Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
In this entry, I would like to talk about something that makes Me absolutely…fucking…furious! And that something is the vile, sinful act of sex before marriage.
I absolutely hate it when two human beings engage in sexual relations before they decide to spend the rest of their lives together.
Now I don’t support democracy, which is why I’ve been a fan of the American Republican Party for the last 50 years or so. They have helped boost My numbers and have condemned anyone who dare oppose Me for quite a while now.
However, I may have to switch parties this year, because I’ll tell you what. I’d just settled in with a 100 ton bucket of KFC and a sixty-four-thousand pack of Busch Light last night to watch the Republican National Convention (as is My quadrennial tradition), and what’s the first thing you think I heard the news caster say? That’s right, the Republicans chose a WOMAN to be their Vice-King! UNNACCEPTABLE!
I prefer only old white men be the King of America, but at the very least the leader of the free world must have a penis! What if something should happen to John McCain? Even with My Ultimate Higher Power, I’m not sure I can keep him alive and upright another 4 to 8 years.
And if that wasn’t enough, I hear that this new ‘vice-president’ Palin has a 17-year-old daughter named Bristol who went and got herself knocked up. Now I wouldn’t mind this if the girl were married. For all I care she could be 11-years-old and have 3 kids already, provided she was married. But no! Little-miss-thang is most definitely not married. She’s a promiscuous and barely-legal white-trash gutter-slut cunt-whore skank-bitch.
It seems that Bristol Palin, as the cheap dime-store hooker is called, has been having dirty, unmarried sex for several years already, and is yet another teenage girl hell-bent on swallowing the entire United States inside her vagina. She is not alone.
Since the dawn of time, mortal women have dared offend Me with all their blatantly unmarried fucking. Did you know that sometimes these tramps have sex without any intention of ever even having a baby? Very often they have zero intention of ever marrying the poor father. They just use him for the pleasure of his mighty waba!
THESE WHORES TASK ME! And they shall suffer greatly for it, I promise thee!
Sex Hell.
For not obeying My abstinence rule, as I have made very clear in My Book, I shall smite them with painful sexually transmitted diseases (such as crabs or AIDS), total loser fathers who don’t help out none, saddle them with ugly retarded kids they never wanted, and make the product of their pubescent loins the unwitting political pawns in a worldwide to-the-death struggle for money and power.
Why you ask? You always do. Why must humans wait until marriage to have sex?
Because I said so! And because…The Holy Act of Sexual Congress brings you humans far too much pleasure for it to be trifled with. You MUST wait until marriage. Consider it yet another test of your faith.
And don’t think you can cheat Me by using condoms or birth control or whatever. I can see through those cheap tricks.
Nope, the only solution I accept is for you humans to not have sex at all until your wedding* night. And if you don’t follow this rule, then you shall burn to a crisp and suffer only the worst torments in Sex Hell for all eternity, just as surely as that cum-dumpster Bristol Palin will.
*Once you get married, you can never get divorced.
Ralph on 
freebiesss on 
TheEvilOverlord on 
God on 
Craig on 
samanta on 
ShunRenHu on 
I would also like to take this opportunity to announce My full support of candidate Barack Obama.
He might be half-black, but hey, at least he’s not all black.
God,
Kudos on the master hyphenation — barely-legal white-trash gutter-slut cunt-whore skank-bitch? Brilliant — and thanks for posting my Sex Hell travel-agency poster. I look buff!
What you mean,god, is that 99,9% of us women will eventually meet in hell, right? Except maybe a Bridgette or two.
So what happens in heaven then? Not much, I guess.
By the way, god, were you married to the allegedly virgin Mary?
SILENCE KARIN!!
These rules do not apply to ME!!
Lucifer, looking good!
I had the idea that working out in Hell was difficult, using a BowFlex made from the skulls and ribs of QVC channel sales sluts can’t be easy. Especially with cloven hooves.
nun’s not gonna like this…
well, looks like i got one prayer request in the bag. so, anyone messes with me probably gets smited…just so you know. I AIN’T TAKING ANY SHIT FROM YOU UNMARRIED ETHNIC WHORES!!!!!
I’m glad God came down on the side of Right. I hope he smites any mealy-mouthed Con who bleats about Family Values and tries to talk around the ‘knocked up teen’ issue.
cracka, screw Nun! Errr…never mind.
OBAMA! OBAMA! whoot!
“He might be half-black, but hey, at least he’s not all black.”
== quote of the year!
shut up, ben.
crap. ben’s right, that’s good.
Points to Ben.
why should ben get points for God’s comment? shut up, yoyo.
FACE! 9:28AM FACE!
Shut up cracka.
How’s life in the Upper Midwest today?
yeah, don’t you live in Minny, cracka? Can you go over there and spread God’s word for us?
Oh shit…
God,
can you just have the news come out that the Sara Palin’s youngest son is in fact her grandson? That smite will be the best of all.
God Eager Servant,
Josh
Yo Yo, don’t forget the tail.
i tried to spread God’s word the other day, but the cops pretty much beat us back. i’m not sure why they were so upset. they seem to like the pro-bush protesters and enjoy beating the anti-barely-legal white-trash gutter-slut cunt-whore skank-bitch crowd. so, you know, i don’t want to get arrested for “conspiracy to riot” by stepping outside of a designated “free speech zone”.
i actually just wanted to protest the fact that all those pseudo christian A-holes are defiling the coolest arena in all of hockeydom with their fake ass “hockey mom” bullshit. tonight, we’re all showing up in our gear wearing derek boogard jerseys and we’ll show those cops how to take a beating like a man!!!! all in God’s glorious name, of course…SMITE!!!!
Kill fatties and fuck to spread God’s word, Cracka. You’re married, it’s okay for you to fuck.
that’s right!! my wife is going to be RA-A-A-AAAAAW after this!! nun, what do you with the rotting fatty landmass carcasses after a good smiting?
Josh that was proven wrong because the daughter is pregannt
The tail, can’t forget tail…
I leave them on the beach, Cracka. You’ve heard about the recent spate of beached whales, haven’t you?
I see those cheese-eating surrender monkeys have given up their lazy 35 hour work week. (Filled, no doubt, with smoke breaks. Why do they get smoke breaks if they smoke all the time?
