I once had a thing with an Indian pagan goddess named Lakshmi. She had four arms and knew every position. Man, I loved her.

The LORD Falls in Love

Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. 1 John 4:8

Only two centuries after I had made the foreskin covenant with Abraham to form the nation of Israel, I was tempted by Satan’s sacrilegious sex candy.

For reasons I can’t remember, I’d decided to travel to the Orient to see what else the world had to offer outside of Israel.

When I got to India I was invited to a party at the palace by the local deities. I attended out of curiosity and also to scout their defenses.

There were hundreds of goddesses there that night, many of them who were quite ugly and looked like elephants. But then there was the gracious and lovely Lakshmi.

She had four arms and looked like she could do nasty things. Plus, she was the goddess of beauty and sex. I was smitten.

I did some research and found out that she was the wife of Lord Vishnu, who happened to be the chief god of the pagan Indian religion. But the look on her face told me she badly needed a good rogering.

I became obsessed with taking Lakshmi for my own and made several advances, which she sternly rebuked.

But I did not give up. And then one night after only seven shots of Tequila, she acquiesced. We did it on Vishnu’s marital bed while he was away on business.

The LORD Gets Dumped

For the LORD your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God. Deuteronomy 4:24

When Lakshmi woke up the next day she began to express misgivings about what we had done. I convinced her that it was for the best, and managed to get some more sex.

Things were hot and heavy for a little while. Lakshmi taught me sexual positions that I didn’t think were possible. The things she could do in bed with four arms were simply amazing.

Three weeks later though, she suddenly stopped responding to my carrier pigeons.

I grew suspicious and decided to go to her palace to investigate. When I got there I caught her red-handed in the act of cheating on me by having sex with her husband.

I got so angry I blacked out. I later woke up outside Lakshmi’s palace walls and was confused. Lakshmi showed up and gently explained that while our time together was fun, that’s all it was.

I objected and made a strong case for why she should love God, and only God. She sort of laughed at me, told me once again that it was over, and then walked out of my life forever.

The LORD Brings a Reckoning

Your nakedness will be exposed and your shame uncovered. I will take vengeance; I will spare no one. Isaiah 47:3

I stewed in my anger and became filled with righteous vengeance. Nobody rejects the LORD!

I went to Lakshi and Vishnu and demanded justice for their sins. They hedged for a moment, so I loosed the fateful lightning from my terrible swift sword and disintegrated them both.

POOF! Vengeance was mine!

And contrary to what you might have heard, getting revenge on your enemies is actually quite satisfying. In fact, exacting cruel revenge on a rival has always filled me with a deep sense of accomplishment.

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Baal was once a rival and enemy of mine. This is the story of how I humiliated and vanquished Baal forever.

Israel Betrays the LORD

“Now Judah did evil in the sight of the LORD, and they provoked Him to jealousy with their sins which they committed, more than all that their fathers had done. For they also built for themselves high places, sacred pillars, and wooden images of Baal on every high hill and under every green tree. And there were also perverted persons in the land.” 1 Kings 14:22-23

Baal was a minor demon prince who got famous by promising rain and food to the people of Israel. Baal also became popular for promising all kinds of perverted sex and for generally being a party animal.

Now for some reason the people of Israel viewed Baal as more of a life-giver and me as more of a death-bringer. In fact, polling at the time showed that 73% of Israelis had come to view me as a jealous God who banned everything fun.

And how could I not be jealous? My chosen people, the people of Israel, had rejected me and cheated on me with that pervert Baal. I mean, for crying out loud, Baal!

I had only created the universe for them and made a foreskin covenant with them. And let’s not forget that I had rescued them from slavery in Egypt. And how did they repay my love?

By erecting giant penis statues all over the Promised Land in honor of some sleazy pagan demon. I felt so betrayed, even violated. I wept for decades.

Imagine catching your spouse in the act of cheating on you. Ok, now imagine catching your spouse in the act of fellating a drunken birthday clown for rain. Now you know how betrayed I felt.

The Fire Contest

“Elijah went before the people and said, “How long will you waver between two opinions? If the LORD is God, follow him; but if Baal is God, follow him.” But the people said nothing.” 1 Kings 18:20

Although my feelings were deeply hurt, I ventured on bravely and kept fighting for the love of Israel.

I sent several prophets to spread rumors that Baal-worship led to your penis and/or tits falling off. But Israel kept worshipping Baal anyway.

So then one day I thought up a great way to show the people of Israel that Baal was completely full of shit. I called upon my prophet Elijah and told him my plan for shaming Baal.

