Stuff God Hates

Aug 18th, 2008 by God

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Your Super-Handsome, Mega-Wonderful Creator

So I was relaxing in the Heavenly Hot Tub with a gaggle of hot naked angel chicks this weekend - having a glorious time I must say - when who should burst through the door and disturb the festivities but that sanctimonious prick Gabriel. He starts running his mouth about how I should heal some cancer patients for once and blah blah blah. Well, I told him what I always tell him – shove it up your ass, Gay-briel!

And Gabriel used to be such a hardcore badass.

Gabriel – what the hell is his problem anyway? Ya know, for My Angel of Death, that guy has gone way too soft. If he keeps this shit up I’m totally busting his ass down to guardian angel duty.

So anyway, the point of this story is, I hate cancer patients, ok? That’s why they have cancer. They were people I just didn’t like for one reason or another, but usually it’s because they have a lame personality.

And I hate them even more once they realize they have cancer. Before that, I enjoy it a great deal as I watch them fight with their spouses, complain about having to get up in the morning, and generally squander their precious last few months of life on frivolities.

But once they get cancer, they just can’t die quick enough for Me, because they get SO annoying. Right on cue, people who’d spurned Me their whole lives start hounding Me with their pathetic cries for help. They waste their lives, and then they waste their last breaths begging Me to change My mind. Sorry!

When I give somebody cancer, I don’t go back on it, ok? Call Me a prick, call Me what you heathens will, but I am the LORD, and I have principles.

This gorilla would gladly rape you.

Of course, those clueless doctor twits always attempt to thwart My Divine Will by ‘curing’ these people by making them look all skinny and bald. And sometimes they even succeed. But I always bring the cancer back later, or smite them even quicker, say, by having them fall off a ladder or sodomized by gorillas or something like that. This works even better as an overall smiting. After a person survives cancer, it fills Me with childish glee to then have them suffer an embarrassing and haphazard death.

Plus, this serves the double benefit of testing the faith of their family. I tell you, those who stop believing in Me, the LORD, over trivial things like this are not worthy of My Love. So you see, when people do manage to beat cancer, it ends up being a win-win situation for Me anyway. I always win.

And so I hate doctors, and cancer patients, and all the people who pray for them*. They’re annoying. If I give you cancer, just be cool about it, and maybe, just maybe, I’ll change My mind and cure you.

I, THE ALMIGHTY LORD, have spoken.

*I’ll tell you one thing I really love though – when people don’t have health insurance. This makes the whole process of killing them go so much smoother.

Tags: Cancer, Gay-briel, God

Posted in Health, People

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153 Responses to “#40 Cancer Patients”

on 18 Aug 2008 at 6:44 am1iambetterthanyou

You’ve seriously jumped the shark with this blog. You used to be cool and now you’re just being a prick.
on 18 Aug 2008 at 6:57 am2God

BITCH! YOU THINK YOU’RE BETTER THAN ME? WELL YOU’RE NOT!

I’M BEING A PRICK?! FUCKING RIDICULOUS! ASININE!

THE ALMIGHTY GOD IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT BEING A PRICK!!!
on 18 Aug 2008 at 6:58 am3God

On behalf of a young man who emailed Me this weekend named Christian Lamar,

If any of you are in the area, please go to the gathering at Daffin Park in Savannah, Ga., 2-4 p.m. on Sunday Aug. 24 to rally for health care for everyone. http://lifeomike.org/
on 18 Aug 2008 at 8:09 am4Natty

Love the caption under the gorilla.

Do the same rules apply for AIDS as for cancer?? Just asking like, don’t want to try it!
on 18 Aug 2008 at 9:16 am5Karin

Bacteria and virus are your creation too and you love them much better than humans, rigth along with bugs. We are just the last thing you did when you were really tired and had nothing left to work with except a bit of mud and a spare rib.
on 18 Aug 2008 at 11:10 am6Beef Diaper

You know what would be so Godlike? Giving cancer cancer!
on 18 Aug 2008 at 1:18 pm7Lucifer

If you get cured by cancer only to be then raped by a gorilla, it’s because I sent the gorilla, not God.

