In this monthly feature, The Almighty first answers a few of the many questions He has recently received. Afterwards, mortals will be given the awesome opportunity to ask God one question. If The Lord is feeling generous, He may actually answer.
Illiterate Brazilians
QUESTION #1:
Thiago: Hi God, is it possible to you just make my band famous around the world? Something like more than Beatles was, ok? Thanks! And please, bless all brazilian beautiful people!!!
GOD: While technically I could, I’m not going to because I hate your music. You suck. Quit that shit! I put you on Earth to be a waiter. Accept it already.
QUESTION #2:
Babi Snake: Dear God, I’m here just to ask You…Can You make all the guys that I tottally think are H-O-T want to fuck me ??? Thank You!!!
GOD: Again, I could, but I’m not going to. Sorry bitch! But you know how it goes. Bros before hoes.
QUESTION #3:
Anonymous: Dear GOD, why the hell i have a small dick?? Can you make me rich instead of a poor guy that don’t have money to buy a bread???
GOD: You have a small dick because I love you. This is also why you are poor. I am testing your faith, and will continue to do so for as long as you live.
QUESTION #4:
Dhiogo: Dear God, some people say: “Clapton is god”.He is you too, like Jesus? Did you play guitar too? You hate Rock n’ roll, what about blues?
GOD: No I don’t play guitar you moron! I hate rock and roll and I hate the blues too! AND I HATE YOU FOR ASKING STUPID QUESTIONS!
QUESTION #5:
RudyBomba: God, have you lost you dog? I think on lady found it:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=liSseCH6_p8
GOD: No, that is not My Dog, but I do love it for hating Satan. I think I’ll have it attack a baby and get shot by the police so I can have it by My Side.
QUESTION #6:
Cuir Vargas: Dear Allmighty Lord, did you make me gay?
GOD: Yes, I did, but only to test your faith. If you love Me you will fight your attraction to men and choose a life of abstinence. I suggest becoming a priest.
QUESTION #7:
L Woman: Dear Lord, why did you had to make girls so damn good? Why I just can’t take women out of my head? Is it Satan work?
GOD: No, it’s all good. Enjoy women and fist away. Just keep your fist away from her anus.
Illiterate Americans
QUESTION #8:
Bruno: Dear God, what do you think about Oprah? She’s almost as powerful as you are. Notice that I said *almost*. Please leave me alive.
GOD: No, I will not let you live for this.
QUESTION #9:
Yif: Damn God, don’t you just hate being God? Is that what this is all about?
GOD: HELL NO! I fucking love being Me! It’s super-fucking-awesome! I just hate all the dumb shit I have to put up with sometimes! Like YOU!
QUESTION #10:
Ukihar: Dear God, are you an atheist? Thank you!
GOD: No! You moron. I have the utmost belief in Myself and My Supreme Abilities.
QUESTION #11:
Anne Johnson: Dear God the Bother, if there’s only 144,000 seats in heaven, will anyone from West Virginia get there? I have family in that state, and they all go to church.
GOD: Yes, there will be a couple hundred or so from there. Not your family though.
QUESTION #12:
Tony Snow: Dear God, what’s the deal on Friday the 13th? I know lots of folks who think thirteen is unlucky due to that bad experience with Judas and Your Son at that big dinner party. I don’t understand if there was some sort of “fortune” involved, or divine intervention, or just politics as usual. Just wondering …
GOD: Jesus was crucified on Friday the 13th. And even thought that’s what we wanted and planned for, 13 is a Satanic number. It is to be avoided at all costs!
QUESTION #13:
OkiJohn: Dear God, was Ben Franklin right when he said that beer is proof that You love us and want us to be happy, or should I stick to tequila?
GOD: No, he was not right. In addition to being a blasphemous atheist bastard, author and printer, satirist, political theorist, politician, scientist, inventor, masturbator, civic activist, statesman, and diplomat, he was a raging alcoholic. He also trafficked loose women on the streets of Philadelphia.
QUESTION #14:
Master Shake: Dear God, what’s the deal with people who believe that the world is flat when You clearly made the world round?
GOD: These people are clearly idiots, and so are you. I didn’t make the world flat or round. I made it an oblate spheroid!
Gene on 
ronpaulcandidate on 
jetaDeelp on 
Nun Ur Damned Bizness on 
The Ender on 
Dear God,
I would like to know if this passage in the King James Version of the bible ….
Ezekiel 23:19-20 (King James Version)
19Yet she multiplied her whoredoms, in calling to remembrance the days of her youth, wherein she had played the harlot in the land of Egypt.
20For she doted upon their paramours, whose flesh is as the flesh of asses, and whose issue is like the issue of horses.
….was translated correctly in the New International Version…..
19 Yet she became more and more promiscuous as she recalled the days of her youth, when she was a prostitute in Egypt.
20 There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.
<3 SSV
Dear God,
Do all porn stars go to heaven?
Dear God,
Is that Brazilian a woman,
or just another she-male?
Always curious,
Your Worshipful Tony
That woman is an international model you moron
God your worshipper Tony can’t differ a woman from a man. That’s kinda strange isn’t it?
Dear God,
What’s the deal with Curtis? I know why he left us, but is he right or are we right?
Amen.
I’m surprised God doesn’t clean up the posts He receives from the grammatically challenged. It makes God’s followers look ignorant and uneducated… oh… wait…
4-raoni, not recognizing “international models” is not what makes someone a moron. misusing the term “moron” IS what makes someone a moron, you moron.
word to what he said. ^
Seniorita Sal Vation - Yes that is correct. She craved monster cock. It’s all in the Bible exactly as I intended it.
Bei Shen - It depends on whether or not they went to church.
Tony Snow - That brazilian is a shemale, who has tricked her way into being an international super model.
Raoni - No, it’s not strange. She’s fooled everyone with her female disguise. Even you!
Ben - I am having Curtis’ partner deported in a week (to test his faith). Do not take his departure too personally, he is lashing out at everyone right now. It is at this juncture that he cannot handle the word ‘fag,’ even if he knows no one here hates fags.
I think Bridgette hates the fags. I think she hangs out at their funerals with the Phelps crew.
I think Bridgette only hates herself.
Bridgette hates everybody which makes it impossible to love herself.