Viva 40 hours!
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080903/ap_on_re_eu/france_farewell35_hour_week
Oh doubting Tomas,
It was proven wrong how? By Palin’s camp issuing a statement that her daughter was 5 no wait, now they say 4 months preggers? seems to me that Bristal could in fact be the mother of both. unlikely? yes, impossible? no. I can’t wait till they issue another statement in Nov about how her daughter miscarried the fake baby.
I watched Palin’s speech. The best part was when they put the camera on Palin’s future son in law, and he looked like he did not want to be there at all.
God’s Ready Servant,
Josh
Palin as VP nominee might be one of the best things that happened to Obama’s campaign.
Nun,
Don’t count on it. This is all part of a superb viral marketing scheme cooked up by my old pal Karl Rove. Let the little black kid have his moment of fame on Thursday nght, then hijack the media on Friday morning with the new drama queen. By next spring, we’ll all be eating moose stew, if you know what I mean
Tony,
In all seriousness, I don’t believe there are enough Americans that would vote for a black man. Some people believe they’re not racist when they actually do have racist views. So many of us were raised with the idea that blacks were inferior, even if it was never really stated out loud. The idea that the white man keeps the black man down rings true with me. I see it a lot and I live in a very liberal area.
But, given all that, I think there’s a fair amount of Republicans who will not look kindly on a female VP. You may be right though, this is the best thing that could happen to Obama’s campaign but it won’t be enough.
Anybody here ever lived in Ireland?
Nun,
It goes a lot deeper than that. This election is going to be close enough to make it easy for the GOP to win by flipping Diebold boxes in key states. When the exit polls don’t match the vote count, they can claim that it was just disaffected Hillary fans and unspoken racists crossing over.
It wouldn’t be the first time, Tony. I know people who weren’t allowed to vote in the last election. Why, you ask? Because they were felons. Or so they were told. They really weren’t, they were just black.
In the really, really big picture, all this slut-patriot soul-messiah nonsense is just a way to keep the masses confused while the Elders of Zion continue to shape destiny as they see fit. The fascist state transcends “democracy”.
Ireland?
And then we have the Bush administration telling Russia that their war is unjust. Kind of like what the rest of the world thought about the U.S. war with Iraq.
Yo Yo,
Yes, Ireland. I think I would like to live there.
are the irish big enough for you, nun? it takes a LOT of man to fill that mineshaft of yours with the breathing, viscous red walls…all undulating with pus and steam valves opening and closing. that’s one weird snatch, lady.
fire-breathing dragon snatch. it licks you back.
The Irish make happy songs about dying in battle, and sad songs about love.
What kind of song would they make about Nun’s snatch?
Tony fnord Snow, agreement with what fnord you said!
The Irish drink a lot too. I think I could live quite happily in Ireland.
But they smoke like fiends, and eat soggy food.
I could do without the native Irish food. I do like potatoes though.
God,
Why did You smite Chris Carter?
http://hollywoodinsider.ew.com/2008/09/x-files-creator.html?iid=top25-20080904-%27X-Files%27+creator+Chris+Carter+hospitalized+for+exhaustion
Yo God, how the fuck could you be for Obama? That’s mad fucked up and foul, yo. He think he the messiah and shit. Mufukker think he Me. Fuck that nigga! Yo when he get shot you know who did it.
Oh God, it’s that pussy ass fake gangsta Grand Theft Auto Playing homo son of yours.
Jesus Homo Christ,
Dropping the N bomb I see, funny how you never do it in person you fucking looser.
God’s Angry Servant,
Josh
Palin supports the hunting of endangered species from helicopters.
As a member of a severely limited race, I wish to voice my disagreement for her existence.
Also Josh, loser*.
Jesus does not need to be tightened.
Haha… Bloodvork FACED Josh’s poor spelling.
YO FUCK YOU JOSH YOU WHITE NIGGA. BRING IT BITCH. I’LL TELL YOU THAT SHIT STRAIGHT TO YO FACE!
Also, work on your spelling. It’s atrocious.
I would totally fuck Bristol Palin. That bitch got some big tits.
Potential headline:
“Hurricane Ike ready to batter Tina Turner”
I love me some Tina Turner.
bristol palin, were she old enough and not pregnant, would be an acceptable partner for engaging in relations…if we were married, of course.
Jesus,
I meant Looser as in your no-no hole is pretty loose from all your sexy times with Eddie Murphy and Tom Cruise you stupid hippie nigger.
God’s Racist Servant,
Josh
josh racist FACED our lord and savior, jesus homo christ.
Tom Cruise and Eddie Murphy(smited by God) both have tiny penises and therefore, would not be able to make Jesus’ hole loose.
Nun,
Eddie played a donkey in THREE shrek movies, he has to be packing some heat. Plus Johnny Gill has stayed with him for years, and you know Johnny is a size queen!
God’s Scared Servant,
Josh
Strap-on, Josh. And Shrek was animated. I.E. he doesn’t really have a donkey dick.
Shrek was animated!?!?!?!? WTF?
God’s Shocked Servant,
Josh
i like the God’s (insert state of mind here) servant thing, josh. but, you don’t need to kill that joke in one day.
shut up, ben.
(oh, wait a minute…)
I was just looking over my job description, is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?
I’m trying too cracka! I barely speak at all anymore.
cracka’s right though josh. you’re killing that joke. i would either stick to being humble as God wants, or at least be more honest/accurate like,
God’s dumbest servant,
or
God’s Cocksucker,
things like that.
God’s Cocksucker. Sorry, Nun’s got dibs on that position.
I’ve never sucked God’s Divine Weiner. Josh should be God’s Asskisser.
What will Josh do with the Holy Dingleberries he picks from his teeth?
what anyone of us would do yoyo, make holy dingleberry pie and serve it to heathens.
Mmm-mm! Nothing like a smokin’ slice of hot holy dingleberry pie (with Cool-Whip) and a cup of coffee!
Jesus,
Silence yourself My wretched son. You embarrass Me. You embarrass the Holy Spirit. You embarrass yourself.
If you’re not careful, I may have to kick you out of the Trinity in favor of Obama. He is more capable at being a messiah than you ever were, and he could really strengthen My poll numbers. I’m only keeping you around out of love Jesus.
