Stuff God Hates

Aug 3rd, 2009 by God

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
I hate hopes and I hate dreams! They violate My Divine Plan! How dare you humans lounge around and dream of ways to thwart My Divine Plan?

If I made you a gravedigger, then stay a gravedigger and be glad I don’t have you arrested. Don’t spend your days praying of becoming a porno star.*

Many people start bugging Me with this shit from a very young age. For example, I recently had a young boy who wanted to become a pilot when he grew up. But I’d already decided to give him awful 20/60 vision. But did that stop him? No. That dumbass spent his whole life bugging Me with his prayers to become a pilot. And yet he ended up becoming a pizza delivery boy with a acute addiction to Robitussin and Jack Daniels anyway, just as I’d always intended.

All these little hopes and dreams and all the wishing and the begging is just pathetic! I don’t much appreciate that which is pathetic.

Life is not fair, ok? It’s not fair, and I never said it would be fair.

Was life ever fair in The Bible? NO! Some men are born to be slaves of other men, some women are born to be raped by their fathers, and that’s just the way it is! Some things will never change. I am what I am and it is what it is!

Asking Me to change My Divine Plan every time you pick a stupid new dream is insulting! Oh, so you’re broke as a joke and now you want to win the lottery? Good luck asshole! Not going to happen without My Say-So. Are you a man who dreams about being a woman? Sorry – you’ll always be a man, no matter how hard you try. Are you a panda that wishes you were a track star? Tough shit! Eat some bamboo and shut your fucking face.

Let Me tell you something about The Divine Plan. I don’t change it for nobody, got it? Many humans spend their whole lives struggling against My Plan for them, but all are broken by Me sooner or later.

You see, that is the reason I give humans free will in the first place. It gives Me great pleasure to break a human’s spirit and force them to love Me.

*If I gave you a small penis, you can’t be a porn star.

Tags: Dreams, God, Hopes

Posted in Sins, Smitings, The Bible

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175 Responses to “#81 Hopes and Dreams”

on 03 Aug 2009 at 5:36 am1Hume Cronyn

“The world needs ditch diggers, too.”
-Judge Schmails
on 03 Aug 2009 at 11:37 am2anne johnson

I can personally testify to this. I had a job I loved for 20 years. Every day I said a little prayer and thanked God for that job. So I got downsized and lost it. It has taken me five years and a whole new religion to find a new job. And I’m absolutely sure I won’t like this job as much as I liked the former one.

They say God giveth and God taketh away. Seems to me like He giveth aggravation and taketh away happiness.

But I have a question, and I’ll ask here cheekily instead of putting it in the question file:

God, how DO you choose porn stars? Is it when they’re kids or teens, or when?
on 03 Aug 2009 at 11:37 am3anne johnson

Do You choose porn stars in utero?
on 03 Aug 2009 at 3:11 pm4Stuff God Hates – #81 Hopes and Dreams « Skepfeeds-The Best Skeptical blogs of the day

[...] Stuff God Hates – #81 Hopes and Dreams Posted in Stuff God Hates by Skepdude on August 3, 2009 READ THE FULL ENTRY AT STUFF GOD HATES [...]
on 03 Aug 2009 at 4:07 pm5God

Anne - You are still struggling against My Plan. It is My Plan that you should be unemployed and homeless. You just don’t see it yet.

As to your question, I actually choose porn stars in Heaven. They are those potential humans who impress Me the most with their vim and vigor.
on 03 Aug 2009 at 4:25 pm6Christian The Jew

What about midget porn?
on 03 Aug 2009 at 4:32 pm7Jim

I guess that ’splains it all. Hope I’ve provided You with lots of laughs, God.
on 03 Aug 2009 at 4:36 pm8God

As a matter of fact Jim, you have. As you can see, every once in a while your hopes coincide with My Divine Plan.
on 03 Aug 2009 at 5:23 pm9Bei Shen

I love looking at white women painting inside of the house on TV. I wish there are more of them.
on 03 Aug 2009 at 6:46 pm10Yo Yo Ma Ma

So quiet…
on 03 Aug 2009 at 6:48 pm11Benjamin

where’s cracka? he promised he would be here more this week. i had hoped and dreamed of that….
on 03 Aug 2009 at 7:08 pm12Nun Ur Damned Bizness

I can personally vouch for this as well. My son wants to be a pilot like the poor little dreamer in God’s parable. Guess what? Red-green colorblind. Killed the little loser’s hopes and dreams before they really had a chance to grow. Nice one, God.
on 03 Aug 2009 at 7:28 pm13Nun Ur Damned Bizness

I wonder if having your father hit on you at his partner’s funeral crushes any hopes or dreams.

http://www.digitalspy.com/showbiz/a169030/oneal-hit-on-daughter-at-fawcett-funeral.html?imdb

I feel bad for Tatum O’Neal. That would be very creepy.
on 03 Aug 2009 at 8:04 pm14Yo Yo Ma Ma

May God crushed Ryan O’Neal’s hopes and dreams…
on 03 Aug 2009 at 8:07 pm15Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Ryan O’Neal has a tiny penis so yes, God did crush his hopes and dreams and turned him into an asshole. A creepy, perverted asshole.
on 03 Aug 2009 at 8:17 pm16anne johnson

Does Ryan O’Neal even have a penis? He looks like a pussy to me.
on 03 Aug 2009 at 8:59 pm17Nun Ur Damned Bizness

He has a penis. It’s behind all that fat.

