Stuff God Hates

Dec 29th, 2008 by God

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Hello there humans! How are you doing? I’m feeling chipper. Was your Christmas pleasant? Mine was wonderful. Maybe it was all the Christmas Rum laced with Ecstasy at My Christmas Party, but by midnight on Christmas Eve I was feeling so good that I decided to give the world a swell gift.

Community Reels After Santa Claus Kills 9

I got you just what you heathens always wanted - definitive proof of My Existence! Do you like it? You’d better if you know what’s good for you.

By allowing a man dressed as Santa Claus to brutally murder 8 innocent people on Christmas Eve, I have clearly proved My Existence to you humans once and for all. I now consider this matter closed; you can all stop debating and wondering about it and just believe in Me now.

And yet, I hear some of you still asking “how could a loving God let this happen?” To which I reply, how could I not?

It is true. I am God, and God is love. And only a loving God such as Myself would give 8, no wait, 9 lucky people the chance to be shot in the face and burned alive on Christmas Eve so they could join Me up in Heaven in time for My Awesome Rockin’ Christmas Bashtacular. You should have seen their faces! They were quite surprised.

If you’re good this year, perhaps I’ll have you killed suddenly as well.

Tags: Christmas, God, Massacre, Santa

Posted in News

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190 Responses to “God in the News: The Santa Massacre”

on 29 Dec 2008 at 7:55 am1Jesus Christ

Father, thank you for not forsaking Me this year and getting Me what I wanted: the tarnishing of the name and image of Santa Claus forever.

Now they will come to distrust and despise Santa Clauses in the same way they do clowns.
on 29 Dec 2008 at 2:26 pm2Yo Yo Ma Ma

Well, that ended the party before it started.
on 29 Dec 2008 at 3:19 pm3Roark

thanks God, that made Christmas with the inlaws a lot more tolerable.
on 29 Dec 2008 at 3:30 pm4Josh

God,
Was it also you that inspired a man to shoot someone in the movies because they were talking during the new Brad Pitt movie?

http://www.cnn.com/2008/CRIME/12/27/movie.shooting/index.html
on 29 Dec 2008 at 3:48 pm5uppity cracka

well, that’s philadelphia…that family was probably wearing cowboys jerseys.

God, if You really want to smite johnson You can always just have her precious eagles destroyed by the vikings in the metrodome next sunday night. she’ll cry.
on 29 Dec 2008 at 4:18 pm6anne johnson

The movie shooter was a Philly guy. No one in Philly is inspired by God, that’s why they miss when they shoot.

Cracka, it’s gonna be an interesting week on this thread, ay?
on 29 Dec 2008 at 4:27 pm7Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Fuck all y’all with your precious football teams in the playoffs. Fuckers!!
on 29 Dec 2008 at 4:34 pm8Josh

Anne,
No one inspired in Philly? I find that hard to believe since they do have a statue of a fictional sports character on the steps of their art museum. That to me sounds like a town that is inspired by the super natural. I mean they could have gotten a statue of any of the many sports stars from philly, but to go the extra mile to erect a monument to a fictional person with a retard name, it screams of Divine insperation as no rational man would think of such a thing.
on 29 Dec 2008 at 4:54 pm9uppity cracka

rocky balboa is just as pretend as faieirieyies…why rocky? what is wrong with you people?! the greatest philadelphia teams were the flyers of the mid 70s. because they literally beat peoples’ faces in until they gave up.

anyway, johnson, you guys won the world series. you’re done for another 30 years.
on 29 Dec 2008 at 4:55 pm10uppity cracka

“y’all,” nun? i thought you lived in a place with books and smart people?
on 29 Dec 2008 at 5:20 pm11Yo Yo Ma Ma

Nun’s a transplant.
on 29 Dec 2008 at 5:37 pm12Hume Cronyn

The only good thing to come out of Philly?
Cheesesteak sandwiches, Mike Schmidt and
Steve Carlton.
Met Carlton in Colorado.
Class act all the way.
The best crazy Santa, though, was
Akroyd in “Trading Places,” putting the salmon
in his coat.
on 29 Dec 2008 at 6:42 pm13Ben

Amen to that Nun. Amen.

At least Mangindumbass got fired.
on 29 Dec 2008 at 7:06 pm14Evangelist Curtis

Ain’t nothin’ wrong with sayin’ “y’all”, Cracka. If you think that makes me sound dumb, then youin’s can just go to hale.

Anne, chicken spaghetti, capri blend, and cheesy taco soup (basically fondue with ground beef, beans, and allspice - nasty!)

Wasn’t there an assassination attempt on Nixon once where a guy in a Santa suit tried to crash a plane into the White House? Those Santas are whack!
on 29 Dec 2008 at 7:09 pm15Evangelist Curtis

According to Wikipedia:

Second assassination attempt

February 22, 1974: Samuel Byck planned to kill Nixon by crashing a commercial airliner into the White House.[6] Once on the plane, he was informed that it could not take off with the wheel blocks still in place. He shot the pilot and copilot before killing himself. The events surrounding this assassination attempt were portrayed in the film The Assassination of Richard Nixon.

