Stuff God Hates

Jul 21st, 2008 by God

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Today I am going to do something I should have done a long time ago – denounce the Holy Spirit and cast him out of the Trinity forever!

Do you hear Me, Spirit? Forthwith, consider the Trinity you, Me and Jesus shared for 6,000 years completely and utterly dissolved! I do this because you’re an irritating ugly douche and I hate your stupid guts! You are such a fucking retard!

There, I said it. Finally.

Don’t act all surprised either, Spirit. This has been building for a while.

For one thing, you’ve never done anything to deserve being a full partner with Me and Jesus. We don’t need you, ok? We never did.

Honestly, what the frig did you ever do to deserve your place in the Trinity? Relay messages for Me? Kill people? You were always nothing more than a glorified errand-boy.

Nobody I know has ever liked you or cared about you, and with good reason. You’re not funny, you’re not likable, you’re just not anything. You have zero personality. You could vanish into thin air and no one would ever notice or care.

Yet despite all your flaws, I was willing to let it slide. Best to let it be I said. But then you just had to come around here and post a slew of annoying and idiotic comments on My Holy and Divine Blog. This I do not forgive!

Spirit, you are hereby stripped of all your Awesome Smiting Powers and reduced to being a mere gust of wind. You will henceforth travel the Earth for the rest of time, finding and seeking nothing, with no effect on anything at all. This is your punishment. From omnipotence to impotence! Suffer fucker! Suffer!

Note: We are seeking a new person to fill a recently opened position in The Trinity. All interested parties please respond with a resume and smiting qualifications. Suggestions/nominations also welcome.

Tags: God, Holy Spirit, Retard, Trinity

Posted in Religion

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260 Responses to “#36 The Holy Spirit”

on 21 Jul 2008 at 7:22 am1Lucifer

One down, two to go. And one of Them is a major pussy…
on 21 Jul 2008 at 7:39 am2Lucifer

God,

I might be interested in filling the position. My Curriculum Vitae includes:

- Most Awesome Angel ever;
- Bringer of Light;
- Prince of Darkness and of This World;
- Ruler of Hell;
- Lord of the Flies;
- Father of Lies;
- Apostate Supreme;
- Old (but still great-looking and totally kick-ass) Serpent;
- Tempter of Mankind, Seducer, Accuser, Tormentor;
- Inventor of Cigarettes, of Rock and Roll, of Money, and of Everything Great;
- Creator of Anal Sex.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 8:46 am3The Weasel

I suggest Mindy Cohn, who played Natalie on the Facts of Life.

Although her smiting skills are suspect, she can offer:

1. A certain heinousness in a schoolgirl dress. Nauseating, yet strangely arousing. In a disgusting way.
2. Pork rinds.
3. Valid reasoning skills.
4. Hilarious one-liners.
5. Takes it from behind from Tootie.
6. Seething gonorrhea.

She also makes a mean pot roast.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 9:42 am4pemma

Wholly Gawd,
I have a half bottle of vintage “Spirit of Wine”. It hit me like thunder the last time I tried it..I hereby submit it for your consideration for the recent vacancy that arose in your Trinity Department…
on 21 Jul 2008 at 10:35 am5The Weasel

I also nominate Bhoutros Bhoutros Ghali.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 11:01 am6Just A Heretic

Aw C’mon guys! It’s Bridgitte. She’d kick some ass if God endowed her with smiting powers! Of course, then there wouldn’t be anyone left who had ever commented on his blog…
on 21 Jul 2008 at 11:46 am7Willy

God thus spake:
= = = = = = = = = =
Nobody I know has ever liked you or cared about you, and with good reason. You’re not funny, you’re not likable, you’re just not anything. You have zero personality. You could vanish into thin air and no one would ever notice or care.
= = = = = = = = = =
I like the Spirit! When it enters into me I sense a lightness of being, a feeling of warmness, and a greater love of my fellow man. Later, it makes me surly and I act mean to people then I get dizzy and vomit a lot.

Come to think of it, that Spirit IS obnoxious, especially Jack Daniel’s.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 12:22 pm8Yo Yo Ma Ma

How about Sister Mary John, from the Church of Perpertual Clap?

Weasel, there’s nothing like staring at a picture of Mindy Cohn walking away from the camera, wearing a thong. Can I come to your next erotic gifting party? I’ll bring some dip and a bag of chips.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 12:31 pm9uppity cracka

i would like my application to be considered. i have the following qualifications:

1. white
2. male
3. american
4. nothing gets inserted into my butt
on 21 Jul 2008 at 12:38 pm10Yo Yo Ma Ma

I’d put in an application myself, but the voices in my head told me the Trinity would have to be renamed.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 2:07 pm11Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Curse my vagina!! I know God won’t consider me for this position because of my cursed vagina.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 2:37 pm12God

Thank you all for your pathetic applications. I will carefully consider these and get back to you. The only applicant even halfway qualified right now is ‘uppity cracka’ whoever the hell that is.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 2:38 pm13Yo Yo Ma Ma

Nun, God will offer you a position with Him, don’t worry about that!
on 21 Jul 2008 at 2:51 pm14Heinrich

I’ve got some spiffy shoes. And I like to watch the Jeffersons. Am I qualified?
on 21 Jul 2008 at 2:54 pm15#36 The Holy Spirit « Skepfeeds-The Best Skeptic blogs of the day

[...] CLICK HERE TO GO TO THE ORIGINAL LINK AT “STUFF GOD HATES” [...]
on 21 Jul 2008 at 2:59 pm16uppity cracka

i think heinrich just took the lead with those creds. let’s see here, well, i am way into smiting. as a child i murdered thousands of army worms. you may never have heard of them, but every 7 years these green caterpillars cover the foliage in minnesota. you can hear them eating the leaves all around for miles. it’s creepy. anyway, i used to gather them up and kill them with firecrackers. good training for some serious smiting i think.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 3:01 pm17Nun Ur Damned Bizness

I ‘beach whales’ aka ‘kill the fatties’ all the time. I wonder if that’s a qualification.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 3:03 pm18Heinrich

A bird flew into my car last week. It got smote pretty well.
Also I like to make pie for Trinities I am part of. Just sayin’.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 3:07 pm19Yo Yo Ma Ma

Cracker, I used to soak the large ant hill on the edge of my grandparent’s field in lighter fluid. I’d bury a firecracker in the nest, and light off the fluid. Forth of July came early! It was how I imagined it looked when God smote a city.

