In this monthly feature, The Almighty first answers a few of the many questions He has recently received. Afterwards, mortals will be given the opportunity to ask God one question. If The Lord is feeling generous, He may actually answer.
QUESTION #1:
Just call me Lu: Back when Jesus was born wouldn’t an unwed mother have been stoned to death? And what would happen to the guy that knocked her up? Wouldn’t he be killed as well? And if the only people to have seen an angel were the people that should have died why would anyone believe them? Wouldn’t it make sence just to realize that Mary was a lieing whore and Joseph was just another douche trying to save his skin when he knocked some loose chick up?
GOD: Your questions seem to indicate that you think I did not impregnate Mary Myself. I would smite you viciously where you stand right now, but you saved yourself just then by calling Mary a ‘lying whore.’ She’s also a raging bitch.
QUESTION #2:
JRose: I am agnostic and I go to church how do you feel about that should I be welcomed or should I be burned at a steak?
GOD: You are a coward. Pick a side. I feel that the next time you go to church they should grill you on the BBQ, burn you until you are very, very well done, and then serve you as sandwiches to the congregation.
QUESTION #3:
Nun Ur Damned Bizness: How do You feel about what they’ve done with Your Good Book? Angelina Jolie and John Lennon in the Bible?? WTF, God!? WTF!? http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=97537385
GOD: Eh, whatever gets people thinking about My Book more is fine by Me. People these days need that kind of star power to be interested in reading.
QUESTION #4:
Oki John: God, would you be so kind as to smite Britney Spears so that she’ll shut the hell up? Maybe a raging case of rectal cancer or something?
GOD: How could I possibly smite her any further than I already have? At this point, a raging case of rectal cancer would work in her favor.
QUESTION #5:
ADC: Why did you make the dinosaurs?
GOD: THERE NEVER WERE NO DINOSAURS! SHUTUP!
QUESTION #6:
Sibyl: God, why don’t you censor your comments? Aren’t you embarrassed by all that talk about sex, drugs, and X Files? People should take You serious.
GOD: No Sibyl, nothing can embarrass Me. The fact that you think such a thing possible indicates that you are one of those that does not take Me ’serious.’ Enjoy the rash.
QUESTION #7:
The Very Incredibly Unpleasant Jew: dear god, what is your opinion on green card marriages?
GOD: If I decided to have you come out of a vagina in Mexico, you should stay in Mexico. Forever.
QUESTION #8:
Brian: God, why did you make fattening food taste so damn good, and salads and healthy shit taste like ass?
GOD: I didn’t. Salads only taste awful to you because you are evil.
QUESTION #9:
Anne Johnson: God, how do you feel about live nativity scenes in front of churches? All those jackasses, I mean.
GOD: I am in favor of live Nativity scenes but they should only take place if the woman is 9 months pregnant and actually gives birth while people are watching.
QUESTION #10:
Ben: Dear God, Is karma real?
GOD: No, there is no such thing as karma, and anyone who tells you otherwise will be punished severely by Me.
Gene on 
ronpaulcandidate on 
jetaDeelp on 
Nun Ur Damned Bizness on 
The Ender on 
No Dinosaurs….?
I think I’m gonna cry…
No green card girls?
Just when I was getting the new mail-order-bride catalog….
Lord, would it be ok if I ordered a Russian of Hungarian, or are they off limits as well?
At least they’re not Dark…
God,
Happy New Year. I know You have little use for mortal holidays but Happy New Year anyway.
I’m confused that You would have no problem with John Lennon being in Your Good Book when You’ve banished him to hell. It seems to me that would be a Divine Inconsistency but I know it’s just because I’m a stupid mortal and You work in Mysterious Ways. I know You have Your Divine Reasons, God and I’m just supposed to have faith in You and not think too hard about Your Answers.
So, I’m going to go get that new fangled celebrity Bible ASAP, Dear Handsome Lord, so I can worship You while looking at pics of skanky hos and chiba-heads. I hope Russell Crowe poses as an Angel!! WooHoo… I’m giddy with excitement!
I wonder if Allison Stokke will be placed in the new Bible..?
Without her permission of course…
What cave have I been in that I hadn’t even heard of this girl? Or maybe I’m just old.
Age smite. Fuck.
Thank You for taking time on January 1 to answer my question. I think Your idea for improvements to the live Nativity scene is inspired. It would be especially poignant if they could find a 14-year-old who got pregnant after wearing her sister’s nasty panties.
