Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
As surely as I am the Almighty LORD your God, the One who restored the boundaries of Israel from Lebo Hamath to the Sea of the Arabah, and the One who makes you get up early on Sunday, I command you now to read My Words with reverence and solicitude!
Today in My Hatred Therapy, I wish to rage on something I hate so much I never, ever - EVER - do it. And that is to speak in public to a large group of people.
Do not dare suggest that this is only because I am afraid to do so, mortal! I would dash out your eyes with a stapler…and rip out your tongue with a stapler were you to speak such horrid blasphemies. I am all-powerful and fear nothing!
However, I am also all-knowing, and as such this makes it almost impossible for Me to stand in front of a group of sinners and not smite them all into dust. You humans detest public speaking only because you imagine all the nasty things people are thinking about you. Well, I actually hear what people are thinking! For example, they think you’re unattractive and a poor speaker and your head is misshapen. I already know what people would think about Me:
“Oh goody! I’ve got so many questions to ask Him!”
“Why doesn’t He make some miracles already and prove He’s God?”
“Speak louder so the back can hear!”
And so on and so forth. I tell you human, speaking in front of a group of despicable, rat-filth humans is infuriating. This is one of the major reasons I chose to speak to the world again via blog. Why would I deign to speak to the throngs of humanity publicly? It would severely tarnish My Mysterious Almighty Image were I to ever do Letterman or Leno.
Moreover, you people have not earned the right to gaze upon my radiance! You must worship Me your whole life and then die first. Besides, if you were to ever gaze upon My Gloriously Handsome Visage (even for an instant), your face would melt. For an example of this, take a look at what I did to those Nazis when they raided My Ark in Raiders of the Lost Ark.
But even if I used My Infinite Power to make sure none of the humans melted when I spoke to them in public, what if somebody were to cough or sneeze while I was speaking? I would have no choice but to smite that person harshly, and people don’t like it when you kill people in front of other people. To them, it smacks of arrogance. I tend to agree - public killings are no good. That’s why I like to kill from afar, like the Air Force. People don’t care as much when you do it that way. Seems less personal.
Anyway, public speaking is strictly for suckers. This is why I only talk to one guy at a time, usually when he’s alone in the forest or out foraging for goats on a mountaintop. I mostly like to talk to friendless men who are like Me; that is, guys with long flowing beards who possess a fanatical attention to detail and a rifle of some kind. These courageous Christian soldiers need a fervent mind so they can remember everything I tell them, and a heart on fire to get My Message out to the masses. I never speak to women, if I can help it.
I, The Almighty Lord, have spoken.
Ralph on 
freebiesss on 
TheEvilOverlord on 
God on 
Craig on 
samanta on 
ShunRenHu on 
Stages are there for a reason, and that is for people who don’t bore people to sleep, and boring people to sleep is what public speakers do.
Remember that guy in Ukraine who dumped a bucketful of cow shit on his mayor’s head? Or that guy who flew a phallic RC copter towards Gary Kasparov? Or those Hungarian college students who threw eggs at Steve Ballmer? They, likewise myself, hate public speakers almost as much as you do.
God, Speaking of Leno and Letterman, who, in your opinion, is better?
Quote: This is one of the major reasons I chose to speak to the world again via blog.
and in tongues and the parables ?
Just because you can’t see God does not mean he isn’t there! Hello it’s called FAITH.
Bridgette, you managed to pull yourself away from the all-you-can-eat buffet at China Wall!
Did you wipe the grease off your plump fingers before using the computer?
Apologies if this question has been asked before oh all knowing one, but why haven’t you smited the holy c**p out of Bridgette yet?
God,
My question is why do you speak in tongues? It’s obvious that you know English, and I think French too, right?
God’ Humble Servant,
Josh
thanks for enlightening us, bridgette. it’s called FAITH…HELLO…LIKE WHATEVER!!
Dean - Leno. Letterman is a Me-less hack.
