Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
I was going to write about something else today, when in the process I was interrupted about seventeen times by this bothersome pest of a program called ‘Norton AntiVirus.’ Suffice to say, I, The LORD your GOD, found something I hate even more right now than kids with down syndrome.
I HATE Norton AntiVirus! It is the most maddening computer program I have ever faced. It threatens and bothers you, it interrupts and sticks its pesky little nose into everything you do on your computer. So what’s the problem you ask? Why not just smite the program? Well you impertinent little whelp, it’s not that easy.
It pains Me to admit this, but after several thousand attempts over the course of the last decade, even I, The Almighty LORD, in all My Bountiful Omniscience and Omnipotence, have been unable to uninstall Norton AntiVirus from Mine Own Holy Hard Drive…because deleting Norton is, in fact, fucking impossible.
It seems those minions of Satanus over at Microshaft fused this demon Norton into the old magic of all their Winblows software packages long ago. BASTARDS!
A musical porn.
Now, if you use a Macintosh computer, as Jesus does, it’s likely you may have never heard of Norton. But if you’re old school like Me and use a PC, then Norton is the bane of your existence.
For some, Norton is attempting to scare you into purchasing yet another ‘critical’ update of their ‘product’ even as you read My Divine Words right now. For others, Norton is admonishing you once again for trying to turn it off. And yet for even more others, Norton is judging you right now for trying to download music, porn, or musical porn for free.
What’s worse, this Norton character grows in power and influence everyday. I tried to locate him on Earth, but learned that this antivirus program was not named after a person at all. I can only assume Norton is some rival deity in league with Satanus to hack into My Computer and take over Heaven.
DAMN YOU NORTON! DAMN YOU!!
Ralph on 
freebiesss on 
TheEvilOverlord on 
God on 
Craig on 
samanta on 
ShunRenHu on 
Have you tried AVG? It’s a million times better than that Norton piece of shit.
iambetterthanyou’s avatar? I AM THE FUCKING GRIM REAPER!!!!!!!
Yeah, sure that’s great. I still can’t fucking delete that piece of shit Norton. DAMN HIM!
Go to http://www.symantec.com/autotools/ and download fix #1, the Norton Removal Tool for Windows XP/Vista/2k. Run it. Reboot. Norton is gone in less than 10 minutes.
I guess this means I know more than God. Spiffy.
Your computer shall be mine! Mine, I tell You!
And not even Jesus is safe, because using a Macintosh computer is so completely gay that if you even touch one, your soul is immediately downloaded into the gayest of gay hell, where there’s nothing but reruns of “The Little Mermaid” for all eternity.
Norton is the AntiChrist.
‘Sir Nova Or Nun Tit’ is an anagram of ‘Norton Anti Virus’. Read into this what you will.
Proof of God’s existence: A denial of Darwinism.
http://comics.com/comics/chickweed/archive/chickweed-20080907.html
Gotta love ‘Chickweed’.
Bleys,
You think you know more than God? Wow, get ready for a smite!
Nun,
Another anogram is ‘Innovators run it’, perhaps Lucy is baiting God to smite Norton!
LOL thank you God! I also hate Norton and have this exact problem.
shutup, Bleys.
God, I fear you will have to reformat Your entire Holy Hard Drive in order to rid yourself of this plague. Alternatively, you could smite each and every one of the computers Norton has infected.
Nobody uses Norton any more: it’s heavy and expensive. You can download free anti virus and firewalls that are quite good.
Now if you’d believe in evolution, you would have stopped struggling against Norton a long time ago.
the most maddening computer program is windows vista.
i love jesus even more with his preference for mac.
god, what’s his number so i can reach him on his iphone?
Oh, you all think you’re smarter than GOD?! You all have this problem figured out. LIARS! I KNOW FOR A FACT IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO REMOVE! EVER!
Shit. I may have to consider junking My PC and moving over to a gay-ass douchey-hipster Mac.
God, try Linux. Linux would have taken over from Windows years ago, if the developers/users got their heads out of their command line prompt.
I want a second career in prostitution. I’ll call myself Microsoft and promise everything, but in the end I’ll only go down, suck, and make you wonder if you got a virus.
How could it be impossible for you to remove, God? I thought you were omnipotent!
It was better when Norton wrote anthologies, but no one reads anymore.
Yo Yo, LOL on #16! You got that right!
Unreasonably Angry Triangle, now you’ve done it…hope you have Smiting Insurance!
What use hath God for a Virus Checker? Seest thou a Virus, thou needst only Smite the Virus, and it shall be no more!
Spare a thought for poor old Peter Norton, whose name is forever associated with a company that didn’t suck when he had his hands on the tiller. Still, I suppose the millions he got from Symantec are some consolation - and he gives load of it to the Arts, so some good is coming of it.
No, I don’t care if God Hates the Arts! It keeps a load of pretentious sociopaths off the streets, so it has to be good for something. If you see someone doing something that makes no logical sense whatsoever, you can score instant credibility by calling it Art.
Anne, my wife still has her ‘Norton Anthology of Poetry’, from college. I enjoy reading it, to this day.
brian t, if I create software that makes no sense, I call it Release 1.0.
God,
Nothing makes me sicker than watching “soon-to-be-having-premarital-sex” older sisters wipe slobber all over their palms and then dry their hands on their retarded downy little brother’s head. Don’t let Norton distract your hatred.
-SM
RAmen!
Be glad You don’t have Vista, God. I don’t know how but I managed to remove Norton… but I still have some fucking Gateway ad that pops up whenever I’m really getting into the internet porn. Damn you, Gateway!!
Karin,
Don’t use free anti-viruses… it’s just a really, really bad idea.
God,
I love your desktop…
“People to Smite”
“More People to Smite”
“Faith Fighter”
“The LORD’s Glorious Smiting Music”
What does the Lord rock out with his cock out for smiting?
Cooper - you will find out soon enough.
God,
I think Cooper has a good question although referring to Your Divine Penis may not have been a good idea. I picture You smiting to really hard rock music or classical. Am I close? Please don’t tell me You smite to Barry Manilow music because that would really bum me out.
You are close Nun. I enjoy hard classical. Very soon I My Heavenly Host shall complete My Website and you will be able to listen to God Radio.
I like to kill fatties to soundtracks, God. Hans Zimmer and John Williams give me much inspiration when I’m on a fatty hunt. People make fun of me for it until they realize how skilled I am with a hunting knife… then they usually shut up right quick.
I can’t wait for Your Divine Site, God.
Oh yeah, thanks for smiting Tom Brady, God.
Nun, I also adore the music of Hans Zimmer and in fact he may very well be My favorite human composer currently alive.
And you are welcome for the Brady injury! Pride cometh before a torn anterior cruciate ligament.
I have a Norton Anthology of Literature!
God, have you tried F-Secure?
Dear Lord God, there are plenty of options out there such as what The Grim Reaper said. AVG is pretty good. Also, you can do online virus (Satanus’ evil little agents.) checking by going to TrendMicro.com.
Also, with much humility for I am but a grain of sand–albeit a traveling grain of sand–on the beach of your creation, I would suggest you could go by the way of Jesus and purchase a Mac also.
You would. Fag.
Traveling Filipina - AKA Dean - again, that is fine. I have other programs. I still. cannot. delete. Norton. And neither can any of you. Any claim otherwise is a vain lie.
Man, is everyone on vacation today?
Does this work?
http://www.pchell.com/virus/uninstallnorton.shtml
Cracka might be a little worn out from his argument with Smoggy. Man, that was some good reading though.
God,
Have You installed another A/V program? I had Norton pre-installed on my Vista PC but when I installed TrendMicro, I had no issues uninstalling Norton. Granted, it probably still sits on my PC as Norton is the bane of mortal and Divine existence but it doesn’t harrass me with it’s stupid warnings anymore.
God, thank you for the Divine revelation! At last I understand computers.
Windows-based PCs are like the Old Testament: angry, irrational and based on an ancient and out-dated code.
And Macs are like the New Testament: a new law from a loving Savior who promises eternal joy and bliss (is Jesus secretly Steve Jobs?)
(From Umberto Eco’s piece on Mac and DOS, Catholic and Protestant)
“The fact is that the world is divided between users of the Macintosh computer and users of MS-DOS compatible computers. I am firmly of the opinion that the Macintosh is Catholic and that DOS is Protestant. Indeed, the Macintosh is counterreformist and has been influenced by the “ratio studiorum” of the Jesuits. It is cheerful, friendly, conciliatory, it tells the faithful how they must proceed step by step to reach - if not the Kingdom of Heaven - the moment in which their document is printed. It is catechistic: the essence of revelation is dealt with via simple formulae and sumptuous icons. Everyone has a right to salvation.
