Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
Today I would like to talk of My severe hatred for the mythological figure known as ‘Cupid.’
Cupid is a fat punk with a small baby-dick. He’s never gotten anyone to fall in love and you know why? He doesn’t exist. He’s fictional. No one’s ever seen him, and no one has any proof of his existence. And yet you humans all believe it is he who makes you all fall in love.
BULLSHIT! ONLY I, THE ALMIGHTY LORD, CAN MAKE TWO HUMANS FALL IN LOVE! Not some drunken Greek baby-pervert who shoots you in the heart, ME! I’m the one who stimulates your genitals every time you see that certain someone, and next thing you know you’re married. And what genitals I have joined together, let no man put asunder.
Stupid fucking Cupid! He and Hallmark and all the rest of you pussified eunuchs have ruined what used to be a good Christian holiday! Valentine’s Day used to be about Saint Valentine.
Let Me tell you a thing or two about old Saint Valentine. He was a swell guy. Back in the 3rd century he got arrested for marrying Christians. Emperor Claudius II took a shine to him and was about to let him go. Well, that’s when Valentine doubled-down and tried to convert the Emperor of Rome.
Imagine! The balls! The incredible balls he had! Oh, what I wouldn’t give for more evangelists like Valentine today.
Well anyway, Claudius wasn’t sold (he worshipped false ‘gods’ like Cupid), and he had Valentine beaten with clubs and stones and then publicly beheaded.
So you see? The true meaning of Valentine’s Day is not about love, or candy, or flowers, or even fucking your spouse in a nice hotel room. It’s about having gigantic, glorious balls of Christian steel. It’s about pushing your luck as far as it can go, so long as you convert more heathens to Christianity. It’s about Extreme Evangelism. It’s about, like, really disregarding all personal safety and trying to convert people you have no business fucking with.
Confused? Stuck for what to do this Valentine’s Day? Some ideas:
Visit the forest and feed a grizzly bear three pounds of steak loaded with cocaine and horse-steroids. Then poke him with a stick and preach the gospels till he converts.
Learn Arabic and go to Iraq to preach the word. Stand on a street corner and call them all dirty heathens and see how it goes.
Go online and try and convert atheists with lines of scripture. Hmm…on second thought, ignore that one. That’s actually not very extreme at all – very little chance of death there.
Only now do you understand how awesome Saint Valentine is when compared to Cupid. And so I ask you humans, why no special holiday cards that celebrate our poor beheaded Saint Valentine? I’m looking at him right now in Heaven and he looks awful down about it. Come on people, he deserves at least one.
ERGGHH! FUCK YOU CUPID! YOU HOLIDAY THIEF!
freebiesss on 
TheEvilOverlord on 
God on 
Craig on 
samanta on 
ShunRenHu on 
I’m first!
fucker! I don’t care about centuries anymore, but first would be cool.
Great post God! Love the card, think I’ll send that to my loved ones this year.
Valentine sounds like a badass. Too bad he got his head chopped off though. That’s a bit of a show stopper.
is it you who estimulates my genitals when I see another man? thanks!
I’m a slutty type person who gets horny whenever I see a man who isn’t Cracka so God is stimulating my genitals all the time. I love God!!
God,
I would like to use Your Divine Saint Valentine’s Day Card for my son’s primary class this year. I’m so tired of Spiderman and Snoopy Valentines and I feel that Your Valentine card is both educational and Christian. I think it’s important to let small children know that You like it when they die in Your Honor. Do I have Your permission to use that Valentine’s Day Card, O Beautiful Lord?
To me thios post is all about the dog in the card, he’s getting a good meal. I wonder if he converted.
Cristian - Yes, that is also Me. But you are not allowed to follow those impulses because I am testing you. For the rest of your life.
Nun - Yes, please distribute that card as much as possible. In fact, I will be providing a link later to make this as easy as possible.
Josh - Yes, the dog converted and went on to convert the entire canine race.
this is going to be the best Goddamned valentine’s day EVER!! i think i’m going to stand on eat street by all the trendy restaurants and show people my divine boner while holding a head on a stake (to represent our dearly departed saint) as i calmly and succinctly explain to them where both boners and valentines day come from. i see it going pretty well for me.
“see this, heathens?! this is God’s work!! now get on your knees and pray!!!”
i may have to force them on their knees at first but they’ll come around when they hear the truth. they always do.
Cracka - I appreciate you and your enthusiasm for extreme evangelism, so I will forgive your blasphemy.
Your plan is sound, however I think it would be more effective if you made the decapitated head perform oral sex on you, and then you made love to the bloody neck-stump while quoting scriptures. Also, make sure the head is from a prominent local atheist or scientist.
DONE AND DONE, SIR!!!
Sex with a skull is the only sex Cracka can get. HAHA!!
God, one of Your best posts - EVER! I especially like the round-a-bout way you insulted a particular fatty who likes to quote irrelevant scriptures. She won’t get it, but we do.
You also wrote:
“Imagine! The balls! The incredible balls he had! Oh, what I wouldn’t give for more evangelists like Valentine today.”
I am inspired. I’m really going to give it my all and do some EXTREME evangelism. I’m going to change my preaching style to sound like a monster truck rally announcer and cut off Muslim penises so those dirty sand dwellers won’t be able to rape and impregnate ugly Muslim women. Others will convert and bathe. Either way, the Muslim religion will soon peter out (nice pun).
Anne: Pizza, green beans, beef vegetable soup, and chocolate pudding pie.
Bah! My kid doesn’t like God’s Divine Valentine’s Day Card… he says it’s scary and will make the girls in his class cry. I beat him severely and told him that to honor God we must scare people and make them cry… that is the only way they’ll learn about God’s Divine Love.
Good plan, Nun. How else is that loser kid of yours going to learn all about God’s love?
Great post God
I personally hate every single one of those shitty child faced pretty boy types. Unless you have a horrible face you don’t have to develop a good personality. Am I right Cracka?
Curtis – Tyrone’s lunch: chocolate milk, house salad (just iceberg lettuce and a few carrot pieces), hotdog, and potato chips. And no I did not split it with the insolent Anne Johnson!
WHY GOD?? WHY?!?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blossom_Dearie
that’s true, you fucking stupid imaginary fairy.
curtis, the monster truck voice is brilliant. i am going to outright steal that one and add it to my repertoire.
nun-w.h.o.r.e.
Nun = w.h.o.r.e.
Woman
Has
Only
Relations
Ethnics
with Ethnics!!! Him Damn it!
Woman
Has
Only
Relations with
Ethnics
Sir, we are in luck. all due to Your Brilliant Omnipotence, of course. You have foreseen that i would be in need of a severed atheist head before i even knew it (praise God) and scheduled one “doctor” richard dawkins (doctor of what, sciencey bullshit?) to lecture at the U of M campus. hahahaha!!! it will be so easy to hack my way through those pacifistic, faggy college kids in their hemp clothes and patchouli stink!!! dawkins’ head will be MINE!!!!!!!! GLORIOUS!!!!!!
Wonderful! It is, of course, all unfolding as I planned.
Bring Me the head of Dawkins and everlasting glory shall be yours!
Hey!! I fuck whities too!! I am not a whore by any definition you fucking bastards!
Chris Martin cut his hair and now he looks like a cute little gay boy again. I hope you’re happy, Gwyneth Paltrow! I no longer want to fuck your pretty boy man.
God,
Everlasting glory already belongs to Cracka. He has the smallest penis known to man which brings him glory from all the other small-dicked losers who are ecstatic to find out a penis exists on a human that is smaller than theirs.
THIS IS ANNE
Fake “Mop Room Fairy,” you are a fvcking racist (oops, typed fascist, both apply). Every one of my students is a minority, and I do not appreciate you making fun of them. You want Tyrone? Go read “Long Day’s Journey into Night.” Fvcker.
As to Cupid, OH WHAT A SWEET LITTLE GODLING! Valentine got what he deserved. As for me and my house, we hang with CUPID!!!!
God, are you aware that Thursday is Charles Darwin’s centennial? Talk about someone who smacked You down. He busted Your Book and cleaned Your clock.
Nun,
I have a huge penis (it’s like a mop handle) and technically I’m black or maybe you could say greyish, so can I have your phone number? I know how to treat a woman on a date, usually I give them half of the lnch I stole from a child.
Anne, you confuse me. You disrespect God by not worshipping Him but then you capitalize properly for him too. I think He’s wearing you down.
FUCK! that should hve been ‘for Him too.’
Anne,
Do not become angered because I address your children by their names. Please tell me there is not a Tyrone in your class. Tomorrow I will steal Steven’s lunch if it makes you happier. However on Wednesday, I heard Deshawn is bringing in Doritos so his lunch is mine!!!!!
MRF,
Gray? Really? Not that I can see, you look green. and I tried to get some Nun boob pictures, it’s a dead end man. Good luck though.
The mop room fairy isn’t like any of the fairies I know. She frightens me.
Mop Room Fairy,
Will you sneak into my son’s room at night and make it seem like his nightmares have come to life?
And will you manifest as random hotties that I’d like to fuck? Matthew McConaughey and Johnny Depp are faves but I’ll also take L.L. Cool J, Colin Farrell, Marcus Trufant, Samuel L Jackson, Gary Sandy, Tim Curry, Will Smith, David Duchovny, David Letterman, Sean Connery, Joe Elliott, Chris Martin when he looks like a straight man, George Clooney, Rob Morrow, Barack Obama, Miles Montgomery, Ted Wass, Shia LaBeouf, Denzel Washington, God… well, I could go on and on but I’m sure you get the picture.
Please note the lack of chinky-chongs on my list, Josh.
My kid has been having nightmares about aliens invading his school and home. I swear to God that I don’t let him watch The X-Files but I do find it ironic.
Aliens are going to colonize the Earth in 2012 y’all. I wonder whose side God will be on.
THIS IS ANNE
If The Fake Fairy Who Calls Himself Mop Room could manifest as anything other than a butt-ugly pimply little man-bird, he certainly would have done it by now. Stop. Insulting. My. Students. By. Making. Fun. Of. Their. Names.
Ben, I use proper grammar and spelling as mandated by this holy blog. We are supposed to capitalize God’s name, etc. Besides, I recognize Him as God, I just don’t think He’s the best God.
Cracka, if you try to behead Dawkins, prepare for a fight. Since atheists don’t believe in an afterlife, they tend to try to hold on to present life as long as they can.
i’m prepared. i’m going to train like rocky. all i have to do is take off my shirt and turn on the 80s montage music. headband? check. writsbands? check. zubaz? check. hulkamania muscle shirt? check. this motherfucker is going do-own.
nun, you’ll be sad to know that i have been clapping and believing a lot lately and my penis is up to a respectable 7 inches. after i earn the glory of beheading richard dawkins my schlong will be MASSIVE. plus, the secret power of century quickenings………extra dick. ben didn’t feel the effects because his crotch is one big stinky asshole. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!
Nun,
I can manifest as other people, but my curse is they are all ugly. I can be present day Mickey Rourke, but not him from 9 and a Half weeks. I can also become Ernest Borgnine and Ron Jeremy. What I can do is scare your child and for an added bonus I will tell him I am only able to appear to him and not his friends because their mother’s love keeps me away from them and his mother’s hatred of him has summoned me.
Anne,
Again I am not making fun of their names; we can argue the ethnic bias of certain names (Do you know any white people named Tyrone or DeShawn?). You work in an “urban” school, aka black one, and therefore certain names that the African American community has embraced will be represented. Those are the facts, do not get mad at me, a person who was once your friend and split many a lunch with you.
Mop Room Fairy,
I can fuck ugly people any day. If you cannot manifest as hotties then I will stick to the mere mortals who curse my daily life.
I also feel I should correct you on how I feel about my child. I do not hate my child. I withhold my love because he’s a loser but I still love him deep down inside where he can’t see it. It is because of my love for him that I constantly point out all the “loser” things he does in the hopes that he will, one day, be a winner. My actions are what is expected of a Christian parent to a loser child.
Cracka, you know you’ll get a 12 inch meat hammer, then lose it as quickly as you got it. Guess when you’ll be at maximum size, then make sure you are outside Nun’s front door wearing nothing but a smile.
easy enough to find nun’s door, just ask around for the cheapest whorehouse.