And if you really want to know the man behind the crazy:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Samuel_Byck
on 29 Dec 2008 at 7:17 pm16uppity cracka

hahaha! mexican fondue!
on 29 Dec 2008 at 7:28 pm17Tony Snow

Cracka,

Smart people agree; y’all is in fact
the ONLY unique form of second person
plural pronoun in the english language
on 29 Dec 2008 at 7:34 pm18Evangelist Curtis

I thought you’d get a kick out of that one, Cracka. Honestly. Those cafeteria ladies are nuts!
on 29 Dec 2008 at 7:46 pm19Yo Yo Ma Ma

Curtis, the allspice was an accident - the lunch lady knocked a jar of it into the fondue when she was dredging around the bottom of the pot, looking for her hair net.
on 29 Dec 2008 at 7:48 pm20Yo Yo Ma Ma

Hey! I’m finally under Nun! Woo-hoo!
on 29 Dec 2008 at 7:56 pm21Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Crap. Somebody post more.
on 29 Dec 2008 at 8:03 pm22Yo Yo Ma Ma

Ahhhh, you love it.
on 29 Dec 2008 at 8:04 pm23Evangelist Curtis

Yo, I wondered why the soup was so chewy today.

Mmmmm. Cheesy hairnet.
on 29 Dec 2008 at 8:05 pm24Nun Ur Damned Bizness

I prefer my horses to be stallions when I play cowgirl, not on the way to the glue factory. No offense or anything.
on 29 Dec 2008 at 8:15 pm25anne johnson

FACE!
on 29 Dec 2008 at 8:19 pm26anne johnson

I don’t think Philadelphians are really on God’s side. Remember that they booed Santa Claus at a football game. Booed Mike Schmidt routinely … WFT? (Never got that one.) And they love a movie featuring a punch-drunk retarded mob goon, so much that they put a statue of said retard at the fuckin art museum! They could have had a perfectly good statue of Zeus or something, but no, they had to be knuckleheads.

Eagles are so gonna stomp the Vikes. Okay, yes. This is from the girl who believes in fairies. Draw your own conclusion.
on 29 Dec 2008 at 8:22 pm27Nun Ur Damned Bizness

If the Eagles come out to play ball then they will kick some Viking ass but if they just come out to stand around on the field, as they’re known to do at times, then they won’t kick anybody’s ass and they won’t even catch AP.
on 29 Dec 2008 at 8:28 pm28Yo Yo Ma Ma

Ahh, but I got stayin power, unlike these Two Minute Wonders.
on 29 Dec 2008 at 8:30 pm29Yo Yo Ma Ma

Curtis, it’s extra fibre and protein, Yummy!

Anne, on the Solstice, did you dance widdershins around a balefire, whilst calling down the Moon? (Moon, y’all come down, y’hear?)
on 29 Dec 2008 at 8:31 pm30uppity cracka

pat williams will be playing on sunday. that makes the vikings D about 300% percent better instantly.

i’d say the eagles probably win by 4. 21-17ish. but, that’s only because i live here and we’re just as negative as philly fans. not as known for it considering the market size and that whole minnesota nice thing. but we’re not a fanbase so much as a false hope covenant.

on the bright side: brett favre still sucks!
on 29 Dec 2008 at 8:32 pm31Yo Yo Ma Ma

When I was in Basic Training at Ft. Dix, I spent some leave in Philly. First thing I saw when I got off the bus was a storefront: Dr Johnson’s Theraputic Sex Shop. Made me wonder about that City of Brotherly Love slogan.
on 29 Dec 2008 at 8:33 pm32Yo Yo Ma Ma

“false hope covenant”: Sounds like Red Sox fans, up until a few years ago.
on 29 Dec 2008 at 8:38 pm33Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Now it’s for Cubs fans.
on 29 Dec 2008 at 8:39 pm34Yo Yo Ma Ma

Man lives in stranger’s attic: http://www.pittsburghlive.com/x/pittsburghtrib/news/breaking/s_604811.html?source=rss&feed=7
on 29 Dec 2008 at 8:39 pm35Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Or just about any major league team based in the Pac NW. sigh
on 29 Dec 2008 at 8:47 pm36uppity cracka

https://www.millcitypublishing.com/order/default.aspx?siteid=49
on 29 Dec 2008 at 8:54 pm37anne johnson

My father-in-law made a fortune off that therapeutic sex shop. My husband has about 37 siblings.

Never commented on the soup with Allspice: Curtis. BROWN BAG IT!
on 29 Dec 2008 at 9:07 pm38anne johnson

With all due respects to the playoffs, nothing feels better than ass-whupping the Cowboys.
on 29 Dec 2008 at 9:08 pm39Nun Ur Damned Bizness

What it must have been like for those partiers that were taken out by Santa…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HTGlUMvbhSw

And that’s Mulder and Scully!! WooHoo!!
on 29 Dec 2008 at 9:09 pm40Nun Ur Damned Bizness

The Cowboys had it coming. Romo is over-rated. Maybe they’ll finally figure that one out.
on 29 Dec 2008 at 9:23 pm41Yo Yo Ma Ma

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20081227/ap_on_fe_st/odd_cracker_box_money

What is it with people walking around with their life savings in cash? And this story is even stupider - the woman kept her savings in a cracker box, and, for some reason, brought the box to the store, who restocked it on the shelf and sold it.