Nate - Bridgette is My favorite commenter. She is the only person here who believes in Me.
My Humble Servant Josh - I speak every language, including tongues. I speak tongues because it’s more fun - you make it up as you go along.
God,
Completely off the subject of Your rant but since You posted the picture of Raiders… what do You think of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull? Were You as disappointed as I, Dear Lord? Also, does George Lucas really believe he is You or is it just a front?
Nun - Indiana Jones is the worst piece of monkey-poop I have seen in quite a while. George Lucas is a moron.
killing from afar-like the air force. who knew mocking the armed forces could be so funny?
Worse than Sex and the City, God?
And where did George hide Marcia’s body? I figure You’d be privy to that kind of information.
Okay! I’m taking bets! Who wants to put money down on any of the following reasons why God REALLY doesn’t do speaking engagements:
1. God has a lisp
2. God stutters
3. God has a hare lip
4. God has a comb over
5. God has a beer gut
6. God has a girly voice
The pool is open!!
I’ll get in on that pool. I’ll take God smites inmate1972 in a horrible way. What are my odds?
God’s Humble Servant,
Josh
hmmm….I’m gonna have to go with a severe stutter.
BTW God, best post yet. Funny and satirical.
I’m afraid I’ve got to go with Josh. Sorry, inmate1972.
I’m brave I’ve got to go with Josh and I’m NOT sorry, inmate1972.
At least you know God will probably smite you from a distance, so at least you won’t see it coming. that makes it a little easier.
Don’t we all hate public speaking..I went on the radio once..it was garb
DAMN YOU INMATE 1972!!! YOU WILL PAY FOR YOUR INSOLENCE!!! NOW I GIVE YOU A SEVERE STUTTER!! ENJOY BITCH!
WooHoo. Josh, Bloodvork and Nun are smarter than all y’all!!
FACE!!!!!!!!
Nun - Indiana Jones was equal with Sex and the City in putridness. And Marcia isn’t dead. She’s just in hiding.
Thanks, God. I hope You have her in a protection program of some sort.
Once again God has shown us the way.
Indian Jones was a horrible piece of shit. Both Jesus and aliens should not be in the same ethos. When I see Lucas I will grab him by his long lady chin. That beard isn’t fooling anyone Lucas, we can see your turkey neck!
God’s Humbler Servant,
Josh
Lucas was just trying to steal somebody else’s thunder. Aliens my ass. Stick to your religious topics, Georgie.
For in it the righteousness of God is revealed from faith for faith, as it is written, “The righteous shall live by faith.” Romans 1:17
So is this why you smote George Carlin? I realize the 30+ years of blasphemy probably had something to do with it, but because he was a great public speaker? Jealous much?
“the self righteous shall live by blind faith”
UH-OH, there goes judas again…
Sorry I’m late… I vote for comb-over
George Carlin in heaven with God and Jesus doing lines of coke off Mary Magdalene’s chest and the Holy Spirit is getting it all on video.
on behalf of unpleasant jew:
shut up, cooper.
aaah. Bridgette’s back to her old self. All is right with the world.
Unpleasant Jew: Sorry I took your spot in line. Isn’t this where you usually tell Cooper to “shut up?”
Looks like uppity is taking his place today. Though, I still think uppity is a funny guys, can’t hate a guy that’s made this blog entertaining.
shut up, cooper.
that’s more like it.
hahahahahha
wow ben, you really add nothing to this blog, huh?
huh ben?
Face, Ben! FACE!
looks like ben got faced
whatever jew. this blog would suck without my many contributions…
pfft. yeah. you contribute so much. what, you think you’re god?
shut up jew.
oooh. a ben-jew fight.
we’re having a “lover’s spat”
If you weren’t both so selfish in the sack you wouldn’t have this problem.
lover my ass. jew you’re a stupid a-hole. i have no idea why everyone likes him so much. he’s not funny.
ooh ooh, let me use one of his clever jokes on him:
unpleasant jew,
more like
DUMBpleasant Jew!
well that’s just hurtful
the supreme court just outlawed the death penalty for child rapers: http://www.csmonitor.com/2008/0626/p01s10-usju.html
good news for you, right jew?
