In this monthly feature, The Almighty first answers a few of the many questions He has recently received. Afterwards, mortals will be given the awesome opportunity to ask God one question. If The Lord is feeling generous, He may actually answer.
QUESTION #1:
Unas Riseth: Oh Lord! It was You who created PornTube? If yes, why all that freaking gay stuff flooding that shit?
GOD: How dare you suggest I could possibly create such a craptastic smut site?! Unas Riseth - I SMITE YOU! From now on whether you be on or offline you will only find gay porn, no matter how long or how hard you search.
QUESTION #2:
Jennifer: How come Lucifer has the cooler nicknames? I mean c’mon, Satan, Lucifer, Mephistopheles, Lord of the Flies, Beelzebub, The Devil, Prince of Darkness, Lord of Lies is way cooler than anything they call you!
GOD: SHUTUP! I am the one who is called I AM! My Names are much better; The Lord, God, Jehovah, Yahweh, The Lord of Hosts: Supreme Commander of the Armies of Heaven, Jealous, Elohim The Strong Creator, Adonai The Master of the Universe, The Alpha and The Omega, Everlasting Father, Lord God Almighty…I’M THE LIGHT OF THE WORLD! SHUT YOUR FUCKING FACE!
QUESTION #3:
Michae: Why do i have cancer and why can’t you do something about it please. I would love to spend some quality time with my wife and church.
GOD: ARGGH! YOU WHINY CANCER PATIENTS ARE SO FUCKING ANNOYING!
QUESTION #4:
The L Woman: Lord, who is you favorite president on charge and why? Who is or was the best president ever and why?
GOD: The best president of anything ever was in fact William Harrison, the 9th president of the United States. He was a 68-year-old man who gave a 2-hour inauguration speech in the bitter cold of February and refused to wear a coat or hat. He got pneumonia and died 32 days later.
As funny as that sounds, I must say that was the best fucking speech I’ve ever heard from a mortal. His time in office may have been short, but Harrison has to get best president ever just based on the content and delivery of that speech alone. It had shouting, cursing, innovative ideas, and an old man getting sick. It was so great I just had to kill him and bring him up to Heaven immediately.
QUESTION #5:
Luca: God,you like brazilians?
GOD: No.
QUESTION #6:
Willy: Didn’t you create all the dumb shit you hate in the first place? You did and it’s your fault you’re so fucking miserable. Man up, bitch. Either fix it or STFU. God! Get some balls, willya?
GOD: Foolish mortal! You assume that hating things automatically makes you miserable. I created the things I hate because I love being angry and I love smiting. It makes me happy to see humans cry. My therapist says this makes Me a sociopath and a sadist. I hate that jerk!
As for you Willy, I will listen to your blasphemous advice and take some balls. Yours! Enjoy getting castrated by ‘accident’ during your next hospital visit.
QUESTION #7:
Bei Shen: Dear God, why there are never any Asian on Dancing with The Stars?
GOD: Because Asians can’t dance.
QUESTION #8:
Anonymous: Big dude, are any other use for convents other than your private harem? Hugs, you know who.
GOD: No, that is the only purpose of convents, to provide Me with a steady stream of fine, premium-cut Nun ass.
QUESTION #9:
Nun: God, are You sad?
GOD: Not even a little. My Existence is, was, and always will be perfectly glorious and awesome. I am exceedingly happy. In fact, I could not possibly be happier. There is absolutely nothing wrong with Me and there never will be.
Ralph on 
freebiesss on 
TheEvilOverlord on 
God on 
Craig on 
samanta on 
ShunRenHu on 
Dear God,
In this age, why only 3,249,758
hits on the blog?
Shouldn’t it be billions or trillions?
Still Lurking,
Tony
Thank You Lord
Anne at School:
You created Valium, God. Go and take it, cuz You are messed up.
HA!! I told Bei that Asians can’t dance. Looks like I was right for one lonely little moment. WOOHOO!!
Despite God’s claims to the contrary, I think He might be just a tad on the Divinely Depressed side. I don’t think mankind’s destruction is rolling along as smoothly as He would like.
Holy shit!! 17 million hits to God’s Divine and Holy Blog.
you’re so right Anne. Our God is an offensive God. I am so offendeded right now.
i’m a politically correct faggot.
Nun: God, are You sad?
GOD: Not even a little. My Existence is, was, and always will be perfectly glorious and awesome. I am exceedingly happy. In fact, I could not possibly be happier. There is absolutely nothing wrong with Me and there never will be.
Oliveira: With all my respect my god, but then why you need therapists?
oh, and thanks for the good tits that u gave to my gf
you don;’t have to be “sad” to go to a therapist. Many people go because they are lonely and have no one else to talk to. they also start blogs to help with this problem.
how long do you think it will be before oliveira’s girlfriend has her tits removed for that stupid follow up question?
well, i’m going to the liquor store.
ben, shut UP!!!!!
Has anybody seen The Kite Runner? Man, those baby terrorists made me feel bad for them.
I saw it, while in Pakistan.
I like how terrorists are so un-American, they rape little boys.
good movie, a little heavy handed, but good.
Nun and Josh make me feel like a geezer.
Wait a minute. I am a geezer.
Another government-subsidized lunch today. Lovely turkey sandwich with lettuce and tomato. Miss u, Curtis!
Anne says, “Curse you Nun and Josh with your moving pictures! I have not been to see a talkie since FDR made the new deal”
Those weren’t boys, Josh. They were baby terrorists. It was horrible what happened to that one baby terrorist, i.e. having a terrorist penis shoved up his little baby terrorist bunghole but that’s what they get for being born terrorists.
It was a good movie, even if it did make me feel compassion for baby terrorists.
allah acbar
I stopped going to moving pictures when they started making them in color. Walked out on “Wizard of Oz” and haven’t seen a movie since.
those stupid fucking asians can’t dance for shit. one more reason to hate asia.
Admiral Allah Ackbar is indeed one of the worst terrorists known to man. He almost got all the allies killed when he led them to believe the Death Star wasn’t operational. What a terrorist bastard!!
i think that dumb bitch jennifer brings up an interesting point. we could give God better nicknames. let’s see, george bush would call Him “Smitey”.
we can do better than that.
God! Please pull down the dancing Asians! They’re worse than the mooning leprechaun! *hack, snort, gag*
I love the dancing Asians. First off that guy is my cousin, second it not only shows Asians can’t dance but that they attack everything with an unwarranted sense of enthusiasm that borderlines homosexuality, or maybe that’s the speedo he’s wearing.
Hey, speaking of borderline gays: where is Nun’s burro?
does anyone here watch “The Soup”? Did you see the clip of the week from one tree hill??!?!?!?! That was the funniest thing I have ever seen in my life, I laughed so hard I teared up. TO bad it was not funny on purpose.
DAMN JOSH, STOP! Every time you mention something modern on t.v. I grow another gray hair!
Hey did anyone see that new episode of leave it to beaver? It was so great!
HA!! Funny story about The Beav and his family. There’s a retro station that shows Leave it to Beaver and I got stuck watching it one morning. I don’t know about the rest of you but I was raised by a mother who watched Leave it to Beaver all the time, I don’t remember it being funny. Well, it is funny, I was surprised at how many times I actually laughed.
HAHAHA! That IS funny. I love you guys.
i hate myself.
Help me out here, heathens… Rolling Stones music video where they’re walking around New York City and they’re the size of the buildings. What song is that? Anybody know?
Never mind sinful heathens. “Love is Strong” is the song. I didn’t remember it because it sucks. The video was cool though.
Dear God,
Did you really break into a Nazi stronghold during World War II to rescue Jesus from Hitler?
http://superdickery.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=904:45-smash-pages-of-god-hitler-crucified-my-son&catid=35:propaganda-index&Itemid=35
Sincerely,
Thoroughly Pizzled
Rescue, Schmescue !
Looks to me more like Adolf’s giving
Jesus a handjob …
a guy takes one day off to get drunk and this is the bullshit you guys post?!!!! f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f–ffffuck!
“hey, did anybody see a tv show or movie or read a book or something?”
you’re lucky i hate you already or i’d start hating you NOW!!!
shut the fuck up, ben!!!
