Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
Yesterday I spoke of My Disdain for those who lack the simple faith in Me necessary to get a boner. Today I will focus My Divine Hatred on those who employ satanic science pills to get a boner.
I HATE boner pills! They help old men get erect IN DEFIANCE OF GOD’S WILL!!
Now this should be fairly obvious to any man who has ever had sex before, but let Me explain this in simple terms as I know most of you to be astoundingly stupid.
Young men: when you are near the moment of sex, you must say a little prayer thanking Me for that moment and begging for a turgid cock. If you do not, I will humble you with a floppy, flaccid penis.
Old men: You are not allowed to have sex.
DAMN YOU VIAGRA!
Be you an old man or a faithless sinner, should you decide to bypass My Laws and use science boner pills to have sex anyway, be assured that I will smite you with only the most painful and ironic penis punishments possible.
Be you an old man, your penis will engorge as you had wished, but it shall never go limp. Your erection will last far too long and it shall become painful and you will go to the hospital to see if more science can save you. There they shall remove your penis and you will die shortly thereafter.
Be you a faithless young man, you shall use your boner pills and you shall have your heathen science sex. But you shall be cursed! For you shall never be able to have sex without your boner pills again, and over time they will cease to work, and eventually your penis will fall off from neglect and you will die shortly thereafter.
Are we all clear now? Sex is only to be had between a devout circumcised man and his devout skinny woman after they have gotten married and then only in the vagina and never in the anus and never with the help of science. It doesn’t get much simpler than that.
I consider it vitally important that I let everyone know how I feel about this erectile issue. I know some of you have asked Me recently; “Sweet Lord Above, why are you suddenly so concerned with erections, or the lack thereof?”
SILENCE YOU IMPUDENT WHELP!
I use My Holy and Divine Blog to rage on what I see fit! Often these are things I have hated for several millennia. Other times they are things I’ve hated for only a few hundred years or a few decades. One time I wrote an entire post on someone I had only begun to hate a mere 5 minutes before, a fellow named Dick Franing, who is dead now.
The Lord writes about what He wants!
In this instance, I suddenly remembered how much I hate both boner pills and impotence while watching the NFL on Sunday. Almost every commercial break included three advertisements for Viagra or Cialis. This confused Me, as I know the vast majority of impotent men to be obsessed with Major League Baseball. Anyway, these ads all showed old perverts dancing with their wives, which is also something I forbid.
Ralph on 
freebiesss on 
TheEvilOverlord on 
God on 
Craig on 
samanta on 
ShunRenHu on 
God was up late, oh I forgot he’s always up!
God is good, all the time!
Thank you Josh for your praise. I may be God Almighty, the Lord and Ruler of all Creation, but I enjoy your assurance and love.
And yes, I never sleep.
What a great post Lord God Almighty Ruler of Creation. I’m relieved I have never sullied myself popping boner pills, and I hope my friend the uppity cracka won’t get into a lot of trouble.
I wonder how you have smited the Pfizer scientists from England who discovered Sildenafil citrate and named it viagra. I hope you made their penises explode all over their laboratories. Or perhaps you took pity on them because they are English–and the whole world knows that in Damp Albion most poms have erections the consistency of limp celery.
Your servant Smoggy
Amen
Even worse then these bloody erect cock pills are the old celeb cunts who swear by them.
For example, that ancient saggy-arse pyjama-clad dinosaur known as Hugh Hefner. Personally, I can’t wait for Hef to be erased from the very Earth that God himself created.
Great God Almighty,
I pray that modest herbal helpers like ginko, yohimbe, chiba or horny goat weed are not so sciency as to be included in this prohibition. Taken with praise to You, and without stupid spokesbimbo ads in the way of Your ball games, of course.
So boner pills weren’t divinely inspired? I’m not surprised. And I would never tell God who to smite, but Hef is way way WAY overdue.
I might have a different opinion about boner pills if there was also cunt pills, but hey. The playing field is not level. So down with boner pills!
I usedto get a lot of spam about boner pills. Now, all my spam is devoted to colon cleansing and making my lawn greener.
Not that I’m complaining.
anne johnson, there ARE cvnt pills.
They’re called jello shots - getting coeds laid all over America!
Tony Snow, what happened to your gravatar? It looks like the offspring from your old gravatar having sex with Mr. Peanut.
awww!! now come on!!
So what about the natural herbs in the plants you created?
Can we chew Horny Goat Weed?
Is it ok if we’re using our faith in the natural substances You created and not the satanic scientist?
wow, thanks God! finally, somebody said it!
Neverrmind…
Guess Tony’s already asked that…
By the way, would you please smite with all of heavens fury that bastard on the enzyte comercial named BOB…
He deserves to live without his penis, yet be forced to continue smiling like a tard…
So, it was American football and not mortal porn. It most certainly wasn’t God not being able to get it up Himself because that would never happen… unless Lucifer was in charge.
God,
Compared to the other footballs, doesn’t American football suck?
And I can’t wait until you smite my ex… he’d use Cialis and never tell me.
PS… tried not to sleep like You Lord… Didn’t worrk and now I can’t spell
Dear Lord,
i have been following your rules. only vaginal sex with a naturally erect penis with my skinny wife. however, i noticed that my wife gained between 1 to 3 lbs. how much weight shall i allow her to gain before i perform a holy smiting ritual on her and claim a new woman? i know how you hate fatties.
shut up, ben.
Just thought I’d stop in and say hello. Hello!
cracka, we should be allowed multiple wives. if one started getting chubby, the others could harrass her until she developed an eating disorder, and got skinny.
On the other hand, the penalty for bigamy is having more than one mother-in-law.
Hey, Jew, don’t you be sad
Take a bad day and make it better
Remember just because they worship Christ
They can be nice, but your kind is better
Hey, Jew, don’t be afraid
don’t eat ham; beef is better
The minute you let it under your skin
You will have sinned, so try to be better.
A mother-in-law represents something for a wife to aspire to.
Is that to be sung to the tune of ‘Bad Day’ by Daniel Powter, Yo?
