Stuff God Hates

#64 Queen Latifah

Feb 19th, 2009 by God

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Today I would like to talk about someone I hate passionately – Queen Latifah.

Queen Latifah is an overrated manatee-in-disguise and I am determined to see her exposed for the fame-whore sea-cow she is.

I HATE QUEEN LATIFAH! Not only is she obese, which I hate, and a woman, which I hate, she’s proud of being from Africa, which I HATE!

But wait it gets worse! She’s not. even. from. Africa!

Latifah was born a manatee in the warm, shallow waters off Honduras, and was a gluttonous snatch from a young age. She soon grew to become 1400 pounds of pure blubber. Realizing that no male manatee would ever mate with her, she sold her soul to Satanus for fame and fortune.

Satan promised to shroud her in a veil of magical protection, making her look like the ridiculously obese African woman you are familiar with. He then used his demonic publicist skills to make her unbelievably, undeservedly famous.

Well today Queen Latifah’s house of lies comes crashing to an end! Here on My Divine Blog I reveal to you all for the first time the Manatee Latifah in her true form. All hail Queen Blubber of Stank-Ho!

But I know some of you are asking, what is the danger? And is she really that famous?

YES! As a rapper, singer, model and actress with product lines and an Academy Award nomination she is reaching near-Oprah levels of fame. And she’s a talentless blubbernaut snatch from Honduras!

And she’s a liar and oh-so-fake. Did you know she’s also not a real Queen? It’s true. Honestly, the only thing I hate more than an African proud of being African is a Honduran manatee peasant proud of being an African human Queen.

Of course, I wouldn’t have a problem with all that if she weren’t a puppet of Satan. Or if all her music and movies didn’t suck big flabby manatee-dick.

I command you* to seek out the strongest harpoon you can find and impale Queen Latifah immediately!

I, The Almighty Lord, have spoken.

*Yes, you!

Tags: Africa, God, Queen Latifah: Secret Manatee

Posted in Animals

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221 Responses to “#64 Queen Latifah”

on 19 Feb 2009 at 10:00 am1Smoggy Batzrubble

No 1. Wish I had something worthwhile to say.

Oh yes, her name produces the anagram “Tequila fan, eh!”

Stupid Honduran piss head.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 11:24 am2The L Woman

I totaly agree with you dear Lord!
And do you know what most piss me off about her?
This fucking whale thinks she is incredibly funy and beautiful!
Who the hell told her she is good on something???
Thanks God she is not popular where I live.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 1:45 pm3God

L Woman - I agree. She thinks she is funny and beautiful and she clearly is neither. I must correct you however, for she is not a whale, but a manatee. I forgive you as this is a common mistake. And you are welcome that she is not popular in Brazil.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 2:24 pm4lucy

This explains so much….
on 19 Feb 2009 at 2:32 pm5The L Woman

Thanks dear Lord!
on 19 Feb 2009 at 2:49 pm6Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Queen Latifah is also lesbo. How do You feel about that, God?
on 19 Feb 2009 at 3:14 pm7Josh

I saw Set It Off two days ago; one of the worst movies I have ever seen not by Uwe Boll.

God, I beg your forgiveness as I used to own a Queen Latifa album (U.N.I.T.Y. was the shit Lord!), and I would have fucked her. Can You please forgive this sin? Thanks.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 3:37 pm8uppity cracka

josh. josh, josh, josh, josh, josh. you are SO getting smited for this.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 3:42 pm9Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Wow. I guess I have too much love for the darkies because I actually like ‘Set it Off’.

Funny story, I know a gay couple that went to see that film on opening night. Look at the cast list and envision the kind of crowd that would have showed up on opening night. Now ask yourself if they felt out of place.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 3:43 pm10uppity cracka

did they feel out of place?
on 19 Feb 2009 at 3:44 pm11uppity cracka

oh, and that wasn’t a funny story.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 3:49 pm12Ben

Queen Latifah is definitely overrated. She is waaaay too famous. But I had no idea she was a lesbo.

Nun, what proof is there of this??
on 19 Feb 2009 at 3:49 pm13Josh

depends on where they saw it Nun. If they saw it in the hood it was all darkies, if they saw it in San Fran it was all dykes.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 3:55 pm14Nun Ur Damned Bizness

It was the ‘hood, Josh.

I thought Queen Latifah had come ‘out’ on her own but if she hasn’t… no, she’s not a lesbian. I don’t want her big, black, dykey ass kicking my poor little cracka ass up and down the block.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 4:05 pm15Josh

Nun,
I put it to you like this: She spent Valentine’s day with her “trainer”. Any anyone who looks at her and thinks her trainer is doing her job is an idiot.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 4:08 pm16uppity cracka

maybe her trainer is training her to get fatter and more obnoxious. there are all different kinds of trainers, josh. for instance, i like to train minorities to do my bidding without realizing it. of course, you wouldn’t know about this plot because you are a ‘negroloid’. oh, you have your theories, but none of them are even close to how we really do it.

BWAHAHHAHAHAAHAHAAA!!!!!
on 19 Feb 2009 at 4:13 pm17Nun Ur Damned Bizness

I can’t be sure as I don’t spend time diving in Queen’s muff but I do believe the woman has lost weight since she’s been hawking Jenny Craig. Whether she keeps it off is another matter… just look at Kirstie Alley.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 4:23 pm18uppity cracka

just look at kirstie alley?! i’d rather not.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 4:33 pm19Josh

Kristie Alley from the Wrath of Khan was hot. Kristie Alley today looks like she ate the entire cast of that movie.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 4:40 pm20Evangelist Curtis

Oh God, I couldn’t agree more. Luckily, I just happened to bring my harpoon to work with me today (for a completely unrelated reason) so I’m on it!

