Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to experience the very first episode of “Good Lord,” an animated show about My Life.
692 Responses to “Good Lord”
Leave a Reply
-
NETWORK WITH GOD
-
SUBSCRIBE
-
RECENT COMMENTS
CARIDAD on #16 Dick Franing
Naytheist on #61 The Pope
Daily updated photo galleries of erotic nude girls and the hottest nude models. Home to the most beautiful young women and the biggest and best erotic art site on the web. Whether you like photos of young nude teens that are totally shaved, or older wome on #27 Sex and the City
Travis on Ask God
Fuck that trash on #21 Stupid Fucking Gay-Ass Asia
-
-
BLOG STATS
-
CONTACT INFO
TOP DISCIPLES
- CARIDAD (1)
- Naytheist (1)
-
-
SPREAD MY WORD
-
PAGES
DIVINE TAGS
911 Africa America Anal Asia Asshole Atheism Atheist Punk Awesome Barely Legal Bible Bill Gates Blasphemy Bullshit Catholicism Christianity Christmas Damnation Death Dumb Dumblympics Evidence Faith Forgiveness God Hate Heathens Jerks Jesus Christ Jews Ken Ham Losers Love News Obama Politics Pope Prayers Questions Religion Sex Stupid Idiots Swayze Travel WhoresARCHIVES
You rock, God.
Good video, God. I’m speechless.
WELL WORTH THE WAIT!!!!! I’m laughing so hard there are tears running down my cheeks!
A fine, fitting end to the Mercury Retrograde.
LOGIC IS FOR PUSSIES!!!!
i turned the other cheek and they ripped my limbs off!
I love that fucking video! I laughed out loud and almost spit water all over my keyboard. I love the way God flies.
I want some of that juice so I can fly too, God. Awesome!
If God lets me live long enough, I have a birthday at the end of the week… 41… I’m fucking old. Ugh.
Wow. Three more guys laid off and if I want to keep my burro I’ll have to take a reduction in hours. I hope the economy picks up soon.
jesus, nun. you’re sick, aging AND going broke? fuck.
of course, compared to yoyo you’re like an infant.
compared to johnson you’re a picture of spry health.
and compared to ben you’re rich in ways he’ll never know…unless he sucks about a billion dicks.
relatively speaking, you’re blessed!!!
Yeah, this really sucks but I could be ben so you’re right that life isn’t so bad, Cracka.
aw man. i just came here to say that this cartoon is frigging amazing, and already I’m getting bashed.
That cartoon is hilarious. I can’t wait to see more episodes.
Nun, with your awful string of bad luck and bad news, I’m wondering if God isn’t testing you like Job. Do you have his patience? (Job’s I mean, not God’s. We know God has no patience.)
I have no patience. Ask my poor kid.
Dear Awesome Lord,
I apologize to have vanished for several weeks.
But I promiss you that I’m always around.
Well, I miss everybody here.
Hey Nun, I was thinking of you this weekend.
My wife rent X Files (the movie). I hadn’t seen it yet.
It is great!
After watch the movie, I rent the first season. I have a lot of CD’s to watch now.
ben, bashing you is about half of this site’s content. if you were surprised by it…then you’re a real fucktard.
haha, “fucktard”.
i got 20 wry smiles, 11 slight chuckles, 4 hahas and 3 straight up quality laughs. pretty good for 5:52, God. i’d call it a success, but You knew that already…i mean You knew that already if You used omniscient juice. the omnipotent juice looks fun, too.
josh hasn’t weighed in yet. he must be busy regretting his unfortunate racial circumstances.
poor, poor l-woman. she’s going to be deeply disappointed after staring at those CDs for a while waiting for the magic picture to come out of her DVD player. to pass the time she can always floss with her wifey’s sweaty pubes to clean the yeast from her third world teeth.
Fuck Cracka I meant DVD
cracka, damnit, did you categorize how many times you laughed or whatnot during that video? or did you show it to everyone else in the hospital. cuase that would be fucked up.
also what do you think are God’s chances of winning that contest. it’s hilarious but i hope it’s not too fucked up for playboy.
You’re funny as usual!
The new movie, L? I was watching X-Files episodes this weekend and thinking about the new movie and realized that I don’t think Scully is happy once in the new movie. Poor Scully.
Yes, the new movie.
Scully looked sad all the time. It is like she is missing something.
Yeah, probably her kid. Scully was never overly happy but she’d smile on the rare occasion. Scully hasn’t been happy since the 7th season. I forgot how much she cried in the 8th and 9th season… to be expected considering what she was going through but a bummer just the same.
What about Gillian Anderson? Is she married? Who is the lucky girl?
I don’t think Gillian Anderson is lesbo, L but you never know… maybe you’ll get lucky. I believe she’s got a pretty busy personal life though as she has two baby boys under the age of 3.
i broke my laughter down into categories. i used the cracka humor index to rate the depth of each laugh. it’s similar to nun’s sliding scale of solar hatred.
Well, I read on Curve Magazine that she is.
Actually, I heard she is gay a long time ago.
And May edition of Curve Magazine said it too.
ok, i get it. but what about the other question? will Playboy give this it’s due or will it be too fucked up and controversial for them? because as we all know Playboy is beholden to Christian penii.
I’d consider myself a pretty major fan, L and I’ve never heard that she was gay. She is big into gay rights and she’s done a lot of charity work for AIDS and The Trevor Project but I don’t believe she’s gay.
i don’t know shit about the editorial board at playboy. nice pictures, though. i thought the words were limited to, “hobbies: running, tanning, fucking, drinking, sleeping. turn-ons: sense of humor, good with kids, big dick. turn-offs: blogging, bitterness, little dicks.”
depressing magazine.
haha. you got all the turnoffs down pat.
Nun, I have a digital edition which shows some famous lesbians. I want to send it to you but I’m afraid they can see my e-mail
It says closeted lesbians
I know that all lesbians PRAY that Gillian Anderson is one of us. Whether she is or not, I don’t know. She had 2 quick and disastrous marriages when young (that’s where the 2 kids come from, I believe) and is now on her 3rd, longer-lasting marriage. For what that’s worth, I realize.
its funny how quickly this thread on God’s cartoon broke down into discussions of X Files and lesbians and blah blah blah.
yeah, those pesky turnoffs are always getting me shot down. i’m like, “you’re hot. you should take off your clothes at my house.” then she’s like, “do you blog? are you bitter?” me: “yes and yes.” her: “huh…i don’t know…you got a tiny dick?” “hells yeah! it’s miniscule!”
and wouldn’t you believe it NEVER works. not once.
Oh, I see. Now I understand.
So lesbos believe she is gay but actually, she never said a thing about it. OK
Yeah Ben, not everyone is interested in discussing that rag Playboy.
is it funny, ben?
because i think it’s stupid.
Further to #34 and Gillian Anderson, I checked Wikipedia and she has a 15 year old daughter from her first marriage. And now 2 small sons aged 1 and 3 presumably from her third marriage. And actually her third marriage is not legal matrimony, but domestic partnership. But with a guy.
As far as Gillian Anderson’s personal life, we can only know what she wants us to know in regards to what she’ll admit in interviews and such. She is not currently married however and she has three offspring… two of them are very recent additions.
yeah so do I cracka. stupid and sad. God probably worked his ass off on that thing and here are these bitches blabbing on about X Files again.
You know, ben, if you weren’t so stupid you’d realize the difference between Gillian Anderson and The X-Files… one is an actress and one is a fucking television show.
show hasn’t been on for 8 years. what’s to talk about?
gillian anderson. some person none of us know personally. what’s to talk about?
ben shutting up. what’s to talk about?
adult swim should put God’s show on the air right fucking now. its already better than 90% of the shit there now.
Geez, men really hate it when they and their interests are not the unquestioned centre of attention, don’t they?
There’s probably no sense in talking about anything then, Cracka.
Yes, Lilith. Nobody wanted to talk about their precious Playboy so they’re both throwing tantrums.
this blog is suddenly overrun with lesbians…not even the hot kind who are just experimenting with their sexuality. i hope you all get smited.
no, we just don’t understand why every discussion must immediately shift to the same boring shit about gillian anderson and xfiles. that’s not what this site is about. can’t some of that take place on the isgillianandersonadike.wordpress.com site?
for fucks sakes.
Ha, ha, uppity cracka!
You’re such a loser.
wow… one discussion doesn’t equate to “every discussion”, ben. Stop being such a whiny pussy fag.
well its almost every discussion you butch pussy-fister.
ben has the biggest vagina here.
Poor ben, too stupid to tell the lesbians apart. Of course, ben is probably too stupid to even know what a lesbian is.
you know thats not true. YOU have the biggest vagina here from decades of black excavation.
how many tenants staying in your spacious vagina living quarters these days whore? how many Mexicans have you got living in your stinking fish hole?
All I know is that you whine and moan like a fucking bitch. You’ve proven over and over again that not only are you not capable of comprehending what you read but you also like to cry like a fucking girl. You also don’t know when a woman has an orgasm so yes, I’d say you have the biggest vagina here… your whole body is one big, walking vagina.
A lesbian is any woman who isn’t interested in me.
nice comeback. really witty.
i like talking with funny likeminded folk. i’d just like to talk about something else besides gillian. like war with north korea. or how much the seahawks and vikings are gonna suck this year and how awesome the jets will be. that kind of thing.
So, topics that are acceptable to ben are the only topics that should be discussed here? Fucking vagina.
#61 was referring to #59.
Yo’s comment WAS actually witty. the guys here are funny, the women suck at everything. which once again proves that women are not funny. they never were funny, never will be.
ben said: “i like talking with funny likeminded folk.”
Special Olympics, ben.
eh. see? that was approaching the vicinity of funnyhood, but still not funny.
I misread Ben’s remark as “I like talking with furry likeminded folk.” I thought he meant only rodents like him should participate on this site.
it’s impossible, don’t try it. you’ll never be funny, woman.
And yes, Yo Yo’s comment was witty — the first time some guy thought of it a few centuries ago.
hey, pearls of comedy from the past are still better than turds of comedy from the present.
ben is probably sexist. He asserts over and over that women can’t be funny yet seems completely clueless to the fact that he never says anything humorous or entertaining. He thinks he can dictate what is said on this blog but can’t offer anything of value himself. ben is a sad, sad individual.
no, no, no. lileth, it wasn’t a joke back then. see a few centuries ago that woman would have been stoned to death. now, she is merely ostracized from her family for getting raped. much more humorous.
# 68: ” the first time some guy thought of it a few centuries ago.”
I was that guy a few centuries ago.
this fight would be hotter if you two were lesbians.
I’m working up some routines, gonna go on the Borscht Belt this summer with Schecky and Red.
“These two goys walk into a bar. Oi!”
damn it, yoyo. i had to pick between a rape joke (always gold) and a yoyo’s old joke. should have worked that in.
Whenever I get an angry missive from a lesbian, my first though is, “Does she own a gun?”
Cracka, you’ll get your chance, this place runs like clockwork.
Where’s Josh? I need him to critique my humour. If it’s old, it’s gold.
Yes, Josh is suspiciously absent. How can we argue about comedy without his know-it-all input?
