Since last we met, I have smote over 200,000 ugly Haitians (and climbing!) with a few of My Divine Earthquakes, and I must say I’ve never felt better!

There’s just something about slaughtering a whole bunch of Haitians that just makes you feel young again!

I’ve killed old Haitians and young Haitians. I’ve killed Haitian dogs and Haitian cats, and even Haitian parakeets.

I, The Almighty Lord God, have slain every manner of Haitian lifeform, and I’m damn proud of My Work!

THAT’S WHY I SHOULD GET FULL CREDIT FOR THE DESTRUCTION WROUGHT UPON HAITI!

Some “Christians” dare to wonder, how could a benevolent and loving God let tens of thousands of “innocent” people die in an earthquake?

FUCK YOU, BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE IT, WHELP!

Some “Christians” have even had the gall to suggest that it was not I, The Almighty Lord, who authorized the destruction of Haiti by earthquake. They claim that I don’t control the weather, and that I am instead to be found in the help, money, and goodwill flooding into Haiti.

BULLSHIT! There ain’t a disaster in the world that strikes without first getting fucking say-so from Me, THE FUCKING LORD!

This animation of a Haitian boy clearly shows why Haitians are satanic.

And you won’t be finding Me in any of the money or goodwill being sent to Haiti by self-righteous pricks. I’m not part of any of that.

Why would I be? I could have - at any point - stopped the earthquake in Haiti and saved as many Haitian lives as I wanted. But instead I chose not to. I mean, I had a fleeting notion. But then I thought, no, let’s do this thing. The death and the misery of thousands of helpless poor people is just way too funny for Me to pass up.

Why do I hate Haiti? Why not? It’s why they exist. To be hated by Me. Just in case I solve all the other problems in the world and run out of things to hate, I know that I will always have Haiti in My Backpocket, to have and to hate. I will always be able to punish the people of Haiti, and they shall always suffer and writhe in agony, even when everyone else is fine.

I am the Divine Hater, and they are My Haitee.

If you feel guilty for how blessed you are, then go ahead and donate money to help Haiti, if you absolutely must. This will only make it more satisfying a year from now when I smite the country into oblivion yet again.

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This is why I have abandoned you. I don’t love you! I don’t even like you! I hate you!

You have always disappointed Me. You have fallen far short of what I had planned for you.

You know, I didn’t ask to always exist. I didn’t ask to be perfect and all merciful. And I certainly didn’t ask to give life to billions of hopelessly flawed little people like you. It just sort of happened one day.

Do you have any idea how much time and effort I’ve wasted on you? LOTS! You have squandered all the marvelous gifts and abilities I gave you in favor of watching TV, surfing the internet and having sex with yourself.

YOU DAMN WASTREL! I HATE YOU!

I command you to get down on your knees right now and worship Me! DO IT! NOW! Get off your ass and beg Me for mercy! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! WHY ARE YOU STILL SITTING THERE?!

YOU DIRTY DISOBEDIENT SHIT! YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ANYTHING I TELL YOU TO DO!

You don’t even leave Me alone when I abandon you. You’re still up My Ass all the time, telling Me to bless your friends when they sneeze, begging Me for help, even when I have gone out of My Way to make it abundantly clear to you that I hate you.

You have absolutely no respect for boundaries.

I…HAVE HAD…ENOUGH…OF YOU!

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Pastor Prays for Obama’s Death

As I have told pastor Anderson many times before, I, Almighty God, do in fact hate Barack Obama with all My Being and want him to die. He’s just so…played out. I mean, really Barack. You’re everywhere. You’re on TV, you’re in magazines, in comic books, in movies, in videogames, on lunchboxes, on frigging trading cards…ITS ENOUGH ALREADY! It’s time for you to go away.

That being said, because he’s a person who hates abortion, and also because he’s annoying, I hate pastor Steven Anderson and want him to die as well. Abortions are part of My Divine Plan and therefore glorious. Also, performing an abortion is an amusing way to spend an afternoon.

So I want both of them dead. What to do? AH! I know. I’ll have Barack invite this pastor over to the White House for a beer and a shot of tequila. Then when he gets there, the pastor will kill Obama with a prison shank* he kept hidden up his rectum. And then the Secret Service will kill the pastor! A perfect plan, fiendish in its intricacy. Thus it shall be done, exactly as I say.

I, The Almighty God, have spoken.

* Whereupon Obama shall melt like a slug.

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As the savior of the world, people ask Me for advice a lot. I almost always duck these questions, because they’re annoying. However, because you have all been so good, I will provide advice to those who seek it here.

In this segment, I, Jesus Christ of Nazareth, will provide My sheeple with advice on whatever problems they are going through.

This is your chance to ask Jesus Christ Himself: What would Jesus do?

So go ahead - Ask anything! I’m here to help.

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