Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and sob before the Wonderful Words of The Lady Madonna, as written by The Blessed Virgin Mary herself!
Shalom! Shalom everyone! It’s me, the Blessed Virgin Mary. I thought I’d take a break from appearing to you all in grilled cheese sandwiches and restaurant drains to give you my perspective on God.
Now listen up bubbalas, you would think that being nailed by the Omnipotent Jehovah would have been the thrill of my life. Well I’m here to tell you, not so much. Oye. Truth be told, the whole immaculate conception experience was terribly overrated.
God’s schmeckle must be puny because I didn’t feel a thing. There was no foreplay, no fondling of the breasts, no licking my loch, no divine sweet nothings whispered in my ear, no nothing. Just schtup, schtup, schtup and “see you ’round the stable, Mary.” Typical man.
God didn’t even have the common courtesy of telling me Himself that I was knocked up. He sent one of His angels, Gladys, to break the news. I was heartbroken.
A single mother indeed! I’ll tell you something else. Although I was quite the looker in those days (good skin, long brown hair, great tits), I was only 13. That’s right, God is a sexual predator. Imagine, He could have picked any woman in the world to carry His Son, and that schmoiger chooses a 13-year-old girl. That meshugeneh God has got some chutzpah!
Jesus was an ugly baby.
So 8 and a half months later, there I was, full-blown and ready to plotz, when Joseph makes me schlep all the way to Bethlehem just to be counted in some fakakta census. What, they couldn’t make an exception for one pregnant girl? Oye! That Joseph, what a schmendrick he was!
So when we get there, do you think God had any of his angels call ahead to reserve us a room? Oh no, that shmageggi let me give birth to His faygala Son in some schlocky barn full of donkey dreck. Feh!
And who does he send to meet us there? These three fershtinkiners bearing worthless gifts of frankincense, myrrh, and more myrrh. Oye gevalt. And don’t believe that dreck that one of the kings brought us gelt either. Those greedy goys didn’t even bring me any water or at least something to nosh. Now that I could’ve used!
So what was supposed to be a mitzvah ended up getting all fakakta, and all because God is such a cheap schvantz-sucker. Oye gevalt! I hate that schmuck. If it’s not too much trouble, I suggest you all stop praying to him and pray to me instead. I’m a good Jewish mother, and a much better parent than God. You want some matza-ball soup? Eat! Eat! You’re skin and bones!
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WHAT. THE. FUCK. IS. THIS. SHIT……..!!!!
Dang Mary, you got some sass. I’m diggin’ it.
wait Mary….you’re Jewish? I always thought you were Catholic.
Yo Mary yo! Why you frontin’ b?
Yo bitch, God gonna slap the taste out yo mouth yo!
what? god can’t even create a big dick for himself? how many times did he come?
SHE’S LYING!! I’M HUGE!! MY PENIS IS BIGGER THAN THE ENTIRE PLANET MARS!!
AND THAT WASN’T ME FUCKING YOU MARY!!! IT. WAS. THE. STUPID. HOLY. SPIRIT!!!
About that census thing. Censuses weren’t really done that way, so that kind of gives away the whole thing as a big sloppy yarn you’ve been getting away with for two thousand years, doesn’t it? I mean, damn, couldn’t you have thought of something more believable? And then getting God to cover for your infidelities! And then pretending to be all gentle and Catholic. Sheesh, what a con artist. I dunno what He sees in you, but I think it’s a pretty bush-league scam, myself.
Pwnage. :-))
Blargera, that is one of the dumbest things I’ve ever read. Yep, Mary was a Catholic even though Catholicism didn’t exist yet.
Mary, you vixen!
I was the only one here who remembered your day, last week. Of course I was the only one who was actually there when you ascended, so I guess I had the upper hand on all these idiots.
Are you up for going out drinking on Saturday again, for Old Time’s sake?
Jings, Mary, “licking my loch”? Ye cannae be a virgin if ye hae a “loch” doon there! Ya lying wee hoor o’ a teuchter. Ah widnae be surprised if half tha Sassenach Roman army took a wee swim in that wee “loch” o’ yers. Awa’, ya bampot, an’ tak’ that wee bastard wi’ ye!
Whit kinda name is “Jesus” onyway? Does he play fitba? Ah bet he’s a goalie: “Jesus saves… but Ally McCoist scores on tha rebound!”
Thanks Mary for giving me a legitimate reason to believe anything that gets posted in this blog again.
Hey God,
I think Mary here needs a good ol’ fashioned smitin’. Oh, and here’s a can of whoop-ass. Might be useful.
Sorry Mary, God is way cooler than you. God may get angry sometimes, but at least He doesn’t try to guilt-trip like you.
GOD: “SHE’S LYING!! I’M HUGE!! MY PENIS IS BIGGER THAN THE ENTIRE PLANET MARS!!”
Bullshit, you got the same problem as me in your dotage…see my question under July, ain’t that why you let’em invent Viagra?
God’s penis is bigger than a whole Mars bar.
terps, we have proof that Mary was Jewish:
She claimed she never had sex.
Her son went into the family business.
She thought her son was God.
And her Son thought she was a virgin.
http://jesus-messiah.com/apologetics/catholic/mary.html
I still don’t understand why you gave your baby a Hispanic name.
Would it have killed you to name him “Frank?”
And by the way God, I hear you shoot your swimmers faster than the coach of the Iraqi Olympic butterfly team after a loss.
And that you drop seeds faster than an epileptic bird flying into a strobe light.
If you just shot a map of Hawaii on Mary’s belly, you wouldn’t have this problem, now would you?
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go watch Showgirls.
Goamins, brian t! It’s been a month o muins sin we hae seen yer hamel gizz. Are ye yit in schuil?
I always heard that Mary got pregnant beacause God whacked off in her bath water. Thanks for straightening that out, Mary! Oy!
Der Dude, I heard they did it standing up, they thought she wouldn’t get pregnant.
wait….this is GOD’S BLOG. How did Mary get on here??
Immaculate. Yeah, right. I’ll bet there were stains all over that cot.
Ben, she guessed God’s password: BIG_GUN.
