Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
Today I would like to talk about a group of people I loathe – losers who “tried their best.”
You know who I’m talking about here? Losers? Who tried their best? These are the people who attempt to do something, and then they fail? Miserably? And then they tell everyone they “tried their best?”
Well, I hate these people. I tell you now, I have absolutely no use for humans whose best is so shitty. Why? Because there is no room in My Heavenly Kingdom for losers!
Victory! That is what I require! I, The Lord God Almighty, love winners and hate losers. This is why I shower winners with glorious rewards such as money, fame and sex, and severely punish losers with humiliation, bankruptcy and broken toes.
I do not care that you losers think you tried your best. I want to know: why didn’t you win? Why couldn’t you get it done? What’s wrong with you?!
Did you ever consider that maybe - just maybe - it was because I don’t like you and decided you should fail? Why can’t you people ever admit that?
Just once I would like to hear the quarterback for a losing football team say: “I just couldn’t get it done today, because God hates me and decided to damn my efforts. Whatever I did, I’m sorry God! Please forgive me and let me stop throwing interceptions.”
That kind of honesty and humility would be so refreshing, I might actually forgive the stupid jerk and help him win the next time out. But instead, losers always make lame excuses like “I tried my best.” Well, excuses are like the anus - everyone’s got one! Except Me, of course. I have no need for excuses. Or an anus.
These days, saying you “tried your best” is more than an excuse, it’s an outright lie. You might as well just say, “I’m sorry I’m such a pathetic weakling.”
That’s another thing, when losers use this excuse, they almost certainly DID NOT “try their best.” They very likely did not come even close to trying their best. In fact, a staggering 73.46% of losers who utter this phrase actually tried their worst. They procrastinated and gave in to weakness at every turn.
Let Me tell you something right here, ok? Saying you “tried your best” used to mean something. It used to mean that you used every last second of time and energy I gave you and pushed yourself to the very brink of death to achieve your goal.
If you do all that, and yet still do not succeed, well then yes, you can hold your head up with pride and say you “tried your best,” and can just count yourself lucky to be one of the countless mediocre sheep of My Flock who exist solely to illustrate how truly special, loved and blessed the winners of this world are.
Ralph on 
freebiesss on 
TheEvilOverlord on 
God on 
Craig on 
samanta on 
ShunRenHu on 
First! I win!
Second! But I tried my best. :-p
When you wiped out most of humanity in the Flood, you “tried” to cleanse the earth of wickedness. Did it work? Ha! ‘Course not. Loser Diety! You may be all-powerful, but you have to admit: we scientist types are much, much smarter than you.
Dawkins 2 - God 0
Sucked in God!
I have a special place in Hell for loser who “tried their best”: it’s right next to the internet “poets” who write “from the heart”.
And mime artists, LUcifer. Please book a special place for them too.
the special olympics must be the work of your pal, Lucifron. Cause they have no losers and just want you to go out there and fun.
When my kids say “I tried my best,” I send them to their room without dinner. It’s not how you play the game, after all.
I love that second picture….lol….that’s hilarious.
Jesus “tried his best” to save all of you ungrateful bastards.
That’s his story and he’s sticking to it. He even uses the words “ungrateful bastards.” I shit you not.
Thank goodness for steroids, seconds place will be a mere memory like the dinosaurs. Nothing says winners like brain tumors, acne, and roids rage.
Are steroids the work of Lucifer or God?
Cooper - steroids are My Creation. They are the gift that I give to winners who truly love Me and are willing to take a leap of faith by injecting needles into their toes, buttocks and testicles.
where’s our good pal brigitte?
bridgette isn’t allowed to stone people to death on the sabbath. is that right, God? or did your flock get that one wrong?
… winners go home and fuck the Prom Queen.
Tell me God, when two teams , both preying equally intensly to you to make their side win before the game begins, you Almighty make one team lose. I am at a loss to understand how do you pick the loser ?
Uppity Cracka - No, your flock got that wrong. Bridgette has My Personal Permission to stone blasphemers whenever she likes, especially on the Sabbath.
Bloom - That’s damn right!
Pemma - There are an infinite multitude of reasons I pick one team to win over another. I can’t explain them all here.
If that’s the case then I should be given permission to smite anyone I please INCLUDING God.
losers are weird.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=5cfMPDfOmPA
my daughter’s a lose
r. hahahahahaha.
God,
What about Marion Jones? She won and won, she even used steroids. Then You turned Your wrathful eye towards her. It seems we can never please You or live up to the standards You set in Your many books. Although You continue to bless Barry Bonds.
What should I do God?
God’s humble servant,
Josh
i sense a smiting coming on.