If you’re both males then lovering your ass is exactly what he’s doing. Hahaha
he may be unpleasant, but there’s no reason to call him dumb.
what are you, anti-semitic?
yes. everyone knows jews are dumb.
….you don’t bring me flowers…..anymore……
Ben, it’s not jew. It’s Unpleasant Jew. He’s not stupid. He’s unpleasant.
i made ben a beautiful decoupage, and he just smashed it against the wall.
oh oh! play the victim! what a jerk. you really get under my skin TUJ.
nice url TUJ. what in the hell is that?!
ask jay. he invent edit.
shut up jew
shut up Ben.
Yeah, shut up Ben!
Who said that?
dear bridgette,
please fill in the blanks for me to help enlighten me.
________ was born on December 25th of the virgin ________. His birth was accompanied by a star in the east, which in turn, three kings followed to locate and adorn the new-born savior. At the age of 12, he was a prodigal child teacher, and at the age of 30 he was baptized by a figure known as _________ and thus began his ministry. ________ had 12 disciples he traveled about with, performing miracles such as healing the sick and walking on water. _______ was known by many gestural names such as The Truth, The Light, God’s Annointed Son, The Good Shepherd, The Lamb of God, and many others. After being betrayed by ________, _________ was crucified, buried for 3 days, and thus, resurrected.
Hey Beelzebubba,
Everyone knows Jesus was not born on Dec 25th, if you read any books including the bible you’d know that. Ask a priest or something.
Speaking of, God whats Your view on the priest who molest children? Clearly you love them in some way as execution of child rapist is now illegal (as pointed out by Ben and the Associated Press)
God’s Humble Servant,
Josh
Oh God, forgive me for I have publicly spoken! I shall never again indulge in such disgusting sin. Forgive me.
…By the way, I’m guessing Jesus loves public speaking. He did it all the time in the bible. Why can’t he be more like you…? The bible would be more kickass.
thank you for that clarification josh, what would we do without you… or better yet what would josh do?… (WWJD? UCWUTIDIDTHAR) except that isn’t the story of jesus… Here is the paragraph without the blanks…
Broadly speaking, the story of Horus is as follows: Horus was born on December 25th of the virgin Isis-Meri. His birth was accompanied by a star in the east, which in turn, three kings followed to locate and adorn the new-born savior At the age of 12, he was a prodigal child teacher, and at the age of 30 he was baptized by a figure known as Anup and thus began his ministry. Horus had 12 disciples he traveled about with, performing miracles such as healing the sick and walking on water. Horus was known by many gestural names such as The Truth, The Light, God’s Annointed Son, The Good Shepherd, The Lamb of God, and many others. After being betrayed by Typhon, Horus was crucified, buried for 3 days, and thus, resurrected.
Has a nice familiar motif don’t you think… (Sorry God Smite me now).
and it was taken from here:
http://zeitgeistmovie.com/transcript.htm
oh and as for books I just ordered this… seems like a good read:
The Historical Jesus and the Mythical Christ, by Gerald Massey
DAMN YOU BEELZEBUBBA!! YOU WILL REGRET YOUR SPREADING OF LIES AND DISTORTION!!!
The rest of you:
Don’t believe anything that movie says. Believe in Me, and My Son, and The Holy Spirit, or you shall surely burn in hell!
God,
I apologize for being a blasphemer.
After reading your comment I experienced your wrath when you not only caused me to spray soda on to my new monitor, but also caused a BSOD.
I am now a true believer and am asking for forgiviness.
but out of curiosity… is it true that hell is kinda like a sauna only with demons ravaging my rectum?