[...] #41 God August 21, 2008 Posted by Skepdude in Humorous, Religion, Stuff God Hates. Tags: Christ, Christianity, Christians, God, Jesus, Schmuck, Virgin birth, Virgin Mary trackback CLICK HERE TO GO TO THE ORIGINAL ENTRY AT “STUFF GOD HATES” [...]
HOW THE HELL DID YOU DO THIS MARY?! I CAN’T EVEN LOG IN TO MY ACCOUNT NOW TO TAKE DOWN THIS TRASH!!!
THERE IS A TRAITOR IN HEAVEN!!!
Sheesh! Is this any way to talk to the Holy Mother of God?
For Shame! What a bunch of meshugine!
Lucifer - thanks for remembering. I had a lovely time. Out for drinks with you? Oye, it’s the shabbat!
Weasel - I have a penchant for the Spanish. His full name is Jesus Herschel Christ. Jesus H. Christ. I think it has a nice ring to it. My second son, his half brother, is named Frank.
“THERE IS A TRAITOR IN HEAVEN!!!”
Lucy, you got some ’splainin’ to do!
All I’ve ever asked from God was to have a nice condominium in South Beach, Florida.
Schmuck.
God said: “AND THAT WASN’T ME FUCKING YOU MARY!!! IT. WAS. THE. STUPID. HOLY. SPIRIT!!!”
I wonder if the Holy Spirit donkey-punched Mary.
FUCK!!
Mary,
God works in mysterious ways. That’s what Christians always say. If You didn’t get the condo it’s because You didn’t deserve it. Maybe You should have been a better fuck.
P.S. Am I supposed to capitalize for The Virgin Mary???
No, Nun. Only God Himself deserves capitalization.
Quite the contrary. I should be capitalized. I am the mother of God for Christ’s sake!
I was only 13 - what did he expect from a 13 year old virgin? Jesus!
Creativecat,
That doesn’t seem right. I believe we’re supposed to capitalize for Jesus too.
Mary,
That is no excuse, sorry. Way back when You were impregnated, it was common for 13 year olds to have sexual experience. You should have been better and then God wouldn’t have done You the way He done You. It’s always the woman’s fault.
I’ve heard teenage pregnancies were the norm back then. You didn’t tell us you were into lolicon, God!!
Lucifer,
Please tell me that you have a special place in hell for people like Joseph Edward Duncan III.
Mary,
I just wanted to tell you that I love your avatar. Wisdom, love and understanding radiate from your holy countenance.
Dude - What a mentsh! I’m kvelling here!
Now, go — eat your lunch. You look thin. I’ll pray for you now, and at the hour of your death.
I was raised roman catholic. I can’t believe I’ve been worshiping an old yiddish lady all this time.
Well what did you expect, Blargera? You sound more like a kakameyme Baptist me.
And don’t call me old! What a nebbish!
Did somebody just say my name?
Ma…ma….mom? I was an ugly baby? you think I’m a…faygala?
Dang, no one ever calls me a mentsh - always a meshugge. I am a shlimazl, oy.
Oh, Jesus. No matter what, you’re still my son and I accept you just the way you are, bubbala. Now go clean your room and then you can invite a few of your 12 men friends over for something to eat.
Jesus, Your mother kvells over your achievements.
However, secretly she wishes you’d become a doctor, met a nice Jewish girl, settled down somewhere, provide her with naches.
Invite that nice Luke over. He’s fabulous at floral arrangements!
Oye! From your mouth to God’s ears, Yo, but I’ve been waiting for 2000 years. Don’t be such a luftmensch.
Mom, I’m just not ready to settle down yet…plus, that would set a bad example for all the priests out there…
lolz
This is clearly my favorite entry so far - well done.
A question, though, for God: did you help co-write Dan Le Sac vs. Scroobious Pip’s “A Letter From God To Man”? Cause it says it’s from you, and it is kind of angry-sounding. If you did co-write, you need to get on the remix of that and spit some hot fire.
Jesus H. Christ. You’re breaking my heart, already. But no. Don’t give it another thought. Really. I’m used to babkes from you.
Just don’t start in with me, alright? And don’t mention that brassy tart Magdalen. She is NOT good enough for the Son of Man, I’ll tell you. Now, let’s have a little nosh and then we’ll talk about something else.
Tell me how your dancing lessons are going.
Thank you larryniven. It’s my first time.
BVM,
YOu’ve already used that line before
Josh
Mary, do you have any unmarried daughters? I have a cousin, he’s studying to be a lawyer, hes a bit of a macher, but is not a momzer.
Hush up, Josh!
Unfortunately, Yo, only the two boys. Jesus and his nebbish half brother, Frank.
BVM,
God is right about you. You’re such a whore you don’t even claim all your kids. Did child services take away James and the others?
Josh
Watch your potty mouth, schmendrick! Those kids were all foster kids, so no. Stop utzing me!
Careful, Josh, or Jesus will give you such a zetz to your punim you’ll act mishegoss!
I wish I spoke Yiddish. I am so thoroughly confused right now.
JOSH! DON’T TALK TO MY MOM THAT WAY MUTHAFUKKA!! I’M A POP A CAP IN YO’ASS!!
That’s right, Yo. You don’t badmouth the BVM. Jesus doesn’t smite quite as well as his father, but he’s taken care of a few nudnicks from time to time. He’s a good boy. A real gezundt.
That’s my boy! He gets so butch when he’s angry.
Nun - you could always google, you lovely shikse, you.
I love you mom. You’re all I need. Fuck the world.
I get such nachas from you, sweetheart. Not like your father.
Now give your mother a kiss before I go. I’ve got an appointment in Cancun. I’m going to appear in a tortilla! Oye! No rest for a mother, that’s for sure.
And farewell to all you goyim. This has been a fun day!
Zay gezundt, mazl tov, and shalom!
You two deserve each other, between BVM appearing in a tortilla and Jesus appearing on a cheeto. I’m not scared of either one of you food groupies.
The real power is with the G-Man. He made you BVM, He’s Joe Jackson and you’re just Tito. And Jesus, come on with your Tucap Biggie Lil Bow Wow speak, you’re gay. Just enjoy it. You’re 2000 years old never married, no kids, hang out with 11 other dudes wearing these long dress things and sandles! Come on dude.