Thank you for allowing the Celtics to pummel LA!!
i Apreciate your judgement and work.
Though… why did you have to humiliate Tom Brady and the Patriots by allowing the giants to win??
Josh - True, once I did love Marion Jones. She made Me Angry later though, because she started praying wrong (lying with her face in her pillow instead of kneeling beside her bed.)
As for you Josh, you should win. Or go home.
J-Moke - I had to humiliate Tom Brady and the Patriots this time because of their excessive pride and vanity. Also, they neglected to throw a hot young virgin into a Volcano for Me this year as they had in years past.
Maybe the Patriots couldn’t find a virgin to sacrifice. Thanks to sites like myspace, Abercrombie and polygamy religous groups , the hot young virgin population has decrease tenfold.
Please be merciful to my hometown Chicago Cubs this year. I think 100 years of torture is enough. Hopefully Jim Hendry can find a hot virgin to throw into a volcano in your name
“Maybe the Patriots couldn’t find a virgin to sacrifice”
Bridgette was out of town?
bridgette was in vegas wearing her “end is near” sign;
taking advantage of the all you can buffets.
Bloom @ #15: Carla was the prom queen.
God? Why have you cursed me the inability to not say the next line when I hear a movie quote?
dear “uppity cracka,”
I am ready to debate you and anyone else who wants to on their atheism. I have the *REAL* God Almighty on my side, and his truth will destroy all of your lies.
Bridgette
PS - Sorry to disappoint all of you, but I’m not at all fat. I’m actually quite pretty, so there.
i’ll be damned!!!
how do you justify saying that the congregation will surely stoneth us to death for blaspheme while simeltaneously putting words in god’s mouth by telling us all what he thinks of this? god’s truth will destroy my lies, huh? maybe our logic will destroy your delicately constructed fantasy world.
Bridgette,
If God isn’t an atheist, then who does he worship? Himself? That would be the ultimate in self love, vanity, and pride (one of the seven deadly sins, and Lucifer’s favorite). Since God doesn’t sin, he must be an atheist. So if you’re attacking atheists, you’re attacking God! Shame on you!
P.S. About being fat: doesn’t God say that you’re not supposed to bear false witness?
whoa. don’t confuse us with your chinese proverbs.
bridgette, how old is the earth? if jesus died for our sins, then why do you quote the old testament? can you explain the concept of irony to us?
“Uppity Cracka,”
I never once put words in God’s mouth, I merely quoted a passage of scripture from the BIBLE. As to logic, you have displayed very little in any of your comments. I worship Jesus Christ the Savior, who died for our sins and I am not ashamed or afraid of you devils. Why would i not quote from the old testament? Jesus affirmed the truth of the old testament.
In the book of Matthew, Jesus himself said:
“Until Heaven and earth pass away, not the smallest letter or stroke shall pass away from the law, until all is accomplished” (Matthew 5:18)
“And Shepherds we shall be. For thee, my Lord, for thee.
Power hath descended forth from Thy hand Our feet may swiftly carry out Thy commands. So we shall flow a river forth to Thee
And teeming with souls shall it ever be.
In Nomeni Patri Et Fili Spiritus Sancti.”
Dawkins,
of course God is an atheist, of course He worships Himself and of course He doesn’t sin. Like all the rest of us. Weren’t we made in His image?
that’s nice. i have displayed no logic. so, jesus effectively said that you should stone those whom you judge to be blasphemers? or, do you have another contradictory verse to quote? maybe, he was speaking metaphorically. but, go ahead, interpret it anyway you see fit. it’s nice how you can pull something for every occasion out of your ass like that. don’t you have your own thoughts to bring to the table?
Stuff God Hates #27-people who argue on My Holy Blog!!
you were the one who has been asking to debate “uppity.”
So I think you lost the argument. But you tried your best!
but, you don’t answer the questions, so what’s the point? did noah really put all the animals on a boat? that’s one large boat. did his children repopulate the earth with all the races? no, that would be impossible. if the earth is so young, how did the light from distant stars get here? yet, you claim every other word in the bible is absolute truth…just ignore the parts that aren’t possible. blind faith, despite overwhelming evidence otherwise, is a virtue. but, actually questioning and attempting to find an answer that makes sense is an offense punishable by eternal suffering. nice f*cking religion. do you guys paint scenes of the annual mammoth hunt on the walls of your caves? i’m sure you and your righteous stoning friends lack the courage of your own belief system. do you really stone people to death? isn’t it written? how do you reason your way out of that? by contradicting yourself. at least your counterparts in muslim extremism hold their convictions in high enough regard to murder in god’s name directly. so, i guess they are better at being religious than you are. now, quote something back to me without actually saying anything relevant. again. this time though, quote a part that you actually live by. if you threaten to kill people for not believing what you believe it makes little sense to be confused when they get offended. i better stop blogging on God’s blog or he will smite the crap out of me.
