Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
Witness now the glorious truth of MY DIVINE WORD:
6 For his first son Er, Judah got a wife whose name was Tamar.
7 Er’s conduct was evil, and it displeased the LORD, so the LORD killed him.
8 Then Judah said to Er’s brother Onan, “Go and sleep with your brother’s widow. Fulfill your obligation to her as her husband’s brother, so that your brother may have descendants.”
9 But Onan knew that the children would not belong to him, so when he had intercourse with his brother’s widow, he let the semen spill on the ground, so that there would be no children for his brother.
10 What he did displeased the LORD, and the LORD killed him also.*
This passage makes very clear My passionate feelings on the subject of spilling sperm. I’ve said it many times before, and I’ll say it again; EVERY SPERM IS SACRED! If a man wastes his precious semen by spilling it just anywhere, I will certainly punish him.
Now there are varying degrees of punishment for this sin. For example, as this verse demonstrates, if you disgrace your dead brother by refusing to ejaculate inside his recently widowed wife, and you instead selfishly spill your seed on the ground, I will be very angry and smite you with a painful death.
Or let’s say you do something truly satanic and spill your seed into a disgusting, dirty public toilet, I will be 
furious and smite you with a slow and extremely painful death.
But the punishment is not always this severe. If, on the other hand, you just spill your seed into a bunch of wadded up tissues because you were bored, then the punishment is only a swift and mildly painful death. Like a sudden heart attack while you’re jerking it. –>
However, it is acceptable to pull out at the last second and spill your seed onto a woman, as long as you make sure to do it on her chest or face in a way that totally degrades her.
I WARN YOU MORTALS! OBEY MY SEMEN LAWS OR I WILL KILL YOU!
* Interesting followup to that story…after I killed Onan, his father Judah later accidentally slept with Er’s widow Tamar. But this was okay because he thought she was a prostitute and also came inside her.
Gene on 
ronpaulcandidate on 
jetaDeelp on 
Nun Ur Damned Bizness on 
The Ender on 
Tremble and Shake …
I see what you mean. Tim had a thing about an old gym sock named “Crusty”, but he was a good Catholic with lots of tithing, so now he’s here with me and the rooms and the puppies. Yay!
Lego my Pearl Jam
Q: Why is Onan like ice cream?
A: Comes in quarts !!!
All those instant smitings (be them quick and painful, slow an painful, quick and painless, or slow and painless) look a lot like some sort of magic…
“Magic is clearly the realm of Satan.”
- Bridgette 08:14
God,
I always thought that this particular story was about refusing to impregnate my brother’s wife. Thank you for setting the record straight.
However, I am still a little bit confused. Obviously it is a sin to spill my seed on the ground. But is it okay to store my seed in a sterile jar, for future use with my (or my deceased brother’s) wife?
Also, what is the deal with Lot and his daughters?
Number One: Gold like the sun
Number Two: Let me go poo
Number Three: Satan set my seed free
where does condom use fit in? it’s inside her…but, then again, it’s technically not.
What if you get a vasectomy? No little swimmers making the trip.
I think God likes sperm so getting a vasectomy would probably be a bad idea.
I’m just glad I know why all guys like to cum all over a women’s face and tits… it’s God’s Will.
[...] God on The Bible - Genesis 38:6-10 August 15, 2008 Posted by Skepdude in Sins, Stuff God Hates, The Bible. Tags: God, Painful Death, Semen trackback CLICK HERE TO GO TO THE ORIGINAL ENTRY AT “STUFF GOD HATES” [...]
that’s right, nun!! we’re saying, “oh my fucking God!” because God told us to do it in the first place.
I’m almost afraid to ask what happens to us boys who like boys.
I do all my fucking and cum-showers for God. I do wish God would have made semen a bit more tasty though.
No anal, Curtis. God loves the gays but hates the anal. I’m not quite sure what you’re supposed to do with your seed though… that’s a real conundrum.
How about some clarification on this one, God? Where oh where should I deposit my semen?
IN
A
VA
GI
NA
how much more clear does he need to be?
save it up. stick it in your dead brother’s wife in the form of a popsicle if necessary.
Don’t worry, Curtis. You can use mine if you need to.
Speaking of someone who never ever let any sperm go to waste, as God as pointed out once, today is the feast day known as The Solemnity of the Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary, celebrating Mary’s passage into Heaven. So… What is she up to today, God? Think she’ll be up to “going out” “drinking” “tonight”?
“Magic is clearly the realm of Satan.”
