Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
So I was just caching up on the news of the world, and I see that Sarah Palin has declared war on David Letterman for making a joke about A-Rod raping her daughter. This sparked My Interest so I read every news article on the subject thus far, or 11,832 articles. After extensive research, I came to this conclusion: fuck Sarah Palin!
Sarah Pailin is the vilest spider to ever crawl out of Satan’s filth-encrusted asshole. Her continued existence is a blight on My Beautiful Planet Earth.
Sarah Palin is everything wrong with humanity. First of all, she’s a woman, and as we all know, women are all backstabbing liars. Second, she’s evil. She’s broken every one of My Commandments as well as every sin.
Sarah Palin is greedy, gluttonous, lazy, lustful, envious, vain, and full of wrath. She’s committed murder, adultery, and lied through her teeth her entire life. And she’s frantically trying to take over My beloved nation of America.
I FUCKING HATE SARAH PALIN!
I mean, for fucks sake! She let her own daughter have sex, and get pregnant, before marriage! In the old days you humans would have burned this witch at the stake. Now you let her lead you.
Well, I’ve always hated Sarah Palin. Which is why I made her the parent of a retard. That’s right, she’s the parent of a retard. But do you think this punishment stopped her stupid voice from dribbling out her fat fucking face? NO!
I HATE SARAH PALIN! AND I HATE HER FAMILY TOO! I am going to smite the entire Palin family until they fucking go away!
Todd Palin, the husband, is an asshole. I’m going to smite Todd by having him ski smack into a tree. Todd will go brain dead (even more so) and Sarah will have to pay a Mexican to watch him vegetate.
Track Palin, 20, is a douchebag. I’m going to have him get killed from friendly fire in Iraq.
Bristol Palin, 19, is easy. She could never be raped, because rape implies an unwilling participant in sex; Bristol never saw a cock she wouldn’t take. The best you can do is beat the shit out of her. I will arrange to have Bristol marry an alcoholic hockey player who will beat the shit out of her on a daily basis with his hockey stick.
Willow Palin, 14, named after Todd’s favorite movie, is also quite the little slut. She’s already sucked 3 different dicks in her school. Willow is so insecure, she’d consider herself damn lucky if Alex Rodriguez ever deigned to rape her. Instead, I’m going to have Willow get raped* by one of her mother’s campaign aides.
Piper Palin, 8, is a spoiled little brat. I’m going to smite her by having her accidently set her own kitty cat on fire. After that Piper will quickly get into heroine and embarrass mommy with an overdose at age 12.
Trig Palin, 1, has down syndrome. I actually have no problem with Trig, because he’s retarded, and that would be fucked up of Me to hate a retard, who doesn’t know any better. He’s not responsible, unlike the rest of the Palin children.
I’m not going to even talk about “Trip” Palin, the “son” of Bristol. I don’t recognize children born out of wedlock.
I swear to you now that I, The Almighty Lord your God, shall not rest until the entire Palin clan is either dead or severely smoten.
*I encourage you all to rape Willow Palin should you get the opportunity.
freebiesss on 
TheEvilOverlord on 
God on 
Craig on 
samanta on 
ShunRenHu on 
A most excellent topic, my Lord!
George Burns once said that You brought Tina Turner into this world to remind all the other women how to dance properly in high heel shoes.
I think maybe You brought Sarah Palin into this world to remind all the other women that being cute and spunky doesn’t make up for being a raving idiot…
Your humble servant,
Yony
Praise God from Whom all blessings flow!
this all seems perfectly reasonable to me.
i’m gonna need more rohypnol.
I always knew God hated Sarah Palin because of that whole retarded kid thing but it’s nice to know He’s declared war on Sarah Palin for implying that my beloved David Letterman is a creepy old man. There’s nothing creepy about Letterman!!
Personally, I wish Letterman would rape me and punish me for being such a naughty Nun. I also can’t wait until little son-of-whore, Tripp, turns into a meth-head.
What the fuck is up with the boys’ names in that family anyway… Track, Trig and Tripp. What the fuck?! Piper and Willow are cool names, Bristol… not so much.
God,
Did You get my email?
While you’re at it, God, could you please smite the living fuck outta John McCain for being such a braindead horndog? None of the rest of America would have ever heard of these inbred hillbillies if not for that tool!
I always suspected she was the grandmother of the retard, but if you say different, who am I to disagree…
Why so much attention to Sarah Palin? Is she really that much of a threat to Obama or the Democrat Congressional majority?
Is she any more right wing than Phillis Schlafly or Bay Buchanan? Is it that she is more attractive than your average militant liberal?
Wowzer, God, how much HaterAde did You drink this weekend? Of course, I agree with all Your masterfull and inciteful statements.
I’m hoping pix of Bristol and Track (What a stupid name!) in bed together will surface on the Internets.
God, this post seems over the top, even for you. I would have taken you for a FAN of Sarah Palin because she is a good God-fearing Christian woman who wants to smite Commies. Does that not please you?
John Fagala,
Please remove that giant stick from your butthole.
WRONG LILITH! WRONG!
She is a traitorous cunt who believes in DEMOCRACY! One of the things I hate. She also does not fear Me, nor does she even believe in Me. I ALREADY TOLD YOU SHE LIES AND CAME FROM SATAN’S ANUS!
Hosanna in the Highest!! Could not agree more with you God. Sarah Palin is obnoxious and I look forward to seeing her family suffer.
Your ways are mysterious indeed, oh Lord. (And by “mysterious,” I mean “psycho”).
Those are the douchiest child names in the history of douche.
On the day of Ragnarök, the souls of all the feral wolves slaughtered by Sarah Palin will rise and rape every member of her family.
famularo? that’s a stupid name, too.
sounds like a car name. a tricked out grocery getter.
militant liberal…isn’t that an oxymoron? isn’t the usual insult that the liberals are happy-clappy silly pacifists? better consult the angry, uneducated, atavistic, balding white guy handbook on that one. militantism is more of right wing conspiracy theorist trait. maybe you took a wrong turn at the drudge report and ended up here?
Lilith,
What about God’s post is psycho? What about it could you possibly label as psycho? I’m not being sarcastic, I’m actually curious.
the palin’s climb into their chevy famularo and haul ass down to the dump to shoot rats..burning rubber and a-whoopin’ and a-hollerin’ the whole time…
there’s your car commercial!
Yeah, I shopped the Chevy Famularo at the same time I was looking at that Mercury Retrograde. Decided to keep my truck…
You astonish me, Ben. Surely God’s unjust habit of punishing family members for the sins of a parent (even unto the seventh generation, I believe) reveals him to be sadistically psychotic. Those poor Palin kids can’t help it if their mother’s a simplistic but dangerous wingnut.
Bristol’s a slut and I agree with God that she could never actually be raped by A-Rod. She’d probably spread her legs for the whole Yankee dug-out. That’s the only thing Letterman did wrong… imply that a slut could be raped.
ben isn’t very bright, Lilith.
thas true
Don’t back down from what you were saying Lilith. You had a problem with God saying Willow should get raped, right?
Don’t be fucking stupid.
RAPE WILLOW PALIN ‘09
Yes, I think the families of politicians should be off-limits to invective and abuse. Politicians, no, they are in the public eye and are asking for it. But attacking their families is low.
# 13 — By the way, Bloodvork, nice Heathenish touch in the Ragnarok and wolves reference.
Palin put her family in the public eye, Lilith and her family is doing their very best to keep themselves there… note Bristol’s talk-show rounds and she’s also on the cover of a magazine with that bastard she birthed. Besides, God has the ability to look into one’s private life and see how fucked up and un-Godlike it is which He has obviously done with the Palin family.
If it makes you feel any better, if Willow takes after Bristol it will be impossible to rape her as well.
God,
Thank You for working Your wonderous magic and putting my kid on a team full of winners this year. He was a winner by osmosis and now the team has a trophy so big that it exceeds the height of two players. Woohoo!! I can actually love my kid for a little while.
Congrats Nun! God loves winners.
My kid is one of those shorties that the trophy is taller than. My poor kid, he hates being small for his age. I told him if he wasn’t such a loser, God would love him and make him bigger.
hates fags though.
29 was supposed to directly follow 27…then nun stuck her gigantic whore-ass in the way.
They say that to love another person is to see the face of God. Is that true?
Well, you make a good point, Nun, about how Bristol Palin is seeking media attention. (Up here in Canada, we are mercifully spared seeing much of that). And yes, Sarah Palin did whore her family out during the campaign. But it’s still not right to make rape jokes about a little girl or wish death on a soldier. I’m sorry, but that crosses the line, IMHO. But I understand that God crosses the line all the time because he is, Ben’s defence notwithstanding, psycho.
# 31 — No, Ben, it is not true. I love you but all I see is your little rodenty face.
God is angry and full of Divine Rage. He is not psycho… that’s a mortal affliction.
I see the face of God every time I have an orgasm. Does that count?
Nun, po-ta-to, po-tah-to.
comment # 36 applies both to # 34 and # 35.
I don’t know, Lilith… I think there’s a big difference between rage and psychosis. I never let my rage get in my psychosis and vice versa.
It was Willow’s own sweet Dad that first mentioned rape–it wasn’t Letterman.
#38 — Nun, I’m using the term “psycho” colloquially, not clinically. I think we’re BOTH right.
Bristol’s a slut and has made the publicity rounds talking about how slutty she is and how nobody should be as slutty as she. I think it should be common knowledge that Letterman was talking about her and her slutty vagina. Leave it to the Palin’s to be too stupid to figure that out. Truthfully, they’re just looking for any way to stay relevant. Letterman mentioning them is probably the best thing that could have happened to them and the worst thing for intelligent humanity. Come to think of it, THANKS A LOT, LETTERMAN!!
I’d still fuck him though.
The Westboro fuckheads protested at my burro’s church this weekend. I was going to kill them but I smoked too much chiba, got too involved watching X-Files and playing Sims and completely forgot about my plans to kill, kill, kill. Now I’m kind of bummed.
wow, are they just as stupid looking in real life?
i didn’t pay attention to this letterman-palin fiasco. what exactly is it all about?
wow cracka, that story will change your whole perspective on this post:
http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/tv/2009/06/15/2009-06-15_fire_david_letterman_campaign_takes_root_protest_planned_over_comment_on_sarah_p.html
I bought a Famularo at the Agway. They’re the only creature known to eat cockroaches.
The Tree Gods have their own action plan for the Palin clan, involving reincarnation as various loathsome species of insect life.
that plan sucks anne.
it is a stupid plan. that’s why the tree gods only have hygienically challenged gaming nerds for followers.
cracka did you get caught up on the Letterman story? Sarah Palin is milking that shit for all its worth
God’s shaking up an industrial-sized can of Whup-Ass© for the Palins.
do they sell industrial-sized whup-ass at sam’s club? costco?
#48: Yeah, that plan does suck, but you and cracka are already alive, so they can’t be reincarnated as you.
Nun smoked some famularo last weekend, then watched The X-Files and played Sims until she forgot to to kill, kill, kill.
I saw some Whup-Ass at the hardware store, right next to the Kick-Butt. I’ve used them both, and I think Whup-Ass is the superior product.
Cracka, you can get the Whup-Ass at Sam’s, but you have to provide ID and sign for it.
Anne, 4 out of 5 people agree with you.
Note: Beware of ‘Kick-Ass’; it’s a Chinese knockoff of the originals.
YES! Yo-Yo comedy hour is back. I love these times, but we’re missing Josh’s ‘industry insider’ commentary.
i’ll try to fill in for josh:
yoyo-fake opinion survey jokes haven’t been funny since the kids in the hall “40 helen’s agree sketch”.
how’s that?
Well done, lads!
Reminds me of ‘45, back in the Raj.
Tubby McCue, Col. Smythe-Hampton and I were larking with the lads in the Ghanges when the Brigader-General’s wife appeared on the riverbank…being a gentleman, I’ll say no more. Limber bird, she was.
Cracka’s a killjoy, ben’s a buttroy. That’ll be two cents, please.
And Yo Yo. Please stop writing like Smoggy. One supercilious Brit wanna be is enough around here.
Sorry, anne. Cracka was filling in for Josh, so I had to step in for Smoggy.
I’m not into sheep, so had to another route.
I sure wish I knew why God blessed me with a testosterone driven brat as a child. I sure would be happy if the principal would stop calling me because of said brat’s bad behavior. Honestly, I don’t know what the fuck to do anymore. Fuck!
What now?
so now that he’s a winner he’s already hooked on drugs and beating up women?
I’m not a Brit wannabe paganannie. We noo zillunders hate the Brits as much as God hates the Palins. The Brits used all our young men as cannon fodder and then stopped buying our executed sheep the moment they were allowed to join the EU and lick French bottoms and suck German wieners.
It is true, I am supercilious. It may also be true that the Palin women are the only ones in the world with hungrier cunts than nun’s.
Lilith got squeamish–you can tell she’s pretty new, God’s wrath can still make her turn into a good person with a conscience. There’s no place for a conscience and human sympathy in the kingdom of the lord.
Testosterone — the only thing milder and gentler than estrogen.
I know you’re not a Brit wannabe, Smoggy. And thanks for lurking while jerking.
Smoggy, I agree that there’s no place for a conscience and human sympathy in the kingdom of the lord. That’s why I left it many years ago.
And don’t feel bad about them calling you a Brit wannabe. At least they didn’t call you an Australian wannabe.
#66: Time is on your side, Nun. School will be out soon. Trust me, every angel turns into a brat during the last week of school. Except Teenzilla, who has finally decided she ought to do something about her grades. Mmmmm hmmmm.
No, time is not on my side. He always has issues like this. He’s just gotten to the age where I’m at a loss as to what to do about it. Nothing I do seems to work. Obviously I should have killed him when he was younger and easier to throttle.
hmmm…how to get through to a child once they’ve gone past the point of no return….have you tried smother loving the evil out of him?
or how about smoking weed with him? he might respect you then, and be able to provide a new host of primo connections.
So God, it’s wrong for me to call her a MILF?
I may be a piss-poor mother, ben but I sure the hell am not exposing my 10 year old to chiba. I’ll wait till he’s 12.
Probably a wise decision, Nun. Ritalin works better on the young’uns.
Letterman is a pussy. I didn’t hear him make ONE joke about Obama.
Raping is very wrong. Joking about it is moderately wrong.
shutup, bei
Christian the Jew,
It’s not wrong for you to call her a MILF.
I hate her with a passion, but if her big round GOP arse was stripped and ready I’d slip my meatstick in her holes. I’d have ass-to-mouthed her while she was saying ‘I can still see Alaska.’ Meatsticks have no conscience, particularly not when it comes to politics. I’ve no doubt that Wild Bill would have ejaculated all over the trouser suit of a republican intern had the opportunity presented itself.
Dear Sister Lilith,
There are few things worse to a Noo Zillunder than being mistaken for an Oztralian. While we may be a nation of sheep rooters, we at least only root our sheep while they are alive. Aussies have no morals, no class and all their ancestors are convicts transported for molesting defenceless domestic pets. It is true that many noo zillunders have emigrated to Australia, but that is in the deluded idea that they have a better lifestyle and they earn more. The best that can be said of NZ emigrants to Australia is that they raise the average IQ of both countries.
Oh yes, Smoggy, I know that Noo Zillunders (as you say) are a proud, if perverted, people. More power to you!
No one mistakes you for an Aussie, Smoggy, although some people here persist in thinking you are human.
I asked Smoggy if he was shearing his sheep, he got mad and said, “I’m not shearin’ my sheep with anybody!”
Q: What is the difference between a Rolling Stone and a Scotsman?
A: The Rolling Stone says, “Hey, you! Get off of my cloud.”
The Scotsman says, “Hey, McLeod! Get off of my ewe!”
Off to a good start this morning, are we Yo Yo?
Where’s Josh? I need a close reading of my humourous offerings, and critical analysis of same.
I love “what is the difference jokes.” My favorite: What’s the difference between a beauty pageant and a circus?
A circus is a cunning array of stunts.
he’s busy cashing in on his racial shortcomings. he’ll be back when some honky agent steals all of his money. i bet he’ll be pissed about it too…at least we won’t have to listen to him ramble on about “gentrification”…ugh.
Trust me, Yo. You do NOT want a close reading of your offerings, especially from Josh. You don’t even want a passing glance from Josh. You’d better pray that Josh had a gig in Kansas City last night and is staying in a hotel without wireless.
How is listening to Josh ramble about gentrification different from hearing your wishful thinking about Nun’s glory hole, cracka?
“glory hole”?
Irony?
Sarcasm?
Please defend, using examples.
Hi Anne;
I’ll get the close reading, whether I want it or not, sigh.
What do the Women’s Track Team and a tribe of Pygmies have in common?
One’s a bunch of cunning runts…
Your jokes suck, Yo. There’s an analysis for you.
God doesn’t make spelling errors because He’s God. If He spells something in a way other than us mortals, it’s obvious that we’ve mispelled the word. Despite all that, I hope God proofreads His Divine Post soon.
I’m also sick of looking at this family. They’re not pretty. They’re hyprocritical and ugly. And Piper looks fucking evil in this picture. Piper Palin… I wonder how many of her classmates call her peepee.
johnson-91
what’s the difference?
well…
one’s about gentrification and one’s about a vagina that smells like bedpan and moans like a mental patient after shock treatment.
it also moos and chews cud.
and if it turns itself inside out…it looks the same.
it also has a little saying,
‘there can be…’
ONLY ONE!!!!!!!!!!!
Stupid Cracka so unfamiliar with female anatomy that he can’t even come up with good insults.
And now his cock’s so big it could be the mast on a three-rigged schooner.
