Prepare thyself, he who sees this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Jig of God, as jigged by THE LORD HIMSELF!
584 Responses to “The Almighty Jig”
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so THAT’S how you’re supposed to dance!!!
Yes, only open-toed jigs are allowed.
Wow. You know I’m full of massive amounts of love for You, God but that’s kind of lame.
Created the universe in six days and can’t dance as well as a ten-year-old in tap shoes.
I think what this really proves is that God is white and has no rhythm.
Damn… You can dance so much better than this humble servant and failure of creation. Please bless me with Your Holy rhythm.
Of course He’s white…
Unfortunately, He made me whiter.
YOU’RE LAME!
Yeah, but it’s Your fault…
Impressive come-back, God.
DAMN YOU! WHAT COULD POSSIBLY BE LAME ABOUT ME DANCING A JIG?! DAMN YOOOO!!
Nun is just flattering you, Jealous. You can’t dance worth shit.
Do you have sound on your pitiful computer? If you’re too poor too afford sound, it might seem lame.
I’ve worked on this animation for weeks.
That isn’t even a decent jig. You couldn’t even buy your way onto the HMS Bounty with that jig.
God, After Effects is free on the bit torrents… just a thought.
I have sound. I distinctly heard a retarded song from bad old movies. I kept waiting for the seagull or penguin or whatever it is to make some meaningful contribution. (Didn’t figure Jesus would add anything of worth, but the look on his face is suitable.)
Seriously, this is the animation you’ve been working on for weeks? Must have been some damn dull weeks. Go back to smiting with swine flu!
Hmmm… could it be that You’re a deity and worthy of so much more than what You’ve shown us? Or could it be that the Holy Spirit and Your Son look more than a little embarrassed standing next to You while You dance Your “jig”. Or could it be that You lack rhythm? You created black people, God. Somewhere inside of You, You must know what rhythm is.
Whatever happened to “insolent welp”. Did You get into some bad whiskey, God?
HEY!!
You can’t call somebody a dumb cunt and then take it away and make Your mortals look crazy. Well… You can but that’s really fucked up, God.
Anne,
We should go a little easy on God. God has proven time and time again to not be completely up-to-date with mortal technological advances but bless His Heart, He tries.
His Dancing may suck but I’m impressed with His perserverence on getting His animated jig completed.
anne johnson is an insolent, vacuous cunt. i hate her guts and am this close to banning her forever.
I was being sarcastic. I worked on this for 5 minutes. The real cartoon will be much better, I promise.
Anne is pagan, God. Therefore, she doesn’t realize how busy You have really been as she refuses to acknowledge Your busy existence. If You were a faerie, she’d realize how busy You’ve been but alas, You are not a faerie but a very cranky Male Deity.
i’ve been practicing all afternoon. what do you think of this, God? since only God can see me, the rest of you have to use your imaginations.
*(uppity cracka is not responsible for what you imagine)
God,
Please make my burro stop running away from my naked breast!!
now THAT’S a jig!!! the key is to get piss drunk on irish whiskey first.
piss drunk.
said.
shut up, ben.
At my church we were told as children that dancing was the “snare of Satan.”
I now understand that what they meant was that “good” dancing was Satanic. Bad dancing is clearly a divine and blessed thing.
So, if bad dancing iss good enough for God then it is good enough for Smoggy Batzrubble.
God, I have stuffed a newborn lamb down my y-fronts and am going (in Your name O Lord) to jig-jig-jiggety-jig at my front gate. It is a good time to do it because all the children are just walking to school. I know that my witness as a Godly dancer will change the hearts and minds of my fellow citizens, O God.
Praise Your Mighty Name Lord.
Amen
Sorry, God! Don’t banish me! You know how retarded I am if I think the Holy Spirit is a seagull.
I agree that I’m insolent and a cunt. Not sure what the other word means. But okay, if it makes you feel better, vacuous it is!
PS - There would be great dancers in Heaven who could teach you how to jig, if only you didn’t consider it blasphemous to holler “Oh God” during Big O.
Smoggy, your witness may change the locks on your door after your sorry ass is arrested and canned.
Is my sorry arse going to be caned?
Truly God answers prayers!!!
This crappy animation is merely proof that god is just as gay as his son.
Is the music that goes along with this Divine Jig from The Carol Burnett Show?
It’s Benny Hill, you mucking foron!
lol.. sorry. I’s just a stupid mortal with a vagina.
The vagina has been the redeeming feature of stupid mortals beyond number.
I’ve been trying to get my burro to stick his peen in my vagina so he can be redeemed for his years of being homo-licious.
God, Smoggy here, posting from prison.
I’ve been arrested O God. I was at my front gate jigging in your honour, wearing just my cleanest y-fronts (with a lamb stuffed down them) and police and animal welfare came and took me away.
They’ve confiscated my lamb and my y-fronts, O God, and put me in a cell with a large hairy man with one eye, who says his name is Zeus.
PLEASE HELP ME O GOD!!!
anne - The Holy Spirit is a dove. Everybody knows that.
He gets very offended when people call him a pigeon.
BLESS YOU cracka and smoggy for dancing My Jig.
Smoggy - FEAR NOT! I will smash that prison into bits and send Zeus back to Nebraska where he belongs. Just give Me a couple days.
Ooomph
Thank you God for hearing my …ungghh…prayers.
While I’m … eeekk… waiting. Could you remind…oommpphh…Zeaus about your prohibition against….aarrgghh….anal sex?
haha. smoggy’s getting raped.
Who called The Holy Spirit a pigeon? Who gave God the bad ether that makes Him confuse pigeons for seagulls and think His Jig is good dancing???
shut up ben
Nun - anne called the spirit a ’seagull or penguin.’ I’m tired, but same difference. DON’T NITPICK!
Either way, Spirit hates being mistaken for anything other than a dove. He considers this quite racist.
Take heart, Smog. I’ve always found that a little anal pillaging is quite humbling. It hurts now but in the end, you’ll be better for it.
Aren’t doves pigeons? I believe they are. In which case, it is not really nitpicking, O Holy One. Calling a dove a pigeon is like taking a rich black man and comparing him to a ghetto black man. They’re both still darkies but one is better than the other. Seagulls and penguins are completely different animals… which You should know as You created them. I’m starting to think You’re really not God at all but some imposter.
Lucky I didn’t call it a buzzard.
I’m starting to think about ending your life. I will not tolerate such blasphemy!
Smoggy’s fantasizing again. Sick fuck.
Could be a boat-tailed grackle.
It is so nit-picking. You are all so ignorant. The difference is in their guano. Pigeon shit tastes like petrol and liquidised rodent. The shit of the dove of the Holy Ghost tastes like the finest white chocolate mixed with ram sperm.
There’s a simple test as to whether you have been visited by the the Holy Spirit. As the dove hovers above you, open your mouth and let it shit on your tongue. You’ll know straight away!
God’s a doper, Jesus is anorexic, and the Holy Spirit’s a buzzard painted white for the occasion.
(I know I’m asking for it.)
God,
Threatening to end my life will not stop me from being insolent. I simply can’t help my insolence and place all blame on my vagina.
But… if You do decide to end my mortal existence, please wait until after X-Files 3 comes out unless Mulder and Scully have sex onscreen… in which case, just kill me now.
Jealous knows Smoggy doesn’t nit-pick. Look at Smoggy’s hair. It’s crawling with cooties.
‘Sick Fuck’
God, why do you encourage Smoggy with “Divine Comment of the Day?” He deserves a well-placed lightning bolt.
Because he called us all ignorant, Anne. God’s mad because we’ve mocked Him and His Jig. We’ve also teased and tormented Him to distraction. He’s probably considering making His own followers the subject of His next Divine Hate Post.
#59: Wow, that would be so post-modern. But, in fairness to us, just gotta say it … If you don’t want to be mocked, don’t post something ridiculous. I think the Holy Hellion was asking to be trashed!
God, if You are somehow proud of Your Jig, smite me shitless. I give it a C -, and I’m an easy grader.
well done God, well done. But You knew that already.
Yeah, God. Anne grades in an inner-city school for minority youth. She really is an easy grader. Your C- would really be an F in a white neighborhood… if white people were capable of failing which we know they’re not. Whities rule!!
Anne, I be Slater too.
Anne, you only give it a C because you do not understand how animation works and how hard it is to create something. A computer is not a magic box and does not run on fairy tears.
HAHAHA! FACE!
Josh,
At the risk of incurring God’s Divine Wrath… I believe God has the same knowledge of the PC as Anne doth. Whereby Anne requests the faeries cry their magic tears to make her PC work, God simply shouts and demands that His Divine PC do thou which He commands until He is all red-faced at which point an Angel slinks in to make the PC do what God wants. So, you see? Anne is not the only one who thinks it’s a magical box full of magic and shit.
WRONG WHORE! WRONG WRONG WRONG!!
I know everything about computers and animation! You will regret your many blasphemies this day!!
Heavenly done. Very sexy.
I humbly accept the FACE, because I know absolutely NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING about computers. God could have spent five minutes on His Jig, or five DAYS on His Jig, and I would believe either amount of time if He claimed it.
As for fairy tears. Oh, wretched ubelievers! Fairies don’t cry! If the computer breaks down, they LTFAO!
Now I’m wondering if God drew the dove. If so, well done, Deity! I couldn’t do better, I’m sure. (Damning with faint praise.)
Thank you for declaring me divine comment Mighty God.
And don’t worry about Zeus–he’s stopped plugging me. Turns out he prefers sheep as well, so I’ve arranged to give him a gross of my sexiest ewes when we both get out of here.
And they’ve given me my y-fronts back! Zeus and I have been practicing the white underpants jig for two hours now. The guard says if we don’t stop they’ll throw us out.
God - #68,
If You really have all this knowledge about mortal computer technology, why do You have issues with Your own Holy Blog? Why did You have so much trouble beating that Xenu alien in that crappy little web-game?
It just seems to me that You’re trying to cover up Your mortal technological short-comings when You have nothing to be ashamed of in that regard. We all know that mortals have fucked up everything… including computer technology and that You do not have these same issues with Your Heavenly Computers. I’ll bet Bill Gates doesn’t even get into Heaven based on all the fuck-ups he’s added to mortal computers.
For your next animation, God, try having Jesus and the Holy Ghost join you in a kick line. That’d be cool. And don’t steal Benny Hill’s theme song next time either. That just cheapens the whole thing and makes it seem lamer than it already is.
I know you’ll take this constructive criticism with your usual good grace.
yeah, cuz nobody’s ever used the benny hill theme song on the internet before.
God should dance to The X-Files theme. I’d be full of so much love for Him if He did that!!
How about something slow like “A Mighty Fortress is Our God”? Then the 3 of them could do a slow and stately bottle dance or something, like in Fiddler on the Roof.
