“There shall not be found among you anyone who burns his son or his daughter as an offering, anyone who practices divination or tells fortunes or interprets omens, or a sorcerer or a charmer or a medium or a necromancer or one who inquires of the dead, for whoever does these things is an abomination to the Lord. And because of these abominations the Lord your God is driving them out before you.” Deuteronomy 18:10-12
ALTHOUGH I HAVE TRIED TO WARN YOU PEOPLE not to worship other ‘gods,’ many of you are heathen whores anyway.
No matter how much I promise you the friendly clouds of Heaven, and no matter how much I threaten you with the fiery pits of Hell, some of you people will always end up worshiping nonsense.
It’s a sad fact. Some people will believe anything. Some people are just born stupid.
They get talked into believing a bunch of hogball hooey and flimflarm doody by people who claim they talk to God. Some of these heathens even have the nerve to claim that they are God.
There is only one all-powerful Lord of the Universe and God of all Creation, and that is I! And the only humans I’ve ever talked to are Jesus Christ, Moses, Abraham, and a bunch of other people I can’t remember right now.
Anyway, the point is that all cults are the work of the devil and must be stopped. Cults brainwash people with endless propaganda. They manipulate people into joining by promising them eternal paradise and social acceptance in the group. They scare people with eternal suffering and shun them if they try to leave the cult.
Over the years I have had to fight off and vanquish many cults. They always try to steal my followers, but they never succeed because I am so utterly lovable and worthy of thy praise.
Heaven’s Gate
This cult believed if they killed themselves they would be with the aliens in paradise. They instead found themselves with the demons in hell.
I enjoy a good suicide cult every now and then. They pose no threat and they make me laugh.
Scientologists
Scientology is another minor cult whose beliefs are alien-based. These fervent fools believe that people’s bodies are all filled with the souls of space aliens who were murdered 75 million years ago by an evil galactic ruler named Lord Xenu.
If anyone can think up a crazier line of bullshit than that, I’d like to hear it.
Buddhists
Buddhism is yet another trifling little cult to watch out for. Buddhists are notoriously unpredictable and are liable to light themselves on fire at any moment for no reason at all.
Hindus
Hinduism is a large cult devoted entirely to cow worship. This can be blamed entirely on the existence of evil cows.
Throughout history, charming-but-sinister cows have hypnotized and beguiled gullible peasants into worshipping them. And thus these cows have avoided being eaten and grown in power.
The HIA (Heaven Intelligence Agency) estimates that evil cows now control over 95% of all convenience stores worldwide and are the driving force behind the recent surge in vegetarian activity. It is only a matter of time before cows take over the fast-food hamburger industry as well.
I am doing everything I can to destroy these cows with disease, but it is a tough fight. If you love me, please eat as many burgers and steaks as you can every day.
Rastafarians
This minor cult consists of smelly Jamaicans who do nothing but listen to reggae albums and smoke weed. They also pray to a dead Ethiopian.
Again, a cult this stupid and stoned is not a threat. But smiting them still gives me a good chuckle.
Pastafarians
Pastafarianism is a cult dedicated to the worship of a flying pile of spaghetti and meatballs. These idiots believe that the world was created by an omnipotent ‘Flying Spaghetti Monster.’
If this monster were real, from where does it draw its divine power? And if it created the universe, who created the Flying Spaghetti Monster itself? There are few good answers and even less evidence.
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First!!!!
God is good all the time.
Naytheist sent God an email asking if he can be one of the ass-raping demons in hell that will rape me because secretly he wants in on my no-no hole.
Speaking of where is that gay guy who used to spot his lunch menu? What was his name?
Nun, show us your tits!!!!
First! Bitches!
It looks like the necromancers and soothsayers have some magical powers after all. They made the pictures on this Your divine post disappear, O web-challenged One.
HA! I have vanquished them!
The Scientologist Church told me that God would be on my side, if I helped them pay for the new garage. Wierd…
WTF God! I was 1st then You deleted my comment and gave the honor to that wiener Naytheist, and he even bragged about it!!!! You even updated the blog to include my suggestions, and this is the thanks I get? Your Son!
Josh,
This was due to an accidental deleting of the post, which also deleted the comments.
Please post the comment you would like placed in the top spot, because you were indeed first on the original post. Also, because I love you.
Love,
God
So help me, if you smite the Pastafarians, I will personally pee in the yard of the church down the street.
Josh, God deleted your post because it sucked rhinoballs. He just doesn’t want to hurt your feelings.
I, on the other hand, am an insensitive clod. Let’s face it, omniscient and omnipotent beings do not `accidentaly delete’ posts. It is also sheer blasphemy to think He needs suggestions from insolent whelps like yourself. He’s being nice about it now, but he’s already booked you a place in Hell.
where the ass-raping demons roam.
Josh, grow up!
I’m with Anne…
By the way Lord, great pictures. That cow really does look evil!
What’s that the guy on the far right is holding, is that an anal probe? And is the green entity an ass-raping demon?
no one grows up on the internet. It’s like Never Never Land but with more animal porn.
is cow rape divinely sanctioned? i’m asking for nun.
peter pan or michael jackson?
curtis…he couldn’t deal with the word fag. it is a faggy word.
Cracka - We all know that Nun has had sex with every creature that He has divinely blessed us with. Divinely sanctioned or not.
