Stuff God Hates

Dec 22nd, 2008 by God

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

If you are a human aged 0-12 who eats a lot of bagels, then you are likely a Jewish child and I hate you. I will do everything in My Infinite Power to smite you! However, I only hate you because I love you. I know this is confusing to your puny mortal brain, so let Me explain.

Jews are My chosen people and My representatives on planet Earth. And as such, as you have probably already heard, they run the world. My Jews own and operate Hollywood, Broadway, TV, newspapers, the Internet, the Legal system, the Military, Congress and the President. Also, the banks.

Now as you might imagine, running the world for Me is a heavy responsibility that takes up a lot of their time and energy, as it should. And so, Jews must be tough, smart, and above all, ruthless and rotten to the core. Which they are.

But My Jews don’t get that way by accident! No, it is only through My numerous loving smitings of them that they stay strong. In the past, I would routinely have some nation or other decimate their numbers to weed out the weaklings. These days however, I just subject them to constant psychological and emotional torture when they are young to toughen them up. And also because it amuses Me.

Now of course, My favorite way to smite Jewish children, who I hate, is by making Christmas so incredibly awesome in comparison to lame-ass Hannukah. Jewish children can only sit and mournfully spin a dreidel* as their Christian friends play with all their new Power Rangers and Nintendos. Jewish children are never given any gifts of real value for Hannukah; just socks, pens, if they’re lucky perhaps a flu shot - the types of things their Jewish parents needed to buy for them anyway. This makes them very, very sad and I am happy to say that the high suicide rate you hear about during the Holiday season is entirely due to the huge number of Jewish children envious of Christmas.

Another favorite way of Mine of punishing Jews for being children is by having their parents and teachers assault them with a constant barrage of Holocaust movies and guilt. There is nothing quite like the look on a Jewish 8-year-old’s face when they are shown Schindler’s List for the first time. After that their nightmares are always super hilarious.

I smite Jewish children in many other ways of course, by making them awkward, ugly, and balding, but I do so only because I hate-love them so much.

I, The Almighty Lord, have spoken.

*Made out of clay

Tags: Christmas, God, Hannukah, Jews

Posted in People

Print This Post

171 Responses to “#57 Jewish Children”

on 22 Dec 2008 at 1:39 pm1Schlomo Schacter

This explains a lot. Oy!
on 22 Dec 2008 at 3:39 pm2uppity cracka

so that’s why the unpleasant jew is so unpleasant?

you’re a very funny God, God.
on 22 Dec 2008 at 4:05 pm3Ben

So that’s why suicide rates go higher. Makes total sense to me. Thanks for your hate God.
on 22 Dec 2008 at 4:19 pm4God

Happy Hannukah.
on 22 Dec 2008 at 5:03 pm5Roark

Hannukah sucks.
on 22 Dec 2008 at 5:09 pm6anne johnson

And won’t they have just tons of fun in your stinkin heaven? Ick. As a deity you are a total loser.
on 22 Dec 2008 at 5:16 pm7God

DAMN YOU JOHNSON! DAMN YOU!!!
on 22 Dec 2008 at 5:38 pm8Hume Cronyn

Shut up Ben.
on 22 Dec 2008 at 5:44 pm9Ben

you can’t tell me to shutup! who the hell are you??
on 22 Dec 2008 at 5:55 pm10Yo Yo Ma Ma

God, are there any Jewish kids in Maine? I always wondered about our family doctor, Dr. Weiss and his family…
on 22 Dec 2008 at 5:56 pm11Yo Yo Ma Ma

shutupben
on 22 Dec 2008 at 6:39 pm12Tony Snow

Dear God,

Here’s a schmeasonal song
for you and the flock ….

http://www.myvideo.de/watch/659856/southpark_dreidel_song
on 22 Dec 2008 at 6:41 pm13Tony Snow

And also something special
for the Schmistians

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3En1-5f-J2E
on 22 Dec 2008 at 6:58 pm14anne johnson

Na na na boo boo, Jealous! You can’t damn me! No siree, I’m a Pagan! My deities sneer at you. They only let you recruit because they needed a vacation. When they get back from the Crab Nebula, you are in deep shit, buddy.
on 22 Dec 2008 at 7:19 pm15God

If your deities are so great, then how come only nutbags and dingbats like you believe in them?