Speaking of bad comedy, apparently they’re making a new Three Stooges movie. You men will like that because all men find the Three Stooges inexplicably hilarious, don’t you?
The Three Stooges suck. I am looking forward to the new Ghostbusters flick though.
I wonder if The Three Stooges fits into ben’s criteria of what’s acceptable discussion for God’s Divine Blog.
God’s next animation will involve the Three Stooges as a matter of course — Father, Son and Holy Ghost.
Nyuk, nynuk.
Yo Yo, what’s “nynuk”? The Inuit version of “nyuk”?
DAMNIT, LILITH!!!
that’s exactly the joke i thought of. word for word. are you sure you’re not a dude?
LOL, I saw that after I pressed SUBMIT COMMENT and wondered if anyone would pick up on it.
BTW, ben is the only inuit here.
See, Cracka? Women aren’t as stupid as you think. Nyuk, nyuk!
Cracka, I thought the same thing!
My name is ben, I’m a big fag and a walking vagina. You, woman, are not funny. No woman can be funny. Only man can be funny which precludes me because I’m a big walking twat and not a man at all. Despite that and the fact that my personality is bland and I have no sense of humor, I get to decide what is talked about on God’s Holy Blog. No matter that I’ve been banned before because I have absolutely no clue about anything whatsoever.
Ben does not seem to be rising to any of this bait. I bet he’s scurried back to his little hidey-hole like the rodent he is.
Fuck, just saw the Executive Director, Clinical Director, the Finance Officer and the bookkeeper go into the F/O’s office and close the door. No good will come of this.
fuck, i’m tired. i have to pick up one of those above ground firepit things so i can burn shit in my back yard legally. i should just move to new york where a “bon fire” is when the NYPD piles black corpses into a stolen squad car and torches it. cosmopolitan sophistication at its finest. i’ll bring the marshmallows.
shut up, ben.
the rest of you may fuck off. in a totally non-gay way.
Sorry for the mixed metaphors there.
ben’s like a cockroach, he’ll be back.
Yo,
No, nothing good will come out of that meeting.
Fuck, no. The last time it happened, we lost a receptionist, our mileage rate got cut, and lost part of our insurance package. That was the starter - it’s gonna get worse.
It’s gonna get worse.
#91 - Cracka, move to Maine. You are expected to burn at least a cord of wood to cook the bison carcase you have strung on a truck axle. No fire pits involved!
If a forestry crew shows up to check out the smoke, you are expected to feed them - woods courtesy.
It’s gonna get worse before it gets worse.
I’m probably gonna die. X-Files 3 will come out and I’ll be dead.
Buck up, Nun and Yo Yo! Surely your faith in God gives you hope for the future?!?
Hey, I think I got a quickening!!! Just what every lesbian wants!
If I’m dead, they might as well make X-Files 3 a porno. A bunch of fans would be totally thrilled with that.
see?! now there’s an appropo moment to discuss lesbians, when a lesbian gets a quickening.
what does a lesbo get for a quickening? an new hyman? an bigger labia?
Learn the difference between ‘a’ and ‘an’ and when you use either word, you fucking moron.
No, no, Ben, a quickening gives us a bigger clitoris. It increases our sexual pleasure AND gives us more clitzpah!
Mmmmmmmmmmm, bigger clitoris!
10,000 more nerve endings!!
fuck you nun.
Thank you My children.
I would like to dedicate that video to those among you who have always believed in Me.
Without you, I wouldn’t exist.
Hey God, not only did I get a quickening for comment #100, I think it deserves a Divine Comment of the Day Award too. Howzabout making it a double play?
Just out of completely idle curiosity, ben, what do you want to talk about? Shall we pick God’s Holy Video apart frame by frame, or would you rather do that with a Simpsons episode?
I believe in You, God! I just don’t follow You. Except here, where You’re totally honest about your intentions. I truthfully shed tears over that thing, it was so damned funny.
I thought the role of the Holy Spirit was played with particular verve and nuanced characterization.
Happy now, ben?
You know who talks about sports? Men who aren’t getting laid.
#110 - 113: Pithy comments all, Anne, and I agree with you.
David Duchovny has a thick cock.
I just thought I’d throw that out there so ben can pitch a little hissy fit.
God has dedicated His video to some of us… I wonder if that means He wants to shoot some of our heathen heads off with His Divine Rifle.
Yes, I do want to shoot the heads off the people who don’t believe in Me. AND IT’S A SHOTGUN!!!
Oh yes, I’m sure. He has a long history of playing favourites. And of violence.
Sorry, God. I’m simply a vagina and I get confused by guns unless it’s a metaphor for penis.
I know.
You and Your gun are sexy-hot in that video, God. I like the way Your gun explodes with pleasure once the smiting gets started.
you know, that video was hilarious when i first watched it today God, and now that I’m home and stoned i’m lost in it and appreciating it on a whole other level. is it too early to put a pre-order on the first season?
Good video, Sir.
I totally dreamt I was eating Gillian Anderson’s
pussy last night.
Shut up ben.
that. was. awesome.
I laughed, I cried.
I loved it with all my heart, and want those who disagree to let god Fuck them up! Yay God!
Hey, Hume — me too!
Poor ben probably wouldn’t know how to eat Gillian Anderson’s pussy even if it showed up in one of his dreams.
I like Maebius’ gravatar.
I hope that catmantoad guy and all his different personalities see this video.
God, that was magnificent. A revelation of divine love and power. I have rededicated my life to you, and sacrificed an entire flock of sheep. I hope you can smell the mutton-smoke from their funeral pyre.
Smog
Ahem. If Playboy doesn’t pick Your video as top of the heap, please feel free to smite Hefner and the entire bunch that produce that rag.
why is it that the good fights always happen after i go home?
there was a lot of FACEing that i missed out on.
cracka, don’t leave work.
# 113, Anne said: “You know who talks about sports? Men who aren’t getting laid.”
Notice how I tell people to shut the fuck up when they prattle about sports.
Smoggy, did you sacrifice your sheep with a shotgun?
only the atheists, nun.
if you happen to shoot off any dicks will you put them on ice for me? you never know when my quickenings are going to wear off.
thanks.
i owe you one.
sincerely,
uppity cracka
“Dicks on Ice” - sounds like an ice skating pageant celebrating detectives.
Cracka,
You think I’m obsessed with The X-Files and you’re right but I take comfort in the fact that I’m not one of the fans that noticed Mulder wore a leather jacket in a particular episode instead of his suit. I also never noticed there was a pregnancy book in the x-files office in the 7th season.
As for dicks I shoot off… Cracka, I’m using a shotgun. Even I know you wouldn’t want the splattered remains of whatever penises have the misfortune of getting in the way of my shotgun blasts. Rotten.com is very educational.
Just got the email - Admin/Executive section to meet tomorrow after lunch. Rumor mill is working overtime!
Woe and doom, Yo… that’s what’s coming your way, woe and doom.
We’re laying off the owner’s son today, in addition to all the other guys we already laid off. Anybody who knows anything knows that when the goof-off owner’s son gets laid off, everything is fucked.
luckily for me, people always get sick. it seems they’re too stupid to avoid morbid obesity and chainsmoking. so, i’m good until the second wave of swine flu comes back in november to kill us all.
God,
that was hilarious how You made that abortion doctor believe in You so he could get murdered at Your house on Your day by one of those anti-abortion people that You hate so You could smite the anti-abortion guy with a life sentence…or the death penalty. You are THE Master of Irony.
“when the goof-off owner’s son gets laid off, everything is fucked.”
Wowzer, that IS bad! I withdraw any and all self-pitying comments.
I do the books so I know the business is bleeding money but this particular lay-off tells me the owner is no longer sure he can bring in new money.
I wonder if God would be willing to give my burro and I some animation tips… we’ve been wanting to do a cartoon for awhile and maybe we should actually start. Burro calls me “Dove” so if you ever see some kind of Burro and Dove production, we’ve made it.
I could always get my job on the garbage truck back. $12 an hour and all you could eat.
Hahaha!! I am Triumph, O Scary Nerd.
http://www.milkandcookies.com/link/2536/detail/
AHAHA! Funny!
Didn’t Bobcat Goldthwaite have bit about StarWars nerds? He talked about a StarWars nerd who’d never had sex, who had a cookie jar shaped like a Storm Trooper, or some such.
Goldthwaite said something like “If you ever get kissed, you’ll dump that stupid cookie jar!”
It was funnier when he did it.
Where’s Josh when you need him?
very funny stuff God. just needs music (and a loud click when God hangs up the phone)
it took me a minute to weigh in because I was in Texas; the place where God is loved as much as food. Seriously, people in Texas are fat as fuck. I was in a supermarket and saw a cake made to look like a cheeseburger! WHo the fuck does that? Who makes one food for fatties look like another?
I think Josh is dealing with family. That’s what I’d say if I had any personal knowledge of him… which I don’t. I don’t associate with retarded ching-chongs.
I’m a Star Wars geek… I stand in line for the movies to see it on opening day but I don’t wear a costume to the theater. However, I do have a Vader costume that I’ve worn on occasion. We’re a funny bunch… us Star Wars geeks. I don’t know what’s worse… Star Wars fanboys who bitch and moan about everything or X-Files shippers who only care about Mulder and Scully and their fucking. It’s embarrassing to be a sci-fi geek for many reasons, Yo.
How does the Darth Vader costume compare to wearing a nun’s habit, Nun? I would think they’re both heavy and hot (but not in a good way).
I saw Star Trek and the new Terminator. One was good the other was only worth renting on video.
Nun,
i’m not having family problems. it’s festival submission times for comics, so when I’m back in NY I’m busy editing performance footage and putting together promotional packages. I wish I had an agent and a manager to do this shit for me.
Which was which, Josh?
And what are you doing in Texas (besides staring at pie wagons and overheating)?
Vader costume? Damn, Nun, we were hoping you wore Princess Leia’s gold bikini!
star trek was very good, terminator was a lot of explosions and a weak plot.
well is being texas. there is still a huge statue of George H. Bush at the airport with the wind in his hair and a bible in his hand. it’s still racist. one of my relatives who is not black is about to tell a joke then stops and looks at me and says, “is it ok if I tell a black joke?” oh Texas, how I hate to visit.
Josh,
I didn’t think it was family “problems”. I read your spawn’s blog, dude.
Lilith,
The Vader costume is worse as it has the face plate and helmet which makes it hot and stuffy and very hard to give blowjobs.
Yo,
Only the fanboys like Leia’s gold, metal bikini. The thing really was metal and Carrie Fisher has mentioned that it didn’t move with her body creating embarrassing moments during filming. Naturally, I would have no qualms about wearing said bikini other than it’s metal and sticks to my nipples which I don’t like.
God,
Did You get Your cartoon entered in time for the Playboy contest?
Yes Nun, it sure did. I uploaded it to their site on Sunday well before the 5PM deadline 3 times just for good measure.
On their website they still have the submission form up, so this may mean they are still accepting entries. Or it could mean they are lazy. It’s actually a little bit of both.
God,
did you laugh when the airbus that left Brazil yesterday and was going to France crashed?
Why they still didn’t find the airbus? Are they in the “Lost” island?
