Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
Today I was once again googling My Name, as I am wont to do, when I saw this preposterous story:
Senator Suing God Urges Judge to Proceed
What an utterly ridiculous, absolutely frivolous lawsuit. To think, this trifling mortal actually thinks he can sue Me - The Almighty Lord and Ruler of the Entire Universe - for My hard-earned Tithings!
It is blasphemous, idiotic, and completely without logic of any kind.
How can man sue God? You might as well try and sue the wind. For I tell you now, there is no justice without My Say-So! I AM JUSTICE!
And yet this insolent heretic somehow thinks he has the right to accuse Me. ME! The One who gave him his 
wife and children and a good home. He actually has the nerve to accuse Me of having caused “widespread death upon millions” of humans.
Well….of course I have! What does he expect?! It is My Sacred Duty to mete out death and destruction upon humanity.
Fucking hell! If I didn’t do it, it would never get done!
He also accuses Me of making “terroristic threats” against him and his children. WELL OF COURSE I HAVE! He’s suing Me! That’s what you’re supposed to do when someone sues you.
Well, if this doofus of a senator (who looks homeless) somehow thinks I’m showing up to any of these hearings in a physical form, he’s got another thing coming. Namely, a hefty smiting.
Ralph on 
freebiesss on 
TheEvilOverlord on 
God on 
Craig on 
samanta on 
ShunRenHu on 
I was wondering, God. If you were to appear in a physical form, could it have been in some sort of pre-anorexia pre-twin-birthing Angelina Jolie form? As Seth MacFarlane once predicted.
Oh, and I’m advising State Senator Ernie Chambers’s legal team. He looks homeless because I charge upfront.
And I’m advising Ernie’s public relations team.
He acts like a fool because I told him atheists are never taken seriously unless they pump it up with some kind of irony or sarcasm so the masses “get it”.
God,
Maybe all the altar boys molested by gay priests should also sue you. Just a thought.
Well, if Ernie really meant it he wouldn’t sue you. But he would sue all those who do your bidding.They are the real perverts. Ernie only wants to be in the news.
Isn’t it time for Bridgette to tear herself away from the ‘all-you-can-stuff-into-your-fat-face buffet and copy and paste some Bible verses?
Bridgette?
Lucifer, a question for you: If I get one of those shiny fish magnets and stick it on the back of my ‘98 Accord, will it prevent you (or your earthly minions) from carjacking it?
it’s just nebraska. wouldn’t worry about it. i mean, it’s nebraska.
God,
If you are omniscient, why do you need google?
Josh
Yo Yo-
No, it won’t work. Except, why in Hell would I want to hijack a ‘98 Accord? I already told you I’m a man of wealth and taste.
Josh-
He does it for the thrill.
just smite his ass, God. KILL!!! SMITE!!!! DESTROY!!!
Josh,
I don’t need google. I already knew about this lawsuit, as soon as the stupid douche thought about it. I merely point to the fact that it is being covered in the news, and thus chose to speak on it. Also, for the thrill.
Cracka,
Oh, don’t worry. I will. I am considering the endless possibilities of how. Possibly something highly ironic. I’m open to your suggestions.
His lawsuit will bring him a verdict, but not the kind he is looking for.
“He that blasphemeth the name of the LORD, he shall surely be put to death, and all the congregation shall certainly stone him.” — Leviticus 24:16
Bridgette said: “His lawsuit will bring him a verdict, but not the kind he is looking for.”
Yeah, wacky Jesus freaks will start sending him bible verses.
oh Bridgie-poo, when will you ever learn?
No, Ben, she won’t. She has no intelligence. She’s a puppet.
Lucifer, I was afraid you might snatch it, then force some idiot yuppie (who died in his monster SUV, while talking on his cellphone) to drive it for Eternity.
The passenger window is stuck, the radio has three working buttons (two set to country music and one to talk radio), the heater core leaks, so the interior smells of anti-freeze. The last time a mechanic looked at the thing, he bit his cigarette in half.
Nun, if Bridgette is a puppet, whose hand is up her ass?
Just wondering.
Yo Yo,
Why, it’s her Pastor’s hand, of course!
Hello god,
I think that this is totally hilarious. You are I am guessing, going to smite him. It is much more worthwhile to destroy lucifer and all his demon minions before they attack you. Lucifer already has me out of the way. After all, divide and conquer. But I will never come back, even if you need me.
Your other Personality,
The HOLY SPIRIT.
PS. It will be your fault (because you exiled me) if you are defeated.
Der Dude, Heh, I hope I never shake hands with the Pastor!
Yo Yo, You are absolutely right! Also, it’s probably not a good idea to kiss him. He’s had more 9 year old dicks in it than all the Underoos combined!
[...] God in the News - August 06, 2008 August 6, 2008 Posted by Skepdude in Stuff God Hates. Tags: Atheist Punk, God, Lawsuit trackback CLICK HERE TO GO TO THE ORIGINAL ENTRY AT “STUFF GOD HATES” [...]
how to ironically smite this man…hmmm…that’s a good question. you could rain brimstone onto his house…no, that would actually prove HIS point. anyone got anything good? and ironic.
bridgette thinks jesus is going to send someone to hell for suing the vague idea of god. that’s how freakin’ stupid she is.