I do plan on wiping out the entire department of lunch ladies first because 1. They are all fatties and B) they make incredibly horrific lunches such as:

Cheeseburger (on a BUN no less), french fries, cheesy broccoli soup, and chocolate chip cookies.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 4:43 pm21uppity cracka

cheesy broccoli soup? is that anything like fondue?
on 19 Feb 2009 at 4:43 pm22Evangelist Curtis

* by now you do know that the cheesy broccoli soup is basically fondue, right?
on 19 Feb 2009 at 4:43 pm23uppity cracka

haha! simeltaneous posting miracle! God is great.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 4:47 pm24Evangelist Curtis

And both posts about fondue! God works in mysterious ways.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 4:51 pm25Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Her name is Kirstie, retardo ching-chong. Not Kristie. I loved her on Cheers.

Here’s a question… who’d you like better, Diane Chambers or Rebecca Howe?

I liked Rebecca better.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 5:01 pm26The L Woman

What if she was lesbo?
Would be in the hell any dyke crazy enough to do her?
Can you imagine that huge black and hairy thing? It would swallow somebody’s head
on 19 Feb 2009 at 5:02 pm27Josh

I thought the chemistry of Diane and Sam was better then Rebecca and Sam, however Shelly Long us so unattractive with her skinny blonde self. In the end the best was Carla
on 19 Feb 2009 at 5:03 pm28Josh

L woman,
I guess in Brazille you’re only used to lispic lesbos. Most lesbos I see are very butch, the kind of woman that will beat your ass to you pass out then take a piss on you with her dick.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 5:10 pm29The L Woman

Fuck!
on 19 Feb 2009 at 5:10 pm30Evangelist Curtis

Lipstick lesbos have absolutely no purpose other than sexually stimulating straight men with their antics.

Butch lesbos, however, are usually really good at plumbing, so it’s good to have one or two as friends.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 5:11 pm31Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Let me translate for the retard: lispic = lipstick. But the ‘tard does bring up a good point… what kind of lesbos do you have in Brazil?

As for you, retard… I said who’d you like better, Diane or Rebecca? I never asked for your opinion on the other characters. Woody’s the best of the other characters though Carla does run a close second.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 5:13 pm32The L Woman

I think now it worked
on 19 Feb 2009 at 5:15 pm33Evangelist Curtis

NORM!
on 19 Feb 2009 at 5:18 pm34Josh

L woman is as black as Yaphet Kotto! you should want that Slaves Holiday in Brazille.

woody? you just want to bang him and like the fact that he is a pot head. I really liked Coach, as a little boy I was sad when he died.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 5:21 pm35uppity cracka

that’s why i come here.

sometimes you wanna go
where nobody has any idea who the fuck you are
and they always ridicule your genitals
you wanna be where you can see
that nun is still a whore
you wanna go
where nobody knows your name
on 19 Feb 2009 at 5:23 pm36Nun Ur Damned Bizness

I was sad when Coach died too. Now I’m sad again just thinking about it. Thanks a lot, ching-chong!

I don’t care about banging Woody the character. Yes, I’d smoke some sweet, sweet chiba with Woody the actor. Woody the character was sweet and innocent. Plus he had maimed a man with a bowling ball and that takes some skill.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 5:23 pm37uppity cracka

it’s a great theme song among great theme songs.

does anything come close to MASH?
with the lyrics, i mean.

“suicide is painless”
on 19 Feb 2009 at 5:24 pm38Ben

coach
on 19 Feb 2009 at 5:24 pm39uppity cracka

top five greatest tv theme songs.

go!
on 19 Feb 2009 at 5:27 pm40Josh

the jeffersons!!!!

Good times!!!!

Cheers!!!!

Golden Girls!!!!

Facts of Life!!! or Different Strokes!!!
on 19 Feb 2009 at 5:27 pm41Evangelist Curtis

I’ve been to the original Cheers bar in ‘Bahston’. It’s nothing like on television. Very unfair.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 5:27 pm42Josh

nun if you get sad by thinking about a person you never met who passed away years ago, then you’re brain might be Benified. You should see a specialist.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 5:29 pm43Evangelist Curtis

1. Gilligan’s Island
2. I Love Lucy
3. All in the Family
4. Maude
5. Andy Griffin
on 19 Feb 2009 at 5:30 pm44Evangelist Curtis

Uh, who am I today? Josh? That’s “Griffith”.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 5:30 pm45Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Then I guess I’m Benified because I think it’s sad when people die you heartless retard.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 5:33 pm46Evangelist Curtis

Okay, Nun, Cracka, that one I always ignore, are you playing the top five theme songs? Inquiring minds and all . . .
on 19 Feb 2009 at 5:34 pm47Ben

NIGHT RIDER!
on 19 Feb 2009 at 5:34 pm48Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Best theme song for a television show in all of history…

The X-Files. My bird loves it and whistles along.

Nobody should be surprised by my answer and if they are, they’re just as retarded as Josh.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 5:39 pm49uppity cracka

i have to agree that i love the x files theme song

x files
the jeffersons
dukes of hazzard (because it’s so corny)
sopranos
my dark horse candidate?
shaft!
on 19 Feb 2009 at 5:39 pm50The L Woman

Nun, here we have all types.