Yes L. They are all on the island from Lost.
Silly monkey fuckers thought they could fly.
L, what’s the news about the Airbus? Do you hear more about it than us?
God,
I hope You win. If You don’t then it’s Satan’s conspiracy.
God’s dealing from the bottom of a stacked, marked deck, in a game where only He knows the rules, and can change them at any time.
He will win.
God, did the desperate pleas for help from the doomed Brazilian plane passengers annoy you as you were focussing your valuable time on submitting your cartoon to Playboy?
Not in the slightest.
God’s a righteous dude totally capable of multi-tasking. He can submit His Divine Cartoon while ignoring the pleas of the damned.
161 - I don’t think so Yo Yo.
Nun, that was not a Brazilian plane, it was a French plane.
L,
God took a coffee break from working on His divine cartoon and He caused the plane to go down (or He allowed it to happen. Either way He is responsible)
It is not a plea, I just wanted to know if it was funny to see the plane crashing.
Frenchies fuck monkeys too, L.
It’s true!
Actually they fuck everything.
It was those damned geese, they caused the crash.
They’re also smelly, arrogant, alcoholic and covered with body hair.
It’s a good thing God is a citizen of the US or else He wouldn’t have been able to submit His video to those mortal sinners over there at Playboy.
Err… the French are smelly, yada-yada-yada. Not geese.
So what is Playboy giving as the prize for the winning cartoon?
Mortal cash!! I hope God gives it to me but He’ll probably just eat it.
I think God has a strong entry. The Tree Gods got a preview and decided not to enter what they were working on. Maybe it’s a good thing, because Theirs was full of mermaids with big tits.
Eh, it was an ok adventure. Could have used more shots of Me flying around and chasing atheists with My Holy Shotgun.
Wow. God being modest.
All ass-kissing aside, O Divine One, that was a most excellent video. I especially love how You demand that we let You in and let You love us with that cranky way You do so well. I hope You win. I also hope You give me the cash prize when You win. Remember how much I love You.
I would like to see you aim that Holy Shotgun at some other targets, but atheists were a damn good start.
Can we get back to talking about lesbians now? I kinda like that.
Bei Shen, you’re creepy, man.
Gillian Anderson is not a lesbian but ben is.
Bei. Take a magazine, lock the bathroom door. When you’re through with that, come back here and talk about God’s Divine Video!
Which magazine? Oprah? Wrestler’s FanZine? Pets?
I tried Modern Woodworker and got splinters. Cracka got splinters in his *hands*!
Dog Fancy
Josh, some folks take that a step too far.
http://www.katu.com/news/local/46722207.html
What is this world coming to? It’s not a crime to kill an animal and eat it, yet it’s a crime to make sweet sweet love to one?
Smoggy run!!!!!!!!
You guys joke but you have no idea. When you’re a rather open, accepting and tolerant individual as I am, you will find people telling you things you’d rather not know. The man I’m about to speak of is a father, husband and all around decent guy… he also has a fetish involving dogs. He doesn’t want to fuck a dog but he does want to watch a dog fuck and lick a woman. I’m all for freedom to peruse your fetishes as you see fit but Jesus Christ!
I’ve always thought it would be ironic
if a Muslim pig-fucker could fuck a pig
but not eat it.
Nun,
Don’t be fooled. If that dude wants to watch dogs fuck and watch one lick a women, then he most assuredly wants to fuck a dog. He’s just to scared to tell you….. yet.
hey this guy loved dogs:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RQb2m6VJ-eo
I really don’t think he’d be too afraid to tell me, Josh. He’s a watcher. He’s also addicted to internet porn.
HA!! I love that scene!
It puts the lotion on it’s skin or else it gets the hose again.
PUT THE FUCKIN’ LOTION IN THE BASKET!!
#191 — Hume, I don’t think a Muslim guy could even find a pig. They don’t keep them around in their countries. Remember when the swine flu was in full force, there was a news article that the one and only pig in all of Afghanistan (in a zoo, for God’s sake!) was quarantined. Of course, maybe that’s one busy pig, for all I know.
There are parts of the USA where you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting either a Muslim or a pig.
Just sayin’.
me thinks Jim lives in da dirty south.
where is everyone?
How many can there be?
THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“Logic is for pussies.”
Still laughing about that 14 hours later.
Josh and Cracka are logical pussies who ought to believe in fairies, or elves, or angels, or UFOs, or something besides icky science.
Not even close, Josh, unless southern Nevada counts. The low cost of living in the deep south ain’t enough to have to put up with the ‘gators, humidity, bugs and bigots I ran into down there.
Anne I do believe in elves and unicorns, the ones created by ILM for the big screen.
“my logic is infallible.” - I think I am the only person who likes that movie.
I’m gonna have “Logic is for pussies” put onto a t-shirt.
This is how to get things done.
http://gmy.news.yahoo.com/v/13785623
poor dude frog. he was chilling, living the bachelor life, then some backwards thinking darkies kidnap him and force him to get married so they can get some rain? life is so unfair.
shut up, ben.
Josh said: ““my logic is infallible.” - I think I am the only person who likes that movie.”
What movie is it, Josh? With the mention of elves and unicorns my first thought is Legend with Tim Curry and Tom Cruise when he was relatively sane and had a moderate sized head.
I am strangely attracted to Jim for his opinion of living in the dirty south.
that movie is I, Robot.
the movie and my first statement to Anne are only connected by the fact that they both reply to things Anne said.
I’d say that’s a first, having someone strangely or otherwise attracted to me for my geo-political views, but I’ll take it. No frog weddings though, cuz that’s just wrong.
I like “I, Robot”, Josh so you’re not the only one. I would like to point out that your logic is fallible though as you’re a fucking retard. Retard.
I’m strangely attracted to everybody, Jim. I’m strange.
Hopefully this doesn’t piss God off as I’m providing a link that is requesting money for mere mortals(darkies from Africa at that) and not for God to eat. This also has a reference to Gillian Anderson so ben’s vagina will fall out.
http://www.gilliananderson.ws/news/index.shtml#newsitemEkukVAAkElWPaDmGKY
I doubt that most of you would even care to have a personally autographed photo from Gillian Anderson but the resident lesbians might be interested. This is also a good cause but it is for Africans so please don’t smite me God.
Loved Jesus voice! Nice video, but I’m missing the texts…
Jesus Christ! 10 years old and a masectomy. Why, God? WHY??
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090603/ap_on_re_us/us_breast_cancer_child
But SOME Africans are just too stupid to live:
http://www.ktla.com/news/landing/ktla-egypt-penis,0,5285563.story
Guess he showed ‘em, though.
All Africans are too stupid to live, Jim. I shouldn’t have posted that link… God’s going to smite me for trying to help the evil darkies. God will probably smite Gillian Anderson too. Fuck.
I don’t think it was YOU who posted that link, Nun. I think it was BEN posing as you, trying to get you smited. I think God will believe that and redirect his Smite.
Ben could use a good smiting, you know.
Where is ben?
shut up ben
Just got out of the Admin/Exec meeting. We’ll pay for more of our insurance and have either a wage reduction or unpaid leave days for the next six months.
On the plus side, I scored some pizza as we left the meeting, so my kids won’t go to bed hungry.
Mother fucker!
I do believe you’re right, Lilith. That crafty ben has impersonated me in an evil attempt to get me smited. Damn you, ben! DAMN YOU!! 
That sucks, Yo but I know the boat you sail in.
Heh, it’s a leaky boat, ain’t it?
Indeed, with no sign that it will stop leaking at any point in the near future. Especially when you find out that a project manager your boss hired has managed to piss off the contractors we’ve been working with, making said contractors not want to work with us anymore.
I just got 5 grands knocked off my salary today. That’s 5 grands they said I’m not entitled to anyway but still, it hurts like a sharp stick poking in the eye in the morning.
MOTHER FUCKERS!!
Damn you, employers! DAMN YOU!! 
My little man discovered yesterday that people suck and will fuck you over if given the chance. My heart aches for him because I’m a fucking sap. Damn you, people! DAMN YOU!!
Why are CEO’s who slash jobs so proud of themselves? Instead of bragging about “cutting fat,” they ought to be getting up before their employees and saying, “We did such a lousy job of planning and hiring that we have more people than work. And we are so broke and so dim-witted that we can’t come up with any way to get more work. So our only solution is to send a lot of good people home. I am ashamed and I am sorry.”
What happened to your son, Nun?
Bei, that sucks! R U checking the want adverts?
Unpaid leave days are better than a wage reduction because at least you get some time off in return for your lower salary. What really sucks is working the same amount of hours for lower pay.
He got screwed over by somebody he thought was his friend, Yo. The same old song and dance that everybody has gone through at some point in time because people suck but I don’t particularly care for it happening to my 10 year old child. I told him that through life he will find that people do and say things that don’t necessarily seem nice or friendly but what’s important is to retain your own morals and ethics and remain true to your character.
We got hit with wage reduction and a reduction in hours but I think it’s probably temporary. Our business will probably crumble in a short amount of time.
I think you should take your revenge on your evil employers by pissing away even more time on this website than you already do. Stick it to the Man!
I wish I was pissing away my employer’s time. I’m really just pissing away my own time. DAMN ME!!
I’ll bet God’s really proud of Himself with this all-encompassing economy smite. Look how many of His own followers are fucked.
We shall overcome, people. We shall.
I love Peter, Paul and Mary. I don’t care how much of a geek that makes me.
so i googled playboy into google news and found some interesting stuff:
Playboy names new family friendly CEO:
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB124389982801474425.html
Playboy fucks up royally trying to be Maxim:
http://www.usnews.com/blogs/erbe/2009/06/03/playboy-mix-of-sex-hate-and-politics-demeans-conservative-women.html
God is fucked.
Mr. Johnson is facing a pay cut too … if he can keep his job at all. I didn’t get hip rehab because I couldn’t afford the co-pay. Where the fuck does this end?
At least I get a stud fee when Mr. Johnson plays me.
Tomorrow marks my 2-year anniversary of being kicked to the curb by my employer. I was with them for over 20 years. I hurt my back for them, and all they could think to do is send me home–permanently. Damn EVERYBODY!
Way to smite, God. Way to smite…
DIRTY ROTTEN MOTHER FUCKERS!!
Maybe we should all move in with each other so we all have food and a roof over our heads. Or maybe we should head on down to Costa Rica and find Der Dude’s commune.
All der dude wanted was his commune back?
It really tied the co-op together?
Costa Rica sounds good to me.
I’m down with Costa Rica, as long as I can keep my guns. You know, in case of attack by drug-crazed monkeys.
there’s a looming work smite here, too. so, couple together the facts that my wife works for a non-profit and i’m on the verge of being economically smitten myself and it looks like i might have to switch from jack daniels and microbrews to cheap vodka and coors light…shit, shit, shit.
mrs cracka had a funny one the other day:
“how come you never see a headline like: Anti-Big Bang Theory Activist Stoned to Death By Mob of Angry Scientists”?
hehehe.
Let’s start our own cult (worshipping God, of course - we’re not stupid.) After we get enough money, followers and firepower, we’ll become legit.