One ironic smiting coming right up:
Let him win the suit. All atheists and disappointed former-believers will consider him a hero of the masses. They’ll adore him. They’ll form fan clubs. They’ll base a religion around him. They’ll worship him. They’ll kill virgins on an altar as a sacrifice to him. He’ll go mad with power. He’ll think he is God.
And then you counter-sue.
Here you go, Bridgette:
The rabble with them began to crave other food, and again the Israelites started wailing and said, “If only we had meat to eat! Numbers 11:4
Therefore he sacrifices to his net and burns incense to his dragnet, for by his net he lives in luxury and enjoys the choicest food. Habakkuk 1:16
Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body. 1Corinthians 6:19-20
Lucifer,
Like the Flying Spaghetti Monster guy?
Or perhaps L. Ron Hubbard?
lucifer, that is brilliant. God still won’t love you again, though.
honor God with your body, bridgette…your big, fat, disgusting body.
Okay, here’s something:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CfvznrQOx4w
Thoughts? Bridgette?
I say You do show up for court, God and throw them all for a loop.
Imagine their surprise and their shame when they realize they bothered You with such a trivial matter. Imagine their horror and fear when You let them know that their punishment for disturbing You will come in the form of a smiting that has yet to be determined.
They’ll spend years fearing You, God. Make them wait, drag it out and then kill them in a natural disaster so they think they avoided a direct hit of Your awesome smiting power. Then, when they’re going over their lives with Saint Peter, just pop in and say “hey, I remember you, you fucking heathen” and then banish then to purgatory.
It’s not very ironic, I know and it doesn’t give You the option of an immediate smiting but time is nothing for You, God. It will just be like the blink of an eye and then You can dole out Your awesome punishment.
God,
I think the best smitting would be to make him not be able to die, then have horrible things happen to him like have a dog chew off his testicles, then another dog comes by and pees on the wound. Or have him get struck by lightening every hour on the hour until his skin is burned off then have a wave of salt water hit him. Or have a nest of bulldog ants form right under his skin on his back where he can’t reach it and have the bulldog ants pull rocks into it. they will pray for hell then!!!!
Josh
Curtis-
Once I take over, everyone will have to burn incense to his/her Dragnet. Because Dragnet kicks ass.
“This is the city: Los Angeles, California. I work here. I carry a badge.”
Der Dude, I just read your post #23.
I threw up everything I’d ate in the last 24 hours.
Bleah.
maybe you should pull a mystery science theater type of smiting where you make this guy watch carlos mencia over and over and over again. reruns of roseanne barr’s old talk show. pin back the eyelids and force him to watch kirk cameron’s “left behind” repeatedly. kind of a clockwork orange thing. i don’t know. or just have a dog chew off his testicles.
Eeww, Josh, you are one sick fuck! Be my friend.
EEWWW! Cracka! You’re even worse than Josh. I think I love you.
God,
Or you could just quietly pay him some money on the condition that he move to a remote area and never speak of the lawsuit again.
Then smite his ass!
I agree with Curtis. I want to breed with Josh and Cracka and have their fucked up and twisted spawn.
Sorry, Yo Yo. Imagine how Bridgette’s pastor’s wife feels!
huh. i’ll be damned. i guess nun’s holes spread enough for all of us…at once.
Uppity you’re sick! Rossane talk show, you took it too far. I think I’m going loose my lunch
Josh
It has more to do with the size of your bat than it does with the size of my holes, Cracka. Sorry, I just calls ‘em like I sees ‘em.
FACE!
God,
You want to smite this “jabronie” yourself or are you going to outsource this whacking….I mean job….I mean smiting.
Thoughts sir?
i got faced by nun when she implied that it’s not so much that her vag is gaping, it’s more that my man-parts are, how shall we say, diminutive. FACED! I TELL YOU, FACED!!!
yeah, roseanne…talk show…ouch.
My va-jay-jay is tight and cozy, thank you very much.
are you thanking the guy that carefully placed a false, smaller pocket vagina inside your yawning chasm of a beef curtain hole?
Jesus would never admit to such a thing so in short, I have no idea what you’re talking about, Cracka.
Oh yeah… Jesus isn’t gay. I take it all back.
jesus, thank you for placing a realistic false vagina wall inside my battered, blownout actual vagina. amen.
SHUT UP, CRACKA!!!
you mean ben.
…and the other guy said, “To hell with your flashlight, help me find my keys and we’ll drive out!”
Old joke.
Yo Yo,
Have you been reading joke books again? Shame on you, Yo Yo. That’s unacceptable.
Naaa…saw it on a locker room toilet stall.
Do we HAVE to talk about vaginas? Non offense, Nun, I’m sure you have a very nice vagina, but ick.
…it was probably copied from Maxim or Penthouse magazine.
Let’s talk about the names we give our private parts.
