In this monthly feature, The Almighty first answers a few of the many questions He has recently received. Afterwards, mortals will be given the awesome opportunity to ask God one question. If The Lord is feeling generous, He may actually answer.
QUESTION #1:
God’s kid: God, Was it your will for us to abstain? Then why am I so horny all the time? This is so confusing. I’m sorry but I think I will fornicate with my boyfriend whether you like it or not, you can watch.
GOD: No, of course not you idiot! It is My Will that man and woman fuck constantly. I will watch, but not because I want to, because I have to.
QUESTION #2:
Naytheist: God, what do you think of Jehova’s Witnesses? Surely you must hate them, as they are conscientious objectors. These heretics refuse to kill and be killed in senseless wars like good godfearing Christians.
GOD: They suck! They’re annoying, they make people hate Me, and yes, they’re a bunch of pacifist pussies. They’re giving Me a bad name.
I also don’t like that they call themselves witnesses for Me. They make it sound like I’m on trial. I’m not the one on trial here - you people are!
QUESTION #3:
anne johnson:Dear God,Have you ever lusted in Your heart for a mortal woman other than the Virgin Mary?
GOD: First off, I never lusted for Mary, ok? I just used her as a cum dumpster so she could birth a kid. And yes, I long to fuck mortal woman all the time, and then I fuck them. When I have this feeling, it’s not called lust though, it’s called Divine Cock Hunger.
QUESTION #4:
The L Woman:Dear Lord, Which of your creations you consider it as the best? And which of them do you think you tottaly failed?
GOD: I think I did pretty well with the dog. Now there’s a loyal animal. Perfect for worshiping Me. Dogs are all devout Christians/Jews. I did not fail with any of My Creations. They all live and die.
QUESTION #5:
rod: Dear God,Was Nietzsche right when he said you were dead? What do you think about him? Thanks.
GOD: No, obviously not. How the hell would you be able to ask Me a question if I was dead? Fucking moron.
QUESTION #6:
okijohn: Dear God,If a coworker gets into, “some bad shit,” and has to get his “bore punched,” is it still ok to taunt him, or should he get a pass for having to deal with the whole VD thing?
GOD: OF COURSE YOU SHOULD TAUNT HIM! That is the least you can do. You should tell everyone you meet about his condition, and take turns hurling stones at his nuts. This is the punishment for promiscuity.
QUESTION #7:
Wazup: God, Why did you create Hanna Montana? Better: Why did you create Miley Cyrus?
GOD: Hello? Because she’s awesome? I needed someone to make music I could really get down to.
QUESTION #8:
Josh: God, Why is it that when white people move into a neighborhood they always say they are making is better or saving it?
GOD: Because they are.
CARIDAD on 
Naytheist on 
Daily updated photo galleries of erotic nude girls and the hottest nude models. Home to the most beautiful young women and the biggest and best erotic art site on the web. Whether you like photos of young nude teens that are totally shaved, or older wome on 
Travis on 
Fuck that trash on 
Sir, I would agree heartily about the dog being perfect.
You put a dog and a woman in the trunk for 3 hours
and the dog is still glad to see you.
Anyhoo, I guess I’m just curious about Rastas.
When they enjoy their chiba, why do they refer
to You as Jah?
“Because they are.”
daaaaaaaaaaaaamn right we are.
stupid ching chong durrrrrrrr
HA!
Dear God,
Unlike the former tenant of the Whitey House, that Obama dude doesn’t do a photo-op at some church every Sunday.
Is it OK for us to honor and obey You in our own private ways, and not participate in the traditional public displays of faith?
Quietly Believing,
Tony
Are Tony Snow and catmantoad the same poster? Man! That sucks!!
is that true catmantoad? are you Tony Snow or is your name also just Tony?
I am one with Tony Snow
And Baal
it’s an unholy trinity.
Freshly returned from the Fairy Festival, just in time to see God call the Blessed Mother a “cum dumpster.” It will please You to know, Dumb Deity, that some of your most mentally challenged followers protested the festival with megaphones. Dumbest fucks on the planet.
they used megaphones to voice their ignorant, fraudulent opinion that their medieval superstition is morally superior to your medieval superstition? were any of them coyly grinning like they got the irony and this was all a big joke???
no coy grins, just stupid fuckers who let their medieval superstitions stand in the way of watching sexy women bellydance. NO HUME I DID NOT DANCE, SO DON’T FUCKIN COMMENT ON MY GEEZERNESS.
Nun … Josh … Jew … some of my antics are on my Facebook profile. I guess God could look too, but he might get Jealous, cuz our leaders dress better than His.
Baal and catmantoad are so cool and Tony Snow is… well… Tony Snow. Too bad you pulled a ben and showed your more lame side, Mr. Unholy Trinity guy.