Please cracka, you’re not using logic. When you start agreeing with her, then you’ll be using logic. That’s how logic works, right?
Anyway, I’m happy to announce that Bridgette and Il Duce Bag will be tying the knot in holy fatrimony. Open blood bar at the wedding too!
“bridgette”
uppity, people like Bridgette are well practiced in faulty logic. you and i have good reason - and we’ll concede a point when our own are bested. that makes us dynamic, and awesome. but she isn’t, she’ll never concede a fucking point, even when logic stares her right in her dumb, pretty face.
probably best not to deconstruct her ivory tower, an example of what happens when you do is the “god warrior” lady. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCh2FXzD6R4
being a jew, and being unpleasant, all i can say is this.
jesus loved cock.
hahahaha he sure did. he was able to turn sperm into wine too.
whoa. you’re right. i’ve been so blind. nevermind…just believe in whatever makes it easy for you to carry on. me: i’ll believe in anything. for instance, i’m pretty sure that God decided to start blogging recently and I stumbled across it. guess i just responded to a divine calling that’s far beyond me. why question it?
did she just claim victory?
as usual, every question can be answered by a scene from the west wing…
http://youtube.com/watch?v=xWqgD7lGneU
holy crap. she decided i lost by refusing to acknowledge anything i said. it’s a brilliant strategy. in the face of such brilliance i concede defeat. you win. guess i’m born again now. thanks “bridgette.” hey! i feel better! i am better than you guys now! f*ck you heathens! i’m going to heaven and your going to hell-na na na na na!!!
As The Almighty Judge of All Existence, I declare Bridgette the clear winner of this argument. Uppity Cracka, I sentence you to eternal shame and rejection!
HAHAHA! Die heathen scum!
Dude, what’s up with virgins and volcanoes? I thought you gave that nonsense up with Abraham? You can hardly blame the Patriots when you send mixed messages like that…
but, bridgette saved me! plus, i’m really white…i look like stephen colbert, for Your sake!
NOOOoooooooooooo!!!!
Regardless of the argument you are having, Bridgette is wrong. Condemned by the words of the bible she holds so dear.
She is judging all of us for being here and partaking in this blog, which is a sin. God alone is judge, and those who presume to know his thoughts or divine plans are guilty of a multitude of sins, vanity and pride among them. I think the cliff notes say “Judge not lest ye be judged.”
Bridgette also assumes God is on her side, she clearly said He is. How does she know? Did God talk to her? If so, then she’s crazy, if not, then she again is assuming to know who God favors and who is in His good graces and who is saved, again a sin.
Good luck at judgment day Bridgette, your arrogance and vanity might just cost you as much as the “blasphemers” you are here judging.
A guy who actually read the bible and thinks it’s a good story book,
Josh
I knew Brigette wasn’t fat!
Dear God,
I, like You, hate losers who say they tried their best. They didn’t try their best because if they had, they would have WON.
My son’s baseball team made it to the playoffs but they lost in the first round because they “tried their best”. I told my son he is a loser and I don’t love him until he wins.
God, am I being a good Christian by withholding my love from my son until he wins?
Stuff White Parents Like,
Bridgette is fat. She just calls it big and beautiful. Sorry Bridgette, that’s not big and beautiful… it’s just FAT.
Nun - yes, you are being a good Christian and I’m proud of you for having the strength and faith to do what’s right. Carry on.
God,
Is it safe to say that Hillary Clinton “tried her best?” Or do you just plainly hate her?
With much vitriol,
Show-Ender
show-ender
review the full list…don’t ask God to repeat himself. he’s busy smiting sinners.
Thanks, God! Sometimes it’s hard because my son cries when I call him a loser and tell him I don’t love him until he wins. It’s nice to know that I’m doing the right thing.
Show-ender, uppity cracka is right. That being said, I’m so glad you asked! I was waiting for someone to ask about the vile cuntress Hillary Clinton.
She did try her best, but I also plainly hate her.
FAGS!
haha…I don’t get i. but i love the unpleasant jew.
he certainly is unpleasant
wow, bridgette speaks! i was afraid she was just a bible-spouting bot!
well, she spoke. but, all she said was a bible verse and to declare herself victorious.
friends story about her kid (2 yrs old):
tali and i are laying in bed last night and i was praying with her:
“dear jesus thank you for our friends and family. amen”
and then she says
“dear jesus, you are a dirty butt crack. good night.”
personal hygiene not a big deal when you already saved the whole world. that should be enough.
