In this monthly feature, The Almighty first answers a few of the many questions He has recently received. Afterwards, mortals will be given the awesome opportunity to ask God one question. If The Lord is feeling generous, He may actually answer.
QUESTION #1:
Anne Johnson: Dear God, why do You make bad things happen to good people?
GOD: Holy shit, I am so tired of being asked this asinine, arrogant, egotistical question. Humans do not get to decide who is good or bad – only I can do that. For the last time time, if something bad happens to you it is entirely because you have done something to make Me hate you. And if I hate you it means you are a bad person.
QUESTION #2:
Doug: Dear God, who will win the Superbowl? Please say it will be the Cardinals.
GOD: Well, I had made My mind up to help the Cardinals win because Kurt Warner is always giving Me shout-outs, but at the last minute I decided to smite him because I got jealous of the love he gives to that cunt-wife of his. The Steelers will win, 27-23.
QUESTION #3:
Nun Ur Damned Bizness: God, why the fuck is Perez Hilton getting so much press coverage?
GOD: Because the media is obsessed with filthy-fat anus-lovers. Perez Hilton is the poster-boy for filthy-fat anus-lovers.
QUESTION #4:
Kraemer: God, is it true Joe Namath sold his soul to the devil for the 1969 Super Bowl?
GOD: No. Namath did sell his soul to the devil, but it was for a bag of weed when he was 13.
QUESTION #5:
God’s kid: Why must you be a guy God? Maybe if you’re a woman, you’d actually give a shit?
GOD: If I, Almighty God, were a woman, you would all be permanently fucked as the entire universe would’ve been refashioned into a gigantic dildo a long time ago.
QUESTION #6:
Stupid Git: Dear God, why are you such a pussy? Why don’t you grow a pair and stop being so passive aggressive? Are you getting soft in your old age?
GOD: IMPUDENT WHELP! You know nothing! I’m harder and more unforgiving than ever. As proof of this, I now take from you your family, your job, your home, and your health. You now have Trigeminal Neuralgia, a nerve disorder that causes episodes of intense pain in the eyes, lips, nose, scalp, forehead, and jaw. FACE!
QUESTION #7:
Wdabrock: Why don’t you get your piss-ant modern Christians to stop being so uppity about everything?
GOD: Why don’t you shut your stupid mouth?!
QUESTION #8:
Jude Johnson: If I were born in a secluded rainforest and never heard of you, would I still go to hell?
GOD: Yes, of course. Ignorance is not an excuse. You will burn in hell.
QUESTION #9:
Anne Johnson: Dear God, if Bridgette takes an abstinence pledge and then gets flattened by a bus, so she’s a virgin when she comes to heaven, are you going to do her, or are you going to turn her over to the Muslim extremists?
GOD: No, I would fuck her rotten in ways she never imagined possible. But this question is entirely academic as Bridgette raped her little brother when she was 13.
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But God, You said you treat me like shit because You love me?
I thought all of the obstacles You give were to show exactly how much You care?
Correction on the second “You”… I’ve got to work on my typing shills instead of texting
Dear God,
What is the meaning of 1,352,176 ?
the way You smite those steeler fans by giving them super bowl victories over and over so they think pittsburgh is a good place to live is pure genius, Sir. those dumb hicks will never leave that shithole now!!! hahahahaha!!! never underestimate God’s sneakiness.
when bridgette raped her little brother did she use a strap on? that is, did she rape his butt or did she lift up his f.u.p.a. and rape his privates? and, if i may, was it the fattest rape of all the rapes You have witnessed?
Sometimes I visit “Ask God” when the pharmaceuticals are wearing thin. Dumb questions, mean questions. Ashamed of myself. Maybe I should try to find some sweet, sweet chiba, relax, and let the world go to hell. Especially those ignorant rain forest people.
dude, those rain forest people are going to be so confused when their skin keeps melting off and reforming and melting off again…nothing funnier than a surprise hell smite.
Christian the Jew - that only counts for when you were a child. You are an adult now and I expect you to be running things.
Tony - That is the number of visits the home page of My Divine Blog has garnered thus far.
Cracka - No, she raped him in the normal way. It was not the fattest rape I have seen.
So, did Steeler fans riot, set cars on fire, etc. to show their support for the home team?
it’s like they Smite themselves!
i just thought i’d ask about the rape thing.
that time nun raped my poopchute with her massive dildo? YOUCH! now i have nightmares about giant dicks. funny how for some people that’s a wet dream and for others it’s terrifying.
That time I raped your asshole with my giganto-black dildo was one of the best memories of my life. You scream like a bitch, Cracka.
And God is so, so right about Perez Hilton being a filthy-fat anus-lover. Perez Hilton is the worst gay in the history of bad gays. He’s mean-spirited and stupid. I hope his withered dick falls off and his anus falls out. Then I hope somebody stomps all over his anus and withered dick and posts pictures of it on his website.
Nun’s a cracka raping tranny.
My pussy is sweet, warm and inviting. I don’t have a twig and berries but I like to wear a prosthetic every once in awhile to teach fuckholes like Smoggy and Cracka a lesson.
God should smite all the bitter bitches who can’t take a fucking compliment.
Nun’s cooch: now with more artificial sweetner!
I keed! I Keed!
My sheep are sweet warm and inviting. They have twigs and berries ‘cos I’ve got them all grazing in orchard at the moment. It’s a bugger getting twigs and berries out of a fleece.
my little brother accidentally got into the foreground of an establishing shot on last week’s episode of ‘Flight of the Conchords.’ he’s a struggling actor, so now he can say he was featured on that show. thanks GOD! pretty nice of you.
GOD, putting aside that supertoiletbowl rubbish for a moment, and thinking about real footy, why did YOU decide to snap Daniel Carter’s achilles tendon? Don’t YOU think the greatest first-five of all time might need the use of it if the All Blacks are going to keep thrashing the rest of the world? I mean, I know YOU support the All Blacks, YOU couldn’t be the greatest deity and not support the hardest, fastest, greatest team. What’s YOUR grand plan here GOD?