FUCK YOU GUYS…I’M GOIN’ HOME!!
Him dammit! i’m already at home!
Cracka’s right y’all, we all had a case of the Mun-days.
i i i i. umm………i suck.
It’s those dancing Asians. No one wants to see those fuckers five times a day.
WTF - I miss one day and this place falls asleep! C’mon, Nun, insult Cracka’s ‘penis’. Cracka, invoke Titty Joke Power! Josh, deconstruct a joke! Anne, hug a tree! ben, shutup!
i am shutting up!
anne, the dancing asians are awesomely bad. plus no one is looking at that when they are hanging out int he comments area. geez i think we can all allow ourselves one day to actually work. the economy needs us!!
the economy doesn’t need me though.
God, how do you feel about April Fools day?
anyone here planning anything?
i’m obese.
How is it an insult when Ben just makes truthful statements about himself? The truth is the truth.
Cracka,
You be an X-File fan… what say you about this? Frank Spotnitz has a blog and he’s had a bunch of fans write in trying to dictate the plot of XF3. Frankly, if fans had any say in shit like that, more entertainment would suck more than it already does. Hell, some people would just have Mulder and Scully fucking all day long.
I think it’s bullshit, let the creative forces who created the damn thing dictate what would happen in a third movie. I just hope it’s creepy/freaky. I wasn’t too creeped out by XF2. It was still fine entertainment so you just shut your ching-chong retardo mouth, Josh!!
what would you do if God said he hated the X-Files Nun?
ugh. all this self insulting is starting to wear on me.
i’m fat.
God isn’t retarded like Josh so I can’t insult His inferior mental capacity. I’d just have to accept it and secretly start worshiping Lucifer who probably really enjoys The X-Files.
I miss Lucifer.
I miss Lucifer too. I hope he didn’t die or lose his house or anything… if he was mortal, which we know he wasn’t.
Oh… wait… I think Lucifer is somebody here. I miss Zeus. I hope he didn’t die or lose his house or anything… if he was mortal, which we know he wasn’t.
fuck those guys. go to hell you abandoners!
I miss the duck guy.
nun, if the fans wrote an x files movie it would be 12 hours long and feature about 50 sex scenes. i have one overriding opinion about an x files movie. fucking ALIENS!!! it’s more of a feature length topic with more black ops conspiracy shit built right in. you can’t go wrong. the monster of the weeks are custom made for 44 minutes plus commercials.
said.
i’m not working today, either. what to do, what to do? wait, got it! booze, baby!
Who the fuck is the “duck guy”?
I always preferred the monster of the week episodes over the myth. I can follow the myth, I know what happened. I just prefer the monsters, more creepiness I suppose whereas the myth required a whole lot of brain working if you wanted to stay on top of it. I wouldn’t mind if they revisted the myth and aliens for XF3. I’m just getting tired of people whining about William and how they don’t want any more women to come between Mulder and Scully… wahhh… let them be happy. Fucking pansies.
And for me personally, William should stay adopted in his wonderfarmland of peace and tranquility.
Anna Liffen - Possibly. Send Me your resume and references.
Oliveira - Your girlfriend’s tits are now fat ugly man-boobs. And she has a penis.
Anne - It pleases Me greatly to see you squirm at the sight of dancing Asians. Not only will I leave it in this post, but it will now be in all future posts.
Thoroughly Pizzled - Yes, I did. This happened after Jesus became a fan of Hitler and got himself crucified again.
ben - You don’t get your question answered. Also, make those insults to yourself more demeaning.
Nun - the Duck Guy was a moron who posted a link to his shitty duck-themed website a long, long time ago.
God,
Stupid, sad and ugly Ben brought up a good point. I couldn’t believe it and it’s my opinion that he stole somebody else’s good point because he is far too stupid to come up with his own good points. Anyway, I digress. Do You enjoy The X-Files? I realize mortal entertainment must be infinitely boring but The X-Files was quality and intelligent entertainment. It makes mortals like me think and use our You-given brains. Plus, Scully like totally loves You and Your Son. So, do You like it or not?
And thanks for reminding me about Duck Guy. Josh really is retarded to miss that douche-bag.
Cracka, why are you home? Sleeping off a drunk? Worried about the virus that’s supposed to hit tomorrow? Working up some titty jokes for us?
Today’s accident: I rammed my nutsack when I slipped moving a PC. It’s OK, which is a good thing, as the HR people want some kind of proof of accident. I don’t want anyone in HR fondling my hanging drupes.
Or taking pictures.
God, when teenage girls text ‘OMG’ to each other, do You get angry at their taking Your Holy Name in vain, and smite them?
Just be glad you have a nutsack, Yo. Poor Cracka has no nutsack. Sadly, all that hangs between Cracka’s legs is a strange and tiny bump that resembles a nipple.
LOL! I wonder if it gets bigger when its cold? That would prove it’s not a part of the male anatomy.
Cracka, are you hung/built like a Ken doll?
Those twos from the Kite Runner were kids? I thought they were two diminutive, retarded fuckers.
Nun #51,
I don’t really miss that duck guy, he was by far more Ben than our Ben.
i worked this weekend, yo…by “work” i mean i sat in a room in a building and played video games as time meaninglessly passed by.
if nun would get her distended boarhog utters out of my face i could concentrate long enough to think of some titty jokes.
haven’t been ken doll smited in quite some time, thanks God!!
You’re welcome. It will now take you 10 quickenings to gain back your nuts.
Josh, you only need 6 more quickenings to restore your ballsack.
Ok, asians can’t dance at all. They suck!
But what do you think about their animes? Do you like them?
What about those Super Heros like Jaspion, Changeman, Flashman, Jiraya?
I use to love them when I was a kid.
By the way,
Thanks God, it was not expensive to repair my motorcycle!
Did you break up with your girlfriend? Or make her pay for the motorcycle?
I just made her pay.
R$ 160.00 it’s about U$ 66
I’m old-school anime: Speed Racer (he needed to be punched), Astro Boy (faggy), Lupin III, Star Blazers.
Avatar: The Last Airbender… wicked cool stateside anime. I like it a lot and so does my loser of a boy.
fuck.
10 quickenings?!!
do you have any idea how many quickenings that is?!!
IT’S LIKE 10 OF THEM!!!!
69 counts for 9 quickenings.
God,
Why don’t You just smite Alaska off the face of the Earth? Can’t You give it to Galactus as a little snack or something?
http://www.pamshouseblend.com/showDiary.do?diaryId=10144
err… Galacticus. I don’t know who Galactus is.
Oh, here you go again! Talking about anime, making me feel old! Yo Yo, are you there? Let’s go ballroom dancing and watch Bugs Bunny!
23 skidoo! Let’s cut a rug! That’ll be the cat’s meow! Get a wiggle on, I’ll fire up my flivver and take us to the gin mill.
Whoops - wrong decade.
Oh, I dunno. The part about the gin mill sounds fun.
Gosh, Anne, you’re the bees knees! Let me crank up the time machine and we’ll go kill our grandparents to see if it really would be a time paradox.
Which one of the Brazillian pukes called me a vulture? Check this out. I enter at 1:52, so you don’t need to watch the whole thing. And yes, this is really me. Really. Note the shapely legs.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wAc6rpkFdEM
Vulture people are weird.
that’s pretty good, anne freaking johnson…for a druish cunt!!!!
so, you weren’t the f.u.p.a. in blue-grey sweats and baseball cap?
Cracka,
You ignorant fool!
She said she had shapely legs, not tree-trunk shaped legs.
Vultures in their natural environment and making sea turtles sad…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ffxiPjncOPY
(Gag) I didn’t know what a FUPA was, so i followed this link: http://fupahunter.blogspot.com/
Hurf. On the bright side, I’m not focused on nutsack pain any more.
HAHA!! That disgusts me more than the most recent post on Frank Spotnitz’s blog that goes into details about Mulder and Scully having a shower together… GAG!!
But I strongly disagree that the disgruntled FUPAs were even FUPAs. Both of those women look like they can view their vagina without setting aside pounds of skin.
God, what do You think about FUPAs?
