Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
BEHOLD! I am the great and sovereign Lord. Dare not to presume to have figured out Me and all of MY ways. I made everything and I control everything. I am doing 10,000 things in Haiti and all around the world at this very moment.
Since last we met, I have smote over 200,000 ugly Haitians (and climbing!) with a few of My Divine Earthquakes, and I must say I’ve never felt better!
There’s just something about slaughtering a whole bunch of Haitians that just makes you feel young again!
I’ve killed old Haitians and young Haitians. I’ve killed Haitian dogs and Haitian cats, and even Haitian parakeets.
I, The Almighty Lord God, have slain every manner of Haitian lifeform, and I’m damn proud of My Work!
THAT’S WHY I SHOULD GET FULL CREDIT FOR THE DESTRUCTION WROUGHT UPON HAITI!
Some “Christians” dare to wonder, how could a benevolent and loving God let tens of thousands of “innocent” people die in an earthquake?
FUCK YOU, BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE IT, WHELP!
Some “Christians” have even had the gall to suggest that it was not I, The Almighty Lord, who authorized the destruction of Haiti by earthquake. They claim that I don’t control the weather, and that I am instead to be found in the help, money, and goodwill flooding into Haiti.
BULLSHIT! There ain’t a disaster in the world that strikes without first getting fucking say-so from Me, THE FUCKING LORD!
This animation of a Haitian boy clearly shows why Haitians are satanic.
And you won’t be finding Me in any of the money or goodwill being sent to Haiti by self-righteous pricks. I’m not part of any of that.
Why would I be? I could have - at any point - stopped the earthquake in Haiti and saved as many Haitian lives as I wanted. But instead I chose not to. I mean, I had a fleeting notion. But then I thought, no, let’s do this thing. The death and the misery of thousands of helpless poor people is just way too funny for Me to pass up.
Why do I hate Haiti? Why not? It’s why they exist. To be hated by Me. Just in case I solve all the other problems in the world and run out of things to hate, I know that I will always have Haiti in My Backpocket, to have and to hate. I will always be able to punish the people of Haiti, and they shall always suffer and writhe in agony, even when everyone else is fine.
I am the Divine Hater, and they are My Haitee.
If you feel guilty for how blessed you are, then go ahead and donate money to help Haiti, if you absolutely must. This will only make it more satisfying a year from now when I smite the country into oblivion yet again.
Foppl's Siege Party on 
Ben on 
Nun Ur Damned Bizness on 
Milford on 
hmph on 
Naytheist on 
Well done, m’Lord. Remarkable display of restraint as well. Considering Your hate, You could just as well have smotted them buggers with a, say, 7.1.
Good to hear from You, Supreme Overbeing, i missed You.
You should target the Dominican Republic next.
We need more Americans in MLB.
Haiti is kinda low hanging fruit, Sir.
You should destroy Barbara Streisand.
Either that or Iran.
Or anne’s cats.
Annnd God returns, chugging Haterade and demonstrating His most Holy power!
God rules!
On a side note, I’m working on a plan to air-drop Rush Limbaugh onto Haiti. This will give them cloth for tents, food for weeks, and another earthquake.
Good Lord! I mean good to see you back Lord. I pray that you smite Rush Limbaugh…ah, but he is not worthy of a good smote.
wait God are You saying that Your hated idiot Pat Robertson was right? or is he like a broken clock, that is right twice a day, but not of it’s own accord.
Josh,
I do hate Pat Robertson, but only because he smells like rotting human and also because he is personally annoying.
Philosophically and politically, Pat Robertson is always right. I speak to him sometimes and he helps spread My Word.
Why you just kill your self son of bitch i hope God KILL you with ALL HATE IN THE WORLD for writing this
YOU ASSHOLE! You think creating big earthquakes like that is easy?!
You want Me to kill Myself for writing about what I did to Haiti?
I wish I could but I can’t. And I shan’t! I’m much too proud of My Work.
I am The Almighty Lord your God. Recognize and validate My Divine Power! Give Me all the credit for smiting the shit out of Haiti, or I’ll fucking kill you.
after viewing the animation i now understand why haitians are satanic.
all praise God’s Divine Blog!!!
especially smoggy:
http://scienceblogs.com/pharyngula/2010/02/catching_up_with_molly_again.php#comment-2245294
Nobody hates as well as you do God. It’s why I always pray on the toilet, because you scare me so much I get the shits.
Amen
You have toilets in noo ziiland?