- Bridgette 8:14
Just the thought of it.
gross.
I. can’t. do. it.
i guess you could use my butt…just this once.
nope. can’t do it. seems kind of gay.
pick a card, any card at all. 4 of spades, right?
yeah, i’m a satanist.
God,
Please let “Star Wars: The Clone Wars” fail miserably at the box office.
Lucifer,
My son is taking me out for an early dinner. Then he’s arranged for us to see an off Broadway production of “Phantom”. After the show, he and some of his friends in the cast are taking me to a little cafe for drinks. They have live entertainment there. The ladies are a bit tall, but absolutely gorgeous!
Such nice boys!
have you checked these “ladies” for adam’s apples?
stupid virgin.
splooge
this post was hilarious
Lego cumshots?
Okay. My childhood is now fully, irretrievably and thoroughly raped.
God, is there anything left for us to hold sacred in Your sight?
I thought the Unpleasant Jew got banned for all his bullshit yesterday.
Well, Uppity Cracka, come to think of it, they DO have adam’s apples. How strange? Still, my son’s friends are all so nice. And talented! The flower arrangements are heavenly, and his friend, Troy is going to do my hair this afternoon!
Stupid indeed. I was going to make an appearance to you as an image in an omelet, but now Mr. smartypants!
*NOT
UNPLEASANT JEW!! HOW DID YOU GET BACK ON MY BLOG AFTER I BANNED YOU?!
Who is giving you shelter and forming this attack on My Divine Blog?! Is it Lucifer? Xenu? Molech? Haemon?!
YOU WILL NOT GET AWAY WITH THIS, JEW!!!
I WILL TEAR APART THE SKIES!!
Uhm, God?
If this isn’t a good time, but, could you clarify where I should deposit my semen? Nun and Cracka tell me a vagina . . . but can I get an exception to that?
Curtis,
You have to do something special for God to get special treatment from Him. I kill fatties and fuck in honor of Him. What do you do for God?
Well, I used to do anal for God, but then I found out he doesn’t like it. I ask what to do, but he just doesn’t seem to have time for me. I don’t think God likes me very much.
Perhaps Bridgette could tell me what to do. She seems to think she knows better than all of us. The answer is probably in Leviticus.
Curtis,
I’ll tell you what you can do. Become a big time evangelist, and bring Me thousands upon thousands of new hyper-zealous worshippers, and then you can have as much anal as you want (in secret of course).
COOL!!
THANKS God!
I’ll be bigger than Falwell!
See, Curtis. God loves you.
AND I get to do anal (in secret of course). Gotta go work on a sermon now. It’s definitely going to be something from Leviticus!
people respond well to something that makes them feel superior to nonbelievers. especially something that ends with the eternal suffering of anyone who slightly disagrees with them. so, just stick with thinly veiled egocentrism, throw in a verse about tough love, work people into a sort of mob mentality hysteria and then tell them it’s the lord’s presence. they’ll fall all over themselves to bask in the glory of whatever you’ve hypnotized them to bask in. also, promise them a good old fashioned stoning.
good luck, evangelist curtis. maybe you should run for congress on the family values platform. you big old queer!!!!
Curtis, everyone is bigger than Falwell. We’re talking sexual organs, right? Can I gt dibs on running the religious sales department? I’m thinking prayer towels, condoms stamped with biblical verses, etc.
BVM, do the ladies in the show have large hands and feet?
God;
I just got back from the bathroom. I think I left an image of the Virgin Mary in the toilet.
My questions: Flush, or not? Tell anyone else?
And what kind of miracles can I expect from toilet water?
Blasphemer!!
also, christians LOVE shitty music. we’re talking choirs upon choirs of corny female voices. the music itself should start with the cheesiest drum presets you can find, preferrably on a casio keyboard made around 1990. avoid using real amps with any real tone. NO tube distortion. no analog pedals. just digital fx racks that never get dialed beyond presets. NO original lyrics. christians HATE thinking. summary: LOVE shitty music. HATE thinking. go for it.
you big old queer.
cracka, The lyrics should be sung by a male in an annoying falsetto, and should contain lines comparing oneself to slime, worthlessness without God to prop you up, etc, etc.
Blasphemer? Moi? No toilet water for you, Nun!
Bless you, Cracka, Yo Yo. Hallelujah, Brothers!
Bless you, Nun. Amen, Sister!
I hope I can count on your votes when I run for congress.
I’m wondering if God would give me some clarification on this random donkey-punching deal we’ve got?