My family had a family reunion and my brother and myself weren’t invited. I thought that was pretty fucked up but at least our dad isn’t Ryan O’Neal.
on 04 Aug 2009 at 12:40 am18Benjamin

I hoped and dreamed that NJ would be better than Iowa and it was. I don’t recommend anyone living in Iowa.
on 04 Aug 2009 at 3:27 am19Jim

My hopes and dreams for today are that this Oily Taint beeotch should be mistaken for a sheep by Smoggy, but I’m afraid that’s an insult to sheep everywhere:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/32274609#32274609
on 04 Aug 2009 at 3:01 pm20Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Wow.

http://www.digitalspy.com/odd/a169060/the-x-files-remade-as-porn-film.html

There’s another one… I think it’s called The XXX Files but I’m not sure on that. I’ve never seen it. If it’s true what they say about the actress looking just like Gillian Anderson, it should please many a fanboy and fangirl.
on 04 Aug 2009 at 3:12 pm21Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Yo,

Just out of curiousity, did Star Trek fans ever do something silly like… oh… I don’t know, send a stuffed animal around the world to meet other Star Trek fans and the creative talent behind Star Trek?
on 04 Aug 2009 at 3:30 pm22Benjamin

God, you gave me a large penis but I don’t think you want me to be a porn star. I’m much too shy for that.
on 04 Aug 2009 at 3:45 pm23Nun Ur Damned Bizness

3 inches isn’t large, you moron.
on 04 Aug 2009 at 3:46 pm24Benjamin

8 inches isn’t large enough for you anymore, whore. you need the a foot or more of penis.
on 04 Aug 2009 at 3:55 pm25Nun Ur Damned Bizness

8 inches is perfect actually.

And. I. AM. NOT. A. WHORE!!! Damn you, putrid rotting ballbag! DAMN YOU!!!
on 04 Aug 2009 at 4:05 pm26uppity cracka

FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING FUCKS!!!!!!!!!!
on 04 Aug 2009 at 4:46 pm27Benjamin

whoa! where did that come from crickity cracka?
on 04 Aug 2009 at 5:07 pm28Bei Shen

Too much pain and sorrow in the world …
on 04 Aug 2009 at 5:13 pm29Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Wow. I really love getting an email after 4 years of no contact from my bastard’s father only to find out that he’s doing really, really well while we’ve been struggling.

Please crush that fuckity-fuck’s hopes and dreams, God.

Full of mortal rage, that’s what I am.
on 04 Aug 2009 at 5:26 pm30uppity cracka

bring his ass to court. if that doesn’t work, start breaking his stuff. take the money out of his ass if you have to!!!

DIE, DEADBEAT HEATHEN SCUM!!!!!
on 04 Aug 2009 at 5:34 pm31Nun Ur Damned Bizness

He’s black so he knows how to use the system to his advantage. He bought a house somehow. I don’t know how he managed to do that when his past-due child support is almost 20k.

Did I mention that I’m full of mortal rage? Because I really, really am. See?
on 04 Aug 2009 at 5:51 pm32uppity cracka

yeah, i see that…wow.

burn his house down.

take out his knees.

saw his dick off with a rusty serrated bread knife.

murder his son!!!

DO IT FOR GOD!!!!

like that abraham feller.
on 04 Aug 2009 at 5:52 pm33Benjamin

he’s doing really, really well? so why is contacting you unless he wants to give his son some money?
on 04 Aug 2009 at 5:55 pm34Bei Shen

I wish I could be black. That’ll be so awesome.
on 04 Aug 2009 at 6:12 pm35Nun Ur Damned Bizness

I need to stop reading the walls on people’s Facebook. It’s really enlightening to see my son’s father being a father to people who aren’t even his real kids. It’s also how I found out my preacher dad was in the hospital and my big, fat sister didn’t bother to call me and my bro. That is my mortal rage, in case I didn’t mention it before.

ben,

My son’s father is black, hence he has no intelligence to speak of. This is the man who was showing off his brand new 60k vehicle right after the bastard was born and I didn’t know how to pay for childcare. It’s before I went after him for child support. The 60k vehicle prompted that little action. What a fucking bonehead. He’s dumber than you are.

