Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
Today’s Blessed Bible Verse is from the book of Malachi, chapter 3, verses 8 through 10:
8 Will man rob God? Yet you are robbing me. But you say, `How are we robbing thee?’ In your tithes and offerings.
9 You are cursed with a curse, for you are robbing me; the whole nation of you.
10 Bring the full tithes into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house; and thereby put me to the test, says the LORD of hosts, if I will not open the windows of heaven for you and pour down for you an overflowing blessing.
You know, foolish and utterly depraved humans always ask Me how I could let the world be so full of pain and misery. And before I smite them, I always tell them to go read the book of Malachi.
In this Divine Passage I believe I made My Feelings very clear. You are all fucked because you’re not paying Me nearly enough to keep things running smoothly.
You sinful people just can’t help from stealing MY CUT of the wealth I gave you. And so your nations are cursed by pestilence, war and rap music.
Do not act surprised. How can you greedy bastards expect Me to keep giving you My Protection if you can’t even provide Me with a measly ten percent of all your yearly earnings?!
You selfish puke-bags would be nothing without Me! You should be giving Me ALL your worldly possessions.
But what do you do instead? After I’ve given you everything you have, you go to church and put a whole five dollars in the collection plate and then act as if you’ve put in a lot. YOU FUCKING CHEAPSKATES ARE LUCKY I DON’T DISENTEGRATE YOU ON THE SPOT!
I swear, you people are such damn stingers these days that even with a packed Church of 400 people, I’m lucky if the day’s take exceeds a lousy thousand bucks.
And so I, The Almighty LORD, repeat: This world is cursed forever until you all start paying Me what I deserve.
However faithful reader, should you personally decide to meet My Tithing demands, I shall bless you with a beautiful room in My Heavenly Compound and many loving puppies to play with. Doesn’t that sound nice?
Go ahead, I dare you to put My Offer to the test. All you have to do is give all your money to the Church and then die and see what happens.
UPDATE: I now accept credit cards, debit cards and traveler’s checks.
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YOU FUCKING CHEAPSKATES ….
I think what The Lord meant to say is dissentegrate, where you will all start arguing with one another; this should not be confused with disintegrate, where you will all go to pieces.
And He’s right about tithing away like there’s no tomorrow; the rooms and puppies in His Heavenly Compound are to die for.
“What have I ever done to make you to treat Me so disrespectfully? If you had come to Me in friendship, then this scum that ruined your life would be suffering this very day. And if by chance an honest man like yourself should make enemies, then they would become My enemies. And then, they would fear you.”
“Be my friend… God Almighty.” [swipes credit card through ATM slot]
“Good. Someday, and that day may never come, I’ll call upon you to do a service for Me. But, until that day, accept this Justice as a gift.”
If Jesus hadn’t been such a pussy, this is what the Bible would have said…
God,
With the rise of lawyers fees, hush money and choir boy rape insurance, I’m sure you’re feeling the pinch. Maybe should cut back on the blow and hookers or raise the tithing to 20%.
God just toss the earth into the sun and have everyone die like the little bitches that they are. Everybody deserves a painful and horrible death. You know it and I know it.
shut UP, cooper! great, another jew to deal with.
God, do you have a paypal account? i think i owe you like $300,000.
from the story:
“Baker compares his technology to the days of the Old Testament when people stopped offering sacrifices and started offering coins.”
God, for the poorest among your flock (who must’ve really fucked up for you to make them so poor, obviously) do you still accept sacrifices? if so, do you prefer children or like a good old fashion sheep?
God;
Does the tithe kick in before or after my expenses? And is it still tax-deductable?
I’ll need a receipt.
God:
Did You have a Church or Denomination of preference?
If it wouldn’t be too much trouble for You, I’d like to second the request for a receipt.
Dear Sir or Madam.
I will be happy to give you my entire fortune of 35 mio US dollars ($35,000,000). If you could just give me your account number and a letter of attorney so that I may perform the necessary monetary transactions.
Yours in Christ
Desmond Ubuntu
Hey Desmond Ubuntu, are you from Nigeria??
JW? does that stand for jehova’s witness? it does. i’ve decided it does, so it does.
desmond ubuntu’s avatar looks about right.