Josh
Josh - you’re just jealous of their love. Jealous Josh. That’s what I’m gonna call you from now on.
Mary,
I did Google but I still feel like I’m reading A Clockwork Orange.
Ummm… Josh, who exactly is Tucap?
FACE!
Nun,
I think he meant Tupac.
At the risk of sounding bitchy, Dude… duh. I just wanted to point out his funny typo. When I see Tucap, all I can think of is Toucan Sam which is probably not what Josh was going for.
No prob. I didn’t know how hip you are, because lord knows that I don’t give a flying fuck about pop culture. The only reason I knew is because my draftsman is a youngster. Oh, yes and “Sandle” instead of sandal.
Yes… when I saw ’sandles’ I thought it said ’sandies’ at first glance and I thought about how much I hate those cookies.
I’m relatively hip but I like Meat Loaf which really negates all my hipness.
No Nun,
I meant Tucap, the most gangsta city in the Czech Republic, those dudes are crazy!
And BTW shut up Neb. I liked you better when you were Ben.
Josh
HA! whatever jealous Josh! I liked you better when you were Cooper.
Neb,
Shut up. I was never Cooper (And where did cooper go off and die?)
Josh
Josh,
Oh, that’s completely different… never mind.
Neb,
I do not believe Josh is Cooper.
And please, somebody, catch the SNL reference.
Josh - Talk more. You were cooper and you died.
where is uppity cracka?? did God smite him? NOooooooo!!!
Nun - what reference? I dont’ get it.
That’s what I was afraid of… I’ve gone and dated myself. Think Gilda Radner and Emily Litella.
I hope Gilda’s kickin’ it with God up in Heaven.
CRACKAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! WHERE ARE YOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooo???!!!
Only God gets the capitalization! Jesus is a little pussy bitch momma’s boy and Mary is a guilt-tripping whore.
it all makes sense now… BVM making all these appearances to people in South and Central American countries, and naming her kid Jesus.
Hey Jesus, I used to know a dishwasher named Jesus. And Jesus sat behind me in the 5th grade. And I used to know a coke dealer named Jesus, too. Have you been making appearances to me, or do I just live in an area with a disproportionate number of spics?
Crystal - That is just plain racist and I will not tolerate it. It is not the fault of My dear son if a bunch of wetback chimichanga-eaters want to name their children after him.
As to you ‘Virgin’ Mary, get the fuck off of My Blog and reset My Password or I will be forced to erase you from existence. With a snap of My mind, you never were and Jesus came from nothingness. The immaculate conception becomes the immaculate inception and this thing just keeps on rolling along without you. DELETE. THIS. FUCKING. POST. YOU. BITCH!!!
GOD CANNOT HATE GOD!!! IT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE!!!
And Mary said:
“My soul glorifies the Lord
and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,
for he has been mindful
of the humble state of his servant.
From now on all generations will call me blessed,
for the Mighty One has done great things for me—
holy is his name.
His mercy extends to those who fear him,
from generation to generation.
He has performed mighty deeds with his arm;
he has scattered those who are proud in their inmost thoughts.
He has brought down rulers from their thrones
but has lifted up the humble.
He has filled the hungry with good things
but has sent the rich away empty.
He has helped his servant Israel,
remembering to be merciful
to Abraham and his descendants forever,
even as he said to our fathers.”
Luke 1: 46-55
God, if there’s a post about how God hates God (a.k.a. you hating your very self) then of course it’s true.
The post must remain, for THE Blessed Virgin Mary speaketh the truth.
NO! For I do not hate Myself! That cunt-whore speaketh the dumb! This post will not, nay, MUST NOT REMAIN!!!
This must be why women get smacked around so much in the Holly Bibble….
Man, I hate that Holly Bibble bitch. I’d smack her around so freakin’ much!
According to Bridgette according to Luke, God did indeed donkey-punch Mary:
“He has performed mighty deeds with his arm.”
Holly is His name.
Virgin Mary. Any chance that you can be convinced to become a porn star?
Kind of a holly Jenna Jameson?
I can see the title of the first movie “The holly spirit and me”
Der Dude,
you have a draftsman? Are you engineer, or a designer of some kind? Just wondering.
Porn stars in the Bible? Jenny Does Jeruselem?
Well, well, if it isn’t The Virgin Mary. One of the few virgins I never got around too. Personally, I see nothing wrong with 13. It’s a great age. You may be a little bit older now but technically still a virgin. What are you up to on Sunday night? It’s after the sabbath. We could meet on Mt. Olympus, a few Dolmathes, a nice warm Haniotiko Mpoureki, some Ouzo to relax the nerves. I know a rabbi chef so it will all be Kosher and I promise more than just a quick shtup. Zeus throws lightning bolts. Ask Hera or any of my other baby’s mammas. Just throwin’ it out there. Your a sassy lady and Zeus digs that.
I think Der Dude is an architect or designer. Judging by his name I can imagine him dressed in all black with this black framed galsses daning around his studio to bad German techno. “Ya das funky musik ist better den das crappy Tupac you dumbkopf boy draftsman.”
Dispensah goes hee-ah?
dub-dub-dub-dubdubdubdubdub-dubdub-dubdub-dubdubdubdubdub
(german techno music song i kinda like)
Lx, Yo,
You’ve got something going there. Let’s start a business.
“Mary FULL of Grace” Starring Hoyce Gracie.
“A Lay on the Manger”
“We Three Kings: Bearing Large Gifts”
“Mary, ‘Mother of God’ your good!” . . . oh, I’m going straight to Hades for that one.
Yo yo,
I’m a low life civil engineer. I don’t like techno, though I really enjoyed Fripp & Eno’s stuff back in the ’70s.
Zeus,
Those are great! Funny porno titles are an art form unto themselves.
My favorite: “In Deanna Jones”
Damn Der Dude,
I had an awesome Sprocket alla “SNL” persona goin’ for you and now all I am pictuing is Michael Douglas in “Falling Down.”
Zeus,
Sprockets was pretty cool.
Deiter asks Woody Harrelson if he’s going to go to Euro-Disney.
Woody responds, “I’d rather have rabid weasels put in my trousers.”
Then they did a goofy techno-dance.
