Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
BOW BEFORE ME MORTALS! AT ANY TIME I CAN DECIDE YOU’RE A NASTY WRETCH AND DAMN YOU TO HELL! You had better respect, love and worship Me if you wish to stay on My fucking good side.
One group of people I absolutely despise are all those who hate abortion. I HATE THEM!
Abortion is all part of My Divine Plan. Shouldn’t that be obvious?! If it is happening on Earth, it is because I allow it to. To suggest otherwise shows an extreme lack of faith and suggests that I am not ALL-POWERFUL.
Don’t these people fucking know?! If I truly hated abortion as they say, I would snap My Fingers and make it go away. Why would I bless doctors with the talent they need to smite babies on My Behalf, if I didn’t want them to? I TELL YOU IT MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING SENSE!
These pro-life assholes are all complete retards! They think they love Me, but they don’t even fucking know ME!
And they’re IMMORAL! Do not listen to a word they say. How dare they try to save the lives of babies I want dead?! Haven’t these people ever heard of original sin?
Fact is, there are plenty of babies and fetuses out there that flat-out just don’t deserve to be born. Which is why I send all aborted babies straight to hell.
I REPEAT: I thoroughly resent anyone who attempts to alter My Divine Plan to kill evil babies before they’re born. These anti-abortion nitwits will tell you that I, The Lord, hate abortion. NOTHING COULD BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH!
I LOVE ABORTION! Abortion is awesome. It’s a really useful way to kill blasphemous babies. Oh, I know I could always just cause a miscarriage, but I find it a lot more amusing to make the mother kill the baby herself. The only problem I have with modern abortions is that they’re too clean. I miss the olden days when mothers would pay local ruffians to punch them in the stomach. Much more entertaining.
I AM GOD AND I CREATED ABORTION. Can you stupid humans handle that?!
freebiesss on 
TheEvilOverlord on 
God on 
Craig on 
samanta on 
ShunRenHu on 
Inescapable logic.
But without more blasphemous babies, doesn’t the population of potential heathen scum slowly dwindle?… and was the Rapture a clerical error, and we are all just waiting for the Raptors to come claw us to death?! Could Holy-wood be prohets of our own demise?! ;P
I’m confused, God… If abortion is part of Your Divine Plan, then aren’t the pro-life jerkwads also part of The Plan? Why create the anti-abortionists in the first place?
“Why create the anti-abortionists in the first place?”
To give the rest of us someone to laugh at.
Maebius: Alas, the population of blasphemous bastards does not get wiped out just by killing babies. If only it were that simple. Many people become evil in the womb, but most do so later in life and must then be smoten.
John Frum: They are not part of The Plan. These idiots choose to go against My Divine Will by being anti-pro-choice. They have the free will to make this choice, unlike babies, who cannot choose whether or not they should be killed. I make that choice.
God,
The ghetto abortion doesn’t always work. I paid some scruffy ruffian to punch me repeatedly in my pregnant and swollen belly and all that happened is I birthed a loser who’s a little on the stupid side.
Also, God… please smite Your followers that show no patience for You. Why’d You have to make mortals so greedy and self-absorbed?
I sat for 5 hours yesteday with my burro and watched Bleak House. We still have about 3 hours left to watch. None of you will care because you’re unrefined and scruffy but Anne might. Anne, if you haven’t seen Bleak House from 2005 then you really should if you’re any kind of fan of Dickens.
Nun,
no one here is as big a fan of dickings as you are.
You see, Josh. If you weren’t so unrefined and retarded, you’d know the difference between Dickens and dicks. Gillian Anderson is in it and she’s absolutely brilliant but fully clothed all the way through so it would be of no interest to you.
“The only problem I have with modern abortions is that they’re too clean.”
Great post, God. I can only hope some lady asks me to punch her in her pregnant stomach. Anne, you need help?
I know the difference Nun.
Gillian Anderson fully clothed is far better than Bridgette fully naked.
Thanks for the clarification God. I knew there had to be a rational explanation.
josh has nothing to say about the topic of this post and nothing to say about abortion. He is only interested in serious x-files talk.
josh is a fag.
Why are you so stupid and so incapable of reading, ben? Nobody mentioned The X-Files.
i love aborted fetuses. they taste great.
shut up, ben.
said.
Cracka loves the taste of aborted fetuses. Is that why you work in a hospital?
shutup Nun. Gillian Anderson is ugly.
I don’t think you should be talking about who is or isn’t ugly, ben. Remember, we’ve seen your picture.
Besides, I’d say you’re vastly outnumbered when it comes to your opinion of Gillian Anderson.
Yes and I’m handsome when I’m not making a funny face. Gillian Anderson has a dry cunt filled with sand and spiders.
what the fuck does any of this have to do with gillian anderson? isn’t she like a million years old by now anyway? who cares if she’s pretty? i saw like 20 pretty girls on my way to work—whoop-dee-fuckin-doo.
aborted fetuses are tender like veal. eat them fresh, it’s not like angus beef, they’ll get gamey. also—fava beans and a nice chianti. slurp-slurp.
you know who’s pretty?
what’s that? you don’t give a shit?
DIE, BABY HEATHEN SCUM!!!!!!!!!!
recipe:
slowly heat pregnant crackheads in hot bath
give crackheads crack until the water turns bright red
voila—miscarriage soup.
*party tip!
*add vodka to serve as aperitif
Tastes like veal? I love veal!
All this time I imagined they tasted like liver.
Aborted fetus. Hmmm.
it’s tender like veal.
tastes more like gooseliver.
*inject with garlic butter for an added kick!
Your face is always funny looking, ben but I don’t begrudge you for your denial.
God,
My son has turned into an expert when it comes to lying. He’ll look a mortal straight in the eye and lie. What advice have You for a mere mortal with evil spawn?
fetus foie gras
go with it, nun. teach him to use his evil powers for personal gain. try to direct his evil for God’s smiting purposes…like dexter.
this makes my top disciple count 100.
it’s a personal century quickening!!!
not even that sneaky minority josh can steal this one.
ben sees “tender like veal” and reads “tastes like veal”. Seriously ben, do you know how to read?
Cracka,
Quite honestly, I’m more than a tad concerned as is his teacher. I tend to be painfully realistic about things that most people like to deny so I have horrible visions on what the future might hold for my child. Is he a future felon? Is he a future mass-destructor of mortal lives? Is he a pathalogical liar? Or is he simply the spawn of Satan?
Fuck!
Hey Ben,
When you’re working at the factory, do people offer to punch you in your seed filed cheeks?
Man these NBA playoffs are pretty good this year.
Everybody Hates Chris = cancelled
Life = cancelled
Ben’s Comedy Career = never was
his mom reads it to him.
he tells her what he wants to say. she types it in…BUT CENSORS IT! the kicker? ben is actually funny, but his mom waters his jokes down to suckiness. poor, stupid, retarded, illiterate ben.
nun, it’s never too late to abort.
maybe he needs a positive male role model besides mulder. i could always teach him how to drink straight whiskey without making a sourface. like in tombstone, only with more whores and guns.
No, Cracka. It has nothing to do with Mulder and his poor role modeling… unless you want your kid addicted to porn. It has everything to do with the fact that my kid is half black and prone to illegal behavior. My grandparents were right when they said that we shouldn’t be mixing the races.
shutup josh! your comedy career never should have been. OH SNAP!