I would pay salary to see God do the Electric Slide, or the Macarena. Your choice, All-Whitey.
Lord, didn’t You hate to dance?
Macarena is soo last week Anne… I was thinking in something more like Patrick Swayze.. Darty dancing…
fierce!
“(i’ve had) the time of my life” saved-my-life!
That’s so last week too. Pop-locking is where its at.
it’s all about the liquid and everyone knows it.
God’s gotta grind with some sexy angel.
yeah.
sex is sexy.
is it?
is it? (2)
?
well, by definition of the words ’sex’ and ’sexy’, yes. sex is sexy. that’s some sexy, sexy sex!
sex is sexy to you Cracka, to Ben forceable mouth sex is just a job.
A completely retarded individual said: “Macarena is soo last week Anne… I was thinking in something more like Patrick Swayze.. Darty dancing…”
What the fuck?! Macarena is so last week and a movie from the 80s isn’t?? Is it the water in Brazil that makes you so stupid, Wasup?
Nun, I can explain. They just got Dirty Dancing in Brazil this week.
ZING!
bam!
brazil is a backwards shithole filled with venomous animals and parasites…the wildlife is out of control, too.
yowza!
Wow. You guys should get together and take your show on the road.
you got any creme pies we can borrow?
i’m thinking rubber chicken and a clown nose. that should slay ‘em!
What the fuck! What’s up with this Benny Hill shit?
Looked more like the hokie-pokie to me, and that’s what it’s all about.
Brazilians may be retarded, but they do have the “southern hemisphere” hairdo down. Maybe THAT’s what it’s all about?
no. that’s not it.
it’s all about this:
there can be only ONE!!!!!!!!!!!
century quickenings, bitches.
that’s what it’s all about!
said.
wait a minute
my penis just broke my wheelbarrow.
how am i supposed to carry this thing around now???
Cracka took the bait, and the whole smite/quickening circle begins again.
what do the patients at the hospital say about your giant penis cracka?
they say, “I wonder how much Ben charges to suck that thing”
Does ben charge by the hour or by the inch?
FACE!!! but it’s only a benFACE so it only counts for 1/2 FACE credit (accepted at most major retailers).
ben does have a freakish, bulbous, swollen, massive head.
but it’s not big enough to fit my dick into.
Maybe Cracka should have entered his gigantic penis in the National Penis Day parade in Japan.
http://dating-japan.com/2009/03/up-and-at-em-for-national-penis-day.html
that is one helluva link, jim.
one helluva link.
Wow. I’m so totally horny right now.
Cracka, which one was yours? The one being held by a dozen men, or the one being stroked by the cute little girl?
stupid japs kidnapped my schlong to take pictures of it in compromising positions. got it back, though. they’re little people and most of them aren’t really ninjas at all.
….
Japanese people are……….
strange…………….
fucking national penis day……. with little girls….stroking giant plastic penises…… not right….
Oh, and God, you can’t dance.
There is nothing shameful about the naked body, Random. It could be argued that Americans are entirely too prudish and uptight when it comes to nudity.
I know she was asked this question but her answer strikes me as incredibly arrogant…
http://omg.yahoo.com/blogs/a-line/jessica-biel-being-hot-really-is-a-problem/190?nc
Is being too good-looking really a problem for an actress?
“Yeah, it really is a problem. I have to be blunt.”
I know I’m not lesbo but I don’t think she’s all that good looking.
Nun arouses me in a strange way.
Yes, it’s true.
I arouse everybody in a strange way, Bei. Normal arousal is so boring.
Just started reading the comments….
God, animating isn’t really that hard.
http://i589.photobucket.com/albums/ss332/darkmatter/Roam2.gif?t=1242761825
thats something i made in about 10 minutes…
reason why its ”ROAM” is because it was the first thing that popped into my head, and looked nice with the font.
Nun #114,
there are some people that should be ashamed of their bodies. Go to any nude beach and you will throw up at the ghastly display.
Nun #115,
Beil is totally bangable. She is pretty hot in a line backer kind of way. I will say it is her shitty acting that gets in the way of her getting roles and not her 7 hot rating. If hotness stands in the way of people getting rolls and Salma Hayek can get roles, then Beil should have not problem.
jessica biel is both hot and overrated at the same time.
what does all this mean? not a God damned thing.
Everything means something.
Jessica Biel is hot and overrated
Hell is hot and overrated
Jessica Biel is Hell
God will sentence us to the depths of Hell for all eternity
GOD is GOOD!
Smoggy, you’re dumber than a bucket of worms.
Random, do you value your scalp? Why would you try to one-up God Almighty? He will smite you shitless.
Random Guy, what did you use to create your animation?
“Smoggy, you’re dumber than a bucket of worms.”
True. But if I was really dumb I’d believe in fairies.
121: i want to go to hell now….
122: i want to get smote, so no i do’t value my scalpe
123: pivot
124: very contradictory….
do’t = don’t
God should be pleased at how many times I’ve been FACED on this site. It should make up for my scathing review of his Holy Jig.
scalpe = scalp
I can’t type today.
anne has been FACED more times on this site than Nun and Ben have been “faced” in real life.
wow…. poor anne….
maybe shes just been “FACED” so much because God doesn’t like her….. Remember what he said about abortion? If He didn’t like it, He’d kill it, so maybe this means anne is going to Jessica Biel when she dies….
random, are you on ‘ludes? That makes no sense at all.
it basically says:
god doesn’t like you
and
your going to Jessica Biel when you die.
I get the part where God doesn’t like me, although my capitalization of His name is pretty fair. When Someone calls you “tree-fucker,” you get the message.
That last part still has me baffled.
Jessica Biel equals hell, Anne. Random’s trying to tell you that you’re going to hell. He probably would have expressed it a little more coherently if he hadn’t been distracted by hell’s breasts.
Jessica Biel is really hot? I’m shocked.
Josh - #119,
I agree with your opinion on Biel’s acting. Honestly, I think that’s why she doesn’t get those meaty roles she wants.
As for naked fatties and the like. As far as God is concerned, I hate the Fatty McFatties. I like to maim them and cause them great bodily fat damage. As far as reality is concerned, I may not want to look at it but there’s nothing wrong with a naked body. People are too wrapped up in the physical aspect of things.
Well, its easy to get distracted by Hell’s new appearance, when the “old” hell looked like this:
http://www.masada2000.org/Arafat-In-Hell2.jpg
or this:
http://www.reclaimingthemind.org/images/Parchment%20and%20Pen/Ruth%20Tucker/Hell.gif
or this:
http://plainview.files.wordpress.com/2009/02/hell-11g.jpg
Jessica Biel has satan’s tongue. This is what she licks you with when you go to hell.
http://thesuperficial.com/2006/09/jessica_biel_has_a_monster_ton.php
thats creepy.
I sugested Dirty dancing cuz although it is an 80’s movie, it still up and frash! Havent you heard that 80’s is the new 2009? Ow my, what a bunch of old fashioned minds…hits never dies!
And answering the retarded who wrote it in a comment:
Yes, here in Brazil we have a lot of venomous animals and parasites… including your mother!
oh, and about sex: the attitude of being sexy wouldn’t have to come before sex? Cuz one thing leads to another, if I’m right….
so sexy should come first, and then sex.. doesn’t it?
Why talk about Jessica Biel when we can openly talk about Justin?? Far more ‘zékzy’!
Jessica is boring to deeeath!
Been trying to decide if Wazup is a guy or a chick….
Before i was thinkin guy, so if he/she is, my response:
Faggot
But if he/she is in fact a chick, my response:
Faggot.
Big difference eh?
Woo hoo…. go me… i found a fag…. yay…..
shut up ranbendom guy
Where did you come from….. I just point out the fag, who wants to talk about timberlake, and I get to shut up? ok then….
Oh, and ben I know you’ll comment on this, so before you do, shut up.
“ranbendom guy”……. should i ask…..?
#139 Wasup - your theory does not factor in rape
#134 Nun - so the physical does not matter? So the next time a dude takes off his pants and he’s sporting a 3 inch dick, remember you’re not superficial.
#136 Smoggy - that picture of Beil just made her hotter.
Fuck! One of my students dropped out!
Sometimes the smartest ones take a hike. 
Sorry about the student, Anne.
random guy, you possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
It’s not a bad thing, not in this place.
we’re still waiting for that one normal person to show up.
#147 Anne,
If they drop out, how can they be the smartest?
Cracka, I consider myself the most normal person here.
And the voices in my head agree, by a vote of three out of five.
Woohoo!!
http://www.imdb.com/news/ni0792851/
I’m assuming that Aykroyd and Murray would have nothing to do with this if it was crap.
Josh - #146,
I have a friend… 4 inches, no lie. I’ve never said a word to him about his teeny peenie. And yes, I’ve let it inside my vajayjay. It’s the fatties I can’t abide, Josh and that’s because my ex-fiance was a fatty.
Yo Yo probably is the most normal here but that’s because he’s too old to be anything but normal. Normal’s boring, Yo.
Its kind of sad when the most normal person here has voices in his head, that vote on the most normal person here.
What does that say about the rest of us?
it says that we’re gullible dipshits suffering heavily from the dunning-kruger effect and need to spend some time in serious introspection….so that our own voices can take a vote.
I hate it when I’m sober
but the voices in my head
are stinking drunk.
Mind…ummm…. dumbing that down for people like ummm…..
me…..
brain says no hablo inglis
Deseo que había voces en mi cabeza …. entonces yo no nunca estar solo ….. Sólo quiero llegar a ser molesto por el hecho de que las voces en mi cabeza puede arrojar un Partido no invitarme.
partido should be parte y…..
Can anybody translate Portugese? I have an friend on Facebook who is an X-Files fan. She keeps sending me messages but I can’t understand them. I feel bad… she probably thinks I’m ignoring her when I’m really just too ignorant to know what she’s saying.
Stop tawkin’ like yer from south of the border! I didn’t die at the Alamo just so you could talk crazy!
Bad enough all the damned ATMs make me choose English when I want to use them.
Nun, can you get a translation at babelfish? babelfish.yahoo.com
Or maybe Dr. Lerbwoman is lurking.
Here’s #159, as auto-translated by babelfish:
Desire that were voices in my head…. then I not never to be only ….. Only want to get to be annoying because the voices in my head can throw a Party not to invite to me.
I don’t trust the online translators, Yo. Too often they’re completely wrong.
very true, damn google.
but some langugaes have some words other languages don’t, so whe you type something into a translator, translate to whatever, and translate it back, it gets all fucked up.
yo yo proved that…
Sounds like a job for Doc Lerbwoman!
