Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
Hello My children. It is currently Monday morning in the Universe and I, The Almighty God, am not looking forward to another damn 4-day week of watching over the lot of you.
Another week of listening to your stupid thoughts and prayers, judging you, welcoming the deserving into Heaven, damning the deserving into hell, watching you all while you poop and masturbate, and on and on and on. It’s always the same damn thing. Lately, even the thrill of smiting has started to dampen for Me.
You’re shocked, I know. But do try and understand Me, feeble mortal. Have you ever spent an afternoon stomping on ants? Or a week shooting people in Grand Theft Auto? Or a lifetime fucking the same damn person? Then you know that, as fun as it is, smiting heathen scum can get old sometimes.
I don’t know why I even work at all anymore. I guess I just feel obligated because I’ve taken so much vacation time off already in the last two thousand years. Like, remember how so many of My Jews got killed by the Nazis and stuff? Well, that only happened cause I was out of the office and on a raging gin/ether/heroin binge from the years of 1937-1951. Um…yeah. Sorry.
I’ll admit it - I’m in a rut. I didn’t use to feel this way. I used to look forward to My Work. I don’t know, maybe I need a challenge. But that’s not even possible, because everything is so damn easy for Me. I tell you human, I’m bored out of My Infinite Mind.
You’re probably wondering what I’m complaining about, right? I mean, thanks to the Muslims making their Holy Day on Friday, the Jews on Saturday, and the Christians on Sunday, I have a three-day weekend every week.
I know how jealous you chumps are of this. And you should be – My Weekends are Glorious! I do love My Weekends. Like this last one I had was totally kick-ass. On Friday, Me and My best bud Gabriel did a whole bunch of this sweet weed laced with angel-dust he had and rode every rollercoaster in the world like 5 times. We had so much fun Gabriel puked his guts out. It was awesome. I used Saturday to recover and then on Sunday I had Audrey Hepburn blow Me all day while I ate an endless banana-split.
You’d think that would be enough to hold Me over till next weekend, but it’s so not. I’m telling you, Monday through Thursday are a fucking grind. I work round the clock during those days dealing with all the stupid human bullshit, and I just can’t take it anymore. I hate My Job, I hate My Obligations, I hate My Family and I HATE ALL OF YOU! ARGGHHH!
……
Holy fuck, I wish it was still the weekend.
Gene on 
ronpaulcandidate on 
jetaDeelp on 
Nun Ur Damned Bizness on 
The Ender on 
MAKE IT THE WEEKEND AGAIN DAMN GODDIT.
If you did that I could go back to sleep… so just push the pause button.
Love the pic, God. It’s nice to see You hanging out and having a good time.
Do You prefer steel or wood coasters?
What card games, other than poker, do you play on the weekends?
But what are the days real names? I mean:
Sunday: Day of the sun; Monday: Day of the moon; Tuesday: Tyr’s day (a Norse God); Wednesday: Wodan’s (Odin) day (Another Norse God); Thursday: Thor’s day (seeing a theme here?); Friday: Freyja’s day (Norse goddess); and Saturday: Saturn’s day.
Your munificence knows no bounds, gifting all of these other Gods and goddesses with their own day of the week (and the sun and moon as well). Even Sunday — Your Day — doesn’t have your name, so it is my theory that these names aren’t real, and you are hiding the real ones from us for some reason.
It’s either that, or the Norse pantheon was blackmailing you.
GABRIEL DOESN’T LOVE YOU THE WAY I DID, YOU BASTARD! And don’t even get me started on fag-assed Michael.
He let the days be named like that so we mere humans are more tempted not to believe in Him. Then in the end He gets to see more people burn in hell. Woohoo! Its just like the dinosaur fossils He planted with carbon dates back before the world was even created. I think it’s just brilliant how much God planted to tempt the weak-hearted.
Hey God;
Sorry to hear you aren’t enjoying Your work lately. Maybe a short vacation would help? Try fishing - Jörmungand puts up a good fight! Or maybe hunting? Fenrir is a crafty wolf, a little hunting might be fun. And those Scandanavian girls! Blondes and beer, a good time had by all!