One day, I looked up and saw my Dad watching me, he looked angry. He said, “Use kerosene from the barrel behind the barn - it’s cheaper, and burns deeper”.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 3:09 pm20uppity cracka

wow. this is some serious competition. i’m gonna have to step up my smiting game dramatically.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 3:29 pm21Judas Iscariot

Does the Holy Sprit position include health care and a 401k?
on 21 Jul 2008 at 3:29 pm22Josh

Uppity,
I used to take the caterpillars and use wax to attach them to bottle rockets. Although the rockets would not fly high, the smitting was grand.

God,
I can not say the smitting I have done on a blog that is public record, but you already know how I roll.

Also I am American, half white, I have nice shoes, but also nice boots. I hate everyone and like to set things on fire. I once punched a man in the face for a dime.

Josh
on 21 Jul 2008 at 3:38 pm23uppity cracka

judas, why don’t you suck a fart out of my butthole? nobody trusts you…God needs you to be the new spirit like he needs a knife in his back—again.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 3:39 pm24Zeus

God,

Zeus here. I was totally the King of Gods. I used to come down from Mount Olympus and have sex with all the mortal virgin chicks I wanted, people built giant temples to me, and even sacrificed goats to me - whole friggin’ goats! now I am reduced to “mythology.” An tips on gettin’ back in the game? I totaly miss all the virgins.

Thanks,
Zeus
on 21 Jul 2008 at 3:41 pm25Lucifer

Josh-

You’re pathetic.

Cracka-

Can you imagine if you actually ended up getting the job? Holy Shit! It would be like when we put a bid on something completely stupid being sold on eBay just for laughs and ending up as the only bidder.

God-

If I don’t get accepted into The Trinity, can I at least get back into Heaven now?
on 21 Jul 2008 at 3:43 pm26Zeus

God,

FYI-

I could fill in the spot now left vacant by the Holy Spirit. I have god experience. I even smote quite a few people in my time. Lightning bolts were my smiting tool of choice.

Zeus
on 21 Jul 2008 at 3:44 pm27uppity cracka

lucifer-what kind of luck would that be?!! a dark, twisted, sadistic dream come true. i’d play chess with the grim reaper all damn day. like bill and ted.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 3:46 pm28Lucifer

Zeus-

First become a Radical Muslim Terrorist (RMT). Then blow some shit up. Die in the process for extra points. After that, I guarantee you’ll have a whole bunch of virgins at your disposal. I promise. Either virgins or a gang of Hell Demons specially trained for Eternal Ass-Rape.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 3:46 pm29Nun Ur Damned Bizness

I think God should hire Zeus.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 3:47 pm30Lucifer

Cracka-

You win, I win. Everybody wins.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 3:48 pm31Der Dude

God,

I say leave the position unfilled. Think of the savings! One less Deity won’t matter that much since the universe is going to … well, you know.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 3:50 pm32Lucifer

Nun-

Zeus would have to prove his worth first. So far, all I see is a stupid-looking pointy-headed pink avatar. Not very Godlike. Although it does look like Mount Olympus.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 3:52 pm33Lucifer

If Zeus’s avatar came to Earth and ravaged Brie’s virgin avatar, the resulting baby avatar would look like Der Dude’s.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 3:57 pm34inmate1972

I’m having a hard time trying to figure out who is the Id, the Ego and Super Ego in this little drama…But my vote is for Moe of the 3 Stooges. He can bitch slap like no one’s business.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 3:58 pm35Zeus

Lucifer,

In my time Hades ruled…well, we called Hell “Hades.” Hades is my brother and we got along great. We even kicked the Titans ass together and did lot’s of virgins. So I’m real sorry about the falling out between you and God and his getting Michael to boot you outta heavan. Hope you make it back sometime soon.

Cheers
Zeus
on 21 Jul 2008 at 3:58 pm36Heinrich

Zeus had his chance. Give someone new a try.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 3:59 pm37Heinrich

I mean, there’s got to be a reason no one still prays to him.
What’s your secret Zeus? What are you hiding behind yuor beard?
on 21 Jul 2008 at 4:01 pm38uppity cracka

look, “zeus”, we all know you’re not real, ok? so, you’re just gonna have to stick with being mythological. and nobody wants to hear about the “good old days” before the interwebs and color tv.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 4:05 pm39Zeus

Uppity, as soon as I get a few more worshipers (I mean besides the few wakadoos in Greece and California) I am totally gonna throw a lightning bolt up your yang.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 4:08 pm40uppity cracka

so, you’re like freddy kreuger? if no one believes in you, you have no power. well…guess what.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 4:09 pm41Josh

Lucy,
I’m pathetic yet you’re still begging to get back into heaven? Dude, I got a book you should read it’s called “He’s Just Not that Into You”

Josh
on 21 Jul 2008 at 4:10 pm42Der Dude

Luci,

I’ll have you know that I am quite proud of my pointy head, disembodied eyebrows and mono-tooth!

Go buttfuck someone else.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 4:12 pm43Heinrich

I wish I had sharp-looking disembodied brows like Der Dude.
Instead I look like an accountant. A jewish accountant. Who is without bagels, hence the sadness.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 4:13 pm44Heinrich

Wait. I look jewish! That’s gotta be a + on my application. Chosen people, come on!
on 21 Jul 2008 at 4:17 pm45uppity cracka

yeah, but the german name…remember that thing that happened from 1939-1945?
on 21 Jul 2008 at 4:19 pm46Heinrich

German Jews exist. Or… they did. <__> Too soon?
on 21 Jul 2008 at 4:21 pm47Zeus

Well, yeah…I mean you go for like a thousand years, you father over hundred kids (sure I had to kill some of the them), you get goats, wine, virgins, kick ass temples named after you. Then the Romans come along, and sure they changed my name to the lame “Jupiter,” but that was okay because there was still goats, virgins, wine, etc, etc and then those freak Romans hear about Jesus and this new God (sorry God no disrepect). Damn Romans hold this stupid Council of Nicea (a friggin’ Council meeting - come on?!) and the next thing I know I am reduced to Myth and names of steroid feaks on American Gladitor. It totally blows!
on 21 Jul 2008 at 4:24 pm48uppity cracka

pretty sure the holocaust will never be funny. nice try, though! hard to feel sorry for you, zeus…not that i’m really trying to. you had smiting powers for a long time. give someone else a shot at it.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 4:47 pm49Josh

“too soon” the phrase that lets everyone know even you think your joke sucks.

