Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
In this entry, I, The Almighty Lord your God, Awesome and Perfect Creator of the Universe, Master of All That Is and All That Ever Will Be, wish to talk about My Supreme disdain for the fat people of My world.
Foolish mortal! Do not lie to Me or to yourself. You seem to forget that I have read every thought you have ever had, including those you are having right now as you read this. Some of you are fat apologists who claim that you don’t hate fat people, and that you are not shallow, and that it’s what’s on the inside that counts. And while this is true – if you are a glutton on the inside you are a fatty pig fatty on the outside – you are still blatantly breaking the 9th commandment if you deny your disgust for fat people. Everyone hates the fat.
I hate them. You hate them. They hate themselves.
And well we should! I assure you mortal; you need not be ashamed of your loathing for the chunky manatees you see all around you. The overweight deserve every last ounce of contempt and ridicule you can muster.
Much like you, I hate fat people because they are fat. If they were thin, or average, or even only just a little chubby, I probably wouldn’t hate them. Well, not as much anyway.
I have to listen to those gluttons cry and whine and wail while they stuff their fat faces with cupcakes and other assorted pastries. And then they have the audacity to pray to Me to help them lose weight~! You can’t pray it off chubbasaurus. You have to work hard if you want to lose weight and earn My Divine Respect.
Very few fat people ever become real people because fat people are inherently lazy. Weak, jealous, mean and envious to the core; acting jolly is just their way of getting you to drop your guard so they can take your food. Humorous distraction is an oft used method the fat use to steal your French fries.
Fat people steal food, but they kill people too. First and foremost, they hog the food that could be going to feed all the starving people of the world not living in Africa. They also murder good-looking thinners in countless other ways. I see it every day. For example, I have lost many a faithful servant in elevator-crashes caused by the elephant-people.
But far worse than the theft and the murder, is when fat people are also somehow extremely vain. This is especially common amongst fat females. And the only thing worse than a woman, is a fat woman who thinks she’s sexy. Quite frankly, it infuriates and confuses Me. It boggles My Eternal Mind to contemplate how these hideous land-masses could possibly consider themselves fattractive. They are not, of course; they are merely fat-pigs living in fat-pig denial.
By their greed and their laziness, fat people have earned their derision and banishment from society and from Heaven. Just as a rich man will find it easier to pass through the eye of a needle than get into Heaven, a fat man will find it easier to fit into an airplane seat than get into Heaven.
If you are reading this and you are a great big fat-ass and are worried about your looming future in hell, all I can tell you is: try putting down the fork for once and give jogging a try. FACE!
Gene on 
ronpaulcandidate on 
jetaDeelp on 
Nun Ur Damned Bizness on 
The Ender on 
Nonsense. Hell has extra-wide seats and an awesome 24/7 all-you-can-eat buffet. Pay no attention to the crazy old man, fatties.
“Chubbasaurus” & “Fattractive” LOL,
Fat people are to blame for global warming according the British scientists.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/1973230/Fat-people-blamed-for-global-warming.html
God,
I guess Your laws of dieting on Fridays and before Easter didn’t work. You may try a new law sending people to the gymn every Sunday instead of sending them to sit lazily in churches.
Sorry I am not saying anything witty Lord but this post….back to your scathing best…loving it (oh and not in a McDonalds way so don’t smite me please).
Karin…you cannot be lazy in Catholic churches, all that standing, sitting, kneeling etc. is a great workout. The protestants are responsible for obesity!
Hey God!
look at previous post (#29)
what’s about it?
Natty, I didn’t realize I was talking to a catholic god here. There are so many gods around that I tend to lose track on them. There is probably a god for obesity somewhere to be blamed.:)
Dear Lord
Does this mean that liposuction is actually some form of repentance?
Amen
Tom K.
“Hate the fat, love the fatty.” - Ghandi
Poor Artie! It’s not the hookers and blow that keeps him out of heaven. It’s his fat ass.
God does this mean you are a Howard Stern Fan?
“you can’t pray it off, chubbasaurus”
priceless
“acting jolly is just their way of distracting you so they can take your food”
damn funny
nice one, God.
(but, where does this leave bridgette?)
Beauty is in the eye of the Beholder!!
