Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
Today I need to clear up some misconceptions regarding a plane crash that I caused yesterday:
All 155 Escape Jet’s Plunge Into Hudson
Now a lot of people have been thanking Me for saving the lives of every human on the plane, as well they should. I just as well could have let every one of them die, as I have done many times in the past. But no, not this time. While most of the passengers were bloated sinners, I have other fates for them.
No, My main motivation for causing this crash was in smiting pigeons, a creature created by the devil. As you likely don’t know, the crash was caused when the plane flew into a flock of 552 pigeons. I am glad to say that all 552 were beautifully killed and transformed into snarge.
Pigeons are filthy creatures, no more than flying rats really. They are also all smelly Muslim terrorists, which is why they spend their lives pooping on good Christian children. I swear to you that I am doing everything within My Powers to wipe out these vermin. Plane crashes, viruses, and wintertime are all methods I am using.
I command those who love Me to do the same and take drastic measures to exterminate the pigeon population. If you see a demonic Muslim pigeon, quickly grab a shotgun and blow it into smithereens. Or feed it some Alka-seltzer tablets and it will explode in a puff of feathers. That’s entertaining too.
I, the Almighty Lord, have spoken.
Ralph on 
freebiesss on 
TheEvilOverlord on 
God on 
Craig on 
samanta on 
ShunRenHu on 
Dear God,
Thanks for killing all those stupid pigeons. And for giving the talking heads a refreshingly new topic complete with cool live video coverage.
You Rock !
Josh said it was geese. What a retarded chinky-chong.
How do You feel about crows, God. Do You hate them too? They’re black like a lot of Africans so I’m thinking You do. Am I right, God? Am I??
God also hates The Black Crowes and Russell Crowe.
I have thought of many ways to rid the world of pigeons and similar birds who shit on us, namely the evil Satanic bird-creature known as the seagull.
I’m just waiting on Your thoughts on these ideas:
- Beating pigeons with baseball bats covered in barbed wire.
- Shitting on the head of a pigeon and then lighting said pigeon on fire.
- Throw Molotov Cocktails at pigeons (other explosives work just as well).
- Slit a pigeon’s throat and pour acid down said pigeon’s throat.
- Cover the pigeon seeds with arsenic.
- Nail some pigeons to a cross and leave them outside to die.
Hume Cronyn, God also hates Cameron Crowe, Counting Crows and Gregory Peck.
God’s Divine Tool of bird murder.
http://www.thestate.com/166/story/652353.html?RSS=untracked
Thanks, GR. Forgot those.
Also: forcing a pigeon to watch “Dune” and then
giving the pigeon a tiny, bird-sized gun with one bullet
and let nature take its course.
Either “Dune” or “The Prince of Tides.”
Guaranteed pigeo-icide.
Also, Nun: a fellow Palmetto state-er?
The State does suck though.
Fuck You God!
Those were highly trained birds that were specifically programmed to fly into jet engines. Your taking of the credit for this event is TOTAL BULLSHIT !!!
Pigeons can do ANYTHING when properly motivated …
http://www.google.com/technology/pigeonrank.html
God’s a nutty Jehovah’s Witness.
Shit… I’m a fucking mess. God, I would like to say that since You have cut me off from Your blessed and spiritual chiba, I have been smoking Satan’s evil chiba which has fucked me up, as you can see from my test results.
1. Sikhism (100%)
2. Neo-Pagan (95%)
3. Reform Judaism (87%)
4. Unitarian Universalism (86%)
5. Liberal Quakers (80%)
6. New Age (78%)
7. Jainism (75%)
8. Orthodox Judaism (74%)
9. Mahayana Buddhism (72%)
10. Hinduism (70%)
11. Theravada Buddhism (66%)
12. Baha’i Faith (65%)
13. Secular Humanism (62%)
14. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (55%)
15. Islam (54%)
16. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (50%)
17. Taoism (45%)
18. New Thought (44%)
19. Orthodox Quaker (42%)
20. Scientology (40%)
21. Jehovah’s Witness (38%)
22. Nontheist (37%)
23. Eastern Orthodox (24%)
24. Roman Catholic (24%)
25. Seventh Day Adventist (23%)
26. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (22%)
27. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (20%)
Hey!! God, my new post just went to #9!?! WHAT THE FUCK?!