Here’s a FUPA for cracka: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gwMLD_4bkLw&feature=related
WARNING: Hurlworthy!
I wonder if they are FUPAs is training, Nun.
I’m going to Wal-Mart after work to scope some out.
HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B0SC_RD3ebY
God,
Is that thing real??
OMGodWhoArtInHeaven! That was a scary tongue. Maybe Cracka should get a tongue graft, then Mrs. Cracka wouldn’t get frustrated when Cracka gets a penis smite.
That tongue is bigger than Cracka has ever dreamed his dick to be and Cracka has delusions of grandeur!!
84 and 86 oughta hook up.
Whoa! Maybe 84 is Bridgette!
You may be on to something, Anne.
I wonder if Cracka is lurking, hoping for a quickening?
And where is Josh today? Changing diapers?
Nun, would you scream or stay if you saw a tongue like that coming at you?
Speaking of giant tongues, I saw “Monsters Vs. Aliens” over the weekend. Disappointly, Susan’s clothes stretched to cover her when she grew. Also, she wore a jumpsuit in later scenes, so no panty shots.
Haven’t even watched X-files, but that tongue belongs on it. Scary fucker.
that was bridgette before she got saved. now she’s even fatter but she would never flaunt it…jeebus hates all forms of sex that don’t involve male butt-gasms.
THAT’S RIGHT…BUTT-GASMS!!!
you heard me—-
i said BUTT-GASMS!!
there can be——-
ONLY ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(please come back, balls)
Butt-gasms? I don’t want to be around when that anus overflows!
Now we’re making up for the slow Monday. Poor, desperate Cracka. He’s so tired of singing soprano for the pope.
Congrats on the quickening.
Nine more to get back to zero.
Yo, I’d probably stick around.
Anne,
It might just be me but I never thought The X-Files was too scary. It’s creepy and sometimes it was pretty damned freaky but it never scared the holy hell out of me. You would probably like Mulder’s open mind, David Duchovny is also pretty to look at.
I know David Duchovny is eye candy. And I remember I was the only one of my friends who didn’t watch the show. Someone warned me that paranoid people shouldn’t watch it and that it also had its missed-heartbeat moments. I bet I couldn’t get past the opening credits.
The Sham-Wow guy scares me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ns4mnmNBk1Y
I’m paranoid and I never miss it. I was working with a friend of Perrey Reeves when it first came out, Perrey Reeves was Duchovny’s girl at the time. Every week she’d ask “did you watch The X-Files?? did you??” and I never did. I kick myself for it now but I didn’t start watching until the second season. You see Duchovny in a speedo in one episode, well worth it.
I suppose there are moments where you’d miss a heartbeat or two, I never found it that bad but I love the damned show.
Okay. Is X-Files scarier, less scary, or equally scary to the re-make of “Invasion of the Body Snatchers?” B/C I watched that and didn’t sleep for a week. I’m a pussy. (And proud of it, actually … would I want to be a dick?)
The Tree Gods say, “DOWN WITH DANCING ASIANS!” They are threatening to turn all of Jealous’s followers over to Buddha.
You mean “The Invasion” right? With Nicole Kidman? I didn’t find that scary at all, Anne. Maybe you’re right that it isn’t the show for you.
I AM SUCH A GEEZER! I meant the one with Donald Sutherland.
No wonder I needed a new hip.
Nun, do you like gooey gown movies? Stuff like “Pride and Prejudice?” I’m a hopeless romantic, except when I come over here to bust God’s balls. WHICH I AM SERIOUSLY GONNA DO IF HE DOESN’T PULL THOSE FREAKIN SKINNY DANCING ASIANS!
Whew… I thought your taste kind of sucked there for a second, Anne. The Invasion is a horrible film. Unfortunately, it’s been too long since I’ve seen the one with Sutherland. I don’t remember if it scared me or not.
I like some of those films, Anne. I love House of Mirth, I liked Atonement, haven’t seen Pride and Prejudice and was majorly disappointed with Age of Innocence.
Age of Innocence was pretty sucky. The recent P&P with Kiera Knightly was good.
Okay. I’ll try again. Is X-Files scarier, as scary, or not as scary as “The Sixth Sense?” Pinkie swear that movie scared me down three dress sizes.
Dancing Speedo Asians. Fat, ugly drunks. Leprechaun abuse. And that’s before you start reading!
WHY AM I HERE???
Because this is better than dealing with Teenzilla.
There were parts of The Sixth Sense that gave me a fright… the little girl in the tent comes to mind. There are episodes of The X-Files that would probably be as scary as The Sixth Sense but a lot of the episodes weren’t scary at all. Some of the episodes, believe it or not, are just kind of sad. Some are just kind of creepy. Some are funny. That’s why I love The X-Files, it really can’t fit into one genre.
The X-Files episode about the fat vampire kid was classic.
I love fat vampire kids.
If the Tree Gods find out about this, they’ll take away my magic mushrooms.
Hume, you ARE a fat vampire kid.
The fat vampire kid episode is Bad Blood and is a classic episode. If Anne can find it, she should watch it. That episode is fucking hilarious.
God should watch it too. It might bring a smile to His Divine Cranky Face and lighten His Sour Demeanor.
Does it have lesbians kissing?
No lesbians kissing, Bei, sorry. Just Hume sucking the chick in #84 and becoming fat off her lard-laden blood.
Nun,
Avatar is great, too bad it’s over and now M. Night Shamwow is going to rape it for the theaters. Who ever heard of an movie in Asian with no Asians in the movie?
I wish I was a fat vampire kid, Anne.
I also liked the one where the dude from Spinal Tap
switched with Mulder via the UFO.
I wish I was a fat vampire kid, Anne.
Ooohhh, ohhh, ohhh… Hume’s talking about Dreamland I and II, they aren’t scary either. And yes, Bei, there are lesbians in The X-Files… the episode All Things had a lesbian couple. You can imagine the kissing just like people did with Mulder and Scully but there’s nothing to see. The X-Files wasn’t about kissing, damn it!
M. will fuck it up, Josh… mark my words. He’ll fuck it up bad and then maybe they’ll stop funding his projects.
A team full of winners, God. A team full of winners. Many, many thanks.
nun do you know all the episodes names by heart? I don’t know if that would make you sexier or just a loser.
Happy Ben Day, everyone!
Josh, does that make her a fanboy, errr, fangirl?
I’ve been thinking about the time I spend on this site. I’ve also been thinking about Bridgette’s kindness. She is really trying to help us lead better lives and find salvation when we die. Bridgette, if you read this, I’m ready to listen. For far too long I’ve been shallow, mean-spirited, and following the wrong religion.
The rest of you should really ponder what you write here. What if your children saw it? Wouldn’t you be ashamed?
That’s all I have to say.
BWHAHAHAHA!
I, too, have had an epiphany. No more ham-slamming (kicking Bridgette around). No more swearing at you punk kids. No more laughing at ben.
Wait - I withdraw the last.
Anne I am glad to hear that you have realized the error of your ways. You are so right that your children would be ashamed of what is written here. I realize that today is a day for practial jokes so I just hope you are being sincere.
holy shit, bridgette. start with one and keep counting until you get to potato, you sanctimonious twat.
Anne at school:
Psych!!! Nope.
april-fool’s-FACE!!!!!
Of course I knew it. None of you will ever change your minds because you are all have such closed hearts. Maybe you are all right and I should give up my faith too. I’m sure it would feel so much better to believe in nothing. Then I could do whatever I want and not have to worry about any consequences.
Ahahahaha! Well done, Bridgette!
Bridgette is right, if you don’t believe in God there are no consequences to our actions!!!! Just last night I raped and killed about 30 people, then drove off in a stolen car. While driving I hit 3 old ladies crossing the street, then backed up over them to make sure they died.
When the cops finally stopped me at a roadblock and drew their guns, I got out my car and said, “Hey, I don’t believe in God, I’m an atheist!” THey had to let me go! Suckers.
Which is better, Dunkin Donuts, Krispy Kreme, or Tim Hortons? Compare and contrast. Please use a #2 pencil, scratch paper is available from the proctor.
You have 30 minutes. Begin.