Lucifer, you sound bitter. Did they not include you in their weekend plans - again?
Yo Yo,
Did you know that the first cause of death for males between the ages of 18 and 35 in Finland during the months of July and August is drowning after falling off the side of a boat while trying to piss the 10 litres of beer that made you drunk?
Why don’t you go fishing with God and Gabriel and Michael, you dumbass?
love the picture God. haha, it looks as if you’re reaching for that joint and pointing to another ride. sweetness.
Lucifer - ahhh… The Lord Of Bitterness lives up to his name. I hope God sends you a postcard.
BTW, I did go fishing with God, we caught twenty kilos of fish in the first ten minutes, fighters, both of them.
We took Jesus - he turned the lake into beer for us. I glared at him until he asked what was wrong.
I said, “Nice going! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat.”
hahaha, unless Jesus can turn pee into beer too. What would that taste like, Budweiser? Busch-lite?
Well, most Europeans say American beer is like screwing in a canoe - They’re both f*cking close to water!
Hey Lucy, Michael the arch angel and Jesus are the same person. Read a book or better yet just remember when you were in heaven chillin till God kicked your ass out.
God, why not just have fun with people like in the game SIMs. You know give them the ultimate weapon and see how they use it, or make it rain acid that burns people’s house and pets and see how they react. Oh that’s right, since You’re all knowing and can see the future you know how they would react.
Sucks to be You sometimes, but it sucks worse to be anyone else.
Josh
maybe you need to just chill next weekend. sometimes, if you party too hard, you actually feel WORSE on monday morning than you did on friday morning. maybe you just need some You time, God. you know, watch some crappy movies, order some kung pao chicken, go to bed sober.
Nun - I prefer the coasters we have in Heaven made out of glistening diamonds and gold.
Josh - that is what I do. I play with you all like it’s the Sims. Then when I get bored with that I play the Sims, and I have every expansion. Even made some of My Own. Still bored.
Uppity - I didn’t party too hard - I relaxed all day Saturday and Sunday. I don’t know, I need more suggestions for how to get out of this rut. This malaise has bugged Me for centuries and I’m sick of it. Perhaps I need to read that book The Secret. Maybe I can wish Myself out of it, you know, just tell Myself I’m happy and I will be.
sure, maybe the universe You made will return Your good vibes…like a beach boys song…only mystical or something like that. maybe You should make a new world; except one that doesn’t suck so bad.
God,
Maybe you can up the anti: for example give some humans super powers and watch them hurt other humans. Or even take your powers away (for a limited time of course) and live like a human.
Perhaps you can set up a cage fight between Satanus and Jesus? Like a ladder fight!
Josh
last time God lived like a human, things got messy. He already pointed out how much He hates being crucified. OUCH!!
Create a race of waffle-stealing lizard humanoids and pit them against humans in a race for waffle supremacy.
dear god,
i used to believe in you, but having never answered my prayers for shorter posts i’m becoming an atheist.
your former believer,
The Unpleasant (No Longer A) Jew
dear god,
fuck you and your mean monitor comments.
I’d like to see Jesus and Superman in a cage fight.
But who would promote it? Don King? Moses?
God, would You smite the local McDonald’s?
I bought a Happy Meal and asked for a toy for a girl. (I use them to bribe the receptionist to tell everyone I’m out of the office after lunch, when I’m really taking a nap under my desk.) They gave me a Transformers toy. And it wasn’t even Optimus Prime!
Josh and Bloodvork, thank you for your suggestions. I think i will do them both.
YoYo - Jesus and Superman cannot fight in a cage fight because Superman isn’t real, whilst Jesus is. I will, however, smite your local McDonald’s for you. ZAP! There, it has been reduced to rubble and the employee who wronged you has been framed for arson.