And I posted on ‘Catching up with Molly’.
Good to see all y’alls again.
Noo Zillund is a toilet. Well parts of it anyway, where the farmers haven’t fenced their bloody waterways. Don’t let the ‘Clean Green’ marketing thing fool you.
holy shit. yoyo can see me?
shut up, ben.
I can see you too, you look like a unibrowed yellow testicle!
Heh, my (surviving) cat walks farther from the door when he has to take a leak than my boys.
Maine is a toilet, and I’m just passing through.
i know. it felt good for me, too.
can’t pee outside in minnesota, your dick will feeze and fall off.
(i’m gonna leave that one open for nun, if she ever shows up…you know, for old time’s sake)
and by “feeze” i clearly mean “freeze”
‘feeze’ is a form of minnesotan clap isn’t it?
you get it when your lips go numb and you can’t pronounce Rs anymore.
quoth nun’s vagina:
oh no! my wip’s fozen!
Nun’s va-jay freezing, Hell freezing, no difference.
Except a plow truck won’t get stuck in Hell.
Yes Cracka, I can see you. What’s new?
Welcome back, god. How was your bender?
Maybe you’d get more traffic if you wrote more than once every 4 months.
BTW, it’s easy to smite countries that don’t have any fucking seismic codes.
is it, foppl? why don’t you show us? go ahead, smite a country. no? that’s what i thought.
All Praise Him and His Awesome Earthquake Power!!!
Foppl, it doesn’t seem that God cares very much about traffic to his website, though you’d think he would being the attention whore he is.
wait a minute, is brett favre God?
All right, I will! Guatemala and El Salvador will be toast within 50 years!
Ben, you are correct. Puzzling, isn’t it?
Well done, God. Will the winter Olympics be next?
Anyone gonna check out the hot ‘teabaggin’ action this weekend? It should make for fine comedic theater.
if only Curtis who show his gay face, we’d have the original followers.
yeah, what’s in the fondue, curtis?
Dear Lord, Your Mighty Wrath has truly terrorised your most humble servants. Please, I most humby and cravenly beg You, do not smite Conservapedia.
The Conservative Bible Project is going slower than we had hoped and prayed, but I hope You like the article we did on Gay Bowel Disease.
Do you think we should get off the birther thing now? Even Glenn Beck thinks it’s completely fucking nuts.
Oh, and do you know anybody who can read Hebrew or Ancient Greek?
Sorry Assfly, godz busy at the teabagger convention.
is that conservapedia shit for real? is that serious? because if is it is the most disturbing piece of shit website i’ve ever seen.
what about christianopedia? does that exist yet cause it should.
it’s amusing these people all need to live in an alternate sideways reality, even on the internet.
maybe bridgette will come back.
Yes, Ben, Conservapedia is entirely serious. God Himself commanded me to write it as an intellectual counterweight to the atheist communist fascists at Wikipedia.
I hope you read our piece on Gay Bowel Disease and also the one about Barack Obama.
If you need any further information about the Conservapedia project, visit RationalWiki.
And if you need any further information about RationalWiki, visit RationalWikiWiki.
Ummm God, I know you hate Haiti, but in all fairness, I think for Haitians the feeling is mutual…
Nice to have you back, god…
Thre place has gone to Hell without you,
you old bastard
What? Nobody called this douche out yet?
You didn’t do shit to Haiti, you freaking quitter. On Sept 21 you took your pouty ass outta the game with a petulant Nixonesque snit.
Since then you’ve been pouting, waiting for something to claim as your own wrath. Fuck that, ya pansy ass fronter. You sat around beating off to child porn all that time.
Bag of shit do-nothing. Godouche, you totally suck.
shut up willy
I disagree, Hume. Willy has some great points.
Thanks Willy!
so?
fuck you too, fsp
@45: Maybe if you got Godouche’s dick out of your mouth I’d listen to you. Otherwise I’ll kindly remind you to STFU.
Dude quits and runs off. Something natural happens and he’s all “I’m back bitches! Check out my handiwork.” He didn’t do shit. Hasn’t ever.
So you got a problem with me calling out that poser? Too bad. Whatcha gonna do about it, pray? Hahahahaha, ya fuckin’ lickspittle!
Blasphemy! Willy, you remind me of those liberal-fascist-communist-satanist-atheists who say that God should be put on trial for war crimes because he failed to intervene in the Holocaust, Rwanda, Cambodia, Bosnia and all those other genocides involving black, brown or yellow people or people with large hooked noses and a fondness for money.