That blasphemous atheist movie cannot be trusted to be factual. those kinds of people will say and do anything to attack the Christian faith because they do not have morals. We must never forget that Hitler and Stalin were both proud atheists.
O SHIT!
I got a Bridgette response!!!!
EPIC WIN.
ps. god spoke to me via the magic of the internets. it wasn’t as cool as a burning bush (although I bet bridgette has that one covered on more then one front) but it felt great regardless.
what did he say?
“I HATE YOU”
btw bridgette… you are right! books can’t be trusted… just remember that next time you read something from that King James dude…
oh and one more thing…
Hitler was raised by Roman Catholic parents, but after he left home, he never attended Mass or received the sacraments,[88] Hitler often praised Christian heritage, German Christian culture, and professed a belief in Jesus Christ.[89]
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hitler#Religious_beliefs
As I already said, atheists have no morals. Hitler lied about his true feelings to convince people to follow him.
On the 10th October, 1941, Hitler said:
“Christianity is a rebellion against natural law, a protest against nature. Taken to its logical extreme, Christianity would mean the systematic cultivation of the human failure.”
Do you even know what morals are? or did somebody tell you what to believe? As according to the definition morals are motivation based on ideas of right and wrong…
If not believing in established/organized religion specifically in the crock that is christianity means I am an atheist and hence lack morals well then heard that!!! I guess I am a heathen destined for LOLHell.
I do right by my family, I love my child and provide him with a loving environment and a good life, I donate to charities and causes that I feel actually accomplish something, I volunteer, I help others as I can even old ladies and people like you that would judge me for no reason, I do not hold/pass judgement or hatred towards/upon others especially based on small, insignificant things like skin color, religion, gender, etc.
I enjoy making people smile and I try to lead a good life by choice. Not out of fear of smiting or burning in eternal damnation.
So please tell me what exactly makes me, AS A PROFESSED ATHEIST, worse than you? or lacking of morals? Or better yet what makes anyone who doesn’t believe in christianity (you know all 4 billion of us on this planet) less of a moral compass than you.
Didn’t your God say something about not passing judgement? about pride? vanity? all of these traits you obviously posess as you pass judgement against others on this blog regularly… something that is supposed to be reserved for your God and your God alone.
It is quite apparent to me that you are incapable of making a cohesive thought on your own… everything you say has been regurgitated 1000 times by thousands of others much more convincing then you.
oh and hitler was a douchebag.
Bitchette said:
So Bridgette, you admit that the Nazis were Christians? Nazi Germany, all the German people who willingly massacred millions, they were Christians. You just said that.
FACE!
“Christianity is a rebellion against natural law, a protest against nature. Taken to its logical extreme, Christianity would mean the systematic cultivation of the human failure.”
The guy may have been an ass but Hitler had a point.
God,
What are Your thoughts on the Da Vinci Code? You’d be a GrandPa. That would be pretty cool, right?
“The word “Christianity” is already a misunderstanding - in reality there has been only one Christian, and he died on the Cross.”
Friedrich Nietzsche
Well done, Brie.
She quotes The Bible AND Hitler with equal passion.
Well done Beezebubba!
oh and Serpico, Jesus didn’t die on a cross. The Christian church adopted the cross from the “pagans” as part of the envelopment of ideas to create a membership drive (much like Bridgett says Hitler did). The church took many pagan ideas like the winter solstice celebration and converted them into Christmas, the cross was originally a form of the ankh symbolizing fertility, Easter was the fertility celebration (ever wonder WTF bunnies and ducks have to do with Jesus?) The cross is the worst though, I mean think about it if your kid was killed will a gun would you have your followers wear a small version of that gun around on their necks, which is idolatry (right Bridgy?) Exodus 20:4 ” You shall not make for yourself a carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth…” Deuteronomy 4:16 “lest you act corruptly and make for yourselves a carved image in the form of any figure” Funny thing is the Catholic church admits all this stuff, it’s in their own books. Ask a priest, they learn about it all in seminary school.