Deiter was cool!! I always wanted to touch his monkey.
Where is God and The VM, Vixen . . . I mean Virgin Mary? Why is there only one set of foot prints in the sand? God are you carrying me again? It’s been so long, that’s nice.
Zeus (by he way, you are my favourite deity)
After the “We Three Kings: Bearing Large Gifts”
they could do the
“Me and the Three Kings: the gift that just keeps coming”
Thanks Lx,
I don’t get much recognition anymore with the exception of My most recent Games which are on their final days. Oh and gay ass liberal arts college classes in Greek & Roman Mythology. Mythology my ass!
Lovin’ the title . . .starring “Goldie Coxx, Frank N. Dixx, and More”
I do NOT do porno! The thought. How would that look to all my Hispanic followers? Oye!
I might go on a date with you, Zeus, as long as you don’t become a shiker.
Oye - did you see that fakakta rant God made up on 84? Do you people SEE what cockamayme stuff I have had to endure for 2000 years?
Schmuck!
I see what You’ve had to endure, Mary but really, isn’t God so fucking HOT when He gets angry. Oooo, it turns me on.
Sweet Mary! It’ll be night you won’t forget. I’ll swing around in my chariot at about 8-ish.
Perhaps for the porno biz we could get a stand in like that hore Mary Magdalene?
As for God’s comments at 84. I got over my angry phase around 1000 years ago. Perhaps God needs a vacation. I suggest the Virgin Islands.
Zeus is moving in on God’s ex, without getting the go ahead from the G-man! It’s bros before hoes Zeus! BROS BEFORE HOES!
I think God and Zues need to have a no holds barred MMA fight. Let’s find out who the top dog of dieties is!
Well, Nun, I suppose God is pretty hot when he’s angry. Too bad he can’t channel that into some sort of sexual expression. I wouldn’t mind it a little rough now and then.
Zeus, Magdalene was a brassy tart, that’s for sure. That’s why I made Jesus dump her. That mumza was absolutely not good enough for MY son!
And you’re on. See you at 8:00. I think I’ll wear my new veil. I’m all shpilke now!
You’re not helping, Josh!
The Blessed Virgin Mary said: “Well, Nun, I suppose God is pretty hot when he’s angry. Too bad he can’t channel that into some sort of sexual expression. I wouldn’t mind it a little rough now and then.”
What the fuck!?! God is a crappy lay??? Say it isn’t so, Mary, say it isn’t so!
Nun, did you read the post?
“God’s schmeckle must be puny because I didn’t feel a thing. There was no foreplay, no fondling of the breasts, no licking my loch, no divine sweet nothings whispered in my ear, no nothing. Just schtup, schtup, schtup and “see you ’round the stable, Mary.” Typical man.”
Joseph, however, now that was different. He was hung like a donkey!
Yeah, Josh. As Mary would say, don’t be such a Mensch! Besides God and are are second cousins, twice removed. I am not a big fan of the extended family. Look what I did to Prometheus. Don’t make come at you like a spides monkey. I’ll do to you what I did to the Titans.
I did read that, Mary but God said it was the Holy Spirit and not Him. I don’t know who to believe anymore. All my Deities lie to me.
Holy Spirit my ass!
I call it like I see it Zeusy. God is a relative, you’re trying to pull some Jerry Springer shit here. Hopefully you will not end up on Maury.
God,
Can you smite Zeus? I’m pretty sure he’s engaged in anal of the homosexual variety.
The Holy Spirit did Your ass? I didn’t know You were into that kind of thing, Mary. That makes me feel less perverted. Thanks!
God’s a crappy lay and lies about it. The Holy Spirit fucks The Blessed Virgin Mary in the ass and Jesus is gay. I’m so disillusioned.
Josh - I have smoten Zeus so many times, what is one more going to do? He is referred to strictly as a myth; NO ONE believes in him any more. I have reduced him to posting lame videos on the intertubes. What could be worse than that?!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WDHLe5nESd4&feature=related
I AM NOT A CRAPPY LAY!!
THE SLUT MARY LIES!!!
I don’t think You donkey-punched Mary enough, God. I don’t think She’d be so disrespectful if You had properly donkey-punched Her.
Am I the only one that gets a chuckle from the image of God fucking some bitch and then donkey-punching her? Or is that just an indication of how perverted God made me?
I wonder if God has ever given anybody a Divine Hot Karl, or a Divine Chilli Dog or even a Divine Cleveland Steamer. I’ll bet God’s into all kinds of sick shit. You go, God!
God, that is totally not me. That is some crappy Seattle latte drinking hippie playing me! I mean look at my avatar, I am super cut. I kick ass: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HpfGe_gkMkk&NR=1
All I’ve got to say is, “ho hum” when it comes to God’s schmeckle. Why do you think he’s so angry all the time? One word: COMPENSATION.
FACE!!
CRAAAACCKAAAAA!!! oh….CRAAAACCKKKAAA!!!?
….
cracka?
“I think God and Zues need to have a no holds barred MMA fight. Let’s find out who the top dog of dieties is!”
Would Don King promote it?
Zeus,
That video you posted was gay! and I don’t mean gay like two hot dudes doing anal, I mean gay like a 7th grade kid uses the word gay.
You couldn’t even post a real pic, you have to use CGI and spanish subtitles! To me that proves you’re the idiot in the video God posted.
Wow, Mary is really smack talkin’. That’s saucy! Zeus likey the saucy dames!
I’d do a cage match with God. I got a few thousand years on him but I don’t feel a day over 2000 and I’ve been hittin the weight’s lately that along with my recent training in Krav Maga and mixed martial arts, I’m ready.
Josh,
Crap you’re pissin’ me off. That battle was like 4000 years ago. They didn’t have Digital Camcorders back then Stephen Hawking. How else would we re-create that most awesome battle. Jeez, Spielberg wasn’t available and far be it from me to not share my story with 1/4 of the world - thus, the Spanish subtitles.
Excuse Me Zeus, what the fuck are you talking about, you “got a few thousand years on Me.” Are you out of your fucking mind? Nothing existed before Me.
I CREATED THIS FUCKING UNIVERSE AND I CAN TAKE YOU OUT OF IT AND THROW YOU INTO A WORSE ONE IF I SO CHOOSE.