Like El Hombre.
Yes, Curtis. Most straight guys HAVE to talk about vaginas. Seriously, where you been???
I like to call my vagina ‘precious love-glove’.
Well I spend time in the theater, the garden, and keep a tidy house. Where do you think??
I’ve never assigned a pet name to my front parts, but I do have the nick name of “Pony”. No implications, just sayin.
Pequeño ratón de Bull.
HEY!! If we can’t talk about va-jay-jays how come it’s okay to talk about you being ridden a pony? That doesn’t seem fair. I’m always being discriminated against because of my vagina.
like a pony… sorry, Curtis but you excited me.
we speak american here! how many times do i have to tell you pinkos!!
Sorry cracka - it’s just that ‘Small Bull Mouse’ sounds better in Spanish.
I’ll go All-American, and call my private bits ‘The Whopper’. Or Quarter-pounder with Beef. Or maybe Big Mac (No, Jesus, You may not have any special sauce!)
Sounds like somebody is suffering from delusions of grandeur.
Suffering? No, I enjoy every minute of it.
Maybe I should use ‘Happy Meal’?
grandeur? are you trying to speak french in here now?!!! i wish i had smiting powers so bad.
whopper jr. and you know it.
With cheese.
What?
C3PO says grandeur. He’s not French. He’s merely a gay British droid.
nun, will you tell your crappy baseball team to stop coming back against my good baseball team, please? we’re in a pennant race here and this stupid raul ibanez fella keeps ruining my night. thank you.
NASTY, Yo Yo. You should go to the doctor and get that checked out.
damn everyone.
Cracka, if my crappy baseball team can spoil your pennant race then I’m sorry but your team SUCKS ASS.
On a football note, I hope God smites Brett Farve so hard that his penis turns inside-out.
Inside out? Would that turn it into a vagina? Are you saying Farve is a pussy?
my team doesn’t suck, though. they were in first place for 24 consecutive hours and then the cursed “west coast road trip”. ugh, happens every year.
i wish God would smite bert favor to minnesota where he would win two straight super bowls. i know, that’s not much of a smiting.
Nun, I’ve been to the doctor three times, the cleanup estimate is almost complete.
It’s always bad news when your doctor blanches and mumbles something about not seeing something like that since he left the Peace Corps.
Nun can we call your va-jay jay a fish mitten?
Josh
LOL!
I am saying Farve is a pussy. I’m so clever.
I also think we’re all spelling his name wrong but you know what? I don’t give a rat’s ass because Farve is a fucking pussy!!
Cracka, is it the Twins you’re talking about? I don’t follow baseball since we went 116 wins in a season and STILL choked in the playoffs. Stupid Yankees.
And Farve should be banished to play in Miami. HAHAHA… that’d learn him real good to not drop out of retirement.
At least it hasn’t fallen off yet, Yo Yo. That’s always a positive!
Surely, Curtis. Just don’t call it meat curtains, it doesn’t like it. Trust me, nobody likes it when my vagina aka fish mitten gets angry.
God,
Back to You in the (Football) News for a moment …
http://news.bostonherald.com/track/celebrity/view/2008_08_06_Tom_Brady_says_God_doesn_t_value_him_as_a_quarterback/srvc=home&position=recent
What DO you value Tom Brady as? Just curious.
Do we HAVE to talk about sports? No offense, Nun, Cracka, but ick! ;-0
Fish mitten, lol. Gross.
Nun, I pray to God every day, so far, Lil’ Yo Yo is hanging on!
Curtis, it could be worse, we could be talking about sports in Nun’s vagina.
Awww!! Poor Josh. I Curtisized him. I’m sorry, Josh!! I heart you, cutie!!
Yes, Curtis. Straight men HAVE to talk about sports. It’s just like vaginas and just between you and I, it’s the only thing they can discuss and sound somewhat intelligent.
gays. ridiculous. sports are awesome. vaginas are awesome. beer is awesome. video games are awesome. loud guitars—awesome. motorcycles-freakin’ awesome. silly gays.
and, yeah, we serve a biological imperative to talk about sports and to objectify women. it’s just hardwired in us. sorry.
HEY!! With the exceptions of the sports and vaginas, the gays like those other things too. Especially the motorcycles. Especially if there’s a leather daddy riding said motorcycle.
I don’t talk sports, unless it’s superbowl or NBA playoffs.
To paraphrase A Bronx Tale Mickey Mantle doesn’t pay my rent.
I do love motorcyles and vaginas.
Josh
Mickey Mantle doesn’t pay my rent either but I wish he would. D.J. Hackett and Marcus Trufant can move in with me while Mickey Mantle pays our rent.
Cracka, I’ll agree with “beer is awesome. video games are awesome. loud guitars—awesome. motorcycles-freakin’ awesome.” And I could be talked into college sports anyways.
Silly gays indeed. We like to do all the stuff your girlfriend won’t!
Nun, did you say “leather daddy”?? My favorite!
Nun I wish anyone would pay my rent. Instead I have to work a crappy day job and then chase my dreams at night.
