“No one whose testicles are crushed or whose male organ is cut off shall enter the assembly of the Lord.” Deuteronomy 23:1
I AM THE LORD YOUR GOD. I demand that every man keep his penis safe from harm.
You see, I personally model and create every penis. This makes every penis divine. It is therefore a sacrilege for man to ever let his penis become damaged or destroyed.
One of the first things I ever told Adam was that his man-parts were fragile. I warned him to be careful with his penis and to watch out for sharp tree branches because his nut-sack was easy to puncture. But Adam didn’t listen, and soon he broke his penis-bone whilst trying to fornicate with a boulder.
Adam wailed in pain, and I laughed mightily at him in his ignorance. Adam cried for days. Eventually I took pity on him and promised to heal his penis just that once, but only if he promised to be more careful in the future.
Adam promised that he would, and for the next 900 years, he was indeed very careful with his penis.
He did just as I had instructed, and only stuck his penis into his wife Eve. He never ran around naked with a sword, and he made sure to avoid getting kicked in the nuts by any angry donkeys or women.
Then one day when he was 930, Adam was toiling in the fields when a pack of twelve Akkadian raiders showed up. After burning his farm and repeatedly raping Eve, the Akkadians cut Adam’s penis in half and fed it to one of his pigs.
Soon after this Adam and Eve both died of famine. It’s funny, I remember when I cast them out of Eden, they were so both confident they could make it on their own. They weren’t happy about having to toil for their food and shelter and clothing, but they were optimistic, even defiant.
Well, when they arrived before my throne for final judgment, they were clothed in rags and looked quite pitiful. I mocked them cruelly for over an hour, and then cast Eve into hell for her part in the infamous apple incident.
I took pity on Adam though, and was about to let him into Heaven. But then while he was getting fitted for wings, I saw him naked. And I was horrified with what I saw.
It was just a scrotum with one ball and no cock.
What was left of Adam’s genitals was, in a word – disturbing. Also, gross.
I was crestfallen. I had already made so many plans for hanging out with Adam in Heaven.
But how could I let him into Heaven with freakish genitals like that? There are just so many social events in Heaven that require you to be naked.
So I sent Adam to hell, and you know, I think it was really for the best. All those demons down there have weird looking fork-dicks anyway.
An Unforgivable Sin
I am the Lord your God. I demand that every man who loves me keep his penis circumcised, clean and in good condition. This is a test of a man’s devotion to me.
If a man may only learn to love me as much as he loves his own penis, then he may enter the Kingdom of Heaven. If a man doesn’t love me, then he shall get testicular cancer and go to hell.
If a man somehow loses his cock or balls, whether by bicycling accident or cooking mishap, then he will not go to Heaven. For he let something bad happen to his penis, and that is an unforgivable sin.
In fact, he probably shouldn’t even be let into church. For having no penis, I shall damn him for all eternity.
Like a good penis, my judgment cometh, and that right soon.
Tayy on 
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Dear Lord,
thank you for sculpting my penis and nutsack. One of your most inspired creations ever, IMHO. I promise to baby it until the day I die.
But why the obsession with circumcision? Isn’t it sacrilege to cut off the prepuce?
PS FIRST! Eat that Josh!
From now on, will dance to this tune three times a day in Your honor:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6U4-sxNyEME&feature=related
god sculpts every penis and scrote with his bare hands?
that’s so gay!
no, he wears gloves.
Oh, thanks Lord for the marvelous penis I have, I’m sure that you spent a wonderful time crafting it.
I’ll take care of my penis, and use it the best way with my wife vagina, so I can enter smoothly on Your Realms.
Praise the Lord!
dear naythiest,
your face wears gloves and you’re a fag. i’m sure you do your share of cock sculpting on a nightly basis.
sincerely,
The Unpleasant Jew
dear Unpleasant Jew,
you truly are an Unpleasant Jew.
sincerely,
Naytheist
With so many people in the world, why don’t you mass-produce them? It will eliminate that pesky size variable. And judging from the commercials, they wear out faster than the rest of the body. Design flaw? Get busy and make better junk, God.
Nun is entirely to blame for the wear and tear. Without her there would be no need for viagra.
Nun is a whore!
nice picture God
God, why did you create smegma?
It smells.
So you can tell who the fat people are in the dark.
13th! Suck it Naytheist! and by it I mean my perfectly shaped penis.
Hey God,
If You personally mold everyone’s mangina, how come some guys are born with only 1 nut? And what about the Eunuchs who you instructed to cut off their balls so that they would not have earthly desires to stick their dicks into someone’s fish mitten or chocolate starfish?
Josh,
In most cases, those born with one nut are being punished for the sins of their father who rejected me.
As for Eunuchs, see, this is one of those things I never said or approved of. You humans like to twist things around in your favor. While I realize it might be handy to have male servants around who you know can’t ever get your wife pregnant, that doesn’t make it right.
All eunuchs go to hell.
