Stuff God Hates

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
Strolling through the Universe, I found one human contemplating this question:

Are you making enough time for God?

THE ANSWER IS NO!

You can never make enough time for ME!

But most of you humans don’t even spend an hour a day with Me. Most of you assholes are too busy with your videogames and your cable television and your jerk-off magazines and your “loved ones” to give Me MY FUCKING DUE!

Then there are the super-Christians, who are too busy saving retards and homeless people to lovingly fellate Me through prayer.

YOU HEATHENS! SPEND MORE TIME WITH ME!

Tags: God, Quality Time

A newborn baby is perfect and cute in every way. Therefore, I EXIST!

Tags: Evidence, God, Proof

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
ERGH! I’M SO FRIGGING FURIOUS!

The state of Kentucky has chosen to spit in My Eternal Eye!

Judge: Homeland Security can’t require dependence on God

DAMN YOU KENTUCKY! DAMN YOU TO HELL!

How dare you?! How dare you strike down a 2006 state law that required the Kentucky Office of Homeland Security to stress “dependence on Almighty God as being vital to the security of the commonwealth?”

Do you have any idea how many terrorist attacks I have protected you from over the years?! A LOT!

BUT NO MORE!

DAMN YOU KENTUCKY! YOU ARE NO LONGER UNDER MY DIVINE PROTECTION!

Why? Why should I protect you from suicide-bombings if you refuse to pay Me homage?

DAMN YOU KENTUCKY! NO LONGER SHALL I PROTECT YOU FROM TERRORISTS!

Kentucky, you have no idea what kind of smiting is coming your way. Swarms of locusts shall eat all your crops and cattle, tornadoes and floods shall wipe out your homes, and your children will all simultaneously develop down syndrome.

I shall crush your “unbridled spirit” into bits!

DAMN YOU KENTUCKY!

Tags: Damnation, God, Kentucky

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

I HATE WHITE TRAILER TRASH! They are wastrels who have ignored all My Glorious Plans for them in favor of smoking meth and having babies.

I HAVE NO ROOM IN MY HEAVENLY KINGDOM FOR WHITE TRASH!

In Heaven, there are no wife-beating NASCAR fans. The unwashed masses of toothless rednecks are not allowed to pass through the Gates of Heaven – they are turned away and sent down to hell. And if hell doesn’t want them either (as is often the case), they are sent back to the trailer park they came from.

They are a stupid, fallen race of humans who believe WWE wrestling is real. They suck from the teat of Budweiser. They kick their wives, their children, and their dogs. They listen to and appreciate country music.

Ignorant and foul-mouthed, slovenly and slutty, white trash humans have poor hygiene and keep their mobile homes in disrepair. Their women drink while pregnant. Their children are portly and play the banjo.

HOW COULD ANYONE NOT DESPISE THEM?!

This is why, in an effort to cleanse the earth of white trash, I often attack trailer parks with My Vicious Tornado Smite.

It’s a great pleasure for Me to annihilate an entire community of trailer trash. Picking up and tossing a trailer several miles always provides Me with a chuckle. So I like to destroy trailer parks whenever I need a quick pick-Me-up.

The best part is that these hillbilly whores always rebuild and go right back to living in a trailer park. They make it so easy for Me to re-smite them!

I, The Almighty Lord, have spoken.

Tags: God, Trailers, White Trash

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Let it be known throughout the land: No longer shall I spare Florida from My Yearly Divine Hurricane Wrath.

By Holy Tradition, every year I go around the world destroying countries with hurricanes and tornadoes and earthquakes and wildfires. As part of that process, I usually send some strong hurricanes to wipe out as many Floridians as possible.

In recent years though I had spared Florida, thanks solely to the prayers of its governor, Charlie Crist.

Is God protecting Fla. at Gov. Crist’s request?

BUT NO MORE! THE LORD GIVETH, AND THE LORD TAKETH AWAY!

Charlie Crist has committed the cardinal sin of pride. Standing in front of a bunch of lowlife real estate agents, he basically took credit for the absence of any major hurricanes since 2006!

And then later in his speech, Crist said: “Knock on wood.”

Crist called for help from the ‘tree-gods.’ So he’s basically no better than a heathen treesexual.

Can you imagine? And I’ve actually been listening to this lunatic’s prayers.

I can’t wait to smite Florida again.

Tags: Charlie Crist, Florida, God