Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
Today I spent all day and all night playing this videogame sent to Me by one of My minions:
At first I was thrilled. I love what the creators did in how they depict Me. In the game I look strong and have powerful moves. However, after playing for the last 15 hours straight, I have been unable to advance past that clit-cutting sand-fucker Mohammed. See, he does this thing where he turns invisible and before I know it My character is dead. It doesn’t matter what difficulty level I play on either.
Now before I get the inevitable question - how could you lose God? Aren’t you all-powerful? Yes, this is true. I don’t have to lose, but I like to suspend My powers while I play games that intrigue Me. It kind of takes the fun out of the diversion when you know you can’t lose. But back to the point.
I need help beating that terrorist asshole Mohammed. Is anyone here good at videogames? I have no trouble bitchslapping the rest of the competition with My Right Cross and My Pillar of Fire, I’m just struggling to beat that fugly dune coon Mohammed. I command you, My Followers, to play this game and defeat the enemies of the LORD.
If you do happen to get past that butt-fucking faggot Mohammed, I will reward you by granting you one wish-prayer of your choosing.
CARIDAD on 
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Fuck that trash on 
You’re on, Old Man!
When You turn Your Powers off, You’re pretty lame. Xenu, Dictator of the Galactic Confederacy, isn’t even that hard to beat.
It’s Alfonso Ribiero from Silver Spoons.
you know God, you better be careful about what you say about Mohammed, blessed be his name. He just might track you down and stab you in the heart.
DAMN YOU ALL!! WHERE ARE MY RESULTS?! WHO HAS DEFEATED MOHAMMED FOR ME?!
“fugly dune coon”
oh, that’s funny.
alfonso ribiero found some work! that’s good to know.
I’m The Final Boss, and I am invincible!
I have defeated him!!
After you play the game for the 500th time, God can summon a teddy bear that stares directly at Mohammed and makes him piss on his pants, making him defenceless
http://yaprouworld.files.wordpress.com/2007/10/alfonso-ribeiro-museum-of-the-moving-images-tribute-to-will-smith-tgeui0.jpg
he can’t even to the carlton anymore. i’m very upset.
I beat him to.
Just feed him the ham sandwich.
http://carltontomjonesdance.ytmnd.com/
it’s weird when people’s heads get fatter exponentially faster than their bodies do. why God why?!
If I were on this game I would kick ass. This game is stupid. Yet somehow I can’t stop playing, crap.
Uppity, are you suffering from a fat head and skinny body? Do you look like a Bratz doll?
Oh, cracka, I get it. Carlton has a fat head. But he sure as hell doesn’t look like Bratz doll. The absence of his neck makes him look like a black Grimmace.
not me, i’m devastatingly handsome.
God,
Why play the shittiest religion game? please play Bible Fight! Granted you can not play as yourself until you beat the game, but you can play as one of your servants or even your gay son.
http://www.adultswim.com/games/biblefight/
Josh
PS - Lucy’s character represents in this game.
Cracka - good question. I will address it in this month’s Ask God.
Zeus - This is one of the reasons I love this game. You are not in it. You see how unimportant you are? You didn’t even make the cut for Faith Fighters. They have like 5 asian gods and no you. HA!
Josh - It’s not a shitty game, it’s a good one. You can play as Me, and, I can only assume, actually win. I looked at Bible Fight, and while that game has good artwork, and while I enjoy that I can thwomp ass on Eve and Mary as Noah, and while I like that I am the final big boss, I DO NOT like how you can play as Satan and win. This is an impossibility.
Plus that game is way too hard.
Satanus - because you were the first to beat Mohammed, you get one prayer-wish. However, because you are an asshole and I hate you, you don’t get it.
Now, I demand you all post a number of other good games starring the LORD.
Either do this, or create other games and or diversions that might amuse Me, for I am bored. NOW SNAP TO IT!
This game is stupid. Jesus is such a panzy with all his jumping around he sure can’t take a punch AND Anne Johnson what the hell is with the flying Spaghettin Monster while I’m fighting Jesus??! Such a Panzy! And the “Mystery” being………wait for it…. Xenu. That crap fest of a Tom Cruise lovin’, aliens in volcanoes, sci fi/western author “religion.” God, you’ll be happy to know that as you, I beat the crap out of Xenu.
Aww, crap Luci beat me to it. Damn it.
Zeus, I would have pulled you out of mythhood and given you some real believers too. Too bad Satanus beat that shitty game first.
i’m at work, where everything fun on the internet is blocked (except for this). when i get home i could post all kinds of funsies. however, i will probably be drunk and playing mariokart or madden.
amen.
