In this monthly feature, The Almighty first answers a few of the many questions He has recently received. Afterwards, mortals will be given the opportunity to ask God one (and only one) question. And if The Lord is feeling generous, He may actually answer.
QUESTION #1:
Reg: “Dear God, I’m afflicted by an unsightly and growing bald patch and I have bad acne. Can you help?”
GOD: No. If you are bald or unsightly it is purely because your constant embarrassment amuses Me.
QUESTION #2:
Project Openletter: “God, how do you feel about Bob Dylan?”
GOD: He’s been dead for 35 years - I smote him with a drug overdose long ago. That prick Satanus has been propping his hippie husk up for use in his nefarious schemes ever since.
QUESTION #3:
Tom: “God, are you ticklish?”
GOD: Wow Tom. What an idiotically insolent question. You will regret this!
QUESTION #4:
Cooper: “God, is chubby chasing or hogging a sin?”
GOD: Shut up, Cooper.
QUESTION #5:
Alex P. Keaton: “God, is it okay to beat the wife?”
GOD: It’s not only ok, I highly encourage it! It’s a great way to relieve stress, plus you get a really great workout.
QUESTION #6:
JimmyNoEmail: “God, how do you decipher mumbled/jibberish prayers?”
GOD: I read minds dipshit. Geez, why can’t you stupid mortals think for even a couple of seconds before wasting My Precious time with your stupid questions?
QUESTION #7:
André: “God, since You are omniscient, I’ll make my question in portuguese, because I’m brazilian and that’s my natural language - probably this is not problem to You: Por que você criou as coisas que odeia?”
GOD: Hoho, no is not problem to Me. You asked: “Why did you make the things you hate?” Because I didn’t know I was going to hate them so much later when I first made them. It’s easy to love a new baby I create – until that baby grows up to be a douchey atheist bloodsucker like you.
QUESTION #8:
D Hue: “God, how do feel about Santa Clause? Isn’t he kinda stealing your thunder?”
GOD: I hate him! He is a fat demonic piece of shit who ruins My Son’s birthday every year with his disgusting materialism. Also, kids first learn disillusionment when they learn that he is not real. Oftentimes this distrust fosters atheism in their later years.
QUESTION #9:
Josh: “God, what’s Your view on the priest who molest children?”
GOD: They are My Faithful servants and they deserve a little fun in their lives. As far as I’m concerned, they can fellate as many choirboys as they like.
QUESTION #10:
Uppity Cracka: “God, are Christians allowed to stone people to death on the sabbath?”
GOD: Yes, of course! While any day is a great day for a stoning, I truly love a good Sabbath Stoning. Nothing makes Me Happier on My Day off than to see a blasphemer’s bloodied and broken body lying in the town square.
QUESTION #11:
Yo Yo Ma Ma: “Hey God; I spent Sunday morning outside a local church, waving at drivers, trying to get them to come to church. If they drove past, I pelted them with rocks and garbage. Does this me earn any points on my Get Out Of Hell card?”
GOD: I’m not sure what you are referring to with your ‘get out of hell’ card, as there is no such device. But yes, this does please Me some. However, in your case you are going to have to do a lot more than that to win Me back. Next time put an orange cone in the road and stand behind it with a rocket launcher and a sign telling them to “Go to church!” with an arrow pointed to the parking lot. That ought to get the message across.
QUESTION #12:
Weirdo Chris: “What can I do to be a better slave for you? Any tips?”
GOD: Worship Me more often. Any free time you have when you are not working or sleeping, you should have your head bowed in prayer and you should be whipping yourself for being a bad person. This pleases Me. Also, you need to give Me more money.
QUESTION #13:
Jared: “God, how come you favor the Jews over everyone else? Doesn’t that make you a racist?”
GOD: No, that just makes Me pro-Semite. Besides, I favor them because they are so funny and they have awesome hair and their basketball H-O-R-S-E skills are beyond reproach. Also, I promised My old friend Abraham to look after them and keep them safe forever. How would it look if I broke My Promises? I would look like a real jerk, that’s what.
QUESTION #14:
Bloodvork: “God, what happened to the Jews in Egypt who didn’t get the memo that they had to put lamb’s blood on their door to save their children from The Holy Spirit? Wark.”
GOD: The Holy Spirit killed them along with the rest of the dirty Egyptian scum. It’s not My fault they didn’t get the memo. Maybe they should have been a little more involved in the Jewish community, hmm??
