
Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
Now I know this guy, pastor Steven Anderson, is taking quite a bit of heat right now, and I’d just like to take this moment to say that he is 100% in the right:
Pastor Prays for Obama’s Death
As I have told pastor Anderson many times before, I, Almighty God, do in fact hate Barack Obama with all My Being and want him to die. He’s just so…played out. I mean, really Barack. You’re everywhere. You’re on TV, you’re in magazines, in comic books, in movies, in videogames, on lunchboxes, on frigging trading cards…ITS ENOUGH ALREADY! It’s time for you to go away.
That being said, because he’s a person who hates abortion, and also because he’s annoying, I hate pastor Steven Anderson and want him to die as well. Abortions are part of My Divine Plan and therefore glorious. Also, performing an abortion is an amusing way to spend an afternoon.
So I want both of them dead. What to do? AH! I know. I’ll have Barack invite this pastor over to the White House for a beer and a shot of tequila. Then when he gets there, the pastor will kill Obama with a prison shank* he kept hidden up his rectum. And then the Secret Service will kill the pastor! A perfect plan, fiendish in its intricacy. Thus it shall be done, exactly as I say.
I, The Almighty God, have spoken.
* Whereupon Obama shall melt like a slug.



You work in mysterious ways, Sir.
If I had to guess I’d say the person God may hate the most is you. Think about it. Hitler didn’t even pretend to be God. I don’t know if it’s evil in a wierd sort of way or wierd in an evil sort of way. I’m pretty sure, though, God ain’t seein’ the humor in it.
Both of them *will* die. They are mortal after all. I think what God’s saying here is he wants them dead soon. Since God’s will is law, I’m going to call my bookie right now.
Does anybody know what passage that pastor was quoting? I’d love to add that to my collection.
And that `MELT LIKE A SNAIL!!!’ is just comedy gold, I’m going to get that printed on a T-shirt.
Oh, forgot to ask: why does that pastor have such an elastic rectum? I have a theory about that.
And won’t Obama become suspicious when the pastor strips and shoves his hand up his own ass? Or are they used to that kind of thing in the White House?
#2: are you the Craig from Craig’s list?
Naytheist - I forgot about pastor Anderson’s request to have Obama melt like a snail. I have now changed My Divine Plan to include having Obama melt like a snail.
And Obama will not become suspicious when pastor Anderson shoves his hand up his ass, because his back will be turned for a few seconds.
Dear God,
thank you for your answers. Still, why are you evading the question regarding pastor Anderson’s rectal elasticity?
Concerning the melting, I assume the shank will be salt-encrusted?
I wonder in the Divine Reverend Pastor Anderson will have any problems filing his taxes next year. Is that how he will learn how to conceal the shiv correctly?
I sure do love me some Ludacris.
http://new.music.yahoo.com/ludacris/news/rapper-ludacris-gives-away-cars-to-contest-winners–61993597
I think the take-home message is “never turn your back on a pastor”. Not even for a few seconds.
And I think Ludacris saw the same charity consultants that helped out Bruno. “AIDS and Darfur are already taken, so how about giving away cars to Americans that are too lazy to walk or cycle?”
Ludacris can ride me any day.
You’re in luck, he’s giving away free rides.
I wish I can ride Nun everyday.
you can!
Nun’s are easy…..
I am easy. All it takes to ride this train is an apple-tini and a giant schlong.
Puh-lease Nun, you’d be happy with some Boone’s Farm and the Angry Inch.
First, Boone’s Farm is nasty. The last time I drank it was when I saw Eddie Murphy’s Raw in the theater and I just wanted to fit in with the homies. Second, haven’t you paid any attention to Cracka’s rants about my luscious va-jay-jay? An angry inch wouldn’t even register on my vaginal richter scale.
C’mon, who are you kidding? Everyone knows God gave you a job because of your affinity for prepubescent Altar Boys. What other purpose could you possibly serve?
Cracka wouldn’t know a luscious va-jay-jay if Megan Fox used his face as a bicycle seat….Just sayin….
Obie said: “Everyone knows God gave you a job because of your affinity for prepubescent Altar Boys.”
Uh… no. That’s why the priests have jobs.
Ok, I found the Bible quote. It’s Psalm 109, just a fragment:
“May his days be few;
may another take his office!
May his children be fatherless
and his wife a widow!
May his children wander about and beg,
seeking food far from the ruins they inhabit!
May the creditor seize all that he has;
may strangers plunder the fruits of his toil!
Let there be none to extend kindness to him,
nor any to pity his fatherless children!