X3 was the worst movie ever.
God’s Humble Servant,
Josh
Hey Bridgette, you pulled youself away from the nosebag long enough to make several posts yesterday, good girl!
Now wipe the grease off your podgy fingers and consider this: German soldiers in WW2 had belt buckles engraved with “Got Mitt Uns” (God with Us).
Some Xian apologists have denied this, but it’s true - there were Xians doing the dirty work on the Bad Guy’s Side.
We await your incoherent reply.
Here’s a link for you to not-follow, and mis-understand even if you did:
http://iidb.infidels.org/vbb/showthread.php?t=161663
why do i always miss the good stuff? i can’t believe bridgette went with the hitler, stalin thing. holy crap! i’m astonished. isn’t there a rule that any argument is automatically lost when you resort to bringing up hitler? stupid bridgette. now, she’s gonna say any who believes in evolution believes the nazis were right to exterminate the mentally challenged. you’re an idiot.
Uppity Cracker mentioned that any argument is automatically lost when you resort to bringing up hitler, this is called Godwin’s Law.
I think it came about from observations on anti-evolution forums.
Dang - I shoulda thought about Bridgette bringing up Darwin, evolution, and Hitler!
that’s it, godwin’s law…by virtue of godwin’s law—-bridgette is automatically discredited. but, we knew that already. we don’t have all those pesky “morals” to get in the way of our reason.
we are such bad people. horrible, horrible people really…capable of genocidal blood lust. who wants to murder with me?!!
The thing that Bridgey and the gang can not grasp about Darwin and Evolution, is that Science doesn’t attempt to debunk the existence of God, merely to explain what is unexplainable.
Science is Truth, Science seeks to prove truths not to spend time claiming God doesn’t exist… Nowhere in the theory does it say GOD DOES NOT EXIST. Science is incapable of such a thing as Science is based in tangible evidence and fact.
Evolution neither disproves or proves God’s existence, that was never the intention. The Theory of Evolution simply explains the way things came into existence through the use of empirical evidence such as the fossil record and the obvious evolution of species through out the span of this world’s existence.
Bloodvarks evolved from nothing but that’s because we were genetically engineered.
beelzebubba is coming perilously close to blogging on God’s blog. God hates that. don’t even want to think of what happened to poor dick franing.
Dear God,
Does this mean that you approve of Cheney’s not talking to the media policy? Does this mean you like Cheney?
Ever faithful,
Hj
I hope God smites him in front of us. I know God thinks that disturbs us humans but I’ve always got time for a good smiting.
ironically, those among us with no “morals”, i.e. no religion (obviously the same thing, duh), really enjoy a good public smiting…yet we don’t believe in the static version of the hebrew god whose very smiting we enjoy (due to our lack of morals). just because we can’t SEE him doesn’t mean he’s not REAL. we’re so dumb. beyond that, God’s true followers are far too moral to enjoy the smiting performed by the very god they believe so staunchly in…weird.
after the BSOD smiting i am ready! I got my aluminum hat on and am prepared for smitation.
Sorry for getting fired up. Sheep make me excited.
I want my own blog… Wordpress worth it? Can you have your own url (as in not a subdomain at wordpress)? please God direct me.
Beelzebubba,
The aluminum hat does not protect you from smiting. It only protects you from aliens and their thought control.
Sorry, bud.
Bridgette - I agree with you - atheists have no morals because they do not believe in Me. As to Hitler, he was indeed a public Christian but private atheist his whole life. That bastard killed millions of My Jews. So I created an entirely new special, ultra-torturous kind of hell for jerks like him.
Hjorrdis - No, I don’t like Cheney. But I do like amusing Myself with him. (gay daughter - shot friend in the face - those gags were My Doing.)
Beelzebubba - Don’t blog. The last thing the world needs is another stupid atheist blogger out to prove Me non-existent. I will spare you for posting here, but if you start your own blog I swear I will smite you so fricking hard!
shut up, cooper.
huh? where’s cooper?