DOS is Protestant, or even Calvinistic. It allows free interpretation of scripture, demands difficult personal decisions, imposes a subtle hermeneutics upon the user, and takes for granted the idea that not all can reach salvation. To make the system work you need to interpret the program yourself: a long way from the baroque community of revelers, the user is closed within the loneliness of his own inner torment.
You may object that, with the passage to Windows, the DOS universe has come to resemble more closely the counterreformist tolerance of the Macintosh. It’s true: Windows represents an Anglican-style schism, big ceremonies in the cathedral, but there is always the possibility of a return to DOS to change things in accordance with bizarre decisions…..
And machine code, which lies beneath both systems (or environments, if you prefer)? Ah, that is to do with the Old Testament, and is Talmudic and cabalistic.”
BLASPHEMY!!
…and let the Holy Wars begin. ;o
No–I don’t buy this. Macs are clean and crisp—like the Protestant Work Ethic. Mac users believe in one God (Jesus aka Steve Jobs) and one mediator between God and Man (OSX). There’s no worshiping graven images and fake relics. And certainly no cracker eating.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wnHcSujDMh4
Witness God’s Awesome Smiting Power!!
Randy Moss even got smited into fumbling. Two smites for the price of one. You don’t fuck with God, y’all!!
No Christ Crispies??
CrookedHalo - GET BACK DEMON!
God,
Please approve my link so all us mortals can bask in Your Smiting Brilliance. Thanks!!
Of course Macs are Catholic - they’re the ones who invented the icon!
But what does Umberto Eco know - he’s Italian.
I hope I have offended everybody.
God, I am a heavenly angel with a PC!
Maybe Macs are Buddhist and Windows/DOS is for the Abrahamic faiths.
I’d like to be Italian. You don’t have to know anything if you’ve got style. Picture it: ‘Smoggy of Milan’
Hmmmm…Yo Yo of Milan doesn’t have the same…panache.
Dang.
You just need to alter your name a little.
“Yo Mama of Milan” sounds very Italian.
Smoggy, where does that leave Linux users? Or, going back into history, Amiga, or Microsoft Bob?
Smoggy, ‘Yo Mama of Milan’ sounds like someone who’d appear on Maury or Jerry Springer.
Heh, maybe I could get in a fight with the transexual drug user who’s dating my underage cousin.
Trash TV at its finest!
Linux = communists
Amiga = Quakers (Society of Friends)
Microsoft Bob = Bill Gates’s left haemorrhoid
Nun - I accidentally smote your link. Repost and I will bless.
CrookedHalo - Ah yes, I seem to remember you now. Angel #57465…Barry is it? Yes well. Don’t post links with hell in the title. That’s bad form. AND STRAIGHTEN UP THAT HALO! You look like a slob.
God, it’s all Albert’s fault. He forgot to bring my Philly.
Anyone remember OS/2 Warp?
God,
You did bless my link at #44. I hate Norton for stressing You out, God.
Nu, do you hate them with the force of a 1K suns?
I hate them with the white hot intensity of a million suns.
That’s a lot of hate. Ironically, with the white hot intensity of a million suns is how much I love God.
That’s intense Nun. Your hates and loves cancel each other out–leaving you in a state of perfect bliss.
Damn straight, Smoggy!! It’s all because of God’s Grace.
.
.
And His sweet, sweet chiba.
The way to deal with Norton on your PC is to pretend it isn’t there. Just like pretending that sex won’t make you pregnant, so long as your family is church-going.
I’d never buy a Mac because you can’t trust Scottish people atttt alllll. Have you ever eaten with one?
I don’t mean at a good Italian restaurant. I mean something the Scot has cooked. God, please smite Scotland.
Ha ha! I kept commenting until I got to #69! That takes care of today’s stupid juvenile prank.
Anne,
Scotsmen wear skirts with no shame and no underwear. They should not be smited but cherished.
69 is the best number EVER!!
Dear Lord God, I don’t know who Dean is but have you tried http://www.pcdecrapifier.com/? I run that puppy on all the new machines I encounter and it works like a charm.
God has already smited the Scots by attaching England to their bottoms.
I’ve been personally blessed by the Woz!
No free iPod, iTouch, or iPhone though.
anne - are you out of the hospital? did God let you live? or are you dead and posting from hell?
Yeah, welcome back Goddess Annie. Congrats getting a 69 on your first time posting.
i feel sorry for scotland now….
poor scotland…..
………..ll
………..ll
………..ll
………..ll
==ENGLAND==
………..ll
………..ll
………..ll
………..ll
………..ll
………..ll
………..ll
………..ll
………..ll
die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don’t they like eating haggis in Scotland? I hate haggis.
what the hell is haggis? it sound gay
A Haggis is made from the lung, liver, and heart of the sheep, mixed with oatmeal and spices, stuffed into the sheep’s stomach and boiled.
True Scots believe the haggis becomes via transubstantiation the body of Scotland’s greatest poet–Robbie Burns. No doubt you’ll remember the first verse of Burns’s famous poem address to a haggis:
Fair fa’ your honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain o’ the puddin-race!
Aboon them a’ ye tak your place,
Painch, tripe, or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy of a grace
As lang’s my arm.
PS Some of the above post is untrue–but not the bit about transubstantiation
Here’s the haggis and the poem. Both explain why the Scots invented whisky.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D0GpCU3RIxI
I am returning to this blog with my other email. By the way I am giving Norton divine inspiration.
Finally I have gotten rid of my stupid smiley face.
I hate haggis!! Stop sending me haggis, god! GABRIEL, START THE INVASION NOW!!
Gah! Norton AntiVirus is like the crazy glue of cyber-space! Norton is just SO DAMN NEEDY/CLINGY! It basically prevents/chastises you for using your PC to do anything fun!!!
On top of that, it never seems to be able to actually do anything to save my computer from viruses!!!
Those bastards.
If you feel like you need to cling to PC baloney but hate dealing with viruses, do the following:
Get a newish Mac (one with an Intel brain), partition the hard drive, and then use VMware Fusion to run PC junk in one the partitions. You can have any version of Windows (or multiple versions) or linux, or even MSDos all in the same box, and switch back and forth between systems on the fly.
The trick is to never (never, never ever) let the PC side connect to the internet, and don’t install any antivirus software.
I use Virtual PC but I hate it. Is VMware Fusion better?
I ditched my PC years ago after a trojan horse virus got in and resisted every attempt to remove it. I’ve never regretted the switch–deluded die-hard PC users can go play with themselves. They’ll have had plenty of practice.
Smoggy,
Never tried Virtual PC, but I hear it’s similar to Fusion in many ways. There’s a recent beta Fusion that’s free, but it’s still buggy so you have to be patient.
PC bozos,
The beauty of Mac is that the anti-virus/spam/popup/whatever is part of the Apple operating system; and it is free. This means no dealing with third-party vendors and protection that can expire. Don’t know if it’s true, but I have heard that Norton and other “protection” schemes are like a mafia shakedown … if you don’t pay up, they actually attack you for spite!
Techy geeks.
Nun, I know. BOOOOORRRIINNNG! Let’s get back to the juicy preggers teenager.
But barring that, let me throw you a bone Nun:
GIGANTIC SOLAR-POWERED BOXED COCK.
….
PENIS! HUMONGOUS FAT DICK ALL FOR YOU TO SIT ON!!
Shut the fuck up, Kemper! Who are you to insinuate Nun is a cock-crazed slut? She’s our cock-crazed slut. You can’t just arrive here out of nowhere and diss her. I’ll have you ass-raped for all eternity by giant-cocked disease-ridden demons.
… by giant-cocked disease-ridden demons singing “I Did It My Way”.
i thought nun was a guy….
Ahhh, the Scots. The Irish invented the bagpipe as a joke, and the Scots never got it.
random guy, Nun claims to be a woman, but in reality is a retired drill salesman named Bob.
a salesman who sells crotch slop to men with hairy warts on their stink fingers.
Yes, I am a member to the Church of SubGenius. The Church of the SubGenius is known for a standing offer that stems from the ordainment fee: “Eternal Salvation or TRIPLE Your Money Back!”
cracka, bleah, that sounds like one of the losers that Weasel showcases on his What Women hate blog.
i’m just waiting to tell someone to shut up.
nun-your team sucks. my team sucks.
cracka, where were you yesterday? I really missed you. so anyway, what are your thoughts on norton antivirus? don’t you love seeing what God’s desktop looks like? hehe.
Hey!! Damn you, Cracka! Damn YOU!!
My team does not suck. We just don’t have any experienced receivers. FUCK!! They still don’t suck but this is really bad. Your team doesn’t suck either, they just need to calm down and focus. The Raiders suck.