(Bastard always trying to take credit for my raping gorillas…)

“Magic is clearly the realm of Satan.”
- Bridgette 8:14
on 18 Aug 2008 at 1:24 pm8A Pharisee

here’s what would be uber-godlike: landing a book deal from a blog.

except that maybe it’s beyond god’s power.

publishing houses, prepare for the wrath of an unpublished god!
on 18 Aug 2008 at 1:38 pm9Ben

Pharisee - that would be cool. God deserves a book deal, um I mean he needs to put out another book. the problem is he’s too real. people can’t handle God’s truth. even his longtime fans like ‘iambetterthanyou’ still get offended. publishing houses definitely would never get behind stuff like this, although they do publish Ann Coulter…
on 18 Aug 2008 at 1:46 pm10Lucifer

Who the fuck are you people to tell God what is Godlike and not? Ben, shut up.

“Magic is clearly the realm of Satan.”
- Bridgette 8:14
on 18 Aug 2008 at 2:03 pm11creativecat

Don’t lie God. You gave Mike cancer cause you thought he was cool and you wanted to hang out with him.
on 18 Aug 2008 at 2:16 pm12Bridgette

This is evil!! God does not hate the sick and the dying! How would you feel if you or one of your loved ones had cancer and you read something like this? You are surely on the path to hell.
on 18 Aug 2008 at 2:42 pm13Lucifer

Bridgette-

Now you’re talking crazy. God can’t get cancer, nor can any of His loved ones. Only people He doesn’t love get cancer.
on 18 Aug 2008 at 3:41 pm14God

Natty - Of course I hate those infected with AIDS. That’s just obvious.

Creative Cat - Yes, in Mike’s case, it was because I wanted to hang with him. Like Carlin. But those people are rare.

Bridgette - Shut up you fucking hag.

Lucifer - Thanks for standing up for Me.
on 18 Aug 2008 at 3:59 pm15Lucifer

Acknowledge that the raping gorillas are mine, then!
on 18 Aug 2008 at 4:01 pm16God

No.
on 18 Aug 2008 at 4:03 pm17Lucifer

Bastard.
on 18 Aug 2008 at 4:03 pm18The Unpleasant Jew

cancer is funny
on 18 Aug 2008 at 4:11 pm19Lucifer

“This is… God… sick and… dying… surely on the path to Hell.”
- Bridgette 8:18
on 18 Aug 2008 at 4:13 pm20Lucifer

And then You’ll see how You like being raped by a gorilla!
on 18 Aug 2008 at 4:48 pm21Your Friend Crystal

Bridgie’s on the ball today…. nothing I love more in the morning than a nice dose of Bridgie-sent fire and brimstone.

Ben and iambetterthan you: SHUT UP. fags.
on 18 Aug 2008 at 5:02 pm22J-Moke

Bridgette- start your own blog and counter act every entry God makes, so everyone knows how and why we are on the path to hell.

God… that was VERY prickish of you to smite like you did a post or two ago… especially how i was just correcting one of your incompentent ghost writters….

Anyway I survived your smite, so you must surely still love me for me to survive getting nailed by not one but two cars.

Amen.
on 18 Aug 2008 at 5:03 pm23J-Moke

*You x 2
on 18 Aug 2008 at 5:16 pm24God

J-Moke,

You know that I love you. Your smiting was done out of love. If I didn’t, your leg bones wouldn’t be setting so nicely, now would they?

Also, you are going to get a large cash settlement out of this. Call that bus-chasing lawyer back.
on 18 Aug 2008 at 5:19 pm25Ben

Crystal, everyone else can tell me to shutup, but not you, m’kay? M’kay.

Where are all the regulars today? uppity cracka? Nun? yoyo?? curtis?? did they get offended by this?

