Stuff God Hates

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
ERGH! I’M SO FRIGGING FURIOUS!

The state of Kentucky has chosen to spit in My Eternal Eye!

Judge: Homeland Security can’t require dependence on God

DAMN YOU KENTUCKY! DAMN YOU TO HELL!

How dare you?! How dare you strike down a 2006 state law that required the Kentucky Office of Homeland Security to stress “dependence on Almighty God as being vital to the security of the commonwealth?”

Do you have any idea how many terrorist attacks I have protected you from over the years?! A LOT!

BUT NO MORE!

DAMN YOU KENTUCKY! YOU ARE NO LONGER UNDER MY DIVINE PROTECTION!

Why? Why should I protect you from suicide-bombings if you refuse to pay Me homage?

DAMN YOU KENTUCKY! NO LONGER SHALL I PROTECT YOU FROM TERRORISTS!

Kentucky, you have no idea what kind of smiting is coming your way. Swarms of locusts shall eat all your crops and cattle, tornadoes and floods shall wipe out your homes, and your children will all simultaneously develop down syndrome.

I shall crush your “unbridled spirit” into bits!

DAMN YOU KENTUCKY!

Tags: Damnation, God, Kentucky

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

I HATE WHITE TRAILER TRASH! They are wastrels who have ignored all My Glorious Plans for them in favor of smoking meth and having babies.

I HAVE NO ROOM IN MY HEAVENLY KINGDOM FOR WHITE TRASH!

In Heaven, there are no wife-beating NASCAR fans. The unwashed masses of toothless rednecks are not allowed to pass through the Gates of Heaven – they are turned away and sent down to hell. And if hell doesn’t want them either (as is often the case), they are sent back to the trailer park they came from.

They are a stupid, fallen race of humans who believe WWE wrestling is real. They suck from the teat of Budweiser. They kick their wives, their children, and their dogs. They listen to and appreciate country music.

Ignorant and foul-mouthed, slovenly and slutty, white trash humans have poor hygiene and keep their mobile homes in disrepair. Their women drink while pregnant. Their children are portly and play the banjo.

HOW COULD ANYONE NOT DESPISE THEM?!

This is why, in an effort to cleanse the earth of white trash, I often attack trailer parks with My Vicious Tornado Smite.

It’s a great pleasure for Me to annihilate an entire community of trailer trash. Picking up and tossing a trailer several miles always provides Me with a chuckle. So I like to destroy trailer parks whenever I need a quick pick-Me-up.

The best part is that these hillbilly whores always rebuild and go right back to living in a trailer park. They make it so easy for Me to re-smite them!

I, The Almighty Lord, have spoken.

Tags: God, Trailers, White Trash

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Let it be known throughout the land: No longer shall I spare Florida from My Yearly Divine Hurricane Wrath.

By Holy Tradition, every year I go around the world destroying countries with hurricanes and tornadoes and earthquakes and wildfires. As part of that process, I usually send some strong hurricanes to wipe out as many Floridians as possible.

In recent years though I had spared Florida, thanks solely to the prayers of its governor, Charlie Crist.

Is God protecting Fla. at Gov. Crist’s request?

BUT NO MORE! THE LORD GIVETH, AND THE LORD TAKETH AWAY!

Charlie Crist has committed the cardinal sin of pride. Standing in front of a bunch of lowlife real estate agents, he basically took credit for the absence of any major hurricanes since 2006!

And then later in his speech, Crist said: “Knock on wood.”

Crist called for help from the ‘tree-gods.’ So he’s basically no better than a heathen treesexual.

Can you imagine? And I’ve actually been listening to this lunatic’s prayers.

I can’t wait to smite Florida again.

Tags: Charlie Crist, Florida, God

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to receive the Word of God, as written by your Lord and Savior, Jesus The Christ!
Hey everybody, Jesus here. I’d just like to step in real quick and say that Obama is a mentally unstable poser who’s convinced himself he’s the black version of Me,and quite frankly, I’m sick of it. Just look what he did yesterday:

Army of the Lord? Obama Seeks Health Care Push From Pulpit

Obama has got some balls to try and tell rabbis and preachers what to say to their sheep. Jews and Christians only take orders from Me and My Dad. Well, the Jews don’t care for Me all that much, but that’s ok because I have the Christians wrapped around My Middle Finger.

That stupid, stupid fool Obama told the rabbis that “we are God’s partners in matters of life and death.”

That’s a lie! Humans are never partners with God. They are His property.

That’s why this whole idea of ‘death panels’ is so ridiculous. There is only one death panel, and it’s made up of Me, God, and The Holy Spirit!

Tags: God, Jesus Christ, Obama

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
YES! TASTE MY GLORIOUS WRATH!

Yesterday I smote the hell out of the city of Minneapolis with raging thunderstorms and a tornado. I uprooted trees, smashed roofs, and flooded streets with water. I damaged the Minneapolis Convention Center and disrupted downtown metro traffic. Later on I heavily damaged a middle school.

I did not do this for summer fun.*

Nay, I smote the entire city of Minneapolis because the Evangelical Lutheran Church of America was having their national convention there…and they were going to talk about anal sex!

THIS I COULD NOT ALLOW!

For not only were they going to talk about anal, they were going to talk about whether or not they should let the ministers of My Holy Evangelical Lutheran Church of America have anal!

They were actually going to consider letting official servants of Me have penises enter into their assholes!

UNSPEAKABLE BLASPHEMY!

I would rather every man, woman and child in Minneapolis die in a flood than let one of My ministers have church-sanctioned anal sex!

I was also going to smite that atheist PZ Meyers, but he fled to his panic room just when I was about to strike his house with lightning.