How many people here really think I’m a big fat guy named Bob?
I don’t.
Ben, shut the fuck up!
Nun said, “We just don’t have any experienced receivers”
You gonna apply?
“How many people here really think I’m a big fat guy named Bob?”
Ok, Ralph, or George.
hey, you know whose team doesn’t suck? mine. The Jets look great with Favre. on Sunday I watched him throw a 60 yard TD pass and in then right after that, they showed Brady getting hurt and out for the year. it was the best fucking day i’ve ever experienced as a jets fan. THANKS GOD!!
NO!! This isn’t funny, Yo. This is tragedy. When God was smiting ACLs on Sunday He smited Nate Burleson too. WHY, GOD?? WHY????
Seriously, if we can’t get some of these young guys to catch the fucking ball when it’s thrown at them then we are seriously fucked. Morris is down for a couple of games but that’s all good, if we can establish a running game then we’ve got depth in the back-field.
Cracka has Tavaris Jackson and that kid looks solid.
Shut the fuck up, Ben.
You know my true heart, Lucifer.
whatever, cry me a river Nun! Cry me a fucking river. Do you have any idea how many fucking years i’ve had to watch not only mediocrity, but fucking been the laughingstock, the cursed ones? everybody hates the jets, everybody!! at least the seahawks won the NFC a couple years back.
Uhh… check out the history of the Seahawks and then try to come at me with that again. If anybody knows how you feel it’s a long-time Seahawks fan.
You people are arguing about a silly game played by steroid-enhanced Neanerthals??
I don’t think anybody is arguing. Ben is whining and I’m perfect, as always. Seems like a normal day here on God’s Divine Blog.
That’s why us sinners use McCaffee
But, it’s a game! I get irritated at all the foolish sports talk radio stations spring up like mushrooms, twits arguing their opinions and spouting obscure facts that no sane person cares about.
A game is something you play, not something you overpay to get in and then buy warm, overpriced beer to watch. Feh.
I’ll pay anything to get into a ‘Hawks game. I won’t drink the beer though.
And you talk about sane people like they exist.
Nun, you’re right. The seaschmucks have suffered a lot too. i felt a little guilty writing otherwise. come on, your team may suck this year, and they do, but now you can root for my team.
“And you talk about sane people like they exist.”
Four out of five voices in my head tell me I am sane.
Nun,
I think you’re a fat woman named Bob.
Ben,
Believe me, I would like to see the Jets do well this year. I’d like to see Mangini succeed. What’s more, I’d like to see the Jets take the AFC East. On that note, stop calling my boys ‘Seaschmucks’.
Yo,
Four out of five voices in my head tell me to “KILL, KILL, KILL”. The fifth voice tells me to “FUCK, FUCK, FUCK”.
Nun,
I thought you were in SF? Why not the 49ers or at least the Raiders?
I’m so fat, Josh that people have to roll me in flour to find the wet spot.
i think that comment requires a second comma after the word “josh.”
Zeus,
Crystal is in SF, not I… which you would have known if you weren’t so fucked up on all those evenings you manifested for me. The 49ers are a division rival so I hate them. The Raiders are a former division rival and suck ass so I’m not too fond of them either.
Jew, why does your name link to a page that attempts to direct me to a page that includes the title Jay is a homo?
Well, crap Nun! Do you think anyone can manifest as a Tim Curry Sex Doll without having first polished off a jigger of wine…and McConuaghy was no walk in the park either. After I left I was always wet. I thought that was just your love juices when it was just all that Seattle rain.
because jay is a homo
Nun,
I wouldn’t say you’re that fat, I mean your typos are few and few between. I real fatty has trouble hitting just one key unless it’s the spacebar.
lol
very incredibly unpleasant jew is so much funnier than the unpleasant jew
my team is better than all of your teams so shut up
and ben, shut the fuck up
Hey Random Guy,
Who the fuck do you think you are? Clearly you think you’re Uppity Cracka, he’s the one who tells Ben to shut up.
EVERYONE tells ben to shut up
Josh said: “I wouldn’t say you’re that fat, I mean your typos are few and few between. I real fatty has trouble hitting just one key unless it’s the spacebar.”
Are you maybe on the chubby side, Josh?
i think he thinks hes fattractive
everyone who’s been here from the first time Uppity blessed us with a “shut up cooper” and then a “shut up ben” followed by a “shut up neb” and finally back to “shut up ben”. those people know (and are annoyed by) ben well enough to tell him to shut up.
but you wouldn’t know anything about that would you? you goddamned smurf. I hope gargamel catches you and bakes you into a pie.
Nun,
I may be half retarded but I am NOT fat! My spelling errors come from from stupidity, but I can do 100 crunches anytime.
yeah hes a fat one nun
When I was living in the dorms in college, the guys next door were fŭt-bäl plaerz. My roomie and I used to leave rude notes on their door, questioning why they got paid 20 hours a week for work-study when they didn’t have jobs. They’d grunt and roar, but never found out who did it.
Josh, I can EAT 100 Nestle Crunches at one time.
yo, where did the college thing come from?
and i bet josh can probably eat about 63928 at a time
…
and then say hes hungry
Sorry, random guy, I think your randomness affected me.
Josh, their not called crunches when you are just rolling forward and backward.
“they’re.” Damn gaint (not fat) fingers.
I just got a can of Clean-Safe (I thought it was compressed air), so I can clean out some of the PCs here at work. The label says it contains embitterents, to prevent huffing. WTF do they put in a can of air?
damn it!! “giant.” crap!
Yo Yo, why don’t you inhale it to find out?
Random, I would not want to be against Josh in an eating contest.
Zeus, I just took a wiff, I find myself unaffecGin!@#nerBell Bllezzer%*nam whaHoo zE+EEm
neither would the world’s 2nd fattest man……
Making football players grunt and roar is a damned good time.
Poor Josh, he’s a roly-poly who can scarf down 100 crunch bars in no time at all. No wonder you didn’t kick Chappelle’s ass… you couldn’t catch him!! HAHAHA… oh man, I kill myself.
éý¥±³²¹¾¿
that was a response to comment 150
I can vouch for Zeus’ fingers… they are most definitely not fat. At least not when they’re Gary Sandy, Johnny Depp or Tim Curry latex fingers.
yeah yeah, I’m a fatty, oh and I’m gay. Anything else you want to add to the list?
hey Zeus can you get yo an ambulance?
josh,
hows retarded?
Josh, do you live at home? In your Mom’s basement?
random guy, I’m better, sort of. I just got mouth to mouth from one of the guys on the loading dock.
Anyone got a breath mint?
i got a can of air freshener
Compressed Air or Dust Off contains R2 a propellant which also acts like a refrigerant which is why the can gets cold when used. It is a heavy gas. Heavier than air. When you inhale it, it fills your lungs and keeps the good air, with oxygen, out. That’s why you feel dizzy, buzzed. It decreases the oxygen to your brain, to your heart. It can with withone use damage the brain. With repeated use lead to death.
can you dumb that down for me?
too many big words
Yo Yo, we all know your breathe was rank before Jim from the loading dock frech kissed you. You should try visiting the dentist rather than Dust[ing] Off your rot mouth.
random guy said “i got a can of air freshener”
LOL!
Can ‘o’ air bad. Kill u. Simple enuff?
actually Josh, The Unpleasant Jew was the one who first said ’shut up, Cooper.’ Look it up.
However, uppity cracka took the ball and ran with it, thus popularizing it for widespread use.
Zeus, how’d you know it was Jim???
And I’ve been to the dentist three times this month.
The estimate is almost complete.
yeah, i’ve been as long as you josh.
*i’ve been here
SHIT!
telling ben to shut up is a delicate art form. it’s all about timing. it really is.
for instance:
shut up, ben.
now, that didn’t work, did it?
try this:
shut up, ben.
see? much better.
fuck that. uppity cracka gets NO credit for making shut up what it is today. shut up is all me. FACE is all me. this place wouldn’t be shit if it wasn’t for my influence.
josh is a faggot. that’s the new catch phrase. spread it.
and ben is right, the jew dropped the original “shut up, cooper” i kept it going and took the mantle upon myself as the jew had to concentrate on coming up with other classics like FACE! and “josh is gay”
whats the difference?
josh is a faggot! lol
my last comment was a response to comment 172
how can you not see the difference random guy? gah! stupid noob
yo yo,
my mom doesn’t have a basement, and she lives in another state. I actually live with Bridgette, she reads bible verses to in an attepmt to pray away the gay.
http://www.eveningservice.com/TakeMyHand
ben,
please don’t tell me that you just noticed…..