Hannah Montana? That’s pressing the boundaries of taste and/or human endurance, God. Maybe if you dressed her in a fairie costume so we’d all be in on the joke, but not the way she’s been marketed. Even ol’ Walt Disney had his limits.
God liking Hannah Montana and Miley Cyrus makes Him the biggest fag of all fag-time.
God may be 6000 years old chronologically, but he’s 11 mentally. And a fag to boot.
DAMN YOU PEOPLE!! I WAS TESTING YOUR FAITH IN ME, AND YOU ALL FUCKING FAILED!!
OF COURSE I HATE HANNAH MONTANA!! HOW DARE YOU BELIEVE I LIKE HER MUSIC EVEN FOR A SECOND, EVEN IF I SAID I DO!!
DAMN YOU!! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!!!
I’m still down with dressing her in a fairy suit, though.
God’s pissed because His followers didn’t know when He was kidding. Some things never change. Watch out because now He’ll probably smite the Earth and drown us all or something.
Of course Anne was unable to dance
at her idiot festival.
She spilled soy milk on the phish tape
and her artificial hip was bothering her
because of the humidity.
She decided to get high and freaked out,
running to the nearest 7-11 for beef jerky,
a 40 ounce Schlitz,
and US magazine.
I never doubted you for a second Lord.
We honored the dead, Hume. I was careful to name you as an exception.
ben never doubted God because ben loves Hanna Montana too.
tell us more about your festival, johnson. i feel a strong need to mock something today.
you capitalize for hanna montana but not for ben?
i didn’t know he had lower levels to achieve. i thought he hit bottom a long time ago. then johnson comes along with her magic fairy dust and bam! ben is lamer than the disney channel.
Cracka, picture this:
A bunch of tattooed fatties in flowing Guatemalan clothes,
smelling like low tide and sweat,
chanting nonsense and drinking
stale rain water out of plastic “canteens.”
The rain water, of course, gives them
the runs, which ruins the Gaia “ceremony.”
Among them, not a single person
making over $25K a year, or driving
a car made in the last 10 years.
Also, there’s a bunch of crappy jewelry for sale
and plenty of dogs named ‘Kaya.’
Am I close, Anne?
Although, seeing fat women
wearing fairy wings is pretty funny.
It’s like: don’t you need bigger wings?
couldn’t afford a hang glider, huh? poor fat fucks.
that hannah cuntana looks awful when she doesn’t have makeup on. i seen her in this one magazine in the supermarket, holy shit does she look bad.
fuck you anne!
hey God, how long till we can expect this cartoon You’re making to be finished? I’m interested in seeing that.
you should focus more on shutting up.
be interested in that.
dude….i’m not gonna shutup anymore. i’m fucking talking if i feels like it.
talk talk talk talk talkity talk talk talk
that’s called “typing”, dipshit, not “talking.”
these are called “unnecessary quotes”
“”
its seems like everyone here got sick of each other.
it’s about fucking time!
i thought we started out that way.
it’s funny how people can meet on a random blog like this and get to know each other kinda.
why do we come here? what are we looking for?
i always liked the insane insults and the imagination of people just going along with the idea that this is really God.
what if it is?
sometimes people forget that it’s all jokes. i wonder why that happens. it happened to me. it’s happened to everyone here. i think it all just depends on how you were feeling on that particular day.
i think it depends on whether or not you’re retarded.
happy stinko de mayo, fags!!!
so that means you’re retarded.
yeah, happy fake-Mexican day.
I have never once forgotten that we’re joking, mocking, taking cruel swipes at one another. If we stop doing that and start getting all touchy-feely, I’m so fuckin outta here.
now that your blog has died God, can you tell us who you actually are and where you are from?
i would also like to know which one of us fucknuts was actually Bridgete. no way that bitch was real.
thanks.
i agree with what the treefucking pagan whore said.
Now, Cracka, to answer your question.
These days it’s hip to be Pagan, so fairy festivals abound in sexy dudes and cute young chicks, dressed (if dressed at all) in clingy costumes. The festivities include drum circles, where the dudes pound out rhythms and the chicks dance in extremely erotic ways. May Day is a fertility festival, so the intensely fertile of our species use it as an opportunity to recruit partners.
In short, Carka my dear, you might not sneer so loudly if you got a glimpse.
ben, did I ask for your agreement? And who says God has died? I didn’t see his fuckin obituary.
*Anne channels her inner Nun*
I.AM.NOT.A.WHORE.
RIP Dom Deluise.
Shut the fuck up, ben. And not everybody has forgotten that this place is for sarcastic mockery. Only the retarded fags forgot.
And God is God. He’s obviously busy smiting the shit out of humanity. And who knows what else He’s got going on. Maybe Galacticus ate another really cool planet. Or maybe God’s on another Divine Bender. Or maybe He’s fucking a bunch of hot mortal chicks. Stop asking Him stupid fucking questions.