Answer Me that, wench.
on 22 Dec 2008 at 7:25 pm16Yo Yo Ma Ma

Point.
on 22 Dec 2008 at 7:43 pm17anne johnson

I told you. My deities are on vacation, taking a leisurely tour of the Crab Nebula, which I understand is quite a fetching destination. They plan to return and smite you back to your former status as a regional deity for a small, sheep-herding Middle Eastern ethnic group.

There’s your answer, old white-bearded goat man.
on 22 Dec 2008 at 7:43 pm18anne johnson

PS - One cannot be a nutbag and a dingbat at the same time. Pick one and stick to it!
on 22 Dec 2008 at 7:44 pm19Nun Ur Damned Bizness

FACE!!

Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel
I made you out of clay
dreidel, dreidel, dreidel
together we will play

God, If You hate Your little Jew children so much, why did You give them such a catchy little tune to sing during Hannukah?
on 22 Dec 2008 at 7:45 pm20Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Err… my face is in reference to God’s FACE on Anne. Sorry, Anne.. He FACED you good.
on 22 Dec 2008 at 8:08 pm21Yo Yo Ma Ma

But do Jewish kids have any other catchy songs? After all, with eight days to fill, you’d think they had something.
on 22 Dec 2008 at 8:13 pm22God

Nun, that song stinks, but it is catchy. I gave it to them to ensure they would play that awful ‘game’ and know - really know - how super-lame their holiday is compared to Christmas.
on 22 Dec 2008 at 8:37 pm23Nun Ur Damned Bizness

I wish I was a Jew so I could be a recipient of Your Special Jew Love/Hate, God.
on 22 Dec 2008 at 8:38 pm24Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Also, God… I’m a little curious about something. Did Heat Miser lose some kind of bet to Snow Miser?
on 22 Dec 2008 at 8:51 pm25anne johnson

God can’t smite me. God can’t FACE me. I’m not Jewish, Muslim, or Xtian. Must say I’ve always felt sorry for the Jews. It sucks being God’s chosen people. And not just this time of year. All the time. Poor kids have to learn Hebrew. SUCKS.
on 22 Dec 2008 at 8:56 pm26Nun Ur Damned Bizness

I think it was a pretty good FACE as my ma practices Wicca and she is both a dingbat and a nutbag. My burro also used to practice Wicca and he is in possession of a nutbag and is a dingbat to boot.
on 22 Dec 2008 at 9:25 pm27Negro Jackson

Hey Guys,
I got back just in time to watch His Holiness FACE Anne.
Sorry Anne, but you got the FACE.

With that said, Anne, I want to win the lottery. Which of your faries and trees can grant me that wish?
on 22 Dec 2008 at 9:25 pm28Josh

MOTHER FUCKER!!!!!!!

My cover as Negro Jackson has been blown! I’ve totally Ben’d myself.
on 22 Dec 2008 at 9:31 pm29Yo Yo Ma Ma

Always spellcheck, Josh.

Anne, anyone I’ve met that had an ‘alternate’ religion was usually at least half a bubble off plumb. Sorry.
on 22 Dec 2008 at 9:38 pm30Yo Yo Ma Ma

A Hannukah video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kGOY3-BznZs

Note: The address contains the word ‘GOY’!

God, is this Your work?
on 22 Dec 2008 at 9:48 pm31God

NO! Of course not. How dare you suggest such a thing?!

It is the work of this scrum:
http://www.youtube.com/user/JeffAmerican
on 22 Dec 2008 at 9:52 pm32anne johnson

My bubbles are all perky and bright, thanks very much. Personally I think anyone who would worship God Almighty is out for a stroll on Loony Lane.

However, I will graciously accept the FACE, as this is God’s blog and he needs to be humored so he doesn’t smite the poor Jewish kids with more Torah memorization.
on 22 Dec 2008 at 10:07 pm33Roark

You’re on a stroll on Loony Lane.
on 22 Dec 2008 at 10:15 pm34anne johnson

WTF, Roark? Can’t think of a better comeback than to swipe me with my own paintbrush?
on 22 Dec 2008 at 10:16 pm35anne johnson

Try this one: God’s followers need a little lens cleaner for their bifocals.
on 22 Dec 2008 at 10:17 pm36anne johnson

Says so right in the Bible. They see “through a glass darkly.” I’d go straight to the optometrist about that.
on 22 Dec 2008 at 10:24 pm37Josh

Anne,
In order to undertand your religion a little better, I rented a copy of Legend. However I need a little help. If I touch a unicorn will I doom the world or win the lottery? Can I trade one of my eyes in for the ability to see the future like in Krull? I need super powers Anne! Which of the druid gods can give them to me!??!?!
on 22 Dec 2008 at 10:26 pm38Roark