Dear God,
Microsoft is trying to screw me over for a video game (Gears of War), please smite the customer service person who I am on the phone with along with his family and the friends of his family. Thank you Lord
Josh
They was very moving Yo Mama. Now I won’t need fiber for breakfast.
Before one of you asks me what time it is (again) so you can make a joke about the other side of the world (again), it is 2.42 am and as usual I have been awakened by my huge natural boner, while my slim wife with full natural breasts is, as usual, fast asleep and uninterested in admitting me to her warm moistness.
So I thought I’d fuck with you guys instead!!
If she’s sleeping, what’s stopping you from fucking her? You need to learn to be a man, Smog.
Good idea Nun!
Right, I’m back to bed…happy dreams darlin’!
Hey cracka! did ye see my cool insult at Impotence 201?
(Heh…that sounds like a college course)
i saw your insult. insult generator! this whole time i thought you were creative and funny. as it turns out, you’re just a plagiarist foreigner with a funny sounding name!! that’s the last time i trust a foreigner!!!
shut up, smoggy.
Ha! I was just trying to help out Ben, who is a little insult-retarded and pissing off God with his stupidity. I don’t need no insult generator. I AM the insult generator. FEAR ME BUTTCRACKA…
you…
you…
…mean potty-mouthed bully with a silly round avatar!
Poor Ben. He thought it was us hating on him but it was really a Divine Hatred coming from God.
*sob*
You really thought I was ‘creative and funny’
*sniff*
(curtis, i think cracka loves me)
God said he doesn’t hate me, he just told me to never post here again. I’m pretty sure he was kidding though.
fuckin’ ben.
well, smelly buttwrinkle, you are clearly not…you haven’t moved beyond buttcracka yet. most people here used that one once and moved on.
where’s lucifer? he needs to clear something up for me…magic is clearly the realm of satan? as in miroslav satan of the pittsburgh penguins? i have a lot of questions about this magical hockey.
You’re not supposed to read His Divine Posts either. You’re a rebel, Ben.
anyway, in order to smite people just dose their coffee with boner pills. without knowing it, they will have violated God’s sacred boner laws and therefore have an entertaining smite coming their way. sit back and enjoy the show…
Hmmm…
…you’ve got tackle Ben! How are your insults going. Do you want to practice a few on cracka while I’m back lovin’ mah lady?
I’ll start you off…
Hey asscracka, you limp length of porcine phallus, why don’t you grab your sperm sac and … [insert insult here Ben]
nun’s daily vagina:
it yawns like a hippopotamus with it’s deafening roar and scraggly teeth. just stay away from it’s little terdball offspring that cling to its patchwork pubic hairs so it doesn’t perceive you as a threat.
You know, per The X-Files, sports matches are decided by the shadow government. Maybe we’re wasting God’s Divine Time by asking Him about our sports teams. I’d say we fight the shadow government to make our teams winners but how do you go about fighting the shadow government? Maybe Zeus has a good idea or two.
Smoggy,
What kind of ritualistic sacrifices did you take part in to make your rugby team a winner?
Sorry, Cracka. You’ve just proven yourself a liar, liar, liar. You’ve obviously never roofied me as I have no pubic hair. HAHA! Silly, Cracka.
the roofies cause a spontaneous sprouting of pubes, which i shave when i’m done to help rid the scene of trace evidence. i’m a clever date-raper.
And now you’re just trying to make it sound like you’ve actually had my sweet vajayjay when it’s obvious you haven’t. Everybody can see right through your desperate attempts to make yourself look like half a man.
smoggy you fagfucker, i don’t know you think you think you’re so good at fucking insults when all you do is use that shitty generator. now go back to sleep and jerk off next to your cunt.
silence, woman!
now, on a more serious note, you know what’s worse than both fatties and asians? fat asians!!! HATE!!!
Pfft. You’re not God. You can’t tell me to shut up. Penis-envier.
Ben, Maybe Smoggy can send you the link to the insult generator he uses, because yours is set on lame.
“fagfucker”? Really?
God can surely smite the shadow government for us if he is feeling gracious and on a particularily good day…or we could simply destroy Skull & Bones.
Can’t we pit Skull & Bones against the Freemasons? Wouldn’t that be good for a little entertainment if nothing else?
I don’t think God will smite the shadow government… I’m sure their actions are quite amusing to a deity.
homosexual sumo wrestlers with erectile dysfunction must be God’s least favorite people.
“Cheer-Babe Professionalism Watch: Mike Rhodes, a student at Seattle University, notes that for the first half Sunday, the Seattle Seagals wore their pleasingly revealing “hello sailor” summer outfits; at intermission, the Seahawks led 20-13. For the second half, the cheerleaders inexplicably changed into long pants, though the sun was still out and kickoff temperature was 67 degrees. Angered, the football gods granted a comeback victory to San Francisco.”
-TMQ, ESPN
there you have it, nun, blame the bimbos.
yes Josh, really.
Homosexual sumo wrestlers with erectile dysfunction?? BWAHAHAHAHA! I think you just found God’s next post. But you know the best part? There is very likely at least one homosexual sumo wrestler with ED in the world. being fat increases your chance of being part of the no boners club.
Hmm… I should have known. I know a couple of those Sea-Gals and they are bimbos.
are they now? so, you don’t even have to roofy those bitches?
You would, Cracka. You know that a cheerleader would never willingly touch you. They’re stupid, not desperate.
damn Cracka, Nun said you have to steal free poon!
FACE!
it was sort of a predictable face. let’s not get carried away. i’m telling you, nun, in real life women like me. but, then again, in real life i don’t date rape anyone and i’m not racist.
not that i have a problem knocking out cheerleaders.
hahaha, you still got it cracka.
If Zeus had boner pills, the whole world would be Greek.
If it weren’t for date rape cracka would never get laid. Now shut up uppity.
speaking of boners pills and rape…
http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,24266335-2,00.html
shut up?
that’s not funny.
shut up, cooper.