Valentine’s Day: A day for the unwanted to have it ground into them that they’re alone - again.
Nun,
Then I can tell him that I eat the souls of children who do not try hard enough and I crush the bones of those who try hard but do not succeed.
nun,
smoggy’s claiming you’re his meat puppet over on “God in the news”
Do whorehouses give holiday discounts on Valentine’s Day?
Cracka #36 - I think you should consider a Rick Ocasek mullet too ’cause that’s also real ’80s and REALLY HOT!! (business in the front party in the back)
I am in awe of your evangelism skills.
I. AM. NOT. A. WHORE!!!!
Your penis is growing the wrong way and now it looks like you have a dimple in your crotch.
Mop Room Fairy,
Sure, that works. Just make sure he’s so terrified he wets his pants.
Any of you heathens ever seen the Director’s Cut of Close Encounters of the Third Kind?
Cracka,
I saw that in regards to Smoggy. He’s just jealous because I’m much more clever and witty than he could hope to be. He also communicates in prose which makes him really faggy.
I would never share my lunch with a hideous Mop Room Fairy who can’t manifest as young Mickey Rourke! Go back to fairy school! No self-respecting fairy would ever settle for manifesting only as old geezers.
The only Tyrone I know is the previously mentioned Tyrone family in “Long Day’s Journey into Night.”
And as if it matters, I’m square with government-subsidized lunches. I bought one for DANIEL (note Godly name) with my own money. He objected until I told him I’d had a few freebies.
For some reason we can’t get on Facebook here at the home PC. Teenzilla is FREAKING OUT!
BWHAHAHAHA!
I’m reading a script right now for a movie that might be green lit and it sucks balls. IT’s all black stereotype humor, what I like to call coonery and bafoonery! Why God? Why? This world does nto need another Soul Plane!!!!!!!
How does stuff like that get green lit, Josh? I often wonder who writes the check for movies that suck balls.
All movies are crap nowadays. That’s why Hollywood badly needs X-Files 3 because X-Files flicks are quality entertainment.
Anne - You’re welcome. The first one is free. If you want Me to continue to smite your daughter, I need you to worship Me.
Josh - Because, black people love movies they know are for them. If you want it to be a instant classic, write in some karate fighting.
God,
Josh continues to deny that X-Files 2 was a good film. Please smite him for being stupid. Thanks.
Nun
Wait a minute. I thought the karate fighting goes in the Asian movies.
God, I’m going to go through all the stuff you hate posts and see if I can find one that will make You hate my daughter. She doesn’t have cancer (thanks be to the Druid Gods), but I could change her name to Bridgette. She might actually prefer that to Teenzilla.
Ooops! Missed some caps there. Sorry, God.
Anne,
God is right, those movies do make money, not block buster money but they recoup and then some. If a movie only cost you $300k to make and you make a million on DVD rentals, you’ve cleaned up.
I really wish I could say the name of the movie and copy and paste some of the script. It’s so fucking bad, jokes that were corny when they were first written in ‘84. When will “black people do this and white people do that” jokes stop?
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/WhiteDudeBlackDude
Anne,
You would never share your lunch with me, it was I who shared my lunch with you!
I am in Fairy School you silly mortal, I go to night class to get my GED (Goblin Education Degree) and soon I’ll be able to transform into Brad Pitt like the rest of the fairy folk. Then I will not need to steal lunches from Daniel, Robert or DeShawn! The ladies will line up to take me, a simple Mop Room Fairy, to Red Lobster. Then we’ll see who’s laughing, it will be me, laughing as I eat a cheese biscuit!
The name of my puppet is Nun,
I made her up just for fun,
I gave her flat tits,
And dry hairy bits,
And a hole where there should be a gun.
My name is Smoggy
I am a fag
Smell my butt
it’ll make you gag
smoggy, did you try to burn down australia?
you guys are good at rhymes.
I suck at rhyming because I’m not a fagala.
His name is Smoggy
His armpits are hairy
He likes to bend over
And take Mop Room Fairy.
Mop Room Fairy’s goal in life is to get a cheese biscuit from Red Lobster. A little thin for a fairy! Aren’t you going to try to be so gorgeous that you lead mortals into a bog and they drown? That’s what most fairies aspire to do.
Hey, that’s good Nun! And you said you didn’t do poems. Keep it up and you’ll be just like me (baaaa).
Nope cracka, what happened to the great red land seems pretty much like a divine smiting to me. Those ockers must’ve really pissed God off.
The bush fires made our skies go all funny. Add ‘www’ to the address below and you’ll see pictures of it (I’m trying to get round the problem of posting links):
.odt.co.nz/news/galleries/gallery/42483/fiery-skies-over-otago
Yeah, Josh, I’m getting the numbers on the movie now. I forgot video rental. And black people aren’t alone in the movie doldrums. Hillbillies get trotted out all the time for horror and comedy.
Which reminds me. So I teach in an urban school. If I taught in a rural school, would my students be named Jethro and Daisy?
No paganannie, they’d be named cow, sheep, goose and duck.
I always hated the little fucker! Making you go out and buy candy, flowers, and other useless shit for a woman whose gonna burn you with an STD she got from your best friend in a month. Shitty fairy!
Thanks for the moment of clarity and perspective!
Cupid looks way less gay with a machine gun, but I’m sure he still takes it up the ass. All of the Valentine’s decoration are pretty gay-looking too. You should smite Hallmark for their stupid-ass looking crap . . . unless they’ll make some music cards dripping with blood that play “Fucking Hostile” to counteract the sickly-sweet drivel dripping out of the rest of their cards. And the teddy-bears? They deserve to be smited too.
BTW God, I fully intend to celebrate this holiday with Christian because I know that will make You very happy. Oh wait, You said celebrate as a Christian holiday. My bad.
Anne,
If you were in a Hillbilly school your kids would be named Jethro, and Bo and Luke. That’s how life works. But you’re in an urban school; one has gold teeth, one has no teeth.
I’m not into killing mortals anymore; I spent my teenage years doing that. It gets boring as mortals die so easily. They drown, the bleed to death, they fall on their soft squishy heads. To kill a human is easy, to make one love you is hard. I had my eye on you Anne Johnson, I gave you countless school lunches, only to be cast aside. Remember this; a fairy’s hate is eternal.
God makes us love Him all the time, Mop Room Fairy. He’s never mentioned but I don’t think it’s all that difficult for Him.
I hate Valentine’s Day more than men. The only reason I’m looking forward to this one is that I’ve got God’s new Valentine’s Day Card to pass around to the kiddies.
Anne has the right friends. She does not fear bad fairies. Now be a good bird beak and go play with Cupid.
He’s God, I’m the fucking fairy of a mop room!
If you haven’t figured it out yet, He’s a “little” more powerful than me. Furthermore, with all His power He still can’t get everyone to love Him. Imagine how hard it is with a face like mine. Plus what is my pick up line, “Want to come back to my place and make love by the light of the boiler?”!!!!
Hey, what happened to the octagon mop room fairy? Damn! How many fairies are hiding in that mop room?
The only person I remember giving me countless school lunches was my mama, who was too lazy to pack me a sandwich. Beaky Mop Room Fairy, you do bear more than a passing resemblance to my mama, but you’re a dude.
Gotta say, though, Mop Room Fairy (caps) is pretty good with the grammar and spelling. But he ain’t me, folks. Pinky swear.
Don’t ever use the word ‘little’ when talking about God. God has a ginormous Cock of Truth.
The X-Files would still be on the air if they talked about God’s Cock of Truth instead of repeatedly misleading us with ‘The Truth is Out There’. Bah!! There is no truth unless it’s God’s massive Cock of Truth.
The truth is that sheep always follow the leader. It’s the only thing you need to know to get by in life.
shutup smoggy
Nun, the ghost of John Holmes would be jealous indeed.
I can’t wait until God makes a post about the Easter bunny and how he ruined Easter.
Ben, you neutered-simian, while I sympathize with your need to assert yourself, owing to the fact that on this blog you are the equivalent of the turd found floating in the swimming pool, might I point out that telling the sensational-sheep-shagging Smoggy Batzrubble (son of Mama Batzrubble who died in childbirth and Papa Batzrubble, an executed serial killer) to “shutup” is (a) a waste of the little time you have left in your wasted life, and (b) pointless, given that I never shut up when told and I like a challenge. Might I remind you that I have in the past been dead in Hell, the mere sexual plaything of millions of lascivious nude Dana Scullys, and God saw fit to resurrect me. When the Biggest Smiting Bastard in the Omniverse tells me to shutup–fine! Until then, Ben, spend your time doing something constructive, like sticking your head up your arse to see whether that’s where you misplaced your brain.
Your brother in Christ
S. Batzrubble
AMEN
shutup, smoggy
no, ben. it goes like this:
shut up, ben.
Smoggy,
Clone or not, Dana Scully would not touch you with a ten foot pole. She has standards and unless you have a tattoo, she don’t roll that way. She might touch you with God’s massive Cock of Truth… that’s at least 15 feet of Divine Pole. John Holmes is indeed very jealous.
I was not calling God little, that’s why I used dick fingers. He’s a lot more powerful than me and yet he still has atheists and scientists who hate him. I have the face of a foot so I’m a tough sell.
I also do not understand the spelling issue that Anne brought up. I’ve been around for a few hundred years, if I did not learn to spell by now then I’m no better than Cupid and his gay friends.
your posts are too long. i get halfway through the second sentence and…
Wha?
get to the point, mop room fairy!!
Smoggy, that anal young fool,
make sculptures out of his stool
His copy of ‘The Thinker’
was a real stinker,
But his Madonna was cool!
are we past 100 yet?
Not….
Quite…
fags
Naaa….too easy. I’ll let someone else have it.
Anne: Ham and beans, cornbread, cheesy turkey rice soup (basically fondue), and cherry turnovers.
Definitely a lunch smite if I’ve ever seen one.
Nun - I resemble that remark.
Go ahead, Yo.
There can be only . . .
One?
Huzzah for Curtis!
Lunch: Cup Noodles.
haha! fondue!!
lunch: braised pheasant with butternut sauce and wild rice stuffing with a side of glazed beets. no wine, not allowed to drink openly at work.
check your weiner size, curtis. that quickening probably gave you a boost.
Curtis is gay which means his cock is already on the large side.
WTF!! Comment #8
http://stuffgodhates.com/?p=214
Ben is the Unpleasant Jew?!
Ha! Ben really can’t keep his shit straight.
is it me or did the unpleasent Jew get a little less funny?
Rock’n Rolla - good movie, now if only they would not cast a rapper (This time Ludicris), because they suck at acting. He was the worst in a movie full of good performances his was shit.
Unpleasant Jew lost all funniness when it was discovered that he was unfunny Ben.
Are you talking about Crash, Josh? I liked Ludicris. He’s also really hot and I would so totally fuck him.
he sucked in crash too, but he was also in the Guy Richie movie Rock’n ROlla playing a rock star’s manager and club owner. good movie, but he sucked.
Damn, Cracka, you weren’t kidding. I’m huge and standing at attention. It’s like I’ve taken Viagra with a cialis chaser. I better button up my lab coat.
Oh, you mean Rock’n Rolla like you said. Obviously I pay little attention to the ramblings of retards. I’ve never seen Rock’n Rolla but I’ll bet Ludicris is fucktractive in that movie too.
i know. pretty sweet, huh?!
ben is the unpleasant jew?
let’s test this out:
ben, tell josh he is a faggot.
oh yeah I forgot about that “josh is a faggot” thing from the unpleasant jew.
Hey Ben, Fuck you asshole.
Ben lies a lot.
i don’t think he was trying to be funny with that
he was just making an observation.
josh:
faggot
ching chong
retard
fatass
also a new yorker, which automatically qualifies him for
“dickhead” status
nothing about that was funny, but it was all true.
cracka,
Epic Funny Fail.
thanks.
see what can happen when you don’t try your best?
Nice limerick Yo mama!
I just checked out the conference room, leftovers (donuts, muffins) to supplement my Cup Noodles.