Well! I finally finished the 7th draft of a screenplay about assisted suicide!
Yeah, Brad Pitt’s really gonna want to be in this! Fuck it. I’m tired of being a writer. I think I’ll go teach high school instead. ANYTHING is easier than being a writer!
My son is a basher full of testosterone and anger. I blame his father cuz he’s black and full of black anger.
mmmmmmmm…i don’t know, nun. i think i’ve had some good ones. i’d go about 20% for a success rate.
way to go, johnson. writing is hard. i hate words. try being a whore like nun. all you need is a vagina. do you have a vagina?
“glory hole” - isn’t that what ben calls his cubicle?
Of course he does. He’s a world renowned author of slash.
[*slaps forehead*] Of course he is! How soon we forget!
Speaking of slash, I finally saw the new Star Trek movie on the weekend. My, my, that Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto are some kind of yum! Seriously though, great casting on everybody but Checkov. I thought he was too pimply and nerdy.
The original Checkov was pimply and nerdy. Just like cracka, who wouldn’t be able to pick a vagina out of a lineup of female organs.
I don’t think the original Checkov was pimply and nerdy (Cracka, that’s another matter). The original Checkov was cool and had a Beatles haircut. Groovy, man! I was about 11 or 12 and I had a crush on him.
Cracka: What’s the problem, ma’am?
Patient: My vagina is sore.
Cracka: Okay, let’s have a look. Open wide and say, “Aaaahhhh.” Nope! Your vagina looks fine to me, ma’am.
In the Checkov era, I already was crushing on Clint Eastwood. The man has never let me down. Even Train Wreck — who hates everything I like — had to admit that “High Plains Drifter” was a great flick.
Did you see his latest movie, Gran Torino? Does he still make your motor purr? (I’m speaking to Anne, but Cracka, Ben and Yo Yo can answer if they want. Josh too. Even Smoggy, if he can tear himself away from the sheep long enough).
haha! you’re old!
I have a certain maturity level, yes.
I’m a “mid-level Boomer.” I’d say a “mid-stream Boomer” but that sounds too much like a urine sample.
I’m a Gen Xer and I too thought Walter Koenig was a cutie as Checkov so Cracka should shut his stupid pie-hole!
Anton Yelchin is the new Checkov and I thought he was too young for the role as well. He is a talented young man though… anybody see Alpha Dog? I wanted to smack him around in that… run away you dumbass!
that “certain level” of maturity just hasn’t allowed you to ascertain the nonexistence of godesses yet?
once again, nun, no one cares about your whore urges.
Yes, Cracka… you are “no one”. Everybody else with a healthy sex drive and a normal penis are very much interested in any urges I may have.
Once Cracka’s penis reaches a certain level of maturity, it will work. Maybe if he believed in the Goddess, it would work faster.
sure they are, nun. maybe they’re only interested because it’s free and easy. it’s like this:
sometimes people get hungry. “hey, look, some easy mac. guess i’ll eat that.” then, after they’ve eaten, they wish they would have gone out for something worth their time and money.
When you talk about vaginas like you know what you’re talking about, you’re only fooling yourself, Cracka. Nobody here is stupid enough to think you’re knowledgeable. Except ben.
In keeping with the topic at hand and to further add to Anne’s and Nun’s disbelief of our knowledge of vaginas, here’s a question to ponder.
Q: What’s the difference between Sarah Palin’s mouth and her vagina?
A: ONLY ONE retarded thing has come out of her vagina.
Well *I* liked it, anyway, but then I’m old…
hehe-
you notice how the other penises disappeared after i picked a fight with three women? old women, i mean.
oh, there’s jim.
jim! help! i’m outnumbered by three senile old ladies!
Too late, Cracka. You implied that Jim had no penis because you are too stupid to realize that the wooden monstrosity you carry around is not a real penis. Real penises are made of flesh and blood you fucking moron.
And just to clarify for Jim, I know there are men who are very educated about vaginas… I love to have sexual relations with men like that. Cracka is not one of those men. Sadly, I don’t think Bei is either.
Jim! Help! He’s unmembered by three fabulous females!
When it comes to vaginas, a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.
Damn. They’re whipper-snappers compared to me. Except for Lillith, who plays for the other team. I’d say it’s about even. As Al Bundy sez, “Let’s rock…”
Dangerous?! Ther’s nothing dangerous about a man who knows how to find his around the land of vajayjay.
Mother fucker!!
I got all excited and completely fucked up my sentence.
Notice I said “a little knowledge.” That means a man who thinks he knows a lot about vj but actually knows more about Jeff Gordon’s pit crew.
is that some sort of nascar reference? jesus, johnson, that’s a low blow…even coming from you, you gullible treefucker.
I didn’t notice that, Anne. I was too busy day-dreaming about men who have a lot of knowledge.
You’re absolutely right about the men with “a little knowledge”. Those are the men that won’t take direction and they can’t even tell if you had an orgasm… men like ben.
Brett Favre has a vagina.
“this feels more like an invasive medical procedure than sex. ow. ow. stop it.”
“shut up! i know what i’m doing! i am a master lover!!!”
brett favre is about to be my quarterback. shit. shit, shit, shit. as if the vikings’ history isn’t filled with enough false hope and devastating disappointment. shit, shit, shit.
Hi everyone, I’m back from lunch now. Cracka, you’re an eejit. Men who can’t be bothered to learn the mysterious ways of the vajayjay shouldn’t be surprised when their women move on to better lovers. Bet that’s happened to you a lot, Cracka. Maybe you too, Jim. I’m not even too sure who you are but if you’re allied with Cracka, you’re an eejit too.
Speaking of ben and Josh where are they?
Not (shudder) ‘together’??
I like Jim. He doesn’t deserve a comparison to the I-know-nothing-about-vaginas Cracka.
Ben’s not here? I didn’t notice.
Okay Nun, your word is good enough for me.
But what’s Jim’s story? He’s not a bigot, or old, or a comedian, or even an intern at the cock-sucking factory.
Maybe you should write some Ben/Josh slash, Yo Yo. Yeah, that’d be good!
ben’s probably been trying to get some action going with Bloodvork but Bloodvork is very knowledgeable about pussies and ben’s lack of dick-sucking skills. Poor Bloodvork.
I have no alliances. I live in the desert. Alone. Like Snoopy’s brother, Spike. Life is good. Except for when it sucks.
But yes, Jim is cool.
Yes, Jim, who are you? Who’s the REAL you?
Poor Yo… too old to pay attention. Jim says he’s a geezer like you.
Jim is really Bob Denver… tv’s beloved Gilligan.
No, Yo–I AM old. Old as fuck! Retired old. Not yet doddering fool old, but probably old enough to be Lillith’s brother. Or Nun’s cool youthful uncle.
You mean Jim took a 30 minute tour in the desert and got marooned?
Or was it a 3 hour tour? Can’t remember the opening song. Getting too old, I guess.
So Jim, it sounds like you’re a front-end boomer! Great!
“Maybe you should write some Ben/Josh slash, Yo Yo.”
Hmmm, let’s rough it out: Scene opens on a stage at a comedy club, before hours. Josh is instructing ben on how to act, use his body as part of his act. Their eyes meet…
Let’s drop the curtain, as Lillith has just got back from lunch.
Wait–what? Isn’t Bob Denver DEAD?
Still, better than Enzyte Bob, I suppose.
It was a three hour tour but the tiny ship was tossed. I blame that whore, Ginger.
Jim’s older’n me! Huzzah!
what made you infer that i don’t understand the ways of the vagina? have you not read my epic case study on the matter: ‘nun’s vagina—run!’? it’s very insightful…well, insightful for a white, male, american, vitriolic, hateful, bigoted, angry, violent, condescending, mysoginistic asshole.
Bob Denver is NOT dead. Is he? Jeez, if he’s really dead I’m going to be bummed.
wow, i missed some comments betweens posts there. didn’t realize how out of context i was going to be.
Why didn’t they kill Gilligan (the ben of the island)? They’d have been home in time for drinks!
OH MY GOD!! Bob Denver IS dead. Oh, woe is me.
#163 — Well, “to thine own self be true,” Cracka. I had not expected such personal insight from you, sir.
Isn’t everyone who was on Gilligan’s Island dead now, with the possible exception of Maryanne?
i don’t think lilith understands that the interwebs are just pretend. lilith, my name is not really “uppity cracka”. (it’s just a character)
Wowzer, I missed Bob Denver’s passing, too!
See? You were comparing me to a rotting corpse!
This place is getting dangerously close to feel-good touchy-feely shit.
But it’s better’n talking about the Palins.
Was Mary Anne (Dawn Wells) gay?
# 170 — Yes, I get it, Cracka.
I’m thinking of Ginger/Maryann slash, or Gilligan/Skipper…
Dawn Wells is not dead, as far as I know. Tina Louise is not dead, as far as I know. Russell Johnson is not dead, as far as I know. But I don’t know shit because Gilligan was fucking dead and I didn’t even fucking know it! I’m fucking sad now.
Their careers, sadly, died long ago.
Quick — to the Wikipedia, Batman!
Whew… Maryann, Ginger and the Professor are all alive and well. Thank God.
Dawn Wells is a pothead. I adore her.
I was always kinda hot for Ginger.
I once read a great story in Nat’l Lampoon, the Professor killed off the other men and survived just fine on the island with his harem.
I always had a crush on the Professor. Smart is sexy.
Wikipedia says that the actress who played Lovey Howell died a multimillionaire and reportedly left her entire estate to Dawn Wells. Or to her dogs, one of the two.
Thank the Goddess we’ve stopped yakking about those horrible Palins and are now talking about the true Royalty of America, the Gilligan’s Island bunch.
Speaking of pop culture… I wonder who killed Bob Crane?
And what say you all? I feel it is wrong to stalk the children of those in the entertainment industry. Is this something that anybody here finds acceptable and if so, why?
# 186 — Jim, do you say that like Richard Nixon, all shakey jowls and stuff?
Jim is nothing like Bob Denver as he’s not dead… yet. Hume can be compared to dead Bob but not Jim. Jim is really Gene Hackman. My mom loves you, Jim.
I think Bob Crane is still alive, like Elvis. Bob Crane has simply assumed the perverted persona of Hume Cronyn. And yes, Cracka, I know he’s not real.
You know, Lilith, reading that wikipedia article and based on Dawn Wells’ refusing to comment, I’d say she got that money.
Yes, I hope she did.
Hackman’s almost as old as my own father, who is, not surprisingly, dead. So I’ve got that going for me, at least.
I hope so too. I hope somebody dies and leaves me a lot of money.
How much money do you have, Jim?
Enough to last the rest of my life, if I die by next Tuesday…
The fundamentals of my economy is strong.
If Cracka’s going to get another quickening, he better get his sorry ass in here ASAP!
Otherwise it’s up for grabs!
My turn.
So let’s roll!
ONE!
Hee hee! You’ve got to move faster than that, old man!
Fuck.
And with my newly quickened clitoris, yes I will.
I blame it on my lack of decent broadband.
It’s a poor workman who blames his tools, Jim.
Then it’s my Canadian ancestor’s fault. We’re ALL products of our ancestry…
Oh no, your Canadian ancestry represents the best part of you. It’s those other inbreds in your family tree who are your problem.
So it looks like everybody else has buggered off except us, Jim.
Jim? . . . Jim?
Okay, fine, BE a sore loser. See you later.
Wuz outside prepping the RV for a little trip tomorrow. Honouring my inbred side by attending a Bluegrass festival…
She’s a lesbian, Jim. That means she has no experience with men and the amount of patience one needs to have to deal with said men. That’s why I fuck men and then tell them to get the fuck out of my house before I call the police. Since I fuck a lot of black men, it works really, really well.
Alas, Nun, I am not a “Gold Star Lesbian.” I do in fact have experience with men. But you’re right, I have no patience with the bastards.
And Jim, enjoy your bluegrass festival. I wish I was retired and could take off in the middle of the week to go do something fun.
Nun, I would be honored. I haven’t been told to get the fuck out for a long time. WAY too Caucasian for you though, I’m afraid.
And old. Did I mention I’m OLD?
I fuck all colors, Jim. You only need a gigantic cock to get between my legs. It is only because most whities have tiny penises that makes me fuck so many darkies.
I care nothing about age, Jim. Only gigantic penises.
Even when I was still working, I took time off to attend music festivals. I was a government employee–what could they do? Fire me?
I’m doomed.
Get a pump or something.
Or maybe a quickening or two. Lilith says if it gets action it will rub down so you won’t be carrying a mammoth plank like poor Cracka.
Did Brett Favre ever have a penis or did he lose it within the last few years? Seriously. That guy is a fucking pussy.
And let the lawsuits begin!
HAHA CRACKA! BRETT FAGRE IS YOUR QUARTERBACK!!! SUCKS TO BE YOU DUDE!!!
Hey Jim, is it true you are dead?
I was dead once but God resurrected me.
See of you can get put in the circle of hell where all the naked Scullys are.
Oh wait… I suppose you’re too old for cunnilingus are you?
OOOOOOOOHHHHH. I LOVE THAT WORD
CUNNILINGUSCUNNILINGUSCUNNILINGUSCUNNILINGUS
UNNILINGUSCUNNILINGUSCUNNILINGUSCUNNILINGUSC
NNILINGUSCUNNILINGUSCUNNILINGUSCUNNILINGUSCU
NILINGUSCUNNILINGUSCUNNILINGUSCUNNILINGUSCUN
ILINGUSCUNNILINGUSCUNNILINGUSCUNNILINGUSCUNN
LINGUSCUNNILINGUSCUNNILINGUSCUNNILINGUSCUNNI
INGUSCUNNILINGUSCUNNILINGUSCUNNILINGUSCUNNIL
NGUSCUNNILINGUSCUNNILINGUSCUNNILINGUSCUNNILI
GUSCUNNILINGUSCUNNILINGUSCUNNILINGUSCUNNILIN
USCUNNILINGUSCUNNILINGUSCUNNILINGUSCUNNILING
SCUNNILINGUSCUNNILINGUSCUNNILINGUSCUNNILINGU
PENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENIS
ENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISP
NISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPE
ISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPEN
SPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENI
No, Smoggy, I’m not dead yet! I’ve been known as a cunning linguist, too…
WTF kinda name is “tungalunga?” Sounds like a retarded Teletubbie.
Jim, I’m crazy about older men. Especially older men who love bluegrass enough to camp out and hear it. Seriously, handsome, that’s one of my favorite pastimes. Who’s the headliner? Have you ever seen Sam Bush? I would so fuck Sam Bush. I think he’s right around my age. Maybe a year or two older.
Ooooo! Anne recalls her years as a bluegrass groupie! Can’t recommend it enough, ladies. Bluegrass musicians are grateful men when they can get pussy at a festival.
I’ve been a fan of Sam Bush since the 70’s, Anne! Saw him with Emmilou Harris way back then. The headliner this weekend is Ricky Skaggs. I’m pleased, they usually bring in some full-on C&W band to close the fest, and I leave before they come on. I HATE C&W!
Aside from shit like Robert Earl Keen, anyway.
Here’s the rest of the line-up:
http://huckfinn.com/music.asp
What say you dump Mr. Johnson for the weekend…
Whoa, Jim and Annie are sneaking off for geriatric sex, I can hear their joints creaking from Noo Zillund. If you’re lucky James, you might get your first piercing when you practice your lingus on Anne’s cunny, her surgeon left a few staples in there from the big op. Maybe Mr Johnson will team up for a threesome Annie, then you might get a full-on DP with an old timer’s dribbly facial for afters.
I’ll look out for y’all on humpingrannies.com.
“Love is in the air…”
Dear God, the photo looks excellent–much more authentic. I think “that one” has his right hand down the back of Bristol’s panties.
Is it just me, or does Bristol look like a well-fleshed version of Marcia from the Brady Bunch? I’d have so banged her when I was a young Smog.
And what sort of name is Bristol? In England “Bristols” is a slang name for tits.
McCain: “I’d like to tongue your Bristols my dear.”
celebrities. who cares? old people. the x files. men are inferior. nun would so totally fuck most of them. shut up, ben.
okay, that covers it. see you tomorrow.
BOARD FACE!
And let the festivities begin…
Slash fiction with Marcia and Jan: “Marcia, Marcia…Marcia!! Oh M-MarciashitOMG!”
I think Uppity Cracka is getting jaded. So introduce some new, worthwhile topics, U.C., if you’re so friggin’ bored with ours!
I like God’s revisions of the Palins post and the addition of John McCain to the photo is inspired photoshopping. After all, he’s the one who inflicted the Palins on the world in the first place, the senile old geezer.
haha! that was funny Yo.
Thanks, Ben.
Lillith, that picture wasn’t ’shopped. God actually bent time and space, and placed McCain there when the picture was taken.
The grab-ass was McCain’s idea.
#232: I AM SO THERE! Off to the airport for a cross-continent plane ticket! Hot damn! Barn dancing! (Out of the way, Smoggy, this is no time for that!)
I saw Sam Bush with Emmylou too. Mid-song he broke a string on his fiddle and just kept playing without breaking a sweat. Guy’s a genius. Hot too.
I like Ricky Skaggs. I’m glad he switched to bluegrass.
With Smoggy, when hornyness knocks
He lathers up all of his socks
And when he is done
He goes for more fun
With various neighbors’ sheep flocks.
In God’s Divinely Revised Photograph, it looks to me like McCain’s ready to vomit, or just has vomited, or has dry heaves because he’s spent too much time around those retro-humans.
Yuck. Country music sucks. Yuck. Nun is disgusted. Even the thought of David Duchovny’s huge, thick cock will not take away my disgust.