Nun - It’s true, I’m not fond of John Lennon being in that modern artsy-fartsy Bible. He was an atheist, and plus he’s dead. Why couldn’t they get a modern rock-star, like John Mayer, or at least Keith Richards or someone like that?
John Mayer would be really lame, God.
They should have used Johnny Depp. Naked.
She’s the girl who got upset about guys posting her pic in fark.com threads without her permission
Nun - Johnny Depp naked would be almost more gay than John Mayer, but at least either one would still be alive and believe in Me.
God, why wasn’t my question posted up there? In had a very valid question that I emailed You and I got no reply.
Ah yes, I seem to remember now you had a question about the final contestants on ‘The Amazing Race.’ I forgot to answer it because it was utterly inane.
I have answered your question for the month and now consider this matter closed.
Dear God,
Keith Richards isn’t a dinosaur?
just wondering …
Silly Tony, Keith Richards is a mummy without the wrapping.
Tony - No, he is human. He can’t be a dinosaur, because there never were any in the first place. There were large monsters that I unleashed on the world to traumatize Adam and Eve and their kin 6,000 years ago, but that’s about it.
that must’ve been funny as hell.
God, thank you for answering my question. Can I ask one other question?
Can you please smite Bill Cowher for not taking the Jets job?
You buried tons and tons of giant bones in the ground just so that people would believe in dinosaurs? Couldn’t that time have been better spent? You, sir, are a devious deity.
i think you mean:
You, Sir, are a brilliantly devious Deity, Sir.
stupid druid cunt.
so, Cracka, how many seats are left for sale in your team’s stadium?
If the Vikings fall in a forest with no one around to hear them, do they still lose the game?
PS - I. AM. NOT. STUPID.
not selling out a playoff game. that’s gotta be demoralizing.
not many. they are leftover corporate season tickets. i don’t see what the big deal is. who the h would want to go to that dump of a stadium with crappy tailgating rules when you could stay at home in front of your awesome tv and get wasted? the answer: about 56,000 people. for all the smack you guys talk about how the eagles fans are going to swarm the metrodome you sure haven’t bought that many tickets. it’s not just a rumor, eagles fans really are assholes.
philadelphia people are insane. they get excited about inane bullshit like this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mummers_Parade
not really, ben. going to the dome is a huge pain in the ass and it will be like 6 below that morning. i live 2 miles from the metrodome but i haven’t decided if i’m going or not. probably not.
God,
I’ve heard that Johnny Depp is hung like a donkey. Him appearing naked in Your Good Book would bring You bunches of cool, new sheeple. John Mayer is a lame-o douchey type guy so he would only bring You lame-o douchey type sheeple. You have enough of those in Your Flock, God. Johnny Depp is definitely the way to go. In my mortal opinion anyway.
SHUT UP BEN THE MUMMERS ARE THE BOMB!
Cracka, I’m actually with you on that, esp if your stadium has sucky tailgate rules. I spent six hours yesterday watching our WORLD CLASS MUMMERS (shut up Ben) from the comfort of my Lazy Boy, with a fire in the hearth and the cat on my lap. Will do the same with the Iggles if I’m not working. At a certain point in life you begin to ask yourself why you would want to pay big bucks to get frostbite in a shitty seat, overpaying for each weak beer, when you could be at home, with FIOS and a martini.
Because you show devotion and love to your team!! I don’t care what the weather is, I’d go.
No wonder God blesses Nun with sweet, sweet chiba! God, if you’re reading this, you should give Nun Johnny Depp as a goodwill offering.
YES!! I’d take good care of him, God. I promise!! I’m a good fan and not one of those creepy stalker types.
i’m sure some time in the next 25 years you’ll get another chance to prove your devotion to the seahawks by paying $300 to sit next some puking drunk at a playoff game, nun. it’s bound to happen, right?
the cheapest tickets available are $86.75 to sit in the corner of the stadium. as a guy who goes to the metrodome around 20 times a year, i can assure you, those are shitty seats. i think i’m going to buy some anyway. fuck it. i’m going. and i’m dumping purple paint on eagles jerseys, too. faggot-ass druid eagle bitches.
$86.75 for a playoff ticket?! Consider yourself blessed, buy the ticket and quit your complaining.
yeah, it’s cheap. one good thing about the dome. actually, the only good thing about the dome.