Holy shit, Cooper has returned from the grave!
In Cracka’s defense in real life he does not have to rape women, women do like im, he’s not a racist and he’s not even white. He’s a god damned switch blade wielding cast member from West Side Story! Damn PR and you loud van with PR flags on it!
josh, i live in minneapolis, we don’t have puerto ricans here. and cooper is still in his grave, we buried him with a laptop.
If there are no other PR’s how do you practice your Spenglish? Huh esse?
we watch movies.
mostly the crappy movies that you work on.
Cracka,
You mention “in real life” but when has this blog ever dealt in reality? Unless you’re like Cooper and need to have it explained to you that I don’t actually like midgets up my twat.
Yo Yo,
My latest look is not Mr. Penis! I am trying to achieve the serene sophistication of my idol, Ben.
wow! thanks Tony! that’s cuntacular. I am pretty sophisticated I guess.
a johnson,
There are cunt pills for you … Ben Wa !!!
Ben,
Wa !
hmm…yep…i see your point. nope, that’s a genital wart.
treacherous ethnics!!!!!!
It’s a genital wart?? I’m so sorry, Cracka. I thought it was your penis.
or maybe a rectovaginal fistula?
went spelunking with a friend this weekend. the opening to nun’s twat had a sign that read: “watch for falling stalactites”. my dear friend did not heed the warning and was buried in a pile of brittle calcium carbonate!! NUN, I DEMAND THAT THE MURKY DEPTHS OF YOUR VAGINA GIVES UP ITS DEAD!!!!!! he and his family deserve a proper burial, you whore!!!!!!!
no more breaking character for me, i promise.
Cracka,
Unfortunately, you have already proven yourself a liar. Your attempts at painting my vagina as anything less than gloriously beautiful is simply your immense jealousy that you have never sunk into my heavenly depths.
You bastard fake-cracka!
The real cracka would never say “no more breaking character for me, i promise” like a whiny little turd in a hot tub. The only promise the real cracka ever made in his life was to still respect nun in the morning.
What have you done to the real uppity cracka you fucking imposter??
Aaaarrgghh … fucking computers.
That was me — S M O G G Y — that insulted you cracka.
FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK
too bad, i would have respected “anonymous” more.
nun, are you saying that your vagina refuses to relinquish the rotting corpses caught in its swirling undertow?
I’m saying you’re a liar, Cracka. Funny, I’ve said it like three times, you’d think you would have caught on by now but I guess that’s what happens when you’re a no-penis-havin’ Puerto Rican pretending to be a cracka.
waiting for friday
asher anu and hea
go fishing with nun
I hate boner pills because they make an already large boner TOOOOOO BIG …and it does not feel good. However, I’ve never had sex with an old fuck so maybe it would just be a regular ole boner for them.
Smoggy, my staples are out. You can have them all. You might be able to use them on one of the sheep that’s been used too freely.
I did get some cunt pills. The warning said, “In case of wetness lasting more than four hours, go to the nearest bachelor party right away.”
Hey Feline Homo Frog–can you give us a pantoum next?
Hey Maegan, do you prefer oral or anal?
Hey Anne–congrats on becoming unstapled. Let’s save them for cracka–he has secret-plans to bend and spread for the unusually well endowed homo curtis.
Maegan,
Uhhh… boner pills do not make a penis bigger. They make it harder longer. Those emails lie, stop believing them.
damn lying boner purveyors!!
I’ll bet you’ve got one of those penis pumps things as well, haven’t you cracka?
Smoggy, you’re making it hard for cracka to pray away the gay.
cracka’s into spray a gay today
they’re a ripoff, smoggy! don’t believe the hype!
Here’s a limerick cracka–I’ve scaled your johnson up to celestial level so you’ll know what it’s like to be REALLY BIG:
“there once was an uppity cracka
whose boner was made of dark matter
when the boffins at CERN
made some particles burn
poor cracka’s dark matter went splatter”
pantoum is tricky
much worse than limericky
catmantoad ponders
*snort* Smoggy’s limerick *snort*
ponder, oh sir,
life’s bonanza
on a lawn green
Poetry nerds.
Perhaps…but what television show is my haiku referring to Nun? You should get this easily.
Uhhh… Bonanza?
is that what happened to my little buddy? gilligan!! nooooooooooo!!!!!
um…green acres?
the new zealand version of jeopardy??
Yeah, sorry, I know it was obvious–but getting Ponderosa, Bonanza and Lorne Green into a haiku off the cuff wasn’t a bad achievement.
Smoggy must go work…sheep lonely…
…what’s jeopardy?
a bit of a dog
stupid as a two bob watch
smoggy batzrubble
lame haiku poser
knows not of five seven five
get some sleep smoggy
as i stared into life’s abyss pondering the great question of where from we came, i suddenly realized i was staring into nun’s vagina and the answer was right before me.
aren’t all haikus lame?
Poetry always made me feel like I was missing something. I’m a writer of stories and could never get into the poetry mindset.
penis of a dog
bent as an old pin
Moan at d’ cat
A Limerick, by Anne Johnson
When Smoggy goes out to his sheep
Into their soft parts doth he creep.
He shags ‘em so hard
They leave grooves in the yard.
But at least his poor wife gets some sleep.
cracka, haikus aren’t lame. John McCain’s cast-off wife is lame. Haikus are just silly.
Catmantoad
5-7-5 is for conservatives and republicans
–break away from the tyranny of syllablism
or just fuck off
the poetry is starting to detract from Nun’s vagina, anne’s staples, cracka’s need for curtis, and God’s divine smitings
uppity gina
fight the shadow government
midgets up your twat
…nice limerick though Anne–the sheep will be flattered.
You know who else is lame? Heather Mills. HAHAHA!! Man, that cunt has got to be the cuntiest cunt of them all.
i like that dylan thomas feller.
he guys said to smoggy go run
pick out a sheep and have fun
they laughed when he quit it
not just cuz he did it
he went for the uglliest one
dylan thomas? Welsh faggot. And how can you be a cracka and like that kind of stuff? What about Hank Williams Jr.?
honestly I think your name should be uppity liberal elitist if you’re gonna read poetry by Welsh fags.
