Should people cheat God? Yet you have cheated me! “But you ask, ‘What do you mean? When did we ever cheat you?’ “You have cheated me of the tithes and offerings due to me. (Malachi 3:8)
I HAVE ALWAYS LOATHED CHEAPSKATES who never put enough money into the collection plate at church on Sundays. I don’t understand why these people got dressed and went to church in the first place. Do they think I will listen to their prayers after they have refused to tip me?
I give you people everything and I only ask for a measly 10% of all that you earn in return. You are a cheapskate if you give me anything less than that. A great number of cheapskates today give me on average only five to ten dollars per church service, and that’s if I’m lucky.
What Happens to Cheapskates
There are no cheapskates in Heaven. They all go to hell.
If you do not pay me what I am owed, I will strike you down with all of my vengeance. I will smash your face and I will break your legs. I will have you fired and I will destroy your home. I will kill you and your family and then send you all to hell.
I, The Almighty LORD, do not mess around when it comes to collecting on debts.
Why I Need the Money
Why do I need money? Quite frankly, I’m just bad with money. No matter how much I get, I always need more. But that’s not the point. I give you people everything. You people owe me.
Besides, we desperately need billions and billions of dollars to build more and more churches so we can spread the Word of God and collect more and more money. We need to pay our priests and pay-off our choirboys. And we need to waste a small portion of it on places like Africa and Detroit to make us look good.
Tithing Rate Increased
People are so stingy these days that even at a busy Sunday service, I’m lucky if the day’s take clears a lousy thousand bucks. How can I be expected to run a world-wide church on such a pittance?
The sad fact is that tithing funds have been going down with each passing year. I’m afraid the only way to make up for this budgeting shortfall is to significantly raise the tithing rate.
I, The Lord your God, hereby raise the tithing rate from 10% to 25%.
I feel that this is still more than reasonable and should not be a problem for all those who truly love me.
Rewards for all Faithful Givers
Dear mortal, I can make you this promise: If you will give me 25% of all the money you make every year, I will personally answer at least 25% of all your prayers.
In addition, if you act today, I can promise you that you will have it great when you die. I shall personally bless you with a VIP room in Heaven and all the puppies and ice-cream you can handle.
Doesn’t that sound nice?
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Dream on, dude. I don’t believe in supporting a fictional character created by a bunch of nomadic tribesmen who were plainly suffering from dehydration-induced hallucinations (and possible from sampling some iffy vegetation that was lying around).
Actually $520/$55000 would be .94%. What exactly happens to those of us who correct the LORD’s figures?
/me wanders off muttering something about molten seas…
Yes! He’s backkkkk. I’ve been waiting.
Got so bored I made my own blog. Let me know what you think, God. It would mean a lot. I tossed an extra fiver in for church today.
StuffAmericanshate.com
Deer Lord,
What about us, Your chosen people? Are we to use Your divine gift of Frugility?
Joel - Thanks for the help. I hate math.
Joe - That’s right, I’m back.
Christian - Of course! You must be frugal if you are to pay me my 25%.
NOTE: I am currently writing my novel, which is entitled “God: In My Own Words.”
This will be all new content. This post will be included as a chapter in the ‘Pet Peeves’ section.
needs more star ratings.
God, if I might make a suggestion — I would send Your angels to do a Divine Audit on those weekly collection plates. I think the ushers are using the money for sports betting and cheap pussy.
That does sound nice!
4 months God - You’re gone for 4 months and you have the balls to drop back in and request more money? Go fuck yourself, you cheap whore. Speaking of which, where’s that tart, Nun?
Mother fucker!! I am not a fucking tart!!
Oh. Wait… maybe I am actually.
Well, that explains your son’s actions against the money lenders in the temple. Apparently they weren’t giving him his cut.
Shit–even at 25% of my unemployment, the stamp to get it to ya would cost more. Forget it, God–I’ll continue spending it on hookers and blow. At least I know where it went that way.
Him DAMN it, I am not anonymous!
Hey God,
You’re not as angry as before. What’s up with that? Where’s the smiting, the hatred, the vile putrid rantings of an old man suffering from isolationism? You’re really going New Testament on this blog.
Yes, after going through countless hours of anger management, I am trying to vent my frustrations in a more orderly way now. Hopefully I can keep my outbursts down to a minimum.
Besides, I was boring myself to death before.
You were boring us too. Pussy.
Hey God,
Man up!!!! You sound like my super religious dad complaining about heathens; don’t want to offend and don’t want to be guilty of the things they are doing. That’s gay, super gay, like a dick int he ear gay.
Hey Nun! Show me your tits!!!!
FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING BASTARDS!!! I’LL SMITE YOU INTO A THOUSAND BLOODY BITS!!
It’s about fucking time. And Nun, what Josh said.
God,
throw out all your credit cards and make an appointment with your bank manager. You need a debt relief program, and you need it quick, or Bank of America will seize Heaven and all Your churches.
And what’s up with the new look? Very Simpsons, but I liked the arty, grumpy look better.
Nun likes dicks in her ears.
And between her tits.
God, when will your next book come out? Will it be on Amazon?
I wasn’t that impressed with your first one, to be honest. I think the You-inspired prophets screwed it up.