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What Would Jesus Do?

Sep 2nd, 2009 by Jesus Christ

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to receive the Word of God, as written by your Lord and Savior: Jesus The Christ!

As the savior of the world, people ask Me for advice a lot. I almost always duck these questions, because they’re annoying. However, because you have all been so good, I will provide advice to those who seek it here.

In this segment, I, Jesus Christ of Nazareth, will provide My sheeple with advice on whatever problems they are going through.

This is your chance to ask Jesus Christ Himself: What would Jesus do?

So go ahead - Ask anything! I’m here to help.

Tags: Advice, Jesus Christ

Posted in What Would Jesus Do?

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62 Responses to “What Would Jesus Do?”

on 02 Sep 2009 at 5:33 pm1Obie

Jesus, I don’t know whether I should read “Your Religion is False,” or “Misquoting Jesus” next - What would you do?
on 02 Sep 2009 at 5:45 pm2Foppl's Siege Party

Heysoos,

I read that many paleontologists think that we are 50,000 years into another mass extinction. Do you agree? THX!
on 02 Sep 2009 at 6:52 pm3tungah

Hey Jesus, think quick: spit or swallow?
on 02 Sep 2009 at 8:16 pm4TheTravelingFilipina

Jesus, what would you do to those non-believing Jews who don’t believe in you unlike those Jews For Jesus folks?
on 02 Sep 2009 at 10:16 pm5Lucifer

Jay - Can I call You Jay?

Jay, how big are you on lamb?
on 02 Sep 2009 at 10:21 pm6Foppl's Siege Party

Ain’t this just like real life? All kinds of questions and no answers.
on 02 Sep 2009 at 10:34 pm7anne johnson

Dear Jesus,

What would you do about the stains on my upholstery?
on 02 Sep 2009 at 11:11 pm8lahru

Why don’t you advertise the benefits of Heaven?

You would get more folks to ascribe to your commandments if they could envision themselves reaping the benefits of Heaven to eternity and beyond with a visual display of the endless fun and entertaining things that it offers.

I’ve prayed for this before, you must have been busy smiting some unbelievers.

Maybe a youtube video to start would allow you to test the waters, so to speak.
on 03 Sep 2009 at 3:40 am9Grumpy

I’m looking to buy a new scanner. I’m mostly interested in listening to air traffic control chatter, hoping to spend about $300, but no more than $500, and it needs to be a model that’s available in Australia. What’s your recommendation?
on 03 Sep 2009 at 3:55 am10Jesus Christ

1. Dear Obie,

I would read “Misquoting Jesus.” That book offers an incisive look into how the Bible was changed and why. The other one is frivolous nonsense.
on 03 Sep 2009 at 3:56 am11Jesus Christ

2. Dear Foppl’s Siege Party,

You’re not understanding the nature of this segment. This is not a Q & A session. You need to ask Me what I would do in a particular situation.
on 03 Sep 2009 at 3:57 am12Jesus Christ

3. Dear Tungah,

Swallow!
on 03 Sep 2009 at 3:59 am13Jesus Christ

4. TheTravelingFilipina,

I would ask the non-Jew atheists to please not rip My Limbs off. I would ask the Jews for Jesus to rub My Back.
on 03 Sep 2009 at 4:01 am14Jesus Christ

5. Dear Lucifer,

GET THEE BACK, SATAN!
on 03 Sep 2009 at 4:01 am15Jesus Christ

7. Dear anne johnson,

I would buy you a new couch.
on 03 Sep 2009 at 4:05 am16Jesus Christ

8. Dear lahru,

Again, you are not understanding the nature of this feature. You ask Me what I would do, and then I say what I would do.