Nun and I know the truth. The only good kind of poet is one who is also cute and can sing.
BOOYEAH!! What Anne said.
For once I agree with cracka–DT could write, even when he had DTs.
(nice limerick frog homo)
fuck off, johnson. i can’t constantly stay in character. fucking dumb druid bitch.
The best poets are antisocial substance abusers who fuck everything in sight and die early.
All you boys are nerds. I am an X-Files and Star Wars geek but at least I’m no poetry nerd.
Smoggy,
You must be thinking of Mr Mojo Risin?
Ummm… I was actually thinking of Baudelaire Tony, and NZ’s own James K. Baxter. But Mojo is buried in Paris, so the French connection holds up.
poetry is not nerdy
as long as you couple it with music nerdiness
and substance abuse.
bukowski wrote some good poetry, too. so piss off, nun!
man uppity you are GAAAAAYYYYEEEEEEEEE.
now I see you’re character was an uptight racist raging hetero dude, and in real life you are the opposite. It’s ok Gay McQueerStein, someone still loves you, not me but maybe Curtis.
Fuck off, fag.
Not Josh. I don’t call Josh a faggot. I just make fun of him for his lack of masturbatory skills. That “fuck off, fag” is for the closet fag who refuses to acknowledge his massive gayness.
hey, don’t blame me if you picked a difficult alter ego. You should have eased into uppity cracka by living in a trailer park and fucking your cousin between rounds of bingo.
Oops… sorry, Josh. I make fun of Ben for his lack of masturbatory skills. I can’t tell any of you males apart.
The only kind of poetry worth reading is on the bathroom stalls in the corner bar. Otherwise it’s all faggy.
When You’re Strange is playing on the radio right now. I’ll bet Jim is trying to contact me to tell me how nerdy you guys are.
ahh, what a bunch of funny fucks.
You’re going to give people the impression that you can dish it out but can’t take it. Maybe you are a cracka after all.
except for you, ben. shut up.
i’m going to give people an impression of my dick on their uteran walls…bam!!
are you Emerald now?
okay cracka honey, give it to me hard and hot. Just don’t write a poem about it.
(anne johnson = failed professional writer, but not bitter at all, no sir)
I’ve written a lot of poetry on bathroom walls…but sadly I have no uterine wall…so no dick impressions for Smoggy.
…oh wait, I may have a “uteran” wall. What is that? Some sort of American stucco?
You can come fuck my stucco if you want cracka.
I think Cracka is confused… you see, he’s never actually been near a uterine wall so how can he be expected to spell it.
raise your hand if you actually read this or the last post. they’re too long to read.
i didn’t anyway. God says i’m not allowed.
Actually, he may be being subtly literary again by referring to the Wall in Shakespeare’s ‘A Midsummer Night’s dream’ that those comic mechanicals make sexual innuendo about. What a comedown for a cracka…
… not that I know anything about Shakespeare … only what Papa Batzrubble told me… he was a poet.
… and a psycho sex killer..
I always read God’s posts Ben — and then I inscribe them on stone tablets in my sheep pen. The Lord’s word is perfect and eternal.
I had apparently signed up as someone else.
Fucking dickhead!
C’mon God. As my Lord Savior, You really should know to have post a picture of Bob Dole…
shutup, christian.
I’ve been reading…and I like catmantoad, cause I’m pretty sure God hates him like he does me. He’s a cat a man and a toad that does poems. pretty sure god hates all those things. that’s right i didn’t capitalize that time!
i also enjoy those haikus….very creative stuff catmantoad. keep up the poetic blasphemy!
catmantoad draws fans
frail vanes in geisha colors
God’s anger crushing
And here’s a limerick for Catmantoad’s No. 1 fan Ben:
In a hole at the bottom of God’s blog sits Benny,
That sad little square-head whose sins are so many,
With defiance he’s posting,
To his doom he is ghosting,
But he’ll be back next week–just like Kenny.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GohKFq4RqgU
jesus used to be
so merciful and loving
now he’s just a brand
Here’s a limerick:
There once was a faggot named Smoggy,
Whose knowledge of wordplay was foggy,
His limericks were shat,
And poorly timed at that,
Now he sticks to fucking his doggie.
Hey dad,
Long time since I’ve stopped by here. I see you are venting on more penis-related voodoo, and that’s good. I agree with you there.
I just wanted to say, I’m sorry dad. I’m sorry I showed mom how to post on your (our?) blog. I swear it was an accident. And I had no idea she would post on how she hates you. It’s a shame wordpress doesn’t let you delete posts after making them.
Anyway….I just wish you and mom would start talking again. Come home. Please? We miss you.
PS - I won’t talk like a jigger anymore, ok? I promise!
“His limericks were shat”
[sigh]
Pots and kettles Benny…where’s cracka?
Dear Jesus,
Please bless Mama Batzrubble in heaven, and Papa Batzrubble in hell, and all my friends and loved ones. Thank you for dying for my sins, and…
… ah crap Jesus, y’ really didn’t have to…not on my account? Don’t you feel a little bit silly letting them nail you up like that? Why did you pick such wankers as disciples?
Halt!
I shall not stand here to be maligned, profane Australasian.
All us disciples did our best for the Christ. Ask Judas! Do you think the poor fool had a choice? It was a DIVINE PLAN! We cannot be held to account for the Messiah’s death wish.
You are a slanderous oaf Batzrubble! Do not expect admittance from me through the gates of Pearl to the throne of God. I’ll leave you in outer darkness. No! Worse than that. I will cast you down to the pit, where even now foul fiends torment your murderous Father Batzrubble.
As for you Jesus (alright, alright…”Master”) what about taking a turn at the gate for a while? It is five hundred years since I was permitted to relieve myself.
