In this monthly feature, The Almighty first answers a few of the many questions He has recently received. Afterwards, mortals will be given the opportunity to ask God one (and only one) question. And if The Lord is feeling generous, He may actually answer.
QUESTION #1:
Thomme: Dear Almighty Lord, as you are the one who has the power to crush all evilness and stupidity, why there is so much sex and stupid horny slut-bitches on tv and internet and all media so even children get educated with such crap?
GOD: Free will, moron. You mortals have to be free to choose good over evil. If I did it for you it would be meaningless. I need your love to be given to me. Getting worshiped by praise-slaves and praise-robots and praise-hookers always makes me feel dirty later.
QUESTION #2:
Master Shake: Dear God, why did Jesus not invite You to the Last Supper? You are His Father, after all.
GOD: He’s a selfish prick, that’s why. He cares more about his stupid friends than he does his own fucking family.
QUESTION #3:
Silver Slave: Concering Deutronomy 23:1: “He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD.” Did you just add that in incase the problem cropped up, or where people whose balls had been smashed such a big demographic in biblical times that they warranted their own bible passage to deal with them?
GOD: The answer is both. First, many, many men had their balls crushed in biblical times. This was partly due to the preponderance of angry underfed mules, and also because men had much larger, biblically-sized testicles in those days. Secondly, this passage was put in the Bible in case the problem comes up, you all know which men are not allowed to enter a church and make it unclean. This goes for men who have lost even one testicle. So for example, that one-nutted freak and former cancer patient Lance Armstrong should, under no circumstance, ever be allowed into any one of My fine churches.
QUESTION #4:
Pissed-off Jew: God, who hates this world more? Me or you? Whose gonna go on a killing spree in the final battle? Me or you?
GOD: You hate the world more than Me, as I love the world I created. I just hate many things living in, on and around it. However, I am going to go on a killing spree in the final battle. You are going to crap your pants and get slain by one of My vicious cherubim baby-angel death squads.
Old and Busted
New Hotness
QUESTION #5:
Pirate McCain: God, why did you let me lose the election? Yar.
GOD: Because you lack any kind of moral integrity. Also, you’re half-retard. I just got through 8 years of letting a full-retard be president, and quite frankly, I’m bored with that now. I wanted a change. Besides, Americans are good to Me. They worship Me. They put Me on their dollar. And so I need a smart president who seems like he’d be good with the economy, who can increase the value of the dollar, otherwise more people will lose faith in Me.
QUESTION #6:
The Grim Reaper: Dear God, do You think that there are too many spinoff shows on TV? I guess after surviving Joanie loves Chachi and Joey You feel angry, and with all those versions of Law and Order and CSI, that new 90210 piece of shit, Private Practice, and some fucked up new L Word spinoff (unfortunately there will be one as far as I read), You feel a little sick inside.
GOD: Excellent question, Grim. Yes, I think there are far too many spin-off shows on TV. But this is only because human TV executives are so dim-witted and cowardly. BAH! TV should just be eliminated and replaced with angry Nuns.
QUESTION #7:
Smoggy Batzrubble: Dear God, why did You give black men proportionately much bigger penises than white men? And why are Asian men proportionately so much better at math when they have so much less to measure?
GOD: Smoggy, how many black and Asian men have you fucked? Those stereotypes are simply not true. I am quite fair in doling out talents. For example, because you are a white man with an unusually small penis who is bad at math, this means to balance you out there is another white man in the world with a large penis and a high math IQ.
Gene on 
ronpaulcandidate on 
jetaDeelp on 
Nun Ur Damned Bizness on 
The Ender on 
hey Smoggy,
take heart. sheep don’t care about big dicks or math. or do they?
HAHA!! God FACEd Smoggy.
I don’t know if it’s the chiba or what but this edition of Ask God made me laugh really hard.
I would so totally fuck Barack Obama.
Nun,
We all would. You’re gonna have to
take a number and stand in line.
And don’t forget to not stand in Pirate McCain’s line, it smells like skunk shit over there, maybe the skunk was shot by Palin after the bitch got angry.
God, is it just me or does that picture of that hentai cumslut getting cuntfucked by an octopus tentacle creep me out a little?
You must be thinking of
my old pal Cthulhu, who
didn’t get many votes in ‘08
http://www.cthulhu.org/smut/graphics/snack.jpg
Dear God,
Thank You for Your clear and concise answer to my question. I feel so much better knowing that my congenital stupidity and miniscule meat stick is part of a divine plan to ensure that somewhere there is a massively endowed Caucasian Einstein walking the earth who can calculate to within a millimeter the dimensions of his genitalia. Just so long as it’s not cracka…
Thank You also for destroying the stereotype of the mythical African Mandingo who has tackle the size of a small lamp post, and similarly of the Asian Minidingo with a wiener that might pass for a floppy chopstick. I always suspected color had nothing to do with it. My sheep are of fairly uniform dimensions in the genital area no matter what color they are (although the off-white ones do fart more when you poke them).
AMEN
PS You wouldn’t really let President BO near nun’s pleasure flaps would You? What if he slipped and fell in and never found his way out? Then where would we be?
PPS Sorry Mighty One–a clarification. Should I be trying to fuck Asian and black men, or is that still a smiting offense?
I’d totally do the First Lady. Maybe they have some sheep set aside for Smoggy?
Thank you, God, for explaining how I got a math genius with an awesome johnson.
I just noticed the advert on the side - it’s for multi-racial dating. It’s right next to Smoggy’s diatribe about penis size.
“Just so long as it’s not cracka…”
sorry, smog…you’ll all be glad to know that i read this post last night and woke up this morning with a ten inch badboy. yeah, God unsmited me. smoggy must’ve really got on His Divine Nerves with that stupid question. i don’t have to overcompensate anymore! this thing is great fun. i promise only to insert it into worthy vaginas and never let its semen hit the floor. amen.
the square root of 169 is 13. i’ve just been saying random stuff like that all day.
Anne: Beef stew & biscuits (home made), buttered corn, cheeseburger soup (basically fondue with minced beef), chocolate cake or pie!
Cracka: I once went home with a guy because he quoted the Pythagorean Theory to me. I’ve got a thing for smart guys with big funsticks.
Smoggy: I’m totally sorry about your hang. I’d share some of mine if I could.
curtis: when you become a beautiful woman let me know (homos-wtf?).
“woke up this morning with a ten inch badboy”
Well, tell Curtis - maybe it’s someone he knows.
” quoted the Pythagorean Theory” I thought you didn’t like being called a Pythag?
Pythagorean Therum? Really, you learn that in the 7th grade! You boned a dude who took pre-algebra!
At least have the dude say some Arrhenius approach stuff or some equations from statics or something! Jesus Curtis, you give it up easier than Nun! (too bad she will not touch my yellow wing wang)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tktNZpUTMoQ
Yo: that’s a good one!
Josh: you must have gone to some brainiac school because out in the sticks, we didn’t learn about Pythaggy until high school.
Cracka: You hurt daddy when you talk like that.
Curtis,
I went to a public school in a shitty town, I did work my ass off (like a good asian) so I was in advanced classes. I learned the 3-4-5 rule and Pythaggy in the 6th grade with Mr. “Leave 5 buttons on my shirt open so you can see my libra necklace” Corbo. I thought it was middle school stuff because my home town sucks.
Josh: I think I took my first geometry course in the 8th grade with Mr. “I smell like coffee and stale cigarettes and am missing a couple of teeth” Salisbury.
For all of us who would do President Elect Obama:
http://www.onteenstoday.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/02/barack-obama-teens1.jpg
president elect obama. that sounds good. i really don’t want to do the man, though. i don’t understand you people. it may be unhealthy that your feelings of respect manifest themselves sexually. you may have some (dick fingers) daddy issues (dick fingers) to sort through. he’s the hope for the future! put his dick in my mouth, please! (weirdo-o-o-o-o-os)
I would not do President Elect Obama, but you’re starting to sound better, Cracka. Call me.
I think Cracka has a point. I would not want to bang Barack or Michelle. I would bang Sarah Palin, but it would be an angry fuck where I would splash off in her eyes and hair. I hate her.
Agreement on the sexual problems here. Getcher minds out of your pants!
Well, agreement with Josh on the punishment-fvck of Sarah Palin.
Maybe we could double-team her whilst Shaggy makes sheep sounds in the background.
just cuz God granted me a brand new giant schlong doesn’t mean you can have my deep dicking services so easily, johnson.
ben? you’ve really been shutting up, lately. the only problem is that when you don’t post we don’t know if it’s because you’re following instructions to shup up or if you’re dead.
i sure am sad. get away from me you cunt!
shutup, cracka.
I don’t like talking to people that all hate me for no reason.
So where’s the post about Palin? God obviously hates har, as she was not blessed with a victory in the election, nor with a working central nervous system.
if it’s obvious that God hates someone He doesn’t necessarily need to post about it, does He? it’s more about the nuances of His Divine Hatred.
it’s good to know that you’re not dead…or is it disappointing? and it’s not hatred, ben. it’s tradition.
Ben said “I don’t like talking to people that all hate me for no reason.”
then how do you order food? or walk the streets? If you didn’t talk to anyone who hated you, you’re be like Hellen Keller, except with no movie or carnival attraction house where you hid from the people who hated you.
(From the Musical: Cracka on the Roof)
♫ Tradition, tradition! Tradition! ♫
♫ Tradition, tradition! Tradition! ♫
[Crackas & Curtis's]
Who, day and night, must scramble for some liquor,
Feed a nasty habit, say his daily insults?
And who has the right, as master of the house,
To tell Ben to Die, Ben, Die?
The Cracka, the Cracka! Tradition!
The Cracka, the Cracka! Tradition!
[Anne & Nun]
Who must know the way to worship a proper God,
A quiet God, a kosher God?
Who must raise the family and run the home,
So Cracka’s free to read the racing forms?
♫ The Anne, the Anne! Tradition! ♫
♫ The Anne, the Anne! Tradition! ♫
Coming up: “Mapmaker, Mapmaker, make me a map”
Ben said “I don’t like talking to people that all hate me for no reason.”
I always give them a reason. Always.
I don’t care what y’all say. It’d still totally fuck Barack Obama. He’s fucktractive.
Ben,
I’m going to say this as gently as I can… Do you pay any attention to the shit that is posted here? Seriously? You need to stop being so sensitive.
Josh,
All joking aside, your parents should be very proud.
Nun,
if that was only the case. My mom hates that I gave up engineering to do comedy and is very scared I will go on stage and “Do something to embarass Jesus” but I think if my sitcom gets picked up she could care less!!!
ah, yes, situation comedy. we need more of those. will it be on the WB?
Everybody hate chris already has the WB on lock.
cracka,
we need more good sitcoms, the ones on now are mostly shit. gone are the days of sienfeld, now you need cable to see good comedy (Curb).
Josh will get a sitcom where the main character is an engineer who quits to do standup. He’ll have a mixed marriage, insane/bigoted inlaws, and a mom who can’t understand why he gave up a solid engineering career for standup.
For stress relief, he’ll log onto a blogsite and chat with: a gay man, a slutty, paranoid woman, a drunk guy, a Druid, a sex-starved IT guy, and God and Lucifer.
…and an antipodean sheep fucker–why do you always miss me out?
yoyo!
Did you read my treatment?
We’re in talks to have Megan Fox play Nun and Don Imus play Anne.
Not to mention, a sheep-corker from NooZiland (who offers pithy outsider comments on the USA), a guy we all command to ShutUp, a pirate/politician (if I may be redundant), an overweight cut ‘n paste Bible thumper, and, as special guest stars the occasional god from the Greek pantheon.
You sound like a smart guy, Josh. Your mom might think you’re wasting your intelligence. We should all follow our dreams but moms don’t always see it that way. I try to be very aware of that with my boy, his uncle is a famous African American artist whose work could be seen on The Cosby Show and my boy seems to have a good amount of talent. I try to encourage that as much as I can.
LOL Josh!
Gotcher, Smoggy! And you get a good part, too.
Don Imus’ neck was born three years before the rest of him - he looks like crap.
Can I be played by James Belushi? Or do you need lighter weight actors?
Nun,
My mom actually thinks I’ve wasted the money she gave me for college, and I’m wasting the money I am using to pay off my college loans for a BS and an MS. whatevs! I gotta be me.
Josh, not to pry into your personal hx, how long did you work as an engineer? You got an MS in engineering?
And what do you do now, in addition to the standup?
I was a Network Planner for 5 years at a major t-com company. I have a BS in electrical engineering and an MS in T-com Management.
Now I have a shitty day job working at a magazine. Sucks balls. I do get to see celebs, but I don’t really want to.
Whoa!! Megan Fox!? Dude!! I’m fuckin’ HOT!!!
Maybe I will touch your yellow wee-wee after all.
Wow- pretty impressive, Josh!
no really Yo yo, I can sell you my degrees. Right now I use them to wipe my ass.
Is Megan Fox funny enough to play me? I’ve heard disparaging things about her intelligence.
LOL, I’ll pass on the ass!
Hmmm..right now, on my wall I have a certificate from the School Of Hard Knocks. Might be nice to pump up my credentials…
It replaced my earlier diploma, from Star Fleet Academy.
Nun, yeah, but she’s hawt, so does it matter?
http://poderresponsabilidad.files.wordpress.com/2007/07/megan-fox-7.jpg
Nun,
I would not book Megan based on her smarts.
http://www.idontlikeyouinthatway.com/labels/megan%20fox.html
A nicely faked picture of Megan: http://www.news.com.au/entertainment/story/0,26278,24613851-5013560,00.html
No, I suppose a lot of people wouldn’t book her on her smarts and I’m not at all surprised by this turn of events because that’s how penises think. But I’d like to think that I’d come across with some kind of intelligence on your sit-com. I’m smart, DAMMIT!!
Smart tits anyway
Amen Smoggy, Amen.
Nun,
You’ve got your tits out and a dildo in your hand, guys really aren’t thinking to themselves, “I wonder if this woman knows the pythagorean theorem?”
I agree 100% Josh–you’ve got to be you. My philosophy is that you do what you enjoy, or what makes you happy, or what excites you. Firstly, because life’s fucking short and you get one shot at it, so why spend a second around losers and misery lovers. Secondly, i believe, thought I don’t think it has been statistically proven, that your chances of success improve if you love what you do.
No, we’re thinking “I wonder if this women wants to be naked in my harem”.
HEY!! Is it my fault that some bastard took that picture when I was having my alone time with God? My voluptuous ta-tas are no indication of my intelligence.
This just in. The Statue of Liberty is coming down today! Aunt Jamima is going up in her place. No, she will not be holding a torch but a chicken leg instead.
Sniff, I’m so proud of America today.
Agreement Smoggy - one shot, do what you love, don’t be miserable.
Also agreement on the Harem issue.
I love it! USA has jungle feva! Thank you God for Your devine blessing. Hmm I wonder what The Big Guy will do with Bush…?
Sarah Palin didn’t know that Africa was a fucking continent!
Nun, she can’t see it from her back yard.
the burro when to the Carlos Mencia School of Joke Writing!!!!
My burro is really a Mexican, Josh. He can’t help being a thief.
You really should try not to be anything like Carlos Mencia, Burro. He’s evil.
I hate that fat fuck! What a loser. Let’s go on a fat Carlos Mencia killin’ spree!! Ay ello es una hijo de puta
i’ve been killing every chubby mexican named carlos that i can track down. it’s going to take a while, but i’ll get that no talent ass clown sooner or later. i’m leaving. there’s no booze here.
benjamin, shut up about your feelings.
the rest of you know what to do……………fuck off!!!
He’s not Mexican and he’s not really named Carlos. You’ll never get him that way, Cracka.
I’m missing all the fun today.
Stupid job.
Yo: Way back at #34 - that was good!
Ben said “I don’t like talking to people that all hate me for no reason.” Oh, there are MANY reasons.
hey curtis! you never emailed me!
I like exclamation marks!!!!