QUESTION #15:
Richard Dawkins: “Does God worship anyone greater than himself? How can he not be an atheist?”
GOD: No, what a ridiculous notion. There is none greater than Me. I have no need to worship anyone, including Myself. How can I not believe in My own existence? You are trying to sound clever but instead you sound retarded.
QUESTION #16:
Nun Ur Damned Bizness: “Are You sure You exist?”
GOD: OF COURSE! Are you sure you exist?!
QUESTION #17:
Nun Ur Damned Bizness: “God, about Carlos Mencia … whose diseased cock did he suck to get the gig he’s got?”
GOD: President of MTV Networks Doug Herzog.
QUESTION #18:
Nun Ur Damned Bizness: “Thinking of the loss of George Carlin brings only one thought to mind….WHY, GOD? WHY???”
GOD: What do you want from Me? He was old and had heart problems, ok? He also snorted a lot of cocaine in his day. It’s a miracle I could keep him alive and entertaining you for this long. But don’t worry, he’s not in hell as Satanus would have you believe. He’s up here with Me in Heaven. He looks really surprised. I know he was a staunch atheist his whole life, but he really makes Me laugh. He wasn’t exactly thrilled about being here at first (as everyone he was ever friends with is in hell and he’s surrounded by Bible-thumping Christians), but I brought up some of his pals from hell on his behalf and gave them a mountain of blow to do and everything else they could ever want. I also reunited Georgie with his first wife and his beloved dog Tippy. He’s adjusting well and has already started work on a new book of his observations and musings on Heaven.
QUESTION #19:
Bonogamy: “Dear God, who the hell do you think you are?”
GOD: I am the Almighty Lord your God! I can say and do whatever I like so you can just suck a rotten egg and shut your mouth you weak heathen dope! I respect your balls in asking such a question, but nevertheless your insolence will not go unpunished. I can assure you of that.
QUESTION #20:
Rev. BigDumbChimp: “God, why are you always so grumpy? Do you need a hug?”
GOD: No! Of course not. I don’t need you. I don’t need anybody! You people make Me so angry with your stupid questions and your stupid prayers and your stupid everything. Try as I might, I honestly just don’t give a shit any more. About any of you. Prepare yourselves - the end is near!
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Dear God, how do You get along with all the other Gods?
God,
Who will come up on top: Humans or Cylons?
God,
On June 12, 1986, I lost my virginity to a girl who actually bragged about sleeping with members of the science club and two special needs students. I lasted about 6 seconds and popped on her forearm, and she told everyone at school that the special needs students were better in bed. Tell me God:
Were You amused at your hijinks?
Did You have a good laugh about This with your Friends over a bowl of salted bugels?
I command You stop ruining my life You Self-Absorbed Ass.
Oh, and by the way, you had two options.
Wilford Brimley vs. George Carlin
Who’d you take?
Oh that’s right, now we have more five more years of late night infomercials from a condescending blowhard selling us oat cereals and ass cleansing products.
Thanks a lot God.
I hope the Chain falls off your bike today.
the end is near? awesome! i’ve been waiting for that.
God,
When homeless people are speaking to themselves and uttering gibberish, are they reallung talking to you? If you sent Jesus back to earth today how would we know he was Jesus and not some dirty hippie homeless dude just claiming to be Jesus?
God’s Humble Servant,
Josh
God-
By “The end is near” do you mean that you can not come up with anything else that you hate, thus ending this blog? You must be going new testament on us, the old testament god could come up with a plethora of things he would smite folks for!
judas is always trying to find an out.
God,
Do you hate Jared Fogle, that Subway stooge? I hate him a lot, and I hope that he gets fat again, fatter than he was before.
Karin - There are no other gods. Only wannabes.
Lucifer - Cyclons.
Weasel - You will burn in the lake of fire for your insolence.
Josh - Yes, they are really talking to Me. When Jesus comes back, trust Me. You will know it is him.
Judas - No, that is not what I meant you jerk. I have an endless number of things I hate.
Pizzled - Yes. If you were fat, and lose a lot of weight, you should not be proud of this and advertise your weight loss.
This is sin. A good person hides the fact that they were ever fat.
“god”,
I have a question. How do you live wiht yourself writing such hatred? Also, wouldn’t George Carlin definitely be in hell? If anyone should go, its him.