Chris
God,
Thank You for saying this. Fat people drive up my insurance, make the planes I fly on burn more gas (thus leading to global warming), hog the armrest in the movie theater, use lots of fabric in their clothes that could be put to other use, and in general loose things in their folds.
Plus I hate Monique and her hairy ass legs, and she was the person they got to host VH1’s Charm School? A fatty pig with hair legs trying to teach others to be charming? You damned!
God’s Humble Servant,
Josh
Damn it God! I thought We were boys! Don’t make me send my ninjas after you!!!
One of my friends is a doctor, and he once had this super fat woman come in complaining about pain in her side. They looked in her fat rolls and found a twinkie that had rotted almost beyond identification. Nuff said.
i too work in a health care facility in some capacity or another and we have a constant stream of fatties who come in wanting their thyroids checked…just looking for an excuse.
God wrote:
“…a rich man will find it harder to pass through the eye of a needle than get into Heaven…”
The parable goes:
“Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God. (Matthew 19:24)”
you should know the words that you yourself told people to write down in the bible, you jackass diety.
im glad i gave you/your son up to the romans.
Lutherans get a pretty good workout at services also. The problem is we eat better then the other religions. All those pot roasts and cream of mushroom soup on meatballs.
But God are fat male comics ok? John Candy, Belushi, Farley them guys.
judas, the humans obviously wrote the parable down wrong. always compensating for your guilt complex by trying to find fault in others. dude, consider yourself smitten, smited, smote.
Hey Chris! I like your website. It’s always nice to get an outside perspective on things. Enjoy yourself!
Who knew God’s comeuppance finished with “FACE!”?
Almighty God:
First, I have recently become fat but not from sheer laziness. From one of your most wonderful of creations - Beer? Do you hate me greatly or slightly less?
Second, in the floods in New Orleans people that aspouse your word like Pastor Hagee blamed this flood on your punishmet for their hedonism. In Iowa people are blaming the flooding on Mother Nature. Do you hate Mother Nature?
i like your website too, chris. it’s not trying really hard to be funny, that’s good. i especially like your post about baseball…there’s no better place in the world to drink crappy beer than a ballpark.
God, your hit total keeps climbing. at this rate the whole world will be enlightened in less than 10,000 years. but, you knew that already because you know everything.
Fattractive is word of the day.
And MsLuscious is cunt of the month.
As a fat person I must say. God hates me. I am a red headed fat person, I am surprised i haven’t been struck down with lightning yet.
Ya know, for all this purporting of “loving yourself for the way God made you”, you sure are one particularly bastard…
well, that dumbass blog of yours might just put you over the top, mclephi.
i should start a blog:
stopbloggingonmyfuckingblog.com
Wait just a minute, God! You have a super soft spot for Bridgette and we all know she’s fat. What gives?
mcelphi,
What a stupid fucking website. You will be smote for inbreeding!
“Chubbasaurus”
LOL!! I laughed so hard I peed a little.
God,
I too hate the fatties. I like to shoot them and then yell “beached whale” when they fall. I do it all for you, God.
Thank you Nun. You are one of the good ones.
White Parent, Bridgette is not fat. She is just a little chubby. I forgive her for this because of her extraordinary devotion and worship of Me.
Many, many thanks, God. And many, many apologies for not capitalizing appropriately. It was an oversight, God. Not an intentional dissing of Your wonderous wonder.
Nun,
Do not fret My Child, I know your heart.
Judas,
DAMN YOU! Must I remember every last detail? I like it better My Way. You didn’t even thank Me for giving you Friday post.
haven’t heard from Bridgette yet, she must be out getting chubbier. i can do it for her this once:
don’t blaspheme here or we will kill you by pummeling you with rocks, assholes!!
judas has always sucked at everything
Uppity,
I like the way you rephrased Bridgette’s post, maybe if she posted like that I think I would respect in the morning.
thank you, brother cooper. i can only hope that it pleases The Lord. amen.
uppity,
Your paraphrase does please Me. I think I will personally rewrite My Bible someday using language you modern oafs can understand.
Juhan,
What? What about it? Jesus has been punished and will continue to be punished severely for his insolence. In addition to beating him, I sentenced him to a month in the hole.