Anne said: “In short, Carka my dear…”
heh… Carka. Funny typo.
Ben = fag.
Anne = liar.
They were all fat, Anne, and you know it.
Drum circles are fun for about 5 minutes.
Then, you’re ready get the fuck outta there,
kinda like when Mr. Johnson is drunk and randy.
Also, Ben, quit pontificating and shut up.
CARKA wasn’t a typo, she was harkening back to herbman days.
johnson, hot chicks dancing naked is great. but it doesn’t make believing in fairies and unicorns any less stupid.
ben, are you saying dom deluise was God?
i’m afraid hume’s right about drum circles. if fuckin’ dave lombardo ain’t playin’ you’re gonna need other intruments.
there can be only one half!!!
in-truments?
what am i, retarded?
(don’t answer that)
# 39: Sounds like someone needs a group hug!
XOXOXOXOXOX
i heart you all so much i could just shit.
in fact i just did…ben, get over here!
My nipples are exploding with delight!
that’s not delight, yoyo, your man-boobs are lactating!
really carka? no foolin? ok!!! i thought you’d never ask!!!
SMOOOCH!!
finger my but.
don’t kiss it, dumbass. scoop up the mess and make poopsicles. later, we’ll drive by nun’s corner and throw slightly thawed poopballs at her.
do i have to explain everything to you?!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4YBxeDN4tbk
HOLY SHIT
Go ahead and finger ben’s but, Cracka. Just don’t touch his and or his so. Only a fag would finger someone’s or.
And yes! I was channeling my inner Lerbwoman when I called him Carka. I just think that’s as cute as a baby unicorn.
Ben, save some poopballs for that putz in the video.
Guantenteed.
Please don’t tell Mum I’m a blogger, she thinks I play piano in a whorehouse.
it took him 25 years to come up with the worst business card in the world.
It’s possible to be a blogger and play the piano in a whorehouse. Don’t ask me how I know this.
One or another of the local whorehouses out here are always advertising for a cook or bartender, but never for a piano player or a blogger. Times are tough for live musicians everywhere.
I wonder what they serve at the whorehouse. Spotted Dick? Tube steaks? Raw oysters?
#65: You use one hand for each task?
clear out your cache everybody. i’m back as the gangster hamster.
hahhaa. sixty-niiiine.
Poor, innocent Yo. They serve Strawberry Cheesecake, Cleveland Steamers and Chili Dogs, Yo.
#72 - and lots of whipped cream.
if anyone would know what they serve at whorehouse it would be nun.
because she is a whore.
hey Nun, you’re a whore, how much would it cost for me to stick that?
or for carka or joshe?
Nun. Is. Not. A. Whore!
There - I thought I’d shake things up a bit.
Unicorns and faeries are cool and real.
I. AM. NOT. A. WHORE!!!
Damn you all!! 
But if I was a whore… Josh could have it for free just as long as he brings along that afro-penis-of-power that he stole from that poor hapless black man. Cracka is unfuckable as he has no penis but if he did, I’d give him one freebie because I set aside a part of my heart for pity for the dickless ones. There is no amount of money that would get ben anywhere near my precious vajayjay… he’d get his ben disease on it and then my pussy would be stupid.
nun’s vagina is smart. it has a Ph.D.—Pimp-n-Hoes Degree.
I, Lilith, Scourge of God and Man, have returned. I must say, you’re all sounding very tired and desultory in this post’s comments. Are you showing the first symptoms of swine flu or what?
nun’s vagina thinks it’s smart…not smart enough to not shit where it eats, though.
one hole swallows dicks, the digested dick remains are shit out of the same hole…sometimes while it simeltaneously swallows a new dick. not amazed? try shitting and eating at the same time. we’ll wait for you.
.
.
.
.
.
not so easy is it?
I thought Cracka had regained his penis through quickenings. Did he lose it again?
You’re disgusting, Cracka.
I’m sick, Lilith. God smited me with some mortal disease that I’m sure will end up being the death of me. Thanks a lot, God.
” try shitting and eating at the same time”
Can I get a blumpy at Blimpie’s?
Nun, you need to go down to the Free Thinkers Pharmacy and get some Smite-B-Gone.
Nun needs some long hits from the Get Well bong.
God bless us everyone.
“You’re disgusting, Cracka”
it’s kind of my schtick. you thought the joke was over? no. it’s not over until i take it too far.
i’m also sick. not with the swine flu, but because of it. you see, every stupid fucking twit with a cold came rushing into the clinic to get tested for the flu…as if we were going to lifeflight them to some secret government facility to be treated with experimental anti-virals if they came back positive. of course, all these assholes did was cough and sneeze all over each other spreading germs everywhere. hey, stupid people! if you’re reading this—FUCK YOU.