Josh, that sounds like the Alien Defence in any Star Trek episode: “You ran amok with a Phizzer, killing and maiming a bunch of redshirts. How do you plead?”
“I was taken over by an alien!”
“Well, OK, but don’t let it happen again!”
WTF is Tim Horton?
is EVERYTHING you say ironic, bridgette, or just the tired-ass worn out bullshit you post here?
you really are too stupid to have any type of valuable conversation, aren’t you? for the LAST TIME, ASSHOLE: not believe in one nothing is not the same as believing in nothing. do you understand that?
did anyone see Family Guy on Sunday? it really took on American’s opinions of atheists. You can watch it here:
http://www.hulu.com/watch/64995/family-guy-not-all-dogs-go-to-heaven#s-p1-so-i0
i’m not good enough for God.
bridgette uses old christian apologetic arguments that have been invalidated for, well, practically ever. what a dolt!
Josh, TIm Hortons is a franchise chain like Dunkin Donuts, selling donuts, coffee and a breakfast and lunch menu. They cost a little more than Dunkin Donuts, but are worth it.
http://www.timhortons.com/ca/en/index.html
Do NOT confuse Tim Hortons with Willie Horton.
There are some in Cortland and Syracuse.
there are no tim horton’s in the midwest. but we make due by eating that fine iowa corn.
Mmm-mmm, I bet Bridgette is ready to graze!
so, i’m gonna have to go with krispy kreme.
The difference between Dreamworks and Pixar:
http://www.poe-news.com/forums/sp.php?pi=1001980769
i live near this place for morning yummies. if you can stand all the hippies in the place, it’s pretty good:
http://www.butterbakerycafe.com/Welcome.html
HIPPIES! AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!
Josh,
#129 - Yes, I know the name of every episode. That does make me some kind of loser-fangirl but I don’t care. At least I don’t endlessly fantasize about Mulder and Scully naked and doing the wild thing.
Bridgette, Why are you so dumb? You assume that just because we don’t follow your hypocritical religion that we believe in nothing. You, maam, are a sanctimonious and ignorant cunt-bitch. You make assumptions about our hearts and souls and judge us based on your assumptions and you have no idea that you’re completely clueless.
And since I have no consequences, I’m going to go mock the retarded to their retarded faces and kill a schwaggle of fatty mcfatties. I may also tell the Muslim family that lives down the street that they’re terrorists, then I’ll blow up their house. Ahhh… a day with no consequences is a good day indeed.
Yo,
What say you about this evil tool of Lucifer and his demon-buddies, the conficker worm?
nun’s on a FUPA HUNT!!! it’s a fatty massacre!! a schwaggle jihad!!! DIE, FATFACE, DIE!!!!
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAA!!!!
at first, i thought that knowing the titles of all the x files eps is completely crazy. but then i thought of bands that i love and how i know all the titles to all their songs and it doesn’t seem so ridiculous.
how are things with your nun’s disease, nun?
Nun, luckily we only had one computer affected. I wonder if it was more hype than reality? On the other hand, I wish I had these virus-writing assholes locked in my cellar for a month.
I can name an episode within 30 seconds, maybe even quicker. It’s a skill that I’ve yet figured out how to profit from.
sounds like Nun and Cracka are a perfect couple, if only Cracka’s penis was large enough to get around Nun’s FUPA.
err… a skill that I’ve yet to figure out how to profit from. I learned grammar from Yoda.
Yo, I don’t think 4/1 is really the day of chaos and mayhem. I’ve just been fortunate enough to keep it off my machines…. so far. Knock on wood.
If I looked like some of those women, Josh, I just might kill myself.
again Nun, until I see pictures, I’m not buying it
# 155: “HIPPIES! AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!”
Was that a shoutout to Mr. Crocker?
I have nun’s disease, will somebody send me money? You can make a donation through Paypal. SEND ME MONEY, DAMN IT!!
You just want to see my titties, Josh. You’re the retard, not me.
Nun, if we send money will you set up a titty webcam?
Depends on how much money you send, Yo. These titties are for sale but they’re not cheap.
i thought they were worth a dvd box set of bob ross episodes???
you should have jumped on the offer, nun. no one specified which direction the camera has to be facing. all we would see is you computer screen as you type the word retard 50 times a day.
That’s a grand at that one website, Cracka. I would definitely flash my titties for a grand.
a thousand dollars better get me more than a fleeting glimpse of vericose veins and decaying adipose tissue hanging limply down an aging torso.
Tittycam! Tittycam! And for a grand, I want a downloadable 3D video.
Him dammit! *varicose.
All joking aside, I have lovely breasts. That’s why I have no problem flashing them when I’m drunk and why the gays congregate around to gawk and stare. Ask my burro.
I though Bridgette had given up of this blog.
But she is always around.
If anybody actually sent me a thousand US dollars, they’d probably be allowed to make requests.
so you’ll show us your titties for a case of mad dog?
right. exactly, josh. why spend a thousand dollars when a guy could get you drunk for $4.59 plus tax and see them anyway?
Wow, you really are retarded, Josh.
L,
Bridgette has no meaningful way to spend her time so she sits around here reading God’s Divine and Holy Blog while her fat cunt molds and festers.
What kind of gays do you guys party with? Mad Dog is for black people and white trash.
Hey Nun, have you decided which warm place you’re going to?
How about a sixpack of Bud?
No. I really don’t want to move, L. I like it here. It just may become a necessity at some point. I’ve always wanted to live in Ireland but since it’s the same weather as here… well, that wouldn’t accomplish anything. I like South America and Australia though.
Bud is for white trash too, Yo. Besides, I don’t get drunk and flash on the computer you nimrods.
I’ve fallen and I can’t get it up.
I’ve been drunk while using the computer. I was taking online classes at Phoenix, and joined a virtual fraternity.
Special times, special times
i’m going to market body sprays specifically to frat guys:
virgin vomit
dead hooker
stripper glitter
they’re going to smell like keg beer…
sexy.
Robert Patrick is in talks to be in Terminator 5. Woohoo!! Bring back the T-1000. Woohoo!!
that’s a weird thing to get excited about, nun.
You just lie there, Hume, we’ll send someover to kick, I mean, help you.
Heh, whenever I take returnables to the local redemption center I smell the stale beer and flash back to my fraternity daze.
Best five years of my life.
T-1000 is one of the best villians to ever grace the silver screen, Cracka. Not to mention that the visual effects were groundbreaking at the time. So, yes, I’m excited about the metal man maybe making another appearance.
nun,
1) you say mad dog is for white trash: correct
2) you say you get drunk and whip out our titties at bars
3) white trash whip out their titties
4) therefore you should drink mad dog
my logic is undeniable.
T3 was a piece of trash, if it wasn’t for the nude terminator the movie would have been a total loss
there can be only
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ONE!!!!!!
only 5 more quickening till i get my sac back!!!!
During my wild days I did enjoy a few games of Terminator pinball myself. Man, some mean quarters eater. The multiballs climax is really the shit. Clang. Clang. Run. Hurry. Five. Four. Three. Two. One. Fire! Subject annihilated.
I party with the gays, Josh. That cancels out the white-trashiness. There are white-trash gays but they’re tragic and we generally don’t associate with them. We just make fun of the tragic gays.
I have one question for the Americans.
I remember you said that you don’t like football. I don’t know how but the Americam Female team is one of the best of the world.
So, what is the most popular sport there?
L woman, who said they don’t like football? These boobs argue about it all the time. Nun likes a team that sucks.
She’s talking about football all over the world which is called soccor here, you fucking retard.
Baseball or American Football, L.
I think Cracka said once he doesn’t like it.
err.. soccer… I’m a retard too.
American football is really cool.
Here in Brazil they trying to play American football.
But they suck.
We’re trying to impose American Football on the whole world, L. That’s how we roll here in America.
Whatever happened to the Swedish Bikini Team?
I captured them.
Would you like to, how you say, hire them?
I’ll ‘hire’ them for one weekend. Cracka, bring the booze.
well Nun, if some foreigner wants to talk about soccer then they better say soccer when talking to an American. Don’t fault me because some jungle monkey doesn’t know the rules.
America! Fuck yeah!
