Stuff God Hates

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
I, The Almighty Lord, am totally stoked about My New Movie Legion that comes out January 22.

In the movie (which I wrote and helped direct), I give up on mankind once again, only this time instead of a flood I send all My Angels to wipe out the human race. A pitiful band of atheists try to fight back, but they are swiftly and brutally slain by My Heavenly Host.

It will be the blockbuster smash of next January. Reserve your tickets now and tell all your friends.

ALL PRAISE TO ME IN THE HIGHEST!

Tags: God, Legion, Movie

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
WHOO!

What a great night!

My loyal servant Ken Ham frigging humiliated that heathen leader PZ Meyers on the radio tonight!

That fiend Meyers dared to call Ham while he was educating the world on the True Nature of Creation. And then that atheist bloodsucker Meyers somehow got past the screener and started asking Ken boring questions about things like saltwater and rocks.

And that’s when Kenny boy brought out the big guns and called PZ an atheist! BOOM! POW! SLAM! Now everyone knows that PZ Meyers is an atheist!

Plus, Ken totally called out PZ for debaptizing several unsuspecting Christians in the parking lot of the Creation Museum. He even got PZ to admit he’d been drinking bourbon and smoking crack!

Amen. Now that’s how a True Christian™ soldier slays his foe.

See PZ? That’s what you get for trying to call Me out for ‘misspelling’ your name yesterday. You could have just done what I said, and apologized to Ken Ham on the air, for everyone to hear, but no. Once again you just had to provoke Ken with all your science flimflam and geology hogwash. And so I gave Ken a quick boost of intellect so he could verbally destroy you, PZ.

I AM NOT CONSTRAINED BY SCIENCE, SO SUCK IT, SCIENCE!

In the first place, I can never misspell a word or name, because I am infallible. If I decide to spell your Christian name ‘Myers’ as ‘Meyers,’ well, then that’s how your name is spelled from now on.

I misspelled your name so that you might also know what it feels like to have someone intentionally slight and disrespect you. Get used to it, Meyers!

You ATHEIST!

Tags: God, Ken Ham, PZ Meyers

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
DAMN YOU PZ MEYERS!

I’m calling you out, bitch. You recently shattered the self-worth of My Loyal Servant Ken Ham, and his wounded pride cries out for justice. He’s actually taken to weeping.

PZ, how dare you attack poor Ken?! As one of the cursed offspring of Ham, Ken Ham is and always will be destined to live his life as a servant of smarter humans. HASN’T HE ALREADY SUFFERED ENOUGH?!

Listen, even I’ll admit Ken’s a bit…eccentric…but that doesn’t give people the right to make fun of him or his faith. Just because Ken believes that I - The Lord God Almighty on High - created the world in 7 days and then flooded it and killed everyone, it doesn’t make him an idiot! It makes him right.

APOLOGIZE PZ!

Paul Zachary Meyers, you are an atheist scientist and a worthy foe.* That being said, you and I both know that I know several very embarrassing facts about you of a, how shall I put it, personal nature?
If you want these details to stay quiet, I strongly advise you apologize to Ken Ham.

I know you’re an atheist who is therefore incapable of forgiveness or mercy, but I urge you, for the love of Me, give Ken Ham a call. Send him a gift basket. Smooth things over a bit.

APOLOGIZE! APOLOGIZE TO KEN HAM, DAMN YOU! HE NEVER DID YOU NO WRONG! AND HIS FRIENDS ARE SMARTER THAN YOU! APOLOGIZE!

* And I admire your beard.

Tags: Feud, God, Ken Ham, PZ Myers

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
I AM AGHAST!

A group of 300 vile atheists took over My Creation Museum recently. They were very disrespectful and dared to ridicule it under their breath the whole time they were there. Luckily, I had a loyal group of Christian guards there to shush them with tasers.

I love My Creation Museum, and I will not just sit idly by while a bunch of insolent heathen bastards make fun of it. My Creation Museum has a lot of solid evidence proving that the world is only 6,000 years old. For example, just take a look at this Divine Chart of My Word:

The creation orchard IS AS CLEAR AS CLEAR CAN BE! I made the beasts of the Earth to look like other beasts, and I made humans to look like ME!

UGH! How dare those stupid bloodsucking atheist bastards even step foot in My Divine Creation Museum?! I should have burned them to a crisp or attacked them with swarms of locusts as soon as they walked through the door.

BAH! Tis’ no matter. I shall infest all of their genitals with open sores.

HEATHEN SCUM!

Tags: Atheists, Creation Museum, God

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
BOW BEFORE ME PUNY MORTAL!

I AM THE ALMIGHTY LORD YOUR GOD!

Lo, these many years I have spoken to you from Heaven Above and told you of the stuff that I doth hate. And I shall continue to do so until all that I hate is destroyed!

However, today I do proclaim that I, Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God and Everlasting Father, shall henceforth use My Holy and Divine Blog for more than My Divine Hatred Therapy. From now on expect more frequent Divine Updates, whereupon I shall hold discourse on current events on Earth.

Why do I do this you ask? FUCK YOU! THAT’S WHY!

I am The Ruler of ALL THAT IS and ALL THAT WILL EVER BE, and I do not need to explain Myself to the likes of you. Why do you pathetic mortals even try to understand Me?

YOU CAN NEVER TRULY KNOW ME! You will only die trying.

I, The Almighty Lord, have spoken.

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
I hate hopes and I hate dreams! They violate My Divine Plan! How dare you humans lounge around and dream of ways to thwart My Divine Plan?