Crap, crap, crappity crap. Who the hell needs believers….damn it. Well, I still got My Olympic Games every two years. Although, I hate My Winter Games the two man luge and figure skating is gay and the cold causes shrinkage.
Yo pops,
How about some wholesome Christian shit for a mufukkin change?
http://www.christiananswers.net/kids/menu-act.html
Word is bond.
Alas, it is the same for me, Cracka. Stupid IT guys.
If God would only bless me with unlimited income, then I would gladly play video games for his glory all day long.
How about we think up more ways to mock Mohammed.
Like, where does he keep finding all these virgins he’s handing out? and how come he doesn’t fuck them first? Does he fuck them, but just in the bungerhole?
What DID the real prophet mohammed look like? Was he really ugly? Is that why he didn’t want people to depict him?
Please don’t tell me to shut up cracksa. I think I’ve raised some valid questions of inquiry here.
shut up, dead ben.
Jesus, that web site is so stupid. I wouldn’t let my many offspring play those stupid games because their IQ is higher than 2.
Neb,
Good questions.
If I am banging all the virgins as , myself, or a goose, or a bull, where does he get them. Must be China because aside from My Olympics I’m not much for the Asian women. But I do think a rump in the trunk still retains virginhood.
I think Mo was on acid all the time which is why all Islamic art is swirlies and random crap…but maybe he was ugly.
Oh, and shutup.
i love how the female posters have disappeared. they saw the word ‘videogame’ and now we will never see them again. swweeet!
“clit-cutting sand-fucker”
“clit-cutting sand-fucker”
I would like to say that that is the best term i have ever heard to lob at someone from the militant muslim world. goodbye the phrase ‘towel-head,’ you were always just a stopgap insult. Thanks God!
neb,
do me a favor and STFU. Thanks.
Maybe the female posters are out because it seems every post now just ends up making fun of Chinese people, or Mulsim people, or someother group.
What orgasmically challenged poor bastard started that in the first place?!! Jeesh, I can imagine some pitiful bastard Sultin couldn’t get his wife off and felt so like the pitiful dejected useless man that he was that he sent forth an edict, “henceforth all clitorisis shall be severed upon reaching the age of 14!” Pitiful bastards. I love clitorisis or is it clitori?
no, they got to the clit cutting part and mentally checked out, went to their happy place, which is easy for nun because she her giant, sloppy twot is hyperclimactic.
clitorises
“because her…”
Check out his idiot losing his arm to a crocodile. The Chinese sure didn’t win the Gold in this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F_JbI_d0Xdc&feature=related
Josh,
what a fucking PC dorkwad you are. you would be the kind of cowardly douche who would poke dave chappelle. why josh? cause he did too much racist humor?
and what are you trying to say anway? you actually think Jewish God doesn’t hate Mohammed??!? after all the shit that has gone down between his chosen people and those sand-fuckers. you’re just a coward, period end of story. even on the internet!
face
Hey Neb:
videogame player = dude who can’t get laid
Which is why they appeal to God.
shut up…um….shut up…uh….josh, i guess.
i don’t know, johnson. pretty much all dudes like video games and some dudes get some. so, there’s gotta be some crossover there.
true, if no dude who played video games got laid, the population would plummet. But what’s this about God wasting his time on a video game? I’ll bet he could have saved 25 kids from dying of cancer in the time it took him to figure out how to get to level three.
Damn it Johnson! I’m all off drinking wine and eating goats yesterday evening and your in here spreading lies about me liking cattle prods and spreading all manner of heebeejeebee junk germs. Lies! I tell you, lies! Ok, I do like the cattle prods.
But what about you? First your a nudist then your not, then you from Fredneck (Frederick) and then your not. What the crap?!
I do wish I’d won that game first. My wish would be for GOD to smite you and that silly Spaghetti & Meatballs god of yours good and hard.
Johnson you must of missed the post about how GOD hates kids with cancer. It was one of Bridgette’s favs.
I love video games.
I believe God has mentioned Sims before but if He hasn’t, He should try playing. There’s no better way to play God. You can use the cheats to make it rain fire or kill people with a swarm of flies… ahh… good times, good times. I especially like it when I refuse to let my Sims have any fun and they go crazy from all the stress.
you could always post your request on the smitings page. God likes to smite.
Yeah, what was the bullshit about Frederick anyway. Is Anne trying to out God and if so, what would be the purpose of doing so. I hated it when they showed the old man behind the curtain in The Wizard of Oz.