Speaking of huffing, I left Whipped Cream in a Can in the refrigerator last month. I tried to use it today - no propellant. The can is still full of product. We’re all adults here. Who’s doing whippets??
again my last comment was a response to comment 176
josh,
my mom told me not to talk to faggots….. sorry….
random,
you should write for the daily show, you’re so fucking hilarious! seriously, send them your resume and a link to this thread!!! you’ll be rich, and by rich i mean you’ll still be sucking dick in the back of your local safeway in exchange for menthal cigarettes
Josh
Josh, I hope Bridgette is rich, or sucks like a Hoover.
menthal cigarettes. Filtered or unfiltered?
Josh’s penis looks funny, on top of being fat, retarded and gay. Poor Josh, the best thing he’s got going for him is that he’s a fag.
Leave it to a cracka to take credit for somebody else’s great idea. Fucking whiteys.
josh,
no matter how much you beg, i can’t talk to you.
lol…good one nun!
Et tu Nun?
Perhaps that’s why your chiba was taken and your team sucks more dick than random guy (which is a name he got from his glory hole days)
hey random guy, you forgot to call him a faggot. wtf
I LOVE BASH JOSH DAY! (takes the heat off me a little)
yo,
don’t chop your breakfast on a mirror, its not good for you
ben is happy people are jumping on me instead of him.
shut up Neb.
Since this is remind everyone what you’ve started day, I’m happy with just starting the Bridgette is fat thing.
Q: what do you call a bundle of sticks?
A: josh
josh your a faggot (happy now ben?)
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=josh=
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bored
hey random,
as dumb as i am I even know it’s not “your a faggot”
go to school, and remember you can’t get smarter by sucking a teachers dick
BEN’S STUFF GOD HATES COMMENTER TOTEM POLE:
1. God
2. The Very Incredibly Unpleasant Jew
3. Uppity Cracka
4. Nun Ur Damned Business
5. Bridgette
6. Lucifer
7. Smoggy Batzrubble
8. Random Guy
9. Yo Yo Ma Ma
10. Zeus
11. Your Friend Crystal
12. Dean
13. Iambetterthanyou
14. Anne johnson
15. Ben
16. Cooper
17. Josh
Both of you, netral corners, NOW!
Damnn…I’m in a sandwich with random guy and zeus.
Someone, get me my can of compressed air, stat!
yay! i’m #8!
yo,
why not weed or propane?
being number 8 on a list of Ben’s in like being number nothing
Josh,
Demeaning you is how I show you my love. I’m a conundrum.
hey don’t hate on it josh…it’s MY list, and it’s based on who I think is most liked and has the most power/influence. geez, i put myself at #15! fag.
I think Josh might be feeling unloved. Cooper should be ranked lower than Josh.
Then Jesus took the bread and the wine and asked his Father to bless it. He broke the bread into pieces, giving it to his disciples and said, “This is my body, given for you. Do this in remembrance of me.”
And then he took the cup of wine, sharing it with his disciples and said, “This cup that is poured out for you is the new covenant in my blood.”
And then he told all of them, “We ate, we drunk. Now, where are the hookers?”
Word of the Lord.
Christ Crispies!!
Whoever originally came up with that is a genius.
nun,
……
josh,
faggot!
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Ben, you’re an idiot. I’m more loved and more powerful than God.
lucifer,
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Sorry, Random but I don’t speak dot.
its morse code
psh, no way Satanus. no way in hell.
Random,
You’re so very slightly less annoying than the all-caps holy spirit ass-wipe.
is that good or bad?
I don’t think Random is very bright… he thinks you can communicate with morse code on the internet.
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It isn’t good for the rest of us, Random.
nun,
then how do you communicate?
oh……… yeah……..
Mayor Dung, thats an anagram for Random Guy
It depends on what I’m trying to accomplish, Random. If I’m talking to dimwits on the internet then I use my keyboard and type very slowly. If I’m conversing with people that I see in my everyday, hellish existence then I use my mouth to speak words. If I’m communicating with a guy that I want something from… I still use my mouth but the words are unnecessary.
Amen.
josh this is a gay name, much better suited for you. faggot
Nun,
I just picture this coming up in the background as you “talk” to a guy you need somethign from.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xQtzOOz6Y6c
hmm. looks like I’m gonna have to revise my list to drop random guy a long way down the list. i liked what you were doing rook, but then you started with all this dot bullshit.
Mr. Dung,
Josh is accutally a name handed out in God’s divine word shit lips.
Josh,
First, that’s a great song. Nun loves her some Depeche Mode.
Second, you must be very quiet. A lot of guys aren’t all that silent.
hmmm….josh you’re in love with nun. and you’ve never even seen her. wow, what a creep.
as i said josh, mayor dung is much better suited for you
ben,
its what you call a pervert
Ben,
When did I say I love Nun? you’re creeping me out trying to play match maker. Are you trying to get us to bump uglies while you tape it then sell that tape to Random guy so he can jerk off while looking at my ass and holding a thumb over Nun’s face so he can pretend it’s him actually licking my balls? Ben you’re a goddamned weirdo for that plan!!!
Cut me in for 10%.
ben,
your right, he loves nun
randam says so I will make the tape so he can jerk off to it
random, who doesn’t?
Anyone know how to check a chicken for hemorrhoids? I’m just wondering…
i never claimed to be the original shut up artist. it just became tradition for me to tell ben to shut up.
violator’s a great album. i’m comfortable enough in my masculinity to listen to depeche mode.
Ummm… doesn’t Josh know Dave Chappelle? If Josh wants to love Nun(and maybe introduce her to Dave Chappelle) then Nun is a-okay with that and might even love her some Josh as well… just as long as love means sex.
to check a chicken for hemorrhoids:
1- get chicken
2- shove finger up chicken’s ass
3- if the chicken says, “hey get your finger off my hemorrhoids”, congratulations, your chicken has hemorrhoids.
Thanks, cracka, I knew someone here would know!
Nun, i thought Josh drove Dave Chapelle out of the USA?
It is still possible to retain one’s masculinity while listening to Depeche Mode. It’s when one starts listening to Erasure that they feel the testosterone leak from their testicles.
thank you for that cracka
Nun,
I don’t know him, I’ve met him, I have a few friends who wrote for his show. Hopefully he doesn’t even remember me.
Yo,
He did but Chappelle smoked a blunt, forgot why he fled and came on back. He’s doing his stand-up again.
Josh,
You suck. You know people who know Jon Stewart but you can’t even promise that you’ll get me into The Daily Show. You know people who know Dave Chappelle and can even attempt to kick his ass but you can’t introduce me to him. Maybe I’ll just take my God-blessed chiba and see if I can get his attention myself. Is Chappelle an ass man or a breast man?
hey….. wheres God?
Nun,
Chappelle’s wife is Asian so he can’t be a breast man.
isn’t that the question of our lives random? the question of this age? where the fuck is God
But what if you’re just trying to discover a little something to make you sweeter?
no i mean why hasn’t he posted a comment in the last few days.
i could care less about where he is/lives
God is taking it in the ass from Norton
be-e-e-e-e-en. don’t make me face you.
has anyone referred to nun’s profusely leaking vagina as a myopic, infested sewer hole today?
no? well, then allow me.
or maybe norton has pissed god off so God threw His Holy Desktop Computer out His Holy Window
God is on the Help Line to Norton, and cannot be here. So far He has controlled His Righteous Anger, and only smote three Call Center workers.
He’s also omnipotent, so there’s a lot of multitasking going on what with the hurricanes, wars, famines, start of football season, etc.
dude, if God came to where i work we would all be smoted so fast…we suck.
case in point: why am i on here all the time? because we suck.
aha! so you, tony snow-divine press secretary, admit that God, Ruler of Universe, does, in fact, fix football games. because, i fucking knew it.
sucking is just God’s way of telling you you suck
but why can’t god just use His Divine Powers to make a new Holy Computer without norton antivirus instead of smiting call center people?
cracka, your work sucks, too?
yo,
i found a few cans of compressed air if you want them
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random,
if God really wanted to get rid of His Norton he would just go back in time and kill everyone who helped make it much like they tried to do in Terminator. But if God solved all His problems then He would have nothing to complain about and He’d be bored.
random guy (huff) there’s enough (huff) for everyone (snort)…never mind.
yes, yoyo, my work sucks.
yo,
oh… ok…. now wheres my brother…….
air brush propellant, yoyo. that’s what you need.
random, me too! Luckily, I don’t have to deal with the clients.
Just the clinicians.
Do you know the difference between the clients and the clinicians? The clinicians have keys.
I mean, cracka, me too!
air brush propellant? Sounds like you know a little about the subject, cracka…
“neither i nor my attorney subscribe to the notion, often espoused by former drug abusers, that you can get higher with drugs than with them.”