Josh
on 21 Jul 2008 at 4:49 pm50Der Dude

Zeus,

I feel for ya man, God will be enduring the same fate when those damn Scientologists take over. Then it’ll be all
“L. Ron Hubbard damn it!” or ” Thomas H. Cruise!”

I shudder at the thought.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 4:56 pm51Zeus

Thanks Dude. I totally agree, Hubbard wrote sci fi and western books and bad ones at that then he founds a religion?!! Evil Aliens in valconoes, and people don’t worship me?!! What the crap?!
on 21 Jul 2008 at 5:08 pm52Der Dude

Yeah Zeus, it really makes me wonder why folks today are so bent on following the writings of a bunch of goat-fuckers from 2,000 years ago.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 5:15 pm53uppity cracka

because deep down inside we all want to have sex with goat-ass. it’s a freud thing.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 5:18 pm54Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Josh,

You have the book “He’s Just Not That Into You”? Dude!! That’s gay!
on 21 Jul 2008 at 5:27 pm55Josh

Nun,
I don’t have it, but I’d be willing to get a copy for Lucy so he can stop his crying like a little girl “Oh God let me back in heaven, I know I effed up, give me a second chance” I bet Lucy calls God and hangs up.

Josh
on 21 Jul 2008 at 5:49 pm56Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Josh,

Good. I’m glad to know that you are still in possession of your penis.

As for Lucifer, I KNOW!! What a pussy he’s turning out to be.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 5:53 pm57Tony Snow

God,

If You leave the HS slot empty, The Rapture is near!
The Pope is really gonna squirm without his threesome.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 5:53 pm58uppity cracka

almost 200k hits. that’s a lot of saved souls. way to go, God! just another 6.5 billion to go…
on 21 Jul 2008 at 5:55 pm59Yo Yo Ma Ma

So, are the Holy Spirit duties mostly ceremonial, other than the smiting? I could do that, and still work my regular job.

Or we could let the U.S. Vice President do it - his duties are mostly ceremonial, and he’s good at smiting.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 5:56 pm60Tony Snow

Smiting, Schmiting

If all you need is a PR guy, I could do it in my sleep.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 6:12 pm61Lucifer

Nun-

You of all people should know better. I’m not asking to be let back into Heaven, I’m just screwing with The Old Man. And it’s working: The Trinity is gone!
on 21 Jul 2008 at 6:16 pm62Heinrich

Admit it Luce. You miss the old man.
Don’t act like you don’t lie awake at night, wondering if life would have been better if you’d never gotten the boot.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 6:16 pm63Holy Spirit

All right! Time to finally snort some blow and kill some hookers.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 6:20 pm64Lucifer

I do miss The Bastard, Heinrich. Nobody smites like Him. If it weren’t for all the “worship me, me, me, ME, ME, ME” crap, we’d still be best buds.

I’d have killed Jesus by know, though, so - hahaha - I guess He’s glad I left when I did.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 6:21 pm65uppity cracka

Holy Spirit, now that you’ve been banished are you going to hang with lucifer? when you’re talking hookers and blow there’s no better connection.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 6:23 pm66Holy Spirit

I guess I’ll have to, right?
on 21 Jul 2008 at 6:38 pm67uppity cracka

hmm…yeah, guess so.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 6:44 pm68Zeus

How you like me now Luci? … yeah, that’s a lightining bolt in my hand.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 6:45 pm69Yo Yo Ma Ma

Tony Snow, since you’re already dead, you are in the lead for the Holy Spirit job.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 6:54 pm70uppity cracka

i don’t believe in zeus
i don’t believe in zeus
i don’t believe in zeus
i don’t believe in zeus
i don’t believe in zeus
i don’t believe in zeus
i don’t believe in zeus
i don’t believe in zeus
i don’t believe in zeus
i don’t believe in zeus
i don’t believe in zeus
i don’t believe in zeus
i don’t believe in zeus
i don’t believe in zeus
i don’t believe in zeus
i don’t believe in zeus
i don’t believe in zeus
on 21 Jul 2008 at 6:56 pm71Nun Ur Damned Bizness

I believe in Zeus
on 21 Jul 2008 at 7:05 pm72uppity cracka

dude! nun, stop believing in zeus or he’ll become powerful enough to smite us with his damn lightning bolts!
on 21 Jul 2008 at 7:08 pm73Yo Yo Ma Ma

I do believe in spooks
I do believe in spooks
I do, I do believe in spooks
on 21 Jul 2008 at 7:12 pm74Cooper

I’m here for the gangbang.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 7:13 pm75uppity cracka

COOPER!
(shut up)
on 21 Jul 2008 at 7:15 pm76Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Sorry, cracka but Zeus was always one of my most fave deities.

Cooper, good luck with that. I could be wrong but I don’t think anybody here is willing to go there with you.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 7:20 pm77uppity cracka

is this really gangbang situation? i’m just asking because i never see them coming…then, POW! everybody’s naked and nun’s popping the cap on an industrial sized vat of petroleum jelly.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 7:23 pm78Nun Ur Damned Bizness

You never see them coming because you’re never invited. Sorry, cracka.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 7:24 pm79Zeus

Thanks Dude and Nun. Uppity damn it! I was starting feel more powerful… You know after the Romans stopped throwing the Christians to Lions and all converted to God-fearing rather than Me-fearing, Hera asked for a divorce and I have a sneaking suspicion she is shacking up with God. I’m on a path to getting her back and you are making it more difficult! I’d at least like a couple of sacrificial goats or a few virgins for my pleasure. And no Luci, I am not going to go all Extremeist and blow myself up to get Virgins. I don’t beleive in that load of bullpoop.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 7:26 pm80Zeus

FYI - we totally had awesome gangbangs on Mt. Olympus.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 7:27 pm81uppity cracka

damn it, nun! you totally zinged me. walked right into that one.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 7:29 pm82Cooper

Zeus,

Raping twelve year old boys is not a gangbang.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 7:32 pm83Der Dude

Hey Zeus,

I know a girl that would be perfect for you. Her name is Bridgette and she’s a virgin, even though she’s been married ever since she got out of high school in the late ’90’s.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 7:36 pm84Kraig

Why dont you butt stains get back to the task at hand and shut the fuck up.
God I’ll take the job on a 3 month internship if you let me smite all these dick heads who waste our time with this incessant whining and inane bullshit remarks.
I figure 40lbs of lime for a 200lb person plus a backhoe.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 7:45 pm85Josh

Looks like someone got the Sapranos box set.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 7:47 pm86uppity cracka

do you mean 40 lbs of “LYE”
the powdery stuff? wow, talk about a dick head who’s wasting everyone’s time.