PS - You are a fag.
Alright, alright…I was referring to you pissant son…or You reincarnate or whatever. Jeez were family. You were always the angry one at the family reunions.
Oh that’s right, Zeus. I’ve HAD 2000 years of that schmuck and I’m not going to take it any more. God’s a real chaza.
You’ll see just how saucy the BVM can be on our little get together!
(Nun, can you give me some tips? It’s been a while)
Now, if you’ll excuse me. I have an appearance to make on a mouldy ceiling tile in Brazil. Busy, busy, busy.
Zeus,
You’re proving what a weak ass god you are!
You couldn’t even travel forward in time, buy a camcorder, then go back a tape the battle? Of course Speilberg wouldn’t shoot it for you, he’s a Jew; one of God’s chosen people. What a looser Zeus! You couldn’t even get McG to shoot it for you. BTW - like your dress in the video, homo.
Real God all the way!
Mary,
Yes, I can give You some tips.
1. Swallow, don’t spit. God doesn’t like it when You spit. Although… You may want to spit for this very reason.
2. Clench. Practice Your Kegel exercises and clench as much as You can. This will help You avoid the dreaded donkey-punch and yes, Zeus will donkey-punch You if given the chance.
3. Grab a hold of the sac and do not let go. I don’t care what position Zeus puts You in. DO. NOT. LET. GO. Zeus will be less likely to donkey-punch You if You’ve got a good strong hold of his testes. IMPORTANT - Massage the sac gently every once in awhile so Zeus thinks You’re holding them for his benefit.
4. Touch Yourself. Zeus is a selfish lover and will not take care of Your needs. You must take care of Yourself.
5. Never, EVER tell Zeus he was a good lover. You must never let Your partner know that You enjoyed the experience. You need to have the option of telling him he is a shitty lover if he pisses You off. I think You have this tip down pat. I’ve only added it in the interest of thoroughness.
6. Bring a vibrator aka ‘boxed-cock’. There is no better way to make a man feel bad than to pull out a vibrator after he spent all his energy fucking You. All women must make a man feel bad after sex, it’s just the way things work.
I’m sure I’ve missed some things so please feel free to ask if You have a specific question. I’m always here for You, Mary.
I knew there was a reason I liked you Nun. You just earned yourself another surprise donkey-punch and a Cherubim Steamer.
Josh,
You freakin’ mortal! Why the Hades would I worry about going foward in time to get a camcorder to tape my victories? I’m freakin’ Zeus! After that ass smackin’ I went back to my crib and did with virgins, ate goats and drank wine. Pick up a book all my victories are in there. I prepferred scribes because at least with a book you have toa have half a brain to know the story. Now with you plebians I have the CGI the shit. And FYI, it’s a toga! Real men let it hang.
‘Cherubim Steamer’ is that anything like a ‘Cleveland Steamer’?
Note to Those Who Don’t Know: Do not google ‘Cleveland Steamer’ - you will be revolted.
Damn it Josh, you got me so pissed I can’t type.
Nun - I don’t care if my woman uses a vibrator, although I did get mad about all the batteries she was going through.
So I bought her rechargeable batteries.
I’m all about the environment.
God,
You like me because I have a wicked sense of humor(Your precious gift to me) and because I am not a loser. I love You for the very same reasons, God.
Your faithful and loving servant,
Nun
Awww, Yo Yo! Gross. Even for me. When you tell someone not to do something, inevitably they are going to do it. I didn’t even do that when Hera said she was going to leave me for God. I bet ya Josh has done a few Chili Dogs in his day.
Yo,
You’re all about your tiny penis. I’m sorry, bud.
What book is that Zeusy? God has the bible, you’ve got what? a freaking PS2 game? Homo. You’re such a winner that people talk about you all the time, I mean even in this Olympic games when the American’s where singing the National Anthem that mentions God, they were doing what for you? NOTHING LOOSER. You’re time has gone you daddy and baby killer.
Do real men also wear hair clips homo? Maybe my little sis can borrow one of your scruncis! GAY.
Zeus, yeah it is nasty, even by my standards. And I’ve managed to disgust everyone here at least once.
Fucking pussies
Nun, I got a fat wallet, so I’m thick where it counts!
The BVM and I were getting it on, she looked down and commented, “That’s not a schlong, that’s a schlort!”
AAARRRRGGGHHHH… Fucking Yiddish!!!!
Yo,
Money is easy to come by. A nice, thick cock are few and far between.
Josh,
I feakin’ load of books and scroll exhalting my life and dictating my laws! You ever heard of the fire at the Library of Alexandria and the invasion of the Mongols (heathen bastards). Well, burned. Every last one of them. Would have put it out but Poseidon was on spring break in Cancun.
Look, I freakin’ defeated the Titans, crushed the giant hundred headed monster Typhoeus that tried to invade heavan, stopped the Giants that tried to storm Olympus (as you saw in my excellent CGI re-creation), created the Great Deluge which flooded earth (unlike that namby flood by God with Noah and his silly Ark), had an eagle feed on Promethus ever re-generating liver for all eternity, created Pandora and that feakin’ box, punished Salmoneus, Tantalos and Ixion, orchestrated the entire Trojan War, fathered Alexander the Great, and boned virgins and non-virgins, as swans, bulls, silly mortals, and myself. What the crap have you done?!
I gotta agree with Nun on this one. Money can be earned, won, and spent…a thick cock, well that’s God’s gift to mortals. That can’t be removed…well, unless you’re John Wayne Bobbit.
Thanks, Zeus.
So… what you packin’?
All good point Zeus, so when can I pick up that scrunci? My lil sis’ hair is in her face. Homo.
“All my books god burned and I was powerless like a weak god, I couldn’t put out a fire.”
Dude, you’re a god who was bested by fire? You could have peed on it, unless you really have a small wang and you’re lying to BVM and Nun.
Ah ha ha, Nun u minx! I’m freakin’ Zeus so it is no average mortal package and that is not to mention all of the other imprtant assets, stamina, agility, and a keen knowledge of the female anatomy. After all those virgins the knowledge is keen.
