In this monthly feature, The Almighty first answers a few of the many questions He has recently received. Afterwards, mortals will be given the opportunity to ask God one (and only one) question. And if The Lord is feeling generous, He may actually answer.
STUPID QUESTIONS
QUESTION #1:
Susan Lange: “I would like to greet you but I am not getting words to greet you. It is a great gift for the people. Reading this bible inspires me, thought I have read many versions of bibles but did not get the answers of the questions which arise in my mind. God is an incredible word which is not having its exact meaning. I made the bible search , but did not get the exact meaning of God. You are the person who gives the answer to the question that what is God?”
GOD: Yes Susan. I am The Lord God Almighty. Did you even read The Bible? I’m on every page. If you did and you don’t know who I am by now, then you will never know. Also, learn to speak English and not be dumb anymore.
QUESTION #2:
Dean: “Lord, what time zone are you on? XO, Dean.”
GOD: Dean , I loathe you, you retarded fuckstick. You have never once asked anything that even approaches a halfway intelligent question.
I am THE LORD ALMIGHTY you dipshit. Clearly I transcend time and space.
QUESTION #3:
Lucifer: “God, can I get back into Heaven now?”
GOD: No. Don’t be stupid.
VALID QUESTIONS
QUESTION #4:
Yo Yo Ma Ma: “I see that thirteen people were injured in the running of the bulls in Spain. What are Your thoughts on this?”
GOD: Some time ago, I became bored and so decided to created humans who exist to entertain Me with hilarious deaths. These death-jesters of Mine are the people you see bungee-jumping, running from bulls and riding bicycles. Thanks for your question. I hope you gain as much enjoyment from watching them suffer as I do.
QUESTION #5:
Ranting Student: “God, you rule the internet. Those greeks were boy lovers…what are your thoughts on the Romans though?”
GOD: They were alright I guess.
QUESTION #6:
Pádraig: “LORD, I saw this biblical passage: ‘Better to sit on a corner of a roof, Than with a woman of contentions, and a house of company.’ -Proverbs 25:24. Could you please explain what this means?”
GOD: It is better to sit on the roof than be around your raging bitch of a wife when you have a party at your house.
KILLING/LOVE
QUESTION #7:
MSchmahl: “I am a bit confused about how the not-killing thing works together with the not-suffering-a-witch-to-live thing, and stoning-anyone-who-works-on-Sunday thing, and the stoning-a-disobedient-child-before-the-whole-village thing. Did you mean “thou shalt not kill unless I say so?”
GOD: Yes mcshamahlshabab, you interpreted My Commandment correctly. Thou shalt not kill your fellow man without My Blessing.
QUESTION #8:
Pemma: “Hey God. You claim to love us all so much. Where is evidence for that?”
GOD: First of all, I do not need to provide evidence or explain Myself! Secondly, I never claimed to love everyone so much. That is false. I do indeed love everyone, but to many varying degrees. I love only a lucky few so much. I keep them close to Me, and shower them with blessings as you do your close family. However, with most of the humans on Earth, I love them, but you know, only as much as you love your extended family, which is of course more of a polite, pretend kind of love.
Then there is everybody else, who I love very, very little. At some point you would call it hate, but what you fail to understand is that when I kill a sinner and damn them to hell, it is still Love - My Most Pure and Perfect Love in action. For example, just last week I finally had fat old atheist Agnes Cartwright, (age 79, of Freemont, MI) raped and buried alive in her vegetable garden. How is this love? While I punished her, I also spared her of another 10 years of elderly pain and misery. So you see that The Lord God gives mercy and love even to His enemies.
And if that doesn’t convince you, just look at that drawing of Me hugging that child. What more proof do you need?!
QUESTION #9:
Ryan: “God, isn’t Christianity about forgiving?”
GOD: No. Who told you that?!
QUESTION #10:
Judas Iscariot: “God-But you love us…..right?”
GOD: OF COURSE! Of course I love you! I love you all! You have no idea how much I love you!
MONEY
QUESTION #11:
Kraig: “God, I had a talk with my Uncle Rocco and Luka and they wanted to know if it was ok for you to accept 10% of the family run business in exchange for considerations on your part?”
GOD: Dear Kraig, please tell your Uncle Rocco and Luka that I will kindly accept their 10%, and in return I will consider not having them killed.
QUESTION #12:
Josh: “God, how do You feel about people giving You lots of money then the pastors at these mega churches use it to buy bentley’s and private jets? I mean those televangelists are living off Your coin!”