As the Church Elders, we’ll get to live in air-conditioned mansions, with hot and cold running maids.
we actually could, except it might be hard getting people to actually follow our God. He’s so angry and ruthless, not very appealing to the modern sucker.
we’ll hide that fact from them until we need to extort a larger ‘tithe’ from them. when we separate them from their families and friends…get them alone and helpless…that’s when the real God shows up.
Dibs on inducting the young women into the ‘mysterys’ of our cult, err, religion.
Ben, everyone else’s employment seems to be in danger, what’s your story? For real.
what’s my story? i just got a promotion and a raise at the dick-sucking factory. i’m now managing the sucking of dicks.
A Manager? That means you went from sucking dicks to kissing ass. Either way, you can get a nasty rash on your lips.
No I still am involved in production. I still suck the same amount of dicks as before, except now I have to manage the whole production process as well on top of kissing asses of my superiors and jerking off clients.
Always smile before you leave the factory for the evening - it’ll reveal any shit stuck in your teeth.
Does your factory give out production awards? “This quarter’s Hoover Citation goes to ben, for meeting quota by 120%.”
Though no comment is necessary, I find it odd that nobody here remembered to celebrate this holiday:
http://estergoldberg.typepad.com/views_from_a_broad/2009/06/today-is-international-whores-day-swear.html
I am ashamed, God.
I don’t know about International Whores’ Day, but that Ester Goldberg is ripping Dame Edna off something fierce. She should be ashamed of herself.
i’m not ashamed. i’m anti-whore. anti-ethnic. anti-foreigner of any kind. anti-woman. anti-liberal. anti-gay. anti-everything that’s not white, male, american, conservative, bigoted and stupid.
Well, uppity cracka, at least you know your own mind, what little there is of it.
Ester Goldberg has been around since 1986! They may look alike…but the Dame and Ester are completely different..and are friends in REAL LIFE..So get a grip..and do your homework.
lilith, maybe if i had more of a mind i could use my imagination to believe is something ridiculous than just run of the mill, boring old angry white man stuff…like, i don’t know, fairies and tree gods or something.
UM…where did david come from and why does he have such a strong opinion about ester and edna? sheesh.
Well, perhaps they were separated at birth and that’s why they look so similar.
Edna and Ester, I mean.
Him damnit!!!
*believe IN something ridiculous rather than…
i am on dumb, o’reilly factor watching halfwit.
Him damnit!
*one, not ON!!!
I have Ester and Edna on my Google Alerts. Just wanted to set the record straight. Thats all. No hidden agendas..LOVE THIS SITE THOUGH!!! Hysterical
I am guessing David is gay, even if he does not want to admit it.
If David’s gay, then he’s all right in my books even if he is a little (*ahem*) touchy on the subject of Edna and Ester.
ester and edna are on his google alerts. i’ll be damned.
Here’s something for you to believe in, Cracka:
http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/oh_no_its_making_well_reasoned
so, lilith, if someone cleans out your bank account, gets your kid hooked on meth, steals your car and burns it on the side of the road you’ll be cool with it as long as they’re gay?
Of course not, eejit. But I’m willing to give a gay brother the benefit of the doubt if the only other thing I know about him is that he’s touchy on a silly subject.
the onion is blocked by our IT dept. i’m sure it’s hilarious, though.
i block out what you say, cognitive dissonance is especially uncomfortable for my kind. lilith, YOU are the idiot, woman!!!
Sorry, didn’t mean to strain yer brain, cracka.
If David is gay then I would like to add him to my harem of gays. In Costa Rica.
Doesn’t any one of you heathen fuckers care that God has plucked David Carradine from his mortal existence? Why, God? WHY???
He died in Thailand. Was he surrounded by gay ladyboys?
Cracka, can you find a free proxy server? It bypasses I/T restrictions and allows you to view The Onion, etc.
I have always really liked David Carradine. I’m actually saddened by this news.
i guess he got sick of walking the earth like caine in kung fu. did he hit himself with the five point palm exploding heart technique?
Yes, R.I.P. David Carradine. I loved him in Kung Fu when I was a kid.
And David Carradine wasn’t all that old, either, just 71 or something. That’s practically just being a kid, right Yo Yo?
Yeah, that was a fun show.
I did not love Kung Fu as my mother watched it every chance she got. I found it infinitely boring. Despite that, he was somebody I watched consistently growing up and I have a fond feeling for him. Seeing him in Kill Bill only reinforced that fond feeling.
What, Lillith? Speak up! Punk kids, always mumbling…
I’m closer to 70 than I am to 40, and get kinda sensitive to “young” folks dying. Kung fu guy did it to himself, so age doesn’t factor in there.
My dad left me in a dump when I was six months old. I don’t know why that story popped into my head this morning but it did so I thought I’d share it with all you heathens. When my mother first told me this story, I laughed… I don’t know why I find it amusing but I do. My mother has never appreciated me finding humor in the situation.
Nun, when you tell me stuff like that, I go home and drink gin out of the cat’s dish.
#290: You mean he just dropped you at a landfill, Nun?
That is fucked up. I thought my mom was bad. She tried to kill me, but she didn’t try very hard. I guess the fairies got in her way.
Nun, don’t drive Yo Yo to cat abuse by drinking all its gin.
Yeah! THis earns me dirty looks from my wife, and the cat!
You see, this is why I don’t tell people I really know about my life. I think things are amusing or have learned to deal with them through whatever means and think nothing of it… it’s just my life. But then I see the horrified looks on those around me. My dad was sick, Yo… mentally and emotionally. Everything that ever happened, happened for a reason and I’m totally cool with that. I suppose the really sad thing is that within 6 months after that, he was out of my life for good and I never saw him again… that probably bothers me more than anything else.
#292 - Yep, in my carseat.
You make me cry, Nun.
Hmmm… I never really thought about it until seeing it written down like this but my dad wasn’t trying to throw me away. He didn’t want me in the car when he smacked my mom around. He came back and got me after an hour or so.
Don’t cry over me, Lilith.
Good thing you were still there when he got back. Or were you? Maybe you’re a changeling, Nun.
Mother fucker!!
I stole a quickening from somebody who needs a bigger dick. Sorry tiny-dick boys.
Hmmm… I wonder if that’s why I can make people catch on fire just by thinking about it, Lilith. None of you heathens would do well to piss me off… just sayin’.
Congrats on your quickening, Nun — a bigger clit for you!!
Well, there’s two ways you can look at it. Either your dad was out to ruin your life, or he endowed you with superpowers and went back to his planet. I choose the latter explanation.
Hey, do we get bigger clits if we quicken? Hot damn! I’m gonna leave 94 comments!
Race you to #400, Anne!!
I don’t want a bigger clit.
My vagina is beautiful just the way it is.
nun’s vagina is not beautiful. it had a tough childhood. you see, the mother vagina abandoned it at a very young age because it was an ugly, runty little thing…sort of like a baby vulture. fugly. well, this depression has caused nun’s vagina to overeat (mostly black dicks) and seriously neglect it’s personal hygeine. so, there you have it.
Him damnit!
hygiene, not hygeine.
i before e except after c and in sounding like a as in neighbor or weigh.
that’s the only thing i learned in school.
My dad was not capable of dealing with reality, Anne. It’s sad but true. My grandmother fucked him up as a child and he never really healed from that. I don’t believe he was out to ruin my life but was just unable to cope with a wife and small child. He kidnapped me once after my mother left him… don’t anybody get sad about that. More than anything, I have much sympathy for my father.
That alien thing would be pretty fucking cool though!
VULTURES ARE NOT FUGLY!
Gosh these new kittens stink. The last one I had didn’t smell bad at all. Mr. Johnson’s gonna have a fit when he comes home from stud service.
My mom was bipolar. From time to time she thought I was an alien, or a robot. She enrolled in a research study at NIMH. Only after she died did I find out that she was in the control group and didn’t get lithium, while her twin sister did. MOTHERFUCKING DOCTORS!
God, please smite psychiatrists.
What the fuck are these “gay ladyboys” you spoke of, Yo Yo Ma Ma? Who do they love? Sounds twisted and confusing if you ask me.
Nun, I heard your story. Sad, man. Very sad. Little girls are angels. Especially the Caucasion type. Can’t fanthom why your dad did what he did.
Sure glad you didn’t grow up weird or anything.
Adding ‘gay’ was redundant.
Here’s a worksafe link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kathoey
That’s fuckin’ funny, Bei.
Bei,
I did grow up weird but I’m totally okay with that. Normal is boring.
And I didn’t mention my dad and his penchant for leaving me with garbage to bum anybody out. I brought up David Carradine, who has apparently taken his own life, to bum people out.
it didn’t work.
i’m filled with glee.
unsurpassed joy, really.
no reason.
I have nightmares about getting kicked in the face by a ladyboy. No matter how you spin it, it still looks like you got beaten up by a girl. That’s why I stay as far as I can away from them.
When I was in Pattaya in 2006 this tour guide asked me if I want to see a show with ladyboys dancing in skimmy bikinis and I was like, “are you shitting me?”
That’s because you’re a heartless bastard with a wooden penis, Cracka. You’re also white. Nobody expects you to care about anybody but yourself.
That’s one of the things that’s great about my mortal life… I’m white when I could be a fuckin’ African or something heinous like that.
that’s true. it is what people expect. i guess there’s no need for me to say anything when you guys already know what i hate, feel indifferent toward or mildly like.
ben, shut up.
You actually like something?
“mildly”
for instance, when my team’s 1 thru 5 hitters combine for 11 hits, 5 walks, 4 home runs, and 11 RBI i tend not to hate them on that particular day.
and has anyone outside of MN noticed that mauer and morneau are freakin’ amazing? probably not.
Man, I would be so embarrassed if I died from auto-erotic asphyxiation. Coincidentally, that’s how that fictional character Mulder is supposed to die. I would be so embarrassed that my corpse would blush which would probably freak out the coroner.
Who are Mauer and Morneau?
My son’s team is in the Tournament of Champions and last night we played a team from a different division… a white trash ghetto division. I thought the parents of my kid’s team were bad but the redneck in the wife-beater calling for their pitcher to hit our kids with the ball takes the cake. If I didn’t want to embarrass my own kid, I would have killed that fuck-head.
I’m not back. Really, I’m not. I didn’t think once about any of you all over the past few weeks. Not once.
Because of the downward spiral of the economy, I’ve taken up a second job as a grave digger in Darfur. It’s good steady work.
Nun - you’re good people in spite of yourself. Believe.
Anne - faeries exist. I’ve known a few.
Josh - I like your comedic YouTube videos. Said.
Bridgette - still fat.
Ben - shush (I’m too polite to say ’shut up’)
Cracka - basically fondue, I know how you like that.
Smoggy - you make me nervous.
Yo - I think I’ve missed you most of all.
To the rest of you all - what a bunch of fags.
‘Night, internuts.
Now that was cool.
Coolest thing ever.
I miss Curtis most of all.
i either got something in my eye or i’m having a feeling.
there, got it! it was just one of those crusty morning eye-boogers…
Heh, thanks, Curtis. We’ve missed you.
Does this mean we’ll have lunchtime smackdowns again? Hurry up, Curtis — the school year’s almost over!!!
Missed you dreadfully.