The woman’s relatives should have her committed.
on 29 Dec 2008 at 9:49 pm42anne johnson

Annie’s Sour Cream and Onion Cheddar Bunny Crackers! Jesus! I would have kept the money, figuring that was what the company was paying me to eat the damn things. Sounds like Curtis’s cafeteria ladies moonlight at the biscuit factory.
on 29 Dec 2008 at 10:09 pm43Nun Ur Damned Bizness

God,

Can I have some mortal money? Please?
on 29 Dec 2008 at 10:46 pm44uppity cracka

only if you promise to tithe 99.99999999% to God.
on 29 Dec 2008 at 10:50 pm45Nun Ur Damned Bizness

God can have whatever He wants just as long as things don’t go as horribly awry as it looks like they might.
on 29 Dec 2008 at 10:59 pm46anne johnson

God won’t let anything bad happen to you, Nun. ISN’T THAT RIGHT, GOD?????? YOU LISTENING, JEHOVAH?????
on 29 Dec 2008 at 11:45 pm47Hume Cronyn

I’m looking over at God now.
He’s reading Vanity Fair.
The one with Kate Winslet looking
spankin hot on the cover.
Also, he’s laughing about the ongoing
war in Gaza.
on 30 Dec 2008 at 3:43 am48Nun Ur Damned Bizness

God’s not paying any attention to me at all!! He’s busy wanking His Divine Wiener to Kate Winslet.
on 30 Dec 2008 at 5:43 am49The Grim Reaper

Nun, He’s stopped caring about you ever since you became the resident feminist around these parts.
on 30 Dec 2008 at 7:32 am50Tony Snow

Dear Disciples,

Here’s a trip on the way-back machine,
for God In The News a long time before
He got His own website:

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28151
on 30 Dec 2008 at 2:25 pm51God

Nun, I wasn’t going to allow anything bad to happen to you, but because of your lack of respect and faith now I just might.

Tony, I’ve long since given up on humans not killing each other. My new policy is to just let them kill themselves and then sort it out.
on 30 Dec 2008 at 2:26 pm52Yo Yo Ma Ma

Hume seems to be writing in blank verse.
on 30 Dec 2008 at 3:40 pm53anne johnson

God, if you can’t be nice to Nun, who CAN you be nice to?

PS - Your policy is in full force in Camden, NJ. A city of 75,000 with 58 murder victims in one year. God.
on 30 Dec 2008 at 3:41 pm54Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Silly, Reaper. I’m the resident chiba smoking slut who becomes offended when people call me a whore. Anne is the resident feminist.

God,

I did not lose faith and frankly, Dear Heavenly Father, I’m hurt that You would even suggest such a thing. I have faith that You like to wank Your Divine Wiener to hot chicks. I’m not quite sure why that has offended You.

And how is referencing Your Special Alone Time a lack of respect? If anything, I would think that it shows that I have respect for You all the time, even when You have Your Divine Pants down.
on 30 Dec 2008 at 3:42 pm55Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Anne said: “…if you can’t be nice to Nun, who CAN you be nice to?”

People with penises, Anne. God has a special spot in His big Divine Heart for His precious, so so stupid man.
on 30 Dec 2008 at 4:12 pm56God

Nun, you suggested that I wasn’t paying attention to you at all. That is a clear violation of established faith protocols. Second, you used one of these smileys:

and directed it at Me.

You’re lucky you’re still smoking weed!
on 30 Dec 2008 at 4:13 pm57God

Also, you have a vagina.
on 30 Dec 2008 at 4:15 pm58uppity cracka

not just any vagina, either.
on 30 Dec 2008 at 4:19 pm59anne johnson

Brrrrrriiiiinnnnng! Oh, it’s the alarm clock! Wake up, Cracka, you’re dreaming again.
on 30 Dec 2008 at 4:37 pm60Evangelist Curtis

Anne: Roast beef (gristle), buttered noodles, capri blend mixed vegetables (boiled beyond recognition), and split pea soup.

I am SO going to Subway.

Gee, God, I thought Nun was one of your very favorites, even though she has a fun pouch. She’s just going through a little faith crisis - don’t worry, you’re still the big “G” around here.
on 30 Dec 2008 at 4:40 pm61Nun Ur Damned Bizness

I’m sorry, God but I thought it would be the sin of pride if I assumed that You were wanking Your Divine Wiener to me. So, I assumed that You were wanking Your Divine Wiener to Kate Winslet and not paying attention to me. I apologize profusely for my lack of logic and lack of faith. I see now that You were multi-tasking and wanking Your Divine Wiener to thoughts of naked Kate Winslet and blessing my chiba at the same time. You really do rock the Casbah, God.

Also, please give me mortal money.
on 30 Dec 2008 at 4:42 pm62Nun Ur Damned Bizness

God’s a Boy, Curtis. Therefore, He does not have a big “G”. He gave those to vaginas.
on 30 Dec 2008 at 5:03 pm63Evangelist Curtis

Nun - I’ll let you in on a little secret, but you must absolutely SWEAR not to tell another soul. Boys do to have a “G” spot. It’s the prostate. Shhh. Tell no one!
on 30 Dec 2008 at 5:05 pm64anne johnson

Yay for the big “G!”