Cracka, nice example of performance art.
maybe i should buy this t shirt to commemorate this epic day:
http://www.zazzle.com/epic_funny_t_shirt_fail-235587283685512520
Yo’ welcome, Smoggy!
um, sorry to disappoint you all, but i’m not the unpleasant jew. i was just impersonating him that day, which is why the picture shows pirate mccain. although i can tell you i do work with the unpleasant jew! in person he’s much more unpleasant.
Someone called Ben an unpleasant Jew, and I said, “He is not a Jew!”
FROM ANNE
Curtis: Bowl of chicken rice soup (anything but fondue). Brought the rest from home.
LOL Anne!
shutup, ben
josh is still a faggot.
how did his baby batter get into his wife’s hoo-ha, then?
Conversation overheard at the dick sucking factory
Ben: Holy shit Jew, Nun went back and saw my pirate mcCain picture and think I’m you
Jew: That sentence was too long, make it shorter
Ben: Go to God’s blog, they think I’m you
Jew: Whatever, I need to make sure I say Josh is a faggot to throw the Gay Police off my trail. They’ll never pin that triple homoside on me!
I cannot get this song out of my mind. It’s a co-worker’s ring tone and his son is named Kyle.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cYM63OPJMds
is the dick sucking factory an assembly line or what?
Josh, can you stop being such a faggot? there have been massive layoffs at the dick-sucking factory because you and Nun keep giving away our product for free.
attempted FACE! In a sad attempt to face me you admitted to working in a dick sucking factory (and not as a product tester)
Ben if you stopped being such a union scab and working at Pete’s Auto and Anal body shop on weekends, then you and your brothers of Falacio Local 142 would not be in such a bind.
falacio?
who’s falacio?
oh, you mean fellatio…
get back to work!!
don’t make me come in there and bust some balls!!!!
I wrote it in spanish man.
you two bicker like an old gay couple.
the manager at the dick sucking factory literally cracks the whip.
get that dick back in your mouth! you, don’t waste my time! what do you think this is, the tit-milking factory? put some elbow grease into it!!!
i wish i could laugh about it, but it’s too true.
wish i could talk but i got a lot of dicks to suck today.
I scored some strawberries from the conference room!
They were all disloyal. I tried to run the ship properly by the book, but they fought me at every turn…Ah, but the strawberries! That’s, that’s where I had them. They laughed at me and made jokes, but I proved beyond the shadow of a doubt, and with, with geometric logic, that, that a duplicate key to the wardroom icebox did exist. And I would have produced that key had they not pulled the Caine out of action. I, I know now they were only trying to protect some fellow officer.“
Curtis,
Your co-worker hates the mother of his son. You realize that, don’t you?
shut up, ben.
shut up and get back to work.
God save a koala. Way to go, God!
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090210/ap_on_re_as/as_australia_wildfires_koala_rescue
I wonder if Smoggy’s sheep burned or panicked and ran away.
check this out NUN
http://www.bestweekever.tv/2009/02/05/guess-what-australia-and-my-ovaries-have-in-common/#more-33831
Umm… Nun, I know you’re particularly challenged when it comes to geography, but Noo Zild and Oz are different countries separated by many hundreds of miles of water. In fact we’re 1500 miles from the Victorian bushfires–roughly the distance from New York to Denver.
Did the Americanuses in Denver get choked by dust when the twin towers were secretly demolished by the CIA?
yes. they did. you insensitive asshole.
HAHA!! Sorry, Smog but that doesn’t come from being challenged. It comes from not giving a damn about where you’re from and not really paying attention. And chiba.
That’s cute, Josh. I like koalas.
“It comes from not giving a damn about where you’re from”
I know just how you feel Nun. I don’t give a fuck about where you Canadians come from either.
HA! Ben has revealed himself!
“insensitive asshole” is an anagram for “Ashiest sins, Evil One!”
Admit it Ben, you were one of the Satanist conspirators responsible for 9/11. You filthy ape bastard!
I wish more people would adopt our mindset, Smoggy.
smoggy, if you actually cared about God you’d know he already took full credit for 9/11 in his post on 911 conspiracy theorists.
shutup smoggy.
Nun, they are divorced, so I think it’s fitting.
Dick sucking factory. That is about the silliest thing I’ve ever heard. How would one ever garner a profit?
Smoggy, on my map, Oz and NZ are only about an inch (3 stone ten in Centimetric) apart. 1500 miles? Ha!
Curtis, if you take inflationary trends into account, it works.
You still don’t realize you were one of God’s pawns do you Ben? Praise God, for HE works his great plans in mysterious ways using with the weakest of clay.
(You should read ‘Guards! Guards!’ by Terry Pratchett, then you’d learn the fate of all feeble conspirators, benny)
Yo, on your map there’s a whole lot of blank space, with water plummeting off a flat earth, and the legend “Here Be Monsters!”
Smoggy, damned right! I fell off the edge, and landed here!
can’t think of anything funny to say but can’t resist the urge to type…
now i know how ben feels all day every day.
Tell us about your sex-change operation cracka…that should be worth a laugh for a minute or two.
shutup cracka
Smoggy, which sex was he chaning from?
thanks, yoyo, you never know until you walk a mile in someone else’s shoes.
well, this is how it went:
i showed up at the underpass with a briefcase full of dollar bills. they showed me some pictures. i said, “forget the photos! i want the biggest one you got!” some guy knocked me out with a choke hold and i woke up a few hours later with some suspicious scarring and nothing left down there but a nub. well, that’s the last time i answer an email from nigeria, let me tell you! anyway, if you see half a liver, a kidney, an eyeball, and a good, solid penis in a cooler anywhere let me know.
I have a bunch of penises in my cooler.
Guys never call me back… I wonder why.
Cracka, come see me at the laboratory. I think I can pimp you out. Oh, and # 160 — HA!
Cracka, I’m an EMT, and listen to the pages for local EMS services.
This morning, I heard a pageout in another town. Apaprently, a young woman had slipped and fallen in her bathroom, was on all fours, and couldn’t move.
I was going to give you her address. Bring flowers this time!
Hey wait! What did you say?
A cooler? Containing exotic ’smallgoods’? For sale from a couple of Nigerians?
Aaaarrgghh…spew…choke…hack…hack…puke…choke…
i’m already at the lab.
oh wait, you mean YOUR lab. well, alright. if you say so.
(footsteps)
what do you want again, curtis?
Nun, you have boxed frozen cock?
FUCK. YOU. ALL.
Curtis! Get out! Those TV signals are coming from your lab!
smoggy! why are you eating my liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti (slurp, slurp)?!
You REALLY need to have another look at the Shakespearean insult generator Ben. Originality in insults is an art. FYA is boring!!
My lambs have all gone silent
ooooooooh. a double entendre!
Sorry, Ben, it’s ingrained. We-we should stop.
Fuck off–I’m having an old friend for dinner.
Cracka, why would he bother with the chianti? He could just wring out your liver into a wineglass.
stop telling ben to shut up and die and get back to work, etc? i don’t know. i don’t know.
Silence of the Lambs style
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ah9-AdXIHRE
yoyo with the alcoholFACE!!!
BAM!!!
AHahahaahahaha…ha…
cracka–don’t take the lift!! That’s not really Yoyo’s face.
http://superdickery.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=category&layout=blog&id=31&Itemid=47&limitstart=19
Sigh…
Silence of the Lambs
Lecter removes the guard’s face and wears it down in the lift
Play on words–FACE
Ah - came the dawn.
Now I’m feeling really hungry. Time for a large plate of Mountain oysters–cracka’s knob never satisfied anybody.
anybody else notice God now has amazon ads? I might actually buy that bible on DVD. now that would be funny.
ouch.
i mean ouch to smoggy’s knob comment.
enjoy that DVD, benjamin. invite bridgette over for an evening of interactive fun. you can slo-mo the parts about gluttony and stonings.
hmmm…tantalizingly close to 200.
even closer than NZ and OZ on yoyo’s pre-gallilean map.
Ben, I may buy it. I wonder if it’s got the Director’s Cut?
what else would be worth watching in super slow? how about the part where God declares white people superior to all other races? that’s my favorite.
CRAAAAAAAAAAAACKERRRRRRRRRRRRRSSS
RRRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUULLLE
SAAAAYETH
THEEEEEEEEEEE LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRD
i wonder how many there can be?
In this comic. Ben is Robin, Batman and Superman are Curtis and Cracka: http://superdickery.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=category&layout=blog&id=28&Itemid=45&limitstart=40
there can………
be only one!!!!!
cracka’s nubby grew three sizes that day.
Izzit inside out yet?
whew! another cuntury mark avoided. and to think you used to look down on people for doing that cracka. tsk, tsk.
soon your nubby will be as big as cupid’s
yeah, i found other things to look down on people for.
Well done, you jaundiced cross dot.
I’ve spent the afternoon rummaging around the morgue for pieces and parts and so far I’ve just come up with a couple of rather nasty gangrenous legs, a few bowel sections, an appendix, and some breast tissue. Sorry, Cracka, no liver, penis, eyes, or the like. I’ll keep looking though.
Do they have to be caucasian?
Give Cracka a black penis so he knows what it’s like to pack heat.
God smited Jeremy Lusk.
smoggy, dude, you’re upside down.
“It was on a dreary night of November that I beheld the accomplishment of my toils. With an anxiety that almost amounted to agony, I collected the instruments of life around me, that I might infuse a spark of being into the lifeless thing that lay at my feet. ”
-Curtis Frankenstein
well, i would prefer my eyes to be caucasian. other than that, i’m cool with hypocrisy, so i can have a few ethnic parts and still hate ethnics just the same.
curtis, if you give me a ching chong eyeball, so help me, i will DESTROY YOU WITH MY AWESOME CRACKER POWER!!!
“smoggy, dude, you’re upside down.”
So that’s why everyone calls me dickhead!
hey, nun, it’s 4:20 where i live. is that a good enough reason for you to get high?
Since when has nun needed a reason?
Living is a good enough reason to get high, Cracka.
Dudes!! Do any of you heathens watch the X games? Any of you fuckholes even know who Jeremy Lusk is?
fire bad!!
dead guy who used to jump bikes.
PUTTIN…ONNDA…R-R-RITZ!!
let me guess.
you thought he was hot and you’d totally do him?
me and curtis look pretty good here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VH2nQHPs4aA
I never paid attention to his face, Cracka. I watched him ride his bike.
I’m never one to pass up a joke, even when somebody’s dead but I have no idea what to say about this.
Nice Knockers!
no matter what horrible sounds you hear
do not open this door!!!
curtis is busy putting me back together again.
Yo - #209 That’s FrAHnkenstein. Now there’s a film.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pQiXPHhZ4Go
BLUCHER!
Night y’all.
‘Movie’?
“I have no idea what to say about this.”
What’s to say, Nun? He made his choices, he lived his life on the edge, he did more in 24 years than some people do in 104, and he went out doing what he loved. As far as deaths go–I’d call it a good one.
Not like the nine-year-old girl trapped in a car with her screaming family, watching the fire race towards them, all of them knowing that after a minute or two of searing agony, they’ll be charred corpses.
You’re right–Australia really is quite close to NZ.
either it’s all ok or none of it is.
Ummm… I think you said something really deep then Ben.
But that would be out of character…
so shut up
good point, smoggy.
what’s your point, ben?
i’m leaving.
and i’m not going to drink and ben’s not going to shut up and smoggy’s not going to write a cheesy poem.
I agree, Smoggy. It is a good death but I still can’t find anything funny to say about it.
A CHEESY POEM
by S. Batzrubble
Some people prefer cheese from cream,
Some like it to come from a ewe,
There’s cheese smells like stoats,
That comes from old goats,
And Edam that smells like my shoe.
There’s cheese that is full of big holes,
And big holes that smell just like cheese.
There is ancient French brie,
That smell’s like girls’ pee,
And causes old camels to sneeze.
There’s cheese in the shape of a sausage,
There’s round cheese, and cheese in red balls,
There’s cheese that is blue
(Kikorangi* will do)
But if it is nature that calls
There’s cheese that is specially prepared
For bottoms that burn and are sore
It’s shaped like a cork,
Or cracka’s wee dork,
And it works as a plug or a bore.
(*Kikorangi is a famous, award winning NZ blue vein cheese)
That’s one lucky dog.