Damn.
I’ve been fired by God. This weekend is really going to blow.
Guess I took the wrong test:
1: Windows XP (100%)
2: Windows Vista (91%)
3: Linux (87%)
4: Apple OS (51%)
1. Unitarian Universalism (100%)
2. Liberal Quakers (85%)
3. Secular Humanism (85%)
4. Neo-Pagan (80%)
5. Theravada Buddhism (79%)
God’s fucking with His Divine Time Stamp and confusing the hell out of His mortals.
I think we’re in some weird time warp that God created because it’s Friday, He’s bored, and wants to fuck with our heads. Why else would this (should be 33) comment end up back in the teens?
Cracka is going to have to wait a LONG time to get to that century quickening he’s so fond of.
Yo! We’re both Unitarian thingies! How cool!
Who exactly are we and what do we believe?
I’m 54% Muslim and 100% Sikh. God is going to smite me but I swear it’s Satan’s evil chiba.
Hasn’t anyone seen The Birds? Our Benevolent and Most Righteous God is destroying these filthy animals for good reasons! I am going downtown at lunchtime, armed with a shotgun, to help God with His Holy War.
Not that God needs or asked for my help. I do this to let people know of our Holy Ruler’s plans.)
I believe it was geese that downed the plane, but SAME DIFFERENCE. Have you seen what a flock of geese can do to a football field? SMITE! Bastards should be flying south. They’ve forgotten how. What kind of bullshit bird is that? “Well, we used to fly south, but now we just tie up traffic on the way to the bathroom … errr … football field.”
I’m a Druid, yes, but when those fuckers step out in front of my car … BANG BOOM, GOOSE HEAVEN!
pigeons may be assholes, but you gotta admit that pooping on a fat kid’s head is pretty funny.
I wonder what this means for this weekend’s football games. I’m thinking the steelers beat the ravens, and the cardinals and the eagles tie. Donovan McNabb won’t know what that means, but I do.
the cardinals and the eagles will have to join up and face the steelers in the superbowl. my final SB prediction:
Steelers: 55
Cardiggles: 0
I had no idea that pigeons were Muslim, but now it all makes perfect sense. I’m going to have to think of some especially gruesome ways to kill those flying rats. I think I’ll see what I can come up with in the laboratory.
Today, as penance for a halfway healthy lunch yesterday, the maniacal lunch ladies are serving Philly cheese steak sandwiches, home style chips (deep fried potato wedges that are VERY greasy), cheesy Swiss potato soup (actually worse than fondue today), and banana cream pie. And one wonders why we all waddle down the hallway.
Now, Big G, please clear up how You feel about mourning doves. They are kind of pigeonesque. Should we be going after them too? Please give us a divine revelation.
Ben,
You can’t tie in a playoff game. Dumbass.
Earth to Nun! I knew that.
I was making a joke.
geez!
Thank you Tony, you are as faithful a press secretary as ever.
Nun - no, I love crowes. And I do not hate black people, per se.
Grim - those are all excellent ideas. Now follow through.
BF Skinner - NO, FUCK YOU!
a pigeon landed on my head once. except it wasn’t a pigeon, it was a bat. and it didn’t land on my head, it just swooped past it.
come to think of it, my experience is nothing like that of that little boy.
that boy sucks. pigeons are fags.
Was it an upside-down bat starbucks?
pz myers post today is brilliant:
http://scienceblogs.com/pharyngula/2009/01/for_gods_sake_have_bryan_apple.php
if bridgette could read (i mean really read, the kind where you understand all the words instead of just scanning them for snippets that affirm your primitive biases) she could maybe learn something from this.
fuckin’ faggy barbaric pigeon cunts
Bridgette is not capable of learning anything new, silly Cracka. Remember, she thinks Jesus cures AIDS which just leaves me speechless at her idiocy. It also proves that rational discussions are not a possibility with her and any attempts to do so are simply a waste of time.
Use the Belief-O-Matic and find out what you really worship!
http://www.beliefnet.com/Entertainment/Quizzes/BeliefOMatic.aspx
Yo - I’m pretty sure God is going to smite me. My scores:
1. Unitarian Universalism (100%)
2. Neo-Pagan (96%)
3. New Age (94%)
4. Liberal Quakers (87%)
So, basically I’m bound to be a tree hugging druid like Anne because I have no idea what the first one is. Interestingly, Roman Catholicism (which is how I was raised) only got 31%.