There’s a lot of X-Files fans in South America. I really would like to know what this girl is saying to me. I could talk about The X-Files for days and days and days… unless she wants to talk about Mulder and Scully’s lurve. Then I’d rather stab a fork in my heart.
really? ‘cuz that seems weird to me. given the two choices…seems like a no brainer.
Love is gross, Cracka. While I do not begrudge Mulder and Scully and their lurve, I do not wish to see them fucking.
Nun, send the messages and I can try to translate to you.
random guy: I’m a girl, that’s why I’m here! Trying to humiliate myself to God and begging to not be smote by him!
it won’t work, waz. God hates women.
I know, but i’ll keep trying anyway…
i was hoping some nerd like yoyo would bite on my dunning-kruger reference earlier so i could finish my nerd joke something like:
i know! i just read the wikipedia page and now i’m the world’s foremost expert on metacognition! hey-oh!!!
couldn’t leave that dangling out there…darkly looming over my day with its sinister nerdiness. torturing me like a ricky martin song that you just can’t get out of your head!
Thanks but no thanks, Wazup. I have serious doubts about your skills as a translator.
that joke follows the rubber chicken bit.
Ricky Martin is a fag.
Ricky MArtin is not a fag, he just likes how penis tastes.
Silly Josh. I was calling Ricky Martin a rolled cigarette, not a gay.
Rick Martin “smells” fag things…
Ok Nun, it is up on you, but if you whant to, I could at least try to help. Just post here and we all could try! (I might write in “engrish” as you said, but you know, I understand portuguese since i was, like, 1 year-old…)
want*
I don’t know what kind of idiot would put a private email up on a public blog.
# 175: I decided to let you dangle, Cracka!
It’s because I’m smarter and better than any of yah!
Bwahaha!
Wazup, do you know Dr. Lerbwoman?
Are you Dr. Lerbwoman?
Just put the content here. Omitting private informations and the name of the person, I don’t see any problems in put up the comment in here.
Or you could select a part of the email that you are more curious about and put up here for us to try to translate!
No yo yo, I’m not Dr. Lerbwoman and I don’t even know this person. I’m Wazup! Just Wazup!
How am I supposed to know what’s personal when I can’t even fucking read it, retard?
waz, like the beer commercials from the late 90s that we all hated? that kind of wazup!???
yoyo-184
hahahahaha! (i’d tell the rest of you what i’m laughing at but i don’t have time to explain everything to everyone all the time. i’m busy resenting the inconveniences caused me by the stupidity of other people—idiots)
nun-188
BWAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!!!
Online translators do suck, but they usually give you at least the jist of the content. You have to be a very creative reader.
Josh, about my student: Good point. The kid has a high IQ, but it doesn’t translate to real world. I see that a lot at my school. Kids who could have the world at their fingertips just act out, get thrown out of school, etc. While the really stupid kids go to class, struggle through their work, and stay out of trouble … and graduate. So you’re right. Who really are the stupid ones????
Nun, you’re right. No way should you post a personal message on a public site. Can you reply to the person in English, saying you can’t find a translator? It would be a lot easier for a Portuguese to find someone who can translate into English than the other way around. Because the world’s best people speak English. All other languages are for losers.
“I have an friend on Facebook who is an X-Files fan. She keeps sending me messages but I can’t understand them.”
1° - Well, if she is talking about x-files, I can’t see where she can put up anything personal on her statements.
2° - Unless she is lesbian or a ranging maniac, she wouldn’t write anything personal or private simply because she doesn’t know you, right????
how much ranging must one engage in to be considered a “ranging maniac”?
Wazup,
You are not capable of logical thought. Stop trying.
try google translator. It sucks, but as Anne said, it could help you to have an idea of what she is talking about. If you have any doubts about specific words, put up in here and I can help to translate.
“i love ranging.”
“me too. i’m a ranging maniac.”
#192 makes me wonder if God will ever bless anything else but the good ol’ America.
waz-nun’s right, you should give up…no, not thinking. just give up trying to be nice to nun. she’s a cranky, old, used up whore with no hope of ever being truly loved again.
One!
one!
I’m not trying to be nice. I’m just saying…
out of nowhere, jim swoops in for the quicken-steal. fucker.
it’s probably for the best. having a helluva time finding a wheelbarrow with enough payload to haul around this schlong as it is.
does it really that difficult to understand what I’m writing?
No, Wazup, not after we run it through the Google translator.
Cracka, maybe you should piss off God, just enough to have him Penis Smite your schongle to a more manageable size.
Wazup, your English is fine, much better than our Portugese. We’ll give you a hard time about it, but we give everyone a hard time.
Would a Brazilian computer programmer speak Portugeek?
Puta madre. Translate that.
Wazup, beware of Nun’s vagina, its flow is greater than the Amazon’s! (And has more living things in it.)
Puta Madre is not portuguese, is spanish. And it depends on the context. Could it be a kind of spanish coloquial speech (with several “gueto” expressions) or just an expression that would mean: fucking shit!
At least my vagina is alive and well, Yo. Unlike that shriveled up worm you call your penis.
Wazup,
It also means mother-fucker.
I needed that to get me to Nun’s minimum required 4 inches. Got a lot of quickening to go just to make up for the continued smiting upon my shoulder. Back for more physical therapy now.
People who can’t speak English deserve to live in huts and eat hamsters.
did you see the movie: “Spanish apartment”?
There is a scene where a spanish guy says to a french guy who he just met: come back later here and I’ll teach you the puta madre! (puta madre: gueto expressions)
Yo yo here’s a joke remix on yours:
Much like the Amazon, many a brown person has tried to slash and burn Nun’s vagina. However that thing always grows back.
MULTIPLE FACE!
too many faces to recount specifically.
PZ just went off on pharyngula with one of them “offensive” posts that will garner at least 1,000 comments. it’s the daniel hauser post. yeah, i know, i read pharyngula a lot.
yeah wazup,
I’ve seen it because I love watching shitty foreign cinema! Puta Madre!!!!!
Actually I’ve never seen it. Hollywood is the only place movies should be made. Fuck Bollywood.
example: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sHIQQVCe8Is
No brown man has ever tried to harm my vagina unless I requested he do so.
We should nuke India to a wasteland. First they take our call centers, then they start making movies? Nuke ‘em! Who would even notice???
Nun #219,
The clap is an exceptable way for a brown man to slash and burn you, and I’m sure you were unaware they were giving you that gift all 43 times you got it.
Anne #220,
You didn’t like that movie? It was made by inner city youth.
Josh, it is an european movie actually…
nothing against bollywood… I couldn’t care less…
By the way, here in Brazil puta madre means: FILHO DA PUTA!
or PUTA QUE O PARIU!
#222 - wrong inner city! Wrong damn slum! I demand only American slums in my movies! Who cares about fuckin India? They’re running our convenience stores too! Bet they’re spitting in the Big Gulp machine.
Carka, that Pharyngula post was well written. Except the guy is so serious. He ought to be more flexible. Let the kid die. What does the world need with one more excessively religious retard?
secret………………syndicate………………………
What………….. is that…………?
India sounds like a very dirty and unclean place! Disgusting!
And indian people can be extremely uglier than mexicans… almost a miracle!
“And indian people can be extremely uglier than mexicans… almost a miracle!”
by God, i think waz is finally getting the hang of this.
not ALMOST, my little brazilian monkey friend, it is a miracle.
india is God’s divine pooper.
Someone sneaks sleeping pills into my lunch. Like, right now I want to take a nap. Maybe the computer is beaming subliminal sleep signals into my brain.
Anyone else have this silly little problem?
that affliction is mostly for senior citizens, johnson. i’m sure yoyo can relate.
……
we are a very strange group of people….
i’m just a random guy in a strange group of anonymous weirdos.
……
ass…..
I read pharyngula too cracka…it is very arousing!! (I read it with one of my sheep beside me, because all that atheist hate makes me want to fuck something.)
I wonder why God hasn’t done a post about Pharyngula yet? He could torment PZ Myers by turning him into an Irish altar boy with a dimpled bottom, and send him back in time to a Catholic orphanage so the Christian Brothers can use his anal passage like the channel tunnel.
I have this little problem too.. especially when the comments are too boring to handle.
And I still have classes today…
Anne, I think you passed your laziness by osmosis…
i’m just a random guy (girl, in my case) in a strange group of anonymous weirdos. (2)
I think you’re a transvestite wazup. If you’re a girl you have to prove it by posting a picture of your titties (unless you’re Anne- her titties droop so much she can’t get them in a single frame, so she’s allowed to post pictures of just her big hairy nipples)
oh, cracka: INDIAN STINKS! really, they really doesn’t know for what soap was made for.
They’re ugly
They stinks
And they have an annoying quirk of shake their heads to the left and right slightly while speaking… it nerves me soooo much…
I’m an anomaly dear Batzrubble!
I was severely assalted few years ago and
Crikey Wazup–you may well be weirder than I am.
I’m an anomaly dear Batzrubble!
I was severely assaulted few years ago and that made me lose my breasts….
And I don’t usually take pictures of my vagina, you know, I’m virgin and my body belongs to God.
“I was severely assaulted few years ago and that made me lose my breasts….”
Hey I read about that–wasn’t that the ripper crew of serial killers. You know, Robin Gecht and the Koroleis brothers or whatever they were called amputating fun bags with piano wire.
Sick Fucks!
God, I hope when they get to hell you’re going to have the female demons amputate their cock and balls (slowly) and then grow their cluster back overnight for an eternity of repeat amputations.
And God–if Wazup’s body belongs to you, why don’t you post a picture of her vagina and save her the hassle?
Zzzz…- wha?
CRACkA–I EXPOSE YOU!!!
You’re posting on PHARYNGULA and sounding half-way intelligent! Do you know what this is going to do for your reputation as a mucking foron with a penis the size of an elephant foetus?
God, I think you should smite cracka for posting THIS on Pharyngula:
“if you’re taking dangerous medications that kill you due to a dosing error you either have a preexisting condition, which necessitates the medication, that would have killed you anyway. it’s hard to speak to “other types of errors”. nosocomial infections are a problem, of course. but a person who dies from a post-op infection or is immunosuppressed would obviously die without medical attention. adverse reactions to medications is difficult to predict, but these numbers will rise as our life expectancy is drastically increased…by, uh, medications. fuck. learn to interpret some data at some point or just stop stat-mining altogether.”
What goes in Anne’s bra stays in Anne’s bra.
I’m off for a pleasant stroll around Camden, New Jersey. ‘Night, pukes.
Where’s ben? Getting overtime at the dick sucking factory?
#248 - whoa, you think that’s OUR Cracka? You that smart, Cracka? Explains the tiny dick.
GOTTA BE ON CAMDEN WATERFRONT IN 1 HOUR! MUST RUN!
“I’m off for a pleasant stroll around Camden, New Jersey”
Wowzer, you must be tough! Or is it a pleasant change from Teenzilla?