I suggest you read Conservapedia to get a more balanced view of the world, free of radical-homosexual-socialist bias. In the talk page of our article on black holes I explain how black holes don’t exist and are in fact a lie made up by scientists to get people to stop believing in God.
Ahh Hume, You’re just pissed beacuse you’re DEAD.
oh wow. you got me.
“petulant Nixonesque snit?”
(now we know you’re gay)
*swigs laudanum*
oh, and that napkin you’re using?
I used it to clean my gleaming,
nearly century old cock
after I rammed it into
your mother’s love trench.
that’s not mayo in your little soul patch.
that’s pure Cronyn.
Holy shit! I go away for a week and HE returns from his slumber. Fucking Haitians deserve what they get - That’s what Pat Robertson really wanted to say.
And where the fuck is that whore?
Holy shit! Somehow I seriously doubt that any “nearly century old cock” could be described, even with artistic license, as “gleaming.”
Have another swig of that green shit.
Yea, and even Haitian parakeets. For they were unclean and annoying, and an abomination unto the Lord.
it gleams like the spruce goose
The Spruce Goose barely left the ground, and only ‘flew’ once.
Where’s Nun? Did she fly it? Grab the joystick, etc?
Flat on her back somewhere.
hahahahahaha she’s a whore
Well, I guess she “don’t come ’round here no more.”
If she did, she’d be in Ben’s biz by now.
Good job on Haiti, God. There’s far too many negroes in that country. Now if all the men could lose their testicles and the women their ovaries, all would be good in the world. At least in Haiti where the darkies wouldn’t be allowed to breed their darkiness.
Cracka - #19,
Your dick is too small to freeze and fall off. It has to actually protrude from your body for that to happen. Dumbass.
My God, my God, why have you abandoned us?
You expect God to dote on assflies?
Nayth, why not? Sarah Palin’s bank account is getting fatter and she’s an assfly.
Nice language from a supposed woman of the cloth.
Ha ha! Same Nun!
I’m not really a woman of the cloth, Obie. I just wear the uniform to get more dick. Guys are totally turned on by the Habit. They perceive it as a challenge. Silly boys don’t know me at all.
.
.
.
.
.
Awful good to see you, Yo. I hope all is well in your corner of the country.
god tried to smite northern Illinois! good try, old man.
Where is Pat Robertson?
If that is the case Nun, let me know if you are ever in Mississippi.
Dammit, Naytheist. I’m God’s own Assfly. I’m writing his version of Wikipedia all by myself with a handful of other clinically insane hateclowns.
Nun, I wish I could say that I’d like to see your famous vagina, but I have a mental image of a Wellington boot full of rotting fish soup. Besides, us uptight conservative Christians can only go with manwhores.
beefy taco
Witty Anonymous guy posts witty Anonymous post.
Hey Nun, things are getting better. My father-in-law passed away after slowly dying in a nursing home.
And our oldest cat died just after Christmas.
God smiting Haiti is like the school bully beating up the smallest kid in class. Grow a pair, God, and smite some tough place … like New Jersey. We wipe our butts with your Bible while you pick on the poor Negroes.
I like that beefy taco guy
It’s good to see God’s keeping his hand in the smiting game, albeit on a small scale. Surgically smiting that Georgian luger was a real stroke of genius, God.
nun-#61—–WHORE!!!!
Unfortunately God is too chicken to smite the people of New Jersey. They smite back.
Sometimes God smites by proxy:
http://www.france24.com/en/20100216-soldiers-exposed-nuclear-tests-report-france-algeria-1960s
@Nay#79,
This also shows that the USA doesn’t have a monopoly on being complete motherfuckers.
YAY! God’s back!
So is Cracka, Yo, Josh, Smoggy, Anne, Nun, and shut up Ben.
I SO want to go out “drinking” with you all.
Basically fondue.
Where’s my fucking gravitar?!!@@??#@!
Curtis, God smote your gravatar.
Lunch: Cottage cheese and a bowl of popcorn.
lunch: booze and doin’ it.
Hey Cracka, Bridgette says she doesn’t believe you. She wants to smell your dick.
bridgette’s a fat cunt.
Lunch: fried nails and gunpowder. Ready to spit on God.
Great image, Cracka! Now I need to go purge….
Spit away, Annie!