The compassion of the healthcare profession brings a tear to my eye (*sniff*).
You know, the swine flu is the first sign of the aporkalypse. (I bow to whoever came up with that joke).
Tired and desultory? Not me!
Good attempts, Hume, but in order to chase me away you would have to make everyone here touchy-feely, including God. Fat fuckin chance of that happening.
But I will graciously accept your acknowledgment of unicorns and faeries.
it’s all about compassion here, lily.
well, that and tolerating idiotic questions from ignoramuses who are unaware of their own ignorance. am i going to die? hopefully. let’s just confiscate your reproductive organs until that day, okay?
#87: I feel your pain, Cracka. Flu is like strep. When you’ve got it, you know it. If you’re not some brain-dead retard who can’t tell a common cold from an STD.
Hey gals! Let’s steal Cracka’s quickening! Help me out here! God’s not around to cook the comments, so let’s just make ol’ Carka’s day just a wee bit worse.
… wee bit …
Clap if you believe in faeries!
all right, now spread…this won’t hurt at all.
on second thought, you’ll probably pass out from the pain. don’t worry, that’s just your brain protecting you from reality…a lot like your belief in god. there, now your stupidity will die with you…
Clap if you believe in clap.
i’m going to lunch now.
you can have it, johnson.
stupid pagan cunt.
ben, I don’t hear you clapping, and I know you’ve got clap.
#91 — Yes, I’m hopeful you’re going to die someday too, cracka.
one?
Hey Carka: Don’t forget to wash your hands before you eat!
hahahaha!!!
once again, johnson fails.
does life imitate blog?
or does blog imitate life?
FUCKKKK! He didn’t even need God’s help!
lily-99
that makes two of us.
johnson usually fails because God cheats. But not this time. You won it fair and square, virus bag.
Pagans are fair-minded, which is an inherent disadvantage, alas.
104: Cracka, if you die with no belief system, you go to hell. God has an exclusive contract for all atheists. Better get jiggy with the faeries while there’s still time.
I wonder if God is creating a wicked-cool new planet to put all us non-Mexicans on.
And jiggy with the unicorns too!
Someone’s gonna walk into the Greater Minneapolis Women’s Clinic with a real case of swine flu, next thing Cracka knows, he’s being butt-probed by horny demons wearing yellow smiley face masks.
#108: I’ll stay here with the Mexicans. Such nice people.
I’m going to smuggle my burro onto the wicked-cool new white person’s planet.
Hey Nun, if you play your cards right and get there early, you and the burro could end up running the whole planet. Just think what you could do with that kind of power!
Not to mention WHO you could do!
nun, you won’t have to smuggle him. we need someone to clean up after us and lawnscape and make fajitas. we will just more carefully monitor their reproduction rates this time.
johnson, i have a belief system. but it is designed to exclude delusions.
i got it! only male mexicans. they can get all gay with each other and not make more mexicans! we will breed those clone-style. bunch of homo-tinos to scrub our bathrooms. genius.
i should get a macarthur grant for this shit.
Yeah, you deserve to get something, all right.
you deserve to exist at least. but, nooooooo, you’re just a myth. poor lily. life’s not fair! life’s not lileth’s fair, either!
(i don’t even know what that means)
Good, that makes two of us! Ha ha.
Sorry, Nun, but burro would have to stay. And you would miss him. It’s no fun being on another planet without your burro.
Cracka, you’ve got a full-blown delusion. It’s called the Vikings winning a Super Bowl.
and johnson should know.
she lives on the imaginary fairy planet with her unicorn…not a burro in sight.
there’s not a true vikings fan in the world who believes the purple will ever win the super bowl.
hey crorka,
how do you feel about the fact that my team’s old QB is gonna be your team’s new old QB?
Burro belongs to Nun! I make no claim. As for the fairies, I belong to them, not the other way around.
ben, not that I give a shit, but I liked the other rodent gravatar better.
i bet you do - this one kills for GOD.
and he’s fucking strapped!
how do i feel about it?
it’s like this: if he wins a SB here i will be ecstatic. if he fails here it will reinforce my hatred for him. if he plays here at all green bay fans will be forced to boo him. i hate packer fans more than i hate al qaeda.
ben is hilarious.
so is anne.
pretty, too.
Do you hate them with the intensity of a dozen sun lamps?
Thanks Hume!
Holy crap–does all this talk about other planets mean the damned Mormons are RIGHT?
I’ll have to be kinder next time they come to the door. 
No Jim - keep meeting them at the door naked.
the mormons are right about one thing:
there is absolutely nothing tempting or exciting about salt lake city, utah.
look at what yoyo did:
http://pressherald.mainetoday.com/story.php?id=254850&ac=PHnws
what a fag.
goodness gracious!
at least he’s not black.