40 lbs of limes and 150 gallons of tequila, Lord.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 7:50 pm87Zeus

Craig you are a backhoe and Cooper only you would think that a gangbang inolves 12 year old boys. Lord, if I had tha holy spirit role I’d smite both of these yard ornaments.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 7:56 pm88Yo Yo Ma Ma

cracka, nope, lime is the stuff to use when you bury a body - keeps the smell down.

Or so I’ve heard.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 7:58 pm89Yo Yo Ma Ma

No one uses petroleum jelly for sex, it’s got to be water soluble, like KY Jelly. And petroleum jelly breaks down condoms, does anyone want to screw a walking petrie dish of disease and be worrying about protection?
on 21 Jul 2008 at 7:59 pm90Yo Yo Ma Ma

Nun said: “You never see them coming…”

I never see them coming because I turn out the lights.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 8:00 pm91Zeus

Dude, what ever happened to Bridgette? She would be perfect for me. She didn’t say very much.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 8:01 pm92J-Moke

Ummm, who is the “real” Zues here?

Riddle me that.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 8:03 pm93Yo Yo Ma Ma

Bridgette is filling her pie hole with cream-filled pastries, foot-long hot dogs, sausages, cucumbers, etc.

Subtext, people?
on 21 Jul 2008 at 8:04 pm94uppity cracka

holy crap. you’ll never believe this: lime and lye are two very similar compounds that are used for many similar industrial purposes including as a preservative. who knew?
on 21 Jul 2008 at 8:06 pm95Yo Yo Ma Ma

Not I!
on 21 Jul 2008 at 8:06 pm96uppity cracka

nope. not as a preservative. they are both used to speed the disintegration of human bodies. and the use of petroleum jelly was to give a more back alley disgusting ambience. i don’t really put it on my willy!
on 21 Jul 2008 at 8:08 pm97Zeus

I am. I decided that I triangle with lines for eyebrows (sorry Dude) wan’t suffiently deserving of the Greek (former) God of Gods.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 8:15 pm98Yo Yo Ma Ma

“Fifteen is my limit on schnitzengruben.”

-overheard at bridgette’s dining room.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 8:25 pm99Zeus

I love a woman that can take 15 schnitzengruben and that not to mention all the patries. She did seem to have Turrets though. She kept repeating the same thing over and over. I can deal, as long as it is Zeus and not Leviticus she is repeating.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 8:25 pm100Yo Yo Ma Ma

heh, for a really disgusting lubricant, grab a handful of mayo pouches from Arbie’s.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 8:30 pm101Yo Yo Ma Ma

Zeus, Bridgette will bore you tears with her idiotic chatter. Shove ‘Little Zeus’ in her mouth, that’ll keep her quiet for awhile.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 8:32 pm102Kraig

Cracka you dumb fangu it is lime. Lye is what your mom makes soap out of in the back yard while she’s stewing possum and squirrel in a caldron of lard.

And Josh I can honestly say that I never saw a episode of The Soprano’s. My uncles and their business associates said it was too cosie-cosie.

And Zeus….I got a lightning bolt for you right here.
Your not even a B list diety anymore. Just stay on your mountain old man.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 8:40 pm103Nun Ur Damned Bizness

What the hell is a ‘fangu’?!?
on 21 Jul 2008 at 8:41 pm104Yo Yo Ma Ma

Fangu (and hina) are generic names for gourds or calabashes which have given their names to the daily word for bottle. (from wikipedia)
on 21 Jul 2008 at 8:45 pm105Yo Yo Ma Ma

I’m not sure why Kraig would call someone a calabash.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 8:50 pm106Josh

Kraig,
Everyone knows you don’t dump a body with lime, thats how it gets found (unless of course you dump it in the pine barrens). You cut that body up and dump it over board or use it as chum.

Josh
on 21 Jul 2008 at 8:51 pm107Nun Ur Damned Bizness

So uppity is a dumb gourd?
on 21 Jul 2008 at 8:53 pm108Der Dude

Zeus,

Bridgette is memorizing Bible passages that have little or nothing to do with the current argument/discussion.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 8:55 pm109Der Dude

BTW Kraig,

I enjoy the way this blog flits around like a butterfly. Do you guys have butterflies in Joisey?
on 21 Jul 2008 at 9:07 pm110Yo Yo Ma Ma

Kraig lives in Jersey? What exit?
on 21 Jul 2008 at 9:07 pm111Yo Yo Ma Ma

If I get picked as the Holy Spirit, I’m going to yell, “Made it, Ma! Top of the world!”
on 21 Jul 2008 at 9:11 pm112Yo Yo Ma Ma

Nun, maybe uppity is shaped like a gourd?
on 21 Jul 2008 at 9:30 pm113Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Poor, poor uppity.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 10:18 pm114God

This is it? DAMN IT! My list of applicants currently includes:

Zeus
Bridgette
Yo Yo Ma Ma

No one here is worthy of joining The Trinity. Please think outside the box here people. I will select someone special from the world at large, but who should it be?

Morgan Freeman?
Eddie Murphy?
50 cent?

(Please don’t read anything into these suggestions). The NAACP has been hassling Me forever about having more minority representation, so I just filled My Quota by even considering those jiggaboos.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 10:30 pm115Der Dude

God,

Kraig has proven that he’s quite the smiter, add him to your list.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 10:34 pm116Zeus

And the Lord has spoken. What about Charleton Heston? He played an excellent Moses, he’s already up there with you, and he knows how to use a gun.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 11:29 pm117The Weasel

I just had a revelation.

Here’s the answer, the search is over. Evereyone put down your quills and feathers.

Behold….

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZvkD9rYoXOQ&feature=related

You’re welcome.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 11:30 pm118The Weasel

And by the way, that song will be stuck in your head forever God.