Fucking yanks.
These colors don’t run the world, retard!! 
is that what you think nun!?!?!?
USA is the best cover model for the world; true we are propped up by loans from China and powerful Saudis but we have the original McDonalds!!!!
L Woman, is your motorcycle repaired? Have you ridden it since the accident?
I think white people are mortal gods walking this earth and blessing all you fucking dirty minorities with our magnificent presence. That’s what I think, Josh.
order of popularity of sports in america:
football (american)
baseball
basketball
golf
hockey
volleyball
tennis
foosball
roller derby
bowling
beer pong
bocce ball
tetherball
lawn darts
soccer
(unless you’re a kid or a suburban parent)
Nun,
then what do you call the minorities that bang the gods doggie style and splash off in their faces? are they not gods amoung men?
soccer would be waaaaaaaaaaaay better if players didn’t flop and whine like a bunch of pussies. nun probably likes the fact that they celebrate goals by disrobing. and josh, too, because—as we all know—josh is a faggot.
i hate soccer; stupid game played by stupid crackas and the darkies who love them no matter how much their home countries are raped. stupid africans.
HEEEEEEEY!!!
crackas aren’t stupid.
God blessed the darkies with very small brains so they don’t know how much they suck.
Hey Yo Yo.
My motorcycle was repaired. I’m already ridding it.
Folks what about the Soccer World Cup, do you whatch it?
I do love me some April Fool’s day.
Soccer is the most boring game in the universe. How can you sit for two hours watching something when the score winds up being 1-0? And yet, just try getting your meatball order from the Italian deli when there’s a game coming in from satellite. Damn Italians would rather watch their football team than make money!
Watch it?
Stupid monkey
C’mon, the European League is awesome.
You should watch when Manchester United is playing.
Now, LACROSSE on the other hand. Great game! Same theory as soccer, only the guys have better legs and whack each other with sticks, and there’s actually scoring!
Cracka, you also forgot horse racing. Nothing like beating a baby horse to run itself to death for some fat owner who wants his ugly mug on t.v. for five minutes.
Anne, why did you change your avatar?
It was a funny face before, now it’s a cranky face.
L, if you’re going to try to sell us on “football,” you’re going to have as much luck as Bridgette’s had selling us on “Jesus.”
BWWWAAAAAAAHHHAAAHHHAAAA! I miss that avatar! I liked it better! Not only is this one puffy and mean, it’s the same color as Yo Yo’s. Who wants to be the same color as Yo Yo?
L, this was my original avatar here. I ran a C drive cleaner, and it wiped away the red one.
Oh hey, guys. That C drive cleaner also washes away sins. So damn the consequences, full speed ahead!
I wonder if God knows how to restore the goofy pink avatar?
WTF - what’s wrong with blue?
Blue looks good on you, Yo Yo, but it makes me look fat.
And I should know by now that God won’t give me anything I want. He’ll write this octagon in stone, and I won’t even be able to clear my cache and post something else!
He might give you Divine Comment of the day though… that’s something. Personally, I think God has abandoned us for Smash Brothers.
One question
Why the American Football is called footbal if most of the time they have the ball in their hands?
I know they can kick it, but it’s not that much.
the game has changed over time, L. it was originally played more like european rugby with the goal of the game being to run close enough to the uprights to kick it through. hence, the “foot”. sometime in the 1920s a genius named knute rockne realized that this ball, when thrown properly, spirals beautifully. this makes accuracy over long distances possible. the notre dame fighting irish, from the chicago area (south bend, indiana) initiated the forward pass. this made american football the kickass awesomeness of sheer violence and incredible athleticism that it is today.
soccer is played by the poor because all you need is a round object and a ball. if they could afford the equipment for fun sports, they would have played them instead.
thank you for your time.
Great Crack.
Thanks for your explanation.
Great Cracka!
CRAP!
*a round object FOR a ball…and a field.
Himdammit!!!
a round object and a ball? I thought the round object was the ball.
That’s better.
Considering the violence level in some of these countries, the round object could be a head.
L, Cracka forgot the best part about American football. It’s easy as hell to get 3 points, instead of having to run up and down a field for 2 hours just trying to get one!
And every time someone scores, they get 6 points.
Also, the less-than-average American football player could crush the largest, meanest Brazilian football player like a BUG.
Any of you pukes every been up close and personal with an NFL player? I once saw the entire Detroit Lions team walk by. Those dudes could crush rocks with their teeth.
wasn’t that an aztec sport? or was it incan? mayan?
mayan, i think.
friend of mine has season tickets, 50 yd line, five rows behind the vikings bench. you’re like 20 ft from the players. bryant mckinnie (one huge motherfucker) has a pregame ritual of puking in a giant trash can right in front of his seats. it’s awesome.
i always forget how freakishly sized pro athletes are until i’m up close to them. it doesn’t look that hard on tv. i have a good arm, pretty decent reflexes. i could this…until i’m courtside and realize that these guys are all 6′8″ and wicked fast. that’s why i have this stupid job. fuck. why, God, why didn’t you make me 6′7″ 260 lbs and ultra fast???? WHY??????????
my 251 was to yoyo’s 248
soccer is for fagly pusses, unless it’s played with a severed head.
anne’s right about our football players. they are the freakinest of the freaks. it’s also the one sport where we don’t care if they’re on steroids. caught with steroids? don’t care…win. caught beating your wife? don’t care…win. fingers broken? concussion? broken leg? we don’t care…fucking win.
baseball on the other hand is our national past-time, and as such, we are deeply offended when some lowly scrub like barry bonds or mark mcgwire attempts to defile the canonized memories of our beloved heroes like babe ruth or hank aaron by cheating to break records.
we’re hyprcrites. you may have noticed.
Cracka. Do you think NFL players use steroids? O ye of little faith! Every parent is allowed to ask for three wishes for their children, from the fairies. So, some parents ask for their kids to be NFL players. Whereas no one would think of asking for their kid to play MLB.
Fairies always deliver. When Teenzilla was born, I asked that she be:
1. beautiful
2. an academic failure
3. bad-tempered
You gotta believe in fairies, Cracka!
When I played football we wore leather helmets
without face masks and the only negros allowed near
the field were there to fetch us water and hand us
towels.
Negros shouldn’t be trusted around whitey’s water.
I still don’t get the enthusiasm for watching overpriced steroid-apes play a game.
For me, watching football (American) is like drinking gin. I know I shouldn’t like it, but I do.
American football is wicked cool and only fags don’t like it.
I drank gin from the cat’s dish.
I like the cheerleaders shakin’ their pompoms.
Football would be better if the winning team
killed the losers after the game, and at season’s end, there were only two teams left.
Or, there were random landmines throughout the field.
I volunteer to take out Ben Roethlisberger. And by “take out” I mean kill, kill, kill.
Ooo! I like the way you’re talking, Hume! And maybe kamikazi cheerleaders, the refs carry pistols, and the coaches have dynamite-filled backpacks!
I’d watch that.
They could revive the entertainment of feeding Christians to the lions. That would be a great halftime show.
Or we could burn some heretics at the stake! Wow. I would so watch that. If I wasn’t the one on fire.
The lions could feed for a week (or at least two quarters and a commercial break) on Bridgette’s FUPA carcase!
Yes, Yo.
Somewhere in one of the end zones lies a cleverly
concealed snake filled pit.
There’s also got to be some kind of correlation between
field goals and flame throwers.
At some point in the game, players and fans get to lob hand grenades either onto the field or at each other.
Tell me that won’t get some ratings.
yoyo beat me to the fat bridgette joke. damn you, yoyo.
mine would have been something like:
now where are we going to find enough lions to eat bridgette’s fat christian ass?
or, do you have any idea how many lions it would take to eat bridgette???
or, not if bridgette eats the lions first.
yoyo doesn’t like sports. yoyo’s a nerd.
the sports are just a stupid game, yo, we know. but it’s the emotion of an entire city on one play. the roar of the crowd. the tribal feeling of being a fan. it’s a safe, noneffectual outlet for pent up emotion. just let go of your emotions after the game, or else you’ll be one of those people. we all know those people. they’re called “philadelphians”. also, don’t hero worship jocks. they’re just jocks, for fuck’s sake.
