Stuff God Hates

Dec 19th, 2008 by God

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

In the spirit of the Season of My Son’s Birth, which is apparently love, I grant the faithful readers of My Divine Blog the chance to send Me their Christmas prayers.

I don’t know why any of you ever waste your time asking your family and friends or Santa for gifts, when it is I, The Almighty God, who allows any gifts for anyone.

Naturally, you will be expected to follow the usual protocol I expect. All Christmas prayers must begin with ‘Dear’ and some variation of praise unto Me, His Beautiful Handsome Awesomeness, The Almighty Lord your God. You must then humbly send Me your prayer, and be sure to give proper respect throughout by capitalizing all mentions of My Wondrous Person. You must also wish Me a ‘Merry Christmas’ and verily, when your prayer is concluded, you must thank The Lord profusely and then say ‘Amen.’ If you please Me I may grant your Christmas prayer. If you disrespect Me, you or your child may open a present only to discover a dead puppy. Unless that’s what you wanted.

Note: There will be no Christmas Miracles this year. I’m too tired and none of you deserve it anyway.

Tags: Christmas, God, Prayers

Posted in Prayers

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43 Responses to “Christmas Prayers”

on 19 Dec 2008 at 3:30 pm1Ben

Dear God,

Can I please have a Nintendo Wii? And can You please smite Smoggy Batz-dumble?

Merry Christmas and Amen
on 19 Dec 2008 at 4:59 pm2substitute teacher

Dear Awesomely Handsome Mightiest Other Peoples’ God:

Thank you, Partially Mighty, for this wonderful freezing rain that You, in your finite Wisdom, hath sent upon the citizens of Camden County, many of them poor and homeless and unable to afford home heating fuel. Dare we ever challenge Your reasoning for Your random acts of vengeance?

Please, please, please begin Your Holy Rapture on Christmas Day! Suck up all the good believers into Your domain, leaving the planet Earth to the rest of us.

I have petitioned You many times for this, O Jealous Almighty, and this time I’m trying to get every last praise phrase and grammatical situation perfect so you will CLEANSE THE PLANET OF EVANGELICAL CHRISTIANS!

All glory, laud, and honor, to thee Redeemer King,
Amen
on 19 Dec 2008 at 5:55 pm3uppity cracka

Dear Kickassin’est, Smitin’est, Badassin’est MotherFucker of a Divine Holy God. as if You needed me to tell You. smite ben, not smoggy. you see, smoggy is funny, sir. ben simply refuses to shut up. which, through no virtue of his own, happens to be funny. I know, Your Mighty Awesomeness Who is More Awesome Than Any Other Awesome, that You said there will be no christmas miracles this year, but I would more than appreciate if the vikings could win the superbowl…even though they’re not good enough. it’s been a tough run around here, Lord. Merry Christmas, Master!! Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You for making nun’s vagina so fucking grotesque.

Amen.

PS-may I please have a dead puppy?
on 19 Dec 2008 at 7:28 pm4Kraig

Dear God,
Can you please send my prick of a boss to live in North Korea as my Christmas present this year.
on 19 Dec 2008 at 7:39 pm5Smoggy Batzrubble

SMOGGY’S CHRISTMAS PRAYER

DEAR GOD, in Whom all blessing’s flow,
The Baddest Bastard above, below
And through the omniverse.

I hereby tend my Christmas prayer—
The same one I pray every year—
That You will damn and curse:

The religious cunts who cannot laugh
(Their lack of humour makes me barf);
The schills who’ve milked the public purse;

The bankers who made sub-prime money;
The warmongers who find death funny;
The talking heads who nurse

Our hatreds and our shallow fears
(As Fox and friends have done for years).
I pray that You’ll say something terse

To Bush and Cheney, Blair and Rice,
And those who gave them the advice,
That war is good (“don’t fear the hearse

Cos it won’t be your son or daughter
Who’s fodder in the senseless slaughter”).
But let me finish this line of verse

(For Smoggy can be quite perverse)

Instead, in this season of goodwill,
I’ll cease my list of whom to kill,
And extend to all of you out there,
An olive branch of Christmas cheer:

To Nun, some new toys that writhe and vibrate,
To cracka, fine food and drink with plenty to hate,
To Annie, nude frolics on a fine summer’s day,
To Josh, the top billing in a prestigious play,
To Yo Yo, more power to your personal grid,
To Curtis, a romp with a buff looking kid,
To Douche, and to Shake, to Roark and to Christian,
To Jesus and Mary, and our good mate Satan,
To all of the lurkers and my other friends,
And even to Ben—let us both make amends—
The best of the season, to one and to all,
May the New Year bring peace and let happiness fall.