It is smite-proof.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 11:53 pm119Nun Ur Damned Bizness

God damn you, Weasel. God damn you!!
on 21 Jul 2008 at 11:54 pm120The Weasel

Victory.
on 21 Jul 2008 at 11:56 pm121Nun Ur Damned Bizness

I hope God smites you and your smiting comes in the form of dickfalloffitis.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 12:57 am122Cooper

Weasel,

I like where you’re going with this but I’m going to have nominate Rick Astley.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eBGIQ7ZuuiU
on 22 Jul 2008 at 1:48 am123Ted Haggard

Hey, what about me? I’d be delighted to fill the hole left by the Holy Spirit! Don’t worry about my earlier problems; I’m completely heterosexual now! Also, would I get to share a room with Jesus…?
on 22 Jul 2008 at 11:31 am124God Wants To Do Me

Give Lucifer the position. That way God and Luci can fuck with people like they did with Job. That’d be swell!
on 22 Jul 2008 at 12:33 pm125uppity cracka

i am NOT shaped like a gourd. but, i guess it is lime, so i am a dumb calabash. yep. can’t believe i went from front runner for the job to not even on the list. affirmative action is such crap!
on 22 Jul 2008 at 1:24 pm126Lazarus

God,

What about me? Consider this:

1. I am a man of the people, so they will relate to me, which an asset for performing the job of Holy Spirit.
2. I have been brought back from the dead. I have seen some shit, man. I have seen some stuff. I wouldn’t believe them if I hadn’t seen them, but I have!
3. I’ve been around for a while. Since Jesus brought me back from the dead but forgot to put my name back on the list for dying, I’ve been around for a while.
4. A long while. God, I tell You. If You give me smiting powers, I know exactly what to do with them. I’ll smite Jesus so hard! God, I hate Him! I know you can’t say it, and you can’t smite Him because it would cause too much hassle at home and with social services and stuff, but I’ll do what you’ve been wanting to do to that sandalled-wearing hippie for millennia and I won’t even flinch!

Your faithful servant,
- Larry
on 22 Jul 2008 at 1:58 pm127Yo Yo Ma Ma

Rick Astley just sounds black - he’s whiter than me.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 2:09 pm128God

Damn it you assholes, I said I didn’t actually want anyone black. That would just be weird. I am looking for someone famous though, someone who can bring us more exposure and more love. You know…Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Bono, these types of people (except not as douchey). Definitely someone with a lot of fame and a strong willingness to smite.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 2:10 pm129God

Someone like Cartman. Only real.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 2:11 pm130uppity cracka

jack nicholson. christopher walken. hunter s thompson is up there somewhere…or, maybe he’s in hell with luci. why not george carlin, he must coked out by now, looking for other entertainment.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 2:21 pm131Yo Yo Ma Ma

Rosie O’ Donut?

No, my bad - she’s on the receiving end of a smiting.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 2:38 pm132uppity cracka

oprah freakin’ winfrey. she’s practically white.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 2:40 pm133uppity cracka

kirk cameron. you’re welcome.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 2:46 pm134Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Rosie and Oprah have vaginas. I know it’s a shock but it’s true. I’m under the impression that vagina proprietors are not eligible for the position. Maybe God can clarify His position on this matter.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 2:51 pm135Yo Yo Ma Ma

Kirk Cameron may have a vagina, too.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 2:52 pm136Yo Yo Ma Ma

Rosie and Oprah have vaginas, true. But I’m not sure they’ve been put to their intended use…
on 22 Jul 2008 at 2:55 pm137Nun Ur Damned Bizness

I don’t think it matters if you use the vagina or not. We need God’s wisdom.

Kirk Cameron does have a vagina.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 3:26 pm138Yo Yo Ma Ma

God;

With Your amazing powers and abilities, why not create the perfect Holy Spirit?
on 22 Jul 2008 at 3:35 pm139uppity cracka

because it wouldn’t be as funny that way, yo yo.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 3:38 pm140Josh

God,
The answer is clear: do a reality show on VH1 called “The Universe’s Next Top Holy Spirit” where you pit people like Gary Coleman, Sherman Hemsley, Chyna, and Red Sonya herself against one another for the chance to be Your Holy Spirit! Jesus could host.

Josh
on 22 Jul 2008 at 3:40 pm141Lucifer

William Fucking Shatner.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 3:45 pm142Nun Ur Damned Bizness

The Shat!!! I think Lucifer picked a winner!!
on 22 Jul 2008 at 3:49 pm143God

Vaginas are definitely not allowed in The Trinity. Jesus has been begging Me since yesterday to let Mary in, but that’s obviously a no-go cause I hate the cunt.

Kirk Cameron? Interesting, but not NEARLY famous enough. I’m looking for divas, people who already think they are God.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 3:50 pm144God

Hmmm…..Shatner? Not bad…better….warmer….let’s hear some more….
on 22 Jul 2008 at 3:51 pm145God

Perhaps this list will help us:
http://www.time.com/time/specials/2007/0,28757,1733748,00.html?iid=redirect-time100
on 22 Jul 2008 at 3:51 pm146uppity cracka

bill o’reilly.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 3:56 pm147uppity cracka

bobby flay. after he smites people he could pressure cook them, glaze them with a raspberry jalapeno reduction and serve them next to a black truffle olive tapenaude. better eatin’ than the haitians, i’ll tell you that much.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 4:00 pm148God

Hmm… Bill O’Reilly? That’s good. He has a large following and doesn’t mess around. He might be the winner.

Some ones I like from this list are George Clooney, Chris Rock, Rupert Murdoch and Steve Jobs. And even though he wasn’t on this list, possibly Stephen Colbert.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 4:03 pm149Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Chris Rock?!?!? I hate to break it to You God but he’s black.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 4:03 pm150Der Dude

Peter O’Toole from the film ‘The Stuntman’
on 22 Jul 2008 at 4:04 pm151tubehamster

For as long as I can remember I’ve had all sorts of questions about the origin of my existence, my purpose in this cage, and the meaning of the life the cage and everything.

Today after my morning nap I formed a comprehensive theory on the creation of my cage. The cage was created in seventeen days by my god and divine savior god.