I think she hates everyone and then tells herself she loves everyone.
i think she hates thin, beautiful women who aren’t mentally enslaved and sexually repressed.
and her own children.
I feel bad for Bridgette’s children. I know what it’s like to be raised by someone like her.
Why, God?? WHY?? Why did You have to kill these handsome darkies?
http://cbs13.com/national/missing.boaters.2.2.947582.html
Dear Sky Father;
Since we’re told that we can only enter the Kingdom of God by accepting Jesus into our hearts, what happened to the Jews who were already in Heaven when He died? Did You throw them all out, or were they grandfathered in? Did You tell Moses “You can stay, but, sorry, all of your descendants will burn in the lake of fire from now on. Nothing personal, but rules are rules”?
Dear God,
Thank You for answering my question. And thank You for letting me know that my family won’t get into heaven. They have been tithing thousands to their churches over the years. Now they can just save the money and go to the Mothman festival, as they’ve always dreamed of doing.
http://www.mothmanfestival.com/
The Mothman is so fucking cool. There was an X-Files episode that mentioned the Mothman.
I would so do the Mothman and have his caterpillars.
Well, you’re a strange tree-fucker so that doesn’t really surprise me, Anne.
The Mothman looks like stuff white people like.
It looks like God has changed His Divine Post to reference the illiteracy of His followers. Why are Brazillians and Americans so stupid? And when did all the Brazillians show up anyway?
the brazillians have always been here. It’s only in the last few months that they saved up their drug money and got workign keyboards and learned english.
Brazillians must be pretty smart then, English is one of the hardest languages to learn. Although they seem to have learned it as well as you did so maybe that’s why it didn’t take them very long.
you know what’s stupid?
futbol.
I’m with you on that, Cracka. It’s like watching someone knit a sweater.
I thought Chinese was the hardest to learn. Ching chong danny devito.
Nun - I had to smite them because I dislike them.
Bill the Splut - No, it is not true that the only way to enter the Kingdom of Me is by accepting Jesus into your heart. That’s bullshit.
Nun - The Brazilians showed up when My Divine Blog was recently featured on one of the most popular blogs in Brazilia. They love Me down there.
Stop bragging, God. Brazillians love to eat parrots too.
Josh, Please note that I said English is one of the hardest languages to learn. Retard!!
Thanks, God. I do know that the Brazillians love them some God and Jesus. They have a huge, million foot Jesus to scare the sin out of the heathens.
Brazillians never saw a tree they didn’t want to cut down. Figures they’re all for God.
Nun, please note I said that I thought Chinese was the hardest to learn and in no way mentioned your comment of English being one of the hardest. The statement I made was not mutually exclusive to the statement you made. Perhaps you could not hear the logic in my statement over the sound your vagina was making.
CURTIS!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Hey, God, the poison ivy smite you laid on me today during a snowstorm is positively brilliant! I’m wretched. I know that will please you.
Anne,
How the hell do you get poison ivy in the winter time in NJ? Are you growing it in your house or something?
God, if you’re all that, you’ll reverse your shitty decision to make Curtis suffer. It won’t strengthen his faith. It will only make the food in his cafeteria look really, really good as a stress reliever.
Josh, we Druids rarely do any gardening, but I pulled up some ivy on Saturday so that my daffodills could bloom. Who knew that hidden among the English ivy there lurked the dread, dead menace.
God knew! He did an end run around my garden faeries and smited me with poison ivy in the fvckin wintertime!
I am not allergic, so I’ve always wanted to gather up a bunch of the stuff into a big pile, then light it on fire. The smoke cloud would give the allergic suckers an itch everywhere.
I’m in no mood for God today!
My dad got smoked by poison ivy once and was bedridden for three weeks. His eyes swelled shut. MORE PROOF YOU CAN’T PLEASE THIS ASSHOLE GOD! My dad never missed church! Except for when he was LAID UP WITH POISON IVY.
I am in no mood for God.
God’s top disciple HATES HIM!!!!!
Anne,
God is everywhere and in everyone. By hating Him you are only hating yourself.
I hate Ben, but not the part of Ben that is God.
I HATE YOU TOO BITCH!
Are you enjoying the ironic nature smite I laid upon you Anne?
Enjoy the itching! Doesn’t it just burn on your skin? Doesn’t it just feel wonderful to itch it? Itch away! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
I love God. He makes me horny when I think about His Divine Package.
I’m thinking about his Divine Package too, but rather more in the way of kicking the shit out of it.
Anne,
Please don’t hurt God’s Divine Weiner.
IRONIC SMITE! holy shit! nice work God!
I believe in You more and more every day….
Anne,
God could not create a boot large enough to kick Him in the balls and make it hurt.
God,
Why does everyone hate me?
because we can feel you’re a follower, and you keep changing your profile pic. That’s effing annoying!
I’m a follower of what now? I don’t change my profile pic that often, and it’s always to something good, like dramatic prairie dog.
Ben, if you keep the rodent profile pic, I promise I’ll try not to hate you.
ARGHGHGHAGHA! THE ITCH! THE ITCH!
It’s like a yeast infection on steroids.
God hasn’t met with my cowboy boots yet. They ain’t made for walkin.
Anne,
you may have a steal tipped cowboy boot, but God has an Adamantium penis.
shut up, ben.
josh-34-the sound her vagina is making!! ha!!
now….fuck off.
Ben,
Did I say follower? I meant to say it’s easy to get you worked up. No one (well at least not me) hates you, but out of all the peope on this blog you would respond to someone saying they do (Well Anne would too, but in a different way, like how her an MRF fight when he shows up here)
I’m going for the Holy Stones, and I don’t mean Stonehenge!
new episode of Heroes tonight. They try to save Daphne!!!
did anyone here watch Farscape? (Nun that is directed at you?) Trying to decide if I should rent the series.
I SERIOUSLY hope MRF doesn’t stick his ugly beak onto this thread tonight.
Did you summon me? Do you need my services?
Summoning SMITE!!!
I didn’t summon you, but would you please hold a mirror so God can look into it and DAMN HIMSELF???
Oozing poison ivy blisters with 6 inches of new snow outside! FVCK ME!
No, Josh. I didn’t watch Farscape but I know a few X-File fans who seemed to enjoy it.