And finally to God, who’s a lonely Old Bloke,
Doomed to live on while the rest of us croak,
With nothing to do but obsess about sex,
I wish there was some way to get you out of the fix
Of having to hear our self-interested prayers
As you’ve had to do now for ten thousands of years

Take Smoggy’s advice God, although it’s no hit,
And tell them that Darwin’s the genuine shit,
Then slip quietly off to a tropical island
And leave your creation to languish behind.
Have a break, take a rest, nod off in the sun,
You really don’t need us, we’re not that much fun.

As for me, Smoggy B., I’m off to steal sheep,
If I never come back, don’t wail or weep,
I’ll have died in the Alps, with my flock in a blizzard,
And so if my banter has stuck in your gizzard,
I’d like to say sorry to one and to all,
And point out that we were all destined to fall.
And it’s not my fault if you’re a humourless cunt,
Who takes yourself seriously, puts on a front!
Just laugh with your family, love all your friends,
This is your ride, and it too quickly ends.
I don’t want a heaven, I don’t need a hell,
The best that will happen, as far as I can tell,
Is that one day a few of my myriad atoms,
Will be out in space forming marvellous patterns,
And so too will yours, and maybe they’ll meet,
And that’s better than a heaven with God and Saint Pete.
———————–
Happy Monkey to all!
Smoggy Batzrubble
on 19 Dec 2008 at 7:55 pm6Thomas

Dear YHWH,

For Christmas this year, could you make all of your idiot fundagelical nitwit followers die?

Humbly,
Bard
on 19 Dec 2008 at 8:18 pm7Christmas Prayers « Skepfeeds-The Best Skeptic blogs of the day

[...] Christmas Prayers December 19, 2008 — Skepdude CLICK HERE TO GO TO THE ORIGINAL ENTRY AT “STUFF GOD HATES’ [...]
on 19 Dec 2008 at 8:35 pm8Ben

Smoggy, thank you for showing why you should be smoted.
on 19 Dec 2008 at 9:11 pm9uppity cracka

as a christmas present to you, i actually read that whole thing, smog.

and for you, ben: shut up, ben.

i got something for you, too, nun:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fuoYnAiFaa0
on 20 Dec 2008 at 12:55 am10Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Most excellent bus smite, God.

http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/localnews/2008540293_apwabusaccident.html?syndication=rss
on 20 Dec 2008 at 12:58 am11Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Thanks, Cracka. I got a better shot of said penis on some of the related videos.
on 20 Dec 2008 at 2:59 am12Roark

Dear Awesome God,

That picture is superlative. I beseech you to smite the one called ‘Nun’ with syphillis-infected marijuana.

Merry Christmas!
on 20 Dec 2008 at 4:55 am13Douche bag

Dear & Most Handsome & Awesome God, I pray to You for nothing. You have already given me everything I need. Thank You for my family, children , friends, & grandson. That’s all I needed, God Almighty! Merry Christmas! And thanks again for another Steeler win last Sunday! Thank You! Amen.
on 20 Dec 2008 at 7:29 am14Tony Snow

Dear God,

Merry Christmas to Y’all!

Please look after that cool Obama dude - don’t let the Neocons whack him, OK?

Amen, and thank You once again for EVERYTHING!

Your devoted devotee,
Tony S.
on 20 Dec 2008 at 2:07 pm15uppity cracka

hilarious weather smite, Sir!
Local Forecast:
Today: Snow likely. High near 20F. ESE winds shifting to SW at 15 to 25 mph. Chance of snow 90%. 3 to 5 inches of snow expected.
Tonight: Blustery with snow showers. Some blowing and drifting snow. Dangerous wind chills as low as -30F. Low around -5F. Winds WNW at 20 to 30 mph. Chance of snow 70%. About one inch of snow expected.
Tomorrow: Windy with occasional snow showers. Some blowing and drifting snow. Dangerous wind chills as low as -25F. High 4F. Winds WNW at 20 to 30 mph. Chance of snow 50%.
Tomorrow night: Bitterly cold. Partly cloudy. Dangerous wind chills as low as -25F. Low -12F. Winds WNW at 15 to 25 mph.