SO DON’T FUCK WITH ME!!
Man out of all the people on this blog for all the reasons I get called out for kissing divine ass? Man that sucks. I guess it’s better than kissing Jesus’ ass, thats a road to nowhere.
God’s Dumbest Servant Next To Ben,
Josh
God, with o’reilly working holy spirit duties and obama serving as the figurehead messiah…wow…well, that just seems kind of fucked up is all i’m saying.
God’s confused servant,
cracka.
(great, now he’s got me doing it)
Cracka - O’Reilly is not the Holy Spirit, nor is Obama replacing Jesus…….yet.
Truth is, I tried to get rid of the Holy Spirit, and then found out it wasn’t as easy as I thought. Turns out it is actually just a part of Me, a repressed portion of My Divine personality. The part I hate, obviously.
stupid. who knew?
the part of my personality that i hate is also the part everyone else likes. it’s complicated. but you knew that already.
Yes, I did. By the way cracka, your prayer-request expires Friday at 5PM your time. Either email Me your request by then or I shall smite you instead.
FUCK.
Is that your prayer request, Cracka or simply an exclamation of dissatisfaction?
Yes, My divine favors are not meant to be wielded as threats. ONLY I may do that.
shit. shit. shit.
God,
Are You tired today? Shouldn’t ‘divine favors’ be capitalized as they’re Your Divine Favors?
P.S. I love You, God!!
.
.
.
.
How’s that for some Divine Asskissing, Josh?
Constipated, Cracka and hoping God can help? Or are you still expressing dissatisfaction?
so, you’re telling me i can’t pray for you to smite someone i hate after i tell them i’m going to have them smited? FUCK!!
Gracious Lord, I agree with your views. I hate seeing teenage girls walking around with a stroller and another toddler tagging along. It makes me sick. It makes me happy to know that you have at your disposal your own arsenal of revenge against their stupidity.
Brilliant post God–but put the blame where it belongs. Smite those ABSTINENCE-TEACHING fucktard parents who crap on and on and on about sex until it’s all their poor dim-witted skanky redneck kids can think about. So what do the poor stupid young fucks do? First they use their chastity rings as penis rings (that there sperm caint get past the road-block babe, but damn I think mah cock’s turning green), then they spend a lot of time fingering, licking and sucking each other (your cunt tastes like someone else’s spit babe), then they jump it up with a bit of anal (it aint fuckin if we knock on the back door), and finally when they can’t hold it back any longer they send their little swimmers on a free, uninhibited ride up a slippery virgin shaft (can you remember when you had one of those NUN?).
Still God, I’m glad you clarified your position on this pre-marital stuff, I was worried you were going to tell us that it was you doing another Mary, and that the Virgin Bristol was going to bear us a new Messiah.
Times like this I’m so GLAD I live in a small. insignificant, SANE, country on the arse of the earth. New Zealand would sink into the Tasman Sea before it would consider electing a Creationist, pro-life, global-warming-denying, gun-loving, oil-drilling, end-times psycho who’s one redeeming factor is a fine pair of funbags! It would be hilarious if your presidential picks didn’t affect the rest of the world so much (what? They’re going to give a hockey mom the destruct button?)
What about decreeing that the rest of the world gets to vote in the US elections as well GOD?
Smoggy has vented.
the rest of the free world should get some points in the electoral college smoggy, but if anyone proposed that, they would be shot. i’m not kidding, either, they would be shot.
Yeah cracka I know. I’ve got an American uncle and I once suggested to him as a joke that I’d be helping myself more if I could vote in the US elections than the NZ elections and he got really pissy.
What in the name of all that is good and right in this world is a ‘virgin shaft’? That’s just crazy talk, Smoggy. Such things only exist in your imagination.
Not so NUN. Virgin shafts exist on ‘touched by an angel’.
And the beauty of ‘virgin shaft’ is that it can apply equally to either sex. e.g.
“How did you get her banged up son?” I plowed her furrow with my virgin shaft paw!
“How did he get you banged up girl?” He stuck his dirty great meat stick up my virgin shaft paw.
Mmmm… dirty great meat stick… now I’m horny. Thanks a lot, Smoggy!!
Try a salami
I don’t have to… I own a multitude of boxed cocks.
I own a single poxed cock
A ‘poxed’ cock, Smoggy? Does that mean you have some kind of ethnic New Zealand STD?
Dirty great meat stick combined with Nun’s engorged piss-flaps…bleah, I think I just disgusted myself!
Is a gay New Zealander a Kiwi fruit?
‘Piss-flaps’?!?!? Sorry, Yo Yo but that’s a really lame vulgarity for a pussy.
A kiwi fruit…
heh… heh…
[sigh]
Actually Yo Mama,
I don’t think we have any gay New Zealanders–we have so many sheep…
Sorry, Nun, I couldn’t remember the term someone applied to your labia. If you can supply it, I’ll re-do the post…
Smoggy Batzrubble, LOL! Reminds me of when I was in a fraternity. One of the pledges was afraid initiation involved a sheep! One of the brothers was an Ag major, he had the keys to the university farm, and supplied one.
I wish I had a photo of the pledge’s expression when we dragged in the sheep…
You guys talk about fucking sheep like it’s bad or something.
I can’t remember, Yo. It’s been called so many things. Some of them are clever but some are just stupid.
Yeah, the phrases Cracka comes up with for your Nun’s twat are hilarious, while Yo Yo’s are always just disgusting.
TWAT!
I looked back through the comments, but nothing jumped out.
“You guys talk about fucking sheep like it’s bad or something”
Yeah, but how does the sheep feel about it?
Who gives a fuck?? It’s a fucking sheep!!
piss flaps are no fish mitten.
I dont think other countries should get a vote but I do think Americans should actually vote on real issues and not the wedge shit that gets brought up every 4 years. Who fucking cares if Adam is banging Steve and they want to get married? I don’t when I’m paying $4 a gallon for gas and the price of living increases are slow to come, and big companies are making money hand over fist while shipping jobs to India and Mexico.
http://stuffgodhates.wordpress.com/2008/08/31/ask-god-august/#comment-7041
best post on Nun’s gaping vaj ever made….