It doesn’t even matter what face value is of a Seahawks ticket, unless you’re one of the lucky bastards that is able to get in the purchase queue in the first 30 seconds or so. They always sell out in minutes and then you’re left with Ebay or one of the ticket brokers.
hmm…yeah, the only ticket like that anymore is the minnesota wild. even though they suck. stupid minnesotans love hockey. of course, the x is a beautiful arena. back when the seahawks played at the kingdome i’m sure you could swing johnny depp’s dick through the stands and not hit anybody.
brian freakin’ bosworth.
Only for a couple of seasons, Cracka. Most of the time, even when they sucked, the dome would sell out. It was the Mariners that had problems filling up the seats.
Brian Bosworth licks asshole and likes it!!
It looks like God might have smited the Travoltas.
I wouldn’t pay $86 to see the Eagles if they were playing across the street from my house, and the temperature was a balmy, New Zealandesque 76. BOOOOOOOO to their fancy new stadium and its $200 cheap seats! I threw out every piece of Eagles attire I owned when they went belly up in the Super Bowl.
The only reason I still care even a little about them is that they chose a really cool color for their uniforms awhile back. They can’t play, but at least they’re not Purple Sheeple Eaters.
God did smite the Travoltas. I’d attempt some kind of joke about how they didn’t believe in Him but that would be bad form. RIP Jett.
G-d, will Hamas be destroyed? Or will they come back again?
I think my question about the Travoltas is going to be my “Ask God” for January.
As God’s top disciple, I have decided to create a Gospel According to Anne.
“In the beginning there were dinosaurs. And the trees saw it, and it was good.”
Nice start. I’ll work on getting some tits and ass in it.
fuck you, johnson.
you’re a stupid druish cunt and fairies don’t exist and i hope you get arrested for fucking one of your students. not a hot one, either. a fat, ugly one…with a tiny penis (shut up, nun). God, why do the vikings always have to suck?
and how did they lose? the eagles suck. t-jack sucks, the vikings special teams is awful…but the fucking eagles fucking suck. fuck.
fuck.
you know who i am, bitch.
hey God, did you really have to stick your giant, invisible God pinky down and trip kevin williams (#93) on this play.? we could have possibly won if You didn’t. not that You didn’t have a good reason.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pncg6kiizQc
with all due respect, Sir, fuck you.
(oops)
“And lo, with a mighty blast of bitter breath, God smote the land of Minnesota into deep cold. And unto that cold land there cameth mighty Eagles. Well, semi-mighty Eagles. Well … emmm … so-so Eagles. But powered by the smiting strength of Almighty God, the so-so Eagles didst crush the pagan Vikings, for the pagan Vikings’ gods could not match the power of the Lord God Almighty, maker of everything but dinosaurs.”
–from the Gospel According to Anne
Along the line of fucking my students, which frankly doesn’t even cross my mind (that’s how I know I’m getting fuckin old), I won’t be able to converse with you fascinating believers while I’m at school. After school I have to report to rehab. After that I have to deal with a daughter who should be chained in a ship’s galley. So go ahead and bash the fairies. See where it gets you.
See where it gets you, Cracka? LOSER.
Cracka - I foresaw you saying ‘fuckyou’ to Me when the Vikings lost today, which is why I made them lose. So you see, it’s all your fault. As punishment, not only do I damn them this year, I DAMN YOU AND THEM FOR ALL TIME!
The Vikings will never win the Superbowl. And you will never stop being a Vikings fan. It will be the same once you reach hell, except there you will be pummeled and stomped on by angry former Viking players.
Holy Smite!
Whew. Bullet dodged. Tough break, Cracka.
meh. i’m used to it.
on a choking scale of all the sports disappointments we’ve been through this one barely registers. it’s not like anyone expected tarvaris jackson to lead them to the promised land…or freakin’ gus frerotte for that matter.
when does baseball season start?
tarvaris jackson will be out of the nfl next year.
Don’t pick on the Mummers - when else can gays prance down a street in Philly and not get mugged?
Mummers are gay?
shit, ben. shut up, will ya?
the vikings are one good QB away from being awesome. then again…who isn’t?
now. moving on:
after further review, josh is still a faggot.
yeah, josh is a faggot. hehe, you still got it cracka.
Any new years resolutions people?
I resolve this year not to let anyone shut me up.
I never bother with resolutions - it saves a lot of guilt.