God smote me with a huge computer repair, but I still won’t worship Him. Acknowledge His superpowers, yes. But bow down? Nope.
Smoggy, re: poetry. Don’t quit your day job.
that poem was the definition of cheesy.
bloodvork just shows up once a week to say something esoteric now? used to be a regular, and a funny one at that.
it’s not that esoteric. his name is bloodvork after all, and he does have a creature with a slurping tongue. people can figure it out. he’s still funny! post more bloodvork, post more.
i don’t know anne, this verse was pretty good:
There is ancient French brie,
That smell’s like girls’ pee,
it’s funny cause it’s true.
it is true, i’ve had that cheese.
i think it’s called “fumunda”
fumunda my nuts.
Oh Geez. Are we going to talk about cheese today? We’ve sunk to a new low.
In that vein, I will do something diabolical and expose you all to this earworm:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dUyTZlJnRns
You’ll be humming it for the rest of the day, suckers.
There’s not enough porn on Youtube.
ummm NUn, you should actually use porntube.com
get with it. and you call yourself a pervert?
fuck that. youporn is the best.
Anne:
Spicy chicken wrap, Spanish rice, cheesy potato soup (speaking of cheese - basically fondue), and peach custard pie. I feel my arteries clogging up even now. I am SO going to Subway today.
X -tube, people, X-tube.
x-tube sucks compared to youporn. unless you’re gay.
that’s what I meant anonymous. I actually just download from forums and such, it’s easier and you keep the files and the quality of the picture is better.
you guys are fags.
Youtube is good for watching young men crush the life right out of them when they fail to completely flip their bike but sucks for porn.
cracka,
Your statement of “You guys are fags” is redundant. Curtis already said he was gay, Ben admits to working in a dick sucking fatory.
I admit nothing!
Anonymous #245 - duh.
Josh # 246 - you sound like a connoisseur
Cracka #247 - duh.
oh, right. i see your point.
well, i’ve changed my picture. you can all see me now in all my glory. hopefully this will garner more respect.
Curtis # 251 - I dabble in the pornographic arts.
BEn,
all i see is you as a monkey.
You still look like a monkey with anger-management issues to me.
when you clear your cache you’ll see
Josh is right. He’s a retarded chinky-chong with a giganto Afro-Americo penis. That’s something you just don’t see in your normal run-of-the-mill porn.
Josh, when you use the term “dabble” does that mean every hour like clockwork?
Please be true…
http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/news?slug=ap-jets-favreretires&prov=ap&type=lgns
Nun, I’m quite partial to giganto Afro-Americo penises. Or is it “penii”?
What are you holding back from me?
Curtis,
Every hour? I don’t think my coworkers would be pleased.
They wouldn’t be pleased because you drool when you jack-off because you’re fucking retarded. Gross.
Curtis,
I’m holding nothing back from you but Josh is… his hugenourmous afro penis which is actually quite amusing to look at on his tiny, retardo Asian frame.
Nun is right, it’s freakish. All the other chicks think I have elephantitis.
FUCK! now the jets have to find a QB. we’re fucked. at least he’s going to retire a Jet. haha.
Didn’t Jordan retire a Wizard? It means nothing, NOTHING.
Is anyone else facinated by the Chris Brown and RiRi drama? He beat the shit out of her.
He beat the holy hell out of her!
not me, from what i hear she’s a hellacious bitch. i’d beat the shit out of her too and so would you.
Chris Brown must be really adept at physical violence to beat the shit out of a black girl like that. He’s lucky she ain’t fat or else she would have kicked his ass up and down the block.
As the great negro scholar Chris Rock said, “There is never a reason to hit a woman. I’d never ever hit a woman, but I’d shake the shit out of her!”
What if you found out she gave you herpes?
don’t know. what do your “boyfriends” do to you when they find out?
who’s gonna call it for me?
I don’t have “boyfriends”, love is gross. I have “booty-calls”.
STD FACE!!!!
come on Nun, everybody wants to know they have somebody who loves them, when the chips are down, and your loser kid fails again, you want someone there saying it will be ok.
Booty calls are ok, but that’s how you get herpes in the first place
BTW - she did not give him herpes that was a rumor. what is true is some female texted Brown while he was driving Riri in the lambo. Riri got pissed, which in turn got her hit.
Josh,
God loves me. God’s love is enough to sustain me. God’s love isn’t gross.
And I wasn’t aware herpes was even a rumor in the Rihanna/Brown case. I was just pointing out that Josh would choke a bitch for givine him herpes.
That fucking whackjob ugly bitch who had herself a litter of babies started a website begging for donations…
http://www.thenadyasulemanfamily.com/
Leave a comment, I sure did. The woman claims to not be on welfare but she is… she receives foodstamps. As a taxpayer, this case is far more interesting, disturbing and aggravating than the RiRi/Brown incident.
However, this is a good example of what happens with extreme right-to-lifers. The reason she had all embryos transplanted was because she saw them as viable lives and she didn’t want to kill her children. Funny how pro-lifers aren’t touching this with a ten-foot pole.
If some chick gave he the herp, I’d be pissed at her and myself for not wrapping up when dealing with a skank.
Would I choke her? I doubt it, I know what they do to abusers in prision, they got it bad. Not as bad as child molesters, but bad.
Now if a woman have me the HIV, then a choking would be in order.
I saw her website, it’s pretty fucking creepy. And she looks like a broke down version of Jolie who is also a broke down version of herself from 10 years ago.
It’s certain, Josh. You’re not black. Blacks know when to choke a bitch.
I used to not care for Angelina Jolie at all. Then I saw her on Leno and she said something about having a dream of a Thanksgiving table filled with children from all nationalities. That made me like her… A LOT. However, I’ve come to believe that she is very adept at manipulating the media. I think I’ve gone back to not caring for her anymore. I never thought she was pretty though.
Anybody seen Lisa Lampanelli’s HBO special?
14 Children whom she cannot support. There isn’t enough space in this comment box for my complete opinion. I know “every sperm is sacred” but Jesus!
My comment was short and sweet… Foodstamps are welfare. I left out the choice words I wanted to call her.
All i know is once in prision there was an abuser, and somehow the guards all turned their back while his fellow inmates put a mop handle up his ass. If the price of choking a bitch it that, then I don’t want to pay.
(I know this because my mother used to work helping ex-cons get back into society. My mom’s a sucker, once a con always a con)
fuck Lisa Lampanelli.
Josh, mop handle, phffft, please give me a challenge.
That’s just what Josh says for our benefit. He secretly loves a mop handle up his bum.
You don’t like Lisa Lampanelli, Josh?
Curtis,
the mop handle going in is not bad, but once they break it off, coming out is not a fun time
Nun,
I was raised by a single parent, well sort of, my dad died when I was a teenager. So I find it hard to beat women. I’ve tried, but my heart just wasn’t in it.
and yeah Lisa Lamp is a fucking hack, with her “I love black dick” jokes. Could be funny, were it true. I think there is nothing to her jokes but a shock! “Look at that super white woman talking about black dick!” Honestly you do it better.
i think this is what curtis means:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fUspLVStPbk
Funny you say that, Josh because while I was watching Lisa Lampanelli I thought “that ho bitch stole my schtick!!”. She’s a lot harder on the gays than I am though.
damn it. has anyone cleared their cache and viewed my ugly mug yet? it’s a picture where i’m smiling.
No. I don’t think anybody cares. Sorry, Ben.
although I see the monkey, by your last clue I am willing to bet anything that the picture is off that other monkey from Good Will Humping and Paycheck. Ben are you just trying to promote your latest sack of turds, “He’s Just Not That Into You”? That movie a a who’s who of actors who used to be respected.
I feel kind of bad for Affleck. People turned on him when he started dating that skanky ho, J-Lo but before that, people loved them some Ben Affleck.
WHOA!! Is that really you, Ben?
yes, yes it is.
i’ve been Ben Affleck, angry monkey, ralph, and pirate mccain. I figured it was time for a little of the real me.
ben can’t post for a minute
because there can be…
one
ONLY ONE!!!
not one, josh, ONLY ONE!!!
either way, it aint you this time.
Century FACE!
i might have to brutally murder josh again.
HAHA! way to go Josh
OH NO!!! I GOT CENTURY FACED!!!!
i had it up to a nice thick 9 inches.
now, i got century FACEd back to a nub.
shit.
shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
your punishment for stealing so many maybe.
probably.
my business cards read:
“cracka. thief. eunuch.”
anonymous?
stupid gay-ass computer
I feel like shit for telling Ben that nobody cared when he actually posted a real picture of himself.
well good. you should.
it’s still a picture of me with a ridiculous expression
that’s not you Ben!
at least you don’t look like bridgette.
blech!
i don’t care if your expression is attained by rubbing dogshit all over your face, you’ll never look that ridiculous.
That was me, this Him damned office computer has a case of the crackas
Maybe it is a ridiculous impression but you still had the ballsac to post it amongst us heathens who will call a non-fatty a fatty.
Ben has balls, y’all.
this dumb computer won’t show the gravatars for some reason
so if i want to see ben’s face (haven’t decided yet)
i’ll have to walk over to another computer…
all the way across the room.
yikes.
i don’t give a fuck!
not worth that
ben’s harder than jesus.
i’ll never tell you to shut up again…
also, would you care to purchase this lovely waterfront property in central florida?
good, that’s what i was hoping for. you just don’t tell a psycho like me to shutup. i might karate chop you.
Great. Now Ben thinks he’s all that.
Shut up Ben, I now know your face
and your superman curl: GAY!
RIP Chris Reeve.
superman curl?
this means curtis is going to rape you again.
this time you’ll be alive for it, too.
also:
shut up, ben.
well, your mohawk is….is….pretty awesome.
FUCK!
and your unibrow is very…very…authoritative.
SHIT!
Ben has that wild look in his eye only achieved by growing up in New Jersey.
Hey friends (and Ben), my computer Yoda came over yesterday evening. He says Facebook and MySpace are being hacked like crazy because of the large user base. My hard drive was getting the mop handle. So, use social networks sparingly.
Teenzilla is banned from Facebook on this home computer. That’s one way to get her illiterate ass to the library!
thanks Anne. I’m glad God is smiting teenzilla.
i think my realness has caused everyone to run into their hidey holes to do some deep introspection.
Ben FACEd us with his real face.
Deep introspection? At Miller Time? You’re kidding, right?
I pity the mother-fucking fool that decides to fuck with my child. I’m the only one that can traumatize my son for life. Anybody else will face the giant wrath of NUN.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090211/ap_on_re_us/courthouse_kickbacks
don’t worry everybody. i’ve changed my picture so in 15 minutes or so you can clear out your cache and won’t have to look at my ugly mug anymore.
haven’t seen your real face yet anyway.
don’t think you can humanize yourself to ME!!!!
SHUT THE FUCK UP, BEN!!!
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!
True story: I have to write a reference book entry, due today, on a dude who has written a book called Love Sucks: New York Stories of Love, Hate, and Anonymous Sex.
Gee, I wonder how that got into print?????
Jesus Q. Christ! He also wrote a book called The Cure for Sodomy! I suppose it involves needles and thread…
is there another kind of sex in new york?
i’m strongly leaning towards getting drunk after work.
maybe i should wait until i get out of the car first.
no, on second thought, i’m starting now.
fuck off, shut up, etc. etc., so on and so forth.
There, I am now safely represented by one of the killer squirrel.
Ben,
I haven’t had the pleasure to see your new picture (some kind of dumb assed network thingy here at work - I don’t know. I’m a microbiologist not some computer thingy person)
I was going to look once I got home - but now I’ll never know. You’ll just always be this weird monkey with an occasional eye patch.
Anne,
The cure for sodomy? I suppose it involves changing into a pillar of salt or something. We’ll have to ask Bridgette.
Ben you lack the courage of your convictions.
bullshit! i’ll come back any time i want bitch! i just don’t like making you all feel uncomfortable and ugly.
the cure for sodomy is cacti.
oh crap!
i already signed off with the fuck off and shut up for the day!
double fuck off
double shut up
done.
I’m not ugly. And as for uncomfortable, a few drinks will fix that. Wait, Cracka! I don’t have my seat belt buckled..a.h.h.yeratjrehgsergerg
You make us feel uncomfortable, Ben but not because you make us feel ugly. It’s because we’ve now all realized that every single one of us, including Cracka, is infinitely more beautiful than you. You still have a bigger penis than Cracka(as does everybody else) so you still have that going for you.