God,
I like you. And I like your blog. But Bridgette? Come on. You smited Dick Franing for spewing a religious blog on your blog. Why does she get a break? ‘Cause she’s, er, chubby? I realize it’s not “ask God” day and all, but this is troubling.
White Parent,
How dare you speak to Me in such a tone! Bridgette is no Dick Franing. At no time has she posted 7,000 words in a comment. All she has ever done is faithfully defend My Sacred Honor by pointing out that sciencey logic-loving anal-pounding atheists are wicked! How could I EVER be against that? I created them and they don’t even believe in ME!
“For he so that do not believeth in Me, shall burn in hell.” God 1:1
i believeth! i believeth!
Good. Thank you anonymous.
I swear to Me, the next person that questions My Authority is getting bitch-slapped to Haiti.
God,
Are You sure You exist?
I’m sorry… I’ve just always really wanted to visit Haiti.
Nun,
I expected such betrayal from others, but from you!!!
Enjoy your time in Haiti. You will not be visiting. You will be there for the rest of time. Enjoy the food riots.
SMITE!
Sorry, I’m a rebel.
ooooooooooooooooooo!
can I be smited to Fiji? and can the smiting involve bare chested women. I know you hate them (women that is) so I promise I will routinely beat them.
please god please I need a break from the real world.
What?! How did you just post that comment Nun?! There are no computers in Haiti. Only starving jerks.
BTW, are you sure YOU exist? You can’t say yes with any certainty. But I can.
I do not exist. I am merely the figment of somebody’s poor and delusional imagination.
P.S. I ate all those starving jerks. That’s what I was supposed to do, right?
Beezewhatever - No. You are stuck in your putrid life until you die. So SPEAKETH THE LORD!
Awww! Come on dad! Let’s give beelzebooboo a break and send him to Fiji just this once. He asked nicely!
And I agree dad, you should smite Bridgette. She disgraces us!
God,
Okay… Haiti sucks. All the people smell bad and there’s no food. I’m starving, God!!
Plus I managed to piss off some high priestess and she keeps talking about making me sleep the zombie sleep. She scares me a little, God.
Can I come home? Please.
the zombie sleep ain’t all that bad, nun. it’s like peyote.
Actually since discovering you don’t control me, life has been pretty good. I do what I want, accept responsibility for my own choices, mistakes, problems, I accept that things happen and some things are completely out of my control.
But mostly I don’t have to deal with the whole eternal damnation, lake of fire, FEAR FEAR FEAR TERRORIST FEAR FEAR FEAR bullshit followed quickly by a BUT GOD LOVES YOU NOW GIVE ME MONEY scam.
i just wanted a vacation and work said no.
that wasn’t work who said no, fool. it was God. blasphemer!!!!!!! stone him!!!!!!!!!
is it 420?
Peyote, eh? I like peyote.
On a more positive note, left to fend for myself I’ve discovered that Haitians are quite tasty when grilled on a campfire.
My life has become much different since God banished me to the butthole of the world but I’ve learned to adapt. I’ve learned that the natives aren’t very friendly but machetes are plentiful. I’ve learned that voodoo works and scares the holy hell out of me. I’ve learned that I can run much faster than I ever thought possible with the right motivation. And, as mentioned previously, I’ve learned the best way to cook a Haitian.
Yes, I’ve learned much and I owe it all to God. Thanks, God!
Can I come home now?
Every minute of every day is an excellent time for 420.
hey guys,
where are all you from? beelzy, uppity, nun and everyone, sound off. I want to see what kind of persecution we’re dealing with here.
I live in Pella, Iowa, a small town where everyone in town goes to the same stupid evangelical warehouse church.
I’ve been banished to Haiti, Ben.
Next time I want to rebel and make a funny at the same time, I’ll taunt Lucifer and not God.
I live in the butthole of america… aka West Virginia.