When I was younger, someone explained how to screw a sheep: “Loosen your boot tops and put the sheep’s rear feet in, that way, she won’t get away.”
I objected, “But what if I want to kiss her?”
Thanks, Ben!
Dirty great meat stick combined with Nun’s inside out manatee nestled in a briar patch …bleah, I think I just disgusted myself!
Josh, agreement. These political yahoos invent issues for us so they don’t have to do any hard thinking.
Billy Connolly’s famous line about New Zealand –
“Three million people and sixty-six million sheep. It’s a perverts’ paradise.”
Now we have four million people and half the number of sheep. A lot more cows though…
…for those with extra-large meat sticks
and now i quote from yo,
…aaand there goes my lunch
this conversation is disturbing….
“this conversation is disturbing…”
Why? Are you part sheep?
I hear Alaskans do it with Moose
So they do it on all fours?
You are all sick! How anyone of you can judge a young girl for her mistake is just beyond me!
God has already judged her Bridgette. We are just helping with the lynch party.
And you know what’s really sick? Christians who’d rather see women die of cancer than vaccinate young girls against the Human Papilloma Virus because it ‘might’ encourage sexual activity.
I’ll bet you’re into abstinence aren’t you Bridgette–no meat sticks have violated your ghastly gully in a long time!
Yet you judge everybody who doesn’t agree with you, Bridgette. Hypocritical much?
STFU fake Bridgette,
It’s not judging her it’s judging her holier than though mother. The same mom who cut funding for sex ed programs (Maybe if her daughter learned how to put the rubber on the banana then none of this would have happened), the same mom who preaches abstinence while her kid is fucking the hockey star.
I wonder if a she can’t control her own kids who will she run the nation. Luckily Obama refuses to talk about it. But if the shoe was on the other foot and one of his daughters were preggers that is all we would hear.
Smoggy,
Billy Connolly is the shit!!
Absolutely Nun–and his wife’s a New Zealander (and a damn good comedian herself)
To be fair, Josh, if one of Obama’s daughters were pregnant it would justifiably be news… they’re like 8 & 11 aren’t they?
Josh you a liberal who think you know everything but you do not. What you said is just ignorant!! PLENTY of girls who learn about condoms still get pregnant.
“I’ll bet you’re into abstinence aren’t you Bridgette–no meat sticks have violated your ghastly gully in a long time!”
LMFAO…
shut the fuck up Bridgette. you’re dumb.
Bridgette,
You are a conservative and you think you know everything but you do not. You say that Josh is ignorant but it’s really you that is ignorant. What’s really sad is you’re too ignorant to realize that you’re ignorant.
one of Obama’s daughters is pregnant? Oops! Just like those ghettos~! He can’t even teach his kids proper values then how can he be president?
Ignorant, ignorant, ignorant… the word has lost all meaning to me now.
Bridgette,
You’re an idiot. I’m not a liberal or a conservative, I look at each issue and judge it for myself you dumb rat cunt.
I don’t want my daughter getting preggers at 17, so I guess I’m conservative. I’m not gay, but I don’t think I should push my views on anyone, does that make me liberal or a conservative who just isn’t an asshole?
All I do know is if you don’t know about condoms you sure as hell can’t use them.
I learned all about condoms in school. Then I tried to use one and found out they were bullshit. I don’t believe in condoms or abstinence. I believe in valtrex and quickie abortions.
I just want to say that, no matter what anyone’s opinions are here, I think it is really cool totalk to people from all around the world about this shit. Smoggy is from fucking New Zealand! That’s on the other side of the world.
Bridgette, I hate you but I appreciate your dumb fucking opinions. More, more, more….
“PLENTY of girls who learn about condoms still get pregnant.” Yeah– and millions of boys and girls risk dying of aids because the Catholic Church says condom use is sinful.
Bristol’s bun in the oven is symptomatic of her mother’s wrong-headed approach to life–impose a spurious morality on sexuality and accidents happen. Which wouldn’t be such a big deal if they weren’t about to try and make Pitbull Palin the most powerful women in the world. Impose an end-times mentality on global politics and far worse accidents happen than Bristol’s fascinating foetus.
Shrivel up and die Bridgette–and consider it practice for when President HockeyMom fries the planet to facilitate Armageddon.
“Smoggy is from fucking New Zealand! That’s on the other side of the world.”
No it’s not! The fucking USA is on the other side of the world.
And you’re a day behind us…
Okay, okay. I admit it. It was me. It is my seed. I knocked up that redneck, moose-soup eatin skank. I didn’t enjoy it. She said she was a virgin but as as soon as we got goin’ I knew but couldn’t stop. The must have just picked up that dufus of the streets of Wassila.
Did you mistake her for a Moose, Zoose?
God,
This is completely off the topic and probably belongs in an ‘Ask God’ post but I love the sweet, sweet chiba and it kills brain cells so I’m not the smartest crayon in the box.
Why do you smite straight men with gay men voices? It really fucks with my gaydar, God.
Bridgette, Bridgette, Bridgette…
We’re not judging Bristol Palin, we’re judging her hypocritically Christian mother…you know the one the cut Alaska’s funding for single mother’s, that beleives God blessed the war in Iraq and Alaska’s $30 Billion pipeline. Like God wastes his time going around blessing piplines. We hate her mother for beleiving that abortion is wrong even in the case of risk to the death of the mother. Some idiot fundamentalist Christian mother may want to leave her 5 children with no mom but we don’t. We hate her for beleiving that she rape is not okay in the case of incest. You may beleive that some little girl has to carry her daddy’s of uncle Harry Ball’s baby to term but we don’t. We hate Gov. Palin for taking only 3 days off of maternity leave for her newly born son with down syndrome. What example does that set? She is wealthy enough to take 3 months off and if she were a wise leader and a good mother she would make it possible for poor mother’s to do the same and provide child care while they are at work…after all in her own words “Alaska is the richest state in the union.” We hate her because she accepted the VP nomination knowing it would expose not only Bristol but her whole family to the media spot light. It is hard enough being a 17-year old mother let alone without the media putting you under a microscope. We hate her because she doesn’t beleive in global warming - despite 94% of scientist in consensus on the subject. We hate her becasuse she abuses the power of her office to go after multiple civil servants. We hate her because she belittle’s community organizers like Barack and Michelle Obama (including moms in the PTA, civi association members and all those that do God’s work to better their community) in the speach that she had no hand in writing, we hate her because she asked “what does the Vice President do,” we hate her because she was mayor of an all-white town in a nearly all whaite state thousands of miles away from the lower -48 and has no clue what our needs or desires are. We hate her because she thinks living next to Russia gives her foreign policy experince. I live next to the Pentagon. Does that mean I have the experince to plan a war? We hate her because she cannot hold a flame to the talent or intelligence of Hillary Clinton or any of many other female political leaders across the country -democrat, republican, or other. And now Zeus will rest.