Evagelist - Lipstick just love to be woman and love sex with woman too.
I also know many butches but my girl and I are lipstick.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 5:40 pm51uppity cracka

i replace the jeffersons
with mash, no scooby-doo!
AAAAAAAHHHH!!!
too many great ones! i can’t do it!
on 19 Feb 2009 at 5:47 pm52The L Woman

Shit, I just cannot change my avatar!
on 19 Feb 2009 at 5:47 pm53uppity cracka

WAIT!!!
THE ADDAMS FAMILY!!!
on 19 Feb 2009 at 5:50 pm54Evangelist Curtis

Then of Course the original Happy Days (Rock Around the Clock), Laverne and Shirley, I forgot about Shaft (shut your mouth!), Twin Peaks,

You’re right, Cracka. Too many!
on 19 Feb 2009 at 5:55 pm55Evangelist Curtis

Alfred Hitchcock Presents, Magnum PI, The Odd Couple, Sanford and Son, WKRP, Simpsons, Seinfeld,
on 19 Feb 2009 at 5:56 pm56uppity cracka

FRESH PRINCE!
on 19 Feb 2009 at 5:56 pm57Nun Ur Damned Bizness

WKRP in Cincinatti had a great theme song. The Partridge Family did too. I don’t care what y’all say. I like Come On Get Happy. It reminds me of my precious chiba.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 5:57 pm58Nun Ur Damned Bizness

I also liked the theme song for Love, Sidney.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 5:59 pm59uppity cracka

twilight zone, dragnet, dallas
on 19 Feb 2009 at 6:00 pm60uppity cracka

dude, the A-Team.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 6:05 pm61uppity cracka

monday night football (before hank williams, jr.)
the love boat
greatest american hero
“believe it or not”

i’m done before i drive myself insane
on 19 Feb 2009 at 6:05 pm62uppity cracka

lots and lots of 70s and 80s on these lists.
who writes the themes now and why do they suck?
on 19 Feb 2009 at 6:07 pm63uppity cracka

abc’s “wide world of sports”
on 19 Feb 2009 at 6:15 pm64Ben

L Woman, I see your avatar. You probably have to clear out your browser cache.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 6:16 pm65Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Gloria Loring and Alan Thicke used to write a lot of theme songs in the 70s and 80s. Maybe they should start again.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 6:17 pm66uppity cracka

if i had a nickel for everytime ben told someone to clear out their cache on this damn blog…

probably have like $3 by now.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 6:18 pm67Ben

i know right! and you call me stupid. clear out your cache!
on 19 Feb 2009 at 6:20 pm68Dr. Herbman

for sure…
i really believe Queen Latiffa should not be so danm famous…
the only good thing is that she really enjoy smoking some good weed with the boys after the parties…

Obs: She rolls a nice splif too… auahauh
on 19 Feb 2009 at 6:21 pm69Evangelist Curtis

It’s the kids now-a-days and their “music”. Back in my day . . .

To the one that I always ignore for being mean to me once: You say “you probably have to clean out your browser cache” as if any monkey would know how to do that. Damn it, Jim, I’m a doctor, not a network technician!

Which then reminds me of the Star Trek theme and all the spin offs from that TV show.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 6:26 pm70Dr. Herbman

but i preffer in the bong.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA…..
on 19 Feb 2009 at 6:28 pm71uppity cracka

space…the final frontier…
on 19 Feb 2009 at 6:37 pm72Evangelist Curtis

William Shatner is completely hot and I would do him in a minute.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 6:43 pm73Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Fag
on 19 Feb 2009 at 6:44 pm74uppity cracka

CURTIS!

PUT…YOUR-

PENIS

IN MY….BU-

UTT!

FIRE!
on 19 Feb 2009 at 6:45 pm75uppity cracka

KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!!!!!!!

CURTIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS!!!!!!!
on 19 Feb 2009 at 6:47 pm76Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Best line ever in a Trek film… ‘Target that explosion and fire’.

Takei can play butch with the best of them.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 7:12 pm77Gummy Oldrubble

Beverley Hillbillies
Greenacres
Mr Ed
F Troop
Original Batman
on 19 Feb 2009 at 7:29 pm78uppity cracka

i think you just dated yourself, smog.

and i’m not talking about masturbation.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 7:30 pm79Ben

no, they just got those shows in NZ.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 7:31 pm80uppity cracka

did yoyo’s family finally put him in a home recently?
where’s he been?
on 19 Feb 2009 at 7:31 pm81American Psycho

great photoshop work God. Er, I mean thanks for showing us Manatee Latifah’s true form.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 7:32 pm82uppity cracka

ben-79:

countryFACE!
on 19 Feb 2009 at 7:33 pm83uppity cracka

i know, psycho. it makes you wonder, too. what other celebrity disguises blind us?
on 19 Feb 2009 at 7:35 pm84uppity cracka

top 5 weirdest celebrities!

go!
on 19 Feb 2009 at 7:38 pm85Anonymous

THIS IS ANNE

In my religion, Queen Latifah is a Goddess, no matter how many bad movies she’s in.

TV themes? My poor brain! I can actually SING “Gilligan’s Island,” “Mr. Ed,” “Green Acres,” “Beverly Hillbillies” (fvcking hillbillies, but good banjo by Scruggs in that theme) and … this one is the worst … “Fresh Prince of Bel Air.”