#235 - Cracka,
The X-Files is probably one of the most intelligent programs to ever hit the airwaves. Great show, that X-Files. Scully… one of the best female characters ever created but I so wouldn’t fuck her but Lilith might. I’m not sure I’d fuck Mulder either… I fear Scully would kick my ass if I did. I would fuck David Duchovny… I’m just not sure I’d want him to open his mouth unless it was to perform cunnilingus.
CUNNILINGUSCUNNILINGUSCUNNILINGUSCUNNILINGUSCUNNILINGUSCUNNILINGUSCUNNILINGUSCUNNILINGUSCUNNILINGUSCUNNILINGUSCUNNILINGUSCUNNILINGUSCUNNILINGUSCUNNILINGUSCUNNILINGUSCUNNILINGUSCUNNILINGUS
I thought tungalunga was some kind of lesbian name.
Aer Lingus
All this talk of cunnilingus has made me rather horny.
Thank GOD I’m back to normal. Yesterday I think I was under an evil spell cast by faeries and lesbians.
Smog: Wouldn’t be my first piercing. I did let the first one heal over, though.
Nun: Like I said earlier, I too hate country music. Big difference. You DO remember “Deliverance”, doncha? Nothing like a little banjo music to get your heart racing. Paddle faster!
Yo Yo: Marcia has become a fat cow. All my adolescent fantasy girls have.
Thank you for the photo upgrade, God. Much more like what I’d want on my wall now. Would you now please smite the fuck out of my senator Ensign? I think he was separated at birth from Palin.
I actually have the Dueling Banjos as an MP3, Jim so point in your favor.
I’m going to go see if Mr. Johnson wants a little tungalunga!
Then I’m going to that bluegrass festival. Gonna find me a fine high tenor in the John Cowan/John Duffey mold and give him a tungalunga worth remembering!
tungulunga is obviously sexual and indicative of the fact that tungalunga is a gigantic whore. I think tungalunga is Bristol Palin. You’re a whore, Bristolunga!!
Faeries and lesbians do not cast evil spells, Jim. We cast tungulungu spells!
I’ve already told Cracka that if he could believe in faeries, they would fix his “little” problem. He’s too proud. Pride goeth before a puny penis.
TUNGALUNGA LOVES YOU! ALL PRAISE BE TO TUNGALUNGA!
Tungalunga reminds me of Chumbawamba.
# 257 — Ben, have you forgotten the First Commandment? You’re setting youself up for a mighty smiting.
Ben’s hoping for a Faereiey Penis Extension.
Well, hope springs eternal. But I wouldn’t bet the farm on it.
I’m outta here. Smite freely in my absence…
you’re outta here??! what did i say this time?!
Jim doesn’t cry and leave because of things somebody said, ben. That’s you that does that.
well played Nun, well played.
you know who I’d like to fuck? The last remaining Golden Girl, whoever that is.
pretty sure it’s one of the angry, senile, kooky old twats that post here.
Only fags watch or want to have anything to do with The Golden Girls, ben.
My burro called you a cock-smoker.
“…one of the angry, senile, kooky old twats that post here.”
Please be more specific.
Jim is outta here to spend quality time listening to the best music in the world. That would be bluegrass.
cracka wanna pecker?
Has anyone else noticed that Sarah’s wink shot makes her look like Dick Cheney? Look at her mouth. Well, look as long as you can without puking.
I wonder if her brown eye winks like Dick Cheney’s.
I wonder if she shoots her “friends” in the head and then claims she thought they were a duck.
I wish Sarah Palin would go duck hunting with Cheney.
I wish Dick Cheney would go duck hunting with Uppity Cracka.
I wonder if Sarah would go dick hunting for Cracka.
Good one, Yo
Ben, you win my quote of the day for “you know who I’d like to fuck? The last remaining Golden Girl, whoever that is.”
It’s the first time you’ve made me laugh out loud.
Now shut up and fuck off.
Cracka will have a heart attack at this as it’s not a subject he’d want to discuss. ben will cry quietly in the corner but won’t say anything because if he does, we’ll all say mean things that would make him cry harder. Anne will care, as do I.
This sucks!!
http://msn.foxsports.com/horseracing/story/9693264/Horse-dies-4-days-after-winning-Belmont-Park-race?GT1=39002
My heart is still sad for Barbaro. Poor, poor Barbaro.
BTW old crones and geezers, there’s a very good reason why blugrass is an anagram of ASS BUGLER.
Personally I’d rather sit round drinking bear, eating baked beans and ass bugling, than have to sit through a session of blue grass.
A kid I went to school with once lit one of hiss ass bugles with a match and burnt his anus. Shame nun wasn’t around to lick it better for him.
I suspect steroids.
Barbaro ended up in cans of “Dainty Dog Food”–he fed a million chihuahuas.
Thanks Smoggy for interrupting the flow of comments and making my last remark seem ridiculous. Although “I suspect steroids” apply to your last remark too, I suppose.
I don’t lick ass unless the ass in question is black. Jeez, you sure are dumb, Smog.
# 282 — Just how, exactly, does one “drink bear”? On second thought, don’t answer that, Smoggy.
All your remarks seem ridiculous Lilith, whether I interrupt them or not. This is because your are a lesbian and your speech is muffled, probably because you communicate with your face buried in a tasty snatch.
NUN, his ass was black where he burned it.
One drinks bears the same way one drinks rams.
I suspect the same, Lilith. These horses want to run, I understand that but they should be doing so naturally and they shouldn’t be pushed.
I know you’re kidding, Smog but in actuality, Barbaro was treated in death as no other horse in the past. With racehorses it is common to take the head, heart and legs for burial but the body is sold, in most cases it is sold for dog food or the like. Barbaro was buried whole, as it should be in my sappy opinion. That horse was a fucking fighter and I wanted him to make it.
I don’t lick charred butthole!!
I may be a slut but I’m no dummy and I can tell the difference between a real black booty and one that’s been burned to resemble a black booty.
Bollocks nun. Barbaro was A grade dog meat. They cremated a few old pig bones and buried those and sent the flesh off to the knackers.
And all this anthropomorphizing a horse is wanky. Millions of people sent him get well cards! What was he? Mr Ed? Did he write back, or just broadcast a weekly radio message of thanks?
I miss Mr. Ed. Now HE was a horse’s horse!
No Lilith…Mr Ed was Wilbur’s horse…in more ways than you think.
Oh. My. God. Do you think of nothing but bestiality, Smoggy?
“Do you think of nothing but bestiality, Smoggy?”
No Lilith, I also think about fucking animals.
Glad you cleared that up for me, Smog man.
Could be worse Lilith. I’ve been slumming it over at Pharyngula, and there’s this old Christian geezer there who is barking mad and just admitted to all the atheists that when he was about 24 “he set his heart” on a 10 year old. But when she was 18 and he was about to make his move, she got up the spout to someone else. But don’t worry, he found a wife in Uzbekistan, she was a student at a school he was teaching at, and she’s 28 years younger than he is.
After all of that, animal sex seems quite a clean perversion.
At last
…it’s the century of Smog
Use your quickening wisely, Smoggy. Don’t use it baa-aa-dly. I know:
300 is a nice jolt to the libido, but the number I really want is 666. You can perform for hours after you get 666, but it takes a lot out of God, so he doesn’t often let things get that high.
I wish Satan would show up a bit more often. It was cool that time he staged a coup, took over heaven, and had Jesus raped.
Satan was just Josh which I should have known because Josh is black and black is evil. I should know, I have the 666 birthday and I birthed a half blackie.
I miss Zeus.
Yeah, I miss Zeus too. That thing he could do turning into fuckable women was quite amazing.
# 298 — Yeah, I’ve been over to Pharyngula a couple of times but I prefer our lovely Stuff God Hates site because we’re much more intellectual and high brow.
Was Satan really Josh? Brilliant!
Hey Nun–all the rest of you know Josh’s secret identity, but I haven’t sussed it because I’m normally asleep with my sheep while the rest of you Americanuses are sucking each other. Is it true he’s on youtube?
Here’s a pic for you, Smog. She’s fully clothed but I know you have a good imagination. Plus you have all that experience with her clones.
http://www.biglight.com/blog/uploaded_images/xfiles2008pic14.jpg-738189.jpeg
Sorry to be a bit off the pace there. I don’t miss Zeus at all, that bastard.
“we’re much more intellectual and high brow.”
Too true. But it’s fun to goad the fundies, and we don’t get many here.
I miss Bridgette and her mindless bible verses.
307-Smoggy,
Yes, it is true that he is on Youtube. He’s stealing a purse from a white woman and then running away. Then the NY police show up and shoot his black ass. It’s a great video that makes me think of all the things I love about white NY city po-pos.
Zeus was good at turning himself into a woman, Lilith. You may well have licked him without realising it.
“He’s stealing a purse from a white woman and then running away. Then the NY police show up and shoot his black ass.”
What a great break for him. Soon he’ll really crack the big time and be on America’s most wanted. Than he’ll be made.
308
Wow Nun. Pics that hot, I could lose my job. Now I’ll have to go and sit in a cubicle for two hours and beat off.
Hey Lilith… want to find out what it’s like blowing a real meatstick?
Silly Smoggy. Do you realize how many black people are criminals? All of them, that’s how many. He will not get on America’s Most Wanted list until he shoots the president who is also black so people won’t even care. He has to wait until we have another white president and then he can shoot her and show up on America’s Most Wanted. Those darkies have aspirations, don’t ya know.
314 - it’s the shape of her breasts, isn’t it? Sorry, I didn’t mean to get you in trouble.
I’m glad I have you to explain American race relations to me, Nun. Do you think more people would listen to President Obama if he pimped a crack whore and got himself on AMW?
# 312 — So name all the women Zeus turned himself into. I can’t think of any. He turned himself into plenty of animals to sneak up close to women though and then rape them.
# 314 — No. Ewww. Ick.
I think more people would listen to Obama if he was white, Smoggy.
Zeus manifested as Ewan McGregor and we had wonderful sex. He also manifested as Colin Farrell and again with the wonderful sex. He manifested as a bunch of other guys too but I can’t remember them. There were some darkies cuz I do love me some darkies.
I just tried to find more pics for Smoggy to get him fired and now I have to scrub my eyes. Somebody has been having fun with PhotoShop.
Zeus also manifested as Scully and let me do anal with her.
My meatstick is not that bad Lilith. It has a nice lamb smell, and is particularly good coated with mint sauce.
# 322 — Still thanks but no thanks. If I get a craving to eat lamb, I’ll go to a Greek restaurant and get some souvlaki instead.
So Nun, as an aficionado of black men, do you have any plans to do Obama? Assuming you could get past the Secret Security guys, of course. And Michelle.
Michelle is all black so no, I won’t be messin’ with her man. Black women just love to kill them some white girl.
Yeah, she’d cut you, Nun.
She’d cut me bad.
She’d cut you too, white boy.
I may be white, but my meatstick is black man sized.
I think only Nun could be the true judge of that.
Send me a pic, Smoggy. I’ll let you know if you have a darkie-sized prick. Use a can of soda for scale but I’ll tell you right now, if you’re not bigger than the can of soda, don’t bother.
Open this carefully and stand back!
@323
Is Sue Vlaki a Greek lesbian?
I don’t know how to break it to you, Smoggy but fucking sheep has made your penis misshapen.
On no, Nun. My penis was misshapen well before I ventured into ovine eroticism. What I allowed you to get a glimpse of there was the mighty Batzrubble UBER-PENIS–rock hard, streamlined, and capable of sending even an old shagger like you into orbit.
wasn’t Jim asking that God smite this guy? http://www.nytimes.com/2009/06/18/us/politics/18ensign.html?ref=us
whoa.
# 334 — Yes, Smoggy, Sue Vlaki and I have a thing goin’ on! Am I sounding a little muffled?
Yes, Ben. God’s off to a pretty good start in the John Ensign smite-fest. He’s a Promisekeeper, doncha know. SO much holier than I.
No fucking music until tomorrow night, and not even 3G internet speed out here in the sticks. No TV, either. I think I’ll play a cowboy song and blow my fucking brains out. ;x
Lilith: ‘Am I sounding a little muffled?’
No, but your breath smells fishy.
let’s see, today let’s talk about astrology, UFOs, celebrity gossip, kittens…then we’ll wait for smoggy to show up so it’s actually funny again. that about covers it. see you tomorrow.
hey Anne,
I don’t ramble about gentrification!!! Fuck you whitey!!!!
josh is a fag.
# 342 — Uppity Cracka only thinks anything is funny or worthwhile discussing if it involves juvenile banter about sex. You’re such a prick, U.C., and not in a good way.
So anybody been to the LOLcats website lately? They’re so funny! And cute!
LOLZ! TOTALLY LILZ!
somebody please shoot lillith please.
LOLCATS?
I is not likes.
How come the retarded baby is not in the photo?
Did McCain steal it, sell it in Senegal?
Hume!
Wowzer, active board this morning. Doesn’t usually heat up until Cracka’s drugs kick in.
Also - what’s the difference between
Sarah Palin’s vagina and her mouth?
The things that come out of her vagina
are only slightly retarded.
Ben. Yo.
The fuck has happened to His blog?
How could you fellows let this happen?
Is Lilith an 18 year old rug muncher or just
anne’s alter ego?
Is Nationwide on my side?
Should I call in sick, watch the U.S. Open?
Anybody seen Scully’s horoscope for today? She’s kidnapped by alien kittens! They do strange things to her whilst on board their spaceship - and she likes it! Photos coming soon.
Hume, I just BLEEP out the stuff I don’t want to read. Saves a lot of time!
Call in sick! Stick it to The Man!
no, lilith. fuck you. i’ve been coming here since back when the comments section was actually funny. haven’t seen a FACE or a divine comment since, oh, about the time you showed up.
I haven’t seen LOLcats on the list of stuff God hates, but I’m sure it will be there soon.
Oh, and Hume? Fuck off.
You too, cracka.
Josh, how are you doing? How’s your baby doing?
never thought i’d say this…i actually kind of miss the brazilians.
The only reason there have been no Divine Comments of the Day is because God is a lazy bastard who’s bored with this blog and is off playing with animation technology rather than tending to his own blog.
Blessed are the peacemakers, Yo Yo. You try, God knows you try.
Heh, I was a middle child, have always tried to smooth the waters.
i don’t agree, hume. you shouldn’t fuck off. mostly because you are actually entertaining.
So Uppity Crack, if you are the epitome of all that is humorous, why don’t you clone yourself into a few other “personas” so there’s more variety around here and dazzle this site even more with your sparkling, sparkling wit?
Actually, “Uppity Crack” was a typo but I like it so much, I think I’ll keep using it!
Up yer crack? Speak up! Kids gotta stop mumbling.
i’m not into morphing. that’s ben’s thing.
uppity crack!!! where did you come up with that???
L O fuckin’ L!!!!!
you just FACED the shit out of me, lilith!!!!
i retire.
ben, shut up.
the rest of you may fuck off when you find the time.
said.
see, if you were funny like, say, zeus was you’d come up with something good like,
“which white trash cracker are you? i think i’ll call you wheat thin.”
aaah, those were good times.
okay, NOW you may fuck off.
Lilith, you ignorant slut.
Anybody using ‘LOL’ deserves
a cunt punch.
You aren’t even fit to lick my
droopy titleists.
great joke on Palin’s vagina and mouth Hume. hahaha, that was a great one.
BLASPHEMY!! LILITH SPEAKS BLASPHEMY!!!
YOU DUMB CUNT!! I SMITE YOU!!
I SMITE YOU WITH A BAN OF ONE DAY!!
And cracka is right. I stopped doling out Divine Comments because I got tired of reading through insipid comments posted by heathen treefuckers.
God is great, God is good.
All worship God!
PRAISE BE TO HIM AND HIS DIVINE SMITINGS!!!
some creationists say 1,000 years is like one day to God…so, i’ve got that going for me…which is nice.
Thank you My children.
This message board has been cleansed, baptized, and reborn.
Wait one fuckin minute.
It was Up Yers Cracka who made the first crack about Josh always talking about gentrification. Not that I’m not all in favor of cleaning up neighborhoods by pushing out the people who live there and tearing down their houses. I call that progress.
But the one that REALLY has me pissed…..
IS THE FACT THAT I’M THE ONE WHO CALLED CRACKA “WHEAT THIN,” NOT ZEUS!
I know this is God’s Divine Blog and women don’t get any credit for what they say, but FUCK IT! That was MY line!
You know what we never talk about around here? Rock bands made up of people who are wise enough not to quit their day jobs.
Rock music was invented for people too stupid to play bluegrass.
Or we could talk about people who have comedy acts at night and day jobs they hate.
AND. I. AM. NOT. OLD.
Who else can I insult in the name of Tree Fuckers everywhere?
Oh look, God! A LOLcat ate the Holy Spirit! Too fuckin bad!
well, if it was you it was funny. i remember zeus saying it a lot. he must have stole it. see, the difference between you and lilith is that you actually say funny shit sometimes.
bluegrass, difficult to play but one dimensional, gets old after 20 minutes. plenty of bluegrass in my hometown. dope-smoking hippy variety.
rock bands-95% crap, 5% brilliant.
i’m going to look through the comments until i find the original wheat thin insult. do you remember at all?
I’m in a pissed off foul mood today. Nobody here could piss me off more than I’m pissed off right now. Not even ben in one of his pissy moods.
Bluegrass jokes:
What do you call perfect pitch? Hitting the dumpster with the banjo the first time.
What’s the difference between a banjo and a chainsaw? The saw has more dynamic range.