I don’t think the Republicans realized that Hillary is intelligent. I think they said “Wow!! Look how popular that vagina is!! We need to get a vagina on our ticket so we can get all the vaginal votes from the vaginas that were going to vote for that vagina!!”
Yeah–they clearly don’t know that there’s nothing more critical of a vagina than another vagina.
Zeus,
where do you find the time to write a comment that long….
oh and its 443 words long…..
don’t ask…
Nice one Zeus. And we hate her because she’s an anti-science loony whose attitudes would put us all back in the 15th century, burning witches and dying at thirty-five.
Smoggy has left the building.
God,
It sounds like you’re a little jealous of Bristol’s boyfriend for hitting that first. I’m not judging but I’m glad your fury is back.
http://allweirdnews.com/baby-for-sale-on-ebay-baby-for-sale/
Cooper….please tell me that isn’t your fucking website. No wait, it must be. You didn’t introduce that story or anything, you just posted a link. You fucking fuck.
“shut the fuck up Bridgette. you’re dumb.”
Ben, don’t just curse at Bridgette like that, it was mean. She is still, after all, a woman and a human being, right? Well, I don’t mean to talk to you Ben bc I’m afraid you’ll curse me out too, so anyway.
“PLENTY of girls who learn about condoms still get pregnant.”
Bridgette, I’m not even religious, and I see the huge mistake that girl made. I mean, she’s not even 18 yet. Call me old fashioned, but I don’t think you should have sex until you’re 18, in America, anyway. I mean, these girls aren’t mature at all. And for her mom to be preaching all this other crap while she can’t even control her own daughter is ridiculous. I’m not saying it’s wrong to have sex before 18, bc you can pretty much have it after 12, but the way you defend condoms is just ridiculous.
I’m all for pro choice, but I do think that teens should have less sex. I think a healthy sex life is good, but given the risk of pregnancy, I do think that you shouldn’t have it unless you are ready to take care of a child in case you do end up pregnant. So if I had a child, my rule would be that he/she cannot have sex until they are capable of raising a child, even if they are not planning to. My best friend had an abortion, and it was obviously a very painful experience for her, and I just hope no one has to go through it. But I do support that over bringing a child into your life when you are incapable of raising one. Anyway.
Since my Girlfriend has been widowed, does that make it ok? It’s post-marital, right?
By the way God, you created it, so you’d hit it, right?
Christian - No, that does not make it ok. GET. MARRIED.
As to your second question, yes, I would most definitely hit that.
Jesus, I take a few days vacation and I’m SO out of the loop.
God, I would love to have married sex, but there’s the whole “marriage is between one man and one woman” thing that my husband of 11 years and I don’t quite fit into. So now, I can’t have anal (well, yes but only in secret) and I can’t have sex because we both have dicks, because I’m not married, and I can’t masturbate because I might commit the sin of Onad.
FUCK!!!!!
These rules suck!! Sorry, please don’t smite me for my frustration.
Go Palin!! ( yeah, not really, but that ought to stir some shit).
God bless Bridgette!!
You actually are utterly and completely fucked aren’t you Curtis?
As I see it you’ve got two options.
1. Convert to honest hetero-normativity and give up your evil sodomite ways.
2. Come down here to New Zealand and find yourself a sweet-natured sheep.
God tends to ignore people down here on the world’s arse–he’s too busy propping up the rePUBIClans and creationistas like Ken Ham-packer.
Noo Zillunders elected the worlds first transexual politician, and there’s a fudge-packer in there as well–we’re gonna get such a smiting when God finds out!
We’ll get married if You marry us Yourself–no intermediary priests, ministers or judges. Only You
creativecat
You want to be married by God directly? Are you mad? He’s just finished snacking on tons of KFC and whole swimming-pools of beer. He’s going to be doing divine farts like you wouldn’t believe. Even the archangels have cleared out for Limbo until he has a dump. And you seriously want to stand in the divine presence? Just don’t light any matches is my advice!
Actually God, if you are planning on having a dump anytime soon, the Excel-Energy Centre Arena in Saint Paul is big and potty-shaped, and it’s already half full of shit from what I’ve heard.
“I don’t think the Republicans realized that Hillary is intelligent.”
I believe every shred of intelligence she might have had was negated by her stance on video games being a factor behind violent crime. Classic idiot stance of dodging the actual problem and taking the easy scapegoat.
Dear God,
I’m not married, so I’ve chosen the life of chaste abstinence just like you’ve asked and boy has it been hard!
I’m new to this site though, so just wanted to know. What’s your stance on masturbation and whacking off to porn? I mean if I can’t get it on with my girlfriend, couldn’t I at least get it on with myself?
Yours Truly,
Dominick
Dominick,
Definitely NOT unless you want to end up like Tim Russert …
http://stuffgodhates.wordpress.com/2008/08/15/god-on-the-bible-genesis-386-10
I say go ahead and do it, and I answer this because I’d make a better god than that guy on this blog who calls himself God.
As for Bristol and Levi, wait until you’re both 18, then fuck each other’s brains out, and HARD!.
of all the afternoons to miss, i miss the one where bridgette condemns people for judging teen pregnancy…wow. just when i thought her hypocrisy had stretched as far as it possibly could.
5 p.m. today, huh, God? anyone got any suggestions on how i should cash in my prayer request?
is that 5 p.m. eastern?
Uppity,
Powerball is at 96 million.
Personally I would ask for either super powers or to become God’s Angle of Death.
what is the death angle at these days? 45 degrees?
FACE, FUCKER!!!
Ha!
Death Angle!
Ha!