God, is barack obama a muslim or a bhuddist?
hey look, bridgette is starting to get the joke
Seriously, forget Rwandan warlords and South American dictators.
We need to direct our holy swords towards the laughing boys telling jokes.
anyone, bridgette? you think that man deserves eternal torment (why would wish that on anyone?)more than any other person in the world?
you are a deluded freak.
you know, taking pleasure in the misfortunes of others is basically the definition of psychosis…but, what would you expect from a person whose entire life is built around a delicately constructed fantasy. one step below schizophrenic.
God,
What is the superior race: Zerg, Terran, or Protoss?
Thanks,
JM
PS: thank you for blessing me a large penis.
If you’ll kindly oblige, God, tell me if you have any special torments prepared for Jared.
Bridgy,
Carlin deserves it more than Hitler? More than Judas? More than you? I think not with your sin of pride.
God,
Do you like it when people call You Jehovah or Yahweh since that is what’s written in the Bible?
God’s Humble Servant,
Josh
[...] reading the latest post on Stuff God Hates, I was compelled to let all 5 of you who read El Gammy’s blog know about it. God is a fucking [...]
Thanks God, I knew there was something fishy about Love & Theft.
Bridgette - How dare you question My Holy Blog? I have half a mind to smite you with anorexia for that fatty. And no, George Carlin shouldn’t be in hell. Why should Satanus get all the good comics? I’m so sick of Bob Hope.
Luis - Barack Obama is clearly a Muslim. He is black and has a Muslim sounding name. Don’t listen to his claims that he is Christian, this is just part of his plot to take over and destroy America.
J-Moke - Zerg is the superior race due to their special borg abilities. And you are welcome.
Josh - I don’t mind it, but I prefer to be called ‘The Almighty Lord, Master Over All That Is and All That Ever Will Be.’
God,
What do I have to do to convince you people that I’m not Muslim?
Praise be to God.
Obama
Obama,
You people? YOU PEOPLE?! Who the hell you calling you people?!
Dad,
Why did you forsake me and leave me hanging on the cross for so long? That wasn’t what we had talked about at all. You said as soon as I started to feel pain you would take me. Why did you make me wait all day to die? That really hurt!
Por que? Por que Dios?
God,
First I would like to thank You for putting three of my questions in Your ‘Ask God’ segment. Although I would like to express my remorse that one of the questions is me being a smart ass and tempting You, in Your Wonderous Power, to smite me. Rest assured, Dear Lord, it was a lesson learned very well. I hate Haiti almost as much as You hate… well, just about anything but Jews.
Second, pardon my insolence but as a sci-fi geek, it is Cylons, God. Not Cyclons. Although the newfangled human Cylons suck ass. Everybody knows a real Cylon is metal and has one red moving eye.
J-Moke,
Let’s go out!!!
Jesus,
This unresolved issue You have with Your Dad, do You think this might be part of the reason that You’re such a pansy?
Is this blog really from You oh God, and if so, how would I know?
BTW, please don’t infect me with boils for this Q.
That’s a stupid question, stevemudskipper. Read the fucking title. It’s written, and by God himself, and we know this because it says so. If you want more evidence than this, you are probably retarded, but anyways if you insist, then just look at the trees and flowers. Aren’t they beautiful? Yes they are. Ergo, God exists and this is His Blog. Happy now?
Now go make a decent blowjob to your local priest, choir boy.
Jesus - I forsook you on the cross because I fell asleep on the toilet after a long night of drinking and smiting.
Cooper - Cállate, Cooper.
Stevemudskipper - Yes moron, this blog is actually from Me, The Lord God Almighty. I assure you, these words are not being written by some pathetic human fool. As proof of this, witness the brilliance of My Divine Writings. Notice that your brain is pounding and your testicles are throbbing. What more proof do you need?!
No se por que tratas tu hijo como de una puta.
Why did you smite my neighbor? He is a rare Jehovah’s witness. He never goes door to door and preach about joining his church. Now, I found out he has prostate cancer! You much really hate Jehovah’s witnesses. POR QUE DIOS, POR QUE?
God,
Cyclones are indeed powerful, but the best they can do is kill a couple of hundred Asians at a time, on a good day.
