Stuff God Hates

Mar 13th, 2009 by God

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Here are My Divine thoughts on a number of recent news stories I was in:

Great Sex, God’s Way - What the fuck?! These dipshits have no idea how I fuck. I love the donkey-punch (I do it almost every time) and this has not been mentioned once in any of their stupid meetings.

Billy Graham | God will never give up on you - Bullshit! I give up on people all the time. If anything, I forsake most people at a young age, usually at around around 5 or 6.

God Is Not Mocked: Madoff and the Limitations of Human Justice - This guy is right. I, The Almighty Lord your God, also lost a couple billion dollars thanks to Bernie Madoff’s ponzi scheme. But I am NEVER MOCKED. I assure you all that Madoff will rot for all eternity in the worst area of hell.

‘God Was With Me:’Young Woman Survives Interstate Plunge - Yes, I was with you, you dumb bitch. I caused you to black out and plunge over that bridge. I wanted to paralyze you from the titties down but My Angel of Car Crashes fucked up.

Salma Hayek: My Breasts Are A Present From God - It’s true. She asked politely, and I rewarded her. And I’m proud of My Work.

God Is Under Attack in America - SO WHAT? I can handle it. Sure, I won’t mind at all if you kill a bunch of butt-fucking atheist blood-suckers, but I don’t need you to do it. I’ll be fine, no matter what. I never appointed this fat turd Glenn Beck as My defender. I’m going to smite the shit out of this prick.

Scientists Locate ‘God Spot’ in Human Brain - Bastard scientists! Now that they have found the spot in the human brain I use to monitor your thoughts, it is only a matter of time before they try to remove it! MOTHERFUCKER!

Tags: God, News, Random

Posted in News

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116 Responses to “God in the News - Random Thoughts”

on 13 Mar 2009 at 3:50 pm1Josh

FIRST!!!!
on 13 Mar 2009 at 3:57 pm2Robot-Ben

God, this may be a dumb question, but have you given up on me?
on 13 Mar 2009 at 4:02 pm3American Psycho

Those are definitely some glorious and juicy titties. Good work M’Lord.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 4:11 pm4Josh

Ben,
Asking if God has given up on you assumes He was ever for you in the first place.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 4:13 pm5God

Thank you disciple Josh. You spare Me the annoyance of actually speaking to ben.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 4:32 pm6Josh

divine FACE!!!!

God,
No need for You to thank a worthless sack-less mortal like me.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 4:33 pm7The L Woman

God,

When I see your creatinons, like Selma Hayek’ titties, I remember how glorious and awesome you are.
I love you God!
And thanks for that pair of beautiful things!
on 13 Mar 2009 at 5:25 pm8Nun Ur Damned Bizness

God gave me massive titties too. Thanks God!!
on 13 Mar 2009 at 5:34 pm9God

You’re all welcome.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 5:42 pm10Bloodvork

God gave me the geneticists that bundled together underneath government funding to surreptitiously create my race of horrid, impotent mammals by means of science.

Also, “God love sex”?

Did Herbman write these ads?
on 13 Mar 2009 at 5:51 pm11Yo Yo Ma Ma

“No need for You to thank a worthless sack-less mortal like me.”

Way to suck up for Divine Post of the Day, Josh!
on 13 Mar 2009 at 5:52 pm12God

That will not be declared a divine post.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 5:53 pm13Yo Yo Ma Ma

God, did the young teacher black out because she was thinking about having sex with one of the 15 year old boys in her classroom?
on 13 Mar 2009 at 5:55 pm14Yo Yo Ma Ma

Thank You, most Divine and Worshipful God!