[...] God on The Bible - Malachi 3:8-10 July 25, 2008 Posted by Skepdude in Religion, Sins, Stuff God Hates. Tags: Cheapskates, God, Tithings trackback CLICK HERE TO GO TO THE ORIGINAL ENTRY AT “STUFF GOD HATES” [...]
Hi God,
If you can get those bastards in Congress and at the IRS to back off, I would definitely consider giving you a kickback. Why don’t you smite the whole lot of them for us? I’m really confident it would improve your bottom line.
Here’s a picture of God creating the world: http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y163/TarheelJoe/Far%20Side/GodSprinklesJerks.jpg
God loves the IRS, they do a lot of smiting.
Uppity - yes, I do have a paypal account. Email your long overdue payment to stuffgodhates@gmail.com.
Also, yes, for the poor I have given them life, so they must give me ten percent of their life. If they have children, I require children. If not, sheep work.
YOYO - The tithing is BEFORE your expenses, however it is definitely tax deductible.
JW - I prefer payment in Krugerands, if possible, but also like the English pound.
Desmond Ubuntu - Your offer sounds intriguing and I have emailed you My Info.
Dude - No. The government is punishing you for Me. Besides, at least they give Me a decent cut. They also don’t make Me pay taxes. I love the IRS!
Hi God,
Thanks for the reply.
I don’t doubt that the IRS gives you a decent cut. I’m just suggesting that you eliminate the middleman, thus getting a better cut.
well, there it is, God…you should have your eleventy-billion dollars any second now.
It’s not about the money. I’m God! I don’t need money.
It’s the principle of the thing.
Are tens and twenties okay?
A ten would be fine if you make a 100 dollars a week. 20 would be fine if you make 200 dollars a week. And so and so forth.
God, how about ones and fives? Nun gets them as payment for her work…
oh, it’s a principle thing. crap. ‘cuz lucifer JEWED me out of my soul yesterday. it was a bad deal. bait and switch maneuver. i thought i was getting IT. instead i ended up with three lame excuses and now he’s got my soul. i was hoping eleventy billion would be enough for you to bail me out…otherwise it’s me, nun and a strap on for a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG time.
YoYo - NO! I don’t care if you only make 50 bucks a week, 5 dollars is not enough! The poorer you are, the greater your tithing. Also, the richer you are the more you have to pay. I expect rich people to give me at LEAST 50% of all their earnings.
But that never happens. You greedy cunt-sticks!
“me, nun and a strap on for a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG time.”
Are you catching or pitching?
God, Nun will pay her full amount, I think she makes $800/week. It’s just that she gets it all in ones and fives (and twenties, if she entices a john into the ‘blue room’).
well, yoyo, lucifer’s in charge down there…so which do you think?
Well Cracka, That ought to wake her up!
cracka, good point!
Just realized I’d mis-typed my email addy - this should correct the avatar.
Whoo! It’s about time YoYo. Your avatar rules and that other one was bunk.
I wonder if I could get a better one….
SHIT!
this one makes me look like Bridgette’s brother/boyfriend.
I wonder, what are the rules for avatar generation? Does the web page ‘add up’ my email address and assign an avatar? Is it a letter combo?
new one
that one’s not uppity enough
?
Better?
how’d you do that?!
that’s not a gravatar, it’s a space station…
Benana
Now you’re making me look stupid. Knock it off!
You guys!! You’d better knock it off messing with your gravatars! Don’t you remember God paid some guy from Craig’s List something like $35 million dollars and they still don’t work right.
God’s going to get pissed and smite you. After all, it’s almost the weekend, so he’s probably already started drinking. He might even be loaded by now!
You’d better cool it!
Benana, I signed up for a wordpress account, you can upload a picture and crop a part of it for your own avatar.
I sure hope Yawn is happy, many less posts to scroll through today.
God
I had a talk with my Uncle Rocco and Luka and they wanted to know if it was ok for you to accept 10% of the family run business in exchange for considerations on your part?
Hi God,
I guess when you tell people that they owe you money, they scatter like cockroaches.
DO NOT send in your tithes to God through those other phony TV preachers - they will just rip you off and God will never see a dime!