Nun your child is just smart. He realizes that lying is the best policy because it’s what all the winner types do. He just wants to win so you will love him!
you’re a whore.
my God…
can it be?
i think ben might have a point.
a legitimate one that might not be worthy of mockery even.
still, i’d be happy to teach him about alcohol, tobacco and firearms. i’m assuming he already knows about whores…considering his firsthand knowledge from being birthed by one.
GOD DAMN IT!!
I. AM. NOT. A. WHORE!! 
DAMN YOU ALL! 
Aside from that evil whore comment, ben might indeed have a point.
if it turns out, after all is said and done, that ben truly has a point the shock may cause me to have a miscarriage of my own.
which would be delicious.
(nun, i think your improptu assrape may have impregnated me. i’ll just smoke crack until our butt-child falls out, i guess)
and please, for the love of Him, stop sneaking up on me with your biologically functional strapon!! jesus, talk about fucking rude!!!!
i wonder how real abortion fanatics would feel about this post. anybody game to spam their message boards with this?
Sorry but that’s how I roll, Cracka… with a biologically functional strap-on. Also, I will not be paying child support. I’m so dead-beat that I may as well be black.
God, you asshole, don’t pretend that you don’t get your hands dirty by performing overwhelmingly most of the abortions on our puny planet. It’s because of you I was walking around with 2/3 French-Canadian Blood. What a trickster god you are, Jehovah-1. I didn’t even know I was pregnant! I mean, hell, I didn’t want a kid in the first place, but you didn’t have to almost KILL me you bastard. You and Bob both are cruel and petty. I never thought you’d even waste your time on a blaspheming slacker like me.
look, whore, me and my perforated sphincter are God Damn sick and God Damn tired of oozing suffocated rape-babies out of my otherwise totally normal ass, all right?!!
God doesn’t consider ironically smiting blasphemous slackers a waste of time, allleeeee.
doesn’t anyone pay attention to Your Divine Word, God?
spam away, ben. some fundy lunatics posting rants about how they’re going to sue the internet for this horror could be entertaining. gonna be a slow afternoon around here.
Hellbound is such a good flick. I would so totally kill to be a cenobite.
run all you want, little one.
we have eternity to
KNOW
YOUR
FLESH!
It is not hands that call us but DESIRE. I love Pinhead’s delivery.
Hellbound Alleee,
Are you fat? Only fat people don’t know they are preggers. no offense, it’s a legit question.
Cracka,
You of all people fall for Ben logic? COme on. In Ben’s eyes everyone that is called a loser has to be a winner, it’s the only way he can justify his own existence.
“I am smart, I am funny. I’m totally pretending to be a retard unfunny ass on that blog, and I’ve got all those people on God’s blog. I’ve got them all fooled, just like I have my boss and my parents fooled. I’m the winner!!!!”
God, do I have your permission to throw stuff from my car at the abortion protesters I have to drive past every Saturday morning? What do you suggest I throw?
Thought we’d hear from Bridgette on this one. She’s probably give up on us and is instead hurling Scriptures at the posters on YouPorn.
I think Bridgette discovered that her husband was having an affair or something like that. Only a slap in the face by reality will make people like her shut up.
God,
What is Your policy on mortal advertising for this site? There are many, many places we could post links for Your Holy Blog if You’d like to associate with some of Your more cranky and devout followers but I have always refrained from that because a whole blog full of Bridgettes would not be enjoyable in my opinion.
Oh, there you and I disagree, Nun! I love seeing these Bridgette types get all pissy and judgmental … and then we just smack ‘em down. Trolls drive traffic to a blog. Our little clan of resident nasties here can handle them.
I know all about trolls. And unicorns. And faeries. And don’t think I didn’t read your comment, Josh, you meanie pants!
hmmm…josh may have this ben thing nailed down.
yep.
shut up, ben.
i’m with johnson. pissed off fundies are hilarious. i mean they’re SOOOO mad, but they’re SOOOO stupid!!
ha ha!!!
anne was referring to this comment.
http://stuffgodhates.com/2009/04/1693/#comment-33081
my logic is undeniable.
so now I’m only pretending to be a retard unfunny ass? I’m flattered!
Ben you are proving my point.
You’re not pretending but you are doing “mental gymnastics” to tell yourself that if you wanted to say something funny at any time you could. In reality, you can’t.
ben, at the moment you are pretending to be a rodent, which says all that needs to be said about your IQ.
PS Josh — I saw three, count ‘em, THREE black people at the fairy festival!
oh yeah, ben and another thing.
re: punching me in the preggers stomach
1. I’m not preggers, my youngest child is 15.
2. My abs are made of steel and would crush your fingers like so many crash test dummies in a simulated car wreck.
sounds like I have you pretty confused Josh.
No one can say something funny at any time. It has to be the right time you dumbass.
No, ben. You are proving yourself to be just as ignorant as Cartman. As Kyle explained, you do mental gymnastics to make yourself seem good when you really just suck.
I typed this whilst in the toilet on this floor. I’m supposed to be checking the wireless signal. So far, I’ve found it’s OK:
Under my desk.
In the janitor’s closet (damned Mop Fairy kept wanting to login)
In the breakroom (too many ppl to look for moar pron)
In the bathroom. (Quiet, no interruptions)
Behind the dumpster was quiet, but a weak signal.
josh does mental gymnastics as an excuse to wear leotards.
.
.
.
.
.
.
(because he’s a fag)
I thought only fairies wore leotards.
Oh.
Never mind.
yoyo, is there a pub nearby? maybe you should test it there…
Good point! There is a nice little brick, brass ‘n glass place downtown, the buffalo wings are hot and so’s the staff. And I know there’s an unsecured network nearby.
Please don’t let that Mop Room Fairy out! It’s annoying as hell.
Yo Yo, you could test in my bathroom. And while you’re in there, could you clean it a little? Otherwise I’ll have to do it.
Not to worry, Anne. I told her ben was looking for her.
Has anyone tried this site? It’s rather creepy - you get paired up with someone for a random chat. Not a place for Teenzilla.
http://omegle.com/
What a cute couple they would be!
Brrrr!
do you know how i know that jesus is stupid?
Anne,
3 black people out of how many? I bet you those black people where thrown out of the tribe many moons ago.
Jesus isn’t stupid. He’s just anti-social and I don’t think He particularly cares for those of us who love His Dad.
wait a minute, josh. “you people” throw negroes out of the negro tribe? is there any way an excommunicated negro can dance, rap or dribble his/her way back in?
Ben #65,
you keep proving my point. Not every line is funny every time, but someone who is funny knows what to say and when to say it. remember that email I sent you about getting started in comedy? well print it out then burn it.
haha!
see, ben, that was funny.
I’m on omegle.com with someone from Belgium. So far, I’ve angered him by asking if he wears wooden shoes, or makes waffles.
No I’ve pissed him off by asking him if he’s French.
Ugly American scores again!
Josh, ben could wipe his ass with the paper, that way he’d get some use out of it.
Cracka,
I’m sure it can be done, but no one has ever done it.