For example, your question could be:

lahru: Hey Jesus, I’m staring at a mountain of coke sitting on top of a stripper’s ass right now. What would you do in this situation?
on 03 Sep 2009 at 4:07 am17Jesus Christ

9. Dear Grumpy,

Which one would I buy? I would buy the one that costs between three and five hundred dollars and available in Australia.
on 03 Sep 2009 at 6:25 am18Grumpy

Thanks a bunch Jesus - really fuckin helpful. I’m not going to believe in you any more. Wanker.
on 03 Sep 2009 at 9:26 am19Hume Cronyn

Dear Mr. Christ,
Do you have any photos of Joan Fontaine
in the buff?
I lost mine back in ‘57 during a poker game
with Sammy Davis Jr. and need to re-stock.
Thanks,
H. Cronyn
on 03 Sep 2009 at 2:25 pm20Jim

Ginger, or Marianne?
on 03 Sep 2009 at 2:35 pm21The saint formerly known as "Pádraig"

What would you say to the Almighty’s number one, screw-up of a son if he refused to go out and get a real job? Further, how would you address the stash of gay amputee porn you found in his room?

My all-powerful boss rhetorically asked me at the pub last night, but it got me curious so….
on 03 Sep 2009 at 3:36 pm22Bei Shen

The wheel or Iron Maiden?
on 03 Sep 2009 at 5:37 pm23Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Iron Maiden has wicked cool album art.
on 03 Sep 2009 at 7:44 pm24Naytheist

My question is, why would we care what you would do? I mean, no offense, but you *are* a pussy.. Your Dad said so, and he’s the man.
on 03 Sep 2009 at 8:06 pm25Nun Ur Damned Bizness

FACE!!
on 03 Sep 2009 at 9:31 pm26anne johnson

#24:

Jesus: What do you do when your Dad calls you a pussy?
on 03 Sep 2009 at 10:45 pm27Tony

I’d like to become a Fascist, but can’t decide which sect to embrace. What do you think - Donkeys or Elephants?
on 03 Sep 2009 at 11:50 pm28Jesus Christ

18, Dear Grumpy,

Please cheer up.
on 03 Sep 2009 at 11:51 pm29Jesus Christ

19. Dear Hume Cronyn,

That’s a question, not a request for advice.
on 03 Sep 2009 at 11:51 pm30Jesus Christ

20. Dear Jim,

I would do both at the same time, and I have.
on 03 Sep 2009 at 11:54 pm31Jesus Christ

21. Dear the saint formerly known as “Pádraig,”

I would love My Son, no matter what he was like. I don’t think that’s too much to ask.
on 03 Sep 2009 at 11:55 pm32Jesus Christ

22. Dear Bei Shen,

That’s a question, not an appeal for advice.
on 03 Sep 2009 at 11:55 pm33Jesus Christ

23. Dear Naytheist,

That’s a question, not an appeal for advice.
on 03 Sep 2009 at 11:56 pm34Jesus Christ

26. Dear anne johnson,

If that ever happened, I would likely go to My room and cry.
on 03 Sep 2009 at 11:57 pm35Jesus Christ

27. Dear Tony,

I wouldn’t join either. I’m not a fascist. I’m just a patsy.
on 04 Sep 2009 at 12:47 am36Grumpy

OK, one more try…

I’ve been offered 2 jobs today (but you knew that) - which one should I take?
on 04 Sep 2009 at 4:07 pm37Lucifer

Dear Jay-

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I AM BACK!
on 04 Sep 2009 at 6:14 pm38uppity cracka

dear gosh jeebuz,

what if nun came at your bare ass with a strap-on? wwyd, fag?
on 04 Sep 2009 at 8:09 pm39Nun Ur Damned Bizness

He’d enjoy it. That’s what He’d do.
on 04 Sep 2009 at 10:01 pm40Dr. Herbman

what would i do if there was no more weed on earth Jesus, what your sugestion ??
on 04 Sep 2009 at 10:04 pm41Dr. Herbman

i already enjoyed you nun…

and guys, listen to me: Was No Big Deal. The only thing good is thats was free sex. =)
on 05 Sep 2009 at 5:09 am42Nun Ur Damned Bizness

You’re right, Herbman. You did enjoy my strap-on dick up your ass. I also did it for free.
on 05 Sep 2009 at 1:06 pm43anne johnson

You did it for free, but then you stole his chiba. A good time had by all!
on 05 Sep 2009 at 2:16 pm44uppity cracka

fuck…what kind of whore fucks a guy up the ass and steals his weed?