I think I’ll sacrifice his son to Satan tonight.
on 04 Aug 2009 at 6:32 pm36Benjamin

if i were you i’d cut his dick off and then key his car. maybe even pour sugar down his gas tank, even though that may be going a bit far.
on 04 Aug 2009 at 7:16 pm37Nun Ur Damned Bizness

I’ll cut off his dick and show it to all the other black men so they can laugh at his white-man sized penis.

I’ll have Josh key his car. He lives closer to Josh than I and Josh knows him because they’re both black and all.
on 04 Aug 2009 at 7:59 pm38Yo Yo Ma Ma

Hey Nun,

I never heard of any ST fans sending stuffed animals (even Tribbles) around the world, but it’s possible.
on 04 Aug 2009 at 8:00 pm39Yo Yo Ma Ma

The Good News: THose two American journalists have been released: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090804/ap_on_re_as/as_nkorea_journalists_held

The Bad News: They won’t get out until they fuck Bill Clinton.
on 04 Aug 2009 at 8:01 pm40Yo Yo Ma Ma

‘Me fuckee you long time, me sooo horny!’
on 04 Aug 2009 at 8:03 pm41Nun Ur Damned Bizness

I would so totally fuck Bill Clinton. That man has charisma.

Thanks, Yo. What do you think is nuttier? Learning a language that doesn’t really exist(Klingon) and then speaking said language or sending a stuffed animal around the world to meet other fans and the creative team behind a beloved franchise?
on 04 Aug 2009 at 9:05 pm42uppity cracka

fuck. fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. fuck.
on 04 Aug 2009 at 9:55 pm43Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Full of mortal rage, Cracka or just dreaming about an action that you are physically unable to manage?

shut the fuck up, ben
on 04 Aug 2009 at 10:04 pm44anne johnson

My life is fucked. God gave me a job I don’t know how to do. But I’m lucky to have a job, so I have to try to do it. Damn, I should have tried to seduce Michael Steele back when we were friends.
on 04 Aug 2009 at 10:30 pm45Nun Ur Damned Bizness

My life is fucked too, Anne. I know deep down inside that it’s God’s doing but if I say that, He’ll smite me viciously and violently so I blame that putrid rotting ballbag known as ben. If ben was anywhere near me, I’d kick him in his teeny, tiny ballsac. Damn you, ben! DAMN YOU!!!
on 04 Aug 2009 at 10:45 pm46Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Okay… I’m going to rant and rave about something that’s made me a little bitter. This is about X-Files so it will put ben’s vagina in a kink but I don’t give a fuck about ben’s weepy vagina. I also can’t bitch about this at my X-Files sites because it gives more information than I would ever provide there…

I have no less than three X-Files connections. My burro worked with 1013 Productions. He’s my best connection and through him, we had an open invitation to the fucking set. We never made it because his ex is a bad fag. I’ve been reading Frank Spotnitz’s blog and fans keep talking about how great it is to meet them over and over again. WTF!! I still haven’t gotten to meet them the once that I should have met them years and years ago. I’m fucking irritated by that!! DAMN IT!!
on 04 Aug 2009 at 10:46 pm47Benjamin

hey! what the fuck did i do??
on 04 Aug 2009 at 10:50 pm48Nun Ur Damned Bizness

You’re stupid. You may change your name but you’re still ben.
on 04 Aug 2009 at 11:01 pm49Jim

Shit, Nun. I know how you feel! I used to know one of the editors from Hanna-Barbera, and I had a standing invitation to come on down to the studios. I kept putting it off, and before I knew it, ol’ Alan died on me, and I never got to meet Yogi Bear.
on 04 Aug 2009 at 11:12 pm50uppity cracka

shut up, ben.

just shut up.

let’s get drunk!!! okay, see you there!!!

my life is shit right now, too!!!!!! yay!!!!!!!!

let’s blame ben. let’s kick him in his last remaining shriveled nut.
on 04 Aug 2009 at 11:16 pm51ben

but but but…all i ever try to do is make you bastards happy! it’s ok though, i’m used to being the scapegoat. i get blamed for fucking everything.
on 04 Aug 2009 at 11:24 pm52uppity cracka

would somebody pleeeease stick a dick in ben’s mouth so he will SHUT UP?!!
on 04 Aug 2009 at 11:39 pm53Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Well, I hate to break it to you, Jim but Yogi wasn’t real. Chris Carter and Gillian Anderson are real. I oughta track down my burro’s bad fag ex and kick the holy hell out of him.