Shutting up now.
on 18 Aug 2008 at 5:34 pm26Ben

Josh for that matter, where did that guy go? Ever since we figured out he was that guy that punched Dave Chappelle, he got all scared.
on 18 Aug 2008 at 5:55 pm27Yo Yo Ma Ma

I’m around, but haven’t seen anything worth commenting on.
on 18 Aug 2008 at 6:13 pm28Ben

Nothing worth commenting on? Admit it, this is unsettling for you. Ok, here’s something you’ll like yoyo:
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,405347,00.html
isn’t that cute?
on 18 Aug 2008 at 6:54 pm29Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Bridgette needs to learn what humor is. I find this post a little ironic as I spent a good portion of my weekend in hospital with a racist Nana who is nearing the end of her earth-bound days. Am I offended by God’s rant? No, I’m not. God is entitled to His hate just like we mortals are.

And where the fuck is Josh?
on 18 Aug 2008 at 7:01 pm30creativecat

Bridgette, some of us who lost a loved one to cancer asked God to write this. We think it’s funny as shit. We plan to sacrifice a virgin to Him in an expression of our gratitude.
God, why did you take down the picture of the little girl with no hair? She was much funnier than stupid-ass Lance Armstrong.
on 18 Aug 2008 at 7:05 pm31God

Cat - Thank you for your kind words. I look forward to a tasty new virgin.

As to the pic, eh, I’d just remembered how that ass-hat Armstrong had survived My cancer and was thinking of how I was going to smite him by taking his other testicle. But you are right, the other picture is better.
on 18 Aug 2008 at 7:21 pm32Nun Ur Damned Bizness

God,

What is Your opinion on remission if the cancer went into remission with no help from the doctors? Is that a sign of Your Divine Intervention? Is that a sign that the cancer sufferer was “cool” about getting cancer?

Also, what is Your opinion of racists? Does it depend on the races they hate? Is it okay to hate Asians but not Jews? How does that work, God?
on 18 Aug 2008 at 7:38 pm33Cooper

Remission is just God’s way to prolong the suffer before she unleashes her true wrath.
on 18 Aug 2008 at 7:52 pm34Josh

God,
Just got back from the deep south, where I can truly say your love is strong. One lady told me a flock of your believers prayed for the storm to pass, and it did just that. Way to answer some prayers G-man!

God, my mom had cancer, and she is in church 5 times a week and prays like 50 times a day. She did beat the cancer, now she has colitis and diabetes. What more can she do to show that she loves you? What did she do wrong to get cancer in teh first place?

Josh
on 18 Aug 2008 at 7:53 pm35The Unpleasant Jew

shut up, cooper.
on 18 Aug 2008 at 8:23 pm36BVM

Yes, God. We all know about your penchant for virgins. I’m telling you, girls. It’s not that good!
on 18 Aug 2008 at 8:27 pm37Nun Ur Damned Bizness

God’s a boy, Cooper. Or the butchiest lesbian I’ve ever seen.
on 18 Aug 2008 at 8:40 pm38Nun Ur Damned Bizness

LOL… oh shit, people should follow The Unpleasant Jew’s link.
on 18 Aug 2008 at 8:44 pm39anne johnson

Stupid God,

I guess cancer is your consolation prize for dropping the ball on smallpox, letting little old humans round it all up so people don’t get it anymore. Get back on your game and let the smallpox out. Everyone knows it’s at Ft. Deitrich, lots of loony toon scientists there who would do your bidding, if only you asked.
on 18 Aug 2008 at 8:51 pm40Evangelist Curtis

Jew - great link! I used to a routine just like that when I was his age.
on 18 Aug 2008 at 8:55 pm41Nun Ur Damned Bizness

I wondered, Evangelist Curtis.
on 18 Aug 2008 at 8:57 pm42The Unpleasant Jew

no you didn’t.
on 18 Aug 2008 at 8:59 pm43Evangelist Curtis

True. I wanted to be Jimmy Osmond.
on 18 Aug 2008 at 9:40 pm44God

Nun - If the cancer goes into remission without help from doctors, then yes, it was because I had another one of My characteristic changes of heart.

Re: racism; it’s perfectly fine to be as racist as you want, so long as you are kidding. Unless yes, it involves Asia. Or Africa.

Josh - Well, I do answer prayers sometimes. Especially for the South. Those people do love Me. And they’re dumb, which I like.

As to your mom, I actually love her and thats why I cured her cancer. As to her new illnesses, they are clearly the work of Satanus. Ask him about it. He’ll tell you. What an asshole.