Cracka, no one believes that crusty booger was in your eye.
No one believes it came from his eye.
Remember playing ‘oneupmanship’ with your friends? Like they’d say “Pick the biggest number!” You’d say “A Gazillion!” and they’d smuggly reply, “A Gazallion and one!”
It’s the same way with jobs: Think of the worst jobs ever: Ben’s or Cracka’s - nothing worse, right?
Wrong. Think of their assistants.
what does an assistant to the head cocksucker do, exactly?
where did the crusty booger come from then?
my assistant cups the balls. his assistant licks the taint.
i see where this is headed. no need to elaborate on what the taint licker’s assistant does.
‘taint necessary.
The crusty morning eye-booger came from Nun’s eye…
OH.
MY.
GOD.
that whore sabotaged me in the night……..evil bitch.
it is a good day; Ben is finally starting to “get it”
my assistant’s assistant’s assistant, Josh, well he cleans out the asshole, if the client wants that. we’re a full service facility.
Ba-Zing!!!!!
you got me Ben.
#330 - Josh is a fag.
And that would have been a whole lot funnier if this was comment #331
I was wondering if we ever make God laugh anymore.
That Air France plane didn’t crash at all. In reality, it was abducted by aliens and that’s why they can’t find any wreckage. Damned aliens!
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090605/ap_on_re_la_am_ca/brazil_plane
Hey Nun, is it your birthday today? Are you old yet?
Not quite yet but it’s very close, Lilith. Now y’all know why I be so damned crazy… I’m a fuckin’ crazy-ass Gemini.
I wanted to say that I hope Anne doesn’t think I was in any way comparing my crazy dad to her crazy mom yesterday. I thought about that afterwards and realized it might have come across that way.
Every zodiac sign has its own unique craziness.
no, i think it’s pretty much standard craziness to believe in astrology. nothing unique about being that stupid.
Damned straight!
i’m a libra! that means i’m free spirited!
i believe my destiny lies in the stars!!!
this frees me from any and all responsibility i may have had.
You’re also stupid, Cracka.
I agree with Lilith, crazy-ass Gemini I may be but I’m glad I’m not a Scorpio. No offense to all you crazy-ass Scorpios.
We Cancers aren’t superstitious.
My actual sign is Pistachio, the Nut.
Cracka’s is Viagra, with penis rising.
Hey, astrology is fun and harmless. Take the sticks out of your ass and lighten up, eh?
Said.
Yeah, Scorpios can be secretive and vengeful. But very sexual.
Ditto for Leos and Geminis… the sexual part anyway.
Lillith, it’s all fun and games, until someone gets hurt or pregnant.
Just don’t start throwing a fit over what you think is appropriate discussion for God’s Holy Blog, Yo and you won’t be a pussy-fag fucktard like ben and Cracka.
Yes, Yo Yo, that’s true unless someone wants to get pregnant. That’s okay.
Josh never has to worry about me confusing him with ben ever again. I never should have confused them in the first place, they’re completely different. One’s retarded and yellow and one’s retarded and white.
LOL!
pussy-fag?
i’m not the one who gets all offended when someone points out that astrology is a crock of shit. it’s not real. harmless? possibly. but whatever good comes from kowtowing to a delusional belief in magical star charts is secondary to the humiliating fact that you’re an IDIOT.
just picking a friday fight.
this is where nun says i’m too stupid to believe in what i can’t see…blah, blah, blah…
can we skip to the part where we insult each other’s genitals?
i’m a capricorn, by the way.
Actually Cracka, anybody who thinks the stars, moon and the whole fucking universe doesn’t have any pull with our mortal bodies is probably not worth discussing anything with. The moon affects the tides but it’s not supposed to affect the blood running through our bodies? Maybe Bridgette was right when she said you don’t believe in anything.
I see no reason to insult the bat you’ve been carrying around. If you ever get a real penis, I’ll insult that.
Here - you two are tired of the insults, I’ll do it for you:
C: Whore! WHORE W.H.O.R.E.!!!
N: I am not a whore! Damn you, Cracka! Get out, and take that shriveled carrot you call a penis with you!
shutup ben
Yo believes in something… the power of a little blue pill.
okay, in your typical woman way, you’re getting all emotional with some straw-man argument. i mean, i don’t have to say anything else. anyone with 2 oz. of piss worth’s of metacognition can plainly see that whatever the fuck that rant was suppose to about is tenuously anecdotal at best. it’s fucking astrology for fuck’s sake.
I believe in the existence of extra-terrestrials.
I have no emotion… Gemini. Idiot.
Him damnit!
i forgot a word again!
what yoyo said!
shut up, ben/
So do I! I also believe they’re thousands of light-years away, don’t know of our existence, and don’t have hyperlight space ships.
I have no idea where they are or whether they visit us or not. All I can do is speculate, which is all anybody can do. I do know that I’ve witnessed something that I cannot explain.
me too. couldn’t explain it. sober. moonlit, clear sky. watched it for 20 minutes. can’t explain it. i have no reason to think it was extra terrestrial any more than i do it was batman. but it was weird.
yoyo, 379-hahaha!!
Cracka, is it that time of the month for you?
no, i’m always like this.
God help your wife, if you have one.
Or your husband.
You know, Cracka, Jesus was a Capricorn too. That makes you, like, star brothers or something.
i should clarify:
i’m always like this on this blog…
i’m not actually a grumpy yellow circle in “real life”.
Geez, I’m trying to keep this fight going but everyone’s buggered off for the day!
i’m star brothers with jeebus?!!!
that’s it. i believe!
we crackers tend to be opportunists.
I bet in real life, you’re the direct opposite to your blog persona, Cracka. Probably a sweet guy who believes in all sorts of stuff. And doesn’t have a unibrow.
(gasp) does the same reasoning apply to ben?
You know, it probably does. In real life, he’s probably Stephen bloody Hawking.
Real life Hume Cronyn = AA leader and all-round pillar of the community.
Real life Yo Yo = young punk still wet behind the ears (and probably other crevices as well).
Real life Nun = timid virginal wallflower who’s just too sweet for words.
Real life Josh = I don’t know. You others will have to help me with this one.
Real life Anne = hard-nosed skeptic and George W. Bush supporter.
Real life Lilith = man crazy. Totally man crazy.
Am I getting close?
Yes!!!!!
Another quickening for me!
How sweet it is!
Fo’ shizzle.
Okay, me and my larger clitoris have to go do some work now at my job. See you later.
real life josh=rudy giuliani
In real life I’m not very timid, nor virginal but I am a bit stand-offish so I guess the “wallflower” part might be a bit apt. For instance, I generally do not associate in real life with other fans of the franchises that I’ve grown to love… Star Wars and X-Files. Some of those fans are fucking weirdos. I met an X-Files fan several years ago who kept going on and on about fan-fiction and “slash”… at the time, I didn’t know what fan-fiction or slash even was. How naive and stupid I was and oh how I wish I had remained that way.
cracka!
that 9-11 is not 9-11 true!!!!!
sometimes when i’m reading nun’s comments i start thinking about something that isn’t the x files…just kind of drift off…it’s nice.
it is funny to hear Nun talk about how the “other fans” are too obsessive then goes on a rant about how she knows every episode by heart.
I went by the dealership to get me one of Ann’s Mercury Retrogrades, but all they had left on the lot was a damned Melange.
I TRY to buy domestic, I really do.
I never said they were “too obsessive”, Josh. Try not to put words in my mouth that I didn’t say, retard. Why don’t you look up X-Files fan-fiction, specifically, “slash” stories. You’ll see what I mean.
I know all the episodes by name and could describe each and every one but I do not follow the actors all over cities and the god damned nation trying to track them down. I’m not unhealthily obsessed with Mulder and Scully and the first time they fucked, when they conceived their child, Mulder’s leather jacket or any of that nonsense. I thought about taking part in an X-Files fan session recently until I discovered that all they wanted to talk about was the first time Mulder and Scully had sex and how many times they’d had sex by a particular episode. That was never and will never be why I watched The X-Files.
my point dear Nun, is that to someone else you are unhealthily obsessed. Everything is a matter of perspective.
have you watched Avatar with your kid? What about Gargoyles?
Any obsession is unhealthy, Josh. My obsession with The X-Files, despite why I’m obsessed, is unhealthy by the very nature that it’s an obsession. My only point is that I cannot relate to a whole lot of my fellow fans. I’m also afraid that they’ve left the fellows at 1013 with the impression that all we care about is how many times Mulder and Scully “do it” and if they ever make another movie it will be some romantic drama that will leave me bitter and vengeful and full of murderous rage. I should probably have more faith in them though.
I’ve watched the complete Avatar series with my kid… Aang kicks ass at the end and I fucking love it. I have not watched Gargoyles with him though.
It bugged me with Leia and Han too. As Cracka so succinctly stated once, love is gross.
#409, Jim, funny! If you can’t get a Mercury, try for a Saturn.
Funny you should mention ’slash’ stories, Nun. I’ve been writing a few, based on all of you people.
Wow, that brought the conversation to a halt, didn’t it?
Nobody is enjoying those visuals, Yo Yo.
Somehow I doubt that you actually looked up the definition of “slash”, Yo. Unless you’ve been writing stories about giving it to Cracka up his tight little butthole.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Slash_fiction
Slash fiction is a genre of fan fiction[1][2] that focuses on the depiction of romantic or sexual relationships between characters of the same sex.
Hah! Remember Nun, I’m a Trekkie and an Internet geek. I’ve even written a few slash stories, I admit, with Kirk/Spock.
Bet that put all y’all’s off your feed for the weekend!
I also wrote a rather cruel Mary Sue story, the Mary Sue was a girl who wouldn’t go out with me, back in college.
I must be fucking ignorant. How is it that somebody who is older than God knows more about fan-fiction than I do? First, it seems that Yo does know what “slash” is and isn’t writing murderous epics about disemboweling us all. Second, I wasn’t even aware of this “Mary Sue” thing. What the fuck!?
I have a very poor view of fan-fiction… am I misguided to be absolutely disgusted by it?
Yo said: “I’ve even written a few slash stories, I admit, with Kirk/Spock.”
I don’t think you should be making fun of me for believing in UFOs anymore, Yo.
Note to Yo… I did see #419 but only after I wrote #421… sorry about that.
And after reading the link I posted… I must be fucking ignorant.
I also wrote some slash involving Uhura and Yeoman Rand…
Yeah, most of it (99.9999999999999999999999%) is crap, a few nuggets here and there.
I must admit, Yo… I’m absolutely shocked.
Seriously, am I misguided to be absolutely disgusted by fan-fiction? It’s not just slash that disgusts me but all of it.
Pigs fed, trays upright, cargo secured. I’m outta here!
Yo Yo, you are obviously a person of hidden depths and talents. What other surprises do you have for us?
(Last comment before I go) No, Nun, I agree with you - fanfic is wrong, I just can’t articulate why…
Yo said: “fanfic is wrong, I just can’t articulate why…”
Well, I could articulate why but whenever I do I come off sounding like a major bitch.
Good job everyone. That was some good, dramatic stuff today. There were tears, laughter, and fanfic discussions. Memorable stuff.