My ministry is the only place where all your gifts (except the part for my new HDTV broadcast setup) go directly to God.
Wow. I guess South Park was right about the fucking Mormons.
Yo Yo,
Cracka be catching but you probably already figured that one out. He’ll enjoy it too.
And I was awake, Dude… spent the majority of the day in a theater watching The X-Files: I Want To Believe.
I love the new avatars people are getting. Yo Yo’s is cool, but I especially like the new Tony Snow.
how’s the x files?
The X-Files is good, Cracka. You should see it.
Stupid wordpress!
Zippidy,
Thanks for your support. I’m still working on a new public image.
Hi God,
I see that Joel Osteen says that you want him to be rich. Why would you favor that asswipe over say, the folks around the country that volunteer at soup kitchens.
Is it as put forth by Firesign Theater lo, those many years ago?
“God helps those that take a big helping for themselves.”
I mean, let’s assume that you really do want him to be rich. Isn’t spouting off to the media the sin of pride?
Could you smite him for such insolence?
Thanks in advance.
The problem with people who volunteer at soup kitchens is that, being volunteers, they make no money out of it. And 10% of nothing is nothing. So, God doesn’t get His due. That’s why God hates volunteers.
I say line all them volunteers up against a wall and shoot them in the head. They’re bad for business.
the more i listen to lucifer, the more he makes sense. got any swampland for sale in hell, buddy?
Lucifer does make sense. I hate volunteers too.
I guess my main point was somewhat watered down.
God, please smite Joel Osteen properly. You already gave him a horse face, now finish him off.
Thanks!
that’s it! i hereby renounce the whole idea of helping other people for free!! show me the damn tithing money, bitches!!!!!
God,
Der Dude has it right - SMITE JOEL OSTEEN NOW !!!
His “Christian” ministry is a total FAKE for so many reasons ….
No SIN in his sermons - just wants people to Think Positively about themselves !
No BIBLE in his theology - never studied it, but has a degree in TV production !!
No CROSS in his “Church” - doesn’t want to Frighten people !!!
He’s sucking the tithes out of us Real TV Ministries !!!!
Rod,
SHUT UP ! God likes winners, not whiners!
Joel Osteen is a great pastor and a good man and you should not pass judgement on him. Giving money to help the church do good works is one of the best things a person can do! so very many people have recieved medical help and come to the Lord through missionaires.
What exactly do you use money for? Do they have infomercials in Heaven?
Dear God,
take a look at the shit you did and explain to me why I should pay at all?
Bridgette,
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.
Blah
Rich - Again, I don’t need money. It’s the principle - you people owe Me.
Karin - You’re alive aren’t you? How much longer would you like to breathe? Or your children for that matter? Pay up bitch!
God,
How do You feel about people giving You lots of money then the pastors at these mega churches use it to buy bentley’s and private jets? I mean those televangelists are living off Your coin! Smite Creflo Dollar already God, I beg You.
Josh
Dear God,
LOL
Josh - I love them. As long as they keep the money pouring in to My Coffers, I am fine with them being extremely wealthy. I love Joel Osteen and do indeed want him to be rich. Creflo Dollar skims a little too much off the top, but hey, it’s all part of the process. He still gets people donating.
Bridgette,
get you priorities right, will you? One of the best things a person can do is sex. Then there is eating, sleeping, enjoying holidays, buying stuff, reading, practicing sports, watching a good film, listening to a great concert, and so on.
Giving money to help the church isn’t on this list.
God,
So you’re saying the prayer clothes that Creflo sells are actually real?!?!?!?! What about the holy water they send out? Do you also give them the power to heal people? I’ve seen them rebuke the devil on TV and the person can walk (only to fall down when they get offstage)
Josh
seriously, who reads the bible and takes it seriously? I mean, I just don’t understand why people STILL believe this shit.
Uppity @12: Nope, they’re my initials. I do know a Jehovah’s Witness, though.
Karin is right. One of the best things a person can do is sex. I do it all the time… for God. Sex for God! That’s my motto.
where did everybody go? aww man….way to go Josh…
http://www.dieselsweeties.com/archive/1616
ah…that explains it yo yo.
You always bless me real good, God. Thanks.