Cylons, on the other hand, be it the skin-job or the metallic one-eyed version, have been known to almost totally wipe out the Twelve Colonies of Man. They have also at one point formed a duet with Garfunkle that had the potential to drive the Thirteenth Colony to slash their own wrists. I think it stands to reason they will eventually win the war, don’t You agree?
Why have You never deployed Cylons into Asia if You hate the place that much?
Dear God,
How many Earth days is each of the Original Seven Days in which You created Earth (I say seven rather than six, because everyone knows that Your day of rest is very important)? I am just curious as to whether or not You work on the same time system as we mere mortals do.
Ever faithful,
Hj
Do vegans and PETA people upset you?
Also any feelings on hippies, lawyers and used car salesmen?
Is there a special hell for politicians?
My 14 year old son asked me the last one.
Thanks
Kraig
God, how can i be a better slave to your greatness? is there any level of groveling or servitude that could earn me your awesome tornado power? also, sometimes people question my belief in you by using some strange thing called “logic”;what can i say to make them feel stupid?
Cooper - I smote your neighbor because he never goes door to door preaching My Word. He is a bad witness!
Lucifer - You are obviously trying to prove your nerd-worth to get back in Nun’s pants.
Hjorrdis - It is equal. 24 hours to a day. I hate all that talk that one of My days is a long time. Detracts from the impressiveness of My Creation of the Universe.
Kraig - Yes. They are denying all the delicious animals I have given humans dominion over.
Hippies - hate them.
Lawyers - hate them.
Car salesmen - hate them.
Tell your son that yes, there is a special hell for politicians where they have to campaign endlessly and nobody ever cares or votes for them.
You hate hippies, God? But… isn’t Your Son kind of like the first hippy? I always loved Jesus because I thought He was like a hippy.
What I am trying to prove is that Cylons (invented by ME) are better than humans (invented by YOU) and humanity is going to have its collective ass kicked!
And Nun, that’s next on God’s hate list: Jesus.
Nah. I think He loves His Son. He’s just horribly disappointed in Him. I don’t blame Him really. God is a Bad-Ass that can cause mass destruction and chaos with a simple sneeze but Jesus is a whiner. It’s like when tough football players have sissy boys… it’s that same kind of disappointment. Frankly, I feel sympathy for both of Them.
Dear God, why do you host your blog on Wordpress.com? Do you know someone working there?
^
||
This guy has the nerdy version of my icon.
he also asks dumb questions. of course God knows someone working there, He knows everyone working there because He knows everyone everywhere! for a person with such a nerdy avatar you don’t seem very smart.
George Carlin may never have killed anyone, but he doomed plenty of people to eternal torment by causing them to lose their faith.
shut up, Bridgette.
Don’t be an idiot, Bridgette. George Carlin never twisted anybody’s arm and caused them to lose their faith. Free-will, dumbass.
Doesn’t God doom people to eternal torment?
That’s like saying “Don’t eat hamburgers, eat hotdogs,” and then a beef company president kills you.
bridgette’s arguments, the more she explains herself, just keep sounding more and more ridiculous. this is probably the first time she’s ever met reasonable people who question her precious illusion. i picture her sitting around with a bunch of like-minded (weak-minded) people just like her; all agreeing; all dumb.
yeah, bloodvork, God’s big into dooming. just ask him.
Have you noticed that Bridgette’s avatar only has one tooth? God gave her that one because it matches her scintillating logic and homozygous genetics.
Hey, I only have one tooth too! Thanks, God!
I think Bridgette is right! Anyone who causes the masses to loose faith should burn in hell!
Hey but wait what if Carlin caused many to re-examine their faith and thereby make it stronger shouldn’t he be in heaven then?
But wait if God is perfect in justice then wouldn’t the idea of hell go against that, since it is unjust? I mean an eternity burning in hell for a few evil acts you did in your short life?
God’s Humble Servant,
Josh
Bridgette invented the toothbrush. If anyone else had invented it, it would be called the TEETHbrush.
but, wait, what if all the smart people go to hell for thinking logically and heaven, by default, is for dumb people. but, wait, why would God favor the stupid? but, wait, if God loves us all equally he favors no one based on slight genetic variances. but, wait, God made us all the way we are; not the chance of having good genes. but, wait, if God made us this way, why would he send us to hell? never bet against a sicilian when death is on the line!