Here’s a limerick:
The story of Smoggy Batzrubble,
Is one of much sorrow and trouble,
He fucked his life up good,
Like a dumb Kiwi would,
And now he sucks fat-bitch cunt-stubble
shut up, benny.
if it drops pies like a cow
has utters like a cow
and moos like a cow
it’s probably nun’s vagina!
and it’s uteran walls, like walls on the planet utera. i will crush them with my mighty boner.
Did anybody read Jesus’ post? Did God leave Heaven because He felt His therapeutic Divine Blog had been violated. That makes me feel bad for God and for Jesus… look how sad Jesus is.
Jesus, You should post more.
yeah, jesus. posting will make you feel better. plus, we can help you out of the closet. curtis, our resident gaylord, will give you a little “shove”.
Jesus is sad. He doesn’t need you badgering Him about His sexual preferences.
right. i’ll stick to badgering you about your sexual deviance.
You can stick to harrassing me about something that you’ll never have. It seems to be all you have anymore.
oHHHHHH!!!
thanks guys…even I need some comfort sometimes….having the whole world on your back can wear you out, you know?
Jesus,
Isn’t John Lennon in Your general vicinity? I’ll bet He’d cheer You up.
Ummm… I don’t mean that in a gay way. I mean that in a ‘let’s sing a happy song’ kind of way.
are you ripping on my daily vaginas?!!! at least they’re more creative than ‘you have a small penis.’ hell, even ben can think of that.
jesus, what you need is to hug your dad. tell him you love him. go to a ball game. go fishing. rebuild an engine together. fix the economy for us. that should provide you with a lot of bonding time.
wait a minute, isn’t singing a happy song kind of gay?
I just think you’re running the gag into the ground because you got a compliment. You’re doing the same thing whoever-it-was that had a different variation of being a servant everytime they wrote a post. Sorry… I think it’s Ben but I’m not sure.
Anybody else a little worried about the state of the United States? Anybody else looking at their money in the bank and wondering if it needs to be removed? Anybody else looking at another country and thinking ‘hmmm, you might be a nice place to live’?
I hope Der Dude wasn’t a resident of SW Louisiana or SE Texas.
fuck off, nun. you bitches think your vaginas make you so special that people actually care about your opinions. but, we don’t. so……….fuck off.
let’s see here.
economy-fucked
health care-fucked
military-fucked
energy-fucked
environment-fucked
everything-fucked
maybe we should give the republicans four more years to fix the mess they made. i mean, it’s their mess. they should be the ones to clean it up.
ps-you’re just mad that God threw a nun’s vagina reference into one of his posts. you see any tiny cracka penis jokes in there? NO!!
(but, i bet you will now)
Crap yes! my stocks, Lehman specifically, bought at $25 up to $30, no worth $0.15. My credit cards all trying to pull sneaky interest rate creeping, my retirement accounts and mutual funds all tanking. Yea RePUBIClans! Yea Bush! Way lookout for the middle class, way to look out for the small business owners. Don’t anybody say the Dems are in charge of the Congress and it’s there fault. Because of Liebernuts they are not. Check it out. That numb nuts former Sen. Phil Gramm said it’s “in our heads?!” I’d like to slam my lifeless stock portfolio into his head! He is called “Foreclusure Phil” for a reason, for 8 years he pushed for weakened oversight of the financial industry that greased the wheel for the sub-prime meltdown. Now he is McBush’s campaign advisor.
http://www.motherjones.com/news/feature/2008/07/foreclosure-phil.html
Cracka said: “ps-you’re just mad that God threw a nun’s vagina reference into one of his posts.”
Jealous much? I’m honored that God talks about my privates. If you had something to talk about, He might talk about yours as well.
We be fucked, Zeus. I think we be seriously fucked. When economists are specifying that the FDIC insures only so much of an individual’s money and then go on to say that we have 50 billion dollars to insure 3 trillion dollars.. well, the math just doesn’t add up.
Man, I’m a fucking collector. What the hell am I supposed to do with all my X-Files and Star Wars related memorabilia if I end up homeless? What am I supposed to do with my zoo?? FUCK!!!
Nun,
For shame you can not remember me.
It was I who did the God’s Servant Thing.
Here’s how you know it wasn’t Ben: it was actually funny at one point.
God’s Angry Servant,
Josh
Sorry, Josh. Let this be a lesson to all you penises out there. Vaginas cannot tell penises apart. Maybe this will make Ben feel better though… how can I hate him if I don’t even know who he is?
Nun….I don’t know where you get your information but John Lennon is definitely NOT in Heaven. I love the guy, but God said no. I begged and pleaded but he still said it was a no-go.
He said people who didn’t believe in Heaven couldn’t spend eternity in Heaven. But then he doesn’t think twice about letting Carlin in.
God can be pretty selfish alltimes.
Nun,
I don’t blame you, I blame your chiba.
Ben/Benny/Neb is a good person, he’s just a bit slow.
Hi Nun,
No, I don’t live in either of those places. I haven’t been mouthing off for 2 reasons:
1. I’m so fucking depressed that this country is considering electing McBush and that empty headed bimbo.
2. Don’t have anything to say.
Y’all have a good existence!
der dude
how about mccain and the savings and loan scandal? then he goes on to be a champion of campaign finance reform. take your weakness, make it your strength. take the other guys strength, make it his weakness. how can the polls show a tie?! ridiculous.
jesus, you need to get john lennon out of hell. now you have a purpose.
ah, the dude returns.
Carlin - Yes. Lennon - No. I’ve got to admit, Jesus, Your Father works in very mysterious ways. He’s a Divine Enigma.
Josh,
Between you and I, I like all you boys that post under a name… I just can’t tell you apart. And don’t tell Cracka, he’ll get jealous.
Thanks for blaming the chiba… it’s a good call.
Dude,
Glad to know you’re still here in spirit, at least. The country is in shambles and I think we’re dangerously close to being majorly, majorly fucked. I want to move to Ireland but I wonder if I’m just disillusioned.
from what i here they don’t make it easy to move into the EU anymore. you need the work permit to stay there for a long period of time and they don’t give those out. something like that. i forgot how it goes, but the point is: student visa or work visa…hard to get.
crap-*hear, not here.