Don’t cry, ben.
on 05 Aug 2009 at 12:34 am54Jim

But the guy who played Yogi Bear was real, Nun.
on 05 Aug 2009 at 2:08 am55ben

slurp…gobble….mmm…slurp
on 05 Aug 2009 at 3:23 am56Jim

Nope, not gonna ask…
on 05 Aug 2009 at 3:44 am57Nun Ur Damned Bizness

You’re absolutely right, Jim. You were indeed gypped out of meeting Yogi. I, too, would be downhearted by such a tragic turn of events. Especially if I collected all things Yogi because then it’s kind of like fate kicked you in the crotch and then spit in your face. Kind of like God when He kills a mortal’s hopes and dreams. Fucking fate!
on 05 Aug 2009 at 4:10 am58Ben

everyone here is pretty much fucked, but at least we’re all fucked together!

has anyone seen any good TV lately? I like Hung on HBO, that’s a good show, I’m also hearing good things from the WB this summer. looking forward to GIJOE this weekend.
on 05 Aug 2009 at 1:37 pm59Yo Yo Ma Ma

Furlough days, paycheck reduction, still haven’t won the Lottery, life sucks.

Plus, my balls itch.
on 05 Aug 2009 at 1:48 pm60Benjamin

me too!
on 05 Aug 2009 at 3:12 pm61Jim

USA Network has some pretty decent shows now, even if entirely mindless. In Plain Sight and Burn Notice are OK. Monk returns soon for its last season. Also waiting for the new FX season, whenever it starts. Sons of Anarchy and Damages. Meanwhile, we at least have Orly Taitz to keep us entertained…
on 05 Aug 2009 at 3:29 pm62Nun Ur Damned Bizness

If you like GI Joe then you’re a fag. Fag ben.

The X-Files was quality programming. I miss it.
on 05 Aug 2009 at 3:41 pm63Benjamin

what? there is absolutely 100% nothing gay about GI JOE. Shit, that’s about as man as it gets.
on 05 Aug 2009 at 3:41 pm64Benjamin

actually “as man as it gets” sounds kinda gay.
on 05 Aug 2009 at 3:45 pm65Nun Ur Damned Bizness

GI Joe and Ken are butt-buddies.
on 05 Aug 2009 at 3:51 pm66Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Yo, Bloodvork. You ever use that snout for anything other than sucking up blood?
on 05 Aug 2009 at 3:59 pm67Benjamin

like sucking on a bloodvark clit?
on 05 Aug 2009 at 4:15 pm68Nun Ur Damned Bizness

or penetrating a bloodvork pussy?
on 05 Aug 2009 at 4:15 pm69Nun Ur Damned Bizness

69 - Best Number EVA!!!!
on 05 Aug 2009 at 4:21 pm70Benjamin

does a bloodvark pussy drip blood once a month? and if so, is this like a special monthly feast for the female bloodvark?

i can only assume the female bloodvark provides her puppies with fresh blood from her teats, and never foul milk.
on 05 Aug 2009 at 4:22 pm71Bei Shen

Nun made me blushed.
on 05 Aug 2009 at 4:24 pm72Nun Ur Damned Bizness

ben made me ill. I was trying not to associate pussy with blood even though I know it’s an easy connection to make.

I could do more than make you blush, Bei.
on 05 Aug 2009 at 5:21 pm73Josh

Great post God! Fuck Martin Luther King Jr and his stupid dream!!!!
on 05 Aug 2009 at 5:24 pm74The Mop Room Fairy

Anne,
God’s plan for you is to be unemployed and that you’re only hope of survival is to be my concubine once again. I await you at this year’s fall equinox; you have only 17 days to except God’s divine plan for you. (Wear that leather number with the pine cones attached to your boobs and all will be forgiven)

TMRF
on 05 Aug 2009 at 5:33 pm75Jim

So how did God’s plan for Anne get hung on me? I’m screwed…
on 05 Aug 2009 at 6:04 pm76uppity cracka

maybe God has a finite number of “Divine Plan” templates to choose from and that’s why are lives seem to be so similarly fucked all the time…

finite…God…ouch, my brain.
on 05 Aug 2009 at 6:44 pm77uppity cracka

not are…our…Him dammit!!!!
on 05 Aug 2009 at 6:50 pm78Benjamin

haha…cracka’s brain broke
on 05 Aug 2009 at 7:08 pm79Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Jim is wearing pinecones on his man boobs??

Cracka’s brain was always broken but he’s a white man so people are afraid to point that out.
on 05 Aug 2009 at 7:40 pm80anne johnson

I spit on God’s Divine Plan. I spit on Mop Room Fairy. I spit in ben’s general direction. Jim can keep my pine cones. Bloodvork has consistently claimed to be the only one of his/her kind and so cannot mate. And now I know why Martin Luther King Jr. got assassinated.
on 05 Aug 2009 at 7:49 pm81The Mop Room Fairy

I love it when you talk dirty Anne. 17 days till the equinox.
on 05 Aug 2009 at 7:57 pm82Foppl's Siege Party

17 days ’til the equinox? Not by my reckoning…
on 05 Aug 2009 at 8:02 pm83The Mop Room Fairy

The Autumnal Equinox 2009 will occur at 09-22-2009 at 21:18 UCT. That would be 17:18 EDT or 14:18 PDT.

