Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
I AM AGHAST!
A group of 300 vile atheists took over My Creation Museum recently. They were very disrespectful and dared to ridicule it under their breath the whole time they were there. Luckily, I had a loyal group of Christian guards there to shush them with tasers.
I love My Creation Museum, and I will not just sit idly by while a bunch of insolent heathen bastards make fun of it. My Creation Museum has a lot of solid evidence proving that the world is only 6,000 years old. For example, just take a look at this Divine Chart of My Word:
The creation orchard IS AS CLEAR AS CLEAR CAN BE! I made the beasts of the Earth to look like other beasts, and I made humans to look like ME!
UGH! How dare those stupid bloodsucking atheist bastards even step foot in My Divine Creation Museum?! I should have burned them to a crisp or attacked them with swarms of locusts as soon as they walked through the door.
BAH! Tis’ no matter. I shall infest all of their genitals with open sores.
HEATHEN SCUM!
Gene on 
ronpaulcandidate on 
jetaDeelp on 
Nun Ur Damned Bizness on 
The Ender on 
God is a righteous judge,
a God who expresses his wrath every day.
Psalm 7:11
Seems like you should add some more trials and tribulations to those heathen bastards’ lives. They obviously don’t have enough to keep them occupied.
Hey, what’s with that photo at the top of today’s post? Where’s Adam and Steve?
And I don’t suppose those bastards at the museum made any mention of me, Adam’s first wife? Cowards!
The chick at the top of this post looks pretty hot. The original MILF?
Dear T.OC,
Don’t worry, I will be adding plenty of trials, tribulations, and more to the lives of those damn dirty atheist apes. I will sentence them to a lifetime of alienation and powerlessness for being atheists, and then when they die they will suffer and burn and get raped for all eternity in the fires of hell.
You should make all their genitals fall off their heathen bodies, God.
I agree with Nun, God. I don’t think the open sores goes far enough. they should all be struck with genital leprosy as well.
That raped eternally in the fires of hell sounds like it could be a hit advertising campaign.
The REAL penance for atheist stupidity is neither genital rot and social alienation in this life, nor the eternal rape and fires of hell in the afterlife.
The ultimate price they must pay is never being able to talk with God.
can’t they just sign in here and say something like,
“fuck you, God!! you don’t even exist!!”?
fucking atheist scumbags. probably voted for obama.
So true. Tony Snow, just for that I grant you one weekend pass to Super Heaven. No more trudging around in dumpy old regular Heaven for you anymore this weekend buddy!
shut up, ben.
I never realized Eve was so damned hawt, God! I thought she woulda been blonde, though, since we all know the whites are Your Chosen People…
Unless that drawing was shooped…
Thank You, Lord
Can I party with Michael Jackson?
This just in from Sarah Palin: The Creation Museum will be a “safe zone” for those condemned by the Death Panel.
Hi, Tony
I believe it’s “The ultimate price they must pay is never being able to talk TO God.” TO, not WITH.
It’s absurd to think that God talks with you. You talk to God and He talks back to you whenever the hell He’d like. You don’t just have a conversation with God anyway you want. That’s so unthinkable.
Bei makes a valid point. Our dear and beloved God is a cranky cuss and does not really talk to us at all. It would probably be most accurately described as yelling. God yells at us. Every once in awhile He bestows us with Divine Love but usually it’s just Divine Ranting.
Talking is like sex … when it is done TO someone instead of WITH someone, you might as well be alone.
Those poor people at that Creation Museum! Here they go to all the trouble to build a museum that shows how God created everything, and God won’t even award them an Avenging Angel to keep out the atheists.
Stingy deity.
I’m so confused.
I know longer no whether or not to scream “repent” to you heathens. It’s like, you guys are on the side of The Lord, but kinda not really, but are. Sorta.
I am prepared for my smiting.
Mixter
Oh no! Atheists at OUR museum!
That’s like white boys at a Nation of Islam convention…
Homosexuals at hooters…
Nun signing an abstinence pledge…
It’s nice to see Tony Snow again…
I wonder if God’s new format will bring back Curtis, and Zeus, and cracka’s mojo…
Mixter @ 23
God never smites us when we are prepared for it. His great plan means that He ALWAYS smites us whenever we are unprepared, no matter how long we remain in a state of preparedness. This, you see, is part of His great and loving purpose to keep us in a state of readiness, for as He says in His Holy Bible: “Watch therefore, for ye know neither the day nor the hour wherein the Son of man cometh.”
In other words, when you least expect it, expect it.
Smoggy
PS God also waits until we least expect it, because it appeals to His divine and glorious sense of humor to watch us shit our pants with terror when the unexpected happens. This is why he will most likely smite you when you have diarrhea, because then He can laugh longer as liquid feces trickles slowly down your legs.