Josh - #221,
NO!
You really are retarded. First, the only clap I ever receive is when I get a standing ovation from the guys I fuck because my vajayjay is just that amazing. Second, no penis that is dark in color ever ventures into the realm of fun known as my vagina until he wraps it up in industrial strength plastic. Everybody knows that darkies have the worst STDs.
God gave me strep throat. I’m so thankful that God gave me strep when I had to go to work. My co-workers appreciate it as well.
Thanks, God!! You the best!
And if they haven’t got the worst STD before they fuck nun. They will have afterwards.
See what I mean–she’s got throat clap.
My vagina is clean, damn it!!
No … no … no…
Your vagina is damned! Clean it!!!!
My vagina has a big, creepy Eye of God in it. You shouldn’t be talking about it with anything but respect.
shut up ben
My vagina ate up ben. Ate him up whole in one gulp. It was nasty. If you see ben posting again it’s because my vagina regurgitated him.
What “regurgitated” means? It sounds wonderful. I don’t mind trying it.
Nun’s vagina…
very interesting subject…
zzzzzzzzz….
Nun’s vagina…
very interesting subject…
zzzzzzzzz….
You just want to be in my vagina, Bei.
man, i just got regurgitated by a vagina. i feel like i’m gonna puke.
ben said: “i feel like i’m gonna puke.”
That’s how my vagina felt, ben.
Nun #255,
I don’t think God gave you that strep throat. Remember using a condom for oral is a must.
Sorry I could not resist.
I like vaginas.
Who doesn’t?
Who doesn’t? Evangelist Curtis doesn’t, that’s who!!! And where’s Curtis, you ask? I’ll tell you where Curtis is! He’s alone in the wilderness because all you insensitive bastards drove him off by calling him a fag!
And he was nice…
and I miss him…
he was sweet… and funny… and queer in a good way…
and if I preferred men to sheep I’d have let him slip his meatstick up my pooper passage.
Sob
P.s. Nun, I’ve misplaced my car. Is it parked up your vagina?
248-sometimes i say stuff that ain’t dumb. usually when dumb people say dumb things that piss me off.
nun-254 to 255. talk about walking into a joke! i can’t believe i missed that one. God, i wish i could have been here. also, can we strap a note around one of smoggy’s sheep’s necks? i want to give ben this message:
shut up, ben.
do you think a sheep could live long enough in your vagina to find ben? i deeply fear he is in there not shutting up.
smog,
your comments were funny.
i like to give ‘eithers’ without providing ‘ors’. i’m an idiot.
i was going to say either have a preexisting medical condition OR your nurse is reeeeeally hungover.
It takes 43 muscles to frown and 17 to smile, but it doesn’t take any to just sit there with a dumb look on your face.
There’s a big difference between kneeling and bending over.
_|￣|o
in case anyone was wondering, i’m not dumb. i’m just too lazy to use my face muscles.
i was going over tattoo ideas. i think i’m in danger of becoming a cliche.
it’s not as easy as you’d think to be original.
Be original - don’t get a tattoo.
# 274 - Nun thinks the sheep are tampons. Are the absorbant enough?
there are just as many people without tattoos as there are with them. in fact, people now get hand, neck, head tats and nobody seems to blink anymore. they even get jobs. i blame atheists and homosexuals.
And those limp-wrists in the GOP who won’t stand up and Take Back America!
I’m waiting for embedded LCD screens, so you can change the tattoo whenever you want.
Or rent space to advertizers.
Do you know these people, Smoggy?
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090521/ap_on_fe_st/as_odd_new_zealand_bank_blunder;_ylt=AuGLmfaGW1iD60TGkDRgqMDtiBIF
Smoggy - #272,
Actually, nobody called Curtis a fag. We called everybody a fag but Curtis as we were respecting his wish by not calling him a fag. Trying to censor God’s Holy Blog is preposterous and requesting that a word never be used is ridiculous.
And yes, your car was in my vagina but my 3rd eye, aka The Eye of God, took it out for a spin. He drives like a black man running from the cops so I wouldn’t expect it back in good condition.
Smoggy don’t be such a fag.
What does ‘fag’ mean in New Zealand anyway? I think only in the States is it used as a term of endearment for our butt-fuckers.
And what is that Brit phrase about teasing someone… is it “I’m taking a piss out on you”? I want to use that in the States but I’m afraid somebody would beat me up.
does dick cheney still have enough mainstream credibility to go spouting off? who listens to that neckered old warlock??
Nun,
actually people did call Curtis a fag. Remember everyone was all like “What? don’t be such a fag, you fag”
as funny and entertaining as Curtis was, he didn’t get this site and it’s purpose. I do miss him and wish him and his partner well. But in the end he was a big old fag, and I liked him for it.
he WAS a big old fag.
here’s to you, curtis.
basically fondue, our long lost homo friend.
basically fondue.
What did everyone have for lunch?
basically fondue.
Actually, Train Wreck and I shared a hoagie. We sat on the porch. So you see, one can walk through Camden and live to write about it.
Actually, Josh, I do not remember that. I remember him not being called a fag and everybody else being called a fag.
Cheney is and was a monster. He is now desperately afraid that people will find out how much of a monster he was. He wants to try to justify his monstrous behavior. I don’t believe there is any justification. You don’t compromise your morals and ethics, no matter what the cost.
for a common street whore you sure are a fag, nun.
Dick Cheney and I are having mint juleps on
the veranda later. He’s a fine fellow.
I’m shocked you folks would say such things
about our former vice president.
And Lynne is such a sweetheart.
shut up ben.
shut up anne
shut up smoggy
shut up hume
that was a piss poor display in blogsmanship, hume.
yes it was, wasn’t it?
hence, the self flagellation (sp?)
the blogsman of the day award goes to——
nun! for standing idly by as her vagina’s wandering eye of God went joyriding with smoggy’s car!!!
congratulations, whore.
blogsman of the day???
wtf am i talking about??
Cracka, you need to sit down and have a cocktail.
I’ve got the ingredients: Loxipene, Thioridaine, Molindone… we’re hoping they’ll snap you back to reality, such as it is.
there are a lot of untrustworthy vowels in those mediciney, sciencey sounding heathen words. they might as well be french! i prefer my delusions, thank you…and i believe i have a constitutional right to them!
God bless america~selah
“i prefer my delusions, thank you…and i believe i have a constitutional right to them!”
What are you, some kind of right-wing radio ‘personality’?
Books I’m going to write this summer:
Wicca: Your Last, Desperate Attempt in Believing that Some Greater Force Is Somehow Responsible for How Your Life Has Turned Out
Stop Touching Yourself: ben’s Guide to Revealing Way Too Much Information to an Online Bookseller or Borders Sales Clerk
You’ll Never Be Famous, You’ll Never Be Rich, You’ll Never Have That Threesome: Yo’s Guide to Facing Facts
It’s Not Slander if He Actually Is a Cretin: 101 Legal Tricks for cracka, the Self-Taught Lawyer
Douching For Dummies: The Guide for the Rest of us
Portuguese People You Might Know
I got the title of the last book wrong, it’s actually “Portuguese People You Might Know, Vol I.”
I hope I know one of those Portugese people so they can help me decipher some emails.
When the Eye of God has decided to take up residence in one’s vagina, Cracka, you do not argue with said Eye. You have no other option than to stand idly by while said Eye takes Smoggy’s car, which he had so carelessly parked in my vagina. For the record, I don’t like it when people park their cars in my vagina. It makes me sad.
See how sad I am?
Hey YoMaMa
Everyone is talking about the couple that got paid 10 million into their bank account and fled the country after transferring it overseas. Nobody blames them–everybody hopes they get away. We’re all pissed because it has just been revealed the power companies have ripped us off for 4 billion dollars over 7 years and they’re going to get away with it. That might not sound much to you Americanuses, but remember, there’s only 4 million of us sheep rooters.
Hey cracka–I followed your lead. I made a whole lot of offensive posts over at Pharyngula–but so far everyone has just ignored them. If you’re over there, do a search on Smoggy and tell me what you think. The one on the child abusing priests is the worst.
Nun–that’s now one car, 10 sheep and a small bale of ceiling insulation you’ve got up your ghastly gully. They’re all mine, but keep them. I really don’t want them back. In payment I might let you see my meatstick one day.
I’m currently writing:
The Joy of Sheep, The Insider’s Guide to Seductive Shearing and Gently Erotic Farming Practices
Smoggy, your meatstick smells like mint jelly. Perv.
Teenzilla just got her mid-term report. It’s gonna be one heck of a tranquil night in this house.
Train Wreck’s grades probably won’t win her more scholarship money either. But at least she tries. Right now Teenzilla’s trying — to load music into her MP3.
And the mother of the year award goes to
Nun.
For her bewilderingly blessed vagina.
Also, how is anne able to discern
the scent of smog’s stick?
paganannie dreams about me and she squirts every time I call her “dicknickname”
God,
when are we going to see the full cartoon?
Josh,
Soon. It is due on May 31st. I will be busy spending every moment between now and then working on it.
Well that and smiting the fat, atheists, Mexicans, scientists, and especially fat atheist Mexican scientists.
“Well that and smiting the fat, atheists, Mexicans, scientists, and especially fat atheist Mexican scientists.”
Mighty God, that’s so lovely I’ve written a hymn about it.
Praise God from whom all fatties flee,
For fear their lard will melted be.
Praise Him who smites the antiGods
And tortures all their pagan bods
Praise him who blows the wetbacks up
While handcuffed in a cracker’s truck.
Praise him who lights the science fires,
Where Catholics can cook PZ Myers.
For all the cruel things we adore
Dear God we praise you more and more.
Amen
Smoggy,
When objects enter the wondrous realm that is my vagina, those objects become the property of my vagina. If you don’t like it then stop losing things in there. I don’t particularly care for you walking around in there anyway. Stop it.
God said: “Soon. It is due on May 31st.”
Who gave God a due date??
Nun, your comment makes more sense if you change “my vagina” to “Noo Zillund”.
Of course it doesn’t make sense to you, Smoggy. You’re not very smart. That’s probably why you keep losing things up my snatch.
God sets His own deadline, but it’s funny how He created the world in six days but needs weeks to complete His comic. We better watch out, it may be Armageddon!
smoggy-312
that’s the thing about pharyngula. everybody ignores everybody. it’s more about posting something that is one of the following:
a) genuinely smart
b) genuinely smart sounding, or
c) has lots of big words in it
there is no conversing.
which is what i love about God’s Holy Blog. no matter what i say, someone will always be there to call me an asshole.
smog-321,
so THAT’S what happened to my truck!!!
Smoggy - how’d the power companys put the screws to y’all? Overcharging?
BWHAHAHA! I’m slaying ‘em in the aisles!
Applause ears? What do you mean, Josh?