The only way I justify knowing that last one is that I live near Philly. Oh yeah, and Teenzilla knows that one too.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 7:38 pm86God

You are welcome Psycho. From now on refer to her as Manateefah.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 7:40 pm87uppity cracka

michael jackson
andy warhol
david lynch
richard simmons
madonna, no, she’s just stupid
elvis
on 19 Feb 2009 at 7:40 pm88Anonymous

ANNE

1. That guy who does the ShamWow infomercial.
2. Ron Popeil (they might be one and the same)
3. Merf Griffin
4. “Where’s the Beef” lady
5. Michael Steele
on 19 Feb 2009 at 7:42 pm89Evangelist Curtis

Micheal Jackson
Tiny Tim (RIP)
Marilyn Manson
Britney Spears
Paula Abdul
on 19 Feb 2009 at 7:51 pm90uppity cracka

all musicians, eh, curtis?

or should i use dick fingers there?

all “musicians”, eh, curtis?
on 19 Feb 2009 at 7:55 pm91Evangelist Curtis

Huh. Didn’t notice that. Are you certain Britney Spears is a “musician”? I’d like to put that up to a vote.

You could include Liz Taylor and for that matter William Shatner on that list too.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 7:58 pm92uppity cracka

all famous due to some variation of “music”, eh, curtis?
on 19 Feb 2009 at 7:59 pm93Josh

1. Mini me
2. Ernest (Hey Verne!)
3. Courtney Love
4. Pete Doherty
5. JLo
on 19 Feb 2009 at 7:59 pm94American Psycho

Top 5 wierdest celebrities? I don’t know where to start…

Tom Cruise
on 19 Feb 2009 at 8:00 pm95Josh

Cracka,
Please visit this blog, it’s like a mirror into your soul

http://www.unnecessaryquotes.com/
on 19 Feb 2009 at 8:12 pm96Evangelist Curtis

Come to think of it, William Shatner did cut a record but I still don’t think that qualifies him as a “musician” either. He did a cut of Mr. Tambourine man that was really weird.

And that reminds me of a perfect shirt for Cracka that reads:

I “sometimes” use air quotes.
“dick fingers” never looses it’s funny.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 8:13 pm97American Psycho

THERE
on 19 Feb 2009 at 8:17 pm98Evangelist Curtis

Josh - “great” blog!
on 19 Feb 2009 at 8:17 pm99Evangelist Curtis

What?
on 19 Feb 2009 at 8:18 pm100Evangelist Curtis

Nailed it!
on 19 Feb 2009 at 8:19 pm101Josh

nicely done curtis, nicely done.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 8:23 pm102Evangelist Curtis

Thanks, Josh. I just gained an inch and 1/2.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 8:26 pm103American Psycho

Shit! I got called away from my desk and couldn’t complete my first run at 100.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 8:30 pm104Evangelist Curtis

AP, there is always “200″. Best of luck.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 8:41 pm105anne johnson

GaaaaAAAAAaaaa! I am SO gonna get fired from my job if anyone sees me reading God’s Holy Blog there! God, please PLEASE start hating some white people! There are plenty to choose from. How about hillbillies? White trash? Jerry Springer?

Oh man. Weird celebrity. Jerry Springer!

Curtis, you’re gonna want to impale your lunch ladies. Today for lunch we had:

1. Southwestern taco soup: basically not fondue, clear broth vegetable soup with black beans and tex-mex seasoning, served over crumbled tortilla chips.

2. Baked cod with breadcrumb crust, served on a bed of stewed tomatoes.

3. Lightly steamed snow peas, broccoli, and asparagus — not from a freezer bag.

Cookies for dessert.

All prepared and served by people who LOVE QUEEN LATIFAH! So please, God. Have mercy.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 8:46 pm106Ben

that’s really funny anne. i just picture you looking around first and then going to the site with the negroloid month post and scrolling down as fast as you can to hide the picture.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 8:47 pm107Smoggy Batzrubble

Bjork
Dog the Bounty Hunter
Prince Charles
V.S. Naipaul
Sarah Palin
on 19 Feb 2009 at 8:58 pm108Evangelist Curtis

Oh, Smoggy. Palin is a false celebrity at best. Please don’t mention her again. I’m still nauseous from her campaign “speeches”.

I think we should necessarily use “dick fingers” for the rest of the day and well into tomorrow.

Anne - the hospital kitchen harpooning of the lunch ladies was a blood bath, so we all have to brown bag it tomorrow.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 8:59 pm109Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Fuck. I wish I’d been there…

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1149604/Snubbed-Coldplay-bounce-live-gig-cheered-Gwyneth-Sienna.html
on 19 Feb 2009 at 8:59 pm110Evangelist Curtis

* uh, that was supposed to read “un-necessarily”. geesh.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 9:01 pm111Evangelist Curtis

I’ve heard that only crazy cat ladies and gays like Cold Play.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 9:02 pm112God

I have a favor to demand of all who love Me.

Sign up for Stumbleupon.com, and then visit this link:
http://www.stumbleupon.com/url/stuffgodhates.com/
and give My Divine Blog as positive review. Also visit the site through this link and click on the thumbs up button.

If you do this I shall bless you.