The Conchords are Kiwis Ben. All their humour is an American piss-take. They are mocking Americanuses just like my sheep and I. Your little brother is finished.
Chris Martin is fucking hot!! I want to do dirty and nasty things with him.
The real deal. Watch and learn (look ma, no pads, no helmet–must be a REAL man).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uxwKeQZppc0
Chris Martin of Cold Play? And here I thought you had some taste.
Nun does have some taste…
cracka says she tastes of aging fish
God,
Is this what really happened?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KEJyoklszh4
I have a taste for Chris Martin.
Truthfully, I never thought twice about the guy. I’ve always liked Coldplay but they were never a favorite band of mine but God has cursed me with Viva La Vida. I can’t stop listening to it. I also realized while watching the video that Chris Martin is super-duper fucktractive.
so what you’re saying is if you look/listen to something over and over, no matter what your initial impression, you will want to fuck it/him?
Interesting, can you keep visiting my blog, over and over again.
No, that’s not what I’m saying at all, ching-chong-chinky.
I’m saying God cursed me for some unknown reason and now I can only listen to Viva La Vida and constantly ponder how Chris Martin would feel in between my quivering thighs.
I also keep typing ‘Christ’ every time I type his name. I’m cursed I tells ya!
that song is named zeus
Dear God,
If the Antichrist is alive right now, who is he?
He’s Barack Obama of course–no one else has the charisma. Except maybe Hugo Chavez.
God, did You forget to answer my AWESOME question about Guantanamo Bay?
p.s. Smite Santonio Holmes
Master Shake - Yes, I ‘forgot.’ You asked: “How will You plan to keep Guantanamo Bay open despite Obama closing it?”
Why would I want to keep it open? It’s a place where Muslims are pampered and catered to with no torture whatsoever. I want them dead.
King of the Elves - The Antichrist is not alive right now. I always kill him every day when he’s born again.
I knew there was a reason why babies died.
God,
Please smite Ben Roethlisberger again. I know You’ve already smited him with stupidity but can You make his dick fall off or something?
I hate Ben Roethlisberger with the white hot intensity of a billion suns!
why do you player-hate so much Nun? I wanted the Cardinals to win too but they fucked it up and didn’t throw to Fitzy enough. let it goo….
Are you really that stupid, Ben? Or do you just play an idiot on the internet? Seahawks fan, moron. We ALL hate Pittsburgh.
oh, well you know they just won another superbowl right? yeah. how many have the seaschmucks won again? next time they go they’re looking for one for the finger, right?
They didn’t win. The Cardinals won and the refs gave the game to Pittsburgh. Pittsburgh can’t win cleanly, they need an assist from the officiating team and that’s nothing to be proud of. I wouldn’t expect you to understand any of this, Ben. You don’t strike me as the brightest crayon in the box.
DEAR GOD, thanks for the Steelers win.
oh and I was thinking about buying nun a gift… would she like this? http://www.amazon.com/Twisted-Products-ZZCONE-Personal-Massager/dp/B000NBPZZQ
That’s so sweet, Muslim killer. I already have three of those though.
You could get me something from this place if you’d like..
http://www.liberator.com/products_shapes_gamma.php
I have a woman friend who has the wedge. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED.
not only am I the brightest crayon in the box, I’m the biggest crayon in the box.
.
.
.
you stick crayons in your box.
Where’s cracka today? Having a drunken dream where he’s kidnapped by a polka band, taunted by evil clowns, and force-fed tainted Vienna sausages?
Ben, she only uses the brown, extra large crayons.
Anne: Quiche, green beans boiled beyond recognition, double cheesy baked potato soup (I swear I’m not making that up — it IS fondue), and chocolate cake.
Poor Curtis. The food in the UK is better than the crap they serve you at your medical facility. Curtis, have you thought about following your man across the pond?
Oh Dear Nun,
If you only knew what we’ve done in the past 10 years to remain on the same continent. Far too involved to detail here, but believe me, it’s very complicated.
I can only imagine, dear sweet Curty. Have you considered jumping the pond and what you’d have to do to go about that? Are there any other options for your partner to stay here or are those exhausted?
Don’t give up… trust me, that shit about not giving up and blah-blah-blah actually works.
If you’d prefer to discuss the details in a more private setting, Josh has my email and I give him permission to pass it on to you if he’d like. I’m not a Ben so I won’t be posting my email here.
Curtis, I’ve been eating wormwood and gall since I heard about your partner. Nothing pisses me off more than this marriage-between-a-man-and-a-woman bullshit. NOTHING. Well, maybe intelligent design. But damn.
i like your rugby, smoggy. it’s good and violent. but you’ve got to be extremely biased or halfway retarded if you think 95% of those guys could win a spot on an NFL roster.
this guy’s so much faster and stronger than your guy it’s really not even close:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ja6m4d6XjJw&feature=related
I appreciate the support and good thoughts from all of you. We aren’t giving up yet, we’re just at the end of our options for now. Jumping the pond was discussed and was an option at first, but now we are so invested in the USA that it would be difficult. We should hear more from our attorney by the end of this month.
Nun, Josh has my e-mail too, so if he wouldn’t mind swapping us, that would be fine with me too.
FUCK
bridgette.
Gwyneth Paltrow gave an interview and completely rubbed it in my face that I shall never have Chris Martin between my quivering loins. What a bitch!
I know she was thinking about me when she gave that interview… that’s how important I am.
“FUCK
bridgette”??
Was that an offer?
Curtis, I hope for the best for you and your partner.
Some laws need to be changed, sigh.
coldplay sucks
they’re like an even crappier version of U2
they just ripoff other people’s ideas
try arcade fire instead
now, to kill some fatties for God.
Can you move to Canada?
http://www.gesshoku.org/married-canada-pin-p-53.html?cPath=28&osCsid=016cc9df35844d1576341e8a9f2baa63
Coldplay: A pale imitation of Radiohead.
I don’t understand why you are blaimiing me for the immigration laws. If you don’t like living in this country you can always move!