Speaking of sci-fi, I’ve decided to return to my original opinion of the new Battlestar Galactica. That show sucks bunghole!
Gonna go plunge my arm into a snowbank until it freezes the fvck off. However, I am not too proud to admit that God did hurl a pretty good ironic smite on me. The Tree Gods will avenge!
Dear God,
Thank you for answering my question in such a timely manner. I have become quite a fan of Bridgette and have decided to research scripture for her that she might enjoy.
As for the rest of you, you are as silly a bunch of tards as I’ve ever read. My kind of people. You’ve made me laugh and laugh and have also made it seem like it might be fun to join in and hate Ben.
<3 SSV
WTF?!
Senorita Sal Vation is actually a Senor, i can spot a tranny a mile away.
Ben, I’m kidding.
Josh, AM NOT!!!!
God, for calling me an idiot, I hereby declare STRIKE TWO!!!!!
You’re on your final warning.
master shake is on strike 48.
God’s called you an idiot at least 5 times before shake.
And God smited him when he was Iambetterthanyou. I think he was the one that got his ass kicked by a moose.
same dude.
SSV,
bridgette needs all the help she can get. also, she’s fat.
Man, this poor dude was trying to share his love of God’s beautiful chiba with his precious little kitty and got villified by the po-po.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090302/ap_on_fe_st/odd_bong_cat;_ylt=AmT4Ozw.CDhD4t7GqYyksPlxFb8C
I like how Ben can’t count. If God called him an idiot 5 times before, how is that 48 strikes?
Senor Sal Vation,
usted es un maricón. No significo ofender.
Ben can count to potato.
Josh, I’m just saying. I pulled that number out of a hat. He’s probably got way more than 48 strikes, considering how many times he’s been unfunny.
HOLY SHIT NUN! I like to blow smoke into my cat’s ear too sometimes but that’s going too far…
After it recovered, it ate three bowls of catfood.
Ben,
How many strikes do you have?
now it’s at the humane society, where it will likely be put to death. much more humane than getting it high.
Josh,
None! I’ve got balls.
2 balls, to be exact. Low and to the middle.
Low and to the middle? You don’t ‘dress right’?
ha!
Both your balls hang to the middle? Do you have an ice cream cone scrotum?
I dress left, I thought that’s what you do. Dressing right would be wierd.
Somebody looked at my StumbleUpon page so I returned the favor. The guy is a fucking pervert and his page is full of sex pictures. I like that fucking pervert.
Ben,
I leave my cats alone when it comes to the smoking of the chiba… I’m not big on exposing my dependants to my vices. My dog likes it though.
Josh, are you left handed or right handed?
this conversation can count to potato.
i think we need some violent smiting and some good old fashion fag jokes to liven the place up.
God violently smote some blackies this past weekend by making them get all eated up by sharks.
Our FATHER who art in Heaven,
I was wondering if you could leave the SON home for unofficial this year.
He’s really gotten worse trying to cover up his homosexual tendencies with that hippity-hop attitude and it is embarrassing to be around.
Your servant,
Pat
I wonder if God will hate on women this month, afterall it is women’s history month.
Doesn’t God hate on us every month?
Nun
It’s more of a love/hate.
Your type is often unbearable.
ahh…the monthly crotch bleed.
i wonder if He meant to smite men or women with that one? because He got us both.
THERE CAN BE…
ONLY ONE!!!!
Agreed, Paddy. I dislike my gender; always crying about something, always using their vaginas to get what they want, only watching football for the nicely formed asses in tight footyball pants. Women are evil.
Don’t forget not paying for their own drinks, especially during my day.
We don’t like to pay for meals either. I say “we” for Yo’s benefit but I don’t operate that way. I pay for dinner so he can’t turn me down when I want to fuck.
nun operates by a rigid set of principles.
Nun likes it rigid.
“I pay for dinner so he can’t turn me down when I want to fuck.”
When you say ‘he’ do you mean ‘me’?
No, sorry Yo but you’re old and I have some standards. “He” was a general term for all the dark boy wonders with penises of steel.
hoooeeeerrrr…
I make him pay for dinner so he’ll think I’m worth fucking.
you hooo-errr
Nun pays for her own dinner, and she’s a *incomprehensible spelling*???
I’ve never been to Indiana, Ben. You left out some esses and an “i.”
i think because Nun pays for her own meal she is NOT a whore but a slut. A whore would get lobster in exchange for a BJ, while Nun pays for her own crab cakes and gives anal anyway. Clearly a slut, not a “hooooeeerrrr”
You’re pretty smart for a retard, Josh.
YOU MEAN I COULD BE GETTING LOBSTER? Damn! Last time I got a club sandwich.
I may not agree that gay Curtis should be able to get married, but I am shocked and offended at the evil words which get used on this blog and I agree it needs to stop. You should all be ashamed of yourselves!
“Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth.”
Mathew 5:5
haha! “gay curtis.”
you still got it, bridgette!
“evil words”
hehehe…
oooooooooooooohhhhhhh…
my cheeks hurt.
Him dammit! I give and I give, and even upgrade the Happy meal when we eat out.
Can’t even get it from my wife.
how can a word be evil???
answer: it can’t. it’s a word. unless it became personified through some magical occurrence and started mass murdering people in the name of god. that would be pretty gay.
God, is it true that You plan on giving the earth to the meek? if so, is that why You are having the non-meek destroy it first?
“well, here you go, meek! it’s a fixer upper, but, just as promised, i present you…THE EARTH!”
Get stuffed, Bridgette. You sound like the Religiots here at work. They sit at together at lunch and argue loudly about Biblical prophesy. I wonder if that’s an unfriendly work environment.
Update on the Lady Who Fell and Cut her Head: She’s a part-timer, no benefits. Her boss wont pay for the time she was away from her desk. (That’s the latrine rumor, anyway. I haven’t asked her directly.)
Bridgette, are you being paid to read these comments? If not, maybe you need to examine yourself a little bit, gfriend.
to sum up Bridgy’s comments:
Technically I believe that homo Curtis is less than human in the eyes of both God and the state, however you people who believe he should be awarded the same rights as “regular” people need to stop saying the word “fag”, I think that hurts his feelings more than his life partner being deported.