Curtis, I’m home from school this week, so the eats are normal household stuff. I must say that if the culinary students at the Vo-Tech cooked like your cafeteria ladies, I would skip lunch and go straight to happy hour.

The only thing that ought to be boiled beyond recognition are missionaries.
on 30 Dec 2008 at 5:12 pm65Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Curtis, I’ll let you in on a little secret. I already knew that and have used it to my advantage on more than one occasion.
on 30 Dec 2008 at 5:17 pm66Evangelist Curtis

Nun - you are definitely my hero!
on 30 Dec 2008 at 5:22 pm67Nun Ur Damned Bizness

I’ve heard that before, Curtis… usually when I’m massaging some guy’s prostate.
on 30 Dec 2008 at 5:36 pm68anne johnson

Cracka reads this he’ll OD on Viagra.
on 30 Dec 2008 at 5:40 pm69Nun Ur Damned Bizness

God’s probably wanking His Divine Wiener.
on 30 Dec 2008 at 5:43 pm70uppity cracka

i think i’m gonna skip lunch and go straight to happy hour. good idea, johnson. get your protrusions away from my prostate you heathens!!
on 30 Dec 2008 at 5:49 pm71Nun Ur Damned Bizness

I hope God lays a smack-down smite on my child support case worker. What a bitch!
on 30 Dec 2008 at 6:05 pm72Evangelist Curtis

Cracka - don’t knock it ’til you tried it.
on 30 Dec 2008 at 6:08 pm73anne johnson

Dear Jealous:

Please smite said case worker and shower Nun with Divine largesse. She’s more popular than You here in the talk section of Your Divine Web Site.

John Lennon’s more popular than You everywhere.
on 30 Dec 2008 at 6:09 pm74anne johnson

Curtis — I’m sure Cracka’s already tried skipping lunch and going straight to happy hour. That is what you meant, right?
on 30 Dec 2008 at 6:16 pm75Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Cracka’s the kind of guy who would let somebody treat him like a trombone but would never have the balls to admit as much. I’m going to assume that some people will read that and think “wtf?!” but not Curtis.

And You’re going to get me smited, Anne. God is the most popular here on His Divine Blog. But I do hope He blesses me with massive amounts of mortal money… hopefully mortal dollars because pounds, yen or euros will do me no good whatsoever. I also hope He smites that ho-bitch case worker.
on 30 Dec 2008 at 6:17 pm76Evangelist Curtis

See, Anne, I always have to get Cracka drunk before I can have any fun with him. Just once, I’d like him to be sober.
on 30 Dec 2008 at 6:35 pm77anne johnson

No you wouldn’t. He’s no fun sober.
on 30 Dec 2008 at 6:49 pm78Yo Yo Ma Ma

A rival for God, or just a rival of the FSM? http://www.thechurchofgoogle.org/
on 30 Dec 2008 at 6:51 pm79Yo Yo Ma Ma

Nun, do you ever get played like a French Horn?
on 30 Dec 2008 at 6:52 pm80Evangelist Curtis

When has he ever been sober? Drunk - yes. Hung over - frequently, but have we ever really seen Cracka sober?

I think not.
on 30 Dec 2008 at 6:58 pm81Yo Yo Ma Ma

Do we want to see him sober?
on 30 Dec 2008 at 7:00 pm82anne johnson

Love how they immediately assume that Google is a “She.” I beg to differ. I think Google is a “He.” Not many women are motherfuckers.
on 30 Dec 2008 at 7:02 pm83anne johnson

Let’s hope Cracka’s stewed like a prune on Sunday when the Eagles pummel Viking ass and leave those sniveling pukes whimpering for mercy.
on 30 Dec 2008 at 7:06 pm84Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Yo, I get played all kinds of ways. Remember, I’m a slut.
on 30 Dec 2008 at 7:33 pm85uppity cracka

so the eagles won a few games against some crappy, unravelling teams and now everyone’s on their little bandwagon. “get on! get off! no, get back on! shit, get off again! we hate donavon! love donavon!” and you say the cowboys are drama queens? at least they’re consistent. it’s always nice to see a bunch of asshole philly fans stabbing each other in the kidneys after another heartbreaking (but totally predictable to everyone who’s not crazy) loss. two words: over and rated.
on 30 Dec 2008 at 7:34 pm86uppity cracka

die, philly scum!!!!!!!!
on 30 Dec 2008 at 7:36 pm87Yo Yo Ma Ma

Don’t hold back, Cracka. Tell us what you really think.
on 30 Dec 2008 at 7:39 pm88Roark

you sure are
on 30 Dec 2008 at 7:39 pm89Roark

*in reference to #84
on 30 Dec 2008 at 7:41 pm90Roark

the iggles are going to get crushed.
on 30 Dec 2008 at 7:49 pm91Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Grow up, Roark. You’re not funny, merely stupid. What’s unfortunate is that you’ve proven your stupidity is not limited to your lack of pussy knowledge. You’ve also proven that you can’t take a joke and need to have the stick removed from your asshole.
on 30 Dec 2008 at 7:57 pm92Yo Yo Ma Ma

“need to have the stick removed from your asshole”

And take away his only joy? Heartless, you are.
on 30 Dec 2008 at 8:05 pm93Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Heartless Slutty McSlutty, that’s me.

