Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
Today I would like to talk about something that makes Me extremely furious – the fact that I am banned from public schools in the USA.
I take this as an insult. In fact, it is as if America has spit in My Holy Face and kicked Me in My Divine Balls. I punish America every day for this blasphemous effrontery.
ADHD, overcrowding, the obesity epidemic, gangs, drunk and high pedophile teachers, school shootings, retards, schools burning down by the hundreds and thousands, killer squirrels – these are all common problems facing American education today and they all exist solely because you have all insulted Almighty God and incurred My Wrath.
I guess you could say that I tend to react badly to insults. Remember the Titanic? The designer boasted that not even “God himself could sink it.” HA! That’s what you people get for testing Me.
Oh, I know there are plenty of private parochial schools where I am heavily involved in the curriculum. But that’s nothing. I still can’t go near 90% of American schools.
What am I anyway? Some kind of pedophile? You have to keep Me away from your kids?! You fucking assholes! I’M ALMIGHTY GOD!
Don’t you know I need new humans to believe in Me to feed My power?! And the only way to make them believe in Me is to get at them while they’re young. Childhood is the most important time in a human’s life in which to indoctrinate them. By denying Me the chance to get inside their little heads and scare the holy bejezus out of them, it significantly increases the chances they will not be terrified of Me for the rest of their lives.
And if they don’t fear Me, how can they ever love Me? The answer is simple - they will not. Without a healthy
fear of Me, these children will quite naturally become awful, immoral adults and engage in every manner of sin.
You have only one choice America. If you wish to see an end to the laziness and the fatness and the stupidity and the bloodshed, you will put Me back into your public schools. If you do this, I promise you that within twelve months you will see a marked decrease in teen pregnancy, suicide, and shootings. But if you do not, you will only see these problems get worse. Ever wondered what a 6-year-old girl high on meth shooting up her kindergarden because she doesn’t have a ‘High School Musical’ backpack looks like? You won’t have to for long.
Here is what I require:
1. Have the children pray to Me every morning. Don’t call it a moment of silence to just do whatever. That’s lame. Give the kids ten minutes to pray to God from the Bible. They’ll know who you’re talking about. Also, tell them not to waste My time asking for an A on their stupid spelling test. I’m not gonna listen to that shit. They need to spend that time praising My Name.
2. Replace all Sex Education classes with God Education classes. Here students will learn about all the bad-ass killings I’ve done in the past and all the super-awesome miracles I’ve pulled.
3. No more teaching evolution. That’s out. Instead, creationism will be taught. It’s not just a theory, it’s a fact. Also, abstinence.
If I’m good enough for your money, your pledge, and all that other stuff, I should be good enough for your schools. Mull it over America, and let Me know. You have 24 hours to decide.
freebiesss on 
TheEvilOverlord on 
God on 
Craig on 
samanta on 
ShunRenHu on 
Join My Cause:
http://apps.facebook.com/causes/4708?m=7bf7bab2
And donate some money you cheap bastards. That group has 366,110 members and only 360 measly dollars have been donated. OPPROBRIOUS!
Dear God,
Thank You for letting me be educated in a Christian School and for being forced to learn my Bible from cover to cover. It is the experience that has made me the Smoggy Batzrubble I am today and I have treasured memories. I am grateful for the regular canings I received, as I know for certain that if you spare the rod you spoil the child–and I will be sure to beat my own children as a consequence. I am also grateful for the knowledge I gained at five that there is a fiery hell of eternal damnation that is the sure and certain destination of me and all of my ilk (thank you Sister M.). It was also good to hear about how much You hate Your creation, and the fact that none of us is perfectible. Thank You for teaching me that women are completely to blame for original sin and that they are faithless whores. Thank You also for Father F’s abstinence education and for my own private little sticky bottom parties with him behind the altar. Truly You are good and Your word is wise.
Good one, God !!!
As Oscar Hammerstein once said,
you can’t learn to hate on your own …
You’ve got to be taught
To hate and fear,
You’ve got to be taught
From year to year,
It’s got to be drummed
In your dear little ear
You’ve got to be carefully taught.