Here are a list of a few black people that have been banished for life:
Flava Flav
The guy who wrote Soul Plane
Hootie of Hootie and the Blowfish
all the black people that got upset about the KFC coupon AND got on national TV and looked like a damn coon
both kid AND play made the cut, huh?
that’s surprising.
yoyo, ask him if he knows jean claude van damme.
milli and vanilli—both safe?
michael jackson. you guys just can’t let go of him, can you? but the guy wrote “thriller”!!! yeah, okay, he’s a creepy weirdo. kick him out.
cracka,
they successfully appealed the original verdict. As part of the deal Kid had to cut his “box” and Play had to come out the closet.
tell him you can’t think of other ways to reduce him to a cultural stereotype because no one in the real world cares enough about belgium to develop any.
ask him if he was an extra in JCVD
Point of fact, I think Michael Jackson opted out of the black tribe. Not that they didn’t bump the door with his ass as he left.
Ask him if he knows Smoggy Batzrubble. Most non-Americans know one another.
… the guy from Belgium that is. But wait, Yo Yo. How do you know he’s from Belgium, and not from the gym down the street from your office?
Idle chat with complete strangers on a computer. Sounds dangerous, scary, and nasty.
one place ben could go where they wouldn’t tell him to shut up. At least for the first ten minutes.
Yeah, kinda like -
THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!!! MY PENIS IS NOW 2 FEET LONG AND 1 FOOT WIDE!!!
THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE UNTIL GOD COMES ALONG AND CHANGES IT!!!
God always snatches my quickenings. I don’t need them, mind you, but He takes them anyway and gives them to the needy, like Josh and Cracka.
Well, God, if you’re going to grab my snatch, give it to Yo Yo this time. He never even asks, which probably means he’s cool with what he’s already got.
just hoping he decides to swap 103 and 100.
THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!!!
Okay, I’m going to go check for computer signals in my bathroom, and while there apply some judicious Scrubbing Bubbles. Awaiting God’s Holy Manipulation of Comment Thread.
yoyo is waaaaaaaaaay too old to engage in sexual activity. his heart is like a dusty old pipe organ that hasn’t been played since…um…let’s go with the french/indian war again. if you hit the horny note, it just blows a smokey plume of ash and soot up to the ceiling and then kind of fizzles out.
Cracka, I’m not sure. I chatted with someone else who said he was Jor-El, Superman’s father. Turns out their planet didn’t really explode, he just wanted to get rid of his girlfriend’s baby, born on prom night.
it’s dangerous for him to even look at perky young things. yoyo! get back in your room until the activity committee comes to get you!!
“yoyo is waaaaaaaaaay too old to engage in sexual activity.”??
WTF?
Sometimes, I walk around the home naked with my walker, and my penis-
Oops- vagal nerve reaction. I’m going to go have a heart attack on the shitter.
Mmmm… penis.
whore.
I never met a man who was waayyyyyyy too old for sexual activity. The most geriatric geezers get horny. Even Hume gets horny, and he’s both dead and doped.
Can I get a blumpy? I don’t want to get up.
See? God works in mysterious ways, His thread to manipulate.
MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!!!
Um, Cracka. You just became The Dagda. God hath endowed you like a Tree God.
Laugh now, but The Dagda needed a wheelbarrow to carry his cock around. Can you drag that monster into Sears?
thanks, God!!!! i am going to use my might penis to smite some unworthy atheist pigs!!! they will know Your name is the Lord when i lay my vengeance upon them!!!!!
i have a wheelbarrow on hand at all times. just hoping the day would come!! all right, all right, all riiiight!
getting a little lightheaded here.
‘God gave men a penis and a brain, but only enough blood to run one at a time’
- Robin Williams
There was a young man of Devizes
Whose balls were of different sizes.
His tool, when at ease,
Hung down to his knees,
Oh, what it must be when it rises!
You better hope you’re not aroused when the trimmers come to prune your neighbor’s oaks.
There was a old man from Maine
Whose prick was as strong as a cane;
It was almost as long,
So he strolled with his dong
Extended in sunshine and rain.
Minneapolis Chain Saw Massacre
Task done. Pigs fed. Trays in upright position and locked.
Good night.
A Cracka in need of a dick
Got help when God cheated a quick.
But now it’s no joke,
It’s as big as an oak
And quite very nearly as thick.
Other people fold laundry while the bathroom floor dries. ‘Night, Yo. ‘Night, pukes.
you forgot to tell ben to shut up.
God also gave Robin Williams the body hair of an ape.
God’s zealous servant the cracka
who’s crotch was known for its lack of
was blessed with a dong
one foot wide,
two feet long
and now searches for heathens to smack on
that’s my first lymrick ever
so…yeah…that explains that.
#123 - Somehow I doubt that Robin Williams came up with that, sure he might have said it on TV, but that dude has a worse rep then Mencia for stealing jokes.
Robin Williams can be very entertaining or very annoying. He’s great in Garp and Awakenings but he’s fucking annoying when he plays a fucking retard.
never go full retard—
just ask ben.
durp?
a fitting end to a glorious day.
durp, indeed.
I think I just found my faith again!
was it stuck under the couch cushion? That’s usually where I find things.
I like pudding.
snack packs are the shit Hume.
josh likes shit-filled snack packs.
josh is a fag.
Ben,
For the last time stop buy snack packs from Homeless Pete, they are not the real snack packs. You’ll know because real snack packs don’t have corn in them.
that was funny ~ you’re funny.
Good morning, all you low-hanging fruits!
Teenzilla decided to run her blow-dryer in the basement. (Don’t ask me the fuck why.) She thought she was unplugging the freezer, which is bad enough, but what she really unplugged — and left unplugged — was the Verizon power source. Of course she left the blow-dryer plugged in after she finished using it.
And I’ll have to pay for this brat’s schooling. Shoot me now.
Yo, I’m not sure they’re low-hanging, but they’re certainly fruits. Except for Nun.
That racist man called cracka
ate fetus for a snacka
Over his plate he’d hunch
slurp it down for lunch
and for dessert smoke tobacca
Anne, does teenzilla use the Verizon account? Can you cut her off?
Well, cracka’s massive meat is low-hanging.
I wonder if he steps on it?
Your web site is quite wonderful, and well conceived (albeit frequented by much the same few people). I particularly like this post because I love abortions.
Welcome!
Dr. Funder Pouch? Of the Berlin Funder Pouchs?
Another one of Ben and Bloodvork’s friends.
Let’s hope he’s witty and clever like Bloodvork and not stupid and retarded like ben.
bitch!
That’s right. I am a bitch. Fucking retard.
God, I am so inspired by this post that I’m going to Wal-Mart in South Chicago to offer free Falcon Punches on Your Holy behalf.
All of ben’s friends are more witty and clever than him - why do they let him hang around?
Is he their Gilligan?
In an effort to save money, Management fired our janitor contractor.
OK everybody, it’s time to Trashercise!
I’m looking for a round of opinions… how fucked up is it to send a son to live with a father he barely knows?
pretty fucked up.
yoyo, what’s a gilligan?
Why? He knows the child and is a good father to the other son he raised on his own.
depends on why you’re doing it. if it is a temporary thing in an effort to build the relationship between your son and his father, that might be admirable. However limiting the time (and influence) a man has on the son who he moved away from might be a good idea. if you’re doing it to save money and to not worry about your son walking in on your 5 blacks on one white gang bangs, then that totally fucked up.
either way it’s a little fucked up.
#165 are you serious?
Nun - that’s what my mom did to me, and I turned out fine.
Josh,
This is a decision that would be made for the best interest of the child, not the mother. With that said, ben’s comment frightens me.