Bridgette, I mean it from the very depths of my soul when i say “Fuck you dumb bitch!”
Druids are meek. We get the Earth. We’ll patch it up.
but seriously, which one of you mopes is Bridgette? it was funny, and it still is, but I need to give credit to the comic genious who created that retard.
Dunno Josh - I still think it’s either cracka or God Himself.
God has said that Bridgette is indeed a real poster and is not one of the regulars. Are y’all calling God a Divine Liar?
As I’ve said many times, she reminds me of family members so I suspect she is, unfortunately, very real. She’s also a freakin’ idiot for the reason that retarded Josh mentioned.
Oh yes, dumb-cunt-Bridgette, you don’t believe he’s a regular human being but you must be right that it’s a word that hurts him most. Fucking stupid cunt.
I am Bridgette and I am entitled to my opinions just like you! Just because I don’t agree with the idea that gays should be allowed to legally marry doesn’t mean I agree that they should be demeaned with hurtful language. I pray for nothing but the best for Curtis and I pray he is able to overcome his affliction.
I don’t doubt God on this one. She’s real. Just another loser giving West Virginia a bad name.
We pray you will overcome yours, Bridgette.
CURTISSSSSS!!!! Are you reading this????????
Bridgette, I burst my poison ivy blisters in your general direction!
Bridgette will never overcome her “affliction”. There’s no cure for stupid-cunt-syndrome.
’strewth.
Affliction.
I feel a string of evil words coming on….
Bridgette is a cunt and her husband is probably fucking a fellow parishioner because his wife is too unpleasant to be around.
the problem with Bridgnut and people like her is they belive in ideas and not ideals.
they like the idea of being a good person, but the ideal of being a good person escapes them. How can you feel bad over a word, a sound, a piece of light bouncing back to your eye from teh computer screen, yet you can not feel bad that people are being mistreated? You are not a good person, although you tell yourself that lie day in and day out.
Curtis is a fag, and truth be told, if it came down to it, I would fight so that that fag and a bunch of fags just like him could get married.
don’t ever give up on us bridgie-poo. if other christians are half as funny as you i’m gonna go back to church.
Bridgette is a stupid cunt because she thinks a word mistreats somebody without realizing that her inability to see Curtis as a regular human being is what is really the mistreatment. What a stupid cunt.
well then by that definition Curtis is a stupid cunt too. He thinks our words mistreat him without being able to see us as regular human beings who actually love him.
For me religious zealots and PC zealots are equally bad. Curtis can’t realize that we are not the problem. it’s Bridgette!
I understand Curtis’ point, I just don’t agree. Everyone here is very homo friendly to the point he is included in the ribbing just like a “regular” person (That was sarcastic for the idiots here)
I also think it has to do with his living out in the sticks, the word fag there has a different meaning. But this blog is not out in the sticks, it’s on the internets, and here fag means somethign different.
I do miss that homo.
I have issues with Curtis’ attempt to censor on God’s Holy and Divine Blog but I won’t go into it here out of respect for Curtis.
one of my gay comedy buddies signs off his blog “Homo out!”
as the gays would say, “Loves it”
I like to sing “So you had a bad gay” to the tune of ‘Bad Day’ by Daniel Powter. I was thrilled to find out that Ricky Gervais does the same thing.
oh great. now that’s gonna be stuck in my head forever. thanks a lot whore!
I think I can speak for Curtis when I say he would never describe Bridgette as having an “affliction.” To me, her saying that is more objectionable than any profanity any of us has uttered.
I feel exactly the same, Anne. That’s why I’ve been calling her a stupid cunt. I have an aversion to the word ‘cunt’ but never have I seen a more fitting example of a ‘cunt’ than Bridgette.
“I am Bridgette and I am entitled to my opinions just like you!”
HAHAHAHA!!!
i don’t know how you do it, bridgette.
HI-larious!
RIGHT??? she should do standup. that could be her opening line.
She has never broken character - never admits there’s other possibilities - in all the months she’s been here. Wish she’d start a blog, so we could get a daily dose.
Josh knows people, maybe he can set her on the standup circuit. She could play at churches all across the South.
they wouldn’t get it, yoyo. they would just nod in agreement.
sad part yo yo, is there is a huge demand for church comics. And churches have lots of money. Funny how that works, the bible warns against the trappings of money and the “showy display of ones means of life” yet the church always has money and the preachers always have nice cars.
so, i just need some corny act with a jesus message to wrap up with and i’m swimming in money? motherfucker! i can’t believe i never thought of this before!
hi! thanks for coming out to mount olive lutheran church tonight!! i am uppity cracka and i am entitled to my opinions just like you! you know the difference between baptists and lutherans??? i’ll tell you what it is. baptists can DANCE with a snake…i mean reeeeeally dance with it. what happens when you give a lutheran a snake??? LA-A-AME!!! am i right???
now, i know a lot of you love jesus here tonight. round of applause, who loves our lord and savior? yeah, you guys clap like lutherans by the way. i ask that question at a black church and it’s ON, BABY!! imagine if jesus was black!!! can you picture that!! he’d be all, “motherfucker! forgive these motherfuckers! they don’t know what the fuck they doin’!” am i right???
now where did i leave that rubber chicken?
mommy my ears are bleeding!
cracka, get 60 minutes of that (with out the cursing), put it on tape and send it to churches. You’ll be booked solid every weekend until you decide to quit.
have fun, don’t kill yourself, and stay away from hookers. Your compeition for the gigs will dime you out.
ben,
That’s not your ears, it’s your anus.
who is the # 1 disciple?
ME MOTHER FUCKERS, that’s who!
once I was in line at Lst Comic Standing in San Antonio behind a church comic. His jokes were the fucking worst ever. but he did not curse, and he wore a suit and tie. and the line did not move.
ahhh….guilt-free laughter. makes me want to puke.
dont get me wrong, it can be funny, but just not cursing and adding God to your act does not make it worth being on stage.
“Do we have any Episcopalians in the audience tonight? That’s Catholic Lite, right? I am smiting them in the pews tonight! I’ll be appearing in the Our Church Of Misery’s basement dining hall next week, in Hoboken. Bless you, don’t drive faster than your guardian angel can fly, goodnight!”