I was having great sex last night when all of a sudden WAPOW. When I came to, the guy I was with said he did nothing. He said he felt a big whoosh of air and then all of a sudden I was unconscious. He also said I felt really good after that… stupid jerk. I can think of only two explanations… the guy donkey-punched me and refuses to admit it or God donkey-punched me when I was fucking somebody else!!
God, was that You?
Sorry, Curtis. I don’t vote for pedophile butt-fuckers. I leave that to the Republicans.
Best. Post. Ever.
I prefer my politicians do their molesting with cigars.
shut up, ben.
nun, if He donkey-punched you, does that qualify as a smiting? i think it’s a valid question.
lucy, LOVING your new signature.
Pedophilia - never.
Butt fucking - only in secret of course.
If I’m in congress, I might be able to do something about that whole ‘legalization of cannabis’ thing. Might want to rethink your vote?
Uhhh…Nun, is THIS what you mean by a donkey punch? If so, passing out is part of the act: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Donkey_punch
Sounds sicker than a pedophile butt-fucker.
Crystal,
No, I don’t believe it’s a smiting because God and I had a deal… I get sweet, sweet chiba if I subject myself to random donkey punches from God. The things I do for God and my sweet, sweet chiba.
Curtis,
All gays are pedophiles. If you enter into politics then you’ll have to play by the rules. And you won’t be able to legalize cannabis… they always throw the legalization of LSD and harder drugs on those kinds of bills. FUCKERS!!
evangelist curtis,
thanks for clarifying your position on pedophilia and anal sex. you would have my vote on the legalization issue, though the point is a little moot here in san francisco, where you’ll probably get ticketed for double-parking before a cop bugs you about your ganja.
nun, you do have a point there. i have to wonder what kind of deal your partner struck up with Him, though, that He blessed him (your partner) with a nun that gets donkey-punched by Him while he (your partner) is having sex with you.
“All gays are pedophiles” Pu-leeze tell me you are joking.
yo yo, dude, come on? did someone not have his coffee yet?
ps, it’s my birthday.
God, thank you for letting me live another year without any, as of yet, noticeable smitings. Do you accept libations?
Yeah, Yo Yo… please tell me you’re joking.
Crystal,
I don’t think God would have made a deal with the guy I was fucking last night. He’s a commie heathen bastard. Which is why I’ve posed my question to God. I believe the commie heathen bastard donkey-punched me but feared my wrath too much to admit it. I hope God answers so I can think of a suitable punishment before we go out ‘drinking’ tonight.
You can grovel naked, Crystal. I think God gets off on that kind of thing.
p.s. happy birthday
crystal, thank you for telling ben to shut up in my stead. i appreciate that. if i were single i’d give one helluva deep and satisfying birthday present for that. that’s how easy i am.
lucy, your signature is awesome. keep it forever.
Cracka - old? Who you callin’ old?!?
calm down, you big ol’ queer!! i love the gays! thanks to you pansies i have pretty cool hair. a gay goth named jesse cuts my hair. apparently, he thinks i’m hot. ha! can you imagine? a homo thinking a straight guy is hot?! please tell me you guys don’t check out my ass.
Of COURSE we check out your ass! Silly breeders! And don’t call me old!!;-)
Darn you! Darn you all to Heck!
Sadly, the last time someone checked out my ass it was the cashier at Costco, who muttered something about buying in bulk.
Curtis, are you an aging, overweight gay man? S’ OK, we still love you. I think.
poor, yoyo.
oh yeah, nun. you live in seattle. don’t you have some hipster neighborhood where the gay goths cut hair?
Thanks, Yo. You know how superficial we gays all are about our looks. I appreciate the support.
Oh, and I’m sure your ass is just fine.
This story teaches us that masturbation is evil in God’s sight.
i lurve my gay hairstylist, jeremy. he invites me out to cross-dressing croquet in the park on sundays and we all get shit-face wasted
cracka, you’re welcome. anytime.
nun, i was curious as to whether He accepts libations of alcohol, dionysos-style, and what type of alcohol He prefers.
And life teaches us that Bridgette is special.
Cracka,
Seattle has many gay goths who cut hair. That’s why I try to stay as far away as possible from that heathen, commie town.
Thanks for the clarification, Bridgie. I totally thought that this was a story about locations where God wants cumshots.
Speaking of which, God, what about when oral sex is being administered and the guy ejaculates into the giver’s mouth? Do You prefer spitting or swallowing? Is there an appropriate place to spit?