Josh,
You are point the finger far too much and are way to homophobic. It’s okay. If you are gay or have small penis. Accept it or come out of the closet. We will still accept you.
Zeus,
Wanna fuck?
Josh,
Zeus has brought up a very valid point. We all know that it doesn’t take a real man to beat up Dave Chappelle. I love me some Chappelle but I gots to calls it like I sees it.
I’m freakin’ Zeus. Time and place.
Ha!
If you notice I only bring out the homo talk when I speak to Zeus (check my past postings). I know gods hate being called gay (I’m using the term god loosely when speaking of Zeus). I also notice that you gods talk about the size of your ding dong, so I tried hitting you were is hurts.
yes you go me I’m a closet homosexual that’s why I live in San Fran.
If you’re Zeus, can’t you just be fucking me all the time?
Dude! You can totally come out of the closet if you live in San Fran. San Fran LOVES the gays!
Josh, I wasn’t the first one to bring it up. I do beleive the penis thing was first brought up by The BVM, God, Nun, then Yo Yo, then me in response to interrogotorries. However, you bring up homosexuality in every single post. As you said, I call it like I see it. You live in San Fran. Great, then the transition will be easy for you. Go have a blast and meet a good man at the Lexington Club.
Sure, Nun, but far be it from me to turn down an offer. And besides sometimes I have to turn into a bull or a goose or some lame mortal and that is just a big pain in the kiester.
Thanks for the advice, Zeusy. Too bad I DON’T live in San Fran. Not only are you a weak god you can’t even read or remember I live in NYC.
I hate you Zeus! I had a test on you and all your buddies in the 4th grade! I failed it. I’ve hated you ever sense.
Zeus,
Can you manifest your massive size and skills in an already existent mortal? If so, I’d like to request that you manifest yourself in Johnny Depp and then come a knockin’ on my door. I’d even accept Matthew McConaughey, I don’t care if he is a smelly.
Well, I’m sorry you failed your 4th grade test and have held onto animosity for all these years. You should try to be little less angry. God has enough anger for all of us. Let him be the master of that domain. Try meditation it’s good for the soul…or maybe Kama Sutra with a new male “friend” from the Village or Meat Packing District. You’re familiar with the Meat Packing District, aren’t you?
Josh,
Greek mythology is so hard to follow. The goddesses were all the time fucking all the gods and some of the mortals. The gods were all the time fucking all the goddesses and some of the mortals. Mortals were birthing the children of gods. Cranky gods, cranky goddesses and cranky mortals. Not a good period in Deity history.
Nun,
I’ll manifest as Dep. He has street Cred, but McConauhey I refuse. He’s a slacker and way too cocky for a mortal. Sure he was great in Dazed n Confused but Fool’s Gold was crap.
WOOHOO!! Johnny Depp is gonna fuck me with a massive god-cock. Oh, I can’t wait. I’m giddy with excitement.
Most of McConaughey’s films are crap, Zeus. Except for the aforementioned Dazed and Confused which is one of the finest films ever made. I do like We Are Marshall but I’m a sucker for anything related to football.
Right, exception made for We Are Marshall, but because it was based upon a true story. See you tonight Nun
God,
Why did You smite Annie Lennox??? She’s like some kind of mortal/goddess hybrid and mere mortals are blessed just because she walks the same planet as us. Why, God? WHY??????
Please unsmite her, God. I’ll start an internet petition if I have to. We all know how powerful those internet petitions are.
A true story of God’s awesome smiting powers!!
Zeus,
You know nothing of NYC. The gays are in Chelsea.
The village is no longer the gay paradise it was (although my boss still lives there). And the meat packing district is mostly crappy clubs and bars and of course meat packing places.
BTW - I’m not gay. But I do forgive you for not giving me divine intervention on my test. I mean you could have made it easy for me by not being such a man whore, but you didn’t. I guess I should have studied harder or that bitch Mrs. Hannah could have made the test easier.
sorry for being angry towards you. God of War is a great game.
Nun,
what happened to Annie Lennox?
No hard feelings. You’re right about Chelsea. I just stated those two places because those ignorant to NYC always think the Village as being a behive of gay activity and the Meat Packing District because of the obvious innuendo. I’m quite aware they are all clubs and restaurants including that crappy over-priced, sucky, and overly-pretentious club Level 5. Risotteria is freakin’ awesome though.
Josh,
God smited her by doing something to her back so she had to have surgery. Now she has to undergo 6 months of physiotherapy to be able to walk properly. I don’t understand why He had to smite her. I’m so sad, now I’m gonna have to fake my orgasm when Depp/Zeus comes over tonight.
Wow, God. Even I’m impressed pinch nerve to the back! Foot like a dead fish. Not a full on smiting, just a little flick of the finger smiting. Was it her AIDS work or were you just sick of hearing “Sweet Dreams?”
You know Nun, if you’re gonna fake it I might just go some place else. I hear Noemie Lenoir is free this evening. Sorry, I know you’re in grief and all but as you said, “I’m selfish.”
Zeus,
You’re selfish so why do you even care if I fake it?? Besides, faking it includes ‘clenching’… you sure you want to turn that down?
god, you are a perv.
Zeus!
Our date is OFF!
SCHMUCK!!
Wow, say “clenching” again. It get’s me goin’. Alright, I’m back in!
HAHAHA!!
Maegan said on her blog:
“* Attention Prius Drivers in LA *
Can you please find it in your smug little selves to figure out how to put your foot on the gas pedal and push it down? The other drivers will thank you by not honking and flipping you off :)”
Fuck yeah! I have apparently been handling the Prius Driver abuse wrong though… I just pull out a gun and shoot them in the head.
Uh oh… Mary’s pissed. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned and I’ll bet The Blessed Virgin Mary comes with more scorn than your average mortal.
Mmmm…. clenching…. mmmmm.
Awww BVM come on. You were all with “I’m goin’ to Brazil to appear in mouldy cieling tile.” I was afraid next thing I’d know you’d cancel ’cause you had to appear in someone’s grilled cheese sandwhich. I think there’s enough room for one more. Nun, down for a little manage-a-trois?
Zeus,
If you bang a Nun and The Virgin Mary than you’re gonna have some major bragging rights.