God is bound to smite my swishy tree hugging ass.
Curtis - You may no longer be an evangelist for Me. I did not realize you were such a radical.
My Scores:
1. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (100%)
2. Eastern Orthodox (91%)
3. Jehovah’s Witness (91%)
4. Roman Catholic (91%)
what the f is going on around here?
aw shit, i missed out on the wierd time portal thingie.
God,
I asked you before, but You did not answer.
What do you think of Jehovah’s Witnesses? They follow the bible to the letter, so they don’t celbrate Christmas or Easter, and they think wearing a cross is a sin.
He’s 91% Jehovah’s Witness. If He doesn’t care for them, I wonder if He’ll smite Himself.
Nun,
A man made (read imperfect) test told God what He is? I’d rather hear it from teh horses mouth so to speak.
Does that mean I’m not a Muslim after all? JOY!!
well in your picture you are wearing a hijab and you do get down on your knees at least 5 times a day.
Josh makes a good point. Since this test is obviously flawed, I can’t possibly be as radical as reported - so can I be an evangelist again, God?
Please? Aw, come on!
That’s a habit you fucking retard!
nun, if you were a muslim woman you would have been stoned to death a million times over (like you got cornered by bridgette’s congregation). i wonder what bridgette’s congregation looks like? do they keep their stones with them at all times?
Habit, Hijab? There really is no difference.
Uppity,
Where have you been? Nun gets stoned EVERYDAY.
Don’t talk about my church! You will regret your blasphemy. The real God is going to punish you all.
Piss off you fat sack of poo.
Hey, everybody! I have an idea! Let’s talk about Bridgette’s church! But first, I took the test:
Neo-Pagan 100%! Aced the fucker! I know my religion right down to psychic intercession!
Bridgette’s church is probably full of a bunch of fat sacks of poo or they’re a bunch of people who can’t stand people like Bridgette because people like her give the rest of them a bad name.
No, I’ve decided not to talk about Bridgette’s church, except to say, “Hey, Goddess Girl (i.e. Bridgette), why do you need a building? Don’t you think God’s beautiful wilderness is a more appropriate place to praise Him than some storefront with a furnace that leaks carbon monoxide and has lead paint on the windowsills?
Crap! I just spent $85 at the thrift store! We’ve got a shitload of stuff to show for it, but Mr. Johnson’s gonna withhold sex … I just know it … oh damn…
I hate day shift work. I get home, everyone else is gone. Oh well. Fly, Eagles fly! (But not into plane engines.)
hi anne! you can still talk to me!
ha ha just kidding. i’m too busy watching Nacho Libre.
Oh, Bridgette. You have no power here. Be gone, before someone drops a house on you too.
Phew. What a smell of sulfur.
Kudos to whomever gets that film reference.
Oh, come on, it isn’t that hard. Even Ben should get it.
The Wizard of Oz, Curtis. A blasphemous film.
Nacho Libre - that’s a good movie Ben. It honors My Holy people.
Don’t listen to God, Curtis! The Wizard of Oz introduced generations of Americans to the notion that witches can be GOOD!
I must really be backsliding, Anne. First I’m branded a scandalous neo-pagan unilateral thingy, then God fires me. Next thing you know I’ll be dancing nekkid in the woods.
Well, I WILL wait until Spring. Cold = shrinkage.
To make up for my backsliden ways and to hopefully get my job back as an evangelist (the economy is tough, you know) I will start preaching God’s Holy word like this:
http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=40696338
Bridgette will be so proud.
God, I hate pigeons. How do You feel about eagles, cardinals, & ravens? Just curious.
God loves Eagles, obviously. Otherwise it must be Druid Gods who are helping the Eagles. We’ll see…
God is right about The Wizard of Oz. It is an evil tool of satan to scare the crap out of little kids by filling their brain with horrible nightmares about satanic flying monkeys.
Those monkeys are modeled on the horrifying gargoyles sculpted for God’s holy cathedrals. Good work Jealous Gawd All Tighty-Whitey.
Curtis - If you promise to only evangelize for Me as they did in that video, then you can have your job back. My evangelists need to modernize.