On the first day he created the bars
On the second day he created the wood shavings I poop on
On the third day he created the water bottle
On the fourth day he created the wheel, bane of my existence
On the fifth day he created the hot lamp
On the sixth day he created the annoying ugly thing that cleans up my poop
On the seventh day he created shiny things
On the eighth day he created wet things
On the ninth day he created porn
On the tenth day he created clear plastic tubes
On the eleventh day he died and was replaced by another similar looking hamster god before anyone could get sad about it
On the twelfth day he created cardboard tubes (bless him)
On the thirteenth day he created food pellets
On the fourteenth day he procrastinated and set goals that were too difficult to actually meet
On the fifteenth day he created cheese
On the sixteenth day he created me in his image
On the seventeenth day he rested and suckled on the water bottle of holy goodness and nibbled food pellets made of clouds

And that is where I came from.

Tube Hamster Out
-Nibble
on 22 Jul 2008 at 4:05 pm152uppity cracka

i was thinking colbert, but he’s playing a character. the character of bill o’reilly.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 4:11 pm153God

Nun - Oh yeah. So that rules Chris Rock out.

That’s it! Enough. I have made MY decision.

Say hello to your new HOLY SPIRIT!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XWtfbISKd8U

WELCOME O’REILLY ACOLYTES!
on 22 Jul 2008 at 4:16 pm154uppity cracka

wow. smitings should go up by about 50%. you know how many people o’reilly wants to smite(deport)?!
on 22 Jul 2008 at 4:23 pm155Lucifer

O’Reilly wins. I win. Everybody wins!
on 22 Jul 2008 at 4:23 pm156Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Shit. We’re all fucked.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 4:25 pm157uppity cracka

and not in the way nun usually means.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 4:29 pm158Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Yeah. We’re not fucked in a good way.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 4:30 pm159uppity cracka

she means a totally different way that we won’t like.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 4:34 pm160Lucifer

OK, maybe not everybody wins, but O’Reilly wins. And I win. And that’s all that matters, really.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 4:39 pm161uppity cracka

how do you win when we all get fucked in a way that we won’t like?
on 22 Jul 2008 at 4:43 pm162Lucifer

Do you think you will like the way you get fucked once you get to Hell?
on 22 Jul 2008 at 4:57 pm163Yo Yo Ma Ma

I can see O’ Reilly during Armagedon, crying “There’s no words to play us out!” Waah!
on 22 Jul 2008 at 5:00 pm164Yo Yo Ma Ma

Rush Limbaugh was scratched from the Holy Spirit short list, as he already thought he was God.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 5:09 pm165The Weasel

O’ Reilly is a fucking assclown.

I wouldn’t let him feed my gerbils.

Unless they were in my ass and he used his coarse tongue.

And still only one pellet at that.

Lord.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 5:33 pm166Nun Ur Damned Bizness

You should post a pic of that on your blog, Weasel. Better yet, post a video.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 5:56 pm167Yo Yo Ma Ma

I see that actress Estelle Getty has just passed away.

Why, God, Why??!
on 22 Jul 2008 at 6:03 pm168uppity cracka

o’reilly must hate the golden girls!!!!!!!
on 22 Jul 2008 at 6:07 pm169Der Dude

shoot uppity, wouldn’t it be easier to make a list of stuff that o’reilly doesn’t hate?
on 22 Jul 2008 at 6:12 pm170Zeus

I had a massive orgy on Mt. Olympus with all of the Golden Girls. It was awsome…of course they were yonger and virgins then.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 6:13 pm171Der Dude

Zeus, what happened to your totally bitchin’ avatar?
on 22 Jul 2008 at 6:16 pm172Zeus

Aah, there we go. Zeus’s memory is shot and forgot to sign in.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 6:17 pm173Curtis

I miss the old Holy Spirit already.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 6:18 pm174uppity cracka

yeah, about the only thing more annoying than the old holy spirit is o’reilly-the golden girl slayer.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 6:18 pm175Curtis

Gee, God, what timezone is Heaven in because my comment is timed at 6:17pm, and it’s only 1:17 pm here.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 6:20 pm176Der Dude

God must live in London!
on 22 Jul 2008 at 6:22 pm177Curtis

I like London, but it’s not my idea of Heaven. West Virginia is almost heaven, but not quite.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 6:22 pm178uppity cracka

it is all so coming into focus today, isn’t it? i’ve never felt so enlightened! or hopeless! damn you british God and your evil o’reilly spirit and your dead gay son!! wait, i take that back. i love you!
on 22 Jul 2008 at 6:22 pm179Lucifer

God operates on GMT, without consideration for Summer Daylight Savings. Right now, it’s 7:22-ish in London.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 6:24 pm180Zeus

Yep, we had our own version of O’Reilly in ancient Greece. His name was Socrates. He was a blowhard, insolent, cantankerous dill weed too. All, “only wise mwn are suitable to govern others.” Bull poo! That’s why I had him imprisoned and poisened.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 6:25 pm181Nun Ur Damned Bizness

I wish I was in London with our British God.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 6:26 pm182Der Dude

Luci, Thanks for the correction. Maybe the Azores?
on 22 Jul 2008 at 6:27 pm183uppity cracka

but the brits have such tiny wangs, nun-and poor dental hygiene.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 6:27 pm184Curtis

I don’t think God is British. With his temper, He’s got to be Irish.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 6:28 pm185Lucifer

Quite possibly, Der Dude. I can’t reveal actual details, on account of having been thrown out of there all that time ago.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 6:28 pm186uppity cracka

damn you irish God and your stupid o’reilly ghost and your dead gay son!!
on 22 Jul 2008 at 6:30 pm187Curtis

Ahhh, NOW we know why O’Reilly was chosen! God is Irish!

Explains a lot, really, when you think of it.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 6:37 pm188Cooper

What about Ann Coulter? I’m pretty sure she has a penis.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 6:40 pm189uppity cracka

shut up, cooper.

it’s all adding up now. i feel like lawnmower man all of a sudden. too much knowledge may destroy us.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 6:43 pm190Nun Ur Damned Bizness

I don’t care, cracka. No, really. I don’t. It gets me closer to the Scots and Ewan McGregor does not have a small wang. It also gets me closer to my people… the potato eating, ale swilling Irish.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 7:06 pm191The Weasel

I’m with Cooper. Ann Coulter. She’s a serpent-tongued, seven-headed hydra anyway, and should be eaten by angry asps.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 7:08 pm192God

You bloody wankers! I’m not British, Irish, Scottish or anything else of this world, so stop trying to classify Me as such. It’s almost like you idiots are assuming I’m a human posing as God.