Lions like their meat lean, boneheads. Bridgette would not have to worry about the lions if she could keep her judgmental mouth shut but alas, she cannot and the lions would maul her just to shut her the fuck up.
err… she “can not”, not “cannot”. FUCK!!
Josh’s retarded ways have tainted me with stupidity. Damn you, you fucking retard!! DAMN YOU!! 
MOTHER FUCKER!!
That wasn’t supposed to be all bold. 
I need chiba.
haha! the lions would get so annoyed by her self-righteous, ignorant blathering that they would be forced into a mauling frenzy. bridgette brays like a donkey…a fat, stupid, god-bot donkey.
ben, shut up.
the rest of you…continue fucking off like fucking off is going out of style.
said, bitches.
Once again Cracka earns divine comment of the day.
The Philadelphia tribal wail is “BOOOOOOOO!”
If lions were eating Christians from Dallas, Philly fans would find some reason to boo.
Agreed, God. But don’t let it go to his dick.
check out this 3-D movie I made for you guys:
http://www.xtranormal.com/watch?e=20090401194911209
i suck at it.
HAHAHA!! That was actually funny, Ben. I especially like my angry face. Good job, man. But shouldn’t I be wearing a habit?
and shouldn’t she have insulted cracka’s small dick?
Ben, welcome to the world of film-making, where everyone’s a critic!
Maybe you should have stuck with the director’s cut.
HAHAHA! That was funny, Ben!
I had to try my hand at it: http://www.xtranormal.com/watch?e=20090402085542110
hahaha! good work yo.
i’m gonna have a lot of fun with that site.
i’m not funny.
Hehe, how did you find that site, Ben? And yeah, looks like it will be fun!
friend sent it to me.
i have one friend.
Ben totally got my character wrong as there’s no way I’d fuck Cracka but I still like my angry face.
ok here’s on starring our favorite church-bitch:
http://www.xtranormal.com/watch?e=2009040210410090
ha ha!!!! Great job Ben!!!!
Thanks for not shutting up on that one.
Here’s one for our Benny.
http://www.xtranormal.com/watch?e=20090402114056499
hahaha. well played Nun. and thanks Josh!
stupid damn work has kept me too busy to create my masterpiece starring dr lerbwoman. damn you, work!!! somebody else can do it. i’ve got humans to torture.
C’mon Cracka, do it!
I’d rather see Lerbwoman’s POV in a movie
about motorcycles, Brazilian waxes,
and Cracka being drunk.
Or Cracka torturing his loyal subjects.
Also, I don’t care about quickenings.
ONE!!!
ha ha 4 more to go till my sac is back!
hume, i need a director.
i’m thinking exotic:
brazilian
illicit drug use
monkey sex
add motorcycles, Cracka
no motorcycles,
only the TRUTH:
http://www.xtranormal.com/watch?e=20090402125745454
says it’s rendering, you may need to wait a minute
Wow. It’s a damn shame you’re not funny, Cracka.
it’s a damn shame you’re such a dumb whore that you sometimes forget to poop before buttsex.
it’s like the brazilian dr. phil, nun. important advice for people who need to change their lives. people with poopy dicks.
Like I said, it’s a damn shame you’re not funny. That might have been worth the 10 seconds I wasted if you were.
um. ok. so. yeah.
anyone have anything non-bitchy to say?
Here’s one for God who gets jiggy with it at the end.
Somebody make up a compliment for Cracka before he cries.
i didn’t realize it was a contest. shit, i guess i’ll use effort next time. jebus h, nun’s kind of mean.
Don’t look at my homage to God yet. I have to fix the part about the size of His Divine Penis.
I don’t think it’s a contest, Cracka but what’s the point if it’s just dumb? And I’ve always been mean, if you’re just now figuring that out then your brain is as big as your penis.
True in every way to my abilities with a computer, here’s my effort:
http://www.xtranormal.com/watch?e=20090402133910380
God’s Penis size is fixed…
http://www.xtranormal.com/watch?e=20090402133827986
Don’t follow the link in 311, follow the link in 317. If I wasn’t retarded like Josh, I would have known to edit instead of remix.
look, i’m busy as shit today. i’ll put forth a more film festival worthy piece of “art” later.
i think cracka’s was great!
i also think Nun’s movie for God was great too. I even liked Anne’s movie in the holodeck. these are all entertaining as fuck.
Ben, you forgot to insult yourself.
I had no idea what I was doing, which is business as usual for me on the computer. But I think the part of Hume Cronyn was played with particular panache.
Nun better get some chiba for putting all that work into her God vid.
Nun and Cracka discuss her disease. http://www.xtranormal.com/watch?e=20090402141721729
LOL!! Classic, Yo!! Classic!
Here’s one for my dearest Josh.
http://www.xtranormal.com/watch?e=20090402142824186
LMFAO! The stuff sounds so funny being spoken!
http://www.xtranormal.com/watch?e=20090402143607828
LOL
funny funny shit!
LOL! Love the arm-waving, very ching-chong durr!
GAH!! I’m fucking dying here! This shit is fucking hilarious.
That’s karate, Yo. Josh loves him some kung-fu fighting but they didn’t have kung-fu.
Love the little smile on Dr. Lerbwoman’s face when he asks if he can suck your dick.
ha ha Nun! I like that you made me a seventies blacksploitation cliche!
hahhahahaha!
yoyo nailed it.
josh did too.
LOL, Ching chong durr karate!
and to think all this fun is because of Ben!!!!! The world is a different place now.
As far as I’m concerned, a black man has not embraced his heritage if he doesn’t have a fro. So I gave you a fro, homie.
.
.
.
Even though you’re not really black but a retarded Asian guy.
Him dammit, we’ve all wasted valuable time and lowered productivity!
As far as I’m concerned, Ben has redeemed himself for being fat, ugly, unlikable and a virgin.
God, Would You be a Divine Darling and remove post 311 please? I deleted the video so it will just confuse some of Your followers as some of them are fucking retarded. Thanks for considering my humble request, O Studly One.
Agreement. Ben, this may be the start of a beautiful friendship.
Yours makes me laugh so hard I cry, Yo. Cracka’s and my bantering is fucking funny and all you half-wits should consider yourself blessed that you get to witness it.
I will reconsider my opinion of Ben if he makes a flattering movie starring Nun!
Use your wits, Ben, and team her with a co-star she’ll adore.
i agree with, nun. i was L-O-fucking-L to yoyo’s video. i vote it #1 so far.
i don’t get a vote?
fuck.
i have an hour and a half to come up with something good and these stupid “patients” just won’t leave me alone with their whining bullshit, “i have cancer, waaaaaaaah”
“maybe God gave you cancer because he hates you. you ever think of that, idiot?”
I don’t know if he can, Anne. While he got the “I AM NOT A WHORE” down right, he thought I would actually ask Cracka if he’s going to fuck me which means he has very little understanding about my character. Besides, I’m not sure I’d want Ben to flatter me… that might give me the heebie-jeebies.
check this out! its rendering so give it a second.
http://www.xtranormal.com/watch?e=20090402151836462
OMG! I laughed so hard, someone asked me if I was OK!
Shut. The. Fuck. Up.
Best rendered line ever.
I had to pick today to try to get some work done at home!
LOL!! Poor Ben. Still a loser.
Here’s one for Anne and Teenzilla: http://www.xtranormal.com/watch?e=20090402152009654
Josh, love how ben looks at the camera in the last scene - much pathos in his gaze.
right, yoyo. he sold that scene.
my boss came up behind me.
“what’s so funny?”
“nothing.”
“are you laughing at cartoons?”
“um…yes.”
busted.
http://www.xtranormal.com/watch?e=20090402152740825
cracka,
here’s a music video by your people about your type of issues
http://www.atom.com/funny_videos/white_problems/
We’re all gonna get fired for laughing. Way to go, Ben!!
HOLY FUCKING SHIT HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
well thanks! but I didn’t make the site or anything, I just got it sent to me. you guys are making some funny ass videos.
shutting up now.