Christian comedy. What an oxyMORON that is!
Thank you, Josh, for relieving me as God’s #1 disciple. My poison ivy blisters are spewing pus even as I spew filthy words at All-Smitey God.
God is great and wonderful, Josh. God makes everything better. I could suck ass at comedy but if I mention God, that makes everything perfect. Jeez you’re stupid.
Curtis’s affliction: being gay.
My affliction: poison ivy.
WTF? Does not compute.
So Noah says to his wife, “What are we having for dinner?” And she says, “Ham.” And he says, “Dang. Can’t we just eat one of the camels?”
Oh, thank you, thank you. You’re a great audience!
ooo this is a fun game anne. let’s do some more:
Nun’s affliction: leaky vagina.
Cracka’s affliction: bourbon.
Bridgette’s affliction: this blog.
yoyo-hoboken!!!
all towns with a ‘k’ are comedy gold…
poughkeepsie! oshkosh!
ben’s affliction:
shut up.
bourbon:
cause of and solution to all of life’s problems.
… except for the problems caused by and solved by Tanqueray.
Chiba doesn’t cause problems, except with the cops.
No, to the idiot known as Ben. My “affliction” is that I’m a heterosexual female. If homosexuality is an “affliction” then heterosexuality is as well.
no, i had it right the first time.
nun’s affliction was caused by her other affliction.
i miss curtis. why doesn’t that stupid fag understand that we love fags?! what kind of fondue did he eat today? it’s killing me!
My affliction is being straight, numbnutz.
which caused you to fuck so many dicks that your vagina is leaking…which afflicts you further.
you guys call me a cracka all the time! do i get all offended?! no!! i get drunk!! because living well is the best revenge.
anne you fool!!!!
by posting that you were no longer the top disciple, you made yourself the top disciple!
You know who else is gone for good, I think? Smoggy. Retard doesn’t know he can go to the public library and look up God’s Holy Blog. Who cares if we’re all sleeping when he comments? He doesn’t seem to need our input anyway.
josh, by posting that anne became the top disciple by posting that she is no longer the top disciple you became the top disciple!!
anne, shut up!!!!! YOu keep taking me off the top spot!!!!
Crack #186 - I know that was the joke. Jesus for a white guy you are stupid.
I actually wonder if Smoggy didn’t live with his mum and that’s why he can’t post from home.
Damn you, Cy. Why’d you have to die?? Why, God? WHY??
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=swpcY9SCU5Q
The race is on for top disciple. Will it be Josh, Nun, or Anne?
Bring it on. If I win, everyone has to become Druid. Except Bridgette. I wouldn’t dare afflict her.
Does anybody know how difficult it would be for Curtis to follow his partner to the UK? Sure the Brits are a little crazy and they eat gross food but surely that’s a small sacrifice to pay to keep your love muffin.
anne,
I’m not becoming a druid. no way. I love God too much, and I think fairies are fairies.
Him dammit, I’m still stuck under Ben - not a good place.
johnson, smoggy only posts one or two times a day…as one of his characters…as opposed to a million times a day in his weird kiwi accent that i couldn’t understand anyway.
for instance, the saint formerly known as padraig? smoggy.
josh-188…i was furthering the joke by joking about how your joke wasn’t a joke although it’s clear to anyone not named ben that your joke was a joke.
fucking ching chong durr.
Anne, did you celebrate Imbolc (the holiday of the lactating sheep!)
http://www.celticholidays.ca/imbolc/index.html
if only smoggy were here to read that. you might have your first convert, tree-fucker.
do you have any holidays involving booze?
THERE CAN ONLY BE—
ONE CRACKA!!!
How much did you gain with this quickening?
I would soooo fuck Michael Biehn. Eventually, one of these guys I want to fuck is going to read this blog and hook my pussy up.
God is His own 7th most devoted disciple. He’s miraculous.
yoyo-
i have gained two quickenings today.
the first quickening simply undid the liver damage i caused myself in the past few days.
however, the second quickening was all MEAT!!!
if i can avoid a penis smite before the end of the day, mrs. cracka should be very pleased tonight.
God,
Did You tell this ching-chong to kill that white boy carny?
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090303/ap_on_re_ca/canada_bus_beheading
damn you cracka!
I was on IM with a buddy and missed the quickening!!!!
Him damn it!
That’s what you get for having real life friends, retard.
My son is about to start little league which means another season of watching my loser kid play his loser brand of baseball and not trying his best. I wish I would just die.
Nun,
Does your kid play this kid:
http://www.redbalcony.com/?vid=24497
Josh,
I do not allow my son to embrace his blackness so he’s not allowed to play basketball. That’s a black sport.
How about golf? Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.
All Druid holidays are celebrated with booze. Is there any other way to celebrate?
Nun, it’s too bad your little loser isn’t a few years older. We could team him with Teenzilla and create grandchildren guaranteed to camp in subway tunnels!
No, Anne. I’d hate to murder my daughter-in-law and have you hate me. Besides, Teenzilla and Loser Black Child spawn would create havoc that would bring about the end of days. Oh, wait… that’s what you’re going for, isn’t it?
Did I say anything about hating you if you murdered Teenzilla? Wouldn’t cross my mind.
Once I forgot to close this thread, and Teenzilla saw it. Nothing about her, but she was reading it. She said we are inappropriate.
See what I mean? CLEAVE THE LITTLE BRAT IN TWAIN! Here’s the axe!
Bridgette, better close the thread when you’re finished reading. You wouldn’t want your tender little tots to wander over here.
Oh yeah, and empty your cache.
If your daughter ends up missing, don’t ask me about as I won’t lie. Inappropriate my ass!
Americans are a pathetic bunch. Obama has inherited this economy yet people are already blaming him for it, calling him a monkey and then claiming they’re not racist.
you guys need to fuck off.
ben needs to shut up.
in the immortal words of “gay curtis”-
‘night, internuts!
i am cracka and i am entitled to my booooooze!!!
Bridgette- sit down and shut the hell up. You are a hater!
Cracka, am I entitled to my booze?
we are all entitled to our respective booze.
but what if we don’t want booze? what if we just want some heroin for christmas?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FCUqlM65osc
I really hope those football homies were able to swim to one of those barrier islands and are currently living life on a deserted beach. If that is their fate, maybe God will plunk me down on that island too. Oh what glorious fun we’ll have running around the beaches naked.