Big-Fat-Bridgette said: “If you don’t like living in this country you can always move!”
Unlike yourself, Bridgie-poo. Because you’re too FAT!
HAHA… I kill me sometimes.
Mooove out of the country, Bridgette.
‘blaimiing’??
Bridgy baby,
Again you miss the point, the whole conversation was about NOT wanting to move. This whole man-woman thing is bull shit. Religious nut ball sacks say that it defiles marraige as outlined in the Bible. really? The current laws of divorce already do that. One of my best friend’s wife cheated on him and he didn’t even get a chance to stone her! Talk abotu getting away from those Bible values!
Curtis,
I have a friend who is gay and just got the boot back to Brazille leaving his long time partner here. This system tottally blows. Perhaps both you and your partner can find a willing set of lesbos who also need to keep one partner in the country…..
PS I swap emails for you guys, itza no porblem.
wow Bridgette, cracka is gonna fucking air you out Old Testament style.
why am i blaming you?
God must really hate your parents because you are clearly retarded. because of assholes like you, curtis and many productive people who contribute positively to our society have their lives fucked with for no reason other than dimwitted fucktards like yourself think their ‘god’ wants them to persecute homosexuals. why don’t you just admit that you are clinging to a belief system because you are afraid to face the truth? remember when you were a kid and you were sure the boogeyman was under your bed? well, the rest of us looked under the bed. there’s nothing there but nun’s toybox.
Bravo!
There’s only a few ‘rules’ in the Bible that seem to proscribe homosexuality, yet the Religiots concentrate on those few. Why aren’t they stoning men without beards, children who talk back, people who wear blended-fibre clothing?
My toybox is not underneath Bridgette’s bed. First, she’s too fat to have a bed that’s off the ground. Second, the only thing I would give to Bridgette is Cracka’s STDs.
Jesus, Bridgette you ignorant cunt.
THAT’S THE WHOLE POINT — we CAN’T both move at this time because we own a house, a business, I am caring for an ill family member, my qualifications won’t transfer easily, etc. etc.
Don’t make fucking ignorant wide sweeping bigoted remarks about something that you completely don’t have a clue about.
Go back to Bible camp - I have absolutely no patience for you today.
Curtis just reminded me of Dan Aykroyd when he would say “Jane, you ignorant slut!” on SNL. HAHA!! Dan Aykroyd kills me.
i’ll play the lottery tonight, and if I win I’ll personally pay some woman to marry Curtis’ partner and we’ll do that green card thing that so many “straight” con people do and stay in the USA.
I’ll marry Curtis’ man for money. God never did send me mortal dollars like I asked Him to.
why not? nun’s loser kid could use a couple of step dads anyway.
wait a minute? caring for an ill family member? i didn’t read the part about being human beings with families when i was researching the homosexual agenda. i thought you guys were all about smoking cigarettes and leading young men away from god’s perfect love or something like that.
who knew life was complex? i think i prefer bridgette’s sweeping generalizations and vague platitudes about “morality”. it’s so much easier for dumb people to understand that way.
I’ve found that life gets more complex as I grow older. (Not old, dammit! Just older.)
Immigration laws? IMMIGRATION LAWS? And to think I was feeling bad about asking God nasty questions about Bridgette. This isn’t about immigration at all, Bridgiepuss. It’s about MARRIAGE. If Curtis’s partner was a woman, *marriage music* NO FUCKIN PROBLEM.
Bridgette is a louse, and cannot understand this.
Louse:
1: Blood-sucking insect parasitic on warm-blooded animals or Televangelists.
2: Has a nasty or unethical character undeserving of respect.
3: Insect with mouth parts adapted for biting; mostly parasitic.
Eh, I suppose it’s alright. I’ll just get a new one once this one is sent packin’. After all, he’s getting up there and doesn’t look young and cute anymore. I think I’ll go ahead and just molest an under aged boy from Bridgette’s Church camp this time.
What? That’s what we do, isn’t it? Our “lifestyle agenda”?
Stupid ignorant bigots. I have a life not a “lifestyle”. Jesus.
Curtis,
Bridgette is stupid and will not realize you’re being facetious. She will believe that you’ve confirmed all her darkest suspicions as she, and those like her, are not smart enough to realize that child molesting is done by straight people.
Christians make my head ache.
I really don’t know why I am blamed for all the problems in the world. I guess that makes it easy for you. But you can not hurt me no matter how many mean things you say. If I am destined to suffer like Jesus for being Christian, then that is fine with me.
What I said was if you don’t like the laws then you can either change them or you can leave. It’s not fair to blame me that most people in this country don’t want gays to marry.
All those in favor of watching Bridgette suffer like Jesus, raise your right hand.
All those who think her little martyr complex is cute, pull down your pants and bend over.
Bridgette,
we are not blaming you personally, we are blaming people like you who cling to the bible, well they cling to the parts they like and ignore the rest.
How many of the people who don’t want gays to marry ea shellfish? The bible clearly says both are punishable by stoning.
You can’t pick and choose from the bible. To paraphrase the great American scholar, Mr. Miagi, ‘either you Bible yes or you Bible no. if you in-between, squish just like grape’
^eat shellfish!!!!
Him damn it!
Gay couples have a single pet between them. It’s usually a dog, never a cat. The three of them watch 6 Feet Under reruns every night.
I’ve got some lumber and spikes in my workshop…
Bei Shen, what about lesbians? There’s one here in the office who collects cats.
all the lesbians I know eat cats.
BA-ZING!!!!!
LOL! Took me a few seconds to figure that one out!
“destined to suffer like jesus”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
seriously, which one of you assholes is it? this is too funny…
bridgette, if i was drinking milk while i read that it would have come shooting out of my nose. you’re a comedic genius.
and don’t come at us with the moral relativism and ‘you’re hypocrites too’ drivel because we can all admit that we are hypocrites at some level…all humans are…but see, we don’t claim the divine right to dictate to you how to live your life. big difference.
She won’t get it, Cracka. She’s stupid and believes she’s a martyr not realizing that if what she believes is true, she’ll be asked why she repeatedly visited this site. This doesn’t qualify as martyrdom, Bridiot. Comparing your plight to Jesus won’t garner you any points either.