GOD: Those pastors deserve the fruits of their hard work. They push, prod and guilt-trip people into honoring Me with their checkbooks. Anyway, I don’t care about money. I don’t need it! I just get a rush out of the respect and power involved in having people give you their money purely out of fear and love.
DRUGS
QUESTION #13:
Nun Ur Damned Bizness: “God, have You thought about another drug-fueled, blackout-inducing binge? I know You’re old hat at such things and You’ve ‘been there, done that’ but maybe it will help release some of this boredom You’ve built up.”
GOD: Believe Me, I think about it all the time. But I’m 10 days sober now and going strong. I have no desire to go back to the mistakes of My Past. No desire…whatsoever. No matter how super awesome it makes Me feel.
Gene on 
ronpaulcandidate on 
jetaDeelp on 
Nun Ur Damned Bizness on 
The Ender on 
God, how did you make Australia so awesome?
Also, did you enjoy World Youth Day?
Well, when I made Australia I had already made all the other continents, so I was pretty well warmed up by that point. And I thoroughly enjoyed the event - with the exception of course of the pope riding around in the popemobile like a pussy coward bitch.
God-
The corner of the World I took for my worldly residence - my “front”, so to speak - is being flooded by summer rock festivals. However, most of these rockers are people I hadn’t heard about since the late 80s, early 90s. Do you bless all Your children like this during the summer, or does Hell On Earth have its own little special spot in Your cold, cold heart?
God, what is your real name? Someone told me it was Andy, from the song “Andy walked with me; Andy talked with me.” But I remember your Psalm: “Our Father, who is Art in Heaven, Harold be thy name.” So which is it? Andy, Art, or Harold?
Andy and Art are kind of queer names, so I think it must be Harold. Or is this another one of those mysterious Trinity things?
Apparently I’ve irked the Lord.
I will try to ask less dipshitty questions in the future.
Iambetterthanyou
what do you mean by awesome? Australia is the continent with the most poisonous animals /plants per square inch .
Any move you do can land you in the hospital or the morgue.
They even have poisonous sea slugs.
God,
Are you the same Being worshipped by Tom Cruise?
Karin,
This is Ask God, not Ask iambetterthanyou. And there are few things more awesome than a whole continent filled with poisonous crap.
I managed to hijack Satan’s blog, and found out he runs a ‘Dear Abby’ type column. Here’s a typical question and response:
Dear Satan,
Why is it that Uppity Cracka bitches about everything? Maybe everything in his life is fucking difficult, but shit, welcome to life. I know I sound like an old fart, but really, everyones life sucks, some people just deal with it and have a much better time. Wait, here’s my real question, I think I figured him out. Do you think that he thinks he’s funny, or do you think that the things he says are original. To me he sounds just like an un-funny Seinfeld, “Whats up with that….” yeah, Satan, what the hell is up with that.
(Signed)
Tough Guy
****************************************
Hey Tough Guy,
Using ‘Seinfeld’ as a benchmark belies your own shallowness of existence, and your dislike of Cracka ’s rantings on such a retarded reason suggests that you should stick to your Hardy Boys books. I find Mr. Cracka ’s babbling mildly amusing, occasionally relevant, although I suspect he acts dumb on purpose to keep Josh guessing. What bothers me about Cracka is the fact he is a fraud. He makes a 5 figure income, drives around Miami in a $150,000 sportscar, has a supermodel girlfriend, lives in an amazing house, and still passes himself off as a an average guy. And people wonder why he smiles all the fucking time. Someone needs to kick his ass. Someone big, however, because he is about 6′ 0″ and has a posse.
What’s Up with Your Soul?
Satan
Damned straight. And I own his soul anyway.
God, many people call me goddess. Does this mean you’re my husband?
Lucifer, does cracka stop smiling when he goes to Hell? Or are you going to recruit him and let him do some ass-raping?
Lucifer - Yes, well, hell on Earth is a fun place for Me to send people to smite them, so I guess it does.
Mcshmmahlfafel - My Name is Jehovah.
Pharisee - No! How dare you?!
Chocoholic - NO! Egh!
God,
Is Chocoholic the goddess a big fat cow?
Ummm… God, I just noticed on Your reply to my question that You mention not wanting to revisit the mistakes of Your past. I’m going to assume that Jesus escaped from the hole and was impersonating You again, God because we all know that You make no mistakes. Even if You are passed out from too many drugs.
Mcshmmahlfafel-
ZING!