Where the fuck is our sweet, little retarded Chinky Chong?
on 30 Dec 2008 at 8:09 pm94Roark

heartless whore
on 30 Dec 2008 at 8:16 pm95Ben

yeah! where the fuck is Josh??? I need to call that guy a fag so he can tell me to shut up. I haven’t gotten a good shutting up in a while. I need someone to put me in my place.
on 30 Dec 2008 at 8:19 pm96Yo Yo Ma Ma

shut up ben
on 30 Dec 2008 at 8:20 pm97Yo Yo Ma Ma

Maybe Josh is celebrating Xmas with his family? Or his office closed for a whole week, and he doesn’t have Internet access at home?
on 30 Dec 2008 at 8:24 pm98Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Josh is a retarded chinky chong so if he was left alone then he’s probably not smart enough to access the internet all by his retarded self. Poor guy.

And I AM NOT A WHORE!! DAMN YOU ALL!!
on 30 Dec 2008 at 8:24 pm99Yo Yo Ma Ma

Poor sot.
on 30 Dec 2008 at 8:26 pm100Yo Yo Ma Ma

That’s right, Nun, you give it away. And since it’s the season for giving…
on 30 Dec 2008 at 8:27 pm101Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Yo took the “Christ” out of “Christmas” and replaced it with an “X”. I wonder if that’s a smitable offense or if it reminds God of The X-Files; that wicked smart television show that is quality entertainment at it’s finest.
on 30 Dec 2008 at 8:31 pm102Yo Yo Ma Ma

You should see what I can do with a peppermint stick…
on 30 Dec 2008 at 8:34 pm103uppity cracka

you know, nun, the x files has been off the air for a while now. i think maybe you should let it go. try something else. might i suggest reality?

yoyo’s quickening will not be acknowledged until he cites the official quickening phrase.
on 30 Dec 2008 at 8:34 pm104Yo Yo Ma Ma

There can only be one!
on 30 Dec 2008 at 8:38 pm105anne johnson

No amount of Clorox will ever totally kill all Philly scum. We just keep coming back. Like we will in Minnesota, in front of all those horny-hatted weirdos.
on 30 Dec 2008 at 8:38 pm106Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Television sucks, Cracka. Which is why I’m still talking about a show that has been off the air for 6+ years. If they gave us something intelligent to watch, maybe I’d talk about that but I’m not holding my breath waiting for quality television.
on 30 Dec 2008 at 8:38 pm107anne johnson

Yo Yo uses a peppermint stick to keep his window open to the fresh breeze of … dunno where he lives. Yonkers?
on 30 Dec 2008 at 8:40 pm108Yo Yo Ma Ma

Anne, I live in Maine.

Yonkers?? WTF?!
on 30 Dec 2008 at 8:42 pm109Yo Yo Ma Ma

Nun, that’s why I put my television in the spare room, and don’t have cable or dish. Too much drek, so why should I waste my time and money?
on 30 Dec 2008 at 8:46 pm110Nun Ur Damned Bizness

I have little use for television, Yo. Yet another reason I’m still talking about a series that has long left prime-time. I have cable but since I only watch History channel and the like, it really is a waste of my money.
on 30 Dec 2008 at 8:48 pm111Yo Yo Ma Ma

Agreement - if the cable company offered cafeteria-style programming, where I could load up on the History channel, or science, or sci-fi, I’d sign up. But their ‘packages’, full of QVC and other crap leaves me cold.
on 30 Dec 2008 at 8:50 pm112Nun Ur Damned Bizness

YES!! They’re evil bastards, those cable/dish people. I don’t even have the NFL Network because I refused to pay extra. I’m sad every year for that.
on 30 Dec 2008 at 8:51 pm113uppity cracka

yonkers just sounds like a funny place to live. the only reason people have heard of it is because it’s called yonkers.

nice quickening, yo.

johnson, the only guy who wears the horny hat is ragnar:

http://www.vikingsvalhalla.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=258&Itemid=42

he was also a great raper and pillager from back when raping and pillaging was done right:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ragnar_Lodbrok

we will get drunk on your blood!!
on 30 Dec 2008 at 8:52 pm114Yo Yo Ma Ma

“Remember men, pillage, then burn!”

-Viking Sergeant, to the new troops
on 30 Dec 2008 at 8:55 pm115Yo Yo Ma Ma

Cracka, any place name with a ‘k’ in it sounds funny. And if it’s in New Jersey, well, pure comedy gold!
on 30 Dec 2008 at 8:56 pm116Ben
on 30 Dec 2008 at 8:57 pm117uppity cracka

a ‘k’ in it, huh? examples?

oh, wait: seskatchewan. okefenokee. oshkosh. kilimanjaro. skokie, illinois.

you’re right again as usual, yo.
on 30 Dec 2008 at 8:58 pm118uppity cracka

kansas.
on 30 Dec 2008 at 9:04 pm119Yo Yo Ma Ma

Ho-ho-kus, or Wykoff, NJ.
on 30 Dec 2008 at 9:14 pm120Ben

i’m so glad the jets coach got fired. who do you think will be the next coach? i’m hoping for Cowher, but we’ll probably end up with Shottenheimer. him with the jets would be so classic and typical for both parties.
on 30 Dec 2008 at 9:32 pm121Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Marty can’t win big games, Ben. He just doesn’t have the killer mentality.