Unpleasant Jew - I have had more than enough of your insolence! Prepare to die! I SMITE YOU!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vb3IMTJjzfo
And that is just one of MANY smitings headed your way YOU JEW TRAITOR!
I SMITE YOU JEW!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jm8w7_P8wZ0&feature=related
whatever. do what you want. i’m banning this blog.
NO!!! YOU ARE NOT BANNING THIS BLOG!! I AM BANNING YOU!! YOU ARE BANISHED FROM MY KINGDOM FOREVER AND EVER!
all right!! it’s only monday and already with the smiting!!
Now that you’ve smote The Unpleasant, do you feel a bit better? You can borrow my copy of David Sedaris’ new book if you like. That’ll bring a smile to that cute, little, omniscient face of yours!
God, I just drove past the former McDonald’s, I must say, that was some of Your best work! Just smoldering rubble, and the smell of fat burning - mostly from the counter crew.
http://www.revver.com/video/307119/burnt-mcdonalds-in-augusta/
I’ve said a long time ago that I wouldn’t mind working 5 days if there was always a 3 day weekend…mind you, 4 on/3 off would be even better.
P.S. I was told God doesn’t watch when you’re masturbating
Fuckhead Curtis, I do actually feel a lot better! No thanks on the Sedaris though.
YoYo - You are welcome.
Lucky7 - You were told wrong. I’m always watching.
you can’t ban me. you have no power over those who don’t believe in you.
i can totally ban you though. and i do. all the time. all day.
what an unpleasant gentile.
God,
Have You thought about another drug-fueled, blackout-inducing binge? I know You’re old hat at such things and You’ve ‘been there, done that’ but maybe it will help release some of this boredom You’ve built up.
I’m not talking the sweet and tasty ganja you and Gabriel were enjoying this past weekend either. I’m talking something that will give You hallucinations and the crazy voices in Your head. I don’t know about You but trips like that always break up my dismal existance and make it just a little more interesting.
nun’s not just a whore, she’s a crackwhore.
Crack is whack, cracka.
hey God, how come you no ban jew to bad place? you ban me and nun, but not jew. what give?
shut up, ben.
no, you be shut. and me no ben. me neb.
this talking gimmick is dumb. please don’t talk to or about me.
so, uppity cracka, wussup?
meh, i don’t know, just doin’ cracka stuff: oppressing women and minorities, hoarding all the good stock tips, not paying my fair share of taxes, the usual.
hey unpleasant jew, me talk no dumb. you dumb guy.
he dumb right people? he dumb.
Neb is not funny. The Hulk did that same shtick about 20 years ago.
Uppity Cracka is hilarious.
Nun will be mad at me.
Josh
i wasn’t very funny last week, though. must’ve been the sobriety.
God, to lift Your mood, call out Gouranga and be happy!”
Call out Gouranga be happy!!!
Gouranga Gouranga Gouranga ….
That which brings the highest happiness!!
The Unpleasant (No Longer A) Jew, you should try it, too.
I heart you, Josh.
after letting some time pass, i’m still disgusted by how awful ben’s “i’m neb, i talk dumb” gimmick is.
i’m banning this blog till he cut’s the shit.
in other news, i just finished watching arrested development and that was NOT an unpleasant experience.
ok fine. I will stop talking like that. but I am not ben. but even if i was, what’s so wrong with ben anyway? he seems like a swell guy.
yeah. you’re not ben.
and i’m pleasant.
i’m not ben! he’s my evil twin brother though.
and yeah, like you’re not a jew anymore. we’ll see what happens at passover.
and i am too funny. i’m so funny. you love me and you don’t even know it.
that was the shortest ban ever. i think God should book some spa time. mudmask. massage. manicure. if he claims metrosexual status no one will call him a “jesus-boy”.
Aww, God gave me a special nick name. I feel so … uhm … blessed.
Shut up Ben/NEB!!! You are easily the unfunniest and most unlikable poster here. You’re like the carrot-top of My Divine Blog Comments. Perhaps a severe beating will help.