What do you call a full-time bluegrass musician? Unemployed.
Anne,
You’re a treefucker and a liar. It was I who called Cracka a Trisquit first!!! Then you jumped on the band wagon and said wheat thin. That’s fagatronics if you ask me.
yo yo,
my kid is good. he’s fucking huge. his baby scores for height and weight are in the “75th to 90th percentile” at playtime with the other kids he is twice as big as kids that are 5 months older than him. thank god. I need that kid to get into the NBA. I saw VH1’s “Baller’s Moms” and I too need my son to buy me a house and a Bentley.
Ben,
Because I pay you to suck my dick at the factory does not make me a fag. it makes me a thrifty shopper.
Lilith,
There have been no divine comments or FACEs because the blog is full of people like you. People who can say “So and so is not funny” yet offer no funny comments. But I like you, but only because you have a vagina and more than likely some boobs. I like boobs.
God,
You’re good all the time. Your video still makes me laugh.
Cracka,
your racism is getting soft. remember you’re white and this country was made for you on the backs of darkies. get angry they are stealing it back. hablo espanol?
Nun?
Where are you?
Gee, Carka, have I much times better things to do than look inwhich long comment strings way before Brazil, ask help of Herbman who stoned also might be to enough help out. Said.
#388: It doesn’t count if you called him a Trisquit. There’s no such carka.
supported.
Does any male, white, black, or fucked up New Zealand, deserve the upcoming quickening? I DON’T FUCKIN THINK SO!
i meant triscuit. ether way it was i who called him an actual cracker first.
I’m gonna claim the fucker for trees and kittens and lesbians everywhere. God will take it from me, but moral victories are still victories.
Well then, I’ll have to establish a new beach head. What kind of uppity, are you, Cracka? Your mama in the D.A.R.?
will you?
can you?
Maybe Cracka’s the kind of uppity who hangs out with queens.
God is good.
one
one
God is not good. He sucks tithe. Jesus was a wimp, and the Holy Spirit is a ball of coughed-out feathers, mixed with kitten fur.
curse you tree banger!!!!
i could not give this quickening my full attention because my kid is screaming. I bet you prayed to the cry baby fairy for that to happen!!!!!
Your kid’s just crying because he overheard you and Mrs. Josh whispering about sending him to a second-tier preschool.
Josh, God will provide. I’m sure you will get the quickening.
Although, I remember new babies and adult lack of sleep, you may not want the quickening for awhile.
that’s right! josh called me triscuit! bravo, sir.
i looked over the atheist post again, funny as shit. bridgette at her finest.
josh. i think my racism got soft because you’ve been gone. i’ve been surrounded by old white people. it’s not very enraging. unless you get enraged with talk of 1960s tv sitcoms and regularity and creaky sex habits.
remember that weasel guy? funny dude. i wonder if his ‘why women hate men’ blog is still rolling?
God always provides … smitings. He’ll follow up a well-deserved smiting, like the Palins, with a fucked-up smiting, like people who eat Trisquits.
And if you can combine all three ideas in once sentence - well!
Is there any way we can track Bridgette down and invite her back? My biggest laugh of this entire year was when I poned her on April Fool’s Day.
You want to liven up this blog? Find more Bridgettes. That’s the key to Pharyngula’s success.
I liked her picture too. I miss me some ugly.
http://whywomenhatemen.blogspot.com/
Cracka, why don’t you post a picture of yourself? Maybe you’re not quite as young as you pretend to be. Go find your teeth and let us see what you look like.
Oh wait. Sorry. Go find your tooth, etc. etc.
i have multiple teeth.
i’m just regular age, though.
and, um, this is my real picture. thanks a lot. this is why i don’t have feelings anymore.
weasel’s funny but way too long-winded. God’s got it going because his posts and videos are short and succinct. Hate. Exclamation points. Disgusting sexual reference. Promise of creatively torturous smite. Offer to followers to engage in violent acts against the smitee. Done.
God may be a nasty motherfucker, but he’s a good blogger. The two often go hand-in-hand.
#414: If you have multiple teeth, you’re a cracka wannabe. You’ve got to have 32 crackas in order to have a full set of teeth.
shut up anne
hmmm….i had my wisdom teeth removed. does that change things?
Eating my gun had no effect whatsoever. Imagine my surprise at waking up at sunrise. Perhaps a larger caliber is in order.
God IS great. All the time. Even when he makes me survive a point-blank .357 hollowpoint to the soft palate.
Teeth are in short supply at this event, as might be imagined. I think this has something to do with it:
http://revivl.com/features/?p=134
#417: Make me or bite me.
#418: Explains everything.
#420: Negotiating for a date?
#422: Not with that pathetic zombie. Unless “Hume Cronyn” is Beckham’s way of contributing anonymously to this thread.
He told me to shut up, and I’m the mood to shatter bones right now.
My only solace is the quickening, which God will promptly remove when He catches up on His Divine Comments.
Sarah Palin is a good woman and David Letterman and this “God” blogger will go to hell for saying such horrible things like a young girl should be raped.
bridgette, hell is a 13th century word. “gehinnom” refers to a valley by jerusalem where they burned corpses and waste. hades and sheol are words meaning “death”. i’m not sure where you get off damning letterman to a garbage dump.
ps-we missed you, you fat fuck.
FAIRY TALES CAN COME TRUE, IT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU!
Welcome back, Bridgette! I agree that it’s not funny to joke about rape, but how do we know Bristol wouldn’t want to fuck A-Rod? She clearly likes to fuck.
Yes, it was tender little Willow sitting with her mama rooting for the Yankees while secretly having sinful thoughts about the Jonas Brothers.
so, that’s it. letterman goes to heck. what if he begs jebus for forgiveness? bridgette, google these two things:
decoupled cognition/hyperactive agency detection
then combine them into one function…
presto! you’ve got yourself a god!
Gosh, Cracka. You’re asking a lot of Bridgette. Like she has all day to type in big words. All she needs to do is google “God Checker,” and she can find thousands of deities!
Bridgette, it’s lonely for you here. Why don’t you ask your friends to look at this sinful “God” blogger and comment themselves?
yeah, yours is simpler. simpler is better.
#424 - anne, you couldn’t even shatter my boner
your bones, on the other hand, are probably
as hollow and brittle as your anger.
you must be having a hot flash, eh?
and you have no retarded poor kids to boss around,
so you’re misdirecting your sliver of influence
Hot flash my ass. I’m having a bad day.
And if my poor kids were as retarded as you, my school would be empty, and I would have to lunch with Curtis.
at least you’d have some nice fondue.
I works (as you all may recall) for mental health agency. Someone just came in and fouled the waiting room with their stench. of course, today’s the day the A/C chose to break. I just set up a fan in the exterior doorway, trying to dilute the smell.
I was gagging before I finished.
Everyone around here (except Nun and Bridgette) accuse me of being too nice. And when I get genuinely pissed off and snarky, I’m “hollow” and “bitter?” What kind of fucked-up logic is that? I prefer “righteously indignant,” thank you.
#438: Better or worse than working in ben’s factory?
Anne, that’s the man/woman logic that surrounds us:
Men are assertive, women bitchy.
Men know what they want, women are picky.
Men are self-sustaining, women are cold.
Etc, etc.
# 440: I’ve washed my hands, arms and face twice, I can still smell it.
The stink seems to come from their cats, it smells like the people (a couple with a toddler) rolled in urine-soaked aged cat litter.
It’s bad enough to knock a buzzard off a shitwagon.
if your students were any more retarded, they’d
be writing for rush limbaugh.
and if they were any less retarded, you would
not be entrusted to teach them anything….
people around here think you’re nice?
weird, cause I think you’re a cuntasaurus
“if your students were any more retarded, they’d
be writing for rush limbaugh.”
I like that line. I’m going to have to modify it and use it in front of the right-wing idiot that works down the hallway.
Yo said: “Anybody seen Scully’s horoscope for today? She’s kidnapped by alien kittens!”
Scully’s been attacked by killer kitties before. It wasn’t fun for her. Nor was it fun for anyone because 12 years later, the team behind The X-Files still talk about that episode. What I think is kind of cool about that episode is I have a friend who had dated the lead guest star.
I’ve offered such a detailed explanation for Cracka’s benefit. I know how he loves to read shit like that. In short, keep Scully away from kittens. Scully will kill a kitten by twisting it’s little kitten head off. Then she’ll laugh and dance around. You don’t fuck with Scully unless she’s a clone and you’re Smoggy.
I’ve seen the Palin vagina joke and I’m pretty sure it was this blog. Was it Jim who said it before Hume?
Weasel is fucking hot. I’d totally fuck him. I also think he’s local. I should track him down and take advantage of him.
Bridgette,
You’re a stupid sack of cow!
Letterman never said anything about rape!
Hume, get out of Yo Yo’s mental health agency NOW! Take your lunacy and cat odor elsewhere.
Anne,
Are you okay?
PS - I’m not a cuntasaurus, but you’re a pricktard.
Nun, the correct response was “I know you are, but what am I?”
You now have to repeat first grade.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. Everything you say bounces off me and sticks to you.
Sorry, Nun. I meant that Hume is a pricktard. You can’t be a pricktard because you have a glorious vagina!
Hume is a pricktard because he made a comment about my students being retarded. Not only are my students not retarded, they don’t like being considered retarded by people who really are retarded.
I’m in a bad mood today.
It’s not because I’m female 
or having hot flashes 
or fighting with Teenzilla 
. I’m just pissed. Kind of like Cracka, except he’s like this all the time.
it’s very satisfying, isn’t it, dicknickname? i wish i had a transcript from the conversation i just had with my cable company. it was hilarious. better not, it would be way too long. tell me more about the kitties.
Hume is an old, dead, white man. He doesn’t realize that calling inner-city youth “retarded” is redundant. You just have to say they’re black. I’m sorry he called them ‘retarded’ when it’s obvious that actual retardation is limited to white folk as God loves the retards. Imagine, God loving a black child… HA!
If it makes you feel any better, Anne, my son is a bully. He’s small for his age and stocky and goes after kids that are bigger and older than him. He’s been suspended twice and I feel like a complete loser as a mother. No matter how shitty you feel, there’s somebody that has it worse… not me, of course. I’m white. Josh has it worse than all of us, he’s black.
“Imagine, God loving a black child… HA!”
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!!!!!
“No matter how shitty you feel, there’s somebody that has it worse… not me, of course. I’m white”
BWAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Wow. I made cranky Cracka laugh. If this is God’s way of blessing me with something good because I sent Him a funny song then I feel jypped.
I hate country but I love Ronnie Milsap. What’s wrong with me??
what’s wrong with you? well, for starters you love ronnie milsap…
I know. Fucking blind bastard!
Bridgette is one of you guys.
she’s not a genie or a dog that comes when you call her. one of you bastards read Anne’s request and posted as her.
fess up!!!!!
I’m actually starting to wonder if Josh is right. I know people like Bridgette but it is kind of freaky-deaky how she’s always around when you call her. Maybe she is a dog.
If I was the captain of the Star Trek’s Enterprise-D,
would I be Jean-Luc Pricktard?
hahaha
I made myself laugh.
God I love laudanum and crazy, fairy lovin’ bitches
the cuntasaurus made a funny word
My funny word’s not half as funny as your face, Hume. Wipe those maggots off your nose.
It’s good you can make yourself laugh, because you sure don’t make anyone else laugh.
Nun, are you sure your son fits the PDQ of bully? I always thought bullies were kids who fought with other kids who were younger and smaller than them. If your kid is fighting with kids who are bigger and older, who’s picking the fight?
As for getting suspended, yeah, as soon as the fists fly, every kid doing the fighting gets kicked to the curb. Take the little chap to karate class. I know this sounds counter intuitive, but those karate classes somehow exert a calming effect. Kind of like Hume’s laudanum without the dilated pupils and projectile vomiting.
I stand by my faith that Bridgette is real.
It makes sense that she wouldn’t be around for awhile, since God hasn’t been posting as much lately. If she was the creation of someone here, she would engage us in conversation more, instead of flitting in, dumping her sewage, and flitting off again.
Now I know you’re a youngster, Cracka! In my house, when the cable goes down, it’s Teenzilla who makes the phone call. Last week when she was trying to get the t.v. up and running so she could watch “Gilmore Girls,” I heard her shout into the phone, “I don’t want to talk to a fucking machine! Put a person on!” There was a pause, and she said, “That’s better.” And got the problem fixed.
It’s my boy starting the fights. He’s always been a bit of a basher, ever since daycare/preschool time. He just knows no boundaries in terms of the kids he’s taking on. He’s not a bully in the traditional sense where he just goes around and bashes kids for no reason. He perceives any misjustice as a reason for him to use his fists. He’s half black and full of righteous black anger and I just want to smack the black right out of him.
God has smited Lilith. HE will force her to desire men and mutton flavored meatsticks, while at the same time she will be revolted to the very core of her lesbian being, but unable to help herself.
And as for me…what will I do to help poor Lilith?
When she comes begging for my sheep-flavored UBER-PENIS I’ll say kindly: “Fuck off Lilith. No matter how badly you want me, I don’t do it with dykes. Why don’t you find some Dutch lad with chubby fingers to dam your hole?’
Cracka is becoming jaded….
Nun is becomeing jaded…
Zeus has left…
Curtis has left…
I’m a deranged pervert…
EVEN GOD IS BECOMING JADED… (who can blame him when he has this lot to put up with?)…
I know GOD. Why don’t you become a temporary atheist and smite all the Christians for being so gullible. That would be really funny, they’d be shitting their pants, and they’d have no one to pray to about it!
I really like the word “cuntasaurus”. I’m sorry, Anne. I would never call you that but I can think of some women I would. Of course, I’d get banned if I did that so I won’t but I’ll think about it and laugh.
Letterman clearly suggested that a baseball player had raped Sarah Palin’s daughter. You cannot tell me that with all their people working there they didn’t know it was her 14 year old daughter Willow. That’s statutory rape!
I might take pity on Lilith and agree to give her some anal. But only if she provides photographic evidence that she’s had a poop first.
Silly Smoggy. Christians see God through their Jesus colored glasses. Even if He did turn athiest, Christians would never acknowledge it.
He said “he knocked her up”, Bridgette. I realize you’re stupid but surely you know the difference between being knocked up and being raped.
And I honestly believe he was talking about Bristol because Bristol has gone on talk-shows talking about what a slut she is but nobody else should be a slut. She’s a hypocritical slut.
‘Knocked up’ means that he got her pregnant. How can a baseball player get a 14 year old pregnant if a rape has not been committed?
Hey Bridgette,
I see the nasty growths on your face haven’t healed up.
And if you’re fantasising about being raped by a statue, you’d better see my picture @ 333. That should send you to heaven in a hurry!!
You’re a typical Christian Bridgette–sweeping assertions based on the flimsiest evidence. Why don’t you post a photo of your flabby tits, then we might take more notice of you. At least we’d get a good laugh.
You’re just as myopic as Sarah Palin, Bridgette. At least Sarah is doing it to garner publicity for her and her white trash family. You’re just ignorant. I pity you.
No I am not ignorant you are just choosing to ignore the facts. Letterman suggested that Sarah Palin’s daughter had been raped which is why he admitted it and apologized for it!
Letterman apologized because humor-challenged right wing fundy morons were going to damage his ratings and put his job at risk.
It is you that is choosing to ignore the facts. Letterman never implied that a girl should be raped. He implied that a female slut got knocked up by a male slut. You only need look at the Palin family to see which slutty daughter he was referring to… the teenage slutty mother. It is you and the other handful of people who are too ignorant and bitter to look at facts with any kind of reasonable rationality.
He apologized for his joke which some found to be in poor taste. He did not apologize for implying that a girl should be raped as he never did such a thing. Take off your Jesus colored glasses.
Fuck!
I forgot to end the italics, I guess.
Bridgette,
I do think you’re a creation of one of the idiots here (Anne’s thought of “well wouldn’t she post more if she was someone here” shows that Anne has no idea what comedic timing is, or that things can get old if you use them a lot much like Nun’s….)
but I will bite. How can a man have sex with a 14 year old and it not be rape? Well they could be in one of three states in the US where 14 is an age of consent. I think you should try to find the Dave Chappelle bit on what age do you become an adult. It seems that when a 12 year old young black kid in Florida did a wrestling move on his little friend and she died, he was tried as an adult. Got that? 12 is an adult in the eyes of the law, unless of course your a white girl having sex with someone one year older than you, as was the case of an 18 year old black male who had sex with a 17 year old. Then 17 is still a minor and the 18 year old black dude goes to prison.
GOD DAMN IT!!
I’m fucking funny, MOTHER FUCKER!! 
funny? I was talking about how your vagina is used a lot, that’s why you look 35 but your vagina looks like Bea Arthur’s rectum.
I’m sorry, Josh. I misread your statement because I was distracted by this black man who is fucking my Bea Arthur rectum vagina.
see you are funny!!!!!
Indeed ‘funny’ and ’sad’ are very interchangeable words.
so true Smoggy.
you’re sex with sheep schtick is very funny!
Josh it’s very strange to me that you don’t think I am real person. You don’t believe in God, you don’t believe in me, and you don’t believe that the rape of children is wrong. You liberals always live up to your stereotypes.
I think Bridgette is Ben in drag.
And the Palin’s think they’re goin to Heaven…
Oh yeah, and fuck you Smoggy. NOT!
Bridgette, I think you’re hot. Run away with me!
Mystery lesbian needs a meatstick…
…one that tastes like mutton.
500!!!
And lo, the Lord granted Smoggy a quickening yet again.
Him Damn It!