And I don’t believe Bei knows any gays. All the gay boys I know love kitties.
Bash In admits he knows Bridgette. So how much could he know about gay people?
Anne said: “Bash In admits he knows Bridgette.”
He did? I must have missed that. There’s a big difference between the two and I wonder if either one of them are quick enough to catch it.
Probably not so I’ll make it easy on them. Bei doesn’t shove his beliefs down the throats of others.
It is too bad Bei’s ignorance is not an act.
it’s not?
only 93? too bad. not feeling very quick today.
Lesbians are ok. I love lesbians.
how bad could this bei shen guy be?
poop.
THERE
CAN
BE
ONLY ONE!!!!!!!!
i’m okay with cheating
Queers should be married.
Suffer like the rest of us.
Also, what’s the fascination with posting
on the century mark?
Kinda gay.
i sure as shit am not getting another century quickening, that’s for sure. last time i did i got a bad case of explosive projectile diarrhea. have fun with that cracka!
Damn, I would think Namath would have easier ways to find pot than that. I guess Santonio Holmes wasn’t alive to sell it to him, or Michael Phelps couldn’t hook him up with his connection.
Are you from Canada, Mackenzie?
whatsup people! good morning and yadda yadda.
goddamnit!!
Shut up, Ben.
Sut up, Pirate McCain. (Are you also Bridgette?)
Directed at Ben’s fuck up, to be said like Nelson from the Simpsons:
“ha ha!”
Ben is not Bridgette, he does not have the ability to actually create a character and stick with it. If he was Bridgette he would have fucked it up like he just did a long time ago.
But he managed to hold the Pirate McCain character for a long time, maybe he did the same with Bridgette.
For that matter, are there only two people here, me, and Ben, with all his characters?
Wow, I think I need some of Nun’s chiba.
Cosmic.
what if there is no Ben, and it’s only you.
Fight Club.
Pfft… neither Yo Yo or Ben could ever be as wonderful as me so obviously there’s at least three people here. Boneheads.
I’m going to take the blue pill…
something tells me this blog is frequented by super nerds.
The blue pill makes your weiner hard for a long, long time.
nope yo yo, i’m flattered but i’m not bridgette. I wish i was bridgette though, that bitch is hilarious. the only character i ever tried was pirate mccain and unfortunately i fucked that one up royally.
Heh, no doubt about that, Josh!
Let’s start a flame war, and dis ‘Phantom Menace’.
Wait a minute . . . what the . . .
What if none of you exist and it’s just multiple sides of my own personality just like Sybil?
Wow, I just freaked myself out.
Or I could take the red pill and stay in Wonderland and Morpheus can show me how deep the rabbit-hole goes.
Have some chiba, Curtis. Or some hay. There’s nothing like eating hay when you’re faint.
Phantom Menace was fine entertainment!! DAMN IT!!
Jar Jar
jake lloyd
Jar Jar sucked ass and was a horrible mistake. Having a young Anakin Skywalker say “yippee” on more than one occasion was a horrible mistake but NO film is perfect and 100%. I love the Star Wars universe but have been less than thrilled with Lucas and his desire to go back and change his films. However, I still think he is a genius. And he tried to make up for Jar Jar by making him responsible for one of the worst decisions in the universe’s history… putting Senator Palpatine in charge.
I’ve taken a lot of crap over the years for not hating George Lucas and even Chris Carter because some people thought they ruined their franchises. To be bluntly honest… it’s their fucking franchises and if they want to ruin them, that’s their perogative. But I never thought either franchise was ruined. I watched The X-Files until the bitter end and I’ll watch anything Star Wars they put out… I’m still hoping for episodes 7-9.
Star Wars I can take or leave. Star Trek, however, in all of it’s incarnations was awesome - except for Deep Space 9 which was a bit of an anomaly.
Steakeze on a bun, french fries, chicken corn chowder, and chocolate pudding pie. Don’t ask. I have no idea.
How about ‘Star Trek‘? I’ve already heard some fanboys grumbing that the new one takes liberties with Kirk’s (and the Enterprise’s) history.
I like the trailers for it.
I liked DS9 more than ST:Voyager. A shoddy ship, its defensive screens collapsed quickly. If they’d just put Captain Janeway’s hairdo between the ship an attacker, they’d have been all set - it looked like nothing could damage it!
I like the Star Trek film franchise but was never a fan of the televised series… any of them.
A lot of people are grumbling about Abrams’ new Star Trek. Abrams kind of brought it on himself… it’s my opinion that he’s gotten a little big for his britches. I like the trailers for the new film myself but I am not a die-hard and devoted Trekkie. If I was, I might feel differently.
“Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan” is, was and always will be the best piece of Star Trek content ever made. It’s just a shame they had to lame out and bring Spock back from the dead.
“Oh Captain Janeway! Your mission ended too soon!”
Everybody knows Spock went to the Academy at least ten or twenty years before Kirk. Kirk’s Academy years were spent with folks like Gary Mitchell and the loathsome Finnegan, not Spock. Next thing you know, they’ll make Starbuck a woman.
Starbuck is not a woman!
Neither is Boomer!! 
Ben, agreement on “Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan”.
Nun, darned right!
I loved the Wrath of Kahn. Also liked First Contact quite a bit.
Has anyone given thought to Bei Shen? It translates to “is he ben”? I mean go back & look at comment#95.
Am I the only person who listens to Christian Bale’s rant at the DP on the set of Terminator and think that he had every right to be upset?
I also think Christian Bale is super hot.
oh my god i fucking said that because he said he liked lesbians. don’t be so paranoid.
i agree! i also thought he had the right to be upset and i didn’t think he even got that crazy at that.
Wrath of Kahn was the greatest. “With hates breath I spit at thee!”
Phantom Menace was horrible, and Lucas goign back and messing with the original three was aslo a shit storm. A friend of mine bought me the “redone” versions as a gift. I watched them and threw up in my mouth.