You would think that with the word “Virgin” in there it would be great… but it seems to be more God continuing to mock me. God you are a Douche.
Uppity,
I’m still here. Looks like I missed all the action.
Jesus,
I’m surprised you’re standing up to your dad. I might be wrong about you after all.
shut up, cooper
I hate being everyone else.
God’s Humble Servant,
Josh
well, if anyone must know…i am in the 19th most livable city (by some prestigious ranking system) in the world-minneapolis. it’s a good place- except that winter is long and cold and God hates our sports teams.
shut up, cooper.
i miss bridgette. hitler didn’t like christianity therefore christianity is true. hitler didn’t like jews therefore judaism is true. it’s easy, relevant, and fun.
Beelzebubba, I heard about a New Yorker who visited West Virginia. He hated it and told his taxi driver, “This state is the nation’s anus!”
The driver replied, “Yeah, and you’re just passing through.”
BTW, you better increase my flood insurance. I heard God’s giving the world an enema in 2012, and the nozzle’s plugging into either West Va. or Calcutta.
Err, increase your flood insurance. I don’t near West Va.
Dear Heavenly Lord, what are Your opinions of public speaking, as in, speaking on a speech team in high school or college? For I was on one, and want to know Your wisdom on this subject.
I live on a mountain. Only hicks in trailers looking to get a new one every 3 years live on the creeks that flood. So if God brings it in 2012 and I have to worry about flooding, I suggest you grab 2 of every animal and meet me at my house for a Carnival Cruise of Epic Proportions.
Beelzebubba, sounds like a plan! Errr…since you are from W. Va, how many extra sheep do you want me to bring?
Not that there’s anything wrong with that…
…if that’s what you’re into.
personally i prefer my sheep in human form…
now if you bring a few extra donkeys… that sir would be a party!
I reside in smoky-ass Fresno, CA
you know, for a guy who never did anything to deserve all these amusing but undeserved shut ups, Cooper is a good sport.
You’re cool Cooper. Stay loud.
I wish I lived somewhere besides fucking Haiti!
Josh, did you pose as The Unpleasant Jew again? You know how God hates posers…
And God, for my prior disobedience, please don’t banish me for all eternity to Amsterdam. Really. I’d hate it.
Sitting at your computer and weeping at the insensitivity of blogging jerks is being a good sport?
shut up, ben.
Has Cooper weeped at our insensitivity? If he did, then he can just shutup. I don’t remember that though. I’d need to see visual evidence.
Couldn’t you hear his sobs?? He sounded like a braying jackass.
So tell me Lord of Lords, King of Kings, how does doth feel about work productivity?
this blog has completely shit on mine for the day.
Beelzebubba, I’ll find some donkeys, but did God say something about coveting thy neighbor’s ass?
Just wondering.
And my productivity is in the toilet, too.
Ha! At least you guys didn’t get banished to the butthole of the world, AKA Haiti. I’ll be fired for sure.
you could finally be a real nun down there.
Nah… I’m not that picky.
Wow, Ben way to jump on the bandwagon. If I recall didn’t you get owned earlier on this post and you had to refer to anti-semitic comments. Did it make you feel like a bigger man?
Personally, I find Unpleasant Jew and Uppity entertaining. And I can take a joke. I think it’s funny when they post “shut up cooper”. If you take life too seriously than you’re probably an uptight arse. Anywho, I’ve got to get back to work.
Nun, any indication when you’ll be coming back? Ya know, did God give you some sort of sign? I’d be a little worried if I were you. It must take a lot of Haitians to make a good meal.
haitians aren’t bad eatin’
Cooper - good, glad to know you like the abuse you child-fucking motherfucker. And I did not get owned you stupid douche. I owned. And how could i POSSIBLY be anti-semitic when I have a jewish-sounding name? You dumb fuck.
shut up pooper.
