Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
I would like to speak about something I’ve always hated – woman on top!
I HATE WOMAN ON TOP! It is sinful and satanic and leads to atheist babies!
And you’re all guilty! I’ve watched you do it! ALL OF YOU! From Samson and Delilah to Gerald and Betty Ford, EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU DISGUSTING FUCKERS HAS EXPERIMENTED WITH THIS BLASPHEMOUS SEXUAL POSITION!
Well I say no more! Do it again and I will smite you! Men: your dicks will shoot not sperm but fire! Women: your pussies will release swarms of locusts whenever your lips are parted.
WOMAN ON TOP IS EVIL! I FORBID YOU FROM EVER DOING IT AGAIN!
As I’ve said before, I hate women. For this reason, they should NEVER be in control. Women are meant to be dominated and oppressed. They are born to suffer. They are a lower life form, one step higher than the cow. The cow provides man milk and meat, the woman provides man milk and sex. And someone to beat up when they’ve had a bad day.
I also hate woman on top position because it brings women too much pleasure. Women should not enjoy sex! THEY SHOULD NEVER ENJOY ANYTHING!
The whole sanctioned sexual positions subject was all supposed to be covered in the Bible. In fact, I had an entire book dedicated to the subject but it was left out thanks to a couple of squeamish monks. This was to be called the book of Schlomo, a journey of Biblical sex. You see, I blessed a young Hebrew named Schlomo with a massive schlong and an endless stream of supple young maidens. However, I warned him to never let a woman get on top of him – no matter how much she begged!
Well, Schlomo was faithful for many years, but one day he relented and let a woman climb on top. And so I viciously smote him! The clumsy harlot crushed his penis and broke it in twain! I immediately had a mule kick the woman in the back of the head, knocking her brains out onto the barn floor. But ye, Schlomo never fucked again.
Man - do you wish this to happen to you? Then the next time a woman asks to climb on top, slap the shit out of her! Then force her into Missionary. This is My Favorite because it’s twice as likely to produce a Christian baby.
If you find your woman is still giving you guff and asking to get on top, punch her in the tits and then force her into any number of other gloriously demeaning positions. I suggest the pile-driver, the prison guard, the Crucifix, or the Viennese oyster. If none of these get her to shut her yap, just fuck her face till she’s full of Christian love.
I, The Almighty Lord, have spoken.
freebiesss on 
TheEvilOverlord on 
God on 
Craig on 
samanta on 
ShunRenHu on 
Proverbs 31:30
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
Awesome!
Is varky style considered one of the demeaning styles?
Wow. I’m like slightly aroused.
God,
Is it sinful that Your pornographic sims are making me horny?
Also, on the missionary position, what is the sim whore doing with her hands? At first I thought she was rubbing her whorey sim clit but I don’t think that’s right unless her sim clit is really long.
maybe she’s got a penis.
like bridgette.
I will slap Zombie Tandy’s ass with glee
the next time I force her to submit
to another humiliating
doggie style session of fornication.
In Your name, I shall spackle her back.
I heard if you do reverse cowboy you can see the face of God looking back at you in anger.
Where did God get these anyway?
the woman animatron has a nice ass
Ummm… yeah… these are oddly erotic.
how bout the doggie style?
calm down, whore. they’re not fucking real. they’re fucking fake. that’s fake fucking.
God, I am so fucking glad I didn’t open this at work!
I got fired! THANKS A LOT GOD!
God has changed His Divine Post to be more full of Divine Rage.
Whoa. Did Ben really just get fired?
Nope. Those was just jokes!
The dick-sucking factory needs me more than ever.
That’s a pretty lame “joke”, ben.
oh. sorry. nice to know you care!
Seriously though, anyone really afraid to look at this at work?
Maybe God can censor this just for now?
Stop being a pussy, ben. If you can’t look at it at work then don’t. God shouldn’t censor for a fag like you.
ben actually did get fired from work, only because the pictures were guy/girl. The factory has a strict rule on that: only guy/guy and only dick sucking.
where is everyone?
Standing here, looking at your baby penis and laughing.
I’m here! I was away for awhile. That picture of the woman on top made me keen to try that with Mr. Johnson. It’s really fun! Thanks, God! I never would have thought of that!
nun,
it’s a black baby’s penis so I am still a full 5 inches bigger than Cracka.
God does smite me, and deservedly so. But He also knows I am a devote follower, so he throws me a bone every now and then. In fact I only have one more quickening till my sack is returned!!!!
probably too afraid to open this at work, josh.
When it comes to sex, God is a designated driver. Can’t get any, so resents those of us who do. Jealous, jealous, jealous.
God, if you were halfway decent, you could have a nice Goddess. But the only one you ever had was Asherah, and she says you were no good in the cloud.
Lotta things Cracka’s afraid to open. His fly being first on the list.
HEy God updated His post!!!! HA HA Nun you’re a cow. Now give me sex as it is God’s will!!!!!
Yeah, note comment #16 you fucking retard. And I don’t have to give it up but you’re supposed to beat me up if I don’t.
Damn there a lot of bitchy people today.
God, could you pontificate on the Viennese Oyster. It sounds like a night I spent in Napoli with some defrocked Carmelite nun. Well you already know the story……
A Carmelite nun? Dude, she’s a lesbo!
#34: What’s different about today? We’re always bitchy!
God, your humping Sims are too attractive. You should replace them with a live stream of two fat, ugly people beaming themselves onto the internet thinking someone would want to watch them fuck.
I was Adam’s first wife and refusing to do it in the Missionary Position is what got me kicked out of Eden. But no loss — it was worth leaving Paradise to get away from you, God, you Miserable Big Shit and away from Adam, your Miserable Little Shit. Good riddance!
me thinks Lilith is really Anne.
#38: Ahhhhh!
A kindred spirit!
Nope, Josh. Lilith is not me. Nor did I pay her $100 to post here … but I would have, if I’d known she was going to dis God.
Josh thinks God’s blog is only ever visited by 5 people.
Josh is retarded.
Nope, I’m not Anne Johnson! But I recognize her as a Beloved Daughter of the Goddess, esteemed for her stellar work on behalf of the Sacred Thunderbird Turkey Vulture.
Dear God, one Anne Johnson was enough. now we have two unicorn fuckers here. I guess that’s the way things are here. WE have two retards. Now we need another whore and another racist white guy with no penis.
And another retarded chinky-chong durr!
And 10 more Yo Yo’s.
Josh, you’re just jealous because you can’t fuck any unicorns with that little digit of yours laughingly referred to as a penis.
At least Josh has a penis, poor Cracka has an indent where his penis is supposed to be.
Talk about fucking ironic. Last week I was talking about Graham Norton and Gillian Anderson and guess who did Graham Norton last week. Fucking freaky, man! I wouldn’t want to drink her bathwater though. Yuck.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UPxXVtMZgS4
Yeah, now we have two unicorn-lovers and an L Woman. We need a F man. We’ve driven them all away by calling everything gay. Why are F men so gay about things being called gay? That’s gay.
Lilith knows of my work.
HAHAHA!! The apologies on the Graham Norton show were fucking funny! Except for that Goldfinch animal killer.
I also like Graham’s diss on Madonna.
Yes, Anne, your work is well known to the Goddess in Her Many Guises.
This isn’t going to turn into a unicorn-fuckers circle jerk, is it?
Lilith,
Anne will burn you, I know. She still owes me half a sandwich.
I still lurk, waiting for Anne to come back to me.
Oh! Look who’s back! The thing that has more nose than Cracka has dick! Back to the mop room with you, Ben …. errr … oh, whatever.
I’M NOT THE MOP ROOM FAIRY!
#53: Yes, it is Nun — you can join us if you want! Hee hee!