-hunter s thompson
crap.
*without drugs than with them.
i pulled a josh. does that mean i’m gay?
shut up, cracka.
cracka,
i believe it does
No Cracka. It means you took too many of the drugs that you’re pretending you don’t take.
cracka, don’t pull anything of Josh’s. It’s illegal in the South.
Where, God? Where are You now?
that may be the first time anyone has told me to shut up.
i will respond with violence. well, gay violence now that i’m a raging queer.
leaving words out makes you gay? then Bush is one flaming homo.
speaking of butt pirates, where is Curtis?
i haven’t taken the drugs for quite some time. but, sometimes i miss them. like when i’m awake.
God,
Please bless Gillian Anderson.
curtis is on a mission to hunt down bridgette and send her floating off on a transcontinental drift. could take a while.
i hope God’s version of blessing gillian anderson is by letting me sleep with her.
Curtis is still at Xcel Energy Center in Saint Paul, Minnesota. The men’s restrooms near the back entrance. Second stall.
Uppity,
we have something in common; the dream of banging Gilliam Anderson.
there is no back entrance, it’s connected to roy williams arena. stupid devil.
i have that dream at least once every two weeks. my sweet, precious scully.
If Curtis is there, there’s always a back entrance, Uppity. That goes without saying.
Your dream, her nightmare.
Lucifer, does Curtis suffer from a ‘wide stance’?
Or does he enjoy every minute of it?
Poor Scully. Poor abused, mistreated fictional character.
Is Curtis a top or a bottom? That would answer some of these questions.
Curtis is always the top guy when it comes to reciting the names of all Tony Award winners in alphabetical order.
i don’t know, nun. i’m pretty hot. back when i was abusing drugs i was kind of a slut, too. those were good times. or were they horrible times? fuck. i don’t remember.
They were good times, Cracka. They always are.
In regards to Gillian Anderson, let her give birth before you start trying to knock her up again. You whore.
That’s because he’s a fagala, Lucifer.
these are good times.
Gov. Palin beleives we are in End Times. God is that true? Please please smite Gov. Palin for being a hypocritical nut that abuses Your Divine Word and spends like a drunken sailor. http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080909/ap_on_el_pr/palin_travel_expenses
Stupid, fucking, vagina-cunt.
Zeus - No. I will neither confirm nor deny that these are in fact ‘the end times.’
I would love to tell you what is coming, but then I don’t want to spoil the surprise.
I think that’s repititous, but yes, she is a dumb fucking double cunt. I can’t wait to wathc her ABC “interview” with the questions that the rePUBIClicans wrote for the interview. ABC is a double cunt too.
she was also part of a church that believed Alaska would be the sole surving state, and at one point she backed Alaska Independence Party and her hubby was a memmber, they people who were trying to get Alaska to secede from the US.
The idea that Hillary Clinton supporters are saying that they endorse Palin is a bunch of bullshit.
Stupid, fucking, whore, bitch, vagina-cunt.
i’d totally do her, though.
ummm Nun,
there was a 20 point shift is white women, from a Obama 12% lead to an 8% McCain lead. it looks like white women are lovin’ some Palin. doesn’t really say much for women though, it seems to them that voting for any woman will do. doesn’t say much for that damn 19th amendment
I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU! WOMEN ARE STUPID CONNIVING CUNTS!!
Cracka,
That’s because you’re a whore.
Josh,
Yes, I’ve seen that and it makes me sad. I hope it’s media-spin but like God says… women are dumb, evil, conniving cunts. Stupid fucking vaginas.
yeah,they are. they really fucking are. i’d do most of them, though.
not me. if McCain wins this election because white women are such dumb fucking cunts…i’m not moving to canada. i’m moving to dick.
uhm….or maybe I should say I’ll just stop fucking white women and only go after the black ones….
Black women will kick your ass, Kemper. Even black men are afraid of them.
The election is already stolen so the point is really moot. I’d like to move to Der Dude’s commune in Costa Rica or Ireland. I’m not sure Ireland is a step in the right direction though.
Kemper you better stick to asian chicks, they are more docile. that is unless they are ninjas.
ninjas! ha! i’d do them.
God,
Why must You hate the Seahawks so? If You’ll look at the history of the Seahawks, You will see that the Seahawks have often had a roster full of Jesus freaks who love to sing their praises to You. Yet You continue to smite them. Their more recent smiting came in the form of Your ACL tearing rampage. Why, God? Was it because Burleson used to be an anal-loving Viking?
hey Uppity,
Have you ever seen “Ninja 3: The Domination”? it has kelly from the Breakin’ movie playing a woman possessed by the spirit of a dead ninja!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DOUTDlwUpAI
I’d do her!!! (Well back then, now she is old)
HA!! Watch out for those Filipino chicks… you could get a doormat or you could get one of the ninja chicks that will rip your testicles out of your sac and then eat them in her soup.
the spirit of a dead ninja. that’s brilliant.
I used to work with a guy who bought a wife from the philippines. He was in his 50s, she was in her early 20s. It was great for him; she on the other hand had to touch old balls.
Yep, if this nation of morons votes for another war-mongering idiot ticket then I’m defnitely outta here before the whole country winds up totally in the shitter. Canada is way to cold and filled cold and filled with pussies. New Zealand has goat fucking Smoggy’s. England has tea drinkers, cross-dressing Crying Gamers, and zombies. France is…France. Italy is filled with way too much over-compensatory machismo. Germany is too filled with beer swilling fatties. Costa Rica is too poor…but I could live like I was on Olympus there. Okay that’s it. If McBush wins I’m movin’ to Costa Rica.
the vikings do not love anal. all their bending over and taking it is involuntary. they’re just stupid.
I thought the Vikings did that because they are horny…ba dum cha!
costa rica it is. i’ll meet you guys there. i’ll be the round headed guy with the yellow face and the unibrow.
They do love anal, Cracka. That’s why Steve Hutchinson went to play there. He’s an anal loving douche.
Just like Josh Fucking Brown who went to play with the anal loving Rams so he could play for a winning team… dumbass.
Zeus,
The whole world is going to hell… Costa Rica really does sound like the best option. Where the hell is Der Dude anyway?
Three words, searched at google, while provide the divine solution to the “Norton” heresy…
NORTON REMOVAL TOOL
(totally smites anything by symantec)
I wonder if God got His Norton issues all worked out. I hope He was able to kill a few million people to work out His anger.
“Have you ever seen ‘Ninja 3: The Domination’?”
Josh…really?! Do you sit around on your weekends scratchin’ your balls watchin’ this crap?
zeus!! how rude!! josh has a vagina.
Vaginas don’t even watch that crap. That screams adolescent male.
I think the cost of security in a developing nation (if the world goes in the crapper) would negate the financial benifit of living in Costa Rica. Maybe Australia. It’s not Smoggyland, it’s an Island and Rupert Murdoch’s world dominance will keep it safe.
nun, has anyone’s skin sloughed off in your sausage hole lately due to the foul acidity in its environs? it’s like a giant squid feeding on bottomfeeders…key-riced.
Sorry Wheat Thin. Josh, really?! Do you sit around on weekends scrathin’ your adolescent male vagina watchin’ this crap?
Australia is New Zealand’s fourth island (North Island, South Island, Stewart Island and West Island (Oz)) it’s where we send all our retards, homos, and sheep rapists. You should fit right in.
Key-riced? Is that the Asian Jesus?
nun’s vagina rises from the marinara trench to feed once every ten thousand years.
Where’s the love for Ireland!?!
if that’s where you send all the sheep rapists, then whose left to shear the sheep? poor overheated, sexually frustrated puffballs.
Sorry, Cracka. I’m not impressed and I still won’t fuck you. You’re stuck with roofies, my friend.
i’m going home to play nhl 2k9 on the wii. i’m a dork. fuck you all ’til tomorrow then. cheerio.
We contract sheep shearing out to uppity buttcrackas.
Smoggy, I eat goats and kick sheep. Okay Frodo Tea Bagger.
little does nun know…
that’s it.
end of sentence.
Sorry Zeus, my mistake. I thought you blew goats and licked sheep.
Smoggy said: “We contract sheep shearing out to uppity buttcrackas.”
heh… good one, Smoggy.
.
.
.
Do you have a big weiner, Cracka?? I’ll take back everything I said if you’re rockin’ a 10 inch cock.
Good one What Thin. You pull one out of your Minnesotan ass every now an then.
Nun, sorry. I like Ireland but if the States go in the crapper, so does all of the UK. Besides, the food sucks and it’s too rainy, like Seattle.
Zeusy,
I have not watched that movie (or movies like it) since I was about 12. I just remember the really horrible ones like Ninja 3.
come on dude! give me some credit!