Why didn’t I get to go to a school where the hot English teacher raped her 14 year old boy students? When I was 14, it wouldn’t have been considered rape–I woulda just got lucky.
Bridgette CAN’T be real. Anyone who IS real knows Letterman never mentioned rape; it was the slut’s DAD who first mentioned it. And NObody has come up with any proof that ANY of their Joel’s Army offspring were at the ballgame, and the ones who were there left in the 6th inning anyway.
Lies, all lies in a lame attempt to discredit David Letterman.
Fail.
Josh: “you’re sex with sheep schtick is very funny!”
Not if you’re the sheep!
Jim, I agree with you.
When I was a fourteen-year-old schoolboy my happiest dream would have been to have been raped by my English teacher. She used to wear tight slacks that made her pussy stand out in a plump cameltoe. I used to spend the whole class perving at her with a murderous boner.
Sigh…
Happy memories
Do you teach English, Anne?
little late with this one:
nun-470
“He perceives any misjustice as a reason for him to use his fists…”
can’t imagine where he picked up that trait.
Bridgy 494,
you missed my point entirely. I never said I did not believe in God, you assume I don’t, which I do.
My point is at 14 you know what sex is, the only time this becomes an issue is when people need to exploit it for political reasons.
I think you’re crcaka. You too much on character to be Anne, and Nun would have spilled the beans already. You can’t be Ben because you actually have a point, he’s just an aimless idiot.
“you look 35 but your vagina looks like Bea Arthur’s rectum”
ever come across something so simple in it’s elegance and so poignantly beatiful and succint that you think to yourself, “damnit! why didn’t i think of that?!”
look, for the last time, i’m not bridgette. if i was, and you called me on it, i’d admit it. besides, God himself told us bridgette is in west virginia. and that, in itself, would explain everything…
Smoggy mystery lesbian, I’m flattered you would think I’m Bridgette and that i could pull that off, but seriously these accusations are getting old.
#502 & 504:
supported.
My English teacher (Ms. Brickhouse) was hawt! I wanted to dangle my gerund in her face. Any teenaged boy who have scored with her would have boasted about it, not been traumatized.
# 508: The Bea Arthur comment is up there with your “tits like a bus driver’s ass” line.
We should write these down and sell them in a book: “Insults For All Occasions”.
bridgette,
josh is saying you’re one of these:
http://rationalwiki.com/wiki/Poe
because the things you say are so cliched and ridiculous. you never take a defensible position. you make your side look worse through your stupidity. for instance, who actually thinks that letterman’s “joke” was that big of a deal? who would really argue that david letterman is in favor of statutory rape? no one, because it’s idiotic! of course it was a bad joke; not funny, crude, stupid. in the guy’s career of telling a zillion jokes this one was bad. but who’s actually going to be filled with rage over it? only a poe.
you’re also a godbot. you just post bible verses as if that’s somehow an argument for or against something; even though the people you’re arguing against see no validity in the bible. you might as well quote ‘green eggs and ham’.
haha! nun has a vagina like bea arthur’s rectum and tits like a bus driver’s ass!
and bridgette’s a nazi whore! oops, godwin’s law…i lose.
But you get a lovely parting gift, Cracka: A signed picture of Nun’s ass. Oops, sorry, that was Bridgette’s face.
Does invoking Godwin’s Law on yourself count?
I invoke Formosa’s Law on Bridgette:
http://catb.org/esr/jargon/html/F/Formosas-Law.html
I believe in Bridgette. But of course, I believe in faeries. However, her righteous indignation would be hard to write with a straight face.
I teach English, but I can assure you that my students don’t crush on me, nor me on them. If I’d gone to work at that school in my 20s, I’d have had a hell of a time. But I’m past that now … and I come home to Mr. J.
DEATH TO AMERICA! DEATH TO ENGLAND! DEATH TO TWITTER!!
ALLAH AKBAR!! ALLAH AKBAR!! ALLAH AKBAR!!
ben.
shut up.
haha! bridgette’s got a face like nun’s ass! which explains why it’s her husband fucks it and leaves 2 bits on the dresser.
what? i thought ‘death to twitter’ was funnee.
why did i put the word “it’s” in there?
I agree with Josh - I think Bridgette is someone’s sock puppet.
Used to be, teacher/student relations were the older man/young girl.
When did older woman/younger man start? And why didn’t it happen with ♫ me and Mrs, Mrs Brickhouse? We got a thang, goin’ on…♫
Ben, ‘Death to Twitter’ is good, I liked it.
Thanks Yo. You’re one of the good ones man.
Josh, feel free to steal that and put it in your act. that’s what you blackies are good at anyway, stealing the white man’s art and making it your own.
At least Josh is good at something. Oh wait. ben’s good at something too.
don’t besmirch the man’s professionalism. he’s the new head dicksucker.
“head dicksucker”? That seems redundant, somehow.
so,
yoyo and josh think bridgette’s fake…fat face and all.
if it’s anyone…it’s curtis. he’s from the south, lives in the south, knows the culture…remember the bumper sticker he told us about? “if it ain’t king james, it ain’t bible”
oooooooohhhhh….basically fondue.
yoyo-that’s what they call one of them triple entendres.
triple entendres - I had one of those back in college. Twin cheerleaders.
I think Bridgette is real, but it is very wierd that she always seems to show up when we start talking about her. maybe it’s just a coincidence, or maybe we’re always talking about Bridgette and we don’t realize it. then again maybe it’s Josh. he’s the one who started accusing others of being Bridgie. that would be a classic self-defense move to ward off suspicion.
Don’t you have blogs that you read every now and then, just pop in to see what’s hangin and bangin? Why wouldn’t she do that? My friend Maebius posted here a few times until he returned to his senses. He may pop in again sometime. And let’s not forget all the one-timers who think up names that sound like cunnilingus.
I would just like to complain on behalf of my good friend Lilith that her one day ban is now more than 24 hours long. Does God’s wristwatch need a new battery?
God needs to have his clock cleaned.
God’s wristwatch is on God time. one day—one thousand years. He invented time, remember?
not getting pumped full of semen must make women even dumber.
I would agree with you, Anne, but I’m sucking up to the Big Guy so my friend Lilith can get back on the board.
Thanks for helping to keep women smart, Uppity Crack!
that’s more like it!
wait, shouldn’t it be the other way around?
something like, “is that why you’re wife is such a dipshit?”
I’m thinking your wife must be Alberta Fucking Einstein, Uppity Ass Crack.
“not getting pumped full of semen must make women even dumber”
-me
you’re accusing me of being some kind of sexual dynamo by calling her smart. you trying to appeal to my bloated white man ego?
I think she probably meant that your wife would fit right in at a family reunion of Bridgette’s mountain-bound sister/moms.
Sorry, got mixed up. Appealing to your bloated white man’s ego is the LAST thing I want to do.
my wife’s cool. she’d probably tell me to respect your stupid, unfounded belief in the ridicuous. and she’s waaay prettier than me, or most people for that matter. i don’t know why she likes me.
It’s so hard trying to pose as someone else. I don’t know how Ben manages to do it when he posts as Bridgette.
i meant “wi-dicuous”
thank you.
You should tell your wife to post here, Uppity Cracka. She sounds like way more fun than you.
what the fuck lesbian? on two occasions God has intervened to tell us that Bridgette is someone from West Virginia. you’re a fucking stupid dike bitch.
And you’re a vicious little rodent. But I still think you’re Bridgette.
In fact, it wouldn’t even surprise me if you’re God posing as Ben posing as Bridgette. I think you have hidden depths, Ben.
ok Lilith, you fucking noob. As Josh said before, I’ll bite. please explain your reasoning for why I am Bridgette?
Hurray! I’m back as my true self!!
wow Lilith. i’m flattered that you would think i have hidden depths. please explain though what i have ever said that makes you think I am Bridgette much less fucking God. you’re not the first person to say that either. I’m just confused as to what I am saying that makes you think I am all these people. am I Yo Yo too? am I YOU?
she just lurks occasionally and tells me who’s funny and who isn’t.
she did ask me once, “is this bridgette for real?”
ben, are you me?
Okay Ben, here is why you are Bridgette.
All God’s inner circle of favoured commenters have special avatar pictures. The rest of us slobs have the computer-generated ones. Of the ones with special avatar pictures, Yo Yo, Nun and Josh all have plausible back stories about who they are, where they work, i.e. they have divulged some personal info.
But the remaining commenter with a special avatar picture — Ben — does not have a plausible back story of any kind. This makes me suspicious.
Who else does not have a plausible back story but does have a special avatar picture? Bridgette.
Ergo — one and the same.
I rest my case. Now do you want to know why I think Ben is also God?
Could you look on as we burbled about Bridgette and lesbians, Lillith?
Yes I could, Yo Yo. What’s your point?
Lillith, I find your logic closely reasoned and watertight. I applaud.
I thank you, Yo Yo, even though I suspect you’re being sarcastic.
don’t make ben talk about clearing caches again. his little brain might have a tiny explosion.
#560: I didn’t know how the banning worked, that is, were you prevented from viewing us, also, or just prevented from posting.
Lilith your argument is pathetic. I’ve talked about who I am on several occasions. Of course you wouldn’t know that because you’re such a fucking noob. i used to live in Iowa and moved to northern NJ a couple months ago. i work in the dick-sucking industry and recently got a promotion. since you can’t stand fun of any kind i’ll just tell you that this industry is very similar to the accounting department for a company that handles the government transporting around of old people you fucking bitch.
by the way, there are plenty of avatar using people around here who have never explained their backstory. bei, for example. just because you’re a fucking retard who can’t apparently can’t figure out how to use gravatar.com doesn’t mean you’re not suspect.
Bridgette.
Rhymes with idjit.
’nuff said.
now please explain why you think i’m God too Lillith.
#562: Nope, I’m serious. All of us have a backstory we’ve shared, to some extent. Ben’s given us little data, other than moving from Iowa to Noo Jerzee.
ok, what more do you need to know Yo? I’m the only one here who’s had the courage to use his picture as an avatar.
i never get the chance to talk about myself. as soon as i do you fuckers tell me to shutup. i tried to talk about my dead cat once and anne started making fun of me.
ever since he got necrophiled by curtis he’s just kind of shut down…poor little fella.
# 564 — I could read every nasty little comment, Yo. I just couldn’t post. At least not until my friend “Mystery Lesbian” posted for me.
ben, making fun of each other is how express concern.
ex- “josh, is your kid a fag yet?” means “josh, how is your baby boy doing?”
now, shut up.
# 565 — Your nasty defensiveness speaks volumes, Ben. I love you too.
Sorry you feel that way, Ben. I’ve asked you (on occasion) how’s life, etc. And didn’t Anne apologize about the cat remarks? They were out of line.
As Cracka pointed out in # 572, when we guy ye, it’s because we love ye. The more shit we give someone, the more we like them.
In real life, Cracka and Nun would have to rent a motel room.
# 567 — I have two reasons why I suspect God posts as Ben.
(1) God wants to participate in the conversation but having to stay in character as God is limiting. So he adopts an alter ego that is as far from God’s persona as possible. This is also why Ben does not have an extensive back story, unlike the other legit “inner circle” posters. He is a mere device to allow God to post and so God didn’t bother to flesh “Ben” out any more than necessary.
(2) The device blocking my email was not set to automatically expire at the 24 hour mark. Therefore, it needed to be “unblocked” manually. It was unblocked right after Ben (with his special gravatar picture) showed up.
I rest my case again.
I rested my case and got a bad performance review.
she apologized and then immediately started doing it again. any questions you have about me i would answer but no one ever asks me any questions because they’re too busy telling me to shutup.
you never explained your reasoning lilith. my nasty defensiveness speaks volumes? you’re fucking saying i’m bridgette, a person i hate. then you say i’m God too and don’t explain why. now i know why everyone here hates you. for real hates you, not in the joking way they do to me.
But why couldn’t Cracka be God? Or me? Ben might have been lurking.
Just playing Satan’s advocate here.
ok I see you just posted your reasons. like i already said i have a life and a backstory and you just don’t fucking recognize that. do you need to see my facebook page? my myspace? what the fuck bitch. it’s not like any of you have ever cared to talk to me other than to tell me to shutup.
as for your second point, that’s just stupid. God is always watching us. besides that go back and look at the comments. i was posting this morning long before you got unblocked. so in closing you’re dumb.
see that’s a perfect example yo. i’ve been here all morning and you didn’t even notice. i could have told you everything about myself by now and i pretty much have, but you don’t even read my comments.
You know, Ben, your saving grace is that you like cats. I’m sorry your cat died. I bet you like the LOLcat website too, just like me.
I think it’s cute but I don’t think it’s that funny and i don’t like how excited people get about that website. how come no LOLdogs? now that I could get into.
but get back to the point bitch and read my comments and respond. you can’t just lay out all that shit and then change the subject when i prove you wrong.
But Ben, there is a website for LOLdogs too! And LOLcelebs! And LOLnews where they make fun of politicians! Expand your horizons, furry guy!
# 584 — I saw nothing in your so-called refutation that requires an answer. I stated my opinion, you stated yours (
) and that’s the end of it.
whatever bitch. you know you lost.
you were right about one thing though, i do have hidden depths. like i really like the music from les miserables all of a sudden:
VALJEAN:
Now you are here
again beside me
now i can die in peace
for now my life is blessed
COSSETTE:
you will live, papa
you’re going to live
it’s too soon to ever say goodbye
VALJEAN:
yes, cossette
forbid me now to die
i’ll obey
i will try
on this page
i write my last confession
read it well
when i at last am sleeping
it’s a story of those who always loved you
your mother gave her life for you and gave you to my keeping
FANTINE:
come with me
where chains will never bind you
all your grief
at last, at last behind you
lord in heaven;
look down on him in mercy
VALJEAN:
forgive me all my trespases and take me to your glory
FANTINE, VALJEAN AND EPONINE:
take my hand
and lead me to salvation
take my love
for love is everlasting
and remember
the truth that once was spoken:
to love another person is to see the face of god
ALL:
do you hear the people sing?
lost in the valley of the night
it is the music of a people who are climbing to the light
for the wretched of the earth
there is a flame that never dies
even the darkest nights will end and the sun will rise
they will live again in freedom in the garden of the lord
they will walk behind the bloodshed
they will put away the sword
the chain will be broken and all men will have their reward!
will you join in our crusade?
who will be strong and stand with me?
somewhere beyond the barricade is there a world you long to see?
do you hear the people sing?
say, do you hear the distant drums?
it is the future that they bring when tomorrow comes!
REPEAT
Aaaaah, aaaaah, aaaah,
tomorrow comes!!
Gee Ben, maybe you’re really Susan Boyle!
well it was because of Susan Boyle that i got into the music.
Lessons I’ve Learned Here
I’ve learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you’d better have a big dick or huge tits.
I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others — they are more fucked up than you think.
I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I’ve learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down will be the ones who do.
I’ve learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.
I’ve learned to say “Fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke” in 6 languages.
Yes and it’s the second time you’ve quoted the Les Miz line “to love another person is to see the face of God.” Don’t think I don’t read and analyze your every utterance, Ben. If we love you, we’ll see the face of . . . . GOD!! Hiding in plain sight, aren’t you?
huh? i quoted that line here because this is God’s blog and i like it. you’re paranoid lilith. lay off the bong or xanax or whatever it is you’re on.
have i yawned lately as a symbolic gesture of boredom?
no?
(yawn)
God,
did you smite this woman because you hate her or because you hate kazaa?
http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1614343/20090619/story.jhtml
also please ban Lilith again and this time make it for a 1,000 years. she’s annoying and stupid.
Don’t forget to bring a towel.
don’t forget to bring a towel.
words to live by, indeed.
also, don’t get high off your own supply and never, NEVER pay for a blowjob in advance.
Cracka, said. supported. etc.
Tedious, listening to those two yarp at each other.
So, how’s your regional franchised sports team doing?
They prattle on like a sewing circle.
ben, lilith isn’t high. her hallucinations are the product of brain anoxia from burying her face in her girlfriend’s anaerobic, life-choking stinkhole…
sweet - thank you, Sir.
mmm….sexual deviance, tastes like chicken of the sea. it’s UNNATURAL i tell you! two hairy female tree molesters rubbing there slimy parts together like that!!! burn out your God damned retinas, i tell ya.
to coin jon stewart:
just the thought of it gives my uvula diarrhea down the back of my throat.
hey guys
Well there’s a postcard moment!
S’up Josh?
Are you God?
Lilith,
Ben is not God or Bridgette. My reasoning: he’s too stupid. He used to post as a few other people, and time and time again he would forget to change his email and post as himself with the picture of Pirate McCain or one of his other bots.
Now one could argue that Ben is so smart, that he did all that on purpose, and he is in fact God and “messed up” to cover his tracks. To that I say, read Ben’s comments. He’s a fucking idiot, through and through. But man can he suck a dick.
I’m not God. He has emailed me once or twice. Very funny dude, never breaks character.
Josh is me.
Who am I?
fuck that! josh is ME!!!
Whose pants are these?
Where’d all this blood come from?
thanks Josh, I guess. see now Josh raises a valid reason for at least suspecting God of being Bridgette. if Bridgette is a sock-puppet, God is the only person around who has been able to not break character for such a long time.
Josh is a father fag.
ben, there’s no such thing.
sure there is. just because you had a baby doesn’t mean you’re not secret homo.
Ben,
No real homo is ever secret.
but, there are a bunch of gays who steal babies from breaders. I see them all over the city. Poor fag babies, their rectums never stood a chance (I mean when they get older, as homosexuality and pedophilia are two very different things)
stealing babies from bread makers? jebuz things are fucked up in jew york!