HA!! Where’s my weeeeeeeeed
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/2debf58bc2/alien-weed
God will smite you all with horrible unicorn STDs for trying to fag up His Divine Blog with your evil circle jerk.
Hey Nun — I’ve never known a penguin yet who would pass up on some lesbo action when offered. Are you sure you’re a real nun?
#58 - I just spent $30 to take my kids to a 90-minute movie that wasn’t 1/10000th as funny as a 4 minute video I can see for free! WHAT KINDA FUCKIN WORLD IS THIS????????
Nun, would Scully smoke that weed?
She’s God’s Nun, Lilith — straight as an arrow. Gotta clue you in on that. Oh well, more unicorn for us!!!
Lilith how can you say lesbo action if you’re banging a unicorn? It’s that bestiality? I mean technically if the unicorn is a girl it is lesbo, but I think bestiality tops lesbianism on any day.
Josh, a circle jerk does not involve anyone but ourselves. And if we’re all women (Anne, Lilith and Nun), then that means it’s lesbo action. Unicorns don’t enter into it. Try to keep up with the conversation, okay?
Haha… Josh doesn’t know what a circle jerk is.
Anne - #61,
No, I don’t believe Scully willingly does recreational druggage.. she’s a lapsed Catholic but still a bit of a prude. Mulder would smoke it though… with the martians. That’s how Mulder rolls.
Lilith - #60,
I fuck guys, not women. I’m a pretty shitty nun. I won’t even turn lesbo for Gillian Anderson.
I have censored those fucking robotic simulatronic people for now, so that the meekly Cracka and Bridgette can safely visit again.
Too bad, Nun. You’re kinda cute, judging from your picture.
WHAT THE FUCK!!
Fucking pansy ass Cracka took away my sim porn!! 
Damn you, Cracka! DAMN YOU!!! I’m so full of rage right now. 
Relax Nun. I’ll bring it back at night for you to flick your bean to and censor it during the day for My other followers so they don’t get fired.
But… it’s in the evening for Your mortals now, God. Not to mention the poor followers that don’t reside in the US. How are You going to work around the cursed mortal time zones, God?
And if my boss saw me looking at those, I don’t think firing me is the first thing that would come into his head.
I’m also still full of rage for Cracka. That’s how I roll.
Oh, I see You already restored it, God. Ahhh… sweet, sweet sim porn.
God got comment #69… the best number in the whole mortal world.
nun,
i don’t do circle jerk. that’s faggy to the nth power.
and you’re the retard now, 69 is not a great number in the eyes of God because the woman would be getting pleasure!
forgive my spelling i am writing this from my phone at a comedy show.
God make the website viewable on mobile devices! He is good all the time.
Personally I’ll take the horny Sims over the Speedo Asians any time. I learned not to open this site at work the day God wrote about Queen Latifah and illustrated His insights with a manatee.
Doesn’t the Bible talk about how you should communicate with God in private, not in public?
what was offensive about Queen Maniteefah?
the black history month montage I understand. that was quite hatey pants.
And all this time I thought Paul was the mysoginist. I’m so glad to see this is directly from God.
Josh,
Some guys are very, very bad at giving oral pleasure to a woman so 69 does not necessarily equate to feminine pleasure. And when it does… who gives a fuck?! I’m a woman, God warned man that we would want that what you are not allowed to give. So suck it, retard.
Check this out… the exploits of you and I.
http://www.xtranormal.com/watch?e=20090421011058863
how can a guy be bad at oral to a woman? Does he bite down hard on the little man in the boat? While he’s doing it does he punch you in the pussy? I mean it’s not rocket science.
It’s not rocket science but some men are stupid and completely clueless when it comes to a woman’s body. Some men do use teeth and some men don’t even realize what that little man in the boat is for. Come on, Josh… I know some women suck at oral so why shouldn’t men be the same?
And I’m completely bummed that our sim porn has been replaced with a big white dot. Fucking prudes!
Did anybody notice that God edited His Divine Post again?
What did he change? I thought he said the censorship was just during the day.
yeah Nun there are some women who suck at sucking.
Cracka!! it’s ok to come out now!! you can tell me to shutup!!!
Yo Yo really ain’t touching this thread at all.
Prudes.
yeah…haha! They’re scared of getting fiiiii–errrrreeeddd!!
THIS blog is dangerous.
Nun, I found where God got these sims from:
http://www.sexinfo101.com/sp_index.shtml
that should satisfy your sim sex cravings.
my job is almost as stupid as i am.
this afternoon, when it slows down around here, you guys are so getting weakly insulted by me!!!
IN ALL CAPS!!!!
WITH EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!
shut up, ben.
YAY!
Mrowr.
I wonder if God meant the ‘cross’ when He said ‘crucifix’.
this is hilarious.
http://izismile.com/2009/04/17/people_who_look_exactly_the_same_in_all_pictures_5_gifs.html
Nun,
don;t use your whore knowledge to try to show up God. He meant the crucifix.
God,
What is Your opinion on this position?
http://www.sexinfo101.com/sp_missionary_inverted.shtml
Obviously they’ve taken Your Divine entrance-to-Heaven position, missionary style and eviled it up by putting the woman on top. WTF, God? WTF??
HAHA… the guy in the last pic on Josh’s link is funny looking.
#94 Nun,
clearly that is the work of the devil, to take something so pure, something that was a gift from God and turn it into a tool of evil.
that white censor dot is so hot.
how many, josh?
one?
have you guys ever heard the term “laugh ears”? I am sure cracka has heard a similar term in this travels with his band.
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m horny.
God,
Seriously, please kill Perez Hilton. He is doing gays and lesbians no favors, the opposite actually. Please end this on-going Earth smite and remove Perez Hilton from the world.
DAMN YOU, JOSH!!!!!!!!!!
YOU ARE GETTING BRUTALLY MURDERED!!!!!!
SOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ha ha mother fucker!!!!! and low and behold my sack has been returned to me. Praise be God!!!!!!
My Burro’s dad called some neighborhood kids “ass eyes” once, Josh. Is that in the same vein? You know, getting so pissed off that words escape you.
Shut up ben.
We had an outbreak of viruses here, so I’ve been at the STD clinic, err, I mean, updating antivirus software since Friday. Fucking (l)users.
It looks like that sim woman finally figured out how to play with her own clit…
http://www.sexinfo101.com/sp_mirrorofpleasure.shtml
nah nun,
laugh ears are when a comic hears laughter but there is none; they swear they are doing good on stage but in reality they are bombing. I know a comic and no matter how bad she does, she tells the story as if she killed. I did a show with her recently and she ate it, but she just told everyone that she started off slow then won the crowd over. her ears are permanently set to laughs.
I would have ‘boo ears’ on stage. No matter how well I was doing, I’d think I was bombing.
She isn’t that blonde ventriloquist comic, is she?
i have boo ears.
thing is, i’m standing in front of a thundering drum kit with monitors in front of me. the lights are in my eyes, so i can’t see shit. after the song, i don’t hear anything. fuck, they hate us. well, i’ll just be an ass and accuse them of fucking rotten deer corpses (in some venues, not much of a stretch). later, i’ll watch the dvd and people are actually into it. i wonder what they think of my descriptive insults as they kindly clap and whistle? wow, he’s more of a dick than that cracka guy from StuffGodHates!
i find it’s best to alienate the crowd. it can provide you with an illusive cloak of mystery…
which smells a lot like beer and spit.
’sup Yo.
no one ever accuses ben of being clever.
Hey, where did the reference go in paragraph 3 of God’s rant concerning the Warrens and Doles doing it with the woman on top? Did God get a letter from BIG, BAD SCARY LAWYERS and edit himself??? Wuss.
when i go onstage when I do standup comedy (I’ve started doing standup) all i hear is people telling me to sit down and shutup.