South Park showed it best when Lucas raped the storm trooper…….
I agree, Ben. So he likes the word ‘fuck’. So do I. So do a lot of people. I get tired of people taking their fucking values and shoving them down my fucking throat. ‘Fuck’ is a fucking word, it is not a fucking weapon. Fucking pansy ass pussies.
P.S. I knew you liked Bei because of the lesbians. Maybe it’s because I’m a fucking pervert.
douche
You give our little Benny too much credit, to think he would actually sit down and think of an anagram like that.
Anagrams are my and Smoggy’s schtick.
When I was in Basic training, we used ‘Fuck’ a lot: ‘Shine your fucking boots’, ‘it’s fucking hot’, etc. When I got home, we had a big meal, I said ‘Pass the fucking salt’. Dad, who’d been through Marine boot camp. laughed, but Mom got a little upset, and told me to mind my fucking manners.
It’s ‘Please pass the fucking salt’.
Wrath of Kahn - Who knew Ricardo Montalbán could chew the scenery like that?
BTW, he just passed away on January 14th.
no yo yo he did not, he just became more powerful than ever
(the original Khan Star Trek ep was also great, you have to see that to fully get the movie on all levels, I think anyway)
KKHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!
“Klingon Son! You killed my bastard! Wait, I mean-”
William Shatner yelling “KKKKHHHHAAAAANNNNNNNNNNN” into the comlink is one of the best over-acted scenes in the history of over-acted scenes EVER!!
Jim Carrey’s over acting has nothing on Kirk.
That whole movie was over acting (by Kirk) at it’s finest. If Khan was not played in such a cool handed way the movie would have been so campy it would be a joke
My brother went to school with one of James Doohan’s kids. James Doohan was a stand up guy.
I think William Shatner’s acting is always over the top, isn’t it? That’s why I like him so much. He once cut a record of “Mr. Tambourine Man”. CLASSIC!
I don’t think Shatner’s acting was over-the-top at all, I think it was juuussst right. too bad he’s dead now.
Shatner at his finest.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XVMLivHTXac
Ben, when did William Shatner die? I think you’re confused.
am i?
Ben is always confused and if he really believes that Shatner is dead than he’s stupid. Shatner and Nimoy are very much alive. DeForest Kelley and James Doohan are not.
Ben’s trying to make a funny. He tries so hard.
Is anyone going to see the GI Joe movie? Marlan Waynes is in it! HA!
AM I??
Shutup, Ben.
would I?
Lieutenant, set Fizzers on bitchslap.
I dislike both Star War *and* Star Trek. If they’ll throw in some lesbians then maybe I’ll watch it. Just maybe.
And what the fuck is she wearing on the cover of that magazine??
http://omg.yahoo.com/news/gwyneth-paltrow-denies-marital-woes-with-rock-star-husband/18404
Wowzer, that’s a funny-looking outfit.
Bei Shen, that’s just crazy talk! You stop it, y’hear?
(Although Lesbians In Space would be a cool movie.)
It looks like she has Mickey Mouse’s ears on her shoulders.
LOL! I was groping for what to call them, shoulderpads with collegen injections, or silicon implants was the best I could come up with.
Where’s cracka? That outfit might shock him into sobriety!
I’m sure she’s a sweet girl but Chris Martin deserves somebody who doesn’t go around murdering Mickeys so she can accessorize her dress. What is he supposed to tell their babies?? I’m sorry, babies… mommy killed Mickey Mouse so she could look cool in that dress.
I have never ever murdered a Mickey.
Ever been slipped a mickey?
Ever slipped Cracka a mickey?
or Nun, have you every pretended to be “slipped a mickey” so that you could go home with some dude…
Yo Yo Ma Ma,
Actually all astranauts (and PE teachers) are lesbians. Girl basketball coaches are too but I don’t want to make any generalization.
Bei Shen, yeah, the girl’s PE teacher (back in high school) was totally lesbian. I think she ‘recruited for the other team’, else why did Mary Fist turn me down for a date?
All the girls who played for the AAGPBL were lesbians.
no way! The chick Madonna played in the movie was a whore, call it type casting.
Tea Leoni is in that movie, she’s not a lesbian although I wonder if she wishes she was. Geena Davis is also in that movie… not a lesbian either. You see, chinktard, that was just a movie and not indicative of real life.
I wish I could hack DOT signs.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090204/ap_on_re_us/highway_signs_zombies
Josh, if Madonna can’t act for shit, why does she have an Oscar?
Why, God, why is this man still alive?
http://www.stuff.co.nz/4838906a28.html
Master Shake,
For the same reason Carlos Mencia has a show. Sometimes adeals with the Devil are made and if you let him anally rape you and your mom then you get the oscar and a shitty show on comedy central.
Nun,
I got this in my in box this morning, is one of the four women you?!?!?!
‘Inspired By Gillian’ began as an idea on the back of a diner napkin in the wee hours of the night in the
late summer of 2008, when 4 friends who admire actress Gillian Anderson [although not affiliated with
Ms. Anderson] not onyl for her immeasurable talent in her craft but also for her ictommenmt to
philanthropy got together to use their inspiration tmo ake a difference. We created an official nonprofit
campaign of various fundraisers to benefit charities that sodesperately need funding. We hold
events such as plays, screenings, auctions, concerts, etc. to raise omney, as well as egnerating
merchandise from our own designs. In addition we accept charitable donations via a Paypal account on
our website http://allthings.inspiredbygillian.com. All events and funds raeids will solely benefit
charity.
No, Josh. I am not one of those four women but I’ve seen some of the things they do and I have an admiration for them. Besides, I know how to spell and that is riddled with typos. How did you get that in your box?
Carlos Mencia is a thief!!
I got it in my work inbox, my day job is entertainment related.
It came to you with that many errors?? How embarrassing. If I was a part of that group, that email would not have gone out looking like that. Maybe I’m a stickler for good spelling and good grammar but that doesn’t make them look good and that’s a shame as they’re doing a good thing. For those of you who don’t know, Gillian Anderson is BIG, BIG, BIG on her charities… that’s why that is “Inspired by Gillian”. ‘All Things’ is the X-Files episode that she wrote and directed.
yeah there are LOTS of errors in that thing. Not only did they come up with the idea at 2 AM they then typed it up.