BEN - I SMITE YOU!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E76BEIZepns&feature=related
oh man, neb/ben got smited AGAIN!! that’s 2 smitings in one day! it’s gonna be a great week.
“But whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will never be
forgiven; he is guilty of an eternal sin.” Mark 3:29
NEVER?!! what exactly constitutes blaspheming against the holy spirit? would that be like if you stub your toe and yell “holy fucking spirit!”? every weekend i almost forget how much i hate bridgette.
I believe that verse states that he who commits the sin of blasphemy ,and does so intentionally, and with malice, shall suffer the consequences in the afterlife. It is a shame that you hate me so much. I do not hate you. You are merely a lost soul that needs saving. As my pastor said yesterday, we must be like fishermen, but for men’s souls. He also said told us that church is a hospital, not a museum. You go there to get HEALED.
your pastor is an idiot. i don’t directly hate you, but i hate your stupid avatar, your wasted, brainwashed mind and, most of all, your religion. it’s a sham. and i am NOT a lost soul. i am WAAAAAAAAAY more found than you. you’re lost in a fairy tale.
and that’s a helluvalot of poetic license you take with the phrase “blaspheme against the holy spirit”
it is not a sham! and do not talk about my pastor like that. he is a good and decent man and does a lot for his people. why must you hate us? all my religion has ever done has taught people to love one another. you are lost in a world of evil. some people just don’t want to be saved. it’s very sad and i feel very sorry for you.
Hey Bridgy,
if the people here are guily of blasphemy, then you know that they can not be saved. So really what are you doing here? I think it’s enjoying yourself.
Josh
all your religion has ever done for the world is taught people to love one another?! ever hear of the crusades? how many people have been killed in god’s name? it’s millions. millions. you are lost in a world of make believe. and your pastor may be a decent man, but he’s still an idiot. i should know, i was raised by one. and as the son of a man who can read greek and aramaic, i don’t think you should go taking liberties with what the bible does and does not say until you go translate it for yourself, which you won’t do because you lack any REAL passion for what you believe in. one would think that if someone was going to base their entire existence on a book that that person would take the time to find out what the book really says. but, you don’t do that. if you were born in syria, you’d be muslim;india, you’d be hindu. you don’t think for yourself. that’s why i don’t respect you.
Isn’t that what Christianity is about? Forgiving? Didn’t Jesus tell the sinners to ‘come as you are’? Yikes Bridgette…..making them all look bad………cool ur jets darlin’.
uppity cracka is my hero
…and your pastor is a chubby chaser, too.
FACE!
hey jew…give us a limerick about Neb…..pleaaase?
every time. i totally slam her and she disappears like that. every single time. and then i always say:
i’m done with her, seriously this time, done.
i was busy. some of us have lives outside of badgering people for their beliefs you know. people like you always talk about the crusades and the inquisition and all the things that happened a long time ago, as if that has any bearing on what the church is today. yes there have been terrible things that have happened, but that was the fault of people, NOT GOD. as for translating the bible, you really think everyone should have to learn to speak greek and aramaic? that’s why we have translators isn’t it? and yes perhaps if i were born in another country i would be a different person, but so would you.
ooooh! shit! she played you uppity! FACE!!
I think she just won me over. I’m serious. I’m gonna believe in Jesus and all that now. I’m on her side. at least she’s relatively nice, unlike the rest of you mean d-bags.
shut up, neb.
that’s why we have translators? really? you are a failure at debate: and yes, if i chose to spend my entire life living completely for the words from a book, i would spend the 5 or 6 years it would take me to translate it for myself studying. my dad did. he’s the only christian i’ve ever met who can actually tell me what the bible says. it wasn’t written in english. and as far as “badgering others for their beliefs” you’ve got to be kidding. i’ll give you a chance to take that one back before we stone you to death.
i see, it happened a long time ago. well, fucking iraq is happening right now because assholes like you VOTE. george w bush: born again christian. if you have so much insight into the grand truth why do you dumbasses vote republican? you really think they’re gonna overturn roe v wade? no, because if they did, dumb hicks like you would have no reason to vote for a guy to go bomb the wrong country.