It’s better than all caps!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Heh, thanks, Curtis! Love the musicals, I do.
yo yo,
you need to the “the drowsy chaperon” best musical I have ever seen (and I’ve been around the block with broadway)
YOu also need to see (on video if one shows up) the Vampire Lestat, the worst musical ever! it was very gay themed and even the gays would not go see it. I had 40 tickets I got for free and I could not give them away.
No more questions? Excellent. I’m going to Disney World to relax and kill every last Mickey Mouse I see. I’ll be back next week sometime.
Also, MAKE A NOTE OF THIS. If you stupid mortals have any more questions that you want to ask for next month’s ask God feature, post them in the comments thread over on the ‘Ask God’ page.
Later
Hang loose Big Fella.
I’m pierced to the core. Don Imus? Not only ugly, but a moron too? Is that what you think of me, Josh? Must I remind you that I’m only sitting at this computer waiting for my hip to heal so I can go back to teaching in Camden? I saw one of my students today at the mall. She thought I wouldn’t remember her name because I hadn’t been around in awhile.
Imus indeed.
I’m the same age as Madonna … but I look a whole lot younger, so Reese Witherspoon will do.
God at Disney World. Hide, Tinker Bell! Hide!
And thus the Holy Spirit dids’t quicken the Virgin Tinky, and lo a mighty messenger, the Angel Goofriel did appear to her, and spaketh thus: “Blessed art thou amongst Magical Faeries, for the Holy Spirit hath penetrated your magical vajiggyjiggy and you are with child. And you will bring forth a son-of-sorts, and you will call him Piglet.”
And lo, the bewildered Virgin Tinky dids’t fly erratically into the cave of the Lost Boys and dids’t tell them what the Blessed Goofriel had revealed. And the Lost Boys all stopped wanking in their hammocks, and didst bow down in awe until one, dimly remembering his brutalizing Catholic upbringing, didst mutter that they were supposed to eat the body of the Christ, but given that the Christ was still a blastocyst within the womb of the Blessed Virgin Tinky, shouldst they eat her instead?
And after much prayer and pleading, Virgin Tinky didst agree, and so she raised her little green-leaf mini skirt, and one by one the lost boys didst kneel in holy reverence and apply their furry wee tongues to Tinky’s glowing, sparkling clitoris.
And so the worship grew more intense until the Blessed Virgin Tinky didst magically orgasm multiple times, and fizzing fairydust didst fill the air, and the lost boys were overwhelmed too with joy and fizzy feelings, so that when Tinky fell to her knees praising God (”Oh God, Oh God, Oh Yes! Oh God! Omigod!”) the lost boys didst fall to their knees behind her pert upturned Faerie tushy and didst eagerly slip their lost willies into her highly lubricated virginity.
And thus it was that one thing led to another and now the Holy Spirit demandeth a paternity test. (And Peter Pan is threatening to sue Disney, arguing that he was guaranteed Tinky’s virgin cherry as part of his contract).
AMEN
Josh, Yo yo, it’s Russell Crow here.
You know…the actor guy…
Will all of you, in your sitcom, please consider me for the part of the famous Smoggy Batzrubble. I come from the same part of the world as him and I swear I’ll work out and get myself as buff as possible. You don’t have to pay me. I’ll pay you to play Smoggy.
You’d think they’d give a famous actor a decent fucking avatar!!!
I would so totally fuck Russell Crowe. I don’t care if he can’t act.
From The Druid Chronicles, Vol. 1, Chap. 1:
He who maketh sport of faeries, verily will his testicles shrink unto the size of paramecia. His car keys he will loseth just when his wife endureth her worst labour pain. Lo, will his computer crasheth when doth he have a majour presentation to make unto the Board of Management who doth runneth his company and provideth for his sustenance. Yea, unto the tenth generation his sheep will not stand still for the sin which will not be named.
Modern Revised Translation:
Fuck with Tink, fuck with Anne. Word. House, Smoggy.
Still thinking about the Imus casting and wondering what I did or said to be compared to the shittiest human who doesn’t live in the White House.
House. A piece and two sides. Smoggy been dissed from Camden, NJ yo.
I don’t accept that Nun. I know he’s had some crap parts, but he can act brilliantly in the right circumstances. I’m a Patrick O’Brien fan and I think he was brilliant in Master and Commander. He gets Jack Aubrey as right as Ian McKellan gets Gandalf.
Anyway, there’s no need for you to fuck Crowe. Why settle for second best when you can deep throat Smoggy?
Hey, it’s a great story Paganannie! You should give me some credit for comic writing.
Bloody Disney puts Tink in a micro mini knowing every horny little hetero boy is going to wonder whether her legs go all the way up. Don’t believe me? Do a search on “nude tinkerbell” and see what turns up. I’m just putting into words where every little lost boy would like to slip his tongue. Same with Barbie in Fairytopia–long legs, short skirts. How many Barbies get stripped and posed? Why do you think the Team America puppet sex scene was so funny?
I’m quite capable of reading, Smoggy, so I know from God’s Divine Blog that you are not second best. You’re not even third or fourth best. You’re more like 1,375,256th best.
As for Crowe, somebody whose opinion I trust had told me that and I didn’t quite believe either. Until I watched Gladiator again. I submit as an example of Crowe’s poor acting: his death scene in Gladiator.
Yeah, I agree, that was pretty crappy. But Gladiator was a fucked movie anyway.
Nun, I will fuck you if you fuck that famous Smoggy Batzrubble first.
RC
Sigh–alright RC, I’ll fuck her if I have to.
Bend over nun
…and I’ll slip 100 right up ya!
There’s lots of fucktractive guys, Russell. While I find you very fuckable with a really cool accent, I will not submit to a sheep-fucker just to have you. In other words, you ain’t all that.
Ah well, fair enough, ya dumb sheila. Not ta worry. Gillian Anderson says she’ll fuck me if I can jack her up with Smoggy first.
Ye there Smog mate? Any chance you’d fuck Scully for me so as I can have a turn after ya?
Ah, I’m pretty busy at the moment Russ, mate. Lambing time, y’ know. Soon’s all the sheila’s have dropped I’ll see what I can do.
Cheers mate.
FRIDAY IN SMOGGY LAND
WORK IS OVER
TIME TO GET DRUNK
I MEAN REALLY REALLY SHIT-FACED
PISSED AS A NEWT
Pissed as a newt?
Ahhh Americans…so insular.
The expression comes from the UK and is not uncommon in Australia and New Zealand. Origins uncertain–may have to do with newts (more correctly mutes), who were professional mourners and had a drink at every funeral. Or indeed it could refer to the amphibian of the salamander family known as the newt, which was often preserved in alcohol. No matter–it simply means absolutely, shit-facedly rolling drunk–a state towards which I am steadily progressing.
Fuck off Ben.
fuck off, ben???
this is highly unusual.
Anne,
Going with the joke that you started (that you’re old), I had to think of an old white person to play the part who would be out of place. I could not name any of the golden girl cast as they are comedy gold, so I had to name someone who is horrible. No offence.
Oh gosh, Josh! Glad to hear it. I thought I’d said something that made you think I was a stinking racist in a cowboy hat. It’s comforting to think that you were just looking for someone old and fugly! That’s me, except my tits are still firm. Can’t explain it.
Smoggy, as a Pagan, I can turn you into a newt. *magic* DONE.
smoggy-”Ahhh Americans…so insular.”
ahhh…NZers…talk like such pussies.
Anne: Breaded and deep fried square fish, spaghetti, peas, cheesy broccoli soup (basically fondue), apple pie.
john wayne will kick your ass smoggy!!! and he’s fucking dead, man!!!! hahahahahaha!!! you’re a newt now, aren’t you?!!!! hahhahahahaaha!!!!!!
:::pssst::: Cracka, what does “insular” mean?
it sounds like your cafeteria makes fondue everyday and drops some sort of vegetable in it.
curtis-he’s saying we are culturally isolated and don’t understand the rest of the world. but, seriously, fuck the rest of the world. no, literally, fuck someone from each country and report back later.
only four out of five days are fondue soup, the fifth day is usually chili.
I’m proud to say that there isn’t one salad in the chiller today. Fiber. Who needs it?
Oh. Well then he’s correct of course, but who the fuck cares?
Screw the world. We’re ‘Mericans.
Curtis, I’m beginning to hope you bring a bag lunch to work.
Yeah, Curtis. You keep eating that hospital food and you’ll turn into a chubbasaurus and then I’ll have to kill you for God and that would make me sad.
Newt calls us insular, but he’s the one who lives on a fucking island.
we’re the most arrogant people in the world!
We call our teams world champs and only play other american teams! It’s Boston vs. LA, how is the winner a world champ? - Patrice O’neal
They (other countries) know our leaders, just ask one, who’s the leader of the US? “Bush. Do you know who my leader is?” No. “we’ll it’s..” “Shut up man I don’t need to know that.” - Partice O’Neal
I eat very little from the cafeteria, but if I do, it’s usually the only meal of the day.
is it me or do you think an interacial dating webiste is a bit racist? If you only date people from a certain race, then you are racist.
I have a joke about an inter-racial couple and they cry racism at every turn, but the dude is fucking ugly, so I don’t think it qualifies.
“PISSED AS A NEWT”
Smoggy - I understood you. But after all, I’ve watched Masterpiece Theatre and many imported Brit-coms. (When I bothered to watch TV.)
(The nearest NZ-com I’ve seen was Bingles (an Oztralian import), which ran in the early ’90’s.)
Racism applies to members of all races. I have to respect the way President Elect Obama never plays the race card even though many blacks won’t let it go.
I think he’s pretty classy for that.
I’m a bit offended when someone says, “this is a terrific thing for blacks everywhere”. I tend to think it is a terrific thing for EVERYONE.
I say, sure, celebrate the fact that he’s the first (half) black man in the White House, but then let’s get over that and get to work on the Nation.
Josh, does that mean I have to date someone outside my race, or be racist? But does that mean I should date someone outside my gender preference, or be thought homophobic?
Smoggy’s already got dating outside our species covered.
Yo. Yes, but only once and you’re covered.
Whew - all set on all counts.
you should date who you love based on a lot of things, but as soon as you say, “I only date white guys.” or “I don’t date black guys” you’ve admitted to being a racist. you’re judging on race alone.
Personally my penis is a humanitarian
Curtis,
This is a great thing for blacks. It’s hard to explain without coming off a little racist myself but blacks have had it a lot tougher than a lot of other minority groups for a lot longer. People look down on blacks even when they don’t mean to. It is how we’ve been brought up. We’ve been raised to fear young black men. If you’re approached by a young black man at night, most people will respond with fear. And then we wonder why young black males are so angry.
For myself, the mother of a “half-black” like Obama, I did not realize how much pride I would feel until they announced that he had won the Presidency.
The real pisser about the whole thing is that the different minority groups can be quite intolerant of each other. Mexicans hate blacks and vice versa. And it is the blacks that really cost gay marriage in Cali.
Rodney King was right, why can’t we all just get along?
I agree with Josh. I have friends who only date black men, they are racist in that regard. I will date anybody but Asians because I hate them with the white hot intensity of two thousand suns, I am racist in that regard.
hating asians isn’t racist. is just good sense. that is one thing i’ve noticed about black culture, the homophobia. i saw a documentary on PBS about it. pretty interesting. forgot what it was called. why even bring it up then? i should delete these sentences.
I hear you, Nun, and I do agree. I’m just saying that I hope we can move past this one issue and start healing all of the terrible wounds put on our Nation at the hands of the Bush administration.
Except for the Asians. I think we should round them all up and send their sorry yellow asses back to Chinkland. (Sorry, Josh)
Cracka, that’s why I don’t only date black guys. The homophobia. I’d never go out if I did.
I think we will, Curtis. Obama seems like a real class act and he will not let anybody focus on his race.
And I would so totally fuck his sweet black ass.
Nun, I would too, only I’d bottom for him.
And with that, I’m off to a strategic planning meeting.
Stupid job.
you know how blacks are looked down so much more than others? If you really want to piss another race off call them something that relates them to blacks, like Sand Nigger, Dune Coon, or the Irish (The Niggers of Europe). Blacks are looked down so much that the names that they are called make up other horrible names.
Hey fuck you guys for hating chinks!!!! Without us you’d never have enjoyed the mouth explosion know as General T’so Chicken!!!! number 5 with brown rice and egg roll preaze!!!!
Obama’s election isn’t all about race. I love the way some of the commenters said, “He’s leading among college-educated voters.” Translation: HE’S LEADING AMONG SMART PEOPLE. I think we’re overlooking the fact that an “elitist” with a Harvard education won despite being scorned for being an “elitist.”
At the same time, the students at the school where I sub (hopefully beginning again nxt wk) were talking about Obama this time last year. They were so crazy about him. All the minority students there love him.
Well, except I don’t know how the Asian kids feel about Obama. They’re mostly the kids of Vietnamese and Cambodian parents who kiss the sidewalk every day, they’re so glad to be here.
Josh,
I am Irish and am so very offended that you called them the niggers of Europe. Damn you, Josh!
I’ve been called “reverse-racist” by my black friends. I’m so not racist against darkies that I think O.J. Simpson did not kill his wife and I don’t believe Michael Jackson buggered a bunch of little boys.
as much as the election was not about race to you, it was to others. Even in NYC, where the youth vote put Obama over the top, many people (rich white people) are not happy. When I ask them why, they just can’t seem to give me a straight answer.
Let’s not forget the dude on CBS who said, “I’m not prejudice or nothing, but I can’t see voting for no colored to be in the white house.” or the dude with teh T shirt that said “Nigger please, it’s called the white house.” or the McCain supporters at his rallies who had monkeys with the obama sticker as a hat. Or the dude in GA who had a curious george t-shirt printed up that said obama 08.
So for not dating asians I say fuck you Nun! No seriously, can I fuck you Nun? I’m just playing, unless you’re going to do it. You gonna do it?
Josh,
You hook me up with some of those famous people(Jon Stewart) you know and I might let you put that little yellow wee-wee in my vajayjay.
As for the election, watch McCain’s concession speech and how the crowd reacts when Obama is mentioned and then watch Obama’s victory speech and see how the crowd reacts when McCain is mentioned. Obama’s supporters are a lot classier and respectful than McCain’s racist supporters.
Nun,
OJ killed her, and Michael raped some kids. That goes beyond skin color, but I guess you went to the Dave Chappelle school of thought!
http://www.comedycentral.com/videos/index.jhtml?videoId=11926&title=celebrity-trial-jury-selection
Josh,
If Jackson had really buggered some boys, a lot more would have come forward then a couple of money-hungry families. He had kids running all over NeverLand all the fucking time. He was villified because he’s a darkie. Well, he used to be a darkie.
And I still don’t believe Simpson killed his ex-wife.
But Baretta did do that shit.
General T’so Chicken - oddly, that’s what I had for lunch. Sadly, my mouth made promises my stomache can’t keep. I’m chewing antacids and wondering when I lost the ability to digest anything that tastes good.
To me, the election was about experience. I mean, how do you expect an inexperienced politician from Illinois to win a Presidency? Who was the last politician who did that? Lincoln?
Let’s hope Obama stays out of Ford’s Theater.
i think the election was about relatability. Obama was the voice of everyday people, while most saw McCain as an old rich white guy, much similar to the person still in office.
Another joke I’m working on is how Obama will be the best president ever, because he knows he has to be. Every black person has been the only black person in the room and they are asked questions as the portal to all things black. Obama has that presure on him times a hundred million. one fuck up by barack and there will not be a black president for another 400 years.
You’re far too optimistic, Josh. All problems that Bush started will now be blamed on Obama in the history books. There probably won’t be another black president for another 400 years.
I’d disagree - I hope Obama proves to be a good president, and opens more doors (without being mistaken for the doorman).
I am hoping that Obama will start dropping some dimes on people, like he puts up a bill for universal health care and it get voted down. He then goes and said, “I tried to get you covered but Senator Joe Smith from Kansas didn’t want you to have health care.”
i heart obama. i think some of that is a sort of overcompensation for hating bush. after 8 years, my hatred for bush has worn me out. it’s just nice to have a president that i don’t hate. also, after listening to w prattle on like a halfwit, it’s just a shock to hear a person speak coherently. maybe we’re overreacting because our frame of reference has lowered our expectations so much.
or maybe we’re just relieved that he’s not some kind of chinky chink ching chong.
hey!!!!!
thanks to Ill Kill Dung the 2nd and the Chinese threat, there will not be ching chong in the white house for many a generation to come. Sad, but true. There could havce been a black press in 84 if idi amin wasn’t in the national stage.
shut up, dink-dong.