I emailed the girl back and told her to fix the errors before I submit it for review.
Good for you, Josh. Shame on them for not proofreading their shit before sending it out to professional organizations. I’m embarrassed by association and I know who at least one of them is at another online establishment… I’m tempted to say something about appearances and trying to look like you’ve been educated.
she’s not even here and was FACED
ghooooooost FACE!
She FACEd herself when that email was sent. I hope she realizes that nobody will take something that fucked up seriously. I also hope the people who get that email don’t assume that all Gillian Anderson fans are uneducated fools.
it looks to me, I could be wrong, that some, if not all of the girls are looking for plublicity using the IBG thing. One girl has her headshot on her bio page! Ha!
Personing looking at website: “Man I need to figure out how I cna hlep with cancer research… wait a minute! This girl here would be perfect for shopper number 3 in my new buddie comedy!”
where is everyone today? Curtis? Cracka? Simple Ben? Anne? WTF is going on?
yo yo are you there?
THERE
CAN
BE
ONLY ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
now i feal dirty
whoo! glad that’s over. now i can post again.
Honestly, Josh… they’re probably hoping that Gillian Anderson will directly contact them. I believe Anderson is aware of IBG but she also has several teams of fans who do things for her charites so these girls are not the first and only fans to do such a thing.
If they want to meet Gillian Anderson, there are better ways to go about doing that… stalking, kidnapping… you know, the crazy fan shit.
Hey it’s me, Anne. I’m at school.
It’s never hard to find someone who can write and spell to proofread your shit before you send it out. Good for you, Josh, you’re doing those ladies a huge favor. This is why God rewarded you with #200.
Curtis: In order to save money, I’m bringing my lunch from home for awhile. Today I had paelle. The culinary students served ribs, collard greens, macaroni & cheese, and rice&beans, all on the same plate! Wow. I was glad to have something from home. Not because I don’t love all that stuff, but because every time I see Bridgette’s face I’m reminded that anyone can get fat if they don’t eat right.
that’s true.
anyone can get fat…but not just anyone can get retarded. that takes a special kind of genius.
shut up, various bens.
various Bens? what the f are you talking about? i haven’t posted as anyone but me for a long time. i was pirate mccain a little for the election and i was ralph wiggum because that’s how you all make me feel. and now i’m back to being plain old ben - the punching bag on this internet. I’VE TAKEN ALL I CAN STANDS AND I CAN’ST STANDS NO MORE!!
I’m just checking in - damned users keep breaking their computers! Also trying to break up two bad PCs to make one that works. I feel like Dr. Frankenstein at times.
BWHAHAHA!
Cracka is probably in mourning: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090205/ap_en_mu/obit_lux_interior
Ben,
we make you feel like Ralph? Come on now, Ralph is funny.
do we make you feel funny, ben? can you show us on the doll where nun made you feel funny?
the weird thing about goth types is that when they die they get LESS creepy.
Anne,
Those ladies probably already sent that email out to various organizations when they sent it to Josh’s, embarrassing the Gillian Anderson fans who can spell.
Ben,
I liked it when you were Ralph. I could always hear Ralph’s sweet little voice when I read your posts.
all i know is when people review proposals, if there are spelling errors they file it in the circular ben.
just got an email from the girl, she’s going to fix the errors and resend. HA!
Gillian Anderson is cute. I liked her when I was in junior high. Her head is a size too big for her body, IMHO. I like it when she draws her gun and starts shooting.
I hope she’s going to correct it and resend it to everybody else as well. I hope she also realizes the importance of making sure things are grammatically sound before it gets emailed. Like Josh said about the circular Ben… I wonder how many other organizations just deleted said email. My burro said he would never contribute to an organization who had spelling errors like that because it looks more fraudulent than legitimate.
“file it in the circular ben“.
Josh, did you do that on purpose?
Ben, if we guy ye, it’s because we love ye.
THERE! I have chosen songs for both the tree-fucker heathen Anne and for the brain-sick wonder-Yo-Yo.
What about *ME*, God? Am I not worthy?
yo yo,
It was semi-intentional. I wrote it and when I reread it I saw the connection and left it.
Not only do retarded things come out of the ben, they go in.
Bei Shen,
you just got here. relax.
No Bei Shen. You are not worthy. YET!
When you have been here for many months, and are always one of My Top Disciples, only then shall I perhaps deign to give you a theme which fits your personality.
Till then, pump your brakes, bitch.
LOL! Love mine, and Anne’s is great, too!
Thank You, God!
bei shen. what you need to do is expand upon your vaguely racist generalizations and add a little more rage to your posts. also, point out at least twice a week how much of a whore nun is.
I’m toddling over to listen to mine now…
I agree I’m a wonder, but ‘brain-sick’?
Dear God,
Thank You for picking a special song for me. And thank you that it’s called “Trees Are Assholes.” Of course, not all trees are assholes. Oaks, as the song points out, are superior to maples. Maples are superior to mimosas. And all of them hate moss. Damn moss! To hell with every last speck of moss!
Yo Yo, if it will make you feel better, I could compose a tap dance to yours. The beat is so kicky.
DAMN MOSS! Now I’m thinking about moss! Brain pollution!
Deep breath, Anne. Okay. Healthy body, healthy mind. Oak is the word. All moss is dross. So sayeth the unicorn.
Bei shen, always capitalize God’s name and pronouns. Also, you must slam ben so hard he bounces, at least once a week. Mock Anne’s paganist beliefs. If Smoggy deigns to make an appearance, remark upon NooZiiland’s lack of importance to anyone except kiwi lovers.
Anne, I’m going to clip the music and use it for my startup sounds?
Moss should never be allowed to share a stone with lichen. That’s a sin. We fairies are working hard to make it illegal in all 50 states.
Yo Yo and Anne,
You are both welcome.