If not I shall smite you so fricking hard!
on 19 Feb 2009 at 9:04 pm113Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Will lightining bolts come out of Your Arse?
on 19 Feb 2009 at 9:06 pm114God

Yes. And they will strike your vagina, or anus, or penis as the case may be.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 9:10 pm115Evangelist Curtis

Done and done, Sir.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 9:10 pm116Kraig

Fat Woman are not attractive on any level. Of any race, creed or color.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 9:12 pm117Kraig

Fucking IT bastards blocked me.
Lord Almighty please smite those smug IT pricks in their cypher locked office with their non-stop porn.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 9:24 pm118Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Why is Jade Goody famous?
on 19 Feb 2009 at 9:27 pm119uppity cracka

jade goody is so famous that i have NO IDEA who jade goody is.
then again, i’m no pop culture media WHORE like nun.

kraig, smite them yourself. God helps those who help themselves.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 9:31 pm120God

Thank you Curtis. I forgive you for any past, present and future anal transgressions.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 9:44 pm121Josh

Done and Done Father, even though you did not come through with that job at Conan.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 9:45 pm122Ben

Dear God,

I’m the one who first posted Your Divine Blog on stumbleupon in the first place! How many inches can I expect for that??
on 19 Feb 2009 at 9:45 pm123Josh

kraig,
the fat white girl who won top model is pretty hot, I’d bang her everyday and twice on Sundays (for the Lord of course)
on 19 Feb 2009 at 9:46 pm124Ben

where the hell is yoyo? maybe he got tired of us making jokes about him being an old geezer.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 9:47 pm125Josh

maybe the old geezer died.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 9:49 pm126God

Thank you Josh. Bless you. I did not give you that job at Conan because I am preparing you for something even greater. Besides, you don’t belong in L.A., what with all the shemales and such. Your blessing will melt your mind with wonderfulness when you become ready for Me to reveal it to you.

Ben, I will bless you with an extra 5 inches for doing that, putting you now at an even 8. My Blog has received almost twice as much traffic since then, and positive reviews from My faithful flock will only bring more.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 9:57 pm127Josh

You do work in mysterious ways Lord!!!
I’m giddy with anticipation of Your blessing(s)

And you are so right, I hate LA, but that job might have been sweet like bear meat.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 10:06 pm128Nun Ur Damned Bizness

For the people who don’t know who Jade Goody is…

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/02/20/world/europe/20britain.html?_r=2&hp

White trash is the same in the UK as it is in the States. The whole Alfie Patten story is shameful.

Humanity is disgusting. No wonder God’s so cranky all the time.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 10:06 pm129uppity cracka

consider Your positive review written. as soon as i’m at a computer that the IT dept. doesn’t control. i’ll try not to offend anyone…but i probably will anyway.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 10:07 pm130uppity cracka

You’ll know it’s me because i won’t use capital letters. i hate them. they’re stupid. You know when the beginning of the sentence is, right? so what’s the point?
on 19 Feb 2009 at 10:09 pm131Josh

has anyone seen Franklin Ajaye’s BET (Yeah I know) comedy special? Trust me it is nothing like you would think a BET comedy special is, none of that “white people dial a phone like this beep beep beep, but black people dial like this BEEP BEEP MOther fucker!.

He does a joke that talks about how God works in mysterious ways, and we can not question it and if we were to do that same thing people would think we were nuts. “Franklin this is the worst spreadsheet I have ever seen, the numbers don’t add up or make sense!” Franklin replies, “I work in mysterious ways, it will all be revealed to you in due time.”

I cant do the joke justice in this medium, and it’s not on youtube.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 10:09 pm132Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Do I have to download that stupid toolbar to sign up for Stumble Upon?
on 19 Feb 2009 at 10:10 pm133Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Never mind. Sorry. My vagina makes me dumb.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 10:11 pm134Nun Ur Damned Bizness

I don’t watch black people unless they’re drinking malt liquor and smoking spliffs, Josh. I prefer my blacks with a dose of reality.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 10:19 pm135uppity cracka

nun only watches black people rap and hoop and sling “dope”.

(those were for you, curtis)
on 19 Feb 2009 at 10:22 pm136Nun Ur Damned Bizness

I did Your review, God. I’m just not sure it’s as humorous as I’d like it to be.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 10:26 pm137Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Cracka’s stupid and doesn’t understand that drinking malt liquor and smoking spliffs doesn’t include rap and basketball.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 10:32 pm138uppity cracka

jesus, nun, i was simply adding a couple of stereotypes to your bland joke in hopes of saving it from the memory hole. guess i’ll have to mosey over to stumpleupon and spice up your unfunny review, too.

whore.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 10:34 pm139God

Nun and Cracka, thanks in advance for your praise.

I have learned that if you wish the world to see your review, you will have to click on your user name, navigate to the account preferences section and upload a picture of some kind. Doing so would be an immense show of respect and love, and command an extra 3 inches of whatever you desire.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 10:39 pm140Josh

done and done Lord!
on 19 Feb 2009 at 10:42 pm141uppity cracka

3 inches!!! yowzah!!!

i’d be totally on the outside of my body!!
on 19 Feb 2009 at 10:46 pm142Nun Ur Damned Bizness

That wasn’t a joke, Cracka. Blacks are good for drinking malt liquor, smoking spliffs and fucking my vajayjay. I don’t give a shit about rap or basketball.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 10:47 pm143Nun Ur Damned Bizness

God, I don’t need three inches. I have massive titties and I don’t want a huge, hanging clitty. Can I just have some of Your precious precious chiba?
on 19 Feb 2009 at 10:58 pm144God

Done!
on 19 Feb 2009 at 11:06 pm145Anonymous

ANNE

I couldn’t sign up, didn’t want to anyway, but I think I successfully left a review. Does that get Mr. Johnson another 1 1/2 inches? NO, THAT’S OKAY, REALLY, HE’S ALREADY A JOHNSON.