Today is the 5th. 22 minus 5 = 17.

Do not doubt my power or the power of WikiAnswers. We were both here before you Foppl and we will both be here after you. The Mop Room Fairy has spoken.
on 05 Aug 2009 at 8:04 pm84Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Too bad it’s August and not September, numb-nutz.
on 05 Aug 2009 at 8:23 pm85Yo Yo Ma Ma

Sounds like the Mop Room Faierie has been sniffing furniture polish.
on 05 Aug 2009 at 8:42 pm86Bei Shen

I’m not blushed anymore. Now I’m shivering.
on 05 Aug 2009 at 9:10 pm87anne johnson

Mop Room Fairy, the International Association of Fairies has just revoked your membership, effective immediately. Any fairy that can’t get autumn equinox right isn’t worthy of being called a fairy.

Your photo suggests the trolls might take you, but even they’re pretty strict on matters of grammar and equinoxes.

The scum-sucking fag maggots inform me that they would be pleased to have you in their midst, and you don’t have to wait 17 days.
on 05 Aug 2009 at 9:18 pm88Lilith

Ha ha, Mop Room Fairy, ya ditz!
on 05 Aug 2009 at 9:23 pm89uppity cracka

autumnalequinoxFACE!
on 05 Aug 2009 at 9:28 pm90Benjamin

yay! mop room fairy is gonna fuck you up, bitch.
on 05 Aug 2009 at 9:33 pm91Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Poor ben. Too stupid to know what’s going on.

Are you shivering in fear or antici-SAY IT-pation, Bei?
on 05 Aug 2009 at 9:36 pm92anne johnson

Who is Mop Room Fairy gonna fuck up? Me?

I didn’t move to New Jersey from fuckin Iowa. I moved here from Detroit. Anybody wanna take a crack at fuckin me up, bring it on.

You have 17 days to make your move. And if you can’t muster the courage by that time, your next chance will be Christmas on October 31.
on 05 Aug 2009 at 9:37 pm93anne johnson

Bei’s shivering with consti-PAY IT-tion. Forgot to stir the Benefiber into his coffee this morning.
on 05 Aug 2009 at 9:38 pm94anne johnson

benefiber = the little strings of ben left over after I whoop his ass.
on 05 Aug 2009 at 9:39 pm95Benjamin

hey! i may have lived in that frozen hellscape for a bit, but I grew up on the hard streets of Teaneck, NJ, you fucking treefucking hag.
on 05 Aug 2009 at 9:39 pm96anne johnson

Now see? When MRF comes around, I get pissed!

Gonna toss Cracka in the blender and use him to coat my fried chicken.
on 05 Aug 2009 at 9:41 pm97anne johnson

Teaneck? LOL! Little girls play hopscotch in the street in Teaneck! Take your bragging inside 8 Mile Road, and see how long you last. Pussy.
on 05 Aug 2009 at 9:41 pm98Benjamin

oh i know what you’re up to anne. you sneaky bitch!
on 05 Aug 2009 at 9:42 pm99anne johnson

Teaneck! Still snickering. Not even Jersey City.
on 05 Aug 2009 at 9:42 pm100anne johnson

Come to Camden, pretty boy!
on 05 Aug 2009 at 9:44 pm101anne johnson

Pussy!
on 05 Aug 2009 at 9:50 pm102Benjamin

hey, my best friend got stabbed in the chest in Teaneck you bitch. he needed almost 12 stitches!
on 05 Aug 2009 at 10:04 pm103Benjamin

haha, i know. Teaneck was not a bad town for Jersey. but there were drive throughs and I did get jumped by Jews and Blacks quite a bit.
on 05 Aug 2009 at 11:15 pm104uppity cracka

you know why minnesota is better than new jersey? because you can drive north, get out of your vehicle at a lake with no one on it, and drink in a natural setting with the nearest law enforcement officer at least 50 miles away. you’d like it anne. the trees are slutty.

fuck off, everyone.

that includes ben!!!!

until next week…unless i die attempting to do a kegstand off the side of a moving pontoon boat. (i know, it’s kind of redneck)
on 05 Aug 2009 at 11:21 pm105Ben

thanks cracka, fuck off you too.
on 05 Aug 2009 at 11:28 pm106The Mop Room Fairy

I am sorry, I got this new iPhone and I don’t know how to work the calendar app.