#165 - Gilligan is a Vince Gilligan… sometimes writer for The X-Files with a funny name.
i agree with josh.
and i agree that your trepidation about ben’s illusion of normalcy is well placed.
josh,
i was leading up to an old man joke for yoyo.
of course i’ve seen gilligan’s island before.
ben,
you’re NOT okay.
now shut up.
Yes I am. I’m the only normal person here.
i’m looking for the joke that goes with this punchline:
so, the stoner guy puts down his bong, exhales and says, “oh man! we forgot about the parade!”
BEN!
GOD DAMN IT!
YOU’RE NOT NORMAL!!!
ben is normal. Most people are stupid and retarded like ben.
well nun,
a kid needs to know their father.
I agree, Josh. I never knew mine and I still have resentment over the issue.
I always thought a child would do fine with positive male role-models even if they weren’t the child’s father but recent developments have made me question that point of view.
Cracka, a gilligan is a ‘do-over’ in golf, when you screw up a shot, you take a gilligan.
it might be more important for a boy to know his father than for a girl.
unless you’re against stripclubs and pornography for some reason.
a boy learns how to be a man from his father, a girl learns how to be a woman from her mother. secondary male role models can give a girl a positive impression of men that doesn’t resonate the same way with a boy’s self image…development…identity…thing.
have i ever claimed to know what i’m talking about?
no?
good.
Don’t forget, some boys learn how to be women from their mothers.
you can’t fool me with your ancient dialectic trickeries!!! that’s called a mulligan!!!
Damn!
Wait a minute, I had gilligan stew last weekend, WTF did I eat?
yes, yoyo, those boys are called “joshes”, i mean “faggots”.
Or did I eat Gillian?
I am vomiting up everything I’ve eaten since last weekend.
Wait - I just found a curly red hair. Never mind.
http://www.photochopped.org/gillian-anderson-photochop-46922.html
(It’s a fake, but a good one)
i have a feeling nun is about to go on a rant of some kind.
DON’T 0BJECTIFY GILLIAN ANDERSON!!
Rather half-hearted I suppose but there you go, Cracka.
Also, there are far better photo-shops of Miss Anderson out there.
oh no! a quickening coming up. i can barely lug this thing around as it is.
josh can have it.
Nun, do you need to make an either/or decision, or can Little Loser go spend the summer months with Dad and see how it works out?
Next question: Will Little Loser’s father take Teenzilla? Will ANYONE take Teenzilla?????
Anne,
I’ll take teenzilla. The going rate for a white american girl in the Philippines is on the rise!!!!
“white babies don’t cost money, they make money” - now where is that from?
And to make matters worse, my other daughter, Train Wreck, comes home tomorrow. First thing Teenzilla will say? “Go back to college. I like your room better than mine.”
Josh, I tried to sell her to the white slavers. They demanded a refund after 15 minutes. They said if it took me more than 15 minutes to supply the refund, they would charge interest.
you went to some punk slavers. First think I would do is sever her vocal cords.
she would be knows as Whispers the White Slave
You know what? I love to compete for quickenings. I hope God has trouble messing around in the thread. And I think we got insulted by that Funder Pouch dude. We’ve got a nice little thread here. Fundie, go straight to Atrios and don’t pass go.
are quickenings really that important?
Me again!
Yo, it’s a mulligan, not a gilligan.
Nun, sell your kid on e-bay.
Ben, shut up.
No, not really. Tee hee.
Hume, have you tried to sell a kid on ebay? There’s so much competition. You can get a Rhodes Scholar who cooks gourmet dinners for the Buy It Now price of $4.95.
Seest thou a man wise in his own conceit? there is more hope of a fool than of him - Proverbs 26:12
Anne it was God’s will that you be humbled. Kneel before Zod, I mean God!!!
AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!! Why, God? WHY???
nun wtf has you upset now?
Sorry. Unfortunate vaginal mishap with Cracka’s wooden penis.
Splinters?
Termites?
Found out that Gorilla Glue is a poor lube?
Splinters.
Poor Cracka… ginormous penis but there’s no way he’ll ever be able to stick it in a real live female and now he’ll pop his blow-up dolls.
God and His fucked up gifts.
nun may be right.
i haven’t found a vagina big enough yet.
poor, poor me.
God is one eye-ronic Bastard.
Go for it, Nun. When I was a lad of 15, I went off in search of my own sweet father. I found him some 300 miles away, and moved in. Within 6 months, I was just like him, drunk and behind bars! Feel the love…
hmm… somewhat hard to jump in at this point… umm….
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qapa7Xv4H-M
somewhat on topic in this completely off topic conversation….
shut up random guy
haha random guy! you just got pwned!
ben loves hearing someone else get told to shut up.
I wonder if ben is actually anne’s long lost son….
*tune in for another episode of Stuff God Hates,
now airing thrice weekly on the Lifetime channel -
and you’ll find out if ben gets his penis un-stuck
from the ketchup bottle; watch anne
try to break it with a ball peen hammer -
the bottle, that is*
hehe…ball peen.
i have absolutely nothing to add.
ben,
for you to actually type out the words
“i have nothing to add”
is is the very height of
redundancy at its most obvious.
shutup cracka.
for you tell someone else to shut up
is the very height of irony at its most stupid
what else ya got?
I sent God an email wishing Him luck with whatever Divine Duties have Him so busy. It will probably get routed to His Divine Junk Folder as God hates me.
Nun, when I think about your rack, I touch myself.
Feel better?
You always make me feel better, Hume. I still wish God loved me with the white hot intensity of some suns though.
What are you talking about wench? I love you! Always have.
In response to a question posed earlier:
Yes, I am fine with you spreading My Word.
In fact, I DEMAND YOU ALL POST THE LINK TO THIS VERY POST IN AN AS MANY PLACES AS YOU CAN TO OFFEND AS MANY ANTI-ABORTION ASSHOLES AS POSSIBLE!
I HATE THEM!
That’s not what You said when You gave me that massive donkey punch. You said “I hate You bitch!”, then You made the
face, then You spit on me and then You donkey punched me. Your Divine Love is sometimes quite painful, Lord.
On that note, this is a question so You’ll probably ignore it but I’ll try anyway. Do You ever get pissed off when people yell out “Jesus Christ” at the precise moment of orgasm instead of “Oh God”?
Actually, I get pissed if they do either. They’re both blasphemy.
#232: Heaven must be one friggin empty place.
#232 - Uh oh… sorry for all that blasphemy, God.
God,
I think I accidentally jinxed a fellow mortal. I didn’t mean to. It was my mortal stupidity that caused such a heinous thing to happen. Can You reverse my jinx so my fellow mortal is not jinxed? Please, God!!
Nun, jinxes have to be done on purpose, or they’re just mistakes. I wouldn’t trust God to unravel a jinx.
No, Anne. You can jinx somebody even if you have the best intentions by being a stupid mortal. That’s what I was… a stupid mortal and I jinxed somebody. Being that I believe in those kind of things like you believe in faeries, I feel horrible.
Then only you can undo it. Run a counter-spell at that puppy. And always remember that craft work must include the promise to harm none, intentionally or otherwise.
and you two call ben retarded.
If I put a spell on her then I’ll jinx her even more. I’m a bad, bad mortal.
# 238, supported.
I suppose it’s better than being so rigid and unaccepting that you can’t admit there might be more than what we can see with our mortal eyes. I put a lot of stock into “not putting out in the universe what you don’t want out there”.