Fanfic is wrong because jerks keep messing up the originals.
Glad we ran you through the full gamut of emotions, Ben.
Or at least, the full gamut of emoticons.
Thank You for this 100 proof spiced rum, Sir.
In Your name, we quaff.
amen
My favorite supporting actor in the video (aside from the dove and Jesus hisownself, of course)is the guy whose t-shirt proudly proclaims him to be an “athiest” because he’s not “stupid”.
Heavenly Father,
Thank You ever so much for smiting the life right out of my foster kitten while I had a 14-year-old house guest that had decided to adopt it. Marvelous are the ways of the Lord God.
ben, I have a second kitten here that is more hardy. Female torty, five weeks old.
Sorry about the kitteh, Anne.
I feed a grey stray across the road. Yesterday, he miraculously turned into a Siamese. Today, still Siamese. Yay, God.
God had a banner day around here. Killed a kitten and put a snapping turtle in my shrubbery. Turtle was the size of a trash can lid.
See what happens when you give the fairies just one little weekend of vacation? Up Your Holy Hole, God!
Feed the cat to the turtle.
recycling and darwinism
all rolled up in one
HEY THERE GOD!!
I know I’m not always a a full-time ass-licker like some of Your other disciples. But in my time I’ve kissed your piles a fair few times, and I’ve been off on missionary duty sticking up for you with the evil atheists over a Pharyngula. (I even told them they needed to come and see your kick-ass movie).
So if it ever got to the point where you wanted to GIVE ME A THEME SONG–my preference would be that great Noo Zillund classic “If it Weren’t for Your Gumboots” by Fred Dagg, (http://de.truveo.com/Fred-Dagg-Gumboots/id/1606624386)
and failing that, “Sheep” by Pink Floyd.
Yours in groveling sycophancy
SMOGGY
PS
If You’d rather just smite me–can I go back to that part of Hell with the nude Scully’s for a while?
SCULLYS
plural
No apostrophe
Quiet today.
Too quiet…
ben, is this what you do for fun?
http://austin.decider.com/articles/lets-pretend-to-get-it-on-how-to-be-a-great-air-se,28667/
how in God’s name do you find these things Yo?
Well, I was one of the judges…
was not.
?? You were there?
Admit it, Yo Yo. You were there. You fucked the air so hard you caused a tornado. You thrust so powerfully you filled 124 balloons. In the afterglow you spawned an entire high pressure system that is currently bringing sunshine to the entire East Coast.
too many “entires” in that one. Must profread.
Yes Anne, you must profread.
My stray kat has morphed from grey to Siamese to invisible this morning. As long as the food disappears, I won’t go as far as to say imaginary. I prefer to think of it as one of God’s minor miracles.
Smoggy and his naked Scullys. You should specify that they be Scully clones, Smog lest God put you in hell with numerous real Scullys who would kick your ass.
Jim - #438,
My favorite besides the Holy Trinity is the head douchebag athiest with the eyebrow. Some would call it a Scully eyebrow and some would call it a Spock eyebrow. I like the way he says “imbecile” and the way he squeals when he sees how hot God is.
Did anybody notice that Jesus might be attracted to Kirk Cameron?
hahaha yeah i saw that Nun. nice background action there.
When will we know how this masterpiece fares in the contest?
Treefucker,
My Divine Cartoon will, of course, win that trifling contest.
The lazy heathens over at Playboy.com just have yet to come to this obvious decision. They are currently wrestling between My Cartoon and another entry which features a farting puppy.
Your Divine Cartoon will win but the heathen bastards over at Playboy might not share that with the rest of the mortal world. They’ll probably tell us some other mortal entry won just to spite You, O Lord. You should smite them all by making all their ballsacs fall off.
Did anybody notice that we weren’t created in God’s Holy image? It seems mortals sport an extra finger. God has no use for stupid pinky fingers.
Josh,
Finally saw Underworld: Rise of the Lycans. LOVE IT!! Man, I sure do love me some Underworld movies.
I’m glad you like it, Nun. Sadly Underworld is not fun for me without Kate. She’s hot with that black, shiny suit on. Yum, yum… Kate can suck all my blood whenever she wants.
I’m interested in learning how that guy in Kill Bill died. Can you help?
Poor Carradine… how embarrassing. For myself, I’ve never been particularly interested in being choked while I achieve orgasm but I know a few who are into that kind of thing… it makes the orgasm more intense.
Saw ol’ Fox Mulder on that red-headed stepchild’s late-night show last night, Nun. He didn’t mention you by name, but he did have a few words about fangirls and boys.
I’ll have to check that out. I’m sure he did have a few things to say, he was recently stalked and tracked down by one who is so proud of doing so… this particular fan has made a career of stalking him for the last few years so I wouldn’t be surprised if he recognized her. I feel bad for Duchovny sometimes… his fans are whack.
I can’t find it online so what did he say, Jim? I can already tell from some things I’ve seen that he discussed his poor child’s penis again. My son would kill me if I talked about his penis in front of millions.
Well, his kid *has* discovered his best friend and playmate at a young age, hasn’t he?
David just mentioned that many of the fans seem to have more knowledge of his character than even HE does, whether it be “real” or not. He didn’t mention any stalkers that I recall, but that late at night, I was drifting in and out of consciousness, so I probably missed some stuff.
#466 — If you’re still conscious at all that late at night, you’re a pussy.
I showed God’s Divine Cartoon to my daughter Train Wreck. She’s very particular: rock snob, David Lynch snob. God passed her high standards for comedy. Glad something does!
#467:
WTF, I’m OLD! Get offa my LAWN, bitch!
i stalked josh once. then i killed him. ching chong dead.
#466 - Please don’t tell me he talked about his son playing with his penis. Jesus.
In regards to the fans knowing more, I’d say that most of them probably do but I think that’s to be expected as Duchovny and Anderson weren’t fans of the show… it was simply their job. A lot of fans were all freaked out that neither Duchovny nor Anderson really remembered the characters had a child together until recently… that kind of thing doesn’t bother me as it was their job, not their obsession. How many of us remember what we did at our job on a certain day several years ago? Not many I’ll bet. I would find it more surprising that Anderson didn’t remember wearing the fat suit.
I’ve never been particularly interested in being choked while I achieve orgasm either. But didn’t the report says he’s alone? If so, how do you choke yourself?
I looked at the web site HE got the Flash files from a couple of posts back but couldn’t find any information I need.
It’s just a morbid curiousity for me. It’s nothing I would consider if you’re asking yourself.
Oh, I don’t mean to single you out for the question. Anyone who can help, I really appreciate it.
you can get choked while you orgasm?! awesome!! i gots to try that!!
Oh, it was worse than that, Nun! He said the kid offered to let DADDY play with it, too! Said he should WANT to! Also, kid said his penis had a brain of it’s own. David asked him what the penis was thinking, and the kid answered “himself”.
In summary, I’d say the kid has a firm grasp on both his penis AND the obvious. He’s off to a good start.
that kid will be just fine.
juuuuuuust fine.
#475 - fucking christ! I’m not a prude but jesus… some things should not be available for public consumption… a small child’s penis should be one of those things. Of course, this is just my opinion. Obviously Duchovny and the mother of his children feel differently as she’s discussed things in a public forum as well. I feel bad for the kids… that shit could be very embarrassing for them.
*Anne is suddenly glad she had female children.*
ben, choking yourself while you orgasm is a GREAT idea! You should try it! And keep trying until you get it right!
cracka, is that how you killed josh?
#477: Said and said again! Why doesn’t he talk about his own penis?
I’ve occasionally daydreamed of choking someone ELSE while having an orgasm, but never myself. Is that so wrong?
lol… that’s not wrong at all, Jim. I daydream about that kind of thing all day long.
Anne,
I’m really not a prude, I think most of you know that but I would not talk about my son’s penis on a fucking talk show and I see nothing wrong with the naked body. Gillian Anderson said once that David Duchovny would never take parenting advice from her… that should go both ways. Frankly, maybe he’d be better off if he did take parenting advice from her.
I wonder if Yo is off writing a slash story involving Cracka and ben.
In my mind, I’m an awesome parent. It’s probably a good thing I never had children, though. That was a choice I made during my own crappy upbringing, and still don’t regret it.
Nun,
Didn’t you think Underworld 3 should have been longer?
I miss this site and you guys, but I’m back to working on my comedy, which means a full uninterrupted hour of no internet writing jokes everyday (which is harder than it sounds) and performing every night I can, all while a little baby tries to kill my dream.
I’m not a prude either, but it drives me crazy when people don’t think of their children as autonomous beings and have some respect for their privacy. Show me a picture of a starlet holding her newborn, and I’ll start projectile vomiting.
josh, would you joke about your baby’s penis in your show? That’s what we’re talking about right now.
my kid’s penis? in what regard?
In regards to him playing with it, Josh. Would you discuss your son playing with his penis if you were on a talk show with a national audience?
I saw the appearance, it’s not as bad as I had envisioned but I still feel bad for the kid.
In regards to Underworld 3, sure it could have been longer but I was a satisfied viewer regardless. I like the backstory on the Lycans. It makes me like the Lycans better than the vampires. Victor is a prick.
can you post the link you guys are talking about?
I guess it depends on the context; I mean if I was a doctor and we were talking about early child behavior then maybe.
Lycans are much better than vampires. You live forever and you get to go out in the sun, and you don’t have to drink blood? Come on now.
i watched the trilogy like 2 weeks ago. i wish someone would have told me the third one is a prequel. i would have watched it first. i like the sexy vampire clothes, though. i liked the movies even though beckinsale can’t start a scene without making her mouth all sexy. “hold on, let me slightly part my lips and pose a little bit. okay, i’m ready.” it gets old. it’s like, “lady, we can tell you’re pretty already. just concentrate on your lines. you’re almost as bad as that angelina jolie broad.”
If you’re a vampire, you like blood. And if you run into Alexander Corvinus before he dies then you get to be a wicked cool vampire who can go out in the sun. Lycans have a tendency to lose access to their brain matter when they change so I see that as a big drawback.
http://www.imdb.com/video/hulu/vi2710503961/
Duchovny is the first guest but it’s the whole episode so you’ll have to jump to his spot. He talks about a wang in his mouth… the joke fell flat and his son’s penis. The Vampire State Building was cute though.
I find Angelina Jolie to not be very pretty at all. I don’t understand the appeal.
I know a crappy (but pretty comic) in NYC who fucked Bill Burr, like 3 years ago when we were all on a show together. I got to get semi-famous and rich (and divorced!)
Kate B is ok looking. He boobs look hard as rocks.
Jolie is pretty hot, when she actually weighs more then 85 lbs. Check out Gia, and even Hackers.
i’m talking about the way jolie always concentrates more on making a “sexy face” than acting. beckinsale’s kind of the same. luckily, her role wasn’t too challenging.
FYI - the current rumor is Hulu will start charging a monthly fee to see their content in the near future.
yeah, when she wasn’t emaciated she was actually appealing. now, she looks like a malnourished alien with disproportionately swollen lips.
and big saggy sloppy mommy tits, which are the best kind.
how many can there be?