However, Anne, you know you are always welcome in the mop room of my heart. I can’t get enough of those vulture legs.
on 06 Aug 2009 at 12:06 am107anne johnson

Cracka, you are a numbnuts. If I want to drink in a natural setting, I go to the sports bar during an Eagles game. But I do love me some slutty trees.
on 06 Aug 2009 at 12:10 am108anne johnson

Ben’s friend got stabbed in Teaneck and needed twelve stitches. If he’d have been in Detroit, he’d have needed six pall bearers.

Ben got jumped by blacks and Jews! Why didn’t you join the Klan?
on 06 Aug 2009 at 12:11 am109anne johnson

The iPhone isn’t all you can’t work, MRF.
on 06 Aug 2009 at 12:24 am110Jim

I’ve got an ex girlfriend from Edison/Metuchen. That bitch can fuck you UP!
on 06 Aug 2009 at 12:37 am111Nun Ur Damned Bizness

God,

Please smite Cracka for not telling ben to “shut up”. Also, please smite ben because he won’t SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Amen
on 06 Aug 2009 at 1:25 am112anne johnson

I’ve got a dead great-grandmother in Beaver Creek, Maryland who could fuck ben up.

God, please smite Cracka for drinking in places where there aren’t any waitresses to tip.
on 06 Aug 2009 at 2:25 am113Nun Ur Damned Bizness

OH. MY. HIM. They’re letting Squeaky Fromme go.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/us_manson_follower_ford
on 06 Aug 2009 at 4:29 am114Jim

Yeah–like we don’t have enough of teh crazies out on the streets. I hear California’s gotta release about 44,000 prison inmates. Maybe her man Charlie will be one of ‘em.
on 06 Aug 2009 at 4:35 am115Bei Shen

I wasn’t sure which preposition to use, “shivered in anticipation” or “shivered with anticipation” so I thought it’s best just to leave it out all together.

But you already got the idea all the same.
on 06 Aug 2009 at 4:37 am116Bei Shen

Dear God,

I just saw a Cover Girl ad with Queen Latifah. I was like, what the fuck?

Is the punchline coming anytime soon?
on 06 Aug 2009 at 5:11 am117Bloodvork

I didn’t say I was the ONLY one of my kind. I just said that mating produces no viable offspring. It’s that whole hybrid thing.
on 06 Aug 2009 at 9:40 am118Smoggy Batzrubble

Bloodvork,
I may have asked you this before… but is your trunk menstruating?

Hey neat! Squeaky’s getting out. i wonder if she’ll come to Noo Zillund–we don’t get many celebrities here.
on 06 Aug 2009 at 11:42 am119anne johnson

Let’s all pitch in what we can to buy Squeaky a plane ticket to New Zealand. Smoggy can meet her at the airport.
on 06 Aug 2009 at 11:43 am120anne johnson

Bloodvork, you’re too cute to be a jackass.
on 06 Aug 2009 at 1:28 pm121Yo Yo Ma Ma

TeanecK, New Jersey.

A New Jersey town with a ‘K’ in it!

PURE. COMEDY. GOLD.
on 06 Aug 2009 at 1:31 pm122Yo Yo Ma Ma

“Cover Girl ad with Queen Latifah”

Was it in ‘Manatee Monthly’?
on 06 Aug 2009 at 2:07 pm123Jim

Now THIS was a cat with hopes and dreams!
http://content.clearchannel.com/cc-common/mlib/616/08/616_1249510946.pdf
on 06 Aug 2009 at 3:21 pm124anne johnson

The only safe place in the world is Kansas, and who would want to live there?
on 06 Aug 2009 at 3:34 pm125Jim

Iraq just got safer, Anne. Can’t smoke in public there anymore. I don’t know how they’re gonna light their ’splosives up anymore…
http://www.google.com/hostednews/afp/article/ALeqM5iCYIhY_oSu9nTXZqdFLTz3JZMJVg
on 06 Aug 2009 at 3:49 pm126Benjamin

Jim,

what in the hell is that first link? who is that? that person has got some fucking serious mental problems.

anyway, check this shit out:
http://www.todaysbigthing.com/2009/08/05

it’ll blow your mind.
on 06 Aug 2009 at 3:55 pm127Jim

That was the diary kept by George Sodini, the whackjob that lit up the gym in Pittsburgh the other day. Like God sez, it’s all part of the plan.
on 06 Aug 2009 at 4:02 pm128Josh

Ummm Ben,
That’s a fake. If you can’t tell that you’re more “simple” than I thought.
on 06 Aug 2009 at 4:15 pm129Benjamin

fucking hell man, of course it’s fake.

that doesn’t mean we can’t have a little fun with the people who don’t know any better.
on 06 Aug 2009 at 4:20 pm130Jim

Josh’s next task: debunking Santa Claus.