“laugh ears” Yo Yo, and I think your self diagnosis is spot on.
There is a deadline because I’ve decided to win the Playboy Animation Contest.
good luck, Sir.
God,
I am sicker than a dog and wish I was dead. Even smoking the blessed chiba does not provide much needed relief as it makes my throat hurt more and gives me a pounding headache. Despite all that as I know it was You who made me sick, I am full of love for You, God. I love You, God. I love You with the white hot intensity of a kazillion suns!!
P.S. I can’t wait to see You get down in Your Playboy Animation Video. You Studly, Handsome Deity, You.
My son has been going on and on and on and on and on about this video for days. I swear I don’t know where he gets his obsessive behavior from. The X-Files was quality entertainment y’all.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PYpmT2Ie7FA
cracka, God doesn’t need luck. He’s God!
ben’s actually right for once, Cracka. Don’t wish a deity “good luck”.
thanks whore.
that video is hilarious! I could see becoming momentarily obsessed with it. I’m sure your son is getting into all of Stephen Lynch’s other stuff too. that guy is funny.
when did you stop insulting yourself?
the only time you’ve ever been funny is when you insult yourself. i hope your stand-up routine is filled with self-loathing and depression, too. that’s the good stuff.
now…shut up and get back to work!!
Umm….. God…. animation contest….. luck…. playboy…..
I feel as if I’m missing something yet again…
And God, this better be one hell of an improvement for a certain animation that I won’t name…. *cough the almighty jig cough*
dude, i think you just inadvertantly named it.
Oh my God!!! I think I did!!! Oh no!!!!!
Ah fuck…. whats going to happen now?!?
when has God ever let us down?? i like the jig. it may not be good animation, but who gives a fuck? it’s funny.
and cracka i stopped insulting myself because God let me off the hook. but for old times sake, here you go:
i suck dicks for a living. all kinds of dicks. brown dicks, yellow dicks, white dicks, old dicks and baby dick…i suck’em all!
Ben, shut up, faggot.
You charge by the inch or hour?
random,
i’m thinking God will probably smite you by not fulfilling your masochistic desire to be, uh, smited, er, smitten, i mean smote. whatever the future perfect of smite is, or will be, or will have been, i mean “is.”
So…. God is going to smite me sometime in the future?
ben’s not one of those bad things that you said! he does this for a living. to buy holistic medicine for all of his HIV infected ex-boyfriends. it’s a matter of survival…and junk science.
random, yes, He’s going to smite you by not smiting you. He’s a genius when it comes to ironic smiting.
RG, it starts with a Penis Smite. Then God steps back and pulls a Job (long O) on you and lets Satan take over.
Windows 95 will be installed on your Mac. Your iPod playlists morph into either 1980’s hair bands or polkas. Your name and phone number simultaneously appear on every call center in the world’s call list. You grow another anus, which speaks to you in Vulgar Latin. Your car, under warrantee, breaks down, the replacement loaner is a Yugo. Rush Limbaugh moves in and consumes all your food, throw pillows, and drugs. You go to Cracka’s clinic for help, the senior doctor blanches, muttering that he hasn’t seen that symptom since he left India.
Tomorrow will be worse.
why is is gay men can call a woman anything, even a cunt, and it’s seen as humorous? I wish I could get away with that.
its all about how you say it josh. practice on ben for now, hes as good as it gets until nun or anne gets here…
Josh,
I don’t know why you think the gays can get away with calling women “cunts”. The word “cunt”, for most women, is the WORST thing you could be called. Most women hate being called a “cunt” like straight American boys hate being called a “faggot”.
Nun,
I’ve seen many a gay comic call women in the audience cunts and bitches. The women eat it up. But I’ve also seen many woman (especially fat black women) call gay audiences “fags” and the audience loves it.
Josh,
I know it’s hard but please don’t be so fucking retarded. You know better than most that you can say things onstage with no repurcussions but if you were to say the same things in normal, everyday conversation, you’d find yourself pummelled within an inch of your mortal life.
shut up, whore.
right on cue.
feels like a two martini lunch day.
piss off, faggot.
She rose like a fish after worm.
Your dementia is kicking in again, Yo.
that’s true nun, but i think what josh here is saying is he can’t say those things onstage and have people laugh. they’d probably get really upset because he’s a nice guy calling them a cunt.
josh, maybe you could get away with it if you were one of those mean insult comics?
Dasasr! Ygblicha! fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfu-Sargeant! The Hun’s ending the box barrage! They’ll be on us in two minutes, and the Maxim’s jammed!
I wasn’t aware that Josh ever got laughs when he was onstage.
HAHAHA!! Ahhh… I crack myself up. Sigh.
My old man kitty has dementia(no joke)… he roams the house at night howling.
Weird - our oldest cat (16-17 years) does the same. She also is terrified of her litter box, and has befouled my workshop floor. On the bright side, at least she shits in the cellar.
Judging by what Josh says to ben, I thought he was one of those mean insult comics.
why don’t you just kill it?
She has dementia, Yo. I’m not kidding either. Older kitties really do suffer from dementia and once they start yowling for no particular reason at all, it’s a sign that dementia has set in. Does your litter box have a cover? If so, try removing it and see if she’s not so scared of it.
Funny you should say that - it used to have a cover, I took it off when she started acting this way. It hasn’t helped.
I also tried a different litter box, and different litter - nothing helps.
She still wants to sit in my lap when I get home from work, so I guess she’s still with us, at least partly.
Sounds more like schizophrenic cats…
dumb old sad things.
holy shit i was able to use schizophrenic in a sentence
make me feel like crying.
so, i drink instead.
then i get angry!!!!
then i beat up cats!!!
‘Schizophrenic Cats’ was the name of Cracka’s swing band, back in the late ’90’s.
no.
fuck that.
Cracka is a pussy puncher?
‘fuck that.’? Which? The band, or pussy punching?
I’m full of love for kitties which is another reason for God to despise me as He hates cats. I wonder if God is allergic to cats. Many a mortal is allergic to felines and I wonder if deities can suffer from pussy allergies as well.
Yo,
When you replaced your cat’s box, did you replace it with one of the tiny boxes or was it a large one? I ask because it may be that her box is now too large for her to feel comfortable. Maybe the sides are too high or she feels caged in. Or maybe she’s just a loon now that she’s old and eccentric. My old man still sits with me and he’s still his normal self when he’s not in the midst of a bout of dementia.
for once Ben is mostly right. I wouldn’t call someone a cunt or fag onstage, but I would like to in real life sometime.
But even on stage you can’t get away with everything. However what I was saying is what you can get away with is based a lot on the social/racial/economical group to which you belong and the stereotypes the audience associates with that group and that group’s relative position (socially, economically etc) to the audience or the group that you are insulting.
hence women comics can say fag, fags can say cunt, black comics can say spic and nigger while white heterosexual males better be damn funny to say anything about about anyone outside their group (like Louis CK says “nigger” in his act and since the bit is both hilarious and brilliant you don’t see it on the news like you did Kramer)
Nun,
how does it feel to be “out thought” by a Ben? Maybe you should quit thinking and stick to whoring.
why do people keep their pets alive when clearly God and the rest of the world wants them dead?
I had a friend whose dog was old and had cancer. The dog was in constant pain and had to be on pain killers and go through chemo (which is very expensive) and the girl kept putting out money to keep the dog alive. Clearly it’s a selfish endeavor. After all, all dogs go to heaven.
I’ve seen comics say “cunt” onstage and get laughs, Josh. Maybe you’re just not that funny.
And I don’t believe I was “out-thought” by ben.
like I said you can say it if it’s funny, but the level of the joke has to be much higher if you are not in the group you are talking about. that was my point.
Nun,
I know I am not funny, that’s my other point.
As soon as my old man indicates that it is time for him to move on, I will do what I can to assist. However, I will not kill him just because it’s financially easier. Are you going to kill your mom because she’s old or has cancer?
i’ve been getting a lot of ‘for once mostly right’ accolades lately. i’m on a roll!
but what about being an insult comic??? could you get away with that stuff if that was your schtick??? or would the fact that you’re a retardo ching-chong derpy derp get in the way?
it’s funny you guys both have old old cats too. i’ve had one for about 19 years and it just recently came back from the vet and left for 3 days and hasn’t come back. i heard that sometimes cats do that when they’re close to the end and want to find someplace in nature to die.
i also think it’s funny you call them ‘older kitties.’
Nun,
I’m going to kill my mother, not because she’s old and has cancer, but because I want her stuff. That’s the American way.
Ben,
Even insult comics have to start off as unknowns, and then the audience is not forgiving. I guess you could use a hook. I mean Lisa Lamp (who I think sucks) has this whole thing of insulting black men because she says she fucks them, meanwhile her husband is Jewish.
Cats are solitary creatures, ben. Most of them do prefer to pass away on their own. You have my sympathies… well, you would if I wasn’t an evil slutty type person with no concern for anybody else but myself.
Has anyone seen Anne? Perhaps she has disappeared because she is close to the end and wants to find someplace in nature to die.
I’ve often found the shock comics much more amusing than your standard run-of-the-mill stand-up. Quite often, stand-up comedy does not make me laugh yet a shock comic will almost always bring a chuckle… even if it’s only because I’m thinking “AHAHA!! I can’t believe he just fucking said that!!”.
My cat has no worldly possessions so, as you can see, there is no reason for me to murder him senselessly.
I think Anne’s faeries will surround her with love and compassion when she gets close to the end.
josh-is that for real? lisa lampanelli doesn’t fuck black guys?
i like all various forms of standup. it’s like songwriting-sometimes the delivery just makes up for a weak joke. give two people the same bit, one of them might be funny and the other one just sucks. on the flipside, i’ve often compared singing to standup. it’s more about the tone and timing of the delivery and coming off as genuine than it is about technically singing notes…at least 90% of it.
who said it?
what people want is sincerity. if you can fake that you’ve got it made.
i hope you guys weren’t expecting me to get the point anytime in that last comment.
I’m sure Lisa Lamp has tasted the black rod, but not anywhere to the frequency of which she brags.
I agree with you cracka, any form of entertainment is 90% delivery.
Given my adventures in Teenzilla Land, I’m about ready to wander off with ben’s cat.
A high - sided box, Nun, I was hoping to keep the litter contained. I’ll find something shorter and try that.
She’s deaf, so maybe not being able to hear things makes her uneasy about not seeing stuff when she’s in the litter box.
There’s ben’s cat! He’s going to Kitty Heaven! And guess what? In Kitty Heaven, cats can talk…..
ben, your Heavenly Kitty is going to smite you for buying cheap cat food.
Kitty wanted Iams, you got Purina. Dumb move, ben.
Cracka, we’re used to your drug-fueled ramblings, sometimes we have a drinking game - whenever you say ‘Whore’ we all take a sip.
