Stuff God Hates

Aug 24th, 2009 by God

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Let it be known throughout the land: No longer shall I spare Florida from My Yearly Divine Hurricane Wrath.

By Holy Tradition, every year I go around the world destroying countries with hurricanes and tornadoes and earthquakes and wildfires. As part of that process, I usually send some strong hurricanes to wipe out as many Floridians as possible.

In recent years though I had spared Florida, thanks solely to the prayers of its governor, Charlie Crist.

Is God protecting Fla. at Gov. Crist’s request?

BUT NO MORE! THE LORD GIVETH, AND THE LORD TAKETH AWAY!

Charlie Crist has committed the cardinal sin of pride. Standing in front of a bunch of lowlife real estate agents, he basically took credit for the absence of any major hurricanes since 2006!

And then later in his speech, Crist said: “Knock on wood.”

Crist called for help from the ‘tree-gods.’ So he’s basically no better than a heathen treesexual.

Can you imagine? And I’ve actually been listening to this lunatic’s prayers.

I can’t wait to smite Florida again.

Tags: Charlie Crist, Florida, God

Posted in Government, News, Prayers, Smitings

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26 Responses to “Florida is no longer under My Divine Protection”

on 24 Aug 2009 at 11:23 am1Naytheist

You are truly a Vengeful God! Thank you for answering my prayers of hatred and smiting Florida. I’ve been to Miami a few years ago and didn’t like it so much.
For the curious, I used Morbid Angel’s “Prayer of Hatred”:

“Come with Storm and
Blow the flesh from this earth
Come with Flood and
Wash away the flesh from this earth”

But why stop at Florida? How about Philadelphia, I really hate that place.
on 24 Aug 2009 at 12:51 pm2anne johnson

Nay, God smote Philadelphia with Michael Vick.
on 24 Aug 2009 at 1:04 pm3lledowyn

Dear God,

I worship you daily, and I even give you burnt offerings (did you like that lamb I sent you?). When you’re smiting Florida, could you spare my house? I will buy and sacrifice a bull to your mighty self and fast for 40 days in gratitude for sparing me. Also, if there is anything else that I can do for you, just let me know and I will gladly do it.
on 24 Aug 2009 at 1:20 pm4Dr. Herbman

Dear god, i think you took the wrong picture…

That looks like the picture from my house, because everytime i smoke those fatty´s the sky turns grey like that picture…. i have a vent but i can´t handle the smoke, it´s like when california burns.

people say it´s a storm…
bullshit…
on 24 Aug 2009 at 1:31 pm5Naytheist

lledowyn, stop trying to meddle with the Divine plan. You are a Floridian sinner, guilty of the sins of pride (and having too dark a tan), and you know it! You deserve every smiting God chooses to dish out, so quit your grovelling (although I’m sure God enjoys it).

I’ve been to Miami and it’s completely cockroach infested. The beaches are nothing but a hunting ground for sodomites.
Handling the dollar bills there will turn you into an addict in less than a week due to the coke residue.
The rest of Florida is full of lazy pensioners and alligators. God will do the world a favor by visiting that place with every smiting and plague in the book.

No amount of of cattle burning can help you now. Prepare for the ass-raping demons of Hell!
on 24 Aug 2009 at 2:24 pm6Dr. Herbman

supported.
on 24 Aug 2009 at 3:19 pm7Sander

lledowyn is going down.
on 24 Aug 2009 at 4:18 pm8God

Naytheist - You are welcome.

lledowyn - Since you are such a loyal servant, I shall spare your home from destruction.

Dr. Herbman - You aren’t smoking enough weed to keep Me happy.
on 24 Aug 2009 at 4:19 pm9Hume Cronyn

ben must be exhausted with all these
new personas
on 24 Aug 2009 at 4:19 pm10Naytheist

Good to see God has some loyal servants left. Even if they are potheads.
on 24 Aug 2009 at 4:38 pm11Bei Shen

I heard Key West is really nice. I don’t mind going there with my admin assistant.
on 24 Aug 2009 at 6:27 pm12Ben

I’m not any of these people Hume, so why don’t you go suck on some ether ya punk bitch
on 24 Aug 2009 at 9:23 pm13Dr. Herbman

i want some HAAASHISHI!!
on 24 Aug 2009 at 9:27 pm14Ben

dude, i need more weed
on 25 Aug 2009 at 12:50 am15uppity cracka

shut.

up.

ben.
on 25 Aug 2009 at 3:38 am16Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Poor stupid ben.
on 25 Aug 2009 at 4:58 am17Warrior in Ben's Awesome Almighty Love

hey
on 25 Aug 2009 at 5:00 am18Warrior in Ben's Awesome Almighty Love

I think you’ve said enough
on 25 Aug 2009 at 2:55 pm19Dr. Herbman

poor ben….

no personality…

SHUT UP MOTHER FUCKER! YOU TALK TOO MUCH FOR TOO LONG!
on 25 Aug 2009 at 3:24 pm20Ben

but…but…but….i barely say anything!
on 25 Aug 2009 at 5:29 pm21Nun Ur Damned Bizness

And when you do say something, it’s stupid. Poor stupid ben.
on 26 Aug 2009 at 12:16 am22Smoggy Batzrubble

Yeah Ben…and if you say something that isn’t stupid, how are we going to recognise you?
on 26 Aug 2009 at 12:53 am23Ben

“All I know is that I know nothing.” - Socrates
on 26 Aug 2009 at 1:39 am24Smoggy Batzrubble

“All I know is that I want to bang something.” — Smogcrates
on 28 Aug 2009 at 4:35 am25Anonymous

And what, you spared freakin’ JEB when he was Governor?
on 10 Sep 2009 at 12:04 am26Anonymous

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