I wondered about that, Cracka. I know Gillian Anderson is in the UK as a highly skilled migrant. I’m highly skilled but I think I’d have to go to Amsterdam for that. I’m Irish though… does anybody know how Ireland feels about having it’s people back?
Maybe God’s blog isn’t the best place to be pondering this since most of us seem to be based in the States. How about New Zealand, Smoggy… how do they feel about interlopers?
cracka you have to look at the polls that show the tie and when they were taken. Many of which (like CNN) use polls taken during or right after the RNC as part of their calculations.
We’ll see that the future holds now that Obama has gone on the offensive. I think it’s a good look, however he will have to balance it or else he might be seen as an “angry black man” instead of a qualified candidate who is outraged at what the last 8 years have done to this country, both in economic power and world respect
I pity the fool McCain!
Here is another way, if you can prove your grandmother was born in Italy (I think the same may be true for France) then you can apply for citizenship and therefore have acces to work in any EU country.
Nun,
I’ve said before, that all of you (except Bridgette) are welcome to come to CR and hang out.
Maybe “hang out” is the wrong phrase, how about “communing with nature.”
by “nature” do you mean “giant garbage bags of marijuana”?
Zeus,
Are you sure about citizenship? I thought that was just for competing in the olympics.
Dude,
Trust me, I’d actually do that.
Zeus,
Thanks for the info… unfortunately, due to loose members of my family, proving anything is almost impossible. I just know that my paternal grandparents were Irish. I believe my grandfather was born there but not sure about my grandmother.
Cracka,
I have thought about that very thing, however, the image of being locked up in a central american prison scares the hell out of me.
Has anybody ever seen a Spanish film called ‘REC’?
HAHA! nun’s a fag!
when i first met nun
my heart went pitter patter
now it hurts to pee
I told you to wear a condom, Cat.
Here is a usefule link for Italian citizenship: http://www.myitaliancitizenship.com/index.jsp?f=citizenship.htm&gclid=CMrZ-pKm45UCFQukHgodIROYfA
What’s all this talk about a bad economy?!? Bush say’s it fine, so it’s got to be, right?
But… I don’t want to be Italian… their women are very hairy.
Also if you have Polish grandparents who never renounced tehir citizenship you may be eligible to receive Polish citizenship. In all of these instances it is best to contact the nearest Consulate or the embassy in DC. For a listin of embassies: http://www.embassy.org/embassies/. I found the Italian embassy not very cooperative. It may be best to work with a reputable immigration attorney to assist.
Nun, sorry Italian woman are extremely hot and not hairy. I have dated a few. Besides they swallow.
Okay one last website. This is extremely helpful for all EU member and non member countries: http://livingingreece.gr/2008/03/18/how-to-acquire-eu-citizenship-through-ancestry-or-naturalization/
I agree with Evangelist Curtis! Our economy is STRONG! ack ack ack
John,
If you can raise you arms above your sholders then in fact our economy is strong.
Stop whining you whiners!
You should still be with the rest of POWs, John. How very unpatriotic of you to leave them all behind, you pompous asshole.
Zeus,
I concur that Italian women can be hot but they can also be very hairy. I don’t want a moustache. It’s not just the Italians that swallow though.
Zeus, I can’t raise my arms above my head because I was tortured by the vietcong you commie. That doesn’t change the fact that our economy is fine!
I didn’t leave them behind, I carried them all on my back outta there and you are a bad American and not at all a patriot if you don’t vote for me.
John,
Go rub a cross in the dirt and tell mini-John to climb out of your cheek. “When I was a POW I didn’t have a dining room table to sit at.” Whaa, wait to use getting captured for political gain. So, when you got out I suppose you wanted as many dining room tables as possible so you married Cindy.
I don’t want to be a bad American. I change my mind I’m voting for you now. Baaahhhh.
Nun, I’m no expert on this, but I think if you can prove your grandfather was Irish you can get dual citizenship. Unlike that prowler Zeus, I don’t have any links for you.
If you’re Irish you don’t have to swallow. And you get pretty red hair and freckles.
John,
Please explain why you left your first wife.
John, please let your f-ugly facelifted 2nd wife know that I have plenty of pain meds left over from my operation. She can buy them from me.
Seriously, I need the cash.
Because she couldn’t walk anymore. Combined with my hurt arms, it made sex impossible. Also, she was poor. I upgraded to a multimillionaire sexpot.
No Cindy gets her pain meds from her non-profit and the last link I posted has info for Irish citizenship.
Anne,
I had wondered about dual citizenship. Unfortunately, I’m blonde Irish, or not so unfortunately… depending on how one views red hair. I did get the propensity to sunburn though.
Zeus, you are such a swan! Now leave me alone. I have to show John McCain how fundamentally sound our economy is by working twice as hard for half the money I used to make.
John,
You’re a dickhead, sir.
that means she wants to suck on your head.
Yuck!! I’m not sucking his old geezer weiner. Besides, he probably needs Viagra and that would make God angry with me.
Nun,
Dual citizenship can be very useful. Look at Mike Chertoff.
John,
For the first time you’re honest about why you left you cripple (read: cursed by God) wife. I admire you for this, not enough to vote for you and your shitty policies or that stupid bitch you’re running with.
You know, I think they try to keep that a secret.
Yeah Nun,
but thank God the foreign press can do what they want (and are a little more objective)
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1024927/The-wife-John-McCain-callously-left-behind.html
Foreign press is the only way to go, Josh. Journalist integrity in America no longer exists. I was actually replying to noyes/Tony but it’s amazing how my response fits so well with either topic, isn’t it? Fucking Republicans. Looking at Palin’s experience is sexism but going after Hillary Clinton for her personal life was just good politics. Do Republicans think we’re all stupid or are they just too stupid to realize that we’re not stupid?
I do not now, nor have I ever used Viagra. That would be something my opponent needs.
is your wife still hot when you peel off the human mask?