God is God. that’s all we need to know. if you ruin the fun we will have to smite you ourselves.
Yeah, Frederick sucks anyway. Its one mass ex-urban sprawl and of gay antique stores and there is only one redeeming coffee shop. GOD please smite Fredneck…I mean Frederick.
Agreed. We have her picture, we know she’s in Frederick. Don’t fuck with our fantasy and don’t compromise our God’s Divine Identity.
Or Divine Identities… as the case may be.
Why thank you Nun.
Anne Johnson - You are an idiot. I repeat, I will not smite you, as you are obviously an attention whore blatantly begging for one.
Nun - I love playing Sims. Especially locking My Sims in a room and letting them starve to death. Maybe that’s why I’ll do to Anne Johnson. SHIT! All I can do is think of ways to smite her.
But I….will…not!!!
No Neb,
I wasn’t mad at DC for making racist jokes. I think racist jokes are funny, when they are smart like in God’s blog. But when internet cowards like you who use fake fucking names (and then call me a coward) just spew racial epitaphs with no wit or finesse is just fucking corny and annoying.
Take that you clit cutting dune coon.
Josh
I do that too, God!! I like to have Sims come over and visit me and then I slowly murder them by starvation. I also like to make Sims go swimming and then take away the pool ladder… oh, the panic and fear. It makes me feel powerful and great. I also like to make my Sims have affairs while their significant others are in close proximity. It makes me smile when Sims cry.
When I play SimsCity, the aliens are always attacking. Sims games are great for God complexes.
that would have been a total face if josh knew the difference between an epithet and an epitaph.
Okay, Frederick is where that guy lived who they “said” sent the anthrax around. There’s a big bioweapons lab up in the mountains near Frederick. How do I know? I’m from those mountains. But don’t tell anyone.
So what’s your problem, Zeus? Your knowledge of mountains begins and ends with Olympus? At least you’re big enough to admit it about the cattle prod.
As for me trying to outdo God, forget it. I don’t even smite the ants in my kitchen. And I don’t send ghosts out to rape 13-year-olds. And I don’t spend the best part of the day trying to kick Mohammad’s ass.
And if my kid talked like Jesus, I’d duct tape his mouth shut and Norton the crap outta his computer.
Smite her, God. Just do it. I have no idea where she was going with the Frederick remark but I believe it was an attempt at garnering attention for herself and who knows, it might have been some kind of threat that has no business on God’s Divine Blog.
“here lies one fugly-ass dune coon”
josh “not anonymous” something or other
born one day
smited 08-27-2008
Fuck!!!!
God Damned auto spell corrector on this MAC!!!!!!
Well, now I know… good one, Anne.
“here lies a stinky chinaman named josh”
faced on 08-27-2008
Uh oh, they “say” they caught the guy that did it…but did he really? Johnson were you in on it? Johnson do you work at Ft. Detrick? You are so cruisin’ down I-70 to Smitingville with all that suff that GOD does. Well, I guess that they are true but that is what makes GOD great.
“smelly chink josh, beloved faggot, spic and wop-dago-greaseball.”
“here lie the mortal remains of black-faced josh. the nigger boy was a good slave and will be missed”
I think when God’s Divine Blog starts becoming offensive to the reader, the reader should cease reading God’s Divine Blog. I am a fag-hag and the mother of a mixed race child but I recognize humor when I see it.
Yes, Cracka. We realize you can hurtle racial slurs as well, you just really suck at it.
I’ve done virgins of every race, religion, and ethnicity and I’m certainly not offended.
Cracka, you really do suck at racial slurs. There has got to be some sort of neo-nazi dictionary out there for you.
yeah, maybe you’re right. i’ll leave the racial slurs to God. but, you gotta admit, josh walked right into the racial epitaph thing. i was kind of going for the campy, corny, stupid humor. should i practice more out here in the real world?
if anyone can link me to a neo-nazi dictionary i’d really appreciate it.
God is withholding his smiting from me because he thinks I want it too much. What a tease, you god you.
God’s blog is effing hilarious, just saying dune coon is weak.
Sad thing is Cracka’s has a lot of self hate and wishes he was white, but all he will ever be is Puerto Rican. At least you have a parade in NYC where you can rape all the women you can chloroform.
Nun,
You like dark meat? Who knew?
oh, she purposefully lower case G’d God…sneaky johnson.
you guys got any racial epitaphs that work? “here lies a clit-cutting sand-fucker”?