If you’ve put something out unintentionally, you can reign it in again. All spells aren’t bad.
Yes, I figured we’d get skewered by Carka for going beyond the laws of physics in our search for cause-and-effect.
Cracka can’t believe in that which he cannot see. Unless it’s his penis. Yo’s just too old to be able to contemplate things such as that.
While I don’t necessarily believe in faeries, I don’t discount the possibility. What I do believe in is the power of will and mind.
“What I do believe in is the power of Will and Mind.”
Will and Mind will be pleased Nun. They told me they’d just done a double penetration session with you but didn’t think it had gone so well. Will said you were asleep and dribbling. Mind disagreed, he said you twitched a couple of times.
smoggy!!!!
see what i have to put up with without you around here?
Sad, isn’t it cracka. Who’d have thought God’s blog would be invaded by credulous pagans. My sheep are more genuine sceptics…and they’re more pure. God hasn’t set up abortion factories for lambs. All my lambs are pure, and they know that heaven is a warm place smelling of roast potatoes and mint sauce.
Smogg-meister! How’s the sheep corking?
How did you get a chance to post? Stay up late?
“While I don’t necessarily believe in faeries, I don’t discount the possibility.”
while i don’t necessarily believe that the universe is being held in place by winged elephants operating an elaborate pulley system, i don’t discount the possiblity.
i never said i didn’t believe that there is more than what i can see. i’m just not arrogant enough to pose blind conjectures about what, exactly, it is. that doesn’t make me less capable of thinking than you are.
“Yo’s just too old to be able to contemplate things such as that.”
I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched c-beams … glitter in the dark near Tanhauser Gate. All those … moments will be lost … in time, like tears … in rain. Time … to die.
i tell ya, smog. ever since you stopped posting here i have learned NOTHING about new zealand. and the lymricks are terrible!!
I got up early Yo Mama.
Hey listen–how’s life in the Obamanation? NooZild is fucked and I thought I might emigrate with my sheep. I hear you’ve got tons of empty houses around the place now that all the poor fucks are living on the pavement.
As for the universe–everyone knows it’s the reproductive organ of the great mother sheep. Put simply, the Eweniverse is a giant Eweterus.
I have no limericks today, but I will simply observe that:
The decline of the rhyme on God’s blog
Coincides with the absence of Smog
AMEN
“the Eweniverse is a giant Eweterus.”
that’s the kind of weird we’re missing around here.
the real estate prices are ridiculously low, smog. pretty much any climate you’d like. black guy running the place…man, it is FUNKY!
… not so funky that we want to add you to the mix, Smoggy. Stay put. Send the sheep, carving knives, and shearing equipment.
You know who believes in something they can’t see? Phucking astrophysicists. They say that 70 percent of the universe is “black energy” and “black matter.” Can’t see either one, and black energy is anti-gravitational.
Next to that, faeries look pretty comprehensible.
…but we can detect black energy and black matter.
nice argument, anne.
oh, wait, no. it SUCKS!!!
next time you use a telescope to observe motion and gravitational fields to detect faeries, you should tell someone important so you can get a nobel prize or a fields medal or something. they come with money, you know… don’t go keeping all this higher knowledge to yourself, you selfish pagan whore!!!
Smog - #244,
Mind was right, I twitched because he’s hung like my burro. It was exquisite.
Anne. Is. Not. A. Whore!!
Damn you, Cracka! DAMN YOU!! 
you’re right.
i went too far.
that was uncalled for.
johnson, you could never make money with that body. i hope you’ll forgive me.
#255 - Anne your not helping yourself when you talk about things you do not understand. By your logic if I painted my house “black” you could not see it. Also Nun is still a virgin because every penis that was up in her did not exist.
All I’m saying is if there was a such thing as fairies there would be proof of some sort. Yet all we have are people dressing up in the woods and crappy movies.
Cracka,
what if Johnson put a glimmer spell on her old body, so it looks like that of a young maiden? see how stupid that sounds
Josh said: “Also Nun is still a virgin because every penis that was up in her did not exist.”
I’m an equal opportunity slut, fuckin’ retard! I fuck all the guys, I just prefer the darkies with their giganto penises of black-power.
nun,
i am sorry i underestimated your whoredom.
how can a black penis be “giganto” if it doesn’t exist?
always get here after everyone leaves…..
off topic but.. goin way back up to 217…
been here longer than u hume.. so shut up
random,
there is no topic. never really is. the only consistent topic is:
shut up, ben.
true… just what i said was…. random… weird O.o
can’t believe i missed out on like 25 new topics since i left.
so much i missed out on
and that was a poorly phrase sentence…
i’ll break it down for you:
God is pissed.
nun is a whore.
i had no penis for a long time, now it’s too big to use.
ben just won’t shut up.
the brazilians speak engrish and live in trees.
yoyo is old.
josh is a semi-professional comedian (ask him anything about the biz)
curtis got offended by the word fag. we kept using the word fag. curtis left…basically fondue.
smoggy got busted at work wasting time insulting americanuses, now the rhymes are weak.
zeus and lucifer just stopped showing up.
cooper went to costa rica and got murdered.
we made some cartoons.
God is pissed.
said. FACE!. ching-chong-durrrrrr.
oh, johnson goes to fairy festivals.
and bloodvork and jew stopped coming around even though they were hilarious.
bridgette still believes in jebus but hasn’t said so for a few weeks now.
DAMN YOU, JOSH!!
I do not have whoredom!! DAMN YOU!
And black penises exist, retard. I like to look at them and touch them all day long. Anne has been distracted by her Johnson’s johnson which explains her confusion related to all that is black.
I. AM. NOT. A. WHORE!!
MOTHER FUCKER!! I’m so full of pissed off non-whore rage right now!! 
And you forgot that the Brazilians fuck monkeys, oaken penis guy.
god is pissed?!?!!?!? holy shit!!!!!
nun is a whore? is that really news…?
i don’t know. is it?
she has tits like a bus driver’s ass. i know that much for sure.
thats… slightly disturbing…
ONLY SLIGHTLY?!!!
try this one:
her vagina’s tongue hangs out on hot days because it has too much fur to sweat…so it pants like a dog instead.
…..
did i really want to know that?
cause thats just…….. wrong….
she’s kind of a whore, so before you make that fatal mistake i just want you to have all the information. it’s for your own good.
she has labia like used flypaper. remember the tsunami back in ‘05? nun’s vagina queefed. she was on a beach. got in the water. queefed—–disaster.
i’m going to drink and watch the playoffs now.
don’t turn out the lights until you check under the bed for nun’s vagina. it’s unblinking eye keeps itself lubricated by discharging a yellow, stinky pus. you’ll smell it before you see it.
i feel somewhat sorry for those people in that tsunami now… being made homeless by a vagina… feel sorry for all those fish too…
sorta makes God look weird now… using nun to cause horrific natural disasters thru her vagina…. course after reading half of this blog its not totally out of character for God…..
ok now THAT was disturbing…
nun, why do you let your vagina stalk people? forget that, why the fuck did you let your vagina grow an EYE?
now wheres god… i feel like getting him pissed at me and gettin smote…. hmm….
oh, and god, is this what really happened to the dinosaurs?
http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Comics/Matt/omnipotent-beings-correcting-their-mistakes.png
I don’t believe everything I see, and I don’t see everything I believe.