an opportunistic one i guess.
on 05 Sep 2009 at 6:36 pm45Nun Ur Damned Bizness

I AM NOT A WHORE!!!!
on 05 Sep 2009 at 6:56 pm46Naytheist

Jesus, what would you do if Nun stole your stash after the strap-on unpleasantness?
and please don’t say “turn the other cheeck”
on 05 Sep 2009 at 6:57 pm47Naytheist

cheek
on 05 Sep 2009 at 7:57 pm48Jesus Christ

36. Dear Grumpy,

If it was Me, I would decline both jobs and instead walk from town to town, telling people how to live.
on 05 Sep 2009 at 7:59 pm49Jesus Christ

38. Dear uppity cracka,

I would grab said dildo and turn it into a loaf of bread. Then I would make us both peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
on 05 Sep 2009 at 8:00 pm50Jesus Christ

40. Dear Dr. Herbman,

If you had smoked all the weed on Earth, I would discreetly plant some seeds.
on 05 Sep 2009 at 8:02 pm51Jesus Christ

46. Dear Naytheist,

If Nun raped Me with a strap-on dildo, and then stole My weed stash, I’d fucking kill her. Even the unconditional love of Me, Christ Jesus, has its limits.
on 05 Sep 2009 at 8:18 pm52Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Damn. Death by Jesus.
on 05 Sep 2009 at 9:30 pm53Naytheist

I see you’ve finally manned up Jesus, you sound more like Your Dad now. Even if your revenge is purely hypothetical, because Nun could not rape you with a loaf of bread. Well, maybe it’s possible with a buttered up penis-shaped loaf of very stale bread, I lack experience in that area.

I was already wondering what happened to the guy who beat up money changers and said things like “I bring the sword” and “hate your father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters”. Good to have You back G-sus.
on 05 Sep 2009 at 9:35 pm54Naytheist

I’m also pleased to hear that you have a weed stash, instead of, say, a gay amputee porn stash.
on 17 Sep 2009 at 10:23 pm55Tyler

Mmmmm yes…. but WWJZD?

http://thingsithinkithinkithink.blogspot.com/2008/09/portokin.html

THB
on 02 Oct 2009 at 11:10 am56sassyviv

Jesus!

WWYD if Pilate had suddenly grown a set and decided NOT to crucify you?

Dad’s Big Plan woulda been totally FUBAR then, eh?
on 18 Oct 2009 at 8:04 am57Xanthippa

Ahmmmm….

Don’t you mean ‘Jesus, the Nazarene’, rather than ‘Jesus of Nazareth’?!?!?

Yes, the mistranslation has crept in to the less reliable sources, like, say, The Holy Bible, but…

Anyone educated in either Christianity or Anthropology of religion know that it is a historical fact that the village of Nazareth was not founded until at least 2 centuries AFTER Jesus, the Christ’s death and corporeal rise to heaven.

And, just about everyone knows that the only people in Jerusalem and Judea 2K years ago who wore white (as Jesus, the Christ, is said to have worn) were members of the Eastern-religion influenced ‘Essennes’ (religious secte affiliation), and that most of the Essennes were Nazarenes (political group of the day).

Yes, I admit, you - almighty God - are omniscient. But, most of the ’sheep’ are not willing to educate themselves on even the basics of Your Glorious History! It is not nice, continuing to play this trick on them, and perpetuating the lie of ‘Jesus of Nazareth’!!!

Bad God!

No biscuit!
on 25 Oct 2009 at 8:52 pm58godfree

What in hell were you thinking when yoiu created such flawed people ? Youy got what you deserved.
on 25 Dec 2009 at 5:18 am59His Lordship the Gun-Toting Atheist

Looks like Jesus’ weapon of choice is a good-ole Winchester lever action rifle.

Seriously? My M1-Garand chambered in .30-06 is WAY more bad-ass.

But, hey, he’s a pacifist, so it’s only normal that he would pick a girl gun.
on 31 Dec 2009 at 3:14 pm60Anonymous

What would you do if said nun fought back, subdued you, and face fucked you while smoking your weed?
on 05 Feb 2010 at 9:47 am61Dex

I accident the whole bottle. Wat do?
on 17 Mar 2010 at 4:51 pm62Fallensoulness

Hey Jesus, I just accidentally my whole house. Wat do?

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