I live in Heaven. I created the planet. Get over it.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 7:10 pm193Kraig

What about Chuck Norris?
That would be some serious smiting.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 7:10 pm194The Weasel

Shut up Ralph Johnson III of 1709 Larkspur Way, Camden, Kansas.

Um.. …I mean, God of Heaven.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 7:12 pm195Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Bloody wankers - No, that’s not British at all. Bollocks.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 7:13 pm196uppity cracka

look, it’s been settled as bill o’reilly…although chuck norris is a great idea. ooh, the roundhouse smite!

so, God isn’t irish now? it’s hard living as a reactionary tool…the constant ups and downs. how does o’reilly do it?
on 22 Jul 2008 at 7:16 pm197God

Chuck Norris! Hmm, perhaps I might have to reconsider….he has a huge following and faithfully supported My Servant Huckabee….
on 22 Jul 2008 at 7:21 pm198Nun Ur Damned Bizness

I think Chuck Norris would be an excellent candidate for The Holy Spirit position, God. If You even care what us lowly mortals think.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 7:21 pm199Yo Yo Ma Ma

“What about Ann Coulter? I’m pretty sure she has a penis.”

Several - she keeps them in a jar.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 7:23 pm200Yo Yo Ma Ma

Does Heaven keep GMT time?
on 22 Jul 2008 at 7:23 pm201Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Just what in the hell is wrong with keeping penises in a jar?
on 22 Jul 2008 at 7:28 pm202The Weasel

I keep Ann Coulters vagina in a jar.

It’s soaked in formaldehyde.

Not to preserve it, just so it would smell better.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 7:29 pm203Yo Yo Ma Ma

LOL!
on 22 Jul 2008 at 7:31 pm204Yo Yo Ma Ma

Or maybe some lye, or lime?
on 22 Jul 2008 at 7:32 pm205uppity cracka

either way! they both smell better than ann coulter’s stanky twat!!
on 22 Jul 2008 at 7:34 pm206Der Dude

Weasel! I almost peed my pants laughing at that one!

Kraig has a very good nomination…
on 22 Jul 2008 at 7:34 pm207Kraig

Maybe Cracka can get you some lye.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 7:40 pm208uppity cracka

if you prefer lime, i suggest you ask kraig.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 7:44 pm209Kraig

My Uncle Rocco or Luka can get you some at cost.
It’s the slow time of the year for the business.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 7:46 pm210uppity cracka

by “cost” he means someday they’ll ask you do them a “favor”.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 7:48 pm211Benjamin

Kraig is a goombah whose family eats pasta and kills people.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 7:49 pm212uppity cracka

oh, jesus, ben…shut up, will you?
on 22 Jul 2008 at 7:50 pm213Yo Yo Ma Ma

..and Benjamin turns up next month in a swamp in the Barrens, bullet holes in the back of his skull.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 7:53 pm214Benjamin

what? i just said the same thing you said cracka but without the faggoty ‘quotes.’
on 22 Jul 2008 at 7:53 pm215Der Dude

Hey Uppity,

Isn’t doing favors for people the “christian” thing to do?
on 22 Jul 2008 at 7:57 pm216Der Dude

Hey Luci,

You’re the father of Ann Coulter aren’t you? I’m just curious what critter you fucked to produce such vile offspring.
I’m betting it wasn’t a primate, or hell, even a mammal.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 7:57 pm217uppity cracka

it doesn’t matter what you say, ben, someone has to tell you to shut up.

let’s see: need to check my bible…here it is.
verily, i say unto you, whosoever doeseth a favor unto him shall a favor be given in greater measure than the favor he hath done. amen.
-God.
so, whatever that means.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 7:59 pm218Curtis

Where is the Unpleasant Jew in all of this? Has he banned the blog again?
on 22 Jul 2008 at 7:59 pm219The Weasel

Cracka why do you read such a silly little pamphlet such as the Bible?

I find leaflets left on my door handle more interesting.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 8:00 pm220The Unpleasant (No Longer A) Jew

shut up curtis. i don’t know who you are. don’t ask about me.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 8:02 pm221Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Wow! It’s like the Unpleasant (No Longer A) Jew is all-seeing and all-knowing. How else would he know that Curtis asked about him.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 8:03 pm222uppity cracka

“woe unto you, says the lord thy god, he who reads the leaflets and chinese menus distributed by the prince of this world shall surely be stoned to death by the congregation and his children be cast out.”
-God
on 22 Jul 2008 at 8:05 pm223Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Your bible forgot to capitalize, cracka. I wouldn’t let God see it, He’ll smite it.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 8:05 pm224Bloodvork

Thor would have been a good choice for changing the image of the Holy Trinity. He would certainly appeal to a much younger and metaler crowd. Think of the mighty smitey hammer.

Or maybe at least Fenrir. He would be like the Krypto of the Trinity, kind of like its mascot. And anyone who can eat Odin whole will do some good smiting.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 8:06 pm225The Weasel

“Your mother eats Cheez-Its.” - God
on 22 Jul 2008 at 8:11 pm226Josh

Bill O’Riley is closet gay. that’s why he’s so anti-gay to cover his tracks.
I also think he’s a closet mexcan, that’s why he’ so “protect our borders.” funny he wasn’t saying all this stuff before his family immigrated to the US.

Josh
on 22 Jul 2008 at 8:12 pm227uppity cracka

i think weasel is making up his own bible

well, fuck this, i’m going home to get drunk and play some metal with my totally average band.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 8:15 pm228The Weasel

Cracka, please play some N’SYNC for me.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 8:22 pm229God

Off Topic - Does anyone here have any coding skills? Stuff God Hates is becoming a real website and the php ghost programmer I found via craigslist is a stupid jerk who can’t even figure out how to get the gravatars working on StuffGodHates.com.

He also seems lazy and apathetic even though I have already paid him the sum of $35 million dollars. It’s like he thinks he doesn’t have to work anymore.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 8:23 pm230Josh

Smit him God, or better yet have Bill O’Fag do it!

Josh
on 22 Jul 2008 at 8:24 pm231Josh

I meant “smite”, You Damn It!!!

Josh
on 22 Jul 2008 at 8:30 pm232God

oh don’t worry, I WILL!