Josh
Josh,
I have to let all these stinky men put their hands all over me. God! What a bunch of freaks!!
I know your pain, Nun. I’m not making any money though. I must be doing something wrong.
I have to give all my money to Antonio, my 6′8″, 350 pound pimp. If I don’t he beats my ass. And you know what?? If I make $300, he only gives me like $25 back. What a jerk!! I hate him!!
Nun, you need a new pimp. Perhaps you can sell coffee in Georgia (They have semi-nude coffee shops there) or you could work in Hedie Lice’s new laudromat.
Just remember this, if you ever need a job you can cut my grass for minimum wage, and by cut my grass I mean let me play with your fish mitten.
Josh
Where you live at, Josh? Just don’t tell Antonio.
New York Fucking City
Yankees or Mets, Josh?
God, I was so upset after reading this that I decided to run outside and punched everyone who lives on my street in the face- all in Your name.
Eww. I better log in next time I comment on my God fearing adventures.
Nun,
Neither. Although I hate the Yankees fans more. Go back 15 years and people hated the yankees, now that they are a winning team people love them. My father was a Mets fan if that counts for anything.
Josh
God, on the topic of justice, what’s the deal with that black guy who called himself God and got arrested for selling drugs outside a church not too long ago?
Another rainy day - this has been a very poor (or is it pour) summer.
I’ll blame it on the Greenhouse Effect, like my parents blamed everything on nuclear testing: “Sure is hot” “It’s because of the Atom Bomb”.
“Boy, how about them Red Sox?” “Atom Bomb”. “Cat had kittens!” “The Bomb.”
Josh,
Your dad was smart, the Yankees suck. I like to reserve a small corner of my hate for Alex Rodriguez alone.
Brett Favre got traded to the Jets. Poor Jets fans.
Yo Yo,
We finally got some sun in my neck of the woods. Thanks God!!
the jets. what a joke.
it hasn’t rained in minneapolis for weeks.
been 90 and humid and sunny.
it’s that darned global warming, gotta be.
crap.
sports and weather? the blog is dying. who’s got something funny?
I killed a homeless man last night. I cut off his weiner and mounted it above my fireplace.
Is that funny, Cracka?
YAAAAYYY!!! THE JETS GOT BRETT FUCKIN’ FAVRE!!! WHAT A GLORIOUS DAY!! WE DON’T SUCK ANYMORE!!!!
I can’t wait to win the superbowl and hoist that lombardi trophy over my head and drink the sweet blood of our conquered foes from it.
Cracka - it’s summer. what else is there besides sports and weather? it’s what makes us happy. and don’t tell me to shutup. please. please.
ben, seriously dude, shut up. i’ve been watching the NFC North since i was 5. if brett favre could win the superbowl for a mediocre team the packers would have 10 rings. he throws picks, ben, picks. more than anyone else ever. your team will NOT win the superbowl. the jets still suck. sorry.
now, nun, that makes how many weiners above your fireplace? speaking of which, may i have my weiner back?
Ben,
You have mistaken the new ‘Pussy Brett Favre’ with the Brett Favre of yesteryear. They may share a slight resemblance but that’s where the similarities end, Ben.
The new ‘Pussy Brett Favre’ is not a good football player. He is merely a whiner who will stand on the sideline, soak up attention from the fans and cry when the management doesn’t run the team the way he wants.
Also, he is not anatomically correct. I’m serious!! Pull his pants down and you’ll see that he’s just got a little bump like a Ken doll.
Cracka, I rotate the weiners above my fireplace. I like to keep 5 weiners mounted above my fireplace at any given time.
And no, you may not have it back. I won it fair and square.
You are wrong! We will drink the sweet nectar blood of our opponents and spike footballs down their bloody neck stumps!!!
…you’re just jealous of our QB.
cRacKa - he also has thrown more TD’s than any QB ever. Duh.
I’ll give you this, Ben. At least you have a QB now. hahahaha
ben, don’t say “duh”. brett favre throws picks because he cares more about his stats than any quarterback in history. he heaves the ball downfield hoping for big plays. over the course of 16 years many of those have resulted in TDs…many in picks. he also threw a lot of screen passes in the 90s that resulted in TDs. he’s not as good as you think he is. your team still sucks.
jealous!! the Jets will have a better record than the viqueens or the seaschmucks this year. guaranteed.
Hey Ben, What’s the color of the sun in your world?
Can we get back to abusing the feeble minded, like Bridgette?
Football is boring to watch and even more boring to talk about.
dude, if you don’t like football you need to leave america.
ben, if the jets are better than the vikings this year i will personally fellate you. that’s how confident i am. the vikings offseason acquisitions are worth ten 38 yr old interception machines.
bridgette, you’re still dumb.
Cracka,
How did you know that I’m going to move to my banana/coffee/bamboo/teak farm in Costa Rica?
Dude,
Can I go with you? My pimp is really mean.
Nun,
All my friends are welcome to come down. I’m going to return to my hippie roots and have a commune (of sorts).