What an asshole! You want we should form a posse?
that is intolerable. kick his ass. a grown man who hits a woman or child deserves the worst.
The black one that she spawned with never laid a hand on her. Fucking honky’s got another thing coming to him when he sees me coming.
you should burn his fucking house down and kill his wife and kids. that’ll show’im.
supported.
Errr, supported for # 142 and 143.
you should tell her ex. unless he’s completely fucked up, he would never allow another man to hit the mother of his children without paying for it in form of a physical beating. then, when he’s softened up, you can take your turn beating on him.
I won’t tell the ex… he’s black and will go to prison. I’m a white female and will just go to jail. If I don’t show up for awhile… I’m in jail.
yoyo, you don’t support arson and homocide?
aw man! i got all excited for a second. dammit.
He probably doesn’t support ben’s idiocy,Cracka. The sad thing is, he does have a wife back in Minnesota with a brand new baby girl. He also has kids here but has he seen them? No, he’s too busy beating on my sister and being a bad influence on my niece and nephews. I’m gonna kill the fucker.
hmm…i guess you’re right.
at any rate, she needs to get out of that relationship.
do they have one of these organizations where she lives?
cornerstonemn.org
(plug for the wife’s employer, which is a worthy non-profit organization and accepts tax deductible donations)
http://www.cornerstonemn.org/
as a cracka, the only thing i hate more than women is the men who beat them.
Nun, after you’ve kicked his ass, go kick your family’s ass until they agree to keep him away from your sister. If they take his part, the next time he’ll break her neck.
said
I’ve decided to go all Rambo like and take out my whole family. That makes things easier and makes my life worth living. All hail Rambo Nun!!
Smite the fucker, Nun!
Since I don’t want any crackas at my door, I’ll send cash.
The only thing I hate more than men who beat women up is … oh, I dunno … tsunamis?
My mother once nearly killed my dad and threatened to kill me. They put her in the loony bin, where she declared she would finish the job when they let her out. They kept her longer. Then they let her out.
I guess some people wondered why I was laughing at her funeral. But not many. I grew up in a small town. They all knew Mama.
The point of this, Nun, is that your sis’s attacker might be loony, maybe you could slap him in the bin.
Some people shouldn’t allowed to breed.
He hits women, and is possibly a Religiot.
Of course he’s loony!
He’s not a religiot, Yo. He’s simply a hoodlum.
He’s white. That’s why the religiots like him.
What’s funny is you guys probably think I’m kidding about fucking the mother-fucker up. I’m deadly serious, you don’t know how crazy I can get. Ask my burro.
i believe you for some reason.
i’d fuck up anyone who hit my sister, too.
I got mugged once. I got crazy belligerent with the fuckers and they didn’t get my money. Basically, natural carnage makes me panic and man-made carnage makes me rage.
Go forth and slay as ye must.
False alarm… my sister is the same lying cow she’s always been. I hate my family.
God still loves you.
eh….go and slay away anyway.
God hates me. That’s why He cursed me with this fucking family.
eh….just smoke a blunt, let go of your family and love something deserving of your love and worry.
False alarm? Your sister better watch her drama before someone takes her seriously.
Or worse, she better stop crying wolf, or no one will believe her when she needs help.
My sister pulls shit like this. She’s a fucking liar who loves to be the center of attention. This time it fucking backfired on her.
like me!
My sister is also big and fat and shaped like sasquatch.
For just this once, I’m gonna agree with ben. Hang with burro and tell everyone you were raised in an orphanage and have no family.
for just this once, i’m going to accept agreeing with anne aboot something. disconnecting from the crazy miserable people makes your life much better.
Funny thing… the radio station had a call-in question last week… who in your family would you trade in. I said my sister and my burro said I should trade in the whole damned bunch of them. Honestly, I don’t know where I came from.
Get even. Write to Dr. Phil about her. He’ll come with his crew and film her, making her look ten times worse than she really is.
I should go kick my sister’s fat ass but I fear she’d sit on me.
At any time during her life, I would have traded my mother for a rattlesnake. I decorate her grave with cacti.
Ben, why have you changed your picture from the flaming brown paper bag on your head to a hamster? Is there some deeper spiritual significance to this? Or is it just a mental health issue?
Sorry, not a hamster — a prairie dog.
mental health issue.
I love The X-Files. No matter how fucked up Scully and Mulder’s fake lives are, they never lie about beating each other up. Scully did break Mulder’s jaw once. Scully can kick ass.
Nun, as soon as my daughter Train Wreck gets home from college, we’re gonna start watching X-Files. We’re both X-Files virgins. We’ll start with Season 1, episode 1.
Teenzilla won’t join us, I’m sure. She only watches the mirror.