FACE!
on 22 Dec 2008 at 10:28 pm39Josh

One more thing Anne,
YOu’re misquoting 1 Corinthians 13:12. It is not God’s servants who see the world though a “fuzzy” mirror or glass, it is all mankind because we are all mared by sin. That includes you, unless of course you are without sin. Then by all means cast the first stone.
on 22 Dec 2008 at 10:36 pm40Roark

Did you hear that Anne? You too are mared by sin.
on 23 Dec 2008 at 1:01 am41uppity cracka

yeah, we’ve all been mared. i hate being mared, especially by sin. unless it’s the kind of maring that nun’s always talking about.

shut up, ben.
on 23 Dec 2008 at 1:02 am42uppity cracka

oh, and negro jackson is a faggot.
on 23 Dec 2008 at 1:17 am43Nun Ur Damned Bizness

No, he isn’t. He’s black. Black people hate the gays. I feel bad for the rare and elusive black gay. I’m also fascinated by them.
on 23 Dec 2008 at 4:01 am44Christian The Jew

God,
Thank You for answering one of my greatest questions.
Thank You for hating me so much so that I can be loved by You.
All of the childhood guilt makes perfect sense now.

Shut up Ben
on 23 Dec 2008 at 5:38 am45Ben

wow, I guess telling me to shutup is really in vogue again. ok huh, I will totally shutup now and not say anything more. you are all going to miss my non-shutting-up. this blog is going to suck dick without me.
on 23 Dec 2008 at 5:39 am46Ben

you bastards have nothing original to say other than to tell me to shutup. you motherfuckers scared cooper away, you scared that british professor fucker away, and now you’ve scared me away.
on 23 Dec 2008 at 5:40 am47Ben

holy fuck! why can’t you people just have normal conversations like normal people about interesting things and ideas? why does it always come down to juvenile shit and pussies and dicks and telling me to shutup.

shut up, everybody
on 23 Dec 2008 at 5:44 am48The Grim Reaper

Ben, it’s because you always seem to ruin the mood.
on 23 Dec 2008 at 5:45 am49Hume Cronyn

Jewish children always have ashthma, could never play with the rest of us regular kids.
And Ben, you glorious dickhole who so richly deserves The Lord’s Unyielding Wrath, I’m one of the greatest actors of all time.
Also, shut up.
on 23 Dec 2008 at 5:52 am50Ben

I ruin the mood?? what mood are you talking about exactly. you’re the grim reaper and you never talk about anything grim or about your reaping. you just sound exactly like that master shake chump. be more funny@#$!!
on 23 Dec 2008 at 5:55 am51Ben

as for you Cronyn, I’m already twice the actor you ever were. now go back to getting your eyes eaten out by worms.
on 23 Dec 2008 at 5:57 am52Hume Cronyn

Ben’s just mad because he’s unliked and un-likable.
Shut up.
on 23 Dec 2008 at 6:01 am53Ben

what a witty retort. I am definitely liked around here. the regulars love me, because I’m one of them. this whole ’shutup ben’ thing is just one of our gimmicks, a joke.

by no means is it…at all serious…………..
on 23 Dec 2008 at 6:01 am54Hume Cronyn

Also, Ben, the silver hair on my droopy balls has more talent than you.
on 23 Dec 2008 at 6:02 am55Ben

your balls and your pubic hair were eaten by cockroaches a long, long time ago.
on 23 Dec 2008 at 6:04 am56Hume Cronyn

I see you offer no argument.
From my view in heaven, you have no balls, Ben.
on 23 Dec 2008 at 6:04 am57Ben

I have now edged out Smoggy for the #6 disciple spot. Take that sheepfucker.
on 23 Dec 2008 at 6:06 am58Hume Cronyn

Sheepfucker?
I fucked Tandy, you douche.
on 23 Dec 2008 at 6:06 am59Ben

Cronyn, just rip off all my jokes why don’t you. i said your balls were gone, how could your balls have more talent than me if you don’t have any balls? and then you comeback and say i don’t have any balls.

name one movie that you did that grossed more money than anyone of my movies.
on 23 Dec 2008 at 6:09 am60Ben

you can’t because all of my movies have been blockbuster hits you rotting corpse fucker.

only good movies you and your twitchy wife were ever in were Cocoon and Batteries not included and you both were piggybacking on the great performances by alien fish eggs and little flying robots.
on 23 Dec 2008 at 6:09 am61Hume Cronyn