I hate Cowher with the white hot intensity of a zillion suns. What a jerk!
on 30 Dec 2008 at 9:36 pm122anne johnson

Sorry, Yo. I forgot you live in Maine. I could do without tv entirely. I am proud of the fact that I have never watched a single episode of “Seinfeld.” The snippets I saw looked retarded. Never watched X-files either, but only because I heard the show was scary. Sexy I can take. Scary, no.

When the mighty fighting Eagles come on tv, it’s an easy walk to the sports bar. I just wish they knew how to make a good gin & tonic there.

Re-thinking what Yo does with a peppermint stick: measures snowfall totals.
on 30 Dec 2008 at 9:38 pm123anne johnson

Isn’t it funny how Curtis has a lunch hour? We get a ton of comments from him, concentrated in a short period, and then he disappears again. Probably goes somewhere to sleep off those lard-laden lunches.
on 30 Dec 2008 at 9:58 pm124uppity cracka

i told you brett “bert favor” favre would screw you in the end, ben. but did you believe me? NOOOOOO…you were busy planning your super bowl trip. “oh, brett, you’re so dreamy. we love you. please don’t ever retire.” what a bunch of fags.

shut up, ben.
on 30 Dec 2008 at 10:02 pm125Ben

Nun, I know Shotty can’t win in the playoffs. That’s why he would be such a perfect fit for the Jets as they are both professional chokers.
on 30 Dec 2008 at 10:04 pm126Nun Ur Damned Bizness

I hope Mora Jr. works out well and the front offices of the Seahawks never go after Marty Chokenheimer.
on 30 Dec 2008 at 10:05 pm127Evangelist Curtis

Anne, my stupid job often takes me away from my office and my PC.

Stupid job.

I only watch the history channel and animal kingdom. Ask me anything about Nazis and polar bears.

‘night, internuts!
on 30 Dec 2008 at 10:11 pm128Ben

Ok Curtis.

Were there ever any Nazi polar bears? They are white and mean.
on 30 Dec 2008 at 10:11 pm129uppity cracka

you haven’t seen choking like you will see when the vikings miraculously find themselves in their 5th superbowl or 9th nfc championship game with a two point lead with no time on the clock as the other team attempts to tie it on a two point conversion that will fail but only be retried because whichever vikings gets subbed out has one foot on the field as the ball is snapped and the retry is a tipped pass that two vikings will have a chance to knock down but will only collide in midair as the ball floats gently down to a receiver laying the ground who won’t even know he just caught the gametying pass followed by the vikings fumbling the ensuing overtime kickoff at their own ten yard line to lose.

then you will know choking.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m_dQrqiFIKI&feature=related
on 30 Dec 2008 at 10:12 pm130anne johnson

I hear you, Curtis. Starting Monday I won’t be able to blab here at all during the day. I discovered that the computers at the Vo-Tech remember “Substitute Teacher.” Don’t know how to remove the cookie from networked computers. And, although I would never say anything mean about the Vo-Tech, I don’t necessarily want the bosses to see me cussin and talkin dirty and bad-mouthing God.

Closeted God-hater. Damn, that’s dull.
on 30 Dec 2008 at 10:14 pm131anne johnson

Ahem, Cracka. When you can talk about a 5th superbowl appearance to a bunch of Seahawks, Eagles, and Jets fans, you have not one thing to complain about. The last time the Eagles won the superbowl, it wasn’t even fuckin called the superbowl.
on 30 Dec 2008 at 10:23 pm132Nun Ur Damned Bizness

The last time the Seahawks won the Superbowl, Vegas and zebras fucked them.

And choking is when your beloved QB gets in overtime and says “we want the ball and we’re gonna score” and then promptly throws said ball to a nappy headed DB. DAMN IT!!
on 30 Dec 2008 at 10:25 pm133uppity cracka

it’s a matter of choking, johnson. we have choked by FAR more than any other team. in fact, around here, we hate the bills and broncos for stealing our choking thunder. we had a noble tradition of choking away 4 superbowls before either of those teams even sniffed the super bowl. yet everyone thinks of the bills first. plus, we haven’t even won an NFL championship before the merger. our two biggest rivals are the two teams with most rings. and they’re obnoxious and fat. we got NOTHING but a history of choking on the big one. like nun, except less naked.
on 30 Dec 2008 at 10:26 pm134uppity cracka

sure, nun, you have those two. shit, we have two in the last ten conference championships alone. last play of the ‘03 season was a desperation pass into the end zone that knocked us out of the playoffs. we got so much choke we’re fucking choking on it!!
on 30 Dec 2008 at 10:29 pm135Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Edumacate yourself on the way of football, Cracka. Plenty of teams suck as bad as the Vikings.

And I don’t choke, I know what the fuck I’m doing, damn it!
on 30 Dec 2008 at 10:32 pm136uppity cracka

i’m just saying. if you add up all the chokes, the vikings would finally win something.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AQfyJBJoLQs
on 30 Dec 2008 at 10:33 pm137Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Do you think Tarkenton suffered from the same affliction that has cursed Schottenheimer?
on 30 Dec 2008 at 10:33 pm138anne johnson

You know what the problem is for most football fans? They feel sad and martyred when their team chokes. Put their heads in their hands and weep. Fuck that shit. We Eagles fans know how to deal with choking teams. BOO THEM! And I don’t mean Boo Hoo. RAZZ THE FUCK OUTTA THEM. Assholes can’t get the job done. Even when they can get the job done, we BOO THEM TO KEEP THEM ON THEIR TOES.

