Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
I was sitting on My Eternal Throne just now, pondering things you cannot possibly fathom when I realized: I am very disappointed in every single human being on Earth.
None of you are perfect in My Eyes. You have all sinned and fallen short of the Glory of Me. Need I remind you that the wages of sin are demon-rape?
Those of you who confess that you are deeply flawed, sinful humans and pledge to follow Me forever shall be forgiven and live forever in inexplicable glory. Those of you who do not shall die and bake in hell forever and ever in searing agonizing agony.
To instead enjoy an afterlife filled with delicious cakes and hot-air balloon rides and naked virgin supermodels and an endless multitude of other wondrous joys, there is only a few things you must do:
- Confess to Me now that you know that you are sinning piece of shit
- Beg Me for My Forgiveness
- Place your faith in Me and My Son Jesus, who died for you (you selfish bastard)
- Believe that We have forgiven you and accept Us into your heart
If you pray for forgiveness right now and really, really mean it, I will forgive you and we can be friends from now on. Otherwise fuck you.
CARIDAD on 
Naytheist on 
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Travis on 
Fuck that trash on 
To My Jews: You need not confess. Ever. You are My special chosen people and I love you. Just feel guilty all the time and we’ll call it even.
Oh, and Happy New Year!
nice try God, but being Goddess, I don’t bow to you or your religion..I only let you take credit for everything so I don’t have to deal with the press…Goddess bless you, go with me and sin no more.
You’re not the boss of me.
I, Master Shake, must confess to You, for I have sinned.
I keep referring to Jesus as Jebus. It’s a recurring problem.
I therefore, am begging You, The Almighty Lord of The World, and Your Son Jesus, for Your Ultimate and Your Acceptance into Your Glorious Life.
Praise The Lord and Hallelujah.
This is a great plan, God. If we get them to confess everything, we don’t need to keep watching anymore and can finally go on vacation.
So far, I get “the goddess” (laughable), Sue Nami, and “Master” Shake; God gets lots of free space.
Dear God
I S. Batzrubble know that I am a sinning piece of shit–primarily with comely, woolly, warm and friendly sheep (oh yes, and that little Anne Johnson situation). I beg You for Your Forgiveness. I place my faith in You and Your Son Jesus, who died for me (I am a selfish bastard). I believe You have forgiven me and accept You into my heart.
PS
Hey Lucifer, if you “get” me, can I spend a little time in one of your sexual torture rooms? And…ummm…any chance I could have a go at being top?
PPS DON’T FORGET EVERYONE–IT’S “TALK ABOUT CURTIS DAY”
Hey i dont know how to write a comment on your post as this seems to be very different from what i have been reading…but i really liked the dark humour and sarcasm in it.
Hey God,
Can I keep sinning all my life and get others to play my recorded audio message of confession once off at my death-bed and still end up in Heaven filled with those delicious cakes and hot-air balloon rides …and an endless multitude of other wondrous joys ?
Hi God,
I confess that I actually felt sorry for Sarah Palin for a few minutes. She’s going to get a nice self-smiting tomorrow night I suspect.
I confess to having frequent “socialist” thoughts.
I confess that my interest in things sexual has diminished in the last few years.
Thanks God, I feel better!
God,
I confess I find you mean, jealous, arrogant, vindictive, and probably the worst deity anyone could worship. And so I have booked my afterlife with another carrier.
Now I understand why You made Jewish mothers so guilt ridden. I all makes sense now, but I might be more inclined to confess and pledge anyway. This being a new year with You and having Atonement and all. Before I decide, has Your Blessed son gotten through his identity crisis yet?
Dear God
I, Uppity Cracka, know that I am a sinning piece of shit–primarily with comely, curvy, warm women (oh yes, and that little nun’s vagina-drug induced situation). I beg You for Your Forgiveness. I place my faith in You and Your Son Jesus, who died for me (I am a selfish bastard). I believe You have forgiven me and accept You into my heart.
also, God, when i prayed for you to smite the white sox i meant to smite them last night. i should have been more specific. i am an idiot, Lord.
9-divya-God told us EXACTLY WHAT TO POST!! i don’t know how to post? fuck.
curtis puts weird objects into his rectum.
Um, apparently You created Me in Your Own Image. I’m just an extension of Your Perfection.
I heard that Curtis likes to kneel without praying, and to take communion without confessing.
Don’t capitalize for yourself, Halo. That’s just stupid.
God, I don’t like #4. Especially the ‘believe’ part. Maybe change that to ‘know’. For all I know, you’re just looking for the best ’sin’.
And you’re supposed to love us all, no matter what. Even if we are misbehaved children.
*snaps bubblegum*
Nun, you’re right. I should have used quotation marks.
oh yeah… Curtis has a penchant for farm animals and the crowds that watch.
halo-don’t question God’s choice of words…it really pisses Him off. He has kind of a short fuse. a Righteous, Divine Fuse, sure, but It’s short nonetheless.
That’s Smoggy who likes the farm animals. It’s hard to tell the perverts apart.
curtis uses semen as an anal suppository laxative.
Curtis uses dildos for dental floss
Got ya. NZeelenders and their sheep…
What a lovely tale
goddess - You are damned.
sue nami - Damned.
Master Shake - You are forgiven! Welcome to the fold!
Smoggy - All is forgiven My Child. Bathe in the warmth of My Love.
Divya - Seriously? You should confess your sins.
Pemma - No.
Dude - I forgive you.
anne johnson - DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU TO HELL!
Christian the Jew - I don’t know. I haven’t talked to him in a while.
Cracka - You are forgiven!
God,
Did Jesus run away or are You still on a sabbatical away from Heaven?
Uppity, patience is a virtue. Even for God.
Nun, maybe God is interviewing candidates to take over from the Holy Spirit.
Perhaps the Queen B!tch Goddess of the Cosmos has applied.
Nun, I am still on a sabbatical from Heaven.
shutup, halo.
curtis “enjoys the company of men” wink wink nudge nudge
Different worlds, Halo. Leave it at that!
halo, we went through this holy spirit thing already. God fired the holy spirit and replaced him bill o’reilly. well, it turns the holy spirit is actually part of God, so God scratched that whole plan and is now on sabbatical from heaven because mary’s a cunt, his dead gay son is a pussy and the holy spirit is annoying.
Why, God? Why?
Are You feeling Divinely Sad or are You just sick of people always bugging You in Heaven?
I’m pissed at Mary for posting on My Blog and saying she hates Me. That’s effed up. I have half a mind to delete her post, but I don’t want to destroy the evidence of her damning herself. I may just cast her down into hell. I can’t stand that bitch anymore.
And Jesus? I gave him the chance to come roam the universe with Me. And what does He do? Choose to stay in the comfort of Heaven!
Uppity, I knew I missed something. I’m not here all the time. Thanks for keeping me up to date.
the apple fell from the tree on that one, God. we’re not sure why the kid’s such a pussy. you’d think after spending that time down here getting tortured to death and what not that he would be pretty tough. turns out he’s just a glittering flaming cocksucking homosexual.
God,
Your family sucks worse than mine. I’m sorry, Big Guy.
Leave Mary’s post up, it illustrates quite nicely why You despise women and say we’re evil and conniving.
I know how to get Jesus to come with You but You’d have to trick Him and I’m not sure how You’d feel about that. Just dangle a naked guy in front of His face, God. He seems to be quite preoccupied by naked penises, God and You could use that to Your advantage. However, it may be Divinely Painful to realize that Your Son would rather spend His time with a naked cock than with His Own Divine Poppa. Perhaps more time in the hole is in order.
Dear God, The Alpha and the Omega,
I am a worthless piece of shit. I have found myself many time listening to the blasphemous Jay-Z as he calls himself Jehovah in some of his raps. He even acknowledges his own sin as clearly seen in this lyric from the hot song What More Can I Say:
I’m not the one to score points off, in fact
I got a joint that’ll knock yo’ points off
Young, Hova the God, nigga blasphemy
I’m at the Trump International, ask for me
Please find it in Your Divine Heart to forgive me.
I place my faith in You and Your son Jesus (but mostly You as we both know what Jesus is about.) I thank You for making Your son sacrafice himself for our sins. (Even Jesus said it was Your will and not his)
I humbly submit myself for Your mercy. I believe that You as an all powerful and all merciful God will forgive me.
I just love the way I get all caps. I am so special.
Don’t listen to them, Curtis. They just be jealous cuz they ain’t u.
Fuck you Cracka. I love fucking women every way possible. Why do you think people always say ‘Jesus-Titty-Fucking-Christ!?’ Because I am famous for My titty-fucking abilities. So there.
man boobies are gross, jesus. stop fucking them.
People say ‘Jesus-Mother-Fucking-Christ’, Jesus. You may want to rethink Your statement. Unless You’d rather people think You bang Your Virgin Momma rather than a guy’s butthole.
I thought people said Jesus H. Christ, where the H stood for homo.
Anne, you are special.
Well, I say ‘Jesus-Mother-Fucking-Christ’ but I have dirty fucking mouth.
anne is a special needs kid.
Has anybody noticed that God has been very attentive to His Flock and has been answering most of Your inane and idiotic questions? I think a little mortal gratitude would be a nice show of respect and love for our Almighty Father.
Nun, what have you done?
What have I done for what, halo?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Z0h_c9eH-8
Janet has really athletic shoulders.
nun’s a dike.
Your being so loving to God. It’s so unheathenlike!
it’s called kissing His ass…mostly so he turns a blind eye as you open you’re legs for any man who winks at you. as bridgette would say, if she wasn’t so stupid.
josh, it’s funnier with the sound off.
I’m always loving to God!
[...] CONFESS! October 1, 2008 Posted by Skepdude in Humorous, Stuff God Hates. Tags: Christ, Christianity, Christians, Confessions, Damnation, Forgiveness, God, Religion trackback CLICK HERE TO GO TO THE ORIGINAL ENTRY AT “SKEPFEEDS” [...]
http://www.bizjournals.com/pittsburgh/stories/2008/09/29/daily27.html
NOOOOOOOooooooooooooo!!!
Just die already, McCain.
yar….I’m…not attractive.
Nun, I thought maybe you had done something super-sinful and didn’t want God to know.
God knows everything, halo. Duh. If you paid any attention to this blog you’d know that I’m always loving to God. I kiss His Holy Ass all the fucking time!
I’m busy!
God needs a search or update tool so people who don’t spend their days here can find things without coming across as being stupid.
Aren’t your lips sore??????
God needs to smite more.
‘Scoose me?
halo has no idea what’s going on here. there’s tabs at the top of the screen for everything you need to know about God’s divine blog.
I’m sorry but um, I see no compelling proof of your existence. Nor do I see any compelling evidence for an afterlife of any kind.
Now, I know, why would I even talk to a God I don’t believe in, that’s because I believe this “god” is actually just some guy with a computer.
So, I confess nothing and, if perchance this is the real Yahweh who has started a blog, fuck you anyway, I’m Pagan and we’ll be better off after your rapture once all the sniveling fucks that call themselves your followers are swept clean of the world and we have our Earth back.