Same time tomorrow? Perhaps Yo will join us.
‘night y’all.
but, but, but! I have a huge head and a crazed look in my eye! my mom says that’s handsome!
When did mothers start telling the truth about their offsprings’ looks?
ME!! I tell my kid he’s funny looking all the time and it’s all because of his darkie father who gave him black people features because black people look funny. And why didn’t God paint the palms of their hands and the soles of their feet?
Crazed look? YOu pull off frat boy chic with the best of them. All the picture is missing is your hand in the shocker formation.
when did I ever say I was in a fraternity?? you racist bastard.
i was in a fraternity, but that’s besides the point.
My burro thought he looked like a gay, Josh.
nope, not gay. is you burro gay? cause gays think everyone else is gay.
Nun, I think I said he looked like a fat fag.
you’re a fag.
he doesn’t look like a gay to me, most gays I know are pretty hot (no homo). The ugly gays in New York have to pretend to be straight.
heheh… yeah, you did but I didn’t want to say that for you.
i’m not ugly, i’m not hot, i’m not gay. i’m just a normal person.
And my burro is bi, Ben. He’s going to insert his pierced peen into my puss-puss. Someday.
pierced!!!! OUch mofo.
hmm, if you got an ounce of gay blood in you you’re gay. it’s the same rules as for blacks.
Ben,
Upon further review of your picture, I think you have a throw back head, from the year 1,000,000 BC. I also contacted my friend at the Academy in Quantico to work up a profile for you.
She says you are a cronic masturbator, that you have had less than 3 girlfriends your whole life and you enjoy drinking beer. She also says that on more than one occasion you more than likely have put a cat in a pillow case and drowned it. She also thinks that you use the internet to try to feel famous and have applied for at least 3 reality or game shows. She believes that one day you will either be a contestant on a reality show or commit a crime that will get you on the news.
He’s pierced all over. You should ask him. He’s got three genital piercings. I think it’s three.
Ben it’s 1/16 for blacks, thats what the constitution used to say.
Introduce me to Jon Stewart, Josh. Make it happen!
THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
Jesus H Christ! I only know where one would go (Prince Albert) does he have his balls pierced? God damn that must fucking hurt.
Nun,
I’m working on it.
I swear on God’s Holy Blog that I won’t try to fuck him. I know he loves his wife and all that stupid shit.
P.A., guiche and I think a frenum but I can never remember. You should ask him.
Josh- She is right. It didn’t hurt at all bud.
Josh,
Your friend is way off. Not a cronic masturbator. I’ve not had less than 3 girlfriends my whole life - i’ve had 5 and I HATE DRINKING BEER. I’m more of a pot guy if anything. I have never drowned a cat in a pillow case, although that sounds interesting. I do not use the internet to try and feel famous but I do use it for shits and giggles. I have only applied to one reality TV show (random bs) and one game show (millionaire). i will never apply for a reality show again as it is all politics. i will also hopefully never have to commit a crime and be on the news.
she was right about one thing: You’d reply to my post with actual facts about yourself.
Burro,
I have no idea what those piercing are except for the PA. I’ll take your word for it that it did not hurt. I guess my balls and shaft are the most sensitive on the planet because I coudl never do it. I once stopped my then ex GF from giving me a BJ because she kept clipping me with her teeth, I could not even imagine getting a nail gun and shooting my best friend.
Ben,
“I HATE DRINKING BEER” just screams homo.
Josh,
What the fuck was she doing? Did she think she had a plate of soul food in front of her? NO TEETH!
Burro,
She sucked, and I don’t mean in a good way. I dumped her and not because she was bad in bed, there were many reasons. One was her brother called me a nigger and he’s not one.
yeah, cause you can’t dislike beer and be straight. no wonder this country is overrun with alcoholism.
idiotic assholes like you are the reason gays can’t marry.
The US is overrun with rednecks which is why my burro believes what he believes. He’s also a burro which means he’s not very bright. Sorry, burro.
Dude shouldn’t have called Josh a nigger like that. He should have called him a darkie.
Not that I check in from home because, after all, what is work for?? stupid job.
Ben, you make the baby Jesus cry when you talk like that.
And I love beer — so now I’m confused. Does this mean I’m straight after all? Damn. I don’t want to go anywhere near a fun pouch.
I think I need the Burro to sort me out (sans jewelry, please).
Silly Josh. Only homos know how to give good head. Duh.
Oh, Yeah, and the thing about Josh is - he’s totally hot and I’d do him in a minute. He’s got a cute smile too. Not that I’d stalk him or anything. Unless he’d be into that.
Dude should have called Josh “Josh.” Would save a lot of trouble in this world if people just called other people by their names. Except for Cracka and Smoggy. What fuckin shitty names!
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday, Charles Darwin….
Happy birthday to you!!!!!!!
Darwin centennial, February 12. Long live natural selection!
I’d have to leave 18 posts to get the quickening, and why would I do that? I don’t even have a schlong.
Anne,
it would only make your vagina wider, if that’s what you want.
That dude called me a nigger because he was/is pretty dumb, and I was this college educated black guy banging his sister. What I didnt like is she said nothing back.
Curtis,
All my gay friends say that they’re better than any woman in the head department. Makes sense because they have first hand knowledge of what’s going on down there.
How can a pagan whose surname is a slang term for a male sexual organ think Smoggy Batzrubble is a fuckin shitty name? How memorable is “Anne Johnson” ferfucksake? There is ONLY ONE Smoggy Batzrubble. That’s unforfuckingettable. You should consider calling yourself “ANNE DICKNICKNAME”–that would be more interesting.
Smoggy, I was thinking of also changing her first name. Perhaps we shall name her “Atheist Witch-Bitch Dicknickname”.
I. Am. Not. An. Atheist.
I. Am. Not. A. Bitch.
The rest of it is fine.
Happy centennial to Charles Darwin, putting God in His place since 1859! You go, Chuckie!
In Chas. Darwin’s honour, I made a cream pie (That is not an ephemism, getcher minds out of the gutter) and flung it in Ben Stein’s face. What a wad!
‘The Grim Reaper’ is an anagram for ‘Gatherer Prime’.
Coincidence? I think not.
hey everybody! happy darwin day!
yvan eht nioj!
I stopped by Rite-Aid to pick up a Darwin Day card, but must have been too late - they didn’t have any in stock.
ben who are the little asian people in the picture of your head?
Josh, all I see is the rodent. (Ben’s post #390)
Do you see something else?
I seen Ben’s old picture, Frat Ben. I refuse to refresh my cache.
those are the members of my dojo.
they are members of the littles. Remember that crappy show?
THERE CAN BE
only
God’s Chosen
ONNNNNNNNNNEEEEEE!
whew! thanks Josh.
where the hell is everyone this morning?
it’s pretty cool how both Darwin and Lincoln were born on the same day:
http://www.allheadlinenews.com/articles/7014057128
http://newsweek.washingtonpost.com/onfaith/susan_jacoby/2009/02/darwin_the_disturber.html
yeah! WTF.
God - how do you feel about Charles Darwin? Or Abraham Lincoln for that matter?
Anne:
Bratwurst, sauerkraut, buttered potatoes, cheesy broccoli soup (basically fondue), cherry pie. I am SO sick of their nasty basically fondue soup.
Lunch SMITE!
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails….And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
1 Corinthians 13:1-8a and 13
These are words to live by!
Does anyone else hear a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal?
How annoying.
The thing with Bridgette and the many like her is they spout out bible verses, but the true meaning is not with them.
Love is not proud, does not boast, it is not rude or self seeking. Yet many religious people are quick to say their religion is the right one (sounds like pride) and others are wrong. They are also quick to talk about how they live their life according to their god (sounds like boasting and self seeking). Many religious leaders live off the fat of their “flock” (self seeking? Yes please).
But whatevs. In the end it will be God who laughs the hardest.
PS Bridgette is an idiot and I know it’s one of you guys! She shows up only where there is a slump and we need a whipping boy. My bet is that it’s Ben.
bridgie-poo, when will you give up? no one hear is going to change their minds on the whole faith in Jesus thing.
You are the antithesis of everything in that verse, dipshit.
fuck you josh! my bet is that it’s either you or that she’s real. i also disagree that she shows up only when we need a whipping bitch, she shows up at all kinds of times.
GOD! can you please use your IP identification powers to clear my good name? you’ve done it before. i’m really tired of this people thinking bridgette is me bullshit.
Ooooh, Ben - “antithesis” - that’s a mighty big word. Good job!
All joking aside, both you and Josh make excellent points about the resounding gong.
Hey Everyone,
Check out my new Gravatar! It’s Bendgette!!!!!
Well it will be when Gravatar gets it’s shit together!
here it is anyway:
http://www.gravatar.com/avatar/0abdaad06f77f3fb589f4780ef6e9bb9?s=80
Lunch was fried food from the local diner. They have a dozen items on the menu that could be consolidated to one, it’s all lumps of food, dipepd in batter and deep-fried. I think I ate a toe.
It was good, I’m just sayin’
Josh, maybe God controls Bridgette.
Josh, that’s a scary gravatar. Did you create it?
‘dipepd’- I meant dipped!
it’s a mash up of Ben and Bridgette. I made it myself.
Well done!
(And rather frightening.)
Where’s Nun? I want to know how many white-hot suns she hates Stephen Fowler.
http://valleywag.gawker.com/5151553/wife-swap-stars-censored-confession
Stephen Fowler is the worst husband in the whole world and not very intelligent. His wife is a fucking idiot. But neither are worth the energy of hating with any amount of intensity. I’d spit on them if I saw them in real life though.
I hate reality television with the white hot intensity of a dozen suns. I miss The X-Files which was quality entertainment. I miss it with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns.
See how it’s not just hating I do with solar powered intensity? I’m so fucking awesome!
I also miss Zeus. Oh Zeus!! Where oh where are you, Zeus??
And I’ll say it again… I think Bridgette is real, she always shows up because she has nothing to fill up her days. Her kids can’t stand her and her husband is out fucking skinny chicks.
You are awesome, Nun, and I mean that with the intensity of a gozillion suns.
Bridgette, what do you do when you aren’t amusing us?
THIS IS ANNE
Is that really Ben & Bridgette? Cuz his mouth sort of looks like something else.
Brought my lunch from home today. Had to pay the computer Yoda to come over and get my PC working again.
I think Bridgette is real. Her mom named her after a Pagan Goddess but didn’t get the spelling right. You can Google “Brighid” if you don’t believe me.
Bribing her children to love her and begging her husband to lay with her so they can procreate. Women like Bridgette only fuck when they want babies.
THIS IS ALSO ANNE
That Bible verse is beautiful, but it assumes that only Xtians can love. I’m a Pagan, and I got me some love.
Anne, out of (semi)professional curiosity, what was wrong with your computer?
After repeated emails and pleading this morning from the chump known as Ben, I can confirm that Bridgette is not Ben nor anyone else from this board. She is, in fact, from West Virginia. I know the town as well (and of course her street address) but I will keep this secret as I do not wish any of you to hunt her down and kill her because she is My most faithful and beloved follower here.
NOW STOP DIDDLING ABOUT AND GET BACK TO WORK! IT IS A DAMNABLE DAY AND THERE MANY ATHEISTS TO KILL!!!
Dear God,
West Virginia. Figures.
I got me two atheists this afternoon. I force fed them the cheesy broccoli soup (basically fondue) from our cafeteria until they died of ruptured aortas. They’re laying in the morgue even as we speak.
You’re number alpha! You’re number alpha!
HA!! I told you heathen bastards she was real!! West Virginia, eh? That explains a lot, a lot, a lot.
yeah, you slackers!!!
you know where i was this morning?!!
KILLING ATHEISTS!!!
losers.
wait a minute, bridgette’s from west virginia?
BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAHAHAHAAAAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
anne dicknickname,
you might think you have love, but until bridgette dances around you with a snake and drives the devils away, your love is only an illusion. so stop pretending to be happy so you can help validate bridgette’s silly biases about non-Xtians!