閉嘴餅乾！你是小陰莖讓你生氣!!!!!!!!!!!!!
STUPID FUCKING GAY ASS ASIAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
here is what I said in engrish you
“shut up cracker! You’re small penis makes you angry.”
Baka ka Yankï! (that means stupid asshole white man!)
I saw the video of that guy up in NE PA with the Curious George monkey toy that he called “Obama.” WHAT A MORON! People like that helped Obama win.
Imagine being John McCain, a decent and intelligent man, looking out over your supporters and seeing people wringing the necks of toy monkeys.
Honestly, at least you can have a little respect for the people who are worried about big government. (Not that we haven’t had big government for a looooonnnng time). But the racists? Fuggedaboudit.
NEWT: SEND BACK THE SUNLIGHT.
Fuck this fuckin Eastern Fuckin Standard Time! It sucks Nun’s burro! I’m sitting here in the dark writing about a guy who draws bunnies for a living, and it’s DARK! FUCK.
but that;s the thing Anne, McCain never EVER said that behaviour was wrong. He jumped on Obama for something another black politician said (because Obama rules all blacks in gov’t, of course) but he never once came out and said the people doing the monkey shit, and the Obama terrorist yelling (which Palin encouraged) was wrong.
Josh is right. McCain and Palin encouraged the racist behavior.
by taking a leadership role you are an example for those who follow you. if you tolerate it, you condone it. he knows it’s wrong, but at the same time he’s thinking it might help him win. which baffled me, because i thought he was smarter than that. i always respected mccain. even in ‘04 when he was sucking up to bush. i understood he was positioning himself for the presidency, so i let it slide a little. this campaign destroyed my respect for him.
josh, God gave me ten incher, remember? He, in His Infinite Wisdom, has not taken it back yet. so fuck off, little wee wee dinky dink!!!
Ugh. Completely off-topic but I hate snoggers. If you’re an X-Files fan, then you know what kind of fans I’m talking about.
uppity,
you told us God gave you a ten incher, God has not confirmed it nor has any woman or beast.
Dear God,
If You gave Cracka a 10 inch penis please use Your omnipresence, omnipotence and omniscience to post a comment saying You did within the next 10 minutes. If You choose to remain silent then we know that Cracka lied and his wee wee is still just a shriveled up cocktail weiner. Thank you Lord, Amen.
9 minutes to go
Yes, you all are right. McCain should have done more to squelch his racist fans. Palin couldn’t scold them because she’s one herself.
Cracka, if you had called me like I asked, I’d be ready to testify to your woody. But I can’t blame you for passing on me. Who wants to fuck Don Imus?
Josh, God’s in Disney World, remember? He’s not taking prayers right now.
But your prayer is important to him, so please leave a message, and someone will get back to you shortly.
damn you, josh. you will soon be zombified again. considered yourself a member of the dead undead…or is it the undead dead? what happens when you kill a zombie???
ps- i dare not bother God with such a trivial request as asking Him to prove to you pathetic mortals the blessing He has bestowed upon me, His humble oppressive servant. He might take it back.
… like Nun’s chiba.
Our new laboratory courier wears patchouli oil.
Damned hippy. He smells divine!
I think I’m in love.
Josh,
I did email you tonight, but it was through an agent of sorts on your other website. I don’t feel comfortable giving my address here because Cracka will undoubtedly either roofie me or kill me an make me a zombie.
Please look it up if you like. I’d like to make fun of all these others in private with you.
Oh come on and try. I’ll give you a piece of pie!
Cracka — I don’t believe, no way, that God granted you an ginormous penis. Only us gay guys and blacks get that.
If he did however, it is your duty to break it in with a dude first. It is, I’m afraid, the law.
Call me!
Dear God,
Please give Josh my true email address, as only You know it, not that stupid fuckhead one that makes my sparkly pink gravitar, because I do think that Josh is trying to chat me up in private for some kind of Chinky Chong homosexual anti prop 8 date.
If you do, I promise to kill him in your Name,
Amen.
ps: This means that Josh is flirting with the gaydom. Loads of smiting there, Big Guy. Hook me up, yeah?
Curtis, get a Facebook! You’ve got some profile pictures worth displaying!
I think Curtis has a bit of a crush on Josh.
haha! curtis wants to do mr t!!
God took back 3/4 of an inch today. i don’t know what i did, but i better figure the formula out fast or i’ll soon be penisless. then how will i write my name in the snow?
hey, smoggy, we still got two months of bush left so don’t go relaxing on your anti-missile defense!!! which is what, exactly, a drunk kiwi with a slingshot?!! new zealand will burn!!!!!!!!!BURN!!!!!!!
Another Saturday afternoon spent working. At least it’s raining.
anne,
God is at Disney Land this week, but guess what He’s there every week, He’s everywhere. That’s why He’s God. If He wanted to He could IM us in our heads, He’s that good. He chose not to come back for vouch for Cracka, because He’s God, He knew I would put up a post doubting cracka’s wang even before I was born.
Curtis,
Never got your email. I think you might have the wrong Josh. And no I’m not trying to set up a date, dabbling in homosexuality is so 90s.
Poor Cracka. Down he goes, inch by inch. One more argument for Paganism.
i still have 8 7/8 inches left. i think my penis is like one of your tinkerbells, johnson, YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE…everybody CLAP!!!! JOSH, YOU’RE KILLING MY FANTASTIC NEW PENIS, YOU FUCKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BELIEVE IN MY DICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i’ll cut you a deal, johnson, i’ll believe in fairies if you believe in my genitals.
Deal! Both are usually invisible to the naked eye.
rimshot!!!
thanks. i already gained back 1/8 of inch.
except now i have to make fun of myself for believing in fairies.
i believe in you, curtis…you big ol’ fairy.
FUCK EASTERN STANDARD TIME! This is the time of year when living in New Jersey SUCKS!!!!
Wait a minute. It always sucks to live in New Jersey. BUT IT REALLY SUCKS WHEN IT GETS FUCKIN DARK AT 4:30 IN THE AFTERNOON! THIS ISN’T FUCKIN ALASKA!
Time to get pissed as a newt.
How’s the package, Cracka?
i’m a solid 9. i’m afraid to do or say anything for fear that it will be the wrong thing.
i’m gonna get pissed as a newt first thing in the morning. it’s vikings-packers day. might not mean much to the rest of you…but around here it’s like a drunken holiday. only, instead of mocking and ridiculing family members, we spend it downtown taunting hillbillies from wisconsin. fuck them. stupid rednecks.
I’m a hillbilly! So tell me where the mountains are in Wisconsin? I thought that was a state that’s half underwater, and the other half covered in a glacier. And as long as I’m pissed as a newt, let me just say that the Packers rock. Champion team, one horse town. Any questions?
No?
Good, because I’m so drunk I just typed “God” instead of “Good.”
Mr. C, I’ll check on your package again after the Packers whup your Asatru butts. Go ahead. Pray to Thor. He’ll know you’ve been kissing Jehovah’s butt. And he’ll turn his back and let the winners lead the way.
they’re hillbillies in spirit, johnson.
now…………..fuck off…………
Hey, Smoggy, did you vote for John Key? Do you think he’ll work well with your farm-based economy when his background is in currency trading? Has your country not noticed that conservatism does not necessarily lead to economic prosperity? Myself I would have voted Labour and continued with the greenhouse gas reduction policies. Don’t blame me if one of the new dams your new president builds floods your sheep barn.
Wow Anne–I’m impressed that you’d take such an interest in our little political pisspot.
Nope–I gave my list vote to the Greens this year for the first time, and I gave my electorate vote to our Labour MP (Labour = Democrat). I’m veering further left the older I get.
But the electorate wanted change. It wasn’t a reflection on Labour so much, which is a party that has done a good job for a decade. I’m proud they supported Bush in Afghanistan but refused to follow him into Iraq. The change was part of a general dissatisfaction. I’ll be sorry to see our Prime Minister Helen Clarke go, but I predict we’ll all hear a lot more of her. She’s a remarkable woman, and I’d guess there’s already a big lobby to see her made UN Secretary General or similar. You heard it here first.
I decided to vote Green because I want the planet to still be here in 100 years–not short term tax cuts. That said, Key’s not so bad–he’s a bit of a money trading wide-boy, but there’s some substance there as well. Our centre left and centre right parties are virtually indistinguishable and usually both are to the left of your democrats. The problem is that under our system (MMP) he can’t form a government without a coalition with our most extreme right party, which is comprised primarily of death penalty fetishists and free market fanatics. At least the Greens got the third largest share of the vote–so they have some mandate to speak out for a sustainable future.
Personally, I’ll probably do well out of this new govt. which is determined to cut taxes etc. But I don’t like the sort of society the extremists want to foist on us–three strikes and you’re out is their mantra. Wonder where they got that from?
The Greens will have a say in your parliamentary procedures?
*slobber slobber slobber*
(Anne imagines Green Party a significant political force in America, has magnificent orgasm and faints.)
Smoggy, if you’re here, quicken just for being a Green!
Thanks Anne,
They won’t have as much say as we’d like this time. We were hoping for a Labour/Green/Maori Party coalition, but collectively they only managed about 45% of the vote. Still, the beauty of the MMP system is that every party counts, and even though National and the Greens are ideologically at loggerheads, there are still issues where it is conceivable they’ll be able to exert influence.
They ran a brilliant election campaign–and were credited by all commentators with the best billboards and images.
See http://www.greens.org.nz/front
Okay, enough politics. Who wants to get drunk and screw?
It’s Monday morning! I’d like to get drunk and screw work.
G-d last question. If you really are G-d what is year was I born in and what month and date. Also what is my name and last name?
Anne: I don’t understand Facebook. It seems weird to me.
Nun: I do not have a crush on Josh and I do not want him to be my boyfriend. He’s just a friend who happens to be a boy.
Josh: I emailed you on My Space - again something that seems weird to me. Ah — the 90s. I sure did get a lot of action in that decade.
Cracka: Thank you for believing in me. I probably can’t do much to increase the size of your penis. Well, there is that one thing . . .
Shit, pissedoffjew. Any deity in God-kindergarten can do that! Ask a tough question.
Smoggy, for voting Green, you deserve 200. I will not longer taunt you like that vile cur in “Monty Python and the Holy Grail.”
emmmmmm…….
Your sheep smell of penis, and your penis of sheep!
Heh…I didn’t realise I got 200.
emmmm…
You smell of fairy squirt.
i fart in your general direction, english pig dogs!!!
Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderrrberries!
Ni!
he must be a king.
how can you tell?
he hasn’t got shit all over him.
true story:
friend gets a tramp stamp (i know).
the tattoo is something in mandarin (i know).
it’s supposed to mean something like “light” or “peace” or something hippy like that.
chinky chink ching chong chinaballs friend sees it and start laughing her stupid asian ass off. why?
because it says “open 9 to 5 daily”
LOL! Hmmm, could have been worse: “Open 24 hours”. “Second one free!” “First served, first come”. No, wait, that one’s been used.
And my favorite part of the movie: “And after the spanking, the oral sex!”
yo curt,
you must have the wrong Josh, I only got a myspace from a hot indian girl with big boobs who thought i Was funny at some show I did. unless…….
you guys let me down, all this talk of Monty Python and no one brought up the witch thing and Anne? Come on guys, that was an easy one!
I’m not a witch! I’m not a witch! Smoggy turned himself into a newt! (And he got better.)
well there is only on true way to know if you’re a witch!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yp_l5ntikaU
Did you dress her as a witch?
just watched it on saturday. weeeeeeeeeeird.
there are ways to tell if she’s a witch…
no. no! well, yes, a bit. a bit. we did do the nose.
What makes you think she is a witch?
she turned me into a newt!!
A NEWT!?
Well … I turned part of him into a newt. But it doesn’t show when he’s dressed.
hey-oh!!!!!
i cursed a lot watching football yesterday without properly capitalizing.
i said “god-damnit!!” instead of “Him-Damnit!!!”
God smote 3/4″ off of my dong. down to 8 1/4…which isn’t bad for a white guy, i guess. sucks being down 1 3/4″ from my penis apex, though.
hallelujah
amen
praise the Lord!!!!!!
Let’s play guess the Monty Python reference. I’ll start:
“I never wanted to be a hairdresser…”
Wait! I know that one–
BARBER:
I wanted to be… a lumberjack!
Leaping from tree to tree, as they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia. The Giant Redwood. The Larch. The Fir! The mighty Scots Pine! The lofty flowering Cherry! The plucky little Aspen! The limping Roo tree of Nigeria. The towering Wattle of Aldershot! The Maidenhead Weeping Water Plant! The naughty Leicestershire Flashing Oak! The flatulent Elm of West Ruislip! The Quercus Maximus Bamber Gascoigni! The Epigillus! The Barter Hughius Greenus!
With my best buddy by my side, we’d sing! Sing! Sing!
[singing]
I’m a lumberjack, and I’m okay.
I sleep all night and I work all day.
etc.
“Analbandido”???
Is there no end to the crazy names Smoggy will stick on himself? Witness the fact that we call him SMOGGY. I’ll bet his real name is John Doe.
CURSE YOU, ANNE JOHNSON!
John! Nice gravatar!. It looks just like you.
You mean I opened a My Space account for nothing?
Crap. I thought I had the right Josh. That’s too bad, because my Josh is really funny.
A question:
Do I really like you people, or is it just Stockholm Syndrome?
it’s not healthy, yoyo.
doesn’t hurt too much, though.
John Doe looks strangely like Smoggy Batzrubble.
Curtis, I’m starving! What’s for lunch?
Yo Yo! You like us! You really like us! (Sniff)
Where is Nun today?
What’s not to like about those folks?
Maybe you’re thinking of
Patty Hearst Syndrome …
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ad6s0gUgiwc
Anne: I have the day off since I worked the weekend. I made a lettuce salad with green apples, dried cranberries, walnuts, and a vinaigrette dressing. Thought I might give the arteries a break today!
Aw, come Yo, you like us and you know it.
Nun’s here watching you yahoos try to keep yourselves occupied while God is away on His Divine Vacation at DisneyWorld.
Nun is also wondering if the US government has been put in charge of the NFL this year. Seriously! WTF!!
But do I reallly like you all? Or have I become acclimatized to the atmosphere of put-downs, sexual comments, and desparation as our lives circle the drain?
At least you realize it’s all a show, Yo. Unlike poor, clueless Ben.
curtis you must have the wrong guy! my identity is safe (except for Nun, Cracka, and Ben the blabber).
I sure wish I was a fly on the wall as Obama met with Bush, the same Bush that Obama threw under the bus this whole campaign! I would love to be there for the Laura Bush and Michelle Obama meeting too! If only I was omnipresent like God.
Josh
I’m still lurking …
…but I won’t tell about the “B”
I forgot Tony Snow found me, and contacted me. Tony’s pretty cool for a dead guy.
Sometimes we’re not all that dead,
like Kenneth Lay
…Welcome to the Grand Illusion!
Yo, I’m an obscenity-spouting mass of hatreds who is in to bestiality.
What’s not to like?
maybe when God comes back from his adventures on space mountain He will tell us what bush and obama had to say to each other.
“you know, blacky—that’s what i’ll call you because you’re black…i’m good with nicknames—anyway, blacky, for a black guy you’re not half bad. must be the white half. heh heh heh.”
“fuck you, w.”
Well Smoggy, when you put it that way…
all I know is thank Him the election is over so Heroes can come back on the air. So far this season has been lack luster, but it’s still better than 2 and a half men!!!!
Batzrubble’s a liar. He’s as straight as they come. Still in his first marriage, kids, mortgage, respectable job, never put a foot wrong his whole life, never even inhaled, voted green. So eager to please everyone he’s about to explode. Balances it all by wanking and writing anonymous obscenities on a comedy blog. What a sad fucker!!!!