Whoa. Getting close to another quickening! Where’s Carka? Probably out pillaging with the rest of the Vikings fan base.
Teenzilla might actually enjoy The X-Files. The first season is a little slow in my opinion, Anne. Stick with it, it gets so much better. Especially after Gillian Anderson got pregnant and they had to write in Scully’s abduction.
I just got two new tires and a transmission service at the Vo-Tech for $170. No labor costs, no taxes! Yowza!
X would scare Teenzilla. Certain of it.
Maybe it’s the beer talking Cracka but you got a butt that won’t quit….
they got those big chewy pretzels here merJanthfgrr five dollars??!!!? get outta here
Go for it, Ben!!
I meant “Go for Cracka’s butt” not the big chewy pretzels, but what the hell — go for both!
Where’s Herbman and L Woman?
They stole my laudanum.
I will find them.
Forget Herbman, where’s Bloodvork? Smoggy must have been trampled in an orgy that turned into a stampede.
Eh…people come, people go. Who needs’em?
I like Bloodvork too. I also feel sorry for him… he has to work with ben.
so that’s why he called out sick today….
That’s why he calls out sick every day, ben. You’re a real chore to be around.
Where’s your friend, Wazup? It must have been nice to have somebody here that was more retarded than you are.
WHORE!
Holy Over Reaction, Benman!
I know why Ben is angry today.
Ben, some advice: The words “My” “Rash” “See” and “Wanna” don’t go well together in a sentence.
ben is upset because they looked at his rash, took a picture and then placed said picture of ben’s hideous and rash-infested penis on the company bulletin board. Poor ben.
The picture just got chosen for the 2009 edition of Sexually Transmitted Diseases: A Physician’s Diagnostic Encyclopedia.
Poor ben and his hideously deformed penis.
Nun, do you think Josh is pissed at God?
Why would he be, Anne? Because he’s a retarded ching-chong with a tiny Asian penis when he isn’t sportin’ his stolen afro-penis?
I don’t know how the Afros keep their penises when so many Asians and white people try to steal them.
Look at Cracka. Goes to the YMCA every afternoon and hangs out in the locker room, looking for something to grab. Dudes there all think he’s a fag. Little do they know…
… he’s trying to pinch a pecker!
Anne - #216,
Because they’re black. Black people will kill you just for looking at them. I always gets ascared when I see a black man comin’. Then I fuck him and all is good with the world.
That’s genuinely funny.
Don’t mock my reality, Hume!!
#216: Yeah, that was a retarded comment. I’ve never met a man of any race who wouldn’t risk his life to save his package.
So, Nun. If you were to give advice to X-Files virgins, would it be to start right at the very beginning, or leap in a little further along the line?
If you’re going to watch every episode then yes, Anne. I’ve always found the first season to not be as enjoyable as the rest but others do not share my opinion. If you’re going to watch every episode then you should watch from the beginning to see the character development. The first season is also important in regards to Scully’s character. Scully got majorly fucked up because of her work on the x-files and the first season shows her when she was young and innocent. You also might get a chuckle because of her wardrobe.
I know back in the day a lot of my friends watched X-Files. But during that time Mr. Johnson and I were too busy fucking to watch t.v. Except for football (him) and WWF (me).
I love The X-Files. I could go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on. I always liked the way Scully was more physically adept at taking down suspects than Mulder was. Mulder’s tall and gets his ass kicked. Scully’s tiny and kicks ass.
I used to watch wrestling when it was funny. I was living in Detroit, and everyone watched WWF. We used to go to Joe Louis Arena and see the live shows.
Train Wreck will be home next week, so we’ll start watching. Gotta warn you, though. Train Wreck is a David Lynch snob. She can recite lines from Twin Peaks. She’s like the log lady, only she doesn’t carry a log. She’s watched Inland Empire about six times.
I don’t know how I spawned two girl children who are so fuckin different. At least they don’t fight over each others’ clothes.
Your David Lynch snob might enjoy The X-Files. Just tell her that the cross-dressing cop from Twin Peaks is Agent Mulder.
I bet Nun has nice Twin Peaks.
I bet Anne has average calderas.
I’ll bet Hume’s package would give a whole new meaning to “snail mail.”
#228: THAT’LL DO IT!
Hey, Nun, Train Wreck says that a lot of kids at her college are watching this new British show called “Torchwood.” They say it’s very similar to X-Files.
Tonight Teenzilla’s gonna spend 3 hours getting ready to go to the prom in a gooey gown. Train Wreck has reserved an auditorium with a big screen so all her friends can watch “Blue Velvet.”
Okay, what the FVCK! I have more in common with my cats!
you shit in a box and have a barbed tongue?
Hume is right about my twin peaks… they’re pretty fucking great. I wish I had a better ass though.