God, what do you for independence day? do you curse all the fat people in america or grill out with your family or blog or what?
i find it hilarious that bridgitte is breaking down and actually interacting, instead of printing bible quotes. i mean, she’s still got a long way to go, but she’s sure trying.
maybe we can coax her into agnosticism. i haven’t heard of any agnostics that went and killed millions because they believed in a white wizard that lives in the sky.
uppity cracka, my head hurts after all that! I’m consulting my Magick Eight Ball (r) for help.
Hey God,
Why have you set my State on fire? Is it because them damn commie judges made it OK for homos to git married?
It’s just that I have a ministry to run and many of the older members of the flock are in the hospital from breathin’ them PM-20’s or some such shit. Anyways, they can’t very well send me checks when they is all hooked up to tubes and stuff. I got a boat payment due and every day when I go golfin’, my eyes burn real bad. Please smite them homos and commies and leave the rest of us You-fearin’ people alone. Thanks God!
Gian Paulo - Yes, I know the founders. Bunch of bumbling idiots. They’d have gotten nowhere without My Help.
Uppity Cracka - I do not feel the need to do anything special on the ‘4th of July’ as I am not, as all of you fat piss-swilling Americans believe, an American! I am Universal. I will address My Anger on this subject further on the 4th.
San Joaquin Joe - I set your state on fire every year, and I cause mudslides and earthquakes and other fun things because I hate Californians. Always have, always will. It has nothing to do with gay marriage being legalized. I have no problem with gays being married, so long as they do not have any kind of sex.
Is it true that the Virgin Mary was only an anal virgin? It would explain a lot if this is true.
Hey God,
We know You’ve been forced to endure film and television because of Your intense hatred of Sex and the City. Is there anything You do enjoy on film, stage or screen? Do You like musicals like Your Son? Or are You more of a MMA kind of Guy?
[...] Ask God: June …is chubby chasing or hogging a sin?” … shit who ruins My Son’s birthday every year with … are Christians allowed to stone people to [...]
Tom - As I addressed in My 6th Post, the ‘Virgin’ Mary was no virgin at all. She was a whore. They only called her that because she devirginized so many young Romans.
Nun - I enjoy plenty of movies and TV shows. I like pretty much anything that doesn’t suck. I enjoy shows like South Park, Lost and Survivor, among many others. As far as movies, I would have to say I like Scarface a lot, Ben-Hur, Open Water, and Raiders of the Lost Ark, just to name a quick few off the top of My Head. I can’t think of a single play or musical I ever actually liked.
God - Thanks for fucking smiting my power supply asshat. I will have you know it will take more then that to keep me down.
Bridgey - FFS how many times where you dropped on your head between nightly touching sessions on the mormon ranch? I honestly thank you for being the poster child for fundie retardism and proof that imbreeding is bad.
Please know that I hope that there is a God just so that he can send you straight to that happy burny place where demons can rape your putrid crotch for eternity, for it is most certain NO God would want you doing their job and passing judgement upon everyone but yourself.
Oshit god I missed your TV comment and since you’ve already seen it will you please slide me a copy of Season 5 and 6 of Lost. It would help my belief system I swear.
Beelzebubba - You are welcome. That’s what you get for trying to prove I don’t exist - a good smiting to remind you that I DO.
Despite this, I will send you DVD Seasons 5 and 6 of Lost in the mail. Expect delivery in 5-10 weeks.
God,
To better prove my faith, I recently started sacrificing lambs and other animals of similar size to you. Hope you enjoy them.
However, I have had difficulty cleaning the blood stains off the old coffee table that I use for the festivities. As cleanliness is next to godliness (I think you said that in II Samuel or something), I was wondering if you had any tips for cleaning up the annoying blood stains, or if you would rather I left them as a testiment to my devotion.
Angus - I have been enjoying the lamb, cats, dogs and hamsters you have been sacrificing to Me. Thanks.
As far as your coffee table situation, try performing your sacrifices on a stone tablet at the top of a hill at dawn. That’s what you should be doing anyway. But you can’t do that I know, because you live in the city. So, I would rather you left the blood stains as a testament to Me, so long as you NEVER ever clean these stains. Also, if you do this, you are no longer allowed to have sex on the couch OR masturbate in that room.