Peace and tickles.
Well, I’m not entirely sure why halo is here at all since there’s a discussion elsewhere about how evil this blog is.
remember when stuffgodhates was about stuff god hates?
it has been 6 posts and 15 days since god last hated something.
ask god… pray to god… confess to god… he’s trying to get YOU GUYS to do all the work.
“stuff god hates” should change its name to “ideas god is out of”
God is cranky and sad, Jew. We should all be patient and forgiving with God and His Divine Funk as He is patient and forgiving with us. It’s hard to hate when you’re so sad.
I always call him “Jesus Q. Christ.” The “Q” stands for queer.
hating stuff is funny.
where is the discussion about how evil this blog is?
but this is funny too…
I just drop in here. I visit lots of places. Always on the lookout for new, interesting ideas.
And because I feel like it.
Dear God,
I confess that I am a sinning piece of shit. Please forgive me O Lord. I place my faith in you and your son and I believe that you have forgiven me.
Amen
I forgive you Ben and will let you back into My Kingdom.
Now I demand from you all more specific confessions of sins that you have all committed and need forgiveness for. If I am feeling charitable, I will forgive and forget.
Just doing my part to spread the herpes… in a totally positive way.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0vtHwWReGU0
God,
Please forgive me for being slutty and spreading my legs for every man who winks at me. I can’t help it, O Lord, for big cock feels so wonderfully delicious in my vajayjay.
And please approve my link so we can spread the herpes together with much love.
oh well in that case I must confess Lord, for I recently committed the sin of mopery. I exposed myself to an old blind woman at a retirement home. I know it was wrong, but she was a GILF. Please forgive me Lord.
Amen.
God,
How did Ben get forgiven when he didn’t properly capitalize for You or Your Son??
Ben - that is gross. You should be ashamed of yourself. Seriously. However, I forgive you.
Unpleasant Jew - Damn you! I do what I want with My Blog. And I say now is the time for people to confess their sins.
And you are no longer a jew. I banish you! You shall burn in the lake of fire for ridiculing Me!
dear god,
i confess that the lack of hate on this blog is gay.
SO HE DID! Ben you are no longer forgiven. Count yourself amongst the damned!
God,
So this means You did not forgive me?
Help the aged, don’t just put them in a home,
can’t have much fun in there all on their own.
And deliver them from Benny. Amen.
I forgive you too Josh. Welcome to the fold My good and faithful servant.
And fear not, I will smite Jay-Z for his blasphemy.
shutup, jew.
God, I thought Jews were forgiven en masse, no matter how unpleasant they are. Can’t keep your own rules straight? Maybe it’s because you’re GAY.
Wait. I got that wrong. God’s not gay. His rules are. God is celibate, like one of his priests. He did it with Mary, and that was that. No poon in 2000 years. And we wonder why he’s cranky.
shutup, Anne.
i confess, Dear Lord, to sexual lewdness, bribery, extortion, murder, larceny, and peeing in the coffee. and all those times i roofied nun to get a peek at her hoo-ha.
ben, shut up.
…and drug abuse and theft and hating asia.
God,
Please don’t smite Jay Z too hard, I beg You almight one. He is one of the greatest rappers of all time. Without him and people like him and the Roots (which happen to be on his record label), rap would fall into the hands of people like Soulja Boy (who is clearly in the army of Satanus.)
josh,
rap has fallen into the hands of people like soulja boy.
FACE!!!#@$!
100
Ben,
Where the FACE?
Other than God FACING us all by giving you, a borderline retard, 100.
cracka faced rap.
I love you Benny, and not in a Curtis way. More in a I am Sam way. I want you to keep your daughter.
SHUT UP, BEN!!!
i drive good on the driveway
good for you. you’re a good retard, aren’t you? who’s my good little retard? who’s my good little retard?
Dear God,
Thank You for Your mercy to my sheep and I.
I confess that I’d like them to do an upskirt on Sarah Palin right in the middle of the presidential debate…
…and I confess that I’d like the whole world to discover that she’s really a tranny.
[and a big "HI" to Curtis from all his friends in Noo Zillun]
um…I don’t know….is it me? or are you talking about someone else??
oh, i’m sorry, i should have been more specific. i forgot how easy it is to confuse you retards…whom i LOVE!!!!!!!! i just hate your parents.
Cracka’s delusional and thinks he’s God now.
God hates them so i hate them, nun. just following Master. you don’t have to think this way. try it!!
Benny, are you secretly married to Bridgette?
I don’t think, Cracka. It makes it too difficult to be a cheap floozy.
Exactly Nun–thinking is a waste of brain space that could be focused on sex.
AGREED!! thinking is bullshit because it’s not fucking.
The only reason to think is to determine which would be the best position to bring about the most pleasure. That’s the extent of my ‘thinking’.
I Confess to God now that I know that I am a sinning piece of shit.
I Beg You for Your Forgiveness.
I Place my faith in You and Your Son Jesus, who died for me(I’m a selfish bastard).
I Believe that You have forgiven me and accept You into my heart.
Am I in?
“…and I confess that I’d like the whole world to discover that she’s really a tranny.”
Like Anne Coulter? (shiver)
You sound like a virgin having their first sex Yo Mama…’am I in’?
No, that’s what my girlfriend said…
BAM!!!
wait a minute…your girlfriend?
curtis gargles testicles.
“wait a minute…your girlfriend?”
Flashback - not current reality.
Notice that Anne Coulter and the Anti-Christ have the same initials.
Why don’t any of the young earth, end-times creationists pick up on such associations?
Oh yeah…they’re too busy blaming the gays.
[Alright Curtis?]
http://news.yahoo.com/s/thenation/20081001/cm_thenation/45367139;_ylt=AoUyrbjsMkfg4jiBEL_7Tf27e8UF
McCain is getting even closer to yelling out ‘nigger’ for everybody to hear. Keep going with Your Long and Drawn Out Smite, God!!
Yo Yo was a fag!!
Yes…and Pearl was a singer.
‘Anne Coulter’ is an anagram of ‘An Eel or Cunt’
Pearl Bailey?
And nun, my g/f asked if I was in.
Not that I haven’t had offers…
…but I don’t butter my bread on that side…
130! Hah!
Limerick for Curtis
There once was a gay boy named Curt
Who liked rough, with a garnish of hurt,
He suspended himself
By his balls from a shelf
Then pulled on his lead-weighted shirt.
Your girlfriend said “am I in?”… even if she goes by ’she’, it still makes you gay. Sorry Yo.
Who’s on first?
Smoggy, nice limerick.
Look Curtis! you complained we were ignoring you, so I organised a “talk about Curtis day” and I put a lot of effort into writing an obscene limerick about you, and cracka has contributed some excellent insults, so…
…where the fuck are you? Bailing out Wall street?
I feel like Letterman being stood up by McCain…
…so used…
Ha! 135. Smoggy gets all the prime numbers…
you can all go to bed and weep
More used than a condom lying in the gutter behind the gym parking lot after Prom night?
You get prime numbers, Nun gets prime chiba.
Much, much more used…
As used as the American people after eight years of a George Bush presidency.
Nun got the better deal.
I hope God approves my link… more evidence that McCain is going to say ‘nigger’ for all to hear very, very soon. McCain is going crazy.
God,
Please smite sappy X-Files fans who care more about Mulder and Scully getting married and having babies than they do about Mulder and Scully actually investigating paranormal phenomena. Stupid saps.
MaCain has small-man syndrome–he moves like one of the thunderbirds puppets–
Nigger is such a big deal for all you Americans isn’t it? It isn’t even a word that really registers here…I guess the equivalent is calling a Maori a Hori, or a Samoan a coconut or a boonga
slavery, MLK, civil rights, KKK, lynchings, hate crime…yeah, it’s kind of a big deal here.
Smoggy,
‘Nigger’ is a big deal for Americans. Blacks can say it but whites can’t… not even if they’re listening to a Dr. Dre song.
so much so that if mccain said it, he would lose every state outside of the deep south by a landslide. he would, unfortunately, win every state inside the deep south by a landslide.
yeah, that part about the songs sucks. it’s in the lyrics! i’m singing along! i have to skip that word?!! fucking niggers have all the fun!!!!!!!!
Word to the cracka.
oh yeah, all that stuff–you make my colonial ancestors look like the Red Cross.
Do you think “The Hood” looks like McCain?
http://www.sylviaanderson.org.uk/html/faq.html
Hey!! Smoggy’s link gets posted but I look up and my link isn’t posted.
Thunderbirds - is that show still in production? I haven’t seen it since I was a kid. I also remember Fireball XL5.
…ahem…quote from the Almighty (see 27 above)
“Smoggy - All is forgiven My Child. Bathe in the warmth of My Love. “
Smoggy,
I hate you with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns for being allowed to post your link while my poor link hangs around in link limbo.
just cut/paste the url into your post.
Speaking of Link… I want a Wii so I can actually play a Zelda game.
You can get the old thunderbirds series on dvd, but there’s been a movie made recently–my kids were watching it yesterday (school holidays)
What do you think I did, Cracka? I can’t just magically make it appear without cutting and pasting. I’m not a Divine Deity.
‘link limbo’–nice alliteration nun–sounds like a dance
Smoggy, was the recent movie live action, or marionettes?
Nice use of a big word there, Smog.
hate to state the obvious nun, but you’re a woman–God has always had to monitor your sort a lot more closely–look at all the troubles you woman have caused him…and caused us men…you shameless whores…
…with your firm round breasts, your engorged nipples, your shapely buttocks, your moist, warm, tight….
…aagh…hack…hack…where’s my sheep…get me my clippers…
I do have some lovely titties. Thanks for that, God!!
Cracker
Have you been to the deep-south lately. Not as many white people down here as you may think. And those that are here have been given a large amount of guilt for actions commit before their birth.
That said, the most racist people I’ve ever met are in the country side and the rich peeks of the northeast.
Curtis one had a fling with his priest…
Don’t worry God, he was on his knees… no anal
Live action sadly, but not too bad…
[smoggy instantly posts a link]
http://www.thunderbirdsmovie.com/enter.html
Grrr…
I also just noticed that God never forgave me for being a slut.
Nun,
#144 - I see you saw “Kill the Messenger”
what was your link to? Perhaps you could just give us the google key word.
Furthermore, how do we know you have nice titties? I demand proof.
D-cup, Josh. Nice and firm. Beautiful titties they are. Yoda I think I am.
It’s a news story on Yahoo talking about how McCain is getting testier and testier as Obama’s poll numbers get better and better. And don’t ask him about Palin’s “experience” when he’s feeling feisty. Sooo close to that ‘nigger’.
And yeah, I saw Kill the Messenger… I love Rock, he states it the way it is. Black man gotta fly to get to where the white man can walk to. Racism is alive and well.
I agree nun, about Rock. I saw Kill the Messenger at the Apollo, I have not seen it on HBO as I only have basic cable.
Please send me pictures of your titties, as I think you are lying.
Maybe I’ll post one on Facebook at some point in time. I get hot knowing that all kinds of creepy-freakies are jacking off to my most beautiful and luscious titties.