Reminds me of M. Night Shymalamaringdong which always makes me chuckle.
God, if you are not my husband, then there must be another God who is straight.
You are most definitely a gay God.
Lucifer,
Maybe this is for you.
Are you the same being worshipped by Tom Cruise?
YoYo,
For real? I wonder where uppity cracka is. I hope he’s on vacation somewhere nice or helping old people die at work.
Dear God,
I need a new car. People say my old wheels make me look like a sissy, and the gas pinch is actually starting to hurt. What do you suggest?
Well I for one suggest getting off your fucking lazy ass and try walking! What are Your thoughts God?
Nun - Yes, chocoholic is obese.
Pope - I agree, you need a new car. I suggest a convertible of some sort.
Poke - Walking is strictly for suckers.
God,
I keep looking around for Anna Nicole but so far no luck. Can you hook me Up? I mean sometime soon, before Patrick Swayze gets here.
You fucking cocksucking faggets are all going to regret this shit when you die.
Tony, you’re an idiot if you think Anna Nicole Smith is in heaven. Lucifer couldn’t wait to get that not-so-tight ass.
Tony,
I am sorry to inform you that she is not in Heaven with us. She was a dirty, dirty whore and so I sent her to hell. And Patrick Swayze?! Are you kidding Me? As I have made quite clear on several occasions, Patrick will be descending into hell when I let him die.
Damn it Tony, if you’re going to be My spokesman you had better become more familiar with My Positions!
Wiglaf,
Cocksucking faggots? Is there another kind? I thought the cocksucking was implied by the term faggot. Speaking of, your avatar looks like someone is playing stink finger with it. I think that’s how God works, he does the little things and it’s up to us to pick up on it.
God,
Thank You for taking the time to answer my quesiton twice, one in the original blog and again here. But my other question, about the prayer cloths that Creflo Dollar sells, I mean gives to people when they donate over $100, are real? What about the holy water, that dateline showed to be tap water? What about the letters people send that they throw in the trash and just take the check?
Josh
Wow, a dull day without jew and cracka to keep the pot boiling!
nun - which goddess i am in nun ur goddamn beeswax.
God - you are not as all knowing as i once thought you were.
yeah, whatsa a goin on around here. I need more silliness in my day!
Chocofatcowholic,
Where did I look like I gave a damn which ‘goddess u am in’? Whatever the fuck that means.
I just asked if you’re a big fat cow and you are.
Yeah! This is nun’s turf! There can be only one. (woman poster on this blog).
Ben,
I don’t mind sharing all you boys with other females but I would like the other females to be funny and not just really lame. I’m assuming she’s trying to be funny anyway… if she’s not, she’s lamer than I originally thought.
I respect that. We gotta weed out the annoying lame motherfuckers. Hey! what AM I STILL DOING HERE?
We think you’re cute, Ben.
Chocoholic - You’re right, I’m MORE ALL KNOWING!! You may not be obese yet, but you will be! oh yes, you will be. Your love of chocolate will result in fat thighs. And I hate fat people, even those who are just fat on the inside.
Dear Adversary,
I noticed your most recent smiting in Southern California today. What the fuck was that!?!? 5.4!?!? Is that all you can do? Jesus Fucking Christ! You’ve been working on killing off these New Age motherfuckers for decades and have been an utter failure. This isn’t even a half-ass attempt. Did your tiny balls just drop from the sky and that is what cause the mild rumble?
If you are not going to take the threat of New Age hippies seriously, I am afraid you are going to have to step down and let someone a bit more qualified step up to the plate.
Sincerely,
Your Adversary
P.S. I found your tiny balls that caused the earthquake (if you can call it that). If you want them back, fuck you, grow another pair you fucking pussy!
P.P.S. Tell Jesus “hi!” I totally miss his whisker-rubs.
Slayer says to keep the bible in a pool of blood so that none of its lies can affect me. What kind of blood works best for this?
Slayer went gay many years ago, creativecat. If you still think Slayer (why I wasted my time capitalizing the “s” I have no idea) has any merit, use your own blood drained from your wrist arteries.
Fuck you antichrist. I’ll cut off you head and shit down your throat.
God, if you really are God, I have two questions to ask you.
Are you energy? Because energy is within everything and is everywhere.
Also am I going to hell or heaven?
Jeez, somebody needs to get laid and mind her own goddamn business.
God - Good thing you warned me about obesity, God. I hate to disappoint you, but I don’t eat my chocolates, I use it for other stuff.