oh uppity. i have never badgered you about your beliefs, because you don’t HAVE ANY. Iraq is not a religious conflict. it is for protecting us from terrorists and preserving freedom. a war i might add, that we are WINNING. you just wait until obama-mama gets in there and see what happens. you’re gonna get down on your knees and pray for bush to come back.
as for your rudenss, i will say only this: name calling is always the last refuge of a failed mind.
preach on sister! preach on! these atheist pinkos have no idea the kind of wrath God has in store for them!!!
“Iraq is not a religious conflict. it is for protecting us from terrorists and preserving freedom.”
-holy shit.
nothing is quite so rude as telling people they are “evil” and they deserve to burn in hell. in fact, comparatively, me calling you a fat cunt is barely even a little slap on the cheek.
as for me not having any beliefs… not believing in some medieval, static image of a bearded hebrew god that has never exhibited proof of his own existence is NOT the same as believing in nothing. third time i’ve had to post that sentence.
“atheist pinkos”
“god’s wrath”
you’re a lunatic.
God, could you do something to help poor PZ? He’s linked to your blog before, and you should maybe smite some of the people sending him hate mail and clogging up his inbox.
Bridgette said: “Iraq is not a religious conflict. it is for protecting us from terrorists and preserving freedom. a war i might add, that we are WINNING.”
You Bridgette, and people like you, are what is wrong with this country today. Wake up and pull your head out of your ass. This war was NOT about terrorists and preserving freedom and I find it disturbing that you’re stupid enough to believe that.
History will look back on this time and I’m betting G.W. Bush will not fare any better than Hitler. Bush has replaced Jews with Muslims. If you don’t believe me, ask the Muslims how they feel about the current U.S. President. World history is not written by stupid and gullible Americans.
Pizzled - Hmm, yes, PZ Myers is one of the few atheists I love. He may deny that I exist, but I can’t help it. Deep down he’s a good person, so, come judgment day I may just look past his snarky disbelief in Me.
As to the people sending him hate mail, I can’t say I disapprove of all of them, but I’ll tell you what - I’ll look through his inbox and if I find anyone threatening his life I will smite them thoroughly. I figure it’s the least I can do, he did link to My Divine Blog before. (Although he, like everyone other mortal, should be linking to every post I make).
The Honorable Prophet Nebliah Mohammed will destroy you uppity cracka, you racist atheist punk. Me and my brave sister in arms Bridgette shall make you all repent your sins against Allah, or we will bathe in your blood and clean ourselves with your blood, and then we will drink your blood and perhaps save some in bags in case we need extra blood someday. REPENT NOW!
dear god,
there is this really truly irritating son of a bitch that enjoys playing saxophone near union square in san francisco. if you would smite him, both me and my best friend would happily give you an 18-hour blowjob.
i don’t think there is much else to say on this subject..
your friend
crystal
Bridgette,
You keep saying you have never badgered any of us about our beliefs, but every post you make on this blog is purely to do so.
Jesus’ message was to stop being so judgemental and hateful, but all you and your church ever do is be hateful and judgemental toward people who are not part of the church. Not every Christian denomination gives its followers orders to go save people. Some of them suggest you just do nice things to people (without yelling any religion in their faces at all) and it might eventually encourage them to start doing those nice deeds as well. They don’t even care if the person becomes Christian, just that maybe they can improve themselves somewhat and in the end the world is a better place.
You are right though, Uppity is so pissed off in all his posts that he loses his power. He makes really good points, but punctuated by insults like “you are stupid,” which is really bad debate style.
Bridgette didn’t sound like Bridgette. Oh, she had the pious hypocrisy down pat, but she sounded like she was peeved, rather than the usual pasted-on Jebus Luvs U face.
Conclusions:
1: It’s a fake Bridgette.
2: It’s real, but getting a monthly visit from her friend ‘Flo’.