Oh, Ben. Really?
Watching you stumble through Pearl Harbor made me want to fuck your grandmother.
on 23 Dec 2008 at 6:10 am62Hume Cronyn

My career puts your half assery to shame.
on 23 Dec 2008 at 6:11 am63Ben

you leave my grandmother out of this. Dolores Affleck never hurt anybody.
on 23 Dec 2008 at 6:13 am64Hume Cronyn

Also, Ben, your toupee is the worst piece of shit ever.
George Burns laughs at you, for fucks sake,
on 23 Dec 2008 at 6:14 am65Hume Cronyn

And you’re right, I never should have fucked Dolores’ mouth so rigorously.
on 23 Dec 2008 at 7:00 am66Hume Cronyn

Well, back to freebasing with Tandy and Gandhi.
on 23 Dec 2008 at 7:25 am67catmantoad

Tandy and Gandhi
Fuck behind the Pearly Gates
Hume watches and wanks
on 23 Dec 2008 at 7:25 am68catmantoad

Gigli and Ricki
Off to see the “real” Baywatch
Bless you my penis
on 23 Dec 2008 at 7:32 am69catmantoad

Pagan wannabe
Dancing with friends in the woods
Wishes it was real
on 23 Dec 2008 at 7:37 am70catmantoad

Nun smoking chiba
Makes me think of good old days
Friday, 4:20
on 23 Dec 2008 at 2:09 pm71substitute teacher

I’d like to know exactly what is more real about God Almighty’s religion than mine. You want a tree that will tell you a winning lottery number? It might be the same one from which came splinters of the true cross. If my religion is silly, how do you explain a man wearing a crown and a gown, and people reaching out to touch him like he’s gonna cure them of disease? Either all religions are silly or none of them are. I choose to believe that no religion is silly if it makes its followers feel better.

shut up, Ben.
on 23 Dec 2008 at 2:28 pm72Yo Yo Ma Ma

Stop piercing your navels and straighten up, all of you!
on 23 Dec 2008 at 2:34 pm73Yo Yo Ma Ma

Ben, please drop the whiny actor persona and tell us something interesting about yourself.
on 23 Dec 2008 at 2:36 pm74Yo Yo Ma Ma

The days are getting longer,
the frog is getting flat.
Please put a pickle in the old man’s hat.
If you have no pickle, a sheeple will do,
If you have no sheeple, then Bog Bless you!
on 23 Dec 2008 at 3:03 pm75Roark

Anne Johnson,

All religions are silly.
on 23 Dec 2008 at 3:22 pm76Josh

Anne,
My point is all religions are silly, you’re is just super silly!!!! Shazam!!! or whatever fairy folk say when they poof in a puff of smoke.
on 23 Dec 2008 at 3:42 pm77Roark

face
on 23 Dec 2008 at 3:58 pm78Yo Yo Ma Ma

Josh, just don’t make fun of the FSM.

RAmen.
on 23 Dec 2008 at 4:57 pm79Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Jessica Tandy was in Fried Green Tomatoes and that was NOT a sucky film.
on 23 Dec 2008 at 5:11 pm80Josh

Yo yo,
I would never dream of making fun of FSM or his pirate followers. We all know pirates are running things in Africa. But you do have to question the power of a diety that can be killed with a giant spoon and fork.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m8RXDwcx7MU
on 23 Dec 2008 at 5:28 pm81Yo Yo Ma Ma

Ah, but by ingesting the Body of the FSM, we become the FSM!

maybe I’ll worship Invisible Pink Ponies…
on 23 Dec 2008 at 5:29 pm82Josh

to quote nun, “fag”
on 23 Dec 2008 at 5:39 pm83Yo Yo Ma Ma

Huh? Body of Christ, Body of FSM. potato potahto.
on 23 Dec 2008 at 5:40 pm84Yo Yo Ma Ma

Someone is trying to blend Christmas and Hannukah with this dreidel: http://failblog.org/2008/12/20/hanukkah-fail/
on 23 Dec 2008 at 5:57 pm85Nun Ur Damned Bizness