I have very little hope though, black people don’t float.
some more people for you to smite, Sir:
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=50200339561
He is so gloriously, wickedly smart that He rounds up the blasphemers into one facebook group, gives them six months to tell their friends…then SMITE!!!!! He is victorious!!! hahahahaha!!!!!
i will be going undercover to a richard dawkins lecture at some sciencey bullshit place called “the university of minnesota” tonight, Lord. how shall i smite the atheist witch doctor to best please You, God?
I am sickened. This ship is taking her last voyage today. I was on her when I was about 10 years old and for some unknown reason, she was never kept up and now there’s nothing that can be done for her and she’ll be “chopped up”.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wawona
Cut his head off, cannibalize him and then say “God told me to”, Cracka.
not a bad suggestion. any others?
i think i am going to follow my beloved twinkies to your city this june, nun. baseball, sushi, and…um…booze!! heard it’s a nice place. is the sushi as good as the legends lead me to believe? i might go check out the mets new stadium, too, josh. there’s no baseball in iowa, ben, so shut up. maybe if i want to investigate crop circles sometime i’ll drive through iowa rapidly to get to kansas.
“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your minds, so that you may discern what is the will of God—what is good and acceptable and perfect.”
Romans 12.2 NRSV
The ‘Hawks signed Houshamablahblah but I’m sure you already knew that.
My birthday month. Yes, you can get good sushi in the area. You’ll also be visiting a beautiful ballpark built by Griffey who’s finally going to play in the stadium for the team he had it built for. Make sure you check out Pike Place Market.
My pastor daddy said the NRSV was secularized, Bridgette. You sinful cunt, you.
Name calling is the last refuge of the incompetant.
HI! i’m ben!
i like to do thing to ensure i have no friends, then bitch all day that no one likes me!
shit cracka’s coming to New York! Don’t kill me!
That’s right Bridgette, because the competent get there first!
poor spelling is the first refuge of the stupid, bridgette.
Here, send an email to Rush Limbaugh, apologizing for critizing him.
http://www.dccc.org/content/sorry
Cracka, you going to NY to kill Josh again?
nun, the vikings were 2 mil short of the ‘hawks offer. the vikings are a couple of players away from being contenders, the ‘hawks might get there by the time he retires. what was he thinking? he was thinking: hasselbeck is better than rosenfels, i need to work on HOF numbers.
Spouting bible verses when you have no real comprehension of what they mean is the last refuge of the narrow-minded idiots.
What is this “incompetant” thing you speak of?
Him damn it! That was me.
bridgette, in order to convince us the bible is true, you need to convince that it is possible that god exists. so, we need you to dig deeper, get philosophical. if you can prove to me there is a strong probability that theism is credible, then we can talk about your your blasphemous non-king james bible verses. specifically, i would like to discuss how the fuck noah got all those animals on a boat.
josh and his seedling will pay the ultimate price—–again.
fuck you jew! people like me. you’re obnoxious and fat. and you’re also a fag.
He did mention the QB, Cracka. The ‘Hawks will be contenders this year, the only reason we weren’t last year is that God violently smited the team with injuries. It is a shame we lost Rocky Bernard though.
ben’s daily affirmation. he repeats it into the mirror before he walks out the door with toilet paper stuck to his shoe.
Y’all are gonna say I’m crazy but I wish I lived in London. I’d go see Michael Jackson if I did.
you’re crazy. and a hoo-err.
I. AM. NOT. A. HOO-EER!!
.
.
.
.
.
That’s mock anger for all you Bens who are too dense to figure that out on your own.
don’t listen to her. that’s totally real.
Damn you, prairie dog! DAMN YOU!!!
Dear God,
Thanks for answer my question!
Don’t worry, I’ll keep my fist away from her anus.
ALL RIGHT!!! ANOTHER CONVERT!!! WAY TO GO, BIG GUY!!!
God,
Why did you have to make Rio de Janeiro with so many favelas, drug dealers and kidnappers ?
Why don’t you just smite that place?
BTW, thanks for Pantanal and the Amazon. The rest of the world envy us for that.
God,
Why did you have to make Rio de Janeiro with so many favelas, drug dealers and kidnappers ?
Why don’t you just smite that place?
BTW, thanks for Pantanal and the Amazon. The whole world envy us for that.
Fuck I post it twice!
Sorry!
It’s okay, L. You can’t help it, you’re Brazillian.
You right, besides that, I have a vagina!
L, i hate to have to break it to you, but the rest of the world does not envy you for anything. except for that carnival thing with all the naked ladies.
Yes, us vaginas are not very bright. God made us stupid but he also made us soft and inviting. I don’t mind being a vagina.
Cracka’s wrong about one thing, we do envy the Pantanal but we don’t envy the Amazon… y’all are turning it into farmland and we have enough farmland.
Cracka - if you come here, you’ll see crazy and naked ladies not only for carnival but the whole year.
Nun - I don’t know what they say there about the Amazon but, deforest is decreasing.
In the state of Amazon, 98% of the forest is preserved. In the other hand if you check about Para and Mato Grosso (where the Amazon forest covers too), then I totaly agree with you. It’s all farmland.
Speaking of Brazil, I wonder how Noah handled the poison dart frogs on the ark. Or can those kinds of frogs swim for 40 days and nights straight?
I live in America, L. We’re an arrogant people so anything said about any other nation is not kind. Basically, you’re all stupid and uneducated and whorey and drug-addicted.
i think noah had a really big magic net and he borrowed santa’s sleigh (which came with reindeer so he could cross them off the list right away!) and he flew around with various mating calls and just scooped them up and whisked them away. it was very dramatic. that’s where santa got the idea for the beard, too. the elves are a whole other story.
the shittiest Noah’s Ark Joke ever:
skip to the 3:18 mark to view it.
http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&VideoID=18962823
now can anyone tell me why it’s a shitty joke?
not true, nun, i’ve often said that mexico produces some very nice and very chubby cleaning ladies.