Right now I believe supper’s burning, but I don’t see it happening. Better go downstairs.
Sheepfucker’s back,
treefucker’s burning dinner
and ben is shutting up.
Hey, Random Guy,
you’re alright I guess.
Kinda depends on how much tincture of opium
I’ve mixed in with my metamucil.
Random Guy,
God works in mysterious ways. Through my vagina.
I love you, Nun.
Pure poetry.
that still doesn’t make it any less disturbing.
So would that make the eye on your vagina God’s Eye?
Funny cause it’s true; heartfelt.
300 is close; like the angry Persians
about to die an angry, meaningless death.
Like what history experiences just before
ben accidentally hangs himself by his shoelaces
in his closet, his wiener’s purpose exposed
and defeated.
so close
this dude i used to work with
at a restaurant would say
‘close’? when he asked you
if you were close to closing -
he was mexican; spoke
little of our language
i still feel like anne or ben will try to snag it
or maybe not?
fuck yeah
Thanks be to God;
Heaven and Earth are full of Your Glory,
Hosanna in the highest.
Blessed is He who comes in the name of the Lord.
I love you too, Hume. You wanna see my third eye?
your 3rd eye would give most people nightmares nun, no one wants to see that….. God, why the hell are your… “tools” so disturbing?
The Bible, by Smoggy
GEN(ITAL)ISIS, 1
1. And verily Smoggy’s broom was still stuck up Hume’s arse.
2. And Yea, it sprouted limbs and grew into the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.
3. And Nun, who hadst slipped into Eden for a toke, didst spy Hume’s fruit hanging from a branch of the sprouting broom and dids’t pluck at a pair of crab apples and a wizened banana.
4. And verily she dids’t teabag the crab-ridden apples and dids’t use the wizened banana to clean out one blocked nasal passage.
5. And God, when he came to walk in the garden, espied Nun teabagging Hume’s fruit and snorting his wizened banana and dids’t thunder, ‘Fuck, that’s disgusting!’ and smote them both.
6. And Smoggy dids’t chuckle.
7. And Smoggy’s flock dids’t chuckle also and make wool.
THE END
AMEN
If Smoggy farts as long as he comments, that explains global warming.
that was funnee. anne is funnee.
ben, shut up.
Smoogy, stop global warming dammit. warm enough over here….
smoggy not smoogy. I can’t type today…
Sticking with the things-up-the-bum theme, eh, Smog?
We should all bow to your expertise in that area,
I guess, as your knowledge of objects in rectal
cavities that results in bad poetry seems endless.
That’s super.
And Nun, yes. I believe in the power of your lady parts.
I don’t think the word “power” is the right word there hume….
“don’t turn out the lights until you check under the bed for nun’s vagina. it’s unblinking eye keeps itself lubricated by discharging a yellow, stinky pus. you’ll smell it before you see it.” ~ Uppity
did you read that?
sounds powerful to me.
i can’t wait to get old like hume. i’m gonna get hooked on opiates like the grandpa in ‘little miss sunshine’.
That 3rd eye can now live forever!
http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/World/Granny-gets-designer-vagina-surgery/articleshow/4528868.cms
not so much powerful as it is disgusting….. and i did find it under my bed last night…. looked….. more like an unblinking ball of hair… disgusting.
but the stench was powerful…….. very powerful……
RG, a regime of anti-fungal and STD drugs will scare the eye away.
giant knitting needle. pop it. squeeze it. let it dry in the sun. eventually the scab will heal.
Yo Yo Ma Ma, where the hell can I get a shit load of STD drugs without getting arrested?
Uppity, where can i get a giant needle?
anyways, i was thinking nuclear fallout would be more effective.
course, if it gets more mutated and grows arms if might try and shove me inside it.. Nun, get your vagina out from under my bed
the 2nd “if” in that should be “it”
S’ OK, RG, we know what you meant.
I used to work at a nuke, I still have some friends there, we can set up you up. Meet me at the SE gate at Seabrook Power Plant, in New Hampshire. The password is ‘I forgot’.
Bring your own Tupperware.
you can put fallout in tupperware? wow…. thought it would just radiate right thru…
random guy hasn’t been to a tupperware party for a while.
that shit is amaaaaaaazing.
can you put a grenade in tupperware, pull the key out, put the lid on it, and not have the tupperware be ripped to pieces?
always wanted to try that…but i don’t have any grenades….
God, can you please give me a grenade?
Tupperware uses a stasis field now. Pop in a grenade, pull the pin, slam the lid! It doesn’t explode until some sucker opens it. Works for tactical nukes, too.
hmm….. guess i should get some grenades and take a trip down to the post office soon then…
Silly mortals. First, no STD can harm my vaginal eye of God. Second, any attempts at “pricking” my vaginal eye of God will result in chaos and mayhem and the loss of penises. You have been warned.
All kneel to my powerful vaginal eye of God!!
If you don’t, it will see you being disrespectful and will send my vagina to eat you up straight away.
I fear no vagEYEna.
fuck.
just leave the God damn vagina under your bed, random. now it thinks it’s got the eye of God. now we’re gonna have to take a longass journey with hobbits to destroy the ring in the fires of mt. somethingorother.
great.
just great.
those are some fuckin’ gayass hobbits, too. i don’t care what anybody says.
“oh, sweet sam! sweet, sweet sammy!”
how bout i just burn the damn bed and throw a cross in the fire?
All hobbits are gay, Cracka. That’s like common knowledge.
Fat hobbit is always so polite. I love me some fat, gay hobbits.
Speaking of the powers of Tupperware, you dudes with penis issues will cure yourselves if you wrap your peckers in Twinkies.
*to clarify for nun and johnson, the hobbits are make believe. they’re just for pretend. somebody made them up. it’s a fantasy. it’s not real. i know, they have fun little adventures…but they’re fictional.
and they have fictional gay-ness
To clarify for Cracka: We’re women and actually think with our head and not our penis. I’m sure we’re both quite aware that The Lord of the Rings is fictional. If you had a penis that was capable of logical thought, you would have known that before you made a fool out of yourself.
Beware the Eye, Cracka.
ah fuck…. lighting the bed on fire didn’t work….
Nun, your vagine-eye is now a flaming hairball with a eye.
i would throw it in the water… but we don’t want another tsunami… do we?
My vaginal eye has no hair, random. I have no idea what you’re fucking with but if the cenobites come, you’re on your own.
“her vagina’s tongue hangs out on hot days because it has too much fur to sweat…so it pants like a dog instead.”
you sure?
Cracka has never seen my vagina, random. You’re pretty stupid if you think he has. Cracka likes to talk a big story because it pulls the attention away from the fact that he usually has no penis at all unless God grants him a ginormous wooden penis that is of no use whatsoever.
Besides, the Eye and the vagina are two separate entities, bonehead.
Yeah, for someone who has never SEEN Nun’s vagina, has no VISUAL PROOF of it, has not SCIENTIFICALLY OBSERVED its workings, Cracka sure can describe it vividly. Even though Cracka has never met Nun, yea doesn’t even know what state Nun lives in, he yet believes in her vagina.
Cracka needs not only to prove Nun has a vagina, but to prove that it behaves in the manner he describes. Otherwise he ought not insult faeries. Or unicorns.