Dude, you have a farm in Costa Rica? My girlfriend is from there. I hear it’s paradise.
Hippies and a commune???? I’m so down with that.
Ben,
Yes I do. I bought it years ago when the so-called moral majority began rearing it’s ugly head into politics.
CR is paradise if one takes a little care. Petty theft is the national pastime. It’s only a problem if one flaunts wealth or leaves stuff unattended.
Every time I go down there, I find myself wondering, is God up in the USA at some mega-church, or is he hanging around here somewhere with all the critters and plants?
the only thing costa rica is missing is football and more white people.
I remember when the superbowl had great commercials. Now it just sucks ass, although last year when the NY Giants won it, it was pretty good. People in NYC where shooting guns off in the streets.
Josh
isn’t that everyday in NYC?
cracka,
not in unison. that only happens on big occasions like the Giants win or 4th of July. It’s not that bad since Rudy Fooliani “cleaned” up the city.
Josh
cleaning is for women and slave-races (you know who you are)
oh uppity, you’re just so damn uppity. too bad your a light skinned puerto rican trying to pass for white.
Josh
by the looks of my unibrow avatar i’d say you’re about right.
Cracka’s avatar is yellow, that means he’s Asian and God hates him.
FACE!
Ben- I thought you were dead.
stupid spirit.
new one
not very white
whiter?
damnit!
last try
guess i’m just white on the inside
No, he’s not asian in that avatar. His eyes are too wide. He’s just Irish.
irish, eh? because of the severe jaundice? mmm….boooze.
He’s one of those funny looking Asiamerican hybrids. Yellow Asian skin and big American eyes. You’re a freak, Cracka.
I’d say that would make him mongolian.
sorry, I meant to say: mongoloid.
mongolian/mongoloid… same thing, Ben.
whatever, nun, your avatar doesn’t look like a nun OR a whore!!
That’s because my avatar reflects God’s massive love for me, complete with all the spikey things He likes to stick on my head. God’s a little bit of a freak Himself.
uppity,
YOu can never recognize a true nun or a whore, that is their gift and their curse.
Josh
wow, you “ethnics” sure know a lot about freaks. one thing a cracka CAN recognize: a left wing conspiracy.
Uppity,
It’s not that we know a lot it’s just that white privledge allows you to know very little, and you don’t care about non-whites too much. You WASPs are too much.
Josh
PS - Do you really think Josh is an “ethnic” name? Come on cracka, starting acting like a damn cracka and smarten up!
I was wondering when I gave the impression that I’m an ‘ethnic’.
how do i know what kind of fakey made up name you gave yourself? the point is that i am better than everyone else. it’s science, man.
What’s mine?
Mines gay. I look like my uni-toothed fifth grade science teacher who always conducted experiments with me in the janitorial closet.
I still scream when I see a mop.
He still sends me cards on Columbus Day though.
He didn’t use butter on the mop, did he Weasel?
nun, you’re a woman. that’s close enough. plus, you have all these “opinions”. i like using quotes today.
what kind of experiments, weasel?
Women are ‘ethnics’???? I thought we were just minorities!?! Damn it!!
He called them “taste tests.”
And it didn’t taste like butter.
But the texture was like butter, if you left it butter on top of an Arkansas hog barn in mid-June.
He made you suck on the mop?? Weasel, a moron attempted to molest you but was too stupid to properly do it.
Out of the goodness of my heart, I would like to show you what it’s really like to be molested, Weasel.
Finally, a good, down home molestation.
Will there be candles?
Always. They serve many purposes.
all i can say is i can’t believe there’s a NASCAR fan who shaved a 3 on his back. then again, maybe it would be more shocking if there wasn’t.
Thank God he doesn’t follow #455. Though, it probably wouldn’t matter.
NASCAR is a cracka sport so us ‘ethnics’ don’t know nothin’ ’bout your precious NASCAR. Who’s 3?
Who knows?
I’d rather boil my eyes in emu urine than endure a NASCAR race in its entirety.
oh, crap, i dropped out of character for a minute. #3 is dale earnhard. died in a crash. they (rednecks) think he was magical, like brett favre or jesus.
i’m sure he has a hairy brother and a hairy sister that could sit next to him to complete the number. every time she hears a show-your-tits chant she lifts up two matted, pube-like waves of hair from her chest.
God loves ethnics more than whites. Who do I know? The number of retarded whites is much higher. I know a white guy who has three kids and two are autistic. There’s a Puerto Rican guy down the street has 8 kids and they’re all strong as an ox.
Josh
then removes the baby she lost under there.
no, God just holds us whites to a higher standard. we are expected to oppress and smite on his behalf. i guarantee the only retard breeders you’ll ever meet are liberals or hippies of some kind.
Boiling eyes in emu urine is foreplay where I come from, Weasel.
cracka said: “every time she hears a show-your-tits chant she lifts up two matted, pube-like waves of hair from her chest.”
Dude!! I thought I was gross.