Curtis, aren’t you from somwhere around Virginia?
DAMN!! You go girl!!
http://www.interviewmagazine.com/fashion/mary-kate-olsen/
I’ve always had a soft spot for the Olsen twins.
“I’ve always had a soft spot for the Olsen twins.”
We now pause for a trenchant remark from either Ben or Cracka.
I’ve always had a stiff dick for their soft spots.
I wish the Olsen twins had a soft spot for me!
BA-ZING! Wacka wacka wacka!
you guys beat me to it. damn.
one of those olsen twin bitches was on ‘weeds’ back when it didn’t suck. she was awful. couldn’t find shittier acting ability if you were handing out free implants as bait on hollywood blvd.
they are horrible actors, check out “the wackness” for more proof. Acting next to Sir Ben Kingsley makes your acting look all the more shitty.
I’ve always wanted to have the Olsen twins - as lawn gnomes.
From Interview Magazine: “CB: I was looking through the inventory of movies that you and Ashley have made, and they aren’t simply light, teenagey productions.”
Who, talk about easy lobs over the plate! Who wrote that stuff?
yo yo,
they have to lob them over the plate, if not word would get around and you’d have no one to interview.
Imagine
CB: SO your movies and your acting today sucks. How does it feel to know your creative talent peaked at 4 and you’re coasting on the money you made in the 90s?
MK: What? Can we talk about my new movie, it’s going straight to DVD.
CB: I’m sure it is.
but that’s a good read, josh. i’d subscribe to that. why don’t you develop a sketch character who interviews dumb celebrities with the intensity of murrow and the sarcasm of well, you? could be funny…or it could suck.
CB: also, why do you look sort of like a malnourished snow monkey? is the marsupial look the big thing for next season’s line of overpriced bullshit?
MK: i don’t have to take this.
CB: why not? we’ve had to endure your sham of a “career”.
MK: fuck you.
CB: is your sister gonna be there?
i bet that’s why nun likes them. the deeper yearning she has is actually for tiny rodents to live in her pockets and be her friends and steal people’s wallets for her.
who’s going to make the first “deeper yearning” joke?
shit. i think i just did it.
just watched that jeremy lusk video. i feel bad in many different ways now. never been one for real or pretend gore. not exactly a faces of death guy.
Josh, I forgot that you are in the entertainment business, do you work for an entertainment magazine of some sort?
who the hell is MK?
Mary-Kate Olsen
? You didn’t know?
The Olsen Twins are multi-millionaires, if not billionaires. Why do they dress like street bums?
Give the Olsen twins a break. Being raised in the entertainment industry cannot be easy.
they killed heath ledger in an effort to suck out his essence and give themselves acting ability.
i met one of them at a party in Sept. They look homeless and the world seems to revole around them
Has Ashley even pursued an acting career as an adult?
I feel bad for those girls. They’ve had perverts lusting after them for years. They’re criticized for everything; their looks, the way they dress, their weight. They can’t live normal lives.
are you trying to make one of those tongue in cheek bridgette style jokes?
who gives a shit about the fucking olsen twins? the world has real people with real problems and your wasting empathy on a couple of spoiled rich kids with the perspective of any typical hollywood no-talent assclown with their fawning parasite ‘friends’ and their oversized designer sunglasses? seriously, dude. seriously.
“normal lives”
good God, man.
Don’t hold back Cracka - tell us what you really think!
Did you just call Nun a dude?
If one of my neices wet stumbling down the street dressed like one of the Olsens, kindly neighbours would take her in and call her parents, and a doctor.
you have kindly neighbours? do you live in mulberry?
yes, josh, i called nun a dude.
sort of.
Josh, we’ve always suspected…
“mulberry”?
I see, actors aren’t real people and aren’t entitled to consideration.
Judging somebody by the way they dress is incredibly narrow-minded.
And the Olsen twins are not on the same level as Paris Hilton. It seems Cracka thinks they’re one and the same.
nun,
A homeless person dresses homeless because he has no choice. A billionaire dresses homeless because they are trying to standout.
I feel no pitty for these actors and other celebrities. They made a choice, they make choices everyday that keep them in the spot light. Nothign happens by accident in entertainment, NOTHING. There is no such thing as an impromptu photo shoot. THe paps know where you are because your publicist or agent called ahead of time.
mulberry, sounds like a small town with traditional values to me.
what’s the one from andy griffith?
of course they’re people. and of course they deserve consideration. just not “special” consideration. to the point that i should feel bad for some stupid person because asshole paparazzi follow them around and take pictures of them. please. i don’t buy the magazines, i don’t watch celebrity gossip shows. this ain’t my doing.
talent wise paris and the twins are on the same level. Money wise compared ot the twins, Paris is one broke ass bitch.
The twins have better business managers, that dude, who you never hear about is the one that made them super rich.
Oh - Mayberry. Mullberry sounds like the NooZiiland equivalent.
Ever noticed that the only person in Mayberry who was married was Otis, the town drunk?
BTW, I do have kindly neighbors. If they found me sleeping off a binge on the side of the road, they’d make me a pillow of a handy road kill and cover me with my coat.
They’d steal my wallet, too, but I expect that.
Josh,
I know the guy you’re talking about, he has funny hair. The Olsen twins were turned into a commodity and then exploited but at least there were people involved who didn’t take all their money, unlike Macauley Culkin.
I also realize that you have people like Britney Spears who does make sure she’s around paps when she has her children and a lot of actors operate the same way but not all of them do. Some of them got into the business because they wanted to act, not because they wanted fame.
ah, the kindly and opportunistic mugging…or is it larceny? my neighbors might let me live. they definitely wouldn’t make me comfortable. they would probably actually shoot me and stab…or is it stab me then shoot me?
and of course we didn’t notice anything about mayberry. we’re all less than a thousand years old.
speaking of mulberry, NZ, smoggy should be waking up from his wet-sheep-dream slumber to regale us with cryptic poetry any minute now.
yeah but you make a choice to be in that spot light. Look at Liev Schreiber, he’s been a crap load of movies, even has a baby from Naomi Watts and walks around NYC all the time. No paps, no drama. He made a choice to keep his life to himself while being a workign actor. Look at Jeffrey Write, dude lives around the corner from me. See him all the time. He even voted with my wife (they were in line together at the local elemtary school) but you dont see him, or his wife and kid on page 6.
At events, parties, etc the paps are called. Trust me, I used to know a woman at a PR firm that placed the calls. It’s all so effing fake it makes my eyes bleed.
That’s because Smoggy is a fag.
i like it when celebrities suffer.
Cracka, stabing and shooting is OK. It’s when they pull your pants down and leave a sign “Enter Here” on your azz - that’s when I gets mad.
‘Less than a thousand years old’? Him dammit - iznt it on cable?
Josh, I don’t know if you realize it but you just confirmed what I said. Schreiber and Wright got into the business to act, not for the fame. But they have been hounded by paps. Wright gets hounded still for the incident in Louisiana and Schreiber gets hounded because of his kids with Watts. Maybe it’s not a constant thing but they do get it.
I have no sympathy for the types who don’t use private entrances and do want the attention but I do have sympathy for the types who try to go to the grocery store and are surrounded by cameras. People seem to think that if somebody is famous, they’re public property and I don’t believe that to be true.
ben’s right. when celebrities suffer it’s fun because we all sort of know them enough to indulge our schadenfreude (google it, ben) but we don’t have to dwell on the guilt generated by all this emotional rape…real or imagined…or elaborately staged by some clandestine governement agency that hides UFOs and blows up buildings.
Well said! I didn’t know your Weltanschauung embraced schadenfreude!
Him damnit! i mean government!!!
why don’t the germans ever put spaces between their words?
i went to a bar called gasthofzurgemutlicheit the other day. wtf?
weltanshcauung? ridiculous.
Cracka just used one of my favorite words! Him bless you, Cracka.
Yo # 437 - I’m from the southern bit of Ohio that borders West Virginia and Kentucky in the foot hills of hillbilly country, so of course it figures that the resounding gong lives there. It all fits now.
bridgette earned herself a nickname today!!!
i wonder if her husband is a clanging cymbal?
I have this posted on the computer room door:
ACHTUNG!
ALLES LOOKENSPEEPERS!
Das komputermachine ist nicht fuer gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und poppencorken mit spitzensparken. Ist nicht fuer gewerken bei das dumpkopfen. Das rubbernecken sichtseeren keepen das cotten-pickenen hans in das pockets muss; relaxen und watchen das blinkenlichten.
‘clanging cymbal’ is her ’special nickname’ for Mr. Bridgette.
Nun #483,
When Wright and Liev are hounded it is by accident. I see Liev walking on the street to the manhattan cigar bar (one of the few places you can smoke indoors in NYC) all the time. Have you ever seen a pic of him walking there? Nope.
Spike Lee also lives in my hood. You only see him in the news when he is mid court for the Knicks’ many loses. His sister lives next to me too, and she rides her bike up and down the street, no cameras (well she’s not really a celeb)
Point is, getting in the papers once or twice a year is not a planned thing. Showing up on US weekly on a weekly basis takes a team of PR people working to make it so. I dont feel bad for anyone who puts themselves out there, takes the money, the trappings of fame but then complains about it being a burden. When I was living in a car I would have loved that “burden”
i declare josh the winner!
DEBATE FACE!!
Yo. I have no idea what you said. You’re not a Nazi are you?
i also declare yoyo a
gesicht-FACE! on his coworkers!!
uh oh.
curtis is coming perilously close to breaking godwin’s law.
well, here we go:
there can be…
ONLY…
1!
one!
500!!!
those 9 inches i lost yesterday on that century face are BACK!!!!
Mein Gott!
Cracka, that sounds just like something Hitler would say! Godwin’s law indeed. This isn’t Nazi Germany, you know.
Your statement is completely fascist! I’m completely mortified that I ate bratwurst and sauerkraut for lunch!
Curtis, when I start spouting Technobabel at the non computer people here (read:everyone), they look at me like I’m speaking a foreign language.
I’m thinking of getting a schtick (or is that a bit? Help, Josh!) like the Soup Nazi: “No computer for you. Go!”
Oh yeah, good job on 500 - 9 inches huh? Mein Fehrur!
Josh,
The ones who are hounded by accident are the ones I have sympathy for. I don’t feel sympathy for the ones who ask for it and I think I already mentioned that.
I am not talking about the celebs who have their publicist call ahead to warn paps that so-and-so is coming. I’m not talking about the ones who go to known pap hotspots. I’m talking about the families who can’t take their kids to a basketball game without the whole family being photographed. I’m talking about the people who go to the grocery store and get accosted on the way out. I’m talking about the people who are trying to take their kid to preschool and the paps have surrounded the entrance. Seriously, do you think that doesn’t happen?
Is invoking Godwin’s Law on purpose like washing your car to make it rain?
Yo - I love it when you computer thingy people use all those big words I can’t understand. I just stare ahead and blink a few times until they just fix whatever my problem is.
Playing dumb can work really well.
“Bratwurst and sauerkraut” is that anything like a ‘tossed salad’, Curtis?
and with that,
‘night y’all.
Curtis, it’s all part of a script we learn when we join the Union. After you stop paying attention, we flick the switch to fix the device, then spend two hours playing Solitaire before telling you it’s fixed.
yes, yoyo, it’s exactly like that. if you’ll look back, what curtis said was in no way a violation of godwin’s law. but he did use the word “nazi”. close enough, i thought, this’ll get a few comments going…godwin’s law.
nun’s still going on about celebrities. women and their yaps, huh? sheesh.
josh - i love your new avatar. it is not disturbing in any way.
lolz….totally agreed cracka. women and their yaps. you’re funny.
Poor Cracka is as confused about my gender as he is his own.
Agreement, Cracka.
no, not confused, you have the yap of a woman, the casual sexual attitude of a “dude” and the vagina of a very recently-post-pardem white rhino.
pretty much nailed it.
what the hell is that sloppy, translucent bag that guys trapped in?
oh, it’s just his afterbirth. he tried to fuck nun, got sucked in, gestated for a while and came out a few years older and a whole lot of years wiser. poor bastard.
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/a25c3d8fc1/nailed-it-from-owen-burke
Nun,
I agree, but it doesn’t happen as much as you think. So many people in the entertainment industry, but so few on the cover of US Weekly.