Meagan’s a hottie and she has a pretty cool (albeit random) blog. We can invite her along too. Woohoo, manage-a-quatre!!
Nun are you really a nun? No freakin’ way that is? I ask ’cause you said “a Nun” as opposed to just “Nun.”
Off to celebrate the freakin’ weekend. Wine and women…after Nun perhaps some high school girls. In the words of Mr. McConauhey, “Alright, alright, alright…I keep getting older and they stay the same age.”
Why is it that you straight deities always want to have a threesome with two girls? I’d put down money that Nun would rather invite God than the BVM. She’d probably like to invite JC, but I don’t think he’s into girls.
Curtis, Straight deities like myself (as opposed to what’s been insinuated by Josh) want to have as many woman as possible. The Lord knows it is not limited to a threesome. The more the merrier in these situatation becuase as an immortal we never run out of juice (energy and the other kind) therefore a gymnasium full of young verile woman would be fine by me.
Evangelist Curtis would be correct. I won’t even switch teams for Gillian Anderson and she is one of my most favorite woman type persons.
God turns me on in the worst way. I don’t even mind when He donkey-punches me or leaves a Divine Turd between my boobies.
As for Jesus, I want to hang with Him and smoke the sweet, sweet chiba that His Dad blessed me with.
Zeus said: “Nun are you really a nun? No freakin’ way that is? I ask ’cause you said “a Nun” as opposed to just “Nun.””
Silly Zeus. If women give away their secrets then how are they to remain mysterious?
I’d go out drinking with you, Nun, ANYTIME because you’re just that cool. I, myself, never liked chiba.
Oh, wait - drinking drinking, not “drinking wink wink nudge nudge” drinking.
Perhaps we could pray the Rosary.
Awww. Evangelist Curtis, rest assured that I would also go out drinking with you ANYTIME because you’re just that gay and I love me some gays. It’s okay about the chiba… that means more chiba for me.
We could catch a midnight showing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Evangelist Curtis. We could pray the Rosary at the same time because I always thought the Rosary and Rocky Horror go hand in hand.
We are fabulous, us gays. I’ll do your hair before we hit the bars.
Cool!! Cuz, as you know, I am a hair illiterate.
I love the RHPS. You’re right, it would go well with the Rosary. Right after the time warp. It’s a date.
And with that — my weekend starts! WOOT!
Tim Curry is so fucking hot in Rocky Horror. All hail Tim Curry!
When the BVM got plugged back in the day, there probably wasn’t much frank talk about luv btw. girlfriend and girlfriend. So, Blessed Mama, why don’t you skip the penis and go for Venus?
I could charge money for this advice, but instead You can appear on a rice cake in my kitchen. Hurry, I need school supplies.
God created herpes, but Zeus sure helped spread it around.
And please stop calling them “vibrators.” They are “divorce aids.”
“divorce aids” implies that only the divorced may use them and that’s just CRAZY.
Hey, don’t blame me, someone else coined that term. I’m not divorced, but if the choice was a “divorce aid” or Zeus, or God, I’d line me up some serious, dependable batteries.
Zeus gets around too much, and God sends stand-ins. Icky, yucky, gross gross gross.
And yes, it is pathetic that on a Friday night I’m sitting here writing about God’s sexual habits.
Hey God, they make divorce aids for dudes too. They’re rubber dolls. There’s a Virgin Mary model. I saw it at Wal-Mart in the aisle next to the guns.
There’s a Tim Curry model too. You gotta love Wal-Mart. They know how to be multi-purpose.
Thanks very much for your site. I prostrate myself at the feet of real wisdom! Heh!
The comments are highly entertaining as well. I may have to visit here from time to time! It will serve as an antidote to the red-state predominantly fundamentalist area in which I live and deal with daily. If I begin to feel too tolerant of those folks, I will come here to cleanse myself.
JOSH!
a fellow san frangaytrannyho? say it ain’t so?
oh never mind. damn you josh, i was just about to be super stoked that there was a fellow god-blog devotee in my city.
never mind.
man, while we’re on the subject, after a serious bout of praise to dionysus, i could use some divine lovin. there’s none of it over here….
God,
Hey did you smite my confuser or what? Everything went blank for a while and now that it came back up I see the B”V”M has hijacked your blog and now I look like some kind of a johnson. Ew!
Crystal,
I’m in “outer Berkeley” in real-estate-speak.
Hey, Tony, what exactly do you mean when you say “some kind of a johnson?” Are we related?
‘johnson’ is quite often a reference to a man’s genitalia. Maybe Tony thinks he looks like a dick which was certainly true when he walked this planet.
And I’m sorry about your Friday night, Anne. Maybe one of those Tim Curry dolls from Wal-Mart would help.
Anne,
Only related by avatar eyewear, as far as I know.
Nun,
The biggest dick that ever walked the earth!
“johnson” means dick? I’m crushed. No wonder everybody’s laughed at me all these years.
Hail Mary, full of grease, why the fuck did you give me the last name “johnson?” Thanks a hell of a lot. I will get even.
Tony,
Not the biggest dick. The biggest dicks still hold the public offices that they stole.
Nun,
That was a typo. What I meant was … ick.
The biggest dick of them all is still Cheney.
[...] Artigo inspirado neste sítio. [...]
shut up, neb.
[...] mom lays the smackdown on god, revealing the truth about god’s size… or lack thereof. Tags: Creationism, links, Mary, [...]
Hey God/Mary/Jesus
Time to sort out a theological problemo… God’s a Trinity right? Father, SON, and Holy Ghost … three-in-one … co-equal and indivisible … in the Beginning was the Word etc. etc.
So… ummm… when you gave Mary her memorably unmemorable bang, where was the little boy, your pride and joy? Did he jump on in there with you and the Holy Ejaculate, or did he sort of stand aside nice and politely seeing as you were banging his future mama. Come clean Jesus–did you stick it up the birth canal before you came down it? There’s some nasty shit here that doesn’t bear thinking about. YO MAMA!!
wow….some good points Smoggy Batzrubble. Love the name and your avatar. They go perfect together. Sometimes a name and an avatar just fit so perfectly.