Angelina Jolie makes me a little ill… I used to think she was great but not so much anymore. Oh, I’m going to take some time off to raise all these children I’ve adopted… after I make this next movie and the one after that and the one after that and the one after that and the one after that… uh oh… oops, kids are all grown up already. I guess I’ll have to go get some more. In the case of two of those kids, she adopted them as infants but one was adopted as a toddler and she changed his name… his name was probably the only thing he ever really had.
I think Duchovny’s crime is it was not funny. It was a long winded story with no punch line.
I could see myself telling that story, but his story was not only made up, he didn’t write an ending.
there can be…
wow, back for 10 minutes, and there can be only ME!!!!!!!!!!
only one 200 word essay for a quickening!!!
You think that story was made up, Josh? Why?
it just seems fake. He kid says his dad would want to play with his penis because his penis has a brain that thinks about itself? Sounds to me like he tried to write a joke where a kid says something an adult thinks, that just happens to tie in with the theme of his father’s TV show. not buying it.
“the kid says” not “He kid says”
Considering some of the other things he’s mentioned about his son and his most private parts of parts, I don’t think it was made up.
Isn’t David Duchovny a sex addict? Might that have anything to do with his fixation on the penis story?
Yeah but he’s straight, Lilith so you’d think he’d be fixated on vagina stories. For the record, I would so totally fuck David Duchovny, even if I did have to take care of myself. For some reason, I get the feeling that he’d be too busy looking at himself in a mirror during sex to actually stroke a clit.
I love seeing sexy white women shooting big guns. Just love them!
The trouble with talk shows is that people don’t get to think about what they will say before they start spouting off at the mouth. Next thing you know, the show’s over and you’re thinking, “Wow. Did I really say THAT?”
Except if you’re Limbaugh. Then you’re saying, “I kicked ass. Where’s the Vicodin?”
Here ya go, Bei..
http://www.chrisnu.com/s7/index.php?spgmGal=hungry&spgmPic=57&spgmFilters=#pic
A bigger gun for Bei…
http://xfphotos.fredfarm.com/season7/firstpersonshooter/fps230.jpg
Another pic for Bei…
http://www.starz.com/titles/Closure/PublishingImages/straightheads_2007_685×385.jpg
While looking for that I came across this which I hadn’t seen before. I’m sure most of you boys will really like this. Some of you girls too. My first thought was “OH MY!”.
http://videogazette.files.wordpress.com/2007/09/straightheads_poster.jpg
Whores.
Holy fuck… I put white women and guns in the search engine and this is what I got…
http://www.skullgame.com/images/1myadiamond1.jpg
what movie is this one from?
http://xfphotos.fredfarm.com/season7/firstpersonshooter/fps230.jpg
Episode, Josh… First Person Shooter. Good episode… Mulder enters a virtual reality game to off an evil vixen who bests him and Scully has to save his sorry ass.
Hey Bei,
Here’s one with girls and guns!!!
http://tinyurl.com/girlsandguns
Bei is probably rubbing one out to all these pictures we’ve linked.
Hope it’s not the one Josh posted.
If you know Janine Sugawara then it would be wrong to beat her up for being an idiot but it sure would be funny. The dumbass isn’t quite bright enough to realize that crunch berries aren’t real. What a bozo.
http://www.torontosun.com/news/world/2009/06/07/9703261-sun.html
I wonder if Bei is trying to choke himself at this very moment.
Keith Olbermann mentioned that Janine Sugawara story last night–you can’t make this shit up…
No, Nun. I’m at work.
That’s what private stalls in the restrooms are for, Bei.
i thought they were for pooping.
Logic will get you nowhere, Cracka. As you posted in #4 above, it’s for pussies anyway.
Otherwise, supported.
God,
Was this a smite of Tom Brady in which You lost interest halfway through or just an amusing random mortal event for the rest of us mortals to laugh at?
http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/blog/shutdown_corner/post/Tom-Brady-is-good-at-many-things-kayaking-is?urn=nfl,169114
And y’all are ignorant to the many uses of restroom stalls.
Jolie is a shitty actress. Period. I look at Brad Pitt
and think you can almost see the regret etched
into his face.
Duchovny — great on XFiles — is weird for talking about his son’s pecker.
I’m hanging myself right now and bashing my Yoda.
I’m a multi-tasker.
No, Nun–not at all ignorant! I’ve been slapped a time or two for following women into the lady’s room…
“bashing my Yoda”… fucking classic.
I would never slap a man for following me into the lady’s room. Unless he wanted me to.
What if he wanted you to change his diaper?
I saw David Carradine’s last TV acting role last night, a non-speaking role at that. Played a catatonic old geezer in a mental hospital. He was pretty believable; maybe that’s why he was choking his neck and chicken simultaneously? Just a theory…
I do not play role-playing games that include diapers and baby bottles. Sorry, Smog. You pervert.
Being choked is a fairly common fetish, guys. Carradine was in no way by himself in liking that particular thing.
nun is the world’s foremost expert in obvious shit that no one cares about.
oh…and she’s a whore.
Most people care about sexual activity, Cracka. It is only you with your useless oaken penis that does not care.
And I. AM. NOT. A. WHORE!!
Damn you, Cracka! DAMN YOU!! 
I’ll bet Cracka’s oaken penis isn’t very wiggly and not much fun to play with at all. It also doesn’t have a brain. Just like Cracka.
i don’t care so much about what fetish freaks do in bathroom stalls.
MY.PENIS.IS.NOT.USELESS!!!
damn
you
Don’t cry, Cracka. You penis-less freak.
i have a massive…
huge…
it’s big
I think Cracka is Enzyte Bob in disguise.
If Cracka ever had to use a bathroom at a quiet roadside rest area, he’d know a lot more about what can happen in a stall. Ask any number of Congressmen.
bathroom stalls are exclusively for pooping!!!! nothing else!!!
Cracka doesn’t have a functioning penis which is why he is unaware of the many uses of restroom stalls.
Those Enzyte commercials get on my nerves. They also drive my cockatiel completely batty. Constant chirp, chirp, chirp at the highest volume level his little body is capable of. I dream about throttling him at moments like that. Anne has a bird, she understands that feeling.
so, you guys are both crazy, old-lady animal-hoarders?
NO!
I am a good mortal full of much love for God’s precious creatures, O penis-less one. My animals are rescues for God. I’ve only purchased one animal and that’s my tortoise and I think it could be argued that purchasing a tortoise from a pet store is a rescue.
I am crazy though.
.
.
.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20090610/sc_afp/scienceastronomyearthmercurymarsvenus
They can science that up all they want but we know it’s really God playing a game of Divine Billiards.
God,
What in the name of all that is holy and good did You do to my right pinky finger??
hahahahaha!!!! pinky smite!!!! that’ll learn ya, whore!!!
I am not an old lady, and I do not hoard animals.
AND. NUN. IS. NOT. A. WHORE.
DAMN YOU, CRACKA! DAMN YOU! 
Just because I live in a community that has a few legal whorehouses, all my out of town friends accuse me of being a whore. Funny, gang. I’m too old for that shit…
Holy fucking shit!! We hemorrhaged money this last month. It’s like ben’s vagina leaking fluid… it just won’t stop.
Jim is a whore.
ben’s vagina is such a pussy.
shut up, ben.
Sorry, Jim. I got excited for man-whores.
but, but, but………………i don’t have a vagina.
sure, you don’t. just like smoggy doesn’t fuck sheep.
I’m excited too, Nun–all tingly-like.
Don’t lie, ben. It’ll make your labia grow. Nobody wants lips down to their knees.
Me too, Jim. I’m going to go choke myself now.
That’s my Sister…
Your mama’s your sister.
LOL! Chinatown!
Is it true that Curtis was back?
I so miss him and his hairy dimples.
Did he say he missed me?
Jesus, Anne–does that mean Nun’s my mother, or that my sister is dead, too?
Choking yourself while masturbating sucks. All I did was pass out and stab my vagina with my fingernail. Now I’m bitter and angry about the whole thing. I blame Bei. Damn you, Bei. DAMN YOU!
God,
Please smite that little bastard bionic child from the I’m-richer-than-God neighborhood for beaning my son.
Nun - Your pinky is hurting because you have been fingering your anus far too much lately. As to the little bastard bionic rich child, fear not. I already have something special planned for him. Your son will play a pivotal role.
Please note - I have updated the cartoon. It now has more closeups, a couple more sound effects, and a few more dramatic pauses near the end. Also, keep an eye out for another shot that shows Me flying around.
Nun should soak it in cider. Her pinky, that is. That’s what my Dad always told me to do, soak it in cider…
Very cool, God. Best cartoon ever!
And thanks for smiting that asshat that couldn’t spell atheist first, God. I hated him most of all.
Acta est fabula, plaudite. The Director’s Cut is always the best.
I once fell off a roof, my life flashed before my eyes! It was the Director’s Cut.
the longest flash EVER
Sadly, the Director’s Cut was shorter.
Thanks for exposing my anal fingering habits, God. I really appreciate that. I really do.
As to Your Divine Cartoon… great additions, God. At first, I was going to ask You not to go all Spielberg/Lucas on us but the additions You made are amusing. I especially like that second shot of You flying around causing general chaos and mayhem. Your extreme close-ups where you show Your Divine Love and Divine Hate are also welcome additions. Bravo, God, bravo!! I would like You to know that my burro and I love Your Divine Cartoon so much that we quote it.
Now, can You settle a debate… did You add a Scully/Spock eyebrow?
haha…that’s funny Nun. me and a friend have been quoting it too. some of our favorite lines:
“Yeah, that is true.”
“Piss me off, and I’ll fuck you up!”
“Not for you I don’t.”
“logic is for pussies.”
“anyone who believes in God is an im-be-cile!”
Me: JESUS CHRIST!! Are You okay?
Burro: Something about being hurt… whatever.
Me: I can see that. What happened?
Burro: Something about being a pussy… whatever.
Me: MOTHER FUCKERS!
Burro: Something about forgiveness… whatever.
Me: NO! Not again! Jesus! JESUS!!!!
LET ME LOVE YOU!!
I very much like the look on God’s Divine Face when He utters that particular line.
i like the schwarzeneggerian way He delivers the one-liners.
i just coined an unpronouncable word!
No one can deliver one-liners better than DUKE NUKEM. No one.
Is Uma Thurman hot?
uma, oprah. oprah, uma.
any chick who can make kicking ass look that natural has got some sex appeal.
Oprah’s hot?? Jesus.
no. letterman…nevermind.
shut up, ben.
stop begging nun to strap-on for you…gross.
David Letterman is hot in a really odd kind of way. I would so totally fuck him.
Oprah’s hot too, to those of us who appreciate the beauty of a full figure.
oprah’s too stupid to love.
are we devolving or just running out of shit to talk about?
Can we talk about women in prison?
“Are we devolving” — that’s rich, coming from you, uppity cracka!
And Bei Shen, crawl back under your creepy rock.
Women in prison advertise on the local craigslist here. Sounds good to me!
How many of their ads have you answered, Jim?
It sure is quiet around here this time of day.
This is where the difference in time zones really shows up.
So can’t wait around any longer.
I’ll just take my quickening and go.
I thank you. My clitoris thanks you. My girlfriend thanks you. See you all later.