Yo YO,
That’s a schtick.
Ben,
That’s me real picture.
when you finally get out of the nun’s vagina do not linger! that warning sign is not there for no good reason! you will get slimed!
That’s right, I forgot I was surrounded by males and females are not allowed to state their opinions. Of course, all females know that only males who aren’t confident with their masculinity behave that way.
My burro is very confident in his masculinity and lets me yap all day long. I don’t think he listens to a word I say but he never tells me to shut up unless I sing. My burro has a huge penis. Josh, who I was having the conversation with, never told me to shut up and we already know that Josh has a giganto darkie penis.
Poor Ben and Yo, just as dimpled in the crotch as good ol’ Cracka.
Josh,
No offense bud but you don’t really know what I think about how often it happens. I don’t think it should happen at all.
Josh, when did you have to live in your car? Pre or post-network engineer?
What’s that irritating buzzing sound?
Probably your pace-maker getting ready to explode.
Joke’s on you - mine doesn’t use electricity to operate! I’m the original steampunk!
WOW!! You’re like way more ancient than I thought. Congratulations on being alive!
LOL! Mel Brooks based his ‘1000 year old man’ bits on my life.
I don’t mind the steam fired pacemaker, except when the relief valve jams. When I get heartburn, it’s the real deal.
nun-525-
oldFACE!!!
the rest of it, though. jesus. who do you think has all the time to read a 500 word essay?
i got this far:
“That’s right, I forgot I was surrounded by males and females are not allowed to state their opinions.”
then i thought to myself, “FINALLY!”
You’re right Nun, I don’t know how much you think it happens.
I just saw Underworld 3. Not too bad. I wish it was longer.
Cracka,
I don’t expect you to read or comprehend anything. That takes intelligence and you just ain’t got that. That’s why I was talking to the retarded ching-chong.
Josh,
I want to see that movie so bad!! I like the Underworld flicks.
I was “homeless” post engineer. Chasing the dream sometimes sucks, but you get used to eating at Gray’s Papaya. hotdog and a drink for $2? Sign me up.
it was only a few months and I crashed at my girlfriend’s house a lot. Then I got an apartment that was empty, just a bed, a folding chair, a TV, and an old X Box. But that was a good time, I got to perform every night.
i got a screener of it if you want, you can download it from drunkenstepfather.com it’s in the forums
http://www.drunkenstepfather.com/forum/showthread.php?p=221967#post221967
Josh,
I lived in one furnished room before. Coming up in the world and trying to find your feet sucks.
Online is where I turn into a pirate and pillage. I’ll check that out when I get home. Many thanks.
for the love of Him, nun, maybe you should get in line with ben to use smoggy’s insult generator. you’ve been recycling for weeks now. i once lived in a 76 cadillac. hardtop. white car. leather interior. enough room in the back for a small vietnamese family. (in vietnam, 14 people is considered a small family) only for about 6 weeks, though.
kind of like this:
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/9/9f/Cadillac_Fleetwood_Series_75_Limousine_1968_IMG_8552.jpg
probably bigger than your one room roach zoo, josh.
Commenting on your stupidity is not recycling a joke, Cracka. It’s a commentary on reality.
getting more predictable too…um…whore.
Why do you say ‘fag’ like it was an insult, Nun? I’m a sheep-fucker–being a fag would be a big step up for me, especially if it allows me to bypass being a woman.
By the way–speaking of poetry–when I wrote this stanza:
“There’s cheese that is full of big holes,
And big holes that smell just like cheese.
There is ancient French brie,
That smell’s like girls’ pee,
And causes old camels to sneeze.”
The ‘big hole that smells like cheese’ is a reference to your vajayjay with a yeast infection. And the ‘Old Camel’ is my tribute to Paganannie Dicknickname.
HAHA!
smoggy’s my third, no fourth, favorite NZer.
Good thing I don’t own a nuke. Otherwise, NZ would be TOAST!
Smoggy walks a mile for a camel. Dragging a step-stool with him.
Okay, completely off topic here but I’ve got a burr up my saddle. (no jokes, you reprobates)
And I’m serious here — how come you all wouldn’t dare to use the term “nigger” because it’s completely un PC but yet have no problem calling someone a “fag”??
I can make and take a joke as well as the next guy, but you all have no idea just how harmful your words can be.
Even here.
Jesus, I’m in a pissy mood.
Curtis - How ’bout a burro up your culo instead? Whould that ease your “pissy mood”?
I call blacks ‘darkies’. I wouldn’t call that PC either, Curtis.
Cracka repeatedly calls me a ‘whore’ even though I AM NOT A FUCKING WHORE!!
I’m not even a slut but I don’t get a burr under my saddle every time somebody calls me one. This blog is satirical (sorry, God… please don’t smite me) and everything should be taken with a grain of salt.
Curtis,
I use both terms, I say fag because all my gay friends say it, and I actually never said it until I starting hanging out with them daily and working with them. It’s not a good excuse I know.
I say nigger, well because I’ve been called it many times, and I love Dave CHappelle.
Curtis,
Noo Zillunder’s have ancestral connections to England, where a ‘fag’ was traditionally a prefect’s servant. We don’t really use it that much–although it is coming in more with American pop culture. We’d say poofter, homo, nancy boy, queer, etc. as much of not more than fag…usually prefaced with ‘fucken…’. And you know as well as we do, that we’re not anti-gay, we think you and your partner have been royally fucked over, and we use it to create the opposite effect (like homosexuals claiming ‘gay’ and ‘queer’). If you like, much like God uses this blog to expose the stupidity of religion (sorry God).
SB
I don’t think I’ve ever used “fag” or “gay” on this site. I prefer to be politically correct and call things “retarded.” Now there’s an epithet that just doesn’t get used the way it ought to.
Smoggy, you are so retarded.
curtis,
because we’re white.
actually, i’ve thought about using it in instances where i thought it would be funny but wasn’t sure if i would get fired. i’m not the IT dept like some old guys around here. maybe it would be easier if i put it in quotes? i could go home and post even more offensive stuff if it would make you feel better.
(homos and their feelings, huh? sheesh.)
What are you saying? Homos got feelings? Note: I have never used the word ‘fag’, unless I was talking to that exchange student who smoked.
Today’s Friday the 13th. Do you suppose Nun is hiding in her house, wearing a cross, sprigs of garlic, a rabbit’s foot, etc?
the gays i know use fag, faggy, faggoty, etc. and don’t care if i do, as long as it’s clear i’m joking or not being vicious.
the “colored folk” i know use that ‘other word’ but pretty much don’t want white people saying it at all…ever. at least the ones i know. something about slavery, civil rights, lynchings, kkk, etc. personally, i don’t see why they’re so touchy. black anger, it’s why obama’s so scary. so, for me, i guess i’m sort of programmed not to say that word (the one i can’t even type). although my brother says it to curse like some people might say “motherfucker!” yeah, he’s an idiot. he also lives where no black man dare tread.
okay, i’ve explained myself.
In honour of Josh’s digital manipulation, and to show Cracka as a ching-chong, I’ve modified my gravatar.
friday the 13th, huh? i wonder how many lame office jokes we’re going to have to endure today?
i meant my brother in law. my actual brother just says it to be racist.
i’m not a ching chong, it’s jaundice. kidney failure, you know?
I once broke a mirror, but got off with 3-5 and time for good behavior. (Old joke)
Give that liver a rest, cracka!
you’re right curtis we should all use the word nigger too. either it’s all ok or none of it is. it’s all ok.
now stop being such a retarded nigger fag.
cunt.
Someone said that if we made all the ‘bad’ words acceptable, within a week a new crop of ‘bad’ words would arise.
Frack you all! You censored bleeps!
If you still see my blue brain avatar, clean out your cookies, etc. See my new, racist ching-chong avatar! He hates himself!
again. i’d have to go find a different computer all the way across the room. it’s possible. i might.
Go, go, cracka! Pretend there’s a Hooters waitress with a cold beer waiting for you!
HA~! fucking awesome yo yo. fucking awesome.
ha ha! Yo yo you like like cracka, Bridgette and Ben had an orgy!
BARF!
thanks, josh, i just projectile vomited all over my screen.
yoyo-560
“Well, I was just trying to make a point, and that is that it’s the suppression of the word that gives it the power, the violence, the viciousness. Dig: if President Kennedy would just go on television, and say, “I would like to introduce you to all the niggers in my cabinet,” and if he’d just say “nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger” to every nigger he saw, “boogie boogie boogie boogie boogie,” “nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger” ’til nigger didn’t mean anything anymore, then you could never make some six-year-old black kid cry because somebody called him a nigger at school.”
“Take away the right to say fuck and you take away the right to say fuck the government.”
-Lenny Bruce
Cracka #550 — Feelings? You’ve GOT to be kidding. I’ve been dead inside for years.
curtis,
your words say your dead inside but your gravatar says a different story!
come to NYC Curtis! YOu’d love it. Also please do the Montreal Black and Blue fest. It’s in Oct. The whole city is gay with joy.
oh no!
http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/02/13/plane.crash.victims/
“Also on the plane were 49 other people who were completely unnewsworthy.”
there is a “comic” in new york who does a joke about something like that where he talks about the buddy holly crash and how no one mentions the regular peopel on the flight and he does a conversation with a buddy holly fan and the brother of a person who also died on the flight. it’s a funny joke, this guys only funny joke.
My son was sent home as the school did not find God’s Divine Valentine’s Day Card “appropriate”. What a bunch of Satan loving fuckholes!!
I’m going to go burn the school down now. In the name of God, of course.
REALLY? holy shits!
They will properly fear God and His minions when I get done with them!!
I’m wearing my “Jesus loves fags but God hates everybody” sandwich board.
And I still have sympathy for Mary Kate Olsen but none for Katie Holmes. Haters.
Nun,
please explain how you have sympathy for one and not the other.
JOSH!!
you just had to ask, didn’t you???
well, here we go again…
Anne: Actually, not bad today. Chili, grilled cheese sandwich (well, of course cheese), no soup, custard, and get this
FRESH FRUIT!!
OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG!
I ’bout fell out of my chair. ALL HAIL THE DIVINE MIRACLE!
nun, it’s because the public schools are run by liberal commy bastards who hate God’s Giant Cock of Truth but love all the other cocks. A-holes.
Because Katie Holmes is one of the famewhores you were describing yesterday.
and the olsen twins are not? Last time I checked they had enough money not to have to be on the cover of magazines or attend parties the paps will be at.
oh yeah Nun, did you check out that link to underworld 3?
Mary Kate is still trying for that elusive acting career, hence the mag cover. When was the last time Ashley was on a cover of a magazine because she’d given an interview? I think it’s been awhile.
And yeah I checked out the link but I feel non-computer savvy like God. I can’t figure out how to get the files. I have Utorrent but I’m not on megaupload. Do I have to sign up for megaupload?
Josh, your avatar is starting to make me nauseous. please change it. i could do a mashup of your face too you know!
wow, that’s two vomitous reactions in one day. you’re on a roll, josh!
yoyo, nun needs someone to explain the series of tubes to her. you know, when you have time. i mean, whenever you’re ready. after your break is fine. or monday, whatever….(please fix our computers, oh mighty IT guy).
Ben,
It’s done.
Nun,
use the rapidshare links. You don’ thave to sign up, the only draw back is you can only download a file every 15 minutes. I downloaded all 8 while I was at work!
PS - Nun, MK time would be better spent in acting lessons instead of at photo shoots. She is really bad, and unlike Katie Holmes she will not show any tit to get ahead.
Thanks, Josh. I see what the issue was… I have a download manager on my home PC that was making the download impossible.
In my personal opinion, Josh, Mary Kate should give it a break but she seems to want to act. I do not believe she’s very talented either, most child stars were child stars because they were cute. Only a handful of them actually had/have real talent.
Cracka, I’ll contact the Bastard Operator From Hell (worh googling), we’ll get on your problem right away.
And by ‘right away’, I mean sometime next week. We’ll put it on the schedule next week. That is. next week, we’ll look at our schedule, and see if we can find a palce to schedule you in. How does half-past April sound?
Josh - MK can buy all the tit she needs. However, with her slight frame, she’d probably damage her back.