No Lilith, I did not get a letter, nor would I care if I did. I changed it because I felt like it. I’ll change it again if I feel like it. I’LL SMITE YOU IF I FEEL LIKE IT TOO!
Shut up ben
Nun,
do you know her?
Ben,
Did you really start doing stand up?
anne,
here’s a real life unicorn for you:
http://dlisted.com/node/31701#comments
Wow, God, that really takes me back! You haven’t threatened to smite me since that whole Garden of Eden fiasco with Adam. I seem to recall that I told you at that time to kiss my rosy red ass. Still good advice, Old Man, pucker up!
says the woman whose story is less known than the tour of lesbian guitar people that bears her name.
fuck you, lilith! i’d smite you for Him if i could!!!
ben, sit down and shut up.
Josh, my story is well known to all intelligent people. That’s why it’s obscure to the likes of you.
Uppity Cracka, don’t send a boy to do a man’s job.
Lilith,
Clearly I know your story as I even know about your fair. My point is the masses do not know your stuff but they have heard sarah mclachlan sing in hushed lesbianonic tones.
Please work on your reading comprehension and understand that when I say more people know about the cunty music fair than you, it does not imply that I do not know about your story.
Lilith has better reading comprehension than ben. At least Lilith noticed the changes that God made whereas ben was too stupid to figure it out.
God,
If You care not about what others are thinking then why did You censor Your sim porn?
by “intelligent” lilith means superstitious nerds who believe in dragons and magic orbs and lesbian, disease bearing godesses.
124:
readingcomprehensionFACE!!!
#125: Way to cross examine, Nun! Good question!
WTF…
http://www.ktvu.com/news/19236187/detail.html
yes Josh, I did. I got up at the local bar and talked about how big my head is. people were laughing more at me than anything. then someone started making fun of me and i left.
Nun, I care not. I took pity on My Followers, who love Me and who rely on their jobs to feed their kin.
shutup, Lilith! DAMN YOU!
why are her eyes so close together, nun?
ben, you should make fun of them back. oh yeah, well at least i don’t have a tiny head!
#129 nun,
don’t you know how much you can get for a white baby on the black market? when you make an omelet you have to break a few stachatory rape laws
ben,
do you want to be a stand up comic?
that’s gold cracka! pure gold! say, ya got anymore? I’ve already got a reputation as a thief and a hack.
yeah but i suck in front of people.
and i’ve never been funny.
#118 Well nun do you know her?
I knew it, God. You’re just a Big Divine Softie. Unless You’re enraged.
Josh,
Then maybe she should sell her own kid instead of trying to take somebody else’s. I’ve seen people contemplate the possibility that this “7 year old” was Sandra Cantu. Sandra Cantu was 8 when Lucifer’s evil minion took her from her mortal life and depending on when her birthday is, she very well might have been 7 in January. I’m getting sick of people saying “she was such a good Christian, she couldn’t possibly have done this”. Fuck off, Jesus freaks!
just rip on yourself for not being funny.
every once in a while sigh and say “i hate myself”.
“i’m always horny, but i have such a small penis. it really sucks.”
that’s from my personal experience but you can use it. don’t worry about me, i’ve got plenty of quickenings under my belt. as soon as i get my nuts back i can use this thing.
in what state do you live?
I can tell you how you can go about seeing if you have any aptitude for stand up, if that is what you want to do.
I personally would advise against it, as stand up, the being on stage part is great, but everything else sucks royal ass.
oh the 142 comment was for Benifer.
I hope God smites Perez Hilton with the anal cancer and the full-blown AIDS soon. He’s ruining the cause for gay marriage by giving it a public face of a fat queen who cannot stand a different opinion. He’s no better than the extreme right.
A hint for you single guys out there: Lilith Fair is a lousy place to pick up chicks.
this is funny only if you saw the original they are mocking:
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/6eddb255b2
Dangerous Things to do With Your Dick:
Use it as a swizzle stick at Lilith Fair.
Smear it in honey and shove it in an ant’s nest.
Use it to check a light socket.
I love this song… for the obvious reasons. There doesn’t seem to be any legitimate video by the original artist but Bob is a local boy and has some pretty good twisted tunes so I chose his cover.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0MKyyTp3Ml0
HA!! Stop it, storm!! What’s wrong with Alicia Silverstone’s mouth?
God, did You really contribute money to the giant gay repellent umbrella? If so, did You use heaven money or earth money?
The last lady in that video… the lesbian type lady who asks us to donate, she was in an episode of The X-Files.
yes Nun, she was in a lot of things, she’s down with that Jud Apatow crew (KNocked Up, Role Models, 40 Year Old Virgin).
Alicia Silverstone fell off. She’ now has Sylvester Stallone mouth.
So Nun, do you know that blonde ventriloquist girl!?!?!?!?!?!?
Wow… the Kids in the Hall guys got kind of chunky…
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/77502867ed/never-before-seen-kids-in-the-hall-from-kids-in-the-hall
I would so totally fuck Dave Foley.
Who cares about Judd Apatow, she was in an episode of the fucking X-Files!!
Did Alicia Silverstone have a stroke or something? The left side of her mouth doesn’t really seem to move.
I know she’s not funny. Why? Do you know her?
yeah I know her.
man Kids in the Hall are fucking huge!!!!!
If they dressed up in drag, they’d look like Bridgette.
I wonder if Bridgette ever tried to get on top (returning to today’s subject)? Would Mr. Bridgette die immediately?
Do you think she’s funny?
My Kids in the Hall boys got fat.
Bridgette doesn’t get on top, Yo. Missionary style only.
Whoops - that’s true. Lucky for Mr. Bridgette - who wants to die in a fat avalanche?
damn…those guys are fucking fat dude.
a fat avalanche….A FATVALANCHE!
that’s gold! pure comedy gold!
So, do you think she’s funny, Josh? Is she the one you were talking about with the ‘laugh ears’?
#161 realityFACE
Ben,
Where the fuck do you live? I could suggest a few stand up things that will help you see if this is for you.
Nun,
I sent you an email.
I would totally pay to see Ben and Josh have a
stand up face off.
Drinks are on me.
Ben: Knock knock.
Crowd: Who’s there?
Ben: Me.
Crowd: Shut up
well played Hume
I would part with one of the 1932 Silver Eagle coins I keep in my shoe to see Ben and Josh in a ‘joke-off’.
That’s joke-off, kids.
I wouldn’t pay to see ben humiliated. I can see that for free here.
I live in northern NJ.
Northern NJ?
Say. No. More.
Just tell ‘em the name of your hometown.
Pure Comedy Gold.
The best position ever created by God’s stupid mortal man…
http://www.sexinfo101.com/jockey.shtml
I wonder how God feels about it.
ben,
if you’re close enough to make it into the city one night a week i would suggest you take a comedy class. they show you the basics and you get to do a show at the end.
just be careful as many of those classes are taught by people who suck. i can recommend one that’s good.
And try not to tell the actual comedians how to be a comedian, ben. That won’t win you any friends.
Ben don’t listen to Nun. Tell them their jokes suck, then work your favalanche joke into the conversation. You’ll have your sitcom in no time!!!
Seriously, if you’re interested I could help you with some pointers. When i started out I too was living in northern jersey (North Brunswick) and I came to the city 7 days a week (6 to do stand up and the 7th to do my girlfriend! Ba-Zing!!!)
cool Josh, thanks. yeah, I’d be interested in taking a class. i’ll email you to ask which one you think is best.
Wow, I, I feel like the world has changed today! Maybe we should all be a little kinder to ben. Maybe nicer, build him up, not tear him down.
Naaaa!
Josh is setting ben up for one looooong smite. The kind that ends with ben onstage in tears.