Oh, I nearly forgot.
How do You feel about cum on a man’s chest/face?
Bridgette said: “This story teaches us that masturbation is evil in God’s sight.”
Wow! Where would we all be without Bridgette’s wisdom?
Crystal,
Unless you get pregnant in your mouth, swallowing is wasting sperm and God hates that. Spitting is also wasting sperm unless you spit it into a vagina.
well, shit, where does that leave me? here i’ve perfected my skills so that he says, “Oh God.” here i’m doing the best i can so that He receives glory, and He still hates what i’m doing. i just can’t get this right.
I’m in the same boat… it’s because we’re women.
well, i guess my young man is gonna have to have a chat with God.
Nun - Don’t ever speak for Me again. You cannot possibly know Me, for I am the LORD.
Crystal - I prefer a woman to swallow the sperm. This is not a waste, as it provides vital nutrients, and it is also degrading. Also, when it is ejaculated onto her face and body, she should best to gather it up and eat it.
As to your question about sperm and a man’s face, SHAME ON YOU!
I was very clear - it is only ok to spray semen on a woman’s face, and then only if it done with the intent to degrade her (not out of love.)
Bridgette — never mind. I just don’t have the time to waste on you today.
I think the swallowing would technically be okay, because it’s not being spilled and it is “in” you and not wasted cause protein is protein after all.
I think you’re cool on this one, Sister Crystal.
Dang. Another long Friday afternoon. I may make up a sign proclaiming “REPENT!” and go march up and down Main Street.
Ah, well, there you go. From God himself.
God, I’m pouring a libation to You in honor of my birthday. Any liquor requests?
God,
you totally ripped the context of this post off of cracked by way of digg.com yesterday afternoon.
http://www.cracked.com/article_16546_6-raunchiest-most-depraved-sex-acts-from-bible.html
Come on God, I thought you were better than that.
Bloom
God’s rules are so hard to follow and so inconsistent. Don’t waste sperm. Don’t sperminate into a toilet because that’s basically the devil’s work. Women are evil but it’s okay for them to swallow semen. I would think that equates to giving your sperm to the devil. Stupid Divine rules that are so hard for us mortals to follow.
Carlos Mencia hijacked God’s Divine Blog and is proceeding to do just what Carlos Mencia does.
I would normally reserve this for Ben, but shut up, Bloom. Do not question the Lord Almighty.
Someone’s cruising for a smiting today….
LOL… the picture of Leah and Rachel… LOL.
Excuse Me, Bloom, are you actually suggesting that I, THE LORD GOD ALMIGHTY, stole content from The Bible for use on MY BLOG?!! What the fuck is wrong with you?!
And you are right, I was surfing the internet, and saw that pathetic drivel, and it did remind Me of that event. Who cares??
IT’S MY BIBLE. I CAN TALK ABOUT ANY PART OF IT WHENEVER I WANT.
Furthermore, those idiots couldn’t even get the verse right. They claim that it is from the book of Judah.
THERE IS NO FUCKING BOOK OF JUDAH!!
BLOOM - YOU ARE A COMPLETE FUCKING BLASPHEMOUS MORON AND I SMITE YOU!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oEw5BiCa6EA
AND NUN!! YOU TRAITOR!! HOW DARE YOU! HOW DARE YOU COMPARE ME TO THAT WRETCH CARLOS MENCIA?!
You know what? Just for that, I SMITE YOU!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pIB246O7HAk
And consider your weed (AND YOUR DONKEY-PUNCHES FROM ME!!) permanently revoked.
Hey, you’re the boss.
Well, if You weren’t so drunk and high, God, You would have seen that I said Carlos Mencia hijacked Your blog. Never did I compare You with Carlos Mencia. But no matter. I think I like Buddha better. He’s not so mean.
ERRGGHHHH!!!!
:x 
I’M SO MAD I’M GOING TO KILL A HUNDRED THOUSAND BABIES TONIGHT!! PREPARE TO MEET YOUR DOOM!!!
Buddha has that weight problem, though. Like you said, if you and he were screwing doggy style, he’d have to rest his belly on your back.
Bloom is a dope.
And Cracked is mediocre.
I don’t think Buddha has sex.
What is the sound of one hand fapping?
shut up, Bloom. Seriously, who cares if God was reminded of that story because of cracked? They suck. They really, really suck. If you find that shit funny, just shoot yourself in the head right now, please.
God, I love you. Your shit is amazing.