NUN-337
you’re right. i’m wrong. it’s peter pan that you two confuse with reality. peter pan.
my ginormous penis has come in handy as a doorstop and a blunt force instrument so far. i’m sure there are other uses.
so, your vagine-eye rolls off your vagina to go stalk people then…..?
and no i’m not a bonehead….. i perfer the more sophisticated term known as: “retard”.
Peter Pan isn’t real either you fucking idiot.
Chewbacca is real. Sometimes he and I play cards together but he always wins. Chewbacca is terrifyingly scary when he loses.
Mulder is real. We have sex every night and it really pisses off Scully who is also real.
Germany isn’t real….
My vaginal eye is a tool of God, random. I do not try to understand the Divine ways in which He works. I just do what He wants because He gets super-pissed if you ignore Him. That’s how I ended up with this big, creepy eye to begin with.
ok then… EVERYONE! ignore god…. i wanna see some smiting
i’ve been doing that since i turned 18. my smite is to alternate between a penis too big to use and no penis at all.
sucks for you… I’ve doing it for the past few years, but nothing yet…
GET ANGRY GOD!!!!!!
or atleast more angry then you are now….
this has to piss God off:
http://scienceblogs.com/pharyngula/2009/05/daniel_hauser_might_live_now.php
here He is, trying to kill another annoying cancer patient and the Him damned courts have to step in and make the little fucker get treatment to save his whiny, pitiful little faggy life. assholes.
Peter Pan is real.
peter pan owns a shitty bus company.
Your mama owns a shitty bus company.
“Shitty Bus Company” happens to be an anagram for “Mythic Pussy Baton”, which by a strange coincidence is what the millions of Scullys used to call my meatstick when I was servicing them in Hell.
that is such worthwhile information. i think the networks are all leading with it on their evening news programs.
The bus gives me a hard-on with books
in my lap.
programs.
that’s what old people call tv shows.
ask hume.
yessirree, like amos & andy?
never seen it.
Cracka’s never seen “Amos & Andy,” so it mustn’t exist.
By gum I recall that programme well.
The Kingfisher never got his comeuppance,
though.
Cracka is the Kingfisher of His blog.
Yeah, when Cracka gets a comeuppance, that woody’s too big for words.
“Cracka’s never seen “Amos & Andy,” so it mustn’t exist.”
i feel like i’m trying to debate the greatest debater who ever debated.
here’s my rebuttal:
johnson believes in fairies.
hahahahahahahahahahaha!
fairies believe in cracka’s johnson
baabaabaabaabaabaabaabaabaa
johnson feeds her fairies crackers.
cracka’s johnson feeds fairies
Smog feeds ewes johnson’s fairies.
Smog’s ewes eat fairies’ johnsons
Smog’s wee sons fart on, see? Ha!
johnson, your anagram skills are as flawed as your spiritual-bullshit-meter.
Yes, there are no “i”’s. Because eyes are sometimes overrated.
“Being able to pun, sing, or riddle will usually get you through fairy checkpoints. To deal with real fairies is to enter a realm of riddles and puzzle settings where what they punish is stupidity and what they love is intellectual cleverness.”
–Terrence McKenna
“Being able to think rationally will usually get you through contact with “believers”. To deal with the credulous is to enter a realm of unreason and irrationality where what they punish is intelligence and what they love is faith-based stupidity.”
Smoggy McBatzrubble
anne johnson is entrusted to teach the young.
yes, ben, but they’re poor, so it doesn’t matter
Thinking back to my revelation about the Eweniverse being a giant Eweterus, I’ve just realised that God is just like me, a sheepfucker, only on a gigantic scale. The “Big Bang” was literally, a BIG BANG. God slipped His magnificent meatstick into the infinite Eweterus and in one miraculous gush the universe came into being. It’s expanding because all the Divine Ejaculate is still flying through the eweterine void. We knew he was big, but now we know how big (The Crab Nebula is a stray public hair–that’s how big). RESPECT Oh God! I’m off to rock the flock in your honour.
No Ben,
She’s entrusted to “eat” the young. All pagan’s do that.
So shut up
FACE!
poor-kid/educational-system-doubleFACE!!!!
my face declaration was for hume at 381
It’s not a face if you have to say who it was for.
smoggy just blew my mind.
again.
you posted something between my face realization and face declaration. a guy doesn’t get to just come back after some odd couple three four months and spout off about FACE rules.
supported.
finally. the support i’ve been searching for my whole life.
see, smog! i must be right! ben supports me!!!
#380: They’re not so young as all that.
#381: They are poor, I’ll give you that.
#383: The only kids I eat are the kind with wool that are too young to take Smoggy’s meatstick yet.
#384: As a vocal proponent of the First Amendment, I do not, will not, no never, teach my students my religious beliefs. Nor will I comment on theirs. Some of those huge silver crucifix necklaces are wicked cool, but it’s their business, not mine.
And just for that …
You all can kiss
My aging but firm derriere…
… because I enjoy teaching and feel like I’m doing some good in the world…
With my credentials I could be at a posh private school…
Now as I prepare to steal a century mark in a way that even God will accept…
I fart in your general direction …
… moon the shit out of you and say…
I DON’T THINK SO!
UNGH! SUCK IT BITCH!
DENIED!!!
THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE BEN!!
shut up ben
okay, get a life! is that better?
ben lost the key to the basement door.
He’s maxed out of Youth and Family Services, so no social worker is checking on him.
As for me, I’m off to the prom! No fairies allowed.
FACE dicknickname
Now you have to suck ben’s half-incher
BWAHAHAHAAHAAAA!!!
QUICKENING FACE AND A HALF!!!!
i hate when anne talks about her ass
I have decided to use chat-speak on this for now on… to see how long it takes to get on people’s nerves. So, here we go.
OMG smoggy sed FACE!!!!!!!! :OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OMFG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! cracka sed FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
annoyed yet?
I like it. I want more.
ugh
STFU, the lotta ya.
Even me my dear Anne? Return to me.
ZOMG!!!!!!! I DUN WANNA STFU!!!!! N00B!!!!!!!! RAWR!!!!!!
I PWNZ U!!!! DIE!!!!!!
how about now?
Sometimes i wonder what kind of retard would it have take to make chatspeak….. Then i take a 6 minute walk outside and learn it could have been 9 out of every 10 people in my town.
Americans are retards…. the vast majority at least..
You prove that point very well indeed, rg.
And anne, quit trying to be angry.
It lacks authenticity.
testin new avatar thing…. should be animated >.>
damn…. its not…..
You guys want to see retarded? Go to a fucking little league game. Suburbia sucks.
Word.
but I live in suburbia….
i want my stupid animated avatar to work… this “gravatar” shit is retarded…. God, go smite gravatar
i spent almost 5 minutes of my worthless time on it.
Nun,
Worse than that is T ball, where there are no losers. Everyone gets an up at bat, everyone gets on base, and there are no outs. What the hell is that teaching our kids?
On the few occasions when I’ve attended a Little League game here where I live, I went home thanking the Tree Gods that I never had a son.
Hume, this is a chat room. I save my authentic anger for moments when it is most needed. Which would never be here. I would stop chatting, is all.
Mop Room Fairy? Well well. Bend over, and I’ll show you a fine use for a mop handle.
Random Guy, if your gravatar starts moving, I will personally release fire ants in the foundation of your house. God smote us with the Dancing Asians, but that was only on his post.
This is a chat room?