Josh,
You’re an idiot. Of course Bridgette assumes God is on her side. He told her so. He told YOU so. He’s been telling us all so every single time the question arises. Have you not been reading this blog at all? Sheesh. You’re so dumb that you probably do belong in Heaven.
Uppity,
Jesus may not be that big on personal hygiene, but he tries his best. Why do you badmouth Latinos?
Nun,
Yo.
Bridgette needs to send me some pix with stats. I’ll tell you all if she’s a tugster, a fatass, tons-o-fun, porky, bloated with extra suet.
Her pix should be in a swimsuit. If she looks good, I’ll share. If she’s got her Fat Chick license, I’ll still share, but make fun of her.
oh my God! I found a picture of Bridgie-poo!
http://img.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2008/01_01/biggirlBB0501_468×426.jpg
“Sheesh. You’re so dumb that you probably do belong in Heaven”
lucifer made a funny
Bloodvork, I don’t plan on tying the knot with any jesus freak. Frankly, religion is the downfall of man. Churches are institutions made to enslave you to brainwash you. They use tactics like judging your lifestyle, scare tactics, and a mob mentality to get you to think just like they do. If you question anything that ‘god’ created you’re a sinner!
The bible has no explanation for the dinosaurs and other galaxies. The bible was written to give people a moral code to live by.
There are two reasons for war, religion and imposing ideas onto unwilling people. Christianity, Scientology, Muslimism, Catholicism, and Judaism are all full of themselves. We are all cognitive animals that are no more important that any other species on this planet.
You can believe in what you want but don’t judge me for not seeing what you see.
“Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.” Hebrews 11:1
hahaha…great picture of Bridgette….hilarious. great job Ben!
I verbally preceded my post with “He’s probably being ironic anyway.”
I just couldn’t pass up the opportunity to make the douche bag and fatrimony puns.
I’m just a bloodvark after all.
Lou,
Yo. I have some kind of strange discharge. Care to explain what kind of demon disease you gave me this time?
Il Duce scares me like clowns. I agree with a lot of what he says and then he quotes bible verses which confuses and frightens me.
God,
The wife and I have a dilemma, our kid misbehaved and I beat him. Now the wife is mad, and I’m camping out on the sofa.
God do you beat your son when he misbehaves? If so, is it okay to beat the wife for now following your command?
Alex P. Keaton,
You’re a Republican, dude. Republicans don’t beat their kids, they molest them.
I had to beat him for now letting me molest him.
Don’t worry I’ll pray on Sunday for forgiveness and everything will be right with the lord.
Sacrifice a virgin too. God likes virgins.
I’m interested in your view on the new bible-themed theme park in Germany? er, maybe you’ve already commented…now I have to go back and check…and I thought I tried my best.
The theme park is blasphemy! They make money in the name of the God but how much of that money actually gets to God. Last time I saw the Lord he was still driving a 2006 H3 with 22″ rims. While P. Diddy is driving a 2009 H with 24″ rims.
P. Diddy drives a 2009 H2 w/ 24″ shoes!
loveMaegan - I’m absolutely thrilled with the project and have been planning it for some time now. I’m especially looking forward to re-destroying the Tower of Babel as well as smiting small children who are not tall enough to ride my rides.
maybe she was talking about a different ‘bible’
http://www.musclehack.com/wp-content/themes/MuscleHack-custom-theme/images/Fat_Loss_Bible_cover_3D.jpg
God,
Is Bridgette fat, or not? I know you have a soft spot for her, but come on already.
White Parent - No, Bridgette is not fat. Are you kidding? I wouldn’t love her if she was fat. She is merely a little pudgy at 5′2″ and a 182 pounds.
God,
Did you also destroy the walls of Jericho? Or was it union contractors not understanding the law of physics?
Cooper - No. That was Me.
what does my weight have to do with my faith? you all constantly show how juvenile you are and it does not help your cause. also, I never condemned anyone to death. I have only quoted bible scripture that warn the writer of this blog that the wages of sin are death. I am trying to help this lost soul as it is my duty as a Christian.
“When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.” I Corinthians 8:11
God, do you appreciate comments going off topic?
Bridgette’s right. If you sin, you will die.
If you don’t sin, you live forever. We don’t need doctors and science (or diets for Bridgette), we just need to quote scripture to everyone.
Pizzled - In general, no, I prefer every comment to be some kind of worship of the truth and majesty of My Divine Blog Posts. But in this thread, is it off topic? I think not. Bridgette is busy winning whilst everyone else is “doing their best” and losing.