I like ponies, fag.
on 23 Dec 2008 at 6:03 pm86Yo Yo Ma Ma

…so did Catherine the Great…
on 23 Dec 2008 at 6:03 pm87substitute teacher

Nobody in my religion disappears in a puff of smoke. That’s Hollywood. And there’s as much evidence that King Arthur existed as there is that Jesus existed. Both are expected to come back some day.
on 23 Dec 2008 at 6:08 pm88uppity cracka

johnson, we’ve gone over all this before. your religion is just as reasonable and reality-based as any other religion. but your argument that any religion is valuable if it makes its followers feel better is ridiculous. beheading infidels makes me feel great! does it make it right? also, i tried eating chocolate cake for every meal because i love the way it makes me feel. got sick. i believe that i’ll have another drink and you must respect my beliefs. because i call my beliefs “religion”.
on 23 Dec 2008 at 6:08 pm89Nun Ur Damned Bizness

I like ponies a lot. I would like to have a pony if God chooses to bless me with one.
on 23 Dec 2008 at 6:10 pm90Yo Yo Ma Ma

Nun, buy a Happy Meal at McDonalds - this month’s toy is ‘My Little Pony’.
on 23 Dec 2008 at 6:10 pm91Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Religion is supposed to help one on one’s spiritual journey. If it does help the person on their spiritual journey then it is valuable. It’s when religions get pushy with their beliefs, discount other religions, or practice hypocrisy that the problems arise.
on 23 Dec 2008 at 6:12 pm92Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Shut up, HomoYo. I want a real pony. Not one of those gay ponies that my tranny friends love.
on 23 Dec 2008 at 6:13 pm93Yo Yo Ma Ma

“Both are expected to come back some day.” So, can I laugh at both?
on 23 Dec 2008 at 6:15 pm94Yo Yo Ma Ma

shut up nun
on 23 Dec 2008 at 6:16 pm95Yo Yo Ma Ma

And keep your pervy fantasies to yourself.
on 23 Dec 2008 at 6:19 pm96Nun Ur Damned Bizness

I don’t want to fuck a pony you fucking pervert.
on 23 Dec 2008 at 6:23 pm97Josh

Anne,
Let me say I like you, but you do come here and poke fun at God, so a little ribbing your way would be expected. and this blog is full of idiots fools who like to laugh. it’s why there are regulars like a guy who fucks sheep and Ben Affleck who fucks us all with movies like Paycheck and reindeer Games.

SHAZAM!!!! (I think Druids where behind that movie)
on 23 Dec 2008 at 6:27 pm98Yo Yo Ma Ma

“I don’t want to fuck a pony…”

What if it was a black pony?
on 23 Dec 2008 at 6:28 pm99Josh

moral dilemma FACE!!!
on 23 Dec 2008 at 6:28 pm100Josh

is it me?
on 23 Dec 2008 at 6:33 pm101Tony Snow

It is effing you, Josh!
on 23 Dec 2008 at 6:34 pm102Yo Yo Ma Ma

There can only be one.
on 23 Dec 2008 at 6:41 pm103Nun Ur Damned Bizness

There’s actually more than one retard that care about the post numbers. Silly mortals. Don’t you all know that God can change the post numbers to be what He deems appropriate?
on 23 Dec 2008 at 6:47 pm104Josh

yes He can. But I love Him and pray He will let me stay at 100.

http://www.amazon.com/Accoutrements-Cold-War-Unicorn-Set/dp/B000GPYLW2
on 23 Dec 2008 at 6:49 pm105Tony Snow

There’s only one kind of number that
really matters to lots of us …

Amirite? Nun?
on 23 Dec 2008 at 6:50 pm106Tony Snow

I’m getting number as I write this
on 23 Dec 2008 at 6:51 pm107Josh

church whore SMITE!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XsH9eKW0u-g&eur
on 23 Dec 2008 at 7:03 pm108Yo Yo Ma Ma

Tony, cracka’s been getting number all afternoon, now he’s comfortably numb.
on 23 Dec 2008 at 7:24 pm109substitute teacher

I know I’m awfully hard on God, but damn. He hates Jewish kids! That’s so effen mean! There they are, working their little butts off to learn Hebrew, and God hates them? I wish I could do a SHAZAM and make every little Jewish kid a happy Druid kid with a winning lottery ticket!

Speaking of winning lottery tickets, there was a Wiccan guy who won the $30 million Powerball. I am still looking for the tree who gave him those numbers.
on 23 Dec 2008 at 7:25 pm110Nun Ur Damned Bizness

420 is my favorite number and I love ponies.
on 23 Dec 2008 at 7:27 pm111substitute teacher

As for the FSM, it’s just the newest god on the block. It’s got a very important purpose — to remind the good folks on the Kansas Board of Education that if you’re going to teach science based on one religion’s textbook, then you’ve also gotta teach according to the FSM’s textbook. Which is that we should obey our Noodly Master, RAmen.