Josh,
Cracka roofies his women, I think he’s made that abundantly clear.
As for the meat I prefer, I have no preference. I’m one of those people that looks at the character and not the color of the skin. However, I do pass on small cocks which leaves the Asians out… sorry you tiny-penised, slant-eyes.
“all he’ll ever be is puerto rican”
i like that, josh…maybe i was wrong about you.
oh, tiny-penised slant-eyes, that is funny. i think i’m starting to get it now.
Deities make the best lovers.
Cracka said: “oh, tiny-penised slant-eyes, that is funny.”
Cracka,
That is not humor. It is the sad truth.
Saltine,
Depending upon where u live, I’d leave the slurs to the blogosphere. Perhaps in your Puerto Rican trailerpark it is acceptable to call somebody a sand monkey (arab), peking duck (gay chinese), or queer steer (gay Texan) but out here in the real world your lible to get a smack down or at least not be able to run for political office…that is unless you’re David Duke.
Cracka is a Triscuit; he tries to pass himself off as a cracker but is still just brown.
No even triscuits are too fancy…let’s go with Ritz. Fancy name but a TPT cracker.
those are good, zeus. helluva lot better than “chink”. guess i never thought about this having grown up in the whitest, coldest place in america. it was all pontoon lips this and porch monkey that. lame. now that you mention it, my geneology is mostly scandinavian with some french and sicilian thrown in. we all recall the scene in true romance where dennis hopper points out to christopher walken that sicily was conquered by the moors. “sicilians were spawned by niggers. how do you like that? you’re half eggplant. so, i’m not all white after all.
But Ritz are yellow, that would be the case if Cracka was Chinese, or Japanese or one of the other “ese”es that we just call Chinese.
like korean or indonesian?
how about oyster crackers? pretty low class, taste bad, better than calling me wheat thin.
Koreans smell funny but are not as slant-eyed as rest of the orientals.
Nun,
You know it. Dieties never run out of juice.
Indeed! So…. what ya doin’ tonight, Zeus?
No, oyster crackers are white althoughthey are the shape of your head. Wheat Thin works perfectly. I knew there was a TPT cracker I forgot.
Well, we’ve done the Tim Curry Sex Doll, Depp, and McConaughy…what do you have in mind you little tigress.
wheat thin it is! i wish i wasn’t me so i could call me wheat thin.
“shut up, wheat thin.”
Josh - I don’t understand, what is weak about the term ‘dune coon’? It sounds very strong to Me. It involves sand, that lets you know it’s someone from the desert, and it references raccoons, which lets you know it’s someone who has dark eyes and loves to steal and eat garbage. Finally, it rhymes.
You are no longer My favorite.
right again as usual, Sir!!
Hmmm… David Duchovny has a nice thick cock. However, unlike the others, this one has a really crappy personality so if you could take his form but keep your own personality, that’d be just perfect. What you think about that?
God,
Josh was your favorite? Were you high??
I prefer the term ’sand-nigger’ myself and take every opportunity I can to call all my Mexican friends ’sand-nigger’. Oh, the laughs we have.
you’re “friends” with mexicans, too? you really are an equal opportunity whore, aren’t you?
God do you hate TPT? You might. Why else would You force them to live in crappy mobile shit shacks with bad yard ornaments that constantly get swept away by tornadoes - one of Your most awesome smiting weapons in Your smiting arsenal. We didn’t even have tornadoes in Ancient Greece, but be sure if I had thought of them I definitely would have used them. Maybe trailer parks are where you put all the sinners in the Bible Belt since that is where most trailer parks and TPT are.
God’s awesome tornado power is one of my favorites, too. fuck boy scouts.
I like to surround myself with diversity so I can point out to my ethnic friends that I’m white and, therefore, better than them. It makes me feel good about myself.
cracka, I’m glad you’re a wheat thin. When I saw the “uppity” part, I figured you for one of those overpriced biscuits they sell at the stinky cheese shop.
Nun, have you ever thought about god-shopping? Thor is a stud, but he’ll only do you if you’re Aryan.
Dear God,
I don’t mean just using the term “dune coon” is weak, as I use it on my fat arab buddy all the time. But just using it like a sledge hammer instead of the precision tool it is, that’s weak.
Please can I be your favorite again?
FYI - Jesus was born in the dessert, technically he’s the duniest of the coons.
Anybody ever watch WKRP in Cincinatti? Dr. Johnny Fever talking about mobile homes and God’s Awesome Tornado Power is classic. Oh, that reminds me… you know who you could take the form of, Zeus… Gary Sandy… the man is old now but still somewhat hot.