Now, on to more important matters… you are black if you saw Rock at the Apollo… don’t think I don’t know that the only whities they allow in there are slaughtered backstage.
oh, josh just got outed.
it’s funny that you can’t post links here, nun…and, josh is right, you keep talking about how hot you are but all we see is a spiky blue thing.
Nun,
I’ve performed at the Apollo, Harlem ain’t what it used to be. It’s full of rich white people (and lots of gays now). Even Bill Clinton has offices there.
About 2 years ago there was a huge thing in NYC because so many white people moved to Harlem and renovated the browanstones there that they had to redo the tax code and some of the people who lived there since slavery could not afford it.
I saw Rock at the Apollo, and at MSG two months before, and before that at Stand Up NY where that little bastard (meant as a term of endearment) bumped me off a show! Then he joined my convesation like it never happened! But he’s a good dude.
Brownstones! They renovated the brownstones!
i hope your act is better than your interwebbing.
Cracka,
I’m known amoung my comic friends as a horrible speller. Luckily I don’t have to type my act out to the audience.
interwebbing? That’s not allowed in some parts of the South.
we could all post pictures of our titties–heh, heh–it’ll be like being a kid again (I’ll show you mine if you show me yours)
Huffington has McCain getting testy:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/10/01/mccain-gets-testy-with-de_n_130801.html
stupid old cunt
In regards to the links, I suspect that Smoggy is right and God doesn’t trust me because I have a vagina. You could have made me with a penis and I’d have been happy, God!! I wouldn’t be talking about Ewan McGregor, I’d be wanting to bang Gillian Anderson like the rest of my fellow heathens.
And I never said I was hot… I said I had a nice set of ta-tas.
Josh,
Am I understanding you correctly? You were to open for Rock but got bumped??? Or did Rock do an impromptu performance and you got bumped for that? Either way, would I recognize your name if you ever chose to share it?
let’s see here, all i have to do is kill all the aspiring comedians in NYC named josh something or other. that narrows it down to about 13,000! thanks, josh!
we could post nun’s links and face her
CHECK OUT THIS LINK, NUN! IT’S HILARIOUS!!!!
http://stuffgodhates.wordpress.com/2008/10/01/confess/#comment-11666
HAHAHAHA!!!
uppity cracka, to kill all the aspiring comedians named josh in NYC, you will have to visit about 980 restaurants. Check the name tags.
Easy kill - and room for dessert!
who is josh????? josh is who??????
dude, it would be a lot easier for me to kill you if you just tell me who you are. besides, you’re not really somebody until you have a stalker, right?
Blame Eve for God’s hatred of women, nun…and Mary posting on His blog.
You’ve got guilt by association. But you can handle it–in our society women are raised to feel crippling guilt about everything and still keep going.
Jesus loves you, Nun.
i’d like to kill carlos mencia. fuck, that guy is NOT funny.
Smoogy, is that why women traditionally have longer hair than men? Because they tear it out when the guilt kicks in?
# 180
FACE nun!!!
Now, if only you were Anne I’d be right back in God’s good books. I’ll bet Anne can’t post either…
Carlos Mencia is a THIEF!! Yeah, I said it and I’m not just trying to get in Joe Rogan’s pants either.
Jesus loves me because I’m a fag-hag.
I’m so sad. God works in mysterious ways so I know He has a reason for not letting me post links… He hates me.
long-haired women feel guilty because they are feminising themselves and playing to male fantasies
short haired women feel guilty because they aren’t sufficiently feminine
women who dye their hair feel guilty because they aren’t aging gracefully
Women who don’t dye their hair feel guilty because they think people will think they don’t care about their appearance
and so on…and so on…
whatever they do, however they do it, whenever they do it, women will find something to feel guilty about…because that’s how the programming works.
Men feel guilty when they get caught.
I love Michael Moore’s righteous anger:
http://www.michaelmoore.com/words/message/index.php?id=237
I wish he was your president.
What do ya mean, when we get caught?
Man, I feel so guilty.
Sleep with someone Nun, let him get caught, so he feels guilty.
Nun,
I was not set to open for Rock, I was just on a show. He walked in and asked the booker if he could get some time. I just happened to be next, so I got bumped off the show.
I did open for Paul Mooney. He’s an old school racist.
Cracka,
Who is Josh? Like I said, I’m no fucking body. Really. No body.
nun is right Carlos Mencia is a joke theif, he’s stolen from Cosby, Sam K, and many more.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lCixAktGPlg
we wait for 200 to be crowned.
You seem pretty cool to me Josh…
Now where the fuck is Curtis–ungrateful bastard. I hope he feels guilty
I’ve given up trying for the 100s
200?
seriously
Who wants to trade sex for guilt??
nooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
oops
Take that Anne Johnson (you naughty pagan nude-swimmer)–S. Batzrubble claims 200 for GOD.
Smoggy’s a thief too. He trained with Carlos Mencia. He is right that Josh seems pretty cool though.
I believe you, Josh.
But if a new sitcom appears that’s about a comedian, his zany friends on a blog, and their witty banter, we’ll be peeved.
Unless I get a cut of the residuals and credit above the line.
Nun can be the Key Grip, Curtis, of course, is Best Boy.
Grips hold the light or something like that, I’m a glorified light boy. Oh well, if I’m not in somebody’s trailer trading sex for guilt then you can find me at craft services waiting for the chubbasaurus behind-the-sceners.
Call me if you want a writer Josh–I love that sort of stuff. I still think the ‘Death of Benny’ sequence deserves an on-line Oscar.
I’m not production crew - I want to be the wacky (yet well-hung) next door neighbor.
Nun, when she isn’t pretending to be a fluffer, can be the sexy/ditzy female best friend. Or Head Grip.
I wonder how “Josh” feels about God’s Hatred towards those Microsoft commercials. They really were kind of lame, Jerry I mean Josh. Gates looks kind of creepy when he adjusts his shorts.
I’m not cool at all.
However if my sitcom gets picked up I will work the word “FACE!” into, that way you’ll know it’s me.
I like Jerry, I hated those fucking commercials.
I want to be Jennifer from WKRP in Cincinatti.
So does Curtis.
Loni Anderson was so effing hot.
Agreement!
Loni was too plastic for me. When I was a wee smoggy I was in love with Angie Dickinson from ‘Police Woman’. I’m sure finding a nude photo of her kick-started puberty for me.
I had a crush on Harrison Ford when I was a wee nun. Then he had a midlife crisis and found himself attracted to a stick person. I no longer have a crush on Harrison Ford.
Smoggy, I went with a local product - Kelly Coombs went to boob camp over the summer and started wearing short skirts in seventh grade - I still can’t remember anything from that year.
Except that you had a constant boner.
I had a crush on Christina Applegate, sadly God smitted her.
God took her breasteses away.
With you there Josh–Christina was one of my favourites as well.
I know God works in mysterious ways, I often wonder why He had to take away hers and why not the super large bolders that Aretha Franklin has.
maybe He always takes the ones He loves…Kylie Minogue had cuties too
smoggy,
your wisdom amazes me. God clearly thinks the boobs are too divine for mortals to behold and He brings to heaven. I await the day Christina Applegate is reunited with her treasures.
My favorite as a horny young Annie was … Mel Gibson *HACK. BARF. SLAP SELF.*
Have you seen him lately? All that work on behalf of God, I’ll bet Mel gets lung cancer and the smiting he deserves.
I’m going for a drink. Anyone want anything?
I’m not treating.
“Kelly Coombs” Yo Mama? With me it was my older brother’s girlfriends. Some of them were so hot…
…bastard!
Other than Mel, I was totally in love with every member of the 1979 Baltimore Orioles. Especially Jim Palmer. Remember him, Nun? One day he smiled at me. Instant orgasm.
Hey there Annie,
It’s an early summer day here… I’ll have a gin and tonic on the porch…Bombay Sapphire, lots of ice, slice of lime.
Did ya see me get 200.. did ya?…did ya? God says all is forgiven and I bathe in the warmth of His love. And nun can’t post links directly but I can…heh, heh.
ummm… what do you nude pagan swimmers bathe in?
That’s not the warmth of His love that you’re bathing in, Smoggy. HAHA!!
Was it Palmer’s eyes that did it for ya, Anne?
.
.
Did anybody notice that all the references to eating African babies have disappeared from another post?
God,
Please don’t second guess Your Divine Hate. Your Divine Uneasiness troubles me, Lord. And surely Bono has a sense of humor… or maybe not.
don’t mess with me son..I might be forced to smite you’re wrinkly ole ass.
Grammar, goddess… work on your grammar before you threaten the Almighty. It’s ‘your’ not ‘you’re’. Stupid contractions are always fucking up us mortals.
YoYo - You are forgiven. Welcome to My Kingdom.
Nun - I forgive you for being such a slut, but only because its you.
As to the African babies and Bono, shhh!! I do not want people to find out about it, or else the forces of evil will not let Bono and his ilk go to Africa anymore, thus resulting in less dead African babies. SHHH!!
goddess - You are nothing. You will smite nothing. There is no such thing as a goddess. You are nothing but a dumb heathen whore.
Dear God,
I confess that I acted like a jerk when I committed the sin of pride every day while working for Faux News and The Whitey House. I’m really really sorry that I did it, and I beg for your forgiveness. I place my faith in You and Your Son Jesus and accept You into my heart.
Your perpetual sycophant,
Tony
er, that’s Your forgiveness
…respectful capitalization is trickier than i thought
I, the Grim Reaper, am a massive sinner with standards lower than the lowest of lows and as a result am unworthy of Your Forgiveness, which is why I ask of You to atone of my sins and give myself away to The Way of The Lord and Your Son Jesus as a means of receiving Your Forgiveness. I have cut off my toes as a sacrifice to You as I have found them practically useless.
Hallelujah and I will be thankful for Your Inifinite Holy Appraisal.
#232, Nun how old are you? All the people Anne mentioned, I had no effing clue who those pepaws were.
O great Goddess, creatress of the vast universe! All blessing and honor and Dublin Dr. Pepper be to Thee! Speak to this nasty deity who smiteth the weak with boils in their nether regions! And protect all the African babies from his wrath! It’s time to send this god to the recycle bin … no … because then he’ll be recycled. Let us use all the great advances of modern science, devised in Your Holy Name, to prove that he doesn’t exist!!!
So might it be,
Anne the faithful
Smoggy, yeah, Kelly. She was a hottie all through High School. Very ornamental. One of my friends walked around a corner in the Junior High hallway and bumped into her, his hand flew up to chest level in reflex.
He reported:
1: Yes, they’re real. (Some thought she stuffed her bra)
and
2: He’d been instantly moved through three years of puberty.
Nun, yeah, constant boner. It was terrible when I had to go to the chalkboard and diagram a sentence, I walked like an arthritic ape imitating Groucho Marx.
Teacher: “Yo Yo, straighten up.”
Yo Yo: “….Just a second.”
One look at Teacher, and the boner vanished.
“Let us use all the great advances of modern science, devised in Your Holy Name, to prove that he doesn’t exist!!!”