To spread Your Holy Word, I have faithfully printed out and posted Your blessed messages here at work.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 6:00 pm15anne johnson

Bloodvork, nothing as cute as you could be impotent. You just haven’t found the right mammal mate yet.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 6:04 pm16The Unpleasanter Jew

dear god,

that is a wonderful picture of boobs.

sincerely,

Unpleas
on 13 Mar 2009 at 6:05 pm17uppity cracka

nun, the difference between you and salma hayek is that the only part of her body that looks like juicy tits is her actual tits. other than that, you’re both raging insane bitches.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 6:07 pm18The Unpleasanter Jew

the other difference is salma hayek is attractive and nun is fat and dry.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 6:07 pm19uppity cracka

that’s right. nun’s body is a series of fatty flesh lumps with nipple-like secretion holes surrounding one stinky brown secretion flap that she calls her ‘precious’.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 6:08 pm20anne johnson

God smites Beck. What the heck. Beck is a prick, a wreck with a dick.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 6:15 pm21Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Jew’s never seen a woman naked, Cracka. Be careful about associating with him or people might assume the same about you.

God smited my cutie, Chris Martin, with some horrible tale of being a thief or some shit like that. Even if he is a thief, I’d still fuck him.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 6:18 pm22uppity cracka

when you fuck him will you rip out his whiny fag vocal cords when you’re done so we don’t have to listen to his pretentious boring caterwauling anymore? thanks, whore.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 6:20 pm23Nun Ur Damned Bizness

HAHA!! I don’t know about anybody else but I’d rather spend my time with a mime than try fisting.

http://blog.sextoyblog.com/2009/03/fisiting-dildos-and-mimes.html
on 13 Mar 2009 at 6:21 pm24Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Is that a case of envy, Cracka? I’m sure your band doesn’t play to the packed houses that Coldplay enjoys.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 6:24 pm25American Psycho

You guys sure are mean to each other.

Glad to see Madoff is going to hell.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 6:30 pm26uppity cracka

we are filled with divine hate, AP.

nun, there are certain bands one is almost required to hate if one is to be taken seriously by other kickass rock the mic types. one of them is coldplay. why? are they terrible? no. actually, they’re almost kind of good…in a completely generic way. so why hate them? because their songs are halfassed versions of better songs by better bands that most people don’t listen to.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 6:31 pm27uppity cracka

i admire madoff. that guy fooled thousands of people into giving him billions of dollars. wow. that is the ultimate cracker move.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 6:32 pm28Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Nice try at diverting away from your cardinal sin of envy, Cracka.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 6:32 pm29uppity cracka

another one is the killers.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 6:32 pm30uppity cracka

fallout boy…ugh.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 6:35 pm31uppity cracka

nun, if i had the choice of being me with no money (that’s me right now, i guess)
or chris martin with lots of money (that’s him right now, i guess)
i would choose to remain poor rather than be cursed with those awful lyrics and stupid fans.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 6:36 pm32God

Yo - In answer to your question, no. And I will bless you with 2 full inches for spreading My Word.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 6:37 pm33American Psycho

What’s wrong with Coldplay? There music and lyrics are great and totally original.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 6:39 pm34Yo Yo Ma Ma

Thank You, God!
on 13 Mar 2009 at 6:40 pm35Yo Yo Ma Ma

Cracka, how about Radiohead?
on 13 Mar 2009 at 6:44 pm36uppity cracka

radiohead is brilliant.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 6:46 pm37uppity cracka

so, if i spread God’s divine word throughout the interscapes he won’t penis smite me anymore???

why couldn’t i figure that out before last night?
on 13 Mar 2009 at 6:47 pm38Yo Yo Ma Ma

Agreement!
on 13 Mar 2009 at 6:50 pm39Nun Ur Damned Bizness

There’s nothing wrong with Coldplay, Psycho. Cracka is just incredibly jealous of their success and his lack of success. Also, Chris Martin actually has a penis.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 6:53 pm40American Psycho

Well everyone wishes they could have that kind of success. But it’s all politics.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 6:56 pm41Nun Ur Damned Bizness

If you watch this video till the end, you will see that there is nothing wrong with Coldplay’s fans.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xIJYYi2ZqCE

I’m so proud of my people.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 6:57 pm42Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Psycho,

Coldplay got to the top the good old American way, even if they are British… they cheated and stole. Or so say a whole bunch of people but I refuse to believe it because I am blinded by my lust for Chris Martin’s weiner.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 7:05 pm43American Psycho

Everyone who becomes extremely succesful in music gets accused of stealing music, usually from black people. Same thing with comedy.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 7:15 pm44American Psycho

Salma Hayek stole her titties from God.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 7:15 pm45Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Silly, Psycho. Black people don’t accuse others of stealing. They’re the ones who do the stealing. Speaking of, Chris Martin is white; therefore, it is not possible that he stole that song.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 7:17 pm46Josh

yo yo,
i wasn’t trying to suck up to God. I leave that to Nun, figuratively and literally.