You’ve got to be taught to be afraid
Of people whose eyes are oddly made,
And people whose skin is a diff’rent shade,
You’ve got to be carefully taught.
You’ve got to be taught before it’s too late,
Before you are six or seven or eight,
To hate all the people your relatives hate,
You’ve got to be carefully taught
DAMN RIGHT!! I AGREE WITH ALL OF IT!!
AND I WILL SMITE ANYONE WHO DOESN’T!!!!
DIE HEATHEN SCUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nicely sang, Tony! I’m putting together a bus-and-truck version of ‘South Pacific’ to tour the hinterlands, would you be interested in playing Lt. Cable?
Cracka, let’s you ‘n me organize a hate and destroy event at the local schools. Put God back in the classroom!
I joined your cause oh great and almighty.
One question? Who is stronger?!
You… or the Flying Spaghetti Monster?
Randomlink,
Pirates got nothing on God’s followers who are willing to kill and ram trucks into bitches at God’s say so. nuff said.
Smoggy - You’re welcome. More thrashings to come.
Randomblink - How dare you even ask that! There is no such thing as a flying pasta monster and nothing is more powerful than I.
But the godlessness of my high school is precisely what led to all the drug use, violence and casual sex.
If we had had god in school I wouldn’t have had any fun.
thomas, without God in your school you would have had no ether or whiskey or strictly vaginal intercourse, you know, so…yeah…fuck off okay?
holy shit, smoggy, i guess now we know why you fuck sheep.
But… but… but… Jefferson said so. Sorry god, Thomas Jefferson > Jesus. (How many blasphemy points do I get for that one?)
Don’t fuck around with the killer squirrels on missions from God. I learned the hard way that they’re much more dangerous than they appear.
not even the holy hand grenade of antioch can damage a wired platoon of militant squirrels.
Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers!
“What am I anyway? Some kind of pedophile? You have to keep Me away from your kids?! You fucking assholes! I’M ALMIGHTY GOD!”
That just about says it all.
no, roark, your fucking face just about says it all, asshole!!!! consider yourself smited.
SMIIIIIIIITE!!!!!!!!!!
Never mind Cracka, Roark. He’s just mad because his penis is tiny and yours isn’t.
Did you watch that movie, Cracka?
fuuuuuuuuckkkk
yooooouuuuuuuu
i watched it, nun. i watched the extended version and it didn’t seem very different to me. if people have really strong feelings about it they are probably mentally ill and should find a way to deal with their obsessive disorders. that being said, it’s good because it’s the x files. if they don’t make any more movies, then it was average. if it’s the first in a trilogy of post series movies, then it could be considered really good depending on the next one. i’d like some alien shit to go down again. that’d be good fun.
Everybody wants the aliens. I’d be happy with another Donnie Pfasteresque villian. Donnie Pfaster was so fucking cool!! In a really evil sort of way.
I like the extended version because it showed the things you’d expect to see in a situation like that… bloody incisions, headless female bodies, chopped up body parts, dude getting his face smashed in by a tiny woman and a 2×4. I prefer the extended version.
I don’t get the strong feelings either but mentally ill would probably fit the bill.
i thought it was a 90 minute ep with no commercials.
If you’re one of the fans who jerks off to Scully and Molder kissing then it was great. If you like the alien shit and the great arching story then it was average. at the end I was a bit sad, no grand conspiracy, just cameos…..
I was also pissed because in the trailer it shows Father Joe’s eye are BLACK!! like in the series, then I watch it and the mother fucker is bleeding out his eyes! I wanted some alien eye oil!
dont hate me nun.
Josh,
I didn’t expect a blockbuster-F/X type flick. I expected an X-Files episode and I wasn’t disappointed. I learned with Return of the Jedi that expectations will only leave you disappointed(Ewoks?! Really??) so I had no expectations and I was not disappointed. Okay, okay… I didn’t particularly care for the sappy scenes. I believe the two characters belong to each other but I’m not particularly interested in seeing it. The sappy scenes seem easier to take on a television screen and when they’re combined with the extended version. I knew the black oil would not make an appearance and I always knew that was blood. If you weren’t a retarded chinky-chong, you would have known that too.