Elijah was down for whatever because he hated Baal too. I told Elijah to setup a big pile of wood, and to surround it with 4-ft. deep trenches, and to fill the trenches with sea water. I also told him to get the wood nice and wet.

Elijah did as told, and then invited the people of Israel and all the prophets of Baal to his fire altar. Elijah publicly challenged them to ask Baal to light the fire.

The prophets called upon Baal to light the fire and of course they failed, because Baal wasn’t there. So then Elijah was like, “Light the fire, LORD!” And then I magically turned all the water into gas, lit a match and boom! The wood burst into flames.

But for some reason the people of Israel were not impressed. They just shrugged and went right back to masturbating to the statue of Baal.

The LORD Pranks Baal

“That same night the LORD said to him, “Tear down your father’s altar to Baal and cut down the Asherah pole beside it. Then build a proper kind of altar to the LORD your God on the top of this height.” Judges 6:25

Eventually I got so frustrated over the whole Baal situation, I started setting my sights a little lower. I started convincing teenagers and other young people one at a time to steer clear of Baal.

I had converted this one 16-year-old kid Gideon to my side. His father was very pro-Baal and a pillar in the community. Well, I commanded Gideon to burn down his father’s altar to Baal, and to replace it with a fine altar to me. Afterwards, the people in the town were angry and demanded that Gideon’s father Joash give them his son to be killed. Joash lost his mind and started screaming at them.

Now you should understand that Joash was a big guy, about 5-10, 210 pounds and all muscle. In those days that made you a mythical giant.

Well, Joash threatened the townspeople with death if they didn’t shut up about Baal. They were so afraid they never even thought about Baal again.

I engaged in many guerrilla PR tactics such as this one over a span of several hundred years. Slowly but surely, I started winning back the people of Israel.

The LORD Crushes Baal

“All the people went to the temple of Baal and tore it down. They smashed the altars and idols and killed Mattan the priest of Baal in front of the altars.” 2 Chronicles 23:17

After several centuries of trying to remove the plague of Baal from my lands, I gained influence over a powerful young military commander named Jehoiada.

Jehoiada did as I commanded and seized complete political control over the kingdom of Israel and restored pro-LORD rulers to power.

Baal worship was officially banned by the state and all followers of Baal were methodically killed off. Feces were thrown at statues of Baal and all his temples were burned to the ground.

My Angelic forces cornered a weakened Baal as he tried to escape the planet. With a triumphant chortle, I ordered his demon penis chopped off and his forked tongue removed. I banished Baal back to hell and there he has stayed - humiliated and ashamed - till this day.

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“And he shall speak words against the High One, and shall crush the saints of the most High….” Daniel 7:25

The day after Jesus died on the cross, I got a visit from the devil. He congratulated me and Jesus on saving mankind from sin and swore vengeance upon us.

Satan swore to send his own son to Earth someday. Isn’t that original? He vowed his son would have wicked superpowers and corrupt mankind again and destroy me forever. And then the jerk vanished in a big puff of smoke that stunk of wild donkey ass.

Over the years I have grown quite paranoid over this threat and so am always on the lookout for the antichrist.

Only problem is, I don’t know when he might show up and where that might be. The devil shields this information from my view. This is one of the only things in existence I don’t know. It drives me crazy.

And so I created the Angel Intelligence Agency (AIA) to gather workable intelligence on any and all antichrist threats.

The AIA provides me with a description of what to look for. In general, they say the antichrist will probably look just like Jesus but have the opposite personality.

So while the name of Jesus sounds pleasant, the name of the antichrist will be something sinister like Damien, Vlad or Lars.

Those names are terrifying. In fact they are a bit too frightening to repeat, so for now let’s just call him ‘Todd.’

Jesus hates cursing, so Todd will love cursing. Jesus hates death metal, so Todd will love death metal. Jesus hates zombies, so Todd will love zombies. You get the idea.

‘Todd Antichrist,’ or whatever the name of the antichrist ends up being, will likely run for president of the United States. The American media will expose him as the son of the devil, but he’ll still win a landslide victory by promising to lower taxes.

If the antichrist ever does become president, he’ll trigger the apocalypse. Jesus will return to Earth and everyone will die. This won’t be fun for anyone.

I mean that. I don’t want the apocalypse to happen anymore than you do.