SHUt UP JOSH
iambetterthannobody,
are you out of your fucking mind? you could do better than God? that’s total bullshit. you’re not funny OR smart. you stink
Cracka,
He said 5 p.m. your time. Am I the only one that pays attention to our Lord?? I think you should ask for a waiver against bad behavior. That way you can get away with doing something that God hates and He won’t smite you for it.
And poor, poor Josh… I wonder how many degrees God’s Angle of Death is.
Aww Man!!! My FACE came after Cracka’s FACE and it’s the same kind of FACE. Lame.
You should have swore at him, Ben.
eh. blow it out your fucking twat. QUEEF!
Jeez, Ben. That was really mean.
boo-hoo! Ben’s so mean! he curses at people! well maybe Ben has taken enough of your shutups and he’s not taking shit anymore! fuck you!
ben…i think it’s time for another timeout. so, shut up.
iambetterthanyou,
i’m afraid ben is right (ben is right?) you, my arrogant friend, haven’t been funny at all. if you have made some funny comments, please direct us to them and we may reevaluate our rejection of you as a human being. but, probably not.
nun, i think you’re onto something with this exemption thing. imagine if i could do all the really fun sinning without fear of smitation? wait a minute, smitation. i like that.
Yeah, you’re just an asshole now. I was never one of the ones who told you to shut up but I will now… SHUT THE FUCK UP!! If you can’t do that, go find a Cheerio and have a good ol’ time shoving your tiny little dick into the tiny little hole. Just don’t cum or God will smite you.
ok cracka. shutting up.
haha. ben pleasures himself with cheerios.
I get it my spelling sucks. It’s not even worth a FACE anymore. FACEing me for that is like punching a retard in the throat.
Maybe Nun should be faced for posting anonymous again and again. Enable cookies dummy!!!
huh.
Way to make an ass out of yourself, Josh. I’m not the anonymous.
josh must be having one of his off days. you never know with him. redeem yourself with racism, josh. racism is always funny.
whats even worse nun, I spelled dummy like this first “dumby” Thats horrible. Luckily I caught that one.
Uppity,
I’m just tired, I had to work till 1 AM last night then I had to
get up early to go to the baby doctor before work.
That is lucky you caught that, Josh. You would have looked like a dumbass if you’d posted that. I wouldn’t have FACED you though. I would have pointed and laughed at you.
By the way, when I do post as anonymous, which I’ve been known to do, I give myself away by promptly cursing myself out under my given name of ‘Nun’. My cookies are enabled but I do dump them from time to time.
Are you pregnant Josh??
my wife is knocked up.
did anyone watch McCain’s speech? I loved how protesters got on TV with signs like “You can’t win an occupation” and “McCain votes against vets”
What if McCain gets elected then Iran President Ahmadinejad and North Korean leader Kim Jong say they will stop their nuclear progress if the US president gives them both a high 5. Then we’re fucked because McOld can’t get his arm up past shoulder hight.
yeah, the world will tremble in fear and surrender if that old crooked face threatens them just once. that’s what’s funny about the right. they seem to think no one else has military advisors.
I refuse to let Republicans stink up my TV so I didn’t watch.
That’s a shame about your wife, Josh. I hope you kicked the ass of the guy who did that to her.
did you find the guy that knocked up your wife? i do have one smite prayer in the bag.
dude, nun, you FACED my FACE after i FACED.
then i FACED your FACE after you FACED.
weird.
Nun,
I heard there is a very speacial spot on a woman’s body that if you touch it just right she will spontaneously abort; of course when you touch it she has to be standing at the top of a flight of stairs.
Josh
dear god.
long time no speak.
I address this same issue here:
http://www.dailykos.com/story/2008/9/5/1850/26837/357/587471
I have been inspired by your holy of holies, and decided to become a bloggered myself!
I watch all the RNC speeches online while at work, it’s a ‘know your enemy’ type thing.
Weird, Cracka. Can you imagine the spawn if we bred?? Yikes!!
There is a spot like that, Josh. Most people fuck the whole thing up though, you have to use a fair amount of pressure when you push that “special spot”.
Okay… I’m worried about coming off as really stupid but I have a vagina so I guess that will be no surprise to anybody who posts here. I don’t know how to post the links. God always hooks my links up but God is a busy fella… I sure wouldn’t mind knowing how to do it myself so I don’t have to make God fix all my links.
Can anybody help this poor, little vagina??
Nun,
Just copy the link and paste it in the body of your post.
The divine setting’s God has chosen for this blog will automatically input the link.
Thanks, Josh!! You big strong male with a huge massive penis. See how grateful and sweet I am when somebody helps me?
Now I’m disgruntled because I thought God was doing me special favors but it seems God doesn’t care about me at all!!
We really should stop picking on the Palin’s after all, Palin is certainly qualified, right Karl Rove? and we shouldn’t talk about Bristol. It is a family matter, right Papa Bear Bill O’? And any discussion that Gov. Palin is unqualified or picking on her is sexist, right Dick Morris? http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/09/04/jon-stewart-hits-karl-rov_n_123852.html
Aww! Poor nun! We’ll take care of ya!
God, thank you so much for reminding me why I’ll be voting for Obama this year. I will now make sure to pass by your house today and pray for the soul of the cum-dumpster Bristol Palin for she will need plenty of prayers when she enters Sex Hell.
I like it how VP nominee Palin was knocked up when she got married. I love the hypocrisy of it all.
‘ cum-dumpster’ - LOL!
Now that Sen. Clinton is out of the race, I think all the democrats that supported her will naturally change their vote to McCain because of Palin. I mean, it just makes sense!
Issues smissues - I’m voting for the chick!
In all seriousness, I love Jon Stewart. I love his show, I love his humor, I love that he’s smart. Jon Stewart is one of the gems in this world. One of the people that I would really, really, really like to meet. So, if any one of you jackasses(Josh) knows Jon Stewart… send him my way. Please.
Yo Yo,
Are you trying to get me to compliment your huge massive schlong?
Vaginas always vote for fellow vaginas. Silly gay.
“You are all sick! How anyone of you can judge a young girl for her mistake is just beyond me!”