[...] GOD - Stuff God Hates. Posted in Skepquote. Tags: child abuse, God, indoctrination. [...]
Joke about this all you want but the truth remains that ever since prayer was taken out of public schools teen pregnancy rates have gone through the roof!
and ever since I stopped using crest the ice caps have been melting at an alarming rate!!!!!
Bridgette, you need to learn what direct correlation means and understand that society as a whole has chnged since the 50s, and the many many changes have contributed to peopel having sex at a yougner age, divorce, and other things. None of which have a direct correlation with prayer being removed from schools.
now if you’ll excuse me I just ate and I have to brush with crst so I can save the world.
oh yeah BTW - teen preganayc rates have been on the decline for the past 15 years. So Bridgy, spew your propaganda to idiots who don’t know better. (only time is increased in the last 15 years was 2005 to 2006 and that was a small increase of 21 pregnancies per 1,000 to 22).
I leave you with this little tidbit:
Proponents of a school prayer amendment claim reintroducing prayer will check the country’s” declining moral values.” Some, like former Secretary of Education William Bennett blame the 1962 decision, Engel v. Vitale, banning official prayer from public schools, for everything from low SAT scores to high teenage pregnancy rates. But many educators and other experts tell us that these problems flow from the enormous and increasing gulf in wealth and opportunity and education, between the richest and poorest people in our society. A one-minute prayer or moment of silence in school everyday will do nothing to change that.
wow. bridgette hasn’t learned anything since she first started posting here. she’s still so incredibly fucking stupid that her capillaries expand involuntarily making her fat face some turn some hideous shade of red becaase her nervous system is ashamed of being controlled by her brain. plus, she’s dumb enough to take pictures of the anomoly. and i think that’s as obvious as homosexuality causing hurricanes and terrorist attacks.
everyone is free to pray to whatever imaginary bullshit they please. the idea is that the school system can’t tell individuals that they have to pray to a specific god at a specific time. it’s called freedom, cud-chewer.
my typey get whacked out. “fat face turn some hideous..” and this is how you spell because.
Hey I watched Coming to America (again) last night, that crap was rated R in the 80s! Now it would be PG-13 (there are a lot of African titties!)
Did anyone else here love the movie Soul Man?
Soul Man is a stupid movie, Josh and the more you talk about the movies you like, the more I realize why you weren’t that into The X-Files. And Bridgette is just as retarded as you. I think she actually believes some of this shit she writes and I wonder if she’ll ever be capable of thinking for herself and not just repeating what she’s been told.
I like Soul Man Josh. Good flick. James Earl Jones and C. Thomas Howell. They should have made more movies together.
Oh, and shutup Bridgette.
yeah, shut up, ben…i mean bridgette.
no, i mean ben.
Nun,
here is where I disagree with you. Soul Man was a movie that was ahead of it’s time. It addressed a bunch of issues on race that are still alive and well today in a way that did not talk down to people. It also addressed white privildge and how that affects (effects?) minorities. I recommend you have your son watch it, it talks about things that mixed kids go through in a way other mediums can not and other movies will not.
http://www.nypress.com/article-18899-our-soul-man.html
http://seamonkey.ed.asu.edu/~mcisaac/emc598ge/Unpacking.html
I’m sad you did not like that movie, I think you’re pretty smart for a person with a virgina, and you usually see things on multiple levels.
Maybe I couldn’t get past Pony-Boy in black-face.
I admit, C Thomas Howl’s black guy was crazy, and If I was a mixed kid and not a ching ching then more than once I would have been told by white people that I looked like him.
But the message of the film was very powerful.