Anne,
NO! I have not and shut up!! You’re gonna piss off God and He’s going to take away my sweet, sweet chiba again.
yeah, i’m no biscotti, that’s for sure. i’m not even a fried sourdough wafer, really.
too bad josh doesn’t know the difference between a dessert and a desert or he could really face someone sometime. and that wasn’t a jello dessert he was born into,josh, that was mary’s bloody placenta.
Nun,
you you remind them that you’re better than them as you handle their dark sausage? Like Selma Blair is Storytelling
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wsTuzI0F2aQ
Josh
Cracka,
Thanks for proof reading my posts, like the Puerto Rican guy who holds the door for me at my building, you too have a purpose.
Josh
Duchovny is a dweeb, but I had no idea he was packing!! Wow, that puts a hole new meaning on the X-files. Ok, I’ll do it. Go Duchovny. “I want to believe.”
Josh,
Fuck NO!!! I don’t want them to go all Wayne Brady on me and choke a bitch.
Think you could do gillian anderson circa 1999 for me later?
you are more than welcome, josh. anything for a fellow whitey. and you’re on a roll with the puerto rican epitaphs, by the way.
Zeus,
Unfortunately, he is a dweeb but he didn’t used to be. He just got too full of himself and his arrogance killed what little personality he had. Now the only thing he has going for him is his larger-than-average penis.
“too bad josh doesn’t know the difference between a dessert and a desert or he could really face someone sometime. and that wasn’t a jello dessert he was born into,josh, that was mary’s bloody placenta.”
“Thanks for proof reading my posts, like the Puerto Rican guy who holds the door for me at my building, you too have a purpose.”
A most excellent exhange. Applause all around.
Thor is a puss with his gay hammer and silly pointy metal helmet. A Sacandavian puss - like Wheat Thin.
Yes, Gary Sandy is a bad ass! We’ll do Duchovny some other time. Go Sandy: http://www.garysandy.com/
Gillian Anderson is hot too… man, if I was lesbo the things I’d do to her. Does Zeus take the form of females? If so, who gets fucked?
I do love me some Gary Sandy.
I’m cool with going with the female form…I just have to scout out the super hot lipstick lesbos first becuase even as a chick no suasage is coming any where near me. Boy, if I could split myself in two I would totally do myself as Gillian Anderson. I bet GOD can do that.
a scandinavian pus, huh? you know, we vikings are known for drinking the blood of our enemies from their polished skulls and for eating a lot of fish, i guess, and for blowing superbowls and nfc championship games and getting knocked out of the playoffs by last second hail mary passes…more than once…so, yeah, just so you know. greeks are known for what? civilization? not that great.
Well, yeah…you know…stop that self-depricating sarcasm. It’s confusing to repond to. Crap! Just shut up Wheat Thin.
Zeus said: “Boy, if I could split myself in two I would totally do myself as Gillian Anderson.”
Zeus,
If you ever make that happen, let me know. I’d like to watch for educational purposes. Afterwards, I would like to hang with Miss Anderson and smoke some of that sweet, sweet chiba God blessed me with.
i see where you’re coming from, zeus. i’ll just stick with ignorant crackerness from here on out, you ass raping pretend god that no one believes in.
Nun, I can’t beleive GOD took your cheeba. That is one hellacious smiting. I can’t imagine a weekend without a little jounx-to-boogie. Besides everyone knows the Cheeba makes slappin’ uglies better.
Wheat Thin, that’s more like.
Like it…crap Wheat Thin. You got me too pissed to type with that anal rape comment!
God is prone to rage, Zeus. I can believe that He took my chiba but it’s okay because He gave it back. I love the big Divine Lug even though He lashes out in anger at times.
Correct you are, but you must have done something really freakin’ bad to deserve chiba swipe.
He’s done it twice and I think both times I was being a smart-ass. You know how us mortals can be.
Where the hell is Curtis today? Maybe he’s opening a B&B in a wood shack. Love that big gay hillbilly. Of course I mean love in a totally straight way Curtis.
but Nun, each time he forgave you. That’s some New Testement right there. If it was the old you would have been stoned and you your family throw in the streets.
I think God just appreciates that I kill fatties and fuck in His honor, Josh.
Where the fuck is Yo Yo??