Mexico isn’t a country, Cracka. It’s a ghetto.
unfortunately, josh, my evil bastard IT dept. from hell has blocked yourspace on the double-U double-U double-Us from my viewing pleasure.
i think japan produces really great tourists and commerical products for my purchasing and shoplifting enjoyment. plus, they treat their women like 3rd rate citizens…awesome.
the republic dominiCAN ‘roids up some good ball players for my spectatorial amusement.
Anne - I don’t know about this frog.
But do you know about Candiru? It’s a tiny fish.
If a person is swiming naked in the river, this fish can get inside of a vagina, or penis or anus.
And inside there, it opens its spurs what can eventually kill you.
Who would swim naked in the rivers? Drunk tourists, drunk people generaly, children.
What a stupid brazilian and her stupid dictionary.
I didn’t mean spur, I meant spine.
Check this pic.
The poor guy and the satanic fish.
http://app.shop-control.com/imagenes/Alterfishing/CANDIRU3.jpg
http://www.lorologiaiomiope.com/wp-content/2007/09/candiru1.jpg
I once watched a video where a woman took a fish and stuck it up her vagina and then pushed it out. I can’t find it otherwise I’d post a link because L’s comment made me think of it. But… I did find this…
http://www.snopes.com/risque/juvenile/lobster.asp
I just puked a little in my mouth
WE’RE VOTING NOW?
i vote that all of ben’s posts suck and bridgette is a genius.
What the fuck!?! We’re being rated now?? This isn’t going to do any favors for my self-esteem.
Piss off, Fag!
No Cracka. There shall be no voting. I almost allowed it, but then remembered that it would be democratic and I will have NONE OF THAT!
And now we’re not being rated. God is playing with our puny mortal minds.
God is a Divine Head Fucker.
before i read His Divine Comment i went through and rated all of ben’s comments zero. and for nothing. that was a lot of work, too.
bridgette got all tens, because there is no one more entertaining.
Thanks, God!! I’d rather remain blissfully unaware that everybody hates me.
all 0’s? WTF??? that link I posted this morning about the heroin christmas was awesome…
perhaps there is a rating system that can show if You approve or disapprove, Sir?
for instance:
shut up, ben. 10 out of 10
No, I won’t shut up, Cracka! 0 out of 10
Cracka’s penis: Cannot rate - item does not exist
yep, all zeroes.
BWAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!
God should leave the ratings system but only allow Himself to vote. That way we can all know the truth about how God feels about us… no matter how much pain and suffering that causes.
yeah, that was a great idea 3 posts ago when i thought of it…
(women)
Sorry, I was distracted by the lack of bulge between your legs.
rating system?!?!?! WTF?
I go to lunch and a meeting and miss everything!!!! Him Damn it!!!
Did anyone watch that “comedy” clip i posted?
i don’t think so josh. they didn’t watch my clip either, and it was damn funny.
holy shit! the ratings system is baack!
Dear God and Father Almighty,
Please do away with the rating system as it seems Ben is going and ratin ghis posts at 10 and everyone else a 2. This is clearly not a reflection of reality, as Ben is an idiot of the highest calibur. I’m not saying anything is wrong with that, for we all know You created idiots so that those who love You shine even brighter.
To recap, please remove the voting system. Thank You Lord King Chiba Mac Daddy God in heaven.
Your humble servant,
Josh
MUAHAHAHA!! All 0s for Cracka to match the size of his non-existent penis.
Mac Daddy God gonna make you jump, jump.
Anybody remember Kris Kross?
DAMN IT!!
I just gave Cracka a 5 because I was trying to rate Josh and I’m just a dumb vagina who’s too stupid to vote properly. 
Nun,
Check this out, it’s Mac Daddy:
http://concreteloop.com/2009/02/spotted-former-kris-kross-member-in-atl/chris-mac-daddy-kelly-2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BF-3yCSyL3M&eurl=http://concreteloop.com/page/5&feature=player_embedded
Nun,
you’d give me a 5? I thought you loved me, ching chong bing bong.
Dear Lord God Creator of Heaven and Earth, Could You please have a look in Nun’s office. It sounds as if she is channeling Satanus. It’s creeping me out.
Your humble servant
Nun’s Fag Burro
Ploughing through it now, Josh.
Burro,
You referred to yourself as a “fag” I need to remind you that you should be offended by you saying such a thing. Get with it fudge packer.
PS - I thought you were bi, clearly that’s not a fag.
Who will it be?
Me?
THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE?!!?!?!?!?!??!?!!??!?!?!?!
Hurrah Josh! Sadly, cracka needed another quickening.
Josh,
I was giving everybody but you and Burro 1s so you should be happy with your 5. I’m a critical bitch and a 5 is the most you’ll get from me until I experience multiple orgasms… then I’ll give you a 7.
Nun,
you kill me, and by the sounds of it you kill your lovers.
I didn’t realize Mac Daddy had such issues with his hair. I liked those boys.
Josh, I thougt it appropriate given all the hubbub recently with the word “fag”.
I have taken away the right to rate comments once and for all. I have, however, given you the free will to rate My Posts. But if you give Me anything less than a 10 for any of My Posts, I shall damn you to hell!
you said hubbub, now i think you’re old or a stupid hipster trying to sound cool. I’ll go with old.
He grew up to be pretty cute but I like me some dark meat.
You know who grew up to be a hottie? Shia LaBeouf. That boy is fucking hot but he did an X-Files episode when he was a child so I feel totally perverted and old when I think about what a hottie he is and how I’d soooo totally fuck him.
God,
Perhaps You could set up a system where every now and then, You make a post put up by us shitty mortals “God Approved”. That would be a divine honor much better than the craptastic “quickening”
Josh, I had a chance to view some of your videos, funny stuff!
I rated Your posts 10, God!! See how much I love You?
I’m glad You took away our right to vote, it was fucking with my mortal computer in addition to Your Divine Server.
“I’m God, and I approve this message.”
Bless you Nun.
Interesting suggestion Josh. I will take it into consideration.
Shia LaDouche!!!!! Come on Nun he’s a dick head no moatter how you slice it with a huge Jew nose. Yeah I said it. I hate him. Hate him.
Thanks Big Guy! Whatever You did it worked. Nun is no longer channeling satanus. Could You just keep on her?
yo yo,
how you see me videos? (That’s my Jar Jar impression)
I command you all to test the ratings feature and give this post a rating. DO IT NOW!