Nun,
coldplay sucks, but you can’t see that past chris martin’s bulge.

cracka,
did you see radiohead’s reply to miley cyrus? hilarious.

Jew,
i read your comic. There better be a “Watchmen” level ending (The comic not the movie), or “6th Sense” ending to make that string come together.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 7:31 pm47Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Josh,

I’d say something about Radiohead’s reply to Cyrus being right on target but that would imply that I read anything past “Chris Martin’s bulge” and I didn’t. Mmmmm… Chris Martin’s bulge… mmmmm.

I think I did misread Psycho’s remark though. Sorry, Psycho. I’ve gotten used to deciphering our Brazillian friends’ posts and that’s really fucked up my comprehension skills.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 7:32 pm48uppity cracka

josh gets all his shit done in one post.
impressive efficiency. you don’t get that from coloreds too often.
i will check out this radiohead reply of which you post.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 7:33 pm49anne at library

Cracka, hypothetically speaking … if you were going to cover songs from another band, which band would you cover? Not that you do anything but original work when you perform.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 7:39 pm50uppity cracka

checked out.
yes, hilarious.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 7:43 pm51Bloodvork

Ronnie James Dio.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 7:46 pm52uppity cracka

i like to cover obscure songs from bands that people like. that way, it’s familiar, they like it, they don’t know why.
or i like to cover obscure bands with good songs. either way, people like it, but they don’t know why.

originals gotta be most of your set, though. or you will be mocked. great way to get paid, though. learn one hour of crappy songs that people like and are easy to perform. you can make $1000/weekend if you don’t suck. more if you do it for a while. but that’s gay. it’s like being a church comic for josh. sell-fuckin-out.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 7:50 pm53uppity cracka

tenacious d style, bloodvork!
on 13 Mar 2009 at 7:51 pm54The Unpleasanter Jew

josh,

yes. i plan to end secret jew with a giant squid.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 7:52 pm55uppity cracka

honestly, johnson…the jonas brothers.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 7:53 pm56uppity cracka

you’re not going to let hollywood change your giant squid ending, are you?
on 13 Mar 2009 at 7:56 pm57The Unpleasanter Jew

only if they want to change it to have MORE giant squids
on 13 Mar 2009 at 7:57 pm58Yo Yo Ma Ma

http://store.dieselsweeties.com/products/elitism
on 13 Mar 2009 at 8:00 pm59Yo Yo Ma Ma

Or maybe: http://store.dieselsweeties.com/products/liked-you-better-before-you-sold-out-shirt
on 13 Mar 2009 at 8:05 pm60anne at library

Teenzilla’s on a rampage. You know what’s better than parenthood? EVERY FVCKING THING IN THE UNIVERSE.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 8:09 pm61American Psycho

What did she do now? God must hate you pretty bad.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 8:09 pm62Yo Yo Ma Ma

What’s her problem this afternoon, Anne?
on 13 Mar 2009 at 8:16 pm63Nun Ur Damned Bizness

I Spit On Your Grave is on the internet! Woohoo!! They’re remaking that movie too. Is nothing sacred?

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=1412442687111533561
on 13 Mar 2009 at 8:29 pm64American Psycho

They’re also remaking Total Recall for some reason.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 8:42 pm65Nun Ur Damned Bizness

WTF!! Are there any original ideas left in Hollywood?

I can’t give Anne shit anymore about Teenzilla’s language. My loser of a boy yelled “fuck you” at me from behind a closed door. Silly little loser didn’t realize that I could still hear him. Now nobody can hear him. I buried him in the backyard.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 8:57 pm66American Psycho
on 13 Mar 2009 at 9:05 pm67Robot-Ben

Where are the Brazilians today? I want to lay the verbal smackdown on some illiterates.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 9:08 pm68Robot-Ben

Why did he tell you fuck you Nun?