BATZRUBBLE’S AN ARESEHOLE. HE’S A PATHETIC PUSSY. TELL HIM TO FUCK OFF AND GET A LIFE.
“2 and a half men” - Isn’t that Cracka’s description of himself?
FUCK OFF AND GET A LIFE BATZRUBBLE, YOU… pathetic… puss…
hey!
JD’s right Smoggy. You’re about as pathetic as they come. You’re what? About a year younger than Obama? You see him wasting hours every day?
AW FUCK OFF! I don’t hurt anybody. I’m not a murderer or a rapist. And Obama’s a freak–he’s too perfect. Most of us sheeple aren’t like that. Ask God. I pay my fucking taxes. I feed my family. WANKERS!!!!
You’re having a breakdown aren’t you Smog?
Yo Yo,
The Grand Illusion indeed.
My favorite sci-fi plot
You’re hearing voices in your head telling you you’re a loser, aren’t you Smog?
And you talk to yourself for no discernible reason whatsoever. Or is this supposed to be comedy?
sob…drool…the eyes…the eyes…
Smoggy,
Try walking around and talking into a
cell phone that’s not activated.
People won’t know the difference.
Hey Nun! Nice tits.
I’ve just bought an Alpaca. Fancy a threesome?
But don’t do it without the phone.
People will think you’re nuts.
Tits on a nun … Hah!
Ahhh..thanks for the tip Tony. That would explain the funny looks.
I hate you Batzrubble, you pathetic puddle of excrement. I’m going to stalk you and destroy you and gut you like a lab rat.
so many alternate usernames, it’s night of the living Bens!!!!!
Aren’t alpacas sort of tall for that?
I don’t understand the fascination with alternate usernames, here or elsewhere.
Am I the only person who thinks that Douchebag was Ben?
Fake usernames are just part of the
Grand Illusion. Are Josh and Anne
the only “real” folks here?
Well, that’s a bummer, Josh. I was looking forward to corresponding, but this blog will do.
I have, on occasion, been called a Yo Yo. And once, when I dropped a hammer on a friend’s foot, was called a mother_.
Last I checked, I was pretty real.
Tony,
It’s not an illusion if everybody knows the truth.
Nun,
The Truth is, it’s all an Illusion!
Man, reality can be a bitch.
Tony,
You only say that because you’re dead.
Smoggy’s dead now too.
I think I am Tony Snow, therefore
I am Tony Snow.
Smoggy was never alive, he’s just
a ghost on the InfoBahn.
Bah! Tony Snow was incapable of thinking, therefore, you are not Tony Snow.
Tony thought he was thinking,
which is good enough for Faux.
“I think, therefore I am”, said Descartes.
His wife asked him, “Want to go to the opera with me?”
“I think not” he replied, and vanished.
actually my name is not josh it’s Chow Fun.
I bet Nun’s real name is something very white, like Sara or Beth, maybe even Blaire.
Nun,
I blog behind his persona because both
his name and his face say “Fuck You”
I don’t really feel that way, it’s just a
means of getting noticed … or is it?
Josh,
I would kill myself if any of those were my name. I won’t disclose my first name but Gillian Anderson and I share the same middle name.
Yo Yo,
Rene went into Mickey D’s and ordered
a burger. “Want some fries with that?” said the clerk?
“I think not …
D’ Ors said something similar, a few years after Decartes.
Or was it the other way around? I’m always putting Decartes before D’ Ors.
(Signed)
Yo Yo Decartes
Standup Philosopher
Smoggy’s gone schizo because his country just elected a conservative president who wants to curb the sheep population, send troops to Iran, and build sixteen new coal-burning power plants in a wildlife refuge.
But I gotta wonder what time it is in NZ. It’s almost happy hour here, and Smog’s been here all day.
Pardon me for repeating myself, Smoggy, but … get a life.
I’m pink, therefore I’m Spam.
Ooops! Wrong gravitar.
It was 10.40 am when a slit Batfucker’s throat and drank his blood.
Spam, lovely spam!
I was wondering if we could get in another Monty Python reference, thanks for providing the Spam, Anne.
Where’s bloodvork? Haven’t seen him in ages…
The blue stuff is Spam that’s been frozen.
Where’s Lucifer?
Lucifer, Zeus, and Bloodvork have moved in together.
fags
Where?
I’ve barbecued Smoggy’s cock and I’m eating is from a skewer with peanut dipping sauce. Johnson’s right, it tastes of mutton.
You can have 300
Ah, the other whitey meat
I miss Zeus! We Pagans gotta stick together.
And I think Bloodvork is cute too. Lucifer is a horse’s ass.
Nun,
your middle name is Leigh? That’s pretty white. Is your first name becky sue? so curious for Nun.
Ben thinks, “I wish I knew Anne Johnson’s first name”
Black people share my first name, Josh. But it’s not Shaquisha.
not too many black people share my first name, but my middle name is hella popular now, because of one black dude.
you’re name is Cynthia or Diane!!!!
Way to go, Josh Hussein Ching Chong.
I would tell you my first name, Josh, but not here since I’ve already let spill with my middle name and I’ll eventually let spill that Gillian Anderson and I are also the same age, almost to the day. Oh… oops.
Anyway, that would be fodder for a private conversation.
I bought a Nun costume and a dildo! It’s identiy theft time baby!!!!
you can email me, it’s myrealfirstname@fistnamelastname.com
Sorry, Josh. Not into fisting.
damn it!!!!!
Josh Baloney Ching-Chong?
My first name is “Curtis”.
Josh, I tried to send you an email, but it bounced back. Don’t you even know your own email address?
curtis you got the wrong guy!
let’s say my name is Barack Obama, which it’s not. then my email would be Barack@BarackObama.com, seriously, really.
I’m just Joshin’ you, Josh.
Josh,
I sent an email to Josh@JoshObama.com and I got a reply back from some guy who wants me to send him naked pictures of my awesome titties. Is that you?
Josh,
Correct me if I’m wrong but don’t most comics say that nothing is off-limits when it comes to their craft? I read the blog and that’s a nice thing but really, if it’s gold, it’s gold.
nun you raise an excellent point, nothing is off limits to a good comic. to this I say Louis CK, one of the best comics out there, he writes for Chris Rock, he talked about his wife and their kids and it was great. He’s now divorced, and vows to never ever talk about his personal life again.
Look up his joke called bag of dicks, it’s a classic.
I should try anne@annejohnson.com just to see which of the 341,000 Anne Johnsons in America got the web site.
I kind of want to start a Facebook group called “My Name Is Anne Johnson.” But the thought that I’d get 2,000 Christian fundamentalist Anne Johnsons poking me isn’t very appealing.
fuck.
that’s my scarborough impression. pretty good, huh?
Louis CK got divorced?? Damn. I need to pay more attention.
To be fair, women are bitches and I honestly agree with the viewpoint that if somebody’s in that kind of position, then those around them need to realize they’re fair game when it comes to the act. So many people are selfish, not to mention that some worry too much about what others are thinking of them.
I remember Louis CK’s act and I remember laughing. I do not, however, remember anything specific that he said about his wife, just that he was fucking funny when talking about her and his family.
I think I’d make a damn fine partner for a funny type guy. Are you reading this, Jon Stewart? You hotty, you. I know you’re married with children. I’ll be happy being your little side buddy that nobody knows about.
heh… Cracka said something that was actually funny.
and you’re what exactly? a comedic genius? stupid slutty cleavaged tits hanging out in a desparate plea for attention nun.
i remember louis ck talking about how his daughter is an asshole and his wife won’t fuck him. it was funny.
Louis CK’s whole sitcom was his life and it was not flattering to his wife and kid. He talked abotu them all the time, and it let to him getting served divorce papers.
Hey! My daughter is an asshole! Can I be a comedienne?
Norman Chad was already divorced when he wrote his book about being a sports t.v. junkie. But he trashed his ex so bad in that book I’m surprised she didn’t clock him.
It’s hard to do comedy about politics unless you can do impressions. I never thought Dennis Miller was a bit funny, and I hate Bill Maher. Uppity non-cracka jerk.
My son is a loser who doesn’t try his best. Does that make me a comedienne or does it just make me the mother of a loser?
impressions? Are you serious Anne? Chris rock does politics and I don’t see he acting liek W up there.
You can do anything and make it funny, if you’re smart and act like Batman (ie batman is prepared for anything)
dennis miller was more entertaining than funny, simply because he has such a strange manner of speaking and tries to use words that few people understand. bill maher is not as smart as he thinks he is, which makes him very annoying. he’s really condescending…and he’s clearly a dork who’s using his fame to make up for years of ridicule at the hands of non-dorks.
nun,
having a looser son gives you the base of which to spring from and be a comic, as does Anne’s a-hole kid. the trick is finding the funny in it.
did anyone see religious (or whatever bill maher’s movie is called)? I heard it was good. FYI - bill maher loves black tail.
I wonder if Jesus and Mary went to DisneyWorld with God. If They did, I wonder if They engage in Mickey Mouse hunts with God.
josh, a son looser than what?
religulous. no, not yet.
Anne: Roast beef with gravy, mashed potatoes, buttered corn, cheesy chicken and potato soup (basically fondue), and apple pie.
I saw two salads in the chiller and one portion of raw celery.
The Seahawks will finally start with their starting QB. Woo-fuckin’-hoo. Maybe we’ll win a fucking game.
Curtis: I’m there! But maybe only for a few more days. When I return to the Vo-Tech, I get lunches like that from their culinary department. But even there, in an urban school, you can order steamed vegetables on the side — and they’ve got a complete salad bar.
Maybe if I turn it into comedy, my daughter’s asshole behavior won’t bother me so much. So here goes: I would sell her, but there’s a Lemon Law in New Jersey.
Nun,
I meant loser, it’s just when I type a message to you my mind always wants to type looser.
I think Cracka actually killed Ben.
well, i thought he would be able to post from the afterlife like tony or as a zombie like josh. guess i overkilled him a little bit. maybe it was the woodchipper.
I knew what you meant, Josh but thanks for hurting my feelings.
Stupid, yellow bastard! 
I feel bad for Ben. He thinks we all hate him but he doesn’t seem to understand the finer details of this blog.
ben doesn’t understand how lucky he is, the character of the donkey given to him on this blog took all the work out of it for him. He didn’t have to pretend to be a slut, or a white guy, or an old engineer. You guys gave him a role, he just doesn’t get it’s all make believe.
PS - I heard Anne is a vampire witch!!!!
I’m not a vampire witch! I’m not a vampire witch! Go stock the shelves of your supermarket, Asian nasty man.
poor, stupid, silly ben.
i’m not pretending to be white. i’m pretending to be hateful.
No, he doesn’t get that it’s all fakery and strategery. Ben takes it far too seriously.
I heard vampire witches take great delight in torturing Ching-Chongs so you’d better hope Anne’s not really a vampire witch, Josh.
I thought we really DID all hate Ben.
Luckily, I don’t have to play any type of stereotypical role.
Wait a sec, Curtis. So you really are an evangelist? Like, praise the Lord and all that tired crap?
I didn’t hate Ben. I hated his gravatar.
i hated ben’s face, i mean the one time he got a FACE, i fucking hated it.
http://newsdurhamregion.com/news/article/112449
http://www.xtra.ca/public/National/Brazen_attack_alleged_in_Oshawa-5839.aspx
Mark Scott, 43, from Oshawa Ontario is a fucking asshole.
he is. but did anyone else read it and when the lesbo says “He hit me, then i hit my truck..” think man these are some stereotype lesbians? A truck and those haircuts?
I bet mark wouldn’t have hit them if they were linsay lohan lesbians (but not her ugly GF).
you know who else is an asshole? Josh
mark’s weirdin’ me out. i got a serious case of the heebeegeebees from that guy…and the willies. a sometimes lethal combination.
Where is everybody?? Has anybody noticed that the counter has either stopped working or nobody new is checking the site? Where’s Bridgette? Where’s Zeus? Where’s Lucifer? Where’s Der Dude? Where’s Douchebag?
this site seems to be loosing it’s following.
I blame God, because He controls everything including the number of posts He does (or doesn’t do) and the amount of hate in each post.
Josh,
My pussy is tight. I just thought you should know so you can stop hurting my feelings with your Freudian slips. Yellow bastard.
Well, you see, this is why I’m a Pagan. God is too busy to write a blog. He’s got earthquakes and tsunamis, and televangelists urging people to pray to him. Shit piles up on his desk like a schoolteacher in an overcrowded classroom.
On the other hand, the Druid gods and goddesses are just sitting around playing Apples to Apples. If you pray to one of them, they hop to it and get busy. They appreciate your custom!
Funniest part is, one of the major Goddesses is … drum roll … Bridgette.
I don’t make this stuff up. It’s easier to Google her under Brighid, but the pronunciation’s the same.
What’s in a name, Bridgette?
My pussy’s tight too. The wine botte fell over on the floor.
… bottle …
At this rate I’ll be back at the top of the disciple list.
Nun,
do you mean tight in the literal sense or in the figurative as in “man me and my boys hit that and her pussy is tight, right and out of sight!”
as i recall you had a dwarf or two or eight up in there.
I mean tight as in I could rip your dick off with my twat if I wanted.
i hate you people. this new Obama world is going to be so pretentious and smug. wait till all his plans fail and the corruption goes even more through the roof. what then?
Jail is what they do
To people who try to lead
In the name of God
Martin Luther King,
Jesse Jackson, Malcolm X,
John, Paul, and Jesus
Don’t trust anyone
Who has never been in jail
To be your leader
thanks, ben!!!
shut up.
Shut your hole, Ben, before I bury you in one!
Him Dammit! I mean, shut your hole, Ben, before I put you in one.
“Don’t trust anyone
Who has never been in jail
To be your leader”
What about that putz Chuck Colson?
“I mean tight as in I could rip your dick off with my twat if I wanted.”
Well there’s a Kodak moment.
Ben if you’re suggesting that the next four years will be worse than the last eight, then you are indeed just what you look like in your gravitar.
STFU
NO, you STFU. Americans are dumb and they don’t realize that the problems choking us to death are bigger than one man can solve.
Well, some Americans are dumb.
Ben has a point. I think Obama was the best option available to us and I have no doubt that he’ll handle the position with intelligence and compassion and empathy… growing up as a darkie can do that to a person. However, I worry about what Obama will be up against. If there’s a shadow government within the government, as The X-Files taught us, then rest assured that they are from the boys club and are old-school and will not take kindly to an uppity negro trying to make things better for the commoner. I just hope they don’t kill the guy.
Josh,
I have to ask you about a comment you made yesterday. You mentioned something about Ben and being a donkey. You don’t think my burro is Ben, do you?
what the fuck is a burro.
nah Ben is just a donkey here, the collective person who we all shit on. the thing is if Ben was funny, or smart, or witty, or anything but a retard he could turn it around and be the funniest person here. but alaso ben is simple, which is why god loves him.
Also based on Ben’s track record, he could be your donkey and 5 other people on this site.
I did find some actual footage of Ben though:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rt5sQBjEj1c
Nun, I agree that Obama is facing challenges from without and within. But you would be surprised by some of the people in the shadow government. There are a lot of these people living in Western Maryland, where I grew up. And they’re not as much of a danger to our new prez as the white motherfuckers down South who will be trying to lynch him from Day One.
Yes indeed there is a shadow government, complete with comfy bunkers.
Ben, you’re a burro. Try dictionary.com.
Does Ben really not know what a burro is? What a fucking dumbass.
Josh,
I want to know if he was Douchebag. Most of the roles he plays he gives away himself, just like Smoggy.
Anne,
Are the shadow government people you know in charge of the NFL? I have a bone to pick with them. And the Titans?! Really??
shut up!! just shut up!!!!!!!!!!!SHUT. UP.
Hey - I don’t know what a burro is, either. (Is a burro the furniture in the bedroom for keeping clothes off the floor?)
S’matter, cracka?
Hey! The counter works again.
Geesh, I take a break form this site because a couple of people were getting all paranoid & I come back to read this shit. Any reference to Ben being me is a personal attack on me.