*But it was a lot of fun.

Tags: God, Wrath

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
For the seventh time in the last 3 years, Brett Favre has unretired yet again and is back in the NFL, this time with the Minnesota Vikings. Whoop-de-doo and tra-lee-la!

Personally, I could give a shit. Brett Favre wants to play football till he’s 65? Fine by Me.

I was all prepared to move on with existence,  and then this heathen cocksucker took it too far:

Thank God Brett’s Back!

Why must you mortals infuriate Me so? Why must you people always speak for Me? It’s annoying, and super fucking obnoxious.

By thanking Me, this clown suggests that I had anything to do with it in the first place. I DIDN’T!

It’s all about Favre’s free will.* Brett Favre is an indecisive little bitch, because that’s what he chooses to be.

But I also have free will. After I kill that stupid sports writer, I’m going to smite the shit out of Brett Favre!

YOU SHOULD HAVE STAYED RETIRED OLD MAN!

I’m going to make your last season the most humiliating and horrific of your long career.

You could have retired as a Green Bay Packer and died with dignity in 8 years, but NO! You had to ruin it. You had to be a dumb, inbred hillbilly.

Brett Favre - I once gave you talent, and the adoration of millions. And now I take it all away. You are going to be the first player to die from mediocrity. After getting sacked more than 10 times in your first game against the Packers, you will throw a game-losing interception. You will then suffer an aneurysm and die on the field while being booed by everyone in attendance.

*Note to Self: not all humans should be allowed to have free will.

Tags: Brett Favre, God, Vikings

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
Maybe I never specifically covered this in the Bible, but I’d like to take this chance to go on the record and unequivocally state that: I, The Almighty Lord God, in no way condone sex with children. It is a sin, and anyone who commits this sin shall be punished with death.

I loathe child molesters! They are foul creatures who have no respect for Me or for the beautiful little children I hath created.

I can confirm for you all right now - there is indeed a special section in hell for child molesters. It’s a place where all sexual predators are perpetually tormented in ever new and inventive ways. I tell you, it’s impressive. Say what you will about Satan, but that son-of-a-bitch knows his torture.

Take for example, Michael Jackson. That guy can’t go two minutes without fondling some baby ass. That’s why he has his own special torture-ranch within the pedophile section of hell. There, Jackson is endlessly disemboweled, set on fire and raped by his father Joe. And I’ll be darned if those evil wizards down in hell don’t think of new ways to inflict anguish upon him every day!

It makes Me happy, because there are many varieties of child molester in the world today, and I hate them all.

There are your everyday, out-in-the-open pedophiles, such as priests, Michael Jackson, or R. Kelly. This brand of pedophile is always thirsty for more, and doesn’t care who knows it.

Then there are the child molesters you never knew about, such as Adolf Hitler or Glen Beck. These psychotics usually have an insatiable craving for evil and so they dabble in all manner of cruelty, which always includes a foray into child molestation.

It can get confusing. Sometimes there are pedophiles who only look like they’re a pedophile, such as Pope Benedict or John Travolta. I hate this kind of pedophile! These jerks insist they’re not pedophiles, even in their prayers…but…they have to be. Just look at them!

And of course, we can’t forget the “fictional” brand of pedophile, your Ronald McDonald, your Willy Wonka, or that creepy old man from Family Guy. These are the most insidious form of pedophile, for although they may not actually rape any children, they make creepy strangers seem fun and lovable to billions of children worldwide.

Then there’s all the in-the-closet child molesters out there, such as Anderson Cooper or Wilford Brimley. I HATE THESE GUYS! They skate by for as long as they can on their reputation, and try to distract the general public away from their obvious pedophilia with things like Hurricane Katrina and Diabeetus. I say, expose these sick freaks for what they are!

I WANT ANDERSON COOPER’S HEAD ON A PIKE! I WANT TO FEAST ON WILFORD BRIMLEY’S FRIGGING PANCREAS!

Tags: God, Pedorasts, Perverts

In this edition of Ask God, The Almighty answers a few of the many questions He has recently received from one of his flock who goes by the name of Naytheist. Afterwards, mortals will be given the awesome opportunity to ask God one question. If The Lord is feeling generous, He may actually answer.

QUESTION #1:

Naytheist: Dear God, I’m confused. Is Your Son buried in Kashmir, India or in Aomori, Japan?

And is it true that it was his brother up there on the cross?

I was also wondering about his feet, His footprints like he had fallen arches. Which would make sense, after walking such distances.

GOD: You idiot, My Son is not buried anywhere. He rose from the dead and ascended to Heaven. Jesus Christ! Read your fucking bible.

No, it wasn’t any of his brothers up there on the cross dying for him. They were all far too fat to serve as a good stand-in. So we just went ahead and had Jesus die on the cross as originally planned.

About his feet, that part is true. While on Earth, Jesus indeed developed flat feet. He still whines about it to this day.

QUESTION #2:

Naytheist: Dear God, given your omniscience, you are no doubt aware that the blasphemer Brad Greenberg is slandering your blog.

Will he go to Hell now? What kind of smite do you have in mind for him?

GOD: Yes, Brad Greenberg is definitely going to develop leprosy and burn in hell for a long time.

QUESTION #3:

Naytheist: Not really a question, more of a thank-you note:

“An unexpected characteristic has emerged among many swine flu victims who become severely ill: They are fat.”

Killing two birds with one stone, nice one God!

GOD: Swine flu was designed to kill Mexicans, pigs, and fat people. All the more reason for all of you lazy bastards out there to HIT THE GYM!

Tags: God, Naytheist, Questions