-Bridgette, 119
Yeah, Bridgette let’s leave family matters out of politics. As Mr. Mathews put is best: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/09/04/chris-matthews-vs-pat-buc_n_124047.html
If that is what your about Nun, I certainly could take the form of Jon Stewart, hmm? <:)
Jon Stewart is funny and smart. He’s much more than a pretty package. If you can take the form of Jon’s body and his personality, I’ll never leave your side, Zeus. Make sure that’s what you want before you do that… I can be a handful and I’m not just talking about my titties.
Nun, are saying you’re high maintence? Remember the word of God. “To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed” (Titus 2:5).
God’s Second Cousin, Twice Removed
Zeus
Nun, well, yeah!
Nun, Thank God! The LAST thing we want is some half black Muslim sympathizing tree hugger in the White House! Geez - we’re trying to DESTROY the US, not save it.
No more change! No more change! Vote McBush!
Curtis,
Don’t forget he is an elitist, arugala-eater who travels to the “too exotic…foreign” state of Hawaii and wants to negotiate with hostile nations. You don’t negotiate with enemies, you nuke them.
Zeus,
No, I wouldn’t say I’m high-maintenance. I’m actually aloof and not very emotional which pisses guys off… fucking pussies. What I mean is I have a strong sex-drive… I’d never leave you alone, dude.
Yo Yo,
Hook me up with Jon Stewart and I’ll sing the praises of your weiner from the mountain tops.
Curtis,
I never look at the issues, I just look to see whether the candidate has a vagina or not. That’s how I cast my vote.
Vote Vagina in 2008!!
Dear God, I am 22 and I am waiting until I get married. What will I receive on my wedding night? Inquiring minds want to know!
Good points, Zeus. Arugala! How unpatriotic can you get?
There you go, Nun. What do the issues matter?
Dear Devoted. Probably a very small penis. Just a guess.
Nun,
All this talk about “voting” has got my “ballot” all swol up!
Tony, you’re a pervert.
My “ballot” is pretty swolled up too.
I’m a pervert as well.
Nun,
I love that! High sex drive, aloof! Excellent.
Insert your filled “ballot” in the box. Excellent one God’s Press Secretary!
Hey! No stuffing the ballot box!
now, it’s just a free for all of weirdness.
Maybe I should have been dating deities all this time instead of pussy-ass mortals who get all upset and hurt because I’m an aloof and emotionless freak.
Jon Stewart can stuff my ballot box anytime he wants.
i heart poop.
Devoted Follower,
If you’re lucky, you may either get your ballot boxed or your box balloted, depending on which way your junk goes.
Jesus,
I go eat lunch and when I come back people are talking about Jon. I don’t know him personally, I do know (through parties and bar hanging out) some people who work for his show. That does noone any good. If you come to NYC hit me up and I can see if I can get tickets (but it’s pretty hard)
Josh
Aloofness doesn’t make you a freak, but I do like a “freak.” I dated my share of aloof women. They ussually don’t stay that way for too long. I’m as patient as a turtle. That, I think, helps and as long as there is ugly bumpin’ at least once a day I’m good. If not, I get cranky.
if you don’t know him personally, shouldn’t you refer to him as mr. stewart, sir? you showbiz types are so pretentious. i think i’m still going to kill you after all, josh.
Ha God,
Some of these whores who offend you with their blatant unmarried fucking…do you have any names and phone numbers of the ones in the northeast Florida region?
Just curious…..
Uppity,
If he wasn’t a comedian then I’d call him Mr. Stewart or by his full name, but since he is and I’ve seen him in the clubs and stood next to him I just call him Jon. Plus he’s a Jew so how much respect am I supposed to give him? When you work in the same venues as those guys the mystic is gone. I call Chris Rock, just Chris! And he’s small too! and fucking quiet when not on stage.
I do refer to Denzel Washington as Mr. Washington.
I agree with Cracka, Josh. Referring to him as you do makes it sound like you know him. Ditto about pretentiousness.
Zeus,
I have a tendency to attract emotional guys and aloofness doesn’t sit well with them. It’s why I’ve decided that casual sex is better than being in a relationship with a guy who has a bigger vagina than I do.
And once a day is a good start but sometimes, it’s just not enough.
You know what was fun in watching the GOP convention (at least as much as I could tolerate), playing “Where’s Waldo?” except this was “Where’s the Minority?” I think I saw 3.
Nun,
That is why I said “at least.” Casual sex is great too, although most women I have met want the wine and dine and the at the very least, the promise of emotional commitment.
i played that game, too. take a shot every time you see a black person. i didn’t get drunk.
just lie to them, zeus. fuck those bitches.
Wheat Thin,
You don’t lie to women. It’s not convincing. They can sniff it out. It’s best to slightly convince yourself you may be emotially interested. Then dish out some material as if you were emotinally interested based upon previous experinces where you were emotionally interested. I’m not talking about calling them every night and spooging crap about how much you like them, love letters, flowers and that B.S. Call sporadicaly, pay occasional compliments. That way when you do, it means more. Along with a few physical techniques that can’t be explained on a blog. I should write a book. Once your done with the relationship then it’s easy to withdraw yourself.
Wheat Thin,
If you were aiming to get drunk you played the wrong game. You should have taken a shot whenever you saw and old white guy. They would have been pumping your stomach this morning. I’m not sure if that was the GOP convention or the Minnesota chapter of the AARP convention.
maybe you should write a book on how to be a pretend god that no one believes in anymore.
FACE
Zeus said: “Casual sex is great too, although most women I have met want the wine and dine and the at the very least, the promise of emotional commitment.”
Pfft… those women are pussies too.
Shut Up Wheat Thin!
Hell yeah Nun! Why can’t girls be more like guys regarding rodgering? I blame the current Christian conservatives and American puritanical heritage. Why the hell is sex on TV more outrageous then violence on TV? It’s the opposite in Europe. I like TV in Europe. It’s worth watching.
I just got back from the local fusion restaurant, Casa Hadasa. As you might guess, it’s Mex/Jewish.
O, the heartburn! I thing I’m going to plotz!
Zeus,
I read a news story about coeds ‘hooking up’ with men at college for casual sex: “Meet me in my room at 10 PM”.
Where was this when I was in college?!