I hate spitters. >_<
F-ff-f-f-f-f-faaaaacee
f-f-fag
shut up Ben
if that image makes you sick you’re a pussy.
or a fag.
or a retard.
ben, shut up.
people have feelings, you know.
there can be only ONE!!!!!!!!!!!
there can be only ONE!!!!!!!!!!!
i’ll be damned…turns out there can be only two.
pussy, fag, retard. Are these mutually exclusive terms?
Check out my new twitter page you assholes:
http://twitter.com/BenjaminBing
Yeah, okay Ben.
I’m taking a poll: Who believes Johnny Weir takes a turgid shaft up the pooper before he competes? And Caster Semenya is the one schtufting him?
Schtufting? Yay, I learned a new word. It will be my word of the week.
Who’d have thought that this blog has educational value?
@FSP #80 Yep, the US has a thing about free markets.
Schtufting IS a great word!
Can anyone use the words ’schtufting’ and ‘Nun’ in a sentence?
Even though Nun was caught ’sctufting’ the entire offensive line of the Seahawks, the Catholic Church decided against excommunication.
because she gave it away for free.
Because she is not a whore!
That word and any other yiddish sounding word should be illegal for anyone except obnoxious jewish mothers to say.
Isn’t obnoxious jewish mother redundant?
Why all the kvetching, Bloodvork?
Obie, you’re adorable but you’re ignorant. Offensive lineman are usually white so I’m obviously not fucking them. I’m fucking the secondary which is almost predominantly darkie. Go darkies!!
And Jay Leno is a big chinned prick. A local radio show producer is one of his joke contributors. A local news show wanted to do a piece on said joke contributor and Leno called him personally to ask him not to do the piece. I guess he’s afraid that people will know that he’s an unfunny hack who doesn’t know a joke from his own penis which he can’t even see because his big ugly chin gets in the way.
God,
Why did You smite Chekov’s son? Did You mistake him for Kirk Cameron in the throes of a Divine Bender and accidentally take him in the early rapture?
You are right, Leno is a major asswipe. He’s having that complete and total waste of protein Sarah Palin on as a guest.
That’ll be great, two attention whores going at it.
ha! leno can’t see his dick past his chin! ha!
some of them tweets are funny, ben. but you should still shut up.
Lol. Ben spermed on his wedding ring. Nun should have licked it off.
I’m with Nun on this one, Jay Leno is the spawn of Satan.
And his chin is simply the part of his anatomy from whence his demonic seed springs forth:
http://www.extratextual.tv/wp-content/uploads/2008/12/caricature-jay-leno.jpg
Why God, why?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sdyC1BrQd6g
@Nay #122:
Jeebus that was awful! How did you find that thing? Do you just troll around YouTube all day?
And the real question:
Is Ben’s last name “Lava?”
I have an army of elves trawling youtube. I *do* troll but only on blogs.
“Have you been high today?
I see the nuns are gay”
Shut up Benny Lava
Hey Cracka!
I told you that seismic codes made all the difference!
God, thank you for Thy great work on smiting those annoying Haitians. Those niggers are a huge mistake of Mother Nature, and rightly deserved to die.
Though I must say you did a pathetic job on Chile. Just 700 dead? Come on, God! You can damn well do better than that! Smite those fucking Latinos, damnit!
Is this supposed to be satire? If so its piss poor.
Why Peter? Because the title says that God hates Haiti? Or because it points the finger at ‘God’ as responsible for such horror? Or because you didn’t read it and you are a stupid asshole?
Ben, I’ll take door #3.
Anyone care to correct Peter’s grammar?
Ben,
Unlike that fool Peter,
you are so special!
Hey god, is it true what sarah palin said? That you wrote notes on your hand?
Pretty fucking funny…
This is what happens when Haitians make it to Canada
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/us_and_americas/article6371361.ece
@ Nay,
Yummy!
What’s up with the Corey Haim smite, God?
Thanks for not taking Feldman. He’s the Corey that I actually liked.
Nun, frankly I’m surprised that this sort of thing doesn’t happen more often.
Let’s say you are a famous actress, you work 18 hours a day during the 4 months of film shooting, they pay you a bunch of money and you go off to your lovely house in Laurel Canyon. You can’t go to the store, because people will hassle you for your autograph.
So you do what every red blooded american loves to do.
Get fucked up!
Your theory is certainly sound, Foppl but I think you forgot that we’re talking about Corey Haim. I’m betting he was hoping people would hassle him for his autograph.
I hope God smites Lindsay Lohan soon.
Good point about Mr. Haim. With regards to LL, I would argue that he already has.