Hey!! Where did God’s post go?? Now I look like I’m responding to nothing. Thanks a lot, God!
People who talk to Godoften look like they are talking to nothing. I’m just saying…
DAMN YOU NUN! I TOOK AWAY MY BLESSING BECAUSE YOU YELLED OUT MY NAME WHILE GETTING ANAL FROM A DONKEY LAST NIGHT!!!
DAMN YOU!!!
But God was talking to me. He took credit for my mind-blowing orgasms, in a round-about way. Why did he delete his post?
WHY GOD WHY??????
Lucifer is not a donkey, God. Not even last night.
I SMITE YOU NUN!! NO MORE ORGASMS FOR YOU EVER AGAIN!!! GO AHEAD AND TRY!! YOU CAN’T!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
So Nun took it in the ass…from an Ass?
I’m going to tell Lucifer that role-playing makes God angry.
Cosplay rulz!
That’s ANOTHER THING! Stop having sex with Satan you harlot! i don’t care how boxed his cock is, whatever the hell that means.
You cursed him with a tiny penis, God. I don’t blame him for needing a boxed cock.
If it makes You feel any better, You seem kind of cranky so it probably won’t, he bought a schlong that was shaped in Your image. It’s fucking HUGE, God and it’s why he likes to wear a donkey suit when he fucks… You know, so it’s proportionately correct.
Heh. Damn right. That does make Me feel better. Keep it up woman and one of these days I may just fuck you Myself.
You know Snoopy’s happy dance… I’m doing it right now, God.
Thus says the Lord:
All you who are thirsty, come to the water!
You who have no money, come, receive grain and eat; Come without paying and without cost, drink wine and milk! Why spend money for what is not bread; you wages for what fails to satisify? Heed me and you shall eat well, you shall delight in rich fare. Come to me heedfully, listen, that you may have life. I will renew with you the everlasting covenant, the benefits assured to David.
Isahia 55:1-3
Word of the Lord…thanks be to God
Does that mean our food and drink are supposed to be free?? Because I don’t know about anybody else but I pay out the ass for food. I even have to pay for water.
Is the bible telling us to steal?
my point exactely Nun. God, what do you mean?
In that verse I am speaking of how much more fulfilling My Love is than food. He who loves Me needs not food, that only becomes feces, he subsists on faith and faith alone.
God,
Are you the same Being worshipped by that materialistic cult leader Herbert W. Armstrong?
I do NOT advocate stealing food, even if your family is starving. If they are, it is likely because I have decided they deserve to.
well…may I eat just a little? I do give You what I can every week. What do you say, huh? Just a nibble here and there?
Stuffy head — check (it’s like a snot factory)
Headache — check (oww)
Body aches — check (OWWW)
Sore throat — check (feels like I swallowed a brillo pad)
Worn out — check (weekend in bed, and not in a good way)
I’m pretty sure God smote me. Who gets a cold in July?!?
Oh kind and merciful God. As you fed your people manna from Heaven, I beseech you to please send me some holy Nyquil. And maybe a shot of whiskey?
http://www.dieselsweeties.com/archive/1775
More stuff about God and Satan:
http://www.dieselsweeties.com/archive/1775
Can we steal wine?
God smote your link, Yo, the second is the same as the first.
Bridgette’s comment was so disappointing this time.
hehe, what were you hoping for TIm, more hellfire and damnation bible verses?
One day when your penises have shriveled and your two bit whore wives have no more visible genitalia, you will look back on this thread and say, Man I wish I had not laughed in god’s face. Then when you finally fart and die, you’ll head to hell, which will do so much damage it will make your old man penis look like Arod’s schlong. Use it, don’t use it, eventually you will lose it, and I will be urinated on your graves.
Just for the record, God did not give me a small penis. I got the same deal He gives to all His angels: no penis. Which is why I rebelled against Him in the first place! And then I underwent some surgery. The best surgeons are in Hell. I’m a self-made demon. With a hugenormous cock. Just ask Barbara Hershey.
Dang - dunno what happened to the links.
wiglaf is a prophet…like that one dead guy.
And apparently, he will be urinated on our graves.
Wiglaf has his summer home in someone’s bladder…?
you are suck! i will be urinated on your graves!!