Yo yo,
don’t get the wrong idea, I’m hoping that helping someone “special” like Ben will help me out with my court mandated community service.
you have court mandated community service? how many hours? that shit sucks.
say, you know what sucks about community service? ya gotta help people and stuff!
HAR! I’m off to a great start.
No, you’re not.
OMG, flash from the past! Didn’t Andy Kaufman pull a fast one on some nice gospel sining kids? Let them be on his show, the audience booed them, the kids were in tears.
Anyone up for milk and cookies?
I like where this is headed.
I like the cartoon version of You, Oh Smitey One.
Ben lives in North Jersey.
Anne lives in South Jersey.
Is there enough room in the Garden State for both of us?
Nope.
Ben. Pack your bags. Kansas called, they said they need a standup comic.
I refuse to leave comments on this site during the time in which the fucking Sims are censored. I want to see real fake humping, not something blotted out to make Bridgette more comfortable.
Oh wait. Kansas called. They said they need a state idiot. The villages are so widespread they want one idiot to work 372 of them. You know, the economy is tight. Villages can’t support idiots the way they used to.
A car is waiting for Ben at the Topeka airport.
Looks like Anne’s gotten into the ether, again.
I should know.
Binge-ing is great.
I feel super.
Keep the vulture stuff coming.
Vulture documentaries and opiates, for instance,
go together so well.
Binging?
Bingeing?
Beijing?
Boeing?
Just checked out 1,000 ways to die.
Brilliant stuff, that.
Good work young josh.
A burst colon. ouch.
Painful, eh, Anne?
Teezilla must be getting a beating.
This is the perfect time to discuss the Missionary Position.
When performed correctly, by someone endowed with an impressive johnson, it is fabulously satisfying for the female Homo sapiens.
Having experienced the Venus Butterfly, I disdain being on top.
It’s like this:
1. Your endowment.
2. Your performance.
3. If #1 and #2 are satisfactory, I’ll make you a meal.
If either is lacking …
Your sac shrinks, flamer!
Any questions?
Next time you’ve got the significant other in Missionary Position, think about hockey and move like you’re playing it underwater.
This free advice courtesy of Anne Johnson, Pagan.
Yes.
Are you wearing the vulture suit in this configuration?
I bet you are.
And if so, do you make vulture calls when you climax?
Rather - if you climax.
Because all men know that satisfying the woman
is secondary.
Sorry, but it’s the truth.
Didn’t know you made random appearances, Sir.
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/god_makes_surprise_visit_to_local?utm_source=a-section
Cool. I wonder if He appears at bars or golf courses.
You know, God. I have to agree with you here… if only because I’m lazy. Woman on top is hard word for me (as a woman) but missionary style, well, I get to lay there and enjoy it! I also hate doggie style. Seriously only guys like that. It doesn’t stimulate the clit, so it’s no good for me.
Wrong AGAIN, Hume darling. Vultures make no calls. They can only HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Was it your subconscious, Anne, that you would
draw out the word ‘His’?
Thanks for the clarification nonetheless.
Anne and Lilith,
This is for you: http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1908410
For Cracka:
http://www.holytaco.com/8-stages-alcohol-consumption
Thanks, Josh. The video was juvenile and disgusting, but I must admit it made me laugh. Just a little.
Lyds - #208,
What the fuck, girl! Are your fingers broken? Stimulate your own clit during doggy style. Women are not reliant on men for their orgasms. As Hume has tried to assert, they don’t care but in reality, they’re just not skilled enough in addition to being selfish. God thinks it’s evil but God’s precious man very rarely listens to what God says.
Haha at Josh’s link on 212. Haha at the picture of the chick spread-eagled on the sidewalk.
it’s not that complicated.
212 was blocked by our evil IT dept. i blame yoyo.
Hey, it’s April 22nd — Happy Earth Day, everyone! Time to celebrate the Great Goddess Gaia — hug your favourite tree today!
I find getting woman to orgasm easy. I stick it in and fuck and they have 2-3 orgasms.
And you’re also an idiot, ben. You probably think a woman’s vagina constricting is an orgasm.
nope, they moan and wail and then tell me after. i might be dumb but i can fuck.
I think they’re probably lying to you as they don’t want to hurt your feelings because you’re prone to crying. And if they have to tell you after, you don’t know what you’re doing.
dumbfuckFACE!
don’t take it, ben. hit her back with a titty, vagina or whore joke!!! and when you’re done with that:
shut up.
You forget, Cracka… ben isn’t funny although that’s never stopped you.
your tits are saggy and full of sour milk. your vagina spells of dead fish and rotting mice.
Ben said: “your vagina spells of dead fish and rotting mice.”
My vagina doesn’t do spells but nice try.
FUCKING DAMMNIT!
You sell use of your gigantic vagina for money. Not for sex, but for storage space.
A wise man once said:
shut up ben
Also, I think it’s spelled thusly: dammit.
As in, “I lost my car keys in Anne’s bush, dammit!”
Take the advice of the wise man, ben. Otherwise you’ll continue to show that you’re not capable of coming up with anything that’s actually funny. I’d say you look stupid as well but we already know you’re stupid.
Your teets are comparable to that of an old water buffalo.
In the Muslim world you would have been executed at the age of 13 for rampant slutteryness.
What the fuck is “slutteryness”? Give it up, ben. You look like a bigger retard than Josh.
i don’t know…229 wasn’t bad.
also, you accuse me of not being funny…let’s recount divine comments again, shall we? how many of those were about your vagina/and or breasts? ahhhh…looks like i win.
i think i meant and/or
not vagina/and
it was a faulty slash.
i mis-slashed.
You only get divine comments about my vagina and boobs because God loves my vagina and boobs. He also made a Josh comment divine because it was about my boobs.
or because it was HI-larious!!!
do they make push up bras for water buffalo?
Nun,
He gave me the divine post because it was funny. I just used your boobs as the basis for my insult.
anyone watch frontline last night? it was about water pollution. nun, why are you letting the puget sound get all fucked up? ridiculous. anyway, i hope none of you were planning to ever eat seafood again as long as you live.
Mulder and Scully tats holding up my titties like Atlas holding up the world is funny but it is also about my titties. Hence your divine comment.
cracka, sorry about the link block. I’ve spoken with the Brotherhood of Information Technology Workers, Integrated Satellite Earth (BITWISE), they have agreed to take it under consideration.
Cracka, I figured it was all them stinking Canucks doing the pollution. I say we invade their country, kill them all, and be back in time for dinner.
or send ben up to practice his comedy routines on them - either way, it’s bad.
wrong Nun, many people have received God’s divine comment gift and their posts are not about your soon to be knee low breasts.
’strewth - I got a Divine Comment, and it didn’t refer to Nun’s prolapsed fun-bags.
Hey Yo Yo, don’t you be dissin’ Canada. It’s heaven on earth up here compared to the mess below the 49th Parallel.
except for the French portion: that’s douche on earth.
LOL - I’m from Maine (45th parallel to be exact) When things go to hell, we’re blowing up the Piscataqua Bridge and unioning with New Brunswick.
Blame Canada, blame canada,
with their beady little eyes
and flapping heads so full of lies
That’s right, Josh. Quebec can go to hell.
It seems everything’s gone wrong
since Canada came along
With all their hockey hullabaloo
and that bitch Anne Murray, too
Lilith, are you Canuckian? Eh?
Le Quebec, l’hockey, meme Anne Murray, ce sont tout magnifique. Yer jus jellus.
Hell, I didn’t take a musket ball in the leg at the Battle of the Plains of Abraham to hear this crazy talk.
fuck the canucks…and the flames…and the oilers…
go wild!!!
well, after we rebuild…then go wild!!!