Anne - YOU INSOLENT CUNT!! HOW DARE YOU CALL ME STUPID?!?! YOU ARE BEGGING FOR A SMITING!!
…

eh, but I’m feeling merciful today, so I pardon you.
on 18 Aug 2008 at 10:05 pm45Josh

Lucy,
you’re an asshole for making my mom sick. Why’d you do it?

Josh
on 19 Aug 2008 at 2:10 am46Christian The Jew

Thank you for the post. I personally search out a flock of people to be smitten by our good Lord
on 19 Aug 2008 at 2:40 am47Bridgette

I don’t understand how making fun of people who are dying of cancer could possibly be good for anything.
on 19 Aug 2008 at 2:42 am48Bridgette

How will the author of this evil feel if he or one of his family were to get cancer? I want to know.
on 19 Aug 2008 at 2:42 am49Christian The Jew

Did you look at the website, the guy requested “always look on the bright side of life” to be played at his funeral… He’s probably the one helping God write this.
on 19 Aug 2008 at 2:42 am50creativecat

Bridgette, I’m not making fun of people DYING of cancer. Mike’s already DEAD from cancer.
on 19 Aug 2008 at 2:42 am51Bridgette

“The LORD will also bring on you every kind of sickness and disaster not recorded in this Book of the Law, until you are destroyed.” Deuteronomy 28:61
on 19 Aug 2008 at 2:42 am52Christian The Jew

By the way….. Keyboard messed up
on 19 Aug 2008 at 2:44 am53creativecat

God said Mike was hanging with Him. Mike probably told Him how funny cancer is. And Mike had ASS cancer–that’s especially funny!
on 19 Aug 2008 at 2:44 am54Christian The Jew

Bridgette-

You should really get a good Hebrew translation… That the post King James version…

God-

What’s your favorite version God?
By the way, please smite Bridgette
on 19 Aug 2008 at 2:45 am55Bridgette

I’m sorry for your friend and I support and pray for your cause. I just feel that this post is deeply offensive and hurtful to all those suffering from cancer.
on 19 Aug 2008 at 2:46 am56creativecat

Bridgette has already been smited. She was too fat so she was merely cooked–not completely fried.
on 19 Aug 2008 at 2:47 am57Christian The Jew

His dieing days were spent laughing about his cancer, and trying to get others to. The offensiveness was a tool to laugh…ie. to make others feel better. (isn’t that what the hell we’re supposed to be doing down here anyway)
Laugh a little for hell of it
on 19 Aug 2008 at 2:48 am58Christian The Jew

another type-o on my part… oh well
on 19 Aug 2008 at 2:51 am59creativecat

We got Bridgette to say something nice! Holy shit!
on 19 Aug 2008 at 3:17 am60God

Christian - My favorite version of The Bible was the original one that I wrote. The first draft, the director’s cut if you will. All the revisions and translation errors really piss Me off.
on 19 Aug 2008 at 3:20 am61Christian The Jew

Yeah, those douche bags always try to quote with the screwed up copies… YouDamn them for not learning a little Hebrew and Greek
on 19 Aug 2008 at 5:17 am62Tim

My Godmother survived cancer. I think this was a great post. It really shows just how little sense people like Bridgette make.
on 19 Aug 2008 at 5:51 am63Tony Snow

God,

This might be a good time to remind people about the
benefits of proper worship and tithing. Having cancer or AIDS can be sad or funny or expensive or annoying or whatever, but you are all going to die of something or another sooner or later, and dead is dead, so start preparing now for the positive afterlifestyle by coughing up your ten percent. Or you can just go to Hell and and have your affliction forever !
on 19 Aug 2008 at 5:56 am64God

Listen to Tony Snow people, he knows what he’s talking about.
on 19 Aug 2008 at 7:28 am65iambetterthanyou

What about people with Tourettes? I’m sure you’ll agree with me on saying that they’re just there for our amusement, as with people with OCD.
on 19 Aug 2008 at 11:38 am66Josh

Bridgette,

Thanks for showing further proof that God is indeed giving people cancer:

“The LORD will also bring on you every kind of sickness and disaster not recorded in this Book of the Law, until you are destroyed.” Deuteronomy 28:61

God is clearly giving cancer to people as punishment for their wrongdoing, as made clear in the bible verse you posted.