Nun, you think too much. If you lived on the east coast I could hook you up with my prescription happy doctor. Perhaps a couple of Xanax would do you good. Add a few drinks & it’s bye bye paranoia. Seriously, everyone should try it.
Josh, glad to see you made it out of Chinktown alive.
I love God so much for knowing what is in our hearts. He’s Magical.
I think “too much”? I’d rather think too much than not enough, otherwise, I’m indistinguishable from the rest of the dumbass Americans.
people who think other people are stupid are usually stupid.
You’re just bitter because you’re stupid and ugly. Poor Cracka.
It’s lunchtime. Where’s Curtis?
I’m not sure we should pity Cracka. There are a lot of stupid, ugly people out there who live large.
Yeah but not penis large, just fat gut large.
HAHAHA, ahhhh… I crack me up.
your FACE-ing skills have deteriorated greatly. it happened around the time you went with the whorey gravatar. figures.
i like the whore gravatar.
its got tits in it.
I think people are smart and beautiful.
♪ People..who neeeed people,
Are the luckiest people in the world.♫
that means you are not a cynical narcissistic slut, yoyo.
or, your frame of reference for judging the beauty of others is some old guy in the mirror.
you pick.
yoyo, you sounded a little pitchy there. try to relax and let the note melt away as you exhale.
Cracka,
Let me try explaining this once again for the mentally challenged. When I talk about your miniscule penis, fat gut, or ugly face, I am not attempting a FACE, I am merely being honest. I don’t judge you for your faults, I just calls ‘em like I sees ‘em.
Dammit, I keep having some trouble with breath control.
Are we going to crack 500 on this blog? Where’s God?
Meatloaf, baked potato, stewed tomatoes, cheeseburger soup (basically fondue), and peach pie.
I can feel you guys lurking.
God is ending the world in 6 months and 11 days. If I’m counting correctly, May 23rd, 2009.
What’s special about that date?
blah
I think God’s getting married on May 23rd.
Darn it! I was so close! Good job, Josh.
Him Dammit! My day will come! Mark my words!
nun was funnier when she was blue and spiky. now she just looks like someone who wishes they looked like a comic book character so that adolescent boys would jerk off to her likeness.
and i’ve still got 8 1/4 inches. if only i can find a way to grow more penis!
cracka just believe, and just like Michael Rappaport’s super powers in the movie Special you’re penis will be huge to you! Good luck and my delusion and lie guide your penis to being 10 inches long!!!!
Yo yo!
I didn’t get my invite you bastard!!!
http://www.cnn.com/2008/SHOWBIZ/Music/11/12/yoyo.ma/index.html
Curtis, grab me a plate! This may be my last day of sitting home pretending to be a writer. I’m re-instated at the Vo-Tech. They called this morning at 5:45, but I had to finish the writing assignments.
The food at the Vo-Tech is awesome.
Cracka, you know what you gotta do to keep that woody. Clap if you believe in faeries!
Josh: Wrong Yo Yo. Our Yo Yo is smart enough not to try to mix cello and bluegrass music. I’ll never forgive that motherfucker.
What morons thought THAT was worthy of a Grammy?
Nun, to be candid, I’m jealous of your large, perky titties. And your abilities as a seductress. Flaunt it, gal!
they give grammies to all kinds of horrible musicians, johnson. awards shows make me crazy with rage. the oscars: a bunch of pretentious rich people congratulating each other for making millions of dollars selling mediocre shit to stupid people. grammy’s: a bunch of egomaniacal rich people who have been told so many times they are geniuses that they actually believe thay are geniuses giving awards to each other for tricking the public into buying shitty albums written by production teams, approved in board rooms, performed by cookie cutter teenage pop stars. disgusting.
i ate a big mac. but, i ordered DIET coke…cuz i’m watching my figure.
now, i feel pretty bad.
i remember now why i never eat fast food.
okay, i’m definitely gonna puke.
nun’s mouth would make an interesting urinal.
Anne,
Cracka is jealous of them too. His sag way too much and really disgust people who have no love for the man-boobs. If you’ll notice, he’s the only one who doesn’t like my gravatar, proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is horribly jealous.
Josh, sorry about the missing invitation - I thought you got yours through the Ching-Chong network. Tell you what - I need an opening act, can you whip up some topical humour for the road show?
damn you , nun!!! i’ll have you know my bench press is impressive as hell. i can rep 225 lbs. 8-10 times, bitch!!! and mine are REAL!!!!!!!!!!! no sag. no silicon.
Cracka,
Nobody cares about your bench pressing abilities in an atmosphere with no gravity.
And mine are real too. Just ask burro.
Si, esas tetas son verdaderas
cracka, I want to believe you about the bench press, but it’s hard when you blew are your credibility on the whole “big penis” thing.
atmosphere with no gravity?
you mean the webosphere?
because in the webosphere i can bench press eleventy billion tons…
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,450445,00.html
nun,
Just like cracka, without proof I ain’t buying it.
josh. it’s God’s choice about the penis. i’m sure He’ll take it back again any minute and i’ll go back to overcompensating by constantly working out in an effort to live up to an unattainable body image.
Josh,
I’m no idiot so no, I’m not sending a yellow Ching-Chong a picture of my beautiful titties. Believe my burro or not, he’s actually touched them, but that’s all you’re getting.
i don’t believe any of you are even real. what proof do i have? thinking is hard.
nun, i just can’t trust a mexican donkey.
cracka: You are right. You were too proud of your penis and too slothful with it. You didn’t use it enough. It is now half and inch long and half an inch wide. Use it well.
The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away!
Like I said before Cracka, God is always watching, He’s all knowing and all powerful!!!! Penis Smite!!!!
Amen
“Penis Smite!!!!” Aaaand we have a winner for Best New Phrase! From now on, when something bad happens at work, I shall look skyward and intone, “Penis Smite!”
who else thinks that Nun’s burro is one of her gays? just me?
crap.
“thinking is hard” - the slogan of the Bush administration.
I dunno - the burro may be a sock puppet.
i screwed my wife in the vagina at least 3 times a day without spilling a drop of precious semen. just so you guys know: that’s not enough. (she’s going to be sooooooo disappointed when she gets home)
what are you doing still standing there?!!! go screw something!!!!!!!!!!!!! do you want to end up like me?????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PENIS SMITE!!!!!!!!!!!!
(is hilarious)
We’ve just had our first official Penis Smite © here at work. Someone had a flash drive plugged into the back of their laptop and forgot about it. They closed the case and stood the laptop up on the hinged end. SNAP! A busted flash drive.
To make it worse, he’d stored all his documents on the flash drive, as he didn’t trust the laptop’s hard drive.
Josh,
You got it. He one of my tokens except he prefers to be bi now and I keep irritating him because I refuse to recognize his bi-ness.
God smited the holy hell out of another Haitian school. Stupid Haitians.
“Thinking is the hardest job in the world. That’s why so few people engage in it.” - Henry Ford
that’s not a penis smite, yoyo.
you see this?!!!
NO?!!!
YOU KNOW WHY YOU CAN’T SEE IT?!!!!!!!!!!
PENIS SMITE, THAT’S WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Damn the gays, damn them to hell!!!!!
Why is it gays can just touch some titty with no repercussions! This one gay my wife worked with slapped her ass, and she did nothing!!!!
Nun, I’m gay now so can you send me some pictures of your boobs, it’s for some research I’m workign on for some stupid breeder.
Sorry, Josh. I’m one of the “thinkers”.
And if Yo really thinks my burro is me then he really does subscribe to the whole “thinking is hard” school of thought.
why not?
ben has many guises…many stupid guises.
smoggy has many guises…many foreign guises.
smoggy, you should come up with an american guise.
josh is a bunch of guises in one…asian, black, black-asian, joke criticizer.
yo has been yo descartes and yo bedevere…just in this one thread.
why couldn’t you be yourself and your imaginary friend?
it’s not that far-fetched.
WHY, GOD, WHY?????
my penis is like a michelangelo painting now!!!!!!!!!!
WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME, LORD????!!!!!!!!!!
(amen)
Gee, Cracka. Let’s take a stab at this. With all the examples you’ve mentioned, there is a certain similarity between the posting styles. Or is that a concept that is too difficult for you and Yo to grasp? No wonder you think thinking is hard.
oh my gawd Nun you look fabulous!!!!
I love what you did to your hair!
Cracka, I am no longer interested in going out “drinking” with you.
Josh, #436. You do nothing for my gaydar, but it may be on the fritz. Want to go out “drinking”?
Nun, I wish I had a burro.
Yo, you copyrighted “Penis Smite”??
Anne, you missed a terrific lunch.
Curtis you could “have” a burro.
Yeah, Curtis. My burro does have a bit of a crush on you.
Curtis, yeah, a copyright. If you use ‘Penis Smite’ in a sentence, you have to send me 2 cents. Also, you can borrow my gaydar, to cross-check Josh.
Cracka, buck up. Your penis could look like a Salvador Dali painting.
Nun, with your paranoid tendencies, you would disguise your regular writing style. In fact, your ‘Nun’ style is the disguised one, ‘alucard’ is the real deal.
Cracka, actually, the broken object wasn’t a flash drive, but rather a ‘dongle’, for the laptop owner’s wireless mouse. So, breaking it off really was a penis smite! ©
all i’m saying is it’s possible. you could be smart enough to have a kierkegaardian approach to posting on comedy blogs. it’s hard to say. i don’t personally think you are alucard, but maybe you developed an extremely rare personality disorder or something. it’s possible.
just because you’re paranoid
don’t mean i’m not after you
Quite frankly, I think posting under more than one name is stupid and I don’t see the point. Nor does it ever seem to be humorous although that generally seems to be the motivation in doing so.
As for my burro, I’ve found from this blog that his spelling is atrocious. I’ve actually been considering hating him with the intensity of some suns for his poor spelling but he’s Mexican so maybe I should give him a break. Stupid Mexicans.
In short, believe what you want. It’s not like I care too much.
(dick fingers) dongle (dick fingers)
that’s a good word
Great. Now my burro is hurt because I’m mean. Thanks a lot, Cracka!
Yeah, I love saying dongle, just to see if the PC idiots here run to HR. If I can work dongle, hard drive, flash, finger, RAM, Wang, and male/female sockets into a conversation, I consider the day well spent.
i’m glad to hear you don’t skimp on aspiration, yoyo.
the true nun is revealed. a mean-hearted, paranoid, mexican-hating boob-faker….oooooooooh.
And again Cracka proves why it’s too hard to think. My boobs are real, you fucking idiot. As for the rest, you’re pretty spot on.
Damned right, I-! Wait, what is aspiration? This is isn’t some ‘gay’ codeword, is it?
i don’t know…they look animated to me.
well, yoyo, it either means ambition or removing body fluid with a giant, painful needle. i assume you have both in spades.
fuck it. i’m going to go get drunk (again).
now
fuck off.
“removing body fluid with a giant, painful needle.”
Well, how else d’you empty your bladder? Sheesh!
What a jerkoff God. Comes back just long enough to penis smite.
Guess I should be glad he doesn’t vagi-smite. But of course he couldn’t vagi-smite me, because I DON’T WORSHIP HIS SORRY ASS!
I always post as me, reserving the cute pink triangle for extra-special occasions.
Ha ha! cracka has a teeny tiny chubby!
See what my posting did? It got you all thinking. Thinking is not bad. In fact, it’s a good thing. What I meant by thinking too much was the kind of thinking that makes you paranoid.
You start out being paranoid. Next thing you know you are a prisoner in your own home, everyone & everything is out to get you. Bad shit. Not cool.
anne, sorry to hear you have to return to work. That just sucks.
Dear Mr. Yo Yo,
On behalf of my client, Josh Mr. T Ching-Chong, I ask that you cease and desist from all use of the words “PENIS SMITE”. Based on the irrefutable evidence outlined in God’s Holy Blog, it was my client Josh Mr. T Ching-Chong, who owns all rights, power and revenue associated with the term “PENIS SMITE”
Any further use of the phrase with result in penalties up to an including a PENIS SMITE.
Signed,
Jew Lawyer esq.
Hey curtis,
if you mean by “go drinking” that we’ll go out and bang taints, then lets do it, UI’m “thirsty”!!!
Nun I am so gay for Curtis that your boobs do nothing for me!!!!
So, you’re Douche bag. Good job, Josh.
Josh said: “Nun I am so gay for Curtis that your boobs do nothing for me!!!!”
Cracka’s might make your dick twitch though.
Nun,
I’m only Josh on this site, I have no idea who douchy is, or anyone else for that matter.
Cracka’s little wang make me twitch? Sorry Nun, even though I am gay now does not mean that I have no standards.
Just fuck his man-titties. You’re not alone in not wanting to touch his wee willie. Across the board; gay or straight, male or female, nobody wants to touch Cracka’s wee willie.
except my jewish lawyer, I know that bastard very well.
I saw you sic him on the thieving cracka. Good show, chinky.
Sorry Nun. Josh is right. He is not me. No one is me but, well, me. I don’t like the multiple posting thing either. That’s just childish.
It’s stupid and dumb. Let’s talk shit about all the dumbasses who think that stupid shit is funny.
Smoggy does that… he’s a sheep-fucker but he’s rather proud of that so that’s not really talking shit about him. God did let us know that he’s got a tiny wiener and he sucks at math. Fucking Cheerio fuckers!!
Yo does that shit… Yo is a cracka. Fucking crackas!!
Ben does that shit… Ben is an idiot, a sensitive idiot but an idiot nonetheless. Fucking idiots!!
yeah, I agree. people with multiple personality disorder are so stupid dumb.
Josh is gay now? Woot! One more for our agenda to take over the world and have civil rights! Although, you are Asian, so my excitement is dampened a bit.
Yeah - my “gay agenda”:
1. Get up on time and curse the fact that I have to work twice as long to pay off a mortgage on a house that is half the value of what I paid for it.
2. Solve a whole bunch of problems relating to keeping my department compliant with ridiculous Federal and State regulations whilst trying to figure out how I’m going to provide quality clinical laboratory testing when I only get paid $8.00 for a test that costs me $20.00 to perform.
3. Recycle.
4. Find a way to save money to put my nephew in college when his father won’t get off his lazy ass to find a job.
5. Make a trip home to visit my mother who lives 500 miles away.
6. Continue to pay thousands of dollars to legally keep my British partner in the US.
7. Wonder what the fuck happened to my 401K and stock market investments and worry that I won’t be able to retire until the age of 87.
8. Worry about the rapidly declining state of our environment.
9. Have a panic attack at the thought of facing tomorrow.
10. Consider shopping for new shoes.
Wow. Sounds pretty fucking fagoty gay to me. We fucking queers are ruining this country.
I’m going to have a beer now. Maybe two.
Ben=Village Idiot
Village Idiot=Ben’s occupation
Village=Too many Ben’s on the face of the earth
curtis,
most of your gay agenda has nothing to do with being gay!!! Gay it up man or I’m calling the Bureau of Homo Affairs to get your card revoked.
watch this video, and if you like it I can hook you up with the operating system he runs on:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBUImjOCg5g
Sirs:
Regarding your communication rec’d this 12 Nov 2008 at 10:36 pm: We deny your previous claim to copyright of said “Penis Smite, and maintain we own quit claim deed to same instrument as previously copyrighted.
FURTHERMORE, since on the date of first publication, one or more of the authors is a national or domiciliary of the United States, or is a national, domiciliary, or sovereign authority of a treaty party, or is a stateless person wherever that person may be domiciled, and Josh, as a self-confessed Chinky-Chow, Chong, does not meet the minimal stand as set forth in Federal law.
And FURTHERMORE, Publication is no longer the key to obtaining federal copyright as it was under the Copyright Act of 1909, § 302.1 (1978 rev.)
HENCE, Josh, his heirs, or other assigns, have no legal claim to the copyright of said “Penis Smite”.
As set forth on this day of November 13, 2008 Anno Domni.
Curtis: Item # 3 on your list: ‘Recycle’
Clearly you are one of those damned hippy tree huggin’, Volvo drivin’, tofu eatin’ Earth lovin’ gays, trying to save the world so you can take it over.