Of course, once we do that, we move on to your goddess.
FACE!!!
Not a face, uppity. My Goddess exists. And she loves you. This I know, for the oak tree tells me so.
oh yeah? so then she’s the one responsible for how fucked up the world is. what a stupid cunt.
what a stupid cunt goddess. fuck her. with a cactus.
Her only fault is that She’s stood by while God fucked everything up. But She’s about to take him across Her knee and give him the ass-whuppin he deserves.
Either that or She’s just waiting for Rapture, to get all these stupid Bridgettes off the planet for good.
You can say what you like about her, cracka. She won’t smite you. Unlike some deities we know.
WooHoo!! My link was finally posted but nobody cares anymore.
#236 - God,
Thank You, O Divine Lord. Your Forgiveness lifts the veil of sin from my eyes and I can see!! Now I see all the sinning that us mortals do and really want the veil put back over my eyes. Ignorance is bliss.
#240 - Josh,
I am as old as Gillian Anderson, almost to the day… figure out her age and you’ve got the answer. I’d berate you for asking a lady her age but I’m not a lady so what would be the point of that??
“My Goddess exists. ”
My Invisible Friend can beat up your Invisible Friend!
“fuck her. with a cactus.”
Or give her a lightsaber enema. Either one will do.
FACE!
FACE!
They say that most imaginary friends are actually ghosts.
My imaginary friend was caught in bed with my inner child. Now the friend’s in jail and my inner child is in Juvie Hall.
well, nun, it would appear “they” are idiots.
I wouldn’t be so sure, Cracka. I had one when I was a kid, when we moved, she didn’t.
nun’s weekly vagina:
as nun’s vagina brushed aside nun’s giant old lady breasts to peek out at the world with its venous stinkeye…i poked at its probiscus and watched it retreat hastily back into the safety of nun’s wall of booby flesh/chastity belt that doesn’t work very well…it was pretty gross.
It’s probably better than looking at your face.
Bleagh, I feel ill.
old lady breasts? come on dude, she as young as Gillian Anderson, another childhood crush of mine. I want to believe, that one day I’ll sleep with her.
hmm…who got FACED there? it’s hard to say. mine was weird and gross. nun’s was quick and somewhat incisive. it’s in the court of public opinion now.
one day ten years ago, josh??
nun went old school FACE on you cracka
i had a girlfriend once who looked almost exactly like gillian anderson, except she had a better body. it was cool. i think she started to get creeped out when she suspected i was kind of pretending she WAS gillian anderson. i shouldn’t have called her “scully.” fuck.
At least I can clean up my snatch and make her presentable. You’re stuck with that face. HAHA!!
well, that was just hurtful.
Just calling ‘em like I see ‘em. Now I have to scratch my eyes out for even looking at you. Thanks a lot, Cracka.
i look a lot better in braille.
With all those flabby bumps, crevices and the spongy-softness?? I doubt that.
i just tell her it’s my penis…usually works out for her.
until she’s like, “deeper!! harder!!”
and all you can hear is the muffled response, “this is as deep as i can fit without suffocating!!”
Hurrfff…
Wiggle your ears and spit. She’ll never know the difference.
…the horror…the horror…
I know, Yo. The thought of Cracka’s hideous naked body is quite frightening.
haha! good one, nun!
you FACED an imaginary dumb blind girl.
The thought of both of you (his disgusting face, your oozing love-slot) slamming together in a travesty of fucking has caused me to vomit up everything I’ve eaten since breakfast.
…oh God, here comes the pot roast…huurrggg…
keep that pot roast vomit, yo. we can use it for something, i’m sure.
275-that’s why i shower in a wet suit and there are no mirrors in my bathroom.
Feed the big chunks to the Sacred Vultures, have good luck all day!
Yo,
The thought of fucking Cracka is too ghastly to even contemplate. I hope God smites your ass good for even mentioning such a thing.
…a glass of orange juice…
…two plates of hash browns…
…wait a minute, I don’t remember eating that…
Nun, I hope and pray God smites out that dreadful image! It’s so bad, Satan is gnashing his teeth, and Jesus is drinking gin straight from the bottle!
anne, sorry, the vultures are going hungry…the toilet is sated.
That’s what you get for picturing Cracka naked, Yo.
.
.
Fag.
my skin is so dystended that i cover myself in petroleum jelly and saran wrap to keep from drying out completely and spilling out maggots and partially digested spam all over the place. i kind of look like the belly of a catfish carcass. it’s not good.
but i’m working out now. so, hopefully i can lose four or five hundred pounds.
self FACE!!!!
haha! yoyo’s a gaylord!!
ah, the sacred, elusive self FACE!
thanks, josh.
you earned it you disgusting slob.
gaylord? Wasn’t that a chararacter in a cartoon? He was a vulture, I believe.
And Nun, I’m not gay, sorry to disappoint you!
yo yo ma ma, do you play the violin?
nun’s looking for some old guy to fulfill her hermaphroditic needs.
it’s been like 6 months and that’s the first yoyoma reference. wow.
and they wait, to claim it in the name of God
Forget it. God cheats.
stop being immature and just effing post something
I claim 300 not for myself but for the Lord God.
If someone he doesn’t like gets it, he just goes in and re-arranges the comments, or deletes them altogether. That’s how losers like Smoggy get ahead in the world.
Gaylord’s a buzzard, in Broom Hilda: http://www.broomhilda.com/gaylord.htm
Josh, I’ve played second fiddle all my life, but, no I don’t play the violin.
Ooooooo! A challenge for God! If he deletes Josh claiming 300 for himself, he’s stuck with Goddess Annie claiming it for Druids!
I think the Looney Toon buzzard is called Beaky. But I don’t like him, because buzzards aren’t stupid.
no he’s not. he’s God. he has that flashy thing from “men in black” stupid druid.
poor yoyo. no one’s EVER proposed to you? i’m sure under some weird pagan law johnson could marry you off to an imaginary friend of some kind.
Anne,
I got to get some of those drugs you’re on. If God deletes my comment (which I don’t know why He would) then the next comment is mine claing 300 for Him and His glory.
How does that translate to anything regarding Druids?
Also is it true Druids have great weed because the trees tell them which is the best?
Don’t let him dis you, Yo Yo. With friends like cracka, the imagination looks damned good.
My bad, Josh. I read it wrong. Yet another toady for the lord.
Anne,
At least I’m not a toady for an actual toad.
Druids do not reveal their secrets to great weed unless you join up.
Then, and only then, do you discover that god’s chiba is Grade C.
i’ll remember you said that when you need a zoning permit or want your kids to get into private school or want to play the club courses or make some parking tickets disappear. ha! you fool! keep your friends close, but the crackers even closer. haven’t you seen godfather?
I was just about to say that Druids do not endorse illegal activity such as partaking of chiba, as it is not part of our traditional rituals.
Damn, we’re gonna have a hard enough time surviving the Palin Purge. Don’t need weed hung on us.
that’s right. she got cured of witchcraft, didn’t she? well, now you’re screwed.
Chiba is a fucking plant given to us by God. God cares nothing about mortal laws.
nun gets pissed about not living in amsterdam. no cops hassling her at work(whorehouse) or home(reefer bar).
never proposed? How’d you figure that? I play second fiddle, meaning I don’t get to be the lead. It’s a good thing - I screw up other people’s projects, they take the blame.
Don’t Druids worship mistletoe? A poisonous, leachlike plant that steals life from other plants?
Nun does get pissed about that kind of thing. It’s a fucking plant and my vajayjay is mine to do with what I want!!
DAMN THE MAN!!!! DAMN ME!!!!!!
Easy down, cracka. What’s The Man done to you now? And where is Chico?
God, it looks like Ryan Sohmer and Lar DeSouza need a Smiting: http://www.leasticoulddo.com/#
Cracka Da Man and he always gotta be keepin’ a homie down.
i know!!! look what we’ve done to the economy!!! i hate me!!!
I hate you too.
(slaps cracka across the face) Dammit, man! Snap out of it! Without you, and millions of uppity crackas across America, we’d be in a world of hurt, soldier!
So I want you to square your shoulder, put your nose to the grindstone, your shoulder to the wheel! Think of America, grit your teeth, and do it for Old Glory! There are no cowards in this man’s army! Every cloud has a silver lining, and it’s our duty to smelt it into coins and spend them! The pot at the end of the rainbow is gold, not chiba! When the the going gets tough, the tough call in the Marines!
Now go do it for the Gripper!
(wraps self in American flag, stalks off the stage, still muttering)
God,
I confess that I touched myself in naughty ways last night and You were the main attraction in my fantasy. Is it a sin to masturbate to Your Divine Countenance, God?
you’re right, yoyo!! it’s not my fault. it’s all those dirty mexicans and liberal terrorists!!! we will defend america’s honor, sir!!!!! so long as you are referring to the white man’s america!!!!!! prepare to die.
Damned straight, soldier! I’m proud to be a middle aged white man! Fight the good fight! We’re the solution, not the problem!
And watch the Candian border, only God knows what those crazy Canuck terrorists are planning! Hide your women! There’s a gun and extra ammo behind your door!
The emergency signal will be three horn blasts, or two sharp notes on a bassoon.
i am prepared to kill ethnics, sir.
RACE WAR!!!!!!
Good trooper! If they don’t look like us, sound like us, mow our lawns, or, God help us, eat ethnic foods, open fire.
hold on, do i shoot the landscapers or not? i’m confused.
Hmmmm…let the lanscapers live, for now. And the maid, and the pool boy. Unless he’s been making eyes at your daughters.
Deport anyone whose ancestors hadn’t arrived in Virginia by 1650. Then all that would be left in America are a couple of white trash rednecks and lots of black people.
this is the white man’s country!! we stole it fair and square!!
Anne,
Isn’t America already a bunch of red neck hicks and black people? I group Latinos and the Asians in the Black catergory.
yeah, they all look the same to me.
nun, how the hell does your team plan on winning at giant stadium this weekend against the defending champs coming off a bye week?
I want to see a flick called ‘The Brown Bunny’… and not for the real-life blowjob at the end.
The same way any team beats another team, Cracka. Are you an idiot?
by scoring more points?
Score one for the brainiac.
“The same way any team beats another team, Cracka.”
Stealing signals, ‘roiding, checkbook coaching.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
I’M IN CONTINUING EDUCATION CLASSES ALL DAY — This HAS to be one hell of a smite from God! Oh, the humanity!!
Dear Big Daddy God,
I realize that I am a sinner, and that I want to do anal (only in secret) and I beg for forgiveness. Please deliver me from this monotone douche bag who has been droning on for hours.
And a special thanks for everyone who has talked about me today. I feel really, uhm, well, okay whatever.
Amen.
ps. cock.
Most of the people here haven’t been educated in the first place, let alone having to continue it.
ps. rooster
But Anne,
I’m all ejamecated out. I ain’t got no more room in my noggin for no more learnin’.
ps. willie
And lunch break is over. Pray for me!
ps. johnson
haha, curtis is a pillow biter!
johnson, we ARE educated. look at this:
2 + 2 = intelligent design!!!
crap, i have to continue my education next week. shit!!!
here’s what a white blood cell looks like in a microscope…
no shit?!! are we getting paid for this?