That’s where the film trumps the audience’s assumptions. Mark admits, “No, sir. I don’t. I don’t know what it really feels like, sir. If I didn’t like it, I could always get out. It’s not the same, sir.” At last, the old sentiments of passing-for-white dramas are quashed. Soul Man penetrates that self-serving fallacy that also panders to popular notions of expediency to offer, instead, a modern reproof of pompous white privilege.
C. Thomas Howell was banging Rae Dawn Chong when he made that movie. He was just trying to fit in with the homeys.
ha!
Then he picked the wrong way to do it. That movie was seen as racist and the NAACP called for a ban, when in fact the movie made fun of everyone who was a racist, from the assholes who tell racist jokes to the people who assume he’s good at basketball because he is black.
BTW - Anyone who banged Rae Dawn Chong is A ok in my book, she is one of the hottest hotties.
C. Thomas Howell wasn’t the brightest crayon in the box. I think a lot of people had a hard time looking past the black-face, Josh.
And those people were retarded and racist. The NAACP is a bunch of racist morons. They still call black people coloreds for Christ’s sake!
Nun,
Rewatch the movie. I know when it came out we were both pretty young. They hit on so many levels, and so many of the issues that we still face.
Ben,
I have a joke about that, I talk abotu how the NAACP had a funeral for the word nigger but they still use colored, and colored is much much worse. If some calls you a nigger you might get in a fight, but when you hear colored you just might get lynched.
It’s funnier on stage in a longer version (I hope)
in the immortal words of the unpleasant jew:
josh is a faggot.
Josh,
There are much better ways for me to spend my time… watching The X-Files movie again, flicking my bean, flogging my burro, pulling my teeth out one by one. So, you see, I just don’t have the time to watch Soul Man.
oh cracka,
you so cragee.
‘cragee’?
Retarded speak for “crazy”, Yo.
Ahhhh…You’re right, I shoulda considered the source.
Where’s Curtis? I haven’t heard his lunch menu in awhile.
I think he’s mad at God for not hating the Mormons.
I think he realized that he admitted to wearing patchouli oil.
He smells like hippies.
But he’s gay - doesn’t he get a special dispensation?
Did anyone else notice that killer squirrel is now wearing a cross?
Roark,
He was always wearing a cross, it’s just now your faith allows you to see it.
All praise be to God!
Is anybody else looking at that gun-toting squirrel and thinking that he might actually be a prairie dog?
I would love to start each of my days in public school with a prayer. I could bring in a little oak seedling and chant over it, ritually water it, and invoke the blessings of the faeries on my day to come. I guess I could also decorate my classroom with pictures of faeries. That would be nice.
The gun-toting squirrel is a prairie dog in photoshop.
Somehow it makes me happy to know that Bridgette comes here and reads this stuff. Bridgette, you’re a trooper.
… or is it trouper? Not sure on that one.
It’s insanity, Anne.
Bridgette swims out to troop ships.
FACE!
Anne Johnson, a prairie dog IS a squirrel. God has made His squirrels in many shapes and sizes, so that we may complete any task He gives us with the utmost efficiency.
everyone knows that
squirrels and prairie dogs are
just designer rats
I never argue with killer squirrels. They’re the only animal I’ve ever seen stand up to my macaw. Now if they would just kill the macaw, I might believe in God.
None of God’s Divine Orders command us to neutralize your macaw, and we do not undertake such operations on our own lest we displease our Almighty Commander-In-Chief by depriving Him of a glorious smiting.
Yeah, God realized what a fuck-up that whole “free will” thing was with His precious man so He didn’t make that mistake with His killer squirrels/prairie dogs.
Oh, we have free will, but we are also fuzzy soldiers of God. While on-duty, we follow all orders to the letter.
And it’s never a good idea to get between God and one of His Divine Smitings. Seriously. That’s why we generally harm no one unless told to; the LORD giveth awesome squirrel-sized weapons, and the LORD can taketh away.