Honestly, o Smiteful Spirit, I could see my review there! It said, “Whatever you do, if you have any decency whatsoever, don’t go near that horror of a site!”
on 19 Feb 2009 at 11:07 pm146Anonymous

Yeah, I just looked again. It’s there. And to think I do this for God without asking Him to reciprocate for “The Gods Are Bored!”
on 19 Feb 2009 at 11:08 pm147Anonymous

… and I don’t even have the bad taste to provide the link. This is God’s site. Pagans have respect for all deities, no matter how psycho the deities are.
on 19 Feb 2009 at 11:33 pm148uppity cracka

take a nap, johnson. you’re babbling.
on 20 Feb 2009 at 12:05 am149Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Your review doesn’t seem to be public, Anne.
on 20 Feb 2009 at 12:31 am150Nun Ur Damned Bizness

People need to keep a watchful eye on their bank accounts for bank charges that don’t belong.
on 20 Feb 2009 at 12:40 am151uppity cracka

okay. is it arbitrary statement time or what?
on 20 Feb 2009 at 2:13 am152Douche bag

God, I’ll sign up. I’ll do it for You. I don’t need 3 inches either, so could I just have that job I really want? If not, I’ll understand. I’m not doing it for the job, God, I’m doing it for You.
on 20 Feb 2009 at 3:58 am153Douche bag

God, I tried in vain to sign up. My computer would not allow it. What can I do God? I support You 100%.
on 20 Feb 2009 at 11:04 am154okijohn

Are manatees any good to eat? Lots of meat on those suckers!
on 20 Feb 2009 at 1:03 pm155Dr. Herbman

manatees have more fat than meat dumbass…

shit, god, where is the skunk bless that i asked for ?

DAAANM YOU!
on 20 Feb 2009 at 1:05 pm156Dr. Herbman

mantees have more fat than eat dumbass…

GOOOOD, where is the skunk blessing that i asked for ?

DAAAANM YOU!

let me roll another joint!
on 20 Feb 2009 at 1:16 pm157uppity cracka

short term memory is the first thing to go, herbman.
on 20 Feb 2009 at 1:19 pm158Dr. Herbman

god, i want some of your precious chiba too.

so i can smoke with Nun and show how to fuck her from behind.
than i show some parts fo the video!

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
on 20 Feb 2009 at 1:26 pm159Dr. Herbman

danm, i´m speeling everything wrong…

bad, bad chiba…
see god, without your bless on the chiba, my memory is getting fucked up…
even cracka that is a really cracka notice.

Why ? Why?

WHYYYYY ?

thank you for the words cracka!
can you pass me the Nun so i can get some Fun ?
on 20 Feb 2009 at 1:33 pm160anne johnson

Geez, and they say I’m babbling. Sorry if my praise and worship doesn’t show up on the stumble site, God. I’ll try again later. I do enjoy Your holy rants.
on 20 Feb 2009 at 1:35 pm161anne johnson

Anyone know a computer geek who will work for bj’s?
on 20 Feb 2009 at 1:38 pm162God

It’s ok Anne, I forgive you for your incompetence. You’d fare better if computers were made of grass and tree-bark.
on 20 Feb 2009 at 1:49 pm163Dr. Herbman

how can i register myself on the blog ?

life is a shit… how i did not get my bless yet!
on 20 Feb 2009 at 3:23 pm164Josh

Anne,
Where should I send my resume?
on 20 Feb 2009 at 3:37 pm165uppity cracka

something tells me herbman is not from around here.

anne,
any man on earth will work for BJs. you just need to find one who’s good with ‘puters.
on 20 Feb 2009 at 3:41 pm166uppity cracka

mystery science theater 3000.

any fans?
on 20 Feb 2009 at 4:02 pm167Evangelist Curtis

God has blessed me by having the hospital put on a “carry in” for lunch today!! It’s a good thing, because I harpooned all the fatty lunch ladies yesterday, so no fondue today!!!

I think this would be a good day to use exclamation points unnecessarily!!!!!!
on 20 Feb 2009 at 4:29 pm168Josh

#165 Cracka,
working for bj’s and working for BJs are two totally different things.
on 20 Feb 2009 at 4:37 pm169Ben

haha, face.
on 20 Feb 2009 at 5:05 pm170uppity cracka

yeah, one’s posessive and one’s plural.
one’s like saying, “i work for bj’s strip club as a bouncer.”
the other is like saying, “BJ stands for blow job.”

reverseFACE.
on 20 Feb 2009 at 5:08 pm171Ben

you know what’s awesome? no one’s told me to shut up in a while.

yo, where the fuck is yoyo?
on 20 Feb 2009 at 5:22 pm172Josh

cracka,
BJs stands for toilet paper in packages of 500, as in http://www.BJS.com

PS - you can’t call face for yourself. It doesn’t work that way!

Face rules FACE!
on 20 Feb 2009 at 5:27 pm173uppity cracka

ironicFACE!
on 20 Feb 2009 at 5:28 pm174uppity cracka

having ben call FACEs is like having ed hochuli ref a football game. just because he said it doesn’t mean it makes sense.
on 20 Feb 2009 at 5:30 pm175Evangelist Curtis

Spinach salad, lettuce salad, deviled egg, cole slaw, tomato salad, lasagna, bratwurst, meat ball, meatloaf with spinach stuffing, and Alma’s homemade yeast rolls!

I.LOVE.CARRY_INS!!!!!!!
on 20 Feb 2009 at 5:55 pm176Bridgette

“Speak and act as those who are going to be judged by the law that gives freedom, because judgment without mercy will be shown to anyone who has not been merciful. Mercy triumphs over judgment!”