Josh
on 19 Aug 2008 at 1:38 pm67Ben

God,

I’m loving the new smitings section. More smitings! Please!
on 19 Aug 2008 at 1:55 pm68Josh

Thank you God for giving Jade Goody cancer, she was such a racist bitch (and not even towards the right type of asians). Now she’s getting what You think she deserves.

God has gone back to his old testiment ways!!! Hooraaaay!

Josh
on 19 Aug 2008 at 2:40 pm69Kraig

Your right Josh….and that bitch wasnt even very hot.
Big G,
So whats the deal with Amy Whinehouse? She should be loaded down with some midevil type unholy cancer.
Or is she here just for our amusement?
on 19 Aug 2008 at 2:47 pm70Lucifer

Josh-

I plan of causing the whole world to get colitis. Your mother is just part of the first wave. Soon, everybody will be stuck in the bathroom permanently and the only way of keeping contact with the world will be The Internet, a subdivision of Hell.com.
on 19 Aug 2008 at 2:53 pm71Lucifer

Kraig-

Amy Winehouse is for our amusement: http://escapefromrehabgame.com/
on 19 Aug 2008 at 3:34 pm72h

Bridgette,
As someone currently undergoing cancer treatment (for a second time), I’ve wondered if God hates me. Since stumbling upon His blog, I’ve learned that he does. Answers are quite comforting.

Thanks God!
on 19 Aug 2008 at 3:36 pm73Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Anybody familiar with God will tell you that He always answers, you just may not like His answer.
on 19 Aug 2008 at 4:04 pm74Ben

where the hell is uppity cracka?? I’m going crazy here without him to tell me to shutup.

i bet he’s on vacation. where do you guys think a cracka would go for vacay?

I’m gonna put my guess in for:

A 5-night, 6-day stay at The MALL OF AMERICA
on 19 Aug 2008 at 5:16 pm75Yo Yo Ma Ma

cracka is the toughest son of a bitch I ever knew who used to dress up like Carmen Miranda. If he’s at the Mall of America, he’s MC’ing a drag show.
on 19 Aug 2008 at 5:23 pm76The Unpleasant Jew

nun’s vagine
on 19 Aug 2008 at 6:10 pm77Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Cracka’s a dwarf?
on 19 Aug 2008 at 6:17 pm78Yo Yo Ma Ma

Cracka’s a dwarf? How d’you come to that conclusion?
on 19 Aug 2008 at 6:20 pm79Yo Yo Ma Ma

Flash!
Pillsbury Doughboy has yeast infection!

Details at 11.
on 19 Aug 2008 at 6:21 pm80Nun Ur Damned Bizness

I thought we had previously established that my vagina is full of dwarves.
on 19 Aug 2008 at 6:26 pm81Yo Yo Ma Ma

Yeah, but who says cracka has spent any time spelunking?
on 19 Aug 2008 at 6:28 pm82Nun Ur Damned Bizness

The Unpleasant Jew. I assumed that vagine was a misspelling for vagina… I could have been wrong.
on 19 Aug 2008 at 6:32 pm83Yo Yo Ma Ma

I’ve banned the Jew, after the unpleasantness last week.
on 19 Aug 2008 at 6:36 pm84Nun Ur Damned Bizness

He’s banned from my vagina but God seems to have a soft spot for him. I don’t know if it’s because he’s unpleasant or because he’s a jew.
on 19 Aug 2008 at 6:50 pm85Yo Yo Ma Ma

Jews are God’s people. And after two thousand years of bigotry, ethnic slurs, and pogroms, they think it’s someone else’s turn.
on 19 Aug 2008 at 7:01 pm86Nun Ur Damned Bizness

They may have a point, Yo. But doesn’t God tell us that two wrongs don’t make a right? Or is that just because we’re not Jews? I’ll bet that’s it… I’ll bet two wrongs do make a right when you’re a Jew. I wish I was a Jew.
on 19 Aug 2008 at 7:08 pm87The Incredibly Unpleasant Jew

don’t trust that unpleasant jew. he’s not what you think.
on 19 Aug 2008 at 7:23 pm88Nun Ur Damned Bizness

I don’t trust any unpleasant Jews.
on 19 Aug 2008 at 7:32 pm89Yo Yo Ma Ma

“I’ll bet two wrongs do make a right when you’re a Jew.”