Nun - You are truly righteous My child. I have blessed you and Cracka for your loyalty to Me with your own songs.
Also, to anyone who thinks that this plane killed geese rather than pigeons, this is a lie foisted upon the American public for political purposes. The plane killed 552 pigeons.
I can’t listen to Rush Limbaugh for ten minutes without blowing my stack. Now it turns out I can’t read his bullshit without also blowing my stack. ARRRRRRGHHHGHGHG! May the Flying Spaghetti Monster strangle Limbaugh with a noodly appendage!
Both pigeons and geese (and deer, for that matter, and raccoons for that matter, and groundhogs … the list could go on and on…) have profited from human overpopulation. Those Manhattan skyscrapers are heaven to a nesting pigeon, and then it just flies down to nosh on the trash left on the street. Pigeons never had it better. Ditto Canada geese. Never saw those fuckers in New Jersey, except when they were flying over, when I first moved here. But why fly south when you can dine on a well-groomed soccer field all year long? IT FUCKIN DOESN’T HAVE ONE FUCKIN THING TO DO WITH GLOBAL WARMING.
I respect nature, but it’s out of balance. The geese that are wintering as far north as New Jersey should be rounded up and exterminated. We can’t shoot humans, no matter how many of them deserve it, but we could cut down on these damn birds.
As for pigeons, God, perhaps encouraging your legions of followers to leave some poisoned bird food on window ledges in high rise buildings would work wonders.
But think twice, God. Remember how that statue of Zeus looks with the pigeon shit all over it. Keeps Zeus in his place.
Whoot! I got my job back! Now all you sinners listen up to my . . . WORD.
Two members of the 80’s new wave band “The Happy Mondays” once fed poisoned breadcrumbs to over three thousand of these birds in Manchester, England.
I suppose they get a free ticket to the pearly gates.
Wow!! I don’t think a mere thank You would properly represent the gratitude I feel, Dear Lord that You have given me my own theme. It even captures my paranoia quite nicely.
Please smite Winehouse. She’s become nothing more than a nuisance.
You are welcome My child, and I am glad it makes you happy. Amy Winehouse shall be smote, I promise you she is on My to-do list.
You always make me happy, You Big Divine Stud, You.
Inquiring minds may want to know …
FAA Bird Strike Study- 1990 - 2007
Strikes Cost, $M Species
7021 35.5 Gulls
4936 11.0 Pigeons/Doves
1907 4.2 Starlings
1830 9.3 Hawks
1533 1.3 Kestrels
1470 66.1 Geese
1334 1.0 Blackbirds
1150 23.6 Ducks
1107 2.4 Kildeer
1007 4.0 Owls
500 17.2 Vultures
484 1.5 Crows
466 5.3 Egrets
323 4.8 Herons
306 2.3 Thrushes
56 2.2 Cormorants
43 1.2 Grebes
15 11.7 Loons
34,304 211 Total Known Birds
45,668 79 Unknown Birds
(43 3.0 Bats)
Bird strike fun facts -
First known airplane bird strike was in 1905, By Orville Wright, who was chasing a flock of birds at the time!
The person at Smithsonian Institution in charge of the Feather Identification Lab is … Carla Dove !
http://wildlife.pr.erau.edu/BASH90-07.pdf
Cardinals 32
Eagles 25
And that, Anne Johnson, is why I let the Eagles get this far, so that their and your ultimate suffering would be all that much more painful. Let this be a lesson to you, tree-hugger.
THOSE WHO CROSS ME WILL BE SMOTE.
PS - I love Kurt Warner. That’s My boy.
nfc championship smite!
Adrian Wilson was just crying and said ‘God is good.’
Kurt Warner thanked Jesus but didn’t specifically mention You God. does that make You angry or do You still love him?
I am SMOTE! Seventeen and a half buzzards killed in air strikes! *weeps, gnashes teeth, pours ashes over head*
Just last night I set up a trap to kill me some pigeons. I had to spend a lot of money on landmines and flamethrowers though.
The Cardinals better demolish the Steelers this coming Superbowl, because we all like pissing Ben off.