God,
Can ‘ethnics’ smite on Your behalf? Or is that privilege reserved for Your white children?
don’t doubt yourself, nun, you’re plenty gross.
last one of the day! i win!!
not really. just like an uppity cracka to claim victory before it is so. mission accomplished?
Josh
uh-uh. i win.
what’s this game called again?
I WIN!!!
Name that movie.
if i even got that quote 100% right.
shut up, ben.
the crackas always win…
do they?
Josh
yes, josh. the crackers win. if they lose, they change the rules, then they win. it’s a constant. it’s called bush’s constant. look it up.
cracka
aw man….
it was Big Daddy.
big daddy, that’s your freakin’ movie? shut up, ben.
haha. i know. not the best movie. but it has some GREAT moments though.
Steve Buscemi and Rob Schneider and hilarious together in that movie. They need to make a movie together, just the two of them. as the characters they played in big daddy. (the angry homeless guy and the ethnic delivery guy)
If you said big leather daddy, Curtis would show up.
Haha MotherFuckers!!
FACE!!
ASS!
That’s what big daddy was.
Josh
aw come on! there were some really funny moments in there. ok, well what about Zoolander? Can we all agree its the funniest movie of all time??
oh Jesus
God,
Back to YOU in the news … I think you need more hatred and smiting for John McCain. Matt Tiabbi of Rolling Stone says:
“This is not a guy who can get up in front of a churchgoing crowd in Asscrack, Arkansas, and start weeping to Jesus. In fact, he appears to deeply resent the implication that he needs to genuflect to the baby savior at all.”
http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/story/21896154/without_a_prayer/2
Check out the picture of Hey Zoos !
Oops …
Here’s that picture.
http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/story/21896154/without_a_prayer/
Did somebody say, “big leather daddy”??
HEY MUTHAFUKKA!! MY NAME IS NOT HEY-ZOOS! IT’S JESUS! AND I AM NOT GAY!
Jesus it is.
Good morning, all you hot tubbers in Bloggerville!
Another f*cking rainy day in Maine. One of neighbors is building ark, he says he got the plans from the Bible. Sadly, he is using knotty pine, so I don’t see much future in it.
i hope he makes it big enough to fit all the animals in…plus the food, plus the fresh water supply, plus the climate controlled cages…wow, how did noah do it?
God, your book is vague. how DID noah do it?
My Book is most definitely NOT VAGUE! I gave all the exact specifications for how big the ark should be. And he packed enough food and water for everybody.
Climate controlled cages?? Yeah, right. Now that’s just crazy talk. Noah didn’t bother about that shit.
He did shear the polar bears though. 2 of his sons died to keep those stupid bears cool.
Hey God,
What are the chances that You’d let ‘ethnics’ do Your work? I would LOVE to build an Ark and sail away with all Your blessed creatures. Any chance You’ll keep me in mind next time You decide to flood the earth? Please?
Nun, God commanded that Noah take the animals, two by two. Do you have a twin sister?
uppity, I used to have some religiot co-workers, they’d babble about how the Bible was absolute truth. I’d ask them the same questions you asked, and how did Noah feed the animals after the ark ran aground, etc. Then they’d change their tune, and claim it was a parable.
I’m not bothering with an ark, I’m looking at an end-of-season deal on a party boat. Gotta round up some women in bikini tops…
God, which two sons did Noah lose to the bears? Shemp? Larry? Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck!
Zoolander the funniest movie of all time!!! I have to say for the first time ever: Shut the fuck up Ben!
Cracka,
Noah even brought two mosiquitos on the ark and let them suck his own blood. That’s Godly dedication.
Josh
Yo Yo,
God can take me anyway He wants. I am His loyal servant. If He needs a twin then He can clone me.
The rest of you can wait in line. Greedy bastards.
well, do you at least have some hot friends?
zoolander? wow, that’s pretty ridiculous.
I’m the hot chick. That means all my friends are fatty-fatty landmasses. Don’t you know how things work, Cracka?
yeah, well…a guy can fantasize openly can’t he?
You like fatties, Cracka? Roll her in flour and look for the wet spot.
Nun,
you’re math is wrong. Usually there is one fat chick surrounded by hot chicks, much like the sun and the planets or like Rerun in “What’s Happening” when he was put on the dance team, remember 5 rockets and a moon?
The fat chick gets drinks and does other manual labor, and also posts bible verses online for her hot friends.
Josh
Paul McCarthy jut wrote a love song about Heather Mills.
I wonder if it’s called, “Burn, you gold-digging gimp”?
that’s true, nun. fatties travel in packs unless separated from the herd by one hot girl who wants to look even hotter or a group of slightly above average looking girls who need a lackey. there’s rarely one pretty girl brought into the herd. she can’t compete for nourishment and dies off during the first winter frost. it’s darwinian.
You guys have it all right except you’ve forgotten how exceedingly clever I am. If you think I can’t outwit a pack of brainless fatties then you have severely underestimated me. I keep a gaggle of fatty-fatties around as protection. If I ever have a problem or feel threatened in any way, I just go fatty-tipping. Nobody fucks with me when I’m with my gang of fatty-fats.