How does GOD decide to throw out old testament or new testament smiting? That is crappy cafateria Christianity.
i think it’s pretty random. He seems kinda sketchy lately. mood swings. long periods of silence followed by bouts of violent screaming. you’re right to watch out for curtis, zeus, he is one of the sneakiest faggots ever to steal a glance at a straight man’s junk. yoyo? jew? neb/ben? smited.
Maybe God is on His Divine Period.
Yo Yo hasn’t been here all week. Where the fuck is he?
What the hell is going on around here today…this has been an entirely Wheat Thin, Nun, Zeus day with the occasional comments by Josh. Even Johnson is not arround. I can hear the echo in here.
God is too old for a Divine Period. I think it’s Divine Menopause. God are you having Divine Hot Flashes?
that was funny, zeus. i give credit where credit is due.
i think yoyo said something about going on vacation a couple of weeks ago. where does a sexually frustrated middle aged balding lonely new england family man take his wife and kids these days?
Maybe God is pregnant with a Divine Offspring. I know when I was pregnant I was susceptible to hormonal swings and violent outbursts of anger and screaming.
crystal hasn’t shown up to yell at me, either. no jew. no ben. no cooper. no lucifer. stuff white parents like stopped trying to get us to read his stupid blog a long time ago. at least we have that.
Cracka said: “stuff white parents like stopped trying to get us to read his stupid blog a long time ago.”
We should all get down on our knees and thank God for that one.
Nun, I bet you were totally sexy preggers - like Myleene Klass or Demi Moore.
If Jesus is seated on the right hand of The Father and the BVM on the left hand, how does God spank his Divine monkey?
Nun, cracka, Zeus,
Shut up!
God is busy playing Sims and fretting about Anne Hillbilly.
Awww. I feel so loved y’all (in a totally straight way). Thanks Zeus!
Today, I was in strategic planning meetings all day. Stupid job.
True story: I saw a bumper sticker in the hospital parking lot today that read, “if it ain’t King James, it ain’t Bible.”
That is SO stupid in SO many ways. I thought of you all and lol’d.
remember that idiot who used to come here and try to get us to read some crappy blog about ducks?
Weasle isn’t around either.
and you’re right, Cracka, I often go off my meds.
Really Stuff White Parents was here proselitizing. That’s funny ’cause everone knows that’s a weak knock-off of Stuff White People Like and even weaker than Suff Educated Black People Like.
Zeus,
I’m sexy every day. It’s my lot in life.
weasel’s blog is effing funny. he only posts when he updates his blog, though.
curtis, holy shit. if that’s real, that’s the most…i mean it’s just…fuck.
Snow, as GOD’s press secretary do you have any news on whether Anne Johnson is going to be smited any time soon?? And don’t give me that crap about “not commenting on on-going investigations.”
Weasel posted earlier, Josh. I like Weasel, I wish he’d come around more.
there’s been a lot of blog-shillers around here. that’s the price of funny, i guess.
yeah, weasel is good.
I wouldn’t know, Cracka as I’ve never fucked him. I don’t think he’d appreciate you telling his secrets either.
Curtis!!! That’s so funny. ‘Cause everbody knows the Tyndale Bible sooo much better than the King James version, jeesh.
Nun, I know you are. I was just relishing picturing hot sweet preggers love with you.
I like pregnant sex… the pressure feels oh so wonderful.
WEASEL IS GOOD AT BEING FUNNY, NUN.
Weasel’s blog is really funny.
Nun, I only get nervous that I’d poke the little guy/girl. I know it’s not possible for a mortal do this but I’m a god.
Oh, Cracka. Don’t believe a word I say.
Zeus, exactly! I caught a look at the driver. She was a fatty Pentecost I’m sure of it.
Now if you all will excuse me. I’ve got to catch up on my X-tube videos.
i can believe, but i can’t believe it…did you happen to catch her first name?
you all know where i’m going with this.
Bye Curtis, stay gay.
Yeah, I’m sure the other bumper sticker said, “If ain’t Hostess, it ain’t a cup cake.”
Zeus,
He’s trying to think up something special because she’s an Ann and a Druid, and both of those are tricky. Maybe the backdoor approach with her hairy LUG daughter?
Cracka. Are you thinking that Bridgette lives in my home town?!?
FUCK ME!
Except for My Games, I really don’t suffer from yellow fever. Sure ever now and then there’s an Asian hottie, ussually Thai or Bhurmese, but man, my dry cleaner is a hottie and I think she is Korean. However, they keep charging me as if my Togas were dresses. I keep explaining that they are men’s clothes. Stupid Korean drycleaners! I’m going to lightning bolt that place.