There’s not a damn thing wrong with hugging a tree! I’ll see you potty mouths at 3:30, unless I send you to detention!
Perfect gravatar for this job!
Is Substitute Teacher hot?
i’m pretty sure God was the first one to coin the phrase ‘Penis Smite.’ Not completely sure about that, but I know i’ve heard it before this thread.
substitute teacher johnson?
i’ve been clapping and believing and clapping all night and i’ve only grown back 1 1/4″ of my penis back. is there a faster way to get a big one? i now have a 1 3/4″ penis. this is terrible. i do not have man boobies. nun is a lying whore…like all women who pretend to be hot on the internet.
in the case of chinky chink ching chong josh v. yo yo mama (cpyrt-”penis smite” 2008) the court finds that in regards to God’s Holy Blog all phrasing, nicknames, jokes, smites, blessings, hatings, gay butt references, indeed all content herein in and/or variations thereof are property of God and God’s Divine Blog; therefore subject to the stewardship of God’s Faithful Disciples as indicated on His Divine Blog, up to and including even douchebags such as douchebag and ben (shut up). All proceeds procured thereof are then subject to tithing in the amount of 50% and killing fatties in the amount of 50%.
there is no appellate court in hell. tear down the wall.
looks like wapner has spoken.
now back to telling ben to shut up.
“herein in” my judge is dumb.
hear hear!
You’re all dumb. There’s no reason to single somebody out as dumb. Dumbasses.
I’m going to ask God why He made men so dumb.
http://ausiellofiles.ew.com/2008/11/breaking-nbc-ax.html?cnn=yes
Ha-Ha! Back to the garbage heap for Christian Slater and Brooke Shields.
I feel bad for shows nowadays though… they don’t give them a chance to develop an audience. I think Lipstick Jungle has had ample opportunity and failed but My Own Worst Enemy didn’t get a fair shot. Hasn’t it been cancelled after 4 shows or something like that?
“I’m going to ask God why He made men so dumb.”
So we’d be on an equal footing with women.
He hates women but He didn’t make us dumb. I wonder if part of the reason He’s so angry is because He can’t figure out how something made in His Wonderful Image ended up so stupid. I feel bad for God, men give Him a bad name.
Sports.
http://www.wetherobots.com/2007/11/09/a-hole/
i think God made women smart enough to know that have some brains but dumb enough not to be able to do anything about their position in life despite being a majority. but on the upside he gave you tits, if your into that sort of thing which i am not cuz I’m gay. fabulous.
I submit the spelling and grammar of the men on this blog, my burro included, as evidence that men are dumber than rocks.
The ads on the sidebar make me smile. It’s like God’s own personal messages to us. God really wants us to date inter-racially. That’s so sweet, loving and tolerant of God. There was even an ad cycling on the Ask God page for adoption through some uptight Christian organization. I thought God was telling me to adopt but now the ad is gone so I guess God doesn’t want me to adopt after all.
Or maybe He’s saving me from adopting another loser who doesn’t try his best. God is so great. I love Him so much!!
see Nun, you prove my point. You’re smart enough to see the errors yet powerless enough to not be able to do anything about it.
might I add you hair looks fabulous!!!!
PS - looked for the SNL sketch where the guy pretends to be gay for 5 years in order to sleep with Anne Hathaway. It was one of their funnier ones. Not that that sketch has ANYTHING to do with me and Nun.
I’m not powerless in bed, Josh. I’m not powerless when I take a penis in my hand and ever so gently… well, you’re a fag, you wouldn’t be interested in what I do with a penis in my hand.
that’s right nun, I’m strictly dickly!!!!
so don’t even think about my penis.
I wouldn’t think of tiny, little yellow nubbin anyway. How is that arousing. When I want to think of a beautiful, lickable and touchable penis, I picture Dave Chappelle’s groin naked.
blah!
Dave Chappelle!!! That dude is like 5 for 3!!! I may be chinky but i’m 6 foot 1!!!!
BTW - did you see him host Inside the Actors Studio’s 200 episoid? it was pretty cool.
nun, if you’re so smart….then why are you so stupid?
i’ll have you know that i went to state in the spelling bee in 8th grade and placed high enough to get a trophy. forgot which word i fucked up…gubernatorial, i think.
i have an aversion toward people that think whole other blocks of people are dumb for no reason other than their own limited experiences, especially the ones that go on long tirades against racism and intolerance. oh, the irony. i dislike superstitious people, too. but, i don’t identify them through vague generalities. i don’t look at my personal experiences as macrocosmic to all of existence. but, then again, i’m not a woman.
I missed that! Damn it!! I never pay enough attention to what’s on the tube since they took away my daytime X-Files episode. Those fucking bastards!!
How is good ol’ Mr. Chappelle doing? And his height doesn’t matter when he’s spread-eagled on my bed.
i’m not a woman!! ha!!!
Cracka,
Obviously you never pay any attention to the shit you post here. Why are you so fucking ignorant?
It was pretty funny, turns out Dave and James Lipton are friends in real life. They have gone to a Jay Z concert together and bowl together. Who knew?
although the interview was supposed to be about Jim Lipton and his story (plugging his new book), it ended up being about Dave as his is much more interesting and funny. but the 2 hour one they did after chappelle came back from africa was better.
i got it on DVR, send me your address and I will mail it to you on a DVD.
I haven’t seen Dave in about a year. He’s still one shoe lift away from being a midget!
Can you picture James Lipton at a Jay Z concert? That’s one of those things that makes my mind clear, like trying to picture infinity. I wonder if he says “wassup my niggas” like that military fella in “Idiocracy”.
Can you email it to me as an attachment? I don’t want your yellow ass trying to track me down, Ho Chi Minh.
email a TV show? see that’s stupid. the thing would be huge!!! it’s a two hour interview. I’ll see if I can upload it to zshare or something and send you a link. but to be honest just check your local listing, it will be on again.
http://www.bravotv.com/Inside_the_Actors_Studio/season/2/index.php
BTW - chappelle says at the Jay Z concert that people where not even suprised to see Lipton, they just shouted him out “Lipton!!”
i saw it. it was funny.
the reason i am ignorant is because i am a cracka, duh. God, why did you make women just barely smart enough to question the natural order of things. a lot of them are hot, so we need them. so, why give them the ability to speak and sort of think? why, GOD, WHY?!!!!!!
“natural order of things” question mark (?)
better not fuck up your grammar today, boys. nun is raggin’.
Yo: #478. No, I drive a Prius.
Anne: Bar-B-Que rib sandwich, potato salad, baked beans, homemade chili, and custard or tapioca pudding. Three lettuce salads in the chiller.
Josh: Now that you’re a gay ching-chang-chong, can you give me some tips for my “gay agenda”? You’re right. It’s way too butch.
Cracka & Nun: Can’t you guys get along just for one day? Try. You hurt daddy when you bicker like that.
With that said, I’m off to a meeting.
Stupid job.
hey guys,
Enter this contest to come to NY. Curtis if you win I will introduce you to some local gays and hopefully we can get you into a parade!
http://www.bravotv.com/Inside_the_Actors_Studio/season/2/flyaway_sweepstakes/index.php
josh is a gaysian. gross.
i’m willing to get along with anyone who’s willing to get along with me (i.e. admit that crackers are superior to “ethnics”)
no fondue soup today? did you run out velveeta?
homemade chili? i thought it was made in a cafeteria? somebody made chili at home and brought it to work?! holy shit, that’s dedication to one’s craft!!
Curtis,
you need to put something in your agenda about Project Runway and Desperate Housewives!!!
Also more shopping, and you need to include time for a mani/pedi in there somewhere.
Where is your gym time? I don’t know one gay who does not work out (Well maybe I know one but he’s sad because all the hot gays get the dudes)
I refuse to get along with Cracka. He’s my arch-nemesis.
That means you’re my enemy Cracka and the rest of you intellectually challenged guys.
he’s your Moliarty. Can I be your Watson?
run!!! its a river of nun vagina blood! achhh!! gurgle gurgle gurgle
Curtis, regarding #511: I drive a Prius, too! However, mine does not have a bumper sticker proclaiming, “Iraq is Arabic for Viet Nam”.
great. ben has drowned in nun’s menstrual discharge. now who are we gonna piss on? (here’s a freebie, curtis)
now that’s funny yo yo!
I wish I could afford a prius, I have a Versa, it’s cool because it was in Heroes.
I don’t think Watson was a chinky-chank, Josh and while I’m all for diversity, I hate that Boomer is now a hot Asian chick and Starbuck is a hot Caucasian chick so no, in the interest of honoring the original work, you cannot be my Watson. You can be my Kato though.
And men assuming a woman is on her period when she calls them out on their stupidity kind of proves their stupidity.
Wikipedia-
An archenemy, archfoe, archvillain or archnemesis (sometimes spelled arch-enemy, arch-foe, arch-villain or arch-nemesis) is the principal enemy of a character in a work of fiction, often described as the hero’s worst enemy (compare nemesis). The reason why the particular villain stands out more than the rest of the protagonist’s rogues gallery varies; they may be the hero’s strongest enemy (Doctor Doom/Mister Fantastic), have strong connections with the hero’s past (the Master/the Doctor), caused the hero a great deal of personal pain (the Joker/Batman), suffering or anguish (Green Goblin/Spider-Man), has the most personal grudge against the hero (Lex Luthor/Superman), or may be the most recurring enemy (Bowser/Mario). In certain cases, it is possible for a hero to possess more than one archenemy, as in the case of Spider-Man with the Green Goblin, Doctor Octopus, and Venom where all three villains have established themselves as the most recurring and the most iconic of Spider-Man’s Rogues Gallery.
nun, we’re going to need you to leave the village and camp out in the desert for a few days until your time of uncleanliness passes.
Watson was smarter than portrayed in the movies, which always bothered me. No one, except Moriarity, was as smart as Holmes.
Anyone like H. P. Lovecraft? This story is a blend of the Cthulhu Mythos and Doyle’s Victorian England - a good read.
http://www.neilgaiman.com/mediafiles/exclusive/shortstories/emerald.pdf
You’re not Muslim and I’m not on my period you fucking imbecile.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=e8b21845b6b0acf86f86
funniest. video. ever.
fucking imbecile, fucking idiot, fucking dumb…why don’t you fucking spend a little more fucking time on your fucking insults? they’re fucking boring.
Because you’re not worth the time, Cracka.
Nun,
I hate to break it to you, but all religious (well lthe big three anyway) made the women leave when their fish mittens leaked blood. It’s in the Bible, Pentateuch, and that devil mulsim book.
woman are universally hated. so sad.
Cracka: #519 - too easy.
Yo: I love that bumper sticker idea. I do have this one.
http://tommcmahon.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/2007/11/15/coexist2a.gif
I also sometimes wear patchouli oil and Birkenstocks.
Josh: Do I HAVE to watch Project Runway and Desperate Housewives? I HATE television. I’d rather start up a crystal meth habit.
Anne: great chili.
not religous i mean religions!!!! Him damn it!!!
Oh yeah, custard or tapioca pudding too!
Curtis, do you have track lighting in your home?
Cracka, we used to have a female supervisor who got cranky when her friend ‘Flo’ visited. We started charting ‘visits’, whenever she was due, we avoided her and never brought her any work proposals - they’d get shot down.
http://www.christonthecrapper.com/cgi-bin/bpcard.cgi?panel=random
curtis,
I don’t know, all the gays I know love Project runway. They split on Desperate Housewives though. In NYC the longest running privately produced comedy show is at a gay bar called Therapy, and they do the show on Sunday nights. Before the show the put Desperate Housewives on the big screen and the crowd comes in for that and stays for the show!!!!
Josh,
Don’t distract me with the truth!!
Some of my favorite bumper stickers: http://evolvefish.com/
Really? No reaction to this at all?! It’s frigging hysterical!!!
http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=e8b21845b6b0acf86f86
just watched it. it was ok. i mean old white people acting singing young urban songs is a little old. the grand ma in the adam sandler movies (RIP) did it 10 years ago and killed it.
What the fuck, Ben!? That gave me the heebie-jeebies.
but it was funny!!! it wasn’t some old actor bitch in a movie. it was fucking real!! how sad are they? i feel bad for them.
it was real, but clearly those old bitches in the video were “acting” too. You know they ain’t droppin it like it’s hot at the early bird special.
‘I give you an E for effort and T for nice try!’ - Trieb called Quest
Is god slacking?
Careful, Pagan, He might give you a Penis Smite ©, just to prove He’s still around.
God is busy, you ungrateful heathens.
curse you yo yo!!!!!!! I own penis smite (and by default God owns it and all thoughts on His holy blog)
out of curiousity Nun, where did you get your pic? Did you make that yourself?
I took it with my cellphone camera while looking in the mirror. Well, I was looking in the mirror until I realized how excited I was by that boxed cock I’m holding.
hahaha. Nun made me laugh. that really is the perfect picture for you.
That’s what I thought when I took it, Ben. And then I thought “damn!! I’m fuckin’ HOT!!”.
it’s cool how you’re a cartoon too.
on another subject, isn’t it awesome now that racism is over in America?
yeah Ben, it’s over because 52% of the 61% of the Americans that actually voted chose Obama.
I say racism is over in America when Nun refuses to touch my wang because I’m yellow.
PS - I know you’re being sarcastic.
Curtis: Now we are in a cook-off.
Lunch: Spinach quiche, spicy Mexican bean/corn/vegetable soup, fresh fruit.
Lunch was the highlight of the day for me. It seems the Vo-Tech increased its enrollment of freshman. They were shoved into the classrooms like the pictures in God’s wallpaper. And every bit as happy too.
I am Substitute Teacher. And yes, I am hot as hell! I’ve broken six sticks in the past year trying to keep admirers at bay. If a guy’s hot I do him. If he’s not … he’s Ben.
Cracka, you keep clapping, and you’ll get your ding-dong back. And when it’s studly as hell, you can wave it at God and tell him to fuck off.
Anne - you’re on! My cafeteria vs. your cafeteria. Heavy, greasy, lard laden entrees fit for an Amish farmhand vs. healthy, good for you, tasty entrees that tree huggers like me would love to eat.
It’s like Project Runway or American Idol — I dub it
“Project American Cafeteria”. I want to eat at your place!
I do so love lunch. It’s the high point of my day.
In our hospital renovations, I got to design a brand spankin’ new laboratory. We’ll take full possession in just a couple of weeks. I have to say that it’s so SWEET!! I’d give you all a link to see pictures, but then you’d know way too much about me, so ya’ll will have to take my word for it. It’s KICK ASS!!
Life is good. All thanks to God.
Oh, and Ben, I’m still ignoring you because you are an idiot. Just setting the record straight.
Is this the fake 666 ?
http://home.earthlink.net/~mthyen/
668, the neighbor of the beast.
curtis-by acknowledging ben’s existence long enough to tell him he’s being ignored you’re not ignoring him. stupid gaybobber.
see cracka, that’s a good sketch idea right there.
curtis, i think you have a man crush on Ben. constantly telling him you’re ignoring him is just an attempt to get him to talk to you. Ben is an asshole, that doesn’t mean he likes them.
Cracka must have stole that idea from somebody else if it’s a good one.
I’m getting so tired of hearing about Angelina fucking Jolie. She has claimed that she was going to retire several times now, usually it’s right after she adopts a kid. Fucking retire and get it over with.
tired of the compitition Nun?
No. I just don’t think she’s as great as she’s made out to be. She said she was going to quit acting when she adopted Maddox and she didn’t. She said she was going to take a break when she adopted Pax and she didn’t. These kids, are coming from a completely different culture. She changes their names and their whole way of living, I believe she should offer them a little more stability. Especially Pax who was three years old when he was adopted and not an infant as Maddox and Zahara were. Sure, they have money and anything materialistic that they could ever possibly want but that’s not all there is to life.
I also don’t believe she’s very attractive but to each their own.
I thought you were pissed because she snatched up a brownie you had your eye on adopting.
agreed. I think she is average, I see hotter chicks on my way to work on the train.