Maybe so. Do two Wongs make a White when you are Asian? Or was it purely Occidental?
on 19 Aug 2008 at 7:34 pm90The Unpleasant Jew

screw you incredibly unpleasant. you’re not what your face thinks.
on 19 Aug 2008 at 7:35 pm91The Very Incredibly Unpleasant Jew

don’t trust that incredibly unpleasant jew or unpleasant jew. they’re both not what you think.
on 19 Aug 2008 at 7:37 pm92Kraig

So Big G,
Who do you have planned for a cancer smiting in the near futrue?
I’d like to get my bet’s in early for the Death Pool here at work.
on 19 Aug 2008 at 7:39 pm93Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Yo Yo, two Wongs making a White would be offensive to Asians. Asians believe they are better than white people so they probably don’t even use that saying. Besides, they hate God.
on 19 Aug 2008 at 7:40 pm94Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Christina Applegate is out… she cut off her boobies. I’ll bet a lot of guys are really bummed out about that.
on 19 Aug 2008 at 8:01 pm95Ben

I’m gonna go with somebody out of left field and say Manny Ramirez.
on 19 Aug 2008 at 8:05 pm96anne johnson

YOU, smite ME? Ha ha ha ha ha! I smack my big booty in your general direction! Ugly old white guy.

Here. I’ll make it easy for you. I’ll go stand on the golf course with a putter held high in the air, during a thunderstorm. And I’ll say, loud and clear, NA NA NA NA BOOO BOOO! Wussy.
on 19 Aug 2008 at 8:06 pm97Yo Yo Ma Ma

anne johnson, that’s not a fair test. Not even God can hit a putter.
on 19 Aug 2008 at 8:07 pm98Yo Yo Ma Ma

Nun, God hates Asians, so a few white babies over there might calm His Righteous Wrath.
on 19 Aug 2008 at 8:16 pm99pokethebloke

WOW who does that anymore?
on 19 Aug 2008 at 8:17 pm100Yo Yo Ma Ma

?
on 19 Aug 2008 at 8:18 pm101pokethebloke

NA NA NA NA BOOO BOOO??
on 19 Aug 2008 at 8:22 pm102The Very Incredibly Unpleasant Jew

poke your mother is more like it
on 19 Aug 2008 at 8:24 pm103Yo Yo Ma Ma

“poke your mother is more like it” He couldn’t - he didn’t have change for a ten.
on 19 Aug 2008 at 8:26 pm104pokethebloke

indeed she was a cheap whore similiar to Mary
on 19 Aug 2008 at 8:41 pm105Yo Yo Ma Ma

Mary gave it away until she was knocked up, then blamed an invisible man.
on 19 Aug 2008 at 8:48 pm106Tony Snow

Ben,

Great Idea! If Manny suffers for a while instead of just going poof, they can name a disease after him, like Lou Gherig.
on 19 Aug 2008 at 8:50 pm107Tony Snow

Same with Brett Favre
on 19 Aug 2008 at 8:54 pm108Ben

Thanks Tony! Manny Ramirez disease….thats got a good ring to it. But what kind of disease would it be?

Hmm, it would have to be something that would fit with his catchphrase “that’s just Manny being Manny.”
on 19 Aug 2008 at 8:57 pm109Tony Snow

Maybe something renal. He has a history of disappearing inside the Green Monster to take a leak.
on 19 Aug 2008 at 9:51 pm110anne johnson

Manny’s Disease: When you smoke so much pot your kidneys get stoned.

Why didn’t God think of that? No imagination. All cancer, all the time. BORING.