Curtis, I feel for you, brother. I always sit in the back and fire up the laptop, pretending to take notes. Of course, no one is doing that, we’re all working, or surfing, or wasting time here.
As the afternoon wears on, I find myself slumping, a MegaCoke chased with Red Bull helps for awhile, until the heart palpitations kick in.
Anne, my education came from Star Fleet Academy, I have a framed diploma on the wall.
i’m enjoying the newest attacks blaming obama and the dems for the crisis and claiming obama will add 1 trillion after the bailout. i can’t figure out where the logic is coming from. but, it’s funny that now their not even trying to weave carefully wording misleading numbers into it, just straight up making shit up.
crap. “they’re” not “their”. i hate contractions!
McCain actually said that Obama is in the lead because “life isn’t fair.”
LOL.
He then goes on and says how he tried to help with the bail out by pulling his ads off the air. Really? By not spending money and thereby pulling those dollars out of the economy you were helping it? F U Pirate McCain!
Curtis has classes in rectal relaxation
I think Barney Frank did this shit on purpose. Think of it. A self-professed socialist who has the opportunity to force a situation where the republican president would be force to do a government take-over of the banks. Can’t think of a better chess-move…
We are so fucked in the worst way.
*Forced*
Agreed. But being this fucked is about as normal as most people could ever hope to be
oh well, might as well go out and max the shit out of your credit cards now while they still work.
True but that’s why I don’t live in places like China or Somolia.
Lately, no shit, my continuing education has been to learn how to stand up and walk again. It’s a fun course, because every time you say “ouch” you get a Vicodin. Pavlov would be proud, because I’ve learned how to say “ouch” frequently and with conviction.
cracka, if you know what a white blood cell is, will you help my brat with her 9th grade biology? Only October and she’s already flunked three quizzes. But she’s good-looking, so it really doesn’t matter.
cracka, for real I went and bought a pair of shoes because I figured the card would evaporate.
Does anybody here play Sims 2?
I’ve pulled all my money out of the bank and buried it in some jars in the back yard.
If that fails, I’ve got some traps I can set, I’ll trade pelts for ammunition and gunpowder.
johnson, if your daughter is on her way to hotness and she sucks at biology maybe you should teach her the ways of gold digging. it pays well.
Yeah annie–it worked for Sarah Palin!
I think God plays Sims… He talks about it occasionally anyway.
God,
Do You have any issues with Your sims getting sunburnt or tan and then the burn or tan never fades? It’s pissing me off, God!
Agreement. She can go to college for a Mrs. degree, find some old money stud-boy set to join Daddy’s business, and be set for life.
God plays Sims with us. I hope He never hits the RESET button.
Nice moment on NZ radio this fine Friday morning–they played a soundbite of Palin speaking, and the two hosts had a disagreement, one thought it was the real Palin, and the other thought it was Tina Fey doing a Palin take off (quote: that’s not real, that’s the joke version).
Turns out is was the real Sarah Palin–”you betcha”
Dear God,
Below is an abridged list of my more despicable crimes against thee for which I am now seeking forgiveness.
1. Gazing towards the heavens with an obnoxious look on my face, placing the tip of my thumb to my nose, wiggling my fingers and shouting ” neener, neener, neener!” in a nasally voice.
2. Mating an atheist scientist with a Shinto priestess in hopes of creating some sort of super heathen. It didn’t work but it was a hell of a lot of fun to watch.
3. Entertaining vivid fantasies about breaking into the Sistine chapel and smearing feces over your holy visage while chanting a Buddhist prayer.
I could go on but I think you get the idea. Anyway … sorry. Hope we can be pals.
Yes, folks, I am considering http://www.marryamillionaire dot com for my youngest child. It was a fellow Druid who told me, “You’re going to have a small window of opportunity with that one, but while it’s open she might land someone rich.” He went on to predict her messy divorce, weight gain, and bitter middle age. I almost went back to being Methodist.
Smoggy: Go back to bed, we’re 23 hits away from 400.
Jello: If you hurry you can join God’s holy anger management class.
I play God with my sims. I love to make them stand outside when it’s raining until they get hit by lightning repeatedly.
jello biafra?
slippy dongswallow will never have 400!!!!!
379
Some of the office workers are going to dress up for Halloween. I won’t make the same mistake I made last year, when I congratulated one of the women on her ‘desperate aging slut’ costume.
… which she stole from Smoggy’s wife
ah, halloween….can we all just admit it’s become nothing more than the one day a year that women can dress like absolute whores without judgment?
17 to go.
SMOGGY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
385…wait for it….
# 382, agreement, cracka. It’s when a man dresses like an absolute whore, that’s when I get uneasy.
This year, I’m wearing nothing but rollerskates and going as a pull toy.
tell your wife that you would like her to signal when she wants to have sex. if yes, just pull on your penis once. if no, just pull on your penis 100 times.
Angry?, I’m not angry. As proof I point out that my little symbol is a cool triangle with sunglasses. Your the one with the angry looking octagon.
I love penises.
LOL, cracka!
Nun, some women are sad they don’t have a penis, until they find how many men are willing to share theirs.
I never said I wasn’t angry. Just look at all this disrespect for Halloween, the most sacred day on the Druid calendar!
Happy New Year, Anne!
I love penises, but on other people — not myself.
Thank you, Yo Yo … now give Smoggy’s wife her slut suit back.
Or you can just give it to Smoggy. I know he’s lurking …
Maybe he’s stuck inside one of his sheep.
You are welcome, Anne.
Errr, it’s not Smoggy’s wife’s slut suit…
Jello is a great lubricant, Smoggy. And it smells good too!
Smoggy! You own a slut suit? You wild thang you.
So I guess you have a life after all.
Anne got 400? wtf?
Quick, everybody, read it! Cuz God’s gonna strike it as soon as he sees it!
hey!
Yo Yo’s my witness!
Always happy to help a brother out. and yes I do smell nice, thank you
Now God’s really gonna get you, Smoggy!
Jello, I’ve got to get back to work, but I really want to know. If someone dives into a pool of you, do they drown?
Heh, the way I see it, God will smite my comment # 401 and your #402, leaving Smoggy in control of the board.
I’ve never tried jello as a lubricant. I tried peanut butter, but found, to my chargin, that chunky pb is a terrible lubricant!
Peanut butter is what you use when you want your dog to lick your willy, Yo. You really suck at this whole sex thing, don’t you?
…sad…juvenile…puerile…immature…
God knows i have more important things to do than chase around after numbers with a pagan. I’m on a SECRET mission.
Hey, KY-jello fellow, do you prefer being used for anal or vaginal?
Saddly, yes
Barring devine intervention there is little hope for such a person escaping a tasty demise.
i thought you used peanut butter if you wanted cracka to lick your willy (ahem…ain’t no peanut butter in my house)
And classes are over for the day. Stupid job. I’m off to get a beer with the girls.
Nun, I play the Sims. Whenever I get really really pissed off at someone at work, I like to make a Sim of them and put them in a room and delete the door. They soon starve to death. Or, you can put them in the swimming pool and take out the ladder. They’ll eventually drown.
It’s a nice way to wind down.
How many virgins did God promise you for the SECRET mission, Smoggy?
411
Do I have to choose?
Curtis
DID YOU LIKE MY POEM????????????????
How many virgins? An entire flock, Anne.
heh, Curtis… I do the same thing.
Smoggy, I loved your poem. How did you know I likes it rough?
“You really suck at this whole sex thing, don’t you?”
Sadly, it runs in the family. Before my sister got married to a Greek sailor, Mom tried to tell the facts of life, but my sister brushed her off, saying she knew all that stuff.
“OK”, said Mom. “Just remember, if he asks you to roll over, you don’t have to.”
So they get married, and one night the sailor asks her to roll over.
“No, I don’t want to,and Mama said I don’t have to! she replied.
“Wassamatter?” he asked, “Don’t you want to get pregnant?”
Yo Yo, that was so fucking funny that I forgot to laugh.
Funny? This my family we’re talking about!
yoyo is the local keeper of dusty old jokes.
where’s josh to criticize you? must be bussing tables.
I was wonder that myself, cracka. I set the whole thing up just for him.
Based on what Josh has said previously, he might actually have the background to criticize us.
why’s that? because he’s stood in front of a microphone? hell, my stand up shtick between songs is more successful than the actual songs. you don’t see me telling anyone to shut up, ben!!!!!!!!!
or did Nun mean his sister married a Greek sailor?
my band’s opened for national acts before. does that give me the right to tell you that your musical taste is pedestrian and unimaginative?! yes it does!!!
right, because that would qualify him to be personally offended, wouldn’t it?
Because he actually has got on a fucking stage and told jokes for a crowd. I seriously doubt if either of you has ever done that.
well, i have actually and it’s pretty scary.
Only once. Open mic night and Happy Hour will never be the same.
haha! yoyo’s a stand up!!
But seriously folks…take my wife - Please!
I could work the Borscht Belt comedy clubs.
cracka, you did standup?
Fuck Fuck Fuck!!!!
I missed on 400.
yo yo, that is a old joke. I think i read it in Truly Tasteless Jokes Vol. 2
And no cracka I was not waiting tables. I was actually doing something for my career (not my job scraping shrimp!, Nun knows that joke from Kill the Messanger) Hopefully things will work out.
cracka you did stand up?
I’m not the best stand up, but I got balls. I’ve done the Apollo, the place where they boo kids.
They boo everybody Josh. They’re black, you know.
not really, the apollo loves nothing more than a big white woman who can sing “black”
Those are black women in whiteface, Josh.
Nun,
the day I did the Apollo the MC told the crowd that they no longer boo kids, that it hurts their self esteem etc. The crowd boo’d the MC for saying that. He had to say “calm down, there will be plenty of chances to boo later”
It hurts the self esteem of adults too. Fuck the kids.
ahh, they boo’d Chappelle and he said it was the best thing to ever happen to him. They also boo’d Lauren Hil and James Brown. They did not however boo me!
Lauren Hill is a bitch, James Brown is dead and Chappelle ran off to Africa. They were all seriously damaged by the boos at the Apollo.
LOL! good points.
Did you watch Chappelle on Inside the Actor’s Studio? He said that up until that point when he got boo’d he had never bombed, and it was something that scared him. Once he got boo’d by the hundreds of people and “that wave of boos came in” he realized bombing was not that bad because he had seen the worst of it. It allowed him to be free on stage.
I’ve bombed and it’s a horrible feeling, but the show after I end up doign well. I have something to prove to myself and it shows then.
Seriously speaking, you never know how success really feels unless you know how failure feels.
I think if more people realized that the wages of sin is demon rape, they would stop listening to those fucking Jonas Brothers!
Miley Cyrus was pooped out of Satan’s bowels too, dumberthanyou.
400-and-a-half
Wow…demon rape!
…you say that like it’s a bad thing.
Grim Reaper - You are forgiven.
Jello - You are damned.