Yes. She uses chocolates to attract children and other small animals, which she then proceeds to eat, like a big fat cow.
just a few thoughts:
A) shut up, ben
B) tough guy, eh?
C) slayer is freakin’ awesome!
D) wiglaf, we love you too. in a totally gay kind of way.
E) all of the above
and the next time someone questions why i bitch about everything i’m going to have a freakin’ aneurysm…again. for the last time:
i am an UPPITY CRACKA!! what would you expect?!!!!!!
God, i see now why you’re starting to fray around the edges. it’s hard being on top. all the QUESTIONS!!!!
hehe, you’re on top? yeah you are. you’re the man cracka. i bow down to your comic brilliance, sire.
you know what to do, ben.
i’m a cracka, stupid…i’m on top of the social hierarchy, duh.
God, how do you deal with these people?
Cracka likes to be on top! That surprises me because so many guys I know prefer the woman on top.
http://gmy.news.yahoo.com/v/9042818
I hope that link works.
God, is that Your way of smiting Jesus? Are You all calling him cheeto-head up in Heaven right now?
they’re paying you to do all the work, nun. speaking of which, you owe me $20.
I think you must have been a might confused there, cracka. YOU pay ME.
haha, you two are hookers. i wonder if there has ever been a real male and female hooker who were in a love relationship. imagine the jealousy. nah, probably has never happened.
I’M AN ESCORT!!! Not a hooker! Damn you, Ben!!
you told me it was tax deductible, nun, you lying skank! you knew that us crackers can’t resist those two heavenly words and you used them like they MEAN NOTHING!! yeah, well, my accountant wised me up to your little scam and I WANT MY MONEY BACK!!
Silly cracka. You should never trust a woman.
Women should be covered in black robes at all times.
They should also have their clitori cut off so they don’t cheat as they are all cheating whores.
All men should have their nutsack cut off for the same reason.
sometimes this prophet guy makes a lot of sense…tell me more.
Dear God,
Someone copied your blog to http://www.stuffgodhates.com? What will you do about this?
I WILL SMITE HIM WITH ALL OF MY MIGHT!!!
haha, just kidding Gian. I currently have All My Heavenly Host of Angels working on getting that website completely ready for My readers to use. It’s taking them a while as they are not well versed in Internet.
Serves You well, God, for kicking me out of You Host. I’m not only well versed, but I own the internet.
http://www.hell.com
Antichrist - Fuck you. You’re not the antichrist. Not even close.
Cat - fresh neck blood.
Pissed off Jew - No, I am not pure energy. I am the force behind energy. Also, you are an asshole, but I like that, so you will go to Heaven. Unless you piss Me off.
Cracka - I smite them.
Nun - No, I am not behind that. Jesus and Mary do those publicity stunts a lot. Those two just can’t get enough attention. Jesus especially. Resorting to appearing as a cheetoh. Sweet Cheesus - peh! He must’ve thought up that when he was in the hole. And now that cheetoh will never get eaten. It’ll just stay in that stupid cunt’s fridge forever.
Psh! Whatever SatANUS. The only time anyone visits that stupid web portal is when they click on it through MY BLOG.
God, thank You for taking care of that phony Antichrist business. I’m getting tired of all these posers.
Cracka - It is women and white devils like you that are my enemy. Me and my minions shall wipe you all from the face of the earth by blowing ourselves up.
Nun: “All men should have their nutsack cut off for the same reason.”
Yeah but men cheat because she’s hot and his wife/girlfriend is a bitch. That’s perfectly fine.
Women do it because they want attention from the one they’re cheating on. That’s dumb and stupid.
i see, prophet. that is an interesting stance to take. “white devils”-it’s got a nice ring to it. i accept your challenge. you will be leaflet bombed with so much porn and pictures of happy, rich americans that you will probably suicide bomb your damn SELVES, you stupid evil-doers. nice hat, dumbass! don’t you realize it’s a freakin’ towel?!!! hahahahaha!!!
DIE, RAGHEADS, DIE!!!
U S A!!
U S A!!
U S A!!
SMITE THE LIVING FUCKING YOU DAMNED HELL OUT OF THEM, GOD!!!!!
SMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITE!!!!!!
Hmm, I happen to admire the passion and enthusiasm of My Muslims. If only all My followers had such zeal for Me.
ALLAH AKBAR!
ALLAH AKBAR!
ALLAH AKBAR!
DEATH TO THE INFIDELS!!!!!!!