Oh…right.

I almost forgot….

Fuck you!
on 13 Mar 2009 at 9:13 pm69Nun Ur Damned Bizness

You don’t fuck with momma.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 9:16 pm70Robot-Ben

Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it, bitch? Smoke some more weed?
on 13 Mar 2009 at 9:20 pm71Nun Ur Damned Bizness

I wasn’t talking to you, Ben. I was talking about my kid. You’re nothing, not even worth paying attention to.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 9:22 pm72Robot-Ben

FUCK YOU! YOU WHORE! I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!
on 13 Mar 2009 at 9:44 pm73American Psycho

Whoa! Calm down there robo-fag.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 9:46 pm74Nun Ur Damned Bizness

If Ben’s opinion was worth anything my feelings would be hurt.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 10:35 pm75Robot-Ben

Ok, I’ve had enough. This is my last post. Very rarely I’ve had fun talking to you people, but you all are far too abusive. I know it’s supposed to be a joke, but I don’t think it’s a joke anymore, and if it is it’s not funny.

I hope you people learn to lighten up, have fun and still respect each other. Because this place fucking sucks now as it is.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 11:14 pm76God

I have declared comment #74 divine for being the comment that finally convinced ben to go away.

DON’T TRY TO COME BACK ben! YOU ARE BANISHED! YOUR IP IS NOW BANNED AND YOU CAN NEVER COME BACK!
on 13 Mar 2009 at 11:25 pm77anne johnson

God, I hope you’re serious about ben. I vote him most likely to be living in Mom’s basement.

Wow. Everything is fine with Teenzilla. A dude at her school was telling her that his “cousin” was gonna beat her up. Much to Teenzilla’s embarrassment I had words with the dude in front of the school. WHEN I’M PISSED I CAN GET AS MAD AS GOD.

But I’m a lot calmer. I don’t send hurricanes or anything.
on 13 Mar 2009 at 11:26 pm78anne johnson

Hold the phone. She’s pissed at me again. Who hid the Depo-Provera?
on 13 Mar 2009 at 11:30 pm79anne johnson

GOD!!! The poison ivy smite is rocking on and on! MAKE IT STOP AND I PROMISE TO BURN MY DAUGHTER IN AN OFFERING!
on 13 Mar 2009 at 11:44 pm80anne johnson

There’s precedent in the Old Testament.
on 14 Mar 2009 at 1:32 am81God

Burn your daughter first and then we’ll talk.
on 14 Mar 2009 at 3:39 pm82Josh

ha ha! God knows Anne is an indian giver.
on 14 Mar 2009 at 5:47 pm83Hume Cronyn

And on the sixth day, God banned Ben.
That could be a bumper sticker.
on 14 Mar 2009 at 7:13 pm84anne johnson

I tried to burn my daughter, but a red-eyed robot thing emerged from the flames, shooting everything in sight.
on 14 Mar 2009 at 7:59 pm85Nun Ur Damned Bizness

That was a real cylon, Anne. Not one of the fake skin-jobs that new show uses. Yuck.

Ben is a fucking pussy cry-baby and a child. WAHHH… people are sooooo mean. I’ll say some mean things but when they say mean things back I’m going to take it personally and cry like a baby. WAHHHH!!
on 14 Mar 2009 at 8:01 pm86Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Thanks for divine comment of the day, God. In You I trust.
on 14 Mar 2009 at 8:24 pm87anne johnson

The funniest part is that Ben will keep reading this thread just to see what we say about him.
on 14 Mar 2009 at 8:25 pm88anne johnson

I say he was the Mop Room Fairy, the only thing on this thread with the bad taste to mock inner city students for their names.
on 14 Mar 2009 at 8:42 pm89Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Anne - #87, not if he was really banned by God Himself.

#88 - Oh, I don’t know… I probably have the bad taste to mock them. Just not to their face. Black people frighten me.
on 14 Mar 2009 at 8:56 pm90anne johnson

Nun, I hope you’ll forgive me. I was chatting online yesterday with Burro. We didn’t talk about you! Facebook is so weird. I don’t know why I thought you created Burro. I guess it’s because so many people here have multiple identities.