Cracka said: “WEASEL IS GOOD AT BEING FUNNY, NUN.”
Enough, Cracka! We don’t need to know about your love-making escapades with Weasel.
Nun. I beg to differ. I want to hear ALL about it. You know how I’ve got a thing for that Uppity Cracka.
Curtis,
Cracka’s name is now Wheat Thin. Since he is so obviously covering up his hispanic trailer trash heritage through his racist tirades. The only cracker we could think of that was not white and not uppity was Wheat Thins.
Zeus. My apologies. I really must keep up. Still, he’s a sexy little Wheat Thin. I’d put a slice of my cheese on him.
Yep, Wheat Thin, you’re right. Curtis is sneaky. Look out he wants to slap you with his cheddar log.
We gays do all the things your girlfriend won’t. If anyone doesn’t like it, then they can just suck my dick.
Oh. Wait.
Well, if any of my girlfriends slapped me with a cheddar log they wouldn’t be girlfiriends now would they?
I’ll bugger you, Curtis. I’ve got a strap-on.
As for Cracka and Weasel, apparently Weasel is really funny during sex. I’m sure Cracka can fill you in on the rest…. get it? FILL. YOU. IN.
HAHAHAHA… oh god, I’m a riot.
Well, that’s a good point. You deities are so much more wise than us mere mortals. Still, the Greeks LOVED you. You sure you wouldn’t swing both ways and all? I’m just saying, after all these thousands of years, you wouldn’t dip your wick in another pool of wax just to see? Come on! Where’s your sense of adventure?
Nun. True story: A gal I work with actually said, “If I had a dick, I’d totally stick it in you! You’re that hot!”
She’s a fag hag. I do her hair sometimes.
Nun, you are my favorite female by far!
They might if it was a bobbit-log
I can believe that, I’ve said things along the same lines.
Usually when a guy says something like that, they want something. What do you want, Curtis?
How many gals wish they had dicks? That slimy ass-hat Freud will be laughing in hell right now.
Oh no, despite all the rumors, that was really the Romans that did all the wild swingin’. Well, okay the Athenians were pretty notorious for it. But Zeus is as straight as an arrow but not insecure about it either. So, Curtis I’m flattered but I’ll keep my wick in the same pool, stay at the same church, batting in different leagues…mmm, what other metaphors are there? I’ll keep my adventure to branding irons and other such items that Johnson suggests. Besides with Nun, just in this week I’ve been a Tim Curry Sex Doll, Depp, McConaughy and tonight, Gary Sandy, oh and David Duchovny tomorrow night with perhaps a little girl-on-girl as I take the form of Gillian Anderson.
-Zeus out.
Well, Nun, we talked about going drinking (not “drinking”) sometime. I’m always good for a night out and I love to get hammered.
Oh. Wait.
heh… you’re a perv, Curtis. Rocky Horror and I say we invite Zeus along. What’s your favorite song from Rocky?
Alright, Zeus. But it would have been one hell of a notch on my bedpost to get nailed by a deity. Damn. Nun gets all the luck.
And I’m out for the evening too. See you all in the funny papers. And remember, “if it ain’t King James, it ain’t the Bible”!
‘night.
Okay, real quick, “Toucha, toucha, toucha, touch me” Of course!
‘night
Zeus! You can become Gillian Anderson?
I want to worship you.
How many creatures do I have to sacrifice to Olympus to get a 60 minute muff-dive with Scully?
hahahahahaha.. Josh made an idiot out of himself. and I love how you pretend to be all tough with the slurs, and then you go on to say puerto-rican this, hispanic friend that. you’re the softest motherfucker here.
YOU PUSSY COWARD!! CHRIST MAN! Grow some fucking BALLS!!! fag.
you’re such a sexual-organ cutting Arab-American pervert…
Zeus only wants me smitten so he can watch. Perv. You’d think after 10,000 years of sex he might just want to cuddle.
shutup, Ben. why you all gotta be all racist and shit?! DAMN!
FUCK YOU ANNE….FUCK YOU JOSH…..FUCK YOU NUN….FUCK YOU ZEUS….CRACKA YOU’RE COOL….FUCK YOU BEN…FUCK YOU AND I’M OUT!!
And everybody stop making fun of my name! It’s hard being a dick. Especially for me.
Oh Curtis, you just go on and on, don’t you. And I beg to differ. I’ve gotten quite a few compliments on my fellating skills.