Josh, Ben, Anne, it’s raining hard and fast here, how’s it further south? How’s weather in Minnesoder, Cracka? Had any twisters yet? Or tornados?
it rained a lot yesterday but today is a fine summer day in northern NJ.
it’s 80 degrees in NYC. I have on shorts and a sleeveless shirt to show off my farmer’s tan.
Shee-it, rain today, maybe tomorrow, about 60 degrees outside.
Jesus.
Lilith,
ben is not God or vice versa. ben is too slow to successfully pull off aliases. As Josh has pointed out, he always screws it up in one way or the other. He is also overly sensitive, that’s why he’s been banned twice… he cries and starts throwing little ben-bitch fits which pisses God off. Note how he whines about how nobody pays attention to him and Anne makes fun of his cat. Well, Anne did apologize and I sure don’t remember her continuing to make fun of ben’s cat after the apology. ben remembers things the way he wants to, not necessarily the way they happened… a clear sign he’s a big, walking vagina. He also had to be told that my mock anger at being called a whore was a joke… what a fucking nimrod.
Josh is right that God never breaks character. I too have communicated with Him via email and He never breaks character and if you try to break it for Him, He smites you violently. He is the reason my vagina looks like Bea Arthur’s rectum, not all those delicious black men I fuck.
tornado somewhere in the state yesterday. first one.
it’s 80-humid.
supposed to be 90 and sunny for the foreseeable future. it gets really damn humid here. i don’t know—16,000 evaporating lakes, i guess. for us, 90 is too hot. we’re mostly thick-blooded and boatloads (literally) of hmong and somalians…who are terrible drivers, the lot of them.
It should also be noted that ben thought Mystery Lesbian was Smoggy. ben is not big on common sense or deductive reasoning.
wait a minute, whore…that is MOCK anger?!!!
really thought i was getting to you there
eat shit whore.
ben just pulled three random words out of his ass. literally, he keeps his words in his ass.
Hey, why don’t we go back to the scintillating humour of discussing the fucking weather?
I checked out Strike Star - it shows lightning strikes in the US (you can zoom in by region - Northeast, Southwest, etc.)
http://www.strikestarus.com/
Lots of t-storms in the last 24 hours between Cracka and Curtis’ states.
http://www.strikestarus.com/index.aspx?id=44
why don’t you go shave your upper lip so your face doesn’t get stuck to your girlfriends furry, flappy labia like velcro?
why don’t we start ripping Lilith a new anus?
damnit, yo! you ruined the comedic timing of my gross-out line!
Wowzer -what timing!
isn’t there anything in the world that you’re not nerdy about, yoyo?
I’m curious as to what Cracka and Smoggy might actually look like. I can’t help it, especially since Smoggy showed me that strange looking penis he sports. Cracka has a huge oaken penis and I’m interested to see if he dresses to the left or the right and how that might look. Their faces might be okay to look at too.
WOW. good job cracka. you’re the solid gold kingshit of fuck mountain.
You guys are just jealous because I get more pussy than you do. Plus I leave ‘em satisfied, unlike you losers.
“Plus I leave ‘em satisfied, unlike you losers. ”
Why do women fake orgasms? Because they think we care.
i’m usually told i look like whichever dark-haired, vampyric-looking dude is famous lately.
smoggy looks like this:
http://images.teamtalk.com/08/10/800×600/New-Zealand-Fans-Australia-New-Zealand-Rugby-_1399568.jpg
# 637: As soon as I get broadband at home, I’m going to buy my own StrikeStar station!
# 642: Which one? Tongue Man?
Cracka, do you sparkle?
they don’t have electricity out that far into the woods yet or what?
lilith,
i have no idea what the fuck you’re talking about right now…or usually ever.
so you look like that kid from Twilight?
Jesus, even Ben understood that I was talking about the vampire from Twilight who “sparkles” in the daylight. Get with the program, Cracka.
I have a friend who took his daughter to a showing of the movie. He swears all the girls were staring at the screen and reciting dialog from the book.
Cracka,
You look like Jared Leto?
#646: We get electricity as soon as the oxen can drag the Leyden jars in to town.
I’m hoping broadband works out better than the last newspaper I took. Delays getting it to me, and nothing but society gossip - something about a Boston Tea Party.
yeah, i heard jared leto a few times…say back in the early otts. it helps hide the fact that i’m kind of a crappy singer.
now that i’m married i think i’ll grow a beard and get fat.
Is that fair to Mrs. Cracka?
actually, no. i keep trying to get fat and stinky but she makes me exercise and shower. it’s not fair.
Jared Leto wears eyeliner and mascara. Do you wear eye makeup?
i don’t know how fat any of you are but i’ve long yearned for the freedom of being a fat, lazy pig. oh, the sweet, stinky joy of wallowing in your own filth!
that’s it for this cracka.
ben went off on some weird ben hissy fit that put us all to sleep…at least he did it over my lunch hour.
lilith came back with jokes this time.
nun is still a whore…yada yada yada
shut up…fuck off…you know the drill.
eye makeup? no, not in my every day life.
going to the grocery store. better put on this eyeliner first. there we go…now i’m ready to buy some milk.
seriously, though-fuck off, everyone.
Have a nice weekend, Cracka!
That’s been my best joke so far!
if you have to tell people it’s a joke, well it’s not really a joke then is it?
blow it out your ass Lilith.
Oh, don’t be bad tempered, boys! You have a nice weekend too!
It’s been very fun watching ben’s latest hissy fit from a safe distance.
Ben. I got out of line about your cat. I apologized from my tree-fucking heart. The Tree Gods know I love cats.
Seriously, dude, if the shit on this thread gets under your skin, why do you stick around?
I stick around for the laughs but people can get annoying and repetitive sometimes.
i think the goal of this board has always been to be funny, and it hasn’t been all that funny for a while. this place used to be hilarious. we just don’t have enough (real) Bridgette’s around here to keep it entertaining. You can count me convinced that our Bridgette is not real, it has to be God. Only God could stay in character that long. how does a site like pharyngula get so many right wing nutjobs. that’s what this place needs to become really interesting.
whoa, 666. didn’t even realize that i got the satanic post. sorry smoggy.
ben #666, that’s cuz a lot of the regulars don’t come here as often.
Okay, I’m going to take a break and just read for awhile, unless I can think of a gut-busting joke. Maybe it’s just me, but i find repetitive humor funny. It’s inside jokes between people who like each other and are around each other every day.
Anyone (ben) who finds this site repetitive and annoying should head to Atrios.
Atrios: I just popped a zit.
Comments (1,234)
ben,
You wouldn’t know a joke if it came up and bashed you upside your faggy head. You have a poor sense of humor, you’re overly sensitive and can’t separate this blog from the insults you receive in real life so you take everything personally and then throw little bitch-fits. You have the nerve to tell a stand-up comedian who is making a go of it in that profession how to do stand-up. I have no doubt that you would tell a nuclear scientist how to do his/her job as well. You’re entitled to your opinion but I don’t think it really means that much. Why bother about a person who has to have jokes explained to him.
Anne is right. Why the fuck are you even here?
geez…calm down Nun. like i already said, i’m here for the laughs. God and his articles, cracka, and yoyo make me laugh consistently. i play along as the goat too and try to make jokes too. i try to give josh constructive criticism because i’m trying to help him. i think just because you get on stage and talk doesn’t mean you know jack shit about being funny. i could give you about 1,000 people who fit that description. being funny is an instinct. i would never tell a nuclear scientist how to do his job though cuz you have to go to school for that.
i don’t have a poor sense of humor and i’m not sensitive. whenever i have thrown a bitch-fit it was just to stay in line with my role and liven things up a bit.
i’m also here i guess because sports message boards and other places like pharyngula don’t give you the latitude to say whatever you want.
Josh #668, you’re right alot of the funny people who used to come here like the jew and bloodvork don’t anymore because they find people like Nun annoying and repetitive.
you know for all the unfunny and mean things she says, i actually like Nun.
but you bitches are right. why do i come here? if Nun doesn’t like you you don’t belong here anymore because this is her fucking special place to hold court about the x-files and who she wishes she could fuck.
you won’t see me anymore i promise.
ben said: ” whenever i have thrown a bitch-fit it was just to stay in line with my role and liven things up a bit.”
I’m sorry, ben but your bitch-fits have grown repetitive and annoying.
when did Ben give me advice? I missed it.
you guys think way too much about stuff
You’re black, Josh. You didn’t miss it, you just couldn’t read it. Sorry homie.
Silly Hume. I don’t think, I’m a vagina and God did not give us the ability to think rational thoughts. Josh doesn’t think either, he’s black.
Hume, that comment was much too insightful to be healthy for you. Another dose of laudanum, STAT!
Sound advice, young lady.
I would love to fuck Sarah up the ass, I know God hates anal but I think it would be worth it.
Wow. I leave the board for a couple of days….
…and absolutely nothing happens.
Except that nun’s been obsessing about me. But that’s usual.
Oh well. it probably won’t surprise any of you to know that I am, in reality, Lord Flashheart.
And that’s why British humour rules! Thanks for the clip, Smoggy, I love Blackadder!
Heh… isn’t he great. The young smoggies are almost old enough to be allowed to watch Blackadder. I have a whole list of things they must watch before they are allowed to begin dating and going out in public.
That’s a wonderful sentiment for Father’s Day, Smoggy.
last time i saw a mouth like that
it had a hook in it
ben left again. i’ll be damned.
who else can nun alienate?
She loves the x-files and she is good at alienating people. Maybe she’s an alien?
I keep trying to alienate you, Cracka but to no avail. You’re still here.
ben’s a fucking pussy. Any woman with a backbone would be too much for him. I’m also not the only one who made him cry. Who repeatedly told him to “shut up”, Cracka? Remember his last bitch-fit. EVERYBODY KEEPS TELLING ME TO SHUT UP!! WAAAHAAAA!!! Check back, I don’t tell ben to “shut up”. It’s not my schtick.
i’m not the type of person who is easily offended…in fact, if it’s apparent to me that someone is actually trying to offend me i just one-up whatever they say until they realize that there is no bottom to my well of disgust…it’s a deep, dark hole…just like, well—you know.
as for ben:
shut up, ben.
i don’t think ben is really a pussy. he’s playing along and then i think he thinks you don’t know he’s playing along…i bet right now he’s playing along and you’re refusing to NOT be a bitch because that would be worse than him not being a pussy and yoyo is old and johnson’s unicorn is stuck in traffic right now so we’re going to have to wait to see what she thinks.
ben is the type that offends easily and inconsolably weeps all night long. Don’t blame his latest puss-out on me.
why not?
you have the vagina already; might as well take blame for a man’s weakness.
You know, it would be funny if you’re right about ben, Cracka. He bitches and moans about how nobody here besides you and Yo are funny and then he repeatedly cries at a lame attempt at humor. I think the word for that would be “ironic”.
Always loved the Black Adder series. “I have a cunning plan.” “Oh? Is it as cunning as a fox, who are used to be Professor of Cunning at Oxford University, but had moved on and is now working for the UN, at the high commission of International Cunning planning?”
Sod off, ben.
#691: That made sense. Time to up my meds.
maybe ben wants a quickening?
i don’t know how i could carry around any more…
it’s such a big ONE!!!!
that may have been a mistake.
Rent a wheelbarrow, pad it with pillows.
Your whole life is a mistake, Cracka. I’d think you’d be used to that by now.
Did anybody notice that ben claimed to move to Jersey a couple months ago? I found that funny because that’s what he claimed a whole lot more than a couple months ago… in fact, I think it was last year that he said he moved to Jersey. He says nobody pays attention to the personal stuff he says and that’s not accurate. I paid attention, I just never believed he was being truthful.
can i take a moment to point out how much nobody gives a shit?
Of course you can but ben will cry.
#704: supported.
And every time ben cries, a faerie loses its wings.
I remember him saying he was going to move. Later on he started saying he had moved.
Poor faeries… with as often as ben cries there’s probably no more faerie wings.
Did any of you watch that video footage of that Iranian woman dying?
A friend told me about it - very graphic, she was surprised it got on TV without blurring.
A scary place. I hope the protestors win out, but I remember Tienimen Square.
I’m surprised it wasn’t blurred on network television as well. It’s weird watching the soul leave a body.
Yes, it is!
Bombs are flying - people are dying,
children are crying and politicians are lying too.
Cancer’s killing, Texaco’s spilling,
the whole world’s gone to hell, but how are you?
I’m super.
I don’t have a kid for the summer. I can’t decide if I’m happy or sad.
i’m okay.
just okay.
Damn New Jersey Turnpike! No respect for the ultimate green driving machine — my unicorn!
ARRRGGGHHHH!! I’m going to have nightmares now.
http://www.cinematical.com/photos/alice-in-wonderland/2098089/
♫ It’s the end of the world as we know it,
It’s the end of the world as we know it,
and I feel fine.
Nun, that looks like one of my grandmother’s friends.
or Cracka’s bass player.
That looks like a nightmare, Yo. A fucking nightmare!!
I never cared for Alice in Wonderland and now I care for it even less. I don’t EVER want to fuck Johnny Depp if he looks anywhere close to that.
He looks like Carrot Top, except less psycho.
I hates Carrot Top, and would pay Real Money to punch him in the face.
Josh, what’s your Carrot Top thoughts?
HA!! Somebody punched Perez Hilton in the back of the head. HAHAHA! Unfortunately, he’s still able to talk which means he wasn’t punched hard enough.
carrot top overplucks his eyebrows. plus he only works out his upperbody. and he isn’t funny. dudes got issues.
for Nun:
http://dlisted.com/node/32631
Carrot Top is very good at what he does. If you like prop comics, which I don’t, at all, then he is great.
dude is a millionaire many times over.
HA!! “Not being completely addicted to the snatch has done him some good.”
Some of those people are brutal though… “He banged all of the cute right out Tea Leoni, didn’t he?”… harsh.
Photos from this day are all over the internet, at least dlisted had the heart to take out the pictures that showed their children… especially since they’re totally dissing their parents. Go ahead and call me a sap, Josh.
As for whether I’d hit it or not… yes, I probably would, if he’d keep his fucking mouth shut and wore a condom.
i miss ben.
BWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA!!!!!!
People who wish to become famous have checked their soul at the door. If they are foolish enough to venture into public, let the paparazzi have at them.
I disagree with Nun about Alice. It is a marvelous exercise in logic.
great. now nun’s going to go off on some boring tangent about celebrities again.
fuck.
maybe i’ll be back tomorrow.
shut up, ben.
Foppl said: “It is a marvelous exercise in logic.”
It’s a marvelous exercise in nightmares. DAMN YOU, FOPPL!
How dare you disagree with me. 
.
.
.
Just to play devil’s advocate, Foppl, some people end up famous when fame isn’t really what they were going for. Some just want to work in the craft of their calling and end up famous for it. Some of them are famewhores and can’t get enough of the cameras in their faces… fuck them I say but the rest, I feel a small amount of sympathy for.
I am a celebrity
I am famous
I am a famous celebrity
I AM SMOGGY!
One day my nipple slip will be seen on the red carpet at Cannes.
I’m back from the inbred family reunion and music fest.
What did I miss?
Don’t let’em say you ain’t beautiful…whoaaa…
they can all get fucked just stay true to you….oh whoa whoa
“oh whoa whoa”?
You sound like a ponygirl…
Jim, you missed the rapture!
‘ponygirl’ - Smoggy, I want to party with you!
Nun, the Alice books gave me a headache, I always wondered if Lewis Carroll had been indulging in laudenum or smoking hash when he wrote them. I like some logic in my books, and they always reminded me of dreams I had when I was ill.
What the fuck is a “ponygirl”? Our anonymous guest is quoting Eminem but I have no idea why.
Jim,
First, the Earth cooled. Then the dinosaurs came but they got too big and fat so they all died and turned to oil. Then the Arabs came and bought Mercedes Benzes. Then Prince Charles started wearing all Lady Di’s clothes. One day he took her best dress and went to town.
.
.
.
Who knows what that’s from?
Yo,
Carroll was strung out. I believe it was opium and Alice in Wonderland was a fucking trip… a bad one, I’d say. Nothing that should be read to a small child who fears the flying monkeys from The Wizard of Oz. I was six and had nightmares for weeks about falling down endless rabbit holes and running into all kind of creepy people. Even the Cheshire Cat scared me and I love cats. Damn book gave me the heebie-jeebies.
Oh yeah… this is for Cracka because I know how he loves famous people. God has released Ed McMahon from his mortal bonds.
Ed McMahon got the last laugh; he didn’t have to pay those taxes.
God wanted that money to eat, He didn’t want the government to have it. I guess that’s why McMahon is dead now.
I miss my son. What the hell is wrong with me that I can’t enjoy my time away from being a full-time mom?
It’s not my snatch’s fault, Cracka so just shut up.
it’s not your fault. it’s your snatch’s.
Nun, I feel bad for you regarding your son. I have similar experiences when my wife leaves town. It’s fun for a couple of days (no interruptions while reading, no guilt in having a beer, etc.), but it grows old quickly.
Take heart, for he will return and tow hours later you can ask yourself, “Why did I miss him?”
tow = two
Where is your son, Nun? Juvenile detention?
Thanks, Foppl. I know you’re absolutely right about how I’ll feel when I get my little loser back. I don’t know why I love him so. It’s not like he’s ever done anything for me. I think I’ll call him and tell him how much he hasn’t done for me and how much he sucks because of it. I think I’ll also tell him that I’m thinking of trading him in for a better kid who does shit for me. I think that will be a good boost to his self-esteem.