Nice.
The Adam and Eve photo reminded me of something…
Q:
What’s the first thing Adam said to Eve??
A:
Ya better stay back, I don’t know how big this thing gets.
Love your teeth, lil’ sis!
Wanna try a tongue kiss?
In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,
Complacently stroking his Madam.
He was full of mirth,
‘Cos he knew on this earth,
There were only two balls, and he ‘ad ‘em.
Atheists?! In OUR creation museum?
It happens more than you think.
Burning, ok, locusts, great! But why would you infest their genitals with Open Source? Wouldn’t Windows suffice?
Yes, as Psalm 24:7 says: “Lift up your heads, o ye Gates…”.
Coincidence? I think NOT.
God,
Sorry I’m late to the party here. Apparently, one of my minion spies sent me an email quite some time ago suggesting I check out your blog, but my inbox has a huge backlog that I’m working through, so I didn’t see his message until recently. I’ve been super busy with other matters lately, as the moral state of the world has seriously declined in the last few years (much to my delight), especially so with the recent swearing in of the new American President Barack Obama. I’m totally revelling in it. I mean, really… Opening up embryonic stem cell research? I’ve been trying to convince your stupid followers for decades that killing babies is harmless fun, and this guy does it in a matter of days after coming into office. Brilliant!!! And closing down Gitmo? What a swell idea. I can’t wait until all those wonderful crazy Islamic fundamentalist nut jobs get released back into the populace. Boy do I have some catch-up work for them to do… Needless to say, I haven’t had this much sway over the populace since that little Crusades/Inquisition tirade where I fooled all those stupid Catholics into believing they were torturing and massacring innocents by the thousands in your name (- what a bunch of gullible dumbasses…).
Anway, my reason for being here is not to brag (even though I do enjoy it, seeing how vanity and pride are in my list of top seven favorite sins). I just figured I’d stop by and check the place out, and I have to say, I sorta like what I’m seein’. Back in the day (before you kicked me outa da house), I always thought you were such an uptight fuck, what with not wanting to share your powers and all. I’m glad to see you’ve lightened up, let your beard down, and learned how to bitch with the rest/worst of ‘em. In fact, if you weren’t the omnipotent creator of the universe (and hence can bend the rules to your liking), I’d be thinking about snazzing up a fiery pit down here just for you, where you could suffer for eternity and all that jazz… But, as they say in one of my personal favorite countries, “c’est la vite”. Nonetheless, keep up the good work. Your wonderfully hateful attitude is no doubt turning many of your followers off to your silly cult anyway, thereby making my job much easier. In fact, if you just wanna throw in the towel and retire to a nice vacation spot, say, over around Alpha Centauri somewhere, I’ll be happy to take the universe off of your hands. If you wanna kick it around and get back to me, that’d be okay. I could also talk to Obama about hosting a discussion over beers at my White House. Just let me know…
Until next time.
Yours truly,
Satan
LOL, this made me laugh so hard! Thanks for the site, laughing at christians is the best! they make it so easy dont they
James ya make me feel a proper C**t - except I can’t reach ya to touch ya. ya heathen bastard ya c**t ya
LOL……….ya
So, God, you told the sons of Adam and Eve to marry their sisters? This worries me a bit, for I too hear voices in my head telling me to have sex with my relatives. Until now I ignored them, for I thought it was Satan and his minions. But am I right in understanding it might be you, God?
If so, I your humble servant will of course obey. I foresee some practical problems though, it may lower my social standing, and some heathen judge might send me to jail. My relatives might object as well, but that’s not such a problem. I can be very persuasive, if I know I have God on my side. And I have the keys to the basement.
Perhaps you can provide me with some proof, God, that this is Your Will? How about a badge that says `Mother-/Sister-/Unclefucker for Christ’, or words to that effect?
Thank you.
God, why are my comments rejected? I tried twice, to no avail.
Is it because of the link?
On, without the link:
God, why is there no frontal nudity to be found in the Creation Museum? The Bible clearly states that Adam and Eve went around butt naked all day. Until you smote them with the curse of Shame, that is.
One of your funniest smites ever, but isn’t the joke getting a bit old after 6,00 years? Could you find it in your heart to lift this curse?
After all, did you not create Pussy purely for men’s enjoyment? Eve had the Original Pussy, which must be a sight to behold.
Adam however can stay in the bushes, I do not particularly care to see his schlong. Could you make the bush poison ivy, now that would be funny.
I meant 6,000 years, of course.
i am a Christian, but Creationism is stupid. The end.