God, I know America has a shitty school system, but if You go to Australia it is even worse. Sure, we don’t the school shootings but our children are even fatter and getting more obese by the nanosecond. Furthermore, I never quite understood why both Sex Ed and Your Divine Word are taught at the same schools. Maybe I could obtain some purity rings and force every student worldwide to wear them, and only serve healthy food in school canteens and cafeterias, then progress will be made.
so….The Grim Reaper is from Australia then? Well that explains a lot.
Hey Smoggy Buttmumble,
How does it feel to be the least important disciple?
Yeah, I’m moving on up to #6 bitch.
You fucking sheepfucker.
ben, you will always be the least important, you special little guy….now, shut up.
Fuck, Ben is catching up to me.
Shut up Ben.
Josh, do you do any holiday-oriented humour? A riff on fruitcake (survives nuclear war!), relatives (how about them ching-chongs?), and decorating (how do the lights get so tangled when they don’t get touched all year?)
I’ll be appearing at Milliways (points to those who understand the reference)
wow, yoyo’s reeeeeeeeeally old. and his whole brain is blue-balled. if anyone has aged gracefully, my good man…
Negative points?
I spent the last 576,000,003,579 years parking cars.
The first ten million years were the worst, and the second ten million years, they were the worst too. The third ten million I didn’t enjoy at all. After that I went into a bit of a decline.
Ben, it’s a reference to The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Universe. Now if you all will excuse me, I have this terrible pain in my diodes on my left side.
I meant Galaxy.
Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Universe? Never heard of it.
God,
Please bless my boss for giving me that kick-ass holiday bonus even though the business will probably crumble under the weight of the economy!!
Nun,
I will not bless him. He is not as altruistic as you think.
He is merely trying to get into your womb and mouth.
Yo yo,
I don’t have any holiday humor as I don’t celebrate any of that crap and never did.
I even hate how X mas is all up in my business, with special christmas themed eps. I know that “St. Nick” is just another pagan sucker trying to steal God’s almighty thunder.
Ben,
Never heard of Hitchikers Guide? Even with the shitty movie they made with Mos Def?
What’s sad is God is completely right. He’s been trying it for two years and even banged my mom. No, I’m not kidding.
Josh,
I like that movie.
Okay peeps… Plasma or LCD? What say you all?
OF COURSE I’M RIGHT! I’M OMNISCIENT!
I say whatever is cheapest Nun. Plasma doesn’t have the problems it used to anymore but are usually cheaper these days because people erroneously think LCD is better. The difference between a 1000 dolllar westinghouse and a 5000 dollar Sony is only the name at the bottom. make sure to invest in the protection plan of course. you never know when a unit will just pop for no reason.
that depends, nun. there are advantages and disadvantages to each.
in japan they already have 1400p. i don’t know why. 120Hz is already 4 times as clear as the human eye can detect…so, what’s the point?
Yes, God, You are right, of course. Please smite the slutty bastard.
And please just tell me if I should buy a plasma or LCD. This research is giving me a headache.
Plasma or LCD? Neither. Go retro - get a 800 pound rear projection television.
To complete your system, find a Betamax video recorder/player.
ARRRGGGHHHH!! 720p or 1080p. FUCK!! Nun is going crazy!!
This must have been how God felt when He was having His PC issues… except I’m not divine.
1080p, nun. if you’re watching a HiDef signal on a 720p tv you will get inferior picture quality.
1080i-6 years old
1080p-3 or 4 years old
120Hz-1 year old
next yr-120Hz with 1400p
if you buy a 1080p TV with 120Hz motion clarity you won’t need to upgrade until it dies.
plasma is heavier, uses more energy (if you’re some kind of hippy). it has deeper colors, but it reflects more light, so if you’re watching in a room with a lot of daylight you might want LCD, which is also much lighter weight than plasma. check out the backlighting on the tv sometimes you’ll see a halo where the lights are. that sucks. in a store, they set the cheaper models brightness much lower to give the illusion that they are inferior tvs. usually on the side of the tv there is a menu button so you can adjust the picture and see the conspiracy for your yourself.
how do you like all that info?