I don’t mean to be a nudge or anything, God, but elevators have been designed to never crash. There hasn’t been an elevator crash since the empire state building in the early 20’s, and the chick inside (who survived) was kinda hot, not a fatty.
Bloom,
No, YOU are wrong! Elevators all around the world crash EVERY DAY. Especially in America. There is a media cover-up to keep the public from panic. Open up your eyes you fool!
It’s the liberal bias media.
God, is chubby chasing or hogging a sin?
i’ve decided to break my ban
I’ve decided to break your face.
i’d rather have a broken face than a funny face
FACE!
cooper likes cock in his mouth
cooper’s new name is Suckington Von Cockington III, Esq.
good ol’ unpleasant jew. what a wonderful jerk.
heehee
He may be a jerk but Suckington Von Cockington III, Esq. is kind of funny.
those jews are a humorous lot
here’s a limerick:
go fuck yourself.
That’s not a limerick!
you know what’s a limerick?
your face!
ben and cooper are both named sploogington von facington III
oh, not Esq.? We’re not lawyers?
the only laws you yer are the laws of bukake
what does yer mean? or bukake for that matter? you are fat.
Maybe Unpleasant Jew’s name is Fatty Von Fattington and that’s his inspiration for these clever names that he’s coming up with.
you have sex with fat chicks. like needs a cane to walk fat. like handicap sticker fat. you curl up in their rolls and lick the dirt that’s hidden in there that they cant get to when they wash.
then you squeeze out of there and give cooper’s cock a lick. then cooper sucks your ass. then you both fuck the fat chick as she drips nasty fat sweat all over you.
then you do it again tomorrow cuz you loved it so much.
You don’t capitalize.
FACE!
and you don’t exist.
and your tongue’s a straw.
MY TONGUE IS NOT A STRAW, YOU FUCKER!
slurp it up, strawtongue. slurp it up.
cooper
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v41/Nikovich/varkTongue.jpg
Do you see a hole there?
I DON’T THINK SO!
yes i do.
Holey McTonguerson.
Jew-boy, I’m a chick so it is not I fucking the fat chicks. But when you do, roll her in flour and look for that wet spot.
Unpleasant Jew,
Feltching has truly made you unhappy, maybe you should pick up a new hobby.
i’m banning this blog again.
awww now the jew is pouting. cute.
haha…great icon and name Alter Boy. Please, keep posting.
No one can pass up a fatty tho… just to clarify…
Thanks Ben. Now shall we get back to issue at hand? Fat poeple…
they stink and take up a lot of room while I am attending Mass. I too hate them. Thank you Almighty Lord for your blog.
The amount of alcohol consumed is in direct proportion to the amount of over-weight.
Studies at the Veetology Institute has a proved ratio of 1 beer for every 5lbs over weight.
Hey Nun,
Watch out if the Horrible Hebe asks you to go ‘drinking’!
“Even one of their own prophets has said, “Cretans are always liars, evil brutes, lazy gluttons.” Titus 1:12
They are talking about sinners like the writer of this blog. He is a liar and is evil. I’d wager he’s also an obese alcoholic to boot.
Bridgette,
You’re a very angry woman, you unwind have a drink or two.
“But Jeshurun waxed fat, and kicked: thou art waxen fat, thou art grown thick, thou art covered with fatness; then he forsook God which made him, and lightly esteemed the Rock of his salvation.” Deuteronomy 32:15
Dad,
I have to disagree with you on this. Fat people are nice, funny people who just want to be loved.
Once again, I can best explain my feelings in a parable:
“The orbit of planets around the sun is likened to a fat person who makes many friends: the fat man makes them all laugh and this gravity causes the lesser beings to orbit around him. He gives them light, life and energy, and they bask in his comical glow.”
You know, like Chris Farley, Artie Lange, or even Monique for that matter.
Der Dude,
Why? Is the Horrible Hebe a fattie? I don’t go ‘drinking’ with the fats.
Dear Jesus,
Your love of the fatties is one of the reasons You have the reputation of being a pussy. Please reconsider Your love of the fatties. They are just a drain on precious resources.
Thanks Der Dude, It is a bit of fun.. Hopefully the blog will take off and get some comments… A bit or reality, satire and controversy….
Chris
Thanks Uppity Craka… A unique perspective on America so hopefully it will catch on and get good, bad and controversial comments!