Obie,
Thanks for saying He divinely blessed us with black people. Thats very progressive of you.
That cow scares me. He looks quite evil.
Josh,
he blessed us by making them easy to spot.
So true, you can see our big wangs from far away.
I can see you from halway across the globe, you big wang you!
Hi god, is Obama a Muslim? Cuz my folks think so. Thx
Your folks are retards.
Where’s Nun? Without her this is just a sausage party.
Skullfucker,
You’re parents aren’t retards, they’re just stupid. Retards are genetically blessed by God, you’re parents are just dumb. and gay.
Why does Josh feel the need to constantly contradict me? They’re retards and that’s the end of it.
Talking about sausage parties, did Dr Doom just have sex with the Silver Surfer in this frame or did I miss something?
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/9/9b/Doomcosmicpower.jpg
Naytheist,
You’re right I do always contradict you. I’ll work on that.
No they didn’t have sex, Surfer has no butt hole. or penis.
Horse hockey
Josh,
you will work on contradicting me? That’s a big fucking relief.
If the Surfer has no hidey-hole, I’m sure Dr Doom tore him one. Where there’s a will, there’s a way.
If I was Doom, I’d try to get some Nova ass. True she has no nipples, but I think it would be better than forcibly inserting myself into the cosmic Telly Savalas.
Where is Anne? She’s got vulture legs and never tells people “I’m not a witch, I’m just like you.”
Where’s Cracker? This place has gone to H.E. double fucking hockey sticks
Maybe God could do a post on the sexlife of superheroes? Or better yet, do another Ask God? It would help me to get to grips with several theological conundrums. This raises some interesting questions, for example:
http://www.actup.org/forum/content/aids-belgian-church-creates-controversy-2172/
`Rejecting the idea that AIDS is a “punishment from God” following the sexual liberation, the Primate of Belgium said that “at most, he would see the epidemic in a kind of poetic justice, not punishment.”‘
This one boggles the mind:
`In the book published on Thursday, Archbishop Leonardo also reiterated his opposition to end the celibacy of priests, an issue back in the news in Belgium in recent months after the revelation of hundreds of cases of child sexual abuse committed by clergy Belgium in recent decades.
“Everyone knows that most cases of child abuse occur within families. Is this a reason to remove the marriage?” Asks Bishop Leonard.’
I’m here, Josh. But I AM a witch. Does anyone need a love potion number 9? (Cracka, if you have to ask how much it costs, you can’t afford it.)
See what happens to me when I forget the dot com? I change color and get tape on my mouth. This site is corny.
God made you forget the dot.com.
God likes his women with tape over their mouths. The color change is just a bonus.
this website is missing something…
oh, i know what it needs! a banner across the top saying when it updates.
how ’bout it, god?
Unpleasant Jew -
I have once again altered My Divine Plan and have granted your prayer.
I do have plans to update very soon.
Love,
God
Why don’t you alter Your Divine Plan in random ways? Like maybe You could make the snake walk again.
That’s been done, they’re called lizards.
You see, this is why God taped your mouth shut.
God,
who does your hair?
Naytheist,
God does His own hair.
I think it’s a weave or at least extensions, like Jessica Simpson wears.
Really? God has an impressive skill set, even for an omnipotent being.
Does he have extensions in the beard as well?
Where is everybody? My theory:
Ben is still banned.
Dr Herbman fell asleep with a blunt in his mouth and burned his house down.
Curtis realized he’s too faggy for this blog.
Nun is brokering a truce between the Bloods and the Crips, by frantically burying their big black cocks from all directions.
Smoggy Batzrubble is stuck in a sheep.
banned?
HA! HAHAHahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
Smoggy Buttrubble…now there is a name I have not heard…for a long time….
Sweet, my stealthy hit and run tactics have paid off. I knew all those years of playing Splinter Cell would do me justice.
And Naythiest, give Nun a break - You know the NFL season is fully underway. She merely needs something to replace gang-banging the Seahawks starting front 7 on a nightly basis.
Obie, you can’t deny that Nun is a slut with a fetish for darkies. Just pointing out the facts, it wasn’t meant as criticism.
In fact, I think it’s great that she’s keeping the streets safe by `taking one for the team’, so to speak.
I mean, it’s hard to hit the crackpipe, organize a drive-by or getting medieval on someones ass when you’re gangbanging an instatiable nun.
She is here to do His work with the skill set she was given. The treaty that was signed in 2004 between the Bloods and Crips was started to wear a little thin as it was, I give her credit for taking the initiative in restoring balance.
`restoring balance’.. to the force?
Is Nun a Secret Jedi?
Let’s just say that there have been rumors.
Dear Lord,
“If you love me, please eat as many burgers and steaks as you can every day.”
I refuse to eat Hindu cow, not only because I’d be ritually drowned in the Ganges. Those cows survive by eating the trash that their worshippers throw out into the street.
No joke!
welcome back mr. g.
Oops, sorry.
Welcome back god.
Shut up Ben!
Where’re Nun and Cracka?
Useless earthquake smite on Noo Zillund God–nobody died. Guess that means you hate Haitians more then Noo Zillunders.
Why God, why?
Smoggy,
you blew your cover. So.. aren’t you supposed to not exist?
I embark on a secret peace-finding mission to restore balance to the Order of the Darkie and all the fucking whities know about it!?! WTF!!