James 2:12
on 20 Feb 2009 at 5:58 pm177Evangelist Curtis

YAY!!!

Bridgette used an exclamation point AND “dick fingers”!!

And something from the New Testament for a change. My day just keeps getting better and better.
on 20 Feb 2009 at 6:08 pm178Dr. Herbman

around where cracka ?

Shut up Ben!
on 20 Feb 2009 at 6:18 pm179uppity cracka

herbman-”around where crack (question mark)”
what the hell am i supposed to make of that????

bridgette, i didn’t mean that you should dig deeper in your bag of quotes, i meant you should use some higher reasoning to find proof of god’s existence and then share your historical epiphany with us. dumb lardass.

curtis, is carry-in what the midwesterners call a potluck?
on 20 Feb 2009 at 6:28 pm180uppity cracka

WAIT! i got it.
herbman’s not from around here.
from around where, cracka?

you don’t seem american, herb.

are you gonna let him tell you to shut up, ben?
on 20 Feb 2009 at 6:29 pm181Josh

I like how every quote Bridy digs up, is actually a verse that condemns her own behavior. People read the Bible for comfort, they never read it for comprehension and understanding.
on 20 Feb 2009 at 6:35 pm182Ben

i’ve noticed a lot of self-claimed brazilians here lately. i’m guessing dr. herb is from brazil.

hey dr. herbman, if you need weed why don’t you just kidnap a tourist and sell their organs for some? that’s what brazilians are good at. face!
on 20 Feb 2009 at 6:49 pm183Evangelist Curtis

Potluck = carry in = over ate = bloated = sleepy = naptime
on 20 Feb 2009 at 7:17 pm184Josh

ben #182,
They are also good at fucked up plastic surgery. Hola!
on 20 Feb 2009 at 7:20 pm185uppity cracka

speaking of brazil, the home of pele, the star of the most overrated sport in the universe, anyone see that movie “city of god”? i remember that i liked it, but i think was drunk. actually, from now on, just assume i was drinking unless i specify that i wasn’t.

‘nite, curtis. if you wake up with morningwood call josh. i heard he’s into that.
on 20 Feb 2009 at 7:21 pm186uppity cracka

double-country-FACE!
on 20 Feb 2009 at 7:21 pm187The L Woman

Ben - man, you’re clever.

About kidnap tourist and sell their organs, maybe if you go to Rio de Janeiro. All those crazy things you’ll find there.
But here where we are, nothing happens at all. As we had nothing to do, the Almighty enlighted our minds and showed us his blog. Now, here we are!

Nun - you rule! (after God, of course)
on 20 Feb 2009 at 7:23 pm188uppity cracka

hey, herbman, do you guys have soccer-hooligans down there like they do in the UK?
on 20 Feb 2009 at 7:41 pm189Josh

City of God was good, but that was aslo Rio, as was the documentray Bus 174 (also good and sad)

However Brazile i sknown for it’s wild sex. As a Brazillian friend of mine who just got deported told me, “In Brazile I have girlfriend, now I have boyfriend. It’s a Brazillian thing”

Aslo see the drunk chick on Rock of Love, she’s from Brazile, and she threw up and then kissed Brett “Hair Wig” Michaels.

The plastic surgery thing is totally Brazile, just ask Usher’s wife.
on 20 Feb 2009 at 7:55 pm190The L Woman

Man, I don’t understand why Usher’s wife came to Brazil to do it.
They have so much money, why he just didn’t pay the best doctor in USA to do her surgery?
Do you think he did it on purpose to get rid of her? Payed the worst doctor to put an end on his wedding.
Than he would be single and free again.
Hey Cracka, if you were as rich as Usher is, would you do the same to have your freedom back?
on 20 Feb 2009 at 8:02 pm191Nun Ur Damned Bizness

I liked ‘City of God’. That was a great film even though it was dark and disturbing. I’ve read that the “runts” in that film now rule the slums of Rio and they’re bad-ass little fuckers. Worse than the baddy from the movie… Little Ze.
on 20 Feb 2009 at 8:02 pm192Ben

City of God was pretty good. not as good as everyone says it is, but it was good. i could’ve gone for more of the little kid shooting people. that was cool.

you know what else brazilians are know for? their wax. any one here have or willing to get one of those? nothing quite like a red but baby clean anus and taint.
on 20 Feb 2009 at 8:03 pm193Nun Ur Damned Bizness

L,

Word on the street is that Usher wasn’t aware she went down to Brazil for that reason.
on 20 Feb 2009 at 8:09 pm194Josh

she went to brazille because there the doctors will take out more fat than an US doctor will and it can be a secret.

I have a friend who goes to Brazile for surgery, she’s an older comic who says she’s 29 (but is really 40!) but I’d hit it.
on 20 Feb 2009 at 8:14 pm195The L Woman

Ok, I dind’t know about that.
on 20 Feb 2009 at 8:15 pm196Kraig

Josh
WTF wont you hit?
on 20 Feb 2009 at 8:20 pm197uppity cracka

seriously, guys. MST3K. one of the greatest shows ever. plus, it’s from minnesota (which means it’s either awesome or the secret ingredients are cream of mushroom soup and sour cream) nobody? anybody?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QRB3xDg5pnU
on 20 Feb 2009 at 8:23 pm198uppity cracka

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_EAXYH4b4yM&feature=related
on 20 Feb 2009 at 8:24 pm199Josh

I would not hit the following:
Rosie, Lohan’s girlfrien, Eva Longwhoria, Kate Moss, Lily Allen (But i would hit Debbie Allen!), Katie Price, anyone from the cast of Roseanne, anyone with a penis, anyone under the age of 18 (well maybe 17), anyone not human (maybe that green alien from Star wars) or alive, anyone who can not see their own genitals, anyone who you can see their ribs between their breats.