Anne,
I can’t tell you how many David Duchovny fans really get off on seeing him in a dress… it cracks me up.
I’ve heard about Torchwood and I’ve also been told to watch Fringe. I don’t though… I just don’t watch the major networks’ programming. I’ve been watching PBS’ Create channel recently. I love Bob Ross and his happy little trees with their little friends. My son’s been watching it with me which kind of surprises me. I would think he’d be bored with cooking shows and the like but he told me that since he’s the man of the house, he should learn how to cook. I thought that was pretty fucking cute.
God,
Thank You for making my kid catch that fly ball last night. I even thanked You when he caught it. Did You hear me?? I had started to worry that my kid was still a loser who was now surrounded by winners which made him look even more like a loser than when he was surrounded by losers. I had started to beat him severely on a nightly basis for his loser qualities in addition to withholding my love from him. I was able to love my kid last night, Lord… all thanks to You and Your Wonderous Ways. Thanks, God!!
go to the underpass in whatever shady part of whatever town you live in. give $100 to the “doctor” there. he will suck the fat from your disgusting stomach and inject it into your ass. that should plump it up some. or, you could try exercise…which i do NOT recommend.
There is not enough fat in my gut to build me an ass. I almost wish there was.
Don’t cry, Cracka. He wouldn’t have helped your team anyway except to bring up the number of their interceptions and chances are, he’ll do enough crying for everybody when he makes his public announcement.
http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/blog/shutdown_corner/post/So-now-Brett-Favre-isn-t-coming-back?urn=nfl,161954
Never trust a Nun.
Never trust a whatever ben is.
Or me either, for that matter.
i hate bert favor anyway. it’s easier this way. for me, it would be like rooting for the cigarette smoking man. just doesn’t fit.
single greatest play in the history of the vikings:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5dmqGg6Ccvw&feature=PlayList&p=60A10D0B8CED8C70&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=16
i was watching it with packer fans. i rubbed my ass on one of their ray nitschke jerseys.
beautiful.
I trust you, Hume. You like The X-Files which means you can’t be all bad.
Cracka,
Some people believe that Cigarette Smoking Man is the father of Scully’s child. As big of an idiot as you are, I don’t think you’re that idiotic.
We have to have a meeting today explaining why everybody is taking a pay-cut and are now responsible for paying for part of their benefits. I hope none of them shoot us.
i like how your insults and compliments are indistinguishable from one another.
you’re a real whore.
start ‘em off with a joke, nun. a joke about poor people.
I’m drowning in piranhas in the river
man, what a drag.
Poor Hume. His laudanum contact got apprehended in a bust.
Hume: Just eat 10, 725 poppyseed bagels. It works.
Never. trust. a. Nun.
Anne’s family photo:
http://tinyurl.com/annejohnsonfamily
Naah, that’s too tame for me, plus I’m not a Ren Faire geek. But glad you’re back, Josh. There’s a little footage of me doing my fairy thing on my Facebook.
Don’t think I’m fucked up enough to ponder
what she means by this.
Doing her fairy thing?
*vomits all over bed pan*
I think young josh is closer to reality
than we all care to admit.
As family portraits go — disturbing.
THAT. IS. NOT. MY. FAMILY. And who are you to say I’m disturbing when you’re vomiting all over a bed pan? What, are you on a summer cruise or something? DOUBT IT, WANKER.
Teenzilla made a Mother’s Day PowerPoint for me. It’s so cute!
The first slide shows 16 different brands of single malt Scotch and says, “Thanks for the blackouts.”
The second slide shows a bunch of young, nubile people frolicking naked in mud and says, “Guess which one is me?”
The third one shows a pregnancy test kit with negative results and says, “Whew!”
The fourth one says, “Will you give me the money I saved from not buying a card so I can go to the movies?”
The fifth one says, “Happy Mother’s Day. I didn’t mean it when I told you to suck Hitler’s dick.”
Happy Mother’s Day Anne.
Yo mama, Hume.
My son hassled me to mow the fucking lawn on Mother’s Day. My son is no longer a part of the mortal world.
do you hear that? it’s the whimper as God’s blog slowly dies.
Umm Nun, you’re a woman with a vagina. If you can’t get a dude to mow your grass, then maybe your vagina is defective.
isn’t that what i’ve been saying all along?
there isn’t an autoclave in the world with enough power to make nun’s used feminine hygiene products fit for standard waste disposal methods.
Josh,
I don’t use my vagina to get what I want out of men. Quite honestly, I hate it when women operate that way. Besides, I’m an independant female that is more than capable of mowing my own fucking lawn and cutting my own fucking grass.
# 258, Josh, agreement.
I’m on Facebook at work, playing Mafia Wars.
The fun never ends! Woo-hoo!
“there isn’t an autoclave in the world with enough power to make nun’s used feminine hygiene products fit for standard waste disposal methods.”