As long as I’m on here, hey God: WTF with Lou Gehrig? He was a hottie. Why not that rat Mickey Mantle?
on 19 Aug 2008 at 9:51 pm111anne johnson

I guess I’m showing my age. But I’m not as old as God. He’s older than dirt. And it shows.
on 19 Aug 2008 at 9:52 pm112anne johnson

No amount of Tide can get that robe clean.
on 19 Aug 2008 at 10:22 pm113Nun Ur Damned Bizness

I wonder who does God’s laundry.
on 19 Aug 2008 at 10:29 pm114Tony Snow

God,

How about more second smitings for dumb fucks like me who think they have survived the worst and now are immune to misfortune, then Kapow!

Patrick Swayze … He’s already on your hit list

Martha Stewart … I know you want to, just for the smug of it

Michael Phelps … You gave him ADHD as a kid and it turned him into a fish
on 20 Aug 2008 at 12:28 am115God

hmm, your thoughts intrigue Me Tony. I was, as always, completely correct in making you My Heavenly Press Secretary.

Anne Johnson, you obviously want Me to smite you. For this reason, I refuse to smite you, you old bag.
on 20 Aug 2008 at 4:55 am116Scarface

Yo whatup God, mad props to you and shit. Yo and thanks for creating weed b. that shit is the best yo!
on 20 Aug 2008 at 5:36 am117Tony Snow

God,

Thanks for your everlasting support.

By the way, many think You can revive the dying ….

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/08/18/AR2008081801527.html
on 20 Aug 2008 at 1:08 pm118anne johnson

Of course he can revive the dying! That’s how we get brain-eating zombies. My back yard is near a hospital, and I’m constantly having to chase those suckers back onto life support. Thanks again, Stupid God.

BTW, I’m not a bag.
on 20 Aug 2008 at 1:28 pm119God

Yes you are.
on 20 Aug 2008 at 2:21 pm120The Very Incredibly Unpleasant Jew

no she’s not. she’s a satchel.
on 20 Aug 2008 at 3:52 pm121Ben

MY GOD. damn yo yo. no matter how many times it is confirmed for me, it just never stops surprising me how utterly delusional people in the US are. when God? when will we see the light?
on 20 Aug 2008 at 6:07 pm122Kraig

Big G,
So what about smiting that “asshole invading” guy in Russia? Putin and that guy who’s in charge now. They deserve a large, painful, massive boils on their bodies smiting. Besides you know you never liked Russia.
on 20 Aug 2008 at 7:13 pm123Yo Yo Ma Ma

Man, it’s been a quiet day here in the blog mine.
on 20 Aug 2008 at 7:14 pm124Yo Yo Ma Ma

Kraig said: “They deserve a large, painful, massive boils on their bodies smiting. ”

They’re Russian - they may think it’s an improvement.
on 20 Aug 2008 at 7:17 pm125Yo Yo Ma Ma

“when will we see the light?”

Just before the oncoming traffic removes us (U.S.) from the gene pool.
on 20 Aug 2008 at 7:23 pm126Ben

I think we’re lost without uppity cracka. he’s the glue that keeps us talking.
on 20 Aug 2008 at 7:26 pm127Nun Ur Damned Bizness

I want God to smite my family but am unsure if it’s inappropriate to ask for such things.
on 20 Aug 2008 at 8:07 pm128Yo Yo Ma Ma

Nun, God gave your family you, what more can he do?
on 20 Aug 2008 at 8:51 pm129Your Friend Crystal

Ben, i’m only lending cracka a hand.

my grandmother died of lung cancer, but she brought that shit on herself.

God, what did my mother do to deserve the following three smitings? (i’m really curious):

1.) Sleeping with my jackass sperm donor of a father

2.) Popping me (an unholy terror) out of her vajay.

3.) Dying of blood poisoning 5 years later.
on 20 Aug 2008 at 8:52 pm130Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Yo Yo,

Somehow I suspect that my family was punishment for me, not the other way around. God sure did smite me good.
on 20 Aug 2008 at 9:02 pm131anne johnson

Hey, God, I’m kinda new here. So I’m wondering. Did anyone ever tell you that you look like John Brown? He was hung, but you’re not .