His grandparents for the summer, Lilith. I miss the little bastard and I resent him for making me miss him so.
I bet Ed McMahon has a new gig in Heaven now, standing at the Pearly Gates and saying “Heeeere’s Jesus!”
And then laughing sycophantically at all Jesus’ jokes.
YES!! You are correct, Sir!
I just found this through a link on rotten.com. Does God visit rotten.com or boners.com? God visiting either site makes me love Him even more.
http://www.boners.com/grub/805561.html
shut up, lilith.
And the illustrations for Alice! Creepy people with giant heads and bad teeth!
Ponygirl defined: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ponygirl
Special times, special times.
Wow. I feel a little ignorant. Here I thought I was a pervert but I didn’t realize that Yo was more perverted than I. I already knew Smoggy was more freakishly perverted than I.
As for Alice, nightmares… just call it “The Give Your Kid Nightmares Book”. The pictures for the new movie also look nightmarish. Helena Bonham Carter as the Queen of Hearts… creepy and nightmarish. Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter… creepy and nightmarish. Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum… creepy and nightmarish. Even Anne Hathaway as Alice is creepy and nightmarish.
Shut up, Cracka. Or maybe you want to be my pony-boy?
Cracka doesn’t ever have anything meaningful to discuss and he never likes anything we talk about. I guess “shut up” is the only response Cracka has available to him.
Sorry Nun, three years ina fraternity, six years in the Army National Guard, a year of Grad school and being in I/T will take the clean edge of anyone.
I can’t walk past Randy’s Leather in the local mall without getting a boner.
shut up, lilith.
nun, still with the longwinded insults that no one bothers to read. do you have a template you use for this blog or something?
Now that Ben’s gone, Cracka has no one to say “shut up” to except me, I guess. Poor Cracka.
I don’t mind if Cracka tells me to “shut up” though. I always imagine him saying it in a Valley Girl voice: shut U-UP!
Piss off, retard.
Was that short enough so you could actually read it, Cracka?
Yo said: “I can’t walk past Randy’s Leather in the local mall without getting a boner.”
I have the same affliction, Yo. Only it’s not a ‘boner’ that I’m getting.
Mmmmm… leather and bondage… mmmm.
leather and bondage… I wanna party with you!
Are you even capable of that kind of partying anymore, Yo? I wouldn’t want to break your cock.
I want to get together a betting pool as to when ben returns. We’ll have to do it via e-mail, so he won’t lurk ‘n jerk.
submit your bets to God. God will declare the winner.
I’m betting ben’s already lurking and jerking.
Hey, what I used to do all night, now takes all night to do!
(With a break around 10:30, so I can watch the news and take my Centrum.)
i’ve submitted my ben prediction to God.
You guys ever seen a sprained penis? It’s what happens to a hapless penis when he engages in sexual intercourse with a heathen whore who rides him violently and viciously until she bends said cock in half. Poor bastard.
#766: Good idea.
#767: supported.
I wonder if God is too busy smiting mortals across the globe to give a rat’s ass about our ben wager.
he’s freakin’ omniscient.
He also does a lot of drugs.
I’ve sent my Ben prediction to God too. Oooo, this is so exciting! Who will win? Who will lose?
God already knows my prediction, so I didn’t see a need to email it to him.
jim, God does a LOT of drugs.
oooh, 777…the guy that lives one block down from the beast.
Yeah, Jim. With all the drugs that God does, He might not realize which Jim you are. If you’re not careful, the Jim that lives on the next block over will get credit for knowing when ben came back.
I’ve submitted my ben bet to God.
How will God collect on the vig?
same way he always does yoyo—-mysteriously.
LOL!! Spin around. Ninjas!
http://video.msn.com/?mkt=en-us&vid=7b99aa4c-a7b7-4a73-b23c-86cb59da755e&playlist=videoByUuids:uuids:b249d297-3fc9-4b0a-9189-14d32d6aabde%2Cc4a0f5e9-0929-43db-8df9-9de5e815af67&from=MSNHP&tab=m3>1=42006
Oh fuck!! Fonzie’s been cloned! What the effing crap? That angel guy just felt me up! That video is fucking hilarious.
I thought my supply of Percodan was a little light these days, God musta gotten into them…
Funny!
That video is fucking killing me. I could watch it over and over again… well, I have actually.
Emo kid flipped her the bird. You can tell by her staring that she hasn’t been with a man for a long time. HA!!
Am I the only person who thinks the singer does a damn fine job of mimicking Bonnie Tyler? She sounds a lot like her.
That. Was. Beautiful.
The gayest man on Earth would say this has got to stop.
Mullet with headlights.
Fucking classic.
Whiskey voice is sexy.
That video is my new obsession, behind The X-Files, of course. And Star Wars. I’m going to rape and pillage the internet and steal it for my very own harddrive. I’m an internet pirate.
Look, God hates Ethiopia.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20090623/sc_afp/ethiopiafarmlocusts
So THAT’S what God is up to today. He warmed up by killing Ed McMahon and then smote Ethiopia.
God is full of Divine Rage.
One white guy, but a whole nation of darkies. Go figure.
No, the two smitings are actually equivalent in value. McMahon’s net worth was probably equal to that of the entire nation of Ethiopia. And you know, McMahon was almost bankrupt, so that’s not saying much for Ethiopia.
Anne Hathaway is not creepy Alice. She is the creepy White Queen. Obviously I was so traumatized by Alice and her creepy cronies that I never bothered to find out what the characters’ real names are. Fucking nightmarish fictional characters!!
Those were fictional? Who knew.
Can
it
Be ME!?
ONE! Hah, I needed that. I spent the morning dumping the holding tank on my RV.
I can state categorically that my shit indeed DOES stink.
TMI, Jim, TMI.
do go on, jim.
lilith, shut up.
It was truly magnificent, Cracka…
Sometimes I wish I didn’t live so far out in the weeds; I couldn’t share that moment with my closest neighbors.
interesting.
poop, you say?
wow.
you see lilith, this is the kind of commenting this blog needs.
You see, Cracka, this is why the rest of us think you’re a fucking bonehead.
What can I say, Cracka and Jim? Your standards are just too impossibly high for me.
I depart, defeated.
Only temporarily, of course. Don’t get your hopes up, Cracka.
shut up ben
Tell us more about cleaning out the turd tank.
That video was hysterical … but now I can’t get the fucking song out of my head!
Dammit Nun! Total eclipse of my brain!
Hey pukes, they hired me full time at the Vo-Tech.
Hurrah! Congrats, Annie!
The Great Goddess Laxshmi showered you with her abundance, Anne! Congratulations!
Errr…I thought God was responsible for this…
Way to go, Anne! Now maybe you can take vacations and get to a bluegrass festival of your own. I can’t wait for my next one, to see all those fine-assed sister/cousins again…
Spin around. Ninjas!
Best. Video. Ever. I raped and pillaged the internet last night so now it’s mine, mine, mine.
Is this really a “congratulations” thing for Anne or is it more like a “you have my sympathy” kind of thing?
In this day and age, I would think full-time employment would be a very good thing to have, Nun. I sincerely celebrate Anne’s good fortune. Mr. J is probably getting tired of supporting her broke ass, anyway.
# 816 — You’re so naive, Yo Yo.
She was a sub, Jim. I believe she was a sub for years and very well must have enjoyed that or else she wouldn’t have done it for so long. It may not necessarily be a good thing that she has to go to work full-time. Hence my question.
“She was a sub…” True - I knew she wasn’t a dom.
con-
grat-
ulations?
You’re just a perv, Yo and stuck on bondage. Now I am too, thanks a lot.
I worked 10 years as a seasonal employee, but my goal was always to be hired permanent full-time. Perhaps this was Anne’s aspiration, too? Although looking back, it was great being able to take every summer off to go fishing and shit…
Yeah, I want to know if this is what she wanted. Or if she had to.
Anne, comments? Or are you too busy working?
When Yo Yo says, “On your knees”, he means, ON YOUR KNEES!
vulture costumes ain’t free people.
I wish I could do the Scully/Spock eyebrow at Yo’s comment 828. They need to make an emoticon for that.
Bondage is a-ok but if someone really expected me to play the part of a submissive slave, they’d have another thing coming.
Yes, Nun, how could you be anything other than a dominatrix? And I do mean Yes, Nun; YES, NUN!!
Honestly, Lilith. I’d be a crappy dominatrix. Don’t ask me how I know that.
I’m picturing Sarah Palin in latex…
It’s like this. I’m a lazy ass who doesn’t want to work 60 hours a week (teaching and going to night school to get fully certified). However, in this economic climate, only a first-class douchebag would turn down a job with benefits.
See, I love my part-time at Della’s Dominatrix Den, but they don’t pick up the cost of the supplies. I can’t raise my rates (damn economy again).
Wow, a slow day here, also slow at Facebook. I actually had to make conversation with meat-people.
Anne, perhaps your dominatrix training will come in handy while teaching teenagers. I think lion taming skills could be equally useful. Anything that gives you proficiency with whips and chairs would serve the purpose, really.
# 835 — Yes, things have been slow here since the big blow-up with Ben. I think we’re all just emotionally drained from that experience.
Maybe you just have to be from Philadelphia to just love the fuckin shit outta this.
http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/blog/shutdown_corner/post/Joanna-Krupa-gives-Terrell-Owens-the-Terrell-Owe?urn=nfl,172404
You don’t have to be from Philly to enjoy that, Anne.
I MISS MY SON!! Damn me for missing my son!
DAMN ME!!! 
I miss Ben.
Jim is a fag.
shut up jim.
Almost a jinx! Nun and I think alike.
God will never hate Terrell Owens. It’s been done.
i miss ben, too.
what a great shutter-upper that guy was.
(lifts shot glass)
here’s to you, ben…you giant, stinky pussy.
We all know that ben isn’t gone. People can’t resist seeing what other people say about them. Hi, ben.
ben is a vagina.
Don’t say anything that might tempt Ben to come back. At least not until the day comes that I picked in the board pool.
Gosh darn it, agreement, Lilith. Let’s not say anything until Friday-
I wonder if the Arthur Fonzerelli clones are as much fun as the Scully clones that Smoggy met in hell.
One Fonz is too many.
Hey, God: Teenzilla actually thought “Good Lord” was funny! She wanted to know if there were any other episodes!
And Train Wreck has made the Ursinus College home page. Among the changing photos, she’s the one at the radio control board … churning out “Music To Vomit By.”
Seriously, Cracka, Train Wreck thinks Zappa is too tame.
here’s the Train Wreck link:
http://www.ursinus.edu
at least she doesn’t listen to clearchannel music…
a lot of the kids like the noiserock/grindcore/whatever-the-eff-they’re-calling-it-these-days, um, these days. thinking of calling my noise band either:
one bad ninja, or
the dark dark dark
which one sucks less?
yes, i am a band whore.
Anne,
Does your daughter have a copy of FZ’s “Hot Rats?” It really holds up well after all these years.
I love his music, but I made the mistake of reading a biography and it toatlly soured me on the guy. He was a misanthrope of the highest caliber.
What’s wrong with hating humanity, Foppl? I do that everyday to the best of my ability.
See my hate?
Hating humanity in general is perfectly fine. Mr. Zappa rat-fucked, in a serial manner the very people who helped him. That’s just wrong.
he was kind of a dick, they say.
a weird genius dick.
you know when you’re talking to a serious audiophile when “joe’s garage” is too mainstream for them.
Fucking people over is pretty fucked up.
“Your mouth is your religion,
you put your faith in a hole like that?”
I always liked that one.
# 853 — How about Bad Ninja Dark? I like the sound of it.
I guess now is not a good time to mention that I just love easy-listening instrumental music with nature sounds mixed in.
I agree, Bad Ninja Dark is a good choice.
lilith-862
why don’t you take the afternoon off from hating men and munching on the damaged box of whatever fatass you most recently drug out of the gutter to teach her how to use her illusory superiority as an excuse to not shave her legs and just quietly hang yourself…
was that even a sentence?
bad ninja dark?
hard to say, doesn’t look good on a flyer.
maybe i’ll ask you guys for advice on how to avoid becoming old and lonely and bitter.
Ooooooh, Cracka, get a handle on your hostility, my man, it’s not healthy for your blood pressure.
first one’s inevitable
second one’s already here
middle one—i need more quickenings!!!
Too late to ask for advice, Cracka, you’re already old and lonely and bitter.
Go ahead, Cracka, you have the quickening — you need it more than me.
Cracka?
my hostility is my schtick, lilith.
without that, all i have is money, health, beauty, love and youth. can you even imagine?
Are you there, Cracka, or did you just have a stroke?
Cracka said: “why don’t you take the afternoon off from hating men and munching on the damaged box of whatever fatass you most recently drug out of the gutter to teach her how to use her illusory superiority as an excuse to not shave her legs and just quietly hang yourself…”
You know, Cracka, I remember I said once that I didn’t care what city you were from and you cried and ran away because I was “mean” yet you think it’s not mean but funny to say things like that. Are you fucking retarded or what?
Lilith said: “Too late to ask for advice, Cracka, you’re already old and lonely and bitter.”
Supported.
Don’t make me laugh.
Seriously, you don’t make me laugh.
um…..kay…..slowly backing away and replacing self with lifesized cardboard cutout of self.
all right then…
yep…
uhhhhhhhh…………
don’t mind me as i sneak out the door and race down the street.
Sometimes I think you’re as clueless as ben, Cracka. Sorry. You never would have garnered such comparisons if you hadn’t cried because I didn’t give a flying fuck where you live.
Jesus tapdancing christ. I just got home from my physical therapy session. There was a gal there who wheeled herself in on her own with a brand-new scar on her knee that matches the one on my knee from 10 years ago. They were working her leg over, AND her upper body so she could use a walker and/or crutches more easily. She was complaining about the upper body stuff more, because it was stretching out her fresh sentinal-node biopsy scar.
God damn it.
that’s not exactly how it went. it wasn’t an emotional situation for me.
now, if this was a suicide hotline, my comment might have been a little too much. but it isn’t, i was just elaborately overreacting to lilith’s misguided appreciation for instrumental light jazz.
maybe you need to have intercourse with something.
879: Supported.
Easy listening is the scourge of iTunes.
Try some Splitlip Rayfield. Good for what ails ya.
You said something about me being mean, Cracka. I know you’re a man and you don’t understand anything “emotional” but that’s what that is… it’s being “emotional”. I imagine you were down-hearted cuz you didn’t have a penis and all.
I’d tell you to go fuck something but you can’t. HAHA!!
Jim,
I realize that you’re aroused from your physical therapy session and all the blood is now between your legs and not in your head but you just supported yourself.
Still filled with rage from watching that multi-smoten woman at the PT office.
878.
What is going on around here? Why are presumably full-grown men having emotional meltdowns all of a sudden? First Ben, now Cracka . . . good grief, who’s next? Yo Yo?
Lilith,
Governor Sanford
i’m not having an emotional anything. i’m just sitting here. thinking about drinking. quoting muddy waters. no big deal.
i’m having a hard time figuring out what upset you so much about the woman at physical therapy, jim.
she had a scar, she got an upper body massage…God damn it!!
Rage and arousal are inter-changeable, Jim. You think you’re full of rage because she was violently smited when you really just want to violently bang her.
And Cracka is right, he hasn’t been emotional since his initial freak-out. I suspect he didn’t know he had feelings until I hurt them and then he ripped them out and stomped them into the ground. It’s what I did when I realized I had feelings.
Yo Yo already had his emotional break-down when he accused me of pushing Curtis away. And people wonder why I say men are pussies.
nun has about 5 emotional breakdowns per day. but she’s a woman…so it’s someone else’s fault.
i wasn’t emotional on that day, either. i told the bitch that her sarcasm often sounds humorless and malicious. she took that as me having hurt feelings. she reads emotions and intent into things a lot…again, she’s a woman.
And then you cried and ran away. You came back later and said you didn’t know what happened. Don’t try to deny your emotional breakdown, Cracka. It still exists on God’s Divine Blog.
As for myself, you guys try but you can’t hurt my feelings. I have no feelings. I’m nothing like most females you meet on a daily basis. I think that’s why Yo didn’t believe I was actually a woman for the longest time.
i didn’t start out mad…you goaded me into getting mad by constantly telling me i was mad…do you have any idea how mad that make a person!!!
FUCK!!!!!!
WHORE!!!!!!!
if you want to elicit emotion from nun just say something she disagrees with. she’ll freak out.
I’m laughing at you like Nelson from The Simpsons.
You also forgot the cranky face, pussy.
Cracka said: “if you want to elicit emotion from nun just say something she disagrees with. she’ll freak out.”
I call shenanigans. Josh does not believe that the new X-Files movie is quality entertainment yet he still lives and breathes.
I could have laughed at that woman if it was just her leg that was mangled, but at the same time she’s having to go through chemo and radiation for her breast cancer. Even I can take time out from my hatred to feel a little compassion for a fellow human being, especially one that was kinda hot.
i see.
she was kind of hot.
makes sense now.
(ugly people deserve it)
Especially if they’re fatty, fat tubs of lard.
Yes, Cracka, that’s how I roll.
897: Especially them.
one?
OK, I’ll just go fuck off, now…
fuck off, jim.
shut up, ben…shut up wherever you are (sniffle, sniffle). shut up, little buddy.
stagelights dim…spotlight fades out on main character…cue applause…aaaaaaaaaaaand curtain.
Have fun fucking off on that cancer-titty-chick with your new-fangled quickened penis, Jim.
Yeah and maybe you should tie a pink ribbon around it to show your support for fighting breast cancer.