Pakistan or North Korea may be doing another nuclear bomb test soon, wrap the mess around the device and touch it off before the casing is eroded away.
There’s plenty left for God to hate. I think He will return with more vengeance.
In the meantime, I respectfully recommend Jesus’ General to any of you who don’t already read him. I found this blog in a link from Jesus’ General. No fancy threads there, just true red patriotic religious zealotry.
Nun,
whether you want to admit it or not, you do use your feminine wiles to get what you want out of men, I’ve seen you use your titties on this blog to rally men to your side. Can you honestly say you never used your fish mitten or fun bags to get something from a guy?
sure you can mow your own lawn, and if I wanted to I could suck my own dick. However I’d rather have someone of the opposite sex else do it for me.
Why not ben? He’s a professional.
Ben’s beard itches
Seriously, Josh, you can suck your own dick? Talk about a money-saver!
Money saver? With the right promotion, Josh has a money maker!
Pirates? We’re not pirates, we’re preemptive nautical salvage experts.
Pirates are overrated. Unicorns never hurt anyone.
in a whisper:
that’s because they’re not real.
ummm Anne, that’s exactly why pirates are not overrated and unicorns are. Why type of silly animal has a horn for defense and hasn’t hurt anyone? What a bunch of pussies.
Here’s a steam powered vibrator, for anyone who breaks the regular ones: http://hackaday.com/2009/05/03/steampunk-vibrator/
yeah. if i had some sort of protruding, hard body part coming out of me i’d be penetrating with it all the time…
car trouble. dropped it off at the local, trusted mechanic. he’s hmong or some other form of asian. told me it’s $140. really??!!! not bad. what was wrong with it.
bay-shickry, the car had no manny engine turnips…
what?
yeah, weddy to go wiff the bew bawdy valve queem…
excuse me?
car all set for the brave ribcage capacitor…
huh. stupid asian-speak. josh, you’re a retarded ching chong. can you interpret that for me?
Cracka, it$ going to co$t many dollar$. $orry.
#275: LOL! Not at the car trouble, at poor Cracka’s hornlessness.
i am SOOOO close to transmogrifying from a regular cracka to the rare and elusive horned cracka.
Will the horn project from your forehead? Will you be a unicornocracka?
no.
the horn will be a big penis…from my dimpled crotch area, remember?
yoyo’s forgetful sometimes.
If we gave Cracka wings he’d be a ….. fairycracker!
Footage from the festival I attended. I’m not in it, so no FUPA jokes, thank you very much.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wKuk2OSB8vI
nice fupa.
Fatties with fairy wings.
I knew it.
Get bigger wings, fatties.
Here’s how I picture Cracka in my mind:
He lives in a cold climate, so it takes a lot of calories to keep warm. He also drinks a lot, so it means he eats less. Plus, he plays in a band. Also he’s an atheist, so he works out so he’ll stay alive longer. Added up: Skinny wimp.
Here’s how I picture Hume in my mind:
Drooling smelly retard waiting for a bus, one block north of the bus stop. Added up: Pathetic loser.
Yours truly,
Anne freaking Johnson
God’s out of town. You don’t know how tempted I am to drive this baby right to 300 while He isn’t looking.
Then God’s #1 disciple would be a Pagan. Because I really do believe in fairies. Anyone who thinks Homo sapiens is the best the universe can produce is standing a block past the bus stop with no hope of reaching a destination.
Guess I was right.
Also, didn’t I see a fatty on stilts
doing the running man?
It made me sad.
I do believe in intelligent life besides humans, but I don’t believe in fairies. There would be some sort of evidence besides middle aged over weight white people dressing up like cartoon characters in the woods.
Josh - #265,
To clarify my position, Josh. I don’t use my vagina to get men to mow my lawn or fix my car. But you are correct that I do, on occasion, use my vagina to get what I want out of men. No one has ever complained.
I’d like to point out, Jehovah-1, that although you were the father of Mary’s baby, you were also it’s Grandfather, as you used her mother, Anne, as a “cum-dumpster” as well.
You corn-holing po’bucker! You fucked your own daughter!
DAMN YOU HELLBOUND! DAMN YOU TO HELL!
I would like to state that this is the last Ask God feature I will post. I grow tired of answering these insipid questions. They are idiotic and detract from My Hate.
If you have something to ask, email Me and perhaps I will deign to answer.
Thanks for letting us know, God. So often You only pick one mortal to share Your Divine Information with which leaves the rest of the mortals in the lurch when You decide to drown us all. You see, when mortals claim to speak with You, other mortals think the God-talker is crazy-crazy-crazy and they don’t necessarily pay a lot of attention to what God-talker says You said. In fact, quite often the God-talker is killed in a most painful matter and you have another martyred soul for Your Guf.