From Anne the un-smitable sexy satchel!
on 20 Aug 2008 at 11:03 pm132anne johnson

That’s the John Brown “raid on Harper’s Ferry” dude. Just making that clear because you’re a stupid God. Zeus had more creativity. Bet you can’t turn into a swan.
on 21 Aug 2008 at 3:42 am133God

Not going to smite you Anne. I know that is what you want, so just stop trying, you old bag.
on 21 Aug 2008 at 4:35 am134Tony Snow

Anne Johnson - Shut the Fuck Up !!!

Stuff God Hates is for true believers who know The Almighty and His policies well enough to have a lively discussion about results of His wrath.

If you feel the need to promote some fake religion that worships tree bark, toad crap, lower case initials, and lesbian codependency, stick to your own blog.
on 21 Aug 2008 at 4:42 am135Blargera

yeah anne. what tony said.
on 21 Aug 2008 at 10:49 am136iambetterthanyou

Anne Johnson is right, she must be given a hefty smiting and I demand that you, God, smite her.

Oh, and don’t smite me, I’m too awesome to be given a smiting.
on 22 Aug 2008 at 5:20 am137God

YES! YEEESSSS!!! FINALLY!! I FINALLY GOT THIS BASTARD!!!
http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=3545830

THAT’S WHAT YOU GET FOR FUCKING OVER JOHNNY U! A LONG AND EXCRUCIATING STRUGGLE WITH YOUR PANCREAS!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!
on 23 Aug 2008 at 6:26 pm138Tony Snow

He’s Back!

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/michael_phelps_returns_to_his_tank
on 23 Aug 2008 at 6:32 pm139Neb

lol….that article is funny. best headline they’ve had in a long time.
on 25 Aug 2008 at 2:29 pm140uppity cracka

shut up ben
on 28 Aug 2008 at 3:30 am141tom

hey you know that picture you posted was of Michael the Archangel, not Gabriel right? and Gabriel is no the angel of death..just so you know
on 28 Aug 2008 at 3:58 am142Frisbeetarianist

tom, you’re wrong dude. God said Gabriel is his angel of death, then he’s His angel of death. Dude…who are you to tell God who works for him? like you know better.

Besides, you’re wrong, and God is right.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Angel_of_death
Don’t see Michael on that list, only Gabriel.

and finally, that painting is of Gabriel. so just so you know tom, you’re wrong on every count dumbass.
on 28 Aug 2008 at 4:39 am143Smoggy Batzrubble

Yeah Tom–you fuck nob!
on 28 Aug 2008 at 2:39 pm144tom

okay i was wrong about the angel of death thing, but that picture is of michael the archangel..ya know, the one found in the BIBLE..(see revelations)
on 28 Aug 2008 at 2:52 pm145uppity cracka

shut up, tom.
on 28 Aug 2008 at 3:17 pm146Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Tom’s stupid. Like God can’t tell His angels apart. Obviously the bible has the wrong picture for Michael.
on 11 Dec 2008 at 5:30 pm147Apollo

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on 11 Feb 2009 at 2:30 pm148The Asian

Ok I didn’t care to read this post. i agree with you on fuck africa, muslims. But you are saying that you hate cancer victims? you hate because of their illness. do you have a mind? do you have a soul? do have a heart? at all?

whoever you are, take this:
FUCK YOU!
on 11 Feb 2009 at 2:54 pm149uppity cracka

oh. ok.
on 11 Feb 2009 at 4:10 pm150Ben

WHAT A FUCKING MORON. if he read the post and the comments he’d get it. what a fucking doosh.
on 02 Mar 2009 at 4:35 am151The Bad Girl

You are officially my hero! This was my entry in the keyfess confessions site!

http://keyfess.com/I_hate_sick_and_special_needs_kids_...

I hate people with cancer or any other “Special Needs” as well. God I’d love to plant a bullet in the fact of that child you have pictured up there. They all exoect to be treated like royalty!
on 30 Mar 2009 at 2:19 pm152Stuff God Hates » Blog Archive » Ask God: March

[...] ARGGH! YOU WHINY CANCER PATIENTS ARE SO FUCKING [...]
on 30 Apr 2010 at 2:42 pm153Naytheist

http://www.metalpsalter.com/review_headhunter_dc_gods_spreading_cancer.html