Bastard!
on 06 Aug 2009 at 5:17 pm131anne johnson

That’s fake? Oh crap! I made a reservation for Teenzilla and her friends on that thing!
on 06 Aug 2009 at 5:37 pm132Benjamin

see Josh? Teenzilla and all her friends could have been dead but now anne has to put up with their shit and raise their kids forever.
on 06 Aug 2009 at 8:10 pm133Smoggy Batzrubble

At least in the land of Americanuses you can just give your toddlers guns to play with. We don’t get to carry small concealed weapons in Noo Zillund.

Of course, I have my own large concealed weapon
on 06 Aug 2009 at 9:07 pm134Jim

God really pulled a fast one on us:
http://www.secularhumanism.org/index.php?section=library&page=haught_29_5
on 06 Aug 2009 at 9:47 pm135Bei Shen

Apple Martini, Mojito, White Russian, Cape Code, Hurricane, Bahama Mama, Mudslide, Miami Vice, Long Island, Margarita …

I tried them while on vacation and learnt I didn’t care too much for them colorful drinks with props. I go back to hard licker and beer.
on 06 Aug 2009 at 9:56 pm136Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Appletinis are fucking good!!
on 06 Aug 2009 at 10:26 pm137Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Wow. The end of an era.

http://movies.msn.com/movies/article.aspx?news=424766&GT1=28101

Check it…

http://stuffgodhates.com/about-2/

Post #33… silly Yo.
on 07 Aug 2009 at 2:24 am138anne johnson

Bei’s the man. Real men drink Jack or Bud, or both.
on 07 Aug 2009 at 2:53 am139Smoggy Batzrubble

Real women drink me.
on 07 Aug 2009 at 12:12 pm140anne johnson

Explains the epidemic of female dehydration in New Zealand.
on 07 Aug 2009 at 1:01 pm141Ben

OH SNAP!

F-F-F-FACE!
on 07 Aug 2009 at 1:25 pm142Naytheist

Dear Lord,

is the song `Master of puppets’, as penned the tribe of heathens that goes by the name Metallica, about you?

“Master of Puppets I’m pulling your strings
Twisting your mind and smashing your dreams
Blinded by me, you can’t see a thing
Just call my name, ’cause I’ll hear you scream”

And when do you decide that people will become crack addicts, is it in utero, or when they are cute little toddlers?
Or do you pick particularly obnoxious souls that really deserve it, when they’re still in Heaven?
on 07 Aug 2009 at 4:17 pm143God

Dear Naytheist,

Yes, the song ‘Master of puppets’ was written specifically for Me, The Lord, by the band Metallica.

I enjoy smashing your dreams and I like hearing you scream.

As to your other query, I can decide at any time to change My Divine Plan. I can decide to make someone a crack addict be they in Heaven, in utero, or adult.
on 07 Aug 2009 at 5:00 pm144anne johnson

Crack addicts in Heaven!

Tree Gods never looked better!
on 07 Aug 2009 at 5:19 pm145Josh

you would think tree gods could stop deforestation. but I guess everyone has limits to their power, except God of course.
on 07 Aug 2009 at 5:23 pm146Yo Yo Ma Ma

Full-frontal gorilla sex.

I’m just saying think about it.

I mean, what would you do for a Klondike Bar?
on 07 Aug 2009 at 9:06 pm147Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Billy Mays was a coke-head.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090807/ap_on_en_tv/us_billy_mays
on 07 Aug 2009 at 9:42 pm148Jim

So it appears that Billie Mays’ seemingly boundless energy was due to cocain abuse. I always assumed it was just a natural high inherited from his quite athletic father, Willie Mays. Seems as if I was wrong, again. As usual.
on 07 Aug 2009 at 10:34 pm149Sander

Full-frontal gorilla sex would be an improvement over my current wife.
on 07 Aug 2009 at 11:18 pm150Nun Ur Damned Bizness

FAAAAAAAAAAAAACE!!!
on 08 Aug 2009 at 2:49 am151Hume Cronyn

Current wife?
on 08 Aug 2009 at 4:48 am152Sander

My last wife before this one was about as good as a gorilla. This one is worse.
on 08 Aug 2009 at 1:25 pm153Yo Yo Ma Ma

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart.

The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
on 08 Aug 2009 at 4:06 pm154Lilith

Funny story, Yo!
on 08 Aug 2009 at 4:36 pm155The L Woman

Test
on 08 Aug 2009 at 5:22 pm156Sander

I just came really hard. Sub-gorilla woman is still better than my hand.
on 08 Aug 2009 at 7:54 pm157Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Maybe you should stop getting married, Sander. You don’t seem to choose your wives very wisely if you end up with gorillas or worse.