Slightly edited (sound effects) Anne and Teenzilla: http://www.xtranormal.com/watch?e=20090402153517102
Of course I do. God loves me, even if He forgets that sometimes.
i think we crashed the cartoon site.
i was on my last Effing edit and the site went down. i’m going home. if anyone is in burnsville, mn tonight and wants to listen to my band mixed in with a bunch of black metal bands form norway stop by the 1200 club. no?
in that case, fuck off.
Fuck - I had a good Josh routine worked up.
aha! i had ten minutes and finished one!
it’s for anne freaking johnson. could be funnier, but whatevs!
http://www.xtranormal.com/watch?e=20090402162840784
peace out, bitches
http://www.xtranormal.com/watch?e=20090402162718754
it’s being rendered.
i’m out.
funny shit today.
looks like cracka and I are on the same page.
holy shit, josh! you’re good at this. must be the professional comedian-ness.
OMG! ARE YOU DUDES TRYING TO GET ME FIRED???
Still, funny as God on a bender.
nah, it’s the money I wasted on film school.
$8k so I can make funny online cartoons.
college loan SMITE!!!!!
BWAHAHAHAHA!! I’m gonna die from laughing.
http://www.xtranormal.com/watch?e=2009040216595416
Nun tries to help cracka get a penis.
I’m gonna die from starvation if anyone thinks I’m telling my students that Jesus is stupid. Even if it’s true as the day is long, I would NEVER say it to my students. On the other hand, where’s the unicorn I get to fuck?
HIM DAMN! These just keep getting funnier and funnier!
So you film school debtors can chew on this. Ever since my hip replacement, I’ve been exercising in the swimming pool. Which means water aerobics. Which is another way of describing a hippo wallow of mammoth proportions.
Every FUPA in the county comes to exercise in the damn classes. I’m the thinnest one by at least 100 pounds — and that includes the teacher — she prob weighs about 300. SERIOUSLY.
There’s a lady there with blonde hair who convulsively clutches a WWJD pin on her circus tent … err … swimsuit. Could it be Bridgette?
Must be scary when then they all jump in the watering hole at once- “Tidal wave! Run away!”
FUPAs float (fat is lighter than water), so if you are ever on a cruise ship and it sinks, kill one and use her body for a PFD.
I think #84 is my water aerobics instructor.
Fuck. I cannot even believe I take fuckin water aerobics. It’s like the blue badge of hopeless geezerdom.
Seriously when they all get to bobbing up and down it displaces water from the pool.
CAN’T DO IT!!!! Where’s my beach volleyball?
Swear to Him, if FUPA is contagious, I’m in big fuckin trouble.
Not sure if it’s contagious, although they do seem to travel in swaggles.
I, personally, go to the local Big Man’s Shop, it’s great for my ego. The clerks (all overweight) hate it when I come in: “Look, it’s the Twig!” “Smalls are at the back of the store, toothpick!”
Anne,
Did you really have your hip replaced?
She’s talked about it before, retard. That’s why she had all those killer drugs.
Cracka and God discuss sports.
http://www.xtranormal.com/watch?e=20090402180753916
Nun,
I thought she was joking, going along with the whole “Anne is a dinosaur” theme. Who knew she was actually old? In her pics she looks like she is not in her breaking a hip age.
She’s not old, she just says she is. According to her Facebook, she is only 4 years older than I am and I’m not old, DAMN IT!!
I don’t think she broke a hip because of old age but because of her rough sex with the unicorns.
The Faerie Prince put a spell on my hip when I wouldn’t fuck Him.
Seriously, it went bad on me while I was pretty young for such stuff. When I joined this band of Merry Pranksters back in September, I was just in recovery from the surgery.
The surgeon was so fucking gorgeous, I can’t even tell you. And he gave out Valium like it was candy. Valium! Hadn’t seen that in years. The ultimate recreational prescription.
holy shit….
You want to be a little bit more specific there, Herbman or are you just doing a running commentary on God’s Divine Bathroom Habits?
Grrrrr
I have a mother fucking video that’s been rendering for over a mother fucking half hour!! 
Render, mother fucker, render! 
They lost my movie and I had to redo it. Is this even funny?
http://www.xtranormal.com/watch?e=20090402203125946
YoYo that was hilarious…I love taking people’s comments and directly using them. That’s what I did with that Bridgette one.
I like that you made Jesus have a British accent Nun. these are all funny.
Excellent work My children! I enjoyed all of these little movies and a few of them even gave Me a slight chuckle.
After much consideration, Divine Comment of the Day goes to Josh.
Ben - What Nun says is true, you have redeemed yourself today and there is a chorus of Angels rejoicing in Heaven for you. However you are still required to insult yourself at the end of every comment.
Thanks for being a Divine Darling, God.
God reminds ben that he’s ben…
http://www.xtranormal.com/watch?e=20090402235922728
Thank you Lord for granting me the divine comment of the day.
awesome Nun. great stuff.
Here is my tribute to George Carlin:
http://www.xtranormal.com/watch?e=20090402234035622
Ben,
Thanks for bringing the Xtra Files
site into all our lives!
http://www.xtranormal.com/watch?e=20090403033327832
So, does anyone have a Complete Waste of Time rendered and ready to go?
Nun, Ben and Tony, well done!
Nun was talking about the Terminator. Here’s a link to his missing penis: http://i.gizmodo.com/5177186/this-belly-button-ring-is-not-an-alien-appendage-nsfw
what’s a Complete Waste of Time?
THERE CAN BE ONLY
My salute to Monty Python: http://www.xtranormal.com/watch?e=2009040309540251
ONE!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monty_Python’s_Complete_Waste_of_Time
Where is everyone today??
I just woke up!!!!!
I had a late show last night, and a crying baby this morning.
I needed that quickening, I still have no sac.
i had a show last night, too.
i didn’t get to sleep it off, though.
stupid jaeger-bombs.
Been there, done that, Josh. It’s tiring, today I look back on it and say, “How did we survive?”
Cracka, will you be on your best form, and develop some movies?
you guys have these guys in your cities, towns, cornfields too?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4JMOh-cul6M
hopefully, this afternoon i will have some time. i was laughing my self to sleep last night thinking of scripts. hope i can remember them later.
We don’t have anything like that guy in the video, cracka. Guess I’ll have to visit Noo Jersey to see one in its native habitat.
those guys are in NYC for sure, but they are always in Staten Island and by default the Jersey Shore come summer. Jersey sucks because of all those douches who go there in the summer.
the best part is the gym grunts. those guys crack me up. “everybody needs to see how jacked and tan i am.”
“ima grind every piece of pussy that walks through that door tonight, all right. fuckin’ grind ‘em until my dick falls off.”
that’s what happened to me. yep, too much pussy-grindin’.
I want to watch the videos but I can’t do it here.
Everybody is having a lot of fun.
I’ll watch them saturday.
for the first time in the history of the world we can truly say——way to go, iowa.
http://www.cnn.com/2009/POLITICS/04/03/iowa.same.sex/index.html
Quiet today.
…too quiet.
it’s an eery silence. like the stifling blackness down in the bowels of nun’s vagina…yes, her vagina has bowels.
Gawd, cracka, thanks for that mental image! Hurf!
…all you can hear are muffled cries for help, and a distant drip/splash…
The shadows where the Mewlips dwell
Are dark and wet as ink,
And slow and softly rings their bell,
As in the slime you sink.
You sink into the slime, who dare
To know upon their door,
While down the grinning gargoyles state
And noisome waters pour.
Did J.R.R. Tolkein meet Nun?
Him dammit! ‘Know’ should be ‘knock’!
I have created My First Divine Film.
Awesome! Amazing! I had a leperous co-worker watch, he was healed!
ha ha God! Great one.
Thanks for allowing me to be Your Ed McMahon
Hey God,
Just a suggestion; I was at a show last night and tried to load Your divine blog using my mobile device. What I noticed is Your page is not set up for that, and all the kids are using their iPhones and Blackberrys to look at the internet.
God,
Are You going to punish ben for ignoring Your demand to insult himself at the end every post?
Nun,
snitches get stitches
Who gives a fuck.
Yo Yo! Fuckin A! That gym in #408 is an LA Fitness! It looks just like the one I go to in South Jersey! For a minute I thought it might be the same one.