Arrrghghghghg! School’s out for Christmas! Ooops, I mean Faerie Fest!
on 23 Dec 2008 at 7:27 pm112Yo Yo Ma Ma

Ahhh, but God hates everyone. By hating us all, He shows His Holy Love for us.
on 23 Dec 2008 at 7:29 pm113substitute teacher

2:30 is my favorite number. I’m going to the thrift store!

Ponies are sweet, but unicorns don’t poop.
on 23 Dec 2008 at 7:30 pm114substitute teacher

Now this is what I mean. Why would you think God loves you if he just hates on you?
on 23 Dec 2008 at 7:31 pm115Yo Yo Ma Ma

This is one of the Mysteries.
on 23 Dec 2008 at 7:31 pm116substitute teacher

He’s always damning me. I don’t feel the love.

and BTW, God. Enough with the dry skin! Stop smiting my skin!
on 23 Dec 2008 at 7:32 pm117Yo Yo Ma Ma

And I, personally, have never seen logic in religion. Any religion.
on 23 Dec 2008 at 7:32 pm118Nun Ur Damned Bizness

God is so cool. He’s a Divine Enigma.
on 23 Dec 2008 at 7:41 pm119Josh

Anne,
God loves the ones He hates because the opposite of love is not hate it’s apathy. He cares enough about us to devote some of His divine time and emotions to write a blog about it, or if was are lucky to smite us, either directly or by taking His divine time to search youtube! That’s caring!

PS - i think the tree that gave that druid guy the winning numbers was cut down by other fairies.
on 23 Dec 2008 at 7:57 pm120Yo Yo Ma Ma

Josh, I was talking to the tree after it was cut down: “They took my limbs and threw them over there! And they took my trunk and threw it over there!
on 23 Dec 2008 at 10:51 pm121anne johnson

*Anne weeps* Alas, poor lotto tree!
on 23 Dec 2008 at 11:06 pm122anne johnson

God is a divine enema!

Yeah, yeah, I know I’m pushing my luck way past the breaking point.
on 24 Dec 2008 at 12:03 am123Josh

Anne,
You’re weeping for a tree? you’re like that Indian guy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m4ozVMxzNAA
on 24 Dec 2008 at 4:30 am124Nun Ur Damned Bizness

HA!! Did anybody check out the comments for that video? DMB426 or something like that has a classic line regarding the modern plight of the red man… “cause we did them bogus” Right on, dude, right on. We did do them bogus. Fucking crackas!!
on 24 Dec 2008 at 6:08 am125Hume Cronyn

Indians are the worst lightweights, though, can hardly hold their liquor.
No wonder John Wayne kicked their asses and a pussy like Costner got along with them…
Their bitches are hot though, and if you’ve ever scored some Native American poon, you know what I’m talking about.
on 24 Dec 2008 at 12:15 pm126anne johnson

I read somewhere that the dude in the commercial is a Jewish actor from the Bronx. Word. God must loathe Jews who pretend to be Native Americans — a double whammy.
on 24 Dec 2008 at 1:53 pm127Yo Yo Ma Ma

“…you’ve ever scored some Native American poon…”

1/16 th.
on 24 Dec 2008 at 2:04 pm128uppity cracka

squaw
on 24 Dec 2008 at 2:31 pm129Yo Yo Ma Ma

She’s Caucasian by injection…
on 24 Dec 2008 at 2:50 pm130uppity cracka

yo pumped so much cracker semen into her that it backed up into her brain and now she’s 15/16ths white.

good job, yo.

merry pretend-there’s-a-messiah-so-that-we-can-compartmentalize-our-existence-day, everybody!!!!
on 24 Dec 2008 at 2:51 pm131uppity cracka

if it makes me feel better, it’s invaluable…like a 30 year single malt.
on 24 Dec 2008 at 4:05 pm132uppity cracka

happy faggy-hippy-dead-guy-mas!!
on 24 Dec 2008 at 4:32 pm133Yo Yo Ma Ma

Damned straight! A thing to be treasured, and savored.
on 24 Dec 2008 at 4:44 pm134Nun Ur Damned Bizness

It’s uncouth for a bigoted cracka to say “faggy”, Cracka. Besides, our Brit lurkers probably wonder why we’re always talking about cigarettes.
on 24 Dec 2008 at 4:50 pm135Yo Yo Ma Ma