Kitty’s pissed that you wouldn’t do that 5:00 a.m. cat massage.
here, kitty kitty
not cool.
too soon.
shut up ben.
you bitch.
go ruin some young minds you cunt.
What will you do with your quickening, ben?
okay, not cool. I give you that. When did we get cool around here? Hmmmmmm????
I would not tap this:
http://www.tvgasm.com/newsgasm/lisa_lampanelli.jpg
Who are you and what have you done with the real Anne??
Anne would not make fun of the loss of a dearly loved pet… even if it was ben’s pet.
Yo,
I can’t say for sure as I don’t know your kitty but I’m going to guess that her box had become too large and frightening for her. Once she realizes that she has a smaller and more compact box, she might be more inclined to use it. Also, if your cat is small in stature and suffering from arthritis, it might have been painful for her old bones to step into a large-sided box.
See, ben called me a cunt, and he’s not a comedian. So I’m insulted. Unless he’s a fag. Then it’s funny.
We draw the line at cats and children.
I’m the real Anne. And big enough to apologize. Sorry, ben. Too soon.
ben,
What did you feed your kitty? 19 years is a long time for a cat and cats who live that long usually had a pretty good diet… especially if said kitty was an outdoors kitty which it sounds like yours is.
But I’m not drawing the line at children. @#$#@@# Teenzilla!!!!!
i’m going to use my quickening to get a new cat.
…
…
wait, a quickening from God’s blog won’t allow that. i’ll just use it to drop a quick 5 pounds.
I think ben is genuinely upset. He called Anne a ‘cunt’ but more than that, he got a quickening and didn’t even seem to care.
Yo,
Do we really draw the line at children? Look at the way Anne talks about her “spare” and the way I talk about my “little loser”.
my cat was definitely an outdoors cat. she ate all kinds of food over the years, but a lot of fancy feast. her tastes evolved into the finer things such as eating leftover steak or fish or sushi. she loved the good stuff.
towards the end she refused to eat anything though. she was only drinking water. they couldn’t get her to eat at the vet either.
Hmmm… maybe ben isn’t genuinely upset.
I’ve told my cats they’d better stay the fuck healthy, because in this economy, I can’t afford vet bills.
Her kidneys failed, ben.
Per my old man’s doctor: older cats usually succumb to kidney failure or cancer.
Seriously, ben, I’ll try to make it up to you even though you got a quickening and called me a cunt.
Your cat has gone off with the faeries. Unlike God, who hates cats, faeries love cats. And faeries wouldn’t want you to have to watch your old friend suffer.
(picture Holly Hunter crying in Raising Arizona when Nic Cage brought home “stolen baby” when you read that so you can properly guage my emotions)
Take it from someone who has been handed more than one dead kitten — it’s better when they wander away.
You pukes are right. I can’t be mean. It isn’t in me.
I disagree, Anne but that’s just me. If I’ve spent my time raising a cat and loving them and being their friend, I’d prefer to be there with them when they pass on. I would be devastated and heart-broken if my old man passed on alone. However, he was a runt that I hand-fed so he and I have a special bond.
#424: I’m not mean enough to keep Teenzilla in line. But I’ve seen her reduce Marine Corps drill sergeants to tears. So maybe I should let her post here.
i agree, i’m very glad that she wandered off to die in the wild. it’s beautiful and i will never forget it.
i’m not happy about losing her, i loved that cat. she had 6 toes on her front feat and followed me home from the comic book store when i was 10.
but i am happy that she doesn’t have to suffer anymore.
Nun, that’s true about the child. I withdraw my statement.
Our cat is an indoor/outdoor cat, but she doesn’t go out much, or far when she does. I find her in the shed (which has a cat door) a lot, sleeping on a tarp.
Our ‘younger’ cat is 13-14, he left a dead mouse on the doorstep this morning, possible for our breakfast.
*feet.
Yeah, we disagree on this Nun, cuz I watched my dad get thumped around in a nursing home, and I came home and told my cats, “First sign of sickness, you go to the faeries.”
“thumped around in a nursing home”??
Oh! A few months ago I raised three kittens with six toes. I loved their huge feet. God sucks for hating cats.
My dad had Parkinson’s Disease, and then he broke his hip and was totally immobile. And he was wretched. He was pretty out of it, but when they asked him if he wanted to sign a DNR, he knew damn well what that meant — and signed. But he suffered a wretched last 9 months.
Then he died and I got his stuff! And not a moment too soon, because I got laid off when he got hurt, and I needed his lump sum retirement! Thanks, Dad!
Yo,
The dead mouse is a sign of pure love but I’m sure you already know that. My gray kitty used to always bring me dead animals until I explained to him that I knew he loved me and he didn’t have to bring me prey to show his love for me. He hasn’t brought me a dead animal since he and I had that conversation. Y’all will call me crazy but I think cats are capable of understanding far more than we give them credit for.
He didn’t believe in God. Great guy.
One thing about cats. Definitely some are smarter than others. My older cat is very intelligent. My younger one is retarded. How many times do I have to push that cat off the bed at 5:00 in the morning before she realizes I won’t pet her just because the sun has risen?
I only kept Cat #2 because she was dropped in my backyard and was so ugly she never would have been adopted from a shelter.
That’s persistance and not retardation, Anne. Cats are smart. If you want to see a retarded animal, you should look at my dog… I never should have named her Scully.
ben’s a grown man who owns a cat.
he’s a fag. a fag who can’t shut up.
shut up, ben.
the rest of you should get together and drink every time you hear cracka say:
FUCK OFF!!!
happy dead soldier day!
God, maybe You should put the dead soldier post up for memorial day to remind these sentimental fools WHY the fucking soldiers are dead in the first place. i mean, really, shouldn’t we be memorializing Your bodacious soldier smiting powers instead of the soldiers themselves?
I’ll bet Cracka’s got two or three gerbils by his bed. For thrills.
But I agree about the dead soldier post. Perfect timing.
Nun, I always thank the cat (and the older cat, when she brought us presents), and don’t act disgusted, which I’ve seen some people do.
Sometimes I wish I knew what they’re thinking, but guess it’s best we don’t.
I have new-found respect for you, Yo.
Even if you are a crazy, old coot.
Cracker -
Capital idea. I unleashed that post last year on Memorial Day, so it is time to bring it back.
Dead soldiers are cool.
God,
Do You have a Deity allergy to mortal cats?
God’s one of those “manly” men who don’t like cats. You know, like the “real” men who hate cats. Mmmm hmmmm.
Yes, I am allergic to cats because they are Satanic.
They’re not Satanic, they’re faerie!!!!!
*Anne pictures God sneezing when a kitten walks by*
There are no ‘faeries.’ They don’t exist moron.
There is no God. You don’t exist, retard.
wow you’re dumb anne. that was God’s point. fairies are no more real than God is.
do you really believe in fairies or do you just like the whole culture of it, like people like Harry Pooter?
I think Anne just likes the fact that believing in fairies means that when she gets a little older and goes completely senile, people will just think she’s became a more devote follower.
2045 Anne: “Oh my goodness I just saw a group of wood elves run in here and take my denture cream! Call the police!”
Orderly: “Oh Anne, even in your old age you are still very religious”
2045 Anne: “But I’m serious”
Orderly: “We know you are Anne, we know you are”
Actually I just believe that there are things out there greater than human beings, and dimensions we don’t comprehend with the five senses. So we take all the weird stuff and assign it to “God” or “faeries” or whatever. I like assigning the weird stuff to faeries because God is a dick.
#454 — I believe it was MY point that believing in faeries is no dumber than believing in God. Except when God smites, it’s Hurricane Katrina, and when faeries smite, it’s a spilled glass of wine.
When God smites in the form of Hurricane Katrina, it’s really my vagina doing all the damage. I love my wicked cool vagina and it’s big, creepy Eye of God!!
God,
Thanks a lot for putting that State Patrolman where he was so I got a ticket. I really appreciate all the Divine Love You show me. Could You please stop?
God’s allergic to cats… heheh… that’s adorable. Divinely Adorable so it’s completely respectful.
Damn, God! Lay off Nun, okay? Strep throat, traffic ticket, having to attend Little League… Shit! What did she do to You?
Oh yeah, and thanks for causing Mr. Johnson’s car to break down. He had to re-schedule an interview with Joe Frazier. I know for a fact that Mr. Johnson is going to tell Smokey Joe that You smote his car.
I told Him to “piss off”, Anne. That’s what I did. I can understand His anger with me but enough is enough. I can’t help if I was born with a vagina and therefore lack brains.
Anne,
Based on your argument God is only an asshole because you decide that He is responsible for big shit. I personally think hurricane Katrina was the work of the Hurricane Fairy along with the Poverty Sprites.
God won’t be able to smite me when wearing this shirt!
http://www.amazon.com/Three-T-Shirt-Available-Various-Sizes/product-reviews/B000NZW3IY/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_1?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&sortBy=bySubmissionDateDescending
HAHA!! This guy says “special” just like my burro and I. He’s also very fine, I would so totally fuck him.
Do you know him, Josh?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3IFUNIa2NU8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pfFRv_1XdDM
Stephen Lynch is God and if he isn’t, they should hang out. Seems Mr. Lynch might be a poon-hound like our Dear Ol’ God as well as other similarities.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ah7ALC2xrA8
Watch it, Josh. He mentions “cunt”.
Faggy Satan:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=swGBlDn_yiI
Evil kittens:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oOfb9XgYlk4
Seriously, God, if You’re not embarking on Divine Ether Binges with Lynch then You probably should be. Please take me with You.
I wonder what ever happened to Stephen Lynch.
ok, i see on his site he is currently touring the world. i guess people must like his songs or something.
I’ve seen him around at the clubs, not really a fan.
If you take the music away, the actual words are bad. TO me he’s the Kanye West of comedy.
If you take the music away you take away his act. I think it’s actually a clever method of delivery. However, most of his songs are dreary. I didn’t even really like D&D when I wanted to. However, that Special Fred/Ed shit is fucking funny. I like that song a lot. And the gynecologist one was pretty funny and there’s a priest one that’s pretty funny. Come to think of it, I seem to just like his controversial songs. What I do like about the guy is the subjects he’s tackling.
HOTTIE!
come on Josh, just admit it, you’re envious of his success. Kanye West is pretty good. you don’t get to be that successful for no reason.
La-la-la-la-wait till i get my money, right-la-la-la-la
then they can’t tell me nothing, right?
that shit is brill.
would I like his level of success? Sure I would. Would I want it doing that act? No sir I would not.