Nun - No, it is not a sin to masturbate when thinking about Me. It is, in fact, one of the most divine forms of worship for you to come unto Me.
God,
WooHoo!! I came unto You good, God!! You Handsome Deity, You.
Today I stuck my uncircumcised penis into a girl and fucked her anally until I came.
I confess.
Do you work in an old folks’ home Mike?
Uncircumcised probably makes that a little easier… Not that I’d know
Is Jesus there? Can I get a second opinion?
Dad,
I confess to you that I know that I am a sinning piece of shit. I humbly beg You Father please for forgiveness. I know that you are still mad that I am in Heaven with my mom and my step-dad Joe. Please forgive me. Please?
I’m so confused without you. I just know that I place all my faith in You and me. Please don’t forget that I DIED to help spread your word and to polish up your image with a message of love. I believe I have forgiven myself, and I believe that You have forgiven me and I accept You and me into my heart.
Amen
- Jesus
damn Mike. I think you left off several ways to piss off God some more. was the girl fat? or a loser who tries her best? for that matter, is she asian or african? and is she an atheist? is your penis an atheist? I like that you made your link to microsoft.com. now that was a nice touch. you are so getting smoted.
Beloved God,
I concede that I acted like a jackass when I committed the sin of wrath by getting pissed off after Rudy Giulianni made fun of my community service work. I’m really really repentant that I did it, and I beseech Your absolution. I place my faith in You and The King of Kings Jesus, and welcome You into my soul.
Rocky O
Precious God,
I declare that I acted like a moron when I committed the sin of lust as Sarah Palin bent over backstage at the RNC. I’m really really contrite that I did it, and I crave Your amnesty. I place my faith in You and The Christ Jesus, and receive You into my marrow.
John M
Darling God,
I admit that I acted like a ninny when I committed the sin of greed by taking the Bridge to Nowhere money even though it was a scam. I’m really really miserable because I did it, and I plead for Your pardon. I place my faith in You and The Savior Jesus, and embrace You to my breast.
Sarah P
Worthy God,
I own up that I acted like a imbecile when I committed the sin of sloth by hanging around the house in my underwear last weekend. I’m really really remorseful that I did it, and I implore You to excuse me. I place my faith in You and The Messiah Jesus and welcome You into my conscience.
Joe B
YO B! I ain’t confessing to nothing yo.
Yo’ fuck you God! you asshole.
Scarface, you are oh so shallow. At least give in to the Words of The Lord every single day and you’ll be set free and not act like the biggest jerk planet, like what you, Scarface, are doing.
For the record, I’m not speaking on behalf of anne johnson. Fuck, I don’t even know why that cunt-faced pagan bitch is still alive, unless God has killed her when I wasn’t looking.
Reaper, I believe God, in His infinite Mercy, is saving something special for Ms. Johnson. It may have already started - after all, she lives in New Jersey.
yoyo, josh,
i tried stand up at open mic nights a couple of times. of course, this is minnesota, we don’t boo people (except for brett favre and aj piersynski). i can tell you, worse than being booed is being stared at in awkward silence. there’s a lot of awkward silence in scandinavian culture. my father and i communicate in a series of grunts and subtle facial expressions. one of my heroes is lenny bruce…i was young and thought i could enlighten people while making them laugh;turns out you need to be a genius to do that. the second time i went straight for laughs about how much i hate gay people. i did louis ck’s bit about how rude it is that they’re raping my butt every time i bend over. of course, i hadn’t heard his bit yet, so…whatever. this was before he wrote that i think. it went over okay, once people realized i wasn’t delivering a hate speech. music is easier. drunk people love music. the drunker they are, the more they love you.
Mike - DAMN YOU!
Jesus - I forgive you. I will return home. But Mary and Joseph are going to have to be cast down into hell.
McCain - Forgiven.
Palin - Forgiven.
Obama - Forgiven.
Biden - Forgiven.
Scarface - I am taking away your weed you obvious stoner. Good luck getting a hookup now.
cracka, ever tried to get on ‘A Prairie Home Companion’? Keillor talks about the subdued Midwestern culture - sounds like he wasn’t exagerating!
it’s kind of like that. people are nice, but you can tell that deep down inside they hate you too.
have i ever tried to get on prairie home companion? no, yoyo, i’m not a thousand years old. pretty sure we cater to a different demographic.
Yes, but you pretend to go for the older generation, then thump Garrison on the head, take over the microphone, and start channeling Lenny Bruce.
Move to Maine - we wear our hate on the outside, where everyone can see it. Makes life easier.
I’m Barry? You owe me money? Bye.
http://fakemccoy.com/whoami.html
Anne Johnson, still alive and kicking (ass) better every day! May I remind you nasties that God can’t smite me because I’m not a member of his flock? It’s like I have a full membership in a golf course that he can’t use.
the thing about adult diapers is…….
that if we say nigger nigger nigger until nigger doesn’t mean anything anymore….
prune juice, god bless it…
and god bless lesbians…
so, i was reading a fitzgerald short the other day…
when the cops asked me what the white powder was.
i told them it was aspirin. yeah? what are the needles for?
i can’t stand the taste of the stuff.
JOHNSON!!!!!!!
YOU DAY OF RECKONING IS COMING!!!!!!!
uppity,
stand up gets easier the more you do it.
and you are right (I even have a joke about it) doing music is easier. you can do the same song over and over again, the audience can have your album, play the same effing songs over and over again and the ask you to perform them at a show. No one is asking Chris Rock to do jokes off Born Suspect, we know all about weaves already Chris.
Anne Johnson doesn’t even recognize her smite. God smited her by making her Anne Johnson of New Jersey. Fogettaboutit!
I’m Barry? Your supplier? You owe me money? Bye.
http://fakemccoy.com/whoami.html
Shut up Barry
plus, with music, women automatically love you. last show i played i was sitting at the bar with my wife. hadn’t gone on yet. this drunk (and i mean drunk) girl-about 22, thin, pretty hot actually-comes over and rubs up on me. i thought, this’ll be funny. wife’s right there. let’s see how long she can handle this. the girls like, “are you in a band?” cliche as hell. yeah, sure am, pretty sexy, huh? “that’s so cool! i love music! which one?” i point to the flyer with our name on it. she’s like, “that’s so cool! what does it mean?” it’s named after a book by a famous dead guy. “that’s so cool! i love books!” yep. dumber than shit. dumb, hot girls literally will sleep with you just because you’re in a band. it’s not a myth.
What a retard.
yeah, barry. shut up.
And people wonder why I despise humanity.
uppity,
They want to sleep with comics too. If you do well on stage though, not before you go up (unless you’re famous).
My girlfriend (now my wife) was at a show with me, I did very well. After the show this dude with two chicks invites me back to their house to party. I said I couldn’t he then said you don’t want to fuck these girls. The girls giggled. My GF did not.
Once in upstate new york this woman asked me to come back to her house and let me play with her huge breasts. Luckily for me, I drove up with another comic and he tottally wasn’t getting any from anyone in the audience and he was like let’s go.
But you are right, being in a band is a pussy magnet.
Josh, is it true there’s a pecking order? That is, lead guitar gets the pick of the harem, working down to drummer and soundcheck guy? “Ssssibulance”
For some reason I’m humming ‘Rosie’, by Jackson Brown.
I’ve never been in a band. I tried but I have no musical talent. I sold my sax to buy college books.
It’s not a magnet for discerning pussies. I still don’t want to fuck Cracka… I don’t care if he is in a band.
yo,
it usually goes:
singer
lead guitar
drummer/bass
of course, if you have an incredibly good looking drummer
that can change. they’re usually in good physical condition. drumming is cardio and muscle building at the same time.
see, nun’s old. i bet like 20 years ago she was hanging all over some G’n'R cover band. “you look just like AXL!!!”
Is it a smite to live in New Jersey? HA HA! We have the E Street Band! I would so fuck Bruce.
#469 God, very nice! You shmendrek! This is how you you treat ME?!? The mother of your Son?!? Joe and I are leaving Heaven and buying a condo in Miami. Meshuginah!!
she’s right, though. smart girls might explore whether or not your creativity comes from some interesting, dark place that’s worth their time. but, they won’t just start sucking.
You know what else is a pussy magnet? Pro sports players. This morning I would so do the entire Philadelphia Phillies team, starting with the ones who LIVE HERE IN MY NEW JERSEY TOWN!
you would probably end up stuck with that guy who played sil on the sopranos, johnson.
BVM is on one of her menstrual tangents again.
497
Anne,
I lived in Jersey. Depending on the location, it’s a pretty bad smite. The turnpike smells like Cracka’s ass poking finger. But you already knew that.
God are we all going to wait for 500?
500
you’re welcome
good things come to those who cheat!!!
mary. maybe God wants you to tell him that joseph isn’t the one. He’s the One. He is a jealous God after all, you know?
i was talking to the drummer from fear factory (i think it was him). this guy came up after the show, “dude, that was awesome! will you sleep with my GF?” he was like, “what? are you serious?” “totally!” “why would you want me to do that?” “because you are my favorite drummer, man!” weird. it’s like people think normal rules don’t apply just because you wrote a couple of songs about the end of the world. or whatever.
Axl Rose is not attractive. I don’t care what he keeps telling people.
Joe Elliott or, like Anne said, Bruce Springsteen are the kind of guys who get me wet.
sleazy old guys who’ve stuck their peckers in at least 600 women each???
yeah, i can see how that would be a turn on.
Elliott has probably fucked at least 1000 women. Springsteen… I don’t get the feeling that he’s a groupie fucker.
oh, he is…see, nun, he’s a man. he’s a man surrounded by beautiful women. 2+2=???
Bruce doesn’t put out. But Van Zandt … especially likes Jersey girls.
I can’t believe God didn’t take down my #400 post. Maybe the Blessed Mother is protecting it for me.
Josh, the turnpike smells like auto fumes. How could cracka get auto fumes in his ass?
The man says he doesn’t do anal, so why would he shag a muffler?
hmm…yeah, josh. explain that!!
Like Anne said, Bruce doesn’t put out but he sure does stroke it good. Anybody remember when he won the Oscar for Philadelphia?
Hi. I’m Barreeee? Hello? You owe me money? Byeeeee..
http://fakemccoy.com/whoami.html
the turnpike smells like shit’s buring, just drive around exits 12 and 13, there are a bunch of chemical plants. One has an actual fire buring out of a pipe. It smell rotten. His finger doesn’t smell like auto fumes but the burning carcass of a dead skunk. but you also knew that already.
burning not buring! FUCK!
God,
Please smite Barry. His inane mammering only polutes Your divine blog.
http://fakemccoy.com/whoami.html
Mary - Good! Go on and go. Nobody wants you around Heaven anymore. NOBODY!
Barry - you are banished to spam hell.
barry, that sound you hear that is nothing like laughter is people not laughing. struck out here, dude. bye.
Hey!! How come Barry gets to post links and they’re crappy, spammy links and I have to wait for approval for my links?? Haven’t I been a good follower and lover of You, God?? Why have You forsaken me, O Lord??
hahahaha!!! that’s your punishment for being a daughter of eve; that and to travail with birth pangs…or something like that.
oh boy, how does divorce court work in heaven? do you just put her sandals outside of the pearly gates?