3: It’s real, but she ran out of Ding-Dongs to stuff into her pie hole, and was getting angry.
Dear your friend crystal, send pictures.
Calling Bridgette stupid doesn’t make his arguments lose power because well,
she is.
As far as I’m concerned, Uppity is the MAN!
Thank you, goofy version of my icon.
if this had been a real debate, i would have been more respectful. respect goes both ways. since everything she says is dumb, one can only conclude that she is dumb. if she wasn’t dumb, i wouldn’t feel the need to point out that she’s dumb.
FACE!
YoYo, you bring up a good question. Is Bridgette real? or is she just somebody playing a character? i can believe that there are people exactly like her in this country, supposedly 20%. But is this one real? everything she says seems to be a contradiction and hypocrisy. either she is that stupid or she isn’t real. i say we put it to a vote.
Is Bridgette real?
i think she is as real as the prophet nebilah mohammed…
and furthermore, i have to be pissed off in my posts or my character of the uppity cracka is no longer relevant, it would be like the jew being pleasant or bloodvork not drinking blood.
or neb being funny.
God will smite your asses so hard if you keep on putting things to a vote.
Keep up the good work. Democracy rules!
wow bridgey talked alot on this post…
the war on terrorism is in fact a money making scheme of the highest calibur. you’re fighting something that can not be destroyed, and in fact is something the USA is based on. Boston Tea party? Terrosism. War for independence? Terrorism.
Bush, with this war, has made more money for himself and his friends all the while people like Bridgette are so misinformed they think the war is for their benefit. I worked on disaster recovery after 9-11 and did some planning for installations in Iraq, it’s all about the money. The Gov’t would turn down low bids in order for them to give the contract to “friends”
Bridgette even goes as far as saying things are wrong with the church (like child molestation, drug use, prostitution etc) but it’s not God’s fault. If God is all powerfull, all knowing, then by his action or inaction it is his fault. So God either doesn’t care or can’t do anything about it. Either way Bridgy concept of God is fatally flawed.
Josh
i’ve decided to play along with bridgette as a character no matter what she says. i’m just going to agree with her and get back to being funny. if this blog loses its funny, that would be a shame.
now let’s see some smiting!!!!!!!!!
Evil Cracka are you suggesting that the right honorable Prophet Nebiliah Mohammed isn’t real?
Ha Mim
[41.28] “That is the reward of the enemies of Allah– the fire; for them therein shall be the house of long abiding; a reward for their denying Our communications.”
Of course I’m real! I just posted something from the Holy Q’uran! All praise be to Allah for the death of my enemies.
dude, i totally just got jihaded.
Brie warned you…
Bridgette is no different than extremist Muslims. Extremist Christians refuse to acknowledge that they are no different than the extremists of other religions.
i think that’s the point our fake prophet friend is making.
and this jihad is really starting to sting. is there some sort of balm i can use? God, i’ve been jihaded! what can i do?!
i’m banning reply #104.
wait….. DAMMIT!
Who needs some coffee?
Enjoy!
I believe ‘Bridgette’ is a fat, balding man in his late thirties.
“Iraq is not a religious conflict. it is for protecting us from terrorists and preserving freedom. a war i might add, that we are WINNING. you just wait until obama-mama gets in there and see what happens. you’re gonna get down on your knees and pray for bush to come back.”
Bridgette. You’ve GOT to be kidding, right?!? No. really.
Cracka, there is a balm of Gilead that I’ve heard of.
I believe Bridgette is a freaking idiot who is incapable of actually thinking. It’s easier for her to be led and told what to believe.
Nun said: “I believe Bridgette is a freaking idiot who is incapable of actually thinking. It’s easier for her to be led and told what to believe.”
Isn’t that the definition of a Christian?
Hear, hear:
Nun
Curtis
The Prophet Nebiliah Mohammed
Feart
Josh
Beezlebubba
I thank you all…
You are most welcome ‘der dude’ even though you sound like a whitey. I applaud you for leaving the white devils ‘cracka’ and ‘yoyo’ off your list.