You bet your white ass she is. Thank you for your question liberal white. I look forward to stealing your vote in November.
John,
Your opponent is a black man. Rest assured that he not only does not need Viagra, he also doesn’t need a penis extension.
You can all come and live in New Zealand. We’d be glad to have you.
Your economy sure is (searches for a kind word) … utterly fucked
Smoggy … awake and feeling mellow
(mellow is not one of my sheep)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FGIfQkav-kg&feature=related
too bad our economy is your economy, eh, smoggy?
too bad we’re running the world…into the sun.
new zealand.
might not be so bad.
Marry me, Smoggy so I can come to your country.
Can I come too?
curtis is coming for the sheep sphincters.
not all american journalism is bad:
http://www.newsweek.com/id/159260/page/1
Curtis,
You go everywhere with me. I need you to make me look presentable to my new husband and all his cute friends.
Keep track of those names, Cracka… they’ll be disappeared shortly.
well, smoggy, after reviewing the history of your country, i must say it is rather boring. where’s all the genocide? revolution? racism? more violence, please.
the all blacks, huh? i could get into that. the only thing i’d miss about america would be the sports. and the fat people (for killing purposes). what’s the best city to live in?
The Kiwi’s fucked up the Mowri (natives) pretty bad. Isn’t that right Smoggy?
Shit!! Are Goldman Sachs and Morgan Stanley next??
It’s true Zoose–out colonial history isn’t much better than most of the rest of the world. That said–there was never any genocide, and there was a Treaty of sorts which still has legal power, and for the last two decades our government has been settling treaty claims with the Maori to the tune of hundreds of millions of dollars. As well, our new political system (mixed member proportional) means that the Maori Party is a powerful force in our parliament and could well hold the balance of power at our next election.
You-re right though cracka–when the US economy sneezes we all catch a cold. Out little old stockmarket has gone down a few percent, we’ve had a few finance collapses lately, and it will be a tight next couple of yeats. Our housing market is due for a downward correction of as much as 20%–so if you immigrate this would be the time to buy.
Nun, I’ll gladly marry you and curtis, you can join the flock … uh … better clear it with Lady Batzrubble. Back to ya…
let’s just have a big ol’ weird sex commune. i get the sheep!!
Cracker that magazine is clearly part of the vast left-wing conspiracy!
ACK ACK ACK
Can I come too, Smoggy? I’ll stay on Northern Hemisphere time so that you can shag me when your wife’s sleeping.
That’s all us vaginas are good for anyway… shagging.
Can’t speak for Nun, but I also do a damned good laundry.
how does your vagina clean clothes?
i don’t think the time zones are subject to which hemisphere you’re in, johnson. you’d think a sun worshipping druid would know that. girls are dumb.
Hell…everyone can come…just jump in that lifeboat quickly before good old USA Titanic sinks out from under ya.
(ummm… when I say everyone, I don’t mean republican voters, creationists, IDiots, Fox news employees, lobbyists, investment bankers, MSM liars, End timers, crazy fundy speaking-in-tongues dipshits and the like. They can all go down with the ship they helped sink).
good! Go and leave! Nobody wants you people here anyway!
Uhh.. Nun does NOT do laundry. Nun is relatively low maintenance. Nun likes God’s sweet, sweet chiba, video games, The X-Files and sex. Keep me well stocked and you’ll have a happy Nun who does not do housework. I do have a small menagerie of animals that will go wherever Nun goes.
That’s right McCain, cast them out, just like you cast out your first wife you fascist fuck!
Yeah, McCain. You FAG-FUCKER!!
Somebody used that previously… umm… I think it was Ben. Am I right??
He called me a fagfucker at #42–I have not forgotten. God will pay him out.
haha! nun ripped off ben.
so, we’re going to start a chiba smoking video game playing commune of malcontents who’ve lost the will to live productive lives and just want to get laid and watch x-files reruns?
You’ll fit in well in New Zealand
Who, Smoggy? Me or Cracka?
I could live quite happily with no civilization, a generator and my X-Files DVDs.
This should make you happy, Cracka and maybe you already know but Jackson has been benched.
damn, i am a dumb druid. I’ve gotten tripped up on this hemisphere shit before. Once I even mistook “equinox” for “solstice.” Fortunately the druid gods are so eager for worshippers that they’re very tolerant.
it would make me happy, but it only means i have to sit through the insufferable mindfuck of watching gus frerotte try to run a team.
here’s how bad the vikings receivers are: we could swap receivers with the seahawks and it might be an upgrade. if only adrian peterson could play every position.
Nun, I so want to be you! Except for fucking Zeus. That I will not do. He came here all dressed up like Beckham, but he smelled like Hef. I summoned the hounds.
i don’t know johnson. being nun means you have to douche every hour on the hour or you’ll smell worse than hef. worse!
Actually I meant all of you would be welcome here
–foul mouthed, compulsively humping, irreligious substance abusers, too apathetic to turn off the computer to take a a shit, will fit right in.
Hef smells like John McCain. Formaldehyde dominates.
Nun said, “I could live quite happily with no civilization”
Move here to Maine.
The only rule is don’t scare children or the horses in the street.
Smoggy, I’m not irreligious. And who turns off the computer when they take a shit? What, do you sit on the crapper all day?
Smoggy said, “too apathetic to turn off the computer to take a shit”
Thank God for my laptop and wireless in the bathrooms!
why don’t you upgrade to cars. you can’t scare cars.
Yeah, Smoggy, get off the pot.
cars? A heathen invention. We’re going to sit back and wait for all the pretroleum to be used up.
Then everyone except us will be slaving for their Amish overlords.
pretroleum…errr..petroleum.
HAHA! yoyo FACED himself!!!!!!
Dang. dang, dang, dang.
287
287?
289!
on behalf of jew i am banning comment # 290
Zeus always smells, Anne. He’s like McConaughey and eschews deodorant. Just light some incense and pretend you’re back in the 2nd century when everybody smelled like butt.
Did I say irreligious? Who would say such a thing on God’s blog.