I wish somebody would chop off Heather Mills’ other leg.
Do you guys think God appreciates our conversations? Or do you think he comes in here every morning and thinks “Me-damn it!! Fuckers have defiled My Divine blog again!”?
I think he likes it. He always comes down hard on commenters when they do something that displeases Him. And he shows love to us all the time. Well, not me, but he gave you a lifetime supply of kind bud nun.
I don’t know what he’s ever done to show love for cracka or yo yo or josh though.
Ben,
That’s how silly you are. God loves me and he’s given me life and everyday he lets me live that’s what he’s done for me. My smitting have always been light and deserved. God is good all the time.
Josh
shut up, ben. i mean it this time. God has voiced his wish for me to be more oppressive at times, but also that he finds me mildly amusing, at least amusing enough not to smite. so, shut up, ben. just shut up.
It doesn’t have anything to do with being amusing, Cracka. It’s because you’re a fucking cracka.
that could be it, too. i guess He never said that i am amusing, just, “He pleases me.” whatever that means. white power!!
White power! If you have hate in your heart let it out!
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/291638/clayton_bigsby/
“he pleases me” could be something sexual. What have you been doing with God, Cracka?
I love Dave Chappelle. I like when Wayne Brady is on his show.
Is Wayne Brady gonna have to choke a bitch??
Classic!
Hey Nun,
I was blessed with going to DC show tapings twice!
I even once got in an “argument” with Dave, it’s a sad story that didn’t turn out how I hoped.
Josh
Ooo Ooo Ooo… I’m giddy with excitement!! Did you get to smoke a blunt with Dave?? Tell me everything!
argument, huh? all right, what happened? (this better be good)
nun, i’m not at liberty to discuss it but i can say this: God’s hatred of anal isn’t exactly a two way street.
basically I got drunk and poked Chappelle in the chest (he’s a small dude in person) accusing him of a few things. He was high as a kite. His body guards stepped up to hand me the beat down. A friend of mine wrote for his show and he happened to be there and save my life.
If I gave you details it would be better, but then you’d know who I was.
Josh
well, wtf? what do we care who you are? you’re responsible for the cancellation aren’t you, you chest poking son of a bitch?!!!!
i see that russia just invaded georgia so i hope you don’t have family in decatur or atlanta.
Josh, I have come to the conclusion that you’re Eddie Murphy, Charlie’s brother. Please stop making movies, Mr. Eddie.
And you’re the reason why Dave ran off to Africa, aren’t you?
yeah, you used to be whole lot funnier.
Heather Mills’ middle name is Eileen.
Or maybe Yo Yo is really Eddie Murphy.
maybe i’m that guy who does the voice for movie trailers.
Well, fuck… all these damned celebrities. Is Gillian Anderson here? I love her.
By the way, I’m Carrie Fisher. You should all love me for playing Princess Leia.
Actually, I’m manic depressive, I did the voice for Tony The Tiger, but only on my ‘up’ cycle.
Up cycle: “They’rrrre Great!”
Down cycle: “Meh, yeah, sugar, whatever. I’m going back to bed, don’t bother me until after noon.”
Loved Carrie Fisher in the gold bikini!
Yeah. I’m hot, aren’t I? The metal bikini sucked though.
And Yo Yo, call me wacky but I always had a crush on Tony the Tiger.
Grrr! Meyowch!
lol good one yo yo. that made me spit up my coke.
Captain Crunch on shore leave: “Sooo, where can I find a hooker in this town?”
(the Tony the Tiger bit)
Heh, I thought so!
Captain Crunch is a pussy.
Sounds like Josh is in show biz, or something like it. Does that explain why you critique the humor here, Josh?
haha. nice! i love cereal character humor. my favorite cereal is possibly cookie crisp.
so who the heck is Josh?? he must be someone whose name we may have heard of before. I would say he must be someone in comedy, like a standup comedian. that would explain his analyzing and judging of joke book jokes. who is he? who??? aghhhh! the curiosity is killing me!
Captain Crunch, like many sailors, is as gay as a Maybasket.
wow, we posted the same thought at exactly the same minute yoyo. we have some crazy parallel thinking going on.
Josh, if we guess right, will you ‘come out’?
Scary, Ben. Hmmm…wanna double-team Nun?
ok, but i get her left ear. that’s MY ear.
LOL, np. I have other orifices to use.
Ben, you do NOT know how to double-team at all. And to think that I was excited for a minute.
I think Josh is scared he’s given himself away. Either that or he is Eddie Murphy and is really pissed off at me and Cracka right now.
this is my first guess as to who josh is:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qMSrpZi_6WM
or maybe this guy, he’s from NY:
http://www.joshuareynolds.com/
Jeez, I don’t know if we should try to out the poor guy. If he wanted us to know, I’m sure he’d tell us.
you guys have never heard of me, I am sure. I’ve been on TV but I’m a fucking nobody. But telling that story about Chappelle could burn a few bridges.