ALLAH AKBAR!
yoyo, jew and i can band together in zionist unity to destroy you all!!!
as soon as i find that balm of gilead…we will ban you so bad.
this jihad is killing me!
i met bridgette’s pastor. he tried to perform oral sex on me. i told him only if he swallows. he refused. i slapped him a walked away.
The Prophet Nebiliah Mohammed, I banish Thee with my Most Powerful spells!
In the name of Lex and Yacc and dread Sie’plu’splus, I abjure thee! Ia, Ia Shub-Internet, the Black Process with a Thousand Children!
I once travelled through the town of Gilead, Maine.
I found the bum of Gilead in an alley.
cracka, that sounds like a plan! Can we bulldoze down Nebiliah and der Dude’s homes and put in our own settlers?
But I like Der Dude.
damn right!!! we’ll call it “new palestine”!! and then we’ll put up a skull and crossbones flag!! and then we’ll drink tons of rum!!
Nun, he can move in with you.
I want to be a palestinian pirate too!! That sounds like fun!
Arrr! Let’s have free strippers, too!
well, if nun comes along we have our free stripper. we need cooper or ben so we have someone to tell to shut up.
God, you impotent assclown.
I was sick all weekend again.
May Mary provide you with the soured teet of a sickly, malformed lamb.
I’ll only strip if I get to sacrifice Cooper to Allah.
Weasel, I saw your latest offering, I don’t wonder you were sick all weekend! Whenever I feel bad about myself, I go to your blog and view the sad sacks and your critiques - I feel better.
weasel’s blog is funny. he can be a new palestinian pirate if he wants.
Agreement. And he can interview anyone wanting to join - he’ll keep out the losers and posers.
Weasel is sad that ‘loser’ and ‘poser’ don’t rhyme - it limits the poetry he could write for his blog.
Those posts today- sad, sad, sad.
If only God had hurled upon me Rhyming Skills Of Thee, which he neglected and instead gave me a series of boils on my ass in the shape of Sagittarius.
God, I hurl gobs of spite at your kneecaps.
Yo Yo Ma Ma and Cracka, thanks for the praise.
Nun, you need to submit a stripping video and your measurements.
Also, what’s your stripper name? We’ve already signed up ‘Bambi’, ‘Trixi’, Air Force Annie’, and ‘Pamela Peaks’.
HA! I need not submit a stripping video. I’m like one of those actors who never needs to audition. I’m great at what I do, the best really.
boner.
that’s reassuring.
Sorry, Nun, I don’t make the rul- wait a minute, I do make the rules!
No stripping video, no admission!
TU(NLA)J, Boner?
The evil zionist oppressor jew got a boner! cut it off before he makes more jews!!!
Weasel, I snorted my afternoon Coke out my nose when I read “How To Pick Up Chicks. By Tom.” and your comment -
“So in summary, there are two types of women that might date you.
1. Desperate marine biologists.
2. Clay Aiken.”
Praise Allah! Mohammed Jihad!
erectile dysfunction.
stop jihading me!! the rash is spreading between my buttcheeks now!! i can’t even poop!!
weasel’s posts are nice and concise. good could learn something there.
“nice and concise.”
that rhymes. god can learn something there too.
Your loss, Yo, your loss.
Weasel, you do any writing on spec? How much for a thousand words on why it’s time for someone else to keep the damned candy jar filled here at work? I inherited it from a secretary, she assured me it was no trouble.
I thought it would be a good way to chat up the women here, except for the following:
1: I’m the only one that keeps it full. Hell, If I’m gonna squander $2.87 a week, I’d rather buy a squirt gun or something.
2: There’s only one good looking woman here. Usually, the other women come looking for a chocolate fix when they are feeling ‘cranky’.
3: My regular customer is male, and looks like one of the adverts you so skillfully mock.