Besides, I always wait until February to start my regime at the local gym - by then, everyone who resolved to lose weight and work out has quit.
Him dammit! That was me.
Mummers look gay, so maybe they are gay.
i resolve to tell ben to shup up more.
i’m also going to get back to insulting nun’s vagina.
and i’m never starting work sober again…i swear it.
stands to reason yo. anyone that looks gay or acts gay or talks gay is gay.
hence, josh is gay.
i also resolve to change my avatar. ben affleck is gay.
i also resovle to call more thangs gay.
That’s so gay.
you know what’s gay?
fucking another guy’s butt.
where is everybody? no Josh, no Nun. not even a smoggy siting.
anyone think God hates scientologists?
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,475724,00.html
shutup roark
“fucking another guy’s butt.”
What if the other guy is drunk? And you’re using a dildo?
Shut up BenDover.
yeah! what if you’re using a budweiser bottle, or a police nightstick? that’s as American as apple pie.
Cracka, you sound like an electronic Andy Rooney:
“You know what’s gay? Fucking another man’s butt. And what about those extra keys on your keyboard? Anyone ever use the Pause/Break key? I didn’t think so.”
“I’m going to start using more street lingo. Why? Because I’ve always wanted to bust caps on da man, and wonder aloud where all my ho’s are at. As a matter of fact, I’m changing the title of my segment to ‘A Few Minizels Wit Uppity Cracka… take that, CBS bee-otches!”
“If God did make me in his own image, I feel bad for him, because his nuts must itch an awful lot.”
Nice touch, Psycho!
wow, what the fucking hell?
it’s only gay if your balls touch and you know his first name.
Sounds like you’ve slapped balls with a few men known only as ‘Mr. Smith’…
of course not, yo.
Speaking of ballslapping, where’s Nun?
ass deep in dick?
This woman makes costumes for the fucking Klan: http://www.motherjones.com/photos/aryan-outfitters/
God,
Why the fuck is Amy Winehouse still alive?? Have You tried to kill her and like a cockroach she just won’t die? Or do You not even bother with her?
Cracka,
The Vikes had a quality QB, Fran Tarkenton. Unfortunately for you, him and all Viking fans, God hates the Vikings so even with a quality QB, they’ll never win the big one.
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,475629,00.html
Jesus! What the fuck is wrong with people?
That’s so sad. People are sick.
They should let the mother sentence him for his crime.
Some would say execute him. I say, shut him up for life, in a small cell, no sunlight, no hope of parole, no human contact. He shut his wife in a prison for life, let him be shut in a prison, too.
I wouldn’t appreciate my tax dollars going to his upkeep. Besides, what you’ve described would be considered “cruel and unusual”. I say let the mother have him.
I say make him pay the child support.
after locking him away in a federal pound me in the ass prison for life of course.
God, I’ve seen Your answer and it does not please me at all. You’re on Your first strike.
Nun - Amy Winehouse will die soon enough from a burst appendix. She will be far too high to notice the pain and will die suddenly.
Nun - Dad said you had a question for Me. You asked ‘why are people so fucked up?’
That’s simple. They haven’t found Me yet.
Shake,
I don’t fucking care if you are pleased or not, whelp! If you don’t like the answers that I, THE ALMIGHTY GOD, deign to give you, then GET THE FUCK OFF MY BLOG!!#$%
Jesus,
A funny thing I’ve noticed…
When I ask You a direct question, You ignore me which makes me cry.
See how sad I get?
When I use Your name in an exclamation of shock and horror, You respond. Why, Jesus? Why??
Anyway, thanks for answering, Jesus but I don’t think that guy ever deserves to find You now. He doesn’t deserve the peace and serenity that love for You brings a mere mortal. Please have Your Dad smite him a horrible smite that all shall discuss until the end of days. And ask Your Dad to include Amy Winehouse in the smite because that would be funny.
So let me get this straight, why did you make your existence more obvious? Say big flaming letters in the sky.
That is why I don’t think you exist. You’re a figment of mans imagination.
Nun - I apologize but I am terribly busy running the universe. If you ever have a question or prayer you absolutely need answered, it is far more effective to email Me. Last time you did, you got a naked picture of Me.
Tony P - You’re right, I shouldn’t have made My Existence so obvious by starting a blog. Perhaps you’re a figment of My Imagination? Did you ever consider that? Well it’s the truth.
These are really funny…
I just discovered this blog; hope you continue updating it.