Nun, it’s obvious. God is afraid that you will link to something that makes him look bad. Like the Westboro Baptist Church. So he has to monitor you closely. But you know it works both ways. If I were you, I’d count my sterling flatware.
again with the faeries. lay off the dope, lady!!! you’re hallucinating!!!
God had a first wife named Asherah and a son named Baal. He’s so embarrassed by his Old Testament past! Had those scribes re-write the whole thing. Baal has never forgiven him. It’s a hard knock life for an immortal who doesn’t have any offerings coming in. Last time I saw Baal, he was selling kockoff Prada handbags from a kiosk off Fifth Avenue.
Methinks cracka might’ve just read my blog.
God hates me for having a vagina. There is no emoticon that accurately portrays my intense sorrow at this most sorrowful turn of events. I’m crying on the inside and the outside.
Do You see me crying tears of sorrow, God?? Do You??? SEE ME, damn it!!
put on your strap on and try again, nun.
johnson, your blog describes a person living in a psychosomatic world of fairy-placebos and self fulfiling prophecies, cognitive dissonance in which the subject projects facts into her environment by cherry picking details out of an otherwise banal existence. it makes us feel special, but it’s not real. i hope that someday you seek therapy or read something beyond an eighth grader’s intellectual development or a medieval doctor’s intellectual honesty.
I see you Nun. I have not been reviewing your links due to your sloppy vagina - you may direct your anger at the many vagaries of wordpress for that.
I was going to make it so that this did not happen to you anymore Nun. But since you yelled at Me, I shall review all your links quite closely forthwith!
And take away your chiba.
now that mary left it seems like God is craving some female discipline. can you yell at God to let the vikings win the superbowl, nun?
Damn you, Wordpress!! Damn you to HELL!!
I hate Wordpress with the white hot intensity of a thousand and one mega-brilliant suns!! I sure am confused about the links now.
Kiss my ass, Cracka. If God is blessing the NFC with a Superbowl win then it’s my ‘Hawks that are taking that one home. It will be our second win but first trophy because the bastards in stripes refused to acknowledge us the first time. Fucking Roethlisberger.
I am NOT craving female discipline Cracker! How DARE you suggest such a thing?!
By yelling at The Almighty, Nun has earned My Ire. It is only because of her past devotion that I don’t smite her where she stands right now.
And you can be sure Cracker that your vikings and your seahawks will do nothing but lose from now until the end of your natural lives.
Your Ire turns me on, God. Is that a sin?
well. i pretty much have already accepted that the vikings will never win. maybe i’m the one craving some female discipline. sounds like a good weekend.
looks like i inadvertantly got your team smited along with mine, nun. sorry about that.
I hate you, Cracka.
Fucker.
oh well. hate is under-rated.
Cracka, darlin, have you priced therapy lately? I can’t afford to sit with some doggone (thanks, Sarah!) headshrinker who will tell me faeries don’t exist, now go home and take a pill.
Come on … no one complains that loudly unless they really want to believe in faeries but can’t swallow their pride long enough to do it.
Nun, God giveth and taketh away your chiba every other day. if I were you I’d move next door to a state park and grow my own.
I got some discipline right here for you, Cracka. Try it. You never know.
Nun, you really do love that big ole lug of a Deity, don’t you?
Last day of CE classes . . . . WHOOT!
And everyone should ask the faeries to help their pro teams. Look at the Phillies.
I love Him so much it makes my loins ache in a completely appropriate kind of way, Curtis. I just wish He wasn’t so quick to take away my chiba when I so obviously just need a little Divine Love and Affection.
that’s it. i hate the phillies now.
curtis has a dress picked out for the homo ball. keep that infected slime-spitter away from me!!!!!!!
when they give you the feedback sheet for the class just draw a big dick on it. that’ll show ‘em!
Well, Nun, now that the BVM has finally dumped the Big Daddy, He might just be looking for a new main squeeze.
I don’t think it’s very nice to constantly refer to Curtis as a faery, he’s already told us he’s not a flamer fag. But I’ll try it anyway.
Faery Curtis,
Please bless my Seahawks and let them be winners who tried their best and won. Thanks!!
I don’t want to be intimate with God, you fucking pervert. I just want Him to put His Divine Arms around me and give me a Divine Hug.
Nun, Consider it done. But like you say, I’m not really a flamer so I’m giving no guarantee. (Interestingly, my partner is a Seahawks fan.)
Fucking pervert??? You say that like it’s a bad thing.
that’s it. i hate the seahawks now.
The Seahawks are all gay, Cracka. Didn’t you know that?
cracka, regarding your post # 532, Agreement! Well said!
White Sox rock!
(shamelessly baiting cracka)
Cellos suck dick.
(shamelessly baiting Yo Yo)
…but maybe we’re being to hasty here. For example, my PC froze up this morning, I had to reboot.
Faeiries, or Windows XP?
The answer is obvious.
I would so fuck so many of those gay-boy Seahawks. Mmm… Matt Hasselbeck… yummy. Mmm… Nate Burleson… yummy. Mmm… Kelly Herndon… yummy. Somebody make me a Nun sandwich!!
I like your partner already, Curtis.
LOL! Sorry anne, I’m not a musican. I do like Yo Yo Ma, but if you handed me a cello, I’d either sell it or burn it.
post #532 sucks Smoggy sheep.
fuck the fucking arrogant prick white sox and their lunatic asshole fans and aj pierzynski!!!!!! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
They’re judgmental sometimes, Anne. They can’t really help it, they’re both old crackas.
Okay then, Yo Mama sucks dick. Definitely faeries in that computer. I sent them especially to warp it.
smoggy is sleeping in tomorrow/today, johnson. it’s saturday/friday.
Wowzer, ease up on the psychotropic drugs, anne!
I JUDGE YOU!!!!! HAHA!!! A JUDGEMENT SMITING!!!!!!
I know, Nun. And I have thick skin, except when cracka starts talking so smart that I have to put down “Captain Underpants” and go look words up in the dictionary.
Sorry, Yo. The faeries made me do it.
Just cuz my mama sucked, doesn’t mean everyone’s does.
LOL again, anne! I have to reboot it every day, and twice on Mondays. It’s the nature of the beast, no supernatural beings were harmed.
’s OK, anne.
My eyes glazed over when I read that post, Anne. I can use big words but when they come from a cracka… well, that just doesn’t compute.
yeah, it dudn’t make no kinda goddam se-ense…….shucks.
My favoriet in the sereez: “Captain Underpants and the Attack of the Talking Toilets”.
Seriously.
Those are the kind of words I can understand coming from a cracka. Thanks for playing to type, Cracka.
‘Favorite’ is too big of a word for a cracka, Yo. Even if you did properly misspell it.
If anybody sees ‘How to Lose Friends and Alienate People’ and likes it, let me know. I’m not big on paying money to go to a theater, especially for a comedy, but I love me some Simon Pegg and it looks kind of funny.
sheepshit, nun. fuck this and fuck that. white power! i hate ragheads. learn to speak american if you want to live here!!
The faeries were so ticked by #532 that they edited it:
johnson, your blog describes THE MOST WONDROUS MIRACLES of fairy-FOLK and self ENHANCING prophecies, cognitive dissonance (WTF?) in which the subject WINS THE LOTTERY by cherry picking THE RIGHT TICKET out of an otherwise BUNCH OF LOSERS. it makes us feel special, but it’s NOT FOR UNBELIEVERS. i hope that someday you seek HOT BASEBALL PLAYERS or read something beyond THE DECLINE AND FALL OF THE ROMAN EMPIRE or a medieval doctor’s CATALOGUE OF HERBAL LORE
what cracka said. (shifts chew to other cheek, spits)
whut?
Faeries. Loves them!
only if they’re properly cooked.
God,
Thank You for blessing humanity with Sarah Silverman. I don’t know about anybody else but I can watch this video over and over again and laugh and laugh and laugh and then laugh some more.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=myEVBOjagKE
or made example of by crucifying in the middle of town.
579-what is this, druid mad libs?
I don’t get the links on Wordpress!! Surely God wouldn’t lie to me and tell me that He’s not approving my links when He is. Surely Wordpress is worthy of my wrath but I’m still confused as to why all the penises get their links posted immediately but my vagina links sit in a vaginal link-limbo awaiting God knows what.
Anne,
Can you post a link and have it show up right away?
WORKS FOR ME, NUN!!!!!!
http://community.49ersfaithful.net/kickapps/_SEATTLE-SEAHAWKS-SUCK/photo/1720423/38694.html
I know your penis is so small that you sometimes forget you have it but you do, Cracka. As you can see, I already pointed out that the penis links work immediately. Dumbass.
yeah, i just like to rub it in. the linking ability, i mean, not my penis.
You rubbing it in means as much to me as your penis. You’re wasting your time.
no, nun, i’m wasting YOUR time. you forget that your vagina renders your feelings meaningless. common female misconception, though. just try to remember next time, ‘kay?
I have no feelings, idiot.
592. uh oh. smoggy better get his sleepy head out of that sheephole.
nun’s malicious feelings are confusing her as to what the word feelings means.
just killing time here.
lurking in the shadows.
don’t mind me.
i’m not up to anything.
just pretend..
600!
i’m not here.
thanks for doing the heavy lifting sucka!
you’re welcome, josh.
i guess that’s karma for ya.
Oh well, there’s always the 700 CLub.
God will post another blog before we hit 700, unless you jamokes just post a bunch of crap
pat robertson is a paradigm of human self importance.
you want to know something? ask me! God communicates with me directly!!
ps-i’m not crazy.
are trying to tell us to shut up, josh?
shut up, josh.
Talk about sheeple - how can Robertson fleece the flocks all the time, and then come back for more?
Nun, can you copy and paste cracka’s link into a post and have it show?
Why does God hate you? Or is it faereeireiesis?
Nun, I once posted a link that I didn’t even mean to post, so I guess it works for me. But I don’t know how to link very well.
Aw shucks, let’s try it:
http://www.4qf.org
It worked. Loves it! God is so gonna try to smite my ass again — AND IT AIN’T GONNA HAPPEN.
BTW, the place in the link is “clothing optional.”
Don’t see much of that on the 700 Club.
Okay, I feel really unloved and unwanted.
I post the best links. you’re welcome.
http://www.atom.com/spotlights/kung_fu_election/
nun, you will always be loved. You’re my favorite, and it’s not because of your slutty character or your mixed breed loser child.
I’m sorry, Josh. I’m sobbing here, I can’t see through my tears of sorrow. God will see my pain and totally ignore it because that’s how He rolls.
Is God calling the shots for Nun’s links, or Wordpress?
That’s what I want to know. Who the fuck is fucking with me?
It could be lucifer.
but we all know it’s God, by him either doing it directly or allowign it to happen.
Ask yourself Nun, how can you make it up to God?
God is my Savior and Lord, I’ll do anything He wants me to. Except fucking Cracka, I won’t do that.
is anyone playing king fu election!?!?!?!?!