I guess I should shoot myself in the head because I laughed when I followed that link. Am I supposed to shoot myself in the head with a gun or with a guy’s semen?
I’m packing a semi-auto…
…pump action…
How big is your gun, Yo Yo?
With me, it’s not the caliber, it’s the load. And I hand-load all my rounds…
And remember, kids, both hands on the weapon, assume it’s loaded at all times.
shotgun.
Full choke?
So… a .22 then?
Well yeah. But I can fire off a clip in 3 seconds!
Well, at least you have that, Yo Yo.
where did uppity go? i need someone to tell me something.
Aw, Nun. I’m sorry you got smote. That looks like it really stung. And right before the weekend too. Bummer.
Thanks, Curtis. It’s made me bitter and vengeful. I can’t wait to tell all my ‘drinking’ buds that God’s a mean, spiteful SOB that doesn’t read all that well when He’s in the throes of a bender.
Thanks, Nun. And Ben, you’re a tool.
God, I’m unsmitable. Sorry.
Bloom - You may think you can escape My Wrath, but you are sadly mistaken. Bad things are transpiring in your world.
Nun - I love you too much to stay mad at you. I forgive you. You can have your goof-plant back. No more surprise donkey-punches though.
That ship has sailed.
Sniff, You bring tears to my eyes, God. I love You too, You Big Divine Lug.
Secretly, I’m really glad… Buddha smells funny.
Is that some kind of Karma talk, God?
Watch out, Bloom. He works in mysterious ways. He threatened my general location with DEA and guess what happened that very night? That’s right, those DEA bastards swept in and removed precious, precious chiba from the State Parks. Hello!! The State Parks were created for our enjoyment you fascist bastards!!
Bloom stinks.
I like Bloom. He has a penis.
Ummm… I think anyway. It just occurred to me that I don’t actually know if Bloom is male or female.
Ben, shut the fuck up.
Bloom is a tool, regardless of gender.
Nun, awwwww. Honey, I’m so sorry. Come to SF and we can light up together on the hood of a police cruiser. The police might care. But probably not.
Yo Yo, you fire off a clip in 3 seconds?! Your poor wife. I really feel for her.
no. you shutup crystal. you’re not my friend. i don’t like people named crystal. dumb name.
It’s all good, Crystal… God loves me again. I get the best dope, better than fucking coppers, when God loves me.
I hate my name, too, Ben.
But shut up.
I myself love crystal and would definitely know what it tastes like if somebody dumped some in my water.
Hint, hint, hint.
Ahahaha, oh Nun, if I had a dime for every time someone made a drug reference in regards to my name, I could buy a sweet Corvette, some male hookers, and fill the trunk of the Corvette with bottles of Dom.
That’s because we’re all drugged-out layabouts with nothing better to do but make drug references and high-five each other for our cleverness.
Sigh. Now I’m depressed.
God, I’ve never wasted and ounce sperm. Of course with your forsight you already know that.
I had 96 kids in Ancient Greece…that I know about. That is a lotta freakin’ baby’s mammas and a truckload of sperm. Mostly used on virgins although there were quite a number of widows, married woman…even relatives. You know pretty much anything went back then and that was 3000 years ago. I lost count around the year 0. How do you think You (God) and I are related? Tamar, yeah I did her too. She wasn’t that great. Kind of warn out after all those other guys. Oh, and FYI- ever since I got to My Games in China I have earned Gold in the sperm-o-thon. There is going to be an upswing in those state sanctioned abortions. Pretty girl lip synching and ugly buck tooth girl with good voice - did ‘em!! Great virgin material. Not a whole lot of goats to snack on around here though. I’m pretty damn sick of all the freakin’ bean paste cakes and Peking duck.
Zeus rocks the yellow fever!
and he’s a pedophile.
Well Crystal when in Rome. . .er Bejimg…
Well put, Zeus.
I’m not a pedophile at My Games this time. If the Chinese can forge passports for the oh-so-limber “women’s” gymnastics team then so can Zeus. Zeus has arrived in China as a 14 year old (not 4200 year old) and so who is the pedophile now?
Zeus,
I think you’re going senile.
Zeus, you tool-
There was no freaking year 0. That’s probably why you lost count.
“Magic is clearly the realm of Satan.”
- Bridgette 8:14
God, what about astronauts who jack off in space? Their seed never hits the ground. Assuming it’s cleaned up and jettisoned with the trash, it burns up in the atmosphere, leaving Your soil undefiled.
[...] QUESTION #6: (In reference to Genesis 38:6-10) [...]