In this edition of Ask God, The Almighty answers a few of the many questions He has recently received from one of his flock who goes by the name of Naytheist. Afterwards, mortals will be given the awesome opportunity to ask God one question. If The Lord is feeling generous, He may actually answer.
QUESTION #1:
Naytheist: Dear God, I’m confused. Is Your Son buried in Kashmir, India or in Aomori, Japan?
And is it true that it was his brother up there on the cross?
I was also wondering about his feet, His footprints like he had fallen arches. Which would make sense, after walking such distances.
GOD: You idiot, My Son is not buried anywhere. He rose from the dead and ascended to Heaven. Jesus Christ! Read your fucking bible.
No, it wasn’t any of his brothers up there on the cross dying for him. They were all far too fat to serve as a good stand-in. So we just went ahead and had Jesus die on the cross as originally planned.
About his feet, that part is true. While on Earth, Jesus indeed developed flat feet. He still whines about it to this day.
QUESTION #2:
Naytheist: Dear God, given your omniscience, you are no doubt aware that the blasphemer Brad Greenberg is slandering your blog.
Will he go to Hell now? What kind of smite do you have in mind for him?
GOD: Yes, Brad Greenberg is definitely going to develop leprosy and burn in hell for a long time.
QUESTION #3:
Naytheist: Not really a question, more of a thank-you note:
Killing two birds with one stone, nice one God!
GOD: Swine flu was designed to kill Mexicans, pigs, and fat people. All the more reason for all of you lazy bastards out there to HIT THE GYM!
Gene on 
ronpaulcandidate on 
jetaDeelp on 
Nun Ur Damned Bizness on 
The Ender on 
Dear God, what makes Naytheist so special?
That’s way more than 1 question, God.
claiming that obese people run a higher risk of attracting and dying from Swine flu is wrong. There is no scientific findings supporting this. In fact the evidence states the complete opposite. In the US 13-14% of hospitalized for the H1N1 (the catchier name for Swiney Flu) is said to be obese. Since health statistic show that 34% of Americans are obese and if we to this ad the fact that most of those hospitalized in the US that were obese also suffered from diabetes, liver failure, heart failures and similar problems, we can actually conclude, with certainty, that plump fatties actually are highly underrepresented. In other words, if you want to avoid catching or dying from this Piggy disease, please go and buy 55 or so hamburgers.
Dear God,
Why are those bastards from Google changing the algorithm again. Is it Your will?
If not, would You mind smiting them for changing the script again?
By the way, God, this has to be one of Your most creative smitings…
http://www.kmbc.com/cnn-news/20414373/detail.html
God: thank you for clearing that up. I hope you will smite the asian heretics of Aomori soon - it seems Kashmir has already been on your shitlist for a while.
Sander: get over it, we can’t all be superstars.
Jim: yes, that’s more than one question, thanks for pointing that out. You must have paid attention in kindergarten.
apocalypse nowish: may God send a swarm of locusts your way for contradicting Him with your `science’ and `reason’. If you’d read his blog, you would know God is not restricted by science, reason or reality in any way! That’s what omnipotence is all about.
Who is bartending in heaven, Sir?
I’m just assuming there’s a huge, open bar.
Dean Martin? Sorrell Booke?
If it’s Booke, is he dressed as Boss Hogg?
God, these people are so rude! Contradicting You, moaning about more than one question … smite!
Sander - Nothing makes him special, except for the fact that he has been bombarding Me with questions lately. I felt merciful and so decided his piddly queries.
Christian the Jew - NO! I will not smite them for changing the divine script, as it is part of MY DIVINE PLAN!
Hume Cronyn - We have a rotating line-up of bartenders at the bar in My Palace. Currently I have the guy who played ‘Coach’ on Cheers tending My Divine Bar. Naturally, I demand he stay in character at all times.
Dear God,
When I Google naytheist, i keep getting a redirect to gaytheist. WTF?
I see… I thought it was a trick by Satan. I didn’t realize that the Google script was a divine creation of Yours. I will begin reading the Divine Script along with Your Divine Text that enjoy for bedtime stories.
When I google naytheist I get redirected to NatWest.. very sinister..
you guys are the kind of fags that God hates.
shut up, ben.
I googled naythiest in images and got a pair of twinks hammering each other.
You can’t always get what you want. You get what you need.
Oh, and learn to spell.
Learn how to stop fellating yourself.
[...] naytheists tend to preach the correct spelling of the english language. [...]
jesus never rose from the dead, HE DIED YOU IDIOTS! Your beliefs are fucked up. Think logically, how does a dead men live again? If you idiots believe that, go shoot yourselves in the head and see if you rise again, better yet shoot the pope and see if he comes back to life.
Yo, Ralph, were you there? How do you know Jesus didn’t get resurrected? Were you there, mofo? Like, how do you know he even lived?
And for the record, I shoot myself in the head frequently and survive every time. I have 12 disciples so far. Sadly, they’re all cats.