God mentioned that I’m stuck here forever but I’m desperately hoping he was kidding. Heehee… God made a funny……………. I hope. :S
As for the Haitians, I’ve discovered the most delicious way to cook them so I’m faring quite nicely, considering Haiti really is the butthole of the world. I should have really thought about that before I disrespected God’s authority.
I have discovered that Haiti does have tourists. No, really. And like tourists the world over, they’re all fatties!! I’m eatin’ good tonight!!
ben and cooper need to hook up
I think they already have.
2 fully grown haitians - cubed
1 cup high-quality full-fat plain yogurt
3 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil
3 tablespoons onion juice (from 1 grated medium-size onion)
Salt and freshly ground pepper, to taste
8 (10-inch) metal or wooden skewers
4 pita bread
Skewer the haitian cubes on the skewers. Stir together the yogurt, olive oil and onion juice in a glass or ceramic pan or bowl and season with salt and pepper. Add the haitian skewers, coat with the marinade and refrigerate, covered, for 4 hours. Prepare a charcoal fire and let it die down a bit or preheat a gas grill for 15 minutes on low. Set the skewers on a skewer holder over the fire and grill until golden brown and succulent, turning often, about 20 minutes. Or, lacking a skewer holder, place them on the grill and grill to perfection. Serve with or on a piece grill-warmed pita bread and cacik on the side.
He was fine with being told to shut up but got all high-and-mighty when someone asked why he was being abused.
Cooper is obviously a catcher.
I meant to do a smiley and I fucked it all up and it fucked up my whole post!!
Now my post is a big steaming pile of crap. Mother fucker!!!!! 
Heehee… God made a funny…….. I hope.
See? See how clever that would have been if it had worked. Fucking smileys!
YES!! Beelze knows how to cook the Haitians so they’re yummy and tasty. I like to add pineapple to mine.
I knew what you were going for Nun. But let that be a lesson. Smileys are the devils work.
Sorry. The devil made do that.
No, Bloodvork. He is merely submissive. I can’t wait to chain him up and whip out my strap-on.
Thanks, White Parent. You’re a saint amongst…. amongst…. well, a bunch of people who aren’t saints.
DAAAAAAMMMNNN! You nasty Nun.
Sorry, I meant to keep that to myself.
Did the Haitians put some voodoo on you Nun? Maybe you accidently ate their leader? What if now you can’t keep ANYTHING to yourself?
i think i speak for all crackers when i say, “not in my country!”
Uh oh.. that would be a problem of epic proportions.
Ben this is your quote, “everyone knows jews are dumb.” If that’s not an anti-semitic comment than what kind of generalization is this? And just because you have a name with a Hebrew origin doesn’t mean you can’t be an antisemite. You dumb ignorant twat, you can cry now.
shut UP, cooper!
JEEZ!
How come nobody says ‘FACE’ anymore? ‘FACE’ is the best comeback EVER!!
oohhhh!! thanks Jew.
FACE!
Call me a dumb old old old old white parent, but what does “FACE” mean, exactly?
it’s like, ‘in your face, bitch.’
I have no earthly clue but it’s fun to say and makes me feel important and relevant.
face means face, duh.
Smileys are gay. People need to learn that you can emphasize meaning through your words and what is written without some emoticon. I could tell Nun was angry even without the angry face. Maybe I’m just bitter because they never work for me, or maybe I don’t like a calling card from a bad Denzel Washington movie. Only God will know.
I don’t understand your post, D Hue. I think it’s because you didn’t use any smiley faces.
i emoticon you so much!!
Stuff White Parents Like,
I could never pose as the Unpleasant Jew, he likes X3.
God’s Humble Servant,
Josh
Don’t talk to women if you can help it? What about Joan of Arc? Well, at least she SAID you were talking to her.
That’s a story that’s begging for your side of the story to be told.
Joan of Arc was a slutty shepherd girl with Down syndrome, a kind of medieval Lindsay Lohan. All the french soldiers wanted to tap that..
God really knows how to choose his prophets, and how to exploit the masses.