No lilith I am not.
I used to go to Canada every year for work (back when Nortel was an actual company doing things). The French Canadians treated us like shit, although they had no problem with our money (at the time the US dollar was almost twice as much and the Canadian monopoly money). The Americans that got treated the worst, the black ones. Luckily I am no Wesley Snipes, so I got treated like I was spanish. but poor Omar, he got no love in French Canada.
Leave the Tim Horton’s and Irving gas stations intact - we need gas for our SUVs and food for our bellies.
that french-indian war still sticking in your craw, yoyo? let it go, man, let it go…
Yo Yo, I’m impressed with your knowledge of Canadian/Quebec history. Even though you say you’re from Maine, are you really a secret Canuck?
oh yeah, the simpsons in french sucks
Yep - You’d hear the stinkers speaking English, but as soon as you asked them a question, it’s all ‘Je ne comprends pas’.
As you say, Josh, they have no problem with taking our money.
Josh, don’t feel bad. The Quebecois treat all those who speak English like shit. It’s just their charming way. Don’t take it personally, man. We English Canadians certainly don’t.
Sacre bleu!
Everthing in French sucks,
except French whores in Monte Carlo.
They swallow.
hey Ben,
are you to busy shutting up to email me? I got some books for you.
Fuck, cracka, I was there when Wolfe passed away.
Hume Cronyn, have you forgotten that you were born in London, Ontario, Canada before you became a famous actor? You’re a Canuck too. Unless of course, you’re not the REAL Hume Cronyn and are just some IMPOSTER using his illustrious name.
oooooooooh…..
maybe that’s how he knows how much they suck.
it’s true, just as disease-bearing clam-digger says, right there on wikipedia…hume cronyn-dead canadian actor.
Mmmmmmmmmm, clams. Don’t distract me!
Sorry J, been busy. I emailed you now
J?
shut up, B-Man.
Lilith,
you’re the female version of a fag. I mean that as a compliment.
B-skeezy,
I just sent the e-mail back to you, yo. that’s the deals nealssss.
Crack-wizzle,
don’t hate. everyone knows you relate to black people by using nick names homes!!!!!
Jesus, Josh. You can’t even do “black” right.
nun,
no one can do black like you. if doing blacks was an olympic sport you’d do the judges.
Lilith, if you’ve followed these posts, you’d know
I’m self loathing in the extreme, and addicted
to laudanum.
Fuck Canada and fuck you.
Congrats on figuring out Wikipedia.
“addicted to laudanum”?? Jezus, what century were you born in?
you’re right,
dj joshy josh. talking like this is so fly, homeboy.
watch me dance!
izzle.
What id ‘doning black’ was a show, like American Idol? Would Nun be Paula or Simon? And would ben play Ryan?
Err, What IF ‘DOING black’…etc.
nun would be the desperate, crazed fan at the back of the auditorium with a gaudy looking “black dicks rule!” sign hopelessly flashing her leaky primate tits.
Nun would be the Susan Boyle of the show. They’d see this woman come on stage who looked like she drove bus while one her break from being a lunch lady, and figure she knew nothing about being black. Then she’d open her mouth and all the black dicks would fall out.
#286: Glad you cleared that one up Yo Yo.
Which finger did Mrs. Yo Yo bite off last night?
yoyo, in the sense that someone has to suck everyone’s dick, yes—ben would definitely be the show’s “seacrest”. shame to let all that experience at the dick sucking factory go to waste.
God would be Simon. Every time I think of God I see Simon in my mind.
that’s why your life is so terrible, anne. because God hates you. that…and you believe in fairies.
“Which finger did Mrs. Yo Yo bite off last night?”
None - I use auto DICKtation software - she bit my tongue.
ouch!
oh baby, you sho sheckshy!!
josh, i pose to you a query:
how many can there be?
i await your answer.
still waiting.
Lilith, #263, just saw it. Grandpére YoYo ‘came down’ from NB in the 1890’s. And Maine kids get a little Canuckistory in school.
no?
ONE!!! THAT’S HOW MANY, J-DAWG!!!
Huzzah! Cracka got it! Josh was strangely silent on the issue.
oh, sweet balls…return to me!!!!!!!!!
sweet and salty.
You da man! That’s what I’m talkin about!
Fo’ shizzle.
God, my team is getting killed by the evil red sox right now.
why, God, why?!!!!!!
BWHAHAHAHA! God loves them Red Sox, He does.
i know, it’s stupid.
and they have dumber fans the cubs.
God,
All these lily white honkys trying to talk “black” is incredibly offensive and more than a little embarrassing. Please censor them.
Be don’, wizzle. Don’t get angry with me ‘cuz I get jiggy with the language!
Nun, it’s a great way to torment my older son: bad enough I (gasp) talk to his friends, but a middle aged white guy using black urban slang makes him want to vanish on the spot!
It’s a great way to keep the Young Turks in line.
i believe the plural of honky is honkies. don’t they teach that in ebonics class?
you mean black urban slang from 1993 as bastardized by suburban white kids, right, yoyo?
Cracka, what’s the score? Sox up by 9, or something like that, last time I was able to see a score. (Can’t use radios in this metal building, and I banned streaming audio - bandwidth takes a hit)
Piss off, wiggers.
“piss off”? Who the hell are you supposed to be? Madonna?
Wow. Ignorant much? Americans use that phrase too, retard.
I listen to urban slang all day every day, so I know as a middle-aged white woman I can’t possibly pull it off. It would be tantamount to wearing a bikini.
Nun,
who’s a retard now? Madonna is American!
No, she’s not. She’s better than Americans, that’s what she seems to believe anyway.
Anne,
A middle aged white woman can pull it off:
http://egotastic.com/entertainment/celebrities/lisa-rinna/lisa-rinna-bikini-pictures-004580
her face may look like a baboon’s ass but her body it very nice.
Sometimes I entertain my students by talking hillbilly. b/c I don’t buy this stuff about ebonics making anyone who uses it look retarded. Anyone who thinks that ought to try to write a rap.
Nah, bikinis belong on young thangs. Skinny young thangs. Everyone else oughta stick to tanks. Including Rhino.
Here’s a new topic. Don’t you hate going to the beach and seeing some 300-lb FUPA in a bikini? And it’s fuckin inevitable, at least along the Jersey Shore.
Anne,
Ebonics makes anyone who uses it look retarded. Even it’s name is racist (Ebony Phonics?). Making up words and changing the definition of words (diva is a female version of a hustler. Ummm no it’s not it’s another word for bitch) makes you look stupid.
I know you love the darkies in a way different from Nun, but ebonics is fucking stupid.
Anne,
go to the nude beach in central jersey. there will be people on the beach who are naked, but you have to take their word for it.
I worry not about the 300 lb FUPAs on the beach in bikinis because it allows me an opportunity to perfect my FUPA-killing strategy. It also allows me the chance to yell “beached whale” repeatedly. All my FUPA abuse is done for God.
I do it all for You, God!!
Once at a nude beach in the Canary Islands,
I saw about a mile of nude Germans, all roughly 60 years old.
Sweet double dribbling Jesus it was awful.
Melted my cataracts.
Swigged the tincture of opium extract that day.
I’m not just talking about females either. At least the fat women at the health club are actually in the pool doing a little aerobics. The fat old dudes lumber into the hot tub, displace half the water, lumber out again, and rip their towels trying to get them to fit around their waists. Three hundred pounds, with heart surgery scars. *Anne hacks up fur ball.*
if anything will turn you to substance abuse it’s that…or working for a living…or being sober for more than ten minutes.
I belong to a clothing-optional Pagan campground, but I never go. Cuz I damn well know what I would see.