I’m going to hook up with a bass player. Mmmmm… Nun loves her some bass players.
on 09 Aug 2009 at 12:02 am158Jim

Stand-up or electric bass, Nun? I need to know…
on 09 Aug 2009 at 2:21 pm159Hume Cronyn

I love Bass ale.
on 09 Aug 2009 at 2:48 pm160Sander

Is this bass player a darkie?
on 09 Aug 2009 at 5:46 pm161Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Electric, Jim. Nun loves nimble and athletic fingers.

And believe it or not, this bass player is not a darkie although I do know of a darkie bass player in the near vicinity but he’s married and one half of a radio team and I actually prefer his other half who is a whitie. I’d so totally fuck them both though.
on 09 Aug 2009 at 7:29 pm162Jim

Conflict isn’t a healthy thing, Nun…
on 10 Aug 2009 at 4:09 am163Warrior in Christ Almighty's Love

So I was reading the bible tonite, trying to save y’all’z souls, and I found this passage rather provocative:

They will spread out their hands in it,
as a swimmer spreads out his hands to swim.
God will bring down their pride
despite the cleverness of their hands.
Isaiah 25:11

Yes, let’s let that simmer, for your hands no not what they do.
on 10 Aug 2009 at 5:27 am164Hume Cronyn

Did you mean know not what they do?
Or perhaps your stupidity shined through?
on 10 Aug 2009 at 11:36 am165Smoggy Batzrubble

@140
That was actually funny Paganannie. You’re in good form. Been getting some?

Has Mr Dicknickname given your hole its annual meatsticking?
on 10 Aug 2009 at 4:47 pm166Hume Cronyn

there’s a disturbing visual - i picture him as
a chimney sweep, covered in anne’s
vagina critters
on 10 Aug 2009 at 4:58 pm167Stupid Git

Thank you God. My life rocks! I’m so pleased you love me more than most anyone else on this miserable planet.

I was an alter boy for six years yet You saved me from molestation.

I flunked high school art and dropped out of college yet You guided me into a successful and lucrative career as an artist.

I’ve broken my own head three times, had an internal organ rupture, been held at gunpoint numerous times, been stranded on an active volcano and played with a kimono dragon (not knowing it was dangerous and yet You’ve protected me from natural selection each time allowing me to live on in Your divine plan and proved Darwin wrong again and again.

Heck, I’m a wretched atheist who loves a black woman and has loads of premarital sex with no intention of ever having children and yet You still bless me again and again.

Everyone expected me to end up a dishwasher at some truckstop selling sex for meth, yet You’ve always seen to it that I live on as an example of just how much hard work, intelligence and praying mean nothing in Your divine plan.
on 10 Aug 2009 at 7:42 pm168Josh

hey warrior,
your name alone is guilty of the sin of blasphemy. Jesus is not the Almighty, nor is he almighty. God the
Lord Jehovah is the one Almighty; the alpha and the omega.

I suggest you read more of that bible of yours; your brains knows not what it reads.
on 10 Aug 2009 at 8:14 pm169Bloodvork

I think you mean Komodo Dragon.

This is a Kimono Dragon.
http://www.brandonsanderson.com/graphics/AmphigoryViewerMail_B86A/kimonoDragon2.jpg
on 10 Aug 2009 at 9:17 pm170Warrior in Christ Almighty's Love

Hey Joshy,
My name is not blasphemous, Jesus was God-Incarnate and Was manifested to show us what love is.

BTW, if you don’t get the ‘warrior’-thang, well, apparently you don’t understand the sign of the times.

AND BTW, to Hume Cronyn:

Posting in ” Bruno “:
comment #71 Hume Cronyn
“Hows about: ‘So you think you can fuck?’ ”

“Hows” is actually spelled “How’s”. Looks like you forgot an apostrophe.
Youre forgiven.
on 10 Aug 2009 at 9:31 pm171Nun Ur Damned Bizness

You listen here, Warrior lady, my hands know EXACTLY what they’re doing and they do it very well, thank you very much.
on 10 Aug 2009 at 9:56 pm172Hume Cronyn

I missed a fucking apostrophe, eh?
I’m not even gonna check.
You, however, are unaware of the
difference between ‘know’
and ‘no.’
Go back to Dr. Phil and People magazine.
You won’t like it here.
on 10 Aug 2009 at 9:58 pm173Benjamin

I like this Warrior person.
on 10 Aug 2009 at 10:36 pm174Bei Shen

I don’t know any darkie who can play a guitar except Jimmy Hendrix.

Well, maybe Prince. But he’s not that dark.
on 15 Aug 2009 at 9:27 pm175Naytheist

*Godless* *communist* *asians* employing *scientists* to confirm the *hopes and dreams* for their children, the sheer level of blasphemy leaves me lost for words:

http://www.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/asiapcf/08/03
/china.dna.children.ability/index.html

God, what smites do you have in mind for them?