I’m hoping I can work it off on the good-looking woman. Maybe I can offer to ‘fill her candy jar’ - does that sound too much like something from your Blog (feel free to mock - I’m just playing)? I’m married, but a man can dream, can’t he?
Nun, maybe we can work something out. Meet me behind the Wendy’s on Broadway. I’ll be in the bottle green Camero.
The Unpleasant (No Longer A) Jew A.K.A. TU(NLA)J:
But God knows all.
Doesn’t He?
yoyo-as a fellow married guy i can answer your last question. NO, we are not allowed to dream.
Yo Yo Ma
You’re at work?
Holy Hellfire, you have so many posts I thought you were at home watching a “Full House” marathon.
Buy your own damn candy and charge the ugly woman in your office sixpence and a nugget of beaver shit for every bite.
Then set her up with the winners on my blog.
Unpleasant Jew, you just left a “boner” comment on my blog didn’t you?
I knew I knew that DNA from somewhere.
I’ll pencil you in after Lucifer, Yo.
Weasel,
After reading your blog I’ve decided that I would like to breed with you.
wow, what an honor.
I gotta go feed my grandmother some laxatives and prepare this evenings boot soup.
Good to see you all.
God, to you I fling ankle hairs in the direction of your second cousin.
Thanks Nun, read it all!!!!
It’ll take hours!
I’m outty!
I love Weasel with the white-hot intesity of a thousand suns!!
Or ‘intensity’ because I don’t know what intesity even is. Typos make me
Weasel said:
“Holy Hellfire, you have so many posts I thought you were at home watching a “Full House” marathon.”
Damn, I’m missing an FH marathon? Love that Candace Cameron! Or was it Dave Coulier?
Life is easy this month - I’m cranking out biannual reports, which, since I spen the last year automating them (my predecessor was an idiot), means I click a button, then sit back while the database sucks in data, digests it and shits out reports. Sometimes I wander down to visit The Hot Woman, today I saw a nice nip slip.
Special times, Special times.
Nun, ‘intesity’ is what you get after eating half cooked General Tso’s chicken.
“Buy your own damn candy and charge the ugly woman in your office sixpence and a nugget of beaver shit for every bite.”
LOL, and people wonder why I burst into laughter at odd times. I gotta get an office with walls that go all the way to the ceiling.
The Prophet Nebiliah Mohammed,
I admire your candor. You stated your point outright when Bridgette failed to do so. If only the Irish were more like that instead of growing fat from American influence.
Bridgette,
You really dropped the ball. These heathens will not repent because they choose to not believe. So when you threaten to stone them, why do you back down? Where is the good old Christian ass-kicking? No lynch mob? No military? March on Christian soldier (or in your case, briskly walk)! Kill the infidels!
Peace be with you.
Padraig,
You are one of those dirty pig drunkard Irish catholics I take it. It makes my heart sing whenever I think of you and the protestant christians killing each other. The rivers run red with your blood!
Weasel,
I DECLARE A FATWAH ON YOU! DIE INFIDEL DOG!
I will stab you in the heart myself!
Praise be to Allah.
I thought you Muslim types just liked to cut off heads, Nebiliah?
nun, that a stereotype and stereotypes will not be tolerated!!!
they cut off all sorts of shit…now apologize to the man!!!!!!
No. I won’t apologize. What’s he going to do if I don’t? Cut off my head, that’s what he’ll do. Stereotypes exist for a reason, Cracka!!
Prophet don’t make me draw a cartoon.
It occurred to me that Audrey Hepburn is (was) 6
It occurred to me that Audrey Hepburn was (is?) 63 when she died. Now, an eternal being would probably see everything as a silly immature child, but us earth beings would see her as aging (though in Hepburn’s case I don’t think she aged badly)
Either way, it gets me wondering: did you have to change her into her youthful form to fellate you, or do we automatically get to ’start and stay’ at our desired form?
PeeGee- No, in Heaven you look how you did when died. However, I did transform Audrey to her hottest form for My All-Day-BJ.
pedophile