So that’s what you’ve been nattering about, Nun.
on 24 Dec 2008 at 4:52 pm136Yo Yo Ma Ma

Check out this blog, seems to be about someone who believes in faeireis and YooEffOoos and other such stuff.
http://beyondtheblog.wordpress.com/
on 24 Dec 2008 at 8:32 pm137anne johnson

Born in a manger
Died on a cross
Never saw quarterbacks
Sacked for a loss.
on 24 Dec 2008 at 9:03 pm138Nun Ur Damned Bizness

WooHoo! You go, you lefty liberal tree-hugger types.

http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2008-12-23-literatecities_N.htm?se=yahoorefer
on 25 Dec 2008 at 3:08 am139Douche bag

Happiest of holidays to all!
on 25 Dec 2008 at 4:45 pm140anne johnson

Odd that we have literate contributors here who root for the Vikings and the Seahawks…
on 25 Dec 2008 at 7:32 pm141Tony Snow

Deer Anne,

The strange connection between
literacy and football is just one of
God’s many miracles …
see the 4th post on this site:

http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/
on 25 Dec 2008 at 9:03 pm142Ben

Merry Christmas fellow heathens!
on 26 Dec 2008 at 4:07 am143Douche bag

anne, it could be worse. They could be Detroit Lions fans. Shit, I hope I spelled that right. Too much serious eggnog!
on 26 Dec 2008 at 5:03 am144Nun Ur Damned Bizness

The love of a professional sport is indeed odd. Especially if the lover of said sport has a fair amount of intelligence. I don’t know what it is about football but I love it. I like other sports but no other captures my heart as American football. I like the sounds you hear in an NFL game. Maybe some people like the smack of a bat hitting a baseball but I like the sound of guys getting tackled. Pad on pad, helmet on helmet. It’s music to my ears.

As for loving the Vikings and the Seahawks… we’re loyal, Anne… that’s a good quality to have. Fair weather fans suck ass.

Merry Jesus’ not real birthday, Benny boy. I hope you’re taking good care of your very fat wife. Your daughter’s adorable but doesn’t it bother you that they put her on covers of magazines? Or are you like Cruise and so desperate for attention that you’ll whore out your own spawn?
on 26 Dec 2008 at 5:08 am145Ben

Amen on the football tip Nun.

As for your other questions, fuck you bliznatch!
on 26 Dec 2008 at 5:12 am146Nun Ur Damned Bizness

I just followed Tony’s link… if Jon Kitna was there when Jesus created football, why is he such a crappy player?
on 26 Dec 2008 at 5:33 am147Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Poor Ben. So desperate for attention. Use your kid, Ben. She really is adorable. Use the next one too. Seriously, that seems to be what ol’ Tommy boy is doing.
on 26 Dec 2008 at 5:51 am148Tony Snow

Nun,

The following may help explain the
“why” thing … God just doesn’t
give a rat’s ass about anything!

http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2008/12/god-explains-week-16-of-the-nfl.html
on 26 Dec 2008 at 6:21 am149Nun Ur Damned Bizness

I think smiting playoff wishes is a very good use of God’s Time and is proof of God’s Divine Love/Hate. But it doesn’t really explain why Kitna sucks major butthole when he sets foot on a football field.

I also think our God should go kick that fake god’s ass for impersonating Him. Our God is much better.
on 26 Dec 2008 at 3:13 pm150uppity cracka

THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE AND A HALF!!
on 26 Dec 2008 at 3:32 pm151uppity cracka

congratulations on living with a bunch of elitist intellectual snobs, nun. i’ve often wondered how we came to be a country that uses the word intellectual as a pejorative. this guy can’t be the president! he’s too intellectual! wtf? don’t we want the president to be smart? i heard a mcdonald’s commercial where the speaker claims that before mcdonald’s started serving lattes she was hanging out in an expensive coffeehouse reading french impressionist novels and listening to classical music, now she can go back to watching reality tv and reading gossip magazines, thanks mcdonald’s!! really? mcdonald’s can now take credit for making people fat AND stupid and can even brag about it. at least we’re not intellectual!! fuck.
on 26 Dec 2008 at 5:35 pm152Evangelist Curtis

Happy Boxing Day! Happy belated birthday, JC. I always wanted to ask what was up with your folks when you were born. I mean, who plans a road trip over Christmas and doesn’t book a room in advance. Geesh! How dumb can you get.

I asked Santa for a burro, but he didn’t deliver. God. Why oh why did you take Eartha Kitt from us?