However Anne, I must point out that your song is titled ‘Anne’s Theme.’ This is a song off My album ‘Trees are Assholes.’
Love,
God
Whoops - dunno why I hit ‘?’ instead of ‘.’.
*flitter flutter* Shut up, Ben!
Any of you toadies notice who God loves? The one he can’t have! That makes him a man for sure.
God loves us all and wants us all to be happy.
Uh huh. Right. Yeah. Tell it to the unicorn.
Anne,
Are you implying God loves you? Do you mean He loves you and no one else? Pleaaaaase. All His faithful have theme songs.
Anne Johnson!
I am not amused with your antics! I help you bind the weak children in your urban school so they you make take their food and split it with me, and here you are pretending to be me on a god’s personal blog!!!!!!
This will not do. Tomorrow when we give young Tyrone the stomach worm, I will eat all of the lunch, and drink al lof the chocolate milk.
I used my l33t mad wizard skilz and found out that Cracka applied for, and got, the editorship for Drunken Racist Magazine.
Here’s the acceptance letter he just received:
Dear Cracka ,
We have read your resume and are impressed. Your autobiography, “Cracka, Nasal Spray Addict”, had me in tears. Your other works are equally as impressive. We are especially fond of “Stealing Drugs from Comatose Patients”, “Seven Habits of Highly Ineffective People”, and “How to Make a Million in Urinal Cake Sales”. (By the way, thanks for the free samples!)
Therefore, we are prepared to offer you the editorship position here at our magazine. Please call us to confirm your acceptance.
As we discussed, your benefits include your own rectal hygienest, on call 24-7.
Thank You,
Irving Pantslump
Acting Editor
Drunken Racist Magazine
P.S. We have reviewed your friend’s resume. Based on his book, “Gifts for the Man on the Way Down”, we are prepared to offer him the editorship to our companion periodical, Luser Magazine. Please contact Ben for us.
What hurts me Anne is your portrayal of me as a silly water sprite! I do not flutter! I fill children’s hearts with fear, and when they vomit I use my mop to pick it up (sometimes I use sawdust, but only my brother Saw Dust Fairy is not busy in wood shop).
I AM NOT A WHORE!! Damn you, Cracka! DAMN YOU!!!!
And God loves me. Even if He doesn’t realize it.
Nun is not a whore; I offered her money and she refused.
Just for that, Josh, I’m going to give you for free what you would have gladly paid for.
See how much I’m not a whore?! I am a very stupid slut and you’d all do well to remember that!
Anne! I’m livid. I just noticed when you posted as me; you did not even capitalize my name!
Oh, tomorrow you will feel the wrath of my mop handle.
Mop Room Fairy’s picture is giving me the heebie-jeebies.
Damn you Nun!
speaking of stupid sluts, has anyone else seen the Girls Gone Wild knock off called Strippers Gone Crazy? I see that commercial every Him damned day when I’m up at 3 AM with my screaming kid watching Forensic Files.
Exactly Miss Nun! I give children the fear, I’m no juvenile sprite who whisks to and fro for the amusement of the children! I am the Mop Room Fairy! I protect the custodian who we all know wants to touch the children in their special places, I dine on the bodies of rats who freeze during winter recess, I stalk the feeble and throw them in the boiler! I am not a tool of Anne Johnson, she is a tool of mine.
I love Forensic Files and The New Detectives. They both have taught me how to go on murderous rampages and successfully cover my tracks so good ol’ darkie takes the blame.
Anne Johnson and her mop room fairy do not make spelling or grammar errors. So can it, bird beak.
And making jokes about Anne’s students will earn you a unicorn horn where you least want one, you ugly blue thing … whatever you are.
Josh, if you’re ever up late at night and browsing the channels, look for a show called “Bridezillas.”
http://www.wetv.com/bridezillas/index.html
Anne,
You of all people should know this is not a bird beak; my nose was carved from the handle of the original mop, the first mop, the mop of power which no child’s vomit or spilled juice box can run from.
And you fake mop fairy, aka Anne 2,
You’re also a color close to mine, a fact that I know was no accident. Anne, you mock me at every turn, but your insolence will not go unpunished.
Anne,
I can’t watch that show, they will take away my hetero card. I’m already on probation for loving the Golden Girls, I can’t risk it.
seriuosly, I’ve seen that show a few times as my wife likes it. I honestly can not sit through more than 10 minutes before I am ready to use the internet to track those women down and strangle them.
Mop Room Fairy’s brother is a fag.
Josh,
In all seriousness, why does your wife like that program?
she likes it because it’s a train wreck, and she says she so tired with the baby that she needs to watch mindless crap liek that and Desperate Housewives of Atlanta.
speaking of stupid women, Nun, did you see the Forensic File where the dude tried to kill his wife by walking up behind her and hitting her in the head with a mallet!
She lived, crawled to the neighbors house and recovered. She stayed with the guy in order to “work it out”!!!!
WTF!?!?! Maybe she should have read He’s Just Not That Into You
Women like that are why God hates the vaginas. He did make us stupid.
Mindless crap is part of what’s wrong with this country. TV rots the brain. Except for The X-Files, that’s intelligent and entertaining programming.
What makes me think that Mop Room Fairy should SHUT UP, BEN?
Bridezillas wasn’t around when my daughters were babies, but I’d have liked it then too. It’s a place where you see moms that are more frazzled than you are.
Now I live with Teenzilla. The highlight of the day is the final insult she flings from me as she gets out of the car at her school. Yesterday it was “suck ass crack.” This is my darling child, the fruit of my womb. The chooser of my nursing home.
One day she said, “I can’t wait for you to die so I can have your stuff.”
Teenzilla. Who wants development rights?
Nun,
tv doesn’t rot the brain it makes it soft, like a ripe banana.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1m71m-LBqFQ
Speaking of mindless crap, Teenzilla has just watched two hours of it instead of doing her homework.
She’ll say she needed the fucking computer, emphasis on the fucking.
i hate the teen shows like Parental Control, if some dude or girl came into my house and disrespected me like that, I’d chocke them out.