I am just offering my opinion. Clearly the guy is good at what he does to some people. My personal opinion is musical acts are not really stand up. For example his “Ugly Baby” song would not be funny or even tolerated if it was not a song. Calling a baby ugly is not really a joke when all you’re doing is calling the baby ugly.
oh and Kanye is successful because he is a brilliant producer. His rhymes? Dude “borrows” from so many movies and comics it’s ridiculous. He’s got Happy Gilmore quotes in one rhyme, then Chris Rock in another.
and the stuff he does write, it’s not pulitzer.
Don’t ever fix your lips like collagen
Say something were you gone end up apologing.
WTF is “apologin”? Making up words to rhyme means you got suspect skills.
plus, he’s a gay fish.
Teenzilla just told her sister, “I wish you were never born.” Reason? Because her sister got good grades.
ANYONE. ANYONE. ANYONE. PLEASE TAKE THIS CREATURE.
I like Kanye West because he’s probably the biggest fag in the whole wide world. I don’t think he’s gay, just a fag. I would also so totally fuck him because he’s black.
Josh,
I think part of Lynch’s act is his shock value. Maybe the ugly baby song isn’t funny but it’s the fact that he’s calling somebody’s baby ugly when you know that nobody in real life ever wants to tell someone that their baby is ugly. It’s a little like this blog in song. I really think God and Lynch should hang out and if Lynch God(if God were a mortal, that is) then sorry for outing you, dude.
Anne,
Teenzilla sometimes reminds me of my sister without the Jesus-freakiness. Don’t let her grow up to tell people she was battered by a man when in reality, she just got so fucking drunk that she fell of a fucking deck.
Anne,
Drop Teenzilla off at my house. We will operate on a work to eat system. She doesn’t do dishes and get good grades, then that yummy Bologna sandwich goes to the dog.
she’d be out whoring herself on the streets of brooklyn in a week.
and she’d TRANSFOOORM!!! into WhoreZilla
#475 Nun,
that’s my point the truly great comics like Rock, Louis CK, Chappelle etc can call a baby ugly without a catchy melody to soften the blow. They use pure skill with words to do it. Hell Louis CK used to do a whole bit on how he hated his little kids and they were assholes. Hardly exceptable but he’s so good you’ll shit your pants laughing.
how is that not acceptable? on what planet of comedy do you live Josh?
Calling your infant kids assholes usually doesn’t go over too well at the PTA meeting. What planet are you on?
oh, well no, not at the PTA meeting, but during standup?
i have a question. have you actually ever tried ‘working blue’? maybe it would suit you better. you certainly like this website enough.
true you get away with a lot on stage, but there are lines you still can not cross unless you are that good; like Kramer dropping N bombs. Louis CK drops the n bomb in his act and he’s such a good writer and comic the audience goes with him, even without a catchy tune to back him up.
I work in the middle. Working blue screws you out of the big money for a long time (limits the colleges you can work, no corporate gigs, etc.)
oh yeah, most comics, myself included start off blue. If you watch a tape of the first time I got on stage it’s full of curses for no reason. Well there is a reason: it’s an easy laugh or shock and it makes you comfortable up there. You’ll see if you even sack up and try it.
I like cerebral stand-ups. Steven Wright cracks me up, and he hardly moves his lips.
Josh, Teenzilla would not work for food. She would just camp on your couch, watch t.v., and consider it a diet.
Oh my! It’s 12:20 p.m. and she just got out of bed! Such an earlybird!
Ummm Anne,
TV is a privilege that you only get though working, just like the internet. NOw that I think of it, sitting on a comfy couch is also a privilege.
I miss the old days when moms and dads put a lock on the fuse box and shut off power to the entertainment areas of the house unless work was done and grades were at least a “B”
Anne,
you’re a hippie and you raise kids like a hippie.
12:20 PM? My mom would have been in my room at 9 with a bucket of ice water and a list of chores.
once I forgot to wash the dishes before I went to be. My mom waited until 4 AM to remind me and make me do it. Needless to say, I never forgot again.
Josh,
You can’t compare “Kramer” to any other stand-up who used the word “nigger”… it was not part of Kramer’s act but part of his bitch-fit.
And I don’t think Louis CK is as great as you think he is. I think a lot of people wouldn’t even know the name. For myself, I don’t think he’s all that funny.
I also have to agree with ben a little bit… the ugly baby joke is not just restricted to “blue” comics. I’ve seen bits about ugly babies so many times that I didn’t even watch Lynch’s ugly baby song. The joke is over-played and nobody is crossing any lines by making a joke about somebody’s baby being ugly.
Now I would like to take this time to thank God for ruining my fucking holiday weekend. I have no kid for the whole weekend but can I do anything? NO!
I’m fucking sicker than a dog, not getting any better and the antibiotics are doing horrible things to my body. I’m fucking miserable!! 
I also don’t believe that I just have strep throat… strep doesn’t clog your nasal passages to the point where you can’t breathe without sounding like Darth Vader. Thanks a lot, God!!
maybe you should stop angering God nun. every time you do he says he’s going to smite you and then you actually do have bad things happen. i’m beginning to think this is actually God.
When was the last time God actually said He was going to smite me, ben? You’re remembering things said between Anne and I. Sometimes it would actually be nice if you paid attention.
I’ve obviously made a God smite happen just by thinking about it… I visualized it and made it happen. Damn me!
Nun,
Louis CK is good, he writes for Rock and is one of the people ROck has view his specials before the taping and offer notes.
CK is so good that Dane Cook stole 3, that’s right 3 jokes off of one of his albums. He is one of the greater writers out there and wrote for Conan and Letterman. In my opinion he doesn’t get the recognition he deserves because so much of his great work comes out of the mouths of others.
Hey Josh, I have a question. Do you memorize your act word-for-word? I went a few times to my hometown to see Carlin live. There was a nice old Vaudeville theater in the town, and he would rehearse his HBO specials there in front of an audience. He memorized everything. That’s why he needed to tour and do live shows.
How do I know he memorized? The final time I saw him live, he read part of the show off note cards. He said he hadn’t gotten it all down yet cuz he was in rehab.
Nun, I’m sorry to hear you’re sick! Does seem like you’ve had that sore throat for awhile. If it is strep, the antibiotics usually kick its ass in two days.
Anne,
I have my jokes memorized. However they rarely, if ever, come out on stage the way they were written.
no, that’s bullshit nun. very recently you told God to piss off and He promised to punish you.
get your fucking ears checked bitch.
Ben,
you mean eyes, get your eyes checked. This is a written blog not spoken word.
but alas you are right, Nun did tell God to piss off. Now she’s got a horrible case of Negro Throat. She bit off more than she could chew.
Nah.
It’s too easy.
One!
ben said: “very recently you told God to piss off and He promised to punish you.”
Do you even remember when I said that or are you just repeating what I said to Anne the other day? It’s actually been awhile since I said that so I don’t think that’s it, I think God is simply smiting me because I have a vagina.
And Jim is right, it’s “eyes” you fucking retard.
err… Josh is right. I’m fucking sick, damn it!
Hope ya get better soon, Nun. I had some shit earlier this year, lasted over 2 months. Musta done something to deserve it, of course.
nah Jim,
you’re just old and anything takes you out the game. Don’t break a hip old timer.
I just hope I get Alzheimer’s before the Almighty hip-smite; I won’t know what the fuck hit me.
Nun, at least you know you’ll get better. Ben will never not be retarded.
shutup cunt.
Ben, you are in one foul mood today, little rodent.
To me it seems as if Ben’s back is up against the wall and he’s coming out swinging. I can see his point as he’s been called a retard here since the very beginning and he keeps coming back. He’s even outlasted Bridgette. That’s something to be admired, but then again it’s a trait of the retarded.
one of the definitions of crazy is repeating the same action expecting different results.
to further back up Ben, why I’m doing this I have no idea, Nun said in this post that God had Anne’s feeble knowledge of computers and God even said she was in for it:
http://stuffgodhates.com/2009/05/the-almighty-jig/#comment-33689
one to many insults by Nun and she got the sore throat, which has upset many black men in her town
It’s Tuesday now, Ben has called me a cunt again, oh so classy, and I hope Nun is better in time to …
FUCK! 
Go back to work. Oh well, Nun, at least your burro is there.
ben is too stupid to come up with another word.
And I just had to call in sick. Until I figure out what’s wrong with me, I probably shouldn’t expose my co-workers. I’m fucking miserable!
Because I had the worst holiday weekend in memory and because I’m freakin’ miserable and can’t have any fun, I watched a Land of the Lost marathon all day yesterday. The special effects are cheesey but man, I loved that show when I was a wee one.
whore.
She. Is.Not.A.Whore.
However, check your boxers. I think you’re a shim.
Nun, if you still have a sore throat after 4 days of antibiotics, you do not have strep.
yeah, afraid johnson is (gulp) right. if they gave you antibiotics and they’re not working you need to go back. maybe they’ll prescribe fairy dust!!
maybe nun is mexican?
Fairy dust does not work on sore throats. However, it is wonderful for lifting the mood. Think of it as off-label Valium, in unending quantities.
oh wretched unbelievers!
Nun,
you should drink unicorn pee. It’s good for what ales you.
no. dragon semen. it’s the only thing that works on sore throats.
nun will be shouting “RICOLA!” just as soon as she heads down to the pool hall and sucks off some biker named dragon.
ben can give you directions.
you need to be clear Cracka, Ben can’t give you directions to the pool hall you need to use google for that. Ben can give you directions on how Dragon likes it.
i thought the double entendre was implied.
one thing i do need to be clear about is who will take up the mantle of whoreness if nun dies. i nominate ben.
shut up, whore.
hopefully it won’t come to it, but i’m prepared to elevate ben all the way up to “whore” status.
I won’t defend him if you do.
Crap! Nun must be really sick! So what you’re left with is a pale imitation of her.
Cracka, your dick sure is small.
God, I love you a little bit.
I dig black guys.
Anne i know nun, nun’s a friend of mine, and you ma’am are no nun.
johnson, you make a worse whore than you do a pagan.
I had an allergic reaction to the antibiotics. Therefore, said antibiotics did not do their job, they merely fucked me up beyond belief and my doctor feels super-bad. The bacterial infection got into my sinuses and now they can’t treat me until my allergic reaction to the antibiotic passes. I am now stuck at home for the next 3-5 days but at least they’re doping me up so maybe I can sleep more than two fucking hours at a time. I’m still pretty fucking miserable. Maybe I’ll watch hours upon hours of X-Files… up till season 9 anyway. It always super bums me out when Scully gives up her baby. I don’t want to be miserable and depressed.
It’s the Mercury Retrograde. Fucking everything up! It ends on May 31. Just so you know.
ouch.
that sucks.
johnson, it’s not magic.
i guess we’ll just have to go whoreless for a few days.
No, Scully gave up her baby because of alien forces conspiring to kidnap him, not Mercury Retrograde Silly, Anne.