Master Shake, you are an asshole. At least God made the Eagles vs. Cardinals game interesting. Too bad God despises anne. That would have been cool, but He must love the Cardinals & I respect that. Bring it on! I am so happy tonight & thank you God! You are truly the best! My grandson was waving the terrible towel many, many times! Which I might add, I have had since 1975, a true original. It never has been washed, though I must admit it does have some mascara marks on it.
I’ve threatened several pidgeons and geese with golf clubs before. Never killed any. On purpose…
well, johnson…
that’s 2 superbowl chokes and 4 conference championship chokes.
the eagles are creeping up on the vikings record of 4 superbowl chokes and 4 conference championship chokes.
it’s 8-6…keep it up and maybe you will be the chokingest chokers of all time!
wow…my own song. now, how do i play it? stupid computers from this building are from some early cold war experiment, i swear to God.
anonymous?
I’d like to thank God for a possibly halfway decent lunch today:
Parmesan chicken breasts, scalloped potatoes, carrots (probably boiled beyond recognition - be gone, pesky vitamins!), beef vegetable soup, and apple pie.
We’ll see.
Oh, wait - I got my job back. I will now evangelize as much as possible today — Bridgette style, mutha fucka’s!
And Jonathan made David swear again by his love for him; for he loved him as he loved his own soul. (1 Sam 20:17)
David was such a fag.
But anything in the seas or the rivers that has not fins and scales, of the swarming creatures in the waters and of the living creatures that are in the waters, is an abomination to you. (Lev 11:10)
What about octopuses? Or is that octopusses? Or octopi? I don’t believe they have scales and it’s a stretch to say that tentacles are fins.
does that include mermen, curtis?
Mermen have scales, dumbass. Know your mythological creatures, damn it!
For you, Cracka:
He went up from there to Bethel; and while he was going up on the way, some small boys came out of the city and jeered at him, saying, “Go up, you baldhead! Go up, you baldhead!” (2 Kings 2:23)
And one for Nun:
The man shall be free from iniquity, but the woman shall bear her iniquity. (Num 5:31)
Wow. I REALLY feel like I’m saving all you all’s poor pathetic souls by quoting the Bible. I see why Bridgette does it now. It’s like methamphetamine.
Anne, can’t forget you:
Go and cry to the gods whom you have chosen; let them deliver you in the time of your distress. (Judges 10:14)
Yo:
Laban had gone to shear his sheep, and Rachel stole her father’s household gods. (Gen 31:19)
Brother Josh:
Then Cain went away from the presence of the LORD, and dwelt in the land of Nod, east of Eden. (Gen 4:16)
For you, Ben, two verses:
So Judas threw the money into the temple and left. Then he went away and hanged himself. (Matt 27:5)
Go, and do likewise. (Luke 10:25)
98
99
There can be only one! AMEN
The man shall be free from iniquity, but the woman shall bear her iniquity. (Num 5:31)
Nun, I agree, and I feel for all you poor second class women, but it IS in the Bible - so, you know, what can I do?
I’m gonna get me a shotgun and shoot all the evangelists I see.
Cookies to the person who gets the obscure reference to a skit from Saturday Night Live.
But, Nun, I do your hair! Geez. Quote some biblical truth and some people get real testy.
No cookies for me, I don’t watch television. Everybody must have the day off today.
You do my hair crappy. What kind of gay are you anyway?
One of the best skits ever… Garrett Morris as a convict singing “I’m gonna get me a shotgun and shoot all the whities I see”. Classic.
shouldn’t yo’s verse be for smoggy?
yeah i agree with cracka on that. and my verse is appropo i suppose. and the one about woman’s iniquity is perfectly just.
jesus…. I almost took my kid to this but I have a problem being surrounded by that many rednecks.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090119/ap_on_re_us/monster_truck_death
Cracka, point taken.
Nun - I can’t arrange flowers worth a damn either. I think I’m probably not really gay at all, except for that love of the cock thing I just don’t fit in.
Ben, since you have been more polite this year so far, I will try to find another verse for you. Perhaps one about flogging.
Oh, Gods that I have chosen! Deliver me from distress!
Distress is too tight. I’d better go to the gym more, or in a few months, distress might not fit me at all.
Know why the Eagles choke on the big one year after year? It’s a plot to reward their shithead fans for booing them all the time.
i agree. eagles fans deserve a losing team for their negative attitudes just like jets fans deserve it for all the jerks who boo there too. fucking boo-jerks.