On a serious note, many Americans come to NZ and flee screaming. You might need a crash course in our … ahem … culture. Here’s our version of Jon Stewart. It’s Jeremy Wells, on his show “eating media lunch”, picking the ‘50 sexiest new zealanders’. Of course it’s all bogus–there are no sheep in the list:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xZUxg5utRtU
No sheep on the list, but that sheep rotator must be really REALLY popular, eh Smoggy?
Very popular Anne–it’s mostly bought by polygamists. You can load the wives in and rotate them to a position desired. Multiple-fucking at the push of a button
I don’t mind when men smell like butt. But a god ought to be better than that. Great druid incense is expensive, and I’m not wasting it on a quicky with history’s horniest deity.
FOUR…
THREE…
TWO…
ONE…
get a life, Smoggy.
SMOGGY CLAIMS THREE HUNDRED FOR NEW ZEALAND
Fuck Anne…how could you do that to me! I’ve been planning this for days.
Now I’m going to get faced and everything
Anne,
Zeus is not a deity. Shhh… don’t let him know that I know.
I totally missed 69… the best number in the whole world.
FACE!
Ouch
–dibs on 400
The face is for Smoggy. And I hit 69 a few posts back. It was a good day. Now I’m seeing snakes, so it’s time to lie down. Secure in the knowledge that I FUCKED SMOGGY OUT OF #300!
And a right royal fucking it was too. You’re lethal without your staples Goddess Annie.
Wow! I’m like really turned on watching this exchange between Smoggy and Anne.
Would you like a turn in my sheep rotator Nun?
That’s a silly question, Smoggy. Of course I would!
I have a video of some woman riding a fucking machine. She kneels on it and it has a dildo that comes up and is inserted into whichever orifice is desired and then you turn the thing on and it rolls her around the driveway while the dildo moves in and out… fascinating.
the driveway?
does it look like a good time, at least?
Not really… it looks kind of uncomfortable. It looks funny, that’s something, I guess.
Isn’t that what they call the Sybian, Nun? I’ve seen some good vids of women riding the sybian.
fucking boner pills!
No, it is not a Sybian but thank you for educating me about something that, I’m ashamed to say, I had no knowledge of.
The machine I’m talking about looks like homemade. The woman kneels in a doggy position and rides around on some kind of sex-cart contraption. The Sybian looks like it might be some fun.
Wow Nun! I can’t believe you haven’t come across the sybian.
Maybe you’ll come across it soon… heh, heh,
I know, Smoggy. I can’t believe I didn’t know about it either.
lol….that 300th post steal was absolutely classic. I know face has already been said, but I think that one is worth another.
DOUBLE FACE!
:x
FUCK!
:x
Have to say, Benny, it was pretty good… that Annie has timing … not often I rage and laugh at the same time.
And where have you been square-head? Not to one of those golden shower clubs again I hope!
Hahahahahahahahahaha
FACE
Ben
hahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahaha
DOUBLE-FUCKWIT!
smogs…did you just….give yourself a high-five face for your insult of me??
because dude man….i know you’re from New Zilly but come on man…NOT COOL. When you face someone you can’t declare it a facing yourself. That is uber-lame.
Well you may not have done that this time but I know you’ve done that before.
“Think of it like the Holocaust….NEVER…AGAIN!!”
Now go fuck a sheep.
Pearly Gates. Fuck the Pearly Gates. They’re not even real pearl. They should be called the Mother of Pearly Gates.
God, can someone relieve me at the gates? I need to piss. Jesus isn’t doing his share. He’s off with all the other disciples nude swimming.
jesus hates you peter. you denied him thrice, remember?
No, the face was for your failed double face Ben, honest. You need to read the posts in this order: 319, 321, 322, 320
now shut up
Aw fuck it
I give up
I’m leaving
Ben wins
i refuse to allow ben to win so i’m staying until he concedes defeat…at whatever it is we’re playing.
ummm… we were playing fit the dildo up the back passage.
I’m an anal virgin, which is why I left.
Ben was up to twenty… and counting.
Oh, Cracka… something you can actually win at!! Right on, Cracka!
ben and cracka have handfuls of dildos up their back passages
awwww…..double-dildo face
so, you’re saying i’m shy about packing my ass with handfuls of dildos? jesus, nun.
shut up, benny.
Excuse me God, some American is at the gates wanting to know if he can come in. Says his name is Norman Whitfield and he wrote a song about hearing through grapevines.
He seems strange. What do you want me to do with him?
And you can tell Jesus I’ve pissed my pants. Why doesn’t Andrew come and have a turn at the gates for a few hundred years?
if i had a vote i’d say turn him away. you just mentioned that cursed song and now it’s stuck in my head.
Even better God, why don’t you make that hunchbacked fuckwit Saint Paul come and take over the gates permanently. You know nobody likes that pushy little know-it-all.
I know he’ll say he can’t work full time because he keeps having epileptic fits, but that never stopped him when he was preaching to the early Christians all that bullshit about the Gifts of the Spirit.
Why didn’t anyone realize that all that Charismatic shit only ever happened to him after one of his seizures?
God, while I do think Smoggy is a doche, what is your take on people that start speaking in tongues. Are the really talking to you, having some sort of fit, or just attention whores?
On this day, 21 September 2008, I, Smoggy Batzrubble of Noo Zillund, son of Mama Batzrubble (deceased in childbirth) and Papa Batzrubble (serial killer–executed), post this message in praise of Almighty God, the Omniscient, the Omnipotent, and the Fiercest SMITING Bastard in the universe, who has granted me a great victory in my contest with the Pagan Priestess Anne (spitting staples) Johnson.
For evidence to support my faith I refer you to “God on the Internet” postings 600 and 609.
Praise be to God. This message is posted on every thread in HIS honor.
Signed
Servant Smoggy
AMEN
Very nice site!
I don’t object to boner pills for old men. The problem is that they don’t make them for old women! Or women at all. Why make men want it all the more, when they already want it more than women anyway? Duh.