“The fool says in his heart, “There is no God.” They are corrupt,
their deeds are vile; there is no one who does good.” Psalm 14:1-3
“There are idiots who still say “God exists”, they are morons and stupid and do nothing of good”, Encyclopedia Galactica, 560th page, 7th paragraph, edition of year 2343;
God,
Is there a good poker night over in Heaven and if so, what are the stakes?
God, you claim you aint American. But the Bible wuz ritten in ENGLISH!!
dear bridgette,
jesus was just a dude and the new testament is a lie.
go jews.
Thank you God, I will be watching my mailbox…
Out of curiosity are you capable of bypassing the USPS (I hope not)? I am kinda worried I will receive my package and instead of Lost seasons I will get a Glory Bomb or something.
BubbaSauce, it is better to be silent and appear a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
God,
Although you are saying you are not an American you put yourself on our money and in the pledge of allegiance. In fact You’ve worked Your way into every level of our gov’t. You even had GW Bush make a bunch of Your laws into civil laws (or at least try his damndest).
Josh
God,
Thank You for sharing Your viewing pleasures.
I must admit that I’m perplexed God. Survivor and Open Water!?!?!
Do You enjoy Survivior because reality television brings out the worst in humans? Do You like Open Water because the humans end up dying? I gotta tell You, God, I think Open Water sucks some major ass and I was sooooo bored when I watched it. That’s time that I’ll never get back and would have been better spent masturbating.
South Park kicks ass, God!! Thank You for making those Stone and Parker guys.
Josh,
God did not put himself on US money. Humans did that.
uppity cracka:
Obviously, I was asking if he and the founders have constant communication, if they made a deal or something like that.
Nun Ur Damned Bizness,
Doesn’t God basically takes credit for everything. So yes humans printed the money, and even designed it, but it was God who made them design it that way, no? That’s the problem with being ominipresent and omnipotent, anything and everything is your fault or a direct result of your action or inaction.
Josh
God, are you a global warmer or a denialist?
Also, you’re a fan of Microsoft or Apple’s?
Big last question: When will you smite the hell out of Pope Benedict XVI for his blatant atheism?
God, another question:
Is it because you’re a pussy that you took out one of the best lines of your blog from the “Asia” post? I’m referring to this beautiful line:
“I’m the reason pandas don’t fuck. I fucking hate pandas”
Now it refers to something fag as “screws” and some other sissy shit.
Josh,
No, I don’t believe God takes credit for everything. In fact, He seems to get quite pissed when we credit Him for things He wants to have nothing to do with.
Woah!! WTF!! Somebody is censoring God??
Nun Ur D Biz,
I think God makes the things He hates as tools that let Him vent His anger and smite things. He made Satanus, He made us, gave us free will, He made all the stuff He hates in some way, but without them He’d have no excuse to hit the Asians He hates with floods and storms or even throw Boyscouts to the 4 winds. If everything was peachy keen God would be bored and have no reason to flex His all-powerful-ness.
Josh
whut?
“what” is spelled with an “a.”
dummy.
What?! THE CURSES WERE TAKEN OUT OF MY POSTS?!!
Fucking Jesus must have done that when he logged onto My Account. Don’t worry, I will fix this fucking thing. And I’ll add even MORE fucking curses than before!!!
FUCKING JESUS!! THAT BUTT-FUCKING FAGGOT IS GONNA DIE!!! AGAIN!!!
FUCK!
I see Rush Limbaugh got a $400 million dollar contract.
http://www.iht.com/articles/2008/07/03/business/03radio.php
Who is to bla- I mean, who is responsible? God or Lucifer?
Careful, Jew, Bubba might have a shotgun in the back of his 1987 Chevy pickup. The one with the Skoal bumper sticker. No, Bubba, not that one - the one that’s actually running.
Is God’s blog being censored by someone other than Jesus?
yeah. homos.
TAKE ‘EM DOWN, BRIDGETTE!!!
The gays would not care about cursing so you can’t blame this on them.
God, that “Stuff White People Like” guy got a book deal due based upon his blog. Do you have a new book in the works yourself? It’s already been nearly 2 millenium since your last one came out.
This is going to make me look like a complete idiot and an absolute nerd but thanks to Chris Carter and The X-Files, whenever I see or hear ‘Doubting Thomas’ all I can picture is Robert Patrick. Doubting Thomas is going to spread the word.
Sorry, God. I know Doubting Thomas has a much more important meaning than Robert Patrick.