Anne, Cracka - cheeseburger, fries, and cheesy cauliflower soup (basically fondue).
on 26 Dec 2008 at 6:36 pm153uppity cracka

hahaha!!! fondue!!!!!

what kind of heathens work on the day after christmas?! isn’t this day supposed to be set aside for boxing??
on 26 Dec 2008 at 7:06 pm154Evangelist Curtis

Unfortunately, sick people don’t take the holidays off.

Stupid job.
on 26 Dec 2008 at 7:47 pm155Nun Ur Damned Bizness

I was supposed to work today but God smited my chains.
on 26 Dec 2008 at 9:44 pm156catmantoad

A nun without chains
Is like Condi plus Yo-Yo
Haiku punchline gold
on 27 Dec 2008 at 12:10 am157anne johnson

I fucking hate this holiday, but I don’t blame Jesus. He inherited it from Mithras. Fuck you, Mithras!
on 27 Dec 2008 at 12:11 am158anne johnson

Nun, be careful. If God smites the chain to your chastity belt, you might wind up with a Messiah to raise.
on 27 Dec 2008 at 3:14 pm159anne johnson

What is christianity?
A: It is the belief that a two-
thousand-year-old jewish zombie
can make you live forever if
you symbolically eat his flesh
and telepathically tell him that
you accept him as your master,
so he can remove an evil force
from your soul that is present
in humanity because a rib-woman
was convinced by a talking snake
to eat an apple off a magical
tree in a wonderland.
on 27 Dec 2008 at 7:27 pm160Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Anybody ever see that movie ‘Wonderland’ about the Four on the Floor murders in L.A. in 1981? That’s a great fucking movie.
on 27 Dec 2008 at 7:38 pm161Jessica Tandy

Aside from Lisa Kudrow being horribly miscast, it was decent.
Lots of blow and violence, which is always entertaining.
on 27 Dec 2008 at 8:07 pm162Nun Ur Damned Bizness

I thought Lisa Kudrow pulled that role off quite admirably. What about it did you not like?

I like the viciousness of the attack and the skull thrashings but I do feel bad for any family members of the victims as they showed actual crime scene photos of the victims.
on 27 Dec 2008 at 8:18 pm163Jessica Tandy

Just thought Kudrow was emotionally stilted in her scenes with Kilmer.
She did well when talking with his young blond lover, Kate Whatshername, and one could sense the empathy.
The robbery and the aftermath — the repercussions — were startlingly graphic for sure.
Kilmer did well as Holmes turning into a serious coke fiend.
Loved the scene where he showed up, sat around, did a bunch of blow and then just left.
on 27 Dec 2008 at 8:54 pm164Nun Ur Damned Bizness

YES! Kilmer’s performance was brilliant and I loved those same scenes. I’ve known people like that and I’ll bet Kilmer has too.
on 27 Dec 2008 at 9:25 pm165Jessica Tandy

I think he was method acting.
on 28 Dec 2008 at 1:14 am166Jessica Tandy

I wonder what God thinks of Kilmer?
From Top Secret to Tombstone and beyond, and now as the voice of Kitt on Knight Rider.
And lest ye forget, Ice Man in Top Gun, besting the world’s most intense diminutive actor.
on 28 Dec 2008 at 11:19 pm167Tony Snow

Also of note, “The Doors”

Val nailed the vocals so well
that even Oliver Stone had
trouble knowing what was Jim
and what was voiceover.
on 29 Dec 2008 at 4:11 am168Hume Cronyn

Kilmer nailed Morrison no doubt.
“The End” was supreme.
Don’t forget his role as Elvis in “True Romance,”
where he urged Clarence to shoot Drexl, his new
wife’s pimp.
on 29 Dec 2008 at 2:25 pm169uppity cracka

i’ve always thought kilmer was underrated. on the merits of doc holliday and jim morrison alone he should get all kinds of cred.

glad that stupid fucking holiday is over. could anything be more overblown and kitschy than xmas? stupid america.
on 30 Dec 2008 at 4:36 am170Jackson

WHOOOOAAAAA
God has spoken and the chosen people are dodging lightning bolts. But, Jewish people have lots of great things going for them. They have excellent Math skills and always will stop to point you to the nearest deli whenever your in Manhattan.

I do know one thing God doesn’t like - people who waste opportunity. Check out

http://knowledgebasket.blogspot.com/

You might learn something even God doesn’t know (yet, he will after he reads this)
on 23 Jul 2009 at 4:51 am171Jandro

Sucks!