Lunch: Chinese food from the China Cat Garden. My fortune said, “I spit in your food“.
It sounds nasty, even when I add ‘in bed’ on the end of it.
Josh,
That rapidshare thing is now telling me that I have reached the download limit for a free user. WTF! Stealing shouldn’t be this difficult. I’ll just wait until it comes out on DVD. I own the other two, don’t see why I won’t own this one.
thanks Josh, your new avatar looks cool but I can’t tell what’s going on there. is God striking him down?
yeah Nun, I told you you can only download ever 15 minutes and only a certain amount an hour. Just wait, you cna download more later.
bastard operator from hell is pretty funny. now i have something to do after lunch, thanks yo!
ben,
He’s getting a quickening; there can be only one [black president]
(I took a screen shot from Highlander 1)
which i will be attending shortly after i declare:
there can be only one!
SCHLONG POWER!!!!
quickenings still work for you? and they always grow your dick?
they should really be called lengthenings then.
Poor Cracka. Living vicariously through the internet.
Thanks, Josh. Obviously I don’t pay a whole lot of attention to the little details in what you say… you’re just a retarded ching-chong, after all.
Cracka, I’ve always enjoyed the Bastard Operator From Hell, Josh has probably met him.
i’m living vicariously through the internet?
“you keep using that word. i don’t think that it means what you think it means.”
i’m actually doing pretty well on the not-too-boring front, nun. my band’s next show is being recorded by a grown up camera crew and the local hipster radio will be there for us and i’m probably going to be so nervous that i crap myself. josh, you got any secrets for stage nerves? i mean, besides tons of booze?
Don’t imagine the audience in their underwear. If they’re good looking, you’ll get a tent. If they’re geriatric, you’ll get sick!
never met the guy.
now that Kevin Bacon is one broke mofo thanks to Madoff, he’s doing some funny videos on Funnyordie.com
every cloud has a silver lining!
You’ve been bacon’d!
Cracka, can you tell us your band’s name, or at least the genre? (Industrial? Fusion-Polka/Ska?)
here’s his bands CD:
http://www.amazon.com/Beastiality-Handsome-Beasts/dp/B0000085XK
i will tell you when i finish recording…maybe…if it’s not too weird. if nun promises not to make fun of my gigantic package when she sees my picture.
we play that sort of mid-tempo alt-metal stoner rock type stuff with some spookiness and psychadelia here and there.
damn. that’s it. josh got me.
i like the “customers who bought related items” list.
this game is fun:
http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/50323
no that game is stupid.
slowly the worlds of the posters will collide.
yeah, i forgot to mention it josh, but i’m coming to one of your shows.
Poor Josh.
good luck Ben, as I have not performed in 2 months and change because my nights are spent performing for my kid. when I do perform at a club and you come, just let me know in advance. That’s so I can buy you a drink, and def. not to alert the bouncers.
there is a comic who only has a car, no home, and will come to your house and perform for free if you let him sleep the night indoors and feed him. he’s new, so he more than likely sucks, as all us new comics do.
What Josh is trying to say is that all new comics will suck your dick for food and board.
are there any hot new comics with nice tatas?
You don’t have a dick to suck so why would it matter?
cracka,
I know a comic who used to take her clothes on stage when she was bombing. She also did a road gig with a friend of mine and he walked up on her sucking the bookers dick. I asked my friend my friend, who happens to be gay, if she might have just been sucking his peen because she liked him and not for stage time. His reply was, “Maybe she just liked the way his dick tastes.”!
yeah! is there?
“are there any hot new comics with nice tatas?”
Yeah, but they also have dicks.
So it’s a win-win situation.
All hope is not lost for poor dickless Cracka. He could probably find a new comic to tongue his crotch divet.
Ben,
I don’t understand the attraction to PC or video gaming. I mean I guess pacman was okay and perhaps pong, but once you’ve mastered those two, all other games seem to be the same, just with flashier graphics and audio.
all hope is lost for anyone waiting for nun to come up with new material. she’s the jay leno of the internet.
curtis. you’re kidding, right?
i’d say there are some pretty badass video games right now.
Jesus, Cracka. How stupid are you? How many times do you need to be told that is not joking, that’s fucking reality. Dense, dense, dense.
I do think it’s funny that you say I need new material when you can’t think of anything to call me other than a ‘whore’. People are right when they say a man’s brains is between his legs cuz you ain’t got no brains either.
I like the Sims games. They allow me to play God.
that’s half the joke, you dumb whore.
shut up, ben.
stupid office ‘puter is so dumb.
Gears of War!!! (part one and two)
I also can not wait for Prototype.
My brother says dead space is pretty good, and bioshock was great. But i spent my X box budgeted money on diapers.
That’s the whole joke, idiot. That’s why I always reply the same.
nun and cracka are totally gay for each other.
but alas, there love is like a man mouse effing a blue whale.
I like the RollerCoaster Tycoon games too. As with Sims, they allow me my delusions of divinity.
Cracka’s a girl?! That explains so much.
josh: did anyone come up with a mod chip for the x box yet?
free games, baby! works for wii.
nun, why are you getting all upset? i’m simply sticking with the same routine where i call you a whore. you tell me i have no penis. i insult you for being unoriginal. you get all upset and tell me i’m stupid for not…ooooooh. right.
no mod chip that I know of.
one day I will get a WII, i hear great things.
all I know is I can get netflix videos on my XBOX 360, and I can shoot 14 year old boys in gears of war. It’s hillarious to hear them complain while the game is played. Then hear their moms bust in the room and yell at them to turn the game off and it’s all broadcast over xbox live. HILARIOUS.
there are zillions of modchips according to the googlies. you’d probably need to disable before going on to xbox live, though…or bill gates will show up at your house to throw shoes at you.
WOW!! Cracka actually borrowed somebody’s brain. Good job, Cracka but you’ll have to give it back eventually. Just like when you borrow somebody’s penis.
mariokart wii is addictive as hell, those japanese kids piss me off. how good do you need to be at a cartoon racing game before you feel alive anyway? ridiculous.
i’m keeping them both, nun.
You can’t keep them, Cracka. You’re white, not black. Only blacks steal. Unless it’s a black man’s brain and cock in which case you can keep them because you “Da MAN” keeping a brother down. But that’s just silly talk, if you had stolen a black man’s brain there’s no way you would have had your epiphany.
well, you obviously never stole a black man’s brain because you can spell epiphany.
almost did it, curtis. maybe next time. that word is too much for me. guess i’m a pretty shitty cracker, huh?
I don’t steal from black men, bonehead. I fuck them.
nun,
i disagree, white peopel steal big shit, black people steal little shit. MAdoff? stealing ass cracka. Chris Columbus? Stealing ass cracka.
White people don’t steal, you retardo ching-chong!
White people are entitled to all so when they take something it’s just taking something back that was stolen from them by a darkie.
but Madoff stole money from Kevin Bacon. Madoff stole from other cracka ass crackas.
Madoff is a darkie in white-face.
josh doesn’t understand because he’s black.
i’m going to go now. it’s all american night: steaks and jack daniels and for dessert: genocide.
so good night all you faggots and african-americans.
shut up, ben.
Good night, you mysogenic racist drunk!
Geez, I wish I didn’t have to attend so many meetings. I miss all the conversation.
Stupid job.
Ah, Nun - I forgot about the Sims. I like that game much better since I got the nudity patch. No pixeled out naughty bits!! I especially like to create a Sim that looks remarkably similar to someone who pissed me off at work and name them the same. I like to build the house, put them in a room with the oven and just watch the fun. They eventually scream as they are burned alive. Very satisfying.
You can also put them in the swimming pool and delete the ladder. They will swim until they are exhausted and drown.
And one of my favorites is to put them in a room and delete the door. They will be bored and starve to death.
Hey! I’m looking forward to some gaming tonight!
‘night, y’all. Happy VD. (you can take penicillin for that)
Josh, just noticed your new gravatar - very cool!
My theory of evolution: A long time ago, whites and blacks lived together in Atlantis. When it was destroyed, all the people were swept out to sea. The white people, being lighter, were washed up in Europe. The blacks ended up in Africa. And ever since then, whites have been on top.
I burned my Scully sim alive once. That was traumatic.
yoyo, your avatar wins. the only thing is i’m confusing you for cracka now.
I am an angry racist ching-chong.
Flvck you whitey!
You’re also ugly and have teeny, tiny penis. Don’t get pissy because I stated the obvious, Ching-Chang.
Not that I check in from home or anything.
God save the Asians whom He hates. Yo’s new gravitar upsets me. So much like that jaundiced Craka we all “love” yet so - I don’t know - Asian. First Josh, now Yo —
What a bunch of fags.
There.
I said it.
Damn you, disciples. Damn you faggoty fag fag fag fag disciples to hell.
Oh. and happy St. Valentine’s day.
Satire. If you can’t tell, we’re all kidding. No one here is racist you dirty sperm-burping cornholer.
I’d like to thank Lisa Lampenelli for teaching me some new insults. thanks cunt.
aint nothing new about lisa lampenelli.
I hate hillbillies. Especially if they’re from West Virginia. Dumbasses. You know what you’ve got when you’ve got 24 girls from West Virginia in a bar? A full set of teeth.
Stupid, ignorant hillbillies. Oughta be rounded up and shot. Then no one would bitch when we remove the tops of mountains to get at the coal seams.
Wow. I’m glad I’m not -err- uhh - a -uhm - a hillbilly.
I’ve at least got most of my teeth, anyway.
Here’s something fun:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iSVR94c0bqM
eh, i disagree josh. it’s the first time we’ve seen a woman good at being the foul-mouthed offensive comic.
jealous!
really? ever head of Moms Madley? Sarah Silverman is not funny to me, but she does the same thing and has nicer tits.
666 - Ooooooh! spooky.
Josh, HarperCollins just gave Sarah Silverman 2.5 million for a book, and they don’t even know what she’s going to write about.
667 — The Beast’s next door neighbor.
That’s too bad because S. Silverman thoroughly sucks!!!
anne,
wouldn’t 668 be the beast’s next door neighbor? 667 is the guy that lives across the street
agreed on the address.
as for the nothing new thing, eh. nothing is new anywhere. it’s all a copy of a copy of a copy.
Josh, you’re right! Now I know why I have to stare at a gutted car on cinder blocks every time I use my front porch!
[...] sempre aquele mesmo “nhénhénhé”. Dia dos Namorados (que nos Estados Unidos é o St. Valentine’s Day – Dia de São Valentino, tradução livre) é uma data de fofura, chocolate e clichês [...]
MAY GOD FORGIVE ALL OF YOU WHO HAVE IN ONE WAY OR THE OTHER BLASPHEMED HERE. PLEASE DO NOT PLAY WITH GOD WHATEVER YOU DO.
DO NOT SPREAD FALSE INFORMATION
AND ONCE AGAIN RESPECT AND FEAR GOD
THANKS, FABIAN! IT IS EASIER TO READ THIS WAY! FROM NOW ON I’M GOING TO ALL CAPS EVERYTHING.
have you ever noticed that the stupidest comments are also the ALL CAPS comments?
My name is Richard Valentines day always pisses me off although I find the story behind St. Valentine quite intriguing. Well done God you are like so talented. You have god given talent….wait.
oh darkrich. you’re so dark.
and hot.
…and mail…
I was just looking at that picture of Cupid pissing on Venus. It reminds me of Le Mannequin Piss in Brussels. It is a famous fountain there and the little cupid is pissing into the water. People think it’s cute. I think it’s kinda gross!
I agree with you 100% Lyds. Le Mannequin Piss should be pissing on a woman as well–pissing straight into the water is disgusting!
Smog-
hahahahaha! oh, wait! I’m a woman. Damn you! If I was a goddesss I’d smite your stinky ass!!!!! Sheep- fu*%er!!!!
(I love the word ’smite’! also derivatives: smote, smitten/smoten, and of course, smited!)
I also love that my “gravatar” has a winked eye and a stickey out tongue! ;p
Only God could have arranged that miracle! PRAISE GOD!!!!
I wonder who you refer to as God here.
Take a wild guess fabian…maybe, just maybe, it’s God. What are the odds?
I think you made some good points in your post.