But I’m also mad with Myself. That’s a lot of tithings down the drain. Why do I always overpay?! Damn it I’m bad with money…
on 22 Jul 2008 at 8:39 pm233Nun Ur Damned Bizness

I can code for 35 million dollars, God. Pick me!!!!
on 22 Jul 2008 at 8:39 pm234The Weasel

That SUCKS God. Too many jokers on CL. I’d be pissed.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 8:41 pm235God

OF COURSE I’M PISSED!!!
on 22 Jul 2008 at 8:45 pm236The Weasel

Yes, but how do you really feel?
on 22 Jul 2008 at 8:48 pm237Tony Snow

God,

How about some new icons for the Holy Spirit? The Dove is way too trite, and not nearly smitey enough. Likewise the Burning Bush, unless you count Ann Coulter.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 8:51 pm238Josh

God,
I suggest for a smiting you give him all the programming knowledge in the world, then cut off his fingers and have fire ants eat out his eyes. Then of course stick a hot poker up his ass.

Josh
on 22 Jul 2008 at 8:53 pm239Curtis

Wow. I was just trying to show genuine concern for Unpleasant (no longer a Jew).

I suppose I will ask no longer then.

God, my partner is a systems analyst. If you’re serious, contact me outside of the comments (like in a holy vision, or email, or something) and I’ll see if we can help you. For $35 million I think we can do ANYTHING you want!
on 22 Jul 2008 at 9:20 pm240greg

I would like to propose that Mr.T from A -team and 80s saturday morning cartoons fame be considered as a posibility, he could stomp up with his gold chains and necklaces (with crosses) show off his mowhawk and muscles and tell all your enemies to “SHUT UP FOOL!”
on 22 Jul 2008 at 9:30 pm241Nun Ur Damned Bizness

He’s black, Greg. No dice.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 9:43 pm242Josh

Nun,
Mr T transends race, as well as time and space. He beat cancer, granted cancer tied him up in a shed that had all the tools Mr T needed to build a machine that shot telephone poles. So technically cancer helped Mr T beat himself.

Josh
on 22 Jul 2008 at 9:44 pm243Josh

Oh yeah Curtis,
“your partner”: if you’re gay I hope you didn’t do anal, because then God will smite you.

Josh
on 22 Jul 2008 at 9:53 pm244Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Josh,

Does that mean Swayze is no longer white if he beats his cancer?
on 22 Jul 2008 at 9:55 pm245Josh

Nun,
If only we were so lucky, but somehow I don’t think Road House 2 is in the works. Pray on it.

Josh
on 22 Jul 2008 at 9:57 pm246Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Josh,

I’m not one of the idiots that thought Swayze did quality material.
on 22 Jul 2008 at 10:19 pm247Der Dude

Nun,

You mean you’re not Swayze crazy?
on 22 Jul 2008 at 11:35 pm248Nun Ur Damned Bizness

Not at all, Dude. I never understood why he was so popular but now I know it’s because he was kissing God’s Divine Butt.

He was good in The Outsiders, I’ll give him that.
on 23 Jul 2008 at 1:31 am249Curtis

Hush up, Josh. God wasn’t looking so it didn’t count. I wasn’t raised Catholic for nothing. I’ve got $35 million riding on this, so don’t screw it up.

You weren’t looking, were you God?
on 23 Jul 2008 at 5:19 am250God

Yes, I was Curtis, even though I wish I didn’t have to. You sick fuck!

BTW everyone, Bill O’Reilly has been informed of his promotion to interim 3rd member of the Trinity. Naturally, he is thrilled. He now has the power to fly, smite and kill anyone he wants, and he has been reveling in it ever since.

However, I must state there is a trial period involved, and Bill wasn’t very happy about that. I wasn’t happy with his reaction. Anyway, if he does well and I like him, he’ll get to stay part of the Trinity. If he pisses Me off I’ll try someone else.

Thank you all for your suggestions and support throughout this difficult process.
on 23 Jul 2008 at 12:44 pm251Lucifer

God,

Now that two-thirds of The Trinity are one self-hating closet homosexual and one showtunes-loving asexual hippie, does it make You feel more manly?
on 23 Jul 2008 at 1:50 pm252Beelzebubba

I’ve missed a bunch, but in celebration of the new manly trinity I have decided to sing a song in honor and to the glory of the God.

WE’RE MEN.
WE’RE MEN IN TIGHTS.
WE ROAM AROUND THE FOREST LOOKING FOR FIGHTS.
WE’RE MEN (Manly Men)
WE’RE MEN IN TIGHTTTTSSSSS.
WE’RE ALWAYS ON GUARD DEFENDING THE PEOPLES RIGHTS.
WE MAY LOOK LIKE PANSIES…

Glory Be To the God
on 25 Jul 2008 at 1:51 am253HOLY SPIRIT

WHAT!?
on 27 Jul 2008 at 9:53 pm254Lo

I nominate George Clooney. He’s cute, he’s got intern experience (foot rubbing, martini mixing, etc) at Go Fug Yourself, the second best blog on the internet, and it takes true Godly power to bang so many hot babes at 46 anyway. Let’s face it, he’s your only competition and you may as well have him on your side let he try to overthrow you or anything. He’d probably win. Besides, doesn’t he seem like he’d be the most awesome drinking buddy ever? I think so. Go Intern George!
on 28 Jul 2008 at 5:37 am255Bridgette

“But whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will never be
forgiven; he is guilty of an eternal sin.” Mark 3:29
on 28 Jul 2008 at 8:06 am256Lucifer

Bridgette blasphemed against the Holy Spirit! She said he is guilty of an eternal sin! (And being a self-hating closet homosexual is no sin, only having anal sex is.)
on 05 Aug 2008 at 1:46 am257HOLY SPIRIT

Thank you bridgette.
on 06 Aug 2008 at 1:16 am258HOLY SPIRIT

I am not surprised
on 06 Aug 2008 at 3:07 am259God

SHUT UP HOLY SPIRIT!!! SHUTUP SHUTUP SHUTUP SHUTUP SHUT…..UUP!!!
on 10 Dec 2008 at 11:59 pm260Apollo

Height: 6 ft
Hair: Blond
Eyes: Blue
Talents: Rocking Lyre skillage, great at hooking up my buddies with the hottest nymphs
Likes: Long walks on the beach, sex, plagues
Dislikes: Satanus and his fucking gay ass name

~Apollo