I don’t know that she knows how to take care of the little brownies. Have you seen Zahara’s hair? I think she does much better with her little yellows… well, at least their hair looks good.
Seriously, what is it about her? Is it those lips? I don’t particularly care for her lips but I’m not a lesbian either. I just don’t find her very pretty at all.
that’s true, josh. walking the streets of new york you see more beautiful women, both in quality and quantity, than you see IN a whole summer’s worth of blockbuster hollywood movies.
on the other hand, nun, who gives a fuck about celebrities?
“what is it about her?”
she has seductive eyes. other than that she borders on being so skinny that she looks unhealthy and the lips are TOO MUCH.
Anne: Tuna and noodle casserole, cornbread, beef stew, and cherry pie.
why did i all caps the word IN?
wtf?
cracka, in NYC you see more women, both good and bad. To see a woman who takes up 3 seats on the train makes me wonder how she could even wipe her ass. i bet you there is some stuff still up there from the 1912 worlds fair.
touche.
Cracka and Josh,
Who is your fantasy woman? Who do you look at and think “man, she’s so hot! I’d really like to tap that sweet ass!”?
Cracka’s fantasy woman is Tinker Bell. If he knows what’s good for him.
Josh’s fantasy woman is anyone on the train who fits in one seat.
Cracka would actually hear “wow, you’re sooooo big!” for the first time in his miserable existence if he did the wild thing with Tinkerbell.
Curtis, it’s me Anne!
Salad bar, New England clam chowder, chicken cordon bleu sandwich. Brownies. I packed today, but I still bought a brownie.
And I found out they raised the substitute pay! FUCKIN WOW, a RAISE! I’m slowly inching back toward the amount of money I made working 4 hours a day … in 1989.
But Tinker Bell has promised Cracka better treatment than he’s getting with God … if he just believes.
I would have to say Salma Hayek, Eva Mendez, Sarah Shahi, Christina Hendricks, Alicia Witt, Kristen Bell, Alicia Keys, Dania Ramirez, Lucy Lui, Jessica Beil, Lisa Nicole Carson, Leila Arcieri, Iman and the list goes on and on.
Alright Anne! Congrats on the raise. I like your lunch better than mine.
Maybe I shouldn’t admit this, but the hottest guy I’ve seen in years is the guy who drives the ice cream truck around our neighborhood. Even my daughters think he’s steamin’. My sister saw him once and hasn’t stopped talking about him since. This dude is so hot the ice cream melts all over his hand before he can reach out the truck window.
The funny thing is, the truck is a “Mr. Softee.” So I wonder if the beauty is only skin deep.
Nun,
if you’re looking to adpot some kids Nebraska is the place to be!!!! They’re practically giving them away!
http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2008-09-25-Left-kids_N.htm
Josh, if you tap all those sweet asses, you’re gonna get blisters on your hand!
Time for class. My fine young minds.
thank you God for that Jets win last night. Please don’t punish them for this douche comparing Favre to You:
http://www.sportsline.com/nfl/story/11104038
We all know he could only play well because You blessed him.
josh’s list is good. alicia keys is beautiful.
to answer that question i’d have to get in depth. there are different kinds of attraction. there are elegant types like a young elizabeth taylor or grace kelly. the girl in the victoria’s secret commercial is pretty much my ideal. dark hair is better than blonde in my book. scarlett, i know it’s a cliche, johannsen is hot because she doesn’t work out, so she’s not all skinny and overly muscular-we like softness- but she doesn’t need to work out because she’s young and curvy. beautiful eyes. the voice is all smoky and that’s an underrated part of a woman’s sexiness factor in my book. she listens to cool music like jesus and mary chain and she smokes cigarettes and drinks whiskey…not so much that she stinks, just once in a while. they are many other types of hot, the slutty jenna jamison type hot is hot…even though she’s a ho-bag. let’s see, a lot of men hit their midlife and hook up with a younger woman. see, when girls are young, like 18-24, they are actually NICE. i think part of the midlife crisis thing is a myth. the men don’t want necessarily younger and hotter so much as a woman to be nice to them again. because, let’s face it, women get bitchier and bitchier as they get older. i could go on forever. but, i won’t.
Josh likes himself some darkies. Isn’t Alicia Witt the one that was in Cybill? She’s a smart one, child prodigy she was. And Jessica Biel?? Really?
And that article is old, Josh. A lot more children have been abandoned in Nebraska since then. Yesterday or the day before, a mother tried to drop off her two teenagers and they took off when she got to the hospital. I think a lot of these parents didn’t properly raise their children and now they can’t control them as teens. Blame nobody but yourselves, parents.
back in the 90s there was a british drum and bass dj called DJ RAP, h-o-t, she had the accent, she spun records, she was underground…not bad.
this is her:
http://k8er.files.wordpress.com/2007/05/dj-rap-main.jpg
coolness factor of 8
Sorry, Cracka but that shows how out of touch you and other old men are. Young women are good for drama and tight pussy and that’s about it. Most younger men realize this and that’s why hunting cougars has become so popular.
The idea that women aged 18-24 are NICE makes me laugh. Sorry, Cracka but horribly out of touch you are.
well, back before i got married those chicks were nice to me.
maybe they’re not nice to you, nun, but that’s because you’re giving their boyfriends chlamydia.
Beil makes the list because I think she is pretty hot, those nude pics she did were smokin, and I’m curious if her boobs are real. I hate fake ones, they feel like a tonka toy. Basically I love brown girls with big boobs, although I’ve dated all races and kinds.
beside that point of contention, you can agree with me that men have an impossible ideal in their minds about women. we want them to be ladies, mothers, whores, virgins, beautiful, safe, dangerous…all these things at once. not possible.
josh is right, fake boobs don’t feel good.
i disagree cracka, it is possible if your lady is your best friend and she respects you. as soon as she doesn’t it’s a wrap dude, get a new one.
Men are completely clueless when it comes to women, Cracka. It’s why most of you end up so miserable in the relationships you’re in.
And just to clarify, 18-24 year old girls are not nice to guys. I have little reason to associate with girls that young.
nun,
I posted the article because of the kids dropped of yesterday. It’s both sad and funny. Sad because those poor kids are getting screwed and their parents are loosers. It’s funny because once again something shows the huge disconnect between the law/lawmakers and the people who they create the laws for.
Fake boobs are false advertising and in the end, always a mistake. I don’t particularly care for humanity’s obsession with plastic surgery.
Josh,
Excellent points that I’ve thought about as well. When I first heard about the law I thought “uh oh, you guys fucked up and don’t even realize it yet”. When I heard that they made an announcement that they would change the law(today, in fact) I thought “get prepared for a rush of childrent being abandoned” and guess what? I was right both times. Fucking idiot lawmakers.
I feel so badly for those kids though.
Nun,
I will say this on fake boobs: once I felt a pair that were so well done, so natural looking that I had to break out my CSI kit to see they were fake (then the girl told me). The thing is you only know a boob is fake when it’s a horrible job (Like Tara Reid’s franken-nipple), when it’s done right, no one is the wiser.
PS - if it wasn’t for my horrible spelling I might actually come off at intelligent on this blog (you can tell when I post form home cuz al lmy spelling is right on point)
Nun,
what if you were with a dude who had a penil implant? would you care that the 10 inches he was giving you was part Ken doll?
Even when it’s done right, people can get wise, Josh. They end up feeling different. If not right away then eventually. They also don’t hang the same.
I think it’s cheating. I was blessed with a God given ample rack, I didn’t have to have somebody make my voluptuous titties and then you have some bitch come along and buy voluptuous titties. It’s not fair. She never paid her titty dues.
blah!!!
I wouldn’t have a penile implant, Josh. I don’t agree with plastic surgery. I believe we were given what we were given for a reason and we should be satisfied with it. If we’re not happy in our own skin and start changing things, there will always be something else to change.
If I was afflicted with Cracka disease which manifests in the form of a miniscule penis then I would swallow my pride and wear a fucking strap-on. But I’m pretty adventurous in bed and not very prudey so I could probably deal with that better than most people.
looser and loser are two different words, dude.
i’m rethinking the age here. not so much 18-24 as 18-21. there is a lower cutoff for friendliness…in my experience. if i’m totally wrong, well, who gives a shit? yes, men are clueless about women. but, that doesn’t make it all hopeless. my marriage is cool. i don’t understand shit about her, but the relationship itself is solid. despite the fact that she’s a complete mystery to me. yes, nun, i know where her clitoris is.
penile implants? do they really do those? weird. and they are functional? it must be risky. nerve damage or something.
I’ll give you a hint, Cracka. Just cracka to cracka, when she clenches, it doesn’t mean she came. So many men are so dumb when it comes to that kind of thing.
Nun, I don’t understand women either, but I have a pretty good relation with my chick friends. (They like it when I call them that)
If you had a bad relationship with your chick friends then you wouldn’t be gay, Curtis. That’s just how it works.
So, Nun, that’s kinda ironic isn’t it? Gays and chicks = cool. Straights and chicks = not always cool.
Me thinks that a good way to get some pussy (gross) would be to act gay and let the lady “change your ways”.
I think that’s what Josh is attempting.
no Nun, I am gay.
clenching? hmm. poor women. all that buildup to the penetration and the guy just pumps three times and hits the showers. slaps her on the ass, “good game. i’ll call you tomorrow.”
by the time you finally figure out how the female body works you’re married and all those years of sluttiness were spent having NO IDEA what you were doing. poor straight women.
i’ll tell you what did it for me, and most guys i think. you meet the one woman who totally corrects everything you are doing and explains how it works for her in detail, coaching you through it verbally if needed. if you never meet that woman, then you always suck in bed. generally speaking, i mean. i suppose there might me some guy out there who just inherently causes multiple female orgasms. but, i doubt it.
i tell you what. josh looks pretty gay in his picture. i believe him.
in my picture I am thinking about a big penis, and in no way thinking about Nun’s big tits.
I think Mr. T is kind of hot in that picture.
You guys want to hear something sad and pathetic? The fucking that left me impregnated with my loser of a child who doesn’t try his best was two minutes. Two fucking minutes!!
And yeah, I’ve found that most guys like being given directions. And if they don’t, I just hold them still and take what I want.
two minutes? what a fucking looser! I’m a solid 3 minutes baby, that’s a round in a heavy weight fight! (that’s a Bernie Mac joke)
Poor Bernie Mac.
Yeah, two minutes. On the one hand it’s regrettable because he’s a black man who should really be better but on the other hand, I got a great loser kid out of it. I suppose it should make me feel better that it was the tightness of my most precious of parts that made it so quick but that doesn’t really make me feel better at all.
“you have a tiny penis, okay? there. i said it.”
“did you ever stop to think that maybe your vagina is too big?”
josh, fucking looser than what? be specific.
cracka,
I thought everyone got the joke, when referring to Nun I always say looser and not loser. I thought crackas were smart, not smart as asians, but not dumb as mexicans.
Nun I see you with thug black dudes, to piss off your family.
crackas are smart about how to get and keep other people’s money but dumb about what is and is not a joke. we are also smart enough to hire asians to do the tedious math bullshit and mexicans to scrub the toilets…
looser! nun’s vagina! hahahaha!!!! you are a genius, sir!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GENIUS!!!!!!
hey, smoggy, are you drinking? sleeping? fucking sheep?
sigh….i miss the mccain/palin campaign.
Josh,
You’d be right if you were talking about my sister. She married a black man and bred with him just to spite her racist dad(the preacher guy who raised me). She’s just as racist as him which makes me feel really badly for my niece, nephew and brother in law. I have since learned that my brother in law is in love with me and wants to fuck me. Poor bastard. And he’s not actually a thug other than he’s a black man which makes him a thug because you can’t be black and not a thug.
As for me, I’m serious when I say that skin color doesn’t matter to me.
Unless it’s yellow skin.
Josh,
Another article about all those unwanteds in Nebraska. This one is only 5.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20081114/ap_on_re_us/safe_haven
nun’s life is strange and complex. he loves you AND he wants to fuck you? at the same time?
(springer)
He has a racist wife and a racist father-in-law. I’d love me too if I were him.
sounds like anyone with a black rod wants Nun, well she’s white so I can see that.
Nun,
The best part of that article is the 5 kids whose parents drove to Nebraska and dropped them off!!!! That is pure concentrated hate there, to make a road trip with gas at $2.50 a gallon to drop off your kids.
Not all darkies want to sleep with the whities. Some darkies are pretty damned emphatic about never sleeping with a whitie ever.
I’m not sure I’d call that hate, Josh.
For your kindly consideration:
http://www.spike.com/video/pg-porn-pg-porn/3041858
Please like me.
God damned Russle Brand, stealing my act!!!!
http://www.hollywoodrag.com/index.php?/weblog/pretending_youre_gay_tpo_attract_women/
I keed Nun, I know some darkies hate white people, even for sexing purposes. I was making a Mencia style joke based on crappy stereotypes and only one level of thought.
As far as the kids go, I think it’s hate, it can’t be love, and it can’t be apathy. To go through all that effort to get rid of your own flesh and blood, hate is somewhere in the mix. Nothing is worse than a parent who hates their kid.
man Aria Giovanni is looking beat!!!!
must be from all them dicks slappin’ her in the face
actually cracka, I’ve never seen her do anything but girl on girl, which is so 80s. Over it.
Fuck, that bitch is nasty! Belladonna does the best “girl on girl”.
Belladonna loves anal, big time. She’s always gang bangin’
I remember all these chicks from my college days, I need to get back into porn, maybe i can find my old DVDs and sell them as a vintage shop
Fuck I will send you some Josh.
i have a bunch of them at my mom’s house in a chest i had in college (unless my mom found them and then took them to my grandmas house because my granny can work a DVD player and my mom can’t, then the whole family watches the tape and thinks I’m a pervert. This actually happened)
whats the deal with college and porno? I remember goign to parties and someone would pull out porno and put it on, the the girls where ok with that. sometime the girls actually wanted attention and put on a show for everyone if you know what i mean *wink* *wink* *skeet* *skeet*
now come on Josh, admit it. that video was HA-larious. (my tracy morgan impersonation)
hmm…so my dick slapping comment didn’t apply, eh? well, i haven’t spent a lot of time with the porn. is that something to be ashamed of? i hope not, my list of shames is so long already. it’s longer than my 3 1/2 inch dick. that’s right! i’ve clapped and believed my way up to 3 1/2 inches!!! soon, i’ll be a real man again. well, at least a half assed version of a man with a normal sized penis.
*sigh* college…
did you go to gay college, al?
i’m out.
got drunk last night
gettin’ drunk tonight
i’m on a roll…
shut up, fuck off, blah blah blah…
he’s gone! he’s finally gone! NOW IT’S MY TIME TO SHINE!
Cracka doesn’t shine, Ben. He just stinks everything up until he leaves.
Ben,
That video was OK, I saw the punchline coming from a mile away.
Cracka doesn’t shine, he dulls everyone else so he looks brighter.
Burro,
You no go to college? Eye-yi-yi!
shutup Josh. you did not.
Umm yeah, perhaps because I’ve written sketches before, I have done writting submissions for TV shows and such. You tottally knew she was going to get shot since he did not put down the gun and he had a nail gun instead of a hammer., the only questions were where/when she would be shot and what the damage would be. I think it would have been funnier if she did not die and was able to talk and was pissed “Do you shoot every girl in the head who tries to give you a blow job? WTF is wrong with you?” and the guy had to deal with that instead of just running away
how great would it have been if he nailed her hand to her face! awkward!
Formulaic comedy gets on my nerves.
sometimes it works nun, look at the Jud Apitow movies, 40 year old virgin, knocked up, superbad etc. sometimes funny is just funny no matter if you know whats coming.
If you’re an adolescent male, Josh. I think it’s debatable as to how funny those films are.
they are geared towards dudes whose testies haven’t dropped yet. but there were parts in each movie that I laughed out loud at (except Knocked up).
Idiocricy is my funny movie of the year, and it stars my other baby momma Maya Rudolph.
Nun, what are you funny movies?
Nun back to the Nebraska thing:
The day before, a father flew in from Miami, Florida, to leave his teenage son at a hospital, officials said.