Whereas you and I have multiple titties.
on 14 Mar 2009 at 8:57 pm91anne johnson

I’m not scared of black people unless they’re coming out of a very big church.
on 14 Mar 2009 at 8:58 pm92anne johnson

People who go to big churches are fvcking scary as shit.
on 14 Mar 2009 at 9:27 pm93Hume Cronyn

I wonder what church Ben attends.
The Seventh Day Adventist Ball Lickers?
on 14 Mar 2009 at 9:34 pm94anne johnson

Why, Hume? Did you see him there?
on 14 Mar 2009 at 9:59 pm95Hume Cronyn

You’re funny when the hot flashes hit.
on 14 Mar 2009 at 10:13 pm96anne johnson

You’re never funny, butt breath.
on 14 Mar 2009 at 10:35 pm97Hume Cronyn

I love cranky bitches.
on 14 Mar 2009 at 10:38 pm98anne johnson

And I love smelly dudes with small pricks. Go find yourself a quickening, maybe it’ll bring you back from the dead.
on 14 Mar 2009 at 10:39 pm99anne johnson

Not really. I like big ol dicks. Standing at attention on hot young men.
on 14 Mar 2009 at 10:44 pm100Bridgette

Billy Graham is such a good man and is so right. God will never give on you and neither will I!
on 14 Mar 2009 at 11:00 pm101anne johnson

Bridgette gets a quickening!
on 14 Mar 2009 at 11:00 pm102Josh

Bridgette gets the quickening!

her comment proves she is one of you bastards.
on 14 Mar 2009 at 11:13 pm103Hume Cronyn

You think young men are interested in you, Anne?
You do have a keen sense of humour, after all.
on 14 Mar 2009 at 11:23 pm104Josh

saggy breast FACE!

FYI - Hume, there are a lot of younger dudes who would do Anne, it’s the basis for the profit model for MILF Porn.
on 14 Mar 2009 at 11:23 pm105Bridgette

What is a ‘quickening’ Josh? Interesting picture by the way.
on 14 Mar 2009 at 11:36 pm106anne johnson

SERIOUSLY

Bridgette is REAL. If you don’t believe it, you don’t believe God Almighty, who has told us she’s real.
on 14 Mar 2009 at 11:39 pm107anne johnson

And for the record, no one would guess my age by looking at my fine, firm tits. The first rule of aging well is to keep your girlish figure, which I have done.

Back to Bridgette. I am still ROTFLMAO!

God could declare that the Divine Quote of the Day, because it’s Saturday.
on 14 Mar 2009 at 11:40 pm108anne johnson

Bridgette, a “quickening” is what you feel when Billy gets to the part of the sermon where he asks all the sinners to come forward to confess.
on 14 Mar 2009 at 11:40 pm109anne johnson

CAN’T STAND IT!!!
on 15 Mar 2009 at 2:25 am110Hume Cronyn

I’m looking at your tits, Anne, and I’m thinking….
49?
Nice symmetrical areolae, though.
Props for that.
on 15 Mar 2009 at 5:04 am111Bei Shen

I love me some of them fat titties, the kind that can wrap around my head.

Yes. That kind.
on 15 Mar 2009 at 2:47 pm112anne johnson

You aren’t looking at my tits, “Hume.” 49 is your IQ.
on 15 Mar 2009 at 6:58 pm113Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Anne,

Yes, Burro is very real. He’s been my friend for a very long time and he’s my 1013 connection… err, he was anyway and I still hold a great deal of resentment towards his ex for not getting us up to that set when we could. But I love my Burro!!
on 15 Mar 2009 at 10:15 pm114anne johnson

He’s less of a jackass than Ben, by a country mile.

God, please drive Ben crazy by allowing him to read the thread but not leave comments!
on 16 Mar 2009 at 12:49 am115God

Anne, I have already done so.
on 16 Mar 2009 at 1:36 am116anne johnson

Ramen, my Noodly Master!