May his posterity be cut off;
may his name be blotted out in the second generation!”
It’s a keeper, even though there’s nothing about melting like a slug.
This line’s a bit disturbing:
“With my mouth I will give great thanks to the Lord”
i don´t like Nun´s vajaya… i like to overflow assholes.
Said.
AND GOD KNOWS THAT!
SHIT!! i should wrote a letter to ludacris, explain how i do to get my weed with the dealer…
it´s too fucking far away from my home.
please ludacris, give me a car to get my weed safe.
This is a sneaky, devious, and otherwise nasty-ass plan that is totally worthy of You, God.
#2: Whoa, how dare you dis God, considering the skanky shit you allow on your List? There’s actually a category for skunk-fucking.
Nice to see the HATE is back.
herbman, watch out. weed makes you sluggish.
Whoa! Who’s asleep at the wheel here? If God’s not around, aren’t we supposed to keep His thread lively? So, which is better — The X Files or the Twilight Zone?
shut up ben.
Basically fondue.
Hume Cronyn has warts on his tongue. Smoggy gives his sheep genital warts. Herbman lives in Hogwarts, and Cracka’s a worry wart. And I love Bloodvork!
The Tree Gods are loving this!
Only 67 more posts, Anne–you can do it!
Anne, how do you know about the skunk fucking?
Do you trawl the internet searching for that shit or what?
Anyone can smell a skunk fucker, Nay. That’s why Rush Limbaugh is on the radio, alone in a booth, when he broadcasts. Otherwise it would be pretty clear where he bathes his pecker.
Secretly, anne loves
former President George W. Bush,
hence her self-hatred.
She’s a closet Republican and loves
U.S. Rep. Joe Wilson (R-S.C.) for calling
out Obama the other night.
So she casts blame on my warts
or Smog’s warts or Hogwarts
or her genital warts and lesions.
anne probably has a dick cheney
sticker on her sports utility vehicle
$5.75 for the best haiku describing why Joe Wilson is an ass clown:
http://leftake.com/diary/691/575-haiku-contest-why-joe-wilson-is-an-ass-clown
How about O’Reilly? Is he annes secret lover?
He got faced by a dutch student:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sTPsFIsxM3w
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BpU0NxPhA78&annotation_id=annotation_355988&feature=iv
LOL
“Glenn Beck Proposes Cap on Nation’s IQ”
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/andy-borowitz/glenn-beck-proposes-cap-o_b_284549.html
If there’s a “million moron march,” they’ve found their Grand Marshall in Glenn Beck.
As for getting jiggy with Republicans, I had a chance with Michael Steele, back when he was thin, had hair, and hadn’t started on those IQ-lowering meds. When I see him on TV now, I can’t believe it’s the same guy. Literally, I occasionally have to check the dude’s resume just to verify.
Steele wanted to date you? Are you by any chance a one-armed midget?
We were just friends, but I thought he was cute. It was so long ago that Hume was still making movies and humping Jessica.
It was so long ago that Steele wanted to be a physician, and I was getting $200 tips at the Fantasy Show Bar.
Jeez, Anne! Seems like every woman I’ve ever met used to be an exotic dancer or a centerfold, or at the very least a world-class whore. Now, however, they’re all virtuous and shit, and only ONE has ever produced photographic evidence of her former hawtness.
Just sayin’.
seahawks suck.
adrian peterson (period)
whore.
Dammit, it’s been six days since this post. Maybe God is on one of his ether- and alcohol binges again?
Jim, I was feeling kind of jealous, since I don’t know any ex-strippers or centerfolds (where do you meet these people?). All the sluts I know are men. Until I remembered that I actually know an active stripper, who is also into swinging. Too bad she’s married though.
She looks hawt, too bad she has a boob job. Ah, these russian women..
Nayhteist, God was busy over the weekend helping Matt Barkley(Barkley thanked Him 14 times in a two minute interview following the victory, so it must be true….) and his faithful Trojan teammates defeat the vile, immoral heathens from Ohio…Then he had to help along 13 teams in the NFL to victory yesterday(Again, according to the accounts of those victorious), though apparently Kurt Warner must have disrespected him recently….Which I find a bit surprising.
Sounds like he’s bending the laws of time and space again.
Donovan McNabb went down with an injury. Wow. How shocking.
The Seahawks fucking rock!
“The Seahawks fucking rock!”
Is that a title to an art piece? If so, I’d like to see it.
Athletes suck! Can anyone convince me that, as a rule, they’re NOT shallow, overpaid low-life wifebeating cokeheads?