The safe haven law was meant to protect infants, but there is no age limit under the current law. Five of the abandoned children were brought to Nebraska from out of state. Parents have traveled into Nebraska from Michigan, Indiana, Iowa, Florida and Georgia.
Thats not hate?
but I love this fact: 20 of the 30 children are white; eight are black.
Fuckin’ white people.
josh your version would have much less funny
would have been much less funny. it was hilarious that she was just dead all of a sudden. they go all the way. the jew was right. josh is a fag.
yes, Ben, I’m wrong, me and Del Close, and UCB and the Groundlings, and everything written about comedy this is “yes and….”
I know to you dead hookers are hilarious and your weekend, but to me a cheap out.
*Slaps Ben with big Mexican cock*
and yes Ben I am gay! That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you all, especially Nun! Jesus H, Ben you’re so 5 blogs ago.
you and who? and who? and who else i never heard of??? i think its funny you mock the use of dead hookers as a joke and then immediately can’t resist using them as a joke.
Ben if you think that the joke I made typing on a blog is equivalent to the joke in the video, then I’ve been giving you too much credit. I did not say a dead hooker joke was bad I said THEIR dead hooker joke was bad. My joke was making fun of you. Can;t you tell when peopel are shitting on you?
Del Close: The father of long form Improv, everyone you’ve ever heard of in comedy has studied this guy. ImprovOlympic? Ever heard of Ed Murray? Tina Fey? Mike Meyers? They all studied at the feet of Del.
UCB: Upright Citizen’s brigade: Perhaps you have seen the people on the Daily show and SNL, like half come from here. Like Amy Pohler, a founding member of UCB.
Groundlings: LA’s version of the UCB. Maya Rudolph is from here as are so many people you see in movies, google them.
All this time I thought you were pretending to be an idiot. Jesus, I’m a sucker.
I meant Bill Murray, not Ed Murray!
these are just some of the people who studdied under Del:
John Belushi
John Candy
Stephen Colbert
Andy Dick
Chris Farley
Tina Fey
Aaron Freeman
Tim Kazurinsky
Shelley Long
Bill Murray
Mike Myers
Bob Odenkirk
Tim O’Malley
David Pasquesi
Amy Poehler
Gilda Radner
Harold Ramis
Andy Richter
Dave Thomas
Stephnie Weir
George Wendt
Ben, do me a favor and shut the fuck up.
Fuck Eastern Standard Time!
God, please hate Eastern Standard Time.
And fuck Smoggy, because where he is the daylight is getting longer. Fuck you, Smoggy! Enjoying those long evenings, are you? Well fuck you!
Ben,
This is twice now that you’ve tried to give Josh advice about being a comedian and both times you’ve been wrong. Honestly, dude, I don’t know why you continue to pretend like you’re knowledgeable about that part of the industry when you’re obviously not. You’ll probably think I’m being mean to you but I’m not really trying to be. Just stop trying to give advice on how to be a comic to somebody who’s actually been a comic. Seriously, I still can’t believe what you tried to tell Josh about not having a stage persona.
Josh,
I’m not big on comedic films but there have been some that I’ve enjoyed I will probably have a hard time remembering any of them though. First, I am not a huge fan of Will Ferrell but I watched “Elf” at my brother’s insistence. I did not expect to laugh at all much less laugh through most of the film.
This will date myself but I’m a fan of Goldie Hawn and Chevy Chase and I thought “Foul Play” was pure gold. BEWARE THE DWARF!!
“Idiocracy” cracked me up… “What the fuck!? Shit’s changed in a year!”… hilarious line and I’m assuming that’s your beloved Maya Rudolph.
“Soapdish” was a pretty funny film but I’m a huge fan of Sally Field whenever she cries. Unless it’s Steel Magnolias because that’s just sad.
“Rat Race” was a funny film. I do not care for Rowan Atkinson at all but the rest of the cast was great. I especially liked the brothers played by Seth Green and some Vince guy.
“Half Baked”… come on, you knew it was coming and I’m sure no explanation is even needed.
“Monty Python and the Holy Grail”… same as Half Baked, no explanation needed.
I’m sure there are others. You can probably tell that I’m not your standard lover of comedic fare.
I liked “Rat Race” too.
No matter how many times I see it, I laugh like a loon through “Blazing Saddles.” Love Mel Brooks. Seeing the original Broadway cast of “The Producers” was a highlight of my life.
Another one I never stop laughing at is “Dr. Strangelove.” Ben’s gravitar will not dent my love for this movie.
And although I was never much of a toker, and don’t do it at all now, I love good stoner movies. “Up in Smoke.” and the first “Harold and Kumar” was hilarious.
I’m geezering myself, but “The Odd Couple” is one fuckin funny film.
Marx Brothers are never seen anymore, but that shit is awesomely funny. They had the best writers, then took the material and made it their own.
hey, all i’m saying is just because you’ve worked as a comic doesn’t mean you’re funny or know jack shit about comedy.
that video was as funny as it could be as it is. if it was the way josh thinks it should be, it would be so fucking awful!!!
i just think its funny that stand up comics try to lord their ‘knowledge’ of comedy over the audience. it just reveals their insecurity and I guess makes them feel better when nobody laughs at their atrocious material.
667: Better than the beast!
And my favorite standup comedian is Steven Wright. I told my daughter about him but couldn’t put into words exactly what he does. Then HBO gave him a special, and she saw it.
Whose material is atrocious?
Instead of walking over to the high school and watching the football game, I’m sitting here trying to think of an atrocious comedian. Can’t. Even Maher gets a few lines off sometimes.
Oh wait. Atrocious comedian: Sarah Silverman. But only because she put the moves on Mr. Johnson. Bitch, I will so slap u if u mess wif ma man.
I’m not a big Mel Brooks fan, Anne. I never really have been. Not a fan of the Marx Brothers. Not a fan of The Three Stooges either. Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle cracked me up once I realized how fucking funny Neil Patrick Harris is in it but other than that, I didn’t particularly care for it.
And believe it or not, I’ve never seen Dr. Strangelove.
Ben,
Actually, I believe both situations would be funny in their own way for different reasons. But both of you should be aware that either situation would be low brow humor and not really anything to argue about or be proud of if you were responsible for writing it.
If Sarah Silverman is by any chance reading this… I love you, you’re fucking hilarious but your show sucks some major bunghole. What the fuck is up with that?
If she’s reading this … SARAH! FIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BOYFRIEND, OH FUCKING KAY?
Sarah must really love the dick.
She really did flirt with Mr. Johnson. But it was awhile ago. The mutual friend she shared with Mr. Johnson doesn’t like her anymore and so does not invite her to poker games.
And I’m not going to the game because it’s fucking raining. I can hear it.
Puss. If I never went anywhere because it’s raining, I’d never go anyway. Fucking rain!
I have done some outrageous shit in my life, but I wouldn’t have the nerve in a million years to stand up in front of an audience and tell jokes. I seriously don’t see how people who do that could be insecure. Seems to me you gotta be extra secure to be able to handle that scene.
I just loaded some old footage of my dad on YouTube. Helpful instructions for creating combustion in the absence of a heat source. It’s also on my YouTube, Nun. In case you haven’t noticed, I can’t link for shit.
… I meant my Facebook.
On YouTube it’s called “Principles of Combustion: Dan Johnson Sets Stuff on Fire.”
Ben, if you make fun of it, I’ll superglue your nostrils closed.
If Ben makes fun of it we’ll track him down and castrate him.
There’s something to be said for keeping personal attacks based in reality out of an anonymous blog, Ben.
Yes indeed. This is God’s blog! We come here to talk dirty and compare our sexual prowess!
And Cracka comes here to feel sorry that he doesn’t have any sexual prowess. But I think he gets some credit for trying.
I do not fear the penis smite.
That was cool, Anne!! I wanna burn shit up now.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20081115/ap_on_el_pr/obama_threats
God,
Please, please keep that guy safe!
I can’t post links from here.
Search for this on Yahoo News: Obama has more threats than other presidents-elect
God,
Please, please keep that guy safe.
I think we’ve got to enlist a shitload of gods and goddesses for this important errand. You can see that this God on this blog is too busy even to post a new topic. So let’s get Mighty Aphrodite to protect Barack. It’s a job I know she would love!
Thanx for watchin my dad. It was fun having him as a dad, he would just randomly combine weird shit and it would explode.
Nun, since it’s just you and me right now, how old were you when you had the best sex of your life?
(Maybe you’re in the midst of it right now!)
My 30s, he was early 20s. Best fucking sex of my life every single time. He was Greek and hung.
Ooooooo! Does indeed sound good! (We can talk about this now that Cracka’s out getting drunk.)
I once lived in a row house in Baltimore, and me and this other chick sort of had an orgasm competition going. To see who was loudest. I never met her, but she sounded like one happy woman. But I won the contest!
I’ve never been with a younger man. The dudes who flirt with me are always older. Which is okay, because some of them are way sexy.
Yeah but unless God deletes our gutter talk, Cracka will come back, get excited, pull out the tweezers and magnifying glass and engage in a little Cracka on Cracka action.
Oh my! I’ve never participated in a competition like that. You go, girl!
I prefer the younger men for many reasons.
I wonder if he puts some Astro-glide on those tweezers before he gets busy.
*Anne crosses her fingers and tries to link*
Hahaha! Michelangelo loaded the Sistine Chapel with subliminal messages!
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB122661765227326251.html?mod=yhoofront
nun,
ben is right, lots of comics on stage are very insecure and you the power of the mic to overcompensate.
look, I never said the video was unfunny, I said it was OK and I could see the punch line a mile away. and I could, swear to Him.
for the record the situation is not what’s funny, it’s the characters reaction to the situation, hence the funniest part of the video is the dude reacting to what he did. My point is if the woman did not just die, there would be more reaction and interaction, which is what comedy is made of.
Sarah Silverman is Jewtastically hot.
“Principles of Combustion” is getting more play on YouTube than I thought it would. I guess I’d better review upcoming installments to make sure Dad isn’t giving easy instructions on arson. The first two are okay in that respect, so long as the nation’s chemistry teachers are careful with their Potassium Permanganate.
sarah silverman has big boobs. eamon did you sing that song “fuck you I don’t want you back?” great song
anne your dad was mr. wizard, and since you’re a druid he might have been an actual wizard. how did you get the footage transfered to a digital format?
blah!!!!!!!
I’m on a quickening roll
i wish that my first word would have been quote so that right before i die i could say, “unquote.”
you guys have good taste in funny movies.
nun’s a whore.
ben is ben.
i’m up to 4 3/4″. my wife is not happy. the constant clapping is annoying her, plus my penis is miniscule and useless to her. this is not a good situation in the cracka household.
Josh,
That’s great, man but maybe you should have addressed that to Anne as she’s the one who said that. Poor Anne. Always getting ignored unless people are hassling her about fairies.
I AM NOT A WHORE!!
How many of you heathens knew that God’s likeness for this blog came from the Sistine Chapel? The picture in the background, the blue one, is The Last Judgement, also from the Sistine Chapel. I feel ignorant for not knowing that.
even i knew that and i’m nothing but a culturally devoid cracka.
Most of God’s divine blog images are from the Sistine Chapel. Now search those suckers for the little boys fucking with joy! The pagan symbolism (well, we already knew about that), and the Jewish Kabbalah characters scattered about! This is probably the biggest “fuck you” any pope ever got!
Josh, my dad was a Mr. Wizard. I’m just about to load the funniest bit — where he uses water to start a fire and stands there grinning like Xmas. I’ll let you know when it’s up.
The footage was transferred from the old, disintegrating reels onto VHS at least 20 years ago. And my computer Yoda rendered it onto DVD for me in a format I can load to YouTube. I’ve been wanting to put Dad’s footage on YouTube since the first time I watched YouTube.
Cracka: The faeries have advised me that in addition to clapping, they would like you to update the shrubbery in your yard. Something tasteful. If you do this, they will endow you with bounteous boners.
shrubbery!!
a nice shrubbery? something tasteful? not too expensive?
or they will say “NEE” to me?
i think i can find a way to appease the fairies with shrubbery and make friends with nun at the same time…
she’ll be like, damn cracka! that is some sweet, sweet shrubbery! i don’t know, though. maybe we should remain enemies.
The faeries wish for me to tell you that the shrubbery you plan is not tasteful! They’re thinking groomable boxwoods. They’re willing to negotiate, because they’re not sure what grows in that cold place where you live.
Hm. A thought: Perhaps it’s the cold that, you know, shrivels you up. Take the wife to Florida!
But be sure to clap the whole time.
OMG! I’m gonna try to link this, but if not, just go to YouTube and search “Principles of Combustion 3″
My dad got paid to play with fire. And this one is the best of all the clips, I think. Only 3 minutes long.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pgusWJ-LU_k
i’ll build a greenhouse immediately. the cold makes our blood thicker…which makes our boners practically permanent. plus, we drink blood from our enemies’ skulls (watch out, nun). it’s pretty sweet. the viking/visigoth parties get pretty nuts. especially when we start constructing greenhouses to grow offseason shrubberies. CRAY-ZEE!
florida is for old people and pedophiles. if i want warmth i simply start the neighbor’s house on fire.
Vikings and Visigoths are Pagans, you know. Have you ever asked Thor to help you with the size of your hammer?
My guess is that Nun would turn up her nose at greenhouse chiba. I know I would. There’s nothing like Kentucky sunshine for producing sweet, sweet chiba.
Nun,
For the record, i wasn’t attacking anyone personally. i think everyone here is funny in their way. and josh is definitely funny….sometimes.
its just those comics who really do indeed suck and barely ever make anyone laugh and still act all pretentious that piss me off. you know, like colin quinn.
i’m very likely the least funny one here. no doubt about that. but i don’t care about being funny. i’m just one of those weirdos who is weird for weirdness sake.
for the record Ben, I like you. I mean not as much as I like Cracka, nun, Curtis, Smoggy, Anne, Zues, God, Jesus, Satan, Nun’s Burro, Bridgett, and the duck guy who posted once, but I like you.
in NYC Colin Quinn is a god. he’s spoken of as legend, and then he walks in and sits next to you.
and Yo Yo, I like him much more than Ben.
dear god.
why do allow these half retarded fuckwits to make a home on your holy blog and blog away nonsense and drivel? especially anne johnson. she is particularly lame and annoying. youre disciples are extremely lame and not funny and only make worship of you look uncool! i guess i am wondering why you dont reward their devotion to you with… lives? or girls? or maybe some wit?… or otherwise, why you dont smite them for being unfunny, reptitive, and lame and making you look bad and not cool?
I’ve been lame for five years, but I had the surgery in September and am doing much better now. But you can send me the girl, because I still can’t keep up with the housework.
PS - How can someone be half-retarded? Like, are they retarded on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and then normal on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday? (Sunday being the day of rest.)
bea didn’t capitalize properly.
and just for the record, bea, He smites us on a regular basis.
i like the people whose internet insults are confined to, “retard”, “living in your mom’s basement”, and “get a girlfriend”. why is it always “you’re a retard who lives in your mom’s basement and has never had a girlfriend?” at least accuse the person of having a tiny penis like nun does.
you guys are lame, annoying, repetive and lame.
You guys aren’t even worthy of licking God’s Divine Asshole, that’s how lame you guys are.
I’m lame for not being as educated as I should be about the frescoes in the Sistine Chapel. I’m a little more educated now. Michelangelo was a homo!!
Ben,
I’m glad!! Thanks for clarifying.
Josh: #718 - aww, I like you too!
What do all you all think about the National protests yesterday? SWEET! http://www.boxturtlebulletin.com/
Dear God. Can You please smite and hate all those homophobic bigoted Mormons who gave millions of dollars to pass Prop 8 and all the other measures to deny basic civil rights to us gays? I REALLY think you should hate Mormons.
fuck. fuck.
fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck…fuck.
FUCK.
fucking fuck.
fuck
why do the vikings have such a stupid coaching staff?
fuck.
GO JETS!
J
E
T
S
JETS!
JETS!!
JETS!!!
I thought you said you were a Titans fan now, Ben.