God,
Are You moderating all the comments now?
I beg You O Lord, please let Your childeren play free.
Your Humble Servant,
Josh
It’s gotta be Wordpress. Nun does everything to get God’s love, and I do everything to get smoted … smitten? So go figure.
i guess nun will have to rub one out to God. He likes that.
Nun, try another WordPress blog and see what happens.
Poor God. I think His recent issue with moderation is because He is trying to help me. You gotta love God. He’s the best.
Cracka,
I rubbed one out to Him last night, I’ll do it again right now.
STUPID WORDPRESS!! ARRGHGHH!!!
maybe You should hand them a tasty smiting, Sir.
I hate wordpress God! I hate them so much that I will no longer capitalize for wordpress. wordpress deserves no capitalization… EVER!!
Testing…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=myEVBOjagKE
Fuck!!
Wordpress still denies me the right to post links. FUCKERS!!
perhaps your latter post should check your former post before it goes throwing around capital letters.
wordpress did that. I accidentally capitalized the ‘w’ as it started the sentence and I’m an intelligent person who understands the finer details of correct grammar and wordpress capitalized the ‘p’. FUCKERS!!
capitalizing is a waste of energy. i think it’s implied. i only capitalize for The One True God.
I now hate wordpress with the intensities of 700 billion suns!
Nobody messes with my Nun!!
Cracka is lazy so he doesn’t capitalize.
Curtis is right, Cracka. You’re simply an uneducated, ignorant and lazy ass.
Hating with such intensity feels damned good. Doesn’t it, Curtis?
I’m in a complete rage. My punctuation doesn’t allude to it, but I assure you I am. Hating is good. I think I’ll run for office.
My CE classes for the week are over so I feel like singing “School’s Out” by Pink Floyd.
You should kill the instructor, Curtis. For God. I love to go on killing sprees for God.
Yes, but how to do it? These things must be handled delicately. Disembowelment? Red hot pokers? Stretched on the wheel? Decisions. Decisions. What would please God most and WWJD?
What Would Jesus Do indeed. Jesus should make Himself available for just these kinds of inquiries.
Personally, I’ve always enjoyed disemboweling somebody and then shoving their testicles down their throat before they die. I get a real kick out of that!
What kind of nasty ass deity allows his followers to disembowel people?
… oooops …
Never mind.
And with that . . . ‘night!
Jesus would allow the instructor to do anal, then God would smite the instructor for Jesus.
‘Night, Curtis you cutie pie. Go thou and sin some more.
Sin more with the cub scouts down the road from you.
FACE!
I have a question for all you heathens that are allowed to post links that show up immediately… are you members of that evil entity that goes by the name of wordpress?
I know I am. Hence my sweet Mr. T avatar.
I pity da fool you ain’t on wordpress!
Thanks, Josh.
I wonder if I’m on to something…
Anne is a member - immediate linkage
I believe Cracka is a member - immediate linkage
You’re a member - immediate linkage.
If I’m correct, I’m going to owe God big time. He wasted His Divine Time working on this for me. It’s probably a good thing I’ve been kissing His Holy Ass all this time.
I ain’t no member and I always gets the instant linkage
where that cold stone killa smoggy batzrubble….that cat is crazy
you guys are funny. i’m working on saturday morning! FUCK!!! and i’m still drunk!!! OOOPS!! i had booze for breakfast!!! hahahahahaha!!! (i hope you don’t have surgery today)
yeah, nun, i’m not a member. why do you think i’ve stuck with this unhappy walmart face?
God, if you’re so amazingly powerful, then why don’t you know how to spell English words such as realised, agonise, etc in the correct (English) way? Why must you spell in the inferior American way?
It all seems a bit strange to me.
tom, if anyone’s inferior, it’s you pansy ass fucking pussy british faggots. fuck the queen. fuck your shitty food. fuck talking like you’ve got a stick up your ass. fuck you. i’m surprised you didn’t REALIZE that.
actually, i changed my mind…just realised i might need to move there. fuck america. fuck bush. fuck fast food and fat fucks. fuck us.
fucking northern-hemispherists– you’re collectively a suppurating mass of deluded-superiority-complexes incapable of seeing how badly you’ve rooted everything…by all means jump-ship from your countries now that they are suffocating, like morbidly obese people crushed inside their own fat…but don’t assume the little countries you’ve mocked, subverted, extorted, invaded and reviled are going to open their doors to you like whores who can’t close their legs…stay where you are and drown in your own shit and vomit–or better yet, do something meaningful to fix the problems you’ve created–you fucking, fucked fuckers!
OH…YES…YES YEEEES!!!!
Wow—that felt so good! Spontaneous hate ejaculation! I must try that more often. Was it good for you all as well?
I love you guys…sniff!
Your wee pal, Smog…
feels good, huh, smog?
if we could kick out all the weird rednecks…we would send them to new zealand.
now-
fuck off!!
America = My kind of place.
shut up, ben.
the
devil’s
number
IS MINE!
no one deserves the NUMBER OF THE BEAST more than you cracka–I’m happy for you …
PS we’ve got quite a few weird rednecks of our own, would you like them?
Confess my sins?
It must be tiring lugging around that giant ego, Mr God.
Much harder than lugging around your shriveled little half-penis Omar–you sad tranny…
yeah, shutup Omar. you fucking cross-dressing hitler-tranny. you fucking freak.
… snigger …
Omar is Hot!
for a transexual Hitler
with hairy tits and an engorged clitoris
يمكنك مشاهدة بث القناة من خلال الموقع
even hotter when she talks dirty in farsi
Hey God! I’m working on Sunday!
Na na na na boo boo!
I’m totally tempted to go for 700 by channeling my inner George Carlin.
… but I can’t remember all the dirty words.
I’m such a lady!
So I looked them up:
shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, tits
1. Yes, everyone does.
2. Yes, everyone does.
3. Yes, most people do … some with sheep.
4. Yes, I have one, in pretty good shape.
5. Yes, Mr. Johnson
6. NO, A THOUSAND TIMES NO!
7. Yes, perky.
God must be asleep at the helm.
Smoggy must be counting sheep.
So I, Anne Johnson, will entertain you! HOORAY FOR THE PHILLIES! WOOT!
And now … Stuff Anne Hates!
1. Bill Maher. What a smart ass. God should hate him too.
2. People who can speak two languages. Really pisses me off. One is all you need, especially if it’s English.
3. Sarah Palin’s voice. Couldn’t even sit through that debate.
4. Mormons, because you can’t trust people who don’t jerk off.
5. People who hate Mormons, because Mormons are such an easy target to hate. Who else gets your hungover ass out of bed on Saturday morning?
6. Mountaintop removal mining.
7. The Dallas Cowboys. And their fans, and especially their ho-bitch cheerleaders.
8. Thongs. They are just gross.
9. No Child Left Behind. A dumb idea from the dumbest-ass president of all time.
10. Performance evaluations.
11. Continuing Education (nod to my sweet friend Curtis).
12. Other peoples’ crying babies. So annoying.
13. People who think global warming is a natural fluctuation in the earth’s climatic cycle.
14. The Judeo-Christian religion.
Thank you for listening to “Things Anne Johnson Hates!” Bye.
SEE YA!
oy vey..
Dear Anne, I am sorry you have so much time on your hands that you have fallen into GOD’s trap.
HE told me in a vision to leave 700 to you so that HE could sign you into the “700 CLUB”. HE tells me that from now on you will be forever associated with the 700 CLUB’S pentecostal charismatic Christianity, right wing views, and conservative stance against homosexuality, women’s rights and issues of choice.
I believe HE will soon decree that anyone can FACE you by calling you “Annie700″ or “ClubberJohnson”.
cracka has the number of the BEAST; you have the number of PAT ROBERTSON. I know which I’d prefer.
Yours in commiseration
Your true friend
Smoggy Batzrubble
(prophet of God)
If I had Pat Robertson’s number, I’d call him and tell him to go to hell.
But I agree, it was a trap. Sneaky damn God, at it again.
ClubberJohnson!!!!
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah
I’ll club your effen Johnson, Batzrubble.
What with? Your 700CLUB?!
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
I do believe God ordered you to FACE me. Well, you’ve done it … you #6 out of #7 on the Carlin dirty word list.
Stuff Anne Hates: New Zealanders (exc. Maoris)
ummm…that’s “Maori” for the plural clubber…it’s a non-inflected language…the ’s’ is an ignorant colonial addition, and strictly speaking there should be a macron over the ‘a’, as it is a long vowel, pronounced Maaori
Anne saw one Maori
Anne saw 700 Maori
…snigger…
So, does the same hold true of Batzrubble? Is it “Anne saw 1 bloodied, maimed, sheep-besotten corpse of a human who was once named Batzrubble” …
and …
“Anne wreaked havoc on many Batzrubblies (Batzrubbli, Batzrubblum, Batzrubles, Batzinthebelfry)” … ???
I’d put money on the fact that there is, was and always will be only ever ONE Smoggy Batzrubble…however…
If we were talking of my face of you it would be ‘Batzrubble’s face of ClubberJohnson’, and if there were a number of me it would be a witty tribe of Batzrubbles.
I liked it better when you called me “goddess Annie.” Perhaps we can work something out.
I’m listening…but don’t expect a quick reply…have to go to a meeting (Monday here)
Ack. Never mind. I’ll take my lumps. I’ve never watched the 700 Club, so what do I know? Maybe I would like it.
I like most clubs just fine.
Smoggy goes to meetings? Which sheep gets to clang the gavel?
Anne,
Your 50 posts in a row in order to get 700 was pretty fucking lame. It was like you fought a retarded old lady, yeah you won, but you just showed that you get down with retards.
Josh
Anne has joined the 700CLUB
praise the lord!
Harsh, Josh. You think I wanted to be sitting around working at a computer on an afternoon when my favorite baseball team was making the playoffs and my favorite football team was fucking up (as usual) … and it was 70 degrees and sunny outside?
I was just amusing myself. And as a reward I get to be in some cool club! That’s not retarded. That’s making lemonade.
And plus, it broke one of the Ten Commandments, so I am totally cool with it.
Retarded? Smoggy was sitting around reading each comment, waiting for the moment he could pounce. A FACE well earned, if you ask me.
ummm…actually I was asleep ClubberJohnson…confident that God’s will would be done as was told unto His prophet Smoggy.
It may be time to cut back on your meds
(ps I liked your plastic dinosaur story–have you seen this dinosaur pic? http://scienceblogs.com/pharyngula/2008/10/preparing_for_the_jubileeor_tr.php)
I liked stuff anne hates. I think I will subscribe.
Almighty Lord -
If I decide to masturbate compulsively for days at a time, but you don’t want me to ask you for your forgiveness, does that mean I can just go on doing it and not feel guilty since I’m not burdening you with my problems by asking for forgiveness? I hope so, because I’m going to continue now.
Believe in Jesus,
Elly.
Watch the War is Over series on
http://www.awmi.net/tv/this_week
or download the audio teaching from http://www.awmi.net/extra/audio/1053
This will truly change your image of God and how much He loves you forever!