Lilith,
If you’re not careful then you will end up with a penis sized clit. I can’t speak for you but if it was me, I’d be horrified. I like my compact clit that does not try to worm it’s way out of my underclothing.
I answer them all, Lillith–but in your name. Since it’s a commonly held belief that they’re all lesbians anyway, I thought you’d appreciate it…
Okay Jim, that explains a lot of things. You can quit the matchmaking now!
No worries, Nun! We lesbians get so much clitoral stimulation that, for us, quickenings only have a temporary effect before their effects literally “wear off.” Cracka’s overly-quickened penis problems simply resulted from him never getting any action with it to wear the quickenings off again.
Know what you call the white lint-like stuff in panties?
Clitty litter.
Clitty Litter. Hmm….not bad…..not bad at all.
Every pussy needs clitty litter!
Does your clitoris smell like anchovies Lilith?
Nun’s does.
Does your dick smell like sheep, Smoggy?
of course it does, lilith. and it’s nothing to be ashamed of, smoggy. you just hang in there, upside down little buddy.
In case anyone was wondering, yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
♫
“Oh, I am not the sheep corker,
I am the sheep corker’s son.
But I will cork your sheep,
Until the sheep corker comes”
(Also known as Smoggy’s Theme)
So what’s the remuneration like for being an agent of Satan, Yo Yo? Do you get paid in cash money? Sex? Souls?
metamucil.
lilith-605:
hmmm….this theory of yours seems pretty sound. i’ll have to look into this. of course, finding volunteers in a world that hates the white man isn’t so easy. why are “you people” always keeping me down?!!!! damn obama. damn him to heck.
penis!
Cracka, you’re a White American Male. You therefore make lots of money. Use some of it to purchase relief for your quickenings. The mistake you’re making is looking for volunteers. That’s why you never get any.
And Ben, don’t get your furry self all excited there.
If the sheep corker’s son is corking the sheep then I believe it will be the sheep corker’s son that comes. But I know little of the world of sheep fucking so maybe I’m wrong.
And I don’t know what kind of anchovies they have in New Zealand but my clit does not smell like any anchovy I’ve ever smelled. My clit smells remarkable and makes me consider becoming a lesbian every time I smell it.
Mmmm… clitty smell.
WooHoo for Chaz Bono! I wish him only the best!!
Yeah, isn’t that some news, eh? Good luck, Chaz!
sometimes i follow nun’s wordy diatribes and then there’s something at the end that makes it all a waste of time. i almost always regret it. she’s used to eliciting that feeling from men. her clit, after all, is a gay fish…a lesbian anchovy to be precise.
nun, do you like fish sticks?
Lilith - 614:
I get paid in gold Kroner. Soon it will be the universal currency, so stock up.
Occasionally, things get backed up in Hell, and I have to work overtime in one of the pits. Satan provides eyewear and a pitchfork, so I’ve no complaints.
♫
Fish heads,
Fish heads,
Rolly-polly fish heads…
due to some inexplicable motivation, maybe curiosity, i googled chaz bono. and i still don’t give a shit.
God, your video is kick-ass funny. I’m thinking of loving You just for the bloody hell of it.
#625: Supported.
Penis envy. Most women have it, but only
some of them actually do something about it.
She’s really got some balls for going through
with it…
Of course neither of you would care. You’re white males who only care about yourselves and have no compassion for those who live “alternative lifestyles”.
I have a tremendous amount of respect for anybody who has made the decision that Chaz Bono has made. I’m also happy to hear that he has the support of his mother and step-mother and hopefully his brother as well. I sure do love me some Cher.
“He”, Hume. Chaz is a he now.
“She’s really got some balls for going through
with it…”
Well, not yet!
hume made me laugh.
Support Chaz Bono as well. Can’t stand Cher, never could, but that’s beside the point.
I’m sure Chaz has support, but I still think it would be weird if one of my daughters came home one day and said she wanted to change genders. Not much freaks me out, but that would. But I wouldn’t pass judgment or try to talk her out of it.
No, I’m thinking about it. I wouldn’t want Teenzilla to be a male, because as it stands she’s all estrogen and can’t kick my ass.
Hume almost always makes me laugh.
I love Cher. Always have and probably always will. She should have won the Oscar for Mask, not Moonstruck. Eric Stoltz should have won as well and I don’t even remember if he was nominated. Eric Stoltz is pretty fucking hot for a ginger. I’d totally fuck him.
If my son ever attempted to kick my ass he’d be very, very sorry.
cher? seriously? ugh…you like some corny shit, nun.
what’s the x files episode i’m thinking of?
I like Cher too because she’s just so outrageously over the top. Like drag queens. Bigger than life but don’t mess with them because they’ll cut you, bitch.
Post Modern Prometheus, Cracka. Great episode. From what I understand, Cher was sorry she didn’t do it. Cher’s sister was an X-Files fan.
I also like Meat Loaf, Cracka and I’m not talking the main dish. I probably wouldn’t fuck him though.
penis?
You like Meat Loaf, Nun? *Anne hacks up a furball*
I’m trying to train myself not to curse and turn off the radio when I hear certain artists. I have achieved immunity to Billy Joel. I’m still working on Barry Manilow. But I never will be able to stomach Meat Loaf, unless I’m loaded and watching “Rocky Horror” at 2:00 a.m.
#638: Don’t ask us to find it for you, ben. Find it yourself and take better care of it next time.
let’s just stop talking about music while i still have intact for you what little respect a cracka can have for a woman.
its not much, but it’s more than i have for ben.
shut up, ben.
Sorry Ben, I had my tracking dog, ‘Hungy Hound’, search it out. Sadly, he thought it was a puppy treat.
well, follow him around until he shits it out. i know how frustrating it can be to wait for a dog to crap out your dick.
yes, i really do.
“maui wowie” anyone?
On weekends, Ben has a drag queen act in which he portrays Cher.
#643: Did your dog tighten his anal ring and ‘pop’ your prick out of his puckered pooper?
It wasn’t a dog that crapped out cracka’s dick. It was a chipmunk.
he was camel-tongue’n it for a while. there it is! where’d it go? there it is! where’d it go? there it is! i was emotionally spent. it might have been tiny, but it was my penis. the only penis i ever knew…until…THE QUICKENING!!!
646-
tinypenisjokethat’swaybetterthananyonenunhascomeupwithinafullyearFACE!!!
Cracka, you can take your respect and shove it up your bunghole.
I do like Meat Loaf. I also like Rocky Horror and Barry Manilow but I also like Pink Floyd, Ozzy and Pachelbel’s Canon as well. I’m a freak.
Chipmunk Penis smite!
Chipmunks eat acorns. Coincidence? I think not!
respect? in my bunghole? nun’s dirty.
Nun always did like to ram things up your poopchute.
Cracka said: “nun’s dirty.”
Wow. You’re brilliant, Cracka. It only took a year to figure that out.
“nun’s dirty” If only I were twenty years younger and single.
And Black.
let’s see here. 110-20=90.
wow, you’d be just young enough to poop again.
Yo said: “If only I were twenty years younger and single.”
You’d be writing Star Trek slash.
I would fuck Yo before I’d fuck Cracka. I don’t like splinters in my vagina.
Cacka, I’m old enough to poop. When is the problem.
Maybe I’ll write slash story for (or about0 you, Nun.
Don’t pretend you already haven’t, Yo.
Damn~! How’d you- Uh, I mean, what makes you think that, Nun?
cacka, that’s a funny typo.
Haha! Subliminal mind at work? I once emailed a friend where I used to work, and referred to the ’secretart‘.
He and I agreed I wasn’t far from the truth.
Time to go home and apply cream to sooth the pains of the week.
It’s a special cream, called Harvey’s Bristol.
Later, kids.
Muahahahaha
That reminds me of a joke I heard. If 666 is the number of The Beast, what is 665 the number of? The neighbour of The Beast.
And with that I bid you adieu for the weekend.
i think that would be across the street from the beast…duh.
668, neighbor.
I don’t mind having some of Nun’s yum yum myself.
hey cracka, now I’m your neighbor!! teehee.
I like to stick my Willy
In a sheep named Lily
She’s got a woolly rump
It wiggles when we hump
My penis smells of lamb
And cracka’s smells of ham
That’s better than Nun’s clit
Which smells of fishy shit
And Lilith’s clit does too
That’s lesbians for you
And Ben’s prick smells of rat
That’s been licked by a cat
Which brings me back to pussy
Because I’m not too fussy
Where my meatstick goes
I’ve even fucked a nose
But I draw the line at Annie
Because of her big fanny
That’s had those pagan things
Shoved up her anal ring
Which isn’t Yo Yo’s scene
He keeps his anus clean
Which can’t be said of Josh
Who craps on stage for dosh
And then there is my broom
Which is still stuck up Hume
And if I’ve missed you out…
You should be pretty fucking grateful…
WOW Smoggy, you must be, like, the Poet Laureate of New Zealand!!!
Another weekend, another Smoggy poem. Suckish as usual.
Poor Smoggy, always writing about things that he knows nothing about… like a human female’s clit.
Virgin? I’d say gay.
Rectum?
It nearly killed him.
Is no one else just a little bit concerned about Jesus??!!!??
I mean, Christ, it’s been more than three days now. Where the hell is he already? I’m worried about our limbless messiah.
Jesus!! WHERE ARE YOU???
I am the poet laureate of NZ, Lilith.
I’m also the only person in NZ who can read and write.
I’m with you Curtis.
Jesus wouldn’t hurt a fly. He’s ‘armless
ARARARARARARARAR
when i see a kiwi able to successfully tie shoelaces
i’m proud of ‘em
and smoggy can turn on his computer
and use it –
after googling ‘man buggers sheep’
he gets bored, ends up here
JESUS CHRIST!! Are You okay?
Hope he’s not pining for the fjords.
It’s ok y’all. I’m fine and back in Heaven now. It was quite the ordeal getting back here though. Why does My Father always forsake me?
He forsakes you to teach us mortals a lesson. We should forsake our kids and let them suffer like dogs.
Thanks be unto God for this mighty lesson! Teenzilla’s being crucified even as we speak!
To make sure she doesn’t get up after three days, I’m going to use a rock so heavy that even God can’t lift it…. wait. Um. No, forget that one, okay? Not serious. I’m no atheist, no Sir.
What is worse Annie—to be an evil atheist who will burn in hell for eternity, or to be a godless pagan heathen who will burn for eternity in hell?
Wow Jesus–you look way less faggy in your still photos.
I’M NOT GAY!!!
I know you’re not Jesus, you’re just gentle, meek and mild.
(PS: I’ve got this friend named Floyd Rubber I met in prison. He’s a big gay bear biker, 7 foot tall, hugely fat, shaved head, skulls tattooed on his eyelids. He says he’s always wanted to fuck up the son of God. Interested?)
Quickening? Huh?
A quickening is when you get the 100th post, be it 100, 200, 300, 400, etc.
Stuff God Hates?
is this website for real?
do you seriously call yourself a christian? because from what i seem to have learnt from pointless christian studies lessons is the complete opposite to the shit thats posted on this site. And if theres anything this so called God would hate, it would be the terrible messages you display about him!