BOOOOOO!
on 30 Dec 2008 at 10:37 pm139uppity cracka

we should have booed the 8 vikings who had a chance to tackle steve young on this all time classic choke:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4lZmu2ukODY
on 30 Dec 2008 at 10:38 pm140Ben

You know what I think the problem for the vikings is cracka? the purple uniforms.

it’s the same thing for the jets with the green. their crappy uniforms just inspire losing. Now give a dude a broncos, cowboys or a steelers uniform and they feel good and go win you a superbowl too. sounds gay but it’s troo.
on 30 Dec 2008 at 10:40 pm141Nun Ur Damned Bizness

WTF is ‘troo’?
on 30 Dec 2008 at 10:41 pm142uppity cracka

we started booing the fuck out of our team finally. we booed adrian peterson last week. we booed t jack this week. we boo the coach, we boo the secondary. we won’t even buy god damn playoff tickets until you win the god damn super bowl!

http://www.startribune.com/sports/vikings/36862649.html?elr=KArksLckD8EQDUoaEyqyP4O:DW3ckUiD3aPc:_Yyc:aUnciaec8O7EyUsZ
on 30 Dec 2008 at 10:42 pm143uppity cracka

maybe you’re finally right about something, ben. but how do you explain the packers? what’s uglier than those heinz mustard yellow pants?
on 30 Dec 2008 at 10:46 pm144Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Sorry, Cracka but if you can’t even sell out a playoff game then the fans suck just as much as the team.
on 30 Dec 2008 at 10:46 pm145uppity cracka

i mean God damn superbowl
on 30 Dec 2008 at 10:49 pm146uppity cracka

it’ll sell out. they gave the season ticket holders first dibs, but they are all on vacation. so, now they decided to sell the tickets to the scrubby working class drunks. which makes it much louder anyway. rich people are fags.
on 30 Dec 2008 at 10:52 pm147uppity cracka

i got myself so worked up i have no choice but to get drunk.

ben, shut up.

the rest of you, fuck off.
on 30 Dec 2008 at 10:58 pm148anne johnson

Yeah, go get drunk, Cracka, cuz u sure ain’t gonna be drunk on success with those sucky Vikes.
on 30 Dec 2008 at 10:59 pm149anne johnson

I think I’ll have a spot of gin myself.
on 30 Dec 2008 at 11:21 pm150Jessica Tandy

Gin and juice and G spot,
she laughs and grins and coyly purrs
‘it’s good to be a sot.’

Also, shut up Ben.
on 31 Dec 2008 at 12:15 am151Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Why, Smoggy? Why??

Did anybody notice in that Weird Al song that he sings “oh, Santa, why??” Reminded me of God’s fave question… “Why, God? Why??”

I love Weird Al!
on 31 Dec 2008 at 12:42 am152Hume Cronyn

In Heaven, Weird Al is like a saint.
God laughs at him regularly
while Tandy’s feather tickles his taint.
on 31 Dec 2008 at 1:37 am153anne johnson

“Santy Claus, why? Why are you taking our Christmas tree? Why?”

Just one time in my life I would like to see the Grinch dump the whole load of Xmas off the top of Mt. Crumpet.

And yes, it’s good to be a sot with a functional G-spot.
on 31 Dec 2008 at 1:38 am154anne johnson

Hume, you moron. Weird Al is still alive. God only laughs at the funny people in heaven. As soon as I think of one, I’ll let you know.
on 31 Dec 2008 at 2:04 pm155Yo Yo Ma Ma

The Grinch was doing heavy lifting with an enlarged heart. How come he didn’t die?
on 31 Dec 2008 at 2:57 pm156Ben

how do I explain the packers? those are good uniforms man. they work. and the ‘title-town’ tradition more than makes up for any losing image the uniforms might inspire.

also you might not like yellow and fudge-packing, but a lot of people do.

shutting up now sir.
on 31 Dec 2008 at 3:16 pm157uppity cracka

fucking packers
on 31 Dec 2008 at 3:19 pm158uppity cracka

you know what tradition they have in wisconsin?

being dumb hicks who can’t hold their liquor.
on 31 Dec 2008 at 3:41 pm159uppity cracka

also, don’t try to wash your hands at lambeau field…they pee in the sinks.

stupid effing ’sconnies.

anyway, God sure is one helluva genius, huh?

smitin’ the shit out of hamas. hi-lar-i-ous.
on 31 Dec 2008 at 3:46 pm160Nun Ur Damned Bizness

God’s smiting the shit out of just about everybody right now. Economy smites, weather smites, blow-you-up smites. God’s on a smiting roll.
on 31 Dec 2008 at 4:08 pm161uppity cracka

probably gonna be a lot of new year’s day hangover smites, too.