Nun - I used to hate Survivor, and then they had that season where they pitted the different races of humans against each other, and I’ve been hooked ever since. As far as Open Water, yes it may seem boring to you, but keep in mind it is a movie based off of a true smiting. And yes, I really enjoy the ending.
Luis - Yes, I am causing the planet to melt faster and faster. It’s part of a grand smiting defense mechanism I built into the planet as punishment for the greed of humans.
As to the censorship, as I stated above - do not fear. Jesus will not get away with his pussy tricks. I will go back to those posts he mutilated and put in more cursing than ever before.
Doubting Thomas - No, no new book yet on the horizon. Tell your friends about My Blog. Tell them to tell their friends. If humans still care about Me, they will visit in the vast numbers I deserve. Then, and only then, might I consider gracing you all with a new book.
There. I have made the Asia post FUCKING better than ever.
http://stuffgodhates.wordpress.com/2008/05/14/21-asia/
I’m especially fond of the new second picture.
Dad,
I took out all your nasty curses because cursing is sinful, evil and wrong! And it makes me cry. I am so disappointed to see that you put them back in and made it even worse. You want people to think you are some kind of racist & sexist monster?
To the rest of you, I must say only this:
Leave Bridgette alone!
Leave Bridgette alone!!
LEAVE BRIDGETTE ALOOOOONNNNEEE!!!
Jesus,
Don’t cry and don’t be sad, Dude. I’ve got some really good shit in the bong that Your Dad blessed me with. You want a hit? You’ll feel so much better.
wow, God, I’m impressed at the fucking asia fucking post. That’s what I call a revolutionary update. Fucking good fucking job, God.
Hey God, do you EVER reply to my comments or are you too afraid of their awesomeness?
HI. Long time reader first time poster…God please flog Jesus. Flog Him real good. Give Him a floggin he will not forget for his insolence. By the way how did He get Your password to edit Your blog?
iambetterthanyou - My bad. You asked if there was a poker night in Heaven. Yes, there is as a matter of fact. Every month we play reverse-strip poker, where losers have to put on those ridiculous human clothes (everyone in Heaven is always naked otherwise, of course). And then every three months or so Satanus and Me meet on top of Mt. Everest and play no-holds barred Texas Hold-em and bet the souls of people we want.
in a hand-basket - Already done. I’m still having him flogged as we speak. After that he’s going to spend a month in the hole. He found My Password because I foolishly used the ‘remember password’ feature. He didn’t even have to try to crack it, he just had to press enter.
I hate that feature. I love the way you work God keep on smitting! By the by do think Jesse Helms is enjoying Hell?
Another question, if you, God, have a blog about things you hate, I was wondering if you could follow that up with a blog about the things you like?
LOL iambetterthanyou, that would be a brilliant site as well. Funny thing is, I think it would be quite similar to this one…
God, you fucking rule.
If I kill in your name, will I get special brownie points in heaven?
Dear God,
Why did you make the duck billed platypus? This was a joke, right?? Because that thing is REALLY fucked up.
Bridgette, Sweetie, lighten up, Hon. The one and true God actually DOES have a sense of humor. Why do you think He created the duck billed platypus? And this blog is not blasphemous — it’s funny and I think God appreciates the ironic humor, for Christ sakes. (No offense, JC).
Although, I do think that You, God, need to smite Dead Ben because he’s mean and told me to shut up. I hear he’s into anal, so there you go.
Oh and there’s that stupid avitar again. I forgot to add “fuckhead”.
Praise be to God.
God,
I’ve been meaning to ask you about snakes. It’s been on my mind ever since I drove them all out of Ireland and I need to get this question off my chest.
What the hell did you make ‘em for? They’re fucking gross and scaly, and you remember that whole Eden incident…
And when the druids were having that coolest staff contest, why did you turn mine into a snake!? I felt so embarrassed. Why couldn’t you have turned my staff into a cougar or something cool?
In YOUR Name,
St. Pat
Hello God;
I want to sue your weasly son. My grandmother lost control of her car last week, so she let go of the steering wheel and yelled, “Jesus, take the wheel!”, like in that terrible country music song.
The twit rammed a garbage truck, now she’s got $2000 worth of damage to her old Ambassador (the American Motors version, not the Indian).
iambetter - No, Jesse Helms is not enjoying hell. Not at all. I am not making a blog about things I like. If I decide I like anything, I’ll post it here.
rantingstudent - Of course!