The Unpleasant Jew
Uppity Cracka
Bloodvork
and me of course
But yours is the best name and randomly assigned avatar I’ve seen yet. (bows reverently)
Take a look at the version of this in spanish…it’s got like 20 comments. for some reason this one has got them talking. wonder what they’re saying. anybody here speak spanish or portuguese or whatever that is?
Smoggy,
The whole immaculate conception thing is widely mis-understood; there really wasn’t any banging, as such.
Mary, who was a virgin and not married at the time, was actually diddling herself. What has come to be known as the “Holy Spirit” was a bit of God’s wad that squirted out of her own finger tip and knocked her up.
Jesus did not exist prior to this moment, of course, except as a gleam in God’s eye. The one standing politely aside (and jerking off) was Gabriel.
The whole “trinity” thing was just a marketing scam cooked up later by the apostles to sell gospel schlock.
Neb, you pathetic idiot. That’s not Spanish, it’s Portuguese. The first few comments were made by more intelligent, more interactive versions of Bridgette, who discussed if the article was more blasphemous than unfunny or more unfunny than blasphemous. This was followed by a few comments made by less intelligent, less funny versions of Yo Yo Ma Ma, The Weasel and Der Dude. Then the Bridgettes returned and made another few good points, and then there were Holocaust jokes, then mental retardation and atheism jokes, an out-of-character retort by the author of the blog trying to justify himself with freedom of expression. To cut it short, a huge big bore.
I’ll have their collective asses raped for all eternity by monster demons soon enough.
Lucifer,
What do you crackers have to say, then? The fact is that “you have nothing to say”. Will it be superficiality, levity and ignorance that characterize the new atheism? You who are an atheist and yet claim to take the bible literally are no more nor less than a cracker. Will be this the pinnacle of your atheism?
Richard Dawkins, Sam Harris, Christopher Hitchens, Daniel Dennet among others, make up part of a superficial and frivolous atheism, whose theological knowledge is at the level of a biblical cracker. If you follow this path, your atheism will not wake consciences, but confuse them and corrupt them. I challenge you to get to the bottom about what you think, without falling into the ridiculous humor that leads to a lack of interest.
Panão-
I’m the only cracker around here. Cracker is a spic, Curtis is a fag, Nun is a ho, Tony is a dick, and Neb is a retard and needs to shut up.
I agree with you 100%. The authors of that Portal Ateu are a bunch of idiotic and superficial atheists, and not even halfway funny. Josh would love them and feel right at home there. But I am not in any way an atheist. I’m a believer. I’m not even a believer, I have seen God. I felt His Love, pure and unfiltered. I was His Favourite and I loved Him unconditionally from the day I was created. That’s why I always start my day by coming here to His Divine Blog, to catch up on the latest Word.
You are more intelligent, more interactive and less scripture-quoting-bound than Bridgette, but next time you could do more than simply translating your original quote from that other blog and changing “creationist” for “cracker”. It’s lazy and unfunny.
I’ll still have your ass raped for all eternity by monster demons soon enough.
Cheerio!
- Lou
shutup, Spanish Bridgette.
(Miguel Oliveira Panão)
I don’t know what the significance of Bridgito’s constant use of “cracker” is supposed to mean or prove.
“I challenge you to get to the bottom about what you think, without falling into the ridiculous humor that leads to a lack of interest.”
Don’t you think that most of us who are now atheists got here by doing that very thing? That we weren’t brought up being taught to believe and educated in religion? Do you not think that there might be many here who used to argue for and believe in those teachings and after years of self-questioning and critical thinking, now sing a different tune?
I assume at least, that’s what the scientists who created me were saying when talking about “playing God” with each other.
“You who are an atheist and yet claim to take the bible literally are no more nor less than a cracker. Will be this the pinnacle of your atheism?”
FACE!!!
hold on…no, that doesn’t even make sense.
almost forgot:
shut up, neb.
it is not the best name here. jesus h.
Is Panão trying to say that athiests are all crackers? What a moron.
And for the record, I’m not an athiest. I am what is known in the Pastafarian circle as a ’spagnostic’.
Bloodvarks don’t have a nationality. Officially speaking, since the project was scrapped, we don’t exist.
What was the purpose of the experiment that created you, Bloodvork?
“Love the name and your avatar. They go perfect together. Sometimes a name and an avatar just fit so perfectly.”
Thanks Neb–and thanks GOD for picking my avatar for me. I trembled after making my post that the Big One might smite me for suggesting that junior had it in there with the Big Kahuna–but what Dad isn’t proud when his boy ‘comes’ of age?
Tony Snow I bow to your theological supremacy–of course economics would be at the bottom of it. A triumph of early capitalism–”THE HOLY TRINITY—THREE FOR ONE IN DIFFERENT COLORS AND FLAVORS.’
Smoggy
Nun, the dirty secrets and government cover-ups will soon be exposed. Stay tuned.
Ha!! That will never, EVER happen, Bloodvork. People may try but they’ll be discredited or executed in the interest of national security.
Dear Friends,
# 232 is a PROMT translation of Miguel Oliviera’s response to Ricardo Silvestre’s post of SGH on the Portuguese language atheist website PortalAteu. The term
“criacionismo” wouldn’t translate, so I called it “cracker”.
Lucifer,
If you thought the first 20 posts were boring, check out what happens later between Miguel and Ricardo.
God,
Thanks for the neat Panão wavatar!
Let’s see how they like this …..
Caros manequins,
Fechados!
O Deus Odeia Ateístas!
http://stuffgodhates.wordpress.com/2008/06/27/33-atheists/
Closed!
http://translate.google.com/translate?hl=en&sl=pt&u=http://www.portalateu.com/&sa=X&oi=translate&resnum=1&ct=result&prev=/search%3Fq%3Dportalateu%26hl%3Den%26client%3Dsafari%26rls%3Den-us
you talk funny mary…….
veeeeeeery funny……..
sorta like a “special” person in an asylum……..
http://stuffregisteredsexoffendershate.wordpress.com/
God may need to go to this site…
According to Mary, you may need to have a seat at the counter with me….
I’m just going to go ahead and say what the rest of humanity is thinking:
Get God to resurrect you, and we’ll show you what a good time is.
Hey BMV,
I’ll give you a roll in the hay you won’t soon forget!