Couch potatoes that watch sports suck even harder. Really, talk about a million moron march!
Sorry, just had to get that out of my system.
I’ve never had any complaints about the way I suck.
sometimes sucking harder ain’t so bad.
like when adrian peterson is scoring 3 touchdowns with 180 yds on 25 carries.
i got nfl sunday ticket. multiple TVs in my living room. God has blessed me with the ability to watch any game i want at anytime…a few at a time.
thanks, God!!!!
God is going to see to it that Michael Vick becomes the starting qb for the Eagles. That’s just how He works in Philly.
Watching football while grading papers is kind of like texting while driving.
http://images.encyclopediadramatica.com/images/b/ba/Sadjesus.png
Watching football while grading papers
written by new jersey morons is like
scratching while watching TV, anne.
then again, maybe it’s a challenge for you
R.I.P. Pat Swayze
http://stuffgodhates.com/2008/04/4-patrick-swayze/
Thank you, Blessed Redeemer, for not visiting Roadhouse III upon us. At least not a Roadhouse III with Swayze, and that’s all us sinners can hope for.
Yes, nr 4 was one of God’s better rants. Some hilarious comments too:
“#15 Who REALLY wrote that ghashtly, blasphemous crock of cowdung ?Marilyn Manson, or Charles Manson ,son of perdition? Same old devil, YOU go back to the pit of hell, from whence YOU came, because you are a bound and defeated foe, and you know it.
[..]
”For the Word of God is medication and Life to his flesh,for the law of the spirit of life” operates in Patrick Swayze, and makes him free from the law of sinand death.”
#22 “If Patrick has been Born Again, and Baptised, then he has already died, been buried with Christ spiritually, and risen with Him to eternal life.”
You can’t make this stuff up.
I’ll say one thing for Swayze’s acting, his portrayal of a pedophile preacher in Donnie Darko was uncannily convincing.
God, while you’re at it, could you find it in your heart to take Russell Crowe from this world as well? This alleged actor sold his soul to Satan to make a turkey like Gladiator a commercial success. It is the only rational explanation for the hordes of millions that willingly parted with their hard-earned cash to see Maximus Ridiculous fight a commode.
However, I would assign a much higher priority to the petulant bloodcrazed demon and alcoholic minion of Beelzebub that, here on earth, calls itself Mel Gibson.
I have yet to see a worse piece of garbage than that homo-erotic anti-semitic splattermovie The Passion of the Christ. He is out to give You and Your son a bad name and libel Your chosen people. As you said before, you’ve always stood by them 110%, so why allow this abomination unto You, who is also responsible for abortions such as Apocalypto and lethal Weapon 4, to continue to visit its unholy terror upon the cinema?
Talking about your chosen people, what did You think of the `jewish revenge porn’ Inglourious Basterds? I thought it was great, it had plenty of scalpings, exploding heads and people being burnt alive, and it was all ok because the victims spoke German. Oh, and it rags on Americans for not speaking foreign languages, which is always a bonus.
God, could you not appear into Tarantino’s breakfast burrito and order him to do a kick-ass Biblical movie? How about the non-preachy parts from the OT, the stuff with lots of swordfighting, incest, destroying cities with trumpet music, mass raping and pillaging, smiting with sores of the genitals, and coveting your neighbour’s oxen? From the NT we’d all like to see zombie Jesus of course, and his attack on the temple, with the cutting off of ears etc. As a special request I’d like to see him chase a herd of swine into a lake to drown with his Jedi mind powers.
A belated thank you, O Lord, for casting Charlton Heston into the pits of Hell. His portrayal of Moses was so lame, Tarantino would cast someone much more appropriate. Maybe Jean-Claude van Damme? What are your thoughts on this O Vengeful One?
And could you smite Tony Scott for making crap like Man on fire, Domino, Beverly Hills Cop II and many other unmentionable stinkbombs?
God,
Does Naytheist ever get on Your Divine Nerves? You know, for being unfunny and writing books on Your Holy Blog.
I’m not in the league of Dick Franing (yet). I’m just doing my bit to keep this thread alive while God is recovering from a Glorious Hangover. Maybe you could chip in, instead of ratting me out to God. You know what He thinks of snitches.
God, doesn’t Nun ever get on your nerves for defiling your blog with her sluttiness?
A cousin of mine idolized Swayze so much he even dressed just like him in Road House. Which is kind of weird because my cousin is very Oriental.
That’s just really, really sad.
Not-so-bright Naytheist said: “Maybe you could chip in, instead of ratting me out to God.”