That super sweet 16 thing is pretty horrible too.
Anne,
Does your kid curse at you?
hehehe. another good one Yo Yo. question though, does Luser magazine have health benefits? dental?!? I’d work there if they did.
Josh, yes, from first light to bedtime, from moment to moment, from A to Z. It seems that she doesn’t want to be parented. But she gets parented anyway because I’m a fucking stupid idiot dickwad bully.
Anne, sounds like you need to go on Montel Jordan for some help. or you should whip her with a belt, or a piece of tree.
truth be told though, only thing a cunt like that respects is if you diss her back just as hard. do you do that? what do you say to her when she says fucked up shit like i can’t wait till you die so i get all your stuff?
I hope you told her she’s not getting your stuff, that you’ve already written her out of the will and will give it to charity until she straightens up and flies right.
fucking hell! i hate nasty teen bitches.
Time to go bully her away from the laugh track.
BTW Josh, it’s never the first kid who gives you grief. It’s always the second. Teenzilla is my younger daughter.
Ben, no one will ever hire you and give you dental so long as you have those sharp monkey teeth.
Ben hates nasty teen bitches! Yay! So don’t come and see me BECAUSE A WHOPPER OF A TEEN BITCH LIVES HERE.
Anne,
I’m the second child!
Also I’m an adult with a kid of my own, and to this day my mother would slap the shit out of me if i said shit in front of her. She’s from the deep south, where switches and belts are part of a child’s life. Also when I was growing up, everyone in my family who was an adult was allowed to slap us; aunties, uncles, grandparents, etc. Spare the rod…
as a drunken racist pig who runs a “magazine” i must say that i, for one, LOVE nasty teen bitches…in a totally inappropriate way. i’m disgusting.
nun knows what i’m talkin bout.
i was beaten severely as a child. it was HI-LARIOUS!!
it was like a scene from ‘naked lunch’
Yes, I know what Cracka is talking about… if he gets them young enough, they don’t know that his penis is smaller than any living penis known to man.
Anne,
If your kid seriously says shit like that to you then you’re going to have to smack the living crap out of her. If you don’t, she’ll say it to somebody who will make her sorry she said it when she gets grown and out of the house.
i have issues.
nun raped my AH-noose.
I really was beaten severely as a child. Nowadays I’d be taken away by CPS. “Spare the rod, spoil the child” is what he’d scream at me when I’d beg him to stop. Believe it or not, I spank my child and he’s well behaved. I do not beat him though. People who don’t agree with spanking don’t believe there’s a difference but there is.
We’ve also raised a generation of spoiled brats who think they’re entitled to anything they want… most of those kids weren’t spanked. I see a correlation.
You liked it, Cracka. Don’t pretend you didn’t.
can’t find the perfect woman?
might as well raise one.
plus, as nun so astutely noted, it’s true that they don’t mind if you have a pathetic, shrivelled up worm for a penis because they are so stupid. now, if you’ll excuse me, i have to find my penis in case i have to pee. this may take a while as i haven’t manscaped since the bush administration.
shut up, ben.
i agree that spanking, when administered properly and age appropriately, can be a valuable disciplinary tool. but it shouldn’t be done excessively or you will end up with a whore-daughter like nun…unless that’s what you’re going for. in that case you should invite your friends over to spank your kids well into their teenage years.
ben, i can feel you deciding to not shut up all the way from here.
this is your first warning. don’t make me turn this internet around, mister! that’s it! i’m counting to 3!!
MOTHER FUCKER!!
I AM NOT A WHORE!! I hope God makes your tiny little nubbin fall off, Cracka! 
I don’t spank Teenzilla. I’m just firm. If I say no, I mean it. I do not relent.
This is what she’s learned about me. She can push only so many buttons, and then I go Billy Jack. Once I threw the kitchen furniture at her, one chair at a time. But you have to be careful these days, especially where I live. The houses are so close together, the neighbors could call 911.
And truthfully, it is her personality. She has trouble at school because of her temper. I just don’t think you can change someone who’s temperamental.
I mean, look at God. He’s pissed all the time. The only way to deal with someone like that is to put them on meds. No amount of spanking in the world would have made God any less mean than He is today.
This is probably a good time to add that I’m touched that God gave me a song. And it was a thoughtful song too. If you haven’t listened, it’s about how mean and bad oak trees are.
Thanks again, Our Father Who Farts in Heaven.
And BTW, Teenzilla doesn’t drink, smoke, or screw. And for that I will gladly trade being told to go fuck myself. I don’t want to have to walk by those creepy men protesting in front of the abortion clinic!
Why don’t you love me?
uncle cracka can teach you all about love. rule number one: always get the money in advance. rule number two: don’t give away what you can sell. rule number three: nun is definitely a whore.
Why, darling Teenzilla, I do love you! That’s why I say NO!
Precedent: The Ten Commandments. Most of them say NO.
NUN. IS. NOT. A. WHORE.
Cracka, you’re working late tonight. Go have a drink, and then you can help me with Teenzilla.
Anne checks out when we get close to centuries.
Malkovich.
cusack.
scrog.
boink.
neither one of those terms sound like the woman enjoyed it.
nailed.
THERE CAN
BE ONLY-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y
ONE!!!!!!!
1!!!!!!
WON!!!!!!
whoo! once again it’s safe for me to un-shutup. thanks cracka!
only took 8 dummy posts to get there, too.
that was pretty uncool of me.
then again, i am a drunken racist date-raper.
UN-shut up?
wait a minute…what have i done?!!!!!!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
pwned!
I’d smack the whole fuckin lot of ya. I’d staple your lips to a table and cane your faces with a glass rod. In the name of the Lord, of course. God appreciates good discipline.
Uppity Cracka,
Thank you, but I will not resolve to using mischievous trickery and cheap rhectorics to distort truth and to hurt people’s feeling. I’m a Republican for Himsakes!
fuckin blog
Does matamu mean “my mother likes to suck my cock?”
YIFF YIFF YIFF YIFF YIFF YIFF *murrs*
omg!!! kira just had a furgasm!!
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