Seriously though, there’s an X-Files episode you should definitely watch… third season, “Syzygy”… two high school girls were born on the same day and there’s a planetary alignment that makes them go psycho wiggy and kill high school boys. It also makes Mulder and Scully go a little cranky wiggy. The episode is fucking hilarious. Mulder tells Scully at one point that he didn’t think she could drive because he wasn’t sure her little feet could reach the pedals. There’s also a transvestite(the town’s pediatrician) who wears Mulder’s favorite perfume. Great fucking episode with Ryan-Hottie-Reynolds.
yeah, i remember that one. it’s good.
Good my ass. Don’t deny the greatness that is “Syzygy”, Cracka.
Hate him, wouldn’t want to date him.
The horny beast.
Scully smoking, Mulder drinking.
Scully running a stop sign and telling Mulder to shut up when he points it out to her.
The last I heard, the Federal Government couldn’t pay it’s bills.
Great episode.
Oh yeah… the car seat is so far forward it’s practically in the engine compartment so Scully’s little feet could reach the pedals.
but there’s just one problem there….
i am a whore. i admit it.
That must be pretty sad, ben… being a whore with no customers.
no customers?!!! at the dick sucking factory???!!!!
this recession is worse than i thought.
ben’s serving indentured fag-itude.
Fran Tarkenton is a very smart man and I whole-heartedly agree with his opinion of Fag Favre.
http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/blog/shutdown_corner/post/Fran-Tarkenton-will-not-be-welcoming-Brett-Favre?urn=nfl,166234
I’m so full of love for God right now. And black guys. I sure do love me some Heavenly God and well-hung black guys. Black guys with small penises shouldn’t be allowed to live… they just dirty up all their brothers with their tiny black penises.
clean up the mongrels’ gene pool you’re sayin’? i can get on board with that logical fallacy.
fran tarkenton theory floating around here:
he was the original scrambler/ad-libber/gunslinger. he feels like he never got credit for being that guy because he went 0-3 in the big one. so, it’s basically jealousy. he hates favre because favre is credited with being what tarkenton was. and sir francis didn’t throw the picks.
I didn’t mean the Mercury Retrograde was in the X-Files. I mean that right now the stars are aligned in a Mercury Retrograde. And when that happens, shit hits the fan.
Just ask black males in Philadelphia. All of them are dangerous, felonious abductors out to get blonde white women.
http://www.philly.com/philly/news/pennsylvania/20090528_Abduction_hoax_ends_at_Disney_World__girl_safe.html
um, johnson, that’s got less to do with astrology and more to with black men being dangerous, felonious abductors out to get blonde white women.
I know that’s not what you meant, Anne. I was just pointing out something in The X-Files that might interest you… I don’t think that episode is particularly scary either.
And Cracka is right, black men love to rape the white women regardless of astrological feats of wonder. They also like to cause general mayhem and chaos. Oh, those silly, violent darkies.
did you have a well-hung black customer recently nun?
The word “customer” does not apply to darkies, ben. You have to actually pay for stuff to be a “customer”.
ben is an idiot. it’s a good thing you didn’t die, he wouldn’t last one weekend as a whore.
why me idiot?
so you saying you no charge black assholes? no fair. what if you white and well hung. you one racist ho.
God,
You know for an Almighty Being, you are all too human. I almost feel sorry for you.
Ben #550,
being white and well hung is an oxymoron, or to state it in more specific terms the two characteristics are mutually exclusive.
Furthermore, Nun has already stated she is a racist and prefers the taste of dark meat. You’re just restating the obvious.
Now if you’ll excuse me, as a darkie I have to go work on my alibi., just in case any blonde white women get raped in my neighborhood.
http://comedians.comedycentral.com/patrice-o-neal/videos/patrice-o-neal—paper-trail
No alibi will serve you, Josh. If you’re black, you shove blondes into the trunk of your car and drive them to Disney World. This is America, get used to it.
So you’re saying you can’t be white and have a big penis? that’s not only racist, it’s just dumb. i realize it’s supposed to be a joke, but it’s not funny because there isn’t a shred of truth to it.
that’s it. i’m putting out an APB on a ching-chong durky dur darkie in the Brooklyn area.
the only way a white man can get a big’un is through divine quickenings. don’t go talking about porn stars either. those guys are only part white. i’m talking about 100% white, practically british they’re so white. those guys. tiny peni. (peni-that’s the plural form of little penis)
now if you’ll excuse me, i need to go masturbate.
I hope Nun will get better soon.
why? do you get off on the insults?
what kind of a sick pervert are you?!!!
Bei’s whole fantasy life revolves around Nun.
Mine doesn’t, but I too hope she gets well soon.
Also, I don’t know about the rest of you, but the more time God puts into His Holy Comic, the higher my expectations are for it. And I set a high bar. I wanna see God beat Milk and Cheese. It cannot be done.
http://www.houseoffun.com/milkandcheese/index.html
johnson, i thought your real life WAS your fantasy life.
?????
is this some confuse and scatter battle tactic?! is there an army of unicorns waiting to ambush me when i wander away dazed?! i have seen this ruse before, johnson!
when i can’t figure something out i go straight to macho hostility. i have a lizard brain.
Josh is right that white men do not have large penii(please note the double i, Cracka for proper spelling). If a white man does have a large penis it is because of Almighty Quickenings like Cracka said or they pretended they were black and they stole it from some unsuspecting black guy. ben is too stupid to understand this but it’s really no surprise, ben is too stupid to understand much of anything.
Anne is right too about the darkies. If you’re black, you shove white women in the trunk of your car or you carjack from white women with their little white babies in the backseat and then you drive the car into a lake so those little white babies pay the ultimate price for being little white babies.
.
.
.
All joking aside, people like Susan Smith and this Sweeten chick really piss me off and make me angry with the white hot intensity of a thousand solar giants. Fucking white bitches.
I too hope I get well soon and I appreciate the well wishes from all you heathens who believe in nothing. I’ve been able to sleep which makes me happier than you can imagine but today I seem to be experiencing a shortness of breath that I find disturbing. I don’t want to go back to the doctor!!
maybe you should post your living will here.
i’m curious. to whom shall you bequeath your meat curtains?
I should probably bequeath my meat curtains to my many beloved darkies.
I’ll leave my pornos to Josh because I’m full of much love for Josh and his retarded ching-chong ways.
For Cracka I leave my strap-ons. Your oaken penis won’t last forever and you know it as well as I do.
For Anne I will leave one set of X-Files DVDs.
For Bei I shall leave my large and luscious titties.
Bridgette can have my numerous bibles.
I leave my dictionary and encyclopedia set for ben.
I leave the Metamucil I got as a gag gift for darling Yo.
For Smoggy I leave my dog, Scully. That should need no explanation and I think they’d both be very happy with each other. Except my Scully is not very bright, Smog. She’s a bit stupid actually. I never should have named her Scully.
For Hume I leave nothing. He’s dead. And per a vision from the Almighty One, our Brazilian friends are dead too so they get nothing as well.
Um, Nun, could I maybe have those X-Files videos while you’re still alive? Cuz Teenzilla and I were just at the video store, and they didn’t have ONE SINGLE X-FILE SEASON!
They also didn’t have “Zoolander,” which is what Teenzilla wanted. I’m hoping her tastes in comedy will change when she becomes human.
One teeny correction: I do believe in something. I believe in fairies. Yep, I really do.
Zoolander is a horrible flick, Anne. It really is. I admit to watching it not because of Ben Stiller but because of David Duchovny. The first time I turned it off, you have to go into it knowing you’re watching really stupid comedy. The second time I watched it all the way through and I admit that there are parts that made me laugh but all in all, I thought it was pretty bad.
#565 - I believe in shit too but it doesn’t matter to Bridgette.
Do me a favor, Josh. Don’t run through your neighborhood. Running with dark skin is bad.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090529/ap_on_re_us/us_cop_shoots_cop
Josh, if you want to run, move to Kenya. I think you would be safe there, out in the savanna. And maybe you’d win the Olympics.
Driving to Saturday water aerobics, the only class not filled with supersized hippos. Have to pass the women’s clinic. It’s a nice morning. All the anti-abortion motherfuckers were out in force. I saw a young woman trying to get out of her car. They swooped in on her.
Damn clinic is on a busy street.
Can’t just pull over and bust some white male heads. 
I’m gonna put some fairies to work at that place. Don’t laugh. I mean it.
so….you’re gonna have the place redecorated??? that seems misplaced.
Your mama’s misplaced.
Nun, it’s been more than a week. Are you better???
don’t worry Nun and Anne, whenever I jog I night I do it in white face. I’ve never been shot, but some brothers have tried to rob me a few times.
that was me, I’m usuing a different computer.
Yeah, we never would have figured that out if you didn’t clarify, Josh.
Anne - #571,
NO! I’m starting to get a little pissed off and angry about the whole fucking thing too.
The Mercury Retrograde ended today, so maybe you’ll start to get better. This was a terrible Retrograde. Just awful. Even God couldn’t communicate through it.
Yes, that temperamental bastard God seems to have gone AWOL, hasn’t he? (I was just over at your blog, Anne, which explains my choice of “temperamental” as the adjective, rather than my usual choice, “psycho.”)
And Nun, I too hope you are feeling better soon. Have you gone for a second doctor’s opinion? Maybe your first doctor got his credentials off some internet site for $5.
She’s been my doctor for a long time. If I die, she’ll be sad. I make her laugh. I’ll also haunt her if I die so there’s that.
God has not abandoned us, it just feels that way. It’s like that footprints motivational poster where God is carrying you when there’s only one set of footprints. Except He’s really tossed us in a burlap sack and thrown us over His Divine Shoulder. We’re in the burlap sack because mortals never shut up. Sometimes at night, after a mind-blowing orgasm, I can hear Him grumbling about us… or maybe it’s just the sound of a black man snoring.
I thought I heard God grumbling the other night, but it was only the cat throwing up.
MY CARTOON IS DONE YOU IMPUDENT HEATHENS!!
Here it is on YouTube:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gIY5kLEziek&feature=channel_page
Nun, I will take good care of Scully. I will teach her to herd sheep. She will be very happy in Noo Zilland and there will always be fresh ram’s testicles in her foodbowl.
Sob
Smoggy
All joking aside, Scully would probably really enjoy herding sheep, Smog. My dog, not the character from that wicked cool television show called The X-Files… that Scully probably wouldn’t appreciate herding sheep at all.
Heh…she might enjoy herding sheep the way I do it Nun.
Baa…baaaa…oh yes…oh yessss!!
Well, she’s a girl, Smog. Are you planning on hooking her up with a strap-on?
I think it would be kind of funny to go into an X-Files message board and talk about how Scully wore a strap-on to fuck a sheep, I just won’t specify that the “Scully” in question is my canine.