Fuckhead Curtis - I already smote dead ben, that’s why he’s dead and in limbo. The duck-billed platypus is not a joke. It is a beautiful creature, perhaps My Proudest Creation. It proves the elegance of My Divine Design aesthetic. You can not appreciate it because you are a human with a microscopic brain.
St. Patrick - I turned your staff into a snake because I hate you and your stupid cathedral. You didn’t drive the snakes out of ireland, I DID!
yoyomama - Your grandma is a dumb cunt.
amen.
“Your grandma is a dumb cunt.” Well, yeah, I knew that when she blew my inheritance tithing!
Dear God,
What do you think of the Mormons, with their magic underwear and ridiculous beliefs that those us foul, rotten, baby-killing, puppy-kicking, self-absorbed demonic blapshemous hipster idiot members of the human race can be Gods too? Mormons all claim to love and worship you so much, but only because that stupid asshole Joseph Smith told them to. Who the hell did he think he was? Your mouthpiece? God, what a douche. What ever happened to him, anyway? Did he get smited or did you let him off the hook for not being African and making sure all the pioneer guys had tons of bitches so they’d stay away from anal? And do you tend to send Mormons to Heaven or Hell, or just obscurity, like Mitt Romney?
Regards,
A loyal servant.
Lo,
I love the Mormons, so long as they have more than one wife. The Mormons are the only religion that has everything just about right. ARE you actually suggesting that My loyal servant Joseph Smith was a crackpot liar?! Everything he said was true!
And I created the magic underwear. That was one of MY innovations. You got a problem with that too?!
God,
do you like oprah?
Oprah IS God.
God IS Oprah.
it’s like the trinity, kind of.
Listen God, Let me holla at cha for a sec.
What’s with the rude replies, didn’t your momma teach you anything.
Anyway i got a question for ya,
Who the f*** are you really?
Oh goodness, excuse my french…Oh and I’m the better god muhahahahahahahahaha
YOUR HAVE MET YOR MATCH!
Lord Have marcy upon this Gods wanna be, for they have sin.
Oh and if your are gods, than whats my name and my dad’s or my friends(name ALL OF THEM) or and let’s not forget my mommy.
I’m crackhead partner.
Bloodvarks don’t speak reject mutant.
Crackhead and Butthead - please post more, more more more! post everyday you dumb fuck jigger cunts.
Listen Neb, let me holla at cha for a sec,
NOW who the fuck are you? Don’t talk to me, or in that tune. And you’re the dumb fuck jigger cuts you asshole. All of your bitches going to hell.
Listen Neb, let me holla at cha for a sec,
NOW who the fuck are you? Don’t talk to me, or in that tune. And you’re the dumb fuck jigger cunts you asshole. All of your bitches going to hell.
Neb, we gonna have to talk for a minute.
Who the hell you calling a cunt jigger fuck whatever?
You should just stay downstairs in your little basement and keep touching yourself yeah I went there
Dear God,
If you were sick about being disappointed you would stand up and take control over your destiny. Everything you hate on this blog is something YOU made! YOU are responsible for slacking on Africa, and YOU had that awesome idea to give Adam the company of a woman, consequently unleashing the hell that is democracy supporting Hillary on this earth, thanks to YOU! And YOU made fat people (but hey, thanks for them, robbing Anya to let one win makes me look so legit).
Do you know that you had a possibility to win the competition of Best God Ever? Do you know that all of the universe is rooting for you? Do you know that? And you come here on Wordpress and treat this like a joke? You come in here and bitch about how much you hate this and that. You made this planet ten times better than half of those deities over there ever could! And you come in here with a defeatist attitude. Be quiet, God, be quiet! STOP IT! I have never in my life yelled at a God like this! When my mother yells at me likes this it’s because she loves me! I was rooting for you! We were all rooting for you! How dare you? Learn something from this! When you go to bed at night you lay there and you take responsibility for yourself, ’cause nobody’s gonna take responsibility for you! You rolling your eyes and you acting like you’ve heard it all before! You’ve heard it all before! You don’t know where the hell I come from. You have no idea what I’ve been through! But I’m not a victim, I grow from it and I learn! Take responsibility for yourself!
Kiss my fat ass,
Ty Ty Baby.
shut the hell up, fatty-pig-fatty.
Hello god.