I can’t have any respect for a governor who cheats hetero. Here in NJ, our governors quietly go to their loverboys and give them high-paying state sinecures. We do everything so much better in New Jersey.
Cracka, why don’t you call your band The Fluffy White Unicorns? I would so come to see you, even if I had to sit in your garage.
If your music sounds like 10,000 people simultaneously being crushed by heavy machinery, Train Wreck will love it.
I’m touched by the concern showed over my leaving. I wonder which one of you guessed my return correctly.
God - I used those couple days off to go rape Willow Palin. Sex with a 14 year old girl is not as awesome as it sounds, but that’s what I do for you mighty Lord.
Damn you, Ben!
You made me lose the office pool. But even so, welcome back.
Fuck.
Totally lost that round.
Since you’re back, I apologize AGAIN for saying anything mean about your cat. Right now I have a male kitten, age four weeks, white with orange tabby blazes on head and tail. Feisty. Up for adoption near you.
YAY!!!
SHUT UP, BEN!!!!
you weren’t supposed to come back until monday.
Cracka, you didn’t thank me for the wonderful name I gave your band. I assume you’re just overwhelmed by my artistic genius.
Nun! Ben is back. Cue Elton John.
yeah, there’s already a band called “unicorns”
i was born a unicorn
i missed the ark but i coulda sworn
you’d waaaaaaaaait for meee-eeee-eeee
(some othere words i forgot)
then how come all the other
unicorns are deeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaad!!!!!!!!
they’re funny…
somewhere deep in the asshole of my heart
is a muscle that relaxes when you cry.
Guess God DID think I was that other Jim around the corner.
Moment of seriousness: Lillith, I DO support the race for the cure and all that stuff. Lost my mother to it, almost lost my kid sister to it. Lost my brother to pancreatic cancer, both my sisters and I all have varying degrees of skin cancer, as did my brother. Serious shit.
Cracka, you could combine your idea and Anne’s idea and call your band “Ninja Unicorns.” Oooooh, edgy.
Yes, Jim, cancer is a serious matter. I agree.
And now Farrah Fawcett’s butt cancer will take her away from us some time today, it appears. THAT has to hurt.
i have friends who have lost their moms to cancer way too young and another whose mother is going through chemo for the THIRD time. we all know cancer is serious. jim, lilith, you are somewhat noobish…here, on God’s divine blog, we are reverent about NOTHING. God hates cancer patients; that’s why they have cancer…duh.
unicorn ninjas?
Put that way, God’s ways aren’t so mysterious after all, are they?
Yes, we cannot forget the Almighty Smiting Hand of the Lord.
uh oh,
pz and God are about to go rounds:
http://scienceblogs.com/pharyngula/2009/06/another_myth_debunked_with_sci.php
Cracka, go for verisimilitude. Call your group the Peeling Paint Backdoor Band.
I see Anne’s higher education is already paying dividends.
i don’t like going for verisimilitude. tried it. injured my epiglottis.
besides, i don’t have a washboard or jug player.
# 926 — Whenever one of my girlfriends start moaning “Oh, God! Oh, Jesus!” I always stop whatever delightful sexual thing I’m doing and say “Stop giving credit to those male bastards, I’m the one doing all the work!”
So, at the risk of being boring or repetitive or both (because I’m sure Cracka has somewhere, in 100,000 comments, told people this before), what instruments exactly do you have in your band?
Or are you just into costumes and singing, like the Village People?
Cracka, are you green with envy that PZ has had 10,000 sexual encounters? You would probably have to live to be 450 to get that lucky.
Lilith, don’t forget to read “The Wild Hunt” today. Jason’s got some stuff up about Stonehenge.
That is, if you have a free hand for the computer.
this is a theoretical band i haven’t started yet. it’s going to be somewhat like this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ktwUq1l2eXw&feature=related
except with some electronics and vocal distortion.
that’s why it needs to named something about ninjas.
this one’s “good”:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x0_2Z3p2dVg&feature=related
at 450 yrs old, that stills averages out to over 20 per year.
is this some sort of misplayed attempt at an insult?
Spin around. Unicorn Ninjas!
Bonnie Tyler’s video would have been a lot better with unicorn ninjas.
If that’s the kind of band you intend to form, Train Wreck will be your first fan. And I’ll be your last.
Was that dude wearing a mask? Train Wreck loves bands where the performers wear masks.
i plan on expanding to 4 bands and one solo project
one band will be noisy crap with masks…yes.
I have a question for you cyber geeks that will make me appear to be technologically retarded. Oh well.
I have a file to email that is big… 37 MB… too large for my email. Compressing it into a RAR file does not make it small enough to email. Any suggestions? What the fuck do I do??
Speaking of Rar files… why does compressing only compress a file by approximately 1 MB? Seriously, what the fuck is that supposed to help?
What kind of file is it?
Video - AVI
I can’t help you unless you can edit the AVI’s into several smaller videos.
I think AVI’s are already compressed, hence the lousy luck in compressing it further.
Best of luck!
# 934 — Thanks for re-routing me to The Wild Hunt, Anne. I enjoyed several of the articles there. Those wacky Druids!
Can’t help ya, Nun–even those little EweTubes plug up my internets out here in the boonies, so I never bothered learning how to do stuff my ‘puter can’t process for me…
I’m not a cyber geek, just a geek.
Then please demonstrate your geekiness by explaining what “Foppl’s Siege Party” means. Is it just nonsense or does it actually refer to something? kthxbai
something literary…
something 20th century…
I just looked up “Foppl’s Siege Party” on the internet. OMG, I bet you’re the mysterious and reclusive Thomas Pynchon himself, AREN’T YOU?
something with a v?
J’accuse!
you can look up anything on those interwebs
Gosh, I hope Foppl’s Siege Party isn’t you, Cracka. Are you trying out a new persona?
i told you once, stankencrotch, i don’t do that.
fuckin’ lesbians…
Oh yes, that’s right. You DID tell me that once. I just don’t pay attention to anything you say.
I want comment #1000.
why would you pay attention to anything i say.
that would be more ridiculous than the things i actually say.
ben—-shut——up.
a milennial quickening gives you a penis so big that nun’s vagina can almost feel it. similar to those giant sandworms in “beetlejuice”.
Yay, GOD!
http://www.tmz.com/2009/06/25/michael-jackson-dies-death-dead-cardiac-arrest/
I’m not the illustrious Mr. Pynchon, just a hapless fan.
40 to go.
fuck.
i’m not gonna make it.
God’s smiting michael jackson!!! DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN!!!!
first farrah fawcet…now this…
is God just smiting plastic surgery disasters today or what?
God is great…
I have always felt a lot of sympathy for Michael Jackson and I never thought he was a molester of young boys. I think people forgot all the good things he did for kids over the years. As corny as it sounds, I hope he finds the peace in death that I don’t think he ever found in life.
Cracka said: “a milennial quickening gives you a penis so big that nun’s vagina can almost feel it. similar to those giant sandworms in “beetlejuice”.”
That’s cold, Cracka.
Has the MJ death been confirmed by anything besides TMZ? They’re about as good with the facts as FOX News.
The 70’s are dead! Long live the 80’s!
I’m wondering the same thing, Foppl. MSN says he’s in a coma.
I feel sorry for Farrah Fawcett. Not because she’s dead, but because her death will now be upstaged by Michael Jackson’s. Sort of like how Mother Teresa’s death was upstaged by Princess Diana’s.
Maybe he choked on nose spackle or something.
Teenzilla is weeping over Michael Jackson.
Whether or not he ever molested kids, he was THE most fucked-up entertainer of his generation. Before you dispute me, I include Cobain in that assessment.
LA Times sez it’s true now, too.
don’t know the man.
don’t care.
he could dance once. that was neat.
wonder what’s for dinner? oh, maybe it’s whiskey!!!
I never considered him to be very entertaining at all, Anne. Except that one song he did for Ben, anyway.
# 976 — You made me laugh, Cracka. Doesn’t happen that often, so I thought I’d let you know.
NOOOOO!!! OMG!!
Michael Jackson is dead!! 
Who is this Farrah Fawcett that Lilith speaks of?
Seriously though, I feel bad for Jackson’s kids.
I think Michael Jackson was a song and dance genius. And also, unfortunately, a pedophile. Tragic for all concerned.
# 977 — Michael Jackson did a special song for our Ben? OMG, who knew Ben had friends like that? You don’t happen to look like a 10 year old boy, do you Ben?
Ben the rat, Lilith.
Here ya go, Lilith:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aSqo17o2a1w
Ben
OMG, Ben the RAT?!? His picture! His picture!
Seriously, I know what “Ben” the Michael Jackson song refers to. I’m so old, I saw that movie when I was a teenager. Didn’t bother to see the recent remake, though.
Wow… Good night funny man.
RIP MJ
The remake was shit, Lilith. I still want my 90 minutes back.
sometimes it’s best just to smile and nod.
11 damn posts to go.
who’s going to get it?
Wonder if God performed that smiting on His own. Just doesn’t seem like one He’d send any angel to take care of.
josh will probably poke his fat chink head in just at the right moment. i hate that guy!!!!
God probably just wanted some help rehearsing for his next dance vid.
(the last one was subpar)
Who the fuck names their kid “Blanket”, anyway?
ben, say something!
Hope they have plenty of Pepsi and fireworks at the funeral
who names their kid jim?
i wonder if his many faces will get their own individual funerals?
well?
He beat it
one!!!
nice.
uh oh.
what’s happening?
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Awesome..
I had it changed from Cracka.
Think I’d rather go with a heart failure than with Butt Cancer.
God, was that her smiting for buttsex?
Cracka . . . Cracka . . . are you okay?
Why couldn’t God have killed, oh, Steve Gutenberg
instead?
Jeez, I though Steve Gutenberg WAS dead.
I’m glad I had to run out for kitten supplies, or I would have trashed my t.v. set. Michael Eric Dyson is such a moron!
Dyson: “Michael Jackson was the first to break the color barrier on MTV.”
WHAT YEAR WERE YOU BORN, MOTHAFUCKA? Michael Jackson had the top-selling album the year MTV started, and wicked cool videos for MTV from Day One.
Strange how I recall seeing Aretha Franklin on MTV in 1983. And Lionel Ritchie too.
Michael Jackson was born 7 months before me.
Congratulations, Carka, on achieving a dick large enough to qualify for the Redwood Forest.
i’m guessing anne has never said ‘motherfucker’
out loud in her entire life.
what are you? a gangsta fairy lover?
pick a personality and stick with it please
personally, I prefer mothrafucka, as in, one
who fucks mothras
Worst bummer of the day was God smiting Sky Saxon, lead singer from the Seeds, way back before most of ya’s were born…
Nun - way up there
You can use RAR to split your big file into severel smaller volumes. Just set it to something around 50000 and there you go.
geek lurker singing off.
Who lurks on this thread? Man/woman of steel!
Dear God,
My daughter Teenzilla, of her own accord, called your Mighty Video up and watched it for a second time! She digs the Holy Spirit.
Anyone have suggestions how to find God’s little piece of art on YouTube without going through this site? Teenzilla wants to share.
WTF????? Cracka, did you distribute rohypnol abundantly and skip me? Where is everybody?
Dear God,
Teenzilla is now reciting lines from “Good Lord.”
I’m too down-hearted to try to be funny. I feel like I did when Diana died. Damn you famous people I didn’t even know for always being there and making me care when you die. DAMN YOU ALL!
I did want to say thanks to Master Cyber Geek Lurker Nobody for post 1013. Thanks, bud. I’ll try that.
1013… good number.
hey guys,
what’s up? anything new?
Nothing new, Josh. Other than a few dead people in the news, unlike all the dead people NOT in the news.
For the record, I am still not dead.
Hume’s dead.
Check this out…
http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/MichaelJackson/story?id=7934658&page=1
Call me crazy but I see the resemblence between Jackson and his oldest son. It irritates me that the article mentions the kids’ light skin in the context of Jackson’s possible paternity. People are ignorant. Ignorant people don’t know my kid is mixed either.
I’m dead?
Don’t act like you didn’t know, Hume…
Hume doesn’t know, except sometimes when he finds himself eating brains.
I can remember crying over the news of dead celebrities, I just can’t remember who. Fucking alcohol. I used to have a great memory!
No tears for Michael Jackson, just sadness that he never really had a life to begin with.
I’ve missed you pukes today.
I felt so all alone. 
CURTIS! Come BAAAAAAAACCCCCKKKKKKK!
Holy fuck! I just saw Michael Jackson at the local Sonic drive-in!
I haven’t shed any tears for Michael Jackson but I am sad. I also feel horrible for his kids. I don’t know if I’d ever actually shed tears for a dead famous person since crying is for pussies. I can think of a couple people that were they to pass… maybe, just maybe I’d shed a tear or two but I won’t say their names. If God happened to smite them tomorrow, I’d feel responsible.
I should also clarify that I believe his oldest son resembles what Jackson used to look like. It irritates me that they keep saying he can’t be the biological father because they’re so white.
In that case, the guy I saw at Sonic might’ve been just some other white guy wearing a surgical mask.
Farrah Fawcett must have asked God to protect the little children when she got to heaven…
What?
To soon?
Not too soon. Topical humor has a short shelf-life…
Teenzilla and I are now appearing in “Good Lord Live.” I’m God, she’s the Holy Spirit. My, how we did entertain the people at the grocery store this afternoon! All of this is for the Glory of God, who I hope won’t smite the shit out of me in my new job.
God smote you by giving you that job.
Wear your vulture suit to command respect.
The ultimate compliment to God Almighty.
Teenzilla had a friend over to spend the night. They were on the computer after I went to bed. While I was reading, I heard some familiar dialogue spilling from the computer.
Yes, God. All on her own, Teenzilla showed Your Almighty Video to her friend. You have reached the most coveted demographic.
Blessings can be bestowed on Anne Johnson. Just bless every Anne Johnson in America, and You’ll be sure to get me in there somewhere.
WHY, God? When will this senseless smiting END?
DAMMIT, GOD!
I’M REALLY PISSED AT YOU THIS TIME! 
Isn’t everything in heaven already clean, odor-free, and held together with Divine angel dust? WHY DID YOU SMITE BILLY MAYS?????
Fuck. I am so fuckin crushed.
I wonder if God is part of the welcome tour in heaven. He must be super busy if He is. I wonder who’s causing Him the most trouble… is it Farrah running around in her red swimsuit with erect nipples and giving all the angels boners or is it Michael teaching Jesus how to moonwalk and grab His crotch?
Agreed, Anne. I was all for Him taking Jackson, and Farrah was suffering and deserved better. Sky Saxon wasn’t finished on this planet though, and Billy Mays had a LOT more commercials to make…
Somehow I think that Billy Mays is going to a hotter place than heaven. He’s gotta have some type of punishment for yelling at us for all of these years.
Bet Sully had him killed so he could have his own show.
WTF–I’M in a hotter place than heaven, and I didn’t do anything to deserve it, like bumping my head or taking drugs or catching butt cancer or…
113° F outside right now.
113? Sure you didn’t piss God off?
Well duh, he IS a vengeful God! And I take back that part about not taking drugs…
Jim, don’t you live in California? Isn’t it pretty much always hot there?
Speaking of California, we haven’t heard much from Smoggy about the weather lately, have we? It’s officially winter in New Zealand.
I hope Billy Mays is in heaven. God deserves Billy Mays.
1043: Be honest and take back the part about catching butt cancer too.
The lead should read, “All Gods” as there are many too numerous to mention.
All Gods Hate All Palins
No Anne, I’m next door to California in Nevada. I can SEE California from my house, though, and it looks like it’s about as hot there as it is here.
If Russ is your real name, at least it’s better than Rush. But a little close for comfort. Maybe it’s time for a change.
All Gods don’t hate all Palins! I’m the resident expert on Gods that aren’t THE God. Some of those Gods don’t give a rat’s ass about the Palins, except as a source of humor.
However, the deities of the Arctic (Sedna and Negafook) detest the Palins with the white hot intensity of ten thousand supernovas.
Jim, if you can see California from your home in Nevada, you’ve gotta be in that dry-as-dirt desert country. Why don’t you move to Appalachia? Bluegrass all the time, and the mountains have trees.
MMMMmmmMMMMMmmmmmMMMMmmmmm! Treeeeeees!
Well, I am, but don’t forget that most of the Sierra Nevada is also on the border. Most of my life I lived up there, but snow and age don’t always go hand in hand.
I’m sort of an economic hostage here. Debt-free, but in a real estate market that won’t let me sell and improve my lot in life. That’s why I’m on God’s Divine Blog. I can bitch freely, and get laughed at for it. There’s a certain amount of comfort in that.
Hey God,
Stop being lazy and partying during PRIDE week in NYC.
Put up a new post!!!!
It’s PRIDE week everywhere gays are allowed to be proud in the US. Would God even get His Divine Freak on at an event named after a seven deadly sin? Personally, I think God is just too busy killing mortals.
God has answered my prayers! It’s down to 110° now. I feel MUCH better.
Here in Chicago, I’ve seen many at the Pride Parade Dressed as Jesus. Wonder if The real Son is partying with them in Boys Town.
He could easily mix in with the crowd.
God’s on a celebrity-smiting orgy. But WHY BILLY MAYS?
I love Billy Mays. It was my lifelong fantasy to do it with Billy Mays in a vat of OxyClean. 
Anyone who would stick his nose in a live skunk to prove how an odor-remover works is MY DREAM MAN. 
Damn you, God. Why didn’t you smite that greasy ShamWow guy?
Maybe you can add the ShamWow guy to the pool for who’s next.
I got Nancy Reagan…