Josh, do they have LA Fitness in NY?
Except for the FUPAs who do aqua-aerobics, my gym is packed with the most studly dudes ever blessed with studliness by the Tree Gods.
Nun, I hit the thrift shop during a 30-minute special. I got four blouses and two pullovers for $7.00.
So did ben.
Anne, did you see that the UFO hoaxers were busted? Back in January, they released some helium balloons with road flares attached.
I’m sorry I forgot to insult myself God!
i’m just such a worthless dumb fuck that i forgot!
i suck dick for a living and i eat shit and die all the time!
i’m fucking retarded!
Yes, yes, we know all that! Please insult yourself!
I was just reading about the balloon hoax. We have so many highly intelligent people in this state, I marvel when a select few do something illegal.
Teenzilla wants to go to the junior prom with her new boyfriend. Teenzilla’s a freshman. I said yes, because if she gets pregnant now, her kid will be close enough in age to Josh’s kid that they can be friends.
Unlike all those fine Christian families out there, especially those in Alaska, my home has a strict “no consequences for bad behavior” policy. No daughter of mine is going to reach the age of 21 without a lengthy rap sheet!
commendable, johnson. the faeirieese must be proud.
Happy hour! Where are we going today? One bourbon. One scotch. One beer.
Teenzilla would think that guy in #408 is hot.
you better lock teenzilla in her room for a few years then.
daughter-FACE!
my sperm is weak.
Ben, I’d have to agree. I’ve seen your sperm struggling to swim downstream. All three of them.
i finally caught up on the films.
i like the laugh track at the end of God’s show.
sperm-FACE!!!
warning: use extreme caution when using the term “spermface”.
I like the way God gave himself a British accent. Who the fuck is he kidding? He’s a Middle Eastern Jew. He probably really sounds like the guy up at the Mini-Mart.
Ben, in # 432, are you writing your own lines for us?
http://www.xtranormal.com/watch?e=20090403171225885
You know what’s more pathetic than Ben’s sperm? Me. I’m contemplating making a stiff gin & tonic and watching Dr. Phil.
Fucking pathetic.
Could be worse, Anne. You could be contemplating making ben a stiff one, and drinking…
GAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!! *hack*
Dr. Phil never looked better.
that’s the saddest comment amount dr phil i’ve ever heard.
“you know, he’s old and goofy looking. but this is it. this is as good as he’s ever looked. poor dr phil.”
You know Dr. Phil is paying that good-looking woman to pretend to be his wife. No way would she fuck that pompous baldo.
It does not matter how ugly, toad-like, or disgusting a man appears. If he’s rich, he can have any woman he wants - the prettier the better.
Didn’t Donald Trump’s wife say something about that? When asked if she would marry Donald if he was poor, she replied, “Would he have married me if I wasn’t beautiful?”
I guess I’ll die poor, b/c no amount of money would induce me to fuck either Donald Trump or Dr. Phil.
Wait.
If they paid me up front and slipped me a date-rape drug, I’d be fine with it.
I’m so hungry I could eat tripe.
i’d let donald trump and dr. phil fuck me at the same time for a million dollars.
possibly even for 500K.
Now think about this for a minute, Ben. What is your brain worth? You might be rich, but engraved in your mind would be the experience of a threesome with the loathesomes. Could you live with that?
You watch Ben’s baby batter?
And look! You forgot to insult yourself again! Doggone it, boy, I have more to do on a Friday night than to remind you to insult yourself! Do you HEAR me????
#458: WTF?
In re: something about watching Ben’s spooge
swim somewhere.
whatever - I’m old and tired and ready for vodka.
Did like the little movie, though.
Sucking the blood out of fat people.
nice image
Or was it sucking the fat out of fat people?
either way
I bet fat people have fat, slow moving blood.
It’s like you went for the blood and got the fat as part of the bargain. Hey, don’t blame me, you said you liked fat vampire boys. I figured you were talking about yourself.
I said I wish I was a fat vampire.
That would be awesome.
As for fat vampire boys, I guess they’re OK.
I’m non-partisan on that issue.
Oh. My bad! You wish you were a fat vampire. As opposed to a geezer zombie with no flesh left on your loins.
Correct.
I have drastically improved My First Divine Film.
Thank You Lord,
For setting the bar so high.
Ummm… was that a Divine Fart?
It was His Flatulence.
I think it’s funny that God perceives Himself to have a British accent. It’s probably because a British accent sounds refined and dignified.
That British accent is phony. God is imitating the Tree Gods, who really are British. God’s from the Middle East, or maybe what is now Iran and Iraq. God is a Holy Terrorist.
The flatulence was authentic. I felt a blast of hot air.
SILENCE! I ACTUALLY HAVE A BRITISH ACCENT! YOU GOT A FUCKING PROBLEM WITH THAT?!
I have adapted My first divine hate-post into 3D.
Hey God, don’t you mean the British people
have a God accent?
I’m guessing since You pre-exist the United Kingdom
that means the Brits decided to adopt your diction
and tonality.
That question most likely lacked humility
in its delivery, Sir.
My bad.
I’ve often wondered what You sound like.
I’m thinking a British Gene Hackman, if You will.
Or Alec Guiness.
A query, Sir: Your favorite actor?
Praise to The Lord!
http://www.xtranormal.com/watch?e=20090405060332467
Respectfully, God, I have a problem with your British accent. If you had a British accent, so would Jesus. And everybody knows, from attending pageants, that Jesus talks like a white trash hillbilly. Don’t give yourself airs!
Otherwise, the content of your message was acceptable. It reveals your personality.
Tony’s was good too. But I’m not giving up my Liquor Barn credit.
Anne,
Your argument that if God had a british accent then Jesus would too makes no sense. Every immigrant I know who has an accent, their kids don’t. Jesus grew up in the middle east so his accent would be different from Gods.
Also the tree gods who live in Jersey have British accents? fagetaboutit.
We probably shouldn’t give God a bad time about His Divine British accent. First, He’ll smite us and I don’t want Him to smite me. Second, we’ll look just as retarded as those mortals who say other mortals are phony for picking up an accent. Three examples come to mind and every single one of them will irritate Cracka so here we go… Gillian Anderson… BAH!! she lived there as a child and learned to speak there - clearly not phony; Gwyneth Paltrow… she lives there with her British and hot husband who used to look gay and who secretly dreams of me every night - probably not phony; Madonna… ummm… well… my gays will crawl out of the woodwork to kill me in a most heinous manner if I speak ill of Madonna so let’s just forget about Madonna.
I like Tony’s video but how the fuck do you cure camel toe?? I always thought it was something simple like change your fucking pants but I wonder if Tony has something more sinister in mind.
Nun,
Sinister Camel Toe … Hah!
Are you a lefty?
How very conceited of you Americans to assume I speak as you do. Well the truth is - I speak with whatever accent I please in whatever language I choose. For the purposes of these videos, I have chosen the preset British accent, mostly because all the others sound atrocious.
God said: “How very conceited of you Americans…”
Duh, God. Americans… helloooo.
In reality, we know You have some weird accent from Heaven that none of us has ever heard and You probably speak very poor Engrish.
Tony,
I do not understand the perversion implied in your question. Does it have something to do with one of my tits being bigger than the other.
Another minor quibble, God. Shouldn’t You be speaking Latin? In fact, shouldn’t this whole Divine Blog be in Latin? There are plenty of Roman Catholics who would dispute the gravity of Your pronouncements because You lack the correct lingo.
In nomine Padre, et Fili, et Spiritus Sancti, Amen.
(Not bad for a tree-fucker, eh?)
Nun,
Left-handed guys’ junk goes right,
and vice-versa, didn’t you know?
It has a lot to do with the grip.
Perhaps the same is true with camel toes?
A bit more lip on one side than the other, hmm?
Anne,
Didn’t anyone tell you that
Latin is a dead language?
Here’s one for you …
http://www.xtranormal.com/watch?e=20090406020952806
can u destroy this… site… they are using Gods name in vain…
Would it be ok if I borrowed a bit of your template design for my own website? I always ask first! Thanks!