God,
Nice try.
damn you, bridgette. damn you to hell for all eternity. how do you just claim victory in a debate? well, i said one thing that is barely relevant…if you squint…so, i win. as far as the fat thing: it’s a running joke. this is a humor blog. it doesn’t mean we’re all juvenile. you’re the one who can’t have a grown up civilized argument with points and counterpoints. just like every other religious fool i have EVER talked to. dumb. yes, i am calling you dumb. is that juvenile enough for you?
quote: The Unpleasant Jew
as usual, every question can be answered by a scene from the west wing…
Or listen to Ricky Gervais..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E_EXqdJ4L7I&NR=1
hold on, bridgette. you said whoever blasphemes (excuse me, blasphemeth) shall surely be stoned by the congregation as was the custom in the old testament times. then, you defended that statement by saying that jesus himself said the old testament laws were to be upheld until “all is accomplished”. so, if that’s the case, why don’t you and your church picnic buddies throw some stones at some scientists? you can’t just quote something as the absolute infallible truth while ignoring what it says. well, i guess you CAN. why is this so hard for you to understand? oh yeah, because you’re dumb.
this is my last attempt. promise.
You Ben, Thats a pic of Bridgette on her ‘thin’ day.
Mooooooooooo!
uppity cracka, please admit your defeat. God has already spoken, you lost buddy. Face it. Deal with it. She gotcha you. She beat the crap outta you so hard you still have bruises all over your avatar. You even got your eyebrows connected! And you’re all yellow.
I know, it’s hard, and we always blame the referee and everyone else around you, and then you beat the crap of anybody standing besides you, and then you shout “but I tried my BEST”… and then you realize you really lost and cry.
pemma,
that’s one of R.Gervais best, I love it. God probably loves it too. And the creationists. Gervais has all the answers.:)
“I have only quoted bible scripture that warn the writer of this blog that the wages of sin are death.”
Bridgette why are you quoting the ghostwritten words of the blog’s author back to him? It sounds insane to remind God of what God was supposed to have said.
Unless you’re accusing Him of inconsistency. Then it’s just a waste of time: He’s made it pretty clear that He doesn’t think much of consistency.
Posted by Bridgette:
“I am trying to help this lost soul as it is my duty as a Christian.”
as a jew, i’m offended by your christianity. and your worship of jesus christ is a breaking of the first commandment.
SINNER!!!
thanks, LD. i needed that tough love…sometimes it’s just hard to swallow your medicine, you know? my avatar looks just like i feel. defeated. unpleasant has a point, the jews are god’s chosen people. so, judaism must be right then. otherwise God chose poorly, which he is incapable of doing…ergo-judaism. this being religious thing is a freakin’ snap. i’m in.
Luis,
Sometimes it is completely appropriate to blame the referee. I think God needs to smite all the dishonest referees, etc who officiate pro sports so only God is picking the winners.
maybe God put those referees in place because, for example, he hated the Seahawks a couple of years ago, obviously God hates the Cubs, Vikings, every team in Cleveland, he used to hate the Red Sox. i wonder if it’s the cities or the mascots or the players themselves??? hmmm…if only we could directly ask God himself.
WHY GOD, WHY???? Why must you hate these teams that we love so?
Don’t forget the Bills, cracka… I think God gets a Divine Boner from hating on the Bills.
oh yeah, hates those bills. he must hate old people, too. because the arizona cardinals always suck. i sense a future God Hates: old people. probably why he’s always letting them die from old age and making there adopted home football team suck so bad.
The Cardinals suck even when they have good players… HAHA!! I think Denny Green sensed God’s hatred.. hence the press conference where he attacked the microphone. It’s very frustrating and disheartening to realize you’re going up against the Lord God Almighty himself.
I can’t wait until God smites the whole state of Arizona. Seriously. Have you ever tried to drive in Arizona? Fucking losers don’t know what the God Damned accelerator is for.
God also hates the Denver Broncos but loves John Elway… I always found that really perplexing.
Arizona is full of idiots, stripmalls, sand, and racists. i hope it gets so damn smited people forget it was ever there.
Oh Bridgette, I bet you are sexy. We should go out sometime. We can have some wine, maybe read The Lottery to each other.
God hates Arizona? He must hate John McCain as well. God must hate the Houston Astros and the Chicago Blackhawks.
God,
When Bridgette dies and goes to Heaven, will she be fat for all Eternity?
I enjoyed Bridgette much more when she only said one line of bigotry, rather than flap her fat lips on about nothing… Not even a horn dog like me will touch you… fatty…
Your article very interesting! Keep up the good work!