Wow. You’re on God’s Divine and Holy Blog, bonehead. I don’t have to rat you out. God can read, moron!
Au contrere, Naytheist. Her sluttiness is never a problem for HIM. It’s her ticket to the house of God, actually.
You were *trying* to rat me out. You will not succeed, for God has ordered me to keep this thread alive with my rants. The voices in my head told me so. He has appointed me as His interim-prophet while he’s sleeping it off. Which makes me your Saviour, so you better behave.
Yes, God can read. He doesn’t need to read though, because he is omniscient. Which is another reason why your attempt at snitching was so pathetically futile.
Bei, there are good and bad kinds of sluttiness, and God is expert at smelling out the bad ones. Nuns days on this blog are numbered!
shut up, nay.
I am not Ben.
No. ben is better than you.
holy shit! i’m better than someone!
Hmm, what would Christ do? He would curl up in the fetal position and suck his thumb, because he is a FAG.
You’ll find I’m quite a different kind of prophet. By the powers invested in Me by the voices in My head I COMMAND YOU TO HOLD YOUR TONGUE WENCH!!
Or I will smite you by sending wave after wave of bats into that Him-forsaken gloomy cavern that you call a va-jay-jay.
No men will ever dare to venture there again YOU INSATIABLE VIXEN!
Ben, kust curious, what creature is your gravatar supposed to depict? A chipmunk? A bonobo?
Or is it Hanuman the Lord of monkeys, commanding his armies?
#61: tl;dr
I wonder who Heidi had to blow to get such a light sentence?
http://www.lvrj.com/news/breaking_news/Heidi-Fleiss-gets-probation-in-drug-case-59385867.html
I am sad she is in my town, but not for the reasons you might think…
It’s because you prefer male whores, isn’t it Jim?
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/northamerica/usa/6173399/Charles-Darwin-film-too-controversial-for-religious-America.html
“Movieguide.org [..] described Darwin as the father of eugenics and denounced him as “a racist, a bigot and an 1800s naturalist whose legacy is mass murder”. His “half-baked theory” directly influenced Adolf Hitler and led to “atrocities, crimes against humanity, cloning and genetic engineering”, the site stated.”
shut up, naytheist.
said.
Supported.
Sinners
God,
Why did You have to kill Mary from Peter, Paul and Mary??
Why, God? WHY???
And Henry Gibson! WTF, he wore the collar and everything.
Time for a meltdown.
I think we should be grateful for all the times that God rubbed someone out to improve our lives.
This is boring.
God, why have you forsaken us?
Because you suck.
Supported.
shut up bentheist
We will make #100 yet.
Indeed.
We don’t need no stinkin’ Gods.
Man, He must be chillin’ in Bora Bora this week. Is He with that slutty nun?
Perhaps.
Hey “God”, wouldn’t it be funny if Obama was legitimately assassinated and you had to backtrack on what you said to make it sound like you were only speaking metaphorically or figuratively? Remember when you tried to “angrily clarify” your “longtime stance against humans killing each other”?:
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28151
A lot of good that did.
Thank the real God you’re probably just some Onion writer’s side project. I wouldn’t want to be you if Obama really did die.
.
shut up benlial
when did His blog become clogged
with annoying jackanapes?
this blog has gotten ben-ed
also, i want to kick eva longoria in the box
i am above the law
guess yo is napping in the laz-y-boy
cracka’s hung over
ben’s jerking it to his kanye poster
and anne’s got an object stuck
in her gaping sloshbucket -
nun is diddling herself to season two of X Files
and i’m running low on meds
shut up Hume
One good quickening wasted on a rotted corpse.
hey there’s anne -
i think i lost my cell phone and car keys
in your bush
also, naytheist is clearly ben.
shut up ben
I resent that. You can call me everything but I draw the line at ben.
Belial’s got it all wrong. That moron doesn’t realize The Onion is satire and wouldn’t recognize God’s Holyiest Blog if it would appear in his browser and announced it was God’s Holyiest Blog.
Whoever is impersonating God over at The Onion will surely suffer eternal buttrape in the bowels of Hell. It’s also a very bad impersonation, God is not a dirty stinking hippie pacifist fag!
Nay - It sure as hell looks like the same God.
It’s a mirror image, which is a sure sign of Satan’s trickery.
It’s funny you say that, I was just listening to Sgt. Pepper’s in reverse…..
Paul McCartney is dead, he just doesn’t know it yet.
Hello God,
If he pray for Obama’s Death, I will pray for HujinTao’s death and Former President of Republic Of China Chenshui-bian’s death!