Josh,
My son played T-Ball and it was just as you’ve described. They didn’t even teach the kids how to play ball. It was just a bunch of suburban brats running around a baseball field doing whatever they wanted and acting retarded. Then their retarded suburban parents would laugh and clap and tell them all what great “baseball” players they were. Excuse me? That’s not baseball! That’s running around like a fucking retard. They also all got trophies for being retarded.
Little League is not a whole lot better. They tell these kids when they swing “nice swing”, even if it’s not. I would think these kids would be better served if somebody actually told them the truth. Something like “hey retard, when you swing the mother-fucking bat, it should not go from your head to your toes. Fucking retard!
” Kids would learn a lot better if people would tell them when they suck.
Touchy-feely Little League is the reason we’re raising sissy boys. When I was a kid, of course girls couldn’t play (thank Jealous). But the coaches were dicks, and the moms were brutal. One night a kid struck out with the bases loaded, and the mom shouted, “Wait till I get you home, you little bastard, you won’t sit down for a week!”
The kid was maybe 10.
So, Nun, if the coaches are bent upon making your son a sissy boy, it’s up to you to be his coach-in-the-bleachers. Tell him when he sucks. Tell him loudly.
Josh, it’s not too early for you to adopt this advice as well. If your kid isn’t walking by the time he’s 9 months old, yell at him! Tell him to get up and fuckin walk! I did that with Teenzilla, it really works.
My bad, Hume. This is a thread. We never chat here. We hurl insults at one another. Here’s one: you’re retarded.
Anne,
I already yell at my kid.
“Kids half your age are already sitting up! You’re a fucking disappointment”
“No son of my can’t crawl. In fact daddy is over here and if you can’t get to me then you’re no son of mine!”
Now that’s effective parenting!
I be that kid is going to grow up and become a serial killer….
yay!
that’s my plan random guy, I want my own Dexter to let loose on all who anger me.
Ignore him when he cries! That’s Step One in the “Effective Techniques for Creating Serial Killers” handbook!
I’m retarded?
I’m horny for God’s Divine Cock.
.
.
.
Josh,
You shouldn’t even acknowledge him as your own child until he impresses you. My son still doesn’t know he’s mine.
I still regret my Fifth-Grade Science paper didn’t hold up to peer review. Jamie Smith said it was ‘yucky’.
“We must respect the other fellow’s religion, but only in the same sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.”
-H.L. Mencken,
writer, editor, and critic
(1880-1956)
ATTENTION:
There will not be a new post today. Perhaps tomorrow.
Do not think for a second I am a lazy deity. I was up until 5AM last night killing Mexicans and am spending every spare second working on My Divine Cartoon. This will be done in a week and a half.
NOW FUCKOFF!
God,
I think one only need look at the world to realize that You are not a lazy deity. It’s sweet that You’re thinking about us though, considering how busy You are. I love You, God. I love You with the white hot intensity of a billion suns!!
Josh,
Are you aware of the stand-up comedy of a fella named Dean Haglund? If so, what do you think?
nobody kisses ass quite the way a whore does.
“nobody kisses ass quite the way a whore does.”
Lots of tongue involved?
Thanks. I feel warmish feelings for you as well.
did i say you were a whore, whore?
no. it was a simple observation, just thinking out loud’s all.
This makes me happier than it should. Can You also smite him with butt cancer, God?
http://www.nbcbayarea.com/sports/football/MNF-No-Longer-A-Mr-Tony-Experience.html
Dean Haglund? Nun, with you do all roads lead to X Files? I have never seen his stand up so I can’t comment on that. However his short lived X File spin off was pretty funny. He’s got great comedic timing.
Dean Haglund does stand-up and I’ve never seen it. You’re right that he’s got great comedic timing which is why I was curious if you’ve ever seen him.
And no, Josh. Some roads lead to Star Wars. That’s how I roll… all obsessive like.
just saw his stand up on youtube. From what I have seen, it sucks. He’s not really doing stand up he’s doing a “comedy show” where he does improv games with the audience and such. He’s an actor not a stand up.
thank Him. we can watch football and not have to listen to kornheiser go off on some tangent that has nothing to do with the game.
“i was thinking about how this game is like a metaphor for the overall struggles of this city after hurricane katrina….”
what.
the.
fuck?
Haglund sucks on stage… that sucks.
Did God give Kornheiser a fear of flying?
Sorry, God, but you are a lazy deity. What happened to being omnipotent? You don’t even get the “omni” part right.
Of course He did, Yo. He gives us all our fears. God is so fucking good.
FUCK YOU ANNE JOHNSON!!
Check out My new jig on the front page you cunt.
This is just wrong and you should all be ashamed of yourself. God didn’t invent abortion, man did!
“The Lord hates hands that shed innocent blood.”
Proverbs 6:16-17
God invented everything. Otherwise He wouldn’t be God.
duh.
if eatin’ babies is wrong…i don’t wanna be right.
Bridgette,
If God did not want babies to be aborted then He would have made the vagina a steal trap where no device other than the penis of the father can enter. He’s been setting this up since that slut Eve fucked everything up.
Bridgette, you read this blog as well as you read the bible. God said He allows it to happen. He didn’t say He created it, just that nothing man does escapes His notice.
You should also use your head for something other than your ugly looks. If a baby is unwanted, that baby would be much better off with God than with parents that will neglect it or in the foster care system. That’s one thing about you pro-lifers that I do not understand. You’d rather a child come into this world unwanted and unloved rather than be aborted. Being that you believe in God and heaven, that child’s next stop would be heaven and you’d still rather that child have a miserable mortal existence. Senseless and stupid… just like most of the shit you say.
yeah, on a percentage basis, abortion is way better for your witheringly dumb delusional belief system. i mean, if those kids live then, by your own argument, at least 90% grow up to be unrepentant sinners and get eternally tortured in hellfire by your loving god (who can’t think of a better plan than this to cure his loneliness—despite his alleged omniscience). however, if us bloodthirsty atheist faggot-fuckers get to murder the shit out of their sweet little faces then they get to sit at the right hand of god passing out lightning bolts on judgment day, right? way better. if anything, you should support abortion.
duh.
well, it took three of us but we managed to FACE her pretty good, i’d say. of course, God FACEd her first with puffiness and chronic rosacea.
bible gateway…
Hi, I hope Thursday finds you well, I found your site on google while looking for bible gateway and Just V-D-B ” Blog Archive ” Is Sampling Dying? was on the first page, great stuff!!!…
wow.
How dare you impersonate God? Blasphemy.
The world is drowning.
wow your blasmafie is un real to me that you would write that. go to church. and 1. jesus and god are white it’s been provine. no im not rastic it’s just a fact.and god hates nothing. if anything he hates it abortion. something he made and put in to a womens body also that he made. that woman goes and kills it. thing in this world god created but not everything like shopping malls,athicst churchs,electronics, ect… but god did make things that matter like animals,plants,earth, solor system,nature,moutains, children,women,men.ect…not something that kills something so so small,gentle,sweet,soft A BABIE!!!!!!! so you know what sorry but god dosent like abortions! period.!. jackasses get a life.!
I pity you.. I pity you so much!
How can you use God’s name in this disrespectful and nonsense blog? You should not be followed nor visitors should not come here. If you don’t ask for forgiveness now..prepare yourself to be burn in hell. I know, though you are still alive, your soul was burning in hell and your master was waiting for you down under. Don’t think twice, ask forgiveness now before your time was over..
A message for you to think about..