Dear God,
My scrotum is heavily patterned–is that your fingerprints?
And why does my meatstick bend to the left? Why isn’t it straight like a truncheon? Mankind can make dildos without bends in them, so I don’t see why you can’t make a straight penis.
And why does my foreskin get gluey and make pee shoot out of my penis sideways? Are you an intelligent designer or wot?
Yours indirectly
Smoggy
Smoggy,
would it kill you to wash every once in a while?
For the record, eunuchs can still have earthly desires. The main difference is that they’re shooting blanks. They can still fuck your wife, but they won’t knock her up, which apparently is good enough for some guys.
Mother Fucker!!
I. AM. NOT. A. WHORE!!!! 
Dearest Mammoth Penised Lord,
I have inadverdently damaged many a penis by exuberantly showing my mortal love for said penis. I’m not going to be punished for that, am I?
P.S. I have fondled and worshipped many of your Divine Penile Creations and I’d like to say You do damned fine work on Your treasured darkies but your white peens are a little on the tiny side… what’s up with that, God?
Naytheist - I created smegma because it helps keep the glans moist and facilitates sexual intercourse by acting as a lubricant.
Smoggy - Yes, those are my fingerprints. Also, penises lean to the left or right according to your political inclinations.
Nun - I will address the topic of testicle crushing in my next entry.
Dearest God,
I know it’s hard to see Your Divine Computer Screen when Your Giganto Divine Cock gets in the way but I never said I crushed testicles. I said I damaged penises. Big difference, O Holiest of Holies.
BAH! Testicle crushing, penis maiming, you get the point.
And the point is this Nun: STOP KILLING DICKS!
You’ve ripped off too many black cocks in your raging lustaholism. I put time and care into every cock, and you treat them like toys.
See?! This is why you can’t have nice cocks.
They are toys. Nice, hard, black toys and I loves them. It’s not my fault they are easily detachable.
This is why Randy Moss is having such a hard time right now. I accidently ripped off his penis in the throes of lustaholism and now he has no penis and it’s making him emotional.
Let’s not forget that Nun also spreads the Irish Syfilis.
That’s how whitey keeps the black man down!
I do not have Irish Syfilis!! It’s Greek.
That’s not how I keep my darkies down anyway. I just put my hands on the top of their fro heads.
Josh,
Show me your big, beautiful black cock.
For pete’s sake God! Eunuchs CAN fuck your wife. They just can’t knock her up.
That’s what I was saying.
He’s trying to confuse us. It’s His own mysterious, devious way of punishing those who would keep eunuchs. He’s a trickster deity and plays with us like cat with mice. It fills him with childish glee to see hordes of woven being fucked by eunuchs while their husbands are away at work.
God, I have never damaged a penis, or balls, so please keep those eunuchs away from my wife. Iv’e had a neutered cat though, I hope that doesn’t count?
Eunuchs have no desire to fuck your wife, that’s the deal. They CAN, but they have no testosterone from their balls to create the desire.
Nun,
Just show me your left tit. The right one is too big for a mere mortal to see.
God,
I once kicked a dude in the dick and I had a running start. Was I doing the work of the Devil, or did You use my holy Converse Allstars to do Your will?
Well Josh, eunuchs can be ordered to fuck wives, as was done in Rome, lo those many years ago.
God was there, he was probably wanking it right along with all the other guys.
God does not wank. He doesn’t need to, he has the ultimate collection of fresh, willing poon up there in Heaven.
Zeus doesn’t wank. God probably does. His angels are men.
That doesn’t stop Him from wanking. He has nothing against gays, remember? He just disapproves of anal. He probably gets His angels to whack him off.
Dear God,
what is your position on penis embellishment such as the Prince Albert?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prince_Albert_piercing
Naytheist and Josh, you are both going to hell.
Kicking a dude in the balls is just wrong and will get you ass-raped by demons.
And even posting a link to a Wikipedia entry that shows a pierced penis-head will get your penis lanced once every minute for the rest of your eternity in hell.
God,
I didn’t put the picture there, and it’s not my penis-head, so what am I going to Hell for exactly? It wouldn’t be much of a punishment. Wikipedia says that the lancing is actually not so bad.
Something to think about: a picture says more than a thousand words. If you had only put more pictures in the Bible, especially for the genocidal, incesty and rapy bits, Your churces wouldn’t be so empty now.
More pictures of violence, eh? Hmm, you may be a heathen, but you may have something there. I grant you a hell reprieve.
thank you sir.
please don’t hurt me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qa12tvOTQx8
@11, Naytheist:
a fine example of smegma for your weekend reading pleasure.
Well Jim, uhm, thank you very much.. I guess.
These two lines prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that the story is about Nun:
“he became overwhelmed by horrible vaginal odor emitting from Melissa Williams.”
“Somebody is going to eat my pussy or I’m going to cut your fucking throat.”
So now we know Nun’s real name and what she looks like. `Gross’ would be the understatement of the decade.