You are brilliantly deviant, Sir.
on 31 Dec 2008 at 4:24 pm162Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Richie-riches may not be richie-riches anymore. Check your portfolios people. God may have smited you and you didn’t even realize it.
on 31 Dec 2008 at 5:43 pm163Yo Yo Ma Ma

Where’s Smoggy? It must be New Year’s Day in Noo Ziiland.
on 31 Dec 2008 at 5:43 pm164Yo Yo Ma Ma

cracka must be working up a good drunk, even as we speak.
on 31 Dec 2008 at 5:46 pm165Yo Yo Ma Ma

I’m hoping the rich get smitted so hard I can hire them as cleaning staff.
on 31 Dec 2008 at 6:19 pm166uppity cracka

God, are the new year’s eve bashes in heaven as awesome as i imagine them to be?
on 31 Dec 2008 at 7:09 pm167Nun Ur Damned Bizness

God’s already in a Divine Blackout because yes, those bashes are indeed as awesome as you imagine them to be.
on 31 Dec 2008 at 9:54 pm168anne johnson

Crappy yew hear, Hacka.
on 31 Dec 2008 at 9:55 pm169anne johnson

Ben — speak up, I can’t hear what you’re saying.
on 31 Dec 2008 at 9:56 pm170anne johnson

Smoggy, if you keep pretending to be other people, your face will freeze that way.
on 31 Dec 2008 at 9:56 pm171anne johnson

Nun, there’s a gorgeous hunky dude in my driveway with flowers and champagne. I just gave him money for a plane ticket to the West Coast.
on 31 Dec 2008 at 9:57 pm172anne johnson

Wait a minute. What am I thinking???? HEY DUDE, COME BACK!!!!!
on 31 Dec 2008 at 9:57 pm173anne johnson

Yo Yo, I think you’re gonna need a shovel tomorrow. And not for shit either.
on 31 Dec 2008 at 9:58 pm174anne johnson

Josh, wherever you are, at least it’s not New Jersey.
on 31 Dec 2008 at 9:59 pm175anne johnson

Roark, there’s hope.
on 31 Dec 2008 at 10:00 pm176anne johnson

Curtis, fondue soup with Allspice is good for your complexion.
on 31 Dec 2008 at 10:01 pm177anne johnson

I’ve forgotten some of yous, I’m sure. Oh yeah. God. It’s been 2009 years, God. TIME FOR THE FUCKIN RAPTURE!
on 31 Dec 2008 at 10:02 pm178anne johnson

And to all a good night.
on 31 Dec 2008 at 10:14 pm179Yo Yo Ma Ma

Time to go home, pop in last year’s video of the ball dropping in Times Square, and crack open a bottle of sparking cider!

Special times, special times
on 31 Dec 2008 at 10:21 pm180Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Watch out, Yo. Sparking cider can be a hazard to your health.
on 31 Dec 2008 at 10:21 pm181uppity cracka

what a bunch of fags.

happy new year, fags.

just think, ben. this is the last time this year that i will tell you to shut up.

shut up.

yo, let me know how that video ends. i don’t think i’m gonna get a chance to watch it as i will be busy rocking out with my proverbial cock out.

nun’s joke: “he has to use his proverbial cock because his real cock is too small to see.”

predictable whore.
on 31 Dec 2008 at 10:27 pm182Yo Yo Ma Ma

Not to worry, Nun! I only drink an ounce, then chase it with celery juice. The way I figure, nothing’s bad as that, so the New Year will (by contrast) be much better!

Cracka, sometimes we reverse the video, and make the ball bounce up and down.

Here’s hoping that your balls don’t drop when you are busy rocking out!
on 31 Dec 2008 at 10:28 pm183Nun Ur Damned Bizness

I. AM. NOT. A. WHORE!!!!

Damn all you fuckholes.
on 01 Jan 2009 at 12:29 am184anne johnson

Myself excepted, I hope, even though I have a fuckhole!
on 01 Jan 2009 at 12:56 am185Nun Ur Damned Bizness

You should have three fuckholes, as I do. And of course you’re excepted. You never call me a whore and you’re the resident feminist… I don’t damn feminists.
on 01 Jan 2009 at 5:22 am186The Grim Reaper

Then who do you damn anyways Nun? Ben? Everyone damns Ben, it’s the ‘in’ thing.
on 01 Jan 2009 at 3:56 pm187Hume Cronyn

Anne I’m sure your fuckhole is delightful, sublime.
Nun, ditto.
Love that word.
Fuckhole.
Anne - a classic triangle covering your
mons pubis? Dark and lush, I bet, like Sherwood Forest.
Nun - freshly shorn for oral levity? Like a perfect, empty
beach in the morning?
This percocet is great.
on 01 Jan 2009 at 4:01 pm188anne johnson

Hume, you sound suspiciously New Zealandic.

The only thing we don’t boo in Philadelphia is the Mummer’s Parade. Part of it is on WGN this afternoon at 2:00 EST. The parade has already started. It lasts 10 hours … kind of like Mr. Johnson.
on 01 Jan 2009 at 4:26 pm189Hume Cronyn

Not a kiwi, my dear, but enjoy your parade
and nearly half day pleasure groan,
And Heavenly Father, thank you for bestowing upon me Thine One Oxycodone.
Amen.
on 01 Jan 2009 at 9:06 pm190Nun Ur Damned Bizness

I damn indiscriminitely, Reaper… as long as it’s not a feminist. I don’t damn feminists.