Northern Ireland is a country all it’s own now!! They spit on the U.K. and everybody else. Not because of any idealized views but simply because they’re drunk.
I would rather have sun than rain though.
Nun,
I know. I saw Michael Collins and read the history of Ireland. They still have sworn allegiance to the Crown though. I always get all that Britian, England, UK, Ireland, N. Irleand, Scotland, British Iles, crap all mixed up. Too much interloping and covorting going on there. It’s like one giant West Virginia.
Josh,
On God’s Divine Divin Blog I am allowed to assume the worst about people especially you which is why this weekend you will be watching all of the Police Academy movies(except for the first one, which was awesome.)
Wait a minute? What the hell kind of job does Cracka have that allows him to go home at 3:30 in the afternoon? He must work the lunch time crowd at El Pollo Loco.
That first Police Academy is pretty funny. Steve Guttenberg was such a cutie.
Cracka shears sheep–he gets to finish work when he’s stripped the last of his lovelies.
Interesting that Zeus isn’t homesick for Greece. That’s because he’s fucked everyone there, including the sheep.
And I was honored to make Ben’s list. Pardon me while I go and gargle.
Yeah I was amazed to make Ben’s list. I haven’t been here long and whenever I’m up and ready to insult you people it’s night-time and you’ve all retired to your petit boudoirs to play with yourselves. It’s cold and lonely blogging through the night when no one’s there to be offended.
—see what I mean
…hello?
…anyone there?
…world?
…sob
…God?
…whimper
Nun,
Guttenberg was awesome. What happened to him?
Smoggy
That’s what happens when you live upside down. It’s cold and lonely and you’re always smelling someone’s crotch sweat.
Johnson
God didn’t smite you after all. He said he wouldn’t and he kept his word. I knew it. He is so worthy of our praise and interjection into the American political process.
I, in fact, did do every woman in Greece and I hate Ouzo, so that is out for me, and as I mentioned ealier, I eat goats and kick sheep.
Smoggy,
Relax it is is only 5:45 EST. You have at least another 15 minutes of me. Another hour and 15 of anybody in the US’s idiot-filled midwest, two hours and 15 minutes in the Rockies and three hours and 15 minutes of Nun.
I’d like 3 hours and 15 minutes of Nun. Rowr you vixen.
Zeus–it’s you answering my lonely prayers!
Maybe you should become a southern hemisphere god. We’ve got some good volcanoes down here where you could set up just as comfortable as Olympus. And maybe we could get together?
Remember that ‘Gillian Anderson’ thing?
Can you really do it for 3 hours and 15 minutes Nun?
Will you give up on the Gillian Anderson thing. Is this some sort of Kiwi obsession? Does every Kiwi have a picture of Gillian Anderson and a sheep on the ceiling above his bed? I do like the god of the S. Hemisphere thing. I’d have to get God to grant me a few followers first. Although, I like the blood to be concentrated in my bean and franks rather than my head.
3 hours and 15 minutes is just foreplay, Smoggy. Not with Zeus as he’s a rather selfish lover but I can do 3 hours and 15 minutes of him manifesting.
Frank and Beans. Franks, plural, was the subject of a very interesting earlier conversation.
Gillian Anderson is quite beloved in NZ and OZ from what I understand. And what the fuck did happen to Guttenberg?
Yep, God had a first class chance to smite my pink ass — a pagan in a Catholic hospital! But here I sit, with staples somewhere that staples shouldn’t be. God, please smite the makers of surgical staples.
Smoggy, I feel your pain, dude. I’m supposed to be doing my daughter’s homework, so I may have to go soon.
What the crap?! I let you get off at least once everytime and as pretty much any form you want. I’d say that is pretty generous. If you want multiples you are gonna have to bring more sacrifical goats next time.
Nun, how do you like Zeus best? What is his best manifestation? Not that I want his slack schlong or anything, I’m just wondering …
Did I complain, Zeus? Saying a guy is a selfish lover is like saying the sky is up and the ground hurts when you fall on it.
I’d be a happy smoggy if Scully sat on my face and told me that she loved me (points if you get the song allusion).
Ouch goddess annie, that sounds terrible. Do you get one of those inflatable cushions to sit on?
Johnson!
You’re gonna do your daughter’s homework for her. Tsk, tsk. How’s your little pagan child going to learn if you are doing her homework for her. With my kids I ussually just go to the top of Olympus and kick my children off. If they survive by learning to fly or fall properly then I spend the time, if not I eat them.
Is the sky really up? This isn’t one of those cruel northern hemisphere jokes is it?
i put people on my list if i remembered them and in order of influence and by how much they are liked, by me and others. it’s only the first of many to come.
I always do my childrens’ homework. And I beat up their enemies.
Hmmm… he’s done Depp, Sandy and a Tim Curry sex-doll. We declined his manifestation of Duchovny as it seems I could actually have Duchovny if I chose to pursue it. Am I missing somebody, Zeus? Did we get to McGregor?
If we did McGregor then I’d have to go with him… have you ever seen the size of his massive, uncircumcised elephant schlong? If we haven’t yet got to McGregor then I’ll go with Sandy. If you have to ask why then go watch WKRP in Cincinatti and look at the way he filled out those tight jeans. Rowr.
Nun, are you kidding me. I often spend an hour south before I even start moving north. And unlike most guys, I know what’s what down there. If that’s not generous I don’t know what is.
Do you know how to strum the perineum?
The sky is up in our world, Smoggy. I’m sorry that you have to look up and see the ugly ground. That would be so depressing.
Umm yeah, we did McGregor?! And then we did half McGregor, half bull - which was really pretty wild. I knew I shouldn’t have let you drink from my horn ‘o’ wine.
Sorry, Zeus. You must have been so good at going “south” that I forgot.
Smoggy,
I know how to do that!!
Oh yeah!! I remember now! God damn but that was a freakin’ good night. Even if I couldn’t walk right for three days.
Smoggy
I find your inquiries into the specifics of my techniques disturbing to say the least. If you need lessons ask one of your sheep.
Smoggy said: “I’d be a happy smoggy if Scully sat on my face and told me that she loved me (points if you get the song allusion).”
Scully would kick your ass. I’d tell you that Mulder would kick your ass but chances are that you could actually kick Mulder’s ass.
The song is on the tip of my tongue but alas, that’s as far as it shall venture. What’s the song, Smog?
Wait… whose perineum was Smoggy talking about?
Zeus said “If you need lessons ask one of your sheep.”
Have you been at my sheep again mighty one? That explains why the whole flock is walking funny.
Here is a guide for you Smoggy and try humming incoherent songs, but that is most help I’m giving you. http://health.discovery.com/centers/sex/sexpedia/perineum.html
Well, I don’t know Nun, but thanks for answering first.
G-spot.
Throw the poor guy a bone, Zeus.
The song is an old Monty Python classic Nun:
“Sit on my face and tell me that you love me
Sit on my face and blow me away”
There’s a good clip on youtube.
I don’t mind whose perineum–I just asked Zeus because he said “And unlike most guys, I know what’s what down there.”
lol…
The perineum is the area of skin rich in nerve endings that is located below the anus (the opening for bowel movements).
WOW!! I never would have known the anus was an opening for bowel movements if that site hadn’t have told me so!!
Oh, by cracka. My husband just bought the September issue of Men’s Health. Zeus, can you be Beckham? I am totally serious. If you can be Beckham, I will only take four hours of your busy day, oh mighty one.
I know about the G-spot Nun.
Try pressing your G-spot and strumming your perineum at the same time and see what music you make.
Smoggy, lock your pasture before the gods get in, not afterwards.
Really? Okay…jeesh. It is inside just past the spongy surface at the top (bottom for you). You’ve probally felt that that when massaging your sheep to sleep at night. You’ll know you’re there when they start to “baahh” louder.
Monty Python… that’s why it was on the tip of my tongue. You gotta love The Flying Circus.
Zeus is right, unfortunately. Most guys do not realize that females have a perineum. Or I suppose it’s more likely that they just don’t care. Some guys are also not aware of the G-spot but sadly, a lot of females are just as unaware.
“You’ll know you’re there when they start to “baahh” louder.”
The voice of experience.
I know the Sexipedia is really quite idiot-proof.
I’ll try Beckham. He’s cool and the added bonus of the really hot (albeit fake) Posh to boot.
Can you be both Posh and Becks and fuck yourself?
This conversation makes my tummy feel funny.
I once had sex with a guy who didn’t realize that I had a clitoris or that he could touch it. He spent all his time trying to arouse my labia. WTF!!
So many woman out there with the inability to reach the big O. So sad. It should be taught in school. I’d like to put all the blame on men…well we can put most of it on them.