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“If two men are fighting and the wife of one tries to rescue her husband by grabbing the testicles of the other man, her hand must be cut off. Show her no pity.” (Deuteronomy 25:11-12)

BACK IN ANCIENT ISRAEL ball-grabbing was a big problem. Every time two guys got into even a mild verbal dispute it would inevitably wind up with one of their wives viciously attacking the other guy’s balls.

The wife should never help in any fight. Even if her husband is locked in a knockdown, drag-out, piss-pants brawl to the death with another man, she should do nothing to help. She should just stand there quietly and pray that her husband doesn’t get killed and she doesn’t get raped. If her husband is a good man and prays to me daily, I just might let him win.

But under no means should the wife ever grab and squeeze the other man’s testicles. That is blasphemous insanity! Why doesn’t she fornicate with a dead ox while she’s at it? Because that makes about as much sense.

If a woman does something like that to you then you must cut her hand off immediately. Even though she begs for mercy and whines about her husband and moans for a trial, you must ball-gag her forthwith and chop her hand off with the nearest sword.

You must make sure not to be polite or apologetic about it either. You must be spiteful and call her mean names (such as slut or whore) as you chop.

This is the word of the Lord.

The Genitals Commandment

Thou shalt not mutilate the genitals.

A Few Exceptions

There are a few exceptions to the genitals commandment.

It’s fine to mutilate your own penis, or the penis of your new baby boy, as long as you are doing it to prove your lifelong love and loyalty to me. Circumcisions are rarely botched and the penis usually looks pretty good as long as it’s done by a professional.

It’s also fine to mutilate a man’s genitals if he doesn’t believe in me, or if he believes in a rival god.

And I don’t care at all what happens to female genitals.

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“No one whose testicles are crushed or whose male organ is cut off shall enter the assembly of the Lord.” Deuteronomy 23:1

I AM THE LORD YOUR GOD. I demand that every man keep his penis safe from harm.

You see, I personally model and create every penis. This makes every penis divine. It is therefore a sacrilege for man to ever let his penis become damaged or destroyed.

One of the first things I ever told Adam was that his man-parts were fragile. I warned him to be careful with his penis and to watch out for sharp tree branches because his nut-sack was easy to puncture. But Adam didn’t listen, and soon he broke his penis-bone whilst trying to fornicate with a boulder.

Adam wailed in pain, and I laughed mightily at him in his ignorance. Adam cried for days. Eventually I took pity on him and promised to heal his penis just that once, but only if he promised to be more careful in the future.

Adam promised that he would, and for the next 900 years, he was indeed very careful with his penis.

He did just as I had instructed, and only stuck his penis into his wife Eve. He never ran around naked with a sword, and he made sure to avoid getting kicked in the nuts by any angry donkeys or women.

Then one day when he was 930, Adam was toiling in the fields when a pack of twelve Akkadian raiders showed up. After burning his farm and repeatedly raping Eve, the Akkadians cut Adam’s penis in half and fed it to one of his pigs.

Soon after this Adam and Eve both died of famine. It’s funny, I remember when I cast them out of Eden, they were so both confident they could make it on their own. They weren’t happy about having to toil for their food and shelter and clothing, but they were optimistic, even defiant.

Well, when they arrived before my throne for final judgment, they were clothed in rags and looked quite pitiful. I mocked them cruelly for over an hour, and then cast Eve into hell for her part in the infamous apple incident.

I took pity on Adam though, and was about to let him into Heaven. But then while he was getting fitted for wings, I saw him naked. And I was horrified with what I saw.

It was just a scrotum with one ball and no cock.

What was left of Adam’s genitals was, in a word – disturbing. Also, gross.

I was crestfallen. I had already made so many plans for hanging out with Adam in Heaven.

But how could I let him into Heaven with freakish genitals like that? There are just so many social events in Heaven that require you to be naked.

So I sent Adam to hell, and you know, I think it was really for the best. All those demons down there have weird looking fork-dicks anyway.

An Unforgivable Sin

I am the Lord your God. I demand that every man who loves me keep his penis circumcised, clean and in good condition. This is a test of a man’s devotion to me.

If a man may only learn to love me as much as he loves his own penis, then he may enter the Kingdom of Heaven. If a man doesn’t love me, then he shall get testicular cancer and go to hell.

If a man somehow loses his cock or balls, whether by bicycling accident or cooking mishap, then he will not go to Heaven. For he let something bad happen to his penis, and that is an unforgivable sin.

In fact, he probably shouldn’t even be let into church. For having no penis, I shall damn him for all eternity.

Like a good penis, my judgment cometh, and that right soon.

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