Shut up, Prophet Nebiliah
I DECLARE A FATWA ON YOU RYAN YOU SWINE!
FATWA!
FATWA!
FATWA!
WE KNOW WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE AND WHERE YOU LIVE! YOU WILL NEVER SILENCE THE RIGHT HONOURABLE PROPHET NEBILIAH MOHAMMED!
meh…….
stupid jihad.
Aw, come on infidels. The hate game is no fun if you don’t hate me back equally hard.
stupid unfunny jihad. i remember when jihads used to be more lighthearted.
now that God won’t smite you i kind of lost interest. it’s easier when God’s doing the smiting for you, you know.
remember crimson jihad from True Lies? When the camera battery ran out! That’s some funny jihad right there.
Josh
“Fatwa”?? Sounds like a pastry of some sorts.
http://pubphilosopher.blogs.com/pub_philosopher/images/jihad.jpg
Lighthearted jihad? That doesn’t exist. There is only angry jihad. I should know. I’ve been a professionally licensed and bonded jihadist for over 15 years now.
I really am not sure what you are looking for. You wish me to stab you in the heart with a carrot? Or drown you in silly putty? By all means devil cracka, please let me know how I should conduct my own jihad.
Is Prophet Nebiliah Ben?
No nun. I have no idea who this huckster is. Seems like a pretty extremist muslim radical though. I don’t understand, is he a nation of islam muslim, a shia, a sunni or what? Is he al-queda?
i prefer the 3 stooges style jihads which were mostly just 3 idiots running away from a fat man in a turbin wielding a scimitar. you know, the kind of hate you can ignore…just kind of have it on in the background while you get stinkin’ filthy drunk in the mid-morning hours.
you sho is Ben!
ben, does someone have to say it?
what? say what? i’m not this rag-head fuckhead. ok fine. i’ll say it.
shut up me.
another Jesus sighting:
http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/offbeat/2008/07/30/stang.holy.cat.wndu
and a note from Crimson Jihad:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4dSo-egQFV0
Nun, I really liked that cheesus link. That shit is hilarious. Like, imagine if it was true.
“Jesus here, just thought I’d appear in a cheetoh today to remind you to be a good christian.” could it get any more retarded? and i love how serious and sensitive the reporters are about it. i wish they would report on the lunatic ramblings of hobos with such respect.
I’m loving the ’shut up me’ post Ben, immediately followed by a ‘blah blah blah’ post
I miss The Prophet Nebiliah Mohammed
I like Prophet Nebiliah. I want to have crazy wild sex with him but I fear for the safety of my clitoris.
try anal (sorry God)
Any of you boys a tech-head? There’s an embedded file that I’m trying to get from the Washington Post website and they seem to know all the secrets. I can’t even find the file on the HTML.
is Ryan really cracka?
No, I will not let a Muslim stick their wang in my booty. That’s for Lucifer and Lucifer alone.
who wants to know?
ewww
God Damn It!
I put up a link to a CNN video about a bitch seeing jesus in her cat hair and it’s awaiting moderation!!!! SOB!!!
Josh
Josh,
I have approved your links embarrassing My glory hound fairy of a son.
ben, i think it’s time for you to take another time out.
is ryan really cracka…ridiculous…just freakin’ ridiculous.
nun is lying again. she’ll let anyone do anything anytime. slut.
You’re just mad because I duped you, cracka.
yeah, she is a slut. i had sex with her and her mom and all her sistsers and her duaghter and her brother and her bitch dog last night. haha fart
me and every other cracker you’ve ever met, you harlot!
My mom’s dead, Ben. You fucked a corpse and I wouldn’t be bragging about that.
Not my fault cracka’s are easily led.
oooo…..yeesh….yikes….oh….gosh….sorry….my….bad.
She’s not really dead, Ben. I actually have no mother. I was created in a lab.
if you have no mother, does that mean she’s dead by default or do you first have to be living to be considered dead? because if ben screwed your imaginary dead mother, that’d still be pretty much one helluva FACE!
I am a genetic mutation, cracka. Therefore, I have no mother. I don’t know what biological material they used to create the greatness that is me.
I think Ben screwed some homeless lady but he’s trying to make himself look like a better playa than he really is.
should have seen that coming. us crackers aren’t very street smart.
this blog is gay. too many features. not enough hate.
i don’t know, jew. we had some pretty good jihad action earlier.
although God hasn’t given us a good old fashioned hate article for a while.
i guess that qualifies as gay somehow.