Tummy…good funny or bad funny? “He spent all his time trying to arouse my labia” that’s like like licking the potatos without ever getting to the knockwurst. WTF is right!
Smoggy, that is a hell of an idea. I think that question was raised a couple weeks ago. But technically that would be me doing me, a man. And that would make me gay which is church I’m not willing to enter.
I’ll let you decide if it’s good or bad, Zeus.
Sex really should be taught. It used to be that way. There were actually people that would teach youngsters the way to pleasure your sexual partner. But then the puritans came and took away all our fun.
Yes–education would be the thing.
As a young virgin with raging hormones I’d have welcomed a gorgeous milf showing me all the right things to do. In some cultures older women do show the young men the ropes.
Maybe that could be a worthwhile job for Sarah Palin? Serving the youth in society by blowing them (instead of blowing them up).
Palin already did that, Smoggy. She’s since passed on the reins to her slutty daughter.
Yeah, but do you really reckon Bristol knows her own body? She’s up the spout because she bought into the abstinence thing. Poor kid.
Did you know that in England ‘bristols’ are slang for tits?
And ‘Randy’ means you’re ready to fuck?
Ain’t language great?
Can we make it Posh, Becks, and Anne? O mighty Zeus! You rule the universe!
Good idea annie–and including you as a threesome might help Zeus get around the ‘gay church’ problem.
fag is a cigarette, faggot is a bundle of kindling and they’re both gay men. Yes, ain’t language grand?
I’ll bet Bristol can’t even spell “O,” much less have one. (Anne sharpens her claws on her surgical staples.)
Finally some respect from Johnson. And yes, I do beleive that is the way around. Woo Becks, Posh, Johnson threesome! I know what I’m doing tonight. Smoke that!
An “pack” is a guys junk and “de-bag” is to get someone’s pants off.
I like the Brits liberal use of the word “fuck”. I also like how everything is bloody this and bloody that.
Now we’re cookin’ with gas! Zeus, I take back everything I ever said about you getting too damn much pussy. Bring it on, Becky baby!!!
But I don’t make breakfast. Bring your own.
hahaha…..420….you get all the best numbers AJ
I’m gonna look dumb, I’m afraid, but … what’s up with 420? Is this something I should know before Becky and Posh arrive?
I’m freakin tired of everyone of everyone talkin about the Palin’s it’s helping McBush. We (or at least the media) need to spend more time about that nut job. Chipmunk cheek is so crazy that he thinks he is sane enough to be president. He’s going to be the death of us all…or if he croaks then Palin will. Which is very likely. And why the hell is no one talking about the Supreme Court!??? I president is there to fuck up the country for 4 or 8 years. A couple more Scalia’s will leave a lasting fuck up for centuries. Say good bye to the Bill of Rights.
Do Americans use ‘bugger’. It’s so common here it’s no longer considered a swear word–but it greatly offended a Belgian friend.
There’s a popular TV advert featuring it.
Type “toyota bugger advert” into youtube.
420 is the police code for chiba posession. It’s also something of a holiday
And I make a mean omlette and homemade pancakes.
Americans never say “bugger.” Except for me, I think it’s cute. Zeus, when you get here I promise I won’t mention my membership in the Republican Party, the National Rifle Association, and the Southern Baptist Convention. We’ll just play “Spice Girls n Guy.”
Only people with a slightly outward worldly outlook will use the word Bugger and not very often. In DC you really have to be careful of your language. I had and English friend use Bloody in front of his Mum and get grounded. Of course this was 20 years ago so maybe cultural norms have changed.
Now I’ve gotta go dab some deodorant on my armpits. Sooooo sexy.
No, Americans don’t use the word ‘bugger’ but Scully does in the new XF flick.
And yeah, what Zeus said about 420… it’s common code for “let’s smoke a bowl”.
That’s okay Johnson we’ll integrate all your memberships. Nothing goes to better better than football, British Pop Rock, corporate greed mongers, your shotgun, and hypocritcal money mongering homosexual Baptist pastors.
I was raised by Southern Baptists. Keep an eye on that shotgun, Zeus.
And Anne, if you damage Zeus to the point that he can no longer use his manifesting powers then I will hunt you down and use that shotgun to do exactly what I was taught to do with it.
Yeah it goes like this
4 = number of grams in a good smoke
2 = minimum number needed to share and have sex
0 = nirvana and good orgasm
42 = answer to the ultimate question in ‘The Hitchikers guide to the galaxy”
20 = most orgasms nun has had in five minutes
420 = fantastic sex with a shape-shifting deity while stoned
(unbelievers would argue that it refers to the number of a particular post–but never trust a fucking atheist)
Nun, you were raised by S. Baptists?! And look at you now! Way to go. I’m glad you are not chained to some kitchen somewhere preggers with with six kids howling in the background.
And thanks for the warning.
Cheerio chaps, Smoggy’s buggering off to do some work.
Smoggy’s got sheep to shag.
God if you wanna remove it, press control alt delete then end the process where it lists the processes and then try uninstalling the program. If it still doesn’t work open up command and it should say C:. Type cd Program files and press enter. Type dir and press enter to know what the file is called. It should be in some sort of stupid folder. Called norton whatever depending on what version you have. Then type del filename for example del norton and press enter. It should remove the program completely from your registry and from the list of program files.
Then if you want a really good antivirus download symantec corporate version. It never expires and you keep downloading updates forever.
Why the fuck do the rePUBIClicans believe that the unborn have more rights than you and me? Other than sheer stupidy I mean.
Zeus,
Not just Southern Baptists, my dear. I was raised by a Southern Baptist Pastor. Needless to say, they are most disappointed with the way I’ve turned out.
Zeus said: “I’m glad you are not chained to some kitchen somewhere preggers with with six kids howling in the background.”
They tried, Zeus. They tried.
Windows? Wait you’re actually messing around with that OS for your computer? I’d recommend the switch to Linux, God.
i just wanted to remind you all, in case anyone forgot…
josh is a faggot.
http://www.addictinggames.com/godsplayingfield.html
faggot, fagot, n.
Forms: 4 faget(t, 4-6 faggott, 5 fagatt, -ot(t, 6 fagget, Sc. faggat, 4- fagot, 5- faggot. See also FAGALD.
1. A bundle of sticks, twigs, or small branches of trees bound together: a. for use as fuel.
a1300 Cursor M. 3164 (Cott.) {Ygh}ong ysaac a fagett broght. 1398 TREVISA Barth. De P.R. XVII. cxlix. (1495) 703 Thornes..ben bounde in faggottes..and brent in ouens. 1478 Bury Wills (Camden) 77 The price of the c fagots iijs vjd. 1578 Gude & G. Ball. (1868) 92 As the flame burning quhair it can find The faggat. 1649 W. BLITHE Eng. Improv. Impr. (1653) 36 Thou must take good green Faggots. 1770 GOLDSM. Des. Vill. 133 To pick her wintry fagot from the thorn. 1821 CLARE Vill. Minstr. I. 128 Goody begg’d a helping hand To heave her rotten faggot up. 1866 ROGERS Agric. & Prices I. xviii. 424 In all probability the fagot was of very various sizes.
{dag}b. Mil. for use in fascines. Obs.
c1400 Sowdone Bab. 285 Fagotis to hewe..And fille the dikes faste anoon. 1548 HALL Chron. 112 Castyng faggottes into the diches. 1603 KNOLLES Hist. Turks (1621) 1064 [He] would oftentimes..carrie a fagot..before him..for the raising of the mount. 1711 ADDISON Spect. No. 165 {page}3 The Black Prince..filled a Ditch with Faggots as successfully as the Generals of our Times do it with Fascines.
2. a. With special reference to the practice of burning heretics alive, esp. in phrase fire and faggot; {dag}to fry a faggot, to be burnt alive; also, to bear, carry a faggot, as those did who renounced heresy. Hence fig. the punishment itself.
a1555 LATIMER Serm. & Rem. (1845) 277 Running out of Germany for fear of the fagot. 1621 BP. R. MONTAGU Diatribae 44 You deserued to fry a fagot. 1649 BP. HALL Cases Consc. III. v. 274 Fagots were never ordained by the Apostle for arguments to confute hereticks. 1667 POOLE Dial. betw. Protest. & Papist (1735) 101 You answer our Arguments with Fire and Faggot. 1721 STRYPE Eccl. Mem. I. viii. 86 He should go before the cross bare-headed..carrying a faggot on his shoulder. 1741-8 WATTS Improv. Mind I. xiv. 195 Mitres or Faggots have been the Rewards of different Persons according as they pronounced these consecrated Syllables, or not pronounced them. 1808 J. BARLOW Columb. IV. 206 Racks, wheels and crosses, faggots, stakes and strings. 1868 J. H. BLUNT Ref. Ch. Eng. I. 85 Wolsey caused them to carry a faggot to the fire..Henry placed them in the midst of actual faggots. 1888 J. GAIRDNER in Dict. Nat. Biog. XIII. 30/2 It is not easy to answer arguments in prison, with fire and faggots in the background.
b. The embroidered figure of a faggot, which heretics who had recanted were obliged to wear on their sleeve, as an emblem of what they had merited.