Ah, substance abuse! When will my other hip go bad, so I can get more prescription Valium? I took the last of it when my mother in law visited at Christmas.
woodland fairies???
campground unicorns???
fat guys with boners???
332 in response to 330.
slow down, johnson!!
Hume, try absinthe, it’s what all the 19th century Parisian artists and writers are using!
Fat guys with boners, fat women with watermelon tits, scary people of both genders covered head-to-toe with tattoos, pierced in places that God wouldn’t think of. I’m a conservative Pagan. I like my kitten slaughters to be done in crimson robes. And the unicorns must be saddled. No barebacked unicorns!
You’re no fun, Anne. I’m going to start calling you no-fun-Anne.
that’s very creative, nun. you get an A plus-plus.
the A stands for “a whore”.
At least I can think of words other than ‘whore’.
ouch.
my feeling.
Cracka, how ya feeling now?
http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/recap?gid=290422202&prov=ap
scott baker-good pitcher-comes back from a sore shoulder to give up 7 homers in 8.2 innings. yikes.
and only 147 games to go!!!! oh no!!!!!
is baseball really THAT boring?
i mention one thing and everyone splits.
fuckers-i guess this means you can all fuck off as ben, as always, shuts up.
yoyo comes up big at #258!!!!
congratulations. musta been one of His favorite wars.
Congrats, Yo Yo! Must have been the reference to “Abraham” that caught the Almighty’s attention.
But then again you never know how that psychotic bastard God will react to things — one day he’s smiting you and the next you’re the Divine Comment of the Day.
Shut up lilith
Somehow I would have expected more eloquence from you, Hume, but then again, you’re just an inebriated IMPOSTER.
Yo Yo,
you’d appreciate this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ht96HJ01SE4&feature=player_embedded
shut up, lilith.
Thank You God!
Interesting, the Divine Comment of the Day must have happened on my way home - all the lights were green, and I was able to hear my favorite tunes on the radio - usually I hear the last few bars.
Josh, very cool rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody! Thanks.
and the red sox destroyed the two “ace” pitchers on the twins staff.
why is everything going yoyo’s way? God must be preparing him for a serious old guy smite. gout? shingles? polio?
last times things were going this well for yo yo his smite was the Spanish Inquisition. No one expects the Spanish Inquisition.
LOL, good one, Josh! I’ll have to work in to my next performance review.
Cracka, God won’t smite me. He’ll smite my loved ones, and let me live to 110.
Indirect Smite!
that’s only like six more months, isn’t it?
OLD F-F-F-F-ACE!
Dear God,
Please don’t smite me but I got a suggestion for a cartoon. You should show yourself smiting the Holy hell out of someone that deserves it like Pat Robertson. That’d be sweet.
What do you guys think? Please don’t shoot down my idea just because it’s me.
your idea sucks just because you’re ben.
ben - As you have somehow deduced despite your idiot intellect, I am in fact creating a Divine Cartoon. Your idea is ok to mediocre. I will definitely *cough* take it into consideration.
Any other suggestions or thoughts for what you, My loving humans (other than ben) would like to see in My Cartoon are welcome.
I don’t know about anybody else but I want to see God in a Divine Porno. God is sexy with a massive Divine Schlong.
I think it would also be cool to see God on a Divine Bender under the influence of whatsoever God deemed worthy.
yo yo,
if he would only let you live to 110 he would have had to kill you 742 years ago.
I think the cartoon should be God doing everyday things, like going to Starbucks and getting angry in those situations, but showing how the minor situation relates to humanity as a whole. I think Ben’s idea is pretty obvious and has been done to death already. I think showing God as a regular person who gets pissed off about shit, but has the power to change it. I also think God needs a shitty sidekick if only to offer a counterpoint to God’s divine rage and super powers.
Anne at School:
I would like to see God on His knees to the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
Hey. You asked, Sucka.
Ben, your idea would be funnier if it showed God smiting someone who DOESN’T deserve it.
Anne at school:
God’s shitty sidekick could be some fat little cherubim. God’s Divine Car should have one of those retarded “Baby on Board” signs.
“Baby on Board” signs are really lame, Anne. Our precious God should not have to look so totally lame by using one of those stupid, stupid signs.
what if God is trying to relate to humans more and His sidekick is some regular guy who God met, like on Craigslist or some other equally crappy thing like match.com
Why are you guys trying to fag up God??
my bad Nun. It should just be a series of God fucking a bunch of women. That is as genius as it is both marketable and sellable.
Seriously, when you’re dealing with a character such as God, who is above all of us mortals, you have to find a way to make Him relatable and likable. He needs some type of flaw, and since He is God he is flawless. Therefore the flaw has to be outside of himself, say a shitty brother.
to make it funny, nun.
you know how christopher walken in ‘the prophecy’ would bring souls back right as the person was dying to have his ‘monkey’ around to drive cars and do shit for him? God could have a series of those that He smites to hell when they fuck up.
Isn’t His flaw that He’s perpetually cranky?
bring back ZEUS!!!
funny guy and a distant cousin with an inferiority complex.
His sidekick could be clarence, the angel from it’s a wonderful life…except also an alcoholic.
Nun,
can you tell me the difference between a character flaw and a character trait? oh you can’t, then google it.
If you make Him one dimensional, just a cranky old guy complaining about stuff, what separates this cartoon about God from any other cartoon about an old curmudgeon? Hell this could just be a cartoon about Yo Yo.
I would vote for Zeus but I don’t think Zeus is around anymore.
I think the fact that God gets enraged at almost anything makes Him relatable to mortals.
i think the fact that nun is such a whore makes her a whore.
does that help?
i like when josh uses his “industry insider” voice on us. it’s one of them…what do you call ‘em again??? relatable character flaws???
exactly cracka. Nun’s character trait is she is a whore. Because she is a whore and acts on the behavior is also her character flaw. She fucks all these black guys and every week all her stuff gets stolen from her house.
trait = she’s a whore
flaw = she anyone with a black dick, and a criminal record
look, whiteys, i proofread the script for the last tyler perry movie, okay? so you don’t know NOTHIN’!!! GOT IT!!!
Josh said some stupid stuff and then this: “just a cranky old guy complaining about stuff”
Uhh… the difference is that He’s God!! Unless you’re saying this blog is just a cranky old guy complaining about stuff. Is that what you’re saying, retard?
Shouldn’t it be “whities”, Cracka?
Josh, you’re black and stupid. Stop pretending to be white and smart.
I think God should have an apartment in NY and wacky neighbor. Maybe a group of friends he could meet regularly in the local coffee shop.
Nun,
I’m not saying that this blog is not the work of God, however when nonbelievers see a cartoon they may think that it is the work of mere mortals and they will judge it as such. They will not suspend their disbelief and understand it’s the work of God.
Ben,
You’re really not helping the cause.
I was just reiterating what you said Josh!
however Ben brings up a great sitcom: Sienfeld.
everyone had the same character flaw, they were assholes. But the trait is what separated them. I would so fuck Elaine.
it’s only ‘whities’ when a non-retardo ching chong says it.
This creative meeting is going well.
cold, unfeeling assholes…
like anal necrophilia except HI-lariouuuus!!!
Josh - I was actually referring to ‘Friends.’
I vote for the Seinfeld paradigm because God is essentially George Costanza on steroids. So his sidekick should be Kramer. Knowing you guys though, he’d probably be Racist Kramer.
ben,
friends sucks.
lilith,
where have you been? the real kramer is racist
is anyone else having problems loading this site today?
No, I think it’s God telling you that you’re a fucking retard.
maybe Nun,
but I’m His retard.
where is everyone?
cracka,
I have a question for you
How many can there be?
only……….
one!!!!!!
#392: Yes, Josh, I know it’s the real Kramer who’s racist but no one can ever look at character Kramer again the same way.