I hate you, Jew!!! I hate you with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns!!!!
I HATE ALL NON-WHITES!!
CRACKER POWER!!!
funny thing is uppity cracka is not even white, he’s just a light skinned Puerto Rican like Freddie Prinze, Jr.
God,
What has happened to all your hate? Ever since George Carlin has met you in heaven you’ve become, dare I say it, New Testament God.
There’s nothing wrong with being gay. God said it, so I believe it. So there!
Cooper - Have you been reading MY WORDS?! My hate is stronger than ever!
Read My posts. They are ALL filled to the brim with My Divine Vitriol.
yeah, shut up cooper.
Stupid Cooper.
waffle snatch
[...] values his readership. In fact, at the end of every month he publishes an “Ask God” post where he answers the most interesting as well as stupid questions he gets in the [...]
God, is it just me or do I find that chick from Paramore somewhat attractive?
Just a thought, thanks God for closing 61 Starbucks stores in Australia.
Iambetter - Chick from who?
And no problem. I am slowly wiping the evil Starbucks scourge from the planet. Take that Satanus!
God, why do you say that you think that Romans “were okay, you guess”?
First, why do you have to “guess”? Don’t you know everything? I thought that “guessing” was simply a human limited activity. Are you saying you’re no better than humans?
Second, weren’t the Romans happy and clapping at their “feed the lions with Christians” light family entertainments, probably even at their weekends? How that counts as “okay” on your part? They helped to sentence Jesus, for fuck’s sake! Are you getting psycological problems or what? Get a clue!
Luis-
Have you ever lived with Jesus? Are you a retarded masochist? Get a clue!
Lucifer, go blow yourself down on your hole already. I wasn’t talking to you.
I mean, the Romans thought that there wasn’t a God, but that there were many gods, all of them all too similar to humans, imperfect, always clumsy, jealous, and above all, it was a rather sane mythology. It was almost a disaster for Christian God!
Luis - you’re right, the Romans were scum! To be honest I was drunk and high off My ass when I answered these questions and I read Romans and thought about the original cast of SNL, as I was watching a group of them perform for Me at the time. So yeah, THEY were ok.
The Romans were some of the biggest scumbags ever and I had to rain down destruction on them for a long time before they finally went away. After that was ushered in a thousand years of bliss.
I miss the middle ages.
The original cast of SNL - God, You are LUCKY!! They were the best cast, hands down.
wait…aren’t most of them somehow still alive?
Has anybody looked at this Dean kid’s blog? This kid is 13!?! Wow.
that has to be a different Dean. that was a nice writeup you got God!
No, it’s the same Dean. I’ve followed Dean’s links before and it leads to a mirrored site of that blog or something of the sort. He’s a 13 year old boy in the Philippines.
holy fuck…he’s smarter and more literate than most adults….
Exactly. What a kid.
God,
Rod Parsley claims to have insider knowledge about some big deal coming up on 8.08.08 (not just the Chinese Olympics). You’re not planning some major smiting for that day are you?
In response to this cunt:
The Prophet Nebiliah Mohammed
ALLAH AKBAR!
ALLAH AKBAR!
ALLAH AKBAR!
DEATH TO THE INFIDELS!!!!!!!
1. Dear stupid indoctrinated muslime, did you know that Muhammad was a fucking coward having his men fight all his pointless wars. No you didn’t know that you brain dead monkey. How bout you give me your address and I go King David style on your ass by scourging out your eyes and taking a piss down your eyesockets.
2. I wanted to tell you just because you’re fat doesn’t mean you have to blow yourself up you insecure fuck. There are better ways to lose weight.
3. It’s not up to God yet to kill your douchbaggery kind. It’s up to us to find favor in his eyes and then go crazy on your people by killing them left and right, rape your women, burn your stupid mosques, and place temples in their place.
—————————————————————————–
To God:
Thanks for everything you’ve given me. Life is really swell and I’m almost done with college. Just one favor your Holiness. Tomorrow is my birthday and I was wondering if you could arrange things in such a way so I could find a good looking jewish hardcore bitch who can give me attitude everyday so I’d have a reason to slap her around which would lead to angry sex.
Oh and I’d promise to marry her!
Joel,
You and I both know that I am.
Pissed Off Jew,
Your wish is My Command My Jew. You shall have a good Jewish wife, and she shall be your love slave.
I’m getting older and my dick won’t get hard. What the fuck is up with that?(No pun intended)