God,
It is not the place of a crappy mortal human like me to say, but Your post does not have a rating thing on it.
Ah yes. It is entirely for Me to say that I must speak down for mortals to grasp My Meaning. When I say post, I am referring to ‘Ask God: February,” not My Comment.
The post is the piece of content on which all these frivolous comments are being made.
HA!! God FACEd Josh for his poor comprehension skills and not knowing internet-speak.
Josh,
DAMN YOU!!
He is not a douche!! He’s a very handsome young man who dreams about me at night.
God, I rated Your blessed post a 10/10. I also wanted to sacrifice a virgin, but they’re in short supply. No sheep, either, Smoggy’s cornered the market.
Yo,
I think Josh was talking about the video he linked to earlier when he asked if anybody watched his video.
yo yo,
That’s not me, that guy’s half black and half white. I’m Asian, Chinese to be exact. Ching Chong King Fu Panda Golden Dragon!!!
God,
I’m an idiot, but I rated Your post a 10!
Whoops! Josh, yes, I watched it, it was OK.
That’s right, a ching chong durrr.
I think I’ll have Chinese takeout tonight. No General Tso’s chicken - never let your mouth make promises your azz can’t deliver, or something like that.
Nun,
Are we talking about the same kid? The one arrested for DUI? The one caught on video saying “faggot” and not in the way we here all say “fag”? The one arrested in WalGreens? That fucking dickhead. The one who blasted a fan on MTV for asking a question about the special effects on Constantine? That ass munch? Fuck that guy.
If Josh were that guy he’d be totally hot because that guy is black but we all know that Josh is neither hot nor black. He’s just a retardo chinky chong.
sadly Nun is right about me, Ching chong tear.
WHO IS THIS JOSH GUY?? I really thought he was the guy at that one blog. Now I find out he’s Asian. ewwww…
What did he say to the fan on MTV? I missed that but to be fair, some fans are a little wacko. But yes, we’re talking about the same kid. I haven’t seen the ‘faggot’ video but I was under the impression he was being prompted to use the word in the context it was used.
Ben’s a retarded ching-chong as well.
haha! josh watches MTV!
after careful consideration (for my soul), i rated this post a 10.
Ben, ask cracka. He stalked Josh and killed him.
Your soul? Cracka, you should more worried about a penis smite.
I don’t know Bono, although I wish I did, so I don’t know if he’s kidding or not about Chris Martin being a wanker but I’d like to watch those boys mud-wrestle naked.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MiTykAM1gl8
i don’t know bono or chris martin, but i do know that they both suck.
cracka,
I don’t watch MTV, but I used to like when that movie came out 4 years ago. I’m not an old bitter cracka who wishes for the good old days (ie can kill a darkie after dinner).
Nun,
the faggot video is gone from the internets. In it LaDouche gets drunk and then tells his friend to punch him. When his friend refuses Shia goes on and on “Are you a faggot? Fucking hit me faggot…”
The question the kid asked on MTV was “How much of the scenes in hell were special effects and how much was set?” Shia went on to say how it was all real and they actually went to hell to film the scenes etc etc. That kid’s a dick.
hey nun check this out, it’s the end of the video:
http://www.popcrunch.com/shia-labeouf-faggot-slap-video-apology/
yoyo- you are correct. i’ve had a pretty good sized penis for a few days now. if i manage not to piss off God, maybe He’ll let me keep it.
Constantine is a good flick but I like Keanu much to the chagrin of just about everybody I know.
As for Shia’s answer on MTV, I didn’t watch so I don’t know his tone but is there any chance he was kidding? That sounds like a sarcastic answer to me… one that I could see myself giving. I’m not trying to defend assholey behavior. If he’s an asshole he’s an asshole and I’ll gag him when we fuck so he can’t say anything that will make me want to kill him. There are several men I’d gag before fucking.
I watched your video, Josh. That joke is the shittest Noah’s Ark joke because it’s not funny in the least. Sorry if that’s one of your buds.
cracka - The smite will happen just before you and Mrs. cracka ‘connect’.
Josh,
I’m really hesitant to judge him on that video. We don’t see the whole situation, he’s talking to a bud and he gets bitch-slapped. I know you’re probably thinking that I’m just looking past bad behavior because he’s a pretty face but I really don’t see anything that I can be offended about in that video. I see friends joking around and without knowing the whole story, I just don’t think there’s enough info to judge him as a douche.
all the info we need is available in indiana jones 4. “hey, look at that douchey kid with the giant nose.”
shia-judged.
nun you always defend the fuckable. if Yaphet Kotto said the same things you would not rationalize it.
Hey guys,
I’m having a Rihanna and Chris Brown party to celebrate her taking him back! All the beer you can drink and all the bitches you can choke!!!! PARTY!
it’s about time you didn’t something TOTALLY AWESOME!!!
Him dammit!
*did something
not didn’t something!
That’s because Yaphet Kotto is black and everybody knows that blacks are not regular and normal people, Josh. Therefore he’s not entitled to the same respect I give whities. But I feel I must point out your ginormous error… Yaphet Kotto is a black man so he is completely fuckable, it’s the only thing he’s good for really.
Indiana Jones was rape!! Haven’t you guys seen that South Park? There are no aliens in Indiana Jones! Spielberg and Lucas stole Chris Carter’s thunder!!
well,
fuck off everybody….except for ben, who should shut up.
was the premise of aliens really that far removed from the premise of the angel of death in a box, or magic stones and mystical heart removal, or immortality from a cup? no, it wasn’t.
Indy 1-classic, great, but cheesy.
Indy 2-terrible, awful, but cheesy.
Indy 3-funny, adventurous, but cheesy.
Indy 4-disjointed plot, barely tolerable stunts…and cheesy.
get over it. it’s not that big of a loss.
now, seriously, fuck off.
(except for ben)
who should shut up.
There’s a big difference between aliens and religion. Jeez you’re stupid.
Jesus and Xenu do not belong in the same ethos.
I don’t know why but when I watch Chelsea Lately I think of Nun.
[...] life, nuclear fires cleansing the world, a plague of AIDs sweeping away all civilization, or the rapture (follow the link and pay attention to question #11) lifting the favoured few and leaving the rest [...]