THANK YOU!! Cracka, you may be my nemesis but you like The X-Files and just gave me the info that I knew one of you boys could provide. I love you today, Cracka. I love you with the white hot intensity of 12 suns. Thanks a bunch, man.
crap. love is gross.
“love is gross.”
Only if you do it right.
what are you, woody allen?
or should it be:
what, are you woody allen?
what are you? woody allen?
what? are you woody allen?
i don’t know.
more like a woody alien.
or an alien with a woody! har har!
THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!!
multi blog quickening, well played sir, well played indeed.
did anyone see babylon AD?
multi blog quickening? what in the world? you guys hang out somewhere else too?
i also got a century quickening on the asia post, ben. try to keep up.
i have been sober for a much larger portion of the day than i intended. it’s time to use my new powers to get extra fucked up!!
good day, sirs!!!
come on man. it’s hard for me to keep up you know that.
wow….multiple quickenings….you must be so powerful right now. go fuck your wife.
Nun, was Cracka good enough to you to earn a visit to your sunspot?
and queue the jokes about the clap…….
haha! nun has the clap! she’s a whore!
I AM NOT A WHORE!!
Damn you all!!
No, Anne he wasn’t. Although I did take his advice and am the proud new momma of a brand new LCD 1080p television.
Nun, I wish you would go back to the sexpot pic. I could stare at that all day and not get urges. But the new one … the ganj … oh … DAMN RETARDED LAWS!
Nice! How big? I mean, how many inches?
You’re right, you’re not a whore anymore. Now you’re a pothead.
Pot is fun.
I’m gonna move to Washington State and develop a bad case of glaucoma.
God calls it the goof-plant. God is so smart. I have a bit of a crush on God.
I prefer 10 inches, Ben. Thanks for your question!
ahahaha! come on Nun. you know what I meant.
37, little buddy. Not as big as I wanted but that’s ok.
“Not as big as I wanted but that’s ok.”
If only you got a nickle for everytime you spoke those words……
… she could buy the best doggone t.v. on the planet!
I’d buy one of those models that cost several thousand dollars and I’d still have enough cash left over to buy every copy of I Want to Believe that is still on the shelf.
FUCK!! I just realized by brand new fucking tv is only 60 Hz and not the 120Hz that Cracka specified. Son of a whore!
Take it back to the store, pick a cute clerk, fuck him, and get the set you want. I’d call that a good return.
Well god if you learned to play with the other deities nicely you wouldn’t have been expelled.
God, I just noticed that when you roll over the pictures you get like an extra bonus message. That’s awesome God. I love your attention to detail.
Now can you ask Jesus how to get my sphincter to work again? I’ve been pooping pancakes all morning.
I love that all of the awesome deities can be taught in school in Mythology class, but you are barred from the institutions… HAHA that what you get god-dude
Dear One-who-claims-to-be-God…
You have issues to say the least, there are two possible issues you could have.
1. This is all a massive joke and that makes you an intolerant jerk
-or-
2. You actually think you are right, and that makes you a bigot and jerk.
Oh wait, those are the same things…
Hmmm, interesting…
Either way, don’t impersonate people, whether they are said to be immortal beings or imaginative figures!
Dear Everyone Else,
You are all (for the most-part) being intolerant jerks as well, just because you have your beliefs, that doesn’t make a belief in God (from the Bible) wrong.
So all of you calm down and move on with you (apparently) uneventful lives.
Claims to be God? CLAIMS TO BE GOD?!
How fucking dare you?!
You will pay for your impudence!
But Gunner,
What if you’re own personal belief happens to be that you believe that believing in God is wrong? That’s not me of course, I love and adore the Almighty and love His divine blog.
PS All that thought into a post on a comedy blog. I guess it is you who have no life. BAM!
I don’t think Gunnner is smart enough to realize that he’s the intolerant one.
So, Bridgette, Did you vote for McCain/Palin? I wonder how Palin’s abstinence only program worked out in Alaska public schools. Hmmmm, maybe we should take a look at how HER kids turned out…