Thanks for the kind words
Chris
Bridgette is the meter maid of christianity. There’s genocide and rape going on and she’s busy pandering to bloggers.
Also, she’s fat.
Unpleasant Jew, you shall now be named Fat Fat Fat Fatty Fat VonFattington The Fat, Obese Overlord of Cellulite Land, Keepers of the Artery Clogs, Judge of the Jelly Rolls, The Blubber Blogger of the Lipid Lovers III.
Oooohhh, it burns.
Like the grease fire that is your forehead.
Unpleasant Jew:
I’ve been telling God how fat Bridgette is. He protects and her calls her “chubby.” Is there a difference? Really?
Stuff,
there is a difference: if you quote the bible mindlessly you’re chubby, if you’re an atheist you’re fat.
Nun,
No, he’s not a fatty. He’s a former Israeli special forces officer who made a fortune melting down pre-1982 pennies and selling the copper ($0.065 per penny!).
He became unpleasant when the IRS shut him down.
Have fun you all!
i don’t like bridgette. she’s part of the problem.
“Just as a rich man will find it harder to pass through the eye of a needle than get into Heaven, a fat man will find it harder to fit into an airplane seat than get into Heaven.”
God, don’t you mean EASIER here?
spencer, don’t correct God’s errors.
Spencer,
Normally I would smite you for such insolence. However, in this instance, I will take mercy and repair My Error. Like I’ve said before, I never said I was infallible, you humans did.
yes “we” did … in the bible, the same one where we “say” you, hahum, exist!
Puff! There you go in a smoke of logic.
damn logic.
logic is a real killer.
God was distracted by Jesus, hence the error. Another reason Jesus needs to get tasered.
We don’t use a taser, his pain threshold is too high. We use a special cattle-prod I made that has 1,000 times the strength of a regular cattle-prod. I call it the pussy-failure-of-a-son-prod.
Since You and Your son are one and the same, I must conclude that You’re a masochist.
PS I already knew You were a sadist.
TAM 6 Call for papers: James Randi - little blaspheming atheist fraud and his army of robot zombie followers:
visit:
http://www.disclose.tv/forum/viewtopic.php?f=21&t=94
to see how we stopped Randi’s MD paranormal challenge….
and FINALLY:
guess what is inside angel’s ENVELOPE:
___________________
|
| RANDI’S HEAD
|
___________________
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8YXHGGfeVzI
“you can’t pray it off, chubbasaurus” = brilliant.
Your words are true as I think about all the fatties that have crossed my path and tried to steal my food. Now I will have a brilliant new word to throw at them. Thank you God.
God
With all this fame have you thought about doing a tour??
Chris
Brandi - You are welcome, My child.
Chris - No.
Seriously…since when is it okay to harass smokers but it’s not okay to do the same with fat people? Why are fat people given some kind of pass? Because we feel sorry for them? Fat people complain that they are always the joke and that it’s acceptable to mock them, well…so what?
This reminds me of the whole Jennifer Love Hewitt issue from a few months ago. The girl isn’t fat, but she’s definitely on her way and yet the outcry and support she received was insane. It was as though she had cancer or something.
where have people seen bridgette? i want to see what she looks like!
dear God,
please smite davidmabus for stupidity and more then likely morbid obesity.
your pal,
bb
you are what you eat. if you eat a lot you expand - a lot.
wow
Ever fuck a fat chick? I tried once and came in a fat roll…kinda’ kinky, eh?
This fat discussion has been one of the most entertaining things I have had the good fortune to read since God started his theological rants…..a great source of many good laughs……keep up the good work everyone…….
Better watch out, K. You are disputing the Word of God.
So if you had 1st,2ed, 3rd degree burns on half of your body from childhood, you would never have issues at all. Never be overweight. I would find that hard to believe. Considering you were told to eat or you might die. Now as an adult of course there are other issues. Always trying to deal with those scars. Get a grip on LIFE! As far as being attractive, yes there are lots of big, attractive people out there. They just have to show what’s on the inside, what GOD has given them.
sounds like God gave them a raw deal
Dear unamused,
I agree with you entirely. God created big fat blubber bottoms, and all they need to do is show what is on the inside. Like this!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BlK62rjQWLk
This is GREAT!