You still got it, God!!!!
on 20 Dec 2008 at 4:27 pm16anne johnson

When God banished Adam and Eve from the Garden of Eden, He was specifically thinking of Minnesota winters as He laughed himself to sleep.
on 20 Dec 2008 at 4:30 pm17uppity cracka

God,
i see that Your weather smite is causing the falcons great travelling difficulty. they should be way too exhausted to tackle A.P. on sunday afternoon. You certainly are a master of smiting/blessing. brilliant strategy, General.
on 21 Dec 2008 at 1:57 am18anne johnson

Hey, Smoggy! Up yours! Tomorrow we get the sun back! Better line up those sheep for the longest day of the year and shag your heart out.

PS - Are you an evangelical or something? Who prays that long? And to think you accused me of watching 700 Club.
on 21 Dec 2008 at 4:21 am19Hume Cronyn

Hey God -
Howsabout some KY for Jesus’ birthday, my good man?
Tandy’s twat is sandier than the 12th at Pebble Beach.
Thanks.
on 21 Dec 2008 at 6:03 am20Master Shake

Dear God, Mightiest of the Mighty and King of Kings.

This year, I wish for the smiting of uppity cracka as he thinks I have no sense of humour. Can You PLEASE make it happen for me?

Thanks and amen from Your awesome follower Shake.
on 21 Dec 2008 at 6:08 am21The Grim Reaper

Dear our well-endowed Lord Almighty of the universe.

I wish that all professional male chefs should be forbidden to do cooking shows and also forbid the bastards from having restaurants.

Thanks and amen.
on 21 Dec 2008 at 2:10 pm22uppity cracka

that’s not true, shake. i think you can sense when humor is present, kind of esoterically, like a paranormal investigator. it just blips across your radar screen in the same way nun can sense when a rapper, athlete, or gang-banger pops a boner somewhere within a 10 miles of her pus-drooling gash. and he did smite me, stupid. i’m a worthless human, aren’t i? fuck. it’s like you’re more ben than ben.
on 21 Dec 2008 at 2:11 pm23uppity cracka

*amend-somewhere within a ten mile radius of her pus-drooling gash.
on 21 Dec 2008 at 7:25 pm24The saint formerly known as "Pádraig"

Dear GOD, our most Heavenly FATHER,

Take a break. You work too hard. As our gift to you and in celebration of your favorite son’s birthday, us saints will worry about the excess prayers this time of year.

Merry Christmas.

YOUR humble servant,
Patrick
on 21 Dec 2008 at 7:54 pm25Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Uppity Cracka has indeed been smited, Shake. He is the proud poppa of the smallest penis known to man. It’s so small that he masturbates with a Cheerio and uses a thimble as a condom. It’s so tiny and cute.
on 21 Dec 2008 at 8:18 pm26uppity cracka

it’s an adorable little thing. no matter how much i clap and chant, “i believe! i believe!” God just penis-smites me right back to miniature scale. i clap and it grows. i get up to ten inches! then, when my wife is all excited to fuck me, right when i’m about to give it to her, ZAP!!! BACK TO ALMOST NOTHING!!!

EVERY FUCKING TIME!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
on 21 Dec 2008 at 9:01 pm27The saint formerly known as "Pádraig"

Ben: Shut up.

Substitute Ann: Go sacrifice a virgin you heathen.

uppity cracka: A dead puppy is a gift you give yourself. Also, Ben is too harmless to warrant a smiting. Though, I heard a rumor that his parents will be smitten in the near future by his increasing retardation.

Kraig: Your patron saint informed me that your boss will be sticking around for a while longer. Though, he will contract chlamydia.

Smoggy: Done.

Thomas: No.

Roark: What a stupid prayer. No.

Douche bag: Finally, a perfect prayer. Dinner on Christmas will be especially pleasant for you and yours.

Tony Snow: See you at the pub.

Hume Cronyn: We would but that would be interfering with a smite that is still in progress. You’ll both just have to live with it until our FATHER sees that it has run its course.

Master Shake: uppity cracker has already has a prayer pending for your smiting. Thus his request takes priority.