Josh
aw…don’t be so hard on yourself brotha. you’re not nobody. you’ve been on TV!! i can’t say that. ya gotta build yourself up, put out those good vibes. no one else will.
anyway, yeah, we shouldn’t try to compromise anyone’s identity here. that would suck.
Screw Chappelle - he might run to South Africa again, so no worries. Of course, if he doesn’t, he might come up with a comedy bit called Fuck Josh…
Come on, Josh. You know you’re not even halfway funny, DC incident or not. The only way people would laugh at your act is if there was some mentally retarded idiot sitting in the background behind you.
God, we do love those retards…
Damn it Lucy! I had these people believing I was a somebody.
Josh
Maybe one day you’ll get a stroke and get funny, Josh. Keep the faith.
Lucy,
You are right the funniest I ever was, was when I was in a wheelchair!
Josh
I was on television once. I tried to wave, but the handcuffs were too tight. Damned handcuffs.
Errr, what channel were you on, Curtis? Did your act have a white tiger?
No white tiger, just a white beer stained T shirt.
Hmmm…Ten o’clock news?
I’m famous!
you should shave your favorite driver’s number into your back hair then.
I’ve been on Cops 3 times. WOOHOO!! I rock!!
I was wondering what kind of films you were in, Nun, but wasn’t sure I wanted to know…
I won’t tell you which films I’m in, that would give away my identity.
Well, we don’t usually see your face in the movies…
…don’t usually see my face in those movies, either.
You see my face, Yo Yo. You’re just looking at something else.
Pervert.
Pervert? Well, yeah!
I heart perverts.
Wink, wink, nudge, bit of a goer, eh? eh?
Likes photography, does, she?
no time for the old in out, love, i’m just here to read the meter.
All this talk about perverts has made me horny. When I get horny I like to take off my shirt and run around my suburban neighborhood until somebody calls the cops. My neighbors are such uptight prudes.
well, nun, i don’t know what you look like so i’ll imagine what i want.
God, may i inquire:
is the westboro baptist church correct in assuming all the smite that rains down is because we fail to decapitate any man who performs anal on another man?
or is this the right church?:
http://www.godhateseveryoneexceptforus.com/bigotsbio.html
LOL! Did you read the Purpose page, Cracka? God hates the whole universe.
i know. it’s pretty good.
the eastboro baptist church are the only people who understand that God hates the whole universe. unlike the westboro baptist church who think He just hates fags. so, it’s clear, the eastboro baptists are the only truly righteous bigots left on this damned planet.
No wonder God is so angry and full of rage.
haha that’s a pretty funny page. the question is - is it satire? I wonder how long that’s been around, or which came first, that site or this blog.
RAAARRRGGGHHH! That website is false and full of lies!!!
I do NOT hate the whole universe, and there IS NO eastboro church. It’s mindless blasphemy!
Hey, where’s my link, God? These guys should see the hotness that is me. Damn! I can’t even believe how hot I am in that picture.
looks like somebody’s gonna get some holy smite all up in their shit.
http://www.princessleia1.com/pics_pictures/1/princess_leia_4.jpeg
That’s what I look like, Cracka. Damn!! I’m so fucking hot. I’d fuck myself if I could.
YES!! There I am in all my sexy glory.
Thanks, God!! And thanks again for hooking up my link. My heart is full of love for You, God. How do I do that anyway… is it the code?
WOW!!! wait a minute, why can’t you fuck yourself?
Oh… it took out the code I typed so now I just look like an idiot.
Because I don’t have a real penis, Cracka. Sometimes synthetic penises just don’t cut it.
i see. you would actually like to climb on top of yourself with a penis and pleasure a version of you. that’s different.
Did you see that picture of me?!? Hello!! You’re damn right I want to tap that sweet ass.
i could see that. actually i would pay to see that.
I’d probably pay to see something like that too.
god,
when are you going to give the mammon-worshipping, ass-fucking executives at NBC a hefty smiting?
Amen to Pharisee.
Are you talking about last comic standing? Sucked balls.
Josh
hmmm, or maybe the Olympics??
315 comments. Jesus H. Christ!
By the way, the “H” stands for Herschel. I have it on good authority.
Yo, Cracka. Did your Vikings forget they had a game tonight? They sent a bunch of grandmas to play in their place.
FACE!!
Damn it!
josh and ben:
i’m talking both about the olympics and that last comic standing -
NBC’s wanton greed and idiocy.
i pray that god does what he is best at.
So… God said there would be something special happening on 08/08/08, and, other than all-out war almost maybe being on the verge of possibly breaking out in Russia sometime in the future, [i]nothing[/i] did! What’s up with that, God? Or was the witty back and forth going on in Your Blog the big thing that was coming?
Disappointed —>
Lou
God- Three fourths of you angels are with me. I will soon attack heaven. You will lose and I will win. I will be supreme ruler. Why, why?! BECAUSE I HATE YOU!!!!!! That’s why!! All
will be mine!!
God- Sorry, I am on anger-therapy like you. I know what it feels like. But thats what i’m doing!! (vengeful smile)