And oh yeah, P.S. — Elaine would not find you spongeworthy, Josh.
He loves you but you’re still retarded.
Nope, it’s loading for me fine Josh. I think it’s just you.
I would like to see God as I know Him, getting high and watching hell on TV in Heaven.
wish i had HELL-TV. sounds good.
It is good. Just get into Heaven and you’ll see how good it feels to be in Heaven, eating only the finest pizza and drinking the sweetest cognac, and watching assholes suffer in hell.
it wasn’t loading for an hour or so earlier for me. but that doesn’t mean God doesn’t hate you.
Are we going to see Him beating You on a regular basis, Jesus? It’s okay, we know You’re a battered child.
No it’s not like that. You just don’t know him like I do!
Shouldn’t You capitalize for Him or He’ll beat Your ass?
is it like living with a cross between bukowski and hunter thompson? brilliant, but given to moody, violent outbursts…
I’ve had difficulties today loading this site too, both on Internet Explorer and Mozilla Firefox. I think God may need a Viagra to keep his website up. (Maybe “omnipotent” is really spelled “impotent” eh, God?)
My Angel of Tech Support is working on this issue.
God has a huge, giganto penis that stays hard for eternity. It only goes flaccid when He tells it to.
How God starts a universe…
http://news.yahoo.com/s/space/20090422/sc_space/giantmysteryblobdiscoveredneardawnoftime
I would imagine that this big blob of “gas” is really a big blob of Divine Semen.
God and Cartman, hanging out and drinking beer.
I’d watch that.
They could talk about their hatred of Jews,
for instance.
Oops. Really?
I thought He no like Hebrews.
Oh well.
It’d still be funny.
nun believes in the real bible. what a stupid bitch. don’t you know nothin’ about TRUE Xtianity???
true X-tians have no need for biblical accuracy. may i present, as exhibit 1A, bridgette.
You guys will totally give me shit for this but I don’t care. I’ve always held a soft spot for The Carpenters and I just got a shitload of respect for them too, at least Karen. It’s pretty respectful to learn how to sing a song in a native tongue…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rdBsbyaTRwo
What does the bible have to do with it, moron? God has indicated several times that He’s full of Divine Love for His Jews.
It’s true, I love My Jews. I made a Covenant with them.
I have however, on many occasions, had to smite them hard. Like all the times I crushed Jerusalem and that one time I helped Adolph wipe out a bunch.
I guess I was going by history, Sir.
God,
You have said previously that You were on a Divine Bender when Hitler pulled his little Jew-stunt and that You were unaware what was happening to Your Jews until You sobered up. Are You now saying that You assisted Hitler or are You just on another Divine Bender and forgot that You were previously on a Divine Bender?
Nun you only like that video because it’s a white woman with titties that touch her belly button leading a bunch of asian retards.
la la la la la!!! la la la la la!!! durrrr!
A retard’s logic makes no sense and that’s why you, sir, are retarded. Just because I pity you and want to play with your afro penis does not mean that I naturally like retarded Asians. In fact, the retarded Asians in that video made me so immensely angry that I beat my burro. I just think it’s pretty fucking cool that she learned Japanese.
And this, Josh, is what I deal with on a daily basis.
Nun,
I was lying before. I used My Divine Discretion, as I did not deem you humans ready for the truth.
The Holocaust was My Idea, as was the Inquisition.
Honestly, you think any of these things happen without My Say So?
You are an evil, evil God. Your Divine Mean streak makes me horny.
He made us into a conflicted lot, eh?
Does that mean He’s conflicted, as we were made
in His own image?
No, He’s just full of rage.
We all knew the Inquisition was your idea, God. And it wasn’t a very good one. Cuz you didn’t wipe out all the Pagans, and now we’re so spread out that it’ll take a hell of a lot more than Opus Dei to round us up and gas us. *inserts Bronx cheer*
True: I have two students with the last name “Johnson.” Today I was filling a hall pass out for one of them. I asked him how to spell “Johnson.” And he spelled it out for me: J-O-H-N-S-O-N.
This is the second class I’ve had this kid in. I’m glad he knows how to spell his name, but he’ll have to work on spelling mine.
God, I’m glad you’re finally owning up to being the evil perpetrator behind the Holocaust and the Inquisition, but it leads me to ask: if you’re the source of all evil, what role does Satan really play? Is he, like, your “beard”?
wow, you’re pretty dumb, huh Anne?
shutup, Ben!
Very existential, ben.
Shut up?
And yes, Anne is dumb.
Can’t even spell ‘fairy’ correctly.
played out last night.
not much of a crowd, maybe 50 people. whatever, it’s a thursday…in a bar attached to a bowling alley. ha! so we’re sandwiched between two blast-beat death metal bands that use “nu-metal” vocals. pure gutteral gibberish. they don’t like anything else. everything else is pussy. halfway through our set, the drummer from one of those bands is standing off stage giving us the cut signal. telling us we suck. wtf? i guess i don’t growl menacingly or cliched enough for him. it was funny. the crowd liked us better.
josh, you ever get other people that are assholes for no reason? it’s pretty much standard protocol to offer other performers support and professional courtesy, isn’t it?
I hope you didn’t cry like you’ve been known to do, Cracka.
i hope you “earned” enough money to buy another massive dildo.
I have plenty of dildos. I prefer vibrators though.
easier to find when they are absorbed into the mysterious void? just follow the faint humming sound. there it is! a whole pile of them! we could sell these! to buy—um—more vibrators!!!
step 3-profit.
No, they just feel exquisite.
A local radio station did a bit on a Minnesotaon garage band that weeps when they’re onstage. Was that your band, Cracka?
nope…hmm…weeps, eh? sounds pretentious enough to be from here.
I think “weeps” sounds nicer than “they cry like fucking babies”.
There is a game on Facebook that is completely addictive and will be the death of me.
yeah, weeping sounds meaningful and soulful and introspective. even though we know it’s just for pussies like ben. who better be shutting up right now if he knows what’s good for him.
Nun - What’s the game? Link?
cracka,
there are always comics who tare down other comics, but usually it’s in private. very rarely does it happen at a gig.
so what did you do to the pussy giving you the cut signal? I am sure his band went up b4 he did this or else he’s a pussy and stupid.
one more thing cracka,
if a comic does try to tare down another comic at a gig, it’s war. Like if they were giving one comic the cut sign he would say something from stage like and call them on it.
this of course all goes out the window if you’re doing a black room. the comics there try to build themselves up by ripping the other comics apart. never happened to me, but I have seen it many times.
My Heroes Ability, Ben. It’s a Facebook App so I don’t know if there’s a link to send.
what is your ability Nun? (If I were cracka I’d say something about a whore)
here’s a video of cracka getting tazered.
http://vimeo.com/4273363
here’s a video showing how sensitive comics are about their jokes
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rO5_1cs4j84
My abilities are Precognition and Telepathy, Josh. Those junkies are bad-ass fuckers who throw bottles at me and make me cry. Fuckers!
I think that guy’s penis was embarrassed to be seen with him but alas, that was not Cracka, Josh. Cracka’s penis is even smaller than that guy’s and not visible with the naked eye.
I fucking hate cops though.
Fucking Aiden the Politician just confused me and I wasn’t even fighting him!!
DAMN IT!!! 
Now I can’t punch anybody because I’m too confused. Mother-Fucker!! 
josh-455-
most disgusting male crotch i have ever witnessed. and i used to work out at the ymca.
i should have assaulted the guy with my mic stand. his band was playing next. to an empty room.