The Grim Reaper: Chef Emeril will gain a +7% rating for his television show.

Enjoy your time off JEHOVAH sir.
on 21 Dec 2008 at 10:35 pm28Christiam The Jew

Dear God,
AKA…(His Beautiful Handsome Awesomeness, The Almighty Lord my God).
Merry Christmas
I Pray that this year You will bless me with the chance to make the cat smile some more….

Ok, there’s my cheesy one out of the way.

I also humbly ask You that this Christmas brings a remedy for stupid. I know this may be a big request, but it seems like it would solve a lot. Also, If it wouldn’t be to much, would You please smite all of the members of the Georgia state government… They’re being dicks again.
Thank You
Amen.
on 22 Dec 2008 at 12:27 am29Ben

you should pray for help in spelling your name.

Nun, I hate the seahawks and the jets equally right now.
on 22 Dec 2008 at 1:01 am30Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Ben,

I think Christian’s little misspellings are kind of cute.

And I love the Seahawks, Mike Holmgren and Eric Mangini right now. I feel bad for your coach but what a bonehead. He relied far too heavily on “Favre Magic” that never materialized. HAHA!!
on 22 Dec 2008 at 2:49 am31anne johnson

Hey St. Pat, you a virgin? If so, meet me at Stonehenge.
on 22 Dec 2008 at 3:39 am32Douche bag

Nun, I don’t hate the Seahawks or any other team. Well, maybe the Ravens, but that’s just because they are in my division & even though I live closer to Baltimore than Pittsburgh, I grew up in western Pa & still live in PA. Hey, my Steelers lost today, I have to admit that they deserved the loss to the Titans. So, no tears shed here. The Seahawks will have their time again. Be patient. As a Steeler fan, I’ve had my share of bad years.
on 22 Dec 2008 at 3:44 am33Christian The Jew

Thank you nun… It’s hard to work with such big hands…
Shut up Ben
on 22 Dec 2008 at 4:53 am34Nun Ur Damned Bizness

The Steelers suck, Douche.
on 22 Dec 2008 at 6:47 am35The saint formerly known as "Pádraig"

Christian the Jew: Though your request for a remedy for stupid brings a tear of joy to my eye, and your state’s government is indeed filled with ridiculous fuckwits, there was an error processing your request. Try again next year.
on 22 Dec 2008 at 3:33 pm36uppity cracka

well, God sure knows how to smite a football team. fumbles everywhere. the vikings are better than the falcons. that’s the only thing i learned yesterday. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. did they change the rules of pass interference? fuck.

fuck.
on 22 Dec 2008 at 3:36 pm37uppity cracka

now we are in the untenable position of rooting for the wisconsin fudge-packer fat fuck cheesehead sister-fucking toof-hoofing packers of things which need to be packed by people who pack things. i hate those guys.
on 23 Dec 2008 at 4:14 am38Christian The Jew

Is God the one updating Urban Dictionary…?
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=God%20Hates%20Anal%20Sex
on 23 Dec 2008 at 5:22 pm39Yo Yo Ma Ma

Smoggy, just read your poem, it brought a tear to this crusty, cynical old fart’s eye.
on 23 Dec 2008 at 5:27 pm40Nun Ur Damned Bizness

fag
on 23 Dec 2008 at 10:36 pm41Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Dear God,

You Handsome Divine Stud, You. I was content enough to not ask for a Christmas Prayer as I feel we mortals bother You in Your Handsomely Splendour far too often but an instance has arose and I want to respectfully request a smite from Your Almighty Goodness. Please smite my non-responsible brother for fucking me on his portion of the house payment yet again. Please God, You’re so Handsome and Studly and Kind and Divine and all that good stuff that You are.

Amen
on 24 Dec 2008 at 12:41 pm42Anonymous

Dear God,
If it is really you, Jesus Christ who died on the cross for our sins, i”d like to say praise honour and glory be to your name. Forgive me for all my sins, that i know you know. i have sinned against you sooooo many times knowingly and unkowingly, i want you to know that i love you anyway. this Chistmas please give me to leave all past bad habits, you know them. please help me pass my final exams with a division one point 3 and a scholarship to university in France.thank you for this gift. If it is not my God, whoever is doing this will face the true Gods wrath.
on 24 Dec 2008 at 4:42 pm43Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Jesus and God are two different deities, dumb ass.