I remember my first art opening. My drunken hair stylist starting making out with me. It was funny on a couple of different levels. But mostly because he’s gayer than a handbag full of rainbows.
Cracka, thanks for missing me. I’ve been on the phone all day with the model bookers from the local hoity toity art school. Starting next week, they’re paying me a pretty penny to sit around in my birthday suit while cute art school boys and girls oogle and draw and paint and sculpt little sculptures of my goodies and wish that their tattoos were half as massively ass kicking as mine.
And when I wasn’t doing that, I was totally playing Bible Fight. I have to admit, JC’s character on there has some sassy moves. So does the BVM.
dude, on bibe fight, JC’s Cross Smackdown thing basically kicks ass. I smote the shit outta Eve with that. Though it is pretty cute when the BVM throws her halo at people.
i just clicked on the link before i read this post and i owned the s*** out of god as buddha
then i played as god and got murdered………
God,
I got tips for beating Muhammad… when he goes invisible, jump. Just keep jumping and attacking until he reappears but You might not need to do that. If You get close enough to him and keep attacking, he will not be able to get away. My fingers hurt from playing that game, God.
whoa random guy. i had the same exact experience. God wasn’t lying, he really does suck in that game.
maybe i’m just high…but this blog is fucking with my head. is God real?
Frisby,
You betcha! He’s on the money.
CRAP CRAP CRAP
Hey God, your blog’s fucking Zone-ist! I live on the other side of the world (New Zealand) which is hours ahead of your blog. So whenever I’m awake and wanting to insult someone all the others are in their beds wanking. Plus I miss reading all the posts first. Why don’t you post at midnight–then I’d win the first comment competition?
You think it’s easy being a day ahead of the rest of the world? Try and get your head around this—over here 9/11 happened on 10/11, but now we commemorate it on 9/11, which is really 8/11.
Smoggy’s going to find some blog in Australia to be offensive on.
Speaking of Australia, God–is it true that you hand-circumcised yourself with Mt Everest, and Australia is your foreskin?
Up your arse Big Guy–Smoggy Batzrubble
Smoggy - No, that is not true. I am not circumcised. How dare you even suggest such a thing.
Enjoy your permanent banishment in the strange and not-too-distant future. I shall feast upon the sweet sweet tears of your loneliness.
Bible Fight kicks ass!
for once we agree on something Lucy.
God,
Please bless Mackenzie Phillips. She deserves it, God.
Eh, the drug-addict soap star? This one?
http://www.reuters.com/article/peopleNews/idUSN2750324720080827
Or the little girl dying of cancer in Maine?
Either way, the answer is still no.
why do people try to get drugs by airport security?
i mean, just buy some when you get wherever you’re going.
how hard is it to buy drugs?
i don’t understand…
I know better than to ask You to bless a cancer patient, God.
And a soap star!?! No, God, no!! She’s most known for being the drug-addicted child of a drug-addicted musician and then for being fired from a sit-com.
She’s relatively famous, Cracka. If she tried to buy drugs wherever she was going then she most certainly would have been arrested there as well. Poor Tatum O’Neal can’t even go buy crack at the corner without the drug dealer recognizing her and subsequently narcing on her. What is the world coming to when you can’t even trust drug dealers??
Lucy, Josh, I am in definite agreement on the Bible Fight kicking ass bit.
btw, little example of how Asians are dumb:
I live in a neighborhood populated largely by older, first generation Asians. I absolutely love it when if I cough while I’m on the bus, all of the Asians cover their noses and mouths with their hand like it’s a little face mask. Apparently it’s super effective against the bird flu. I had no idea.
TAKE THAT MODERN MEDICINE!
silly little shrunk junk cockroach eaters.
(is that better, nun?)
Again, Cracka… that’s not humor, just the sad, sad truth.
cracka, you’re so not on your game today!
God, you spoke to me! I think I’ll stick around…
(so whose foreskin is Australia?)
god, just face it, Mohammed is and always will be better than you..
its a fact. get used to it…. it will always haunt you for the rest of
your holy life….. or unholy life….. however you want to look at it.
hey god, speaking of games, have you ever played staggy the boy scout slayer 2?
and guess what? you get to SLAY BOY SCOUTS!!!!!!! its awesome…..
God, since I’m a woman and will never be able to do anything as well as a man, I’ve decided to forgo the videogaming and just leave you with a website I think you’d like instead, you fucking baby-muncher:
http://www.rsdb.org/
“Zeus is as straight as an arrow”
Hello sugar daddy!
Smoggy - Australia is not a foreskin, it is a continent.