I have standards, there are lines I will not cross
on 20 Feb 2009 at 8:25 pm200Josh

that was a funny show cracka, I watched in on basic cable back in the day. When they switched hosts though, it was never the same.
on 20 Feb 2009 at 8:29 pm201Josh

oh yeah, the one that can only be? ME!!!!!
on 20 Feb 2009 at 9:00 pm202uppity cracka

the original guy, joel hodgson, used to do the show live. people would bring in bad movies, one would be selected and he’d free-riff in front of the audience with his robots.

the next guy, mike nelson, was the head writer for the original guy…who started on public access and signed with comedy channel, which later became comedy central. he left before the show moved to scifi, so mike replaced him and definitely had some of the funniest episodes. overall, however, the scifi channel weakened the show by insisting they use only scifi movies, which gave them less material to work with…and more boring material.

i’m done with my MST3K rant now.
on 20 Feb 2009 at 9:01 pm203Nun Ur Damned Bizness

I’m no techological guru but “artifact of the data collection process” sounds like bullshit to me.

http://tech.yahoo.com/blogs/patterson/39274
on 20 Feb 2009 at 9:11 pm204uppity cracka

nobody shuts up quite like ben.

as for the rest of you…you all fuck off in your own special ways.
on 20 Feb 2009 at 9:51 pm205anne johnson

Teenzilla’s downstairs doing housework and making nice with her daddy so he’ll lift the MIGHTY SMITE GROUNDING I put on her wild little ass.

Thank all of you fellows for offering to help with my computer problems. Take a number and be seated, Anne will be with you shortly!

Not you, Ben. Not even at the end of the line. Or Smoggy either. Think I’m gonna put my lips around something that’s been inside a sheep?
on 20 Feb 2009 at 9:53 pm206anne johnson

LOL Josh knows the difference between BJ’s and bjs. They probably don’t have BJ’s in backwater places like Minnesota.
on 20 Feb 2009 at 11:05 pm207anne johnson

See what happens when I offer to buy you dudes a family-size package of Hunt’s Tomato Paste?
on 21 Feb 2009 at 1:29 am208Evangelist Curtis

Anne, just for the record. I’m not interested in your BJ skills because I can’t reciprocate properly. I’m frightened by “fun pouches”. We can just be friends, but I do have a partner who played a significant part in building the data base for Scotland Yard back in the day. If we can help, please let me know.

‘Night, internuts — have a good weekend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(unnecessary exclamation marks!)
on 21 Feb 2009 at 2:13 am209Lyds

More holy scripture:

(for Bridgette, at whom I’d love to lobby-eth the holy hand grenade of Antioch)

Armaments, chapter 2, verses 9 to 21:

And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, ‘O Lord, bless this Thy hand grenade that, with it, Thou mayest blow Thine enemies to tiny bits in Thy mercy.’

And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and…

(skip a bit)

And the Lord spake, saying, ‘First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three. No more. No less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then, lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.

AMEN!
on 21 Feb 2009 at 2:15 am210okijohn

I bet manatees would make great bacon. They look like swimming pigs. dr. herbman is a moron.

Gonna fire up the smoker and go looking for queen latifah…
on 21 Feb 2009 at 3:04 pm211uppity cracka

no BJs in MN. must be an east coast thing.

hmm…your mind may be just sick enough, okijohn. wait up, let me find my boltgun.
on 21 Feb 2009 at 6:06 pm212Dr. Herbman

remake the question
on 21 Feb 2009 at 6:23 pm213anne johnson

Yeah, Curtis, I didn’t figure you’d want a bj. Let’s just go to Starbucks.
on 21 Feb 2009 at 7:14 pm214Ben

HEY DR. HERBMAN,

If you are looking to have your own picture with your name, you need to sign up at gravatar.com and upload a picture, assign it to your email, and then when you post here enter this same email in along with your name. Wait 20 minutes and clear out your browser cache. Then you will see your new picture! Looking forward to seeing what you choose.

Your friendly neighborhood gravatar support specialist,

Ben
on 21 Feb 2009 at 7:35 pm215anne johnson

Shut up, carrot top.
on 21 Feb 2009 at 9:10 pm216uppity cracka

there he goes again:

clear your cache!!

you owe me another nickel.
on 21 Feb 2009 at 10:14 pm217Ben

shutup, cracka
on 24 Feb 2009 at 9:55 am218Master Shake

Shut up hamsterboy
on 13 Apr 2009 at 12:47 am219Anonymous

Hey guys, why don’t you GROW THE HELL UP. Stop picking on people who are better looking and more sucessful than you. It’s not their fault that you’re a pathetic loser who has no life, no friends and nothing to live for.
on 13 Apr 2009 at 1:24 am220Josh

Anonymous,
You don’t get the joke. plus you lack any courage to even use any type of name. Is that you Queen? If so, I’d still sleep with you, even if it meant I would incur God’s divine wrath. call me. I know you’re not into dudes, but I can wear a wig.
on 24 May 2009 at 11:26 am221

what kind of website is this?

queen latifah is good person and havent done anything to no one or you…

what the hell ya’ll talking about

she’s BLACK, BEAUTIFUL, and a STRONG WOMEN,

A ROLE MODEL