1706 in PHILLIPS (ed. Kersey). 1823 in CRABB Technol. Dict.
3. In wider sense. a. A bundle or bunch in general, e.g. of rushes, herbs, etc. b. fig. A ‘bundle’, collection (of things not forming any genuine unity).
1489 CAXTON Faytes of A. I. xiv. 38 Fagotis and bondellis of rede. 1545 BRINKLOW Compl. 25b, Yet must he..pryuyly beare a fagot of russhes in his chamber. 1555 EDEN Decades 5 They founde faggottes of the bones of mennes armes and legges. 1650 W. CRADOCK in Spurgeon Treas. Dav. Ps. lxxxiii. 1 That he may..gather the wicked into one fagot..that they may be destroyed together. 1723 J. NOTT Cook’s & Confectioner’s Dict. BA §27 A Faggot of sweet Herbs. 1741 Compl. Fam. Piece I. ii. 99 A little Faggot of Thyme, Savory, and Parsley. 1742 H. WALPOLE Corr. (ed. 3) I. xxxviii. 154 My faggot of compliments. 1782 in Baker Biogr. Dram. iii. (1812) 260 A faggot of utter improbabilities. 1854 EMERSON Lett. & Soc. Aims, Quot. & Orig. Wks. (Bohn) III. 214 The psalms and liturgies of churches are..a fagot of selections. 1906 MRS. BEETON Bk. Househ. Managem. lxi. 1638 The little bunch or fagot of herbs..usually consists of two or three sprigs of parsley, a sprig of thyme, and a bayleaf. 1960 Harper’s Bazaar Oct. 153/1 The traditional faggot of mixed herbs.
4. A bundle of iron or steel rods bound together.
1540 Act 32 Hen. VIII, c. 14 Item for euery last of faggottes of yron iiii. s. 1640 in Entick London II. 181 For a faggot of steel 0 1d. 1706 PHILLIPS (ed. Kersey), Faggot of Steel (in Traffick) the Quantity of 120 Pound-Weight. 1721-1800 in BAILEY. 1825 J. NICHOLSON Operat. Mechanic 338 This is termed a faggot [of iron], being about 12 or 14 inches long, and six inches square. 1881 GREENER Gun 221 The bars were then..fastened into a faggot.
5. (See quot. 1851.)
1851 MAYHEW Lond. Labour II. 227 He..made his supper..on ‘fagots’. This preparation..is a sort of cake, roll or ball..made of chopped liver and lights, mixed with gravy, and wrapped in pieces of pig’s caul. 1858 SALA Journ. due North 308 The curious viands known in cheap pork-butchery..as Faggots. 1881 in Oxford Gloss. Supp.
6. a. A term of abuse or contempt applied to a woman (orig. dial.) Also in extended uses.
1591 LODGE Catharos 4b, A filbert is better than a faggot, except it be an Athenian she handfull. 1840 BARHAM Ingol. Leg., Grey Dolphin, ‘What’s that you say, old faggot?’ 1862 MRS. H. WOOD Mrs. Hallib. II. xxi, She..struck at me, she did, the good-for-nothing faggot! 1882 MRS. CHAMBERLAIN W. Worc. Words 11 Faggit, a term of reproach used to children. 1900 Eng. Dial. Dict. II. 278/2 To a stray cow: ‘Come out o’ that, ye old faggot.’ 1922 JOYCE Ulysses 723 That old faggot Mrs Riordan. 1925 D. H. LAWRENCE Refl. Death Porcupine 176 To me she [sc. a cow] is fractious, tiresome, and a faggot. Yet the subtle desirableness is in her, for me. 1969 Sunday Mirror 9 Feb. 35 ‘Urry up wi’ that glass o’ beer, you lazy faggot!
b. A (male) homosexual. slang (orig. and chiefly U.S.).
1914 JACKSON & HELLYER Vocab. Criminal Slang 30 s.v. Drag, Example: ‘All the fagots (sissies) will be dressed in drag at the ball tonight.’ 1926 WOOD & GODDARD Dict. Amer. Slang 16 Fagot, a chorus man; an effeminate man. 1936 J. DOS PASSOS Big Money (1937) 273 The first thing Marge thought was how on earth she could ever have liked that fagot. 1962 H. KANE Killer’s Kiss xxvii. 207 Duffy was no queen, no platinum-dyed freak, no screaming faggot. 1966 New Statesman 18 Mar. 392/3 The American word ‘faggot’ is making advances here over our own more humane ‘queer’. 1970 New Yorker 28 Nov. 21/2 A gathering of homosexuals..a Jew, a Negro, a butch faggot, a nellie faggot.
{dag}7. A person temporarily hired to supply a deficiency at the muster, or on the roll of a company or regiment; a dummy. Obs.
a1700 B. E. Dict. Cant. Crew, Faggots, Men Muster’d for Souldiers, not yet Listed. 1708 Brit. Apollo No. 105. 4/1 You may be some Faggot to pass at a Muster. 1755 Mem. Capt. P. Drake II. iii. 75 The Adjutants..came to treat and settle with me about the Fagots (Men deficient of the Number of Workmen, ordered from each Regiment). 1756 LD. CHESTERFIELD Connoisseur CII, William, a Faggot in the First Regiment of Guards. 1802 in JAMES Milit. Dict.
8. = FAGGOT VOTE.
1817 SIR F. BURDETT in Parl. Deb. 1368 These faggots..returned the two members to the House of Commons. 1879 Daily News 16 Apr. 6/6 He..had not the slightest doubt he would win, unless he were to be swamped by faggots. 1884 Truth 13 Mar. 374/1 The art of manufacturing fagots.
9. In various occasional uses: (see quots.).
1727 BRADLEY Fam. Dict. s.v., Faggots of Oranges, Orange-Peels turn’d or par’d very thin, in order to be preserv’d. 1867 SMYTH Sailor’s Word-bk. 287 Fagot, a billet for stowing casks. 1880 E. Cornw. Gloss., Faggot..a secret and unworthy compromise.
10. attrib. and Comb., as faggot-bearer, -boat, -flame, -maker, -making, -pile, -steel, -stick, -wood. Also, faggot-brief, a dummy brief (cf. 7); faggot-drain, a drain made by placing faggots at the bottom of a trench and then covering them with earth; faggot filling-stitch = faggot-stitch; faggot-iron, iron, in the form of bars or masses, made from welding together a faggot or pile of iron bars; {dag}faggot-spray, the refuse twigs, etc., left in making faggots; faggot-stitch, needlework in which two pieces of material are joined together by stitching resembling the faggoting of drawn-thread work; so faggot-stitching; {dag}faggot-waisted a., arranged in pleats like a bundle of sticks. Also FAGGOT-VOTE.
…sorry
…that was quite long, wasn’t it?
…a bit longer than I thought it would be.
Josh should be very proud oh his faggotness.
see, i always knew there was nothing wrong with burning faggots
Just says it all…..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fSQMg3gc1r4&hl=en&fs=1
Good Lord, Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!!!!
I’m busy in “meetings” all day and we have something like 448 comments!! AND I’m being insulted for my “wide stance”.
Well, for the record, I DO have a wide stance and anyone who doesn’t like the fact that I’m gayer than a may pole wrapped in pink and lavender ribbons can just suck my dick (men only) and vote for me as President in 2008!
I love you guys. Except for Ben. Ben is an asshole.
Besides, everyone knows that my fondest wish is to be sodomized (only in secret) by the Uppity Cracka. Geez, you people are dense.
aw…come on Curtis….i got no problems with the gays. i just meant (in #446) that it’s ok to burn bundles of sticks! geez louis…
Hey Curtis, I’m going to vote for you to be president, even though it’s illegal for me to do so and I’ll be placing my freedom and perhaps my very life at risk (cracka said someone’d shoot me).
And I’ve no doubt its the uppity buttcracka’s fondest wish to secretly sodomise you–so be strong! stay hard! and keep those ribbons wound round your pole.
Smoggy - so 444 is some kind of weird ghey code, like Satanists 666?
Where I come from (Grateful Dead country), the 420 was the time when high school detention got out and the gang went out to the parking lot for a smoke.
Oh yeah, Athenian she-handful …… fabulous gay bash!