If his band played next, Cracka then he probably saw the crowd leaving in droves during your set and wanted an audience when they finally got onstage.
ooooooh…nun just told me i suck.
they brought no one with them was my point, the crowd was mostly friends of a couple of bands and a few drunks that wandered in. so they were playing to maybe 30 people who didn’t care about them. it was a strange behavior to engage in. high risk. low reward. they alienated three other bands that draw better crowds than they do. the guy just burnt a bridge for no reason. weird.
so, it’s just the three of us today. with nothing funny to say? that’s a shame. kinda miss smoggy right about now. wonder what curtis is having for lunch?
fondue? (sniffle, sniffle) basically (single tear)
there i go gettin’ all weepy again. what a fag.
Fucking fag.
I miss Dr. Herbman. That dude was funny cause he only spoke Engrish.
The Brazilians have shown no loyalty and devotion to God. He should smite them.
yeah, they suck. we’re the only truly faithful ones.
Nun,
didn’t he already smite them by making them brazillian?
maybe He smote us by giving us nothing better to do than check the comments on His Divine Blog 20 times a day.
I have better things to do but fucking politicians keep making me confused and then I can’t punch any-fucking-body!! GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!!
Josh,
He did but He should smite them again. God specializes in multiple smites. I do miss Him even though I know He’s busy with His God duties.
Miss ME? I’m right here. I’m also inside you, at all times.
God said: “I’m also inside you, at all times.”
I always thought that was just a dream. You’re exceptionally good, God. And huge too. Divinely Huge.
i thought nun’s dildo just broke off in there…
uncomfortable hunk of penis…up my ass…for years…
God has the biggest penis of all time.
My Penis is inside everyone at all times.
There is a new Brazilian, Wazup, who has been pestering Me on several posts, most recently on My questions page.
There was also a factory worker named Brian who posted some idiotic musings on the About page and the Asia post this morning.
Please do everything you can to make these people feel unwelcome.
Wazup seems to like You, God. Are You saying that You’d like us to make him cry?
Make them all cry.
As You command, Sir.
However, I must admit to some mortal confusion. I thought You wanted new followers. If we make them cry, won’t that make them go away?
God, I just asked several trees who would know. Your penis is NOT inside me!
Denial won’t make it not true, Anne. I’m sorry.
Gross
*reaches for laudanum*
You know, I really want to follow God’s Divine Will but He’s spent so much effort trying to get publicity for His Divine Blog and if we’re mean and make them cry when they start posting here… it just seems to me that they’ll leave and then He’ll have lost His followers. I think we should be nice to newbies and when they’re comfortable, then we make them cry.
I just prefer to be consistently mean, when
I’m not looped on opiates and inexplicably happy.
I’m never happy. God smited me with life and then He made me love The X-Files which has put me in a fanbase filled with crazies.
He works in mysterious ways.
*swigs the laudanum*
Nun, you should try laudanum.
I’m seeing how many times I can use
the word laudanum.
Spring-time laudanum is nice.
Yes, Nun, thanks for being so nice to me as a newbie this week. Anne, too, has been welcoming. The rest of you ass-wipes — FUCK YOU ALL!!! Have a nice weekend, everyone.
P.S. Actually, Yo Yo should only get a 75% FUCK YOU because he is 25% Canuckian and that makes him 25% A-OK in my books.
Why don’t people comment here? CUZ WE ARE FVCKIN BRUTAL, pukes! Every one of us is literate and witty (except ben), every one of us is good-looking (except Hume), and every one of us loves the Lord God (except Anne and Lilith, and maybe Mop Room Fairy, but who cares about that dud?).
Hume, we can all tell when you’ve been at the laudanum. You drink it and it pours right out your hollow bony rib cage. Fuckin waste of good drugs.
Oh, do I grab a quickening, or go plant my tomatoes?
Anne,
you try to be brutal, but it’s just not in you. You try so hard, it’s like watching Ben work on his rubik’s cube. you want him to get it, but he’s a fucking retard and he tries to make one side potato.
Tomatoes win. Gotta get those giant salmon heads out of the refrigerator and into the ground before Mr. J reaches for his evening beer.
#494: Okay, just for that …
anne,
jersey tomatoes suck.
one
Out out, damn sac!
one!!@!#@!@3
GOD IS GREAT!
I GET ANOTHER CENTURY QUICKENING! HAHA FUCK YOU TREE-FUCKER ANNE!
Who’s nice now, Bubba? Go explain this one to Mrs. Josh!God,
Please smite Anne’s quickening. She hates You anyway.
MEEEEEE!And I even got interrupted by Teenzilla!Anne rules.GoddroolsIS AWESOME.God always takes my quickenings, nothing new. But WE know the truth, Josh. And you’ll know it too when you reach for the Gold Bond Powder and realize you’ve got nothing to shake it onto.Haha. Sacless-Josh.
ummm Anne and Nun,
I got my sack back two quickenings ago.
I also was given a black baby penis one quickening ago. Right now I have an average white guy penis.
I don’t think God specified the color of the baby penis He gave you, Josh. Quit your wicked black lies!!
I wonder how God determines when to uncensor His Holy Blog. He uses Universal Mortal Time on His Blog but it’s obvious that most of us are not in the Universal time zone.
Jersey tomatoes don’t suck. One thing about this fucked-up state: where there’s no asphalt, shit grows pretty good.That’s because the land that Jersey rests on is really shit. Sorry, Anne but your state is nothing but manure.
Looks like Anne got into the laudanum.
Josh is right, though, my dear.
Your ‘brutality’ is like light beer.
Busch league.
Maybe if Josh planted his penis in New Jersey, he’d get a bigger payout.Nun is right.
Jersey sucks Cracka’s ass.
God,
Why do You have such a Divine Hard-on for a retarded Negro-chink? Or is it really that You despise Anne with the white hot intensity of a million God-suns?
God is
lurking.GREAT!Okay, God, go ahead and give out bonus bogus boners. Mr. Johnson doesn’t need a quickening. But Teenzilla needs her flask. It’s freshman dance night. So I’m gonna go where I’m wanted and needed, you PUKES.BECAUSE TREEFUCKER IS INSOLENT!
heheh… she is pretty insolent. You go with Your Big Angry Self, God.
Good work, Sir.
I sing Your praise, and thanks for blessing
me with this vodka after a long day.
God is good all the time!!!!!!
Nun,
God did not specifically say on His blog what color my penis is, but when I look down it’s black, so I say.
Anne,
Don’t feel bad, you have a hard time being mean. It’s not in your nature.
Help! Help! She’s about to roast me alive! SAVE ME FROM THIS OCCULTIST!
Shut up, kitten.
Fuck you, God. And your faggy son too.
INSOLENTS R US!
Anne should be starring in a Lifetime movie soon.
oh Anne, the more you fight it the more you prove my point.
Anne,
did you watch the lifetime movie about the girl who was a wicca/pagan and got booted out of school for hexing people and sleeping with a mop room fairy?
I just googled lifetime movie and pagan and it popped right up.
I hate the lot of you with the red-hot intensity of a two-slice toaster.
Laudanum.
Awww… Anne’s full of hate just like our Almighty Lord with the giganto penis.
Josh,
God gave you a rotten penis ravaged by gangrene. That’s why it looks black. Bummer dude.
God,
Why is this censored?? It’s the mortal weekend, God.
Nun,
please don’t confuse my penis with that gnarled piece of beef jerky you were fucking the other night. and no, Tyreek will not call you back.
Jerky-penis-FACE!
holy shit! Bea Arthur is dead!!!! That’s 2 Golden Girls down and two left before God has them all!!!!
it’s a sad day on earth
I plan on taking advantage of a forlorn Betty White.
Betty likes laudanum.
God un-censored the missionary Sims but left the woman on top Sims censored. God, you’re a homo. All you want is to see that guy thrusting — into what, you don’t really care.
Everyone has AIDS.
AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS.
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