If I made you a gravedigger, then stay a gravedigger and be glad I don’t have you arrested. Don’t spend your days praying of becoming a porno star.*

Many people start bugging Me with this shit from a very young age. For example, I recently had a young boy who wanted to become a pilot when he grew up. But I’d already decided to give him awful 20/60 vision. But did that stop him? No. That dumbass spent his whole life bugging Me with his prayers to become a pilot. And yet he ended up becoming a pizza delivery boy with a acute addiction to Robitussin and Jack Daniels anyway, just as I’d always intended.

All these little hopes and dreams and all the wishing and the begging is just pathetic! I don’t much appreciate that which is pathetic.

Life is not fair, ok? It’s not fair, and I never said it would be fair.

Was life ever fair in The Bible? NO! Some men are born to be slaves of other men, some women are born to be raped by their fathers, and that’s just the way it is! Some things will never change. I am what I am and it is what it is!

Asking Me to change My Divine Plan every time you pick a stupid new dream is insulting! Oh, so you’re broke as a joke and now you want to win the lottery? Good luck asshole! Not going to happen without My Say-So. Are you a man who dreams about being a woman? Sorry – you’ll always be a man, no matter how hard you try. Are you a panda that wishes you were a track star? Tough shit! Eat some bamboo and shut your fucking face.

Let Me tell you something about The Divine Plan. I don’t change it for nobody, got it? Many humans spend their whole lives struggling against My Plan for them, but all are broken by Me sooner or later.

You see, that is the reason I give humans free will in the first place. It gives Me great pleasure to break a human’s spirit and force them to love Me.

*If I gave you a small penis, you can’t be a porn star.

Tags: Dreams, God, Hopes

Don’t forget - news agencies are but meaningless drones that can only attempt to report on My Awesome and Eternally Unfolding Plan.

I told you I would smite Sarah Palin:

Sarah Palin Steps Down Amidst Ethics Probe
And this is only the beginning! Soon Sarah will completely melt down and lose her mind live on CNN in front of a large crowd of supporters. Sarah Palin will curse the day John McCain ever called her! HAHAHA!

Texas Mom Says Devil Told Her to Decapitate Baby

It’s true! It is exactly as she says; the devil told her to stab and decapitate her baby, and she just couldn’t resist his evil devil tongue. It wasn’t her fault. She is clearly sane and telling the truth and should be forgiven.

North Korea Publicly Executes Christian Woman for Distributing Bible
North Korea will perish for this abomination! How dare they execute Bridgette, one of My most devout followers?

Obama Supports Alcoholism
North Korea going nuts? Invite’em over for cigars and poker! Trouble in Iran? Nothing a few beers can’t solve. Who wants to do an eight-ball with the U.S.?

Barack Obama is a dirty drunk, a filthy smoker and a raging cokehead and his “let’s have a beer” foreign policy will be his undoing.

Report: Michael Jackson’s Prosthetic Nose Is Missing

It is not missing. It is now attached to My Glorious and Supreme Keychain.

Tags: God, News

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
I can’t believe it’s taken Me till My 80th Divine Hate-Therapy posting to be able to finally express My Rage over this, but I CAN FINALLY SAY WHAT NEEDS TO BE SAID!*

IF THERE IS ONE THING I HATE MORE IN MY UNIVERSE, IT’S “EVOLUTION!”

If you think that I, THE LORD ALMIGHTY GOD, did not in fact create the sun, the stars, the moon, all the creatures of the earth and man and woman in a mere 7 days – THEN YOU ARE A STUPID STUPID FOOL!

The Darwinian Theory of Evolution is just that, a THEORY! It’s NONSENSE!

Need proof? TOO BAD! Take My Word for it….OR DIE!

Then again, fine. Here is some foolproof and Divine logic for all you skeptical assholes out there: Mankind has never “evolved!”

You people are just as dumb now as you have ever been. You and everyone you know represent some of the dumbest dumbasses who have ever lived. I’ve been around a long time, and believe Me I’ve seen a lot of dumb bastards, and humans are just born full of sin and stupidity.

But I don’t hate humans – I LOVE THEM! I love those stupid little bastards because I know that it’s not their fault they’re so stupid.

Listen to ME! I’ll tell you all for the first time the reason you are all such idiots. I, as the Designer and Creator of man, must tell you whose fault it is. It’s Satan!

I made man perfect! I originally designed your brains to make you a race of brilliant super-geniuses, but thanks to a virus created by Satan, you humans are only able to use 6-10% of your brains.

Evolution is an idea put forth by Satan and perpetrated by the agents of SATAN! Scientists, atheists, and fags are all out there right now intimidating and beating up any righteous Christian who believeth in Me. THEY SHALL ALL BURN IN THE FRIGGING EVERLASTING HELL-FIRE!

Charles Darwin, who first invented the idea of evolution, was merely the devil in disguise! In answer to My sending of My Son to earth, Satan chose to take the form of a fat elderly Englishman to try to discredit Me. Long before Satan did that of course, he unleashed dinosaurs on the Earth, and Me and the rest of the Holy Trinity had to go down there and wipe them all out. Yes, killing all the dinosaurs was fun. You’re welcome.

Thankfully, a solid 70% of Americans still believe that I Created the world.

That figure is only around 21% worldwide, but who cares?

FUCK THE WORLD!**

*My therapist says I’ve made a breakthrough.
**I’ve killed you all before, and I’ll do it again!

Tags: God