I like just about everything in Europe… except for Posh and Becks being put on some kind of pedestal. I tend to really dislike American views on most things. And yes, girls suck when it comes to sex. Most of them can’t even distinguish sex from love and there is a difference. I prefer sex. Love makes me ill.
hahaha. now that Zeus has completely abandoned his ‘Zeus’ character, it’s funny
“girls suck when it comes to sex”
I can only dream
Yo Yo said: ““girls suck when it comes to sex””
Some do, Yo. Maybe you didn’t marry very well.
As a wise man once said, “You can teach them to cook, but can’t teach them to fuck.”
nun, has your vagina ever tried to eat you?
Very incredibly unpleasant jew looks like yo yo ma ma’s inbred country cousin
That is quite possible.
Cracka said that she had a “fire-breathing dragon snatch.”
Well, the way he said it, it could either be:
1. A snatch comparable to a fire-breathing dragon.
or.
2. A snatch that a fire-breathing dragon would have.
No, Jew. My vagina prefers to be eaten. Thanks for your question.
hey guys! remember that time ben was funny?
me neither.
STF, Ben.
Poor Ben. Everybody drank Ben Hator-Ade today.
Ben,
Just because I ussually spend my time lying around screwing virgins (or sneaking up to them as a bull and screwing them), eating goats, and drinking wine, doesn’t mean that’s all I have to talk about. Jeez, I am not some kind of shallow diety. That would be completely freakin’ boring!
Now Shut Up!
I think today is just a FACE-a-thon. I was faced, Ben, Zeus.
Shut up Josh
Nun - isn’t that every day? I get straight up abused and pissed on around here. someday i’m going to get back at all of you. i should start my own blog where I’m in charge.
That would be one crap bag lame blog.
Why is Gov. Palin so obsessed with laying pipe?
i’m sorry ben but i have to agree with Zeus.
and Zeus its obvious, she a fucking retard.
Ben,
You don’t get pissed on. Not here anyway. If any of us are into watersports, we’ve not admitted it yet. You do get treated pretty badly though… jeez Ben, what did you do to make everybody hate you so?
Zeus,
Because she’s a WHORE.
yeah Zeus what nun said…… and what i said………
I’d say Ben gets treated as badly as everybody else around here. This is an equal opportunity get crapped on blog.
Nun, that was more rhetorical. I know she’s a whore. She’s an expensive whore though. ‘Cause it’s a $30 billon pipe.
Random, that was deep man…real deep.
fuck you Zeus. and shut up nun. and get lost random guy.
I hate it when some random guy shows up and wants to party. you loser.
ben just shut up no one cares about your “sensitive” feelings…
God,
Can you clarify something for me? In the following videos Gov Palin says Iraq is “God’s war”. Is that true?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L4LjsfWbZLA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SQq4b5IQhq8
Also her speech wasn’t written by Karl Rove so this one sucks.
NO! I will NOT shut up. Damn you, Ben!!
haha i’m not serious. jeez. just proving what zeus said - everyone gives everyone shit here. welcome to the party random douche.
you gotta dole out the “shut ups” and “fuck yous” one at a time. They have much more comical impact singulary.
What? I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you over my sobs of heartbrokenness.
I don’t know about anybody else but I hope that Ghostbusters III script is going to be good enough for Bill Murray to approve. If it’s not, I hope Mr. Murray tells them to kiss his ass.
poor nun…..
calm down ben…
and do us all a favor and…
SHUT UP!!!!!!!!
and I’m sure the script is terrible nun.
GB 3, it has to be one master pickle fuck. GB 2 was borderline.
nun - none of the originals are going to be in it, they are only ‘aware’ of it. it’s gonna be all new people like the new star trek movie and batman and all that stuff.
Zeus you must be kidding me. GB2 was awesome! you’re just jealous cause you lost out to Vigo.
Ben,
That is not accurate. Where did you hear that? Hudson, Ramis and Aykroyd are all willing. Murray is reserving his a-okay until the script is done which is being written by some dude that writes for The Office.
And yeah, GB2 was pretty fucking cool. I liked it.
Whatever, that script was trash. They go with a 16-century tyrant named Vigo Von Homburg Deutschendorfenpoop when they could have had a god! I’m not jealous. Shut up Ben!
It came know where near the greatness the was GB I.
“no where”…whatever it’s Friday.
It didn’t but what or who is going to be better than a 100 foot marshmallow guy?? I think a walking Statue of Liberty that’s spurred into action by happy slime is pretty fucking cool.
I dunno the happy slime kinda nuked the fridge.
I posted some link to Sara Palin videos and now they are “awaiting moderation” man that sucks.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L4LjsfWbZLA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SQq4b5IQhq8
God,
Can you clarify something for me? In the above videos Gov Palin says Iraq is “God’s war”. Is that true?
Also her speech wasn’t written by Karl Rove so this one sucks.
Josh, seen it. She’s wacka doodle and so is her church. Rev. Wright pales in comparison to their interpretation of the Bible.
fear the marsh mellow man!!!!!! from gb1
Randy,
That was pretty fucking random. You look like an angry smurf
http://bluebuddies.com/Smurfs_Color_Smurfs_Pictures-52.htm
thats why my name is RANDOM guy
Zeus,
That was cranky slime that nuked the fridge. Remember, you could make the slime happy by playing 60s rock and roll. That’s how the Lady of NY came to life.
Haha… everybody realizing that Ray brought the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man to life in GB1… CLASSIC!!
Smurfs are kind of creepy.
nun,
yes they are VERY creepy…….VERY creepy……..
Very, very creepy even. I had a friend who used to draw smurfs taking all kinds of drugs… it was the only time I’ve ever liked smurfs.
wow…….
is your friend a crack head?
still it sounds kinda interesting
No, pothead. And it was interesting… but I was high.
Nun-
No one in Europe puts Posh and Becks up on a pedestal. Maybe in England, but anywhere else, people really couldn’t care less about any of them. Beck-ham wasn’t even that good a player outside of England. Why do you think they went to the US in the first place?
Supposedly first son Track was named for where he was conceived.
Hey God,
A little late on this but I think everyone’s missing the point here. Willow Palin is the hot piece in that family, any expectation on when she’ll start to react to her abstinence training? I’m trying to hit that before Zeus.
-SM